1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:12,640 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. I'm 2 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: Danny Shapiro and this is a bonus episode of Family Secrets. 3 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:21,280 Speaker 1: In the last bonus episode, you heard from Jennifer Mendelssohn 4 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:25,239 Speaker 1: about what it means to explore d NA and genetic roots. Today, 5 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,840 Speaker 1: I am so excited to share with you a special 6 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:33,640 Speaker 1: excerpt from my audio book of Inheritance. Recording this audio 7 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: book was an intense experience three days in a sound 8 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,840 Speaker 1: proof booth narrating the story of my life, a story 9 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 1: I had never known until I stumbled upon it as 10 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,199 Speaker 1: a result of a DNA test. Get ready for the 11 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:50,520 Speaker 1: exact moment that I discover the truth of my own 12 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 1: genetic identity, the truth my parents had never wanted me 13 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 1: to know, the truth they took to the grave with them. 14 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: This excerpt is Curtis See of Penguin Random House Audio 15 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:16,280 Speaker 1: from the audiobook of my memoir Inheritance. Michael came over 16 00:01:16,319 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 1: to the bed and sat next to me. It had 17 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 1: been thirty six hours since we had sat side by 18 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:23,520 Speaker 1: side on the chaise in my office, since I had 19 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:28,759 Speaker 1: discovered that my father hadn't been my father, Doctor Benjamin Walden. 20 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:33,240 Speaker 1: I entered his name my fingers cold and shaking. Benjamin 21 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: Walden ben Walden, Doctor ben Walden. There was no part 22 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 1: of me that believed this was happening, even as it 23 00:01:41,319 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: unfolded with a sense of inevitability so profound that I 24 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:47,200 Speaker 1: will later come to think of it as a kind 25 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:52,600 Speaker 1: of fate. On the page for a medical website. Doctor 26 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 1: ben Walden is a thoracic surgeon who retired from active 27 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:59,960 Speaker 1: practice in two thousand three. He is a well respected 28 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,680 Speaker 1: speaker on the subject of medical ethics. He is a 29 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:07,760 Speaker 1: graduate of the Medical School at the University of Pennsylvania. 30 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 1: In the months to come, indeed, I suspect for the 31 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:16,200 Speaker 1: rest of my life, I will hear stories. Friends will 32 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,839 Speaker 1: send me links to news items. Experts will share their experience. 33 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,680 Speaker 1: I'll be told of people who have searched for their 34 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:27,919 Speaker 1: sperm donors, their biological fathers, all their lives. When these 35 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: searches have been unsuccessful, some have had their anonymous donors 36 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 1: identification numbers tattooed on their bodies, a way of marking 37 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:40,960 Speaker 1: themselves with their only clue. I've seen photos of arms, ankles, 38 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:45,560 Speaker 1: shoulders inked with stark series of numbers, and with each 39 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,919 Speaker 1: story of a dead end a locked door. I am 40 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:54,760 Speaker 1: stunned anew A favorite poem Otherwise by Jane Kenyon, begins 41 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 1: like this, I got out of bed on two strong legs. 42 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:05,040 Speaker 1: It might have been otherwise. I ate cereal, sweet milk, ripe, 43 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:10,600 Speaker 1: flawless peach. It might have been otherwise. The poet goes 44 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,880 Speaker 1: on to regard ways in which the bounty of her 45 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:17,400 Speaker 1: daily life contained within it the shadow of a darker possibility. 46 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:22,600 Speaker 1: My daughter was conceived in Philadelphia, my mother had said 47 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 1: that long ago evening, not a pretty story. When pressed 48 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:32,360 Speaker 1: the word institute, her language was precise. The thing she 49 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 1: never planned to say that slipped out on the second 50 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,560 Speaker 1: anniversary of my father's death, and only because I introduced 51 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 1: her to my friend from Philadelphia was an enormous piece 52 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,960 Speaker 1: of luck. What if that friend had been from Detroit. 