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Speaker 1: Kay and I wrote a book. We wrote a book, y'all,

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Speaker 1: So I guess you can add author to my resume.

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Speaker 1: We fancy y'all and as Hey, I'm Cadine and we're

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Speaker 1: the ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny

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Speaker 1: videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as

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Speaker 1: a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy

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Speaker 1: most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention,

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Speaker 1: we're married. We all. We created this podcast to open

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Speaker 1: dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most

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Speaker 1: folks don't want to talk about through the lens of

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Speaker 1: a millennium married couple. Dead adds is the term that

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Speaker 1: we say every day. So when we say dead ass,

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Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and

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Speaker 1: nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow talk

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Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: So last year, around April, coming up on my birthday,

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Speaker 1: we were approached with an opportunity to co author a book,

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Speaker 1: Kaudine and I, and at first we were like, I

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Speaker 1: really want to write no book. Like we have our podcasts,

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Speaker 1: we do so much content on social media. I like

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Speaker 1: writing my little uh notes to k underneath my captions

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Speaker 1: and stuff like that. I felt like that was my space.

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Speaker 1: I felt like that's what I wanted to do. Plus, UM,

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Speaker 1: I feel like you all. Honestly, I feel like relationship

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Speaker 1: books be cheesy because I feel like there's no one

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Speaker 1: way to design a perfect relationship, you know. So I

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Speaker 1: was kind of like, now I don't really want to

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Speaker 1: write a book in and k I was like, you

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Speaker 1: don't really want to write a book neither. So then

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Speaker 1: we sat down with the publishing company. We sat down

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Speaker 1: with Penguin Random House. Um, we sat down with the

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Speaker 1: literary agent at CIA, and we actually discussed what a

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Speaker 1: book would look like if we co wrote a book,

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Speaker 1: and can I decided that the only way we're going

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Speaker 1: to write a book is if we can write this

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Speaker 1: book differently than any other relationshipship book has ever been written.

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Speaker 1: So they were like, what do you mean? I said,

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Speaker 1: so first, if we're gonna do a relationship book, it's

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Speaker 1: not going to be a collective thought that Codein and

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Speaker 1: I said, these are the pillars that make a perfect relationship. No,

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Speaker 1: I want to write from my voice and Codein wants

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Speaker 1: to write from her voice, and what we want we

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Speaker 1: want people to read the book understanding that every story

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Speaker 1: has two different perspectives, and understand that you can learn

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Speaker 1: more about our relationship hearing Cadein's perspective about how we met,

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Speaker 1: and then hearing my perspective about how we met, and

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Speaker 1: then hearing a collective respective perspective about how we got

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Speaker 1: through those moments. So they was like, Wow, that's never

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Speaker 1: been done before. So we chose to move forward and

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Speaker 1: write the book. And I guarantee you, guys, when you

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Speaker 1: sit down and read this book, it's not gonna be

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Speaker 1: like any relationship book you ever read in your life.

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Speaker 1: To goodbye, I need to get bye. Uh. Then I

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Speaker 1: come out of nowhere short of young man for you.

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Speaker 1: Anytime you need me, you're really going in your world.

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Speaker 1: Believe me. Nothing to make a man feel better than

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Speaker 1: a man queen with a ground that be down for whatever.

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Speaker 1: There's a few things that's forever, My lady. We could

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Speaker 1: make warring made babies back when I was nothing. You

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Speaker 1: made a brother feel like he was something. That's why

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Speaker 1: I'm with you till his day. Boom, No front that

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Speaker 1: is that is us not to mention both the artists

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Speaker 1: from New York Shouling the showering temple. Shoutout Wu tang

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Speaker 1: met the man from Stotton Island. Yes, Mary is from

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Speaker 1: Mount Vernon. That's a good one. That was the name

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Speaker 1: of our book. It was what was your role? I need?

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Speaker 1: I love that all right, y'all. But all we need

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Speaker 1: to do is pay some bills. So we're gonna do

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Speaker 1: that and come back and we're gonna dive more into

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Speaker 1: We over me, y'all. We're gonna tell you all about

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Speaker 1: this whole book writing process. Babies, stay tuned, all right, guys,

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Speaker 1: we're back. We are back. We over me, y'all. The

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Speaker 1: counter intuitive approach to getting what you want out of

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Speaker 1: your relationship. Man, let me tell you all. First of all,

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Speaker 1: I had like me. Yeah, I know me by now.

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Speaker 1: I'm cool with de valve Well, I'm cool with devl A,

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Speaker 1: but I'm cool with him for example, filming me like

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Speaker 1: looking tattered and tired around the house and like fresh

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Speaker 1: up in the morning makeup. I know you don't look

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Speaker 1: to at it in tired. Maybe not in the beginning,

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Speaker 1: maybe in the end. Maybe it's been a long twenty years, y'all, um,

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Speaker 1: but yeah, you used to me doing the videos like that,

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Speaker 1: which I'm totally cool with that you've seen you know,

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Speaker 1: of course, like the Slidelight shoots and like all the

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Speaker 1: fun things like that to me is fun and and

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Speaker 1: great and I'm all for it. But let me tell

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Speaker 1: you all about the anxiety that I had around this book.

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Speaker 1: I don't know what it was for me with this process.

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Speaker 1: First of all, I will say the process was far

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Speaker 1: less daunting than I thought it was going to be,

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Speaker 1: because if it required me to just put fingers to

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Speaker 1: keyboard and type out a book, it was never gonna happen.

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Speaker 1: But what I did love about the process is that

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Speaker 1: we partnered with our writer. We actually had an interview

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Speaker 1: process with a couple of different people, and then we

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Speaker 1: sat down with a writer who we selected that we

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Speaker 1: felt like knew enough about our history UM and you know,

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Speaker 1: and had some work on her bell. She understood our voice,

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Speaker 1: so it was perfect to have these touch based sessions

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Speaker 1: with her. UM. But we would kind of just through

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Speaker 1: a zoom sit down and she would ask us a

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Speaker 1: variety of questions about particular portions of our life. Well,

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Speaker 1: what we have to tell them? First? How she got

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Speaker 1: to the questions? So the first thing is we we

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Speaker 1: told her our love story, and we told her exactly

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Speaker 1: how we wanted the story to be told, and she

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Speaker 1: did her research too by watching a lot of our

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Speaker 1: footage and things like that. I think she had already

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Speaker 1: been like kind of you know, following the yeah, but um.

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Speaker 1: When when we first agreed to do this book, I

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Speaker 1: told him, I said, I do not want to do

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Speaker 1: a Pillars book, you know, the Five Pillars to Love

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Speaker 1: by the Eldest is. No. I didn't want to do

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Speaker 1: nothing like that. I wanted it to be like The Notebook.

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Speaker 1: Kadeina and I fell in love with this movie called

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Speaker 1: The Notebook, and it's a story about a young couple

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Speaker 1: and it starts from their courting process until their old

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Speaker 1: sixty year old people and they actually fall in love

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Speaker 1: and die holding hands in the nursing home together. And

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Speaker 1: the way we learned about their love story was through

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Speaker 1: their memoirs. As she, I believe, was going through Alzheimer's

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Speaker 1: so she couldn't remember, so she was reading some notes

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Speaker 1: and stuff, and that's how we learned about their love

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Speaker 1: story through the Notebook. So the concept us for us

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Speaker 1: to create our version of the Notebook, and it was

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Speaker 1: going to be our memoirs. Memoirs through the years of

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Speaker 1: when we first met at eighteen, all the way up

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Speaker 1: until we became adults. But the difference is we weren't

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Speaker 1: going to write it from one perspective. We were going

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Speaker 1: to write it from both Cadean's perspective and my perspective.

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Speaker 1: So it was kind of like, how are we going

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Speaker 1: to do this? You know? We first wrestled with doing

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Speaker 1: a double sided front cover, which means if you look

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Speaker 1: at the book one way, it would be devals version,

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Speaker 1: and if you flipped and turn it the other way,

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Speaker 1: it was Cadean's version. And we wrestled with that, and

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Speaker 1: we were kind of like, I don't want to do

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Speaker 1: that because I don't want anyone to read my whole

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Speaker 1: story first create their whole idea narrative about what's right

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Speaker 1: or wrong, and then read Cadean's or vice versus right,

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Speaker 1: because we never wanted it to be like, oh, I

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Speaker 1: side with the valor side with Dean kind of a thing.

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Speaker 1: It's just like, wow, here, here's how two individuals work together,

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Speaker 1: and you get the different perspectives simultaneously about the same situation,

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Speaker 1: and how we both kind of unpacked and arrived at

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Speaker 1: certain you know, um destinations. Yes, you know It's very

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Speaker 1: similar to like the podcast. I tell a story, Codeine

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Speaker 1: gives her version of the story. I tell how her

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Speaker 1: ideas of what she thought and the story made me feel.

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Speaker 1: She does the same thing, and then we come to

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Speaker 1: an ultimate conclusion of how that story made us better

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Speaker 1: moving forward. The book is about that. Um. We chose

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Speaker 1: a series of stories from the time we were eighteen

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Speaker 1: up until we had children that were really UM dynamic

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Speaker 1: in our relationship. I said, those would be the stories

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Speaker 1: that when you think about moments that created the version

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Speaker 1: of Codein and the value see today, it's like, I

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Speaker 1: remember that and I see why they moved. They were

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Speaker 1: the way they moved today. For sure. Definitely, I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of pivotal moments in our relationships, moments that

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Speaker 1: would have caused a make or break situation UM, and

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Speaker 1: sometimes broke us. But it was the way that we

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Speaker 1: were able to kind of rebuild from that or recover

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Speaker 1: from those moments. UM. So yeah, we sat down with

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Speaker 1: with Leah and we had these conversations, and then after

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Speaker 1: having these conversations, she would formulate questions for us too

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Speaker 1: then answer UM. And the easiest way for both of us,

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Speaker 1: since we're always on the goal was to just voice

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Speaker 1: noted right. So I mean some of my voice notes

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Speaker 1: for particular questions ranged from you know, fifteen minutes to

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Speaker 1: sometimes thirty five minutes, you know, depending on how long

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Speaker 1: my answer had to be. And then she had the

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Speaker 1: task of transcribing and then putting it together and making

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Speaker 1: sure that it was authentic to our voice. And then

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Speaker 1: there were several different back and forth sessions where you know,

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Speaker 1: she and the editors would work on it, send it

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Speaker 1: back to de Val and I and then that's when

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Speaker 1: we were able to kind of go in and fill

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Speaker 1: in the gaps now because but it wasn't just about

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Speaker 1: filling the gaps. First got the notes back and said,

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Speaker 1: this doesn't sound exactly like me. So Codine went through

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Speaker 1: being the nerd that she is and changed everything to

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Speaker 1: where it sounds exactly like her. You know how controlling

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Speaker 1: I am, so I had to do the it really

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Speaker 1: the same thing. But I will say this, though you

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Speaker 1: think you're gonna learn a lot about us by reading

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Speaker 1: this book, I learned a lot about codeem because for

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Speaker 1: the first time in twenty years, I sat down and

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Speaker 1: read all of her thoughts on what we were doing

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Speaker 1: and where we were going. In those certain moments, and

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Speaker 1: I learned more about her. And I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of people are looking at us now and if you

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Speaker 1: look at something like they seem to be more happy

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Speaker 1: now than they were when we first started listening to

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Speaker 1: this podcast. And I honestly believe writing this book helped

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Speaker 1: me understand my wife's perspective. I also learned a lot

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Speaker 1: about her family. That's a really good point when you

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Speaker 1: say that, because why we always talk about communicating right,

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Speaker 1: And one thing I struggled with over the course of

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Speaker 1: our relationship is how to communicate effectively with you. And

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Speaker 1: sometimes my thoughts get jumbled or I may not be

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Speaker 1: able to eloquently expressed to you in real time through

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Speaker 1: a conversation verbal how I feel. But I always been

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Speaker 1: a writer, you know that, like that, that was always

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Speaker 1: my thing. English was always my strongest subject. To this day,

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Speaker 1: I'm like grammar police. The kids already know what time

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Speaker 1: it is when I come with my highlighter. Right absolutely,

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Speaker 1: I'm like browing the captions off your apostrophes in the

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Speaker 1: wrong spot. Like so for me, I feel like I

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Speaker 1: was really in my element because instead of now having

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Speaker 1: anxiety over the book now, once I got kind of

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Speaker 1: the skeleton that Leah gave us from transcribing the voice notes,

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Speaker 1: I was then able to not go in and just

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Speaker 1: add the meat to it, right, And I felt like

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Speaker 1: I was really in a moment where I can just

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Speaker 1: read reread, and you reading those portions of it was

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Speaker 1: almost like therapy sessions again, right, because you're able to see, yeah.

