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Speaker 1: M okay. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast,

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Speaker 1: a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all

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Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best

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Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard

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Speaker 1: and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more

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Speaker 1: information or to find a therapist in your area, visit

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Speaker 1: our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While

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Speaker 1: I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast,

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Speaker 1: it is not meant to be a substitute for relationship

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Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so

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Speaker 1: much for joining me for session Therapy for Black Girl's podcasts.

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Speaker 1: Last week on our social media channels, we posted a

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Speaker 1: community members question about struggling with the idea of losing

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Speaker 1: some of your freedom to be in a relationship and

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Speaker 1: who y'all engaged in such a thoughtful and beautiful conversation,

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Speaker 1: So of course we had to bring it to the

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Speaker 1: podcast to talk through it a little more. A lot

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Speaker 1: of people were talking about preferring and wanting and choosing

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Speaker 1: to stay single because of that expectation that when they

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Speaker 1: get in a relationship they're going to lose some of

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Speaker 1: their freedom. For this conversation, I was joined by Dr

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Speaker 1: Maria Dominguez to chat all about it, and we'll dig

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Speaker 1: right in after this quick word from our sponsor introducing

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Speaker 1: Dr Dominguez, also known as Dr D the m f T,

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Speaker 1: is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Missouri, Hawaii,

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Speaker 1: and Michigan and a life coach that is passionate about

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Speaker 1: cultivating resilience in life and in relationships. Dr D and

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Speaker 1: I chatted about what it looks like to explore this

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Speaker 1: idea of freedom while in relationships, How you can begin

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Speaker 1: to define what freedom looks like to you, conversations to

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Speaker 1: have while dating that can help you gain clarity about this,

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Speaker 1: and establishing a culture in your relationship that can support

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Speaker 1: the many changes you and your partner are likely to experience.

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Speaker 1: If you hear something that resonates with you while listening,

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Speaker 1: please be sure to share with us on social media

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Speaker 1: using the hashtag TPG in session. Here's our conversation. But

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Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us today, Dr Dominguez.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. I am so excited to

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Speaker 1: be here. Yeah. So we have been having a very riveting,

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Speaker 1: I would say, conversation over in the Instagram comments. So

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Speaker 1: we posted a question last week, and our new features

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Speaker 1: help us sister out and that's where audience or community

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Speaker 1: members can kind of submit a question or a topic

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Speaker 1: they want to discuss with the collective and kind of

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Speaker 1: have people weigh in on it. And so one of

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Speaker 1: the questions last week was about how do you maintain

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Speaker 1: your sense of freedom while being in a relationship, And

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Speaker 1: needless to say, the comments section has been jumping and

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Speaker 1: so you shared beautifully, which is why I wanted you

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Speaker 1: to come on the podcast to talk more about this,

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Speaker 1: because it definitely feels like something is happening right Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that that people are feeling that the world, at least

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Speaker 1: a lot of people who commented or feeling that their

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Speaker 1: sense of freedom is in some way threatened by the

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Speaker 1: possibility of being in a relationship. So I just want

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Speaker 1: to hear your thoughts on what you kind of think

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Speaker 1: maybe shaping this kind of a of a conversation and

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Speaker 1: narrative that people are holding onto. Absolutely. First I'll share

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Speaker 1: from my own personal, individual perspective, and then I'll kind

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Speaker 1: of go out. And what I shared in the comments

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Speaker 1: was my own experience, right, because I am in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: I've been married for nine years and we've known each

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Speaker 1: other since high school, so it's like a fifteen year marriage.

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Speaker 1: And I was sharing about how throughout, you know, through

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Speaker 1: those fifteen years do you do a lot of changing,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm definitely not the same sixteen year old or

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Speaker 1: seventeen year old that that met him, right, and through

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Speaker 1: those years, like different changes come and the response to

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Speaker 1: those changes differ. Some of those changes were welcome, you know,

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Speaker 1: it was welcome with open arms and like yes, other

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Speaker 1: of those changes got decided like where is this coming from?

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Speaker 1: You know, who are you? And so for myself, one

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Speaker 1: thing that I realized I got confused with this whole

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Speaker 1: idea of freedom was expecting or kind of anticipating the

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Speaker 1: person's support to be necessary for me to move forward

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Speaker 1: with that. And so what liberated me and my process

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Speaker 1: was realizing, like, the reason we even work is because

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Speaker 1: we compliment each other, and we compliment each other because

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Speaker 1: we're different people, we have different perspectives, and at times

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Speaker 1: that's exactly what I need. At other times, like I

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Speaker 1: want us to be working in unison, but sometimes I

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Speaker 1: like using the metaphor of like being singing in unison

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Speaker 1: versus singing in harmony, And sometimes that harmony is so

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Speaker 1: much more beautiful. But to have that harmony, you do

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Speaker 1: need to learn how to marry that difference together. And