53 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 1: What if I hadn't brought my mother to the graduate 54 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 1: student reading that night. A seam ripped open in my 55 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 1: mother that night that allowed me access to a vital clue, 56 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,640 Speaker 1: though I didn't know it at the time. A moment, 57 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 1: a split second, and then it closed up again. If 58 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 1: she hadn't said those exact words, but if everything else 59 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: had remained the same when I got the results from 60 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 1: ancestry nearly thirty years later, I would have discovered that 61 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,120 Speaker 1: my father wasn't my biological father, but known nothing more, 62 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,479 Speaker 1: I would have come to the conclusion that my mother 63 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 1: must have had an affair. I would have supplied yet 64 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:28,080 Speaker 1: another false narrative to the story of my life. What 65 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:31,160 Speaker 1: if Adam Thomas hadn't shown up on my ancestry page? 66 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 1: What then all would have been a yawning, cavernous emptiness, 67 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: devoid of possibility, like the baby bird that fell from 68 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:43,680 Speaker 1: its nest. I might have wandered through the world, never 69 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 1: knowing where I came from. I would have been left 70 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 1: with a hole inside me in the shape of a father, 71 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,520 Speaker 1: or rather two fathers, the father who raised me, who 72 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 1: died too young, too sad, too lost, and the anonymous 73 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,280 Speaker 1: man I came from but would never be able to identify. Five. 74 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:04,320 Speaker 1: Instead of a false narrative, there would be an infinity 75 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:09,479 Speaker 1: of narratives. Michael kicked off his sneakers and sat in 76 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: bed next to me. My laptop was balanced between us 77 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,279 Speaker 1: as we waited for a YouTube ad to finish. Doctor 78 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:20,960 Speaker 1: Benjamin Walden five syllables seven. If you included the prefix 79 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 1: A nice molifluous name. He had a website. It took 80 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:29,040 Speaker 1: three clicks to get there. It was a simple site, 81 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,480 Speaker 1: a repository of blog posts and essays he had written 82 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 1: about medical ethics, along with links to a couple of videos. 83 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,159 Speaker 1: The screen went black, and then his name, in white 84 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:47,040 Speaker 1: sam seraph type appeared. Dr ben Walden speaking at Reed College, Portland, Oregon. 85 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,159 Speaker 1: An old man with white hair and blue eyes was 86 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: standing at a lectern. My God, I whispered. Time slowed 87 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: to a near stand still. I could compute what I 88 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:06,320 Speaker 1: was seeing, or rather who I was seeing. The man 89 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,880 Speaker 1: was wearing khakis, a blue button down shirt, and a 90 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:13,440 Speaker 1: fleece vest. He had a pale complexion, but his cheeks 91 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:18,719 Speaker 1: were pink. His color high, my exact coloring somewhere in 92 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:22,360 Speaker 1: the background the comments I had fielded just about every 93 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 1: day for fifty four years. Are you sure you're Jewish? 94 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,560 Speaker 1: There's no way you're Jewish? Did your mother have an 95 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:33,200 Speaker 1: affair with the Swedish milkman? I saw my jaw, my nose, 96 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:37,040 Speaker 1: my forehead, and eyes. I heard something familiar in the 97 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:41,760 Speaker 1: timbre of his voice. It wasn't merely a resemblance. It 98 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:46,200 Speaker 1: was a quality. The way he held himself his pattern 99 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 1: of speech. He was recommending a book to the audience 100 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:54,040 Speaker 1: at toll Gowande's Being Mortal. He referenced an article in 101 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 1: the Onion. I had the bizarre thought that he had 102 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:01,119 Speaker 1: good literary taste. I ran my hands down the length 103 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:05,680 Speaker 1: of my legs. Who was I? What was I? I 104 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,240 Speaker 1: felt as if I might disintegrate right there in that 105 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 1: hotel room, floating high above the city. This wasn't what 106 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: I wanted to see, But now that I had seen it, 107 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 1: I would never be able to unsee it. Dr ben Walden, 108 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,960 Speaker 1: his name, continued to appear beneath the lectern, the glint 109 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:30,520 Speaker 1: of eyeglasses a wedding ring. Michael raised the volume. The 110 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:34,120 Speaker 1: man's voice moved through me and around me, like something 111 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:38,960 Speaker 1: invisible stitched into the air. In just a moment, I'll 112 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: open it up to questions, Jesus, Michael was saying, Jesus Christ. 