Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: January twentieth, two thousand and nine, Live from New York
Speaker 2: City and Washington, DC. It's The Daily Show with John
Speaker 2: Stewart's inauguration special Change Fest oh nine, Rebirth.
Speaker 3: Of a Nation, A night of history and balls.
Speaker 4: What a day, the inauguration of the forty fourth president
Speaker 4: of these United States, Barack Obama?
Speaker 5: He is.
Speaker 6: Or you didn't.
Speaker 4: Shy you guys, You really didn't know what was today?
Speaker 4: A long of you people have been waiting in line
Speaker 4: in Washington, d C.
Speaker 6: The inaugural drew.
Speaker 4: My god, it must be one or two thousand people
Speaker 4: to the mall. But for Barack Obama, the day began
Speaker 4: as it does for so many millions of Americans, with
Speaker 4: the awkward coworker car pool.
Speaker 7: Boy.
Speaker 4: That's a sound Bush probably doesn't hear too often. When
Speaker 4: he probably turned to Obama, what kind of.
Speaker 6: Booze are these.
Speaker 3: Happy booze?
Speaker 4: Better get in the car, be where they start throwing
Speaker 4: victory shoes. Actually in the car, Bush gave his last
Speaker 4: piece of presidential advice, which I believe was, you know
Speaker 4: those movies National Treasure, It's all true.
Speaker 1: Your gold is.
Speaker 6: Under your bed.
Speaker 4: Then it was off to the legislative red carpet, a
Speaker 4: veritable who's who.
Speaker 6: Who's that?
Speaker 4: Statesman, congress people, senators, world leaders, and of course two
Speaker 4: in yeah, the Bush daughters are fraternal twins. The first Lady,
Speaker 4: Michelle Obama looked absolutely gorgeous, the beau suggesting she is,
Speaker 4: in fact a gift for the American people. First Lady
Speaker 4: of Solaretha Franklin, took that idea to another less fortunate level,
Speaker 4: and of course, in a blatant attempt to top them,
Speaker 4: Maya angelou.
Speaker 1: Auh my Ma bo sings of the Triumph and Freedom.
Speaker 4: Not a big poetry fan anyway. Of course the ex
Speaker 4: presidents were there as well. There's Jimmy and Roslin Carter,
Speaker 4: always up for an open bar party, George H. W.
Speaker 4: Bush resplendent in what appears to be a yellow Dicky
Speaker 4: and purple ascot as, always dressed as the old's most
Speaker 4: foppish Vikings fan.
Speaker 6: And of course the Clintons.
Speaker 4: Came and uh, I'm sorry, are you on the list?
Speaker 6: Are you?
Speaker 4: It's c l I and t oh okay, boy, that's embarrassing.
Speaker 4: There's one other major figure. We'd be remiss if we
Speaker 4: didn't mention over the years, we've made our share of
Speaker 4: jives ad Vice President Dick Cheney's expense, painting him as
Speaker 4: some type of evil caricature, a Blofeldian super villain, someone
Speaker 4: out of Doctor Strangelove. But of course he's not that.
Speaker 4: He's more complex than that. He's a human being who
Speaker 4: is not evil.
Speaker 6: Oh are you kidding me? A wheelchair?
Speaker 4: I know you hurt your back, but you might as
Speaker 4: well get rolled out to Star Wars Imperial.
Speaker 7: March with a white cat in your lap.
Speaker 4: For God's sakes, a wheel chair, I might as well
Speaker 4: just get drawn with black and white ink.
Speaker 6: That's what happens.
Speaker 4: You hurt your back when you try to move those
Speaker 4: man sized safes by yourself. Now, I realize that humanity
Speaker 4: has a general moratorium on poking fun at people in wheelchairs,
Speaker 4: But of course today is a day for making history,
Speaker 4: and as so many other barriers have fallen, folks, m
Speaker 4: i'd like you to watch this wheelchair inspired comedy as
Speaker 4: President Bush and Dick Cheney enter the inauguration festivties and
Speaker 4: keep an eye.
Speaker 6: Out for it.
Speaker 8: Z what the I thought?
Speaker 6: I was?
Speaker 9: Hey, what the where am I going?
Speaker 6: Why are you taking me?
Speaker 4: Why do I always have to go to the undisclosed location,
Speaker 4: and then it was time for the benediction. The choice
Speaker 4: of Rick Warren was controversial because of views the many
Speaker 4: considered to be anti gay. So I assume the pastor
Speaker 4: of the not at all gay sounding Saddleback Church will
Speaker 4: bring a much needed, butch sensibility to these proceedings.
Speaker 10: We now commit our new president and his wife, Michelle,
Speaker 10: and his daughters Malia and Sasha into your loving care.
Speaker 6: Aliah, dude, is that.
Speaker 3: You're the anti gay marriage guy?
Speaker 6: And it sounds like you're.
Speaker 4: Quoting from all that jazz Meliah near did he pronounce
Speaker 4: Obama's daughter's names like he thinks they're delicious? But no
Speaker 4: minor controversy is going to call the enthusiasm of this
Speaker 4: crowd for this the most highly anticipated inaugural address of
Speaker 4: our lifetimes.
Speaker 11: Our nation is at war against a far reaching network
Speaker 11: and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened. Homes have been lost,
Speaker 11: jobs shed business is shutter, Our healthcare is too costly,
Speaker 11: our schools fail too many. The ways we use energy
Speaker 11: strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
Speaker 4: And then things got a little awkward.
