Speaker 1: I've seen so many good people who are excited, desperate,
Speaker 1: or impatient make bad decisions in love. Here's how not
Speaker 1: to be one of them. See falling in love can
Speaker 1: be one of the most beautiful experiences in the world,
Speaker 1: but it can also be the place where people disappear,
Speaker 1: not physically but emotionally, mentally, identity wise. We've all seen it, right.
Speaker 1: Someone meets a person they're excited about, and slowly their
Speaker 1: world becomes smaller. Their friends see them less, their goals
Speaker 1: get blurry, their routines fall apart, their sense of self
Speaker 1: starts to merge into the other person until they can't
Speaker 1: recognize where they end and where the relationship begins. So
Speaker 1: many of us dissolve into our relationships. One of the
Speaker 1: most shocking things is how many people will push away
Speaker 1: when we think we found our person. Your person won't
Speaker 1: let you push them away, and you won't because you
Speaker 1: won't leave your life for someone else. Because love was
Speaker 1: never meant to erase you. Love was meant to reveal you.
Speaker 1: So today I want to show you how to fall
Speaker 1: in love or deepen love without losing the most important
Speaker 1: relationship you'll ever have, the one with yourself. This episode
Speaker 1: is for people who want a relationship this year, or
Speaker 1: want to strengthen the one they're in without losing their independence,
Speaker 1: or their identity or their inner compass. By the end
Speaker 1: of these thirty minutes, you'll understand how to build a
Speaker 1: relationship that feels like support not sacrifice, alignment not abandonment,
Speaker 1: growth not disappearance. Let's get into it. So why do
Speaker 1: we lose ourselves in love? Psychologists call it self expansion theory,
Speaker 1: the idea that we merge with someone we love to
Speaker 1: grow and banned our identity. Now that's healthy. What's not
Speaker 1: healthy is when expansion becomes erasure. Here's what often happens.
Speaker 1: The biggest mistake we make in love is we confuse
Speaker 1: being chosen with being safe. We confuse intensity with intimacy.
Speaker 1: We confuse butterflies with compatibility. We confuse staying together with
Speaker 1: growing together. We confuse someone needing us with someone valuing us.
Speaker 1: Let me give you a real life example. I once
Speaker 1: coached someone who, whenever she entered a relationship, would slowly
Speaker 1: give up the parts of her life that made her her.
Speaker 1: She stopped her hobbies first, then she stopped seeing friends.
Speaker 1: She adjusted her goals, then her schedule, then her standards.
Speaker 1: When I asked why, she said, I didn't want to
Speaker 1: lose them, but the irony was heartbreaking. She was losing
Speaker 1: herself to keep someone else. And the research is clear,
Speaker 1: people who lose their identity in relationships experience more anxiety,
Speaker 1: more conflict, and more insecurity. You know why because when
Speaker 1: you collapse your identity into someone else, you no longer
Speaker 1: know what keeps you steady. When they pull away, you
Speaker 1: know it's time to leave. When dependency replaces partnership, when
Speaker 1: fear replaces love, when hope replaces habits. So here's our
Speaker 1: first principle. Love should bring more joy in rather than
Speaker 1: take more joy out. Love should give you the opportunity
Speaker 1: to be more of you, not less of you. Love
Speaker 1: should be the doorway to express yourself fully, not hide
Speaker 1: parts of yourself. If you find yourself losing yourself, it's
Speaker 1: you doing it to yourself. We often say you made
Speaker 1: me do that, But if you're aware, if someone is
Speaker 1: manipulating you, is shifting you in that direction, don't just
Speaker 1: let go. It feels good at a start to give
Speaker 1: up everything you love for what they love, only to
Speaker 1: realize that if they loved you, why would you do
Speaker 1: that so it's so important to know our priorities before
Speaker 1: we get into a relationship. If you're in a relationship,
Speaker 1: make sure you know what those priorities are too. So
Speaker 1: remember keep your life big. One of the biggest predictors
Speaker 1: of long term relationship success is how full your life
Speaker 1: is outside the relationship. That's so counterintuitive, right. One of
Speaker 1: the biggest reasons you'll stay together with someone for a
Speaker 1: long time is if your life is good individually and
Speaker 1: their life is good individually. Why. Because you bring greatness
Speaker 1: to each other, you inspire each other. Science actually backs
Speaker 1: this up. Studies on relationship satisfaction show that people who
Speaker 1: maintain friendships, people who maintain hobbies, people who maintain passions,
Speaker 1: people who maintain personal goals routines, all of that experience stronger, healthier,
Speaker 1: more secure relationships because your partner fell in love with
Speaker 1: a whole person, not a person who made them their