113 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 1: Now ben Walden was gesticulating. He held both his hands 114 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:53,640 Speaker 1: in front of him, as if bracketing the air in parentheses, 115 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:59,160 Speaker 1: a gesture that I suddenly recognized as my own. I knew, 116 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:03,120 Speaker 1: in a place beyond thought, that I was seeing the truth, 117 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 1: the answer to the unanswerable questions I had been exploring 118 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,880 Speaker 1: all my life. The audience in Portland was now raising 119 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,880 Speaker 1: their hands. He called on someone in the back row, 120 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:20,520 Speaker 1: then nodded, smiling slightly as he listened. Do you see that, 121 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:24,560 Speaker 1: I asked Michael, the way he's he even runs a 122 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 1: Q and A like you. Michael said, the following summer, 123 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:34,200 Speaker 1: there will be a total eclipse of the sun, and Michael, 124 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:37,040 Speaker 1: Jacob and I will take turns looking at it through 125 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: NASA approved glasses. But I will not trust the NASA 126 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,840 Speaker 1: approved glasses. I will still look at the eclipse for 127 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 1: only a fraction of a second at a time. This 128 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,600 Speaker 1: is the way I watched the YouTube video on that 129 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:56,280 Speaker 1: June morning, A glimpse, then away, another glimpse, as if 130 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: the old man in the blue button down shirt and 131 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 1: Patagonia vest who he was and what that meant might 132 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 1: blind me forever. I slipped out of bed and walked 133 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,960 Speaker 1: barefoot into the bathroom. My mind and body seemed to 134 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 1: be disconnected. My body wasn't the body I had believed 135 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 1: it to be for fifty four years. My face wasn't 136 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:24,200 Speaker 1: my face. That's what it felt like. If my body 137 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,800 Speaker 1: wasn't my body, and my face wasn't my face? Who 138 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:31,600 Speaker 1: was I? In several weeks, once I'm back East, I'll 139 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 1: meet my best friend from college for dinner, and when 140 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,600 Speaker 1: I walk into her apartment, I'll realize I'm afraid that 141 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 1: her feelings for me will have somehow changed, that I 142 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: am now unknowable to her. I'll stand in her living room, 143 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:48,439 Speaker 1: tears streaming down my face, and ask, do you still 144 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,559 Speaker 1: see me as the same person? And she will look 145 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:58,280 Speaker 1: at me, amused, compassionate. You are the same person, She'll say. 146 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:02,560 Speaker 1: But on that morning in Japantown, I encountered my own 147 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,760 Speaker 1: face in the mirror and understood for the first time 148 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 1: that the information reflected back at me had always told 149 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 1: a different story than the one I had believed, no 150 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: more than believed known. I didn't feel like the same person. 151 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,080 Speaker 1: The white haired, blue eyed doctor from Portland's was now 152 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,640 Speaker 1: staring back at me. He had always been staring back 153 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 1: at me, and it wasn't only a physical thing certain 154 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:33,680 Speaker 1: common features. Watching him on YouTube, I felt, with my 155 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:41,079 Speaker 1: entire being something I could barely understand come from him. 156 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: I wrapped myself in a robe and sat at the 157 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:46,680 Speaker 1: small desk where Michael had made the discovery about Bethany 158 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:51,199 Speaker 1: and Adam Thomas. Less than an hour earlier, I closed 159 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,199 Speaker 1: the tab for the YouTube video and opened my email 160 00:10:55,760 --> 00:11:02,439 Speaker 1: two Dr Benjamin Walden from Danny Shapiro, subject important letter. 