Speaker 11: Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off,
Speaker 11: and begin again the work of remaking America. We gather
Speaker 11: because we have chosen hope over fee, unity of purpose,
Speaker 11: over conflict and discord. But our time of standing pat
Speaker 11: of protecting narrow winters and putting off unpleasant decisions, that
Speaker 11: time has surely passed.
Speaker 12: Barack's right beyond, there's the sad part.
Speaker 4: You know what Bush is probably thinking during that moment. Man,
Speaker 4: this guy's really sticking it to Clinton.
Speaker 13: It's is awkward.
Speaker 4: So the big speech was finally over, and Barack Obama
Speaker 4: called for a new American era of responsibility. But one
Speaker 4: problem still remained. How do you clear two point five
Speaker 4: million people off the Washington Mall? Now, I'm sure there's
Speaker 4: a button on Cheney's wheelchair that could accomplish that, but
Speaker 4: Barack Obama wanted a new approach.
Speaker 8: I have the distinct pleasure of introducing an American poet,
Speaker 8: Elizabeth Alexander.
Speaker 14: I know there's something better down the road. We need
Speaker 14: to find a place where we are safe. We walk
Speaker 14: into that which we cannot yet see.
Speaker 4: No, I'm not a laureate by any means, but uh,
Speaker 4: isn't this stuff supposed to rhyme? Can anybody help her out.
Speaker 4: And you know it's also been about twenty minutes since
Speaker 4: we've had a prayer. Anyone who could kill two birds
Speaker 4: with one stone. You the most adorable civil rights legend
Speaker 4: I've ever seen.
Speaker 6: You try it.
Speaker 15: You ask you to help us right for that day
Speaker 15: when black will not be asked to get back, when
Speaker 15: brown can stick around, when yellow will be mellow, when the.
Speaker 16: Red man can get ahead man, When when hold on,
Speaker 16: hold on, When blue will be allowed into.
Speaker 4: When pews, when we sent loose, when we rise above
Speaker 4: the minutia of Fusia.
Speaker 6: An orange screw orange.
Speaker 4: White House Bureau Chief Jason Jones was in Washington Jason o'
Speaker 4: father's speech.
Speaker 12: O'father's speech today.
Speaker 6: Don the speech.
Speaker 9: The speech was incredible, typical Obama inspiring rhetoric.
Speaker 11: This is the source of our confidence, the knowledge that
Speaker 11: God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
Speaker 9: Mixed with square joh determination for those who seek.
Speaker 11: To advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocence.
Speaker 11: You cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.
Speaker 6: Mm hmm.
Speaker 9: It's what this country desperately needs at this time.
Speaker 6: You know, I.
Speaker 4: Have to say, Jason, our nation's relationship to the Almighty
Speaker 4: messsage for our enemies.
Speaker 1: Isn't that Bush?
Speaker 6: Oooh?
Speaker 4: What?
Speaker 17: No?
Speaker 5: Not following here?
Speaker 6: No, no, no, no.
Speaker 9: This president had a new message for a new day.
Speaker 11: We will not apologize for our way of life, nor
Speaker 11: will we waver in its defense.
Speaker 9: There you go, pride to country, straight from the tap,
Speaker 9: all right, a real self esteem booster.
Speaker 4: But if I may, we will not apologize for a
Speaker 4: way of life, nor will we weaver in its defense.
Speaker 11: Quote joh John John, the cowboy days are over?
Speaker 6: Okay?
Speaker 17: God?
Speaker 18: When I even hear that, it just makes me want
Speaker 18: to take off my.
Speaker 6: Shoe and just jam it down.
Speaker 16: Your right.
Speaker 4: But those those aren't Bush's words. That was me reading
Speaker 4: the Obama quote you just played for me. I just
Speaker 4: did it in Bush's voice. It's it's the same rhetoric.
Speaker 4: You're the same rhetoric. But watch this.
Speaker 19: Eat them is a universal gift of Almighty God.
Speaker 11: The god given promise that all are equal, all are free.
Speaker 20: We will work with our friends and allies across the
Speaker 20: world to defend our way of life.
Speaker 11: We will not apologize for our way of life, nor
Speaker 11: will we waver in its defense.
Speaker 19: We can usher in a new era of enhanced prosperity
Speaker 19: and peace.
Speaker 11: America must play its role in US ring in a
Speaker 11: new era of peace?
Speaker 10: Did our generation advance the cause of freedom?
Speaker 11: We carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered
Speaker 11: it safely the future generations?
Speaker 6: Why are you doing this?
Speaker 18: Pipe?
Speaker 6: I don't know what am I supposed to do? All
Speaker 6: I know it's OK.
Speaker 21: Day one.
Speaker 6: We know I don't like it either.
Speaker 1: I know I don't like doing this either.
Speaker 9: It's like, why is cheese delicious on Italian food?
Speaker 4: But when you're melted on Chinese food it's disgusting.
Speaker 6: I don't know.
Speaker 9: I guess, Alsie, John, I guess when Op Obama says
Speaker 9: this stuff, I don't think he really means it.
Speaker 6: And that gives me hope.
Speaker 11: Can I go back to the party now?
Speaker 1: Yes, you can.
Speaker 11: Thank you.
Speaker 4: Jason Jones from the Washington Mall. Jason was down there
Speaker 4: all day in the freezing gulch. Now, this inaugural is
Speaker 4: hard to compare to any in our lifetimes.
Speaker 6: Here now, reporting live.
Speaker 4: From the Youth Inaugural Ball at the Washington Hilton is
Speaker 4: our own Wyatt Sanach. Hello, Wyatt, are you on?
Speaker 6: Can we hear you? John?
Speaker 5: I'm here and the excitement is palpable. Look, this is
Speaker 5: not a backdrop.
