Speaker 1: This is How Men Think with brooks Like and Gavin
Speaker 1: to Grow and I heard radio podcast. Welcome to How
Speaker 1: Men Think. My name is brooks Like and we have
Speaker 1: another exciting episode for you guys listening. We appreciate you
Speaker 1: guys tuning in smiling again over here, my man man,
Speaker 1: Mr Gavin de Grow. What's up Brooks buddy? How are
Speaker 1: you doing? I'm amazing, dude, I'm excited to ruin my
Speaker 1: reputation on another episode of this show. You can't yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: we you might be able to have, dude. We have
Speaker 1: good editors. Eastern is an amazing editor. Were lying on here.
Speaker 1: We have you backed up, buddy, But I'm glad you.
Speaker 1: How can you never ask me how I'm doing? I
Speaker 1: say what's up? You say what's up? I said, what's up?
Speaker 1: We do? Okay? How are you doing well? Gavin? Should
Speaker 1: you ask? If you ask me how I'm doing, I'm
Speaker 1: a say feeling Just come on? I would and say,
Speaker 1: I still know? Brother? How do you finish it for me?
Speaker 1: I exercise at your house? That was Gavin's hit if
Speaker 1: you guys, you guys didn't recognize it. I didn't singing
Speaker 1: it like him. I know the song. I didn't recognize
Speaker 1: your version, but I know the song. Come on, I
Speaker 1: wasn't gonna join in. It was beautiful. I practice that
Speaker 1: thing about thousand dollars. Now, where's my check books? It's
Speaker 1: always the money with you, Gavi. It's always the money
Speaker 1: with you, buddy. I need a grotto. Well, I love
Speaker 1: the song, buddy, that was I tried my best. I
Speaker 1: even took a singing lesson. Yeah, I did. I went
Speaker 1: to exercise class once upon a time. I appreciate that, buddy,
Speaker 1: same same team. We got the other dudes in house
Speaker 1: to Ryan, what's up, brother, good to be here, into
Speaker 1: the mic. There we good to be here. Thank you, buddy.
Speaker 1: How's life with you? Life is good? Looking forward to
Speaker 1: our guest today. Yeah, we'll get to that in a moment.
Speaker 1: We got Dmitri, what's out, dude? How much you were
Speaker 1: perplexed by Ryan's It's just weird? Just I was. I
Speaker 1: thought I was trying to talking, and he just leaned
Speaker 1: back in. He's like, looking forward to our guests today,
Speaker 1: and it just seemed a little weird to me. Okay,
Speaker 1: I was taken aback, Rick, what's up, buddy? Not being
Speaker 1: creepy is kind of cool sometimes just in the corner,
Speaker 1: just looking at everybody else down. Uh. Well, last episode, gents,
Speaker 1: we had a dynamite episode. My wife Julianne Huff was
Speaker 1: on and the response from the listeners, from you guys
Speaker 1: listening has been absolutely insane. Has been our best episode yet,
Speaker 1: absolutely incredible. Our inboxes filled up man at I heeart
Speaker 1: radio dot com. You sent so many questions and comments
Speaker 1: about intimacy and that show, so we wanted to follow
Speaker 1: that show up with this show and with another special guest,
Speaker 1: an intimacy expert, Lela de Ville is here for us. Lela,
Speaker 1: thanks for having me, guys, thank you for coming. So
Speaker 1: we like it, says your intimacy expert. And I'll be
Speaker 1: the first one to ask, what is an intimacy experts? Well,
Speaker 1: I call myself sex an intimacy coach. So basically, I
Speaker 1: basically um equip people with the tools to discover their
Speaker 1: authentic expression and sex and how to deeply connect with
Speaker 1: their partner. Wow. So I worked to really unravel and
Speaker 1: unkink any kind of barriers that people are having to
Speaker 1: towards intimacy and give them practices and tools to bring
Speaker 1: into their partnership to deepen their experience of sex and
Speaker 1: deepen yeah connection. So do you work a How long
Speaker 1: have you been in the field? It's I always get asked, so,
Speaker 1: how did you get into this into this field? And
Speaker 1: basically it it came from I wasn't like some sexual
Speaker 1: goddess that was just inherently tapped into all the virtues
Speaker 1: of UM sexual connection. Basically I got into this field
Speaker 1: and I was seventeen. Yeah A, sorry, So it was
Speaker 1: just an area that I really needed to work on
Speaker 1: for myself. And it was about a decade in that
Speaker 1: I realized that this wasn't it wasn't a personal failure
Speaker 1: of mine, but more of a gaping hole in society
Speaker 1: that wasn't being filled by anything meaningful UM. And so
Speaker 1: I started researching more UM, studying more, and then started
Speaker 1: to offer this as a service to UM to men
Speaker 1: and women. So do you work with do you work with? Couples?
Speaker 1: Do you work with like if the the guy is
Speaker 1: having problem creating intimacy or having questions like how how
Speaker 1: was the process for our people listening? How was the process?
Speaker 1: Who contacts you? Uh? Is it couples seeking to work together?
Speaker 1: Individuals seeking to learn more about their partner? No, Usually
Speaker 1: it's the women reaching out to me, and so I
Speaker 1: am primarily these days work with women UM and I
Speaker 1: choose to work with one on one before I work
Speaker 1: with a couple UM because I feel like there's a
Speaker 1: lot of like inner work and a lot of like
Speaker 1: wounds and barriers to intimacy and connection UM for the individual,
Speaker 1: and so I worked to to kind of unravel those
Speaker 1: first before working with a couple, and I usually have
Speaker 1: worked with the woman first. Goes back to what we
Speaker 1: were talking about last year about offering the best version
Speaker 1: of yourself to your partner and if you yourself are
Speaker 1: fulfilled and happy and joyous that you can then offer
Speaker 1: something to your partner versus seeking something from your partner
Speaker 1: to fill you up. I'll let you guys jump in
Speaker 1: with us. Guys, any questions for Leela? I kind a
Speaker 1: question do you do you find the majority of your
Speaker 1: your patients, your female clients patients UM clients clients UM
Speaker 1: are are are people who had some sort of abuse
Speaker 1: issue or these this this has nothing to do fundamentally
Speaker 1: for the most part, it's not necessarily abuse based personality
Speaker 1: types that you and it No, it's not personality types
Speaker 1: or people who have experienced anything in particular, it's really
Speaker 1: women who are wanting to experience more than they're currently experiencing.
Speaker 1: There's nothing necessarily wrong even and what their experience. They
Speaker 1: just want more, you know, they're craving more. They're hungry
Speaker 1: for more in which way, a physical way, in an
Speaker 1: emotional way. Well it's a lighted thing, right. We usually think, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: they want more sex, more, more intimacy, they want more connection,
Speaker 1: they want to feel more than what they're what they're
Speaker 1: able to do on their own. So do they come
Speaker 1: in typically like thinking that it may be the partner's
Speaker 1: fault at the beginning and saying like, oh, she's not
Speaker 1: into me or or he's not into me or whatever
Speaker 1: that may be. Yea, sometimes I mean, I mean we're
Speaker 1: quick to externalized generally in life. So you know, sometimes yeah,
Speaker 1: there is all my partners doing this and I'm not
Speaker 1: attracted her anymore and I don't want it and there's
Speaker 1: something wrong with him. But you know, and men do
Speaker 1: the same thing. She's not wanting to you know, we
Speaker 1: do this and so um, I always guide people back
Speaker 1: to themselves and work on that level first. And because
Speaker 1: we're always evoking or as evoking from our partners. Um,
Speaker 1: we're evoking either closeness or distance where you know, this
Speaker 1: is this is how we relate. And what would be
Speaker 1: kind of the first step that you would you would
Speaker 1: kind of as you see a client, like you would
Speaker 1: take with that person. Obviously depending on what their cases
Speaker 1: or what they're they're looking for help with, you know,
Speaker 1: what would they what would you advise them? Um, it's
Speaker 1: the first thing I generally do with anybody I'm working with,
Speaker 1: men or women is to unravel the preconceptions and mindsets
Speaker 1: they have around sexuality that are really preventing them from
Speaker 1: experiencing what they want to experience. So, you know, we
Speaker 1: have all these ideas around sex and four play and
Speaker 1: penetration that you know, like that sex is everything other
Speaker 1: than penetration is for play, and it kind of makes
Speaker 1: penetration the main event of an experience, and a lot
Speaker 1: of women are wanting something else other than that. They
Speaker 1: want that, but they want all the stuff beforehand. And
Speaker 1: so if we're if we're just going directly to like
Speaker 1: four play penetration in the end, it's it makes it
Speaker 1: a very narrow experience, and women are wanting to be
Speaker 1: moved in a different way other than just having the
Speaker 1: default thing play out in front of them. It almost
Speaker 1: seems like a transactional versus a connection, and orgasm has
Speaker 1: become like this trophy that we're just basically passing backwards
Speaker 1: and forwards between each other, reminding us that we're great lovers,
Speaker 1: you know. And I think there's just so more than
Speaker 1: then these kind of mindsets that we've constructed around sex
Speaker 1: and how it should play out. Um, and so I
Speaker 1: work to kind of re kind of broaden the definitions
Speaker 1: of some of these terms and and to help women
Speaker 1: kind of try to articulate what it is they're actually seeking.
