1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:06,480 Speaker 1: Iami Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent 2 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,480 Speaker 1: time in a relationship with a married man. I had 3 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:13,520 Speaker 1: to learn the skills and tools required to make my 4 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:18,439 Speaker 1: relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the R Spot, 5 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:35,120 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. There's 6 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:37,760 Speaker 1: a story that I heard when I was in seminary 7 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: about a country minister who used to go every Sunday 8 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:45,680 Speaker 1: after church to one of his parishioner's homes to have 9 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,800 Speaker 1: dinner because he was unmarried. And there was this one couple. 10 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,199 Speaker 1: The wife was a dynamite cook, so he liked to 11 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,640 Speaker 1: go there very often. He'd go to their home and 12 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,520 Speaker 1: he'd walk up on this port and they had a 13 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:57,880 Speaker 1: huge hound dog, one of the brown hound dogs with 14 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,279 Speaker 1: the hanging face and the long floppy ears, and how 15 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:04,920 Speaker 1: dog would be laying on the porch whining. He he'd 16 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: walk past the dog and look at him. He'd look 17 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:08,679 Speaker 1: at it. He'd go on and eat his dinner. He'd 18 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 1: come out, the dog was laying there whining. Next week 19 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,640 Speaker 1: he went back, same thing, walk up on the porch. 20 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:20,880 Speaker 1: The dog is in the same spot whining. He'd dinner 21 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:23,600 Speaker 1: come out. Dog is in the same spot. So by 22 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:26,200 Speaker 1: the fourth or fifth week, he turned to the farmer 23 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 1: and his wife and he said, every time I come here, 24 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 1: your dog is whining. Is there something wrong with him? 25 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 1: And the farmer looked at him and said, oh yeah, 26 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,840 Speaker 1: he's laying on a nail. He said, laying on a nail. Well, 27 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,959 Speaker 1: why doesn't he move? And the farmer said, because it 28 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:45,839 Speaker 1: doesn't hurt bad enough. We will stay in situations whining 29 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:51,360 Speaker 1: and complaining and making everybody and everything wrong, laying on 30 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:55,320 Speaker 1: the same nail, but we will not move until it 31 00:01:55,440 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 1: hurts bad enough. My next guess is a prime exam 32 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:04,120 Speaker 1: of what it looks like to lay on in hell. 33 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 1: Hi Daphney, thank you so much for holding on and 34 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,560 Speaker 1: welcome to the R spot. How can I support you today? 35 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:16,639 Speaker 2: I am getting married twenty two years this year, and 36 00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:19,640 Speaker 2: it's just kind of getting fading now. I met this 37 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 2: man when I was seventeen, he was nineteen. Now I'm 38 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:30,239 Speaker 2: forty seven, four children, and it seems like everybody else 39 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 2: is upfront and I'm pushed back. I don't have any 40 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:40,360 Speaker 2: affection anymore. I'm getting better. I'm sorry, but you're not 41 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 2: showing me. You're sorry, So I'm just kind of fading 42 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:47,360 Speaker 2: fading away. I'm trying to hold on. I am trying, 43 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,080 Speaker 2: but the more I try, it seems like we're just 44 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:51,920 Speaker 2: gonna be apart. 45 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 1: You said, I'm holding on. What are you holding on to? 46 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 2: I guess the relationship or maybe I'm saying it wrong. 47 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:03,240 Speaker 2: I love them, but it's like we're roommates now instead 48 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:04,800 Speaker 2: of being husband and wife. 49 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 1: So what do you do together? 50 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,400 Speaker 2: We used to do date nights, a lot of activities together. 51 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,680 Speaker 2: Now it's just like we don't really do anything together, 52 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:17,400 Speaker 2: spend quality time together like we used to. And it's 53 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 2: just making it father and father apart. And now that 54 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 2: my children are older, they're seeing things. You know, I 55 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,839 Speaker 2: would growing up try to make everything happy in the household, 56 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:31,680 Speaker 2: and everything went well, But now that they're getting older 57 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,520 Speaker 2: and seeing it, be like, man, everything you try to 58 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,640 Speaker 2: do is an argument. Why my daddy want to argue 59 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:41,560 Speaker 2: with you? I don't know. And if sometimes I just 60 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,920 Speaker 2: get frustrated with I just leave. I shouldn't leave the home, 61 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 2: but I do. 62 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,680 Speaker 1: Why do you stay if you want a husband and 63 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,920 Speaker 1: you have a roommate, and you have someone who's not 64 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:56,400 Speaker 1: making the efforts to rekindle the love ship. Why do 65 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 1: you stay? 66 00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 2: I don't know. I guess the only thing that's probably 67 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:03,640 Speaker 2: keeping me now is I have a seventeen year old 68 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,520 Speaker 2: and I'm just trying to get him through high school. 