1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,519 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, well, welcome back to the show. Welcome back 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:07,560 Speaker 1: to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are 3 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:09,760 Speaker 1: in the world, it is so great to have you 4 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 1: here back for another episode as we of course break 5 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:17,560 Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. It is great to 6 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:21,600 Speaker 1: have you here for a very special topic in my mind. 7 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:26,600 Speaker 1: Two years ago, I did an episode on whether x's 8 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: could be friends, and during that episode I brought on 9 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:35,440 Speaker 1: my ex boyfriend. If you have been around for a while, 10 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:41,240 Speaker 1: you probably remember this episode. And this is the first 11 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:44,199 Speaker 1: ever time that I have gone back to an episode 12 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:47,159 Speaker 1: from the archives, back to one that I recorded, you know, 13 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: almost two years ago, and decided to redo it. Decided 14 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,880 Speaker 1: to basically say, you know what, I think that I 15 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 1: was wrong. I don't think that what I said in 16 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 1: that episode. The points that I made are entirely true, 17 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:06,600 Speaker 1: mature are actually what I believe in anymore. And so 18 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: today I want to redo that episode, this time without 19 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:14,319 Speaker 1: my ex boyfriend, because we are no longer friends, and 20 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,280 Speaker 1: we haven't been friends actually since that episode came out. 21 00:01:18,319 --> 00:01:20,960 Speaker 1: I haven't spoken to him for since that episode came out, 22 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,000 Speaker 1: and you know, it just felt kind of strange to 23 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:28,960 Speaker 1: have this episode on the podcast, making these huge claims 24 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,880 Speaker 1: that it's mature to stay friends with your X, that 25 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,960 Speaker 1: it's possible, like look at us, We've done it, when 26 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 1: actually the reality of what happened after that was entirely 27 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:46,639 Speaker 1: to the contrary and entirely not true. That episode actually 28 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 1: essentially meant that our friendship or whatever it was ended, 29 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 1: And I'm not going to go into specific details, but 30 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:59,760 Speaker 1: it was definitely a lesson for me around the truth 31 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,120 Speaker 1: that people are telling you can be a different truth 32 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,360 Speaker 1: for other people, Like they could be telling you one 33 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:09,760 Speaker 1: thing and telling other people something different. And it actually 34 00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 1: ended up causing me a lot of pain, like the 35 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 1: aftermath of that episode, and yeah, not really realizing that 36 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 1: he hadn't been entirely honest with me. There were things 37 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,799 Speaker 1: that he hadn't told me, And to this day, it 38 00:02:22,919 --> 00:02:26,200 Speaker 1: still kind of upsets me that I like kind of 39 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:30,160 Speaker 1: gave that relationship a platform when it was definitely not 40 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:34,680 Speaker 1: a perfect relationship. We definitely did not have a perfect friendship. 41 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,680 Speaker 1: You know, I thought we were friends. I think he 42 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: thought something differently, and so it kind of came around 43 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,560 Speaker 1: the time too, you know, not to go into any 44 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:44,720 Speaker 1: specific reasons, but after thinking about it for a while. 45 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:46,639 Speaker 1: I was like, you know what, I think it's time 46 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:50,960 Speaker 1: that we we do this again. And it was the 47 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 1: aftermath of that episode. The irony is, you know, definitely 48 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 1: obvious to me here. That really proved to me that 49 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,400 Speaker 1: I actually don't think X's can be friends. I think 50 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,919 Speaker 1: that the relationship that you have with your ex ended 51 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,600 Speaker 1: for a reason, and that reason is probably just as 52 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:10,480 Speaker 1: good of a reason as to why you wouldn't want 53 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 1: to be friends with that person anyways. Of course, you know, 54 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 1: there are definitely exceptions to what I'm saying, but if 55 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 1: you've ever seen the film, he's just not that into you. 56 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,560 Speaker 1: There is a line in that movie, a very famous 57 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: line that typically, for most of us, we are the exception. 58 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,960 Speaker 1: We are not the rule, and maybe that's why we 59 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,800 Speaker 1: should be. And when it comes to being friends with 60 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 1: your ex I think the rule is genuinely and generally 61 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:40,040 Speaker 1: that's not a good idea. And perhaps this is a 62 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 1: hard pill for you to swallow, especially if you are 63 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 1: just fresh out of a relationship. You're trying to find 64 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 1: a way to kind of maintain a friendship because you 65 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,200 Speaker 1: don't want to lose them, You're not ready to move on. 66 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,240 Speaker 1: I would really encourage you to keep listening, even if 67 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: what we talk about in today's episode isn't necessarily what 68 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: you want to hear. You know, in my mind, I 69 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 1: think the friendships that we try and maintain with our exes, 70 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,520 Speaker 1: they all reach a breaking point sooner or later, and 71 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,560 Speaker 1: you can believe that you are friends, you can try 72 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 1: and be friends, you can convince yourself that you are, 73 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,000 Speaker 1: but only up to a point, and then you just 74 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,680 Speaker 1: kind of have to face the facts. I think, like 75 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:22,720 Speaker 1: any friendship, there are ups and downs, but a friendship 76 00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:26,200 Speaker 1: with your ex, especially someone that you once loved, that 77 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: you were once romantically attracted to sexually attracted to, there 78 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 1: are definitely more downs than ups when it comes to 79 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:37,760 Speaker 1: those kinds of friendships, and it ends up impacting every 80 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:39,800 Speaker 1: other aspect of our lives, like who we go on 81 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:44,360 Speaker 1: to date, how we see ourselves, jealousy, resentments so much 82 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 1: more so, today we are going to break down exactly 83 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 1: why it is that my mind has been changed, what 84 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,120 Speaker 1: some of the research has to say about the nature 85 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 1: of a friendship between ex'es, and why it's probably not 86 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:01,840 Speaker 1: a good idea based on principles of traction and social psychology, 87 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:07,479 Speaker 1: but also the you're often deeply emotional reasons that we 88 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 1: try and convince ourselves that we can be the exception 89 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:15,719 Speaker 1: and ultimately the consequences of that. I also do want 90 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 1: to talk about the instances where you might not have 91 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 1: a choice. You're in the same friendship group, you co parent, 92 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,280 Speaker 1: you work together, you run a business, you share assets, 93 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,520 Speaker 1: whatever it is, there are situations where it's you know, 94 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,039 Speaker 1: it's not up to us. How exactly can we work 95 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 1: through those unique circumstances the best that we can. You know, 96 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,919 Speaker 1: since that first episode came out, so many of you 97 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,480 Speaker 1: have reached out to me and wanted to follow up, 98 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,359 Speaker 1: and they you know, you've wanted to know whether my 99 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 1: opinion has changed. It most certainly has, and I've definitely 100 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 1: also become more informed, both through experience and also just 101 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,360 Speaker 1: a deeper look at what's factual and what's evidence based. 