Speaker 6: This is real.
Speaker 5: It's incredible, President Barack Obama. This is something my grandparents
Speaker 5: thought they would never live to see.
Speaker 4: It's gotta be a sentiment tonight shared by many black families, Wyatt.
Speaker 15: Black families.
Speaker 5: Now I'm talking about cool families. Finally America has a
Speaker 5: cool president.
Speaker 6: Look. Check this out.
Speaker 5: This is a president dancing to Stevie Wonder two hours ago.
Speaker 5: I want to make fun of I really do, but
Speaker 5: I can't. He's too good and I'm black.
Speaker 18: Why.
Speaker 4: I'm sure he's a good dancer, he's cool, but that's
Speaker 4: not really the story here.
Speaker 5: Maybe not to you, because you're not cool, Wyatt.
Speaker 16: I am cool.
Speaker 5: No, you're not cool.
Speaker 6: You're you're all right? What's eye?
Speaker 5: Well, you're not cool, But you don't have to leave
Speaker 5: the party because you got like a hot sister or
Speaker 5: a car or something. But this this is crazy cool.
Speaker 5: Kanye West performed, and there was some other guy who
Speaker 5: was here. He's so cool. I've never even heard of him.
Speaker 5: At Bush's inaugural four years ago, you know who performed
Speaker 5: the Blowfish?
Speaker 6: The Blowfish John.
Speaker 5: They couldn't even get POODI.
Speaker 1: Fine, Obama's cool.
Speaker 4: How is that groundbreaking?
Speaker 6: Cool people?
Speaker 4: By definition? I've always had it easier right in high school.
Speaker 5: But they and everyone graduates and all the nerds go
Speaker 5: into politics, and then they stick it to the cool.
Speaker 6: Guys by outlawing pot.
Speaker 5: Today, that shameful chapter in our nation's history is finally over.
Speaker 16: Thank you very much, Wyat.
Speaker 6: No problem, what? No problem? Hey? Hey John? John? Quick
Speaker 6: question for you. Do you got any pot? No?
Speaker 4: I don't have any pot.
Speaker 6: Uh, that's that's too bad.
Speaker 5: Barbara Boxer had some Portuguese red hair with resin that
Speaker 5: was like super gloom.
Speaker 6: She is so cool.
Speaker 1: Thank you very much, Wyat.
Speaker 4: Also in Washington tonight, senior White House correspondent Samantha Beek
Speaker 4: she joined us from the party. Sam your thoughts on
Speaker 4: this historic night, Well.
Speaker 22: John, I was struck by Obama's message of responsibility and maturity,
Speaker 22: moved by his quote from scripture, it's time to put
Speaker 22: away childish things.
Speaker 4: I see, and tonight as you go around as that
Speaker 4: message being disseminated throughout the inaugural balls.
Speaker 22: Well John, I attended the Commander in Chief's ball and
Speaker 22: the Democratic ball. Now these two balls taken together, John,
Speaker 22: What I was struck by at these galas these.
Speaker 23: Parties, was joy tempered.
Speaker 22: With the knowledge.
Speaker 4: Oh I'm sorry, Sam, so while you were working the balls,
Speaker 4: you were struck with something.
Speaker 6: I'm sorry.
Speaker 22: I was in at the dances, really, John, Okay. As
Speaker 22: I conversed with the people at the events, there was
Speaker 22: a cautious optimism about the new direction.
Speaker 6: Did you say nude erection? All right?
Speaker 22: But John, this isn't my first inauguration. Okay, I've seen
Speaker 22: a lot of Washington balls.
Speaker 4: Nobody's questioned how many Washington balls?
Speaker 6: Start? This juvenile crap is over.
Speaker 22: We have had eight years of frat boy culture in
Speaker 22: Washington and it is done.
Speaker 6: Grow up.
Speaker 22: Okay, no more.
Speaker 6: Bush, h No, no Bush.
Speaker 22: It is time for us to be responsible.
Speaker 16: Members remembers.
Speaker 11: Duty.
Speaker 1: Look, I'm sorry, You're right. I apologize. That's that wasn't right.
Speaker 24: I'm sorry.
Speaker 4: It's a new era, it's a new president, new challenges.
Speaker 1: It's my bad.
Speaker 22: People were inspired today, jud people like Aretha Franklin. I mean,
Speaker 22: did you even listen to her today?
Speaker 6: Joe? Actually?
Speaker 1: I did hear it.
Speaker 4: It was amazing, Chuck, can.
Speaker 6: We roll that tap ah come.
Speaker 1: The song?
Speaker 11: I was good?
Speaker 6: I work with children.
Speaker 4: Okay, thank you Sam Samanth to be everybody.
Speaker 1: We'll do that back.
Speaker 3: January Monday, first two thirteen, Comedy Central's Worldviews headquarters in
Speaker 3: New York. This is the Daily Show with John.
Speaker 21: Stuart to the main event, the first Lady and those
Speaker 21: new banks.
Speaker 6: Yes, that was.
Speaker 4: It's a new haircut, and it is difficult to pull
Speaker 4: off something fun and flirty yet age appropriate.
Speaker 6: And she does it.
Speaker 4: She doesn't, so I'm not diminishing the significance. So the
Speaker 4: point is this first husband, Barack Obama, also had his
Speaker 4: public oath administered today by Chief Justice Roberts. Remember last
Speaker 4: inauguration and the two famously fumbled the task.
Speaker 17: That I will execute the office of President to the
Speaker 17: United States faithfully. Then I will execute the faithfully the
Speaker 17: President officer president of the President.