69 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 2: I guess I'm just to that point now. I'm just 70 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:10,800 Speaker 2: like whatever, So. 71 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you again. You feel unhappy, you feel diminished, 72 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,599 Speaker 1: you feel denied, you feel ignored. Why do you stay? 73 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,480 Speaker 2: That's a good question. I just don't know. 74 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:25,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, if you did know, because see I come from 75 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:28,920 Speaker 1: the old school where this it's impossible for you not 76 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,159 Speaker 1: to know what's going on inside of you. Maybe you 77 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 1: haven't asked, but you do know that. Let me rephrase 78 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 1: the question, maybe this will be more helpful. Why would 79 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,839 Speaker 1: a woman who's been married to someone for twenty two 80 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,320 Speaker 1: years who, for the last how many years have you 81 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 1: been denied, dismissed, ignored? Push to deside how many years? 82 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 2: I'm gonna say the last six seven years? 83 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:58,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So why would a woman who's been married 84 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:02,200 Speaker 1: for twenty two years stay in a marriage where for 85 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:08,560 Speaker 1: the last six or seven years she's been ignored, denied, dismissed, diminished, 86 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:13,640 Speaker 1: hasn't been fulfilled or happy or satisfied or pleased. Why 87 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:17,640 Speaker 1: would she stay? A woman? Not you, a woman, any woman? 88 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:21,240 Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's a hard one. Why would you 89 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,520 Speaker 2: say that is complete? 90 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:26,440 Speaker 1: Why would she? Let's just explore it. Let's just throw 91 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,239 Speaker 1: everything on the wall and see what sticks. She would 92 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:35,680 Speaker 1: stay because family, okay, for family, just trying to. 93 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,240 Speaker 2: Fill in the gaps where it once was a great 94 00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 2: marriage but now it is just completed away. I don't know. 95 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 2: I'm kind of lost. 96 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,839 Speaker 1: We're not talking about you. We're talking about a woman. Okay, 97 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 1: we're not talking about you. Get out of this woman's marriage. 98 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 1: We're talking about a woman. Why would she stay? 99 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,320 Speaker 2: I'm just, I guess, trying to make it work and 100 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:05,520 Speaker 2: it's just not working. Be wanted to work again, it's 101 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,719 Speaker 2: not working. I mean, you know how you say you're 102 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 2: doing something and then your actions show difference. So maybe 103 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 2: she's trying to make it work. 104 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:15,720 Speaker 1: Maybe she's afraid. 105 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,240 Speaker 2: To leave, that's true, thanks to be it. 106 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 1: Maybe she's staying because the marriage is a habit, that's true. 107 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,080 Speaker 1: Maybe she's staying because it's familiar. 108 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,919 Speaker 2: That's true, because you can't get comfortable in it. You 109 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 2: can get comfortable like Okay. 110 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,800 Speaker 1: Maybe she's staying because she doesn't want to take responsibility 111 00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:37,599 Speaker 1: for her own happiness. Maybe maybe not could be who knows. 112 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:43,840 Speaker 1: Maybe she's staying because it's more comfortable to complain about 113 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 1: it and be confused about it than it is to 114 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: grow the courage to do something about it. Maybe maybe 115 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,240 Speaker 1: not could be, who knows? 116 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:54,159 Speaker 2: That's true? 117 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:59,240 Speaker 1: Oh well, so you do have some ideas, that's true. 118 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:01,240 Speaker 1: Imagine that? 119 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:05,480 Speaker 2: Uh huh, because I'm like, oh my goodness. 120 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 1: Is it still a marriage? 121 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:07,520 Speaker 2: Yeah? 122 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 1: Why what makes it a marriage? 123 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:15,800 Speaker 2: I guess all the foundation that we built since we 124 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,400 Speaker 2: started out nothing, and we have accomplished a lot of 125 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:20,160 Speaker 2: stuff together. 126 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,320 Speaker 1: As a minister, I don't know any place in the 127 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,600 Speaker 1: marriage where it says, you know what, y'all bill together 128 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,960 Speaker 1: you will have I know, better or worse, rich, your poorer, 129 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: sickness and in health? 130 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:32,559 Speaker 2: True? 131 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 1: Okay, till death do you part? Death of what? Death 132 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,400 Speaker 1: of communication? Do you communicate with him? 133 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,120 Speaker 2: It's some communication? Lacking? 134 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:45,520 Speaker 1: Okay, lacking all? Right? Death of affection? Are you all 135 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: affectionate towards one another? 136 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:47,680 Speaker 2: No? 137 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: Death of intimacy? I mean, are you all still knocking boots? 138 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 2: Nope? 139 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:59,280 Speaker 1: Oh, no communication, no affection, no intimacy. Do you all 140 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,280 Speaker 1: share finance, answer responsibility. 141 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,640 Speaker 2: Yes, well I say yes and no. He was laid 142 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 2: off due to COVID. So he's been off like a 143 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:13,680 Speaker 2: year going on two years and nothing, nothing, And you 144 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 2: don't see any. 145 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,680 Speaker 1: You don't see any what say? I don't see any what. 146 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 2: I don't see no growth after the COVID thing. I 147 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,040 Speaker 2: don't see anything you're trying to do to make the 148 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,120 Speaker 2: situation better. 