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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are unfamiliar with

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Speaker 1: what couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode

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Speaker 1: where I answer questions that you guys send and you

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Speaker 1: can send them to Katherine atunedthapypodcast dot com. And each

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Speaker 1: week we try to answer one of your questions and

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Speaker 1: so if you have something you want to share with

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Speaker 1: me and get some insight on you, feel free to

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Speaker 1: send that. They always remain anonymous, and we also always

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Speaker 1: like to remind everybody that although I am somewhat answering

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Speaker 1: some of your questions, oftentimes with questions back, this podcast

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Speaker 1: does not serve as a replacement or a substitute for

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Speaker 1: any mental health services, although it can still help. So

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Speaker 1: we are doing the normal thing, answering one question from

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Speaker 1: one of y'all, and it's something I strongly relate to,

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Speaker 1: especially in my past, and I imagine some of y'all

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Speaker 1: will also relate to it, which is really what happens

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Speaker 1: most of the time. I get these questions, and I

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Speaker 1: don't know if you guys feel like you're the only

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Speaker 1: one in it, but their questions that I feel are

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Speaker 1: very not universal because not everybody is always struggling with

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Speaker 1: all of these things. But they're fairly common, but things

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Speaker 1: that we don't always talk about because of shame or

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Speaker 1: we don't think they're common. And so I really do

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Speaker 1: appreciate you guys sending these in because I imagine it

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Speaker 1: can be somewhat scary, especially if you think this isn't

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Speaker 1: a common thing. So that definitely applies today, and so

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna read the question and then we're gonna talk

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Speaker 1: about it. Hey, Kat, I've noticed a pattern in my

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Speaker 1: relationship history and I was wondering if you could offer

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Speaker 1: some insight on it. It seems like I am always

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Speaker 1: much more eager to find the relationship that I'm in

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Speaker 1: then the people I am dating are looking back. I

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Speaker 1: feel like I'm actually rushing into them. I am talking

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Speaker 1: date two or three, I'm ready to commit. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: feel wrong in the moment, but in retrospect, I can

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Speaker 1: definitely see how it may freak someone out. I just

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Speaker 1: don't know what the typical timeframe for the stages of

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Speaker 1: dating are, or if they exist at all. Do you

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Speaker 1: have any tips on how to slow down the process

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Speaker 1: of dating or information on how the stages of dating

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Speaker 1: should feel and move time wise. Thanks for all you do. Okay, So,

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Speaker 1: like I said, this is something that I have also

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Speaker 1: experienced in my past. So I have a lot of

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Speaker 1: empathy in this situation. And it's so hard to know

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Speaker 1: what the right thing to do is in relationships because

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Speaker 1: there isn't just one right thing. And for a lot

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Speaker 1: of people, the beginning of relationships can be so fun

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Speaker 1: and exciting that it becomes super easy to just get

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Speaker 1: caught up in it and the excitement and just move

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Speaker 1: based on our emotional highs. And one rule of thumb

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Speaker 1: that I like to tell everybody and I like to

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Speaker 1: tell myself when I was dating, this is the lesson

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Speaker 1: I had to learn myself is that in a healthy relationship,

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Speaker 1: there is no rush. When we are healthy in relationships,

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Speaker 1: we are not rushed because of a lot of reasons.

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Speaker 1: Now in the beginning stages of dating and getting to

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Speaker 1: know somebody, when we like somebody, we can be super

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Speaker 1: cool to see them over and over and over and

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Speaker 1: over and over and over again, almost like they're a

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Speaker 1: drug and we just want to get another hit of it.

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Speaker 1: But it's also really important to give yourself time to

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Speaker 1: process really how you feel about that person versus how

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Speaker 1: you feel when you're with them, and how you feel

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Speaker 1: about wanting a relationship. And that's what I meant by

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Speaker 1: earlier seeing we can get caught up in the excitement

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Speaker 1: and move based on our emotional highs versus really how

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Speaker 1: we're feeling about this person's and if it's a right

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Speaker 1: fit for us. What I've also seen in the more

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Speaker 1: recent years is relationships tend to move super fast because

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Speaker 1: by the time people meet for a date, they have

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Speaker 1: been talking on an app or texting for like one

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Speaker 1: to three weeks daily and sometimes have been sharing some

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Speaker 1: really intimate things and having what feel like really intimate

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Speaker 1: conversations before you even meet the person. And I don't

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Speaker 1: necessarily think this is always a bad thing and it

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Speaker 1: means that you're doomed, but I do caution people and

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Speaker 1: engaging with this for the most part, because it kind

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Speaker 1: of tricks our brain into thinking we know this person

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Speaker 1: better than we do, and that we are farther along

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Speaker 1: in the process than we are. I strongly suggest if

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Speaker 1: you are dating online, meet the person as soon as

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Speaker 1: you can get off the app, get off texting as

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Speaker 1: soon as possible, because when you are with somebody, it

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Speaker 1: is a different experience, and I want people to experience

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Speaker 1: getting to know somebody and having those get to know

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Speaker 1: you easy conversations that can lead to more intimate conversations

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Speaker 1: for the actual date, because you either get on the

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Speaker 1: date and it's like really awkward because you're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I know your whole life story. Uh, this is awkward

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Speaker 1: where we talk about or we get to the date

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Speaker 1: and we're like, oh my gosh, this energetically doesn't feel right.