Speaker 1: You know, it's not you know, I'm a I'm a
Speaker 1: sex and intimacy coach, but probably ten pc of what
Speaker 1: I do is technique based or the mechanics of sex. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because it's really guiding someone into their instinct and how
Speaker 1: can they connect with themselves so they then can connect
Speaker 1: with their partner. And this is a big one for
Speaker 1: the guys out there listening, because, um, you know, if
Speaker 1: you're not attuned to yourself, then you can't attune to
Speaker 1: another person. If you can't feel what is going on
Speaker 1: in your body, and you're just like going into the default,
Speaker 1: and it's become performative and um, not even performative, but
Speaker 1: you're just like you there's just a routine to it
Speaker 1: where the touch is non santaneous. Then then you're not
Speaker 1: connecting with the person who's with you. You're not able
Speaker 1: to respond to her or him because you're just playing
Speaker 1: out this. Yeah exactly. I think that's an interesting thing
Speaker 1: that you said, is that I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people get to a point in a relationship where they think,
Speaker 1: all right, well, if there's no orgasm, it was a failure. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And you know, we have such a narrow definition of orgasm,
Speaker 1: especially for a woman. It's it's not the same like
Speaker 1: this probably is many different types of orgasm as there
Speaker 1: are women having them. You know, they don't necessarily look
Speaker 1: like what you've seen in porn or the media. It
Speaker 1: doesn't have to follow that trajectory, you know. And so
Speaker 1: we're all seeking this one thing. And so that's what
Speaker 1: I mean. I'm trying to unwind some of that, some
Speaker 1: of these definitions and strongholds that we have around what
Speaker 1: we want to experience sexually. Because for a woman, whether
Speaker 1: she climaxes or not is not is not the thing,
Speaker 1: you know, she could use her vibrator and get off
Speaker 1: better then she could and quicker than she could with
Speaker 1: a man. Or She's seeking is something that's more trude
Speaker 1: at the moment and more of a play between her
Speaker 1: and her partner. That's like most women want more true
Speaker 1: to the moment sex. I don't want to necessarily want
Speaker 1: one particular style or way of getting off. They just
Speaker 1: want what's true to the moment. For the record, for
Speaker 1: what you said before, I'm actually a big fan of
Speaker 1: the stuff that comes before. Yeah, you know that, that
Speaker 1: lead up and stuff. I think there's a lot still
Speaker 1: even by saying before, you're still saying that there's that
Speaker 1: I will not um. I thought that's how you referred
Speaker 1: to you said before penetration. There's a lot of stuff
Speaker 1: that can happen. That's why I use that phrasing. Hey,
Speaker 1: sometimes I wish three defined for play to mean something
Speaker 1: like we could call it core play, because if we're
Speaker 1: just going from A to B and then that's the end,
Speaker 1: and there's all this there's a whole alphabet to explore.
Speaker 1: There's so much in there to explore, and so if
Speaker 1: we're just going for that one thing, what could be
Speaker 1: some examples of that of instead of just four players,
Speaker 1: I think we all know probably what that is. What
Speaker 1: could be some other examples of instead of a to
Speaker 1: B and done, what could be a B, C, D.
Speaker 1: Anything your imagination can think up. And that's real between
Speaker 1: your you and your partner that doesn't involve penetration. And
Speaker 1: is there ever a time that you, as a female
Speaker 1: or your clients want to skip the like? Are you
Speaker 1: saying that there's never a time when you just want
Speaker 1: to go straight? No? Totally, There totally is, but that's
Speaker 1: the default. Absolutely sometimes. Yeah, we women want to be taken.
Speaker 1: They want that intensity, and a lot of the a
Speaker 1: lot of women don't want that all the time and
Speaker 1: they want something else. But they want just what's true
Speaker 1: in the moment and what is real. And but it
Speaker 1: takes connecting to yourself first as a man, so then
Speaker 1: you can then attune to yourself and then you can
Speaker 1: attune to your partner. So it's showing up with that
Speaker 1: full presence. That's the biggest gift that you can bring
Speaker 1: as a man to a sexual UM encounter is your
Speaker 1: full presence so that you can respond. Wow. Okay, so
Speaker 1: we have a caller here that just called in UM
Speaker 1: we have a listener who's willing to share her story
Speaker 1: and we'd love Leela for you to chime in on this,
Speaker 1: so can we bring her in? She's on with us. Hello,
Speaker 1: welcome to how men think. We appreciate you calling in
Speaker 1: and we appreciate you being vulnerable. Um. We won't require
Speaker 1: your name, we won't ask you to say your name,
Speaker 1: but we know you have a question. Can you please
Speaker 1: ask it? We have Leela here who's going to help
Speaker 1: us answer it. Hi, Hi h. I have been married
Speaker 1: for over ten years and things aren't great. Don't communicate
Speaker 1: at all. There's like no intimacy, whether it's an emotional
Speaker 1: or physical, and I don't know what to do. Do
Speaker 1: you have a desire? Maybe let's start here. Is your
Speaker 1: desired outcome of this? Are you? Are you? You're seeking
Speaker 1: more connection? You're seeking what would be the what would
Speaker 1: be the desired outcome where your relationship would look like what? Well?
Speaker 1: I mean, I want to be in a relationship where
Speaker 1: I feel like my buckets being filled and we're having
Speaker 1: fun and connecting in a lot of different ways. Totally
Speaker 1: here you and just a couple of questions I just
Speaker 1: wanted to ask, just so I can get some perspective. Um,
Speaker 1: do you have children, Yes, which makes it all much tougher.
Speaker 1: And um, how long were you together before you had children? Um?
Speaker 1: Maybe like two years. We got pregnant, like six months
Speaker 1: after our wedding, Yeah, quick. And can can you remember
Speaker 1: a time where the intimacy and connection was there for you?
Speaker 1: Well physically, I mean, I gotta say, it's never been
Speaker 1: like the greatest sex of my life. But I just
Speaker 1: thought that maybe that didn't matter at a certain age
Speaker 1: and the other stuff was more important, like being a
Speaker 1: great provider, being a great potential father, you know, things
Speaker 1: I thought stattered more. But now I realize it all matters. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it does. And you know, desire doesn't remain constant through
Speaker 1: a lifetime, let alone day to day, week to week,
Speaker 1: moment to moment. So you know, as we transition through
Speaker 1: the different phases of womanhood and enter into motherhood, things
Speaker 1: can drastically change. And one thing I really find with
Speaker 1: um with mothers is that, you know, sex becomes really
Speaker 1: undesirable when it is a place where you're always going
Speaker 1: to empty your cup. You know, it's not something that
Speaker 1: necessarily fills you up. And the usually what becomes glaringly
Speaker 1: apparent when you become a mother. Is that how much
Speaker 1: you've been partner pleasing in your previous sexual experience before
Speaker 1: becoming a mother, because that just doesn't fly. When you
Speaker 1: become a mom, you know you're giving everywhere. You're giving,
Speaker 1: giving to the family, giving to your kids, that maybe breastfeeding,
Speaker 1: and you know you're just given, given, giving. So if
Speaker 1: sex then is a place where you're continuing to give,
Speaker 1: then you're not going to desire it very much. And
Speaker 1: I feel like to for me, like I'm a woman.
Speaker 1: I can't just be expected to be at home all
Speaker 1: day like doing laundry and that like take off my
Speaker 1: feel amazing that I didn't have you lay on top
Speaker 1: of me, you know, like I need a little like
Speaker 1: emotional connection, like I'm a lady, you know that's what
Speaker 1: I need. Absolutely. Can I ask a question, did you
Speaker 1: have you ever had you said it was never great?
Speaker 1: Did you ever have instances or moments where you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: like there was a a little bit of it or
Speaker 1: you thought this is what it is. Have you ever
Speaker 1: had any even part of connection with your husband where
Speaker 1: you've been like this is what it is and you
Speaker 1: just can't recapture it or you never or have you
Speaker 1: never even felt it at all. I feel like there's
Speaker 1: like some performance stuff for him, and when we are
Speaker 1: doing it, he's like really in his own head and
Speaker 1: he's not present with me, and so I can feel
Speaker 1: like the anxiety of like, oh what if I can't
Speaker 1: do this? And so it just doesn't like I don't
Speaker 1: feel connected when we're doing it. So it just feels
Speaker 1: very like, let's just get this over with on his
Speaker 1: end to like finish. But again, I'm a lady, I
Speaker 1: need something different than that. So yeah, I just thought
Speaker 1: it would get better. I don't know, I don't know
Speaker 1: what I thought. I guess I wasn't thinking yea, And
Speaker 1: know that you know this isn't like a failure of yours.