Speaker 1: whole world. Imagine love like a beautiful new room in
Speaker 1: your house. It expands your life, but it doesn't replace
Speaker 1: the entire structure. Here's a quick exercise. List five things
Speaker 1: you love doing alone. Now list five people who love
Speaker 1: you outside the relationship. Now list five goals that have
Speaker 1: nothing to do with love. These aren't extras or fillers,
Speaker 1: their anchors and anchors are what keep you steady when
Speaker 1: the waves come. One of my favorite quotes that I've
Speaker 1: heard is, don't become less so someone else can feel
Speaker 1: like more. Don't become smaller just to fit inside a
Speaker 1: relationship that refuses to grow with you. Don't become who
Speaker 1: they prefer if it means forgetting who you are. Don't
Speaker 1: become responsible for someone else's insecurities at the cost of
Speaker 1: your own confidence. Don't fall in love too fast. It's
Speaker 1: when we fall fast that we ignore the mistakes. It's
Speaker 1: when we fall fast that we don't see clearly. When
Speaker 1: we slow down, when we're patient, everything becomes visible. We
Speaker 1: can make better judgments, better choices, know our options better,
Speaker 1: and ultimately fall in love at a pace where love
Speaker 1: can always exist. When you fall in love fast, you
Speaker 1: usually fall out of it as quick. When you fall
Speaker 1: in love slow, it has the ability to outlast any
Speaker 1: relationship you've ever had. Here's principle too, don't outsource your
Speaker 1: emotional homework. Our generation has a quiet habit. We want
Speaker 1: our partners to heal what we've never addressed. We want
Speaker 1: them to heal our abandonment wounds. We want them to
Speaker 1: heal our insecurities. We want them to heal our loneliness.
Speaker 1: We want them to heal our self worth. We want
Speaker 1: them to heal our emotional history. But that's not love,
Speaker 1: that's outsourcing. A partner can support your healing, but they
Speaker 1: cannot be your healing. A partner can support your growth,
Speaker 1: but they can't do your growth. A partner can hold
Speaker 1: your hand while you heal, but they can't walk the
Speaker 1: path for you. Research shows that the healthiest relationships are
Speaker 1: built by people who bring self awareness into the relationship,
Speaker 1: not self abandonment. Tell your partner how you feel. If
Speaker 1: you're anxious, name it. If you're avoidant, understand it if
Speaker 1: you're triggered, Explore it. If you're overwhelmed, communicate it. Love
Speaker 1: can flourish when two people are growing, not when one
Speaker 1: person becomes the emotional life raft for the other person.
Speaker 1: You can't expect someone to complete you when you haven't
Speaker 1: met yourself completely. You can't expect someone to complete you
Speaker 1: when you're still looking for love to fill the gaps
Speaker 1: you refuse to face. You can't expect someone to complete
Speaker 1: you when you're asking them to heal wounds they never caused.
Speaker 1: You can't expect someone to complete you when you haven't
Speaker 1: met the version of yoursel that's ready for real love.
Speaker 1: Principal three, don't ignore the signals. People lose themselves in
Speaker 1: love overnight because they don't stay vigilant about the signs
Speaker 1: they see. These are the signs you're losing yourself in
Speaker 1: a relationship. You apologize for things that aren't your fault.
Speaker 1: Your partner's preferences always override yours. Your goals feel smaller
Speaker 1: and theirs feel more important. Your voice feels quieter and
Speaker 1: theirs feels louder. Your boundaries get blurry and they don't
Speaker 1: respect them. Your world gets narrower, and you stop checking
Speaker 1: in with yourself. Hearing this from a friend broke my heart.
Speaker 1: They said, I love him, but I don't love who
Speaker 1: I become around him. That sentence says everything. If love
Speaker 1: is costing you yourself, it's not worth it. Healthy love
Speaker 1: won't ask you to shrink. It won't punish your ambition,
Speaker 1: It won't resent your independence, It won't dim your light.
Speaker 1: Because healthy love says, stay who you are, Grow alongside me,
Speaker 1: not beneath me. Stop ignoring red flags, just because you're
Speaker 1: attracted to them. Stop avoiding red flags just because you
Speaker 1: don't want to start over again. Stop avoiding red flags
Speaker 1: because the attention feels good after a long time without it.
Speaker 1: Stop avoiding red flags because you're scared this might be
Speaker 1: the best you'll get. Stop avoiding red flags because you're
Speaker 1: hoping their potential will one day become their reality. Whenever
Speaker 1: anyone breaks up and I asked them if they saw
Speaker 1: the signs, they can name all of them. They never
Speaker 1: turned up on time, They never really messaged back. They
Speaker 1: made me chase them a little. They never fully gave
Speaker 1: me their attention when we were out together. They never
Speaker 1: defended me in front of someone who is being harsh.