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Speaker 1: so understanding that when I do not receive the support

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Speaker 1: that I want or that I long for or that

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Speaker 1: I anticipate, it is up to me to know how

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Speaker 1: to look inward and understand, Okay, why do I want

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Speaker 1: to do this, why do I feel so strongly? What

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Speaker 1: is it that you know, my intuition is guiding me

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Speaker 1: to do? And how can I do it? How can

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Speaker 1: I encourage myself? How can I support myself even if

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Speaker 1: I'm not getting that support need meant by this particular person,

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Speaker 1: You know, I can reach out and have that meant

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Speaker 1: by a family member or by a friend, or by

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Speaker 1: someone in my spiritual community. And so that kind of

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Speaker 1: what was really important for me at that individual level,

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Speaker 1: and yeah, my understanding of freedom and a relationship and

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Speaker 1: a lot of people seeming to resonate with that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely,

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Speaker 1: And I love this this whole part of you kind

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Speaker 1: of turning internally right and kind of reflecting for yourself, like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what is it that I am looking for? And so

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Speaker 1: I'm wondering, you know, what can you share with maybe

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Speaker 1: other people about how to do that internal process? Oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: so I form my self and um, I know a

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Speaker 1: lot of other people. Journaling is big, and and journaling

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Speaker 1: in the way in which you're asking yourself questions. Because

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Speaker 1: when you ask yourself a question, just the way a

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Speaker 1: brain is wired, like it automatically starts creating some kind

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Speaker 1: of solution. And when we're writing it out or whether

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Speaker 1: you're doing a video journal or audio journal, like then

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Speaker 1: your brain, you know, it tries to put the pieces

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Speaker 1: together and it it usually brings some kind of revelation

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Speaker 1: to you. And so writing has been very important in

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Speaker 1: my healing and liberating process. But I know for other

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Speaker 1: people that I've worked with or I speak with, using

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Speaker 1: music or using some kind of creative process to express

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Speaker 1: what it is that they're feeling or going through really

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Speaker 1: helps them to be able to uncover that. But it's

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Speaker 1: about like recognizing and sitting with whatever it is you're feeling.

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Speaker 1: So if you're feeling that, like that discomfort of I'm

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Speaker 1: feeling trapped or I'm feeling contrained, like, don't don't brush

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Speaker 1: it off. I know for myself sometimes I'll I in

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Speaker 1: the past, I would just be like, well, you know,

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Speaker 1: that's married life for you know, not necessarily, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be that way. So where is this coming from?

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Speaker 1: What is it that I'm feeling I'm comfortable and really

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Speaker 1: discovering that and bringing that to the surface, because once

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Speaker 1: you understand what the core is, then you could deal

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Speaker 1: with it so much more effectively. So I would imagine

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Speaker 1: that there may be some people listening who are thinking,

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Speaker 1: whoa is this how I'm feeling? Like? Am I feeling

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Speaker 1: like my freedom is being threatened? So can you give

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Speaker 1: us some ideas about like how would you even know

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Speaker 1: if this is something that you're struggling with. Resentment is

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Speaker 1: a very good warning sign. So if you're starting to

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Speaker 1: feel resentment, then that that's probably a sign that yeah,

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Speaker 1: that that there might be some some feelings of a

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Speaker 1: loss of freedom there, got it. Yeah, And that resentment

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Speaker 1: I think can speak to a lot of different things, right,

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Speaker 1: Like I think we've even talked about on the podcast

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Speaker 1: how that resentment is a warning sign of like a

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Speaker 1: needing to typen up on boundaries, or you know, lots

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Speaker 1: of different things kind of pop up as resentment. So

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Speaker 1: I definitely agree that you're feeling resentment. There's a need

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Speaker 1: to kind of look at what's happening there. Yes, And

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Speaker 1: then those feelings we touched on it a little bit earlier,

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Speaker 1: of like of being trapped or even the idea that

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Speaker 1: another person being involved that means that you somehow have

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Speaker 1: a little bit less power or a little bit less privilege.

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Speaker 1: And that's not necessarily a case unless we allow it

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Speaker 1: to be so. And so I'm wondering if there are

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Speaker 1: any kinds of things that you can be on the

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Speaker 1: lookout for, or are there questions that you can ask

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Speaker 1: maybe in the dating relationship that will kind of give

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Speaker 1: you a sign about what this might look like in

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Speaker 1: a long term relationship between you and someone else. Oh,

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Speaker 1: that's a good question, and I definitely think that both

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Speaker 1: of you talking about what your expectations are right, And

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Speaker 1: so I remember some one in the comments was talking

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Speaker 1: about what does that freedom actually mean? Doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: you want to go out and stay out late, doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that you want to do this, want to do that. So,

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Speaker 1: like in the dating relationship, have clear expectations, Like a

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Speaker 1: lot of the times when I'm doing my couple's therapy,

