WEBVTT - How to Fall in Love Without Losing Yourself This Year (5 Rules to Avoid Getting Stuck in the Wrong Relationship) 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:04.439 I've seen so many good people who are excited, desperate, 0:00:04.559 --> 0:00:09.080 or impatient make bad decisions in love. Here's how not 0:00:09.240 --> 0:00:12.080 to be one of them. See falling in love can 0:00:12.119 --> 0:00:15.000 be one of the most beautiful experiences in the world, 0:00:15.480 --> 0:00:19.000 but it can also be the place where people disappear, 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:25.520 not physically but emotionally, mentally, identity wise. We've all seen it, right. 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:29.200 Someone meets a person they're excited about, and slowly their 0:00:29.240 --> 0:00:32.960 world becomes smaller. Their friends see them less, their goals 0:00:33.000 --> 0:00:36.800 get blurry, their routines fall apart, their sense of self 0:00:36.840 --> 0:00:40.600 starts to merge into the other person until they can't 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:45.000 recognize where they end and where the relationship begins. So 0:00:45.080 --> 0:00:48.879 many of us dissolve into our relationships. One of the 0:00:48.920 --> 0:00:52.920 most shocking things is how many people will push away 0:00:53.680 --> 0:00:57.840 when we think we found our person. Your person won't 0:00:57.920 --> 0:01:01.520 let you push them away, and you won't because you 0:01:01.560 --> 0:01:05.000 won't leave your life for someone else. Because love was 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:09.560 never meant to erase you. Love was meant to reveal you. 0:01:10.240 --> 0:01:12.720 So today I want to show you how to fall 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:17.319 in love or deepen love without losing the most important 0:01:17.400 --> 0:01:22.679 relationship you'll ever have, the one with yourself. This episode 0:01:22.720 --> 0:01:25.480 is for people who want a relationship this year, or 0:01:25.520 --> 0:01:30.080 want to strengthen the one they're in without losing their independence, 0:01:30.600 --> 0:01:34.600 or their identity or their inner compass. By the end 0:01:34.640 --> 0:01:38.280 of these thirty minutes, you'll understand how to build a 0:01:38.319 --> 0:01:44.720 relationship that feels like support not sacrifice, alignment not abandonment, 0:01:45.400 --> 0:01:49.640 growth not disappearance. Let's get into it. So why do 0:01:49.720 --> 0:01:55.320 we lose ourselves in love? Psychologists call it self expansion theory, 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:58.880 the idea that we merge with someone we love to 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:04.160 grow and banned our identity. Now that's healthy. What's not 0:02:04.360 --> 0:02:10.400 healthy is when expansion becomes erasure. Here's what often happens. 0:02:10.800 --> 0:02:14.600 The biggest mistake we make in love is we confuse 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:21.760 being chosen with being safe. We confuse intensity with intimacy. 0:02:22.639 --> 0:02:29.080 We confuse butterflies with compatibility. We confuse staying together with 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:35.160 growing together. We confuse someone needing us with someone valuing us. 0:02:35.720 --> 0:02:38.240 Let me give you a real life example. I once 0:02:38.280 --> 0:02:42.440 coached someone who, whenever she entered a relationship, would slowly 0:02:42.520 --> 0:02:45.880 give up the parts of her life that made her her. 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:50.440 She stopped her hobbies first, then she stopped seeing friends. 0:02:50.840 --> 0:02:54.880 She adjusted her goals, then her schedule, then her standards. 0:02:55.440 --> 0:02:59.280 When I asked why, she said, I didn't want to 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:04.320 lose them, but the irony was heartbreaking. She was losing 0:03:04.360 --> 0:03:08.640 herself to keep someone else. And the research is clear, 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:14.240 people who lose their identity in relationships experience more anxiety, 0:03:14.639 --> 0:03:19.200 more conflict, and more insecurity. You know why because when 0:03:19.200 --> 0:03:23.600 you collapse your identity into someone else, you no longer 0:03:23.760 --> 0:03:27.640 know what keeps you steady. When they pull away, you 0:03:27.760 --> 0:03:33.680 know it's time to leave. When dependency replaces partnership, when 0:03:33.720 --> 0:03:40.720 fear replaces love, when hope replaces habits. So here's our 0:03:40.720 --> 0:03:47.120 first principle. Love should bring more joy in rather than 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:51.440 take more joy out. Love