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Speaker 1: And we had moments where both of both of us

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Speaker 1: would walk in on each other, you know, like, oh, baby,

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Speaker 1: I know you're working on the book downstairs and by

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Speaker 1: yourself and not popping to just check on him, see

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Speaker 1: if he's good, needs anything, And he would almost be

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Speaker 1: terry eyed. And then he did the same thing with me,

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Speaker 1: and I'd be like, oh my god, like I'm really

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Speaker 1: sitting in these moments again and just pulling on my

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Speaker 1: memory and pulling on how I felt certain moments, and

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Speaker 1: it was so tangible that it was like reliving those

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Speaker 1: moments all over again. Some not so good, you know,

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Speaker 1: there were some moments that I, you know, what's funny,

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Speaker 1: there were some moments that was so traumatic for us

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Speaker 1: that you put them away and you locked the door

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Speaker 1: and you throw away the key. In your mind, you

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Speaker 1: like this never happened until you're asked a direct question

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Speaker 1: and you have to answer it and it unlock, It

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Speaker 1: unloads all of this emotion onto the page. And then

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Speaker 1: I'm reading your version and I'm just like, that's what

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Speaker 1: she was thinking that whole time, because sometimes you can't

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Speaker 1: express eloquently how you feel in the moment because you're

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Speaker 1: too emotional. So even when we were going through those moments,

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Speaker 1: some happy and some sad moments, some scary moments, you know,

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Speaker 1: I never really fully understood what you were going through.

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Speaker 1: Reading the book now made me be like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: Like at that moment, you weren't my wife, and you

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Speaker 1: made that choice for me, Like wow, like it. It

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Speaker 1: gave me a greater respect for the courage it takes

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Speaker 1: to believe in someone with no direct knowledge that that

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Speaker 1: person is going to believe in you the same way.

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Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Because we were we were

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Speaker 1: still kids in a way. We were in our early

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Speaker 1: twenties some late teens, and we were making adult decisions,

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Speaker 1: and those adult decisions took trust, and it was just like, man,

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Speaker 1: she trusted me in that moment to make that decision,

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Speaker 1: and it would made me be like why why did

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Speaker 1: she trust me like that? Right? It was actually like

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Speaker 1: why would you trust him? Like super baffling. And for me,

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking about ship, like I encountered year old kids

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Speaker 1: to this day, and I'm just like, we were in

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Speaker 1: a space that we were still babies, still kids, but

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Speaker 1: then had the mindset and had the want and the

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Speaker 1: desire to like just be so roped into each other

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Speaker 1: and so invested in each other so early on, where

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Speaker 1: I can see why it was so confusing for our family,

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Speaker 1: for example, to be like, guys, y'all that just year olds,

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Speaker 1: and y'all are so invested in each other, like you

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Speaker 1: don't even know who the hell you are, but we

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Speaker 1: were just so locked in. It also made me realize

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Speaker 1: the strength in faith in love, because when you're twenty

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Speaker 1: two one, you feel like you got everything figured out,

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Speaker 1: like you just know everything's figured out. And then when

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Speaker 1: you get closer to forty and you look back a

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Speaker 1: year olds at a half year age, you sit back

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Speaker 1: and these motherfucker's don't know shit about ship. And it

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Speaker 1: made me realize that we were making adult decisions at

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Speaker 1: a time where we really didn't know anything, and we

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Speaker 1: were only we only had faith in God. And each other,

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Speaker 1: and reading the book kind of also made me. It

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Speaker 1: was inspiring to me to be like, Wow, she had

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Speaker 1: that type of faith in me at nineteen, and I

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Speaker 1: was like, dang, I really put all of that into

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Speaker 1: that young lady at nineteen. What was I thinking? But

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Speaker 1: I was like I saw something, I saw thing in her,

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Speaker 1: and it inspired me to continue that love moving forward

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Speaker 1: because right now we're only getting closer to forty. When

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Speaker 1: we look back when we're eighty, we're gonna be like

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Speaker 1: we made those decisions in our forty you know what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying. But it made me feel confident that I

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Speaker 1: could have faith in a person. And ultimately, when people

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Speaker 1: read the book, I want you guys to take away

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Speaker 1: that you can have faith in humanity because right now,

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Speaker 1: because of social media, I think people tend to lose

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Speaker 1: faith in humanity because clickbait is king right now. So

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Speaker 1: the easiest way to get people to click on something

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Speaker 1: is to show fights, show something negative, you know, show

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Speaker 1: humanity at its worst. Right We've seen you know, you've

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Speaker 1: seen people die on social media because an easy way

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Speaker 1: to get clicks when you show love, or you show happiness,

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Speaker 1: or you show peace, it doesn't have the same type

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Speaker 1: of response. So we're getting fed a lot of negativity. Rewrite.

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Speaker 1: Writing this book and reading your examples of why you

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Speaker 1: chose to make this as you made for me gave

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Speaker 1: me a reassurance in humanity, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: And hope people when they read the book feel the

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Speaker 1: same way. Yeah, that's right, That's that's right, because you

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Speaker 1: know you, you do. You hear a lot of stories

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Speaker 1: now about how hopeless people feel when it comes to

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Speaker 1: just dating and finding their person. You know what's in

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Speaker 1: store for them when it comes to relationships, and um,

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Speaker 1: we're hoping is that it'll it'll give people some hope

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Speaker 1: to say, you know what, there is somebody out there

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Speaker 1: designed for meum. And timing is never what we think

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Speaker 1: is going to because neither of us was looking for

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Speaker 1: forever love at eighteen and nineteen years old. I think

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Speaker 1: that's one thing they'll know. As a matter of fact,

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Speaker 1: wrote these questions to consider, right, so I want to

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Speaker 1: interview you, you can interview me. We can ask each

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Speaker 1: other these questions. Okay. Number one, what makes your approach counterintuitive?

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Speaker 1: Because the byeline for the book is the counterintuitive approach

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Speaker 1: to getting everything you want out of the relationship behind.

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Speaker 1: So I kind of feel like it gives a little

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Speaker 1: bit oxymoron vibes, right, because if you're writing a relationship

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Speaker 1: book with two people on the cover, it says we

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Speaker 1: over me, I'm on devource back. It's like, hey, here's

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Speaker 1: like how we have the perfect relationship. But I think

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Speaker 1: once you dive into the book, you see how imperfect

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Speaker 1: we were in so many moments. So that counterintuitive. The

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Speaker 1: counter intuitivity, if that's a word, um is really like

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Speaker 1: what you think you're going to see and what you

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Speaker 1: think requires is required in a relationship, we're showing that

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Speaker 1: it's actually quite the opposite. And how in these moments

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Speaker 1: that are not conventional for some couples, and these moments

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Speaker 1: that weren't you know, traditional for us, we were still

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Speaker 1: able to thrive and be the couple that we are

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Speaker 1: to day because of those moments. Absolutely, And I also

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Speaker 1: want to add to that the countertuitivity, the word that

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Speaker 1: my wife just reloquently created, because I'm pretty sure that's

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Speaker 1: not a word, but for me, it was getting everything

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Speaker 1: out of the relationship you want. Typically, when people say

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Speaker 1: get everything out of relationship you want, what do people

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Speaker 1: start with? Lists let's list the things that you want.

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Speaker 1: Our book has nothing to do with lists. We don't

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Speaker 1: talk about the things we want. So the counterintuitive part

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Speaker 1: is the fact that I invested and being everything I

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Speaker 1: could be from my partner to get everything I wanted,

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Speaker 1: as opposed to listing everything I wanted and expecting my

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Speaker 1: partner to be everything on my list. You see what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying, And I think when people read it, they'll

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Speaker 1: be like, wait a minute. There was at no point

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Speaker 1: in this book did these two say this is what

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Speaker 1: I want and Codeine has to follow these rules or

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Speaker 1: devol this is what I wanted he has. It was

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Speaker 1: the exact opposite. So when you when you read the

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Speaker 1: counterintuitive part, I want you guys to think about realistically

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Speaker 1: what we're asking people and what we're asking people to do.

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Speaker 1: See what I'm saying, that's that's that's yeah, that's perfect.

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Speaker 1: And I think about to the title week over me

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Speaker 1: right could be a little bit off putting because at first,

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Speaker 1: when we were thinking about you're all I need, some

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Speaker 1: of the feedback that we were getting from like the

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Speaker 1: editors and like the publishers and stuff like that was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: you know, you're all I need. Kind of gives the

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Speaker 1: implication that like, there's no individuality here, replacing all of

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Speaker 1: what you need in one person, where that was not

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Speaker 1: necessarily the message that we were going. It wasn't and

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Speaker 1: it wasn't the message, And at first we were kind of,

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Speaker 1: you know, giving a little pushback, like thinking of the

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Speaker 1: song and just thinking about how that inspires us and

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Speaker 1: how it's kind of written for us in a sense.

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Speaker 1: We were just like, this makes so much sense, and

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Speaker 1: they're like, no, if you literally break it down, you're

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Speaker 1: not telling people that you're putting your all into someone

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Speaker 1: instead for the purpose of we togetherness, the relationship, I'm

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Speaker 1: putting that above myself because we believe in being of

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Speaker 1: service to the person that it's all about being a service.

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Speaker 1: So that's where the we over me came from, and

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Speaker 1: also came from my brain because I came up with

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Speaker 1: the title shout out to myself. Yeah, that was definitely, uh,

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Speaker 1: definitely that was all him. Y'all. Let me tell you something,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna celebrate myself. You better. You know you better,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna celebrate you too. I'm gonna be some celebration

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Speaker 1: because you'll be celebrating cadeem all the time, I'll be

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Speaker 1: Celebraica all the time. Man If I'll be feeling away,

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Speaker 1: y'all like I do, don't celebrate me on as a

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Speaker 1: team before example, celebrate it, Crystal. I had nothing to

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Speaker 1: do with that. Okay, this is the funniest part. It

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Speaker 1: was when I was honored. I was while I was

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Speaker 1: asked by the NFL to speak and I took Jackson

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Speaker 1: with me to speak at Stanford to do a course

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Speaker 1: with former NFL players about building a business to the

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Speaker 1: second level and second career transitions. And the comments were like,

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Speaker 1: congratulations to Codein and Devout. I'm like, Codeine never played

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Speaker 1: in the NFL Coadean wasn't even invited here. Coudin is

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Speaker 1: not even on this trip, and it was congratulations to

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Speaker 1: Conde and Devot. But I will tell you this though,

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Speaker 1: that's another example of how it's we over me because

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Speaker 1: when people view us, they can no longer view us individually.

