WEBVTT - BONUS: Questions

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie.

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<v Speaker 1>During this season, you've heard me ask the same question

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<v Speaker 1>at the top of each and every episode, which is

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<v Speaker 1>what has been better since you listened to the previous episode.

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<v Speaker 1>This is an important question. It's important in my work.

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<v Speaker 1>I ask all of my clients when they come back

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<v Speaker 1>to therapy what has been better since the last time

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<v Speaker 1>we talked? Because it's very important that you shift your

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<v Speaker 1>focus to the things in your life that are improving,

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<v Speaker 1>and all of us have them. No one's life is

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<v Speaker 1>all good nor all bad. So we have to learn

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<v Speaker 1>to attend to the good parts of life, the parts

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<v Speaker 1>of life that we experience as more pleasing and desirable

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<v Speaker 1>than others, and focus on them. And that's what this

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<v Speaker 1>question is designed to do. But today is a very

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<v Speaker 1>special episode because I will be guiding you through a

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<v Speaker 1>series of questions. So if you could please grab a

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<v Speaker 1>pen and paper so you can write down your thoughts,

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<v Speaker 1>or just find a quiet area where you'll be able

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<v Speaker 1>to listen uninterrupted. Most of us, by default, we have

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<v Speaker 1>a tendency to ask ourselves questions that aren't necessarily useful

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<v Speaker 1>when troubling things happen. For example, if you have something

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<v Speaker 1>bad happen, like getting fired from your job, we ask

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<v Speaker 1>ourselves why did this happen? If you have a breakup

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<v Speaker 1>in a relationship, we ask ourselves, why does this always

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<v Speaker 1>happen to me? What is wrong with me? How can

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<v Speaker 1>I keep finding myself in this situation? Those kinds of

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<v Speaker 1>questions don't lead us to productive responses. A productive response

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<v Speaker 1>is a kind of response that leads towards action, increased hope,

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<v Speaker 1>and things you can control. I was watching a video

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<v Speaker 1>recently of a former Navy seal. He's now an author

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<v Speaker 1>and social media influencer by the name of David Goggins,

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<v Speaker 1>and somebody asked him when he is thinking about quitting,

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<v Speaker 1>what does he do? He's an ultra marathon or so

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<v Speaker 1>he puts his body through remarkable physical tasks. And they

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<v Speaker 1>asked him, when you're thinking about quitning, what do you do?

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<v Speaker 1>And he shared, you know, when I'm on a hundred

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<v Speaker 1>mile run, there are times I think about quitting or stopping.

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<v Speaker 1>And he said, I asked myself what if? And I

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<v Speaker 1>was so intrigued by that response because a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>people ask themselves what if in a negative way, But

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<v Speaker 1>David Goggins asks himself, what if, in a positive way,

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<v Speaker 1>what if I don't quit? What if I crossed the

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<v Speaker 1>finish line? What if I finished this race? And he said,

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<v Speaker 1>the answer to that question causes him to take one

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<v Speaker 1>more step and keep going, and keep going and keep going.

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<v Speaker 1>That's an example of how you can train your brain

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<v Speaker 1>to ask useful questions when you're facing a hard circumstance.

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<v Speaker 1>The beautiful thing about this is all of us can

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<v Speaker 1>do this, and when we do this, it will drastically

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<v Speaker 1>increase what you're able to get out of life. And

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<v Speaker 1>that really is what my work is all about. The

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<v Speaker 1>first kind of question I want to ask you is

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<v Speaker 1>really all about you learning to adopt a new way

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<v Speaker 1>of thinking. Before I share the kind of questions that

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<v Speaker 1>you need to be asking yourself, I first want to

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<v Speaker 1>point out why this is important. As I said a

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<v Speaker 1>minute ago, we have a tendency to ask ourselves questions

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<v Speaker 1>that aren't useful. Those kind of questions are investigative of

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<v Speaker 1>the problem, but we don't realize that when you investigate

