1 00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:04,439 Speaker 1: I've seen so many good people who are excited, desperate, 2 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:09,080 Speaker 1: or impatient make bad decisions in love. Here's how not 3 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:12,080 Speaker 1: to be one of them. See falling in love can 4 00:00:12,119 --> 00:00:15,000 Speaker 1: be one of the most beautiful experiences in the world, 5 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 1: but it can also be the place where people disappear, 6 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:25,520 Speaker 1: not physically but emotionally, mentally, identity wise. We've all seen it, right. 7 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:29,200 Speaker 1: Someone meets a person they're excited about, and slowly their 8 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:32,960 Speaker 1: world becomes smaller. Their friends see them less, their goals 9 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 1: get blurry, their routines fall apart, their sense of self 10 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 1: starts to merge into the other person until they can't 11 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:45,000 Speaker 1: recognize where they end and where the relationship begins. So 12 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,879 Speaker 1: many of us dissolve into our relationships. One of the 13 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,920 Speaker 1: most shocking things is how many people will push away 14 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:57,840 Speaker 1: when we think we found our person. Your person won't 15 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:01,520 Speaker 1: let you push them away, and you won't because you 16 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:05,000 Speaker 1: won't leave your life for someone else. Because love was 17 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:09,560 Speaker 1: never meant to erase you. Love was meant to reveal you. 18 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:12,720 Speaker 1: So today I want to show you how to fall 19 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:17,319 Speaker 1: in love or deepen love without losing the most important 20 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:22,679 Speaker 1: relationship you'll ever have, the one with yourself. This episode 21 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,480 Speaker 1: is for people who want a relationship this year, or 22 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 1: want to strengthen the one they're in without losing their independence, 23 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 1: or their identity or their inner compass. By the end 24 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 1: of these thirty minutes, you'll understand how to build a 25 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:44,720 Speaker 1: relationship that feels like support not sacrifice, alignment not abandonment, 26 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:49,640 Speaker 1: growth not disappearance. Let's get into it. So why do 27 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:55,320 Speaker 1: we lose ourselves in love? Psychologists call it self expansion theory, 28 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 1: the idea that we merge with someone we love to 29 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:04,160 Speaker 1: grow and banned our identity. Now that's healthy. What's not 30 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:10,400 Speaker 1: healthy is when expansion becomes erasure. Here's what often happens. 31 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 1: The biggest mistake we make in love is we confuse 32 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:21,760 Speaker 1: being chosen with being safe. We confuse intensity with intimacy. 33 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 1: We confuse butterflies with compatibility. We confuse staying together with 34 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:35,160 Speaker 1: growing together. We confuse someone needing us with someone valuing us. 35 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,240 Speaker 1: Let me give you a real life example. I once 36 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:42,440 Speaker 1: coached someone who, whenever she entered a relationship, would slowly 37 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:45,880 Speaker 1: give up the parts of her life that made her her. 38 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:50,440 Speaker 1: She stopped her hobbies first, then she stopped seeing friends. 39 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 1: She adjusted her goals, then her schedule, then her standards. 40 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 1: When I asked why, she said, I didn't want to 41 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:04,320 Speaker 1: lose them, but the irony was heartbreaking. She was losing 42 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:08,640 Speaker 1: herself to keep someone else. And the research is clear, 43 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:14,240 Speaker 1: people who lose their identity in relationships experience more anxiety, 44 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 1: more conflict, and more insecurity. You know why because when 45 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:23,600 Speaker 1: you collapse your identity into someone else, you no longer 46 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:27,640 Speaker 1: know what keeps you steady. When they pull away, you 47 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: know it's time to leave. When dependency replaces partnership, when 48 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: fear replaces love, when hope replaces habits. So here's our 49 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:47,120 Speaker 1: first principle. Love should bring more joy in rather than 50 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 1: take more joy out. Love should give you the opportunity 51 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 1: to be more of you, not less of you. Love 52 00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: should be the doorway to express yourself fully, not hide 53 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 1: parts of yourself. If you find yourself losing yourself, it's 54 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 1: you doing it to yourself. We often say you made 55 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:14,000 Speaker 1: me do that, But if you're aware, if someone is 56 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:18,919 Speaker 1: manipulating you, is shifting you in that direction, don't just 57 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,720 Speaker 1: let go. It feels good at a start to give 58 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,760 Speaker 1: up everything you love for what they love, only to 59 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:27,359 Speaker 1: realize that if they loved you, why would you do 60 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:33,040 Speaker 1: that so it's so important to know our priorities before 61 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 1: we get into a relationship. If you're in a relationship, 62 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,560 