149 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,640 Speaker 1: Well, let me just offer just another consideration here for that, 150 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:34,080 Speaker 1: Because you know, men are doers. Men like to do. 151 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,000 Speaker 1: That's how they get their value, that's how they get 152 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,240 Speaker 1: their meaning. So when a man loses his job, he 153 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 1: really loses his focus, he loses his purpose, he loses 154 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:47,120 Speaker 1: his value, he loses his meaning, and sometimes it's hard 155 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,080 Speaker 1: for them to you know, crank that up again. Just 156 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 1: a consideration, not an excuse, just the consideration. So there's 157 00:08:55,280 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 1: no communication, there's no affection, there's no intimacy, shared finances. 158 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,440 Speaker 1: Could you please tell me what makes us still a marriage? 159 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,480 Speaker 2: Hmm, that's a good question, I say, good. 160 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,040 Speaker 1: What do you have a good answer. 161 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:15,520 Speaker 2: I don't. I'm just lost, just falling my way up through, 162 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 2: you know, just trying to maintain and it's just getting 163 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:23,040 Speaker 2: to be overwhelming. That it's like team effort, but it's 164 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,280 Speaker 2: only one fighting on the team. It's hard to pull 165 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,880 Speaker 2: us together if we're not all if we're not together 166 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,360 Speaker 2: as a team. I just don't feel that. 167 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,319 Speaker 1: What do you want? 168 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,520 Speaker 2: I want it to be better. I want it that 169 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:39,520 Speaker 2: like it was, but improved better. It's to the point 170 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,679 Speaker 2: now I just I don't want to deal with it, 171 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:45,160 Speaker 2: you know. So I was trying to see what other 172 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:49,600 Speaker 2: solution could help me with this. Maybe something I'm missing 173 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,240 Speaker 2: because I know I'm trying to I'm trying to hold 174 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 2: the torch. 175 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 1: Being second makes you feel what angry? 176 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 2: I'm overwhelming, I'm frustrated. It cause the argument, any little thing, 177 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,960 Speaker 2: he's something snapping his head off. They feel sad that 178 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:08,800 Speaker 2: you would choose, you know, like that now myself, I 179 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,920 Speaker 2: don't do that with him. I try to make everything 180 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:14,640 Speaker 2: just as pleasant to have. The house moves going, and 181 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:19,199 Speaker 2: I'm the sportsholder now and you just kind of laid back, like, Okay, 182 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 2: I'm gonna go with the flow with this instead of 183 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,000 Speaker 2: saying I will help you to make this better. 184 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:28,079 Speaker 1: And what is the consequence of him not doing better? 185 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,880 Speaker 1: What has the consequence been beside your fussing and arguing. 186 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,000 Speaker 1: What's the consequence. 187 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:35,280 Speaker 2: Let's fussing and argument, So. 188 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,160 Speaker 1: Why should he change? He knows how to deal with 189 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,560 Speaker 1: your fussing and arguing. He knows that'll go on for 190 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,000 Speaker 1: a day or two. He ain't giving you no nookie, 191 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,320 Speaker 1: so you can't take that from him. He's not showing 192 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,679 Speaker 1: you no affection, so you can't take that from him. 193 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:51,959 Speaker 1: Y'all are arguing, so they're lacking communication, So why should 194 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:52,559 Speaker 1: he change? 195 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 2: That's true, he's got I say, comfortable, accustomed to what's 196 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:56,760 Speaker 2: going on. 197 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:01,640 Speaker 1: It's a happit, that's what happens. So tell me what 198 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,880 Speaker 1: it is that you don't want to do. 199 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 2: I don't want to feel like I'm bogged down with everything, 200 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,439 Speaker 2: with the most of the responsibility. 201 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,440 Speaker 1: What else? You don't want to feel like you're being used? 202 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,560 Speaker 1: You don't want to feel like you're being bogged down. 203 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,440 Speaker 1: None of those are feelings. But okay, go ahead. What 204 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:19,760 Speaker 1: else don't you want to do? 205 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 2: I feel disrespected with that. 206 00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:24,160 Speaker 1: I don't want to be disrespected. 207 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, how about it? 208 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:29,000 Speaker 1: I don't want to leave? Is that true? Is that accurate? 209 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,840 Speaker 2: Yes? I don't want to leave, But then again, I 210 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,320 Speaker 2: get frustrated out say yeah, I'm gonna leave. You know, 211 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,679 Speaker 2: I go away a couple of days. I should not 212 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:39,520 Speaker 2: have to leave security at my home to go somewhere 213 00:11:39,559 --> 00:11:40,400 Speaker 2: else in the hotel. 214 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 1: Really, that's the choice you may. Yeah, So if you 215 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:48,040 Speaker 1: are complaining about staying, I call that laying on the nail. 216 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:52,319 Speaker 1: You laying on a nail and the nail hurts, but 217 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,560 Speaker 1: you are not willing to move. So you have a choice. 218 00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 1: You're either going to learn how to operate in it 219 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: as it is and just let it continue to go 220 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,200 Speaker 1: on and see what's happening, or you're going to get 221 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,679 Speaker 1: up off the nail, beloved, and we'll talk about that 222 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:17,160 Speaker 1: when we come back. Welcome back to the RSPOD. I 223 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,839 Speaker 1: can't tell you what to do, but I will tell 224 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,440 Speaker 1: you this. You'd either get up off the nail, or 225 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,720 Speaker 1: you would insist you'd put some fire under his behind 226 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:29,840 Speaker 1: and there would be some consequences to his lack of 227 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,960 Speaker 1: participation in what's left of this union, because I don't 228 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 1: call it a marriage anymore. It's a union of two people. 