1 00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:13,880 Speaker 1: very unprofessional podcast, where by eye your unqualified guide talk 3 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,360 Speaker 1: through some of the big changes and transitions of our 4 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 1: twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Okay, so 5 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:28,320 Speaker 1: welcome back. I'm recording this episode in my car in 6 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:31,480 Speaker 1: my backyard today just because do you know how it 7 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:33,720 Speaker 1: is lockdown or my housemates at home, I don't really 8 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: want to annoy them with my ranting about this week's topic. 9 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,519 Speaker 1: It also means if you hear like some beautiful bird noises, 10 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,880 Speaker 1: hopefully it brings something to the ambience. It's very snow 11 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:51,960 Speaker 1: white esque. Okay, let's get into it. So this episode 12 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:57,040 Speaker 1: is probably my absolute favorite I have ever recorded. And 13 00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:58,920 Speaker 1: don't don't get me wrong, I really have loved all 14 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 1: the other topics that I've covered, but I think that 15 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,920 Speaker 1: none have kind of struck me so personally as this one. 16 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:08,200 Speaker 1: And it's really hit a bit of a raw nerve honestly, 17 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:13,039 Speaker 1: like researching theirs thinking about this because currently, if you 18 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:17,320 Speaker 1: don't know, Gambra is in lockdown due to the Delta strain, 19 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 1: as as many parts of Australia. Thanks Sydney for that one. 20 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:24,679 Speaker 1: But as much as it has created some existential dread, 21 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,200 Speaker 1: it's also given me a lot of thinking time and 22 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:31,840 Speaker 1: reflection time. And something that I've been really thinking about 23 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,080 Speaker 1: a lot in this period of isolation is unrequired. It's 24 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 1: unrequited love. I posted about this on my Instagram, I think, 25 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: maybe like a week ago, and overwhelmingly people really wanted 26 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:47,800 Speaker 1: to hear about the psychological underpinnings of this experience. You know, 27 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:53,520 Speaker 1: a love that is unrequired and unreciprocated is such a 28 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,640 Speaker 1: universal and shared experience, and I think it's such a 29 00:01:56,680 --> 00:02:01,040 Speaker 1: consuming one too. You know, it suffocates all else in 30 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:04,840 Speaker 1: our minds, and it extends beyond reason and rationality in 31 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 1: so many ways, just by all acknowledgement. You know that 32 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,639 Speaker 1: someone does not love you back, we cannot help but 33 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:15,960 Speaker 1: pine and suffer after them. And as a repeated victim 34 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,240 Speaker 1: of this love sick situation, I really kind of wanted 35 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:23,639 Speaker 1: to uncover some of the hidden psychological secrets, maybe behind 36 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:27,839 Speaker 1: why we develop strong feelings for those who could never 37 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:31,960 Speaker 1: reciprocate those feelings back. Now, I feel like I don't 38 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,080 Speaker 1: really need to explain how unrequited love relates to our twenties. Like, 39 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,880 Speaker 1: let's not kid ourselves and Spotify. It gives me a 40 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:44,000 Speaker 1: little wrap up of the ages or demographics of people 41 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,760 Speaker 1: who listen each week, and overwhelmingly are as. You know, 42 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 1: the title of my podcast could probably predict. The majority 43 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 1: of you are in your twenties, and I'm sure are 44 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:58,080 Speaker 1: very familiar with this feeling, that fucking gut wrenching feeling 45 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:04,360 Speaker 1: of having these insanely strong emotions and expectations of someone 46 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 1: who will never you know, could never return them, and 47 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 1: the pain the confusion of unrequited love. I think it 48 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:15,240 Speaker 1: is its own psychological challenge. And if you know you 49 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:19,679 Speaker 1: say you've never experienced unrequited love, well, firstly, this episode 50 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,320 Speaker 1: is not for your ears. Please kindly leave. This is 51 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,680 Speaker 1: a safe space. But secondly, I think I think you're 52 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:28,519 Speaker 1: probably lying to yourself. You know, I refuse to believe 53 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,239 Speaker 1: that there is someone out there who has only ever 54 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,959 Speaker 1: loved those who has loved them back in equal measure. 55 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 1: It's impossible, like psychology literally says it's impossible, which will 56 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,400 Speaker 1: obviously get to in a moment. Anyhow, Like I mentioned, 57 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 1: I've been thinking about unrequired love quite a lot in 58 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 1: this time of lockdown. You know, I kind of used 59 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,480 Speaker 1: to semi joke that I came out of the room 60 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 1: in a state of unrequited love, and I still slightly 61 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 1: believe it. You know, it feels weird to share this 62 00:03:55,960 --> 00:04:00,200 Speaker 1: insanely personal dimension of my life, but fuck it, I 63 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 1: think it is a universal human experience that needs to 64 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:06,480 Speaker 1: be shared. And for a long time, unrequired love really 65 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,920 Speaker 1: did define much of the narrative I would tell about myself. 