should give you the opportunity 0:03:51.840 --> 0:03:56.040 to be more of you, not less of you. Love 0:03:56.440 --> 0:04:01.560 should be the doorway to express yourself fully, not hide 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:07.160 parts of yourself. If you find yourself losing yourself, it's 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:10.520 you doing it to yourself. We often say you made 0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:14.000 me do that, But if you're aware, if someone is 0:04:14.080 --> 0:04:18.919 manipulating you, is shifting you in that direction, don't just 0:04:19.000 --> 0:04:20.720 let go. It feels good at a start to give 0:04:20.800 --> 0:04:23.760 up everything you love for what they love, only to 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:27.359 realize that if they loved you, why would you do 0:04:27.480 --> 0:04:33.040 that so it's so important to know our priorities before 0:04:33.040 --> 0:04:36.400 we get into a relationship. If you're in a relationship, 0:04:36.880 --> 0:04:39.560 make sure you know what those priorities are too. So 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:44.000 remember keep your life big. One of the biggest predictors 0:04:44.040 --> 0:04:48.239 of long term relationship success is how full your life 0:04:48.279 --> 0:04:53.240 is outside the relationship. That's so counterintuitive, right. One of 0:04:53.240 --> 0:04:56.080 the biggest reasons you'll stay together with someone for a 0:04:56.080 --> 0:04:59.400 long time is if your life is good individually and 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:02.760 their life is good individually. Why. Because you bring greatness 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:07.440 to each other, you inspire each other. Science actually backs 0:05:07.440 --> 0:05:11.760 this up. Studies on relationship satisfaction show that people who 0:05:11.800 --> 0:05:16.840 maintain friendships, people who maintain hobbies, people who maintain passions, 0:05:17.040 --> 0:05:23.320 people who maintain personal goals routines, all of that experience stronger, healthier, 0:05:23.640 --> 0:05:28.479 more secure relationships because your partner fell in love with 0:05:28.600 --> 0:05:32.960 a whole person, not a person who made them their 0:05:33.000 --> 0:05:37.720 whole world. Imagine love like a beautiful new room in 0:05:37.760 --> 0:05:41.920 your house. It expands your life, but it doesn't replace 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:47.479 the entire structure. Here's a quick exercise. List five things 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:51.880 you love doing alone. Now list five people who love 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:56.440 you outside the relationship. Now list five goals that have 0:05:56.600 --> 0:06:00.920 nothing to do with love. These aren't extras or fillers, 0:06:01.720 --> 0:06:06.360 their anchors and anchors are what keep you steady when 0:06:06.360 --> 0:06:09.360 the waves come. One of my favorite quotes that I've 0:06:09.400 --> 0:06:14.360 heard is, don't become less so someone else can feel 0:06:14.440 --> 0:06:18.719 like more. Don't become smaller just to fit inside a 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:23.320 relationship that refuses to grow with you. Don't become who 0:06:23.480 --> 0:06:28.440 they prefer if it means forgetting who you are. Don't 0:06:28.480 --> 0:06:33.200 become responsible for someone else's insecurities at the cost of 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:37.680 your own confidence. Don't fall in love too fast. It's 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:42.320 when we fall fast that we ignore the mistakes. It's 0:06:42.360 --> 0:06:46.600 when we fall fast that we don't see clearly. When 0:06:46.640 --> 0:06:52.400 we slow down, when we're patient, everything becomes visible. We 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:56.640 can make better judgments, better choices, know our options better, 0:06:57.400 --> 0:07:01.520 and ultimately fall in love at a pace where love 0:07:02.040 --> 0:07:06.520 can always exist. When you fall in love fast, you 0:07:06.600 --> 0:07:09.920 usually fall out of it as quick. When you fall 0:07:09.960 --> 0:07:14.320 in love slow, it has the ability to outlast any 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:20.680 relationship you've ever had. Here's principle too, don't outsource your 0:07:20.760 --> 0:07:26.160 emotional homework. Our generation has a quiet habit. We want 0:07:26.160 --> 0:07:30.040 our partners to heal what we've never addressed. We want 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:33.200 them to heal our abandonment wounds. We want them to 0:07:33.240 --> 0:07:36.600 heal our insecurities. We want them to heal our loneliness. 