WEBVTT - Sexual Healing 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:04.400 This is How Men Think with brooks Like and Gavin 0:00:04.440 --> 0:00:08.959 to Grow and I heard radio podcast. Welcome to How 0:00:09.000 --> 0:00:11.600 Men Think. My name is brooks Like and we have 0:00:11.640 --> 0:00:14.600 another exciting episode for you guys listening. We appreciate you 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:17.480 guys tuning in smiling again over here, my man man, 0:00:17.720 --> 0:00:20.360 Mr Gavin de Grow. What's up Brooks buddy? How are 0:00:20.360 --> 0:00:23.880 you doing? I'm amazing, dude, I'm excited to ruin my 0:00:23.920 --> 0:00:29.400 reputation on another episode of this show. You can't yeah, okay, 0:00:29.440 --> 0:00:32.559 we you might be able to have, dude. We have 0:00:32.640 --> 0:00:35.599 good editors. Eastern is an amazing editor. Were lying on here. 0:00:35.760 --> 0:00:38.600 We have you backed up, buddy, But I'm glad you. 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:40.960 How can you never ask me how I'm doing? I 0:00:41.080 --> 0:00:45.599 say what's up? You say what's up? I said, what's up? 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:50.120 We do? Okay? How are you doing well? Gavin? Should 0:00:50.159 --> 0:00:54.720 you ask? If you ask me how I'm doing, I'm 0:00:54.720 --> 0:01:01.280 a say feeling Just come on? I would and say, 0:01:01.720 --> 0:01:04.319 I still know? Brother? How do you finish it for me? 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:09.640 I exercise at your house? That was Gavin's hit if 0:01:09.640 --> 0:01:12.280 you guys, you guys didn't recognize it. I didn't singing 0:01:12.280 --> 0:01:14.280 it like him. I know the song. I didn't recognize 0:01:14.280 --> 0:01:16.360 your version, but I know the song. Come on, I 0:01:16.400 --> 0:01:18.960 wasn't gonna join in. It was beautiful. I practice that 0:01:19.080 --> 0:01:27.080 thing about thousand dollars. Now, where's my check books? It's 0:01:27.080 --> 0:01:29.760 always the money with you, Gavi. It's always the money 0:01:29.760 --> 0:01:31.959 with you, buddy. I need a grotto. Well, I love 0:01:32.040 --> 0:01:34.039 the song, buddy, that was I tried my best. I 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:37.360 even took a singing lesson. Yeah, I did. I went 0:01:37.360 --> 0:01:41.400 to exercise class once upon a time. I appreciate that, buddy, 0:01:41.720 --> 0:01:44.920 same same team. We got the other dudes in house 0:01:44.959 --> 0:01:47.800 to Ryan, what's up, brother, good to be here, into 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:51.400 the mic. There we good to be here. Thank you, buddy. 0:01:51.400 --> 0:01:54.120 How's life with you? Life is good? Looking forward to 0:01:54.160 --> 0:01:56.760 our guest today. Yeah, we'll get to that in a moment. 0:01:56.760 --> 0:01:59.960 We got Dmitri, what's out, dude? How much you were 0:02:00.080 --> 0:02:02.920 perplexed by Ryan's It's just weird? Just I was. I 0:02:02.960 --> 0:02:04.720 thought I was trying to talking, and he just leaned 0:02:04.720 --> 0:02:07.520 back in. He's like, looking forward to our guests today, 0:02:07.640 --> 0:02:09.320 and it just seemed a little weird to me. Okay, 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:14.239 I was taken aback, Rick, what's up, buddy? Not being 0:02:14.240 --> 0:02:16.880 creepy is kind of cool sometimes just in the corner, 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:23.120 just looking at everybody else down. Uh. Well, last episode, gents, 0:02:23.160 --> 0:02:25.880 we had a dynamite episode. My wife Julianne Huff was 0:02:25.919 --> 0:02:29.920 on and the response from the listeners, from you guys 0:02:29.919 --> 0:02:32.760 listening has been absolutely insane. Has been our best episode yet, 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:36.519 absolutely incredible. Our inboxes filled up man at I heeart 0:02:36.600 --> 0:02:39.000 radio dot com. You sent so many questions and comments 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:42.000 about intimacy and that show, so we wanted to follow 0:02:42.160 --> 0:02:46.280 that show up with this show and with another special guest, 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:54.960 an intimacy expert, Lela de Ville is here for us. Lela, 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:58.440 thanks for having me, guys, thank you for coming. So 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:02.239 we like it, says your intimacy expert. And I'll be 0:03:02.280 --> 