66 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,760 Speaker 1: You know, the men I was so in love with, 67 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,720 Speaker 1: so devoted to so it had so much admiration for 68 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: who would never reciprocate. It was such and I think 69 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:23,680 Speaker 1: still is a fundamental part of my experience with love, 70 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:28,440 Speaker 1: or maybe my misguided interpretation of what is I. You know, 71 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,920 Speaker 1: I don't really feel any shame in saying that, especially 72 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 1: through some of my investigative work for this podcast, I 73 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,320 Speaker 1: do think, you know, you never really escape the ego 74 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 1: wound of loving someone who doesn't love you, and there's 75 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 1: a part of your soul and your self conception that 76 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:46,119 Speaker 1: does not forget that hurt. It's a wound that really 77 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: does cut deep into your psyche, and it becomes ingrained 78 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 1: into you, and it does become part of how you 79 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:58,960 Speaker 1: address all future experiences of emotion and feeling because it 80 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,680 Speaker 1: is it's bigger than rejection. You know, unrequited love is 81 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: is not just rejection, it is heartbreak itself, and a 82 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,599 Speaker 1: lot of research into how our brain reacts to human 83 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:14,160 Speaker 1: connection really does confirm this. There have been so many 84 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,880 Speaker 1: people who I have believed I have loved and who 85 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,840 Speaker 1: have not loved me back. You know, one of them 86 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: is even married now. And there are times, especially in 87 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 1: this recent week, strangely, when you know I have had 88 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,840 Speaker 1: time to reflect on that emotional experience, that I do 89 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,880 Speaker 1: feel these like strainly old urges and the pain of 90 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,839 Speaker 1: longing kind of slipped back into my consciousness, despite knowing 91 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 1: very well that this is not something that will ever 92 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 1: come to fruition. You know, he's married, Like, it's never 93 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 1: going to happen. So why is it that our brain 94 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 1: reacts so irrationally when we are confronted with these feelings 95 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 1: and expectations. And what I really wanted to find out 96 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,360 Speaker 1: in this episode is if that is really love? Like 97 00:05:54,400 --> 00:06:00,080 Speaker 1: all those intense emotional experiences, are we correct in labeling 98 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:03,159 Speaker 1: them as love? Even unrequited love or love of a 99 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:07,760 Speaker 1: lesser degree. So, like I said, a highly personal episode, 100 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,880 Speaker 1: but I think you know, I've always said this podcast 101 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,279 Speaker 1: was for my own self exploration, and if you get 102 00:06:13,279 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 1: something out of it, if you connect to my stories 103 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,200 Speaker 1: of you know, always being the one who has more 104 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 1: to give than I could ever receive, I'm glad that 105 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,000 Speaker 1: you can get something out of it. And I feel 106 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,200 Speaker 1: like I've talked to my friends about this so often. 107 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,320 Speaker 1: You know, this is probably time for an immense shout 108 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,360 Speaker 1: out to my friends like Kate and Aaron, friends of 109 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 1: the show, who I think for years have witnessed me 110 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: becoming overly invested in silly little men and then crying 111 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 1: on their shoulder a month later. But I always hear 112 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:46,440 Speaker 1: the same line of reasoning for this predicament. You know, 113 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,839 Speaker 1: it's always you love too much, you care too deeply, 114 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:52,479 Speaker 1: you see the best in everyone, you have so much 115 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:56,720 Speaker 1: to give. And this episode is really dedicated to raising 116 00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,919 Speaker 1: that myth that only those who have this surge capacity 117 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:05,160 Speaker 1: to feel end up in a predicament of unrequired love. 118 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,960 Speaker 1: Like make no mistake, unrequired love has an origin in 119 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 1: our formative experiences and how we've been taught to expect 120 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 1: rewards and returns from our expression of emotion, and unrequited 121 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: love can occur because our mind is simply hijacked or 122 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 1: programmed to respond to what we interpret as love in 123 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,160 Speaker 1: a very specific way and beyond a level of consciousness. 124 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,040 Speaker 1: So okay, with that kind of fun thought in mind, 125 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,680 Speaker 1: let's jump into the psychology of it all. I once 126 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:39,960 Speaker 1: had someone tell me that unrequited love was the purest 127 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:44,559 Speaker 1: form of love, and despite that being kind of highly 128 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:48,240 Speaker 1: manipulated for the situation that we were in. This was 129 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,480 Speaker 1: years ago, like four or five years ago, and what 130 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 1: he has said has stuck with me because his sentiment 131 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 1: is absolutely everywhere. But whether it's correct it is probably 132 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 1: a whole nother debate. You know, there's that quote that 133 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: all poets must have an unrequited love, and true love 134 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,320 Speaker 1: is that which we can never meet. And we see 135 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:15,200 Speaker 1: unrequired love showing up everywhere in pop culture and mediate performances, movies, 136 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,720 Speaker 1: you know, call me by your name, Great Gatsby, obviously, 137 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: folks of being a wallflower, even Forrest Gump. It is 138 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 1: such a deep inspiration for a lot of creative works 139 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,320 Speaker 1: like like music and arn't as well, and oh my gosh, 140 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: that there's that one, this one song that always gets 141 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,760 Speaker 1: me when I find myself in these situations as they 142 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 1: regularly do. It's Adele's version of I Can't make you 143 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:46,840 Speaker 1: Love me. And if you are currently experiencing I love 144 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:52,400 Speaker 1: that is unrequired, unrequired, run requited, listen to that song, 145 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:55,280 Speaker 1: feel your pain, and take it as a sign to 146 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,800 Speaker 1: move the fuck on, because if you are listening to Adele, 147 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 1: they are not the one. They are just not it. 148 00:09:01,559 --> 00:09:04,240 Speaker 1: But in all seriousness, it is a really beautiful song. 149 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,920 Speaker 1: And I think the repeated theme of unrequired love across 150 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:12,679 Speaker 1: a lot of creative media really expresses two things that 151 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,480 Speaker 1: relate to the psychological underpinnings of this concept. You know, Firstly, 152 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:21,360 Speaker 1: the experience is universal and has some innate premise that 153 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,839 Speaker 1: makes it so commonplace. You know, as I've kind of 154 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:28,800 Speaker 1: alluded to, everyone has experienced this. We all tend to 155 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:34,439 Speaker 1: make other people sacred in the absence of true emotional connection. 