WEBVTT - Relationship Soup 0:00:01.800 --> 0:00:05.160 I am Yambla, your host for this journey. I was 0:00:05.280 --> 0:00:09.600 a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:14.160 love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:19.040 deep hearting, I finally got clear about what love is 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:22.480 and what it is not. I want to share some 0:00:22.560 --> 0:00:27.680 of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to 0:00:27.720 --> 0:00:31.840 the r Side, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership 0:00:32.040 --> 0:00:50.160 with iHeart. Grand Day, Grand Day, Grand Day. How are 0:00:50.240 --> 0:00:55.520 you out there? Welcome to the special edition of The 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:59.320 art Spot. The art Spot the place that we come 0:00:59.400 --> 0:01:04.600 to discuss relationships and investigate our relationship stories and our 0:01:04.680 --> 0:01:10.360 investigate our relationship experiences. We are here live on the 0:01:10.520 --> 0:01:13.640 art Spot today and I'm going to take your questions. 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:17.200 I'm going to take your comments. I'm going to even 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:19.600 invite you to be a guest. If you want to 0:01:19.680 --> 0:01:22.839 come up on the screen and talk to me, all 0:01:22.920 --> 0:01:25.280 you have to do is put it in the request 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:27.960 and I'll see you and I'll bring you up. I 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:32.000 want to talk about relationships today because it's coming up. 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:35.880 You know, we're coming into the holiday season where coming 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:39.240 out of the summer, we'll be home again, we'll be 0:01:39.440 --> 0:01:45.160 quiet again and relationships are just so challenging for us, 0:01:45.400 --> 0:01:49.400 and with all of the hooplah and conflomeration that's going 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:51.880 on out there in the world, with the election and 0:01:51.920 --> 0:01:55.960 with everything that's going on, I want to make sure. 0:01:56.280 --> 0:01:59.920 I want to make sure that we have the skills 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:03.480 and the tools and the information that we need to 0:02:03.640 --> 0:02:08.240 make our relationships better. Our relationship with ourself, our relationship 0:02:08.320 --> 0:02:11.760 with other people. How about our relationship with money. How 0:02:11.800 --> 0:02:16.520 about your relationship with your body? How about that? We 0:02:16.600 --> 0:02:20.040 are talking about all kinds of relationships. We're looking out 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:23.360 in the world and we're seeing these relationships, you know. 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:25.760 And somebody said something to me the other day that 0:02:25.880 --> 0:02:30.600 was very interesting. They said, the relationship between the two 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:33.880 candidates that are running to be president of the United 0:02:33.960 --> 0:02:40.280 States reflects the relationships between men and women. I never 0:02:40.480 --> 0:02:43.200 even thought about that. We got a man running, we 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:46.280 got a woman running, and there's all of this against 0:02:46.360 --> 0:02:50.519 this and competition. So that is what we are talking about. 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:52.560 If you've got a question for me, I want you 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:55.280 to put it in the chat, and if you want 0:02:55.320 --> 0:02:58.800 to come up on the screen and ask me a question, 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:02.840 you can do that. What do you recommend I am 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:05.800 ready to start dating again, but have been off the 0:03:05.880 --> 0:03:09.920 scene for five years. I suggest that you try to 0:03:10.000 --> 0:03:14.760 have fun. Don't go out dating looking for a permanent relationship. 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:17.480 How about you have playdates? Do you know how to 0:03:17.520 --> 0:03:19.880 have a playdate? Do you just know how to go 0:03:19.919 --> 0:03:22.880 out and have some fun and be with somebody? So 0:03:23.000 --> 0:03:27.120 do that look good? Smell good? You know, it's like 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:31.240 you're going to a buffet. All right, Taste a little 0:03:31.240 --> 0:03:33.040 bit of this, Taste a little bit of that, have 0:03:33.160 --> 0:03:36.520 a little bit, just have some fun. So very often 0:03:36.720 --> 0:03:40.200 we go out with so much seriousness in mind that 0:03:40.240 --> 0:03:43.760 we're not even fully present to the possibilities that are 0:03:43.800 --> 0:03:47.520 there for us. Go on and have some fun, have playdates. 