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<v Speaker 1>the problem, all you learned about is the problem and

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<v Speaker 1>we become experts on the problem, but that does nothing

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<v Speaker 1>for your solution. For example, I'll use a personal example,

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<v Speaker 1>I am currently on a fitness journey. I want to

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<v Speaker 1>take my health more seriously. I want to get my

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<v Speaker 1>weight under control. I want to get some health markers addressed. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>if I were to ask myself questions like how did

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<v Speaker 1>I get so far out of shape, I'm just going

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<v Speaker 1>to learn about the problem. But if I can shift

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<v Speaker 1>my thinking towards how will I get into shape? Then

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<v Speaker 1>I learn about the solution. Then I learned about the

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<v Speaker 1>actions that I can control. I can't control what happened

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<v Speaker 1>to get me to the circumstance, but I can absolutely

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<v Speaker 1>control what happens next. So the first thing you have

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<v Speaker 1>to do when you're adopting a new way of thinking

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<v Speaker 1>is to first ask yourself the kind of questions that

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<v Speaker 1>help you identify what you would like your future to

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<v Speaker 1>look like. And it sounds like what are my best

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<v Speaker 1>hopes for my life? This will trigger you to dream

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<v Speaker 1>and imagine and do all of the things that is

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<v Speaker 1>beautiful about life. Adulthood is an anti dream experience. When

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<v Speaker 1>you're a kid, your imagination is powerful and runs wild.

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<v Speaker 1>You go outside, you play with your friends, and you

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<v Speaker 1>pretend to be famous athletes, or you pretend to be

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<v Speaker 1>you know whatever game you're playing. I remember me and

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<v Speaker 1>my friends used to pretend we were in the military.

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<v Speaker 1>We were pretending that we were rambow. We would pretend

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<v Speaker 1>that we were famous baseball players. And in a way,

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<v Speaker 1>you're dreaming of a future where those things are your reality.

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<v Speaker 1>But in adulthood, reality sets in and we stop dreaming.

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<v Speaker 1>But I think it's really important that you continue the

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<v Speaker 1>ability to dream. So I want you to ask yourself,

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<v Speaker 1>what are my best hopes for my life? What is

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<v Speaker 1>the version of me that is in line with me

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<v Speaker 1>functioning at my very best to I firmly believe in

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<v Speaker 1>the power of envisioning and focusing on the life you desire,

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<v Speaker 1>rather than dwelling on past obstacles or setbacks. This question

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<v Speaker 1>is seemingly simple. What do you want? It doesn't need

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<v Speaker 1>to be complicated. It could be as straightforward as securing

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<v Speaker 1>your favorite seat at your neighborhood cafe, or something grander

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<v Speaker 1>like driving the car of your dreams. What do you want?

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<v Speaker 1>Take a moment to truly envision yourself achieving that desire,

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<v Speaker 1>Allow yourself to fully experience the emotions that come with

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<v Speaker 1>having it. Feel the joy, the excitement, and the satisfaction

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<v Speaker 1>of obtaining what you desire.

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<v Speaker 2>U USA.

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<v Speaker 1>These questions help you create the life you want to live.

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<v Speaker 1>These questions help you dream about the life you want

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<v Speaker 1>to live, and they shift your thinking from problem to actions.

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<v Speaker 1>The next kind of question I want to talk to

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<v Speaker 1>you about is being outcome led. Now, a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>us are led by problems and fears, but I want

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<v Speaker 1>you to be led by your outcome. I want you

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<v Speaker 1>to be led by your dreams. I want you to

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<v Speaker 1>make decisions based upon who you want to be and

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<v Speaker 1>the kind of life you want to live. If there's

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<v Speaker 1>one lesson I've learned more than any other in my

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<v Speaker 1>years of practicing as a psychotherapist, it's that the people

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<v Speaker 1>who focus on being led by their outcomes are the

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<v Speaker 1>ones who get the most out of life. Using myself

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<v Speaker 1>as an example, the outcome I want to achieve is

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<v Speaker 1>increase physical fitness, so that will influence the choices I

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<v Speaker 1>make throughout the day, what things I eat, what time

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<v Speaker 1>I eat them, my sleep pattern, my exercise pattern, And

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<v Speaker 1>I'll be honest with you, I don't want to do

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<v Speaker 1>any of it. I would much rather eat whatever I want,

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<v Speaker 1>whenever I want, and not go to the gym And

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<v Speaker 1>do you know large amounts of cardio and lift weights.