Speaker 1: They never encouraged my independence. When I told them what
Speaker 1: I wanted to do, they didn't really have anything to say.
Speaker 1: All of a sudden, when someone breaks up with you,
Speaker 1: you can see everything clearly, But when you were with them,
Speaker 1: you let go of it because you were attracted to
Speaker 1: how they sounded, how they looked, what they did for work,
Speaker 1: what people thought about them. So many of us don't
Speaker 1: listen carefully to these signals. So many of us avoid
Speaker 1: these red flags that are staring us in the face,
Speaker 1: and I get it. It's exciting, it's enthralling, it's intoxicating.
Speaker 1: Right when you find that person and it feels good,
Speaker 1: I get it. I know you want to be held,
Speaker 1: You want to feel safe. But do you want to
Speaker 1: be held for a night or held for your life?
Speaker 1: Do you want to feel insecure when you're with them
Speaker 1: and still look for safety elsewhere? Do you want to
Speaker 1: say and here, I love you, but not really believe it.
Speaker 1: So many of us avoid red flags because we're moving
Speaker 1: too fast. Here's principal four, the three love lines you
Speaker 1: must never cross. These are three boundaries the healthiest couples
Speaker 1: never compromise. Number one autonomy. You maintain your own thoughts, interests,
Speaker 1: and choices. The right person is not trying to change
Speaker 1: your interests and your choices. They may help you understand
Speaker 1: them more. They may help you learn about them more.
Speaker 1: They're not making you want more. If your partner doesn't
Speaker 1: want to start a business and you convince them they should,
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you care about them. You just projected
Speaker 1: your goals onto them. If your partner feels you are
Speaker 1: not ambitious enough, you get to ask yourself what ambition
Speaker 1: means to you? You get to ask yourself what success
Speaker 1: means to you. Number two equity. Both people give, both
Speaker 1: people receive, not ninety ten, not eighty twenty. Partnership means partnership.
Speaker 1: And here's the thing. In long term relationships, there will
Speaker 1: be times when one person does more than the other,
Speaker 1: knowing that a few years later the other person could
Speaker 1: be doing more. But the point is both people are
Speaker 1: willing to give and receive and show up for each other.
Speaker 1: And the third is emotional honesty. If you're in a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship, you can express discomfort without fear. You can
Speaker 1: say I need this without feeling judged. You can say
Speaker 1: that hurt me without feeling weak. You can say I'm
Speaker 1: scared without triggering the other person. Couples who maintain these
Speaker 1: boundaries report stronger long term satisfaction and lower conflict because
Speaker 1: the relationship becomes a place of truth, not performance. Principal
Speaker 1: five fall in love with someone who loves your life,
Speaker 1: not just you. One of the biggest mistakes people make
Speaker 1: is falling for someone who loves them but doesn't love
Speaker 1: their lifestyle, their dreams, their values, their growth, their relationships,
Speaker 1: their independence. If someone loves only the parts of you
Speaker 1: that serve them, it's not love, it's possession. Real love
Speaker 1: says I don't want to be your whole life. I
Speaker 1: want to be a part of the life you're living.
Speaker 1: The right partner isn't threatened by your dreams, they're inspired
Speaker 1: by them. The right partner doesn't shrink your world, They
Speaker 1: expand it. The right partner doesn't steal your identity, they
Speaker 1: celebrate it. If someone requires your disappearance in order to stay,
Speaker 1: they're not your person. They're a limitation. So many of
Speaker 1: us get manipulated. We get limited by people who make
Speaker 1: our feel our dreams are too small. I'm sure you've
Speaker 1: been with someone before and you said, hey, this is
Speaker 1: what I'm thinking of doing, and they said, well, I
Speaker 1: don't know if you can really do that. I don't
Speaker 1: know if that's really possible. Now they may be saying
Speaker 1: it from a good intention, but you want someone who
Speaker 1: engages with that and goes, how about tell me about it.
Speaker 1: I want to know about it. By the way I've
Speaker 1: made this mistake is well, sometimes the realist in me
Speaker 1: can just be like, hey, yeah, I don't think that's
Speaker 1: going to work. And I've had to learn that when
Speaker 1: someone's sharing an idea with me, I've got to engage
Speaker 1: with their excitement. I've got to engage with their enthusiasm.
Speaker 1: I've got to engage with their energy about this. I
Speaker 1: actually have so many friends last year who broke up
Speaker 1: with their partners because their partners didn't like to see
Speaker 1: them shine. And this has become a real challenge right now.