102 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 1: So hopefully I can bestow some of that wisdom onto 103 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:05,720 Speaker 1: you without further ado, Let's get into the nitty gritty 104 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 1: of maintaining a friendship with your ex and why that's 105 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:17,320 Speaker 1: probably not always going to be a good idea. I 106 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 1: feel as if a lot of us end a relationship 107 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 1: with this hope that we can stay friends. You know, 108 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,600 Speaker 1: it's almost a bit of a cliche that you hear 109 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: a lot. You know, yeah, we broke up, but we're 110 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,840 Speaker 1: gonna stay friends. We're going to try and stay friends. 111 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:34,440 Speaker 1: Who amongst that hasn't said that before, and I'm obviously included, 112 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960 Speaker 1: very much included in that boat. We have this real 113 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,359 Speaker 1: sense that we can kind of keep things friendly and 114 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,840 Speaker 1: still you know, remain in each other's lives. Despite all 115 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:47,039 Speaker 1: of those who have tried before us, we can be 116 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,560 Speaker 1: the exception. And I think primarily the reason we think 117 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:53,240 Speaker 1: that is because the idea of going from a relationship 118 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:57,800 Speaker 1: to a friendship is a lot easier to digest than 119 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 1: going from a relationship to thing that leap into the 120 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:06,880 Speaker 1: abyss just kind of feels way too mentally painful for 121 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 1: us to grasp onto in the midst of a lot 122 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 1: of other feelings. The notion, you know, that this person 123 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,280 Speaker 1: could suddenly not be in our lives anymore when they 124 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,320 Speaker 1: were probably one of the most important people to us 125 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,560 Speaker 1: only a few hours, a few days, a few weeks ago. 126 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: That is really really horrifying. It's a big adjustment. Of course, 127 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,200 Speaker 1: you know, if an X cheated, if something horrific happened. 128 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 1: If there was like an all out explosion, it's a 129 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 1: lot easier to make that call and to just be like, 130 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:37,080 Speaker 1: I never want to see that person again, because their 131 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,040 Speaker 1: true colors, you know, are very very real. In that moment, 132 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,960 Speaker 1: there is no forgiveness, there is no moving on. But 133 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,680 Speaker 1: in those relationships when nothing drastic has happened, you know, 134 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:51,680 Speaker 1: it's more of a slow realization. That's where you get 135 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:55,200 Speaker 1: into trouble. The kind of breakups that I think best 136 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 1: lend us to believing that we can stay friends with 137 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:02,440 Speaker 1: our ex's of firstly those in which we were friends 138 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:05,720 Speaker 1: to begin with. You know, if you were if you 139 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:11,280 Speaker 1: initially had that foundation of platonic intimacy, I think moving 140 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,600 Speaker 1: into a romantic space and then having to exit it 141 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:18,760 Speaker 1: and maybe losing that friendship as well, it's just such 142 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:24,080 Speaker 1: a loss. However, I do think that once you have 143 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:28,920 Speaker 1: a romantic relationship with someone, the very core, the very 144 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,520 Speaker 1: nature of that relationship has been changed. It's a different 145 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,120 Speaker 1: dynamic now. It's never going to be the same. And 146 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 1: that's something that we all kind of have to, you know, 147 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: accept or expect when we first start dating a friend. 148 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 1: Once you move into that territory, I think it's very 149 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 1: hard to exit it in a way that is not 150 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,800 Speaker 1: painful and in which no one's going to be hurt. 151 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,199 Speaker 1: Another example I think of the kinds of relationships where 152 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: we really think we can stay friends with someone is 153 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:03,800 Speaker 1: when the relationship is just I often think that, you know, 154 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,319 Speaker 1: when it's just kind of like, oh, I don't really 155 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,040 Speaker 1: have feelings for you anymore. Yeah, I mean neither. You're 156 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,080 Speaker 1: kind of like, okay, well maybe we're better off as friends. 157 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:14,239 Speaker 1: But suddenly, and I see this a lot in the aftermath, 158 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,680 Speaker 1: this person is like more exciting to you. You know, 159 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,280 Speaker 1: while you're in a relationship with them, you didn't have 160 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:24,520 Speaker 1: feelings for them, things were fading, but then suddenly they're 161 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:30,720 Speaker 1: off limits. Suddenly it's exciting. It's known in psychology as 162 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:35,720 Speaker 1: reactance theory. This sense that when we feel like we're 163 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 1: about to lose something, or we're not going to have 164 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:42,559 Speaker 1: the same access to something, or our freedom around something 165 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,360 Speaker 1: is about to be limited. I you can no longer 166 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,560 Speaker 1: call them, text them, cuddle them, be with them. When 167 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:51,360 Speaker 1: we finally start to realize that that they're off limits, 168 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:56,080 Speaker 1: this often causes us to almost try harder to bring 169 00:09:56,120 --> 00:10:01,040 Speaker 1: the relationship back or to restore what we had, because 170 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 1: there is this very natural and psychological aversion to loss. 171 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,920 Speaker 1: I have a friend who's going through this at the moment. 172 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,280 Speaker 1: You know, she was with her ex for a couple 173 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,960 Speaker 1: of years, and she basically confessed that she had really 174 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,679 Speaker 1: just lost feelings for him. She didn't see him in 175 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,480 Speaker 1: a romantic way anymore. And then they broke up and 176 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,960 Speaker 1: suddenly she was like, well, this whole wave of feelings 177 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:27,760 Speaker 1: suddenly hit me again. And now they're kind of sleeping 178 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: with each other, they're doing all these things that they 179 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,920 Speaker 1: used to do in the early days of their relationship. 180 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,760 Speaker 1: And I kind of said to her very lovingly, of course, 181 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 1: I was like, you can either trust the version of 182 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:42,920 Speaker 1: yourself three months ago, who knew that this wasn't what 183 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:47,040 Speaker 1: you wanted and who knew the relationship wasn't right. You 184 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,280 Speaker 1: can also trust the version of you in six months 185 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,440 Speaker 1: from now, who's likely going to be thinking the same thing. 