Speaker 1: Readings and salutations to you, the American public. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the television program Good Government, brought to you in coordination
Speaker 1: with the Federal Communications Commission and the Office of the
Speaker 1: White House, and Yours truly, President of the United States,
Speaker 1: John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Today I bring the American government to
Speaker 1: the American people and hope to open up a dialogue
Speaker 1: between the federal government and you, the common citizen. Although
Speaker 1: there's nothing common about you, whether you live in the
Speaker 1: slums of Chicago, or the ghettos of New York City,
Speaker 1: or the heights of Beverly Hills or the con plains.
Speaker 2: Of Iowa, your voice.
Speaker 1: Means something to the American people and to me, your President.
Speaker 1: In the lawn tradition of government communication with the American people,
Speaker 1: in the tradition of FDI's fireside chats, we are taking
Speaker 1: this opportunity to speak to you directly today. We have
Speaker 1: various subjects that we hope to accomplish discussing with you
Speaker 1: and bringing to your kitchen tables to discuss with your family,
Speaker 1: your children, your wives, and your husbands. Many great events
Speaker 1: have occurred over the last year, some of them fantastic
Speaker 1: and others tragic. World events do not stop for any
Speaker 1: one man, and instead, the United States must and always
Speaker 1: be the leader of the free world, fighting back against
Speaker 1: communism and fighting back against the fosses that would subjugate
Speaker 1: the will of the.
Speaker 2: People of the world.
Speaker 1: And without further ado, to bring a street perspective, an
Speaker 1: amazing raconteur and comedian, a man who is leading a
Speaker 1: fight for free speech on the ground and sometimes much
Speaker 1: to my chagrin.
Speaker 2: But that's what America is all about.
Speaker 1: Opportunity to face those who disagree with you, who made.
Speaker 2: Me think you're not going too far.
Speaker 1: He's a funny man and you can see him at
Speaker 1: the gas Light Downtown in New York City, which I
Speaker 1: had the opportunity to do a few months ago. Please
Speaker 1: welcome comedian and commentator Leonard Bruce Johnny.
Speaker 2: Good to see you, honey. Thanks for having me on. Ah,
Speaker 2: it's in honor to have you and I'm.
Speaker 1: Hey, yeah, I didn't think he'd finished that, huh. Took forever. Well,
Speaker 1: often you have to make sure to provide information and
Speaker 1: clarity to the audience so that they understand what you're
Speaker 1: doing and why you're doing it.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm just saying you knew the TV.
Speaker 1: I mean so am I but uh, I think we
Speaker 1: all knew the TV. I mean it's only been around. Really,
Speaker 1: you look a little stiff. Well, I do have a
Speaker 1: bag problem. And this is the first time I'm admitting
Speaker 1: this publicly, but I actually have Addison's disease, which I
Speaker 1: have to take severe medication for that often addles me,
Speaker 1: sometimes putting me in semi psychotic states. Uh huh, You
Speaker 1: sure it's just not Jackie making you sleep on the couch.
Speaker 1: You better watch your mouth or I'll pop your jar.
Speaker 1: You understand, I'll pop your jar right off. Give you
Speaker 1: old Kennedy knuckle, which I also give Jackie sometimes at night.
Speaker 1: Your knuckle it's called the Kennedy knuckle from Kennedy moose knuckle.
Speaker 1: The Kennedy moose knuckle where what you do is while
Speaker 1: performing connor lingis you shove your knuckle up her anus?
Speaker 1: God Jesus Christ, all right, I thought I was obscene.
Speaker 2: All right, Johnny, how are.
Speaker 1: You all of that was doing medically accurate information? Lenny,
Speaker 1: I'm doing great.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: Recently I had the opportunity to visit with my nephew,
Speaker 1: Bobby Jr. The son of the Attorney General of the
Speaker 1: United States, and he's turning out to be quite a
Speaker 1: wonderful young man.