156 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:38,360 Speaker 1: You know, placing someone on a pedestal is better than 157 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:43,040 Speaker 1: acknowledging that we have been shortsighted in essentially worthshiping someone 158 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,560 Speaker 1: that's really not worth our time. I think very few 159 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:53,079 Speaker 1: of us can rationalize desire and can rationalize wanting someone 160 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:56,360 Speaker 1: who does not love or want you back. And I'll 161 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,840 Speaker 1: go more into this later. But a love that is unrequired, unrequired, 162 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,439 Speaker 1: it is very much tied to our brain chemistry. It's 163 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:07,000 Speaker 1: tied to reinforcement and behaviorist theories as well as attachment 164 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 1: style as well, which I think is often must you know, 165 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:15,840 Speaker 1: really misunderstood, but does greatly contribute to this experience. And essentially, 166 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 1: there are core aspects of the human psyche that inexplicably 167 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: lend themselves to experiencing unrequired love, even it's from even 168 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: if it's you know, from a distance, but you know, 169 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 1: I think, as I'm sure we all know it's it 170 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:33,760 Speaker 1: is often experienced for those who we do have somewhat 171 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: of an emotional or pre existing sexual or physical connection with. Secondly, 172 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,079 Speaker 1: from how this experience is portrayed as romantic as a 173 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:47,440 Speaker 1: powerful force, we can see that unrequited love is somewhat 174 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,920 Speaker 1: glorified by our society in a kind of an unnecessary way. 175 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,760 Speaker 1: And I definitely want to talk more about why I 176 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:58,080 Speaker 1: find this interpretation so incorrect later on, because I think 177 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 1: although we romanticize the suffering and grief of longing of 178 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,480 Speaker 1: not being loved back, it is actually a really fucking 179 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:11,440 Speaker 1: terrible feeling. And can we even call that love? You know, 180 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:16,079 Speaker 1: feeling that is that painful in many ways, is it 181 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,560 Speaker 1: right to kind of combine that with something that is 182 00:11:19,559 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: meant to be as beautiful as love? And I think 183 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:26,079 Speaker 1: the romanticization of unrequired love also relates greatly to our 184 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 1: glorification of things that are beautiful, particularly art. And as 185 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,840 Speaker 1: that quote I cided before, kind of captured, we have 186 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:40,360 Speaker 1: this preconception or idea that pain lends itself so fully 187 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:44,520 Speaker 1: to creative expression and feeling human in a way that 188 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:49,280 Speaker 1: few other emotional experiences let us do. And much life, 189 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 1: grief and death, the absence of love is such a 190 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,600 Speaker 1: moving experience that we must glorify it because of what 191 00:11:57,679 --> 00:12:01,640 Speaker 1: it produces artistically and create lee. But the pain and 192 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:05,320 Speaker 1: discover and discomfort of you know, it's not something to 193 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:10,080 Speaker 1: be understated. From a psychological perspective, that feeling of hurt 194 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:14,280 Speaker 1: that is associated with something deeper than rejection. It does 195 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,600 Speaker 1: cause long term shifts in neural pathways, our schemes of 196 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:22,640 Speaker 1: the world, and how we learn to interpret people's actions 197 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:27,080 Speaker 1: as either threats or as encouragement. And before we dive 198 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,200 Speaker 1: into this, I do think we firstly need to talk 199 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,320 Speaker 1: about the origins of unrequired love. You know, I've mentioned 200 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,520 Speaker 1: that I do believe it's a universal experience, and it's 201 00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 1: often given this beautiful, honey gold tint to it, longing 202 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,599 Speaker 1: for someone who may have no interest in you, or 203 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 1: or maybe someone else does seem really beautiful at face value. 204 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:54,760 Speaker 1: But then why do these feelings emerge if we know 205 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 1: that they are a logical and contradict how we may 206 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,600 Speaker 1: see ourselves as self reliant and independent. You know, That's 207 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,800 Speaker 1: something I often find is I have these feelings of 208 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,880 Speaker 1: unrequited love for someone I think I really care about them. 209 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 1: You know, you can become obsessed with them, But at 210 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: the same time, there's this contradictory voice in my head saying, 211 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,600 Speaker 1: you know, you don't need them if they don't you know. 212 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:19,040 Speaker 1: The phrase that my friend Aaron always uses is like 213 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: the egg doesn't chase the sperm, Like if they don't 214 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,800 Speaker 1: like you back, that does create kind of a cognitive dissonance, 215 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,880 Speaker 1: with this sense that you are this independent person who 216 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,839 Speaker 1: who will survive without them. Okay. I have a few 217 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:38,000 Speaker 1: theories around this, obviously, which is like I'm making