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:50.920 Just make sure you have birth control. Okay? Where else 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:51.920 am I going here? 0:03:52.960 --> 0:03:53.040 So? 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:56.000 Where are you and your relationships? What do you want 0:03:56.040 --> 0:03:59.800 to know about relationships? What are you thinking about relationships with? 0:04:00.160 --> 0:04:04.800 Relationships in your life are growing and thriving? And which 0:04:04.880 --> 0:04:07.760 relationships in your life are in breakdown? And how do 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:11.320 you heal a breakdown? Listen? I have a thought that 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:15.360 I want to share with you. Okay, you know, in 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:19.360 our relationships what happens is we say we want someone 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:22.920 that compliments us, and we usually pick someone that's very 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:27.200 different than us, because opposite it's a track, right, opposite 0:04:27.200 --> 0:04:30.920 it's a track. So we attract someone who's opposite us, 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:34.280 and we like everything about them, but because they're opposite 0:04:34.320 --> 0:04:37.760 from us, they're all so different. And when we see 0:04:37.800 --> 0:04:42.000 what's different about them than we want to change. We 0:04:42.080 --> 0:04:45.440 want them to change, to be more like us, to 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:47.960 think like us, to want what we want, to do 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:50.480 what we do. And if they don't, then we make 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:53.800 up that they don't love us. How about that opposite's 0:04:53.800 --> 0:04:58.359 a track? How are you when you see something different 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:01.760 than you, the opposite of what you are? Are you accepting? 0:05:01.839 --> 0:05:04.359 Are you tolerant? Or do you want to change it 0:05:04.640 --> 0:05:08.120 to keep yourself comfortable? That's the question we got here 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:10.000 on the floor. Let me see what other questions that 0:05:10.120 --> 0:05:14.560 I have Tomorrow. Tomorrow eight wants to know. How can 0:05:14.600 --> 0:05:17.920 we be more open to receive love? This is how 0:05:17.960 --> 0:05:20.919 we can be more open to receive love. Learn to 0:05:21.120 --> 0:05:25.320 love yourself. Learn to love yourself. You gotta learn to 0:05:25.360 --> 0:05:30.159 love your bumps and your warts and your brilliance. You know. 0:05:30.279 --> 0:05:32.680 One of the reasons we can always find what's wrong 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:35.720 with us, right, we can always find what's wrong with us. 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:39.440 We're always picking on ourselves, picking our scabs and picking 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:42.360 this and we didn't do this right, and that happened 0:05:42.360 --> 0:05:45.800 and this went bad. But we don't know how to 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:50.160 stand fully in our greatness, in our power, stand in 0:05:50.200 --> 0:05:55.200 your power, and learn to love yourself being powerful. Somebody said, 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:57.239 I want to be soft and pink. No, no, no, 0:05:57.480 --> 0:06:02.240 why not be bold and blue and green? How about that? Yes? 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:04.680 How about be royal and rich. You don't have to 0:06:04.720 --> 0:06:07.039 be soft and pink if you're a woman, nor do 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:09.480 you have to be base and black if you're a man. 0:06:09.880 --> 0:06:13.000 You can stand in your truth and your power and 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:17.640 your glory and love yourself because you've got to know 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:21.120 how that feels. You have to know what that is. 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:24.520 And if you can't do it to yourself, you will 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:29.159 misread and misjudge other people loving you. How do you 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:33.760 open yourself to love? Spend more time with you, Spend 0:06:33.800 --> 0:06:38.039 more time with you, get to really know you. Learn 0:06:38.080 --> 0:06:41.719 how to stand in your strength in your weakness. Learn 0:06:41.760 --> 0:06:44.599 how to stand in your knowing and you're not knowing. 