Speaker 1: make sure you know what those priorities are too. So 63 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:44,000 Speaker 1: remember keep your life big. One of the biggest predictors 64 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:48,239 Speaker 1: of long term relationship success is how full your life 65 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:53,240 Speaker 1: is outside the relationship. That's so counterintuitive, right. One of 66 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 1: the biggest reasons you'll stay together with someone for a 67 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,400 Speaker 1: long time is if your life is good individually and 68 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: their life is good individually. Why. Because you bring greatness 69 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 1: to each other, you inspire each other. Science actually backs 70 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 1: this up. Studies on relationship satisfaction show that people who 71 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:16,840 Speaker 1: maintain friendships, people who maintain hobbies, people who maintain passions, 72 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:23,320 Speaker 1: people who maintain personal goals routines, all of that experience stronger, healthier, 73 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 1: more secure relationships because your partner fell in love with 74 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 1: a whole person, not a person who made them their 75 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:37,720 Speaker 1: whole world. Imagine love like a beautiful new room in 76 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:41,920 Speaker 1: your house. It expands your life, but it doesn't replace 77 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:47,479 Speaker 1: the entire structure. Here's a quick exercise. List five things 78 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:51,880 Speaker 1: you love doing alone. Now list five people who love 79 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 1: you outside the relationship. Now list five goals that have 80 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,920 Speaker 1: nothing to do with love. These aren't extras or fillers, 81 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:06,360 Speaker 1: their anchors and anchors are what keep you steady when 82 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,360 Speaker 1: the waves come. One of my favorite quotes that I've 83 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:14,360 Speaker 1: heard is, don't become less so someone else can feel 84 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:18,719 Speaker 1: like more. Don't become smaller just to fit inside a 85 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: relationship that refuses to grow with you. Don't become who 86 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 1: they prefer if it means forgetting who you are. Don't 87 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:33,200 Speaker 1: become responsible for someone else's insecurities at the cost of 88 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:37,680 Speaker 1: your own confidence. Don't fall in love too fast. It's 89 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 1: when we fall fast that we ignore the mistakes. It's 90 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:46,600 Speaker 1: when we fall fast that we don't see clearly. When 91 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 1: we slow down, when we're patient, everything becomes visible. We 92 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:56,640 Speaker 1: can make better judgments, better choices, know our options better, 93 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 1: and ultimately fall in love at a pace where love 94 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 1: can always exist. When you fall in love fast, you 95 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,920 Speaker 1: usually fall out of it as quick. When you fall 96 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:14,320 Speaker 1: in love slow, it has the ability to outlast any 97 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:20,680 Speaker 1: relationship you've ever had. Here's principle too, don't outsource your 98 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 1: emotional homework. Our generation has a quiet habit. We want 99 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:30,040 Speaker 1: our partners to heal what we've never addressed. We want 100 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,200 Speaker 1: them to heal our abandonment wounds. We want them to 101 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,600 Speaker 1: heal our insecurities. We want them to heal our loneliness. 102 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,960 Speaker 1: We want them to heal our self worth. We want 103 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 1: them to heal our emotional history. But that's not love, 104 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:47,680 Speaker 1: that's outsourcing. A partner can support your healing, but they 105 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 1: cannot be your healing. A partner can support your growth, 106 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 1: but they can't do your growth. A partner can hold 107 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:02,280 Speaker 1: your hand while you heal, but they can't walk the 108 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:07,040 Speaker 1: path for you. Research shows that the healthiest relationships are 109 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:11,560 Speaker 1: built by people who bring self awareness into the relationship, 110 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:16,520 Speaker 1: not self abandonment. Tell your partner how you feel. If 111 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:21,440 Speaker 1: you're anxious, name it. If you're avoidant, understand it if 112 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:27,000 Speaker 1: you're triggered, Explore it. If you're overwhelmed, communicate it. Love 113 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,680 Speaker 1: can flourish when two people are growing, not when one 114 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:34,439 Speaker 1: person becomes the emotional life raft for the other person. 115 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 1: You can't expect someone to complete you when you haven't 116 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 1: met yourself completely. You can't expect someone to complete you 117 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,160 Speaker 1: when you're still looking for love to fill the gaps 118 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: you refuse to face. You can't expect someone to complete 119 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 1: you when you're asking them to heal wounds they never caused. 120 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:58,840 Speaker 1: You can't expect someone to complete you when you haven't 121 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:02,000 Speaker 1: met the version of yoursel that's ready for real love. 122 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:28,200 Speaker 1: Principal three, don't ignore the signals. People lose themselves in 123 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:33,360 Speaker 1: love overnight because they don't stay vigilant about the signs 124 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 1: they see. These are the signs you're losing yourself in 125 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:41,960 Speaker 1: a relationship. You apologize for things that aren't your fault. 