229 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:41,040 Speaker 1: So I want you to hear this very clearly. Either 230 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:45,079 Speaker 1: you're going to stay and figure out how to bring 231 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,720 Speaker 1: yourself to peace, to joy, the happiness, to whatever it 232 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,920 Speaker 1: is that you want with this thing exactly as it is, 233 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,559 Speaker 1: because you don't want to leave, or you're going to 234 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 1: stop complaining and do something about it, which might mean leave, 235 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,079 Speaker 1: or it might mean ask him the league, or it 236 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,120 Speaker 1: might mean I don't know, you have to come up 237 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:07,920 Speaker 1: with that. But just to keep complaining about it, it's 238 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,160 Speaker 1: not helpful and it's not going to turn out well 239 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:11,440 Speaker 1: for you. 240 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:12,439 Speaker 2: That's true. 241 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:18,800 Speaker 1: I want to recommend a resource for you. It's a 242 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 1: book by a woman named Stormy Armonton, and it's based 243 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:31,320 Speaker 1: in traditional Christian or church philosophy, but there's a lot 244 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:36,839 Speaker 1: of real good information in the book. Most of all, 245 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,360 Speaker 1: there are a lot of powerful prayers in the book, 246 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,360 Speaker 1: and it's called The Power of a Praying Wife. And 247 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,000 Speaker 1: there's a story in that book about a woman in 248 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 1: your exact situation. And that's why I'm recommending that book, 249 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:57,000 Speaker 1: The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormy s t 250 00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:01,240 Speaker 1: O r m I e ormititon O r m I 251 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,840 Speaker 1: t A N. And I don't know where you are 252 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,600 Speaker 1: in your faith walk or whatever. Don't get caught up 253 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:10,800 Speaker 1: in the scriptures and the Bible stuff. Read the stories 254 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,200 Speaker 1: and look at the practices that she gives you because 255 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 1: she teaches you or she shares in that book how 256 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,880 Speaker 1: a complaining wife can pray to improve her husband and 257 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:26,760 Speaker 1: her marriage. Okay, work with that, and I want to 258 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: offer you this possibility. See how you can do this. 259 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:38,080 Speaker 1: Instead of complaining about what he's not doing and what 260 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:43,120 Speaker 1: you don't have, start blessing what you do have. Thank 261 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:47,320 Speaker 1: you God that my husband is healthy. Thank you for 262 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,640 Speaker 1: my home. You know, I bless my husband's mind. That 263 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 1: bless his feet. I mean, you know, I bless his 264 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,440 Speaker 1: soul that he can get the courage and the motivation 265 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,240 Speaker 1: he needs to go back out there. Start blessing him 266 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:02,000 Speaker 1: and stop com plaining. That's one way you can get 267 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 1: up off the nail. Don't tell anybody else how frustrated 268 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,000 Speaker 1: overwhelmed you are. Tell it to Jesus. As my grandmother 269 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 1: would say. I agree, Jesus, I'm feeling I'm feeling frustrated 270 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,000 Speaker 1: in this moment, and I really want to blast my 271 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,320 Speaker 1: husband and bite his head off. Please help me. That's 272 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 1: what my grandmother would say. Tell your troubles to Jesus. 273 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,359 Speaker 1: And anytime you comes to your mind to tell somebody, 274 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:30,200 Speaker 1: bless something but you get that book The Power of 275 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,280 Speaker 1: a Praying Wife, because it's real clear to me, you 276 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,960 Speaker 1: ain't going nowhere no time soon. 277 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:43,280 Speaker 2: I'm definitely will get that. Oh I love love, love yourselves. 278 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:47,480 Speaker 2: I love the affirmations, all of this stuff. I was just, 279 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 2: you know, punning across and I said, I need some 280 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 2: help with this thing, because I was about to go 281 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,360 Speaker 2: to counsel and need that too, probably. 282 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 1: But well, read that book, work with those practices, and 283 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,440 Speaker 1: let's see where you end up in about sixty days. 284 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,320 Speaker 2: Okay, yes, thank you so much. 285 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,880 Speaker 1: Thank you, my beloved. Good luck to you. 286 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:06,880 Speaker 2: All right, thank you. 287 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,160 Speaker 1: Very often in a relationship, what a woman will do 288 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 1: is take the whole burden of the failure on herself, 289 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,560 Speaker 1: when in fact, in every relationship, each party is one 290 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,960 Speaker 1: hundred percent responsible for what goes on. So the same 291 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:27,720 Speaker 1: way she's willing to take on the responsibility for this failure, 292 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,320 Speaker 1: he has to be willing to take it on. So 293 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:36,640 Speaker 1: what happens when you go into a relationship expecting one thing, 294 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,760 Speaker 1: only to get in it and find that you're getting 295 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: something totally different? And what do you do when your 296 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:48,200 Speaker 1: partner makes you responsible for the thing that is missing? 