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Speaker 1: it's that mismatch of expectations that was never discussed earlier

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Speaker 1: on in the relationship that presents itself later on. So

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Speaker 1: expectations about what's appropriate or inappropriate when it comes to

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Speaker 1: building relationships with people of other sexes, or what they

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Speaker 1: believe to be inappropriate when it comes to what's forgivable

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Speaker 1: or what it's not forgivable, or when divorce can be

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Speaker 1: put on the table or not put on the table,

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Speaker 1: or all all of these things. Even money, you know,

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Speaker 1: like what what's appropriate? How involved are we going to

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Speaker 1: be in each other's finances? Like all of these things

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Speaker 1: and expectations. A lot of the times we just assume

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Speaker 1: that our partner thinks the way that we do, and

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Speaker 1: it's not until we're confronted with that friends, than we

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Speaker 1: realize there's a totally different way of looking at this

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Speaker 1: m hmmm. Yeah. And I think a lot of that

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Speaker 1: pre work is really important because there are some things

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Speaker 1: that you just don't even imagine will come up in

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Speaker 1: partnership and you're like, whoa, where did they come from?

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Speaker 1: And it kind of comes from, you know, not discussing

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Speaker 1: some of these really important topics that I think are

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Speaker 1: important to talk about kind of early on in a partnership. Yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I like the the idea of even even discussing, like,

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Speaker 1: what is these this evolution gonna look like, because sometimes

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Speaker 1: people expect that how this relationship started, this is how

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Speaker 1: it's gonna look like for the next ten twenty plus years,

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Speaker 1: and taking into account and maybe even you know, discussing

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Speaker 1: with each other like what does that change look like?

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Speaker 1: And how are we going to nurture support or not

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Speaker 1: when those changes come up, because we we do change

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Speaker 1: over the years, and how do we are our partners

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Speaker 1: so lovingly and embracing those changes? M And I want

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Speaker 1: to dig into that a little bit more dr D

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Speaker 1: because I feel like that is really hard, especially when

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Speaker 1: we ourselves don't always know how we're gonna change, like

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Speaker 1: in the next teen years, right, Like things happen, your

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Speaker 1: interest change, and you know, so the commitment that you

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Speaker 1: made early on in the partnership may look very different

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Speaker 1: ten years in, right, And and so how do you

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Speaker 1: how do you navigate that? Because I feel like in

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Speaker 1: some ways, like some changes are small, right, like you

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Speaker 1: you change your hair or you know, something like pretty simple.

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Speaker 1: But there are other changes, like you know, you're taking

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Speaker 1: a job that requires you to travel a whole bunch

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Speaker 1: when you didn't used to, or you know, like changes

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Speaker 1: that really impact the family unit in bigger ways. And

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Speaker 1: so how do you have those kinds of conversations and

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Speaker 1: creative partnership that allows for both people to to change

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Speaker 1: in those ways? That is? That is such a powerful question.

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Speaker 1: And I faced with that question a lot, especially because

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Speaker 1: of the population of people I work with and and

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Speaker 1: live with as a military spouse. Often a lot of

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Speaker 1: those changes occur because it's part of the job, right.

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Speaker 1: A lot of our service members are forced to go

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Speaker 1: through a lot of transitions. They experience and witnessed a

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Speaker 1: lot of trauma, and there's a lot of like isolation

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Speaker 1: then you know, being moved to another one, and there

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Speaker 1: is a lot of that sense of a loss of

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Speaker 1: freedom because you know, you might you might have to

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Speaker 1: throw your five year plan out the window, Like you

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Speaker 1: don't you have no idea where you'll be living five

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Speaker 1: years from now, or things like that and so and

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Speaker 1: the ways in which we change and we grow up

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Speaker 1: or um, we may say stuff when we do experience

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Speaker 1: traumatic events that has an impact on our personality as well.

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Speaker 1: And what I found from working with military families, also

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Speaker 1: working with families that go through a lot of transition, Um,

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Speaker 1: you know a lot of uh, the spouses of business women,

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Speaker 1: men and women that need to travel a lot, and

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Speaker 1: they stay home, or they may have chosen to put

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Speaker 1: their career on hold while they take care of the

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Speaker 1: children while their partners traveling all of those things. Then

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Speaker 1: all of these couples have to look at each other

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Speaker 1: and figure out what is still tying us all of

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Speaker 1: these changes happen, we change ourselves, but how do we

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Speaker 1: still stay connected? And that answer looks very different for

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Speaker 1: every couple. But like figuring out, like what what is

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Speaker 1: our bond based on? And then having that acceptance that

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Speaker 1: many of these other things will change. But like you know,

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Speaker 1: our commitment to these vows or our spiritual connection or

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Speaker 1: our attachment bond to each other or our love for

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Speaker 1: this is always going to remain and I've seen that

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Speaker 1: a lot of couples have found that to be kind

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Speaker 1: of what they hope onto and be able to cope

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Speaker 1: with a lot of these other changes in our personalities

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Speaker 1: as a result of you know, what life throws at us.