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Speaker 1: They always view us as always Codeine and Devout. It

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00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,439
Speaker 1: is that and yeah, and it's a struggle like we

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00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,080
Speaker 1: wanted earlier on, we didn't even see the value in

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Speaker 1: being individuals because we were so wrapped into each other

400
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Speaker 1: so already on that now we're wanting some individuality, but

401
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,439
Speaker 1: people can't see it because it's like it's always been.

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00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,280
Speaker 1: V Ellis is like, that's the hashtag, that's everybody together.

403
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,200
Speaker 1: But I mean, you know the NFL, that's everything you did.

404
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,760
Speaker 1: I did not play it down. I did not catch

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Speaker 1: a pass, I did not take a hit. But I

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Speaker 1: was back in though I was rubbing, making sure he

407
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Speaker 1: was fed. Yeah, I mean, I don't think, to be honest,

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Speaker 1: I don't think I would have been able to make

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Speaker 1: it to that level if I didn't have that support

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Speaker 1: taking care of me after games. I'm not really good

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Speaker 1: to take care of myself. I don't eat in the

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Speaker 1: morning unless K wakes up and makes it breakfast. I'll

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Speaker 1: grab a protein shake. But Codeine used to be on

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Speaker 1: top of making sure, Like, yo, you're trying to gain

415
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Speaker 1: five pounds before pro day, you have to eat this

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Speaker 1: peanut butter and jelly sandwich bro in between classes, making

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Speaker 1: sure I eat, coming home at night, making sure I

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00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,159
Speaker 1: eat when I was going over the playbook. When I

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Speaker 1: first got to the Lions, Codeine would sit there in

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Speaker 1: the huddle right and I wouldn't know what the hell

421
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Speaker 1: I was saying. She I would be like you would

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00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,200
Speaker 1: have to read off the play and I would have

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00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,800
Speaker 1: to hear the play. I would run out to my

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Speaker 1: position and then I would She would say what does

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Speaker 1: the Y do? And I would describe on the paper

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Speaker 1: what the Y does. I would describe what the excellency does.

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Speaker 1: And part of the reason why I made the team

428
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:06,359
Speaker 1: is because when other receivers only knew one position, I

429
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,640
Speaker 1: knew all four positions. And part of the reason why

430
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 1: it's easy for me to know all four positions because

431
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,680
Speaker 1: my wife, my fiance or my girlfriend at the time,

432
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:18,199
Speaker 1: I used to make flash cards with all of the

433
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,879
Speaker 1: plays narrative when it came in handy and turn it

434
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,840
Speaker 1: over and we have all the written diagrams on the

435
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,960
Speaker 1: other side. So no, you didn't catch any passes, but

436
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,560
Speaker 1: it was always a wee over me type of thing.

437
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:31,159
Speaker 1: Like you were invested. And this is one thing I

438
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,360
Speaker 1: learned about myself right in this book. You were invested

439
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,280
Speaker 1: in my individual career just as much as you were

440
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,520
Speaker 1: invested in yours. And I was invested in your individual

441
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,280
Speaker 1: career as much as sometimes even more than mine. Like

442
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,600
Speaker 1: devout was just like girl like you, you can be

443
00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:48,320
Speaker 1: the next biggest thing you know and I'm just like me,

444
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,440
Speaker 1: like I still feel like and he still feels like

445
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,280
Speaker 1: that's the He's just like girl now just about to

446
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,119
Speaker 1: get your win back and you don't have any kids

447
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,520
Speaker 1: like this guy's the limit and sometimes you need that.

448
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,440
Speaker 1: And the way over me approach is just even better

449
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:02,000
Speaker 1: because we just it's like having someone alongside you to

450
00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:05,399
Speaker 1: do this together with it. There's nothing like it, b

451
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 1: There's nothing like It's really nothing like it. It really

452
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,639
Speaker 1: is nothing like that. So what challenges did you face

453
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:14,199
Speaker 1: while writing the book, Babe Man. One of one of

454
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:19,240
Speaker 1: the challenges I faced, I was trying to figure out

455
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,399
Speaker 1: exactly what I wanted to share. I'm not gonna lie.

456
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:27,480
Speaker 1: We're We're pretty a pretty open book. But I struggled

457
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:31,439
Speaker 1: with some stories because some stories were dark, you know,

458
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:35,440
Speaker 1: some stories were things that I wanted to put away

459
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:39,040
Speaker 1: because I didn't like to think about you or I

460
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:44,399
Speaker 1: or us collectively in a vulnerable position. And I'm at

461
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:45,960
Speaker 1: the point in my life now I don't care what

462
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,720
Speaker 1: other people think, but I don't want to be reminded

463
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,840
Speaker 1: of it, you know what I'm saying, Like, I don't

464
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:53,600
Speaker 1: want to think about the times you were in pain.

465
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,280
Speaker 1: I don't want to think about the times and I

466
00:23:55,359 --> 00:23:57,639
Speaker 1: was in pain, so I have to sit down and

467
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:02,919
Speaker 1: to write about being in pain or watching you in

468
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,639
Speaker 1: pain and what I was thinking about, and then having

469
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:10,440
Speaker 1: to read what you were thinking about during those moments

470
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:14,040
Speaker 1: brought back all of those emotions that I spent all

471
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,479
Speaker 1: of these years burying for a reason. So for me,

472
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:21,639
Speaker 1: that was the the hardest part, because you want to

473
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,160
Speaker 1: share so that you can give people a full perspective

474
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,760
Speaker 1: of why we rock so hard. So you can't have

475
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:30,520
Speaker 1: a book like that without those moments. But it's like

476
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,680
Speaker 1: you don't always want to keep talking about those moments. Moments. Yeah,

477
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:35,600
Speaker 1: now I agree, I can, I can have. I can

478
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:39,880
Speaker 1: definitely say that I felt very similar in that um

479
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,879
Speaker 1: knowing what to share, and still to this day, like

480
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,480
Speaker 1: there's certain things that we're still not sharing just because

481
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 1: we just don't feel too because we feel like we

482
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,520
Speaker 1: share so much that, you know, we want to continue

483
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,840
Speaker 1: to be able to have, you know, moments for ourselves,

484
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,120
Speaker 1: sacred moments that good or bad, you know, and then

485
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,199
Speaker 1: also still be true to who we are because we

486
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:59,440
Speaker 1: think we owe it to people who support us and

487
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:01,720
Speaker 1: people who followed our journey to show that it was

488
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,480
Speaker 1: never always just the bells and the whistles and the

489
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,920
Speaker 1: cherry on top situations. There were a lot of moments that, um,

490
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:11,040
Speaker 1: really were on the verge of breaking us. Um. I

491
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:15,600
Speaker 1: think my challenge with writing the book was, um, it's

492
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,320
Speaker 1: a piece of art, right when you look at a

493
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,720
Speaker 1: book something that you know, it's like a creative piece.

494
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 1: Where any moment that I would walk away from the

495
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:25,360
Speaker 1: book and then I sit with it again, something new

496
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,680
Speaker 1: would come to my mind, or a new perspective or

497
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:31,280
Speaker 1: a memory got you know, kind of jogged by being

498
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,919
Speaker 1: in that moment. So I had a hard time actually

499
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:36,119
Speaker 1: walking away from this book, y'all because I kind of

500
00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:38,080
Speaker 1: felt like I always wanted to kind of tweak something

501
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:41,320
Speaker 1: or add something. I felt like it was never done.

502
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:43,879
Speaker 1: And I'm sure if now that the book is already

503
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:47,000
Speaker 1: in production, in the final script is out, if I

504
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,720
Speaker 1: sat with it again, I'll find more shipped to like

505
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:52,240
Speaker 1: you know, add and finagle. So that just made me

506
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,280
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, is there another book that might

507
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:58,600
Speaker 1: come after this one? I guess we'll see, because remember

508
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,320
Speaker 1: I studied art. I studied art from time I was

509
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,639
Speaker 1: in middle school to high school and art history in college.

510
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,440
Speaker 1: But they say that a work of art is never

511
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:10,160
Speaker 1: complete you just stopped working on it, you know, because

512
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,640
Speaker 1: a painter can always go back and fix a couple

513
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:17,760
Speaker 1: of shokes. Even a musician when they're writing a sympathy, right,

514
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,040
Speaker 1: not a symphony, they always continuously go back and say,

515
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,240
Speaker 1: I can change this note here, Well, I can extend

516
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,560
Speaker 1: this here. The same thing with a book, you know,

517
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: I can add a little bit more to this story.

518
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,480
Speaker 1: And if you keep doing that, you'll never be able

519
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,080
Speaker 1: to put it out. So at some point you have

520
00:26:31,119 --> 00:26:33,160
Speaker 1: to just stop working on it and accept it even

521
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,600
Speaker 1: in its flaws, because that's what life is. Yeah, there's

522
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:38,600
Speaker 1: never a perfect piece. I guess I'm I'm the person

523
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 1: that's like going back thinking like damn, what if you know,

524
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,920
Speaker 1: what if this wasn't received properly or what if I

525
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,200
Speaker 1: didn't write this the right way? Because for me, the

526
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,600
Speaker 1: anxiety was that, like this is pages to paper, like

527
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 1: this is ship that lasts, you know what I mean,

528
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,679
Speaker 1: Like the Internet will come and go, the iCloud main

529
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,280
Speaker 1: crash whatever means we lose this and the abyss that

530
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,119
Speaker 1: is you know, the Internet, but like a book, like

531
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,280
Speaker 1: you know, you have books from like thousands of years

532
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,360
Speaker 1: ago that was here to this day. That's why authors

533
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:07,840
Speaker 1: write multiple books. Because we wrote We Over Me two,

534
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:12,000
Speaker 1: if we write we Over Me is going to be

535
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,439
Speaker 1: a completely different book. So what you also have to

536
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,439
Speaker 1: remember is where were they in this time when they

537
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,959
Speaker 1: were writing this book. And that's also part of the story.

538
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:22,159
Speaker 1: So that when the next one comes out, or the

539
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,399
Speaker 1: book by yourself that's not with me, or my book

540
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,280
Speaker 1: that's next, or your biography and my biography, you have

541
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:32,320
Speaker 1: to understand that each piece is not just created in

542
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,399
Speaker 1: a utopia or in a vacuum. It's created during the

543
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,919
Speaker 1: time when it was written, and that's also part of

544
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:41,159
Speaker 1: the story. That's what makes it so great. That's actually

545
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,920
Speaker 1: very true. It's pretty dope. So let me ask you,

546
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,800
Speaker 1: why do you think it was important for you specifically

547
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:52,600
Speaker 1: to write this book. M hmm. There's a couple of things. Um.