0:03:05.600 the first one to ask, what is an intimacy experts? Well, 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:13.000 I call myself sex an intimacy coach. So basically, I 0:03:13.160 --> 0:03:17.119 basically um equip people with the tools to discover their 0:03:17.160 --> 0:03:20.639 authentic expression and sex and how to deeply connect with 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:26.800 their partner. Wow. So I worked to really unravel and 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:29.960 unkink any kind of barriers that people are having to 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:35.760 towards intimacy and give them practices and tools to bring 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:39.000 into their partnership to deepen their experience of sex and 0:03:39.280 --> 0:03:43.520 deepen yeah connection. So do you work a How long 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:46.640 have you been in the field? It's I always get asked, so, 0:03:46.720 --> 0:03:49.200 how did you get into this into this field? And 0:03:49.200 --> 0:03:53.440 basically it it came from I wasn't like some sexual 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:56.840 goddess that was just inherently tapped into all the virtues 0:03:56.920 --> 0:04:02.600 of UM sexual connection. Basically I got into this field 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:22.240 and I was seventeen. Yeah A, sorry, So it was 0:04:22.279 --> 0:04:23.919 just an area that I really needed to work on 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:26.120 for myself. And it was about a decade in that 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:30.839 I realized that this wasn't it wasn't a personal failure 0:04:30.880 --> 0:04:33.159 of mine, but more of a gaping hole in society 0:04:33.200 --> 0:04:36.560 that wasn't being filled by anything meaningful UM. And so 0:04:37.120 --> 0:04:43.680 I started researching more UM, studying more, and then started 0:04:43.680 --> 0:04:47.640 to offer this as a service to UM to men 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:50.720 and women. So do you work with do you work with? Couples? 0:04:50.800 --> 0:04:53.320 Do you work with like if the the guy is 0:04:53.360 --> 0:04:56.600 having problem creating intimacy or having questions like how how 0:04:56.680 --> 0:04:58.880 was the process for our people listening? How was the process? 0:04:58.880 --> 0:05:02.960 Who contacts you? Uh? Is it couples seeking to work together? 0:05:03.040 --> 0:05:05.839 Individuals seeking to learn more about their partner? No, Usually 0:05:05.839 --> 0:05:09.279 it's the women reaching out to me, and so I 0:05:09.360 --> 0:05:12.760 am primarily these days work with women UM and I 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:15.960 choose to work with one on one before I work 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:20.359 with a couple UM because I feel like there's a 0:05:20.360 --> 0:05:21.960 lot of like inner work and a lot of like 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:26.520 wounds and barriers to intimacy and connection UM for the individual, 0:05:26.640 --> 0:05:29.200 and so I worked to to kind of unravel those 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:32.720 first before working with a couple, and I usually have 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:34.920 worked with the woman first. Goes back to what we 0:05:34.920 --> 0:05:37.320 were talking about last year about offering the best version 0:05:37.360 --> 0:05:40.440 of yourself to your partner and if you yourself are 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:44.800 fulfilled and happy and joyous that you can then offer 0:05:44.920 --> 0:05:48.200 something to your partner versus seeking something from your partner 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:50.599 to fill you up. I'll let you guys jump in 0:05:50.640 --> 0:05:53.160 with us. Guys, any questions for Leela? I kind a 0:05:53.240 --> 0:05:55.400 question do you do you find the majority of your 0:05:55.600 --> 0:06:01.599 your patients, your female clients patients UM clients clients UM 0:06:01.839 --> 0:06:04.919 are are are people who had some sort of abuse 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:09.000 issue or these this this has nothing to do fundamentally 0:06:09.040 --> 0:06:12.560 for the most part, it's not necessarily abuse based personality 0:06:12.560 --> 0:06:16.400 types that you and it No, it's not personality types 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:19.920 or people who have experienced anything in particular, it's really 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:24.640 women who are wanting to experience more than they're currently experiencing. 