186 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,120 Speaker 1: Or you can try it out. You can try and 187 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,880 Speaker 1: get back together. You can try and see if this 188 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:01,160 Speaker 1: pseudo friendship slash kind of relationship is going to and 189 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 1: you can learn whatever lesson you need to learn from that. 190 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 1: But I don't think that that's going to be the 191 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,760 Speaker 1: outcome that you want. And maybe I sound like a cynic, 192 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,880 Speaker 1: but I think when we have only been broken up 193 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,520 Speaker 1: with someone for a little while, trying to be friends 194 00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 1: with them, the only recent memory of them that we 195 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,960 Speaker 1: have is in a romantic sense. So we're going to 196 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,959 Speaker 1: fall back into that pattern of recreating and rehearsing all 197 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,600 Speaker 1: the romantic actions and feelings that we used to have 198 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:34,640 Speaker 1: for each other, because that is what you can access 199 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,679 Speaker 1: the easiest, that is the most present and recent thing 200 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:41,160 Speaker 1: in your memory. I think the final situation where we 201 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,000 Speaker 1: try and be friends with an X, and this was 202 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,680 Speaker 1: my situation, is where you both kind of ended the 203 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:50,160 Speaker 1: relationship being like, we just need to work in ourselves. 204 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,679 Speaker 1: That's the reason that we can't be together. You know, 205 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:58,160 Speaker 1: nothing was explicitly wrong about the relationship itself. It's just 206 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,920 Speaker 1: that neither of you are really your best people in 207 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 1: those circumstances, so you choose to stay friends. That is 208 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,680 Speaker 1: basically what happened to me with the exit I brought 209 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:11,760 Speaker 1: on the podcast, and slowly over time I realized that 210 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 1: this idea that you know, we just needed to work 211 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 1: on ourselves. It's not that we weren't right for each other. 212 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:21,199 Speaker 1: It's just that we were both in different spaces. That 213 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,320 Speaker 1: wasn't actually the reason that we broke up. That was 214 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:28,600 Speaker 1: just the reason that was easiest to tell myself at least, 215 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:33,559 Speaker 1: And what I ended up realizing was, you know, if 216 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:37,080 Speaker 1: I couldn't be my best self in a relationship with 217 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: this person, if it was the case that I didn't 218 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,600 Speaker 1: feel supported, they didn't make me better, they didn't make 219 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,839 Speaker 1: me brighter, such that I felt I needed to leave 220 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: the relationship in order to achieve those things. What was 221 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:55,160 Speaker 1: a friendship with him going to provide me that was different? Why? 222 00:12:55,679 --> 00:12:57,560 Speaker 1: You know, why did I need him to still be 223 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 1: in my life? If when he was incredibly present in 224 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 1: my life, my life actually wasn't that great. It's a 225 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 1: really interesting thing to realize. And inevitably, there was this 226 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 1: influence that he definitely had over my life that extended 227 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,640 Speaker 1: into our friendship that ended up creating so much chaos 228 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,360 Speaker 1: and so much sadness and so much just like anger 229 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,880 Speaker 1: for so many people that I think really revealed to 230 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,800 Speaker 1: me that the reason I was telling myself was not 231 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: the true reason. Of course, when you were bonded with someone, 232 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,000 Speaker 1: when you share core memories with them, it's very hard 233 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,280 Speaker 1: as well to recover from losing that important connection overnight. 234 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:41,960 Speaker 1: As humans, connection is the thing that just means the 235 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 1: most to us in some ways, we have a natural 236 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 1: tendency to not want to lose that. So it's going 237 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: to be painful, it's going to be hard. But aiming 238 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,360 Speaker 1: for a friendship, in my mind, is like putting a 239 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,720 Speaker 1: band aid on a bullet hole. Like not to use 240 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 1: an outdated metaphor, but it's a bullet hole that you 241 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,280 Speaker 1: are actually going to have to look at it some stage. 242 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,480 Speaker 1: The band aid is not healing it, it's just hiding it. 243 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 1: Something I have really taken from my past relationships is 244 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,679 Speaker 1: that when you pursue a friendship, you are actually just 245 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 1: delaying your heartbreak by demoting the relationship rather than ending it. 246 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 1: And I just want to say that one more time. 247 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:25,000 Speaker 1: You are delaying your heartbreak by demoting the relationship rather 248 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: than ending it when you know you should. You're basically 249 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,040 Speaker 1: putting off the inevitability that this relationship was not right 250 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,520 Speaker 1: for a reason, and that there is a reason you 251 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,960 Speaker 1: shouldn't be in each other's lives. You can either experience 252 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:41,800 Speaker 1: that right now and then in six months time healed 253 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 1: feel better. About it, or you can spend the next 254 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 1: six months trying to be friends with that person and 255 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:53,080 Speaker 1: just delay that grieving process, that healing process. The feelings 256 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:56,400 Speaker 1: and the reactions that are associated with heartbreak, they aren't 257 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 1: going to change. It just depends on when you experience them, 258 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 1: if you experienced them. So that's my opinion. You can't 259 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,920 Speaker 1: be friends with your ex. It's not possible. It's a 260 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:09,520 Speaker 1: bad idea. What is my evidence for that? Well, we 261 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,160 Speaker 1: are going to talk about all of that and so 262 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 1: much more after this shortbreak. For such a strong opinion, 263 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,160 Speaker 1: I think you guys would know that I have some 264 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,440 Speaker 1: evidence for holding this belief. You know, I'm not one 265 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,120 Speaker 1: to just say something and be like, yep, and that's 266 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,240 Speaker 1: true because I believe it and so it must be. 267 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 1: But there is a lot of evidence. There is a 268 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 1: lot of psychology. There have been a lot of recent 269 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 1: research papers that have pointed to, you know, the difficulty, 270 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:44,840 Speaker 1: the innate difficulty of transitioning a romantic relationship into a 271 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:48,880 Speaker 1: platonic friendship. The first reason why this is so hard 272 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,600 Speaker 1: is that often some form of romantic attachment still remains, 273 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,760 Speaker 1: and this means that you are going to find it 274 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:58,320 Speaker 1: really hard to move on and pursue not only a 275 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:03,160 Speaker 1: new relationship, so fully embrace your single life whilst the 276 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,760 Speaker 1: kind of lingering presence of your ex as a friend remains. So. 277 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:11,960 Speaker 1: There was a twenty seventeen study conducted by researchers from 278 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,120 Speaker 1: the Department of Psychology at the University of Kansas. By 279 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,320 Speaker 1: the way, the University of Kansas has an amazing psychology department. 