548
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,240
Speaker 1: I think it's a challenge for me. It was a

549
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,960
Speaker 1: space that I'm just not used to being in and

550
00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:00,119
Speaker 1: in us finding different ways to express ourselves, um for

551
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,280
Speaker 1: us being creatives, um, for us being artists. I felt

552
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:06,000
Speaker 1: like this was just another way for me to express

553
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:09,000
Speaker 1: myself in a area that I felt like was strong

554
00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 1: for me in the past, and I just was like,

555
00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:13,399
Speaker 1: you know what, this would be a nice little challenge

556
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,720
Speaker 1: for me to sit down and be in this space

557
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:17,879
Speaker 1: which I genuinely love. I used to love writing so

558
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:21,399
Speaker 1: much that this was um important for me to do

559
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,400
Speaker 1: that also too. I feel like we share a lot

560
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:28,920
Speaker 1: via social media, via the podcast, UM, but there's also

561
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:32,480
Speaker 1: moments to that are you know, shareable that we haven't

562
00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,040
Speaker 1: spoken about. And I feel like we want to continue

563
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,520
Speaker 1: to give people who support us even more insight into

564
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 1: how things work, particularly because um, you know, our support

565
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:49,160
Speaker 1: system is growing publicly. We also have different different ventures

566
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:52,959
Speaker 1: that we're trying to do, you know, different um works

567
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:55,160
Speaker 1: that you're trying to do. So I think that this

568
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:56,920
Speaker 1: was a really good space for us to just have

569
00:28:57,040 --> 00:29:00,360
Speaker 1: something different, something that's not digital, something that's not I

570
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 1: mean we probably do an audiobook or something. Definitely. It

571
00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:05,520
Speaker 1: just gave us a different space to be in where

572
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:08,400
Speaker 1: we can just share more, um because not everybody consumes

573
00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:10,680
Speaker 1: information the same way like they may have a whole

574
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,040
Speaker 1: another realm of people that we're going to be exposed

575
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:15,880
Speaker 1: to now because they don't podcast, they don't follow social media,

576
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,600
Speaker 1: they don't have a Facebook account, you know, um, so

577
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:20,600
Speaker 1: I think that that's just another way for other people

578
00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:23,400
Speaker 1: to be touched by our story. For me, it was simple,

579
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:26,560
Speaker 1: literature is the only medium that's timeless. Right, Books don't

580
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:28,959
Speaker 1: go out of style, right. You You hear about all

581
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:30,920
Speaker 1: these different mediums. At one point it was radio. The

582
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,920
Speaker 1: people stopped listening to radio and started watching TV. We'll

583
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:35,960
Speaker 1: stop stop listening to radio and started going to the theater.

584
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 1: Then it was they stopped going to the theater, and

585
00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 1: then they started going to movies, and it was movies

586
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,440
Speaker 1: and now everyone's own devices. But the one thing that's

587
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:46,800
Speaker 1: consistent is literature. The Bible is one of the oldest

588
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:49,320
Speaker 1: books ever written, and it's still one of the most

589
00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:51,960
Speaker 1: powerful books. So I feel like literature is a way

590
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,040
Speaker 1: to remain timeless. One of my favorite movies of all

591
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 1: time is Troy because Achilles said he always wants his

592
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:02,840
Speaker 1: name to be and I always wanted I always want

593
00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:04,800
Speaker 1: my for my name to be remembered. I want when

594
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:07,920
Speaker 1: I leave this earth people say, hey, devou contributed to

595
00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:10,480
Speaker 1: the earth and humanity in this way. And I feel

596
00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:12,600
Speaker 1: like the best way to do that is through literature,

597
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,440
Speaker 1: because that can be carried from generation to generation and

598
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,440
Speaker 1: forward and forward, So it was important for me for

599
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:22,280
Speaker 1: that reason. What did you learn about yourself or each

600
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,480
Speaker 1: other while recounting the stories for the book, So you

601
00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:26,160
Speaker 1: kind of touched on this a little bit, But was

602
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:28,840
Speaker 1: there anything else that you can think? Absolutely I have.

603
00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:33,280
Speaker 1: I now have a greater respect for both sets of

604
00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 1: our parents when you when reading the book. We are

605
00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:42,600
Speaker 1: extremely hard on our parents because we had to hold

606
00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 1: ourselves accountable for our behavior early in our relationships, but

607
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:50,560
Speaker 1: learning that our behavior was learned behavior from our parents.

608
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:54,480
Speaker 1: So it's it's almost like when you go to therapy

609
00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:57,360
Speaker 1: and you realize that the traumas you face growing up

610
00:30:57,360 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 1: in a certain house create the person that you are,

611
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:02,000
Speaker 1: and now you're trying to share this person with another

612
00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 1: person who had their own traumas in their own house.

613
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:08,160
Speaker 1: Writing these stories and listening to how you perceived them

614
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:11,360
Speaker 1: after knowing your family made sense to me. It was

615
00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 1: like she perceived it like that, or she thought that

616
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:16,600
Speaker 1: way because that's how her parents are. I thought things

617
00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:19,960
Speaker 1: because that's how my parents are. And it also made

618
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:23,680
Speaker 1: me realize that as much as we complain about our

619
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:26,480
Speaker 1: parents and the traumas they gave us, we have to

620
00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:31,720
Speaker 1: congratulate our parents on creating dope humans because I felt

621
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 1: like I wanted to be of service to you because

622
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:36,840
Speaker 1: you were so dope, which means I have to applaud

623
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:42,800
Speaker 1: your parents for me. Yes. So for me, it was

624
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:46,360
Speaker 1: like I can find fault in what my parents did

625
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:47,840
Speaker 1: because I could look at my traumas and look at

626
00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:50,480
Speaker 1: my insecurities. Right, but I also fell in love with

627
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:53,800
Speaker 1: a very flawed woman, And I can look at your

628
00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 1: parents and be like, you have extremely flawed, beautiful, loving

629
00:31:57,640 --> 00:31:59,840
Speaker 1: person because of who your parents created, and I have

630
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:03,080
Speaker 1: to give them their flowers. But from your perspective, you're like,

631
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,040
Speaker 1: I'm so flawed because of who my parents, but you

632
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:07,520
Speaker 1: fell in love with me, and you will give my

633
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:11,240
Speaker 1: family my parents flowers. So I learned so much about

634
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 1: this process and about your family, and I just have

635
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:15,960
Speaker 1: a greater respect for both of our parents because they

636
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,720
Speaker 1: did what they could with what they had during that time. No, absolutely,

637
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,440
Speaker 1: I think that's important. We even dedicated the book to

638
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:25,160
Speaker 1: our parents and first our children and stuff. But it's

639
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 1: super important because we always like to harp on like, damn,

640
00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:30,400
Speaker 1: my parents didn't do X y Z, and you know

641
00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,400
Speaker 1: they because of them that not doing this? Then I

642
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:35,680
Speaker 1: but I'm just like, shoot, look at now, look at

643
00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:38,120
Speaker 1: look at us, look at you and I um And

644
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:40,720
Speaker 1: one thing I learned about our you know, our story

645
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:44,440
Speaker 1: are is to really we sometimes harp on the bad

646
00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:46,800
Speaker 1: and the moment a lot or things that aren't going

647
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:49,640
Speaker 1: right or levels that we haven't reached yet, but just

648
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:53,560
Speaker 1: looking at like the things that we've encounter that we've

649
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:56,720
Speaker 1: you know, survived, the things that we've you know, had

650
00:32:56,760 --> 00:33:00,880
Speaker 1: to laugh through and cry through together, Like we have

651
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:04,640
Speaker 1: a pretty dope ass love story. Yes there was another

652
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 1: possible title, like a Brooklyn love You just think about

653
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:12,800
Speaker 1: a story of two kids in Brooklyn, you know, coming

654
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:16,840
Speaker 1: from our humble backgrounds and just having dreams, like just

655
00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:19,640
Speaker 1: having dreams and having each other and finding a way

656
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:21,479
Speaker 1: to make that ship work and to make it come

657
00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,120
Speaker 1: to fruition. And like I said on a different episode,

658
00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:26,880
Speaker 1: like almost twenty years exactly to the date since we

659
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:30,720
Speaker 1: sat in your dorm room. You were now living a

660
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:33,240
Speaker 1: dream at the time. But it's something that you worked

661
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:37,640
Speaker 1: for for twenty years. We worked for Seriously, we we

662
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:42,000
Speaker 1: the first date that Codeine and I had, I told

663
00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:45,400
Speaker 1: Codeine what my life plan was. I told her what

664
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,320
Speaker 1: I wanted to do. I told her verbem that I

665
00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 1: wanted to graduate from school, I'll probably be free agent,

666
00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:53,960
Speaker 1: tryout or no. I said, when graduate from school, I

667
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,200
Speaker 1: probably work on Wall Street. If I can make it

668
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:58,680
Speaker 1: to the NFL and being a practice squad, I'll buy

669
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:02,280
Speaker 1: a Brownstone if nance major, I think exactly. Then he

670
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,479
Speaker 1: met me and the whole plane coming to your class.

671
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,439
Speaker 1: I definitely was coming to your class, that's not even

672
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,200
Speaker 1: a question. But I had this whole plan for myself.

673
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:12,960
Speaker 1: And when I spoke to her about what I wanted

674
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:14,520
Speaker 1: to do, she was just like, Okay, so how are

675
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,160
Speaker 1: we gonna do it? And she didn't laugh at me,

676
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:21,279
Speaker 1: but she also had this like this air like she

677
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:23,839
Speaker 1: felt comfortable saying how are we going to do this? Yeah,

678
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:26,160
Speaker 1: at first it was a flirting tactic. I'm not even

679
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:29,160
Speaker 1: gonna lie because just like I mean, here we are

680
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:31,200
Speaker 1: sitting out and chatting for the first time, and you

681
00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:34,319
Speaker 1: tell me like your life plan, and I'm inserting myself

682
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,000
Speaker 1: into your life plan by saying, so how we can

683
00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:40,399
Speaker 1: do that? You know? And it was just like oh, ship,

684
00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:43,040
Speaker 1: like here I am brought into your dream. But it

685
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 1: also is a testament to how passionate you were early on,

686
00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:48,600
Speaker 1: Like I could just feel that early on, and I

687
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:51,040
Speaker 1: just knew, like, man, this guy, like he really got

688
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:52,920
Speaker 1: this ship together. Like how many eighteen year olds do

689
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:54,520
Speaker 1: you meet that really Like, No, A lot of people

690
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:56,920
Speaker 1: are like, I'm undecided major, I don't really try to

691
00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:59,640
Speaker 1: figure things out. Might work for my dad's company, that's

692
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:02,080
Speaker 1: if you're that even has a company. You know, I

693
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:03,680
Speaker 1: might pick up a trade, you know. I don't know

694
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:05,560
Speaker 1: if college is even for me. Really, I'm just here

695
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:07,719
Speaker 1: because I'm here for a good time, not a long time.

696
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:11,480
Speaker 1: Like there's so many different viewpoints that you can have

697
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:13,319
Speaker 1: an eighteen that you don't even know where the fun

698
00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:15,400
Speaker 1: you know. So when I saw that you had that

699
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:17,480
Speaker 1: from early on, I was like wow, and that was

700
00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:19,279
Speaker 1: always my mindset to. I was just like, man, like,

701
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:21,520
Speaker 1: now I'm finally in college. I was inspired by the

702
00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:23,040
Speaker 1: fact that I was like about to be at my

703
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 1: parents house. It's like, Okay, how am I going to adult?

704
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,759
Speaker 1: Like what does adults are gonna look like? For me? Um?

705
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 1: And then ship we realized some days it's like I

706
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:30,880
Speaker 1: don't want to be an adult no more. You know.

707
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:33,879
Speaker 1: We realized that over time, but in those moments, UM,

708
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:38,440
Speaker 1: they were just like really really just priceless, inspiring moments.

709
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:42,560
Speaker 1: What do you hope leaders take away from the book.

710
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:48,080
Speaker 1: I just hope that you guys are able to will

711
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 1: a if you're dealing with any particular strifes in your

712
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:56,319
Speaker 1: relationship or just in life as an individual, because we

713
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 1: want we don't want this to be just geared towards

714
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:05,040
Speaker 1: married poles, people in relationships, um, people who aspire to

715
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 1: being relationships. This is actually for somebody to who knows that.

