WEBVTT - Busting Through The "Control Myth" (It’s not what you think) (Outweigh) 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:04.520 I won't let my body out be outwait everything that 0:00:04.680 --> 0:00:08.160 I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change. 0:00:08.680 --> 0:00:12.959 I'm learning love who I am again. I'm strong, I 0:00:13.080 --> 0:00:17.880 feel free. I know every part of me it's beautiful 0:00:19.520 --> 0:00:24.479 and that will always out way if you feel it. 0:00:24.520 --> 0:00:28.400 But you she'll some love to the vio I get there, 0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:35.000 say go day and did you and die out way? 0:00:35.159 --> 0:00:38.360 Happy Saturday, Outwigh. I'm Leanne Ellington and I'm the author 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:41.040 and creator of stressles Seating and I'm here for a 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:44.120 solo episode this week. But before we dive in, Amy 0:00:44.159 --> 0:00:46.559 and I did a series called Two Things Can Be 0:00:46.600 --> 0:00:50.120 True at the same time designed to normalize the in 0:00:50.320 --> 0:00:54.320 betweens and heal from extremism. So if you miss those, 0:00:54.480 --> 0:00:58.040 definitely go back and check those out. All eight episodes 0:00:58.080 --> 0:01:00.760 are out now and we're gonna keep on treking along 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:04.480 with this week's episode about Way, which is all about 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:07.720 one of the biggest myths that comes up with my clients. 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:10.880 So just for context, the number one thing that I've 0:01:10.880 --> 0:01:13.880 noticed women do to try to take control and I'm 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:16.560 really putting that in air quotes, but take control of 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:19.080 their health is to try to take control of the 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:22.280 food that they are eating. And heck, there's a multi 0:01:22.360 --> 0:01:25.720 billion dollar industry geared towards helping you do just that, 0:01:25.880 --> 0:01:29.600 and that's really what the diet industry is. But when 0:01:29.600 --> 0:01:32.600 it comes to any woman that struggles with any type 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:36.840 of disordered eating or an actual eating disorder, this adds 0:01:36.959 --> 0:01:40.000 even more madness to the equation because the more you 0:01:40.040 --> 0:01:43.160 try to air quotes control what you eat, ironically, the 0:01:43.200 --> 0:01:46.440 more out of control you feel. And the truth is 0:01:46.440 --> 0:01:50.040 is that everyone knows how to control food or control 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:53.200 what you put in your body, and everyone knows how 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:55.760 to do the whole eat less, move, more dance, and 0:01:55.880 --> 0:01:58.360 you know, there's countless options out there teaching you how 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:01.960 to count and measure and and restrict and micromanage or 0:02:02.040 --> 0:02:06.720 control what or how much you eat. But let's be honest, 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:09.800 is that really the approach that you want to take? 0:02:10.280 --> 0:02:13.200 And is that going to help or harm you and 0:02:13.240 --> 0:02:17.000 your efforts with your relationship with food? And does that 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:20.680 even solve the right problem? And if you get truly 0:02:20.720 --> 0:02:24.959 honest with yourself, is trying to you know, control yourself? 0:02:25.360 --> 0:02:27.760 If that was going to work, wouldn't it have worked 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:30.960 by now? Now this might seem like a super obvious 0:02:31.000 --> 0:02:33.920 thought process. But again, I have worked with hundreds of 0:02:33.919 --> 0:02:36.520 women over the years, and the number one thing I 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:40.280 hear is leanne I wish I had more control over food. 