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<v Speaker 1>I do it because it's significantly in line with what

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<v Speaker 1>I'm trying to create. This will trigger your discipline, and

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<v Speaker 1>discipline is more important than motivation because motive wanes, right,

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<v Speaker 1>motivation wanes, So on the day when you go see

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<v Speaker 1>your doctor and the doctor tells you there are all

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<v Speaker 1>these signs present that let me know as a doctor

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<v Speaker 1>that you're at risk of having a heart attack or

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<v Speaker 1>a stroke. When you walk out of the doctor's office,

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<v Speaker 1>you're so loaded with fear and angst. You're highly motivated.

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<v Speaker 1>But after a few days that motivation wanes and people

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<v Speaker 1>go right back to their old behavior. This is a

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<v Speaker 1>time and time and time tested thing. But discipline means

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to do the activity even while I'm not motivated.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to do the activity even when I don't

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<v Speaker 1>want to. I'm going to do the activity because the

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<v Speaker 1>activity needs to be done in order for me to

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<v Speaker 1>achieve my aim. I went to the gym last night

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<v Speaker 1>and worked out, not because I wanted to, but because

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<v Speaker 1>I had to in order to stay in line with

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<v Speaker 1>the aim I'm trying to achieve. With the outcome I'm

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<v Speaker 1>trying to achieve When you focus on an outcome, you

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<v Speaker 1>trigger your discipline, and the best way to do it

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<v Speaker 1>is to pay attention to what signs are present that

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<v Speaker 1>lets you know you're living your life based on your outcome.

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<v Speaker 1>How would you notice those signs being present? How would

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<v Speaker 1>your best friend notice? How would your spouse or partner notice?

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<v Speaker 1>How would your children notice? When you live your life

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<v Speaker 1>based on an outcome, people see it. They see you

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<v Speaker 1>living differently, talking differently, eating differently, exercising differently. They see it,

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<v Speaker 1>and those are the kind of questions that will help

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<v Speaker 1>you to do it. So I want to ask you

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<v Speaker 1>to ask yourself, what would I notice as I started

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<v Speaker 1>to live my life based upon the outcomes that I

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<v Speaker 1>want to achieve?

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<v Speaker 3>It is in.

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<v Speaker 2>The inding.

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<v Speaker 1>What sacrifices are needed to create the changes that will

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<v Speaker 1>lead to the life I want. It's important that these

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<v Speaker 1>sacrifices aren't overwhelming or drastic. Think of them as manageable adjustments.

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<v Speaker 1>Consider this, what is the first step? Identify that initial

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<v Speaker 1>achievable step towards your goal. It's about making small, intentional

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<v Speaker 1>changes that build momentum and set you on the path

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<v Speaker 1>to the life you envision. What is your first step? Now,

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<v Speaker 1>I want to ask you about discovering your purpose. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>another really important lesson and that I've learned in my

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<v Speaker 1>years of practicing as a psychotherapist is people who live

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<v Speaker 1>in their purpose also tend to get the most out

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<v Speaker 1>of life. You know, if you live your life without intentionality,

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<v Speaker 1>life kind of happens to you before you know it.

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<v Speaker 1>You went to college and majored in something that your

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<v Speaker 1>parents told you to major in. You got a job

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<v Speaker 1>that you didn't really want just because everybody told you

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<v Speaker 1>it was safe. But you've got to live your life

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<v Speaker 1>based upon what your purpose is. And there's one simple

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<v Speaker 1>question that will help you discover what your purpose is,

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<v Speaker 1>and that is what am I really excited to do today?