Speaker 1: It's there's a myths to think that this just happens naturally.
Speaker 1: That you know that in a good relationship, intimacy is
Speaker 1: just there. But I see it more as a skill,
Speaker 1: and especially as a relationship continues, it's a skill that
Speaker 1: you develop and it's something that you also have to prioritize.
Speaker 1: So you know, if you're in like a sex rut um,
Speaker 1: that there definitely needs to be a conversation um that
Speaker 1: has to be had, and I want you to know
Speaker 1: that anything that you want to communicate can be communicated,
Speaker 1: um in a way that is effective and that doesn't
Speaker 1: make someone feel bad and doesn't like diminish um their
Speaker 1: self self esteem. And I think that's one of the
Speaker 1: main reasons why women choose not to communicate within their
Speaker 1: relationship is if afraid of crushing crushing the ego and um,
Speaker 1: there is a way, and the way usually is to
Speaker 1: have a conversation and to state, like what your intention
Speaker 1: is and what you want more of, and it comes
Speaker 1: from you know, I would like more of this. I
Speaker 1: remember or I remember a time when when it was
Speaker 1: like this, and I would really love to experience more
Speaker 1: of that. Or if or if you've been partner pleasing
Speaker 1: your whole life and always been about a man's pleasure,
Speaker 1: then it might be that you want to discover your
Speaker 1: your pleasure and you would like his help to do that,
Speaker 1: And there's I want you to know that that's going
Speaker 1: to make him feel that Like a man is usually
Speaker 1: very wrapped up in their partner's pleasure, like that's what
Speaker 1: makes him feel like the best love it. You guys
Speaker 1: can maybe attest to this, but like that I don't
Speaker 1: think he's like that at all. Like he's so like
Speaker 1: he's funny about it, Like he's so like I was
Speaker 1: never like that before I met him. I was very
Speaker 1: open and he's like super embarrassed about it. I don't know.
Speaker 1: It's like, well, which is like totally normal. And where
Speaker 1: we've we you know, where we've all learned from sex
Speaker 1: from you know, there's there's usually a lot of shame,
Speaker 1: but at the core of it, I can tell you
Speaker 1: that usually a man is very invested in their partner's
Speaker 1: pleasure and and maybe if you haven't been having sex
Speaker 1: for quite some time, then you know that he his
Speaker 1: sense of his masculinity is so diminished that he needs
Speaker 1: a bit of a build up. Can can I ask
Speaker 1: you a hard question? Um, we're do you have previous
Speaker 1: relationships that were better that maybe you're relating the experience
Speaker 1: of sex too, and that maybe he's just not as
Speaker 1: strong in that department as maybe previously. I mean, I
Speaker 1: definitely think that when we met, I was like I
Speaker 1: had had my heartbroken by the person that I thought
Speaker 1: was the love of my life, and you know, I
Speaker 1: don't know if I was fully over that relationship, and
Speaker 1: you know, he was so nice and he was easy
Speaker 1: to be with, and we were like really good friends,
Speaker 1: and so I just kind of put my blinders on
Speaker 1: and I put my head to the grind and I
Speaker 1: was like, all, Kay, this works. So would you say
Speaker 1: would you say would you say now that you are
Speaker 1: over that relationship or is that still somewhat present in
Speaker 1: your mind sometimes? I mean not on a daily basis,
Speaker 1: but I mean, of course, it's definitely something like if
Speaker 1: you don't have closure on something, you're always going to
Speaker 1: like wonder. But um, have you communicated to him? Because
Speaker 1: from a man standpoint, just like when my wife, when
Speaker 1: my wife tells me something that she would like me
Speaker 1: to do sexually or in the bedroom, or something she
Speaker 1: doesn't like that I do, I'm very receptive of it
Speaker 1: because of one how my wife delivers it. She delivers
Speaker 1: it very genuinely and and in such a way that
Speaker 1: I'm very receptive. Um, have you communicated clearly what he
Speaker 1: might not be doing well, or what he's doing that's
Speaker 1: not turning you on, or have those kinds of discussions
Speaker 1: From a man standpoint, we are open to those. Um,
Speaker 1: if he is a confident man, he won't take that
Speaker 1: as a blow to his ego and for other listeners,
Speaker 1: if you have a partner, you're saying, I can't Can
Speaker 1: I bring this up with my partner? Yeah, we love
Speaker 1: like I love my wife, So I want my wife
Speaker 1: to feel safe enough to be able to bring up
Speaker 1: any sort of conversation that she wants, especially with intimacy
Speaker 1: and sex. So have you had communication with him in
Speaker 1: that regard? Put his hands in places and I told
Speaker 1: him what I like and I don't like. But I
Speaker 1: think part of the part of our problem is we
Speaker 1: don't have the emotional intimacy to make the physical intimacy
Speaker 1: a safe place, you know what I mean, we don't
Speaker 1: have like, but he's not the person I would go
Speaker 1: to first, like. I don't know. I mean, we just
Speaker 1: don't have the emotional intimacy that you need to have
Speaker 1: that be what happens in the bed room. I think
Speaker 1: is part of the problem. Are you in love with
Speaker 1: him anymore? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. That's a
Speaker 1: tough question because there's like, there's usually so many layers,
Speaker 1: so many liers. That's that question. It's just hard. I
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, we're just also I'm in my worries,
Speaker 1: so you know, I'm kind of like women their forties
Speaker 1: kind of like get it all together and we're like
Speaker 1: figuring stuff out, and I feel like we kind of
Speaker 1: wake up a little bit, and I just feel like
Speaker 1: we're going in different directions and it's not helping any
Speaker 1: of the other stuff. And I think it's I think
Speaker 1: it's apparent to me that you guys need to get
Speaker 1: on the same team and and have a chat about
Speaker 1: what the purpose of your relationship is, what you what
Speaker 1: your intention for your relationship is, and then how you
Speaker 1: can see that, how you can see that moving forward, right,
Speaker 1: you know, beyond beyond the sex stuff. I agree, because
Speaker 1: we can't. I feel like we can't even get there
Speaker 1: until all this other stuff exactly. Exactly. The sex is
Speaker 1: just a symptom of of everything else. So if you
Speaker 1: can get on the same team, and if you are
Speaker 1: on the same team, if you can prioritize intimacy and
Speaker 1: connection not sex. I'm not saying like prioritize, you know,
Speaker 1: like having penetrative sex and like just going for it.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying creating a space for intimacy where you
Speaker 1: can connect and hear each other and get into that
Speaker 1: space of saneness like I am a human, you're a human.
Speaker 1: I have a heart, you have a heart. This is
Speaker 1: a let's let's connect, Like I think that's that's the
Speaker 1: wayful it can I bring up one thing that that
Speaker 1: that I heard that you said was he seems to
Speaker 1: be in his own head about it. Is it possible?
Speaker 1: And this is something we're talking about, you know obviously
Speaker 1: right before you called in and Leela, you can guide
Speaker 1: this if it's in his own head. If he's thinking
Speaker 1: I have to do this, I have to bring her
Speaker 1: to orgasm, I have to get her to this point,
Speaker 1: like he's thinking that trophy like this is going to
Speaker 1: be a failure if I don't get to the point.
Speaker 1: Could that be why he's in his own head and
Speaker 1: he's thinking I gotta get He doesn't stay hard a
Speaker 1: lot of times, So I think it's which happens with men.
Speaker 1: That's nothing, that's a that's a feeling the pressure to
Speaker 1: absolutely it doesn't accept me or doesn't make you think like,
Speaker 1: oh he's terrible, But I think it makes him feel
Speaker 1: that way. And I've said a million times like it's
Speaker 1: no big deal, um, but yeah, and if he's in
Speaker 1: and as long as we've been together, I've never felt
Speaker 1: like he was someone where I could be like open
Speaker 1: or myself in the bedroom, you know, m hmmm. How often?
Speaker 1: How often? How frequently would you say that you guys
Speaker 1: are having sex? And how do you what goes into
Speaker 1: that process? And by that, I mean how does it happen?
Speaker 1: You know? Is it a scheduled thing? Is it is
Speaker 1: there any spontaneity whatsoever? How does it all come about
Speaker 1: right now or is not? Um But when we still
Speaker 1: kind of were, it was probably like once or twice
Speaker 1: a month, and then it was either like at night
Speaker 1: after the kids went to bad. It wasn't like scheduled.