Speaker 2: Yeah, how's he doing. I'm fixated on my nephew. I
Speaker 2: want to know what he's gonna do. Who he's He
Speaker 2: said he wanted to be a doctor. Isn't that right?
Speaker 1: Well I've never heard that, actually, Lenny, I've always heard
Speaker 1: he wants to be a lawyer. Even at seven years old.
Speaker 1: He's emphatic, I'm a lawy layer. I want to be
Speaker 1: a lawyer. I have no interest in being a doctor.
Speaker 1: Yet at the same time he often is providing medical advice.
Speaker 2: We found him the other day cutting open.
Speaker 1: A mouse on the White House South lawn with exacto knife.
Speaker 2: Very curious, boy, Lennard.
Speaker 1: Very curious. That's uh. That would makes you think he's
Speaker 1: gonna be a violent person.
Speaker 2: No, well not really.
Speaker 1: Most Kennedy's have been caught cutting something open at some
Speaker 1: point in their childhood's.
Speaker 2: It's a ride of passage.
Speaker 1: My uncle caught open a beaver right before he was
Speaker 1: shipped off to Germany for World War One.
Speaker 2: Cut open a beaver. That's something I think you would do.
Speaker 1: Oh, you're using a slang for really giving it to
Speaker 1: a woman.
Speaker 2: I didn't say anything. You said it.
Speaker 1: Well, now this is interesting because you said I didn't
Speaker 1: say anything. But you're very you're very verbose, often speaking
Speaker 1: out against the government and of course my policies. Well, Lenny,
Speaker 1: you have an opportunity. You're here with me right now,
Speaker 1: so have ad it with me. Lenny, tell me what's
Speaker 1: wrong with me that you're having a problem with my
Speaker 1: How much time you got? First of all, your boys
Speaker 1: arrested me last night. I don't know if you heard
Speaker 1: about this.
Speaker 2: FBI or answered you no what? Yes, Well, I was
Speaker 2: doing a show and it was going.
Speaker 1: Pretty well, and I guess I started to get too obscene,
Speaker 1: too indecent on stage. Well, and some men came in
Speaker 1: and took me off stage, arrested me and were.
Speaker 2: You're speaking about communism? Yeah, I was talking about how
Speaker 2: I was talking about community.
Speaker 1: Well, now here's a problem. We can't be talking about communism.
Speaker 1: It encourages the youth and it does the job of
Speaker 1: you know, I met with Nikita Krushchef recently and showed
Speaker 1: him you fucked that up, didn't you.
Speaker 2: Well some would say, yes, that I was.
Speaker 1: A little too congenial with him, and that Khrushchef ran
Speaker 1: the table with me. I thought he was a nice man.
Speaker 2: I thought, Jackie cut is snuggling with the man. This
Speaker 2: is true, Lenny. I'll admit it here that.
Speaker 1: I said to him, you look like a giant bald seal,
Speaker 1: and I've always wanted to lay with the seal and
Speaker 1: roll around with it and feel its sandy skin.
Speaker 2: And he put some corn up your ass.
Speaker 1: He did because I presented him this was actually an
Speaker 1: exercise in diplomacy. We of course produce the second most
Speaker 1: con in the world, next to Russia, which produces the
Speaker 1: most corn anywhere in the world, even though it's not
Speaker 1: native to their land.
Speaker 2: Well that would mean yeah, that didn't mean that they're first.
Speaker 2: That's right. So they're first, we're second, but we're number
Speaker 2: one in the world. And so he took a fucking
Speaker 2: to you, Lenny, Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1: He took the corn cob and I said, I would
Speaker 1: like to exchange cabs, and we both actually placed a
Speaker 1: cab inside each other's rear, and uh, the heat in
Speaker 1: his I'll say this about Russians. The reason they stay
Speaker 1: warm during the winter is clearly they have a higher
Speaker 1: body temperature than most human beings. This man shoved that
Speaker 1: era corn up his rear, and when he removed it
Speaker 1: there was not one kernel remaining. Only fifteen minutes later,
Speaker 1: I heard a snapping in a poppet and his pants
Speaker 1: started to balloon up. I thought, well, this is some
Speaker 1: sort of magic trick. Well, here's the things producing popcorn
Speaker 1: out of his ass.