161 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 1: It had been easy, just as everything else had been 162 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:10,800 Speaker 1: insanely easy, to find his contact information. He had a blog, 163 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:14,320 Speaker 1: He was out there in the world, a well respected physician, 164 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 1: a public speaker. He was a man who would probably 165 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 1: have no reason to think his inbox would contain any 166 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 1: huge surprises. How old was too old for a surprise. 167 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 1: He was seventy eight. Dear doctor Walden, I'm writing to 168 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:34,040 Speaker 1: you about something that may come as a shock. My 169 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,319 Speaker 1: name is Danny Shapiro, and I am a fifty four 170 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,880 Speaker 1: year old novelist, memoirist, wife, and mother of a seventeen 171 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:44,320 Speaker 1: year old son. I live in Litchfield County, Connecticut. I 172 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:47,080 Speaker 1: recently took a DNA test as nothing more than a lark. 173 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,800 Speaker 1: I have always believed my parents to be my biological parents, 174 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,679 Speaker 1: but now I have reason to believe that you may 175 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:59,240 Speaker 1: be my biological father. I won't write more and less. Ah, 176 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 1: this may sense to you, and be you're willing to 177 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,120 Speaker 1: communicate with me about it. I so hope you're willing. 178 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,599 Speaker 1: I'm going to send you a link to my website 179 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,559 Speaker 1: so you can see something of who I am. Www 180 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:21,280 Speaker 1: dot Danny Shapiro dot com. Thank you. Danny. Michael was 181 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,800 Speaker 1: in the shower. I waited, my finger hovering for a 182 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 1: moment before I hit senned. Before she got off the phone, 183 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:31,400 Speaker 1: Jennifer Mendelssohn had asked me what I was going to 184 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,520 Speaker 1: do now that I had zeroed in on my biological father. 185 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:39,679 Speaker 1: She urged me to be methodical to do research. Apparently 186 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,960 Speaker 1: there was a right way and a wrong way to 187 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 1: go about this. There were, she told me, templates. But 188 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:51,599 Speaker 1: I wasn't feeling careful or methodical. In fact, quite the opposite. 189 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:56,000 Speaker 1: I was feeling wild and reckless. I needed not to 190 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,360 Speaker 1: sit back and cogitate, but to take any and every 191 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,720 Speaker 1: kind of action. As long as I was in motion, 192 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,320 Speaker 1: my fingers against the keyboard, the pen across the page, 193 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:10,880 Speaker 1: dressing for the day, swiping lipstick across my now unfamiliar lips, 194 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,480 Speaker 1: strapping on my sandals, I was able to hold onto 195 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:18,240 Speaker 1: the belief that I was propelling myself forward rather than 196 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:30,880 Speaker 1: falling backward into the abyss. My publisher has a special 197 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:35,200 Speaker 1: offer for Family Secrets listeners off my book and a 198 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,080 Speaker 1: selection of other great reads when you shop from Penguin 199 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:43,199 Speaker 1: Random House. Just visit www dot Penguin Random House slash 200 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:48,439 Speaker 1: Inheritance and use the code p r H Family Secrets. 201 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:53,240 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is an I Heeart media production. Dylan Fagin 202 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:57,280 Speaker 1: is the supervising producer and Julie Douglas is the executive producer. 203 00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,920 Speaker 1: If you have a family secret you'd like to share, 204 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,560 Speaker 1: you can get in touch with us at listener mail 205 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,120 Speaker 1: at Family Secrets podcast dot com, and you can also 206 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: find us on Instagram at Danny Writer, and Facebook at 207 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 1: Family Secrets Pod and Twitter at fam Secrets Pod. That's 208 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:18,439 Speaker 1: fam Secrets Pod. For more about my book, Inheritance, visit 209 00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 1: Danny Shapiro dot com.