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:38.960 We want them to heal our self worth. We want 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:42.480 them to heal our emotional history. But that's not love, 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:47.680 that's outsourcing. A partner can support your healing, but they 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:53.080 cannot be your healing. A partner can support your growth, 0:07:53.880 --> 0:07:58.480 but they can't do your growth. A partner can hold 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:02.280 your hand while you heal, but they can't walk the 0:08:02.320 --> 0:08:07.040 path for you. Research shows that the healthiest relationships are 0:08:07.080 --> 0:08:11.560 built by people who bring self awareness into the relationship, 0:08:12.040 --> 0:08:16.520 not self abandonment. Tell your partner how you feel. If 0:08:16.560 --> 0:08:21.440 you're anxious, name it. If you're avoidant, understand it if 0:08:21.440 --> 0:08:27.000 you're triggered, Explore it. If you're overwhelmed, communicate it. Love 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:30.680 can flourish when two people are growing, not when one 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:34.439 person becomes the emotional life raft for the other person. 0:08:35.320 --> 0:08:39.080 You can't expect someone to complete you when you haven't 0:08:39.160 --> 0:08:43.400 met yourself completely. You can't expect someone to complete you 0:08:44.200 --> 0:08:47.160 when you're still looking for love to fill the gaps 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:50.880 you refuse to face. You can't expect someone to complete 0:08:50.920 --> 0:08:54.840 you when you're asking them to heal wounds they never caused. 0:08:55.679 --> 0:08:58.840 You can't expect someone to complete you when you haven't 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:02.000 met the version of yoursel that's ready for real love. 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:28.200 Principal three, don't ignore the signals. People lose themselves in 0:09:28.280 --> 0:09:33.360 love overnight because they don't stay vigilant about the signs 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:37.360 they see. These are the signs you're losing yourself in 0:09:37.400 --> 0:09:41.960 a relationship. You apologize for things that aren't your fault. 0:09:42.800 --> 0:09:48.120 Your partner's preferences always override yours. Your goals feel smaller 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:53.600 and theirs feel more important. Your voice feels quieter and 0:09:53.679 --> 0:09:58.920 theirs feels louder. Your boundaries get blurry and they don't 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:04.000 respect them. Your world gets narrower, and you stop checking 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:08.280 in with yourself. Hearing this from a friend broke my heart. 0:10:09.280 --> 0:10:13.120 They said, I love him, but I don't love who 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:19.480 I become around him. That sentence says everything. If love 0:10:19.559 --> 0:10:24.520 is costing you yourself, it's not worth it. Healthy love 0:10:24.640 --> 0:10:27.920 won't ask you to shrink. It won't punish your ambition, 0:10:28.520 --> 0:10:32.040 It won't resent your independence, It won't dim your light. 0:10:32.920 --> 0:10:38.200 Because healthy love says, stay who you are, Grow alongside me, 0:10:38.840 --> 0:10:43.319 not beneath me. Stop ignoring red flags, just because you're 0:10:43.320 --> 0:10:47.600 attracted to them. Stop avoiding red flags just because you 0:10:47.640 --> 0:10:51.600 don't want to start over again. Stop avoiding red flags 0:10:51.800 --> 0:10:55.600 because the attention feels good after a long time without it. 0:10:56.320 --> 0:10:59.760 Stop avoiding red flags because you're scared this might be 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:04.400 the best you'll get. Stop avoiding red flags because you're 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:10.079 hoping their potential will one day become their reality. Whenever 0:11:10.160 --> 0:11:12.800 anyone breaks up and I asked them if they saw 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:16.760 the signs, they can name all of them. They never 0:11:16.800 --> 0:11:20.560 turned up on time, They never really messaged back. They 0:11:20.559 --> 0:11:23.920 made me chase them a little. They never fully gave 0:11:23.920 --> 0:11:26.960 me their attention when we were out together. They never 0:11:27.000 --> 0:11:29.840 defended me in front of someone who is being harsh. 