0:06:45.040 --> 0:06:49.000 Learn how to forgive yourself. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Everything is 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:51.600 about forgiveness. Right now, we head an out of this 0:06:51.720 --> 0:06:54.559 eight year into a nine year out of twenty twenty 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:57.720 four into twenty twenty five. And I'm telling you you 0:06:57.800 --> 0:07:05.520 do not want to carry resentment, bitterness, regret, remorse, sorrow, sadness, 0:07:05.560 --> 0:07:08.559 and grief. You don't want to take that into twenty 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:11.440 twenty five. Hear me what I'm telling you? Okay, you 0:07:11.560 --> 0:07:15.120 do not, and we'll talk about that when we come back. 0:07:19.080 --> 0:07:23.119 I'm trying to accept people onto the stage. I'm trying 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:27.160 to accept you, lamont to look for your thingy hoosy. 0:07:27.600 --> 0:07:28.760 Oh there you are? 0:07:29.000 --> 0:07:29.360 Hi? 0:07:32.000 --> 0:07:34.679 How are you? I'm good? How you doing? 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:38.320 I'm doing awesome. I love the classes. I'm happy you 0:07:38.360 --> 0:07:42.080 accepted me. Now what are you doing home in the 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:44.600 middle of the day. So I'm a dating coach? 0:07:44.680 --> 0:07:48.240 So I'm home doing coaching all the time, virtually. 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:50.840 What the heck you mean? I'm doing the arts but 0:07:51.120 --> 0:07:54.400 live and my first guest is a dating coach. Ain't 0:07:54.440 --> 0:07:56.480 God great? Ain't God great? 0:07:57.920 --> 0:08:01.000 So the universe is connected? Yes? Yes? 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:04.360 So what are some tips that you, as a dating 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:08.000 coach would give people to that wonderful question? How can 0:08:08.040 --> 0:08:12.120 we be more open to receive love? What would you say, coach? 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:16.760 Well, definitely, I think people sometimes don't want to put 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:20.560 effort into it, Like we expect the other person to 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:25.760 do all the work, to love, to court, to you know, forgive. 0:08:26.040 --> 0:08:29.240 But it's like, hey, how am I showing up? How 0:08:29.280 --> 0:08:29.560 am I. 0:08:29.560 --> 0:08:35.440 Making my partner feel safe, feel love, feel romantic? You know, 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:38.240 I think people forget about the effort that we have 0:08:38.360 --> 0:08:40.199 to put into the relationship as well. 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:43.440 But now let me ask you, mister dating coach Lamont, 0:08:43.840 --> 0:08:47.959 because you know, maybe because I'm old, I'm og, but 0:08:48.240 --> 0:08:53.520 relationships are not just about romance and fun and feeling good. 0:08:54.320 --> 0:08:58.199 I when I talk to people about relationships, I say, 0:08:58.360 --> 0:09:01.920 what are your creating together that's gonna benefit the world? 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:04.520 What do you create? I don't care if it's a family, 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:07.960 a book, a store. How about just being kind? How 0:09:07.960 --> 0:09:12.040 about being demonstrations of kindness and forgiveness? What are you 0:09:12.200 --> 0:09:15.560 creating together? Because you you know what? At my age, 0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:17.839 I can only take but twelve and a half minutes 0:09:17.880 --> 0:09:18.480 of romance? 0:09:19.880 --> 0:09:22.680 Right? I look, I totally agree. 0:09:22.760 --> 0:09:25.880 I agree people focus sometimes in the wrong thing, But 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:29.520 I think if you both are connected to your purpose 0:09:29.760 --> 0:09:31.000 and your mission. 0:09:31.080 --> 0:09:33.720 And life, yes, that connects you all. 0:09:33.800 --> 0:09:36.560 That allows you all to be able to support each 0:09:36.559 --> 0:09:40.520 other even if your purpose and your missions are totally 0:09:40.559 --> 0:09:43.800 different in life, ye, right, like one one could be 0:09:44.040 --> 0:09:47.839 like in real estate, other could be like in counseling. 0:09:48.200 --> 0:09:50.400 But you still can show up for each other and 0:09:50.480 --> 0:09:51.959 support each other right there. 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:54.240 Right there, right there. Wait a minute, day, didn't Coach 0:09:54.440 --> 0:09:59.480 Lamont dating Coach Lamont talk to me about how do 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:03.160 you show up for your partner? Let's break that down 0:10:03.200 --> 0:10:06.320 into bite sized pieces right here on the art Spoint. 