Speaker 11: Of the United States, faithfully, well.
Speaker 6: Courteous, kind, and forgiving.
Speaker 4: The President was nervous then, is understandable was his first inauguration.
Speaker 4: Let's watch them do it again this time and just
Speaker 4: for Schnick's while you're watching, imagine your Mitt Romney that
Speaker 4: I will faithfully execute that I will faithfully execute the
Speaker 4: office of President of the United.
Speaker 11: States, the office of President of the United States.
Speaker 17: And will to the best of my ability.
Speaker 4: But you know Romney's watching, and I guarantee you it's
Speaker 4: one of the first times that devout Mormon has ever
Speaker 4: used the phrase oh for sake. Of course, mister Romney
Speaker 4: was not in attendance, but not to fear. There were
Speaker 4: stars of plenty. Who better to spot them than Good
Speaker 4: Morning America contractual hostage George Stephanopolis.
Speaker 25: And look at that crowd gathered. Now it was Morgan Freeman,
Speaker 25: I think lately on the Capitol steps Bill Russell. I'm sorry,
Speaker 25: thank you, David Rodney.
Speaker 4: Now in George Stepanopolis's defense, all tall people look alike
Speaker 4: to him.
Speaker 6: I see great chins. I don't know.
Speaker 4: Still, for the rest of the morning, Stephnopolis did a
Speaker 4: very good job right here. Of course, we got Venus
Speaker 4: and Serena Williams coming after him. Only there there's Danny Glover, sorry,
Speaker 4: the lease eleven pounds. Oh, the dazzling Miss halle Berry
Speaker 4: looking fine, and.
Speaker 18: There's hook that.
Speaker 4: There's General Colin Pounder's girlfriend motown great Diana Ross. And
Speaker 4: here's a treat NBA Hall of Famer Bill Russell. Oh,
Speaker 4: the crowd loves him. And then it was time for
Speaker 4: the main event. The president's second inaugural address, and justice feared.
Speaker 4: The President came out as a liberal.
Speaker 11: We will respond to the threat of climate change. Our
Speaker 11: journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters
Speaker 11: are treated like anyone else under the law, Medicare and medicaid,
Speaker 11: social security. They do not make us a nation of takers.
Speaker 11: They free us to take the risks that make this
Speaker 11: country great.
Speaker 4: And one last thing, I want to make this clear.
Speaker 4: My healthcare plan is designed to kill your white grandparents.
Speaker 6: Kill him dead.
Speaker 16: Yep, thank you.
Speaker 6: Well.
Speaker 4: Of course, that full team coverage of today's storic events.
Speaker 4: We're going to start with analysis from Jessica Williams down
Speaker 4: at the Capitol. Jessica, what did you think of this week?
Speaker 26: OMG, John, I loved it. Okay, it was fresh, it
Speaker 26: was new, it was unexpected yet very classy.
Speaker 6: You know.
Speaker 26: I thought the speech really helped frame the President's agenda
Speaker 26: and an interesting and I think sexy is probably not
Speaker 26: the right word, but I'm gonna say it anyway.
Speaker 6: I'm assuming sexy.
Speaker 1: Way I get it.
Speaker 4: I'm assuming you're referring to your new bank, Jean.
Speaker 26: I'm not, but I what.
Speaker 6: Oh you mean? My boo boo boo boo bangs.
Speaker 4: Yes, John, it's a great new look. It's clear the
Speaker 4: First Lady has inspired.
Speaker 26: No, John, the first Lady. I've been sporting this for ages.
Speaker 6: I sort of We're.
Speaker 4: Gonna go out to al Madrigal. Al Madrigal's at the
Speaker 4: White House. He is gonna help us.
Speaker 19: John with many of Obama's closest advisors set to Lee.
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, I'm just gonna interrupt you here. Yes, John,
Speaker 4: I think we're all slightly distracted by.
Speaker 27: Uh by my banks.
Speaker 4: Yes, your bangs, you don't like them?
Speaker 6: No, I just be honest. I mean, if you're not honestly,
Speaker 6: we have nothing.
Speaker 4: All right, all honestly, it's it's not my favorite look
Speaker 4: for you.
Speaker 6: So no, I'm fat. No, I didn't say that. Let's
Speaker 6: go out to Jason Jones.
Speaker 4: Jason is covering things from the conservative side on the.
Speaker 9: Jason, thank you.
Speaker 6: John.
Speaker 9: The clear loser today American values. I think that the
Speaker 9: America that I grew.
Speaker 1: Up Jason, you're Canadian.
Speaker 9: Let me finish that I grew up above that America
Speaker 9: is gone. I don't care for this new bob ba
Speaker 9: ba banged America. Men can marry men, single women can
Speaker 9: get health insurance on pre existing conditions.
Speaker 6: What's next?
Speaker 9: Pulgamy in dreadlocks?
Speaker 6: Come on, where does it end?
Speaker 4: So you're representing that viewpoint with rue mcclanahan's Look what.
Speaker 6: This is, Nancy Reagan?
Speaker 9: Do not have known that McClanahan wore floral prints?
Speaker 6: Okay, I have to break in here, yes, Al Madrigal.
Speaker 18: Yeah, this is just a straight up attack on a
Speaker 18: beautiful woman and one of her my dear, very dear friends,
Speaker 18: Michelle Obama.
Speaker 6: And you know what, I will not stand for it.
Speaker 9: It's hey, Madrigal, campaign emails, isn't friendship pal?
Speaker 11: Show up?
Speaker 6: Nancy?
Speaker 4: All right, it's not just campaign emails.
Speaker 18: And we talk all the time on the phone Facebook.