this podcast, 218 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 1: But firstly, unrequited love it serves a purpose as an 219 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:48,320 Speaker 1: emotional curtain or a distraction from the real issues that 220 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: we may be experiencing, you know, external to these feelings 221 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:55,559 Speaker 1: of desire. It can act as a substitute and a 222 00:13:55,800 --> 00:14:00,400 Speaker 1: substitute emotional trial almost for the real underlying issues that 223 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:04,679 Speaker 1: are afflicting our ego. And I can definitely relate to this. 224 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:09,559 Speaker 1: I remember even recently an episode of love that was 225 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,080 Speaker 1: unrequired that I've been through with some guy I've been 226 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,760 Speaker 1: talking to for months, and you know, yeah, I started 227 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,720 Speaker 1: developing feelings for him that the obviously weren't reciprocated, But 228 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 1: there was some small part of my brain that was 229 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,440 Speaker 1: almost grateful I had this person to preoccupy my mind with, 230 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,960 Speaker 1: because it meant that I could have a mental reprieve 231 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,920 Speaker 1: from thinking about the bigger issues that were going on. 232 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,080 Speaker 1: You know, I really remember it was almost like a 233 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:39,640 Speaker 1: conscious sigh of relief, like thank God, you've come along 234 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:44,040 Speaker 1: and fucked with my feelings because now I can project 235 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 1: all this other shit onto you, and you can kind 236 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,320 Speaker 1: of be like a little thought vacation from the reality 237 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,040 Speaker 1: and then the past that I have to heal from. 238 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,560 Speaker 1: So if your mind is preoccupied with thoughts of another person, 239 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:59,200 Speaker 1: admiration for them, and fantasies of you, know what it 240 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 1: could be like if your feelings were reciprocated, as well 241 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,800 Speaker 1: as that emotional discomfort of the what ifs, That is 242 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,040 Speaker 1: like the ultimate distraction from other aspects of your life 243 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,200 Speaker 1: that may be causing insecurity or general unhappiness. You know, 244 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:15,520 Speaker 1: our brain and our mind is at all times looking 245 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,800 Speaker 1: towards self preservation, and investing your pain in someone else 246 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,080 Speaker 1: is an excellent distraction and allows your brain to move 247 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,840 Speaker 1: away from other persistent thought patterns, perhaps about past loves 248 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 1: in my case that's what it was, or even aspects 249 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,920 Speaker 1: of your life that are entirely unrelated. You know, unrequited 250 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:36,280 Speaker 1: love for a short while does serve as a substitute 251 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 1: or a distraction. Okay, but it's it's obviously I think, 252 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 1: more than just a coping mechanism for or other aspects 253 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,000 Speaker 1: of your life that you might not be happy with. 254 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 1: Another theory, which is a more learning based theory, suggests 255 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:56,680 Speaker 1: that these unreciprocated feelings and this pattern of sinking deep 256 00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:01,080 Speaker 1: into emotions for someone who's obviously unavailable, comes from a 257 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:05,280 Speaker 1: pattern of past love, perhaps starting early in life, that 258 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,600 Speaker 1: has taught you to crave what is being withdrawn and 259 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,840 Speaker 1: held back and on the flip side, it makes you 260 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 1: scared of love that is obvious and available. You don't 261 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,720 Speaker 1: simply fall for people because of an innate weakness or 262 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:23,040 Speaker 1: a personality characteristic, but because it is a pathological pattern 263 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: of behavior that you've been taught, especially from formative experiences, 264 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:30,720 Speaker 1: maybe like a first love, or from observing others like 265 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:35,200 Speaker 1: your parents, all those around you. So this experience and 266 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 1: seeing these things creates memory roots in your mind that 267 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:43,560 Speaker 1: are associated with a particular feeling or reaction in this scenario, 268 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,480 Speaker 1: a feeling that is akin to what we believe is love. 269 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,360 Speaker 1: So for example, you know, say the first person you 270 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:57,400 Speaker 1: ever loved or dated was really inconsistent with how they 271 00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 1: showed or affection, or they would say things that contradicted 272 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,720 Speaker 1: their actions, like saying that they loved you and then 273 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:09,960 Speaker 1: showing little physical intimacy or few acts that actually reflected 274 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,000 Speaker 1: that love. You know, they had it, they had the 275 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,040 Speaker 1: words for it, but they weren't able to kind of 276 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 1: demonstrate that they did have these feelings, you know, but 277 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,119 Speaker 1: they call it love, and you assume that's love. So 278 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: in the future, when you have feelings for someone who 279 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:27,040 Speaker 1: reacts in a similar way, that's love to you. You 280 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,879 Speaker 1: convince yourself of the possibility that, you know, what is 281 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 1: one sided. Quite obviously, it may actually be more nuance 282 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,440 Speaker 1: like no wonder, you'll be attracted to people who are 283 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:42,040 Speaker 1: similarly withdrawn or in some cases just like blatantly uninterested. 