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:43.400 And if you're anything like I was, or like my 0:02:43.480 --> 0:02:47.280 clients are, trying to control food or track food or 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:51.960 simply think about food, actually makes disordered eating worse, and 0:02:52.200 --> 0:02:55.799 it ingrains more of the diet mentality that you think 0:02:55.840 --> 0:02:58.919 you're trying to get away from. And I totally get 0:02:58.919 --> 0:03:01.480 it because I learned and the same eat less move 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:05.320 more equation that I'm assuming you know you probably learn too. 0:03:05.360 --> 0:03:08.520 And even though yeah, it can be effective and feeding 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:12.120 that short term gratification trap of making you feel like 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:16.000 you're in control, unless you address your relationship with food, 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:19.639 nothing will change in the long run. So, for example, 0:03:19.720 --> 0:03:22.840 if within your relationship with food, you feel like you're 0:03:22.840 --> 0:03:26.079 a slave to controlling yourself or a slave to exercise 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:28.880 to make you feel some sense of control or to 0:03:28.960 --> 0:03:31.320 keep you from feeling like you're going off the date bend, 0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:34.960 or if you're always bouncing from one extreme to the other. 0:03:35.080 --> 0:03:37.600 So for me, it looked like, you know, dieting and 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:40.839 restricting or playing food police until I couldn't really take 0:03:40.880 --> 0:03:43.960 it anymore, and then my inner rebel would kick in 0:03:44.040 --> 0:03:46.120 and I would move to the polar opposite, you know, 0:03:46.480 --> 0:03:49.440 care free, abandonment, eating whatever I could get my hands on, 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:52.360 and then of course feeling guilty or trying to out 0:03:52.360 --> 0:03:55.880 exercise what I ate. So if you live anywhere on 0:03:55.920 --> 0:03:58.440 that spectrum, and we all have our own version of it, 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:02.480 that means you're mos likely living on that up and down, 0:04:02.560 --> 0:04:06.760 all or nothing control roller coaster, which means you're probably 0:04:06.800 --> 0:04:09.640 the opposite of free. And if I can be bold 0:04:09.720 --> 0:04:12.200 and take a guess, I'm guessing that you're probably the 0:04:12.240 --> 0:04:14.960 opposite of happy, because let's be honest, that's no way 0:04:15.000 --> 0:04:17.800 to live. And as you're gonna hear me talk about 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:21.520 a lot, unless you, or I should say, until you 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:24.719 address the self image and body image that's causing you 0:04:24.800 --> 0:04:26.720 to think and act and feel and behave the way 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:29.360 that you are and to eat the way that you're eating, 0:04:29.560 --> 0:04:32.360 or to eat your feelings, or you know, to feel 0:04:32.440 --> 0:04:36.479 all that shame and blame and guilt and comparisonitis and perfectionism, 0:04:36.720 --> 0:04:39.400 or you know, whatever your version of that is. And 0:04:39.440 --> 0:04:42.280 again we all have our own. There's no shame, and 0:04:42.600 --> 0:04:45.279 I'm really not trying to be doom and gloom or negative, 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:48.040 but you will bring all of your old habits and 0:04:48.080 --> 0:04:51.000 old thinking and old behaviors with you if you don't 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:55.080 address it. And that's why today's episode is so important. 0:04:55.440 --> 0:04:58.520 But also, you know, there are so many mixed messages 0:04:58.560 --> 0:05:01.640 out there about this idea trying to you know, control 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:04.000 what you eat and the fact that you should try 0:05:04.000 --> 0:05:07.600 to get good at controlling yourself and having more willpower. 0:05:08.240 --> 0:05:11.479 But in reality, not only does this mentality keep you 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:14.599 stuck in the cycle and oftentimes it makes it worse. 0:05:15.200 --> 0:05:18.080 But thinking that controlling what you eat or even that 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:21.240 weight loss is going to solve a deeper, bigger struggle, 0:05:21.839 --> 0:05:24.919 or that it is the answer, it's actually going to 0:05:25.040 --> 0:05:28.360 keep you from finding what actually works for you to 0:05:28.480 --> 0:05:31.880 heal in all the ways that you need healing. And again, 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:35.360 this is not a short term conversation, because everything works 0:05:35.360 --> 0:05:37.520 in the short run, and there's a million ways to 0:05:37.600 --> 0:05:40.599 feel in control in the short run, But then it's 