Speaker 18: We've been closer three years after meeting on Twitter.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, Al, have you actually met the first
Speaker 4: lady in person?
Speaker 18: Not in person, but we were supposed to meet and
Speaker 18: she's so busy.
Speaker 4: Al, I think you've been had by Hawaiian uber prankster
Speaker 4: Naya to Yasa Sopo. But no, I'm so sorry, Al's
Speaker 4: I got two Yasa soaphone.
Speaker 9: Wow, somebody looks like an idiot.
Speaker 4: Thanks, guys, we'll be right back.
Speaker 6: I'll just it's finally happened.
Speaker 18: It took eleven long weeks, but it's finally here. I
Speaker 18: punched my tenth Subway sandwich card at Subway.
Speaker 6: Yes, free sub for t No tomorrow, No, no, I'm
Speaker 6: just joking.
Speaker 18: They obviously won't be at tomorrow because today this happened.
Speaker 7: Preserve, Protect, and defend, Preserve, Protect, and defend.
Speaker 17: The Constitution of the United States.
Speaker 7: The Constitution of the United States.
Speaker 4: So help me, God, So help me God.
Speaker 17: Congratulations mister President.
Speaker 18: No matter how many times you watch that, I don't
Speaker 18: think you'll ever get.
Speaker 6: Used to it.
Speaker 18: It's like seeing your dad's dick. Like I knew it
Speaker 18: was going to be there, but it's still upsetting. One
Speaker 18: of the main things Donald Trump has promised is that
Speaker 18: he will drain the swamp. He said he will drain
Speaker 18: the swamp that is Washington, and when you look at
Speaker 18: his inauguration crowd compared to President Obama's, you can see
Speaker 18: Trump kept that promise. On day one, Washington is drained.
Speaker 18: Mission accomplished.
Speaker 6: Trump.
Speaker 18: If you did miss the inauguration, or if you want
Speaker 18: to suffer one more time, let's do a quick recap.
Speaker 18: So basically, it starts just before noon Eastern time, and
Speaker 18: here we see President elect Donald Trump approaching the dais
Speaker 18: as hell fire spontaneously bursts from earth below, followed by
Speaker 18: members of Congress performing the traditional will of their submission
Speaker 18: to the new overlord as the peaceful transition of power.
Speaker 6: I'm just joking.
Speaker 18: I'm joking, guys, of course I'm joking. I mean it
Speaker 18: was much worse than that. Here's the thing, historically, and
Speaker 18: not just in America, most functioning presidents generally try to
Speaker 18: make their inauguration speech one of unity and positive vision.
Speaker 6: And you would hope the forty.
Speaker 18: Fifth president would have brought some of that. But it
Speaker 18: turns out hope was the exact wrong thing to have.
Speaker 7: America's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. One by one.
Speaker 7: The factory shuddered and left our shores, mothers and children
Speaker 7: trapped in poverty, rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across
Speaker 7: the landscape. And the crime and the gangs and the.
Speaker 28: Drugs, we all bleed the same red blood, the ravages destroying, ripped,
Speaker 28: robbed our country. This American carnage stops right here and
Speaker 28: stops right now.
Speaker 18: Did anybody have carnage, blood and decay on their inauguration speech,
Speaker 18: bingle card.
Speaker 6: Did anybody have that? Yeah?
Speaker 18: Yeah, is that the first five minutes of a presidency
Speaker 18: or a Terminator movie?
Speaker 6: What the hell is that?
Speaker 24: Blood and decay the bones?
Speaker 18: You know, no matter how we feel about today, at
Speaker 18: least we know how Trump will remembers.
Speaker 7: January twentieth, two thousand and seventeen will be remembered as
Speaker 7: the day the people became the rulers of this nation again.
Speaker 18: Well, actually, I have a feeling January twentieth, twenty seventeen
Speaker 18: will be the daytime travelers go back to to try.
Speaker 6: And save the future. That's what I think we'll.
Speaker 15: Remember it as.
Speaker 6: In fact, in fact, around.
Speaker 18: Eleven thirty today, part of me was expecting Marty McFly
Speaker 18: to show up.
Speaker 6: Like Doc, I'm so glad you're here. We got to
Speaker 6: stop him for the last time.
Speaker 5: I'm not Doc, I'm Bernie Sanders.
Speaker 6: Why does this pep happening to me?
Speaker 18: But for many people, the truth is today's speech didn't matter.
Speaker 18: What really did and what really hit home was once
Speaker 18: the ceremony was over and the Trumps were escorting the
Speaker 18: Obamas to their helicopter one final time, and they flew
Speaker 18: off into the sky, directly at Leicester Halts. Look at Lester,
Speaker 18: He's like, are they coming for me?
Speaker 6: What's happened?
Speaker 18: Someone's like Obama was flying, I'm leaving and I'm taking
Speaker 18: all the black people with me.
Speaker 6: Come on, Lester, come on.
Speaker 18: While the Obamas took to the sky, the Bidens took
Speaker 18: to the rails.
Speaker 6: Yes, look at that. I love that.
Speaker 18: Joe Biden is just holding one suitcase like he's been
Speaker 18: living out of a single bag.
Speaker 6: These past eight years.
Speaker 18: Of everything that happened, though, for me, the person who
Speaker 18: most captured the feeling of the day was first Lady
Speaker 18: Michelle Obama. It was all over her face, all over
Speaker 18: her face the whole time. It started in the morning
Speaker 18: at the White House when Milania gave Michelle a gift
Speaker 18: that she.
Speaker 6: Clearly didn't want, clearly did not want. She's hands it
Speaker 6: over to Obama and look at Obama. Look at him.