716
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:10,480
Speaker 1: You know, I don't think I want to be in

717
00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:14,480
Speaker 1: a relationship. And I know that because I watched de

718
00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:17,480
Speaker 1: Valancotine or I've read this book and the things that

719
00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:19,480
Speaker 1: they're doing for each other, I just know I don't

720
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:22,279
Speaker 1: have the capacity to do for another human being, you know,

721
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:25,759
Speaker 1: inspire people. Yeah, And it's like you don't have to

722
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:28,399
Speaker 1: agree with everything that we've said in here. Some things

723
00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:30,000
Speaker 1: in there I know off the bats and people gonna

724
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:32,360
Speaker 1: be like, what, like I didn't see that coming, or

725
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:33,799
Speaker 1: oh they did that, I don't know if I worked

726
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,440
Speaker 1: with them, no more. And that's fine, that's fine. You

727
00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:38,160
Speaker 1: could feel the way you want to feel. But this

728
00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:39,879
Speaker 1: is our truth and we're living in it, and we're

729
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:42,640
Speaker 1: living comfortably in it, and I enjoy the fact that

730
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,799
Speaker 1: I'm able to do that, and I hope that it

731
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:49,080
Speaker 1: inspires others to live comfortably in who you are, you know,

732
00:36:49,239 --> 00:36:51,520
Speaker 1: and and not show up Like I've said, you know,

733
00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:53,080
Speaker 1: a little tidbit in the book is like not to

734
00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:55,480
Speaker 1: continue to show up as this representative of yourself. Like

735
00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:58,680
Speaker 1: I want people to as an individual, as a human,

736
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:03,040
Speaker 1: live in who you are. And it's better for everybody

737
00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:05,080
Speaker 1: that way, because you don't have a facade to keep up.

738
00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:09,279
Speaker 1: And then whoever you're introducing yourself too, says all right,

739
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 1: I know who I'm dealing with, and there's no surprises.

740
00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:13,960
Speaker 1: Let's take some of the guessing out of it and

741
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:17,239
Speaker 1: just give people the ability to make choices to want

742
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:21,879
Speaker 1: to be in your orbit or not. You know, that's

743
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:23,399
Speaker 1: one thing the book is about. The book is about

744
00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:24,880
Speaker 1: a lot of choices. You and I made a lot

745
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:28,279
Speaker 1: of choice over these last twenty and you know what,

746
00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:32,600
Speaker 1: we're all like you talked about art being unfinished. We're art, Yes,

747
00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:37,839
Speaker 1: we are art. So how are you continuing to like

748
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:39,719
Speaker 1: add that paint stroke to your life to make you

749
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:41,799
Speaker 1: that much better? You know? What are you doing to

750
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:45,120
Speaker 1: alter your career path? What are you doing to alter

751
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:48,560
Speaker 1: your path or your relationship with a family member. Um,

752
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,200
Speaker 1: how is that looking like? I'm glad you? What does

753
00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:55,720
Speaker 1: that look like? Right? That's that's actually a perfect segue

754
00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:59,920
Speaker 1: because remember how you said life is a work of art. Right?

755
00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:05,920
Speaker 1: What makes works of art valuable is the individuality? Right,

756
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:09,000
Speaker 1: It's one of a kind. So can you create a

757
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:13,000
Speaker 1: valuable life trying to copy someone else's version of their life?

758
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,360
Speaker 1: Think about it. How much value does your relationship have

759
00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:21,280
Speaker 1: if you spend time trying to copy someone else's version

760
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:24,640
Speaker 1: of relationship that you think is perfect. It's the authentic

761
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:28,359
Speaker 1: Is the authenticity versus a replicass? Right? Yes? How much

762
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,800
Speaker 1: less is the replica? And value way less? Write? Anything

763
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:35,560
Speaker 1: that's a knockoff has no value. It's a knockoff the original,

764
00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:38,319
Speaker 1: even as flawed as it is. The reason why it's

765
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:40,480
Speaker 1: value is because it has the flaws, and that's how

766
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:43,960
Speaker 1: we can tell us the original. One of the main

767
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:45,759
Speaker 1: things we talked about in the book is that we

768
00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:49,160
Speaker 1: hate the idea of couple of goals, and we hate

769
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:51,560
Speaker 1: the idea of people pulling pillars up and saying, if

770
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:53,400
Speaker 1: you follow these pillars, you can create a life you

771
00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 1: want with yourself. We actually despise that, and we actually

772
00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:59,320
Speaker 1: despise being called a couple of goals because we don't

773
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:02,560
Speaker 1: inspire to be like any other couple, like when people

774
00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:05,560
Speaker 1: ask all the time, what couples inspire you? Right, I

775
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 1: don't even look up to my parents. I don't look

776
00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:09,080
Speaker 1: up to your parents. I don't look up to anybody.

777
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:10,960
Speaker 1: I feel like in order for me to create the

778
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:14,200
Speaker 1: type of relationship I want that's gonna last and has value,

779
00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 1: I have to work within the person that i'm with,

780
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:19,120
Speaker 1: the couple that I'm with. I have to work within

781
00:39:19,239 --> 00:39:22,640
Speaker 1: this union to create our own version. So I don't

782
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:24,560
Speaker 1: look at any other people, and I don't want other

783
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 1: people to look at us. That's the first thing I

784
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:29,280
Speaker 1: hope that they walk away with is that you can't

785
00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:31,600
Speaker 1: and you should never want to be deval in cadem

786
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:35,080
Speaker 1: You shouldn't. You can be inspired by their love story,

787
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:38,319
Speaker 1: you know, because we've had success in life loving on

788
00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:41,120
Speaker 1: each other, but don't try to be like anyone else.

789
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:43,360
Speaker 1: That's the first thing. The second thing I want people

790
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,560
Speaker 1: to learn is how to have empathy and compassion for

791
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,720
Speaker 1: each other. Right, I want people to walk away feeling

792
00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:53,640
Speaker 1: inspired by love and believing in humanity. Because when I

793
00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:55,880
Speaker 1: read the book over and over and over again, the

794
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:59,200
Speaker 1: thing that's stuck with me is how much you have

795
00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:03,560
Speaker 1: to believe in the power of love for us to

796
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:06,759
Speaker 1: make the decisions we made blindly at the age we

797
00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:09,880
Speaker 1: made and to have the success we have. That's faith.

798
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:12,880
Speaker 1: That's that's There's nothing that you can write to describe

799
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,319
Speaker 1: what that feeling is or how to tell people. How

800
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:17,359
Speaker 1: do you know when you found the right person you

801
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:22,239
Speaker 1: don't have faith in humanity, have empathy and compassion and

802
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:25,040
Speaker 1: learn to love out loud and it's okay to learn

803
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:28,040
Speaker 1: and love people differently than everyone else thinks that they

804
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:29,640
Speaker 1: should be loved. That's what I want people to walk

805
00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:33,799
Speaker 1: away from. I love that it's you. I'm getting warm

806
00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:36,759
Speaker 1: and fuzzies thinking about this book. I'm excited, y'all. Seven

807
00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:40,160
Speaker 1: February seventh is when the book will be out in Stories.

808
00:40:40,239 --> 00:40:44,240
Speaker 1: Pre Orders are available now, but pre order now now.

809
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:47,600
Speaker 1: Holidays are coming up, you know, and we think it

810
00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:49,759
Speaker 1: would be great, Like we said, not just for the

811
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:52,600
Speaker 1: person who aspires to be in a relationship or someone

812
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:55,000
Speaker 1: who is currently in a relationship, but it can be

813
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:57,840
Speaker 1: for anybody. Um And that's what we're hoping that you guys,

814
00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:01,479
Speaker 1: will um, we'll see all right, let's take a quick break.

815
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:04,799
Speaker 1: We'll pay some bills and come back with listen letters.

816
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:18,239
Speaker 1: All right, guys, we're back. The valent Conneine, authors of

817
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:20,920
Speaker 1: We Over Me You're giving Me Eyes over there, Webby

818
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:26,280
Speaker 1: Award podcast hosts so Cute, Next Steps Times bestseller Taking

819
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:29,440
Speaker 1: into Existence. That's what we do, was talking. We talk it,

820
00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:32,120
Speaker 1: we live it, we dream it, we manifested, and that's

821
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:38,040
Speaker 1: what we do in accounting. Yes, all right for a baby. Hey,

822
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:39,960
Speaker 1: they're Condin and Deval. I am such a fan of

823
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,399
Speaker 1: you guys in the podcast and love listening to your

824
00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:46,200
Speaker 1: takes on various relationship issues. So here's my dilemma. I

825
00:41:46,239 --> 00:41:49,040
Speaker 1: am thirty one years old and currently in a happy relationship.

826
00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:51,319
Speaker 1: That don't sound like a dilemma to me, approaching our

827
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:55,279
Speaker 1: second anniversary. I have discussed marriage, but are working. Or

828
00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:57,560
Speaker 1: we have discussed marriage, but are working on saving some

829
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:01,239
Speaker 1: funds and achieving certain professional goals in the meantime. I

830
00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:03,760
Speaker 1: am in a stable nine to five and make good money.

831
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:06,160
Speaker 1: He is an entrepreneur working on building his brand and

832
00:42:06,239 --> 00:42:09,399
Speaker 1: business with the goal of achieving financial freedom. I'm an

833
00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:11,239
Speaker 1: only child and take care of my mom, who has

834
00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:14,600
Speaker 1: a physical disability. This means covering our household dispenses, her

835
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:17,880
Speaker 1: medical insurance and other medical bills. I am considering buying

836
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:24,240
Speaker 1: an income property example of duplex or triplex or triplex um,

837
00:42:24,239 --> 00:42:26,920
Speaker 1: moving my mom in with me there, and putting our

838
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:30,839
Speaker 1: family home on rent. My boyfriend thinks it's a bad

839
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:32,920
Speaker 1: idea and we should wait a few years until we

840
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:35,880
Speaker 1: can do this together. Uh save a significant down payment

841
00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:38,200
Speaker 1: to limit our debt and the time to pay off

842
00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:41,120
Speaker 1: the mortgage instead of the minimum down payment which I

843
00:42:41,239 --> 00:42:44,720
Speaker 1: have saved. Oh, I see while I see his vision,

844
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:46,640
Speaker 1: my family home is not the best area and I

845
00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:48,960
Speaker 1: want to move and move on now that I am

846
00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:53,520
Speaker 1: finally financially able. However, he is adamant that as we

847
00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:56,839
Speaker 1: are moving towards marriage, though no timeline has been said yet,

848
00:42:56,960 --> 00:43:01,000
Speaker 1: we should only make moves together and disregard and disregarding

849
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:03,359
Speaker 1: his opinion on this would prove I am not a

850
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:06,319
Speaker 1: team player. I would and then making plans for my

851
00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:10,000
Speaker 1: future without our relationship in mind. I am torn. How

852
00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:13,000
Speaker 1: much should a significant other's opinion play into big decisions

853
00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:17,520
Speaker 1: when marriage isn't a part of the equation yet that's

854
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:21,880
Speaker 1: a whole episode. That's a good question, Like, wow, m

855
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 1: and it's a two year anniversary. She's in a happy

856
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:26,799
Speaker 1: relationship and it's only two years in. Not to say

857
00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,360
Speaker 1: that you can't be happy in the course of two years,

858
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:31,840
Speaker 1: but that's still very new to them all. Then be

859
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:38,560
Speaker 1: making these big financial you know, um commitments. I'll say this,

860
00:43:38,560 --> 00:43:40,480
Speaker 1: This is why this is a perfect question. Right, we're

861
00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:43,200
Speaker 1: just talking about the book. Everything we did in our

862
00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:45,759
Speaker 1: book is like the antithesis of what people said you

863
00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:48,800
Speaker 1: should do in relationships. We moved in together very early

864
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:51,239
Speaker 1: when we were young, when I was in Detroit playing ball,

865
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:53,680
Speaker 1: I moved you in with me. We bought a house,

866
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:57,520
Speaker 1: right we weren't married. Well, I proposed, I bought the

867
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:01,560
Speaker 1: house together. I didn't put your name on the mortgage.