297 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: That's what we're going to talk about. My next guest 298 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,760 Speaker 1: has a classic example of what happens when you expect 299 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:59,760 Speaker 1: one thing and get something totally different. Good afternoon, beloved, 300 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:04,119 Speaker 1: Well to the R spot. Hi, So how are we 301 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:08,560 Speaker 1: supporting you today? What is the challenge issue dilemma that 302 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,520 Speaker 1: you are bringing to the table. 303 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:16,239 Speaker 3: From the challenge issue is the lemma is that I 304 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,959 Speaker 3: got married September first, twenty twenty one. We had no 305 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,560 Speaker 3: sex or anything before marriage. 306 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,240 Speaker 2: We did like a really really sweet courtship. 307 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:29,119 Speaker 3: And the night of our wedding is when I found 308 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,720 Speaker 3: out that he was not attracted to my body. That 309 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,000 Speaker 3: was really interesting for me. He didn't say out of 310 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 3: his mouth, but I thought in the space. And about 311 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,480 Speaker 3: two weeks later, because we weren't having like any sex 312 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,240 Speaker 3: or anything, you know, new we was you should be 313 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,520 Speaker 3: doing that and we were not, And I was like, 314 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,840 Speaker 3: you know, this is like I'm feeling very deprived and 315 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,840 Speaker 3: very lonely and very like checked and pushing aside. And 316 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:57,119 Speaker 3: long story short, now we're in April. We had like 317 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:00,280 Speaker 3: marriage counseling and stuff like that, and can you in 318 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:04,439 Speaker 3: February and pretty much nothing has changed. It probably has 319 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,840 Speaker 3: sex one time within the last month, and because he's 320 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:12,800 Speaker 3: not necessarily attracted to my body, I don't get compliments. 321 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 3: I don't get hugged the way somebody who's attracted to 322 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,960 Speaker 3: you would give you a hug. It's kind of like 323 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,520 Speaker 3: a hug because you're in the house, not really a 324 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:26,240 Speaker 3: hug because I love you, love you like I don't 325 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,960 Speaker 3: get like we passionate kisses. It's like a kiss in 326 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,399 Speaker 3: the morning to kiss that night. It's like it's almost 327 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,680 Speaker 3: like we've been married for like sixty years and not 328 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:41,320 Speaker 3: like six months. So it's whack. And typically I can 329 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 3: manage pretty good. Like I said, not much has changed, 330 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,200 Speaker 3: but like my perspective of how and how I've been 331 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,800 Speaker 3: trying to handle it. But today was just like, Yo, 332 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:54,199 Speaker 3: this is not normal. I can't live like this forever. 333 00:18:54,359 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question, beloved, how long 334 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,000 Speaker 1: did you date before you got married. 335 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,960 Speaker 3: Our courtship was about nine months? 336 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 1: Nine months. What was the conversation that you had about 337 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,160 Speaker 1: intimacy children? Did you have that conversation? 338 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am. I actually specifically asked him what his type 339 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:20,080 Speaker 3: was like, what he physically liked, and he gave me 340 00:19:20,119 --> 00:19:23,000 Speaker 3: the regular guy answer. I don't have no type I'm like, no, no, 341 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 3: you have a type. You know what you don't like, 342 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:26,879 Speaker 3: and you know what you do like. I know what 343 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,720 Speaker 3: I don't like, and I know what I feel like. 344 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,640 Speaker 3: You have to tell me what your type is. And 345 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 3: it was just I don't have a type. I just 346 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,320 Speaker 3: like what I like, and da da da, And then 347 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:39,480 Speaker 3: I found out that I wasn't his type. Like see, 348 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,760 Speaker 3: but I asked this question before he got married, so 349 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,359 Speaker 3: I would go into a marriage with you finding out 350 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:46,800 Speaker 3: that I'm not your cup of tea. 351 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 1: Wait a minute, I want to go back for a moment. 352 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:53,920 Speaker 1: You married a man that you dated for nine months. 353 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,600 Speaker 1: Right within that nine month courtship period, did you and 354 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:02,640 Speaker 1: him have a con sation about we're going to not 355 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:05,359 Speaker 1: going to have sex until we're married, we're going to 356 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:08,879 Speaker 1: have children. Did you have those kinds of conversations. 357 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:12,320 Speaker 3: Yes, that was the whole, like the point of like 358 00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:14,919 Speaker 3: the courtship because he came from a relationship where it 359 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,359 Speaker 3: was fornication. I came from a relationship where it was fornication. 360 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,600 Speaker 3: So we decided, Okay, we're going to do it different, 361 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,879 Speaker 3: and we're both those like we got to, you know, 362 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,159 Speaker 3: tighten up. So it was like Okay, let's do it. 363 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:27,159 Speaker 3: Do it different? 364 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,440 Speaker 1: Okay, so you you're both musslem Okay, that that makes 365 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 1: sense to me. Then okay, did you have conversations about children? 366 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:35,879 Speaker 2: Mm? 367 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,600 Speaker 1: Hm And did you decide that you wanted children? 368 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:38,960 Speaker 2: Yes? 369 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,199 Speaker 1: Do you have any? 370 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,040 Speaker 3: No, ma'am, he does any either, and. 371 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,600 Speaker 1: He doesn't either. Okay, So you married a man you 372 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,679 Speaker 1: dated for nine months. You both made a conscious choice 373 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:53,920 Speaker 1: and decision not to have intimate relationships until after marriage. However, 374 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:57,520 Speaker 1: after marriage, you both decided that you want to have children. 