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Speaker 1: M hm. So I think something else that happens, and

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Speaker 1: you often hear this whole expression of oh, she lost

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Speaker 1: herself in the relationship. Oh yeah, right, So I want

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Speaker 1: to touch on that a little bit and kind of

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Speaker 1: talk through like how that happens and what that looks like,

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Speaker 1: because I think that that can be something that contributes

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Speaker 1: to this waking up one day is realizing like, oh

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Speaker 1: my goodness, like who am I in this relationship? So

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Speaker 1: can you talk a little bit about like maybe if

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Speaker 1: you had a client who came in and said, you know,

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Speaker 1: five years into this relationship and I'm realizing, I don't

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Speaker 1: know what my interests are. I don't you know, I

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Speaker 1: feel like I've lost myself in this relationship. Yeah, And

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Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of times that losing themselves

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Speaker 1: with the clients when they come up and and you know,

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Speaker 1: I can relate to that feeling as well. A lot

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Speaker 1: of times it's triggered one we noticed that we're not

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Speaker 1: doing things that we used to before, or we dropped

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Speaker 1: habits that we used to have, or maybe we were

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Speaker 1: very career oriented people, and then we we chose to um,

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Speaker 1: stay home and and um take care of the children,

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Speaker 1: or or travel for a year with our our partner

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Speaker 1: overseas or whatever the case may be. But there was

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Speaker 1: something that we had as a priority or we were

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Speaker 1: really committed to at one point, and then we no

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Speaker 1: longer practice that or engage in that, and then we're like, okay,

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Speaker 1: now what And so one way I like to kind

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Speaker 1: of reframe it or look at it is, Okay, how

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Speaker 1: do you want to recreate yourself? Who is it that

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Speaker 1: you want to be now? Because the power that we

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Speaker 1: have is the power to reinvent ourselves. So because you know,

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Speaker 1: maybe five or ten years ago, um, you might have

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Speaker 1: really been interested in writing, but now you have found

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Speaker 1: that there's something else that's calling your attention or there's

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Speaker 1: something else that you're really interested in. But again that

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Speaker 1: it's coming back to that self reflection piece is the

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Speaker 1: spending time with yourself and figuring out what is it

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Speaker 1: that I need most now and you being your biggest

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Speaker 1: advocate for having those needs met versus yet expecting or

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Speaker 1: anticipating someone or something outside you to guide you in

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Speaker 1: that direction. Mmmmm. I love that information. And is there

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Speaker 1: a way to really kind of tap into that for yourself.

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Speaker 1: So you've already mentioned journaling, yes, And I like bonding

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Speaker 1: with other people who have had similar experiences. So that's

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Speaker 1: part of what I love with the community that you're

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Speaker 1: building because that question itself, like, that's not something that

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Speaker 1: you know, I've had a lot of conversations about, but

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Speaker 1: then we make these taboo topics open and we connect

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Speaker 1: to each other about that, and then we understand, Okay,

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Speaker 1: it's not only me, and there are other people that

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Speaker 1: have found this way to do it or that way

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Speaker 1: to do it. And so just just finding a safe space,

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Speaker 1: finding community, and um allowing your experience to be heard.

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Speaker 1: Even that process in itself, will you know, because sometimes

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Speaker 1: when you say something and then you hear the words

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Speaker 1: actually come out of your mouth, you're like, oh shoot.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes you know it's that conviction, or sometimes it's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: that's a really good idea, you know, I want to

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Speaker 1: go forward with that. So um, not allowing yourself to

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Speaker 1: to be isolated is also really helpful in you figuring out, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what is it that I need or how is it

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Speaker 1: that I want to move forward? So looking for community

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Speaker 1: and yeah, that also helps you in that process of

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Speaker 1: self reflection because we kind of have some kind of

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Speaker 1: contrast their feedback. So a lot of the suggestions you're

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Speaker 1: offering require us to maybe have some very difficult conversations. Um, anyway,

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Speaker 1: we know those are not always easy. So can you

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Speaker 1: talk a little bit about like the kind of internal

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Speaker 1: work and the kind of personal work you might need

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Speaker 1: to do either to have this kind versation with somebody

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Speaker 1: you're dating or partner with, or even with yourself, Like

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Speaker 1: I think sometimes there's some work that needs to be

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Speaker 1: done before you can be even honest with some of

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Speaker 1: the pieces of yourself. I agree, and I love the

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Speaker 1: concept of emotional intelligence. The way I was raised, emotions

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Speaker 1: were frowned upon. I suppose it was something that you know,

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Speaker 1: it's not it's irrational, like logic, you know, came first,

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Speaker 1: and so like I, I ended up reaching a point

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Speaker 1: where I would emotionally cut off or shut off right

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Speaker 1: and then um when and still in many ways. I'm

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Speaker 1: so grateful for the transition that I'm sensing in our culture,

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Speaker 1: in society in general, but there are still many areas

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Speaker 1: where emotions are frowned upon or they're seen as less than.