Speaker 1: It was I could always like you can always tell
Speaker 1: when it's coming. I don't know, like how often? How
Speaker 1: about this question? How often would you guys do something
Speaker 1: that could have the potential to lead to sex, whether
Speaker 1: it's a date night, whether it's cuddling on the couch
Speaker 1: or a little mini vacation, get the parents to watch
Speaker 1: the kids, or something like? How often would you proactively
Speaker 1: create something in your relationship that could potentially lead to
Speaker 1: a physical connection. Well, there's the problem because the answer
Speaker 1: is pretty much never. Yeah, I feel like there's a
Speaker 1: there's an insecurity problem with him. And I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that's the whole thing. Yeah, he's not he's not able
Speaker 1: to perform. You said he's afraid he'll he'll lose his erection,
Speaker 1: he'll go soft. And it's like, so I guarantee the
Speaker 1: moment you guys start kissing or something in his head
Speaker 1: he's like, oh my god, I hope this doesn't happen.
Speaker 1: And yeah, absolutely, and it's likely he's stressed. He has
Speaker 1: anxiety around it, the whole, the whole gambit. But but
Speaker 1: since we have of her on on the call, I
Speaker 1: think you know, I heard you say that you know
Speaker 1: you during your day you're just like with the kids
Speaker 1: or you you know, you're not feeling it. You're not
Speaker 1: feeling it yourself, right, And and so the gift to
Speaker 1: yourself is to prioritize your pleasure and to bring yourself
Speaker 1: more pleasure. Not talking about yeah, but I'm saying to
Speaker 1: like to live that turn on, not just like to
Speaker 1: get yourself off through masturbation. I'm talking to live that
Speaker 1: turn onto and to feel pleasure in your body, to
Speaker 1: take care of yourself and to do things that make
Speaker 1: you feel sexy. Well, I just actually, um like over
Speaker 1: the last year started doing that. I started prioritizing myself
Speaker 1: and getting in shape and working out and exercising and
Speaker 1: dressed like getting dressed up. And I've been doing that
Speaker 1: and I'm feeling great about myself. I am having like
Speaker 1: the best year have had personally. Have you seen any
Speaker 1: response from him? And actually it's a little bit of
Speaker 1: like threaten. I feel like, man, does he know that
Speaker 1: you that you are taking care of on your own? Accord?
Speaker 1: Is he? Is he aware of that? I don't think so.
Speaker 1: Do you think if he were to find out that
Speaker 1: you were masturbating on your own that he would feel
Speaker 1: inadequate or that would change his course of action in
Speaker 1: some way, and that he would you know, because speaking
Speaker 1: from personal experience, I would be almost offended in a
Speaker 1: way if really, if I wouldn't if it's not a
Speaker 1: to if I am physically home and we could be
Speaker 1: having sex, but you're choosing to take care of it yourself,
Speaker 1: to me, that's offensive. I think there's a big problem there.
Speaker 1: So what if you can't perform? But what if you
Speaker 1: or what if you're like away for a weekend or
Speaker 1: something like you travel for work. If you if I'm
Speaker 1: away it's just like a story. But it doesn't seem
Speaker 1: like he is away and that she's trying to save
Speaker 1: him the It sounds almost like she's so she's tiptoeing
Speaker 1: around his emotions so much so she's trying to save
Speaker 1: him the embarrassment of performing or lacking the ability to perform. Therefore,
Speaker 1: she's caring herself so as to spare him the the
Speaker 1: the embarrassment. Have you lost the polarity in the relationship,
Speaker 1: Like do you do you look at him like a man?
Speaker 1: Like he is a man? No? No, no, has it
Speaker 1: been a long time? Has he ever? Have you ever
Speaker 1: looked at him like with lost and desire? Like I
Speaker 1: love my look at this man. He just I am
Speaker 1: drawn to him like a magnet. Has it ever been
Speaker 1: like that? It's hard to say because of where my
Speaker 1: headspace is right now, But I don't think so. But
Speaker 1: sometimes that's not inherent, that's not always there. Sometimes that
Speaker 1: needs to be cultivated. And that's a choice. Yeah, right,
Speaker 1: Like both want you want to get on the same page,
Speaker 1: but she has to choose that too. Yeah. True, And
Speaker 1: I'm definitely not right now uptick of trying to you know,
Speaker 1: of exercising and doing whatever for him. Have there been
Speaker 1: other men that have come towards you at that time?
Speaker 1: I mean I don't. I mean I don't know. Like
Speaker 1: I'm like a mom with little kids, so not like you,
Speaker 1: and you know, very different in this society. When you're
Speaker 1: a mom, it's not saying. It's not saying in the
Speaker 1: same way with a guy with kids is like you
Speaker 1: talk to me. But I mean, maybe they thought my
Speaker 1: kids was cute. I don't know. Um, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Maybe and that attention if it must feel good. I mean,
Speaker 1: if if a man doesn't provide attention to his significant other,
Speaker 1: to his wife, I believe that any person will go
Speaker 1: somewhere else to get it. To me, it sounds to
Speaker 1: me it sounds like he needs to step up. Not
Speaker 1: saying that maybe you both aren't guilty, but I'm not
Speaker 1: hearing any effort from his side of this. I'd love
Speaker 1: to get him into the booth here. Well, let's not
Speaker 1: get carried away. Yeah, I don't know, it's just hard.
Speaker 1: It's just hard or not. But so let me let
Speaker 1: me can I can I step in on this? Can
Speaker 1: I step on it? Because? Um, that happens for men,
Speaker 1: So that's it's not a choice. He didn't make this
Speaker 1: choice to have that happen. And I'll say this that
Speaker 1: I have played with teammates that are physical specimens in
Speaker 1: the NHL, like I've played with teammates that have had
Speaker 1: that issue. Yea. And these some of these guys are young,
Speaker 1: guys could be as young as twenty five. I've played
Speaker 1: with guys that are physical specimens that have had troubles
Speaker 1: performing in in bed didn't help when you played with them?
Speaker 1: What's up? So I'm I'm I'm not trying to say that,
Speaker 1: like I'm not trying to protect him or say but
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, like, it does happen to men, but
Speaker 1: certainly it can. It can affect a man's confidence and
Speaker 1: his mindset when he knows that that can possibly be
Speaker 1: an issue. But there's there's viagraa there, there's a lot
Speaker 1: of information and pharmaceuticals out there that can help you work. Right,
Speaker 1: And you said that he kind of makes he makes
Speaker 1: light of it, right, You said, he kind of jokes
Speaker 1: about the whole thing. Now, yeah, and we know we
Speaker 1: don't we don't talk about it. Leela had a great
Speaker 1: point here. So I said, pharmaceuticals and Leela, because this
Speaker 1: is something I've got into and my wife is really into.
Speaker 1: Can you say what you just said? Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: with I just said something about energetic work. Um, you
Speaker 1: know that we don't always have to lean into the
Speaker 1: pharmaceuticals and a lot of this can just be energetic.
Speaker 1: Like there's a not enough. Um. That's why I asked
Speaker 1: if he was stressed or he has anxiety, because that
Speaker 1: will deplete the amount of sexual energy is in his body. So, um,
Speaker 1: you know, if you stress out at work or he
Speaker 1: has all these anxiety issues and his sexual energy will
Speaker 1: be diminished. But there's a lot of work. You know,
Speaker 1: there's Tanto workers, Taoist work, which elevates sexual energy in
Speaker 1: the body and gives gives them a man practices to
Speaker 1: to to stay hard. And I also want to point
Speaker 1: out that, you know, the intimacy that you you're craving
Speaker 1: might not even need for him to be hard. It
Speaker 1: is a desire to be connected with and a desire
Speaker 1: to be um penetrated with presence, right. I think that's
Speaker 1: part of the problem though, like I said earlier, is
Speaker 1: I feel like if you're not there emotionally, then the
Speaker 1: other stuff is really hard. You know, for me, anyway,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Well, you know that that's really how
Speaker 1: women work, you know, It's it's top down for a
Speaker 1: woman at all, initiates in the heart center first and
Speaker 1: then flows down to um, to the genitals and to
Speaker 1: being turned on. But for the for a guy, it's
Speaker 1: kind of the opposite. Yeah, so what what do you
Speaker 1: have any more questions? Leela? Do you have any last
Speaker 1: questions for lela um And we want we want it
Speaker 1: to be great. I appreciate it. I think I think
Speaker 1: having a conversation is needed and and state your intention,
Speaker 1: you know, and get really clear on that for yourself.