0:06:24.920 --> 0:06:27.839 There's nothing necessarily wrong even and what their experience. They 0:06:27.920 --> 0:06:30.800 just want more, you know, they're craving more. They're hungry 0:06:30.839 --> 0:06:33.680 for more in which way, a physical way, in an 0:06:33.680 --> 0:06:37.360 emotional way. Well it's a lighted thing, right. We usually think, oh, yeah, 0:06:37.760 --> 0:06:41.400 they want more sex, more, more intimacy, they want more connection, 0:06:41.480 --> 0:06:44.320 they want to feel more than what they're what they're 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:47.560 able to do on their own. So do they come 0:06:47.600 --> 0:06:51.240 in typically like thinking that it may be the partner's 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:54.120 fault at the beginning and saying like, oh, she's not 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:56.880 into me or or he's not into me or whatever 0:06:56.920 --> 0:06:59.600 that may be. Yea, sometimes I mean, I mean we're 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:03.599 quick to externalized generally in life. So you know, sometimes yeah, 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:05.320 there is all my partners doing this and I'm not 0:07:05.360 --> 0:07:08.760 attracted her anymore and I don't want it and there's 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:12.000 something wrong with him. But you know, and men do 0:07:12.080 --> 0:07:14.000 the same thing. She's not wanting to you know, we 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:18.120 do this and so um, I always guide people back 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:22.280 to themselves and work on that level first. And because 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:26.920 we're always evoking or as evoking from our partners. Um, 0:07:27.040 --> 0:07:31.720 we're evoking either closeness or distance where you know, this 0:07:31.800 --> 0:07:36.520 is this is how we relate. And what would be 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:38.800 kind of the first step that you would you would 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:41.280 kind of as you see a client, like you would 0:07:41.280 --> 0:07:43.880 take with that person. Obviously depending on what their cases 0:07:43.960 --> 0:07:46.840 or what they're they're looking for help with, you know, 0:07:46.920 --> 0:07:53.080 what would they what would you advise them? Um, it's 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:56.280 the first thing I generally do with anybody I'm working with, 0:07:56.440 --> 0:08:02.640 men or women is to unravel the preconceptions and mindsets 0:08:02.680 --> 0:08:05.760 they have around sexuality that are really preventing them from 0:08:05.800 --> 0:08:08.880 experiencing what they want to experience. So, you know, we 0:08:08.920 --> 0:08:11.880 have all these ideas around sex and four play and 0:08:11.880 --> 0:08:16.840 penetration that you know, like that sex is everything other 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:20.680 than penetration is for play, and it kind of makes 0:08:21.320 --> 0:08:25.040 penetration the main event of an experience, and a lot 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:27.920 of women are wanting something else other than that. They 0:08:27.960 --> 0:08:30.720 want that, but they want all the stuff beforehand. And 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:34.360 so if we're if we're just going directly to like 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:38.320 four play penetration in the end, it's it makes it 0:08:38.360 --> 0:08:40.920 a very narrow experience, and women are wanting to be 0:08:40.960 --> 0:08:43.320 moved in a different way other than just having the 0:08:43.440 --> 0:08:46.280 default thing play out in front of them. It almost 0:08:46.320 --> 0:08:49.959 seems like a transactional versus a connection, and orgasm has 0:08:50.000 --> 0:08:53.079 become like this trophy that we're just basically passing backwards 0:08:53.120 --> 0:08:56.760 and forwards between each other, reminding us that we're great lovers, 0:08:57.120 --> 0:09:00.719 you know. And I think there's just so more than 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:04.960 then these kind of mindsets that we've constructed around sex 0:09:05.000 --> 0:09:08.040 and how it should play out. Um, and so I 0:09:08.160 --> 0:09:12.839 work to kind of re kind of broaden the definitions 0:09:12.840 --> 0:09:16.200 of some of these terms and and to help women 0:09:16.280 --> 0:09:18.920 kind of try to articulate what it is they're actually seeking. 