Speaker 1: Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie.
Speaker 1: During this season, you've heard me ask the same question
Speaker 1: at the top of each and every episode, which is
Speaker 1: what has been better since you listened to the previous episode.
Speaker 1: This is an important question. It's important in my work.
Speaker 1: I ask all of my clients when they come back
Speaker 1: to therapy what has been better since the last time
Speaker 1: we talked? Because it's very important that you shift your
Speaker 1: focus to the things in your life that are improving,
Speaker 1: and all of us have them. No one's life is
Speaker 1: all good nor all bad. So we have to learn
Speaker 1: to attend to the good parts of life, the parts
Speaker 1: of life that we experience as more pleasing and desirable
Speaker 1: than others, and focus on them. And that's what this
Speaker 1: question is designed to do. But today is a very
Speaker 1: special episode because I will be guiding you through a
Speaker 1: series of questions. So if you could please grab a
Speaker 1: pen and paper so you can write down your thoughts,
Speaker 1: or just find a quiet area where you'll be able
Speaker 1: to listen uninterrupted. Most of us, by default, we have
Speaker 1: a tendency to ask ourselves questions that aren't necessarily useful
Speaker 1: when troubling things happen. For example, if you have something
Speaker 1: bad happen, like getting fired from your job, we ask
Speaker 1: ourselves why did this happen? If you have a breakup
Speaker 1: in a relationship, we ask ourselves, why does this always
Speaker 1: happen to me? What is wrong with me? How can
Speaker 1: I keep finding myself in this situation? Those kinds of
Speaker 1: questions don't lead us to productive responses. A productive response
Speaker 1: is a kind of response that leads towards action, increased hope,
Speaker 1: and things you can control. I was watching a video
Speaker 1: recently of a former Navy seal. He's now an author
Speaker 1: and social media influencer by the name of David Goggins,
Speaker 1: and somebody asked him when he is thinking about quitting,
Speaker 1: what does he do? He's an ultra marathon or so
Speaker 1: he puts his body through remarkable physical tasks. And they
Speaker 1: asked him, when you're thinking about quitning, what do you do?
Speaker 1: And he shared, you know, when I'm on a hundred
Speaker 1: mile run, there are times I think about quitting or stopping.
Speaker 1: And he said, I asked myself what if? And I
Speaker 1: was so intrigued by that response because a lot of
Speaker 1: people ask themselves what if in a negative way, But
Speaker 1: David Goggins asks himself, what if, in a positive way,
Speaker 1: what if I don't quit? What if I crossed the
Speaker 1: finish line? What if I finished this race? And he said,
Speaker 1: the answer to that question causes him to take one
Speaker 1: more step and keep going, and keep going and keep going.
Speaker 1: That's an example of how you can train your brain
Speaker 1: to ask useful questions when you're facing a hard circumstance.
Speaker 1: The beautiful thing about this is all of us can
Speaker 1: do this, and when we do this, it will drastically
Speaker 1: increase what you're able to get out of life. And
Speaker 1: that really is what my work is all about. The
Speaker 1: first kind of question I want to ask you is
Speaker 1: really all about you learning to adopt a new way
Speaker 1: of thinking. Before I share the kind of questions that
Speaker 1: you need to be asking yourself, I first want to
Speaker 1: point out why this is important. As I said a
Speaker 1: minute ago, we have a tendency to ask ourselves questions
Speaker 1: that aren't useful. Those kind of questions are investigative of
Speaker 1: the problem, but we don't realize that when you investigate
Speaker 1: the problem, all you learned about is the problem and
Speaker 1: we become experts on the problem, but that does nothing
Speaker 1: for your solution. For example, I'll use a personal example,
Speaker 1: I am currently on a fitness journey. I want to
Speaker 1: take my health more seriously. I want to get my
Speaker 1: weight under control. I want to get some health markers addressed. Now,
Speaker 1: if I were to ask myself questions like how did
Speaker 1: I get so far out of shape, I'm just going
Speaker 1: to learn about the problem. But if I can shift
Speaker 1: my thinking towards how will I get into shape? Then
Speaker 1: I learn about the solution. Then I learned about the
Speaker 1: actions that I can control. I can't control what happened
Speaker 1: to get me to the circumstance, but I can absolutely
Speaker 1: control what happens next. So the first thing you have
Speaker 1: to do when you're adopting a new way of thinking
Speaker 1: is to first ask yourself the kind of questions that
Speaker 1: help you identify what you would like your future to
Speaker 1: look like. And it sounds like what are my best
Speaker 1: hopes for my life? This will trigger you to dream
Speaker 1: and imagine and do all of the things that is
Speaker 1: beautiful about life. Adulthood is an anti dream experience. When
Speaker 1: you're a kid, your imagination is powerful and runs wild.