Speaker 1: What is your intention? What do you want? What? What
Speaker 1: are you hungry for? What are you deeply craving? Right? Yeah, right,
Speaker 1: I know. Well, we appreciate the call. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: We hope you'll keep us informed. Stay with us, yeah,
Speaker 1: stay with us, let us know how your journey goes,
Speaker 1: and then we'll be back after this break with some
Speaker 1: more questions from Leela. This is how men think. I'm
Speaker 1: Brooks like. And that was a fantastic call. That was
Speaker 1: our first phone call on the show. And that was
Speaker 1: your right, gab. That was heavy, That was somebody's life,
Speaker 1: big decisions in their life. Uh, and I hope we
Speaker 1: were able to help her somewhat in her journey. But Lela,
Speaker 1: in your opinion, what should she do? I think it's
Speaker 1: really important for her to get clear on her intention
Speaker 1: for or this particular relationship and even broader than that,
Speaker 1: what she feels the purpose of relationship is, you know,
Speaker 1: is is the purpose of relationship to be comfortable? Is
Speaker 1: the purpose of her relationship to like just have mad sex?
Speaker 1: You know? Is it? For a lot of people at
Speaker 1: the core about what it is is they want growth
Speaker 1: and they want to heal. And so if she feels
Speaker 1: that she can do that with this partner, because this
Speaker 1: is beyond sex, you know what, what she's explaining to us,
Speaker 1: this isn't really about sex. Sex is a symptom of
Speaker 1: the fact that they don't have They're not well, she's
Speaker 1: not currently experiencing intimacy and connection. So getting clear on
Speaker 1: what she feels the purpose of the relationship is and
Speaker 1: then what she wants, you know, and taking that to
Speaker 1: her partner and having a really a conversation about it
Speaker 1: that isn't about blame or even complaining, but just like
Speaker 1: what's your what what do you want? How do you
Speaker 1: want to live this life? What experience do you want
Speaker 1: to have? I think these are the bigger questions that
Speaker 1: the symptom of her sexual experience of pointing out to me,
Speaker 1: this sounds like, um, the whole relationship even almost sounds
Speaker 1: like it started as almost It's like it sounded like
Speaker 1: as like an emotional shipwreck. Anyway. It's sort of like
Speaker 1: she had a relationship someone she was in love with,
Speaker 1: it didn't work out, she was lost at sea, perhaps
Speaker 1: met somebody else who perhaps was also lost at sea.
Speaker 1: They end up in basically just salvaging each other, living
Speaker 1: in the same rescue boat, and not necessarily so passionate
Speaker 1: about each other other than the fact that they're in
Speaker 1: a boat. Um, and you know, and and that sounds
Speaker 1: like the whole thing. Now they've run out of their
Speaker 1: emergency supplies, but they're still in the boat. And there
Speaker 1: there is no there is no island even in sight
Speaker 1: to her other than just anywhere else but here. I
Speaker 1: can't be in this boat any longer. And I have
Speaker 1: to tell you, Um, it's to me, there's I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm being it's not my place to say, but being
Speaker 1: that this is a show about entertainment, I don't have
Speaker 1: to be as personally invested. And I could just give
Speaker 1: you my two cents, which is that there's certain things
Speaker 1: that are not worth um salvaging, certain scenarios, certain things
Speaker 1: of course you don't want you you don't want, you
Speaker 1: don't want to risk certain um catastrophic collateral damage. And
Speaker 1: it's just someone with children, So children are the priority
Speaker 1: to me. There's almost no point of getting married until
Speaker 1: it's children time. Um, so you know, you you have
Speaker 1: your relationship, but it really essentially is about heading towards
Speaker 1: the path of having a family and creating a secure home. Right.
Speaker 1: But it sounds like it wasn't. This was almost This
Speaker 1: is a big swing at something that was almost really
Speaker 1: a reactionary relationship to begin with, and it turned into
Speaker 1: a lifelong uh sentence. Yeah. I hear from her though,
Speaker 1: because she's been in a ten years. You know this,
Speaker 1: This isn't like a short stint. I feel like there
Speaker 1: is something in there that's keeping her there and it's
Speaker 1: likely why she got involved with this particular guy in
Speaker 1: the first place. Like we we all have wounds, we
Speaker 1: all have childhood wounds. A lot of the time we're
Speaker 1: recreating scenarios from our younger life. Um, you know, but
Speaker 1: you know even before we were five, which we're recreating
Speaker 1: those kind of like relationship dynamics and scenarios. And so
Speaker 1: she's entered into this one with all her wounds, but
Speaker 1: her relationship can be an environment to heal those. And
Speaker 1: that's why I say, get really clear on what the
Speaker 1: purpose of relationship is, because is it just meant to
Speaker 1: be smooth sailing. If it's meant to be smooth sailing,
Speaker 1: as soon as something gets uncomfortable, then we're like then
Speaker 1: we're on rocky ground and we're almost one ft in
Speaker 1: one ft out. So if this, if this relationship can
Speaker 1: potentially be healing of those wounds, then it's a great relationship.
Speaker 1: And if they can, I'm at each other, at each
Speaker 1: other with that, it can be beautiful. It sounds like
Speaker 1: it sounds like she signed up for comfortable in the
Speaker 1: smooth sailing versus like I'm love with this guy and
Speaker 1: I cannot not have this guy. Sounds like such a
Speaker 1: It just sounds this to me, sounds so contractual and
Speaker 1: and and there's no passion, and I mean it's not
Speaker 1: for me, it's not to me. I'm looking for a
Speaker 1: full life, right, every every day should be this amazing
Speaker 1: potentially an experience, right like a great day, and I'm
Speaker 1: looking for an awesome day. I get one life here
Speaker 1: in my opinion. You know what religion you guys are,
Speaker 1: But I'm of the opinion that I get this kind
Speaker 1: of one go around here on the planet, and I
Speaker 1: want to enjoy the company that I'm in fully, and
Speaker 1: if I'm not getting great company, I need to find
Speaker 1: different company. Then again, I'm not married and I don't
Speaker 1: have children, so I'm just speaking for that perspective. No,
Speaker 1: I just want to grab and I agree with you.
Speaker 1: I think I think if I were to offer advice
Speaker 1: to you, call her. You know, life is short, you know,
Speaker 1: like you need to probably get out of this relationship
Speaker 1: to be frank with you, and then move on and
Speaker 1: meet somebody else that you are going to be happy with.
Speaker 1: That being said, every time that you are calling your
Speaker 1: friends or talking to somebody else, maybe it's a relative
Speaker 1: about this situation. You need to turn right around and
Speaker 1: go talk to that partner. That is where you agree
Speaker 1: with your time in not calling your friends and complaining
Speaker 1: and not calling you know, looking in the mirror, doing
Speaker 1: and taking an alternative path that is the time you
Speaker 1: need to turn around and go talk to your husband
Speaker 1: and that man. Definitely call hell man think it helps
Speaker 1: our show. Have you noticed though, how in a relationship,
Speaker 1: how we leave one and then we just go and
Speaker 1: recreate it with another one. So I feel like that
Speaker 1: there's still something there that that that needs to be
Speaker 1: looked at. Is that's going to keep her in the relationship?
Speaker 1: Doesn't I don't know. I don't know. Let's just be
Speaker 1: open to that curiosity. But she needs to figure that out.
Speaker 1: And if you know, maybe they do break up and
Speaker 1: she moves on, and but at least heal that piece
Speaker 1: that hasn't quite got there yet because she recreated in
Speaker 1: another scenario. Right, So what do you think? Let's let's
Speaker 1: pull what do you think? Break up? Gav or stay together?
Speaker 1: What do you think? Man? You heard my opinion? I
Speaker 1: mean I I for the most part, I just think
Speaker 1: this is this is this is a lifeboat that's got
Speaker 1: no supplies left in it. And that's that's how I
Speaker 1: feel about it. It doesn't mean that the man doesn't
Speaker 1: that her partner doesn't deserve a great conversation and honest conversation,
Speaker 1: But I feel like they need to come to terms
Speaker 1: and they need to both seek new islands to settle on.
Speaker 1: I agree. I think I don't hear any passion in there,
Speaker 1: and certainly I don't hear a lot of effort from
Speaker 1: his side. And granted we just got her story, but
Speaker 1: I don't hear a lot of effort he had. There's
Speaker 1: two sides every story. I don't hear a lot of
Speaker 1: effort from his side. I don't hear a lot of
Speaker 1: passion in there. They are still young. She is still young.
Speaker 1: If she is thirty five, forty, mid forties, you still
Speaker 1: have that. You're not even at the halfway point of
Speaker 1: your life. So there's so much more opportunity ahead for
Speaker 1: if if she might just be missing bravery or courage,
Speaker 1: it's a massive decision. You have kids involved. I don't
Speaker 1: have kids, so I don't understand what the ramification is.