280 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,680 Speaker 1: I've been realizing this from all the really cool research 281 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: they are putting out. I don't know why I felt 282 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,920 Speaker 1: the need to say that, but just I'm loving what 283 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:29,520 Speaker 1: they're doing at the moment. They put out this research paper, 284 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:34,440 Speaker 1: and in this paper they found that when lingering romantic 285 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,880 Speaker 1: or sexual desires to exist, is really challenging to push 286 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:44,040 Speaker 1: those feelings aside in favor of a friendship, and most 287 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,120 Speaker 1: people actually find themselves returning to those feelings time and 288 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 1: time again, even if they believe that it's no longer 289 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 1: the case for them, even if they're like, no, no, 290 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,080 Speaker 1: I'm totally over it, it's hard to unlan that association. 291 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 1: As a result of that, participants really report ordered that 292 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,800 Speaker 1: it had become very difficult for them to imagine themselves 293 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:07,080 Speaker 1: with someone else. They they found it difficult to connect 294 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:11,480 Speaker 1: with new people when they were actively dating, and it 295 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,720 Speaker 1: also resulted in some pretty obsessive behaviors. So even though 296 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,560 Speaker 1: people were like, yeah, yeah, I'm just friends with my ex, 297 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,720 Speaker 1: do you know they're nothing more than just a friend, 298 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,959 Speaker 1: they would check on them on social media more than 299 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 1: they would do with their other regular friends. They would 300 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,400 Speaker 1: message them when they knew they shouldn't. They weren't able 301 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,640 Speaker 1: to stop thinking about them. When you have this friendship 302 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,679 Speaker 1: with an ex, I think it limits your ability to 303 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:39,400 Speaker 1: fully move on, and with that, it limits your ability 304 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:44,040 Speaker 1: to eventually find someone better, find a more successful relationship, 305 00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:49,000 Speaker 1: find a relationship that is right for you. Firstly because 306 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,240 Speaker 1: our mind is constantly in a state of comparing our 307 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,960 Speaker 1: current partner with our previous partner, but also because that 308 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,840 Speaker 1: friendship and the exact specifics of it can create tension 309 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,760 Speaker 1: in a new relationship. You know, think about think about 310 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,320 Speaker 1: it this way. You go on a first date with 311 00:18:07,359 --> 00:18:10,960 Speaker 1: someone and you're really getting along and they're just amazing, 312 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,440 Speaker 1: and you go on a few more dates and it's 313 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:16,800 Speaker 1: just working. On like the fourth or fifth day, they say, oh, 314 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 1: come and meet my friends, and you meet their friends. 315 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:23,320 Speaker 1: You like, pull up to their place, and he goes, oh, 316 00:18:23,359 --> 00:18:26,879 Speaker 1: this is my friend Jessica. Actually we dated for three years, 317 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:30,320 Speaker 1: but you know we're just friends now. Would that make 318 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:35,720 Speaker 1: you insecure? Would that make you question things? I think 319 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,640 Speaker 1: that it would. You might say that it wouldn't, and 320 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,399 Speaker 1: you know what, you're a much better person than me. 321 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,800 Speaker 1: It would bother me. And when you maintain a relationship 322 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,399 Speaker 1: with your ex, you're making it so that you are 323 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,119 Speaker 1: the partner in that situation, making it very difficult for 324 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:52,199 Speaker 1: anybody new to not feel like there is some competition 325 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:55,240 Speaker 1: that they have to crack you, that there is mistrust, 326 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: and there is that addition of retroactive jealousy, right, feeling 327 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,800 Speaker 1: jealous over previous relationships, and kind of like a resentment 328 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,639 Speaker 1: and a questioning like are they lingering feelings? Do I 329 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,760 Speaker 1: have something to worry about? And that kind of doubt 330 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:15,000 Speaker 1: is not something that is particularly helpful in the early 331 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 1: days of a new relationship. When you maintain a relationship 332 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,679 Speaker 1: with your ex, what you were essentially doing is putting 333 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,480 Speaker 1: any new person who wants to walk in to your life. 334 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,280 Speaker 1: You're putting them through that experiment, You're putting them through 335 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 1: those line of questionings, and it can actually really sabotage 336 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,399 Speaker 1: your chances of future love. So another study, because they 337 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:40,119 Speaker 1: are actually a surprisingly wonderful amount of studies on relationships 338 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:44,600 Speaker 1: between X and that transition into friendship. This study was 339 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,119 Speaker 1: conducted a bit earlier in twenty twelve, and it was 340 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:50,880 Speaker 1: published in the Journal of Social Psychology and I Think 341 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 1: Personality Science. It examined how lingering attachment to ex partners 342 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:02,080 Speaker 1: goes on to affect your current really relationships. So they 343 00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:05,480 Speaker 1: conducted this longitudinal study and it followed a group of 344 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,919 Speaker 1: individuals who had recently gone through a breakup over a 345 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:12,879 Speaker 1: six month period as they entered a new relationship, and 346 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,480 Speaker 1: they asked them at two month intervals to report how 347 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,600 Speaker 1: they felt about their current relationship with this new person, 348 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,679 Speaker 1: how was it going, were they happy? Was all well? 349 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,640 Speaker 1: And then they also had to report whether they still 350 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:31,520 Speaker 1: felt any lingering emotional attachment to their ex partner. Unsurprisingly, 351 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,359 Speaker 1: the more attached someone felt to an ex the more 352 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:40,520 Speaker 1: their current relationship suffered. There was even an indication for 353 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:44,240 Speaker 1: some that maybe the new partner was just a substitute 354 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:48,320 Speaker 1: for their old partner and that just never feels nice. 355 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 1: I don't want to be that person for someone, so 356 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:54,119 Speaker 1: I don't want to make someone that person for me, 357 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:59,560 Speaker 1: And I think this research in particular really indicates why 358 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:04,000 Speaker 1: you need space, why you need boundaries. Yes, you might 359 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:08,159 Speaker 1: have unfinished business relating to children, work, friendship, but that 360 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,159 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you guys need to be friends, and 361 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,840 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that they have to have a continuing 362 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,600 Speaker 1: active role in your life. Let's also be you know, 363 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaker 1: just completely honest with ourselves here for a second. Is 364 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,360 Speaker 1: this really going to be a good friendship? Your friendship 365 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,600 Speaker 1: with your ex? Is that going to be the same 366 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,399 Speaker 1: kind of friendship you have with your girlfriends or your 367 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:31,240 Speaker 1: close mates. They may have been a great partner, you know, 368 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:35,440 Speaker 1: it might have just not worked out. But a despite 369 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,920 Speaker 1: you thinking that you guys could be friends, you never 370 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,000 Speaker 1: know what someone else is thinking. So even if you 371 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: have mentally moved into the entirely platonic realm, you cannot 372 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,919 Speaker 1: always tell if they have. That's something that I learned. 