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:34.440 They never encouraged my independence. When I told them what 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:36.800 I wanted to do, they didn't really have anything to say. 0:11:37.600 --> 0:11:40.320 All of a sudden, when someone breaks up with you, 0:11:40.320 --> 0:11:43.719 you can see everything clearly, But when you were with them, 0:11:43.720 --> 0:11:45.280 you let go of it because you were attracted to 0:11:45.320 --> 0:11:47.960 how they sounded, how they looked, what they did for work, 0:11:48.000 --> 0:11:52.679 what people thought about them. So many of us don't 0:11:52.760 --> 0:11:57.520 listen carefully to these signals. So many of us avoid 0:11:57.600 --> 0:11:59.920 these red flags that are staring us in the face, 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:05.599 and I get it. It's exciting, it's enthralling, it's intoxicating. 0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:08.439 Right when you find that person and it feels good, 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:11.200 I get it. I know you want to be held, 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:13.600 You want to feel safe. But do you want to 0:12:13.600 --> 0:12:16.960 be held for a night or held for your life? 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:20.120 Do you want to feel insecure when you're with them 0:12:20.320 --> 0:12:23.959 and still look for safety elsewhere? Do you want to 0:12:24.040 --> 0:12:28.520 say and here, I love you, but not really believe it. 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:36.400 So many of us avoid red flags because we're moving 0:12:36.400 --> 0:12:41.920 too fast. Here's principal four, the three love lines you 0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:47.840 must never cross. These are three boundaries the healthiest couples 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:55.559 never compromise. Number one autonomy. You maintain your own thoughts, interests, 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:59.920 and choices. The right person is not trying to change 0:13:00.320 --> 0:13:04.199 your interests and your choices. They may help you understand 0:13:04.280 --> 0:13:07.160 them more. They may help you learn about them more. 0:13:07.640 --> 0:13:11.320 They're not making you want more. If your partner doesn't 0:13:11.320 --> 0:13:14.319 want to start a business and you convince them they should, 0:13:14.920 --> 0:13:17.040 that doesn't mean you care about them. You just projected 0:13:17.080 --> 0:13:21.439 your goals onto them. If your partner feels you are 0:13:21.480 --> 0:13:25.640 not ambitious enough, you get to ask yourself what ambition 0:13:25.880 --> 0:13:29.040 means to you? You get to ask yourself what success 0:13:29.600 --> 0:13:35.360 means to you. Number two equity. Both people give, both 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:42.120 people receive, not ninety ten, not eighty twenty. Partnership means partnership. 0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:46.120 And here's the thing. In long term relationships, there will 0:13:46.120 --> 0:13:48.880 be times when one person does more than the other, 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:53.280 knowing that a few years later the other person could 0:13:53.320 --> 0:13:56.400 be doing more. But the point is both people are 0:13:56.440 --> 0:13:59.320 willing to give and receive and show up for each other. 0:14:00.040 --> 0:14:03.440 And the third is emotional honesty. If you're in a 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:09.840 healthy relationship, you can express discomfort without fear. You can 0:14:09.920 --> 0:14:14.560 say I need this without feeling judged. You can say 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:19.080 that hurt me without feeling weak. You can say I'm 0:14:19.160 --> 0:14:24.120 scared without triggering the other person. Couples who maintain these 0:14:24.160 --> 0:14:30.280 boundaries report stronger long term satisfaction and lower conflict because 0:14:30.280 --> 0:14:35.360 the relationship becomes a place of truth, not performance. Principal 0:14:35.440 --> 0:14:40.280 five fall in love with someone who loves your life, 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:44.480 not just you. One of the biggest mistakes people make 0:14:45.040 --> 0:14:48.480 is falling for someone who loves them but doesn't love 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:54.000 their lifestyle, their dreams, their values, their growth, their relationships, 0:14:54.160 --> 0:14:58.680 their independence. If someone loves only the parts of you 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:04.280 that serve them, it's not love, it's possession. Real love 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:08.440 says I don't want to be your whole life. I 0:15:08.520 --> 0:15:11.320 want to be a part of the life you're living. 