0:05:40.640 --> 0:05:43.200 like what happens after a few days or a few weeks, 0:05:43.279 --> 0:05:46.240 and you know, we really need to shift the paradigm 0:05:46.400 --> 0:05:49.080 to start talking about what will work for you in 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:52.560 the long run. As in forever and heal the cycle, 0:05:53.040 --> 0:05:55.840 close the loop, put the fire out, and prevent the 0:05:55.880 --> 0:05:59.240 fires from popping back up in the future. So what 0:05:59.400 --> 0:06:02.359 I'm proposed us is that we dive into the thinking 0:06:02.520 --> 0:06:05.599 and the mindset and the brain set behind all of this, 0:06:05.800 --> 0:06:08.280 as in, you know, the wiring in your brain that 0:06:08.400 --> 0:06:12.560 is doing the doing without your permission. And in order 0:06:12.600 --> 0:06:15.159 to do that, I want to start by addressing one 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:17.520 of the biggest myths that you need to be aware 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:20.880 of if you ever want to heal your relationship with food, 0:06:20.920 --> 0:06:24.560 your relationship with your body, your relationship with yourself, and 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:27.440 put all of this stressing about food and your body 0:06:27.440 --> 0:06:30.760 to bed for good. So let's dive in. So I 0:06:30.880 --> 0:06:33.359 believe that one of the biggest myths out there in 0:06:33.360 --> 0:06:36.880 the women's health world is just that it's this idea 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:40.080 that you should go get good at controlling food. And 0:06:40.440 --> 0:06:42.560 like I said, I can't even tell you how many 0:06:42.560 --> 0:06:46.280 women I speak with that wish they could simply you know, 0:06:46.360 --> 0:06:50.240 have more willpower or discipline or perseverance to stick with 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:53.640 whatever plan they put themselves on, or you know, maybe 0:06:53.640 --> 0:06:56.400 their dietician or nutritionists put them on it. And yes, 0:06:56.720 --> 0:06:59.359 you know, sometimes it's even an eating disorder specialist that 0:06:59.400 --> 0:07:02.600 put you on something that essentially caused you to think 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:06.040 about food even more. And again, there's so many different 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:08.040 things out there, and I'm not trying to make anything wrong, 0:07:08.080 --> 0:07:10.400 but we also want to be aware of that, even 0:07:10.440 --> 0:07:12.280 when we think we're getting the help that we need, 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:14.840 if it's not serving us, we want to know what 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:18.040 that looks like too, right, because the reality is, let's 0:07:18.040 --> 0:07:20.640 face it, all you want to do is not think 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:23.520 about it and not have it rule your brain. There 0:07:23.560 --> 0:07:26.760 are so many amazing dieticians and nutritionists and eating disorder 0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:28.800 specialists out there, but a lot of my clients come 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:31.240 to me and they're likely Anne, I went to somebody 0:07:31.240 --> 0:07:34.160 that specialized in eating disorders and disordered eating and it 0:07:34.560 --> 0:07:37.280 made the problem worse. So you also want to be 0:07:37.400 --> 0:07:42.360 aware of when it's creating more of this food focused conversation. Right. 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:44.800 And I can't even tell you how many women come 0:07:44.800 --> 0:07:46.760 to me and tell me that, like, if they could 0:07:46.800 --> 0:07:49.160 just figure out how to make, you know, willpower and 0:07:49.200 --> 0:07:52.040 discipline and control show up for them, then all would 0:07:52.080 --> 0:07:54.680 be well and the problem would be solved. And they 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:57.120 kind of feel bad that they're not able to muster 0:07:57.280 --> 0:07:59.960 up those skills, and I used to think this same 0:08:00.200 --> 0:08:02.320 thing about my own struggles and my own up and 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:05.480 down weight loss, weight gain, yo yo cycle, and my 0:08:05.560 --> 0:08:08.280 own inability to stick with whatever the you know, diet 0:08:08.320 --> 0:08:10.040 of the month or plan of the month I promised 0:08:10.080 --> 0:08:12.720 myself I would follow through on, And I came to 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:15.280 learn that it was only because I was focusing on 0:08:15.320 --> 0:08:18.119 the wrong thing. In fact, I was actually making things 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:21.960 worse because willpower and motivation and the ability to you know, 0:08:22.080 --> 0:08:25.320 grit my way through yet another unsustainable plan or program 0:08:25.440 --> 0:08:29.720 or structure were not my problems. The real problem was 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:33.200 this idea in my head that I actually wanted to 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:36.720 go get good at control in the first place, or 0:08:36.760 --> 0:08:39.960 to be a better dieter or whatever words I was using. 