126 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 1: Your partner's preferences always override yours. Your goals feel smaller 127 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: and theirs feel more important. Your voice feels quieter and 128 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 1: theirs feels louder. Your boundaries get blurry and they don't 129 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 1: respect them. Your world gets narrower, and you stop checking 130 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:08,280 Speaker 1: in with yourself. Hearing this from a friend broke my heart. 131 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:13,120 Speaker 1: They said, I love him, but I don't love who 132 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:19,480 Speaker 1: I become around him. That sentence says everything. If love 133 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:24,520 Speaker 1: is costing you yourself, it's not worth it. Healthy love 134 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:27,920 Speaker 1: won't ask you to shrink. It won't punish your ambition, 135 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:32,040 Speaker 1: It won't resent your independence, It won't dim your light. 136 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:38,200 Speaker 1: Because healthy love says, stay who you are, Grow alongside me, 137 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:43,319 Speaker 1: not beneath me. Stop ignoring red flags, just because you're 138 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:47,600 Speaker 1: attracted to them. Stop avoiding red flags just because you 139 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 1: don't want to start over again. Stop avoiding red flags 140 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,600 Speaker 1: because the attention feels good after a long time without it. 141 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:59,760 Speaker 1: Stop avoiding red flags because you're scared this might be 142 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:04,400 Speaker 1: the best you'll get. Stop avoiding red flags because you're 143 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:10,079 Speaker 1: hoping their potential will one day become their reality. Whenever 144 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,800 Speaker 1: anyone breaks up and I asked them if they saw 145 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,760 Speaker 1: the signs, they can name all of them. They never 146 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,560 Speaker 1: turned up on time, They never really messaged back. They 147 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:23,920 Speaker 1: made me chase them a little. They never fully gave 148 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,960 Speaker 1: me their attention when we were out together. They never 149 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,840 Speaker 1: defended me in front of someone who is being harsh. 150 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 1: They never encouraged my independence. When I told them what 151 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,800 Speaker 1: I wanted to do, they didn't really have anything to say. 152 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,320 Speaker 1: All of a sudden, when someone breaks up with you, 153 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,719 Speaker 1: you can see everything clearly, But when you were with them, 154 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,280 Speaker 1: you let go of it because you were attracted to 155 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,960 Speaker 1: how they sounded, how they looked, what they did for work, 156 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:52,679 Speaker 1: what people thought about them. So many of us don't 157 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: listen carefully to these signals. So many of us avoid 158 00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,920 Speaker 1: these red flags that are staring us in the face, 159 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:05,599 Speaker 1: and I get it. It's exciting, it's enthralling, it's intoxicating. 160 00:12:05,679 --> 00:12:08,439 Speaker 1: Right when you find that person and it feels good, 161 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,200 Speaker 1: I get it. I know you want to be held, 162 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,600 Speaker 1: You want to feel safe. But do you want to 163 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,960 Speaker 1: be held for a night or held for your life? 164 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:20,120 Speaker 1: Do you want to feel insecure when you're with them 165 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,959 Speaker 1: and still look for safety elsewhere? Do you want to 166 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 1: say and here, I love you, but not really believe it. 167 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:36,400 Speaker 1: So many of us avoid red flags because we're moving 168 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:41,920 Speaker 1: too fast. Here's principal four, the three love lines you 169 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:47,840 Speaker 1: must never cross. These are three boundaries the healthiest couples 170 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:55,559 Speaker 1: never compromise. Number one autonomy. You maintain your own thoughts, interests, 171 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 1: and choices. The right person is not trying to change 172 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:04,199 Speaker 1: your interests and your choices. They may help you understand 173 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,160 Speaker 1: them more. They may help you learn about them more. 174 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:11,320 Speaker 1: They're not making you want more. If your partner doesn't 175 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:14,319 Speaker 1: want to start a business and you convince them they should, 176 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you care about them. You just projected 177 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:21,439 Speaker 1: your goals onto them. If your partner feels you are 178 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:25,640 Speaker 1: not ambitious enough, you get to ask yourself what ambition 179 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: means to you? You get to ask yourself what success 180 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:35,360 Speaker 1: means to you. Number two equity. Both people give, both 181 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:42,120 Speaker 1: people receive, not ninety ten, not eighty twenty. Partnership means partnership. 