Speaker 1: You go outside, you play with your friends, and you
Speaker 1: pretend to be famous athletes, or you pretend to be
Speaker 1: you know whatever game you're playing. I remember me and
Speaker 1: my friends used to pretend we were in the military.
Speaker 1: We were pretending that we were rambow. We would pretend
Speaker 1: that we were famous baseball players. And in a way,
Speaker 1: you're dreaming of a future where those things are your reality.
Speaker 1: But in adulthood, reality sets in and we stop dreaming.
Speaker 1: But I think it's really important that you continue the
Speaker 1: ability to dream. So I want you to ask yourself,
Speaker 1: what are my best hopes for my life? What is
Speaker 1: the version of me that is in line with me
Speaker 1: functioning at my very best to I firmly believe in
Speaker 1: the power of envisioning and focusing on the life you desire,
Speaker 1: rather than dwelling on past obstacles or setbacks. This question
Speaker 1: is seemingly simple. What do you want? It doesn't need
Speaker 1: to be complicated. It could be as straightforward as securing
Speaker 1: your favorite seat at your neighborhood cafe, or something grander
Speaker 1: like driving the car of your dreams. What do you want?
Speaker 1: Take a moment to truly envision yourself achieving that desire,
Speaker 1: Allow yourself to fully experience the emotions that come with
Speaker 1: having it. Feel the joy, the excitement, and the satisfaction
Speaker 1: of obtaining what you desire.
Speaker 2: U USA.
Speaker 1: These questions help you create the life you want to live.
Speaker 1: These questions help you dream about the life you want
Speaker 1: to live, and they shift your thinking from problem to actions.
Speaker 1: The next kind of question I want to talk to
Speaker 1: you about is being outcome led. Now, a lot of
Speaker 1: us are led by problems and fears, but I want
Speaker 1: you to be led by your outcome. I want you
Speaker 1: to be led by your dreams. I want you to
Speaker 1: make decisions based upon who you want to be and
Speaker 1: the kind of life you want to live. If there's
Speaker 1: one lesson I've learned more than any other in my
Speaker 1: years of practicing as a psychotherapist, it's that the people
Speaker 1: who focus on being led by their outcomes are the
Speaker 1: ones who get the most out of life. Using myself
Speaker 1: as an example, the outcome I want to achieve is
Speaker 1: increase physical fitness, so that will influence the choices I
Speaker 1: make throughout the day, what things I eat, what time
Speaker 1: I eat them, my sleep pattern, my exercise pattern, And
Speaker 1: I'll be honest with you, I don't want to do
Speaker 1: any of it. I would much rather eat whatever I want,
Speaker 1: whenever I want, and not go to the gym And
Speaker 1: do you know large amounts of cardio and lift weights.
Speaker 1: I do it because it's significantly in line with what
Speaker 1: I'm trying to create. This will trigger your discipline, and
Speaker 1: discipline is more important than motivation because motive wanes, right,
Speaker 1: motivation wanes, So on the day when you go see
Speaker 1: your doctor and the doctor tells you there are all
Speaker 1: these signs present that let me know as a doctor
Speaker 1: that you're at risk of having a heart attack or
Speaker 1: a stroke. When you walk out of the doctor's office,
Speaker 1: you're so loaded with fear and angst. You're highly motivated.
Speaker 1: But after a few days that motivation wanes and people
Speaker 1: go right back to their old behavior. This is a
Speaker 1: time and time and time tested thing. But discipline means
Speaker 1: I'm going to do the activity even while I'm not motivated.
Speaker 1: I'm going to do the activity even when I don't
Speaker 1: want to. I'm going to do the activity because the
Speaker 1: activity needs to be done in order for me to
Speaker 1: achieve my aim. I went to the gym last night
Speaker 1: and worked out, not because I wanted to, but because
Speaker 1: I had to in order to stay in line with
Speaker 1: the aim I'm trying to achieve. With the outcome I'm
Speaker 1: trying to achieve When you focus on an outcome, you
Speaker 1: trigger your discipline, and the best way to do it
Speaker 1: is to pay attention to what signs are present that
Speaker 1: lets you know you're living your life based on your outcome.
Speaker 1: How would you notice those signs being present? How would
Speaker 1: your best friend notice? How would your spouse or partner notice?
Speaker 1: How would your children notice? When you live your life
Speaker 1: based on an outcome, people see it. They see you
Speaker 1: living differently, talking differently, eating differently, exercising differently. They see it,
Speaker 1: and those are the kind of questions that will help
Speaker 1: you to do it. So I want to ask you
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, what would I notice as I started
Speaker 1: to live my life based upon the outcomes that I
Speaker 1: want to achieve?