0:10:06.600 --> 0:10:09.439 This is a special edition of the art Spine the 0:10:09.600 --> 0:10:13.040 arm Spot Live. I'm on the street. How do you 0:10:13.240 --> 0:10:15.679 show up for your partner? Let's talk about what that is. 0:10:16.480 --> 0:10:18.800 Yeah, well, I think you both have to figure out 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:23.000 what are your skill sets. So if you're good at finance, 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:26.720 if you're good at like connecting the family, Like my 0:10:26.840 --> 0:10:29.280 brother is the one that calls everybody in the family 0:10:29.360 --> 0:10:33.240 every week. He keeps the aunts, the uncles, everybody connected. 0:10:33.440 --> 0:10:37.040 So if that's what your strength is, that's what you say. 0:10:37.080 --> 0:10:38.800 Hey, babe, I got this. 0:10:38.920 --> 0:10:40.840 I'm gonna take care of the finances for us. I'm 0:10:40.840 --> 0:10:43.719 gonna do this Excel spreadsheet. I'm gonna make sure our 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:46.160 bills are paid. But I need you to make sure. 0:10:45.960 --> 0:10:47.920 You call my mom. So we don't, so. 0:10:47.920 --> 0:10:50.280 We can go to dinner, right, Yeah, and you have 0:10:50.360 --> 0:10:53.439 to you have to make sure it's not a pissing contest. 0:10:54.040 --> 0:10:56.800 Oh wait a minute, hold on, let's talk about a 0:10:56.840 --> 0:10:57.800 pissing contest. 0:11:02.320 --> 0:11:02.560 Yeah. 0:11:02.600 --> 0:11:05.920 Like, you can't be intimidated by the strengths of your partners. 0:11:05.920 --> 0:11:11.080 Okay, good. You have to like support them, let them, like, 0:11:11.280 --> 0:11:11.720 let them. 0:11:11.679 --> 0:11:15.240 Show up what their strengths are, and you know, give 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:17.960 them space to do that. You know, I think, particularly 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:20.280 for men, men like to a key. 0:11:20.559 --> 0:11:21.600 We like to conquer. 0:11:22.160 --> 0:11:25.560 So giving men tasks so that they can show that 0:11:25.600 --> 0:11:29.120 they're achieving something will make him stay with you and 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:30.920 connect it with you for life. 0:11:31.360 --> 0:11:31.600 You know. 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:34.720 The other way, I think that we can show up 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:39.080 for our partners. And this is hard to learn the 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:44.840 distinction between listening and hearing, to learn how to listen 0:11:44.880 --> 0:11:48.920 to your partner without having to have a response, and 0:11:49.000 --> 0:11:54.960 to learn how to hear your partner without taking everything personally. See, 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:58.800 we listen with our ears to the sound that's coming in, 0:11:59.160 --> 0:12:02.920 but so very young, and I think partners listen trying 0:12:02.960 --> 0:12:04.400 to formulate a response. 0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:08.640 Amen. Amen. I struggled with that with my husband. 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:12.280 You'll say something and I'll say well, what did you. 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:15.120 Mean to say? Like, I know you said this, but 0:12:16.040 --> 0:12:18.280 what did you really mean to say? Or what are 0:12:18.280 --> 0:12:20.520 you like? What what's the meaning behind that? 0:12:20.640 --> 0:12:24.240 Because my stuff will get in the way and he 0:12:24.320 --> 0:12:26.720 might say a word that triggers me and I'm like, 0:12:26.760 --> 0:12:29.160 wait a minute, Lamar, wait a minute, that's your stuff, 0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:32.320 asking what he really meant so that I can listen. 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:38.240 Right, Okay, okay, So now mister dating Coast Lamont, the 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:42.439 guru of relationship, they gonna do a little coaching right here. Okay, 0:12:43.160 --> 0:12:47.760 here's a here's another possibility. When he says something and 0:12:47.840 --> 0:12:51.600 you get triggered, repeat back to him, and this is 0:12:51.600 --> 0:12:56.760 for everybody. Let me tell you what I'm hearing you say. Yes, 0:12:57.040 --> 0:13:00.360 what I'm hearing you say is and if you get 0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:03.120 it twisted, they'll say, no, no, that's not what I said. 