0:09:19.400 --> 0:09:21.760 You know, it's not you know, I'm a I'm a 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:24.439 sex and intimacy coach, but probably ten pc of what 0:09:24.480 --> 0:09:30.640 I do is technique based or the mechanics of sex. Yeah. Yeah, 0:09:30.679 --> 0:09:33.760 because it's really guiding someone into their instinct and how 0:09:33.800 --> 0:09:36.280 can they connect with themselves so they then can connect 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:38.240 with their partner. And this is a big one for 0:09:38.280 --> 0:09:41.880 the guys out there listening, because, um, you know, if 0:09:41.920 --> 0:09:45.600 you're not attuned to yourself, then you can't attune to 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:48.400 another person. If you can't feel what is going on 0:09:48.440 --> 0:09:51.760 in your body, and you're just like going into the default, 0:09:51.800 --> 0:09:55.959 and it's become performative and um, not even performative, but 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:58.720 you're just like you there's just a routine to it 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:03.600 where the touch is non santaneous. Then then you're not 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:06.760 connecting with the person who's with you. You're not able 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:10.120 to respond to her or him because you're just playing 0:10:10.120 --> 0:10:13.920 out this. Yeah exactly. I think that's an interesting thing 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:15.840 that you said, is that I think a lot of 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:17.839 people get to a point in a relationship where they think, 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:20.800 all right, well, if there's no orgasm, it was a failure. Yeah. 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:24.320 And you know, we have such a narrow definition of orgasm, 0:10:24.559 --> 0:10:27.440 especially for a woman. It's it's not the same like 0:10:27.480 --> 0:10:32.439 this probably is many different types of orgasm as there 0:10:32.480 --> 0:10:35.600 are women having them. You know, they don't necessarily look 0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:38.280 like what you've seen in porn or the media. It 0:10:38.960 --> 0:10:41.920 doesn't have to follow that trajectory, you know. And so 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:44.840 we're all seeking this one thing. And so that's what 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:47.840 I mean. I'm trying to unwind some of that, some 0:10:47.880 --> 0:10:51.480 of these definitions and strongholds that we have around what 0:10:51.559 --> 0:10:54.439 we want to experience sexually. Because for a woman, whether 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:57.200 she climaxes or not is not is not the thing, 0:10:57.400 --> 0:10:59.320 you know, she could use her vibrator and get off 0:10:59.720 --> 0:11:01.840 better then she could and quicker than she could with 0:11:01.880 --> 0:11:05.240 a man. Or She's seeking is something that's more trude 0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:08.360 at the moment and more of a play between her 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:11.839 and her partner. That's like most women want more true 0:11:11.880 --> 0:11:14.520 to the moment sex. I don't want to necessarily want 0:11:14.559 --> 0:11:17.800 one particular style or way of getting off. They just 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:20.199 want what's true to the moment. For the record, for 0:11:20.240 --> 0:11:21.880 what you said before, I'm actually a big fan of 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:24.760 the stuff that comes before. Yeah, you know that, that 0:11:24.840 --> 0:11:26.840 lead up and stuff. I think there's a lot still 0:11:26.840 --> 0:11:30.360 even by saying before, you're still saying that there's that 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:38.960 I will not um. I thought that's how you referred 0:11:38.960 --> 0:11:40.920 to you said before penetration. There's a lot of stuff 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:43.000 that can happen. That's why I use that phrasing. Hey, 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:47.840 sometimes I wish three defined for play to mean something 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:50.839 like we could call it core play, because if we're 0:11:50.880 --> 0:11:53.360 just going from A to B and then that's the end, 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:56.040 and there's all this there's a whole alphabet to explore. 