WEBVTT - Can Successful Black Women Find an Equal Partner in a Relationship?

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<v Speaker 1>An illegal alien from Guatemala charged with raping a child

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<v Speaker 1>in Massachusetts. An MS thirteen gang member from Al Salvador

0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:11.840
<v Speaker 1>accused of murdering a Texas man of Venezuelan charged with

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<v Speaker 1>filming and selling child pornography in Michigan. These are just

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<v Speaker 1>some of the heinous migrant criminals caught because of President

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<v Speaker 1>Donald J. Trump's leadership. I'm Christy nom the United States

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<v Speaker 1>Secretary of Homeland Security. Under President Trump, attempted illegal border

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<v Speaker 1>crossings are at the lowest levels ever recorded, and over

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<v Speaker 1>one hundred thousand illegal aliens have been arrested. If you

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<v Speaker 1>are here illegally, your next you will be fined nearly

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<v Speaker 1>one thousand dollars a day, imprisoned, and deported. You will

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<v Speaker 1>never return. But if you register using our CBP home

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<v Speaker 1>app and leave now, you could be allowed to return legally.

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<v Speaker 1>Do what's right. Leave now. Under President Trump, America's laws,

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<v Speaker 1>border and families will be protected.

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<v Speaker 2>Sponsored by the United States Department of Homeland Security.

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<v Speaker 3>My question is this idea of like the Boss Chick

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<v Speaker 3>and you know, independent black women, and has.

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<v Speaker 4>That has it served us? Is that the question out?

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<v Speaker 3>Or is it is it destroying the black family ecosystem.

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<v Speaker 4>I think you have to say on some level it's

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<v Speaker 4>destructive to a traditional black uh family ecosystem. I think

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<v Speaker 4>just the facts bear that out right. So that's not feelings,

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<v Speaker 4>that's not subjective, that's just the reality is. As you

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<v Speaker 4>just pointed out, Uh, there is a huge numbers gap

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<v Speaker 4>between Black women that are buying homes at almost twice

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<v Speaker 4>the rate of single Black men that are graduating from

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<v Speaker 4>undergrad and professional schools at sometimes six seven times the

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<v Speaker 4>rate of our brothers. And by the way, if you

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<v Speaker 4>ask most Black women, that's not something that we enjoy

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<v Speaker 4>or appreciate, Like, it's not a situation. And I think

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<v Speaker 4>that's another misconstruction and a and a miss assumption that

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<v Speaker 4>black women are out here strategically competing against black men. No, sir,

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<v Speaker 4>we most of us want to be in relationship with

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<v Speaker 4>black men, and so it's in our interests, even selfishly,

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<v Speaker 4>so not necessarily from this altruistic place of oh, we

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<v Speaker 4>just want to see our brothers succeed. There's that for sure,

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<v Speaker 4>but there's a self interested element of that right that says,

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<v Speaker 4>if I'm a black woman and I want to have

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<v Speaker 4>black children with a black man and live in a

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<v Speaker 4>house with a black husband, and do and buy properties

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<v Speaker 4>and travel the world and enjoy my life alongside a

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<v Speaker 4>black man. I would like him to be similarly positioned

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<v Speaker 4>to me socioeconomically, so that that partnership feels comfortable and

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<v Speaker 4>feels safe from a fiscal place and maybe some other

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<v Speaker 4>places too. So let me just spend a little time

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<v Speaker 4>on that, because I was talking to a very good

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<v Speaker 4>girlfriend of mine, who's one of your typical clients, as

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<v Speaker 4>you describe, for early forties, making, you know, five hundred

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<v Speaker 4>k plus single to death. And there's a lot of

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<v Speaker 4>thought that women like her myself even of course, are materialistic.