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:06.719 But if you're honest in that moment and share what 0:13:06.800 --> 0:13:11.320 you're hearing as opposed to what he said or she said, 0:13:11.400 --> 0:13:14.800 this is for everybody, then that gives them an opportunity 0:13:14.840 --> 0:13:17.680 to clean it up. But that takes patience, and you 0:13:17.880 --> 0:13:22.120 use the very important word trigger because once we get triggered, 0:13:22.440 --> 0:13:25.000 now our hair is on fire and we're going in 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:27.240 for the jugular and. 0:13:27.200 --> 0:13:28.800 Then you can't hear anything else. 0:13:30.559 --> 0:13:34.480 Now you're vulnerable in your feelings, and I will tell 0:13:34.520 --> 0:13:37.080 you you know, it takes time to be able to 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:38.280 practice that muscle. 0:13:38.600 --> 0:13:41.720 And it's okay to say, you know what, I may 0:13:41.800 --> 0:13:42.240 mess up. 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:45.440 Sometimes I might need to walk around the block and 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:48.520 come back and have the conversation again. But it takes 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:52.520 a level of self reflection and vulnerability to be able. 0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:54.320 To say that's my stuffy right. 0:13:54.760 --> 0:13:58.080 Yeah, let me say this, Coach Lamont, I am so 0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:03.480 glad you're here. But listen, let's talk about forgiveness and relationships, 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:06.120 because I'm on this forgiveness kid. I'm a ride this 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:12.160 forgiveness horse until the end of the year because so 0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:17.000 very often in relationships, we make mistakes, we make missteps, 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:19.760 we do you know. And I'm not talking about tragic 0:14:20.080 --> 0:14:21.720 you know, beat you and hit you in your head, 0:14:21.760 --> 0:14:23.360 shoot you, pull a gun on you, and that kind 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:27.040 of stuff. I'm talking about hurt your feelings, disappoint you. 0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:29.760 Talk about for a moment. I'm gonna let you go 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:33.200 after this, talk about for a moment how important it 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:36.040 is for partners to learn how to forgive. 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:36.720 Yeah. 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:40.200 Yeah, your partner's always going to disappoint you. I was 0:14:40.200 --> 0:14:42.720 having a conversation with somebody last night. If you expect 0:14:42.720 --> 0:14:46.280 that your partner's never gonna disappoint you in that relationship, 0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:49.200 then you might as well just stay single or marry 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:53.760 a robot, because you know, we disappoint each other in relationships, 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:57.600 and it's really about how do you grow through disappointment? 0:14:58.080 --> 0:14:59.480 How do you forgive each other? 0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:03.320 And one things I've learned is that sometimes you have 0:15:03.400 --> 0:15:09.400 to model what forgiveness looks like. So like, okay, the 0:15:09.480 --> 0:15:13.840 mistake was there, let's talk about the mistake was how 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:16.600 did we what did we learn from that? What did 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:19.120 you want me to do in that situation? That could 0:15:19.120 --> 0:15:23.160 have been differently? And then when I say forgive you 0:15:23.320 --> 0:15:29.840 literally forgive you, heal that hurt and you move on, Yeah, 0:15:29.960 --> 0:15:34.000 you move on. Forgiveness is about moving on and not 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:37.960 harping on it and bringing it back up six, eight, 0:15:38.120 --> 0:15:41.320 twelve months later, because guess what, you really didn't forgive. 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:44.640 Yes, you just put a candate on it. That's right. 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:46.800 Thank you so much for coming on. 0:15:47.280 --> 0:15:49.160 Thank you so much, Thank you for all you do. 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:53.520 Thank you Bye bye. Listen, Sandra, look how the universe 0:15:53.600 --> 0:15:55.840 is my first guess on the show is a dating 0:15:55.840 --> 0:15:59.480 coach and look at that and we'll talk about that 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:09.720 when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Okay, 0:16:09.920 --> 0:16:14.520 let me go back over here, Camille Lee. I think 0:16:14.880 --> 0:16:18.480 I've accepted your invitation, I mean your request. Look there 0:16:18.480 --> 0:16:21.360 and see if you can come up with me. Good afternoon, 0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:24.640 my beloved. How are you good? Do you have a mine? 0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:26.640 So? I'm fine? 0:16:26.680 --> 0:16:27.480 Thank you so much. 