Speaker 1: Your perspectively changed with kids. So maybe I'll defer to
Speaker 1: you guys. But I think she's got so much life ahead,
Speaker 1: and I think she should look at that and want
Speaker 1: to live that as happy as she can. I agree
Speaker 1: with you, man, Since she has kids, she is going
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with this person, whether they're
Speaker 1: intimate or not whether in romantic relationship or not. They're
Speaker 1: gonna be co parenting these kids. So yeah, he deserves
Speaker 1: a conversation. They deserve a conversation. Meet each other with respect,
Speaker 1: have the conversation what and and then decide, you know,
Speaker 1: and then then see what transpires. Yeah, and then the
Speaker 1: fundamentally they may have both grown to be attracted to
Speaker 1: different things anyway at this point. I mean, it's not
Speaker 1: a linear thing, right, So life is long. People's taste
Speaker 1: change over time as well. And and you know, what
Speaker 1: he found attractive at one point maybe different now. What
Speaker 1: she found attractive at one point maybe different now. And
Speaker 1: our priorities also shifted. The equation isn't constantly evolving. One
Speaker 1: would Julila ever, you know I'm thinking about this. Would
Speaker 1: you ever advise her to go to her husband, to
Speaker 1: give him, essentially an ultimatum, to say, look, this is
Speaker 1: what I need. I want to be back in love
Speaker 1: with you like we were when we got married. These
Speaker 1: are the things that I need from you to continue
Speaker 1: in this marriage, for our kids, for me, these are
Speaker 1: the things I need from you to be happy again.
Speaker 1: If you are not interested in fulfilling those needs, then
Speaker 1: we need to seriously consider parting ways. And I realized
Speaker 1: that is it could be perceived as a threat or harsh,
Speaker 1: But I personally respond in a way, if I know
Speaker 1: that that I might lose her and that I then
Speaker 1: may lose of the time with my children, that is
Speaker 1: really impactful for me, and it may prompt me to
Speaker 1: want to give her those things and give her all,
Speaker 1: you know, all the things that she laid out that
Speaker 1: she's craving. I would make more of a concerted effort
Speaker 1: to deliver those if I knew my entire marriage, my kids,
Speaker 1: everything was on the line, it could work. Um. Again,
Speaker 1: it takes her getting clear and what her intention is
Speaker 1: and what she wants for herself, because she currently is
Speaker 1: not clear. Um. And the fear I have around the
Speaker 1: ultimatum is that given what we we really don't know
Speaker 1: what his state is. We don't know if this guy
Speaker 1: has depression. We don't know what he's contending with in
Speaker 1: his life. We don't know the wounds that have been triggered.
Speaker 1: We don't know any of that. So we're giving this
Speaker 1: person who may be severely and and may have depression,
Speaker 1: and ultimatum he could just you know, just crumble under.
Speaker 1: That will make the performance even that much worse because
Speaker 1: there you go. But what if you definitely think they
Speaker 1: need a third party, what if you change it from
Speaker 1: ultimatum to like state of the union, like this is
Speaker 1: where I'm at. And if it doesn't she be coming
Speaker 1: from I first of all, and what she desires. It
Speaker 1: shouldn't be really about I want you to do this
Speaker 1: so I can feel this particular way. It should be
Speaker 1: her living it and hopefully that inspires him enough. But
Speaker 1: if if it doesn't, then getting a third party to
Speaker 1: like be the reflection as well. I definitely think the
Speaker 1: third party needs to be involved. But I think she
Speaker 1: doesn't set ultimatums to him. I think she sets dates
Speaker 1: for herself. How long does she want to be in
Speaker 1: this relationship? How long does you know she's clearly unsatisfied
Speaker 1: with what's going on. I think once she figures out
Speaker 1: the not I'm not talking about the sex that. I'm
Speaker 1: talking about the emotional side and the engagement side. But
Speaker 1: she can set when she's comfortable with herself. She should
Speaker 1: be setting those timelines of like, okay, maybe now or
Speaker 1: this date I should now I'm going to leave, or
Speaker 1: now I'm going to stay with it, or whatever you know.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's it's easier said than done. But she's
Speaker 1: not even having the conversation. She's not even bringing it
Speaker 1: to him right, let alone in the right the right way,
Speaker 1: you know, the effective way. He doesn't he probably you're saying,
Speaker 1: we don't know any about We don't know anything about him,
Speaker 1: so we can only focus on her because she's the
Speaker 1: one that we're talking to. To meet your any last
Speaker 1: thoughts on this, we gotta go to break here shortly.
Speaker 1: Just one quick last thought is that I agree with
Speaker 1: all of this. I agree there's obviously a problem. I
Speaker 1: agree that she needs to talk to him. They need
Speaker 1: to have that communication. I don't think you know the question.
Speaker 1: The thing that stuck in my mind is that when
Speaker 1: Ryan was talking about his ultimatum, he said the ultimatum was,
Speaker 1: can we get back to where we were in love?
Speaker 1: I don't, I'll be honest, this specific situation. I don't
Speaker 1: get the feeling that she would that they ever had
Speaker 1: that love. I don't don't think she has that to
Speaker 1: get back to. I don't. What I heard from her
Speaker 1: was she got out of another relationship, she had her heartbroken,
Speaker 1: she met this guy, thinks and and they've got, they've
Speaker 1: stuck together this whole time. I don't know that she
Speaker 1: ever had that thing to get back to. So that's
Speaker 1: that's where I'm at with that. I don't know that
Speaker 1: she that she can even if she gave an ultimatum,
Speaker 1: she couldn't get back to. I think maybe she she
Speaker 1: went and got married to not get her heartbroken again. Wow,
Speaker 1: we'll leave it there. It's gonna take a break peace,
Speaker 1: all right. So that was some heavy stuff. This episode
Speaker 1: has been pretty intense so far. That was our first call.
Speaker 1: That's somebody's life that called and trusted us with their
Speaker 1: life with a big decision there. So let's have a
Speaker 1: little more fun now we figured out for him though.
Speaker 1: So I gotta I got a question that's probably gonna
Speaker 1: provoke a little more laughter. What is men's biggest worry
Speaker 1: about sex? M men's biggest worry? What's the one thing
Speaker 1: you worry about the most in the bedroom? Good question.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I can say, well, this isn't
Speaker 1: a word, this is what I want? Is that the
Speaker 1: next question? Please go ahead, buddy? What is it like
Speaker 1: I want to orgasm at the same time, Like to me,
Speaker 1: that's the ultimate thing. The timing of it whenever, even
Speaker 1: if it's a couple of seconds offer or five minutes offer,
Speaker 1: whatever that is, it's to me, it's it's wanting to
Speaker 1: have that couples like at the same time or five
Speaker 1: minutes off is different. I'm just I'm just kind of kidding. Okay. So,
Speaker 1: so at the same time, like we're going, yeah, what
Speaker 1: what does that feel like? For you? What is what
Speaker 1: does that mean? What does it's not? What it means
Speaker 1: is it's it's we're doing something together, and it's not
Speaker 1: about me having an orgasm. It's about us having an orgasm,
Speaker 1: us being together in that moment and enjoying that feeling,
Speaker 1: whether the climax at the at the exact same time.
Speaker 1: And to me, that's the ultimate goal. Okay, So what
Speaker 1: I got that? So what I forget the first question?
Speaker 1: What's your biggest worry about sex? Like if you're if
Speaker 1: you know you you and your wife are going to
Speaker 1: have sex, or maybe when you were younger, when you
Speaker 1: were twenty or whatever, what was something you worried about
Speaker 1: going I mean, I think worrying would be kind of
Speaker 1: like how you're actually performing it, you know, how you're
Speaker 1: how you're doing it, making sure that you are turning
Speaker 1: on that person that you're with, whether you're a twenty
Speaker 1: or or now you know, and making sure that they're
Speaker 1: having a good time. I think that's that's my biggest
Speaker 1: worry m Dmitri, my biggest worries that Rick cannot now
Speaker 1: I'm kidding. Um uh yeah, I agree. I mean I
Speaker 1: think I get I get a lot of my pleasure
Speaker 1: out of knowing that the person I'm with is feeling pleasure.
Speaker 1: So whether it be whatever part of it is, but
Speaker 1: I feel, I guess to Rick's point, you feel like
Speaker 1: you want to be able to to deliver for them
Speaker 1: what they want and that in turn will will feel
Speaker 1: good for me. But I feel like, listen, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: drop a bomb on you guys here. I'm not a
Speaker 1: porn star, so I know, you know, people, there's a
Speaker 1: lot of something like like and everything. If someone has there,
Speaker 1: which which luckily my wife does not, which is probably
Speaker 1: why she married me. But if someone has their their
Speaker 1: sights on like what like the craziness that people talk
Speaker 1: about like to some extent, like yeah, like I think
Speaker 1: people when they watch porn and stuff like that, I
Speaker 1: think they you know, I guess now, I've moved on
Speaker 1: from me, And what people might fear is that they
Speaker 1: feel like they gotta live up to the like you've
Speaker 1: gotta be crazy, you gotta be able to do all
Speaker 1: this stuff, and and it's like that's that's kind of
Speaker 1: like I don't think I can. So if people are
Speaker 1: growing up watching that, then they're gonna be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't think I'm ever gonna have that. Isn't that
Speaker 1: becoming more prevalent now that porn is so easily accessible
Speaker 1: they think they have to do all these I feel like,
Speaker 1: under thirty even thirty five, your default sex education is
Speaker 1: coming from porn. So then you have, you know, the
Speaker 1: whole um society of of men thinking that they need
Speaker 1: to give it in that way, and then you have
Speaker 1: a whole host of women who feel like they need
Speaker 1: to be deriving pleasure from that. So this huge distortion.