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Speaker 1: And I have given so many intimate details of my

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Speaker 1: life to this person that I wish that I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: have done. So get in person with the person as

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Speaker 1: fast as possible, and that actually might help you slow

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Speaker 1: down the process because you're not moving when it's really easy.

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Speaker 1: When we're just texting, it can feel like this person

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Speaker 1: is part of our lives, right, they're integrating our lives.

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Speaker 1: We say good morning, we text how we're doing the

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Speaker 1: mid of the day, We tell them about our family,

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Speaker 1: all of these things and what we're doing all the time.

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Speaker 1: When often when we're starting to date somebody in person,

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Speaker 1: we're not texting that person every single day all the time.

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Speaker 1: So the apps have really changed that because of the

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Speaker 1: conversational nature of the beginning of how those really work out.

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Speaker 1: It's not hey, message, set up a time to me.

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Speaker 1: It's hey, message, we got to see if we like

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Speaker 1: each other, then set up a time to me. There

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Speaker 1: doesn't need to be a long hour long conversations over

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Speaker 1: days to decide if you want to meet somebody. It

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Speaker 1: can be a couple messages back and forth. It can

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Speaker 1: be one conversation and then you meet them, and then

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Speaker 1: you save all the other stuff to give yourself a

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Speaker 1: real chance of being with that person in person. Now,

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Speaker 1: like I said, when you're getting the good morning text

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Speaker 1: and the good night text before you meet somebody, it

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Speaker 1: can feel good in the moment. Also in reality it's

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Speaker 1: kind of weird. And it's very very important to remember

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Speaker 1: that there is a difference between intimacy and information. People

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Speaker 1: can be quick to give a lot of information up quickly.

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Speaker 1: That creates an illusion of knowing someone and creating an

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Speaker 1: intimate bond keyword illusion. However, intimacy includes time and information.

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Speaker 1: We have to experience someone to know them intimately, not

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Speaker 1: just gain information about them. I actually met my fiance

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Speaker 1: on a dating app and we didn't talk much at

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Speaker 1: all before we met up, which is something that was

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Speaker 1: pretty important to me because of a lot of my history.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm telling you, I was on these dating

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Speaker 1: apps for a long time and I had a lot

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Speaker 1: of poor results from them, and I learned a lot

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Speaker 1: about myself and about dating about people by using them.

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Speaker 1: But like I said, we didn't really talk much at

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Speaker 1: all before we met up, to the point I thought

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Speaker 1: he was ghosting me because after we set up the date,

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Speaker 1: I didn't really hear from him until the evening of

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Speaker 1: our date, when I checked in to make sure we

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Speaker 1: were still going. I even had texted Stacy, who was

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Speaker 1: one of the therapists that works at Three Chords Therapy

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Speaker 1: with me. I texted her and I was like, I'm

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Speaker 1: dressed up for this date. If I get stood up,

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Speaker 1: I need you to come meet me for a glass

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Speaker 1: of wine. And she was like, Okay, I'm there, but

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Speaker 1: why do you think you're getting stood up? Which I didn't, luckily,

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Speaker 1: But I share that because it was actually really cool

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Speaker 1: because we had so much to talk about and we

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Speaker 1: were not really that connected to each other. There was

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Speaker 1: If it didn't work out, it wouldn't be a huge loss.

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Speaker 1: We didn't invest a lot of time into each other,

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Speaker 1: and I wanted to see what it what felt like

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Speaker 1: to be sitting with him and hear him say these

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Speaker 1: things and hear how our conversations flow in person. Before

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Speaker 1: I really started investing much more, our conversations between dates

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Speaker 1: were pretty slim for the first couple of weeks even,

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Speaker 1: and we went about four days one time even a

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Speaker 1: week between each of our first dates, like three to

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Speaker 1: four dates, so that process was pretty slow. And then

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Speaker 1: things started to pick up pretty quickly after that. But

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Speaker 1: I wasn't head over heels after the first couple of dates.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't head over heels when he met on the app.

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Speaker 1: In fact, I almost didn't go on our third date.

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Speaker 1: I obviously went, but I wasn't dying to get back

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Speaker 1: out there, which is hilarious now, especially because we move

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Speaker 1: so much faster. Starting around like our fourth date, it's

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Speaker 1: really started to pick up. But it was really nice

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Speaker 1: to be able to just like take my time and

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Speaker 1: having conversations with this person, spending time with this person,

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Speaker 1: letting it sink in, and allowing myself to process if

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Speaker 1: I wanted to see him again or if I just

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Speaker 1: wanted to go on another date again, and I got

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Speaker 1: to process the things that I liked about him. I

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Speaker 1: got to process the things I didn't like about him,

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Speaker 1: which is very important to look at both and not

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Speaker 1: just put our rose colored glasses on, which is something

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Speaker 1: that we tend to do when we want to make

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Speaker 1: something work. Another thing that adds to the moving fast