0:08:40.640 --> 0:08:44.239 That was the problem. It was that hyper control mentality 0:08:44.600 --> 0:08:47.240 that was keeping me stuck and the fact that I 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:50.080 was trying to become more skillful in a way of 0:08:50.120 --> 0:08:52.520 thinking that was setting me up to lose and setting 0:08:52.520 --> 0:08:54.640 me up to fail. Well, that was just the icing 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:57.719 on the cake. Because when trying to control myself or 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:01.520 grit my way through cravings or you willpower, when that 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:05.080 kind of thinking was the epicenter of my strategy, this 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:08.079 was basically my life. So, first off, I was playing 0:09:08.080 --> 0:09:10.360 a game that I would never love and I would 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:13.920 never win. Yet I was investing crazy amounts of time 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:16.240 and energy and money and you know, heart and soul, 0:09:16.320 --> 0:09:20.560 really trying and wishing and praying that somehow this time 0:09:20.559 --> 0:09:23.400 would be different. I was playing a game that I 0:09:23.440 --> 0:09:26.840 would never love and never win, and trying to force myself, 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:30.640 persuade myself, convince myself to keep playing, even though I 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:32.960 knew in my heart that it would never work and 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:34.960 that there had to be a better way, even if 0:09:34.960 --> 0:09:37.240 I didn't know what the heck that looked like. Right, 0:09:37.800 --> 0:09:39.840 I was playing a game that I would never love 0:09:39.920 --> 0:09:44.079 and never win, and then beating myself up or shaming myself, 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:47.960 blaming myself, feeling guilty all the time because I honestly 0:09:48.000 --> 0:09:50.960 thought there was something wrong with me, that I was 0:09:51.080 --> 0:09:53.720 the problem. Till all of a sudden, you know, I 0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:55.960 got to that point where I hate to admit it, 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:58.880 but I kind of almost lost hope or faith or 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:02.880 trust that anything would work for me, because by that point, 0:10:02.960 --> 0:10:06.360 I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me. I 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:10.760 genuinely thought I was messed up or a food addict 0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:14.600 or whatever other cruel and untrue things I was saying 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:19.319 to myself. Thankfully though a moment literally down on my 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:23.040 knees on a paddle board with tears streaming down my face, 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:26.400 and I now endearingly call it my first quarter life crisis, 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:29.560 which is a whole other story all in itself, but 0:10:29.640 --> 0:10:32.920 it forced me to stop putting band aids on the problem, 0:10:33.360 --> 0:10:36.120 get the help that I needed, and finally solve the 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:39.000 problem that had been following me around my entire life. 0:10:39.640 --> 0:10:42.360 And it was only through those series of events that 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:46.040 I was able to realize the following. So trying to 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:49.800 use willpower and control was simply a band aid or 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:52.320 a way of me papering over the