Speaker 18: He's like, Uh, just throw this anywhere I'm moving, it
Speaker 18: doesn't matter.
Speaker 2: Yeah, throw the trash.
Speaker 18: And by the way, by the way, in case you
Speaker 18: were wondering what was inside that box, it was just
Speaker 18: a tiny note from Milania that said help. The entire day,
Speaker 18: Michelle Obama's face was the barometer for most of America's feelings.
Speaker 18: But that face, Oh that she's not. Oh hell no, oh.
Speaker 6: Hell no, look at that face. That face is every
Speaker 6: emotion rolled into one.
Speaker 18: That's like, it's like, by Felicia, boy bye, I'd like to.
Speaker 6: Speak to your manager.
Speaker 18: I'm so done, all rolled into one. And you know,
Speaker 18: it's not hard to imagine why Michelle was feeling that way,
Speaker 18: because not only did Donald Trump move into the White House,
Speaker 18: but Republicans now control the House, the Senate, thirty two
Speaker 18: state legislatures, and thirty three state governors. Today almost felt
Speaker 18: like that scene in the Disney movie where the villain
Speaker 18: gets the upper hand. You know that feeling you get, like,
Speaker 18: remember when Mufasa died and then scar was the king? Yeah,
Speaker 18: I was there that day. Damn you Disney, because today
Speaker 18: feels just like that.
Speaker 6: It feels like a.
Speaker 18: Disney down day because Trump controls everything, which makes me sad.
Speaker 6: But on the other hand, it also means.
Speaker 18: That no more excuses, no more excuses. It's time to
Speaker 18: take your red cap off and rarely do shit because
Speaker 18: if you fail now you look like douches, and then
Speaker 18: I promise you'll be hated. Like Ted Cruz here is
Speaker 18: there's no more blaming, no liberal shaming, and.
Speaker 6: You can sign in any law. So we're waiting, though.
Speaker 6: Trump is frightening to us.
Speaker 18: So let's see him build that wall if.
Speaker 6: The bricks fit in his tiny little hat. You've got
Speaker 6: Paul Ryan as your bitch, and in the set that
Speaker 6: you've got Mitch, you've got the left in.
Speaker 18: Full retreats and a scholars empty seats.
Speaker 6: You're the fuss of the military.
Speaker 18: Now that I say it, that sounds scary, but it
Speaker 18: means that now we'll see just.
Speaker 2: What the truth is.
Speaker 6: So Donald J.
Speaker 18: Trump, no more eggs, excuse sis, no fall excuss.
Speaker 5: Let's see you.
Speaker 18: Two what you've been preaching more a long. Now that
Speaker 18: the Kenyon Muslims gone, it's time.
Speaker 6: For you to carry on.
Speaker 27: And make this country great.
Speaker 3: Dark guy, No.
Speaker 1: Excuses, no excuses, none your excuses.
Speaker 18: Today the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and
Speaker 18: McDonald's share price in Florida just went way up because
Speaker 18: America just got a brand new dad.
Speaker 20: Please raise your right hand and repeat after me, I
Speaker 20: Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.
Speaker 6: Do solemnly swear.
Speaker 20: I Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. Do solemnly swear that I
Speaker 20: will faithfully execute that I will faithfully execute the office
Speaker 20: of President of the United States, office of President of
Speaker 20: the United States, and will, to the best of my ability, will,
Speaker 20: for the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend, preserve, protect,
Speaker 20: and defend the Constitution of the United States, Constitution of
Speaker 20: the United States.
Speaker 21: So help you, God, So help me God.
Speaker 20: Congratulations, mister President.
Speaker 18: I don't know about you, but this moment will stay
Speaker 18: in my memory forever. Joe Biden's name is Robinette.
Speaker 6: What but that's right.
Speaker 18: As of noon Eastern time today, America welcomed the fresh
Speaker 18: young face of Joseph R. Biden as its forty sixth president.
Speaker 18: And despite the pandemic, this inauguration had it all former presidents.
Speaker 18: The youngest inoveral poet, an amazing singer wearing her own
Speaker 18: Etsy store, an old man on his way to the
Speaker 18: post office, and even a lady who's outfit just called
Speaker 18: me a broke bitch. Biden was so committed to unity
Speaker 18: that he even invited enemies of the States. Now I'm joking.
Speaker 18: I'm joking, guys, I'm joking. Ted Cruz didn't try and
Speaker 18: overthrow the government. He just supported the people who did.
Speaker 18: Even Mike Pence attended the inauguration to honor the democratic
Speaker 18: transition of power. Kudos to Mike Pence. You can see
Speaker 18: him there with his masque featuring the vice presidential seal.
Speaker 18: And as tradition dictates, once Kamala was sworn in, he
Speaker 18: gave that very same mask for her to put on.
Speaker 18: But before the new president could walk in, the old
Speaker 18: one had to be kicked out.
Speaker 25: There you see Marine one on the lawn of the
Speaker 25: White House. President Trump's still there, but as expected, depart
Speaker 25: any minute for Andrews Air Force Base and give a
Speaker 25: final speech before heading tomorrow Lago.
Speaker 7: And I can tell you that from the bottom of
Speaker 7: my heart, this has been an incredible four years. We
Speaker 7: rebuilt the United States military, we created a new force
Speaker 7: called Space Force, and now the stock market is actually
Speaker 7: substantially higher than it was at its higher point prior
Speaker 7: to the pandemic. So it's really you could say we
Speaker 7: built it twice. I hope that'll raise your taxes, but
Speaker 7: if they do, I told you so. So just a goodbye.