284 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:46,560 Speaker 1: Because our brain is confused, It's programmed in some way 285 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:50,639 Speaker 1: to take ambiguous situations or situations even of ambivalence from 286 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:55,440 Speaker 1: another person. Reflect back on those early experiences of love 287 00:17:56,080 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: and match these experiences. You see those similarities and result 288 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,800 Speaker 1: this kind of results in a cycle of feeling of 289 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:08,200 Speaker 1: emotion of care that is, you know, really unsatisfying and 290 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:12,240 Speaker 1: probably often one sided because well you know, obviously you 291 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 1: continuously fixate on people who are not interested. Love that 292 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:21,720 Speaker 1: is available, on the other hand, may be scary because 293 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:26,479 Speaker 1: it doesn't match your pre existing and internal conception of 294 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,160 Speaker 1: what that feeling should look like. It kind of all 295 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:34,720 Speaker 1: comes down to what we expect love and relationships to 296 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 1: appear like. And this also connects to attachment styles which 297 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 1: I alluded to earlier, you know, getting stuck in the 298 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:47,360 Speaker 1: loop or repetition of consuming you know, crushes and unrequired love. 299 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:51,280 Speaker 1: This kind of signals towards a fearful avoid and attachment style, 300 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 1: which is in contrast with something like secure attachment. So 301 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,119 Speaker 1: let's break down break this down a little bit because 302 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:00,879 Speaker 1: I know attachment style gets talked about quite a lot, 303 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:07,880 Speaker 1: but what do they actually mean? Okay, so these four 304 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:12,640 Speaker 1: attachment styles. So yeah, there are four attachment styles, one 305 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:16,880 Speaker 1: of which really relates to unrequited love, and then there's 306 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 1: a kind of two that are in the middle, and 307 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,080 Speaker 1: then there's one that's you know, secure attachment, and that's 308 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,919 Speaker 1: kind of we'll start with that one. Secure attachment is 309 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,720 Speaker 1: like the gold standard. Like, if you want to pick 310 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,240 Speaker 1: an attachment style, you probably want to pick this one. 311 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:35,000 Speaker 1: You know, people with this attachment style they have basically 312 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,359 Speaker 1: they have the ability to form secure, loving relationships. You 313 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,399 Speaker 1: know who doesn't want that. They're not afraid of intimacy, 314 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,600 Speaker 1: and they're able to depend on others without becoming you know, 315 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 1: totally dependent on that person. They're also better able to 316 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:54,680 Speaker 1: recognize when someone is not interested and remove themselves. So 317 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,879 Speaker 1: it's kind of in the name secure attachment style. These 318 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,680 Speaker 1: people they're secure and how love is shown and their 319 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:05,359 Speaker 1: interpretations of love, and they can reciprocate but also receive. 320 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:11,080 Speaker 1: So next we have anxious attachment. This is marked by 321 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:15,960 Speaker 1: like a deep fear of abandonment and clinging behavior. And 322 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,159 Speaker 1: then we have avoidant or dismissive, which I think is 323 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:23,280 Speaker 1: probably like the shittiest or the second shittiest form of 324 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:28,760 Speaker 1: attachment style someone can have. So essentially, what this attachment 325 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 1: style means is you just have a fear of intimacy 326 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:35,600 Speaker 1: and you really just avoid getting close to anyone. People 327 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,960 Speaker 1: with this dismissive and ambivalent, avoidant, whatever you want to 328 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 1: call an attachment style, they're more likely to have relationships 329 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:48,520 Speaker 1: whereby one party is just highly emotionally unavailable and they 330 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:53,720 Speaker 1: really prefer to be independent. Finally, we have fearful avoidant 331 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: attachment style, and this is kind of a combination of 332 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:02,280 Speaker 1: anxious and avoidant attachment styles. So people with fearful avoidant 333 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:08,320 Speaker 1: they desperately crave affection, but they also want to avoid 334 00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:12,480 Speaker 1: it at all costs. This is kind of why it's 335 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:16,680 Speaker 1: also known as disorganized attachment, and it is associated with 336 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:22,040 Speaker 1: significant psychological and unrelational risks, you know, including a greater 337 00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:27,240 Speaker 1: greater likelihood of a repetition or pattern of unrequired obsessions 338 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:31,560 Speaker 1: and unrequired love. And this style it's developed in the 339 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,400 Speaker 1: formative years of a person's life, and it's highly dependent 340 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,359 Speaker 1: on the responses and the nature of their bond with 341 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:41,240 Speaker 1: their primary primary caregiver, so usually their mother or their father, 342 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,160 Speaker 1: and the kind of bonding one has with their primary 343 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,720 Speaker 1: caretaker in their formative years goes on to define their 344 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,520 Speaker 1: attachment style. So someone with fearful avoidant probably had a 345 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:55,600 Speaker 1: parent or maybe an early relationship in which love was 346 00:21:55,680 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 1: shown inconsistently and perhaps combined with a viole or manipulation 347 00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:05,000 Speaker 1: or emotional abuse. And it may also then the flip 348 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,680 Speaker 1: side of that may be that a lot of love 349 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:12,240 Speaker 1: bombing may have taken place in response. So the person 350 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,000 Speaker 1: where it's a first boyfriend or girlfriend or a parent, 351 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:20,280 Speaker 1: they withdraw a love, they combine love with manipulation, and 352 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,160 Speaker 1: then they also you know, overwhelm you with love when 353 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,720 Speaker 1: they feel guilty. So this person kind of learns to 354 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:29,600 Speaker 1: crave a love that is withheld, but it's also fearful 355 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:33,400 Speaker 1: of feelings that are obvious and apparent because they indicate, 356 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,919 Speaker 1: you know, something else coming along, and this kind of 357 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:43,200 Speaker 1: leads to this cycle of unrequired love. Okay, obviously this 358 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:46,359 Speaker 1: is not the only answer, you know. I've pointed out 359 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:51,200 Speaker 1: multiple times the University universality of this experience. So there 360 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:55,479 Speaker 1: is another element, and it's not just those with fearful 361 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:59,280 Speaker 1: avoidant who would find themselves in this situation, because this 362 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,680 Speaker 1: attachment style only makes up four percent of the population. 