fact that I 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:57.000 had a really complicated and stressful and emotional relationship with 0:10:57.080 --> 0:11:03.160 food and a complicated, stressful and emotional relationship with myself. Ironically, though, 0:11:03.480 --> 0:11:07.280 you know when you're trying to control yourself all the time, 0:11:07.480 --> 0:11:10.200 you know what that brings more of? Well, yeah, you 0:11:10.400 --> 0:11:14.239 probably guessed complication, stress, and emotion. So it's taking the complication, 0:11:14.360 --> 0:11:16.880 the stress, and the emotion and just adding to it, 0:11:16.960 --> 0:11:18.960 but trying to control myself thinking that it was going 0:11:19.000 --> 0:11:20.560 to help, but it was making it worse. And it 0:11:20.600 --> 0:11:23.360 was just one big catch twenty two. And this is 0:11:23.400 --> 0:11:25.160 where I want to talk about something that I talk 0:11:25.160 --> 0:11:28.440 about all the time, and I call it the weight 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:35.360 of the weight. And this is where I want to 0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:38.040 talk about something that I talk about all the time, 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:41.640 and I call it the weight of the weight, because 0:11:41.679 --> 0:11:44.480 the weight on your body isn't the real weight. The 0:11:44.880 --> 0:11:47.640 real weight is all this other stuff that you've been 0:11:47.720 --> 0:11:49.840 carrying around with you. And we're going to talk about 0:11:49.840 --> 0:11:52.439 what that is in just a second, but for right now, 0:11:52.520 --> 0:11:55.679 just know this, like, once you make the shift, once 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:59.240 you ditch that weight what I call the weight of 0:11:59.400 --> 0:12:02.600 the weight, that's when you'll finally be able to be 0:12:02.800 --> 0:12:06.160 done with all the food and body and diet stuff 0:12:06.360 --> 0:12:09.040 once and for all, and you know, no more dieting 0:12:09.080 --> 0:12:12.800 and worrying and stressing or obsessing or second guessing or whatever, 0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:16.000 right and you can just finally stop all of that 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:20.800 controlled diet madness, okay, and you'll be able to get 0:12:20.840 --> 0:12:23.640 off the up and down all or nothing roller coaster 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:26.640 and you'll know how to give yourself what you really 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:29.560 need to transform your health for good, not just get 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:32.280 those short term. Can't keep them because I can't sustain 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:34.920 this kind of results. Right. And when I talk about 0:12:34.960 --> 0:12:37.160 the weight of the weight, there's a few different weight 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:39.240 of the weights that you'll hear me talk about throughout 0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:41.800 these episodes on that way. But the weight of the 0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:44.160 weight that I want to talk about today is the 0:12:44.320 --> 0:12:47.520 first weight that needs to be ditched, and it's the 0:12:47.559 --> 0:12:52.400 weight of the fight, Okay, the fight against food, the 0:12:52.480 --> 0:12:56.360 fight against your body, the fight against yourself. And I 0:12:56.440 --> 0:12:59.520 want to give you permission to ditch the weight of 0:12:59.559 --> 0:13:03.760 the fight, which is really this quest to control, as in, 0:13:04.040 --> 0:13:07.120 ditch the weight of the restriction and the deprivation and 0:13:07.160 --> 0:13:10.920 the punishment and the persuasion and the stress that typically 0:13:10.960 --> 0:13:14.040 comes alongside food in your body. And it does not 0:13:14.480 --> 0:13:18.520 have to because here's the thing. Food is not the problem. 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:22.440 Food is not some enemy, right. The hyper trying to 0:13:22.480 --> 0:13:26.000 control yourself mentality is the problem here. It's your thoughts 0:13:26.040 --> 0:13:28.199 about food that are the problem. Right. The all or nothing, 0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:31.320 black white up down on off roller coaster is the 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:35.240 problem because you can't ever get off, or if you do, 0:13:35.480 --> 0:13:38.440 you become terrified that you're going to go. You know, 0:13:38.480 --> 0:13:39.840 for me, it was like, oh my gosh, I'm going 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:41.040 to go gain a bunch of weight I'm going to 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:42.760 go off the deep end. I'm gonna feel so out 0:13:42.760 --> 0:13:45.800 of control. So either way, you end up feeling like 0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:48.559 you're a slave to it, and you become like kind 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:50.559 of like a hostage to it. It controls your life 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:53.200 more than you do. Right, And so here's the truth. 