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Speaker 1: And so I like the idea of emotional intelligence because

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Speaker 1: our emotions are a source of intelligence. Our emotions point

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Speaker 1: to an area that needs to be healed, or it

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Speaker 1: points to something that needs to be resolved, or points

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Speaker 1: to something that needs a little bit more attention. And

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Speaker 1: so if we're feeling like we're trapped, if we're feeling

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Speaker 1: like we're we're um losing a sense of freedom or

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Speaker 1: we're losing ourselves, that is absolutely something that we need

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Speaker 1: to pay more attention to, that we need to listen to.

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Speaker 1: And I like to talk about emotions being messengers and

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Speaker 1: sitting with the emotion and trying to understand, Okay, what

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Speaker 1: is it that you're trying to communicate to me, Especially

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Speaker 1: if you keep on feeling that emotion intensely or coming

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Speaker 1: to you over and over and over again, try to

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Speaker 1: think about it as some messenger coming to you, trying

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Speaker 1: to communicate something that is going to help you move forward,

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Speaker 1: something that is trying to help you be more resilient

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Speaker 1: or trying to help you have a little bit more

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Speaker 1: balanced in your life, and um, being able to sit

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Speaker 1: with that and understand what you're feeling and what what

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Speaker 1: it is that you need as a result of that,

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Speaker 1: whether that be anger or sadness, or feeling isolated or

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Speaker 1: you know, of the loss of freedom, all of those things.

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Speaker 1: And going through that process was how I came to

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Speaker 1: the realization about you know, me using that support and

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Speaker 1: confusing it with permission. And I realized, Okay, yes I'd

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Speaker 1: like support, of course who wouldn't. But when I don't

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Speaker 1: get it, I can still move forward with what's important

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Speaker 1: to me versus oh, I'm not getting support, so I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to do that. M And I think that

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Speaker 1: that's the important piece, right, And I think we talked

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Speaker 1: about this on the podcast, to just this like internal

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Speaker 1: knowing in this sense of intuition, and sometimes we don't

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Speaker 1: pay attention to you, right, but that really is usually

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Speaker 1: a very important message for us to actually tap into. Absolutely. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I think you know that is the hard part

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Speaker 1: of just figuring out like how you can really pay

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Speaker 1: attention to that, how you can kind of tap into

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Speaker 1: what message your intuition is trying to give you and

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Speaker 1: literally just asking that question. So you know, whether that's

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Speaker 1: a journal prompt or whether you have like an empty

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Speaker 1: chair in the room and you're like, you know, what,

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Speaker 1: sit down, sit down chains, or sit on pain or

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Speaker 1: sit down anger. What is it that you're trying to

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Speaker 1: tell you right now? And sometimes you know, stepping outside

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Speaker 1: and kind of looking bigger picture, it gives you that

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Speaker 1: flexibility and asking that question gives your brain the opportunity

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Speaker 1: to try to find a solution for that versus you know,

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Speaker 1: a lot of times we're just trying to shy away

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Speaker 1: from it or trying to numb it away or something else,

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Speaker 1: but just inviting it and asking it to reveal its

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Speaker 1: message or teach you what it is that's important for

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Speaker 1: you to grasp or whatever the case may be in

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Speaker 1: that moment. And I would imagine that sometimes you know,

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Speaker 1: like let's say you've done your own work in terms

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Speaker 1: of your emotional to intelligence and you're paying attention to

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Speaker 1: your emotions and what they're trying to teach you. But

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Speaker 1: that may come up against a partner who has not

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Speaker 1: necessarily done that work, right, So you're trying to have

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Speaker 1: these conversations, you know, you have done all the work,

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Speaker 1: but then this person has not, and so you're trying

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Speaker 1: to have this conversation maybe about how you see yourself

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Speaker 1: changing and what the relationship might look like now that

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Speaker 1: you change, but they have not done that work. So

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Speaker 1: do you have any suggestions about like how to navigate

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Speaker 1: that kind of a conversation. I was like, I saw

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Speaker 1: where this was going, Like as soon as you like, look,

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Speaker 1: it's not It's definitely not easy because just us going

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Speaker 1: through that process ourselves, it takes so much work, so

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Speaker 1: much energy, and it would be ideal, it would be

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Speaker 1: so beautiful if we could bring that that work, that

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Speaker 1: gift that we that diamond that we mind for you know,

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Speaker 1: going through all that emotions and presented to our partner

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Speaker 1: and they're like appreciative of it and acknowledgement and acknowledge

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Speaker 1: it in all those things. However, a lot of times

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Speaker 1: when we come into our partner, they might still be

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Speaker 1: stuck in um, let's just say a different level of

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Speaker 1: emotional intelligence. And so you are having a hard time

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Speaker 1: trying to be heard or feel understood or feel seen.