868
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:05,680
Speaker 1: Then I proposed. Then we moved back here into an apartment.

869
00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:07,759
Speaker 1: So we pretty much did everything the way people would

870
00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:10,840
Speaker 1: tell you don't do it, and we are thriving and

871
00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,399
Speaker 1: working fine. This is what I will say to you,

872
00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:16,520
Speaker 1: young lady. Um, you're two years in into a relationship.

873
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:19,799
Speaker 1: You guys haven't settled into understanding if you're gonna get

874
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:22,600
Speaker 1: married or not yet. You individually have to do what's

875
00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:27,000
Speaker 1: best financially for you and your family period um. He

876
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:29,200
Speaker 1: may have a point, though, if you're not ready to

877
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:31,640
Speaker 1: listen to him, that proves that you're not ready to

878
00:44:31,719 --> 00:44:35,000
Speaker 1: be a team player and being a marriage. And that's okay.

879
00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:38,279
Speaker 1: You don't have to be committed to being his wife

880
00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:40,520
Speaker 1: right now while you're still learning each other. You're in

881
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,120
Speaker 1: a happy relationship, but that doesn't mean you stop putting

882
00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:46,200
Speaker 1: your business on hold to make him feel more comfortable

883
00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:48,799
Speaker 1: because he doesn't have the funds to provide right now.

884
00:44:49,360 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 1: You see what I'm giving. I was gonna say, it's

885
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 1: giving a little bit like he can't do it in

886
00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:56,160
Speaker 1: this moment, so he wants you to wait. And it's

887
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:57,880
Speaker 1: just like, since you have the down payment, which you

888
00:44:57,880 --> 00:45:00,200
Speaker 1: said you saved already the minimum down payment, right and

889
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:03,160
Speaker 1: if you're in a bad area and your mom, you know,

890
00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:06,120
Speaker 1: is your your soul caretaker, you have to do what's

891
00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:08,560
Speaker 1: best for the quality of life for yourself and your

892
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:11,719
Speaker 1: mom um. And then having a rental income is always,

893
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:15,200
Speaker 1: you know, is always a plus. You know. I will

894
00:45:15,239 --> 00:45:19,279
Speaker 1: say this though, him saying my idea is that we

895
00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:21,840
Speaker 1: wait a few years and do it together, is proved

896
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:25,200
Speaker 1: to you that he is thinking long term. Even though

897
00:45:25,200 --> 00:45:27,920
Speaker 1: he hasn't said marriage, it is clear that this man

898
00:45:28,080 --> 00:45:32,040
Speaker 1: is thinking financially long term. So now the ball is

899
00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,799
Speaker 1: in your court. Do you say, you know what? He

900
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:37,239
Speaker 1: hasn't said anything about marriage, but he's proven to me

901
00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:39,840
Speaker 1: that he wants to work together. Because that's literally what

902
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:43,239
Speaker 1: happened with Codeine and I. I brought a home in

903
00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:46,759
Speaker 1: Michigan to let her know, you're moving in here to

904
00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:49,720
Speaker 1: live into my home, my home, You're gonna be my wife.

905
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:53,239
Speaker 1: But Codein did say to me at that time, I

906
00:45:53,280 --> 00:45:56,120
Speaker 1: don't want to be a living girlfriend. And that's when

907
00:45:56,120 --> 00:45:59,320
Speaker 1: I decided to propose. So I understand a woman's perspective.

908
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:02,879
Speaker 1: Until you have that open conversation about marriage and there's

909
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:05,560
Speaker 1: some commitment about marriage, it's very difficult for a woman

910
00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:09,399
Speaker 1: to It's difficult for anyone to say we're gonna wait

911
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:11,759
Speaker 1: and do things together, like we also said to The

912
00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:14,120
Speaker 1: male perspective is, Okay, I met this woman, We're two

913
00:46:14,200 --> 00:46:16,279
Speaker 1: years in, I'm in a happy relationship. I see a

914
00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:19,040
Speaker 1: future with her. Let me get my ducks in a row.

915
00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:22,400
Speaker 1: And it sounds like he's like in that getting in

916
00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:25,360
Speaker 1: a row phase, right, So I think you both have

917
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:28,240
Speaker 1: hearts in the right place because you're both thinking about

918
00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:32,439
Speaker 1: how they've been confirmed. The communicate about it, talk about it.

919
00:46:32,640 --> 00:46:35,520
Speaker 1: That's way some pros and cons. If it makes sense

920
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:38,760
Speaker 1: in the financial market that we're in in real estate

921
00:46:39,040 --> 00:46:41,120
Speaker 1: for you to make this move now, I'd be like, Babe,

922
00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:43,880
Speaker 1: I've researched it. I think we should pull the trigger

923
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:46,600
Speaker 1: on this now because we are working towards a legacy

924
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,360
Speaker 1: we want to build together, because we're thinking long term.

925
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:51,960
Speaker 1: But now is the perfect opportunity to buy because the

926
00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:53,920
Speaker 1: market is down or the interest rate is down. Like,

927
00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:56,560
Speaker 1: if you come and have a conversation with actual facts

928
00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:00,680
Speaker 1: about the facts that support the choice she want to make,

929
00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:02,799
Speaker 1: then it may make more sense to him versus just

930
00:47:02,880 --> 00:47:04,880
Speaker 1: him thinking like, all right, well, I just don't want

931
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:07,759
Speaker 1: her to make a move without me, because you know

932
00:47:07,880 --> 00:47:09,440
Speaker 1: I may not be in this position to do it

933
00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:11,480
Speaker 1: right in this moment. If it can benefit you in

934
00:47:11,480 --> 00:47:13,879
Speaker 1: the long run, you pull the trigger on it now.

935
00:47:14,239 --> 00:47:16,640
Speaker 1: That can be a case that you can present to him.

936
00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:19,879
Speaker 1: I agree, I will couple this. Y'all may sit down

937
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:22,279
Speaker 1: and come with all the facts and it still may

938
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:25,440
Speaker 1: get sucked up. Give you an example, Kadeen and I.

939
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:27,480
Speaker 1: I brought this property in Michigan because it was the

940
00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:29,239
Speaker 1: right thing to do. I needed the tax right off.

941
00:47:29,239 --> 00:47:31,480
Speaker 1: I was playing in the NFL right. I brought the

942
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:33,839
Speaker 1: property not only because I wanted to prove to Gdan

943
00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:35,880
Speaker 1: that I was thinking long term, but I needed a

944
00:47:35,960 --> 00:47:38,280
Speaker 1: tax right off, and financially it made the most sense.

945
00:47:38,920 --> 00:47:42,080
Speaker 1: The recession happens two months later and I get cut.

946
00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:44,200
Speaker 1: So even though it was the right decision in the

947
00:47:44,239 --> 00:47:46,480
Speaker 1: moment I made it, two months later it didn't seem

948
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:48,520
Speaker 1: like the right decision because not all the capital I

949
00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:51,560
Speaker 1: had saved to buy the house was now invested in

950
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:54,080
Speaker 1: the property. I didn't have capital for us to survive,

951
00:47:54,200 --> 00:47:55,880
Speaker 1: and I lost my job. And what could I have

952
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:58,720
Speaker 1: done been like, see, I can tell you about this property.

953
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:03,600
Speaker 1: Nobody asked for this, and we didn't do that same

954
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,840
Speaker 1: way when we we had a discussion about what do

955
00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:07,879
Speaker 1: you want to stay in Michigan because I just got

956
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:10,280
Speaker 1: a job as a learning coordinator at the University of Michigan.

957
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:14,200
Speaker 1: Conde was working at Makeup in the mall, but Codein said, listen,

958
00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:15,880
Speaker 1: I want to move back home to Brooklyn because our

959
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:17,680
Speaker 1: families closed to Brooklyn. I want to spend more time

960
00:48:17,719 --> 00:48:20,080
Speaker 1: in Brooklyn. So we decided to run out the house

961
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:23,719
Speaker 1: and move back to Brooklyn. All of these decisions hindsight,

962
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:26,160
Speaker 1: we can look back now and say there was a

963
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:29,960
Speaker 1: better decision, But in the moment, we got together collectively

964
00:48:30,040 --> 00:48:33,560
Speaker 1: made a decision for us, and whatever the consequences were,

965
00:48:33,719 --> 00:48:36,839
Speaker 1: we rocked with it. There was no blame game. We

966
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:38,960
Speaker 1: were upset at times and we were just like because

967
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,279
Speaker 1: I remember when the house thing came and I was

968
00:48:41,320 --> 00:48:43,279
Speaker 1: just like, man, we had a big wedding, we should

969
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:44,920
Speaker 1: have bought a house, and we had that whole debate,

970
00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 1: but we never held that over each other and said

971
00:48:48,120 --> 00:48:50,520
Speaker 1: we're not gonna love each other because of those decisions.

972
00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:53,360
Speaker 1: There's no wrong decision in life. It's just you have

973
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:55,840
Speaker 1: to deal with the consequences that come with each decision

974
00:48:56,080 --> 00:48:59,400
Speaker 1: and understand that, have the conversation, make a decision. If

975
00:48:59,480 --> 00:49:02,840
Speaker 1: y'all love each and move on accordingly. All right, sounds

976
00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:07,920
Speaker 1: good Good luck to you, Sis number two. Okay, So

977
00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:10,799
Speaker 1: as I said, and I would like to remain anonymous.

978
00:49:10,880 --> 00:49:14,399
Speaker 1: All right, Sis, off the bed, be anonymous. But first off,

979
00:49:14,440 --> 00:49:16,480
Speaker 1: I love you guys and your relationship and just the

980
00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:19,200
Speaker 1: way that you're realistic about your journey together and the

981
00:49:19,280 --> 00:49:24,200
Speaker 1: maturity growth that you guys both went through. Um. So,

982
00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:26,160
Speaker 1: me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a

983
00:49:26,239 --> 00:49:29,200
Speaker 1: year and we argue. He says that to him it's

984
00:49:29,239 --> 00:49:31,640
Speaker 1: not arguing, but to me it is because I guess

985
00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:35,239
Speaker 1: I take it in more internally than he does. To me,

986
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:38,200
Speaker 1: he comes across as not caring about my feelings or

987
00:49:38,239 --> 00:49:41,319
Speaker 1: how he says things to me, even when I tell

988
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:43,560
Speaker 1: him an express to him that he's hello rude and

989
00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:48,879
Speaker 1: harsh and how he speaks right in his mind. As

990
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:52,480
Speaker 1: long as he's telling the truth, then whatever I take

991
00:49:52,560 --> 00:49:58,000
Speaker 1: it as it is on me, in my opinion, that

992
00:49:58,040 --> 00:50:00,239
Speaker 1: comes across like you don't care about my feeling. So

993
00:50:00,320 --> 00:50:03,000
Speaker 1: my question is should this be a deal breaker because

994
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:05,040
Speaker 1: we've talked about it several times and I'm I'm not

995
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:08,080
Speaker 1: sure if he cares to change that about him. Thanks

996
00:50:08,080 --> 00:50:13,840
Speaker 1: in Advanced for y'all's time. Love y'all man. These arguments styles,

997
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:20,439
Speaker 1: debate styles, conversation style. Yes, they should have a book

998
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:25,080
Speaker 1: on argument styles. No, for sure, absolutely, because what tends

999
00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:27,759
Speaker 1: to happen. You know, we have the term that I've

1000
00:50:27,840 --> 00:50:30,960
Speaker 1: used to say that what everyone talks about brutal honesty. Right.