0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:57.040 This is the real weight. This is what perpetuates your 0:13:57.080 --> 0:14:00.080 struggle with food and your body and actually makes it 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:03.720 worse because first of all, it's stressful, but I would 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:06.760 even go as far as say it's fattening. And here's 0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:08.840 what I mean. So I want to share with you 0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:11.000 what I call the tail of two cookies. And I've 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:15.160 shared this before, but it definitely bears repeating. So picture this. 0:14:15.360 --> 0:14:18.080 If I eat a cookie and I allow myself to 0:14:18.200 --> 0:14:20.880 really experience it, you know, the positive emotions of the 0:14:20.880 --> 0:14:25.000 cookie like joy, pleasure, indulgence, just permission to eat it, 0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:27.480 no drama. Right. This is going to put me in 0:14:27.520 --> 0:14:30.440 the relaxed branch of my nervous system. It's called the 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:33.480 parasympathetic branch. And so as a result, I'm going to 0:14:33.560 --> 0:14:36.040 have all of those feel good, happy hormones floating through me, 0:14:36.440 --> 0:14:40.840 things like dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin and most women don't 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:43.880 know this, but you've got to be in that parasympathetic 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:47.480 branch if you want to digest your food optimally and 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:51.840 extract nutrients and really just get your metabolism firing optimally. 0:14:51.880 --> 0:14:55.000 As in, your metabolism and nervous system can't do its 0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:58.720 job if it's not in that parasympathetic branch. But on 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:02.280 top of that, now that cookie has become one more 0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:07.400 repetition of me practicing relaxation and ease around food, and 0:15:07.680 --> 0:15:10.160 you're gonna learn the nervous system it just it literally 0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:13.040 just gets good at whatever you teach it, whatever it practices, 0:15:13.600 --> 0:15:17.320 and then this is going to create positive neuro associations 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:20.800 alongside that cookie. But on the flip side, if I 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:23.720 eat a cookie, same cookie, but this time I'm feeling 0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:26.880 guilty because I think it's bad, or because I'm doing 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:31.480 something air quotes wrong, or simply eliciting any other negative emotions, 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:35.360 this puts me in the stressed branch of my nervous system, 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:39.280 the sympathetic branch. And so now this experience of the cookie, 0:15:39.280 --> 0:15:42.320 the same cookie but with different thoughts means that I 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:47.320 have these stress hormones floating through me. Things like cortisol, adrenaline, epinephyrine. 