0:15:12.280 --> 0:15:16.680 The right partner isn't threatened by your dreams, they're inspired 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:21.360 by them. The right partner doesn't shrink your world, They 0:15:21.440 --> 0:15:26.640 expand it. The right partner doesn't steal your identity, they 0:15:26.760 --> 0:15:31.280 celebrate it. If someone requires your disappearance in order to stay, 0:15:32.160 --> 0:15:36.880 they're not your person. They're a limitation. So many of 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:41.520 us get manipulated. We get limited by people who make 0:15:41.560 --> 0:15:44.120 our feel our dreams are too small. I'm sure you've 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:46.200 been with someone before and you said, hey, this is 0:15:46.200 --> 0:15:47.800 what I'm thinking of doing, and they said, well, I 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:49.800 don't know if you can really do that. I don't 0:15:49.800 --> 0:15:52.360 know if that's really possible. Now they may be saying 0:15:52.400 --> 0:15:55.360 it from a good intention, but you want someone who 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:57.640 engages with that and goes, how about tell me about it. 0:15:57.640 --> 0:15:59.200 I want to know about it. By the way I've 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:02.000 made this mistake is well, sometimes the realist in me 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:04.080 can just be like, hey, yeah, I don't think that's 0:16:04.120 --> 0:16:06.720 going to work. And I've had to learn that when 0:16:06.720 --> 0:16:09.600 someone's sharing an idea with me, I've got to engage 0:16:09.600 --> 0:16:13.440 with their excitement. I've got to engage with their enthusiasm. 0:16:13.600 --> 0:16:16.800 I've got to engage with their energy about this. I 0:16:16.880 --> 0:16:20.160 actually have so many friends last year who broke up 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:23.240 with their partners because their partners didn't like to see 0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:27.400 them shine. And this has become a real challenge right now. 0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:30.880 So many people are struggling with this where they're with 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:33.840 someone who doesn't want to see them work hard, who 0:16:33.880 --> 0:16:36.120 doesn't want to see them achieve, who doesn't want to 0:16:36.160 --> 0:16:39.840 see them grow because they'd prefer they played small so 0:16:39.880 --> 0:16:43.080 that it makes them feel better. If someone doesn't want 0:16:43.120 --> 0:16:46.600 you to win so that they feel better about themselves, 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:50.280 they're not your person. If someone doesn't want you to 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:54.200 grow so that they don't feel small, they're not your person. 0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:58.720 If someone doesn't want you to achieve things so that 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:03.520 they don't feel behind, and they're not your person. Your 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:06.399 person will want you to be the best version of 0:17:06.440 --> 0:17:10.680 you and tried to become the best version of them, 0:17:10.960 --> 0:17:15.480 because it's not a competition, it's connection. I once met 0:17:15.480 --> 0:17:19.520 a couple who'd been together for forty years. They didn't 0:17:19.520 --> 0:17:23.760 talk about soulmates or destiny or perfect matches. They said 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:28.879 something far more profound. We built two whole lives and 0:17:28.920 --> 0:17:33.520 then learned how to walk side by side. Their secret. 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:38.040 They never stopped becoming individuals. They never stopped tending to 0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:43.200 their friendships. They never stopped learning about each other. They 0:17:43.280 --> 0:17:48.440 never stopped growing together. They never stopped growing individually. They 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:53.600 never stopped choosing themselves, and they never stopped choosing each other. 0:17:54.240 --> 0:17:57.880 They understood that the healthiest relationships are not two halves 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:03.560 becoming one, the two people walking side by side, staying connected. 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:07.840 That's what's so interesting. We feel like we become one. 0:18:07.920 --> 0:18:10.320 When you meet the one you merge. It's you have 0:18:10.359 --> 0:18:15.240 one life. Now, it's a mistake. If two minds, two brains, 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:21.000 two hearts, how can you have one life. There's two 0:18:21.040 --> 0:18:23.720 lives that matter, and then the life of your relationship. 