1001
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:34,120
Speaker 1: I used to say, like, devolution is brutally honest, brutely honest,

1002
00:50:34,120 --> 00:50:36,120
Speaker 1: And then I heard someone recently say, like this honesty

1003
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:39,440
Speaker 1: have to be brutal? Can it just be honesty? But

1004
00:50:39,520 --> 00:50:42,719
Speaker 1: I think it all depends on the way it's delivered,

1005
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:45,400
Speaker 1: and then of course on the way it's received. You

1006
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:48,080
Speaker 1: and I have had You and I have had a

1007
00:50:48,120 --> 00:50:50,920
Speaker 1: lot of moments where we've been in these arguments, and

1008
00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:53,560
Speaker 1: a lot of time the argument shifts away from what

1009
00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:55,839
Speaker 1: we were even talking about to the way things were

1010
00:50:55,880 --> 00:50:59,440
Speaker 1: said or how it landed, or the way it was delivered,

1011
00:51:00,080 --> 00:51:04,279
Speaker 1: and we argued in term more about that than the

1012
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:08,840
Speaker 1: actual argument. And I think that's because people don't realize

1013
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:11,200
Speaker 1: that when you're arguing with someone, you're arguing with their

1014
00:51:11,239 --> 00:51:13,960
Speaker 1: whole family. And when I say that, I say this,

1015
00:51:15,160 --> 00:51:19,000
Speaker 1: first of all, every conversation is not an argument. Kadina

1016
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:21,560
Speaker 1: and I have had to have this argument. Right every

1017
00:51:21,560 --> 00:51:23,440
Speaker 1: time I used to speak to her about something that

1018
00:51:23,480 --> 00:51:26,759
Speaker 1: I wanted to focus on or change, even if it

1019
00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:28,120
Speaker 1: was once a week, She's like, every week you want

1020
00:51:28,120 --> 00:51:29,680
Speaker 1: to argue. I'm like, it's not an argument. I have

1021
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:31,360
Speaker 1: I feel a way about something and I want to

1022
00:51:31,360 --> 00:51:33,400
Speaker 1: express it to you. If you're going to receive it

1023
00:51:33,440 --> 00:51:36,000
Speaker 1: as an argument, you're already coming with a negative connotation

1024
00:51:36,040 --> 00:51:38,800
Speaker 1: about what I'm saying. That's the first thing, just because

1025
00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:40,680
Speaker 1: you want to speak about something. And I'm going to

1026
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:43,919
Speaker 1: say this to all couples, right there is twenty four

1027
00:51:43,920 --> 00:51:46,680
Speaker 1: hours in a day. If I want to speak to

1028
00:51:46,719 --> 00:51:49,480
Speaker 1: my wife one of those hours about things I think

1029
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:53,080
Speaker 1: we can do better, that's still less than five percent

1030
00:51:53,120 --> 00:51:55,960
Speaker 1: of the time. So when people say you argue all

1031
00:51:56,000 --> 00:51:57,960
Speaker 1: the time, if you argue for an hour every day,

1032
00:51:57,960 --> 00:52:01,160
Speaker 1: that's still less than five percent of the time of

1033
00:52:01,239 --> 00:52:03,359
Speaker 1: the time, everything is fine. But if you spend five

1034
00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:06,160
Speaker 1: percent wanting to get better, that's not an argument. That's

1035
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:09,640
Speaker 1: how people get better. I'm not gonna say it's not tiring.

1036
00:52:10,400 --> 00:52:12,120
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say it's not tiring. But we also

1037
00:52:12,239 --> 00:52:14,680
Speaker 1: have to understand the reality or the work that has,

1038
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:16,600
Speaker 1: the work that goes into it. And people don't argue

1039
00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:19,399
Speaker 1: every day. So if you argue once a week, right now,

1040
00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:22,399
Speaker 1: you can divide that five percent into seven because now

1041
00:52:22,640 --> 00:52:25,560
Speaker 1: we don't even argue every day. So a five percent

1042
00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:28,320
Speaker 1: divided by seven is less than one percent of the time.

1043
00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:30,759
Speaker 1: I want to have a conversation and you find a

1044
00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:33,920
Speaker 1: problem with it, that's a problem. The only way we

1045
00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:36,080
Speaker 1: can get better is by having discussions. That's the first thing.

1046
00:52:36,120 --> 00:52:38,520
Speaker 1: So every time someone has a discussion is not an argument.

1047
00:52:38,880 --> 00:52:41,160
Speaker 1: Number two. When I say when you argue with someone,

1048
00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:43,360
Speaker 1: you argue with your family, I'm not talking about you

1049
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:46,480
Speaker 1: literally arguing with their family. I'm I'm speaking about the

1050
00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:50,440
Speaker 1: way they learn to communicate comes from a lifetime of

1051
00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:54,960
Speaker 1: communicating in their home or not communicating. One thing you'll

1052
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:57,960
Speaker 1: learn about Cadine and I is that, especially from reading

1053
00:52:57,960 --> 00:53:01,160
Speaker 1: the book, we struggle the first ten years of our

1054
00:53:01,160 --> 00:53:05,080
Speaker 1: relationship five years of our marriage because we had to

1055
00:53:05,200 --> 00:53:09,240
Speaker 1: unpack how we discussed things with each other. Codeine's family

1056
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:13,160
Speaker 1: was very reserved. The Vows family has family caucuses. So

1057
00:53:13,280 --> 00:53:14,960
Speaker 1: every time I go to speak to Cadeine and she

1058
00:53:15,040 --> 00:53:17,319
Speaker 1: used to feel attacked because she wasn't used to having

1059
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:20,920
Speaker 1: these conversations. She thought it was brutal honesty because I

1060
00:53:20,960 --> 00:53:23,560
Speaker 1: was just being upfront about how I felt. I thought

1061
00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:26,120
Speaker 1: it was brutal silence because you didn't want to talk

1062
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:28,359
Speaker 1: to me. It's like we're having an issue and I'm

1063
00:53:28,360 --> 00:53:30,799
Speaker 1: talking and you're just staring at me. We both thought

1064
00:53:30,880 --> 00:53:33,360
Speaker 1: the other person was being brutal, and it's because we

1065
00:53:33,400 --> 00:53:36,799
Speaker 1: never took the time to unpack how we communicate and

1066
00:53:36,840 --> 00:53:39,840
Speaker 1: how our families communicated. One thing I've learned over the

1067
00:53:39,880 --> 00:53:42,080
Speaker 1: past couple of years is that if you really want

1068
00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:44,800
Speaker 1: to get to know someone, get to know their family

1069
00:53:45,640 --> 00:53:49,239
Speaker 1: and don't take everything they do with disrespect. Because if

1070
00:53:49,239 --> 00:53:51,680
Speaker 1: that person is trying to communicate, even as brutal as

1071
00:53:51,680 --> 00:53:55,720
Speaker 1: it may seem, that communication style maybe their way of loving.

1072
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:58,120
Speaker 1: That's true. Or think about the person or the friend

1073
00:53:58,200 --> 00:54:00,480
Speaker 1: or the individual that you know that's just our castic

1074
00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:03,800
Speaker 1: and this person just everything is in jest or they

1075
00:54:03,640 --> 00:54:06,319
Speaker 1: their truth sometimes lands and jests which you may not

1076
00:54:06,360 --> 00:54:09,799
Speaker 1: find it's funny, but that's just how that's that's their love.

1077
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:14,279
Speaker 1: That's a conversation style. Yes, that's what they liked, that's

1078
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:16,000
Speaker 1: how they like to do. But it's like they don't

1079
00:54:16,040 --> 00:54:19,200
Speaker 1: mean any harm, but the way you receive it is

1080
00:54:19,239 --> 00:54:21,400
Speaker 1: with harm, you know, So I think you have to

1081
00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:24,160
Speaker 1: also know who you're dealing with in this moment. Like so,

1082
00:54:24,239 --> 00:54:26,080
Speaker 1: so my question to her is like, is what he

1083
00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:30,200
Speaker 1: when he does deliver these you know, facts or these

1084
00:54:30,239 --> 00:54:33,200
Speaker 1: points to you, is it harsh, And is it rude

1085
00:54:33,200 --> 00:54:36,360
Speaker 1: because it's honest? Is he telling you something about yourself

1086
00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:39,040
Speaker 1: that you don't like and you don't know how to

1087
00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:40,960
Speaker 1: be accountable, so then you see it as rude or

1088
00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:43,080
Speaker 1: is he just really just out there being rude to

1089
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:46,080
Speaker 1: hurt your feelings? And I'll speak in her defense and

1090
00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:49,279
Speaker 1: this because that's a great question. Just because you're used

1091
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:52,440
Speaker 1: to being sarcastic with your family doesn't mean that someone

1092
00:54:52,480 --> 00:54:55,120
Speaker 1: else has to accept your sarcasm. But we have to

1093
00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:57,759
Speaker 1: learn how to stop doing in relationship is telling other

1094
00:54:57,800 --> 00:54:59,799
Speaker 1: people And we did a podcast about this core Get

1095
00:54:59,800 --> 00:55:03,360
Speaker 1: out feelings. Stop telling people how they're supposed to feel

1096
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:06,359
Speaker 1: about the word you used to express your feelings to them.

1097
00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:09,080
Speaker 1: If what you said to someone, whether it was sarcastic

1098
00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:11,600
Speaker 1: or kind or nice or hurtful, made them feel a

1099
00:55:11,640 --> 00:55:14,080
Speaker 1: way that person didn't just choose to want to feel

1100
00:55:14,120 --> 00:55:16,879
Speaker 1: a way, you made them feel a way, acknowledge that.

1101
00:55:16,960 --> 00:55:19,000
Speaker 1: And if you really want your message to get through,

1102
00:55:19,680 --> 00:55:21,920
Speaker 1: if you love this person, you'll try to change the

1103
00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:24,600
Speaker 1: way you communicate so they can land on them while

1104
00:55:24,760 --> 00:55:26,920
Speaker 1: learning about them. And that's what I think these two

1105
00:55:27,000 --> 00:55:28,360
Speaker 1: have to learn how to do. Yeah, that's when the

1106
00:55:28,360 --> 00:55:30,400
Speaker 1: delivery matters. It's like am I speaking to you with

1107
00:55:30,440 --> 00:55:33,600
Speaker 1: compassion and just saying, hey, you know you did x

1108
00:55:33,719 --> 00:55:36,080
Speaker 1: y Z. I didn't like that. There's ways that we

1109
00:55:36,120 --> 00:55:37,960
Speaker 1: can kind of get past this. Or are you just

1110
00:55:38,560 --> 00:55:41,040
Speaker 1: you know, placed in pointing the finger in place to

1111
00:55:41,080 --> 00:55:43,320
Speaker 1: believe and just you know, trying to be mean? Is

1112
00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:46,120
Speaker 1: It's a big difference here. So and I appreciate your

1113
00:55:46,120 --> 00:55:50,200
Speaker 1: point about saying is he brutal because he's honest and

1114
00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:52,319
Speaker 1: you don't want to hear the honesty. That's a lot

1115
00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:55,520
Speaker 1: of times that's why people get offended. That's why cancel

1116
00:55:55,640 --> 00:55:59,000
Speaker 1: culture is happening the way it's happening a lot. Because

1117
00:55:59,080 --> 00:56:01,880
Speaker 1: of course, certain things are offensive and anything that promotes

1118
00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:05,080
Speaker 1: hate or violence against a group of people shouldn't be tolerated.

1119
00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:07,640
Speaker 1: But if someone is speaking their truth and you're offended

1120
00:56:07,640 --> 00:56:12,320
Speaker 1: by their truth, that says more about you because it's true.