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<v Speaker 4>And that's why when we say we are attracted to

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<v Speaker 4>this type of man, or we prefer to date this

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<v Speaker 4>kind of man that has similarly Notice not hardly any

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<v Speaker 4>of us are saying we need a man to make

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<v Speaker 4>more than us, or we need a man to take

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<v Speaker 4>care of us, or we need a man to pay

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<v Speaker 4>our bills. No, no, really, truly, hand to God, we

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<v Speaker 4>really just really would love to be partner with someone

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<v Speaker 4>who is similarly positioned.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, let me interject one thing, because this this is

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<v Speaker 3>going to be controversial, but this is this is I

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<v Speaker 3>think important. So The problem with this is that, all right,

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<v Speaker 3>so a thirty five year old single woman who's making

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<v Speaker 3>four hundred thousand dollars a year, right, and that they're

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<v Speaker 3>looking for that equal counterpart, and that that makes sense, right,

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<v Speaker 3>But it's like, the difficult part about that is that

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<v Speaker 3>the equally yoked man who's thirty five that's making five

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<v Speaker 3>hundred thousand dollars, he's probably already in relationship's probably married.

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<v Speaker 3>The ones the ones that's not married, they're not necessarily

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<v Speaker 3>looking for somebody that's thirty five the twenty eight year old.

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<v Speaker 3>So now it's like, okay, you're either forced with a

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<v Speaker 3>decision to just remain single or look down. Now there

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<v Speaker 3>is the truck drive. Now is the ups man who's

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<v Speaker 3>a great man, but who's making eighty thousand dollars a year, right,

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<v Speaker 3>Because now it's equal, it's hard to find that equal counterpart. Men.

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<v Speaker 3>You could be fifty years old and it's not The

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<v Speaker 3>age doesn't really matter.

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<v Speaker 4>And I've said this and this is controversial, right, that

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<v Speaker 4>because of the way society values gender roles, right, So

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<v Speaker 4>the way in which we find a woman attractive, what

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<v Speaker 4>are we really talking about under that? And it doesn't

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<v Speaker 4>hurt my feelings. Let's just say it people across the

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<v Speaker 4>spectrum culturally, but we're talking about black people. So let's

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<v Speaker 4>let's center that Black women are assessed around our beauty,

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<v Speaker 4>our esthetic, physical beauty, and there's biological reasons for that,

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<v Speaker 4>and our fertility and our youth. Those are the main

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<v Speaker 4>things that a man is going to be assessing when

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<v Speaker 4>deciding if you are for him. And then it's going

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<v Speaker 4>to be the quote soft skills. It's gonna be do

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<v Speaker 4>you make him feel loved, you know, cater to loyal,

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<v Speaker 4>Are you relatively non confrontational, not too much pushback or

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<v Speaker 4>challenges around ideas and decisions, And those are the things

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<v Speaker 4>that would really make you just highly desirable in the

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<v Speaker 4>dating market as a woman. Now let's go to men.

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<v Speaker 4>What makes a man highly desirable in a dating market.

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<v Speaker 4>It is going to be financials. It's going to be

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<v Speaker 4>your ability to provide financially and fiscally. It's also going

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<v Speaker 4>to be your physical is kind of your stature, Like

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<v Speaker 4>there's a reason why you know this six sixty sixth thing.

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<v Speaker 4>I think that's really corny, but whatever, But there's a

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<v Speaker 4>reason why a lot of women will swipe right on

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<v Speaker 4>men that are at least five ten six feet. You know,

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<v Speaker 4>they want to feel there's some physical dominance coming from

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<v Speaker 4>a man. Then you've got, you know, just kind of age.

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<v Speaker 4>There's a reason why older men like you just said,

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<v Speaker 4>bro like fifty plus, that's not a deterrent for most

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<v Speaker 4>women because that presumes more stability. That presumes you've lived

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<v Speaker 4>life longer, and you can probably protect and know and

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<v Speaker 4>help and navigate these spaces better and more effectively than

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<v Speaker 4>I can in my youth. So you're right. Kind of

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<v Speaker 4>the way in which we assess and evaluate value as

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<v Speaker 4>men versus women create and inherent conflict. I will add

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<v Speaker 4>one little caveat though, to the scenario you laid out

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<v Speaker 4>where you've got these thirty four.