373 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:53,600 Speaker 1: But b they aren't really your friend. Are they the 374 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:57,960 Speaker 1: way that you would interact with your real friends. I 375 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:01,479 Speaker 1: think that there is a natural difference there, and the 376 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,119 Speaker 1: best way to realize that is using this really simple 377 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,800 Speaker 1: thought exercise. Imagine that they get a new boyfriend, and 378 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:11,280 Speaker 1: your girlfriend a new partner. Would your friendship still be 379 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: the exact same that it is right now? Could you 380 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:17,080 Speaker 1: still ask them for the same things. Could you go 381 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,320 Speaker 1: to them for the same level of support? You know, 382 00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 1: would it change if they got a new partner. I 383 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:28,119 Speaker 1: think it definitely would. It most certainly would, because you've 384 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:31,119 Speaker 1: fulfilled a specific role for them, the role of a 385 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,240 Speaker 1: romantic partner, and for most of us, that is a 386 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:36,760 Speaker 1: limited position that can only be filled by one person. 387 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,840 Speaker 1: That's not the same as a friendship, is it. You know, 388 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 1: you can have amazing friends who will, hopefully you will 389 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:47,000 Speaker 1: always be able to trust, who who love you, who 390 00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:52,280 Speaker 1: care about you, and that friendship those organic, normal, natural friendships. 391 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:56,240 Speaker 1: They are not conditional on them finding someone better. You 392 00:22:56,280 --> 00:23:01,720 Speaker 1: would not be replaced, Your friendship wouldn't be demoted, It 393 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:05,720 Speaker 1: wouldn't be neglected if your person was suddenly to start 394 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:09,440 Speaker 1: dating someone new. Maybe in the natural sense, but it's 395 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,560 Speaker 1: not like you or the reason it's not like your 396 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:15,600 Speaker 1: previous relationship was the reason that suddenly you can't be 397 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 1: as close as you were. I just think that friendships 398 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,879 Speaker 1: should leave us feeling seen, They should leave us feeling 399 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 1: safe and included and loved and held and just like happy. 400 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,199 Speaker 1: And I don't think I have ever been friends with 401 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,680 Speaker 1: an ex who has made me feel that way. It's 402 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,920 Speaker 1: always been that the friendship has made me feel desperate 403 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,600 Speaker 1: and anxious. Yes, it was a bit exciting, but there 404 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:41,840 Speaker 1: was also this undertone consistently of longing, of not being 405 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,040 Speaker 1: able to forget the past, and eventually that was what 406 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,359 Speaker 1: hurt us. So a group of researchers actually went about 407 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,920 Speaker 1: trying to determine whether a friendship with an ex would 408 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,320 Speaker 1: actually be a good idea, whether it actually is a 409 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:58,199 Speaker 1: good friendship, based on some very factual, evidence based indicators, 410 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,920 Speaker 1: and they basically measured, you know, how do people feel 411 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:05,320 Speaker 1: after hanging out with their ex? Does the number of 412 00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:10,000 Speaker 1: positive interactions outweigh the number of negative interactions when people 413 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,240 Speaker 1: come to them afterwards In their study, are they primarily 414 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 1: lingering on things that they weren't happy with about the 415 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:20,160 Speaker 1: interaction or do they just feel ultimately really positive. And 416 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,640 Speaker 1: the way they studied with this was that they surveyed 417 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:26,160 Speaker 1: both male and females who reported having a friend who 418 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,119 Speaker 1: was once a romantic partner and a friend who was 419 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:33,360 Speaker 1: just purely platonic, and both types of friendships were kind 420 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:38,080 Speaker 1: of compared, and they asked them after interactions with each person, 421 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,520 Speaker 1: how do you feel, you know, do you feel good 422 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,240 Speaker 1: after this? Do you feel that there is like that 423 00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:48,240 Speaker 1: this relationship is quite a quality relationship. Are you happy? 424 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:53,920 Speaker 1: And the results indicate a significant difference. People felt really 425 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,000 Speaker 1: really happy in their friendships with their platonic friends. They 426 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,520 Speaker 1: would leave those interactions and be like, gosh, that was fun. 427 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,679 Speaker 1: I had a great time. I feel really bright and 428 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:05,520 Speaker 1: light and easy and breezy. But when they exited an 429 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,359 Speaker 1: interaction with their ex who was their friend, they actually 430 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:12,159 Speaker 1: typically reported more negative experiences. They were more likely to 431 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,040 Speaker 1: say negative things about this person, and their mood was 432 00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:18,440 Speaker 1: more likely to decline. So it's not like this friendship 433 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:21,640 Speaker 1: is even actually giving us anything other than that, it's 434 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,560 Speaker 1: just this lingering attachment to someone we once cared about. 435 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:27,199 Speaker 1: There is, of course, and this is the final thing 436 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,399 Speaker 1: we really do need to to speak to. There is 437 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:33,679 Speaker 1: the addition of sexual attraction, which we haven't spoken about yet. 438 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,400 Speaker 1: I'm sure a lot of it is in the back 439 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,240 Speaker 1: of our It's in the back of our minds for sure. 440 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 1: The real question is, you know, how long does it 441 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,680 Speaker 1: actually take for that sexual desire for that sexual attraction 442 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,800 Speaker 1: towards someone to disappear, And a bigger question is does 443 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:50,120 Speaker 1: it ever actually disappear? You know, this level of mutual 444 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:54,200 Speaker 1: desire and attraction definitely lingers. That is why so many 445 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,800 Speaker 1: of us end up, you know, perhaps sleeping with our 446 00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:00,000 Speaker 1: X again out of you know, I don't know sexualness, 447 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,480 Speaker 1: but also a need for comfort, and that is not 448 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:08,240 Speaker 1: platonic in my mind, you know, speaking from experience, I 449 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,280 Speaker 1: do think that like sexual desire and your level of 450 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:15,880 Speaker 1: attraction towards something towards someone, Sorry, it does fade over time. 451 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,679 Speaker 1: Like I look at my exes now and I'm like, 452 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,160 Speaker 1: I don't want any piece of that. I could never 453 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,479 Speaker 1: I feel nothing towards you. I'm not attracted to you 454 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:27,720 Speaker 1: in the slightest. But if you're freshly out of the relationship, 455 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:32,159 Speaker 1: you haven't crossed into that threshold yet. Maybe once you do, 456 00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:36,160 Speaker 1: you can be friends where no