1121
00:56:12,400 --> 00:56:14,319
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. If a person is not

1122
00:56:14,360 --> 00:56:17,759
Speaker 1: speaking violence, not speaking hatred on anyone, but their truth

1123
00:56:17,840 --> 00:56:19,400
Speaker 1: makes you feel a way, sometimes you need to look

1124
00:56:19,400 --> 00:56:21,960
Speaker 1: in the mirror. I've been I've been there with let's

1125
00:56:21,960 --> 00:56:24,759
Speaker 1: do right here. Just like man, he just totally read

1126
00:56:24,800 --> 00:56:27,600
Speaker 1: me read me everything, handing me my ass on the platter,

1127
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:31,000
Speaker 1: and he did it so directly, um, and not rude,

1128
00:56:31,040 --> 00:56:34,040
Speaker 1: but just direct. So I'm feeling some kind of way.

1129
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:36,320
Speaker 1: I'm feeling like it's rude, but it's not really rude

1130
00:56:36,360 --> 00:56:39,160
Speaker 1: because he's right, and I think he circled back with

1131
00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:43,640
Speaker 1: a little bit of loving around. It gives the advice

1132
00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:47,200
Speaker 1: of them nurtures behind UM. You know, it's like, I'm

1133
00:56:47,200 --> 00:56:49,680
Speaker 1: gonna read you all your rights and then love you after.

1134
00:56:50,120 --> 00:56:53,600
Speaker 1: Um is the way to do it. She doesn't say anything,

1135
00:56:53,880 --> 00:56:57,160
Speaker 1: She just lets me do and then spasses out and

1136
00:56:57,320 --> 00:56:58,880
Speaker 1: be like, you know, you're just be doing to fucking

1137
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:03,200
Speaker 1: much and yeah, And I've learned not to take that

1138
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:06,520
Speaker 1: as she's attacking me. I've learned to understand that, you

1139
00:57:06,520 --> 00:57:08,520
Speaker 1: know what, she's not used to communicating with this man.

1140
00:57:09,440 --> 00:57:11,200
Speaker 1: And it's been an hour of us having the same

1141
00:57:11,200 --> 00:57:15,520
Speaker 1: discussion and she's fatigued. So we we've learned now to laugh.

1142
00:57:15,680 --> 00:57:18,440
Speaker 1: When we first started, it wasn't laughing. There was a

1143
00:57:18,480 --> 00:57:21,640
Speaker 1: lot of insults thrown after that because we get upset

1144
00:57:21,640 --> 00:57:24,880
Speaker 1: at each other then, and then the conversation then becomes

1145
00:57:24,920 --> 00:57:27,720
Speaker 1: a debate, and then after debate becomes an argument and

1146
00:57:27,760 --> 00:57:31,240
Speaker 1: after the argument it becomes toxic and then radioactive. And

1147
00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:33,640
Speaker 1: we've been through that aspect as well. So don't feel

1148
00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:36,120
Speaker 1: like because you're there right. So for her question, is

1149
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:37,600
Speaker 1: that should just be a deal breaker, I don't think

1150
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:42,960
Speaker 1: it's not at all. How are you having conversations? Keep

1151
00:57:43,000 --> 00:57:46,439
Speaker 1: having conversations, um, if it matters that much. And remember this,

1152
00:57:46,440 --> 00:57:50,080
Speaker 1: this is something I tell Jackson. Becoming a master at

1153
00:57:50,120 --> 00:57:55,320
Speaker 1: something takes thousands and thousands of hours of muscle memory

1154
00:57:55,320 --> 00:57:58,880
Speaker 1: and muscle movement, right, And it takes thousands and thousands

1155
00:57:58,880 --> 00:58:01,120
Speaker 1: hours of doing the same movement over and over again

1156
00:58:01,160 --> 00:58:04,360
Speaker 1: to become muscle memory. So for your whole life, you've

1157
00:58:04,640 --> 00:58:07,840
Speaker 1: argued with your family and your your friends a certain way,

1158
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:10,880
Speaker 1: that's become your muscle memory. When you meet somebody and

1159
00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:13,640
Speaker 1: you get into a disagreement, you're gonna resort back to

1160
00:58:13,680 --> 00:58:16,240
Speaker 1: how you did things with All the people you're comfortable with.

1161
00:58:16,480 --> 00:58:18,200
Speaker 1: You slip right into a comfort zone and it's been

1162
00:58:18,240 --> 00:58:20,080
Speaker 1: comfortable with them, but now that you're with a new

1163
00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:23,400
Speaker 1: person is uncomfortable. When you're trying to change, it's going

1164
00:58:23,480 --> 00:58:26,240
Speaker 1: to take thousands and thousands of hours of muscle movement

1165
00:58:26,600 --> 00:58:29,200
Speaker 1: to become muscle memory. So just because you have one

1166
00:58:29,240 --> 00:58:32,200
Speaker 1: conversation about how you feel and that person claims they understand,

1167
00:58:32,760 --> 00:58:35,040
Speaker 1: doesn't mean the next time you have an argument they're

1168
00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:37,680
Speaker 1: not going to resort back to what their original muscle memory.

1169
00:58:37,760 --> 00:58:41,440
Speaker 1: So give each other grace and time to learn through it. Absolutely.

1170
00:58:41,880 --> 00:58:44,560
Speaker 1: All right, We hope that helped both of our couples today.

1171
00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:46,720
Speaker 1: And if you want to be featured as a listener letter,

1172
00:58:46,720 --> 00:58:48,360
Speaker 1: if you want to write in you have a story

1173
00:58:48,720 --> 00:58:51,160
Speaker 1: you want to hear a little two cents um, be

1174
00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:54,480
Speaker 1: sure to email us at dead ass Advice at gmail

1175
00:58:54,640 --> 00:58:57,160
Speaker 1: dot com. That's D E A D A S S

1176
00:58:57,200 --> 00:59:00,480
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

1177
00:59:00,520 --> 00:59:04,880
Speaker 1: All right, moment of truth, we over me the counterintuitive

1178
00:59:04,880 --> 00:59:07,640
Speaker 1: approach to getting the life and the love and the

1179
00:59:07,680 --> 00:59:11,919
Speaker 1: relationship you won't. My moment of truth is this order

1180
00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:14,400
Speaker 1: we over me, the counter intuitive approach to getting the

1181
00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:16,160
Speaker 1: relationship you want with the man you love with the

1182
00:59:16,200 --> 00:59:19,960
Speaker 1: woman you love. Right now, pre orders available. You get

1183
00:59:19,960 --> 00:59:22,560
Speaker 1: your book February seven. That's my whole moment of truth

1184
00:59:22,680 --> 00:59:24,800
Speaker 1: because everything that I want to say about it is

1185
00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:27,480
Speaker 1: in the book in the bok. That's that's really really good. Also,

1186
00:59:27,600 --> 00:59:32,440
Speaker 1: and you can look forward to us going on tour again. Yes, sir,

1187
00:59:32,840 --> 00:59:35,840
Speaker 1: you heard it here first. So once the book drives,

1188
00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:38,240
Speaker 1: you know, we had our dead Ass live shows over

1189
00:59:38,320 --> 00:59:43,080
Speaker 1: the summer which we're amazing, sold out, wild ass energy,

1190
00:59:43,200 --> 00:59:44,960
Speaker 1: and we cannot wait to be on tour with y'all

1191
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:47,600
Speaker 1: when you have your copy in hands. What we're doing

1192
00:59:47,600 --> 00:59:50,800
Speaker 1: book signings, tours, live shows, all that good stuff. So

1193
00:59:51,320 --> 00:59:53,320
Speaker 1: the top of the year is about to be lit, y'all.

1194
00:59:53,360 --> 00:59:55,480
Speaker 1: Make sure that if you have a friend, a family

1195
00:59:55,480 --> 00:59:57,480
Speaker 1: members can use a copy, go ahead and order it

1196
00:59:57,480 --> 01:00:00,920
Speaker 1: for the holidays and they'll get it right before Valentine's Day. Absolutely,

1197
01:00:00,960 --> 01:00:03,400
Speaker 1: and here's a fact um. We're going to do a

1198
01:00:03,400 --> 01:00:06,040
Speaker 1: book tour of course, yes, but during the dead As

1199
01:00:06,240 --> 01:00:09,640
Speaker 1: Podcast tour. If your book is purchased when we do

1200
01:00:09,680 --> 01:00:12,080
Speaker 1: the meet in Greece, we will sign everybody who has

1201
01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:14,560
Speaker 1: a book on the Dead As Podcast tour. We plan

1202
01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:18,240
Speaker 1: on doing a twenty city tour starting February Valentine's Day

1203
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:20,880
Speaker 1: ending in April. We plan on going from the West

1204
01:00:20,920 --> 01:00:22,680
Speaker 1: coast all the way down to the South and back

1205
01:00:22,800 --> 01:00:26,400
Speaker 1: up through Atlanta, So we'll see you guys shortly for sure.

1206
01:00:26,440 --> 01:00:28,880
Speaker 1: And of course don't forget my East coasters. Oh definitely,

1207
01:00:28,880 --> 01:00:32,720
Speaker 1: I said south, throw up through Atlanta, we go all

1208
01:00:32,720 --> 01:00:35,600
Speaker 1: the way through Florida, come up through through the Mason Dixon,

1209
01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:37,040
Speaker 1: all the way through there. Because we started in New

1210
01:00:37,080 --> 01:00:39,040
Speaker 1: York last time and went down, so we go from

1211
01:00:39,080 --> 01:00:41,240
Speaker 1: the west coast all the way down around and come up.

1212
01:00:41,520 --> 01:00:43,960
Speaker 1: And we're not going to forget about the North, the

1213
01:00:43,960 --> 01:00:46,960
Speaker 1: north and the Northwest, but the Northwest. We're gonna do

1214
01:00:47,000 --> 01:00:51,120
Speaker 1: another podcast tour probably the following year, because the weather

1215
01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:55,280
Speaker 1: in the Northwest during that February March ain't the nicest

1216
01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:58,200
Speaker 1: people you know living in Michigan for all them years

1217
01:00:58,200 --> 01:01:02,280
Speaker 1: and nobody trying to go to Michigan and everywhere, and

1218
01:01:02,400 --> 01:01:06,200
Speaker 1: nobody trying to deal with that. And we did think about,

1219
01:01:06,240 --> 01:01:08,080
Speaker 1: definitely thought about the Northeast. But the weather is an

1220
01:01:08,080 --> 01:01:10,160
Speaker 1: issue because of travel. What we don't want to have

1221
01:01:10,200 --> 01:01:12,520
Speaker 1: to do is canceled days or get date dates affected

1222
01:01:12,560 --> 01:01:15,080
Speaker 1: because of weather and snow and things of that nature.

1223
01:01:15,120 --> 01:01:18,400
Speaker 1: So there's a resigning out the details. But there's a

1224
01:01:18,440 --> 01:01:20,600
Speaker 1: reason we went through this out frog know to expect that.

1225
01:01:21,640 --> 01:01:23,880
Speaker 1: All right, y'all be sure to find us on social

1226
01:01:23,880 --> 01:01:26,720
Speaker 1: media dead ask the podcast. We're gonna still be dropping

1227
01:01:26,720 --> 01:01:29,360
Speaker 1: more reminders about the book on our social media pages

1228
01:01:29,400 --> 01:01:32,120
Speaker 1: for the podcast and as well as her me at Cadena.

1229
01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:34,200
Speaker 1: I am and I Am Devout And if you're listening

1230
01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:38,440
Speaker 1: on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.

1231
01:01:38,640 --> 01:01:43,880
Speaker 1: Look at Chickpeas. Dead Ass is a production of I

1232
01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:47,080
Speaker 1: Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Noorrapinia

1233
01:01:47,440 --> 01:01:50,520
Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead

1234
01:01:50,560 --> 01:02:00,800
Speaker 1: as the podcasts and never miss a Thing, Must Do