Speaker 1: So many people are struggling with this where they're with
Speaker 1: someone who doesn't want to see them work hard, who
Speaker 1: doesn't want to see them achieve, who doesn't want to
Speaker 1: see them grow because they'd prefer they played small so
Speaker 1: that it makes them feel better. If someone doesn't want
Speaker 1: you to win so that they feel better about themselves,
Speaker 1: they're not your person. If someone doesn't want you to
Speaker 1: grow so that they don't feel small, they're not your person.
Speaker 1: If someone doesn't want you to achieve things so that
Speaker 1: they don't feel behind, and they're not your person. Your
Speaker 1: person will want you to be the best version of
Speaker 1: you and tried to become the best version of them,
Speaker 1: because it's not a competition, it's connection. I once met
Speaker 1: a couple who'd been together for forty years. They didn't
Speaker 1: talk about soulmates or destiny or perfect matches. They said
Speaker 1: something far more profound. We built two whole lives and
Speaker 1: then learned how to walk side by side. Their secret.
Speaker 1: They never stopped becoming individuals. They never stopped tending to
Speaker 1: their friendships. They never stopped learning about each other. They
Speaker 1: never stopped growing together. They never stopped growing individually. They
Speaker 1: never stopped choosing themselves, and they never stopped choosing each other.
Speaker 1: They understood that the healthiest relationships are not two halves
Speaker 1: becoming one, the two people walking side by side, staying connected.
Speaker 1: That's what's so interesting. We feel like we become one.
Speaker 1: When you meet the one you merge. It's you have
Speaker 1: one life. Now, it's a mistake. If two minds, two brains,
Speaker 1: two hearts, how can you have one life. There's two
Speaker 1: lives that matter, and then the life of your relationship.
Speaker 1: So here's the truth that I want to leave you with.
Speaker 1: You can fall in love this year without losing yourself.
Speaker 1: You can be committed and still be independent. You can
Speaker 1: give without disappearing. You can love someone deeply and still
Speaker 1: on the person you're becoming. Love is not meant to
Speaker 1: erase you. Love is meant to elevate you. So remember this.
Speaker 1: Choose the love that expands your world, not one that
Speaker 1: replaces it. Choose a love that helps you grow, not
Speaker 1: one you have to shrink for. Choose a love that
Speaker 1: feels like partnership, not self abandonment. And most importantly, choose
Speaker 1: a love where you don't lose yourself because the right
Speaker 1: person will never ask you to. If you just went
Speaker 1: through a breakup, I hope this episode helps you. If
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, I hope this episode helps you.
Speaker 1: And if you're looking for love, I hope this episode
Speaker 1: helps you. I made this episode because I think we
Speaker 1: cause ourselves so much pain when we fall in love fast,
Speaker 1: ignore the red flags, lose ourselves, don't protect ourselves, override
Speaker 1: our beliefs and values in order to desperately find love,
Speaker 1: only to still be alone at the end of it.
Speaker 1: Here's the sad truth. We change who we are so
Speaker 1: that they'll stay, and then they leave because we changed.
Speaker 1: It's so interest We lose people, not because we were inadequate,
Speaker 1: but because we lost ourselves and that person wasn't our person.
Speaker 1: I think we put so much pressure on finding the
Speaker 1: person that we think if we find someone who shows
Speaker 1: interest in us, then that's enough, not realizing that interest
Speaker 1: doesn't mean long term intimacy. It doesn't mean long term connection.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that. So when I'm telling you do
Speaker 1: not lose yourself in a relationship, it's so that you
Speaker 1: always have yourself, so that you have the person you
Speaker 1: can rely on, so that you have the person who
Speaker 1: protects you. And then when you do find the right person,
Speaker 1: you'll be able to build something together. Whereas hoping everyone's
Speaker 1: the right person and pretending someone's the right person. How
Speaker 1: many times have you ever done that? Where you meet
Speaker 1: someone and you make them the perfect person. You make
Speaker 1: them the right person because that's what you want. You
Speaker 1: don't even get to know them because you're just projecting
Speaker 1: what you want onto them. I hope this episode saves
Speaker 1: you time and from the pain of lessons that you
Speaker 1: don't need to learn yourself. Thank you for listening. I
Speaker 1: hope you've subscribed. Remember I'm forever in your corner and
Speaker 1: I'm always rooting for you. Hey, everyone, if you love
Speaker 1: that conversation, go and check out my episode with the
Speaker 1: world's leading therapist, Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest
Speaker 1: questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak,
Speaker 1: and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space
Speaker 1: right now, you won't want to miss this conversation. If
Speaker 1: it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue.
Speaker 1: It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as
Speaker 1: you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.