182 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:46,120 Speaker 1: And here's the thing. In long term relationships, there will 183 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,880 Speaker 1: be times when one person does more than the other, 184 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:53,280 Speaker 1: knowing that a few years later the other person could 185 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,400 Speaker 1: be doing more. But the point is both people are 186 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,320 Speaker 1: willing to give and receive and show up for each other. 187 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,440 Speaker 1: And the third is emotional honesty. If you're in a 188 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:09,840 Speaker 1: healthy relationship, you can express discomfort without fear. You can 189 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:14,560 Speaker 1: say I need this without feeling judged. You can say 190 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:19,080 Speaker 1: that hurt me without feeling weak. You can say I'm 191 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:24,120 Speaker 1: scared without triggering the other person. Couples who maintain these 192 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:30,280 Speaker 1: boundaries report stronger long term satisfaction and lower conflict because 193 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:35,360 Speaker 1: the relationship becomes a place of truth, not performance. Principal 194 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:40,280 Speaker 1: five fall in love with someone who loves your life, 195 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 1: not just you. One of the biggest mistakes people make 196 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:48,480 Speaker 1: is falling for someone who loves them but doesn't love 197 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:54,000 Speaker 1: their lifestyle, their dreams, their values, their growth, their relationships, 198 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:58,680 Speaker 1: their independence. If someone loves only the parts of you 199 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:04,280 Speaker 1: that serve them, it's not love, it's possession. Real love 200 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 1: says I don't want to be your whole life. I 201 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:11,320 Speaker 1: want to be a part of the life you're living. 202 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:16,680 Speaker 1: The right partner isn't threatened by your dreams, they're inspired 203 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:21,360 Speaker 1: by them. The right partner doesn't shrink your world, They 204 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 1: expand it. The right partner doesn't steal your identity, they 205 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 1: celebrate it. If someone requires your disappearance in order to stay, 206 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:36,880 Speaker 1: they're not your person. They're a limitation. So many of 207 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:41,520 Speaker 1: us get manipulated. We get limited by people who make 208 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:44,120 Speaker 1: our feel our dreams are too small. I'm sure you've 209 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,200 Speaker 1: been with someone before and you said, hey, this is 210 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 1: what I'm thinking of doing, and they said, well, I 211 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,800 Speaker 1: don't know if you can really do that. I don't 212 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,360 Speaker 1: know if that's really possible. Now they may be saying 213 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,360 Speaker 1: it from a good intention, but you want someone who 214 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,640 Speaker 1: engages with that and goes, how about tell me about it. 215 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,200 Speaker 1: I want to know about it. By the way I've 216 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,000 Speaker 1: made this mistake is well, sometimes the realist in me 217 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,080 Speaker 1: can just be like, hey, yeah, I don't think that's 218 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 1: going to work. And I've had to learn that when 219 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,600 Speaker 1: someone's sharing an idea with me, I've got to engage 220 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:13,440 Speaker 1: with their excitement. I've got to engage with their enthusiasm. 221 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,800 Speaker 1: I've got to engage with their energy about this. I 222 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:20,160 Speaker 1: actually have so many friends last year who broke up 223 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:23,240 Speaker 1: with their partners because their partners didn't like to see 224 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:27,400 Speaker 1: them shine. And this has become a real challenge right now. 225 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,880 Speaker 1: So many people are struggling with this where they're with 226 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,840 Speaker 1: someone who doesn't want to see them work hard, who 227 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,120 Speaker 1: doesn't want to see them achieve, who doesn't want to 228 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,840 Speaker 1: see them grow because they'd prefer they played small so 229 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:43,080 Speaker 1: that it makes them feel better. If someone doesn't want 230 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,600 Speaker 1: you to win so that they feel better about themselves, 231 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,280 Speaker 1: they're not your person. If someone doesn't want you to 232 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: grow so that they don't feel small, they're not your person. 233 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 1: If someone doesn't want you to achieve things so that 234 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 1: they don't feel behind, and they're not your person. Your 235 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,399 Speaker 1: person will want you to be the best version of 236 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:10,680 Speaker 1: you and tried to become the best version of them, 237 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:15,480 Speaker 1: because it's not a competition, it's connection. I once met 238 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,520 Speaker 1: a couple who'd been together for forty years. They didn't 239 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 1: talk about soulmates or destiny or perfect matches. They said 240 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:28,879 Speaker 1: something far more profound. We built two whole lives and 241 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:33,520 Speaker 1: then learned how to walk side by side. Their secret. 242 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:38,040 Speaker 1: They never stopped becoming individuals. They never stopped tending to 243 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:43,200 Speaker 1: their friendships. They never stopped learning about each other. They 244 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:48,440 Speaker 1: never stopped growing together. They never stopped growing individually. They 245 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:53,600 Speaker 1: never stopped choosing themselves, and they never stopped choosing each other. 