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Speaker 1: And so it's about again when you meet that like

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Speaker 1: being very aware of how you make meaning of that.

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Speaker 1: So one way you can interpret that is, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: this person doesn't care about me, they don't love me.

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Speaker 1: Another way we could go like the name calling route,

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Speaker 1: you know, or we can we can respond to that

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Speaker 1: in so many different ways. But it's paying attention to, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what story am I making about their response? And so

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Speaker 1: if they respond in a way that isn't supporting you,

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Speaker 1: or that isn't here um hearing you, or they might

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Speaker 1: get really defensive, or they might take it um like

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Speaker 1: you're trying to criticize them or text them or whatever,

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00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:06,480
Speaker 1: it's about you understanding that, Okay, we're not in a

434
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,159
Speaker 1: place where we're seeing eye to eye, we're not in

435
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:12,920
Speaker 1: a place where we're understanding each other. I see that

436
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:18,240
Speaker 1: they're operating from defensiveness, or they're operating from anger, or

437
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,960
Speaker 1: they're you know, whatever the case may be. But you

438
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,240
Speaker 1: you doing the work to make sure that you understand

439
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:28,320
Speaker 1: where you are operating from, because then that that gives

440
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,720
Speaker 1: you the power not to fall into into that trap

441
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,840
Speaker 1: of them being being reactive and like control or manipulated

442
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,600
Speaker 1: by by whatever it is that they say. And so

443
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,680
Speaker 1: just noticing like exactly you were mentioning in the question,

444
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,080
Speaker 1: like they're not in a place where they're able to

445
00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:49,440
Speaker 1: hold the intensity of the emotion or the the rawness

446
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:51,639
Speaker 1: of this issue that I'm bringing to them right now.

447
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:56,360
Speaker 1: And if you are in the early stages of a relationship,

448
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,080
Speaker 1: like that's one thing that you could pay attention to,

449
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:02,160
Speaker 1: Like how emotionally intelligent is this person? Like is this

450
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,920
Speaker 1: person someone who is able to hold and process emotion

451
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,640
Speaker 1: or is this someone that just tries to like dodge

452
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,199
Speaker 1: or numb stuff away, Like those are good signs for

453
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,199
Speaker 1: you to know whether or not this is someone that

454
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:20,520
Speaker 1: I could work through life's crap with. Got it? Yeah?

455
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,600
Speaker 1: I think that is important, Like we talked about earlier,

456
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,320
Speaker 1: like Okay, what are some of these questions or what

457
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:26,760
Speaker 1: can I be paying attention to you? This is something

458
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,439
Speaker 1: that you definitely can be paying attention to. Yeah, So

459
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,800
Speaker 1: I think it's also important to kind of broaden the

460
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,240
Speaker 1: conversation a little because we've been talking a lot about

461
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,760
Speaker 1: like if I'm changing and I feel like I want

462
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:38,320
Speaker 1: to do more in the relationship, like how do I

463
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,639
Speaker 1: navigate that? But I also think that there is a

464
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:44,440
Speaker 1: threat in the relationship, or it often feels like a

465
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:47,760
Speaker 1: threat when your partner is changing. Right, So what if

466
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,240
Speaker 1: you you wake up and realize that your partner is

467
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 1: changing in ways that you didn't expect and now the

468
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:57,480
Speaker 1: threat that you experience is like they're burgeoning freedom or

469
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:01,720
Speaker 1: them wanting more freedom in terms of the relationship. Yeah,

470
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:07,240
Speaker 1: and and I feel, um, I don't know how I

471
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:09,119
Speaker 1: feel about this because I feel like I'm bringing it

472
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,720
Speaker 1: back to the self again because then it then the

473
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,520
Speaker 1: question that comes to my mind is isn't that what

474
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,920
Speaker 1: you want unless you know it's not. But if your

475
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:24,080
Speaker 1: spouse or your partner experiencing freedom in the safety of

476
00:27:24,119 --> 00:27:27,680
Speaker 1: a relationship, is that not a beautiful thing? And so

477
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:32,959
Speaker 1: if you feel threatened by your partner expressing themselves in

478
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,440
Speaker 1: a different way, or if you feel threatened by your

479
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:40,200
Speaker 1: partner changing, where is that coming from? Are you fearful

480
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,879
Speaker 1: that they may have less commitment to the relationship? Is

481
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:47,920
Speaker 1: it bringing up something else from previous experiences? But yeah,

482
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:51,880
Speaker 1: then I would be curious as to why your partner

483
00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:57,000
Speaker 1: is sparking some kind of fear panic mm hmmm, yeah,

484
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,640
Speaker 1: that panic feeling. It feels like that is something people

485
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,680
Speaker 1: can really they connect to, right, Um, and I think

486
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,159
Speaker 1: paying attention to that for yourself can give you a

487
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,680
Speaker 1: lot of information about the relationship and about like how

488
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,520
Speaker 1: you maybe both are showing up in the relationship that

489
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:14,240
Speaker 1: they'm shifting a little or you know, spreading their wings

490
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:18,200
Speaker 1: in a little gives you an internal panic feeling right right?