0:11:56.040 --> 0:11:57.960 There's so much in there to explore, and so if 0:11:57.960 --> 0:11:59.960 we're just going for that one thing, what could be 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:03.080 some examples of that of instead of just four players, 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:06.040 I think we all know probably what that is. What 0:12:06.160 --> 0:12:08.160 could be some other examples of instead of a to 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:10.319 B and done, what could be a B, C, D. 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:15.600 Anything your imagination can think up. And that's real between 0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:19.080 your you and your partner that doesn't involve penetration. And 0:12:19.200 --> 0:12:23.280 is there ever a time that you, as a female 0:12:23.400 --> 0:12:26.160 or your clients want to skip the like? Are you 0:12:26.200 --> 0:12:28.760 saying that there's never a time when you just want 0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:32.120 to go straight? No? Totally, There totally is, but that's 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:38.480 the default. Absolutely sometimes. Yeah, we women want to be taken. 0:12:38.520 --> 0:12:42.160 They want that intensity, and a lot of the a 0:12:42.200 --> 0:12:44.080 lot of women don't want that all the time and 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:46.880 they want something else. But they want just what's true 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:49.160 in the moment and what is real. And but it 0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:52.719 takes connecting to yourself first as a man, so then 0:12:52.760 --> 0:12:54.960 you can then attune to yourself and then you can 0:12:55.000 --> 0:12:58.240 attune to your partner. So it's showing up with that 0:12:58.440 --> 0:13:00.840 full presence. That's the biggest gift that you can bring 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:05.240 as a man to a sexual UM encounter is your 0:13:05.280 --> 0:13:09.200 full presence so that you can respond. Wow. Okay, so 0:13:09.240 --> 0:13:12.160 we have a caller here that just called in UM 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:14.720 we have a listener who's willing to share her story 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:16.720 and we'd love Leela for you to chime in on this, 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:20.880 so can we bring her in? She's on with us. Hello, 0:13:21.200 --> 0:13:24.760 welcome to how men think. We appreciate you calling in 0:13:24.800 --> 0:13:28.040 and we appreciate you being vulnerable. Um. We won't require 0:13:28.040 --> 0:13:29.480 your name, we won't ask you to say your name, 0:13:29.520 --> 0:13:31.320 but we know you have a question. Can you please 0:13:31.360 --> 0:13:33.120 ask it? We have Leela here who's going to help 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:38.800 us answer it. Hi, Hi h. I have been married 0:13:39.080 --> 0:13:45.760 for over ten years and things aren't great. Don't communicate 0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:50.719 at all. There's like no intimacy, whether it's an emotional 0:13:50.840 --> 0:13:55.120 or physical, and I don't know what to do. Do 0:13:55.120 --> 0:14:00.520 you have a desire? Maybe let's start here. Is your 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:05.600 desired outcome of this? Are you? Are you? You're seeking 0:14:05.679 --> 0:14:09.880 more connection? You're seeking what would be the what would 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:16.480 be the desired outcome where your relationship would look like what? Well? 0:14:16.559 --> 0:14:20.080 I mean, I want to be in a relationship where 0:14:21.680 --> 0:14:27.160 I feel like my buckets being filled and we're having 0:14:27.200 --> 0:14:32.160 fun and connecting in a lot of different ways. Totally 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:35.240 here you and just a couple of questions I just 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:38.160 wanted to ask, just so I can get some perspective. Um, 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:42.280 do you have children, Yes, which makes it all much tougher. 