363 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 1: And if the statement I'm making it and I'm pretty 364 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,280 Speaker 1: sure I would be right, like most people have experienced 365 00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,639 Speaker 1: unrequited love. You know, if only four percent of the 366 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,320 Speaker 1: population is fearful avoidant, this assumption that it's just because 367 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:20,800 Speaker 1: of your attachment style is obviously incorrect. So another theory 368 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,040 Speaker 1: put forward is that unrequited love also has a lot 369 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:28,639 Speaker 1: to do with sunk costs and variable reward and you know, 370 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:33,080 Speaker 1: self delusion as well. So if you like someone and 371 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,760 Speaker 1: you've built this image of a future with them or 372 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,280 Speaker 1: a fantasy in which they play a role, you have 373 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,280 Speaker 1: invested in the notion that they are a good person 374 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:46,240 Speaker 1: and someone who is worth your time. We often will 375 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,800 Speaker 1: also make the mistake of viewing everything they do with 376 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:54,120 Speaker 1: rose tinted classes and giving their actions a lot more 377 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:58,600 Speaker 1: meaning than they probably deserve. So in this way, it's 378 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,159 Speaker 1: hard to break away from those feelings because of sunk costs. Essentially, 379 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:06,280 Speaker 1: we've already spent emotional capital on this person and time 380 00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:10,800 Speaker 1: that cannot be recovered, and we have already metaphorically spent 381 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,159 Speaker 1: this emotional currency. We don't want that to go to waste, 382 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:17,560 Speaker 1: so we continue to pursue them, either in our minds 383 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,240 Speaker 1: or externally, because we want these sunk costs to have 384 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,680 Speaker 1: some output or a positive consequence for us. We don't 385 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:27,119 Speaker 1: want to lose that investment of time and energy and 386 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:31,800 Speaker 1: thought that we've placed in that person. Secondly, when we 387 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:35,439 Speaker 1: are experiencing love that is unrequired, we also have to 388 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:41,199 Speaker 1: consider variable rewards. So the use of variable rewards, it's 389 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:45,800 Speaker 1: more of like an economic term, but it's often used 390 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:50,000 Speaker 1: in marketing, But variable reward it's used in gambling all 391 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,879 Speaker 1: the time because it's a pattern of reinforcement that is 392 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,680 Speaker 1: just scientifically proven to be the easiest way to get 393 00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:01,040 Speaker 1: someone hooked to an activity. So essentially, your behavior is 394 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,120 Speaker 1: rewarded on a schedule that is impossible to predict. So 395 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:08,679 Speaker 1: with gambling, you know, it's the best example because you 396 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 1: just never know when you're going to get a jackpot 397 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,280 Speaker 1: or when you're going to get your money back. So 398 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:16,680 Speaker 1: in regards to relationships, for example, you know you text 399 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,320 Speaker 1: someone and sometimes they leave you on red for like days, 400 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,040 Speaker 1: and other times they're super in foods and they get 401 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:27,600 Speaker 1: back to you quickly, but it's impossible to tell when 402 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:31,080 Speaker 1: each response may occur. So think about it this in 403 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:33,480 Speaker 1: the case of unrequited love. You know, you have these 404 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:37,919 Speaker 1: feelings for a person, and occasionally that person may accidentally 405 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:41,600 Speaker 1: or maybe purposely reinforce them by hanging out with you, 406 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,080 Speaker 1: laughing with you, reaching out And every time we try 407 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,440 Speaker 1: and pull away and be reasonable or realistic about our feelings, 408 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,439 Speaker 1: this variable reward schedule kind of stinks us back into it. 409 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:57,080 Speaker 1: It's really difficult to escape. So we are really good 410 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,280 Speaker 1: at convincing ourselves of the things that we want to believe. 411 00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:04,520 Speaker 1: So self delusion is, like I kind of said, there's 412 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,800 Speaker 1: also a huge part of unrequired love, you know, the 413 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:11,200 Speaker 1: fantasy that one day this person might change their mind, 414 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:15,080 Speaker 1: turn around, confess their feelings. It's really self soothing for 415 00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:17,920 Speaker 1: a lot of those different reasons that I've mentioned, And 416 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:22,440 Speaker 1: often it is that person who is the most unavailable, 417 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,320 Speaker 1: which is why we become hooked, because it is their 418 00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:28,360 Speaker 1: unwillingness to acknowledge you as a sexual or romantic partner 419 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,199 Speaker 1: that keeps you in a state of expectancy and longing, 420 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,320 Speaker 1: and this may especially be the case for those who 421 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,719 Speaker 1: are high achievers or those who have big ambitions. You know, 422 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,399 Speaker 1: we are so often told that if it was easy, 423 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,399 Speaker 1: everyone would have it, So you want the thing that 424 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:47,879 Speaker 1: is most unattainable, so you subconsciously go after the least 425 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:50,560 Speaker 1: available person because to win them would be just the 426 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:55,359 Speaker 1: biggest hit of self endorsement. So I think it really 427 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,640 Speaker 1: does go without saying. There is just a lot of 428 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:01,160 Speaker 1: insecurity and an unrequired love, And the thing that really 429 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,520 Speaker 1: does keep us hooked is the notion that one day 430 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:10,160 Speaker 1: things could change. What we ultimately are seeking is love 431 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,840 Speaker 1: and to be cared for and acknowledged and seen. And 432 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:17,240 Speaker 1: love is a social value, perhaps one of the most important. 