375 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,200 Speaker 1: So what do we do now? We'll talk about that 376 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 1: right after this break. Welcome back to be our spot. 377 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,640 Speaker 1: Are you prepared to live a sexless life? 378 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:17,560 Speaker 2: Oh? No? 379 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,199 Speaker 1: Okay, all right, because it seems like and see, this 380 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,640 Speaker 1: is common. This is a common mistake or a common 381 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:31,040 Speaker 1: issue that rises in relationships where we don't ask the 382 00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 1: appropriate questions, where we don't make appropriate agreement. You know. 383 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,360 Speaker 1: And my mother taught me something. It's kind of crass 384 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,679 Speaker 1: and nasty, but I'm gonna say it. Okay, Yes, my 385 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,880 Speaker 1: mother taught me that a hard penis has no conscience. 386 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:52,679 Speaker 1: It will jump into any hole presented. It don't have 387 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,880 Speaker 1: no oddes, It don't have no preference. It doesn't. So 388 00:21:56,359 --> 00:22:00,840 Speaker 1: I'm wondering if the issue here is your boody or 389 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:05,159 Speaker 1: if your body is an excuse for an underlying issue. 390 00:22:05,359 --> 00:22:08,119 Speaker 3: I wouldn't be opposed to that. I just know what 391 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,840 Speaker 3: he said, Like we had a real big kind of 392 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,520 Speaker 3: like not a blow up and like a loud blow up. 393 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,600 Speaker 3: But I was like, this is back in junior. I like, 394 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,359 Speaker 3: you gotta tell me, like what it is, because for 395 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,399 Speaker 3: the first couple of months he was just very rejecting, 396 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,720 Speaker 3: like I try to kiss him and he's kind of 397 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,960 Speaker 3: like moving out the way, or I want to have 398 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,520 Speaker 3: sense if he wants to go to sleet and it's like, yo, 399 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,200 Speaker 3: like we just got married. You know what just means 400 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,680 Speaker 3: like what the heck is going on? 401 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,280 Speaker 1: Okay, so let me ask you stop right there, stop 402 00:22:35,359 --> 00:22:40,000 Speaker 1: right there, take a breath from me, what is going on? 403 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,840 Speaker 1: Because you know what's going on? I know, you know. 404 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,280 Speaker 3: I just really don't think he's attracted to my body, 405 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,880 Speaker 3: Like genuinely, I don't think that he attracted to my thoughts. 406 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 1: That is not a Muslim philosophy because women are shrouded 407 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:59,440 Speaker 1: and covered because the body and according to Islamic tradition, 408 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:03,919 Speaker 1: Islam make faith. The body is not to be the 409 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:08,240 Speaker 1: thing that attracts a man to a woman to eyes, but. 410 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,120 Speaker 3: They still have eyes. And then once you naked, then 411 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:14,920 Speaker 3: they see you. I have fibroids, so it does kind 412 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,959 Speaker 3: of you know, it makes my stomach a little bit bigger. 413 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:22,480 Speaker 3: And the conversation was kind of around like, once I 414 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 3: get the fiber becuse I have to get them removed 415 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:28,920 Speaker 3: anyway that once I get them removed to be attracted. However, 416 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 3: my worry is that it has nothing to do with 417 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,080 Speaker 3: the fibroids, and it's really just you don't like my body. 418 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:34,959 Speaker 3: And then I'm gonna give the fibers move and I'm 419 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,240 Speaker 3: gonna still be miserable. And it was the way he 420 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 3: quite literally said, I like your. 421 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:44,440 Speaker 1: Faith, beloved, what are you acting like? You don't know? 422 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,440 Speaker 1: I don't know absolutely. 423 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,520 Speaker 3: Well, I swear because I went into the whole you 424 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,879 Speaker 3: cheating on me thing like I did all the reefs. 425 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,160 Speaker 3: I really really we had those like really really deep 426 00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,520 Speaker 3: questions and it was like he quite little he said, 427 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,239 Speaker 3: I'm not I'm a tractor through your faith, but as 428 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,520 Speaker 3: far as your body, know, how. 429 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,439 Speaker 1: About is he has a capacity issue or maybe he 430 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,119 Speaker 1: just don't like women, how about that? How about he 431 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,800 Speaker 1: might have ed and as a Muslim man don't know 432 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,480 Speaker 1: how to talk about that. The question for me is 433 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,760 Speaker 1: not what he's saying. The question for me is what 434 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,200 Speaker 1: you're saying. And so very often in relationships, as women, 435 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,959 Speaker 1: we take the entire burden of the relationship not working. 436 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:30,120 Speaker 1: We place it on our shoulders. So you have fibroids 437 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:33,280 Speaker 1: and there are women that weigh three four hundred pounds 438 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:36,440 Speaker 1: that got a man, right, beloved, this is not about 439 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:40,679 Speaker 1: your body. I could be wrong. I'm willing to be wrong, 440 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:45,679 Speaker 1: but whatever it's about. You have partnered yourself to a 441 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,600 Speaker 1: man that does not want to be involved in one 442 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:54,600 Speaker 1: of the basic tenets of intimate relationship, which is intimacy. 443 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:55,159 Speaker 2: Right. 444 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,240 Speaker 1: Are you willing to stay in a sexuals marriage? 