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:30.440 Good? Now you are you in the mall? Are you shopping? 0:16:31.480 --> 0:16:31.640 Got? 0:16:33.000 --> 0:16:38.040 Okay? Yeah? So you have a question you want to 0:16:38.040 --> 0:16:38.920 bring to the floor. 0:16:39.800 --> 0:16:44.760 Yes I do. I'm thirty seven, if that matters. I've 0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:47.840 been married for eight years now, and me and my 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:50.720 husband keep coming to this point where we're button heads 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:56.680 and he will get into conflict and I'll tell him 0:16:56.720 --> 0:16:58.160 what my issue is with him. 0:16:58.320 --> 0:17:00.200 And he'll just I can't do anything right. 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:02.640 I won't say anything. And the last time we got 0:17:02.640 --> 0:17:07.000 into got into it, he said that he feels like 0:17:07.960 --> 0:17:11.080 I hate our home. And I'm just like, where is 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:11.879 this coming from? 0:17:12.040 --> 0:17:13.800 I don't hate oh. 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:17.359 Say that guy? 0:17:17.480 --> 0:17:21.760 He told me that he feels like that I hate 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:26.879 our home and I was like no, I was like, 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:30.399 until I tell you that that's not true. And so 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:32.600 when I actually got him to sit down and talk 0:17:32.640 --> 0:17:35.440 to me, it seemed like I. 0:17:35.400 --> 0:17:36.160 Hear him coming down. 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:39.080 I don't really want to maker, but it seemed like 0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:43.639 he was telling me that basically he doesn't feel safe 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:47.120 with telling me his concerns because he said every time 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:52.399 that he says something, he's punished for it. And yeah, 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:54.679 and he's like he's been feeling this way for ten years, 0:17:55.280 --> 0:17:58.000 and he basically doesn't come to me with conflict or 0:17:58.080 --> 0:18:02.040 issues because he feels like he'll go into I can't 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:05.320 do anything right. It's all my fault, you know. And 0:18:05.359 --> 0:18:08.080 that's kind of where we get stuck. Nothing really gets resolved, 0:18:08.240 --> 0:18:11.320 and we're just right there. And I told him I 0:18:11.320 --> 0:18:13.040 wanted to sit down and I attempted to have a 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:18.120 clearing conversation and say, you know, I think we both 0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:21.200 have assumptions about each other. What can we do? What 0:18:21.280 --> 0:18:24.040 can I do? I don't hate our house. I'm an 0:18:24.119 --> 0:18:27.199 entrepreneur photographer, so I like to leave my house and 0:18:27.240 --> 0:18:29.879 go co work or go places that will inspire me. 0:18:30.240 --> 0:18:32.080 And I was trying to explain that to him. He 0:18:32.240 --> 0:18:34.560 was like, you must either hate the house or you 0:18:34.560 --> 0:18:36.520 hate me. That makes more sense, and for him to 0:18:36.520 --> 0:18:38.360 say that, I was like, what what do you mean? 0:18:38.440 --> 0:18:39.560 So we just keep. 0:18:39.400 --> 0:18:42.600 Coming right here when it comes to communication and in 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:46.320 our relationship, and I just don't really know where to 0:18:46.359 --> 0:18:51.199 go to help him feel comfortable talking to me or 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:54.080 telling me when he when he has issues with me. 0:18:54.800 --> 0:18:57.200 It's always me being like, hey, babe, do you mind 0:18:57.240 --> 0:18:58.760 doing this? Or do you mind doing this? But I 0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:00.879 always do my best to say how can I support you? 0:19:01.440 --> 0:19:05.159 What can I do to help you with xyz? And 0:19:05.720 --> 0:19:07.560 we're just right there when it comes to communication. 0:19:08.160 --> 0:19:11.440 Wow, there's a lot in there. There is a lot 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:12.960 in there at all. 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:13.320 Yeah. 0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:17.560 Yeah, so he is really communicating something to you. He 0:19:17.600 --> 0:19:23.440 doesn't feel safe with you, No, he doesn't. Yeah, and 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:25.960 it may be because of his listening. 