Speaker 1: It's like kind of like you know, trying to learn
Speaker 1: how to drive from watching Fast and Furious and you
Speaker 1: know we're not supposed to do that. But I'll say
Speaker 1: I've never, like, listen, I've never been totally into born.
Speaker 1: Like if I walk in a room and you guys
Speaker 1: had porn on, I'm not going to clo cover my
Speaker 1: eyes and like turn it off. But that's never been
Speaker 1: like the thing for me. I'm much more into like,
Speaker 1: I mean, give me the last fifteen minutes of sixteen
Speaker 1: Candles where the where the nerd gets the hot girl
Speaker 1: that the guy makes a couple of jokes and like,
Speaker 1: to me, that's exciting. So it's like, yeah, that's yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not anti porn. It can be. It can be.
Speaker 1: I'm not anti porn. It can be really useful. It's
Speaker 1: just that that shouldn't be where what we're thinking that
Speaker 1: sex is because it's not. Do you ever advise clients
Speaker 1: to watch porn together? Um? No, I don't, actually because
Speaker 1: I like too visual and it takes people out of
Speaker 1: their bodies and I feel like when they're actually occupying
Speaker 1: their bodies and feeling all the sensations in their bodies,
Speaker 1: that's where the best, best sex kind of comes from.
Speaker 1: So I usually if they're wanting like inspiration or to
Speaker 1: figure out like what they might want in sex, I'm
Speaker 1: more advised audio erotica, Yeah, because then you can kind
Speaker 1: of figure out I don't like this, or that's really funny,
Speaker 1: or this this is actually turning me on. Ryan what
Speaker 1: do you think men's biggest worry about sexes? I mean,
Speaker 1: speaking personally, mine is undoubtedly pleasuring my wife too much
Speaker 1: so that she's tired through the rest of the day
Speaker 1: and she had scheduled and it's just like it exhausts her.
Speaker 1: So I'm I'm saying, like, okay, that was four, stopping
Speaker 1: at five. She'll be we'll be able to have dinner together.
Speaker 1: She won't pass out. Now, Honestly, I would say, I
Speaker 1: would say avoiding it being a true transactional experience, which
Speaker 1: is something we kind of spoke to with the caller
Speaker 1: and what's up. I call it Judy six. It's something
Speaker 1: but but Brooks, it's something that that Julianne spoke to
Speaker 1: with respect to spontaneity. And you know, we we've all
Speaker 1: talked about we have schedules and lives and kids and
Speaker 1: not wanting it to be something that you schedule from
Speaker 1: this hour when the kids are down or or nobody's home.
Speaker 1: And you know, for me, there are a million things
Speaker 1: that my wife and I have to to navigate, which
Speaker 1: are like I was telling De Metro just a minute ago,
Speaker 1: it's okay, well, it can't be first thing in the
Speaker 1: morning because we we have to have our coffee, we
Speaker 1: have to go to the bathroom. Get that out of
Speaker 1: the way. It's not going to be in bed before
Speaker 1: that has happened. But then after you've gone to the bathroom,
Speaker 1: it's like, well, now the right time. Now we gotta shower.
Speaker 1: Do we have time to shower? And then it's like, well,
Speaker 1: it's lunch time. So we just had a meal. I
Speaker 1: feel bloated, so it can't be after a meal. So
Speaker 1: you factor in the eating and the time to go
Speaker 1: to the bathroom, and the kids are awake, and you
Speaker 1: have like a seven minute window. I only need a
Speaker 1: two minute window luckily, but like she doesn't offensive need
Speaker 1: longer than two minutes. But but but there are You know,
Speaker 1: it boils down to this very small window of the
Speaker 1: day that it works out conveniently for both of you,
Speaker 1: which of course takes all the spontaneity out of it.
Speaker 1: And you know, what are we doing here? It is
Speaker 1: the best sex? Only spontaneous sex? Is this just a myth? No? Truthfully,
Speaker 1: I think spontaneous sex is great. I have just as
Speaker 1: good a time when it's when it's scheduled. Just like
Speaker 1: if the all those factors just described or controlled for
Speaker 1: and our son is down for his nap and everything's good.
Speaker 1: I'm like, this is good, Like we're happy. These are
Speaker 1: the realities. Lela. Well, let's ask you, let's from a
Speaker 1: from a woman's perspective. What do you believe that men's
Speaker 1: biggest worry is sexually? Um? Well, I wanted to comment
Speaker 1: on what everyone said because it's all geared around her pleasure.
Speaker 1: And I really want women to get this because that's
Speaker 1: one of the biggest barriers for women communicating what they
Speaker 1: want is that they don't think they're going to get
Speaker 1: it first of all, and that they think that that
Speaker 1: equates to him getting less pleasure or it equates to
Speaker 1: him not being happy with the sexual experience. So if
Speaker 1: if you hear what I heard, which was that men
Speaker 1: deeply desire your pleasure, then if you can, if you
Speaker 1: can be authentic enough in yourself to know what that
Speaker 1: is and to be experiencing that, then he's going to
Speaker 1: get more of what he wants, not less. Very Well said,
Speaker 1: I agree. Yeah, what about you, what's your biggest worry?
Speaker 1: I think it's pretty much in line with everybody else's.
Speaker 1: You know, um, I think you you as a partner,
Speaker 1: you want to make sure that. Um, maybe it's a
Speaker 1: guy thing too, because you're competitive. Um, you're gonna do
Speaker 1: such a good job that they couldn't possibly be with
Speaker 1: somebody who would satisfy them as much as you as
Speaker 1: you do and so and so it has to be
Speaker 1: truly a full is this really holistic sort of experience
Speaker 1: and there should be such it should be so gratifying
Speaker 1: that nothing that basically should leave nothing on the table
Speaker 1: in my opinion. So that's that's just how, in my opinion,
Speaker 1: how how it should go down. So um, but I
Speaker 1: feel that that you want to give so much that
Speaker 1: you feel like you can't be outdone, right, Um, and uh,
Speaker 1: I think that's the worry. Is it? Was it that great? Okay?
Speaker 1: And uh, that's the that's the goal, I think. So,
Speaker 1: I I understand that in my opinion, being married and
Speaker 1: caring about my wife her experience is a massive worry
Speaker 1: for me. I want like not a worry, but I
Speaker 1: want for her completely, which is what you're saying. I
Speaker 1: want my wife to have and which is what you're saying.
Speaker 1: I want my wife to have the best experience ever
Speaker 1: that that she desires and craves and just me, you
Speaker 1: know so that I do agree, but I'm also going
Speaker 1: to like rock the boat here because none of you
Speaker 1: have said fire in the gun too early, or or
Speaker 1: just having a little pistol said that. For sure, there's
Speaker 1: dudes out here listening. Okay, you have to find a
Speaker 1: small enough holster sometimes who is a comedian. The one
Speaker 1: comedian is like it might not be long, but it
Speaker 1: sure is thin. Can I just say one thing? My
Speaker 1: other biggest fear, which I just remembered, is that one
Speaker 1: of Gavin's songs will come on the radio. I've had
Speaker 1: that happen. I have a buddy. I have a buddy
Speaker 1: whose songs have come on when we're listening to music
Speaker 1: and it's it comes over the house. It works out.
Speaker 1: It's a great song. But it's kind of like, I
Speaker 1: can't do the music and sex thing. What oh, we
Speaker 1: gotta dive into this. Are you serious? You don't like candles?