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:48.360 And um, how long were you together before you had children? Um? 0:14:48.440 --> 0:14:52.560 Maybe like two years. We got pregnant, like six months 0:14:52.560 --> 0:14:56.560 after our wedding, Yeah, quick. And can can you remember 0:14:56.600 --> 0:15:00.080 a time where the intimacy and connection was there for you? 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:05.680 Well physically, I mean, I gotta say, it's never been 0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:08.920 like the greatest sex of my life. But I just 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:11.240 thought that maybe that didn't matter at a certain age 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:14.160 and the other stuff was more important, like being a 0:15:14.160 --> 0:15:18.760 great provider, being a great potential father, you know, things 0:15:18.840 --> 0:15:24.000 I thought stattered more. But now I realize it all matters. Yeah, 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:28.720 it does. And you know, desire doesn't remain constant through 0:15:29.320 --> 0:15:32.000 a lifetime, let alone day to day, week to week, 0:15:32.160 --> 0:15:36.000 moment to moment. So you know, as we transition through 0:15:36.560 --> 0:15:40.520 the different phases of womanhood and enter into motherhood, things 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:45.440 can drastically change. And one thing I really find with 0:15:46.120 --> 0:15:51.560 um with mothers is that, you know, sex becomes really 0:15:51.640 --> 0:15:55.280 undesirable when it is a place where you're always going 0:15:55.360 --> 0:15:57.680 to empty your cup. You know, it's not something that 0:15:57.760 --> 0:16:03.200 necessarily fills you up. And the usually what becomes glaringly 0:16:03.360 --> 0:16:06.880 apparent when you become a mother. Is that how much 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:12.320 you've been partner pleasing in your previous sexual experience before 0:16:12.360 --> 0:16:15.000 becoming a mother, because that just doesn't fly. When you 0:16:15.040 --> 0:16:17.600 become a mom, you know you're giving everywhere. You're giving, 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:22.680 giving to the family, giving to your kids, that maybe breastfeeding, 0:16:22.760 --> 0:16:24.840 and you know you're just given, given, giving. So if 0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:27.560 sex then is a place where you're continuing to give, 0:16:28.160 --> 0:16:31.280 then you're not going to desire it very much. And 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:33.520 I feel like to for me, like I'm a woman. 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:36.000 I can't just be expected to be at home all 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:39.080 day like doing laundry and that like take off my 0:16:39.400 --> 0:16:41.160 feel amazing that I didn't have you lay on top 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:43.040 of me, you know, like I need a little like 0:16:43.600 --> 0:16:46.200 emotional connection, like I'm a lady, you know that's what 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:50.600 I need. Absolutely. Can I ask a question, did you 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:53.280 have you ever had you said it was never great? 0:16:53.880 --> 0:16:57.280 Did you ever have instances or moments where you're like, oh, 0:16:57.480 --> 0:16:59.680 like there was a a little bit of it or 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:01.440 you thought this is what it is. Have you ever 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:04.800 had any even part of connection with your husband where 0:17:04.840 --> 0:17:06.119 you've been like this is what it is and you 0:17:06.200 --> 0:17:08.919 just can't recapture it or you never or have you 0:17:08.960 --> 0:17:12.520 never even felt it at all. I feel like there's 0:17:12.560 --> 0:17:16.000 like some performance stuff for him, and when we are 0:17:16.040 --> 0:17:18.720 doing it, he's like really in his own head and 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:21.919 he's not present with me, and so I can feel 0:17:22.000 --> 0:17:25.119 like the anxiety of