Speaker 7: We love you, We will be back in some form.
Speaker 6: Have a good life.
Speaker 7: We will see you soon.
Speaker 18: Have a good life. I don't know what a departing
Speaker 18: president is supposed to say. That's what you tell your
Speaker 18: best friend in high school when she starts dating your ex.
Speaker 6: I hope you too are very happy together, have a
Speaker 6: good life. If he dumbs you before a prom, I
Speaker 6: tell you so.
Speaker 18: Although I do like how he said, he'll be back
Speaker 18: in some form, because my man.
Speaker 6: Knows you gotta leave on a cliffhanger. I'll be back
Speaker 6: in some form.
Speaker 24: Maybe I'll come back as a politician, maybe as a
Speaker 24: mutant fish monster, or maybe I'll come back as one
Speaker 24: of those old guys with a bony jail.
Speaker 6: Stay tuned.
Speaker 18: But Trump's lost day in office wasn't all just whining
Speaker 18: and stealing silverware. No, my friends, he also made sure
Speaker 18: to hand out some very nice potsing gifts to all
Speaker 18: his friends.
Speaker 25: President Trump announces more than one hundred and forty pardons
Speaker 25: and commutations.
Speaker 29: The list ranges from the president's political allies to nonviolent
Speaker 29: drug offenders. Steve Bannon pleaded not guilty to defrauding donors
Speaker 29: in a fundraising campaign for President Trump's border wall, but
Speaker 29: before the trial could even get underway, the president gave
Speaker 29: him a preemptive pardon. Three former Republican congressmen and commuted
Speaker 29: the sentence of Detroit's former Democratic mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who
Speaker 29: was serving time on corruption charges. The president also pardoned
Speaker 29: rappers Lil Wayne and Kodak Black on their separate federal
Speaker 29: weapons related defenses.
Speaker 18: That's right, people, Donald Trump pardoned a ton of shady
Speaker 18: people in the lost hours of his presidency, which means
Speaker 18: those fraudsters can get back to de Fording and Steve
Speaker 18: Vannon can get back to selling musenics.
Speaker 6: The weird part, though, was how he kept trying to
Speaker 6: give prison time to Eric.
Speaker 24: I'm sorry, Eric, the ruling prison is one in, one out.
Speaker 6: It's just like the nightclubs.
Speaker 18: I'm gonna miss you, Eric, Jokes, have a good life now.
Speaker 18: What was really crazy is that Trump pardoned Kodak Black
Speaker 18: and Lil Wayne, which sounds.
Speaker 6: Like a good thing.
Speaker 18: I mean, it's cool to pardon anyone, guess, but it's
Speaker 18: a terrible thing to do to a rapper because you're
Speaker 18: taking away their street cred.
Speaker 6: Now, what are they gonna rap abouts?
Speaker 24: Yeah, young weezy baby, I can get enoughice job. Now,
Speaker 24: I get her to get a muggage at a good rate,
Speaker 24: legally buy a gun in all the states.
Speaker 6: Now you see me on the street, I'm my lady.
Speaker 6: Jerry did it where they're buddy? That is goody.
Speaker 18: Honestly, if you ask me, I think it's incredible that
Speaker 18: Trump didn't pardon himself because it means that even President
Speaker 18: Trump looked at Donald Trump's record and decided, Man, I
Speaker 18: can't let this guy off that easy. Then again, some
Speaker 18: people actually speculating that Trump secretly wrote himself a pardon
Speaker 18: that he can use later, and honestly, I hope that
Speaker 18: he did because he's Donald Trump, so you know he's
Speaker 18: just gonna end up wasting that pardon on some bullshit.
Speaker 18: Mister Trump, your car is illegally parked in a handicapped spot.
Speaker 6: You're getting a ticket. Well, now's the perfect.
Speaker 24: Time to use my one and only pardon. I'll see
Speaker 24: you when I come back from my game of now.
Speaker 18: Trump is not the first president to issue shady pardons
Speaker 18: on his way out the door. I mean Bill Clinton
Speaker 18: famously pardoned his brother and a rarely dodgy businessman whose
Speaker 18: ex wife donates it to Clinton's library. And yes, don't
Speaker 18: get me wrong, Trump took it to a whole new level.
Speaker 6: But he's not unique. If anything, I think he should
Speaker 6: have gone further. I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 18: I'm really pissed off that of all the people Trump
Speaker 18: chose to pardon, he didn't pardon Joe Exotic because I
Speaker 18: don't know about you, but I want no I need
Speaker 18: a second season of that show.
Speaker 6: I need more Tiger King Not.
Speaker 18: The only thing I can watch on Netflix is that
Speaker 18: Bridgeton show every day Bridgington Bridgeton.
Speaker 6: Now, I'm falling in love with that duke.
Speaker 18: Now I'm sitting there wondering what how babies would look
Speaker 18: like if we were a couple, probably like us. And
Speaker 18: it wasn't just last minute pardons. Last night, at literally
Speaker 18: one o'clock in the morning, Donald Trump also did this.
Speaker 23: Breaking overnight, President Donald Trump signing an executive order releasing
Speaker 23: current and former members of his administration from the terms
Speaker 23: of their ethics pledge. That pledge one of Trump's first
Speaker 23: executive orders back in twenty seventeen, when he pledged to
Speaker 23: drain the swamp. It required Trump's political appointees to agree
Speaker 23: to the lobbying ban, as well as pledged not to
Speaker 23: undertake work that would require them to register as a
Speaker 23: foreign agent after leaving government.