Speaker 2: That's crazy popcorn.
Speaker 1: It full knos of popcorn, which was perfect because we
Speaker 1: were just about to watch a movie. You watched, Yeah,
Speaker 1: watch Have you seen that new movie Cape Fear that
Speaker 1: came out.
Speaker 2: Yes, Robert Mitchell love Robert Mitcham.
Speaker 1: I loved Robert Mitcham in other movies that he's done,
Speaker 1: The Night Hunt, the Night Hunter, I mean Night Hunter,
Speaker 1: Night of the Hunter, Night of the Cunt.
Speaker 2: Neither the Hunter, Night of the Cunt. No, no, nither
Speaker 2: of the Hunter.
Speaker 1: Well, you see, you get to say these things whatever
Speaker 1: you want. And uh, if I go on stage and
Speaker 1: that's not how it works, you know, I usually get
Speaker 1: arrested for obscenity, for indecency, and I just don't think
Speaker 1: that's fair. There's certain people in power who get to
Speaker 1: do things.
Speaker 2: That us poor folk don't get to.
Speaker 1: Well, now, first off, Lenny, tell me what's your observation
Speaker 1: about the state of America. I think it, uh, I
Speaker 1: think it's fallen apart. If you ask me, give me
Speaker 1: an example, Well, what'd you do? What about the Bay
Speaker 1: of Pigs invasion? Let's talk about that. Well, I was
Speaker 1: misled by a cobble of CIA operatives. As you know,
Speaker 1: I'm going to make a lot of admissions here today, Lenny,
Speaker 1: that normally I would not share. But I feel that
Speaker 1: this is the beginning of what I hope to be
Speaker 1: an open and honest conversation with the American people that
Speaker 1: will last for two terms, if not more. If I
Speaker 1: had my brothers, but the American intelligence services are running
Speaker 1: roughshot over the military civilian, military controlled operations. I was
Speaker 1: advised paully by my central intelligence advisors that a way
Speaker 1: to destabilize Cuba and remove the scarch that is Castro,
Speaker 1: that we could simply organize a variety of swathy Cuban
Speaker 1: expats along with a small group of people, including a
Speaker 1: weird bald man named g Garden Liddy, who I had
Speaker 1: the displeasure of meeting, that would go over there, storm
Speaker 1: the beaches and then move into Cuba and destabilize it
Speaker 1: so that it would And what happened to Western could
Speaker 1: draw well and what happened Johnny, Well, I'll tell you
Speaker 1: what happened.
Speaker 2: It was sort of like a Martin Lewis film.
Speaker 1: They rolled up after Cuban started running back into the water.
Speaker 1: The other ones got on banana boats and started riding
Speaker 1: around having a good old time like they were at
Speaker 1: a resort, and the CIA boys started shooting at each other.
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, it was a complete yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they were captured. Our secret plans were revealed, and then
Speaker 1: and they even got a note.
Speaker 2: We had a note.
Speaker 1: I don't know why anyone had this note on them,
Speaker 1: but it was a note that I had written personally
Speaker 1: on my desk, and I found later it had been
Speaker 1: taken off the desk. And the idea was, Oh, let's
Speaker 1: make an exploding Cuban cigar, and then we'll send it
Speaker 1: with a big bowl, big pink bow in a big
Speaker 1: white box like I want a brought this cartoon, and
Speaker 1: we'll send it to Fidel Castro and he'll open up
Speaker 1: and he'll go oOoOO.
Speaker 2: And this didn't seem like a bad plan at all
Speaker 2: to you.
Speaker 1: I thought he'd for sure light that cigar then it
Speaker 1: would explode blow his head off, and he'd be like,
Speaker 1: danfy duck.
Speaker 2: That's crazy.