like, oh what if I can't 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:27.520 do this? And so it just doesn't like I don't 0:17:27.520 --> 0:17:30.280 feel connected when we're doing it. So it just feels 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:33.320 very like, let's just get this over with on his 0:17:33.480 --> 0:17:37.240 end to like finish. But again, I'm a lady, I 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:40.880 need something different than that. So yeah, I just thought 0:17:40.880 --> 0:17:42.800 it would get better. I don't know, I don't know 0:17:42.840 --> 0:17:45.560 what I thought. I guess I wasn't thinking yea, And 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:49.040 know that you know this isn't like a failure of yours. 0:17:49.080 --> 0:17:51.880 It's there's a myths to think that this just happens naturally. 0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:54.840 That you know that in a good relationship, intimacy is 0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:57.399 just there. But I see it more as a skill, 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:01.080 and especially as a relationship continues, it's a skill that 0:18:01.119 --> 0:18:04.600 you develop and it's something that you also have to prioritize. 0:18:05.160 --> 0:18:08.600 So you know, if you're in like a sex rut um, 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:12.480 that there definitely needs to be a conversation um that 0:18:12.600 --> 0:18:14.560 has to be had, and I want you to know 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:18.920 that anything that you want to communicate can be communicated, 0:18:19.400 --> 0:18:22.000 um in a way that is effective and that doesn't 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:26.360 make someone feel bad and doesn't like diminish um their 0:18:26.400 --> 0:18:28.320 self self esteem. And I think that's one of the 0:18:28.359 --> 0:18:31.960 main reasons why women choose not to communicate within their 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:37.240 relationship is if afraid of crushing crushing the ego and um, 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:40.240 there is a way, and the way usually is to 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:43.160 have a conversation and to state, like what your intention 0:18:43.320 --> 0:18:46.479 is and what you want more of, and it comes 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:49.720 from you know, I would like more of this. I 0:18:49.760 --> 0:18:52.960 remember or I remember a time when when it was 0:18:53.040 --> 0:18:56.240 like this, and I would really love to experience more 0:18:56.320 --> 0:18:58.720 of that. Or if or if you've been partner pleasing 0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:01.960 your whole life and always been about a man's pleasure, 0:19:02.359 --> 0:19:05.840 then it might be that you want to discover your 0:19:06.080 --> 0:19:08.640 your pleasure and you would like his help to do that, 0:19:09.000 --> 0:19:10.880 And there's I want you to know that that's going 0:19:10.920 --> 0:19:15.200 to make him feel that Like a man is usually 0:19:15.440 --> 0:19:18.560 very wrapped up in their partner's pleasure, like that's what 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:20.760 makes him feel like the best love it. You guys 0:19:20.840 --> 0:19:24.640 can maybe attest to this, but like that I don't 0:19:24.640 --> 0:19:27.000 think he's like that at all. Like he's so like 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:31.000 he's funny about it, Like he's so like I was 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:32.840 never like that before I met him. I was very 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:36.959 open and he's like super embarrassed about it. I don't know. 0:19:37.119 --> 0:19:41.560 It's like, well, which is like totally normal. And where 0:19:41.600 --> 0:19:44.200 we've we you know, where we've all learned from sex 0:19:44.240 --> 0:19:46.879 from you know, there's there's usually a lot of shame, 0:19:46.960 --> 0:19:49.000 but at the core of it, I can tell you 0:19:49.240 --> 0:19:53.040 that usually a man is very invested in their partner's 0:19:53.040 --> 0:19:55.760 pleasure and and maybe if you haven't been having sex 0:19:55.800 --> 0:20:00.080 for quite some time, then you know that he his 0:20:00.720 --> 0:20:04.320 sense of his masculinity is so diminished that he needs 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:06.600 a bit of a build up. Can