sexual desire lingers. But 457 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,119 Speaker 1: even then, like, think about all of the above reasons, 458 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:43,040 Speaker 1: think about all of that evidence that says this is 459 00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,840 Speaker 1: not a good idea. I want to offer just one 460 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:49,040 Speaker 1: more reason here as well, And this reason is the 461 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,280 Speaker 1: most profound to me as to why we cannot be 462 00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:54,720 Speaker 1: friends with our ex, and it's that it jeopardizes the 463 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,080 Speaker 1: healing process, and that is the most important thing that 464 00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:01,160 Speaker 1: we need to prioritize in the wake if a heartbreak 465 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,560 Speaker 1: or a breakup, being friends with your ex just means 466 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:07,760 Speaker 1: it takes longer to grieve and longer to recover. It's 467 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 1: gonna make it hard for you to move on, it's 468 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:13,679 Speaker 1: not gonna make you feel great about yourself, and inevitably 469 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:18,159 Speaker 1: it influences our ability to find closure. Closure is just 470 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,760 Speaker 1: gonna be such a buzzword in this episode. It's basically 471 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,960 Speaker 1: our mind's ability to put an end to an ongoing 472 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,639 Speaker 1: narrative or story that is occurring in our brain. It 473 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:33,399 Speaker 1: is our brain's ability to find a conclusion that makes 474 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,160 Speaker 1: sense to us and makes sense based on our values 475 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,199 Speaker 1: and our sense of self. Essentially, it means that we 476 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,800 Speaker 1: can look at a relationship and say, you know, this 477 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,520 Speaker 1: didn't work out for these reasons, and actually that was 478 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,600 Speaker 1: a good thing because of these reasons. So let's close 479 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 1: this chapter. We'll get onto writing our next chapter. There 480 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,320 Speaker 1: is a sense of peace. A lot of people report 481 00:27:53,359 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 1: like a sense of silence, a sense of I was 482 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,680 Speaker 1: about to say closure, but that's the exact way we're 483 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,119 Speaker 1: trying or just trying to just I think you know 484 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,399 Speaker 1: it when you feel it. Well, when an ex becomes 485 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,600 Speaker 1: a friend, it means that there is no closing that chapter. 486 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,000 Speaker 1: They're going to keep showing up in all these future chapters. 487 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,720 Speaker 1: The story never finishes when we go no contact with 488 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:18,679 Speaker 1: an X, when we limit connection, we do still naturally 489 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:21,360 Speaker 1: have all of these questions that are going to come 490 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,520 Speaker 1: up at the end of the relationship. Why didn't this work? 491 00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,520 Speaker 1: Did they ever love me? Is there a future? Like? 492 00:28:28,119 --> 00:28:30,200 Speaker 1: What did I do wrong? What did they do wrong? 493 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:34,440 Speaker 1: Naturally we have questions. But the thing is is that 494 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,760 Speaker 1: we have to find answers to those questions for ourselves 495 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,479 Speaker 1: in the best way we know how, Like we just 496 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:44,680 Speaker 1: have to be able to provide ourselves with the closure, 497 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:47,840 Speaker 1: knowing that there is nothing that anyone else can say 498 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,200 Speaker 1: that's going to bring peace unless it makes sense to you. 499 00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:54,640 Speaker 1: So that's really important because that need for closure is 500 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,640 Speaker 1: a really powerful driver of decisions. It's a really powerful 501 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:01,920 Speaker 1: driver of behaviors because in our search for closure, what 502 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:07,160 Speaker 1: we're really looking for is an end to confusion and ambiguity. 503 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:11,560 Speaker 1: And in that search for an end to our ambiguity. 504 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:14,440 Speaker 1: In a search for clarity, our brain is going to 505 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,960 Speaker 1: keep returning to a scenario over and over again until 506 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:20,240 Speaker 1: it receives that. When we go into a contact, our 507 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:23,760 Speaker 1: need for closure drives us inwards. When we are friends 508 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,280 Speaker 1: with our ex our need for closure will drive us 509 00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:30,280 Speaker 1: to them because they are available. The questions never stop, 510 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,640 Speaker 1: and neither does our search for answers. But you know 511 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:34,120 Speaker 1: there they are. They're right there. You can go and 512 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:37,160 Speaker 1: ask them those questions. You can go to that person 513 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:38,800 Speaker 1: and feel like you're going to get a release when 514 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:41,720 Speaker 1: really there's nothing they can say to you. That is 515 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:46,280 Speaker 1: the core part about closure. It is an entirely personally 516 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,880 Speaker 1: motivated and personally driven experience, but we get confused thinking 517 00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 1: that someone else can give it to us. And I 518 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:56,080 Speaker 1: remember having this exact experience with someone I dated when 519 00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:59,120 Speaker 1: I was like nineteen or twenty, and you know, it 520 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:03,000 Speaker 1: didn't work, but we tried to stay friends, and it 521 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,000 Speaker 1: just meant that every single week, you know, I had 522 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,360 Speaker 1: more questions, I felt differently, I had all these things 523 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:11,720 Speaker 1: come up. But because we were still quote unquote friends, 524 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:14,320 Speaker 1: I could go to him with these questions. I could 525 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:16,200 Speaker 1: be like, hey, can we chat? Can we talk. I 526 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:20,680 Speaker 1: need closure, and actually the excuse of closure was really 527 00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:24,080 Speaker 1: an excuse to stay friends. Was not to stay friends, 528 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,160 Speaker 1: but it was an excuse to remain in contact with 529 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,880 Speaker 1: him and to not feel like I had lost him, 530 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:33,920 Speaker 1: because that was really Really, it's a sad thing to acknowledge. 531 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:36,520 Speaker 1: It was only when I cut off contact for my 532 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:40,640 Speaker 1: own good that I got my closure because I realized 533 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:43,200 Speaker 1: it would never come from him. And that's what I 534 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,680 Speaker 1: really want for you. I want the peace, I want 535 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 1: the certainty, I want the liberation. I want you to 536 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:50,760 Speaker 1: know you're going to be okay without them, and that's 537 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:54,800 Speaker 1: when you really start to heal. Now, I've been teasing 538 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,680 Speaker 1: this for a while. There are some friendships where this 539 00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,320 Speaker 1: is not possible. Unfortunately, you still have to be in 540 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:04,200 Speaker 1: their vicinity. So what do we do in those situations? 