Speaker 3: It is in.
Speaker 2: The inding.
Speaker 1: What sacrifices are needed to create the changes that will
Speaker 1: lead to the life I want. It's important that these
Speaker 1: sacrifices aren't overwhelming or drastic. Think of them as manageable adjustments.
Speaker 1: Consider this, what is the first step? Identify that initial
Speaker 1: achievable step towards your goal. It's about making small, intentional
Speaker 1: changes that build momentum and set you on the path
Speaker 1: to the life you envision. What is your first step? Now,
Speaker 1: I want to ask you about discovering your purpose. You know,
Speaker 1: another really important lesson and that I've learned in my
Speaker 1: years of practicing as a psychotherapist is people who live
Speaker 1: in their purpose also tend to get the most out
Speaker 1: of life. You know, if you live your life without intentionality,
Speaker 1: life kind of happens to you before you know it.
Speaker 1: You went to college and majored in something that your
Speaker 1: parents told you to major in. You got a job
Speaker 1: that you didn't really want just because everybody told you
Speaker 1: it was safe. But you've got to live your life
Speaker 1: based upon what your purpose is. And there's one simple
Speaker 1: question that will help you discover what your purpose is,
Speaker 1: and that is what am I really excited to do today?
Speaker 1: And I don't mean like an action necessarily, but I
Speaker 1: mean that thing that literally sets your spirit on fire
Speaker 1: with enthusiasm. If you want to discover your purpose, you
Speaker 1: have to follow your enthusiasm because your enthusiasm will always
Speaker 1: lead you to what your purpose is. Enthusiasm can't be faked,
Speaker 1: it can't be pretended. Your enthusiasm will always guide you
Speaker 1: to what things you are purposeful about. They will always
Speaker 1: guide you to what things you are built to do.
Speaker 1: They will always guide you to your purpose for life.
Speaker 1: Your enthusiasm matters, So ask yourself what am I duced
Speaker 1: about doing today? I learned early on when I was
Speaker 1: in a really dark, difficult place in my life. I
Speaker 1: was a marine biology major in college, and I realized
Speaker 1: I'm not living a life that's producing joy or happiness,
Speaker 1: and I needed to do something about that. And I
Speaker 1: asked myself, what do I want to to do with
Speaker 1: my life? And I had come from such a difficult place.
Speaker 1: I wanted to spend my life in service. I had
Speaker 1: enthusiasm about trying to help people overcome the kind of
Speaker 1: challenges I'd been faced with. And when I realized that
Speaker 1: was my enthusiasm, I thought about how do I do that.
Speaker 1: I immediately went and switched my major from marine biology
Speaker 1: to psychology, and that put me on the paths of
Speaker 1: becoming a psychotherapist. And I've been enthused every day since. Now.
Speaker 1: It's not to say every single day was easy, because
Speaker 1: that's certainly not the case, but it is to say
Speaker 1: every single day I woke up with my purpose. And
Speaker 1: if there was one gift I could give every single
Speaker 1: person on earth, it would be a gift of their purpose.
Speaker 1: So ask yourself every day, what am I enthused to
Speaker 1: do with my life today? And that will always lead
Speaker 1: you to your purpose. Stood, this is not just a
Speaker 1: podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by.
Speaker 1: I actually want you to be inspired. I want you
Speaker 1: to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't
Speaker 1: help but be impacted by the content we consume. So
Speaker 1: what I would like for you to do is come
Speaker 1: on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey
Speaker 1: of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do
Speaker 1: that is to just pay attention to the things going
Speaker 1: on in your life as a consequence of listening to
Speaker 1: this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting
Speaker 1: in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable
Speaker 1: outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success,
Speaker 1: your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in
Speaker 1: the comments what you're noticing in your life as a
Speaker 1: result of listening to this podcast and as a result
Speaker 1: of paying attention to these things. I would love to
Speaker 1: hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
Speaker 1: your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
Speaker 1: me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and You can also
Speaker 1: send me a text message to nine seven two four
Speaker 1: two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
Speaker 1: production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special
Speaker 1: thanks to our assistant Glendale Sefe. It's produced by Jack
Speaker 1: Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham. For
Speaker 1: more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content
Speaker 1: presented on the Family Therapy podcast serve solely for educational
Speaker 1: and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement
Speaker 1: for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not
Speaker 1: constitute a provider aatent relationship. It is advisable to consult
Speaker 1: with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific
Speaker 1: concern or questions you may have
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