0:19:27.840 --> 0:19:28.080 You know. 0:19:28.840 --> 0:19:31.480 I say this all the time, and I hear people 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:35.600 stealing it and using it. Thank you God, men work 0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:43.960 with the three p's. Provide, provide, perform, and please provide 0:19:43.960 --> 0:19:47.040 for you. Perform for you. That means do the things 0:19:47.040 --> 0:19:49.600 that are bring a smile to your face and please 0:19:49.640 --> 0:19:51.880 you in the bed, out of the bed, around the house, 0:19:51.920 --> 0:19:54.600 put the toilets he down, take the trash out, whatever 0:19:54.920 --> 0:19:59.040 those are. The men's three p's. When they're not living 0:19:59.080 --> 0:20:03.400 into their three peas, sometimes what gets triggered in them 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:11.240 is a level of inadequacy, and inadequacy in a man's 0:20:11.280 --> 0:20:17.359 consciousness is kryptonite. And then what he'll do is what's normal. 0:20:17.440 --> 0:20:19.879 Let me not say what he'll do. What's normal for 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:23.639 a man to do is project it outward. Something somebody's 0:20:23.680 --> 0:20:27.760 doing makes them feel inadequate or unworthy or lack of value. 0:20:27.840 --> 0:20:37.480 So that's him. A woman's place are the three a's. Affirm, appreciate, 0:20:38.119 --> 0:20:43.440 and acknowledge. Affirm him. Yes, you know, I just love 0:20:43.480 --> 0:20:45.600 the way you walk that trash to the corner. I 0:20:45.680 --> 0:20:47.800 see your butt moving when you walk in that trash 0:20:47.840 --> 0:20:50.200 to the corner. I just get so excited. You are 0:20:50.240 --> 0:20:53.200 the best trash taker hout in the world. You are 0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:56.640 the best toilet seat. Put it down, you know. Affirm him. 0:20:57.000 --> 0:21:00.760 Men need to be affirmed from the heart of a woman. 0:21:02.320 --> 0:21:05.119 Appreciate him. Thank you so much for the way you 0:21:05.760 --> 0:21:08.199 rub my feet. Thank you so much for how you 0:21:08.240 --> 0:21:12.720 clean your platelet. Thank you so appreciation. They need to appreciate, 0:21:12.840 --> 0:21:15.320 and when we don't appreciate them, they come to the 0:21:15.320 --> 0:21:19.200 feeling that nothing they do is right, nothing they do 0:21:19.359 --> 0:21:24.280 is enough. And the other one is acknowledge. Acknowledge his greatness, 0:21:24.400 --> 0:21:28.760 acknowledges his gifts, acknowledge his talents. And you don't have 0:21:28.800 --> 0:21:31.920 to walk around like a robot saying it all the time, 0:21:32.359 --> 0:21:36.080 but you do have to practice those three a's so 0:21:36.119 --> 0:21:39.600 that he feels good about practicing his three p's. And 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:42.359 then if there's any one of those p's where he's weak, 0:21:42.680 --> 0:21:45.960 like if you're the main provider and he's the you 0:21:46.000 --> 0:21:49.000 know he makes less than you really got to affirm 0:21:49.280 --> 0:21:51.760 thank you so much for how hard you work, and 0:21:51.920 --> 0:21:58.160 you know, so it sounds to me a that he 0:21:58.240 --> 0:22:01.159 needs more. First of all, I don't know where he 0:22:01.280 --> 0:22:03.800 is in his pleate, in his piece. Okay, he. 0:22:06.320 --> 0:22:09.639 Provides, he provides, He takes care of all the bills. 0:22:09.640 --> 0:22:12.520 He is the main provider. I take care of like 0:22:12.520 --> 0:22:15.000 the supplementary things. And he's even taken my car note 0:22:15.000 --> 0:22:18.760 from me. He provides amazing. With that, he gets frustrated 0:22:18.800 --> 0:22:20.840 because at the end of the month he feels like 0:22:20.880 --> 0:22:24.600 he doesn't have anything to show, and he gets frustrated. 0:22:24.640 --> 0:22:26.000 He's like, I want to pay this off. I want 0:22:26.000 --> 0:22:26.520 to pay this off. 0:22:26.520 --> 0:22:28.800 He was very aggressive and pound of our house, and 0:22:28.880 --> 0:22:31.760 he looks at he gets frustrated by debt. He's like, 0:22:31.800 --> 0:22:34.080 I need to pay this off, and it's always weighing 0:22:34.119 --> 0:22:36.840 on him. So I try to be supportive. Have they 0:22:37.000 --> 0:22:39.040 were so fortunate to have the house we got, And 0:22:39.240 --> 0:22:39.679 you know. 0:22:40.640 --> 0:22:46.040 Here's another possibility. Instead of you trying to be supportive, 0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:51.560 A way to affirm him is to say, how can 0:22:51.600 --> 0:22:52.239 I support you? 0:22:52.320 --> 0:22:52.600 I do? 0:22:52.960 --> 0:22:56.960 Okay, He'll say, as long as you're happy, just be happy. 0:22:57.040 --> 0:22:58.800 He'll never give me. 0:22:59.840 --> 0:23:02.600 He doesn't he but he gave it to you. He 0:23:02.640 --> 0:23:07.040 don't feel safe with you. And there's a mistake I 0:23:07.080 --> 0:23:12.560 think that women often make in relationships with men, and 0:23:12.600 --> 0:23:16.280