433 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:21,680 Speaker 1: No other idea or feeling in history is as revered 434 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:27,560 Speaker 1: as love. But the way this concept, this larger than 435 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 1: life emotion is displayed in our culture is really contradictory. 436 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:35,840 Speaker 1: And I think it's what contributes to this admiration of 437 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:39,600 Speaker 1: unrequired love, because there are these two distinct displays or 438 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,000 Speaker 1: depictions of love in our society that are so so 439 00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:44,439 Speaker 1: very different, but they're equally admired, And I think this 440 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 1: is what contributes to these confused feelings around reciprocation. So firstly, 441 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:56,720 Speaker 1: we see love as this stable, mutual, enduring force that 442 00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:00,679 Speaker 1: it is comfortable and safe. This is often associated, you know, 443 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:05,200 Speaker 1: with long term relationships and ideas of marriage and long 444 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,800 Speaker 1: term couples. But on the other side of the coin, 445 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:14,480 Speaker 1: we are also taught to see love as this burning, 446 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:21,040 Speaker 1: electric desire, you know, characterized by butterflies and intensity and 447 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,840 Speaker 1: full of longing and hope and you know, just oh 448 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:27,360 Speaker 1: my god, it's someone's painful, like you just love them. 449 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:30,200 Speaker 1: It's nothing you can do to control it. And these 450 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:33,919 Speaker 1: two depictions they essentially make up our romance culture and 451 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:38,160 Speaker 1: it creates this like Madonnahore complex, but for love, whereby 452 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,800 Speaker 1: you have to have both. You have to be in 453 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:43,360 Speaker 1: pursuit of what is stable, but also constantly in a 454 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:46,720 Speaker 1: state of this all consuming electric feeling. And our idea 455 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,440 Speaker 1: of love as a society is so fucked in that way. 456 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:55,000 Speaker 1: You know, it creates such an internal confusion because if 457 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:59,000 Speaker 1: you think about someone that you're obsessed with this person, 458 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:03,480 Speaker 1: you know, you're assumed by them, and you're consumed by 459 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:07,080 Speaker 1: this electric feeling, and you know, all all this confusion 460 00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 1: and these butterflies and these uncertainty, and that's what you 461 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 1: think love should be. And if only they could see this, 462 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:17,080 Speaker 1: or you could convince them, we could achieve that long 463 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:20,760 Speaker 1: term stability and comfortability that everyone wants, but that the 464 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:25,040 Speaker 1: initial feeling of obsession. Society teaches you that that's what 465 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:28,360 Speaker 1: love should look like, but I don't think it should. 466 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:32,160 Speaker 1: You know, unrequited love comes with a lot of resentment 467 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:36,240 Speaker 1: for that other person because they can never fulfill your 468 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:40,440 Speaker 1: fantasy because well, firstly, they haven't consented to it. They 469 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,600 Speaker 1: may not even know it exists, you know, they may 470 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:47,200 Speaker 1: not even be aware. But we still feel anger towards them. 471 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:51,600 Speaker 1: And can can that really be love? Can a feeling 472 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:57,000 Speaker 1: that includes so much resentment and anger and frustration? It 473 00:29:57,040 --> 00:30:00,360 Speaker 1: does that mean that unrequited love is real love? And 474 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:03,200 Speaker 1: I had a huge, huge discussion with my house made 475 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,360 Speaker 1: around this, which I think revealed like a lot of 476 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:10,200 Speaker 1: revelations about how we think about ourselves in the process. 477 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:14,960 Speaker 1: But that's kind of beside the point. What we came 478 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:17,880 Speaker 1: the conclusion we came to is that there are two 479 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:23,520 Speaker 1: broad strokes and I'm talking very broad strokes interpretations of love. Firstly, 480 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:26,920 Speaker 1: there's the idea that love is a feeling and a distinct, 481 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:31,600 Speaker 1: universal experience. It's something beyond our control. And on the 482 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:35,080 Speaker 1: other hand, we also see love as a performance, something 483 00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:38,120 Speaker 1: that you need to work on and towards. So therefore 484 00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:43,360 Speaker 1: we do see unrequired love as Whether you see sorry, 485 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:47,320 Speaker 1: whether you see unrequired love as real love depends on 486 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,960 Speaker 1: whether you see love as a practice or as an emotion, 487 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:57,040 Speaker 1: Because if you see it as a practice, unrequited love 488 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:01,080 Speaker 1: can never be confused as true love because, for you, 489 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:05,280 Speaker 1: love naturally needs two players, and there needs to be 490 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:08,800 Speaker 1: some mutual foundation on which to build this temple of 491 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:14,440 Speaker 1: care and reciprocation and empathy and giving. However, if you 492 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:17,560 Speaker 1: see love as an emotion, as an all consuming feeling 493 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:21,480 Speaker 1: of passion that arises naturally from some deep place in 494 