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Speaker 1: experience is that when we start dating someone, we get

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Speaker 1: excited about all the newness and the fun and the

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Speaker 1: shininess of the experiences we're having without actually integrating that

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Speaker 1: person into our lives. Right, So it's kind of like

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Speaker 1: vacation mode almost in dating. We can't really realistically decide

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Speaker 1: if we want to integrate somebody in into our lives

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Speaker 1: and make this person a staple and commit to this

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Speaker 1: person in my life if I haven't given myself a

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Speaker 1: chance to see what it's like to develop a relationship

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Speaker 1: with them and the reality of what both of our

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Speaker 1: lives look like. So it's not just about the date

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Speaker 1: goes well, it's about do our lifestyles matchup? For some people,

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Speaker 1: do they get along with my friends? It's do I

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Speaker 1: get along with their friends? Do our schedules match up?

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Speaker 1: And can we actually realistically make time to see each

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Speaker 1: other the amount that I would like to see the

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Speaker 1: person that I'm dating. And while it's okay and often

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Speaker 1: a good sign that you're excited about somebody, we need

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Speaker 1: to give ourselves space to really understand what excites us

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Speaker 1: about the person we are dating versus just the experience

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Speaker 1: of dating somebody in general. And we don't want to

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Speaker 1: look at our potential partners with rose colored glasses. We

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Speaker 1: don't want to pick our partners apart. But it is

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Speaker 1: healthy to notice the things that we don't like or

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Speaker 1: that we just want to be aware of or be

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Speaker 1: cautious of. And again, there's no right pace or way

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Speaker 1: to move through the stages of dating, but there are

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Speaker 1: extremes on both sides, and we should be aware of

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Speaker 1: when we are dabbling in those extremes. When the relationship

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Speaker 1: is at lightning speed, and when the relationship is at

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Speaker 1: a snail's pace, you might want to be a little

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Speaker 1: curious about what's going on within that experience. The number

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Speaker 1: one thing, though, that you really got to find in

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Speaker 1: this is a partner who is compatible with the pace

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Speaker 1: that you move and compatible with your personality in what

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Speaker 1: you want out of the relationship and how you see

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Speaker 1: relationships and how they work. People who live more in

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Speaker 1: the moment tend to move faster. They view labeling things

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Speaker 1: and all that a little differently than somebody who likes

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Speaker 1: to plan for the future. They might want to go

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Speaker 1: a little slow, or compared to somebody who really is

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Speaker 1: careful about planning for their fetuture and how everything aligns,

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Speaker 1: they might want to take things more slowly. And honestly,

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Speaker 1: neither of them are better than the other. It just

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Speaker 1: comes down to preference and compatibility. For some people, calling

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Speaker 1: you their girlfriend or boyfriend isn't that big of a deal.

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Speaker 1: For some it's a really monumental thing and carries a

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Speaker 1: lot of weight, and you have to match that up

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Speaker 1: with your partner or be understanding of their process. And

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Speaker 1: along with that, I think understanding what each stage of

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Speaker 1: dating means for the other person is super helpful. So

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Speaker 1: we attach different meanings to the stages based on our

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Speaker 1: own experiences. We don't have these universally defined stages of

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Speaker 1: what talking means, what dating means, what a commitment means,

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Speaker 1: what seeing somebody means. You can ask one person in

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Speaker 1: dating means I'm going on dates with them. Another person

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Speaker 1: that might mean there my girlfriend or boyfriend or partner.

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Speaker 1: So having that conversation could be super helpful along with

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Speaker 1: looking what's really underneath the need and the desire to

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Speaker 1: define the relationship. Why is it important? What does it

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Speaker 1: change for you? What does it mean for you? And

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Speaker 1: what does it not change that we need to acknowledge.

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Speaker 1: Answering these questions can change your persistence in the commitment

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Speaker 1: process for you. So I really would say start there.

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Speaker 1: If you're looking at how do I slow myself down?

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Speaker 1: Because I notice myself getting ahead of myself and instead

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Speaker 1: of trying to define the relationship right out of the gate,

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Speaker 1: have a conversation about how you feel and where you

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Speaker 1: hope the relationship goes with the person you're dating. Then

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Speaker 1: the relationship status may more naturally and authentically just develop

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Speaker 1: based on mutual feelings that it actually may give you

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Speaker 1: more ease and waiting and letting the process take you

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Speaker 1: where it takes you. So per usual leaving this one

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Speaker 1: with some questions rather than direct things to do, But

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Speaker 1: I do want you to know that this is something

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Speaker 1: that a lot of people are going to relate to

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Speaker 1: on both ends. Some people have a really hard time committing.

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Speaker 1: Some people have a really hard time staying in that

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Speaker 1: limbo period and allowing the process to be a little slower.

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Speaker 1: So I hope this was helpful as always, and if

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Speaker 1: you have any more questions or feedback, you can send

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Speaker 1: that to Katherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can follow us at you Need Therapy Podcasts at

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Speaker 1: cat dot defada and my practice at Three Cords Therapy.

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Speaker 1: And until Monday when I talk to you guys again,

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys have the day you need to have.