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:27.480 So here's the truth that I want to leave you with. 0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:32.520 You can fall in love this year without losing yourself. 0:18:33.560 --> 0:18:38.080 You can be committed and still be independent. You can 0:18:38.119 --> 0:18:42.840 give without disappearing. You can love someone deeply and still 0:18:42.880 --> 0:18:46.560 on the person you're becoming. Love is not meant to 0:18:46.600 --> 0:18:51.760 erase you. Love is meant to elevate you. So remember this. 0:18:52.760 --> 0:18:56.000 Choose the love that expands your world, not one that 0:18:56.080 --> 0:19:00.240 replaces it. Choose a love that helps you grow, not 0:19:00.359 --> 0:19:03.320 one you have to shrink for. Choose a love that 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:09.280 feels like partnership, not self abandonment. And most importantly, choose 0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:12.880 a love where you don't lose yourself because the right 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:16.720 person will never ask you to. If you just went 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:20.119 through a breakup, I hope this episode helps you. If 0:19:20.160 --> 0:19:23.280 you're in a relationship, I hope this episode helps you. 0:19:24.000 --> 0:19:26.600 And if you're looking for love, I hope this episode 0:19:26.640 --> 0:19:29.640 helps you. I made this episode because I think we 0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:34.080 cause ourselves so much pain when we fall in love fast, 0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:41.080 ignore the red flags, lose ourselves, don't protect ourselves, override 0:19:41.080 --> 0:19:45.480 our beliefs and values in order to desperately find love, 0:19:46.200 --> 0:19:48.360 only to still be alone at the end of it. 0:19:48.960 --> 0:19:53.080 Here's the sad truth. We change who we are so 0:19:53.119 --> 0:19:58.240 that they'll stay, and then they leave because we changed. 0:19:59.359 --> 0:20:04.040 It's so interest We lose people, not because we were inadequate, 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:10.360 but because we lost ourselves and that person wasn't our person. 0:20:11.400 --> 0:20:14.520 I think we put so much pressure on finding the 0:20:14.560 --> 0:20:16.760 person that we think if we find someone who shows 0:20:16.760 --> 0:20:21.960 interest in us, then that's enough, not realizing that interest 0:20:22.080 --> 0:20:26.320 doesn't mean long term intimacy. It doesn't mean long term connection. 0:20:26.480 --> 0:20:29.760 It doesn't mean that. So when I'm telling you do 0:20:29.840 --> 0:20:32.280 not lose yourself in a relationship, it's so that you 0:20:32.320 --> 0:20:35.320 always have yourself, so that you have the person you 0:20:35.400 --> 0:20:38.239 can rely on, so that you have the person who 0:20:38.320 --> 0:20:41.639 protects you. And then when you do find the right person, 0:20:41.680 --> 0:20:45.000 you'll be able to build something together. Whereas hoping everyone's 0:20:45.040 --> 0:20:47.919 the right person and pretending someone's the right person. How 0:20:47.960 --> 0:20:49.800 many times have you ever done that? Where you meet 0:20:49.840 --> 0:20:52.920 someone and you make them the perfect person. You make 0:20:53.000 --> 0:20:55.879 them the right person because that's what you want. You 0:20:55.880 --> 0:20:57.840 don't even get to know them because you're just projecting 0:20:57.880 --> 0:21:01.359 what you want onto them. I hope this episode saves 0:21:01.400 --> 0:21:07.439 you time and from the pain of lessons that you 0:21:07.480 --> 0:21:10.760 don't need to learn yourself. Thank you for listening. I 0:21:10.760 --> 0:21:14.359 hope you've subscribed. Remember I'm forever in your corner and 0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:17.240 I'm always rooting for you. Hey, everyone, if you love 0:21:17.320 --> 0:21:20.479 that conversation, go and check out my episode with the 0:21:20.480 --> 0:21:25.000 world's leading therapist, Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest 0:21:25.080 --> 0:21:30.840 questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, 0:21:31.000 --> 0:21:33.720 and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space 0:21:33.800 --> 0:21:37.200 right now, you won't want to miss this conversation. If 0:21:37.200 --> 0:21:41.960 it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. 0:21:42.000 --> 0:21:45.560 It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as 0:21:45.600 --> 0:21:47.800 you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.