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<v Speaker 1>And I don't mean like an action necessarily, but I

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<v Speaker 1>mean that thing that literally sets your spirit on fire

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<v Speaker 1>with enthusiasm. If you want to discover your purpose, you

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<v Speaker 1>have to follow your enthusiasm because your enthusiasm will always

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<v Speaker 1>lead you to what your purpose is. Enthusiasm can't be faked,

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<v Speaker 1>it can't be pretended. Your enthusiasm will always guide you

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<v Speaker 1>to what things you are purposeful about. They will always

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<v Speaker 1>guide you to what things you are built to do.

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<v Speaker 1>They will always guide you to your purpose for life.

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<v Speaker 1>Your enthusiasm matters, So ask yourself what am I duced

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<v Speaker 1>about doing today? I learned early on when I was

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<v Speaker 1>in a really dark, difficult place in my life. I

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<v Speaker 1>was a marine biology major in college, and I realized

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not living a life that's producing joy or happiness,

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<v Speaker 1>and I needed to do something about that. And I

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<v Speaker 1>asked myself, what do I want to to do with

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<v Speaker 1>my life? And I had come from such a difficult place.

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<v Speaker 1>I wanted to spend my life in service. I had

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<v Speaker 1>enthusiasm about trying to help people overcome the kind of

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<v Speaker 1>challenges I'd been faced with. And when I realized that

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<v Speaker 1>was my enthusiasm, I thought about how do I do that.

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<v Speaker 1>I immediately went and switched my major from marine biology

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<v Speaker 1>to psychology, and that put me on the paths of

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<v Speaker 1>becoming a psychotherapist. And I've been enthused every day since. Now.

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<v Speaker 1>It's not to say every single day was easy, because

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<v Speaker 1>that's certainly not the case, but it is to say

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<v Speaker 1>every single day I woke up with my purpose. And

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<v Speaker 1>if there was one gift I could give every single

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<v Speaker 1>person on earth, it would be a gift of their purpose.

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<v Speaker 1>So ask yourself every day, what am I enthused to

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<v Speaker 1>do with my life today? And that will always lead

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<v Speaker 1>you to your purpose. Stood, this is not just a

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<v Speaker 1>podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by.

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<v Speaker 1>I actually want you to be inspired. I want you

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<v Speaker 1>to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't

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<v Speaker 1>help but be impacted by the content we consume. So

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<v Speaker 1>what I would like for you to do is come

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<v Speaker 1>on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey

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<v Speaker 1>of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do

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<v Speaker 1>that is to just pay attention to the things going

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<v Speaker 1>on in your life as a consequence of listening to

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<v Speaker 1>this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting

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<v Speaker 1>in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable

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<v Speaker 1>outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success,

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<v Speaker 1>your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in

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<v Speaker 1>the comments what you're noticing in your life as a

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<v Speaker 1>result of listening to this podcast and as a result

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<v Speaker 1>of paying attention to these things. I would love to

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<v Speaker 1>hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and

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<v Speaker 1>your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with

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<v Speaker 1>me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and You can also

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<v Speaker 1>send me a text message to nine seven two four

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<v Speaker 1>two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a

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<v Speaker 1>production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special

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<v Speaker 1>thanks to our assistant Glendale Sefe. It's produced by Jack

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<v Speaker 1>Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham. For

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<v Speaker 1>more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app

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<v Speaker 1>or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content

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<v Speaker 1>presented on the Family Therapy podcast serve solely for educational

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<v Speaker 1>and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement

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<v Speaker 1>for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not

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<v Speaker 1>constitute a provider aatent relationship. It is advisable to consult

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<v Speaker 1>with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific

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<v Speaker 1>concern or questions you may have

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<v Speaker 3>Y