246 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,880 Speaker 1: They understood that the healthiest relationships are not two halves 247 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 1: becoming one, the two people walking side by side, staying connected. 248 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,840 Speaker 1: That's what's so interesting. We feel like we become one. 249 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: When you meet the one you merge. It's you have 250 00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:15,240 Speaker 1: one life. Now, it's a mistake. If two minds, two brains, 251 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:21,000 Speaker 1: two hearts, how can you have one life. There's two 252 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,720 Speaker 1: lives that matter, and then the life of your relationship. 253 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,480 Speaker 1: So here's the truth that I want to leave you with. 254 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:32,520 Speaker 1: You can fall in love this year without losing yourself. 255 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 1: You can be committed and still be independent. You can 256 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:42,840 Speaker 1: give without disappearing. You can love someone deeply and still 257 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:46,560 Speaker 1: on the person you're becoming. Love is not meant to 258 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:51,760 Speaker 1: erase you. Love is meant to elevate you. So remember this. 259 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,000 Speaker 1: Choose the love that expands your world, not one that 260 00:18:56,080 --> 00:19:00,240 Speaker 1: replaces it. Choose a love that helps you grow, not 261 00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:03,320 Speaker 1: one you have to shrink for. Choose a love that 262 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:09,280 Speaker 1: feels like partnership, not self abandonment. And most importantly, choose 263 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,880 Speaker 1: a love where you don't lose yourself because the right 264 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,720 Speaker 1: person will never ask you to. If you just went 265 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:20,119 Speaker 1: through a breakup, I hope this episode helps you. If 266 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, I hope this episode helps you. 267 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 1: And if you're looking for love, I hope this episode 268 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,640 Speaker 1: helps you. I made this episode because I think we 269 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:34,080 Speaker 1: cause ourselves so much pain when we fall in love fast, 270 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 1: ignore the red flags, lose ourselves, don't protect ourselves, override 271 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:45,480 Speaker 1: our beliefs and values in order to desperately find love, 272 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,360 Speaker 1: only to still be alone at the end of it. 273 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:53,080 Speaker 1: Here's the sad truth. We change who we are so 274 00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:58,240 Speaker 1: that they'll stay, and then they leave because we changed. 275 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:04,040 Speaker 1: It's so interest We lose people, not because we were inadequate, 276 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:10,360 Speaker 1: but because we lost ourselves and that person wasn't our person. 277 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,520 Speaker 1: I think we put so much pressure on finding the 278 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,760 Speaker 1: person that we think if we find someone who shows 279 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:21,960 Speaker 1: interest in us, then that's enough, not realizing that interest 280 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:26,320 Speaker 1: doesn't mean long term intimacy. It doesn't mean long term connection. 281 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:29,760 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that. So when I'm telling you do 282 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,280 Speaker 1: not lose yourself in a relationship, it's so that you 283 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,320 Speaker 1: always have yourself, so that you have the person you 284 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,239 Speaker 1: can rely on, so that you have the person who 285 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,639 Speaker 1: protects you. And then when you do find the right person, 286 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,000 Speaker 1: you'll be able to build something together. Whereas hoping everyone's 287 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,919 Speaker 1: the right person and pretending someone's the right person. How 288 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 1: many times have you ever done that? Where you meet 289 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,920 Speaker 1: someone and you make them the perfect person. You make 290 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,879 Speaker 1: them the right person because that's what you want. You 291 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 1: don't even get to know them because you're just projecting 292 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:01,359 Speaker 1: what you want onto them. I hope this episode saves 293 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:07,439 Speaker 1: you time and from the pain of lessons that you 294 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,760 Speaker 1: don't need to learn yourself. Thank you for listening. I 295 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:14,359 Speaker 1: hope you've subscribed. Remember I'm forever in your corner and 296 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,240 Speaker 1: I'm always rooting for you. Hey, everyone, if you love 297 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,479 Speaker 1: that conversation, go and check out my episode with the 298 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:25,000 Speaker 1: world's leading therapist, Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest 299 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, 300 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,720 Speaker 1: and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space 301 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,200 Speaker 1: right now, you won't want to miss this conversation. If 302 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:41,960 Speaker 1: it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. 303 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,560 Speaker 1: It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as 304 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,800 Speaker 1: you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.