Speaker 1: I did this two nights ago. Let some candles in
Speaker 1: the room, set some atmosphere, put some light music on
Speaker 1: a princip video game changer. It's a game changer, buddy,
Speaker 1: it's a game changer. The music thing gets maybe kiss
Speaker 1: out because you hate all the other artists. You don't
Speaker 1: want your piste off the records are do you ever
Speaker 1: just put yourself on there? Just put your record on here,
Speaker 1: like sex to a game? Right? Uh so yeah, he
Speaker 1: shoots he Oh no, let me see that. Hold on
Speaker 1: a second. You know, the distraction of it, because it's
Speaker 1: my world. It h if I hear music, I don't
Speaker 1: zone out when I listen to music. It it it
Speaker 1: pulls me. So it's interesting. I can't have it. So
Speaker 1: put a hockey game up. You don't, you can run
Speaker 1: those excuse me. I just gonna put someone hockey night
Speaker 1: in Canada. Here we go. Yeah, so that I can't
Speaker 1: do it because it messes with my own personal you know,
Speaker 1: we all have UM. Musicians talk about it. You have
Speaker 1: an internal rhythm and UM like uh. Fundamentally speaking, I
Speaker 1: write songs in general what we call mid tempo, and
Speaker 1: so that's where I hear things. I hear things. It's
Speaker 1: specific um tempo in general like where I sit and
Speaker 1: I write music. I'll write songs that you'll find songs
Speaker 1: zero around certain tempos, right, and I'll go wow, for
Speaker 1: whatever reason, that's my that's my clock, you know, And
Speaker 1: that's an extension of of my essensuality right as a musician,
Speaker 1: that's it's very much related. And um, so that's that's
Speaker 1: where I live in my when my intimacy role is
Speaker 1: it's the same same clock, you know. And so if
Speaker 1: I'm hearing music that doesn't suit my my clock, doesn't
Speaker 1: suit my natural rhythm, then it's going to interrupt what
Speaker 1: what is truly an extension of of of myself? Right?
Speaker 1: What if it was your rhythm? Though I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: play my own records, Well, you don't want to play
Speaker 1: your own So there's something with the same as it
Speaker 1: beats per minuted or like how what's what's what if
Speaker 1: there was something with the same rhythm that aligned with you,
Speaker 1: it would still it wouldn't be me. It's so um
Speaker 1: so it's so directly related. You know, music is so sensual.
Speaker 1: Um good music is um it's so it's so much
Speaker 1: a direct link between your week what I call a
Speaker 1: soul right and and and my and your your sensuality.
Speaker 1: Um that I can't interrupt that. If I interrupt that,
Speaker 1: then it completely throws me off. You know, God, I
Speaker 1: love hearing neck I talk about music. Hey, how impressent.
Speaker 1: The whole room is just like staring at you. Yeah, awesome.
Speaker 1: I love that was awesome. I just love listening to that, buddy.
Speaker 1: That was powerful. I did want. I was thinking about
Speaker 1: this when we started the show, about the intimacy side.
Speaker 1: And I know Gavin is kind of our our you know,
Speaker 1: our little brother per se, right, he's not married, kids,
Speaker 1: all this kind of stuff. But my my point was,
Speaker 1: and I should have made it earlier, was that I
Speaker 1: think he is intimate with his music and with with
Speaker 1: what he was just describing, and I think that's that's
Speaker 1: his intimacy. Um, as one of you're right, but um,
Speaker 1: I think truly, you know, just getting to know you more.
Speaker 1: And I think that's that's what we're you're talking about,
Speaker 1: you know, and that's that's where you are as an
Speaker 1: individual and a person. Um. You know, it's not all
Speaker 1: about sex and women and girls and whatever. You know,
Speaker 1: you're in love with your music and you're and that's
Speaker 1: that's what it is. Yeah, that's where I spend my
Speaker 1: time with and I think a lot of times, I
Speaker 1: think I think that maybe a reason why the single
Speaker 1: thing doesn't freak me out as much, because I'm getting
Speaker 1: a lot of that sexual energy out in playing music. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't have the same desires that I
Speaker 1: had when I was twenty two, you know. But I'm
Speaker 1: not you know, I'm not on my first tour. I'm
Speaker 1: not twenty six, you know, being a nut around the world,
Speaker 1: you know. So you know, I got that stuff kind
Speaker 1: of out of my system and so I found uh,
Speaker 1: you know, I haven't been a new chapter of my life,
Speaker 1: you know, and so I'm still able to I still
Speaker 1: have that energy, that that sensuality, you know, and then
Speaker 1: that sexual energy, you know. But I'm not, um, I'm
Speaker 1: not in young lion mode, you know. And I think
Speaker 1: this is really key what you're saying around you creating
Speaker 1: intimacy with with your music, and that's what you have
Speaker 1: intimacy with, you know, intimacy. It doesn't have to be
Speaker 1: relegated to touch your sex or anything like that. It
Speaker 1: can be things. And the more that we actually practice
Speaker 1: intimacy in life and with other things, than the more
Speaker 1: that we can bring that into our partnerships and into
Speaker 1: the bedroom. So you know, um, that intimate, that connection
Speaker 1: and that awareness and that presence and that openness that
Speaker 1: you have when you're with music, that can then roll
Speaker 1: roll over to then you know, being a practice that
Speaker 1: you do with somebody else, you know, and bringing intimate
Speaker 1: to her and going with her rhythm. Maybe that needs
Speaker 1: to We're getting close to the end of your guys,
Speaker 1: but I want that leads to a question I have
Speaker 1: for you, Leela, for our listeners just to wrap up,
Speaker 1: what are some maybe one, two, or three things that
Speaker 1: they can really do if they are struggling with intimacy
Speaker 1: and sex with a partner. Just to wrap this whole
Speaker 1: episode up, what are the main things that you could
Speaker 1: stress or stress for them? Where do they go? Do
Speaker 1: they go right to their partner to have a discussion.
Speaker 1: What are the most important steps to wrap up and
Speaker 1: sum up everything we've talked about today? Yeah, the one
Speaker 1: that I just mentioned about the intimacy with yourself, I
Speaker 1: mean intimacy with the things that you with around you
Speaker 1: and prioritizing that kind of pleasure for yourself first is
Speaker 1: incredibly important. And I in any coaching session that I'm in,
Speaker 1: it's all about, um, getting in touch and with your
Speaker 1: own pleasure and your own intimacy and doing that for
Speaker 1: yourself first. UM. I think that's very important to hear.
Speaker 1: Like that taught me something because I think a lot
Speaker 1: of people that probably come to you are looking for
Speaker 1: while my partner doesn't do X, Y or Z, and
Speaker 1: you're putting a mirror in front of them and say, well,
Speaker 1: let's go back to you. How are you showing up
Speaker 1: in that? So I wanted to just stress up for
Speaker 1: our listeners. That's that's powerful. What can I do for
Speaker 1: this first before it's just wanting from my partner exactly.
Speaker 1: So for men usually it's you know, being more present
Speaker 1: and more having more awareness and bring that to the table.
Speaker 1: And for women who um, it's it's usually giving it
Speaker 1: to themselves first rather than seeking it from somebody else.
Speaker 1: And you know, in partnership, I think the whole piece
Speaker 1: that we're talking about with the caller around getting on
Speaker 1: the same team. You know, this is this shouldn't be oppositional.
Speaker 1: You know, this isn't a me versus you. If I
Speaker 1: get what I want, you're not going to get what
Speaker 1: you want and vice versa. This is about like, how
Speaker 1: can we have the most amazing experience, how can we
Speaker 1: each be in pleasure, in immense pleasure, um and having
Speaker 1: a dial all around that. You know, sex doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be like this seamless kind of seamless flow. It's play.
Speaker 1: Sex is play, so play, get explorative and create these
Speaker 1: kind of explorative, experimental spaces where you're meeting each other
Speaker 1: for the first time, like it's like every time, like
Speaker 1: it's the first time. Right, Wow, beautiful. Yeah, you're amazing.
Speaker 1: We've like I've I've learned so much. You've We've all,
Speaker 1: I think, speaking for all of us, learned so much.
Speaker 1: When you want to command you you're exceptional at what
Speaker 1: you do. For our listeners, where can they find you?
Speaker 1: How can they get in contact with you? Because I'm
Speaker 1: sure you're phone to me ringing off the hook, so
Speaker 1: you can contact me through my website. It's Loving Lela's
Speaker 1: about l I l A so loving lela dot com.
Speaker 1: And I'm also on Instagram and I'm pretty semi active
Speaker 1: on there, but I usually get back to direct messages,
Speaker 1: so if you have any questions, and I like to
Speaker 1: do question and answers through my stories as well. So just, um,
Speaker 1: there's not enough conversation around what we're experiencing. So if
Speaker 1: you're experiencing, it's likely someone else's too, So just creating
Speaker 1: more and more conversation to give ourselves permission around Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: what we want, what we crave, what we're hungry for,
Speaker 1: and and what's standing in the way of that amazing,
Speaker 1: Or you can reach out to us, so look a
Speaker 1: look up Lela where she just said. Or you can
Speaker 1: reach out to us men at I heeart Radio dot
Speaker 1: com and we'll connect you there as well. Lela. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. Thanks guys, thank you so much. You've
Speaker 1: been amazing. That's it for this episode. Take care of
Speaker 1: one another, love one another, and we'll see you guys
Speaker 1: back here next week. Hey, guys, it's Brooks and one
Speaker 1: last thing before you take off. We want to know
Speaker 1: your thoughts, feedback, insights, and questions for us on this show.
Speaker 1: Send us an email at men at i heeart radio
Speaker 1: dot com and follow along with us on Instagram at
Speaker 1: how Men Think podcast and we'll see you back right
Speaker 1: here next week for the next episode.