445 00:24:58,440 --> 00:24:59,160 Speaker 2: Yeah? 446 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,080 Speaker 1: Okay, So what's the next step? 447 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:06,240 Speaker 3: Oh, I don't necessarily want to get separated. We did 448 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,760 Speaker 3: have the conversation about separation and I told him, like, 449 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 3: I will, like I can't stay in a sexist marriage 450 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:16,240 Speaker 3: on an unpassionate marriage and measures that area doesn't have reciprocity, 451 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:19,680 Speaker 3: So like, I'm willing to leave. He's like, Oh, we're 452 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,560 Speaker 3: going to do better. I'm going to do better? Da 453 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:24,400 Speaker 3: da da dah Like okay, Well. 454 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:28,240 Speaker 1: Why is all of the decision making on him? What 455 00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:32,480 Speaker 1: about you? This is your life, your body here, you 456 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:36,200 Speaker 1: are a vibrant young woman. What are you twenty six? Yes, 457 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:41,080 Speaker 1: questioning whether or not you are attracted to a man 458 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:46,159 Speaker 1: that made a commitment to be in relationship with you. 459 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,119 Speaker 1: Why are you giving him all the power? What would 460 00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:51,919 Speaker 1: it take for you to make another choice? Oops? I 461 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:56,080 Speaker 1: chose him, it didn't work. Are you willing to stay? 462 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,480 Speaker 1: And if you're not, what prevents you from leaving? 463 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,439 Speaker 3: What prevents me from leave? You? 464 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:05,960 Speaker 1: And the fibroids? What prevents y'all from here? Take your 465 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,119 Speaker 1: fibroids elsewhere? 466 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:11,040 Speaker 3: I think what prevents me from reading is in every 467 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,359 Speaker 3: other area. He's a really good person and I really 468 00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:16,680 Speaker 3: really like him. The only thing that has been just this, 469 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,240 Speaker 3: like brain cloud since literally the night we got married, 470 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:22,960 Speaker 3: has been the sex of it all. 471 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:32,000 Speaker 1: How insulting, how degrading, how disrespectful, how dishonorable. So you're 472 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,720 Speaker 1: gonna bend yourself into a pretzel to accommodate that, and 473 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:40,040 Speaker 1: hear me, I would never advocate the dissolution of a marriage. 474 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:45,040 Speaker 1: What I will always advocate is self preservation. Now, if 475 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,240 Speaker 1: he were on the phone with me, I would ask 476 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,240 Speaker 1: him the same thing. If he was selling me the 477 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:53,080 Speaker 1: story that he's not attracted to your body and he 478 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:56,399 Speaker 1: has married you, I would ask him, is it fair 479 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,119 Speaker 1: for you to ask her to stay in a sexless 480 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:03,960 Speaker 1: marriage because of your limitations? I would ask him that question. 481 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:09,159 Speaker 1: So the question here is, if you're not willing to 482 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:12,480 Speaker 1: stay in a sexless marriage, then why do you continue 483 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 1: to give yourself excuses and reasons and rationales for staying. 484 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:20,480 Speaker 1: Why are you so willing to deny yourself nineteen months? 485 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,800 Speaker 1: You can make that up as one lap around the track. 486 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:30,480 Speaker 1: Very often in relationships, as women, we have a difficult 487 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:36,240 Speaker 1: time with two things. One, we want to be chosen. Yeah, 488 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:40,520 Speaker 1: so when the man chooses us, it gives us, you know, 489 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:44,359 Speaker 1: the red badge of courage. And then two we have 490 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 1: a difficult time admitting, oops, made a mistake. This is 491 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,800 Speaker 1: a mistake, and I get to choose again, so I 492 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,520 Speaker 1: can talk to you until my lips fall off. But 493 00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,840 Speaker 1: there's some clear choices that you're going to have to 494 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,920 Speaker 1: make here. Number one, choose. Let me put it this way, 495 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:06,040 Speaker 1: vote for you, and a vote for you would be 496 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:10,280 Speaker 1: a man who accepts you exactly as you are, not 497 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,919 Speaker 1: that you got to get something lifted or tucked or 498 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:16,239 Speaker 1: removed or taken out. A man who loves you and 499 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,800 Speaker 1: accepts you exactly as you are, A man who is 500 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:23,560 Speaker 1: willing to be intimate with you, A man who's willing 501 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:27,040 Speaker 1: to play his role in a partnership. So let me 502 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:31,040 Speaker 1: ask you this, What does the Quran say about a 503 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:33,840 Speaker 1: man who rejects his wife? What does the Quran say 504 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:34,360 Speaker 1: about that? 505 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:39,880 Speaker 3: It's so many words. It talks about how by basically 506 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,760 Speaker 3: a man can you know he could do all the 507 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:45,000 Speaker 3: things go into the hair after to try to go 508 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,360 Speaker 3: into their after. But any man that doesn't treat his 509 00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:51,400 Speaker 3: wife and his children well will not make it. So 510 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,440 Speaker 3: that's the same point of a man who does not, 511 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,480 Speaker 3: who rejects his wife or doesn't treat her well. 512 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 1: Alrighty, so are you gonna ride that train with him 513 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:04,440 Speaker 1: to the not after life? 514 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:05,560 Speaker 3: No? 515 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,440 Speaker 1: And if you choose that this is the man that 516 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:14,520 Speaker 1: gives you everything else other than intimacy, other than sex, 517 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 1: and you choose as a twenty six year old woman, 518 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:21,440 Speaker 1: that