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:49.920 And again, you know, when you're in this branch of 0:15:49.920 --> 0:15:53.440 your nervous system, it's not able to optimally do its job, 0:15:53.600 --> 0:15:58.240 so optimal digestion, optimal extraction of nutrients, and really like 0:15:58.360 --> 0:16:02.040 firing up metabolic path ways. Your brain thinks it's running 0:16:02.080 --> 0:16:04.120 from a saber toothed tiger, so it's not able to 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:07.440 optimally do all of that right. But on top of that, 0:16:07.680 --> 0:16:11.600 now this cookie, with those thoughts, it's me practicing like 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:17.200 another repetition right of stress and unease and disease right 0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:20.920 disorder around food. And again, the nervous system gets good 0:16:20.960 --> 0:16:24.000 at whatever it practices. So now we're laying down these 0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:28.440 negative neuro associations alongside food. Okay, but this isn't just 0:16:28.520 --> 0:16:30.920 the case when it comes to food, Okay, who you're 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:34.280 being and how you're feeling before, during, and after any 0:16:34.440 --> 0:16:38.120 action is what makes the biggest difference. So it's not 0:16:38.440 --> 0:16:41.320 about what you're doing that's the most important thing. It's 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:45.000 about who you're being and how you're feeling. And that's why, yes, 0:16:45.120 --> 0:16:47.760 I'm saying it's better to eat a cookie with permission 0:16:47.840 --> 0:16:51.920 than a kale salad under duress or distress, because how 0:16:52.000 --> 0:16:55.560 you feel matters. Okay, when you are stressed or feeling 0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:59.040 guilty or overwhelmed, or you just feel it crap you 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:03.520 are in you're creating and eliciting that threat or stress response. Okay. 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:06.560 But the cool thing is your body also has this 0:17:06.720 --> 0:17:10.480 relaxation response that cascades when you feel good or at 0:17:10.520 --> 0:17:14.400 peace during any experience. So again, it's not the cookie, 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:17.640 it's who you're being and how you're feeling before, during, 0:17:17.640 --> 0:17:19.600 and after, and the same is true for your body. 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:21.920 So let's just run through that. So for example, and 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:23.520 I want you to just kind of picture this in 0:17:23.560 --> 0:17:27.040 your own body. If I'm feeling pain free, right and 0:17:27.119 --> 0:17:30.040 I'm thinking happy thoughts and my nervous system is happy 0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:33.600 and healthy, bam, it's going to trigger that relaxation response. 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:36.360 But if I'm in pain, so physical pain, maybe it's 0:17:36.400 --> 0:17:39.879 emotional pain because I'm thinking self critical thoughts about my body, 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:43.480 that's gonna make my nervous system I call it nervous, 0:17:43.520 --> 0:17:46.840 like a nervous nervous system, and bam, I'm triggering that 0:17:46.880 --> 0:17:49.920 fight or flight response. And yes, that's simply based on 0:17:50.000 --> 0:17:53.639 the thoughts that I'm thinking about my body so again, 0:17:54.119 --> 0:17:56.360 it's not your body, it's who you're being and how 0:17:56.400 --> 0:18:00.120 you're feeling about your body and the thoughts that you're thinking. 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:01.840 And I could go on and on and on. I 0:18:01.920 --> 0:18:04.360 used you know, cookie in your body as an example, 0:18:04.400 --> 0:18:07.159 but I think you're starting to get a pattern here. Okay, 0:18:07.840 --> 0:18:11.560 but there's another really big reason that trying to restrict 0:18:11.720 --> 0:18:15.640 or control and like again the control mentality in general, 0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:19.239 why it's the problem. Because if I told you not 0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:21.320 to think about the color blue, okay, just roll with 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:23.359 me for a second, Like, do not think about the 0:18:23.400 --> 0:18:26.840 color blue, Okay, don't think about blue paint or a 0:18:26.880 --> 0:18:30.240 blue sky, just don't think about the color blue. Period. 