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,840 Speaker 1: our conscious and our soul, then we can say unrequired 495 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,080 Speaker 1: love is true love, and it may even be pure 496 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:30,040 Speaker 1: love because that feeling can exist in only one person 497 00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:34,320 Speaker 1: and still be valid. It doesn't need to be reciprocated 498 00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 1: to still be felt. I'm really skeptical to call it 499 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:43,280 Speaker 1: love because I think calling it that really glorifies the experience, 500 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,960 Speaker 1: and we put other people on a pedestal, which is 501 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:51,160 Speaker 1: really problematic. We begin to confuse things and move away 502 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: from what a healthy and stable relationship should be. Yes, 503 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,840 Speaker 1: you know, we can call it love if we want, 504 00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 1: but if it is unrequired of the real thing, no, 505 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:04,000 Speaker 1: it's not. Love can only be felt at its deepest 506 00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:07,120 Speaker 1: and most profound level, I think when it is shared, 507 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:11,320 Speaker 1: and love is the process of gradually revealing yourself to someone. 508 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:15,480 Speaker 1: And although you know it can be all consuming as well, 509 00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:19,600 Speaker 1: and it's definitely incredibly natural and an organic feeling, it 510 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:23,000 Speaker 1: also needs to be deliberate and must be mutual to 511 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:26,520 Speaker 1: be fully felt. But again, like kind of what I 512 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:28,840 Speaker 1: was talking with, there is no right or wrong answer. 513 00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:33,080 Speaker 1: What we expect from love is based on what the 514 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:36,200 Speaker 1: relationships around us have taught us, like our parents, or 515 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,720 Speaker 1: our first relationship or our crush, and that really determines 516 00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:45,880 Speaker 1: how we view love. Okay, that was a bit of 517 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:50,320 Speaker 1: a rant. I think maybe it's time to wrap things up. Yeah, 518 00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:52,360 Speaker 1: just I hope you enjoyed that discussion. Like I said, 519 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:55,880 Speaker 1: I really got into it. I think just like having 520 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:58,760 Speaker 1: that time to sit down and reflect on so many 521 00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:01,400 Speaker 1: past experiences that I had, it really made me realize 522 00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:04,320 Speaker 1: their own kind of calmic cycle of my relationships. And 523 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,000 Speaker 1: you know feelings that I've had for others, and it 524 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,880 Speaker 1: was really therapeutic to actually read up about why this happens, 525 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:16,120 Speaker 1: to kind of give this highly irrational experience more of 526 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:20,800 Speaker 1: a logical tinge and more logical input and psychological input 527 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:23,280 Speaker 1: as well. And yeah, just breaking it down it was 528 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:26,520 Speaker 1: actually really helpful. So I hope that you found it 529 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:30,920 Speaker 1: helpful as well. If you are in a situation where 530 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:34,840 Speaker 1: you're experiencing love that is unrequired, you have all my 531 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,719 Speaker 1: well wishes, it's really shit. It's really crap, and it's 532 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:42,120 Speaker 1: really hard to break out of. So I hope, yeah, 533 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:45,320 Speaker 1: everything works out for you. I hope that you know, 534 00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,000 Speaker 1: I'm not going to hope that they're the one, because 535 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:49,760 Speaker 1: they probably aren't, but I hope that you can kind 536 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:53,200 Speaker 1: of see the irrationality and it maybe this has helped 537 00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:55,760 Speaker 1: you realize that and just move on. You know, it 538 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:58,120 Speaker 1: gets to a point where you kind of have to 539 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,960 Speaker 1: be realistic with yourself, like, is is this person ever 540 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:04,960 Speaker 1: going to reciprocate my feelings? Probably not, and it's time 541 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,920 Speaker 1: to kind of buckle up and move on to something else. 542 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,759 Speaker 1: I'll just move on to being alone because it's kind 543 00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:13,920 Speaker 1: of better than than begging for attention or begging for 544 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:16,440 Speaker 1: feelings from someone who has no intention of giving them 545 00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:18,319 Speaker 1: to you. You know, you have everything that you need 546 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,200 Speaker 1: in yourself, so yeah, you don't need a man or 547 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:24,960 Speaker 1: a woman just getting very like new age RANTI like 548 00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:29,160 Speaker 1: independent woman vibe. But you know what I mean. You 549 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,160 Speaker 1: can do it all on your own. You don't need 550 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:34,160 Speaker 1: to beg someone for the time of day, or for 551 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:38,399 Speaker 1: a message back or for a reply. So I hope 552 00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:40,080 Speaker 1: you guys are all doing well wherever you are in 553 00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:43,640 Speaker 1: the world. If you're in Canberra, well we're getting through it. 554 00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:46,320 Speaker 1: We want to have eight cases today, which is so exciting. 555 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:49,200 Speaker 1: I never thought i'd say that, but yeah, I hope 556 00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:53,000 Speaker 1: you guys are all staying safe. Remember to subscribe if 557 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,520 Speaker 1: you're listening for the first time on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, 558 00:34:56,520 --> 00:35:00,000 Speaker 1: and follow us on Instagram. Like I staid, this idea 559 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:02,279 Speaker 1: of this one came from like an Instagram polo did, 560 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,000 Speaker 1: so if you want to kind of contribute, it's up 561 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:09,520 Speaker 1: to you to what episodes I get to look into. Yeah, 562 00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:12,920 Speaker 1: definitely give us a follow and thanks again for listening in. 563 00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:19,239 Speaker 1: Take care of yourselves and remember the egg doesn't chase 564 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:21,759 Speaker 1: the sperm. Bye.