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<v Speaker 1>An illegal alien from Guatemala charged with raping a child

0:08:25.680 --> 0:08:29.480
<v Speaker 1>in Massachusetts. An MS thirteen gang member from El Salvador

0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:33.840
<v Speaker 1>accused of murdering a Texas man of Venezuelan charged with

0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:37.800
<v Speaker 1>filming and selling child pornography in Michigan. These are just

0:08:37.920 --> 0:08:41.679
<v Speaker 1>some of the heinous migrant criminals caught because of President

0:08:41.720 --> 0:08:45.240
<v Speaker 1>Donald J. Trump's leadership. I'm Christy Nohm, the United States

0:08:45.320 --> 0:08:50.120
<v Speaker 1>Secretary of Homeland Security. Under President Trump, attempted illegal border

0:08:50.120 --> 0:08:53.680
<v Speaker 1>crossings are at the lowest levels ever recorded, and over

0:08:53.760 --> 0:08:56.960
<v Speaker 1>one hundred thousand illegal aliens have been arrested. If you

0:08:57.040 --> 0:09:01.600
<v Speaker 1>were here illegally, your next be fine nearly one thousand

0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:05.760
<v Speaker 1>dollars a day, imprisoned, and deported, you will never return.

0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:09.120
<v Speaker 1>But if you register using our CBP home app and

0:09:09.240 --> 0:09:12.560
<v Speaker 1>leave now, you could be allowed to return legally. Do

0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:17.800
<v Speaker 1>what's right. Leave now. Under President Trump, America's laws, border

0:09:18.000 --> 0:09:19.800
<v Speaker 1>and families will be protected.

0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:22.079
<v Speaker 2>Sponsored by the United States Department of Homeland Security.

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<v Speaker 4>Five and up. Women who've got these big incomes and

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<v Speaker 4>degrees and all this stuff, but we're not necessarily as

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<v Speaker 4>desirable to the men that are our age and financial equal.

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<v Speaker 4>Which is why personally I enjoy dating older men because

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<v Speaker 4>at forty, if I'm dating a man who's fifty six,

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<v Speaker 4>there's more likelihood that he will appreciate some aspect of

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<v Speaker 4>youth around me. That same fifty six year old get

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<v Speaker 4>a twenty eight year old. It's possible, But this is

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<v Speaker 4>I'm living this. I'm not just talking and writing about it, guys.

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<v Speaker 4>I'm out here living this, and I have been for

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<v Speaker 4>the last five or so fourish years since ended my engagement.

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<v Speaker 4>I do find that that that can be a sweet

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<v Speaker 4>spot for some women that are in that like thirty

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<v Speaker 4>eight to forty five year old range, you know, dating

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<v Speaker 4>older men can kind of give you back some of

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<v Speaker 4>that advantage you.

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<v Speaker 5>When I'm listening to it, I'm trying to figure out

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<v Speaker 5>there's plenty of women who are in that scenario right

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<v Speaker 5>now when we're talking about socio economic factors. Is that

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<v Speaker 5>the compromise, or even I only want to use the

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<v Speaker 5>word of compromise, is that I think you better think

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<v Speaker 5>about it.

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<v Speaker 4>I think you damn sure, because I got girlfriends that

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<v Speaker 4>and sorority sisters that don't like to date those men.

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<v Speaker 4>There is exactly what you said. They want their forty

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<v Speaker 4>they want a date a forty year old they want

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<v Speaker 4>they don't have kids. They don't want him to have kids. Right.

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<v Speaker 4>So one of the reasons I'm sure we'll get into this.

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<v Speaker 4>You guys know, I've been very public that I am

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<v Speaker 4>deep into my single motherhood by choice journey. I'm having

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<v Speaker 4>my child as we speak, like that process is well underway.

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<v Speaker 4>And one of the reasons I'm doing that is because

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<v Speaker 4>I date older men. And you know what older what

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<v Speaker 4>the situation of older men are. They've had their child,

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<v Speaker 4>their children are grown, their children might even be in

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<v Speaker 4>college or beyond. So a fifty six year old man,

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<v Speaker 4>even a fifty eight year old man, is not inclined

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<v Speaker 4>to want to change Pampers and warm bottles. Okay, he's

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<v Speaker 4>still right. So I'm not gonna say because I was

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<v Speaker 4>doing that, Like before I decided to do this journey,

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<v Speaker 4>I was like thirty seven, thirty eight, and I was