541 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:06,680 Speaker 1: Are we going to talk about all of that and 542 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:14,760 Speaker 1: much much more after this short break? When we have 543 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,440 Speaker 1: an ex with whom we maybe share a lot of 544 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:20,720 Speaker 1: mutual friends, we are bound to see each other every 545 00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:23,760 Speaker 1: day at work, we have children, all of those things, 546 00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:27,680 Speaker 1: what do we do with the relationship then, when it 547 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:32,280 Speaker 1: is very hard to step away, completely almost impossible, what 548 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,920 Speaker 1: do we do when we feel forced to stay friends 549 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:39,000 Speaker 1: with them. It's a really interesting article from the author 550 00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 1: Marissa Franco. She wrote this book called Platonic, How the 551 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:46,600 Speaker 1: Science of Attachment can help you make and keep friends, 552 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:51,000 Speaker 1: and she shares three questions that she asks her clients 553 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:52,360 Speaker 1: when they say, Hey, I think I want to be 554 00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:55,560 Speaker 1: friends with my ex. And these questions are basically a 555 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:59,000 Speaker 1: way to make you understand when it's necessary and why 556 00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:02,280 Speaker 1: that's okay, and how to go on with a friendship 557 00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:06,120 Speaker 1: even when it's painful, but also when you don't have 558 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:09,520 Speaker 1: the same reasons that some of us do. So the 559 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:11,480 Speaker 1: questions that she asked the number one, why do you 560 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:14,000 Speaker 1: want to stay in touch with your ex? If it's 561 00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:17,680 Speaker 1: for practical reasons, you know you can move on to 562 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:20,239 Speaker 1: the next question. If you answered, you know, I need 563 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 1: to stay in touch with them because I'm going to 564 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 1: see them every single day through work. All my friends 565 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,440 Speaker 1: are his friends or her friends. Like, there's just no 566 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:34,440 Speaker 1: way of me exiting this relationship completely without losing so 567 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:38,840 Speaker 1: much more. Then, I think that a friendship is kind 568 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:42,120 Speaker 1: of necessary. But I want you to notice that wording 569 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:44,440 Speaker 1: that she says here, why do you want to stay 570 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:48,720 Speaker 1: in touch with your ex. Stay in touch doesn't necessarily 571 00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:52,640 Speaker 1: mean like a friendship of the same varieties you have 572 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:55,880 Speaker 1: with your best girlfriend or your childhood pow. Maybe just 573 00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:58,280 Speaker 1: staying in touch is all that's required if there is 574 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:01,959 Speaker 1: some practical reason for being each other's lives now, if 575 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:03,880 Speaker 1: it's simply because you you know, why do you want 576 00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:05,160 Speaker 1: to stay in touch? I just want to know what's 577 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,960 Speaker 1: going on. I want to know if they're dating. I 578 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:10,440 Speaker 1: want to keep tabs. Not a good enough reason. You 579 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:12,680 Speaker 1: don't pass go. You can't be friends with your ex. 580 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:16,840 Speaker 1: The second question that she asks is are you in 581 00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:19,040 Speaker 1: a healthy place to stay in touch with your ex? 582 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:24,680 Speaker 1: I do think, regardless of the practical requirements, some level 583 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:27,880 Speaker 1: of healing does need to occur before you can regain contact, 584 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,239 Speaker 1: regardless of what is pulling you back together. You know 585 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,760 Speaker 1: there is some level of healing that needs to happen 586 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:38,480 Speaker 1: before things go back to the way they were. Obviously, 587 00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:41,240 Speaker 1: it's going to get ugly if you don't do this, 588 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:45,280 Speaker 1: because you're not going to have the delineation between the 589 00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:49,240 Speaker 1: relationship romantic relationship you previously shared and this new chapter 590 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,160 Speaker 1: of friendship. So you'll fight the way that you did 591 00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:54,760 Speaker 1: when you were together. You'll have the same tension, the 592 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:58,400 Speaker 1: same arguments, the same resentment, and so you don't have 593 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:03,200 Speaker 1: any chance at friendship those situations, you need space before 594 00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:06,720 Speaker 1: you re enter the relationship. I always recommend to people 595 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:09,600 Speaker 1: who share a friendship group in particular, because I get 596 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:12,600 Speaker 1: a lot of questions about that. For the first month 597 00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:14,880 Speaker 1: or so, I really want you to avoid the parties. 598 00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,160 Speaker 1: I only want you to see your friends one on one. 599 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:18,520 Speaker 1: I don't want you to see them, and I know 600 00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:21,359 Speaker 1: it feels like a sacrifice on your behalf, but one 601 00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:25,560 Speaker 1: month versus losing all those friendships entirely is well worth it. 602 00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:28,719 Speaker 1: Give yourself some space and some time before you jump 603 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:31,839 Speaker 1: back in, because then you have distance, You have time 604 00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:37,000 Speaker 1: to process, to reassess, to reflect before things just return 605 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,960 Speaker 1: to normal. You can work through the resentment, You can 606 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:43,719 Speaker 1: figure out what your next chapter represents to you. You 607 00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:46,840 Speaker 1: can reason with why the relationship needed to end without 608 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:51,080 Speaker 1: being constantly confronted by visions and images of this person. 609 00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:53,719 Speaker 1: So once you get to a place where you feel 610 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,440 Speaker 1: more stable and you've acknowledged and come to terms the 611 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,520 Speaker 1: romantic chapter is closed, then you can stay in touch. 612 00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:06,000 Speaker 1: The final question that doctor Franco asked though, is what 613 00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:09,600 Speaker 1: do you want your platonic relationship with your ex to 614 00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:13,520 Speaker 1: look like? And this is the most important question of 615 00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:16,040 Speaker 1: them all, because it cannot look the way that it 616 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:20,960 Speaker 1: once did. You are going to need some concrete, strong boundaries. 617 00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:22,719 Speaker 1: If this is the path that you need to take. 618 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:25,960 Speaker 1: This is what those boundaries could look like. This is 619 00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,359 Speaker 1: the rules that you could have with you on your 620 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,520 Speaker 1: ex so that you are on friendly terms but not friends. 621 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,400 Speaker 1: So some of the rules are you will you know 622 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:39,200 Speaker 1: we will sorry not you. We as a couple who 623 00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:41,960 Speaker 1: previously dated, we are not going to have discussions about 624 00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:46,160 Speaker 1: our past relationship. We are not going to rehash previous experiences. 625 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,880 Speaker 1: That is not something that we discuss anymore. We are 626 00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:53,359 Speaker 1: going to limit physical affection. No cuddling, no sleeping over, 627 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:56,759 Speaker 1: no sleeping with each other. That is a hard rule. 628 00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:01,080 Speaker 1: We will only see each other when someone else is present. Now, 629 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:03,600 Speaker 1: this is a great one. If you are required to 630 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:08,040 Speaker 1: be friends with your ex because of children, friendships work, 631 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:11,239 Speaker 1: it means that you know you don't have any of 632 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:14,360 Speaker 1: that one on one time that's going to feel like 633 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:17,319 Speaker 1: the quality time you had in a relationship. There is 634 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:21,560 Speaker 1: this important barrier between you two. There is an important reason, 635 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:24,360 Speaker 1: and that reason being other people that you maintain contact. 