0:18:31.040 --> 0:18:34.879 We as humans, especially women, if we are told that 0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:38.359 we can't or have or do or you know, can't 0:18:38.440 --> 0:18:43.119 consume something, it's all we think about. We want it 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:45.239 even more right, if you tell me I can't have it, 0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:48.600 I think about it. Right. And so every woman that 0:18:48.640 --> 0:18:52.399 I've ever met that struggles with overeating or emotional eating 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:56.480 or disordered eating or an eating disorder, you're so sick 0:18:56.520 --> 0:19:00.720 of thinking about food, right, And that's why telling yourself 0:19:00.800 --> 0:19:03.120 not to have something, not to do something, it's going 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:05.560 to make you think about it even more. And again, 0:19:06.040 --> 0:19:08.320 you're sick of thinking about food, right that you just 0:19:08.359 --> 0:19:11.000 want to think about it less. But when you're in 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:13.600 that all or nothing, black white on off roller coaster 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:15.960 and you're trying to play the control control control game, 0:19:16.000 --> 0:19:18.160 which we already learn it just doesn't work and it's 0:19:18.200 --> 0:19:21.439 never going to work, you're stuck in that paradigm. Okay. 0:19:21.960 --> 0:19:24.200 So again, in other words, I mean, he's just trying 0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:25.560 to say this a different way, and I'm one of 0:19:25.560 --> 0:19:27.880 those people that likes to hear things multiple different ways. 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:30.439 But I'll just kind of spell it out. Food is 0:19:30.520 --> 0:19:33.320 not the problem, Okay. I know we listen to podcasts 0:19:33.359 --> 0:19:35.200 and we read books and we think like, oh my gosh, 0:19:35.200 --> 0:19:38.000 I have a food problem. But it's really not the food. 0:19:38.160 --> 0:19:41.280 It's your thoughts about food that are the problem, okay. 0:19:41.680 --> 0:19:44.320 And your weight in your body are not this air 0:19:44.440 --> 0:19:47.680 quotes problem. It's your thoughts about your body that are 0:19:47.720 --> 0:19:51.400 causing and perpetuating the problem. And I hate to say 0:19:51.400 --> 0:19:53.160 it like this, but like you are not the problem, 0:19:53.160 --> 0:19:55.639 but you are also the problem in the way that like, 0:19:56.000 --> 0:19:58.480 it's your thoughts about yourself that are the problems. So 0:19:58.600 --> 0:20:01.560 your thoughts are the solution. Therefore you are the solution. 0:20:01.640 --> 0:20:03.640 It's one of those things that I had to own 0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:06.040 where I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm the problem. What's 0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:08.200 that Taylor Swift song? She's like, Hey, I'm the problem. 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:11.480 It's me right, I'm the problem. But by golly, I 0:20:11.560 --> 0:20:14.720 am the solution. Which is so empowering because I know 0:20:14.760 --> 0:20:16.720 for me, I was thinking the solution lived you know 0:20:16.800 --> 0:20:19.199 air quotes out there, and now I know, no, it 0:20:19.240 --> 0:20:21.200 lives in here. It's in my mind. It's in my brain. 0:20:21.240 --> 0:20:23.560 But I had to acknowledge not with shame, like with 0:20:23.640 --> 0:20:26.159 love and compassion that like I am creating the problem 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:28.479 in my head with the way that I'm thinking, and 0:20:28.560 --> 0:20:31.200 more of the control side of it is just perpetuating 0:20:31.320 --> 0:20:35.320 that thinking, more of the problem. Right. So if food, 0:20:35.560 --> 0:20:37.840 you know, stresses you out or bums you out or 0:20:37.880 --> 0:20:41.840 weighs you down, food is not the problem. It's it's 0:20:41.880 --> 0:20:44.760 your relationship with food and who you're being and how 0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:47.959 you're feeling around the food that's the problem. Right. And 0:20:48.000 --> 0:20:52.480 I can promise you this, right, food is not going away, Okay, temptation, 0:20:53.000 --> 0:20:55.840 it's not going away either. And you know, family gatherings 0:20:55.920 --> 0:20:59.359 and holidays and nights out on the town and you know, 0:20:59.480 --> 0:21:01.480 tired night, it's at home on the couch. You know 0:21:01.520 --> 0:21:05.080 the times when statistically most people tend to mindlessly eat 0:21:05.240 --> 0:21:09.719 or stress eat or emotionally eat. They aren't going away either, Okay. 0:21:10.000 --> 0:21:12.879 In fact, we can count on the fact that food 0:21:13.000 --> 0:21:16.280 will always be a part of our lives. So the 0:21:16.320 --> 0:21:18.800 way I see it, you can keep kind of ignoring 0:21:18.840 --> 0:21:22.200 that and just hope that willpower and discipline magically appear 0:21:22.600 --> 0:21:26.080 to counter all the restrictions in control. Or you can 0:21:26.160 --> 0:21:29.800