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<v Speaker 4>dating these like fifty two fifty three year old guys,

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<v Speaker 4>a lot of them in finance, a lot of them,

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<v Speaker 4>you know, having businesses, and they were like, love you,

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<v Speaker 4>definitely would be with you, would even marry you, but baby,

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<v Speaker 4>oh no, no no. So I kept running into that

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<v Speaker 4>like there were like three guys in a row if

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<v Speaker 4>that was the scenario. So it's like, now I got

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<v Speaker 4>a decision to make. How bad do I want to

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<v Speaker 4>be a mother? I had to assess that because if

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<v Speaker 4>that's kind of optional, then what he's proposing is a

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<v Speaker 4>good scenario. You know, let's go live life and I

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<v Speaker 4>still boss out and be this great career woman and

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<v Speaker 4>we travel and go to the Saint Bart's and say

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<v Speaker 4>tape and live a great life. But if I really

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<v Speaker 4>want to be mother, and I do, I had to

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<v Speaker 4>make a different decision, which is, let me go have

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<v Speaker 4>my child and then we can come. We could have

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<v Speaker 4>more of a companion relationship with these older guys that

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<v Speaker 4>have already raised their children and lived their lives. And

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<v Speaker 4>that's probably the path I'm on. But yes, to the

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<v Speaker 4>front end of your question, what do we do as

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<v Speaker 4>relative middle aged Let's say that, let's just own it, right,

0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:27.120
<v Speaker 4>middle aged black women who are highly educated with these

0:12:27.360 --> 0:12:31.800
<v Speaker 4>high incomes based on societal averages, we've essentially priced ourselves

0:12:31.840 --> 0:12:33.600
<v Speaker 4>out of the market. And when I say, I mean

0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:36.199
<v Speaker 4>in a lot of ways, we priced ourselves out of

0:12:36.200 --> 0:12:38.320
<v Speaker 4>the market in terms of our incomes many of the time,

0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:40.200
<v Speaker 4>because think about it, like, let's just talk. You guys

0:12:40.240 --> 0:12:43.200
<v Speaker 4>are numbers guys for real, Right, When you're talking about

0:12:43.320 --> 0:12:47.000
<v Speaker 4>making five to seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars a

0:12:47.080 --> 0:12:50.120
<v Speaker 4>year in some cities, you're talking about being in the

0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:52.880
<v Speaker 4>one to two percent of income earners of the whole

0:12:52.920 --> 0:12:57.480
<v Speaker 4>society as period, not just as black women, like period.

0:12:57.559 --> 0:12:59.720
<v Speaker 4>Like when you make seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars

0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:01.679
<v Speaker 4>a year or more in New York City, you're earning

0:13:01.679 --> 0:13:04.320
<v Speaker 4>in the top one percent of New York City even

0:13:04.320 --> 0:13:08.200
<v Speaker 4>compared to white men, compared to black men, compared to anybody.

0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:11.640
<v Speaker 4>So now that's a small pool anyway. And now you're

0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:13.760
<v Speaker 4>telling me that I want somebody that's earning in the

0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:16.400
<v Speaker 4>top one percent alongside me, and I want him to,

0:13:16.760 --> 0:13:18.839
<v Speaker 4>you know, potentially not have children and want to have

0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:22.320
<v Speaker 4>more children than it's too much. So, yes, we do

0:13:22.400 --> 0:13:25.640
<v Speaker 4>have to start making strategic whether you want to call

0:13:25.679 --> 0:13:28.320
<v Speaker 4>it compromises or settling or mister good enough or I

0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:29.840
<v Speaker 4>don't give a dad what you call it, but we

0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:33.280
<v Speaker 4>have to start deciding what's important. So for me, being

0:13:33.320 --> 0:13:37.520
<v Speaker 4>a mother is important for me, maintaining a high income

0:13:37.600 --> 0:13:40.600
<v Speaker 4>so that I can maintain autonomy and the ability to

0:13:40.640 --> 0:13:43.240
<v Speaker 4>say no to any shit I don't want to tolerate.