Speaker 18: So, after all that time talking about how he's going
Speaker 18: to drain the swamp. The one rule he actually made
Speaker 18: to reduce corruption he got rid of right before he
Speaker 18: left office. But let's be real, though, people electing Trump
Speaker 18: to reduce corruption is like hiring Hilaria Baldwin to handle
Speaker 18: your PR crisis. The results are going to be no bueno.
Speaker 18: But on the other hand, I do get why he's
Speaker 18: doing this. Trump's staffers have to become lobbyists. I mean,
Speaker 18: where else are they going to go with their resumes?
Speaker 18: So why do you think you'd be a good employee
Speaker 18: for a pets plus, Well, you guys keep pets and cages,
Speaker 18: and we used to keep kids in cages.
Speaker 6: Uh, okay, we'll be in touch.
Speaker 18: And so with Trump finally going, it was time for
Speaker 18: President Biden to get the key from under the match
Speaker 18: and settle into the house that they'd spent all day
Speaker 18: getting ready for him.
Speaker 13: Right now, the White House resident staff are going around
Speaker 13: the White House and boxing up anything that the Trump
Speaker 13: family may have left behind. Trump officials insist that the
Speaker 13: place is going to be sanitized with particular care and
Speaker 13: COVID nineteen in mind.
Speaker 8: Part of what is going to be moved in and
Speaker 8: different in the White House residence. Is that the Bidens
Speaker 8: will I hear share a bedroom. The Trump's of course,
Speaker 8: had separate bedrooms, so this will be switched. All the
Speaker 8: mattresses will be refreshed.
Speaker 27: We're so used to seeing the new president walk up
Speaker 27: the steps under the north portico into the White House
Speaker 27: to be greeted by the outgoing president of the United States,
Speaker 27: and there you saw Joe Biden and the first Lady
Speaker 27: not greeted by anybody outside the front door of the
Speaker 27: White House. In fact, the previous president had skipped down
Speaker 27: before the inauguration, so Biden left there to sort of
Speaker 27: be a self greet in many ways and let himself
Speaker 27: into the White House into the front door.
Speaker 18: Yeah, Trump wasn't there to greek Biden at the White House,
Speaker 18: which is a snub. But on the other hand, I'm
Speaker 18: not sure that Trump needs to be there now because
Speaker 18: how would that conversation even go.
Speaker 6: You know what actually needs.
Speaker 18: To work here, so you don't need to show me
Speaker 18: where the situation room is the sit you what room?
Speaker 6: Now?
Speaker 18: I know it's inauguration Day and everyone wants to throw
Speaker 18: a party, but remember it's also Weddins Day, which means
Speaker 18: it's slow work day, and so after he got back
Speaker 18: to the White House, President Joseph Robinette Biden went straight
Speaker 18: to work. And let's just say the White House bathroomsn't
Speaker 18: the only place Biden is looking to wipe out any
Speaker 18: trace of Donald Trump.
Speaker 19: Just hours after being sworn in, President Joe Biden is
Speaker 19: already putting the pen to a number of executive orders.
Speaker 19: This is common practice as presidents enter office.
Speaker 30: Biden expected to sign roughly a dozen executive orders, undoing
Speaker 30: some of Donald Trump's most controversial move He will immediately
Speaker 30: rejoin the Paris Climate accurt, reportedly canceled the Keystone Pipeline,
Speaker 30: and will reverse the so called Muslim travel band, and
Speaker 30: take the first step in his fight against COVID, mandating
Speaker 30: masks on federal lands and extending the pause of student
Speaker 30: loan payments.
Speaker 18: Wow, that is a huge reversal of Trump's legacy, rejoining
Speaker 18: the Paris Accords, canceling the Keystone Pipeline, and even repealing
Speaker 18: the infamous Muslim Band. Although with America's COVID rates right now,
Speaker 18: I don't actually think that last one is gonna make
Speaker 18: much of a difference.
Speaker 6: Come on over, Muslim countries, come on to America.
Speaker 18: Actually we have zoom now, so you guys kind of
Speaker 18: keep your coffee.
Speaker 6: Now.
Speaker 18: This is really good news, and I'm glad that America
Speaker 18: is rejoining the Paris Accord.
Speaker 6: But you gotta admit this back and forth.
Speaker 18: This must be so weird for other countries because under Obama,
Speaker 18: Americas celebrate to the Paris Accords.
Speaker 6: But then under Trump it was like.
Speaker 18: The Paris Accords, let the planet burn, and the now
Speaker 18: on to Biden. It's like, all right, guys, I'm I'm
Speaker 18: back in the Paris Accords.
Speaker 6: Sorry. Yeah, and I'm also back on my mads.
Speaker 18: Sorry about that. So, my friends, Donald's christ that was crazy.
Speaker 18: Trump has officially departed the White House for the last time.
Speaker 18: And I know, I know that many people are angry
Speaker 18: right now the state that he left this country, and
Speaker 18: but I implore you to try and look at the
Speaker 18: few silver linings. One, America survived Trump and in doing so,
Speaker 18: displayed its resilience. And two, Trump's term has truly exposed
Speaker 18: so many of the flaws in America's system. And I know,
Speaker 18: for some day one of Joe Biden's presidency may be
Speaker 18: too soon to think about fixing America's problems. But You
Speaker 18: need to start fixing them now, because before you know
Speaker 18: it's twenty twenty four will be here and Donald Trump
Speaker 18: might be back.
Speaker 6: In some form.
Speaker 3: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 3: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten.
Speaker 10: Central on Comedy Central, and streamful episodes anytime on Bear
Speaker 10: Amount plus
Speaker 15: Paramount Podcasts