491
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 1: And I think, you know, if we kind of go

492
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,439
Speaker 1: back to the original question around like what our partner

493
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,199
Speaker 1: may be feeling, that maybe some of it, you know,

494
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,720
Speaker 1: so thinking about how you maybe would be feeling can

495
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,440
Speaker 1: give you some insight into maybe how they're feeling as well.

496
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:36,400
Speaker 1: Absolutely so, Dr Dee, can you maybe share some characteristics

497
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:40,400
Speaker 1: of what a relationship looks like when freedom is celebrated,

498
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,120
Speaker 1: when there is this kind of space, like what might

499
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:50,000
Speaker 1: that relationship look like? That relationship would welcome curiosity for sure,

500
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 1: and so it would be when one of the partners

501
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,600
Speaker 1: is dabbling into something different or they showing up, you know,

502
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,360
Speaker 1: with a new trait or a new patterns being curious

503
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:04,239
Speaker 1: and understanding you know, what is inspiring that because a

504
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,440
Speaker 1: lot of times when we do change, it is because

505
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:11,320
Speaker 1: of some kind of experience that we've had or some

506
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:15,680
Speaker 1: kind of new aha moment or insight that we went through.

507
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:19,920
Speaker 1: And so that curiosity allows space for a new level

508
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:23,440
Speaker 1: of intimacy. And so when we're able to connect in

509
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:28,160
Speaker 1: that way, that's not only encouraging, like UM intimacy at

510
00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:31,840
Speaker 1: an intellectual level, it's also at an emotional level, and

511
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:36,040
Speaker 1: that might even be open to to sharing some of

512
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,479
Speaker 1: those new experiences with them so that you know that

513
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:42,320
Speaker 1: would look like providing that support, even though you may

514
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:45,760
Speaker 1: not have chosen to do that yourself, but because your

515
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 1: partner is showing interest in that, UM just at least

516
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:52,760
Speaker 1: being curious or opening open to seeing what that is about.

517
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:59,560
Speaker 1: UM also just increasing communication and again just yeah, exploring

518
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 1: what those changes are about what and redefining what the

519
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:07,520
Speaker 1: future may look like as a result, because in most relationships,

520
00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,880
Speaker 1: what we envision the relationship to look like from day

521
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:14,600
Speaker 1: one is very different from what we envision the relationship

522
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:19,160
Speaker 1: looking like year one, year, five, year, ten, year twenty.

523
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:22,600
Speaker 1: As we evolve, our relationships evolved, and being able to

524
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:26,719
Speaker 1: communicate with each other openly what we see changing in

525
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:31,080
Speaker 1: those visions also allows that freedom to be nurtured, because

526
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:35,360
Speaker 1: if you can even feel safe, then that that would

527
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:37,600
Speaker 1: be goals right to feel safe to talk about and

528
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 1: just brainstorm and be open with each other about what

529
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:46,320
Speaker 1: we could look like moving forward or what could be

530
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:50,000
Speaker 1: represented or lived out in our relationship would be signs

531
00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:53,360
Speaker 1: of freedom being nurtured. Yeah, and that comment made me

532
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:57,760
Speaker 1: think about, like this maybe another important question our conversation

533
00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:01,360
Speaker 1: to add to your kind of early dating questionnaire, just

534
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 1: this idea around, is it okay for people to kind

535
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:07,640
Speaker 1: of have their own things going on that have nothing

536
00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:10,040
Speaker 1: to do with their partner, You know, so if I

537
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,360
Speaker 1: want to do dancing or rock climbing or whatever, like,

538
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:16,080
Speaker 1: does every activity need to be a joint kind of

539
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:18,640
Speaker 1: venture or is it okay for both people to have

540
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:22,640
Speaker 1: interests that really have nothing to do with the other person. Yeah,

541
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:25,440
Speaker 1: and I think that's a beautiful description of what freedom

542
00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:28,520
Speaker 1: in a relationship could look like. It's two people, two

543
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:32,320
Speaker 1: individual people, coming together and choosing to share life together.