you're willing to spend your life in that and 519 00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 1: wait until he either changes or live a sexless life. 520 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:28,280 Speaker 1: Then that's okay, but make that choice for you, not 521 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:32,400 Speaker 1: because he says he doesn't. He's not attracted to your body. 522 00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:37,000 Speaker 1: And if you choose not to, okay, oops, he chose me, 523 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:40,640 Speaker 1: but I chose the wrong one. I'm out. Then make 524 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:44,840 Speaker 1: your exit plan and you don't need his agreement. That's 525 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:49,080 Speaker 1: the piece here, beloved, you don't need his agreement. And 526 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:54,640 Speaker 1: I'm not sure it's honorable, respectful, or required for you 527 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:58,120 Speaker 1: to spend time wondering what's wrong with your body that 528 00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:01,200 Speaker 1: this man doesn't want because the truth is, if you 529 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 1: were intimate with him, his eyes would be closed and 530 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:08,600 Speaker 1: he wouldn't see your body anyway, you know. And I'm 531 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:11,000 Speaker 1: not putting him down. He has a right to like 532 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:14,000 Speaker 1: what he likes, and some people are not attracted. I 533 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:16,960 Speaker 1: don't understand why he didn't make that decision or that 534 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:21,800 Speaker 1: choice before you know, he made this commitment, so he's 535 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:25,840 Speaker 1: not honoring his commitment. But it's up to you. What 536 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,880 Speaker 1: do you want? Vote for you and you don't have 537 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:31,520 Speaker 1: to have a discussion about it. All you have to 538 00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:35,560 Speaker 1: do is make the choice and make the decision and 539 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:39,920 Speaker 1: create your strategy. A woman has three a's that she 540 00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:44,800 Speaker 1: has to share with her mate, which is acknowledgment, acknowledgment 541 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:49,480 Speaker 1: of what he does, appreciation for how he does it, 542 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:53,480 Speaker 1: and acceptance of who he is. Those are our a's 543 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:57,200 Speaker 1: and you can add to that affirmation. So you want 544 00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:00,320 Speaker 1: to acknowledge, you want to affirm, you want to appreciate, 545 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,680 Speaker 1: you want to accept. That's what women are called to 546 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:08,200 Speaker 1: do in their loving relationships. Men have the four peas. 547 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:11,560 Speaker 1: That is, to provide That means to make sure you 548 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:15,840 Speaker 1: have food, clothing, shelter, protect keep you from physical and 549 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:21,440 Speaker 1: other harm. To perform, which means all levels of performance, 550 00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:23,800 Speaker 1: from taking the trash out to getting in the bed 551 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:27,840 Speaker 1: and rocking your word. And to please, to do those 552 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 1: things that bring a smile to your face. So he 553 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:34,479 Speaker 1: may have the provide and the protect, but he's falling 554 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:40,320 Speaker 1: real short on the perform and please, So you're getting 555 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,960 Speaker 1: two out of the four piece. All right, eat your peace, 556 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:49,040 Speaker 1: Eat your peace. So if I had to leave you 557 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:53,880 Speaker 1: with a prescription, that prescription would be either choose to 558 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:56,520 Speaker 1: stay and be okay with it the way it is 559 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:02,200 Speaker 1: not question yourself but totally accept him as he is, 560 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,960 Speaker 1: which means denying a major part of yourself or choose 561 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,160 Speaker 1: not to stay because this is not how you want 562 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:14,040 Speaker 1: to live your life. Acknowledge that you may have made 563 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:18,120 Speaker 1: an error, Know that that error is not fatal, and 564 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:23,320 Speaker 1: that there's something better. Because if you want so much 565 00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:27,200 Speaker 1: to be with a man who doesn't want you, imagine 566 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,560 Speaker 1: how good it will be to be with a man 567 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:30,160 Speaker 1: who does. 568 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:32,080 Speaker 3: Oh yes, lord. 569 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:37,080 Speaker 1: M all right, my beloved, let me know how you 570 00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:39,200 Speaker 1: make out. Give me a give me a call, and 571 00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:44,160 Speaker 1: let's say ninety days and tell me where you are. Okay, yes, okay, 572 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:51,120 Speaker 1: my love, be well, bye bye, laying on the nail. 573 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 1: And the truth is you will lay on that nail 574 00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:58,320 Speaker 1: and whine and moan and complain until you do something 575 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,160 Speaker 1: about it. And if you're not willing to get up 576 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,480 Speaker 1: off the now, the very least you can do is 577 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:07,240 Speaker 1: do something to make you feel better while you're laying there. 578 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:11,600 Speaker 1: I am Yamla and thank you for tuning in. If 579 00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:15,760 Speaker 1: you have questions insights about this or any other relationship 580 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:18,479 Speaker 1: issue and you would like to explore it here on 581 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:21,160 Speaker 1: the R spot, you can call me live at seven 582 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:25,479 Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight, and 583 00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,280 Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for the 584 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:32,800 Speaker 1: call in times in the meantime, stay in peace, not pieceless. 585 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:42,160 Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in 586 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:47,920 Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit 587 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:52,320 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to 588 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:53,720 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.