can I ask 0:20:06.680 --> 0:20:14.720 you a hard question? Um, we're do you have previous 0:20:14.800 --> 0:20:20.719 relationships that were better that maybe you're relating the experience 0:20:20.720 --> 0:20:23.960 of sex too, and that maybe he's just not as 0:20:24.520 --> 0:20:28.600 strong in that department as maybe previously. I mean, I 0:20:28.720 --> 0:20:31.919 definitely think that when we met, I was like I 0:20:31.960 --> 0:20:34.240 had had my heartbroken by the person that I thought 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:37.959 was the love of my life, and you know, I 0:20:38.000 --> 0:20:41.240 don't know if I was fully over that relationship, and 0:20:42.160 --> 0:20:44.280 you know, he was so nice and he was easy 0:20:44.280 --> 0:20:46.480 to be with, and we were like really good friends, 0:20:46.320 --> 0:20:49.439 and so I just kind of put my blinders on 0:20:49.800 --> 0:20:51.840 and I put my head to the grind and I 0:20:51.880 --> 0:20:55.640 was like, all, Kay, this works. So would you say 0:20:55.680 --> 0:20:58.160 would you say would you say now that you are 0:20:58.280 --> 0:21:02.040 over that relationship or is that still somewhat present in 0:21:02.080 --> 0:21:06.040 your mind sometimes? I mean not on a daily basis, 0:21:06.080 --> 0:21:09.600 but I mean, of course, it's definitely something like if 0:21:09.640 --> 0:21:11.680 you don't have closure on something, you're always going to 0:21:11.840 --> 0:21:17.520 like wonder. But um, have you communicated to him? Because 0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:20.320 from a man standpoint, just like when my wife, when 0:21:20.359 --> 0:21:22.960 my wife tells me something that she would like me 0:21:23.080 --> 0:21:25.280 to do sexually or in the bedroom, or something she 0:21:25.359 --> 0:21:28.840 doesn't like that I do, I'm very receptive of it 0:21:29.000 --> 0:21:32.680 because of one how my wife delivers it. She delivers 0:21:32.720 --> 0:21:37.040 it very genuinely and and in such a way that 0:21:37.080 --> 0:21:42.119 I'm very receptive. Um, have you communicated clearly what he 0:21:42.480 --> 0:21:45.200 might not be doing well, or what he's doing that's 0:21:45.480 --> 0:21:48.760 not turning you on, or have those kinds of discussions 0:21:48.880 --> 0:21:51.520 From a man standpoint, we are open to those. Um, 0:21:51.560 --> 0:21:54.639 if he is a confident man, he won't take that 0:21:54.720 --> 0:21:56.560 as a blow to his ego and for other listeners, 0:21:56.600 --> 0:21:58.199 if you have a partner, you're saying, I can't Can 0:21:58.200 --> 0:22:00.800 I bring this up with my partner? Yeah, we love 0:22:01.080 --> 0:22:03.000 like I love my wife, So I want my wife 0:22:03.040 --> 0:22:05.320 to feel safe enough to be able to bring up 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:09.240 any sort of conversation that she wants, especially with intimacy 0:22:09.280 --> 0:22:12.119 and sex. So have you had communication with him in 0:22:12.119 --> 0:22:16.760 that regard? Put his hands in places and I told 0:22:16.840 --> 0:22:18.080 him what I like and I don't like. But I 0:22:18.080 --> 0:22:19.919 think part of the part of our problem is we 0:22:20.000 --> 0:22:24.320 don't have the emotional intimacy to make the physical intimacy 0:22:24.560 --> 0:22:27.720 a safe place, you know what I mean, we don't 0:22:27.760 --> 0:22:31.840 have like, but he's not the person I would go 0:22:31.960 --> 0:22:34.159 to first, like. I don't know. I mean, we just 0:22:34.200 --> 0:22:37.040 don't have the emotional intimacy that you need to have 0:22:37.200 --> 0:22:40.200 that be what happens in the bed room. I think 0:22:40.320 --> 0:22:42.119 is part of the problem. Are you in love with 0:22:42.200 --> 0:22:47.840 him anymore? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. That's a 0:22:47.840 --> 0:22:51.200 tough question because there's like, there's usually so many layers, 0:22:51.840 --> 0:22:54.920 so many liers. That's that question. It's just hard. I 0:22:55.240 --> 0:22:59.600 feel like, you know, we're just also I'm in my worries, 0:22:59.760 --> 0:23:02.359 so you know, I'm kind of like women their forties 0:23:02.440 --> 0:23:04.080 kind of like get it all together and we're like 0:23:04.200 --> 0:23:06.560 figuring stuff out, and I feel like we kind of 0:23:06.560 --> 0:23:09.399 wake up a little bit, and I just feel like 0:23:09.400 --> 0:23:13.840 we're going in different directions and it's not helping any 0:23:13.880 --> 0:23:16.359 of the other stuff. And I think it's I think 0:23:16.400 --> 0:23:18.760