0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:46.240
<v Speaker 4>Is it just I don't give a damn who feel

0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:49.200
<v Speaker 4>away about it? It's important to me. Money is power,

0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:52.000
<v Speaker 4>no matter who has it. You better know that. Okay.

0:13:52.120 --> 0:13:55.160
<v Speaker 4>How many women right now or men are in domestically

0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:58.400
<v Speaker 4>violent situations because they don't have the capacity financially to

0:13:58.520 --> 0:14:01.240
<v Speaker 4>leave and go anywhere else. They you know, would love

0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:04.400
<v Speaker 4>to leave an unfulfilling relationship because I love how people

0:14:04.400 --> 0:14:06.320
<v Speaker 4>always act like people that you know are in that

0:14:06.440 --> 0:14:08.840
<v Speaker 4>middle to low income range. They're all good people. They

0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:11.360
<v Speaker 4>all love their mamas, and they're all perfect partners. Right,

0:14:11.760 --> 0:14:17.280
<v Speaker 4>get the fuck out of here. No unhappy, right, Let's

0:14:17.280 --> 0:14:20.000
<v Speaker 4>stop that Tyler Perry bullshit. What the reality is a

0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:22.760
<v Speaker 4>lot of them are unhappy in those relationships, just stuck together.

0:14:23.080 --> 0:14:23.960
<v Speaker 2>We just woke about this.

0:14:24.320 --> 0:14:28.080
<v Speaker 4>Literally, they fiscally. Look at these interest rates, Look at

0:14:28.080 --> 0:14:33.080
<v Speaker 4>these rental rates New York. Because I was paying six

0:14:33.160 --> 0:14:36.000
<v Speaker 4>thousand dollars a month rent for a one bedroom apartment.

0:14:36.240 --> 0:14:38.120
<v Speaker 4>Get the hell out of here, So let me go

0:14:38.120 --> 0:14:42.200
<v Speaker 4>ahead and get this mortgage situation going. So you know,

0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:44.720
<v Speaker 4>those are some of the things. So you can't have

0:14:44.840 --> 0:14:46.880
<v Speaker 4>it all. I don't care who you are, man or woman,

0:14:47.160 --> 0:14:49.200
<v Speaker 4>but you can have a lot of what you want

0:14:49.360 --> 0:14:51.120
<v Speaker 4>if you're willing to tell the truth about what that

0:14:51.240 --> 0:14:52.080
<v Speaker 4>is and what that looks like.

0:14:52.280 --> 0:14:55.920
<v Speaker 1>An illegal alien from Guatemala charged with raping a child

0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:59.720
<v Speaker 1>in Massachusetts. An MS thirteen gang member from El Salvador

0:15:00.040 --> 0:15:04.120
<v Speaker 1>accused of murdering a Texas man of Venezuelan charged with

0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:08.080
<v Speaker 1>filming and selling child pornography in Michigan. These are just

0:15:08.200 --> 0:15:11.960
<v Speaker 1>some of the heinous migrant criminals caught because of President

0:15:12.000 --> 0:15:15.520
<v Speaker 1>Donald J. Trump's leadership. I'm Christy Noman, the United States

0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:20.360
<v Speaker 1>Secretary of Homeland Security. Under President Trump, attempted illegal border

0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:23.960
<v Speaker 1>crossings are at the lowest levels ever recorded, and over

0:15:24.040 --> 0:15:27.240
<v Speaker 1>one hundred thousand illegal aliens have been arrested. If you

0:15:27.320 --> 0:15:31.160
<v Speaker 1>are here illegally, your next you will be fined nearly

0:15:31.240 --> 0:15:35.280
<v Speaker 1>one thousand dollars a day, imprisoned, and deported. You will

0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:38.960
<v Speaker 1>never return. But if you register using our CBP home

0:15:39.000 --> 0:15:42.360
<v Speaker 1>app and leave now, you could be allowed to return legally.

0:15:42.720 --> 0:15:47.520
<v Speaker 1>Do what's right. Leave now. Under President Trump, America's laws,

0:15:47.640 --> 0:15:50.080
<v Speaker 1>border and families will be protected.

0:15:50.200 --> 0:15:52.320
<v Speaker 2>Sponsored by the United States Department of Homeland Security,