544
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:36,560
Speaker 1: That choice of sharing the life together and partnering together

545
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 1: in life does not mean that we are choosing to

546
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:44,400
Speaker 1: do every single activity in our waking moments together, right, Like,

547
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:46,920
Speaker 1: I still have my own visions, my own dreams, and

548
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:49,840
Speaker 1: my own goals, and I still have my space in

549
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:54,280
Speaker 1: which I explore or expand, and I still come together

550
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 1: with you in and sharing that life together. So again,

551
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,840
Speaker 1: like that concept of harmony. It could still be two

552
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:07,160
Speaker 1: um different individuals working together beautifully and everything doesn't have

553
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:10,640
Speaker 1: to be in unison. And that's an excellent question as well,

554
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:14,479
Speaker 1: because a lot of people do think that whatever we do,

555
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:16,600
Speaker 1: we need to do it together. And if you're one

556
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:18,760
Speaker 1: of the people that don't think that, like that would

557
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,800
Speaker 1: be good for you to get out of the way

558
00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:23,280
Speaker 1: from the beginning and be like, Okay, you know there's

559
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,560
Speaker 1: there's somebody for you, but that may not be me

560
00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 1: mm hmm. Yeah. So what kinds of books or other

561
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:33,520
Speaker 1: resources do you want to share, Doctor d for anybody

562
00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,600
Speaker 1: who maybe wants to read out more about this, or

563
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:37,960
Speaker 1: maybe they're feeling like they're struggling with some of this

564
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:40,840
Speaker 1: and want to get more information anything that you really love.

565
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:45,440
Speaker 1: I um like the book The Dance of Intimacy that's

566
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:50,400
Speaker 1: by Harriet Lerner, and that is about you. It teaches

567
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:52,360
Speaker 1: you different ways and prompts you with a lot of

568
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:57,680
Speaker 1: questions to look inward in a way that influences your relationships.

569
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,560
Speaker 1: So I would highly recommend that book and then other

570
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 1: just general books for things that you could do differently

571
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:06,480
Speaker 1: to make sure that you're showing up intentionally in your

572
00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:10,800
Speaker 1: relationships dot Man, John Gotman, the seven principles for making

573
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:15,200
Speaker 1: marriage work, and so Johnson's holding type perfect And where

574
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:18,600
Speaker 1: can people find you online? Dr D? Your website as

575
00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:21,960
Speaker 1: well as any social media handles that you want to share. Yes,

576
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:25,960
Speaker 1: I am on most active on Instagram, so that's at

577
00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:30,440
Speaker 1: doctor spelled d R dot D V m f T

578
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:34,320
Speaker 1: so um dr D the m f T on Instagram.

579
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:38,720
Speaker 1: I'm also they're the same handle on Facebook YouTube, and

580
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,680
Speaker 1: my website is dr D th H D m f

581
00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:44,160
Speaker 1: T dot com Perfect And of course all of that

582
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:46,880
Speaker 1: information will be included in the show notes. Well, thank

583
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:48,920
Speaker 1: you so much for sharing with us, Actor D. I

584
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,640
Speaker 1: really really appreciate it. Thank you. It's my pleasure to

585
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:55,960
Speaker 1: be here. I'm so glad Dr D was able to

586
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:59,080
Speaker 1: share her expertise with us today. To find out more

587
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,920
Speaker 1: information about her and her practice. Are the resources that

588
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:05,680
Speaker 1: she shared. Be sure to check out the show notes

589
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:10,400
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash session, and

590
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:12,759
Speaker 1: don't forget to share this episode with two people in

591
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:16,000
Speaker 1: your circle and share your takeaways with us either on

592
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:19,600
Speaker 1: Twitter or in your I G stories using the hashtag

593
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,239
Speaker 1: tb G in session. A huge thank you to all

594
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:24,880
Speaker 1: of you who showed up at the Will to Be

595
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:28,279
Speaker 1: Will this weekend here in Atlanta. It was an amazing

596
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:31,480
Speaker 1: experience and I'm always so thrilled and grateful to meet

597
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:35,399
Speaker 1: you all in person, So thank you. Remember that if

598
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:38,359
Speaker 1: you're searching for a therapist in your area, be sure

599
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:41,399
Speaker 1: to check out our therapist directory at Therapy for Black

600
00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash directory. And if you want to

601
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 1: continue digging into this topic and meet some other sisters

602
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:50,759
Speaker 1: in your area, come on over and join us in

603
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:53,799
Speaker 1: the Yellow Couch Collective where we take a deeper dive

604
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:57,280
Speaker 1: into the topics from the podcast and just about everything else.

605
00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:00,520
Speaker 1: You can join us at Therapy for Black Girls com

606
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:04,120
Speaker 1: slash y c C. Don't forget to check out our

607
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:06,920
Speaker 1: online store where you can grab a copy of our

608
00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:11,400
Speaker 1: guided affirmation track, break up journal, or your favorite Therapy

609
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:14,880
Speaker 1: for Black Girls T shirt or mug. Grab your goodies

610
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:19,080
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop. Thank

611
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:21,680
Speaker 1: y'all so much for joining me again this week. I

612
00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:24,480
Speaker 1: look forward to continue in this conversation with you all

613
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:26,640
Speaker 1: real soon. Take it care