636 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:26,560 Speaker 1: You know, you still see each other in the group, 637 00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:29,480 Speaker 1: you still see each other around your kids. That is 638 00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:34,080 Speaker 1: it nonber four. You can agree to unfollow each other 639 00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:37,440 Speaker 1: on social media. You can still be friendly, but you 640 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,960 Speaker 1: don't need to have the same access to know what 641 00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:44,560 Speaker 1: they're doing. I also think that that stops lingering feelings 642 00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:47,799 Speaker 1: of like huh are they moving on without me? Have 643 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:50,360 Speaker 1: they moved on before me? Like what are they doing? 644 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:53,480 Speaker 1: And feeling like you know their behavior is an insult 645 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:57,160 Speaker 1: to you. It stops that from happening. Finally, this rule 646 00:36:57,239 --> 00:37:00,279 Speaker 1: is really really important. They cannot be your goal two 647 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:03,960 Speaker 1: persons for an emotional crisis. Yes that's what they once were. 648 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:05,640 Speaker 1: It can feel very natural to be like, oh, they 649 00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:08,200 Speaker 1: just know so much about me. It's so hard to 650 00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:10,640 Speaker 1: explain this to someone else. I really want you to 651 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:13,440 Speaker 1: do it. Anyways, they can no longer be the person 652 00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:16,799 Speaker 1: you are emotionally dependent on. And these are really really 653 00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:19,759 Speaker 1: all good examples of how to maintain a friendship when 654 00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:23,880 Speaker 1: practicality requires you to without stepping into a more serious terrain. 655 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:28,120 Speaker 1: You should also really have a stopping point for when 656 00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:31,520 Speaker 1: the friendship can't continue. What is the line that neither 657 00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:33,640 Speaker 1: of you can cross that if you did, the friendship 658 00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:36,799 Speaker 1: would most certainly be over. It would be done. Is 659 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:39,719 Speaker 1: it sex? Is it fighting and arguing over things that 660 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:42,200 Speaker 1: happened in the past. Is it when one of you 661 00:37:42,239 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 1: gets a new partner? Is that when you have to 662 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:48,680 Speaker 1: agree to ceaseol contact? You know you have to have 663 00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:52,799 Speaker 1: that line otherwise your behavior can be as erratic as 664 00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:55,520 Speaker 1: you'd like, and there's nothing to stop me going back. 665 00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:58,840 Speaker 1: There's nothing to stop you guys from maintaining this weird 666 00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:02,400 Speaker 1: emotional connection. Are they friends? Are they dating? Are they 667 00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:04,839 Speaker 1: something in between? That's not what we want. The one 668 00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,440 Speaker 1: thing we don't want is ambiguity. We want clarity. Are 669 00:38:07,560 --> 00:38:10,319 Speaker 1: you in a relationship or you are friends? And that 670 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:13,319 Speaker 1: friendship has boundaries and it has rules. I think this 671 00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:15,160 Speaker 1: is a really good way to go about it. You know, 672 00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:18,440 Speaker 1: if you're still really struggling in those circumstances and you're 673 00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:21,520 Speaker 1: finding it hard to move on, finding it hard to 674 00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:24,239 Speaker 1: get through get through things, and finding it hard to 675 00:38:24,239 --> 00:38:29,719 Speaker 1: find closure because they are still around, I think you 676 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:32,600 Speaker 1: should listen to this episode that I did called How 677 00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:35,360 Speaker 1: to Move On from Someone you can't stop thinking about? 678 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,200 Speaker 1: It's really really valuable in these situations to get you 679 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:43,520 Speaker 1: to that next chapter in your healing journey. Maybe you're 680 00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,040 Speaker 1: at this point of stagnation, you've hit a roadblock, a barricade, 681 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:51,200 Speaker 1: a blockade. This episode, that episode how to get Over 682 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:55,160 Speaker 1: someone you can't stop thinking about, is great for pushing 683 00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:59,239 Speaker 1: through that. There's also another episode called why do we 684 00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:02,880 Speaker 1: Need Closure? Do we Need Closure? Is closure overrated? I 685 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,160 Speaker 1: cannot remember what it's called. I'll put it in the 686 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:09,080 Speaker 1: episode description. Also a really really valuable one for getting 687 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:12,680 Speaker 1: through this period. And neither of those are necessarily about 688 00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:15,320 Speaker 1: being friends with your ex, but they are about getting 689 00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:18,319 Speaker 1: to a point of healing and clarity where A you 690 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,759 Speaker 1: no longer want to be friends with your ex, or 691 00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:22,680 Speaker 1: B you realize that even if you have to, there's 692 00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:24,960 Speaker 1: ways to go about it. It's going to be healthy 693 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,640 Speaker 1: for you and healthy for your future. So I really 694 00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:32,879 Speaker 1: hope that this revised version of this episode has been satisfying. 695 00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:35,319 Speaker 1: I know that I have completely changed tune. I've gone 696 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:37,799 Speaker 1: from yeah, you totally can be friends with your ex, 697 00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,279 Speaker 1: and here's my ex and we're going to prove it 698 00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:42,879 Speaker 1: to absolutely not don't do that. And it's honestly because 699 00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:46,480 Speaker 1: of experience, and it's because I've witnessed what that inevitably 700 00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,560 Speaker 1: leads to and honestly some of the pain that it causes, 701 00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:54,640 Speaker 1: not just between us, but for other people. So yes, 702 00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:57,880 Speaker 1: thank you for listening to this episode, especially if you 703 00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:00,719 Speaker 1: listen to the first one. Hopefully I've been able to 704 00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:03,960 Speaker 1: convince you. Hopefully I've given you some good evidence for 705 00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:07,200 Speaker 1: my opinion, and I just hope that you've enjoyed this episode. 706 00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:10,600 Speaker 1: Until next time, it would be great if you guys 707 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:13,440 Speaker 1: could chuck us a follow make sure that you are 708 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:17,080 Speaker 1: around for when new episodes come out. It's almost December, 709 00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:18,839 Speaker 1: and you guys know what that means. That means twelve 710 00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:21,800 Speaker 1: days of guests. We have some really cool guests coming along. 711 00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:24,600 Speaker 1: Make sure you are following us on Instagram at that 712 00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:27,960 Speaker 1: Psychology podcast, and that you've checked out the pre order 713 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:30,359 Speaker 1: link for the book. There'll be one in the link 714 00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:33,000 Speaker 1: in the description. It's a great way to support the 715 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,840 Speaker 1: show and to also, you know, get your hands on 716 00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:40,120 Speaker 1: a lot of my thoughts in britten form Person in Progress. 717 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,279 Speaker 1: It's coming out in April twenty twenty five. You can 718 00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:45,000 Speaker 1: see the cover. You can pre order it. The link 719 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:48,040 Speaker 1: will be in the description. Until next time, stay safe, 720 00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:51,920 Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle to yourself, especially if you are 721 00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:53,839 Speaker 1: going through a breakup or a heartbreak. Right now, I'm 722 00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:56,640 Speaker 1: sending you lots of love and until next time, we 723 00:40:56,680 --> 00:41:02,239 Speaker 1: will talk very very soon