Speaker 1: Well, that's unfortunately they found the note and then Castro saying, well,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get that Kennedy, and so far I've avoided
Speaker 1: him Light the road Runner and he's of course wiley
Speaker 1: road Runner.
Speaker 2: Now who is the roadrunner? The road runner is a
Speaker 2: bird that runs around.
Speaker 1: It's produced so Saturday morning television program that's going to
Speaker 1: be released in the late sixties.
Speaker 2: And as you know, we.
Speaker 1: Approve all Saturday morning cartoons through the federal government and
Speaker 1: often it's a six to ten year approval process. In fact,
Speaker 1: you can look forward to in nineteen seventy really fun
Speaker 1: show about some young urban use named Fat Albert and friends.
Speaker 2: And they will be they.
Speaker 1: Will be having a grand all time with one of
Speaker 1: your good friends, Bill Cosby, the hilarious star of I
Speaker 1: Spy Bill Cosby.
Speaker 2: Lovely man, wonderful gentleman, great guy. You love Bill Cosby,
Speaker 2: don't you, Lenny? I love Bill Cob.
Speaker 1: You spent a lot of time with him, of course,
Speaker 1: kinds of time, all kinds of time.
Speaker 2: We're always hanging out.
Speaker 1: Yeah, give me let's talk, Manny, give me some of
Speaker 1: that brand give me a you know what, Lenny, I've.
Speaker 2: Been talking a lot.
Speaker 1: Why don't you give me a little bit of that
Speaker 1: that that uh, you know Patent died a beat Nick humor,
Speaker 1: that you're known for.
Speaker 2: Your time to shine?
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, now, I uh now, last week, can we
Speaker 1: talk a little bit about when we met up parsilely?
Speaker 1: We went into Austin, Texas. Remember that we were on
Speaker 1: our way to Dallas. We stopped by Austin, Texas. Austin
Speaker 1: was amazing, all right, Austin was incredible. I love performing there.
Speaker 2: Great guys, great people, that's right.
Speaker 1: And if you remember, we sent Jackie on to Dallas
Speaker 1: Alley and you and I went out cruising for.
Speaker 2: Pushy out there in the streets.
Speaker 1: Yes, on the seas, now, Lenny, is it We took
Speaker 1: a nice little me and Johnny.
Speaker 2: Yes, we took a nice little boat on the water. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I had a couple of drinks, right, that's right, we had.
Speaker 2: I mean, you call it a boat, but I would
Speaker 2: call it maybe more of a ship. Well, we all returned, Leny, Yes,
Speaker 2: and we all returned to our mother. I would call
Speaker 2: it a mother ship. Actually it was a mothership. It
Speaker 2: really was.
Speaker 1: The ship reminded me of my mother Rose Kennedy Stady
Speaker 1: going to last forever, controlling the seas. And it was
Speaker 1: a ship, it was a mothership. And I enjoyed the
Speaker 1: mothership quite a bit. I also thought that the captain
Speaker 1: or joey as we call them, that's an old World
Speaker 1: War Two term, the.
Speaker 2: Joe of the boat. And uh, his name.
Speaker 1: Was Joe Logan, captain of the mothership. Great, gentlemen, wonderful time. Great,
Speaker 1: that sounds amazing. You remember that Weasley guy. We spent
Speaker 1: time with the Weasley guy. Wh and you and I
Speaker 1: went down to Florida.
Speaker 2: Do you remember that? Well, no, Louisiana. We went down
Speaker 2: to New Orleans.
Speaker 1: No, tell me, Johnny, Well who was We went down
Speaker 1: to New Orleans and you and I you don't remember this.
Speaker 2: You were performing at the Jazz Club and it was
Speaker 2: my Steve there.
Speaker 1: Steve Allen was there, Yes, Hefner, Steve Heffner, No, Steve
Speaker 1: Allen and you yeah, Hugh Hefner, Steve Allen, Mortshaw, all
Speaker 1: of them were there. And of course the one and
Speaker 1: only my Fank Zapper. He's a teenage boy. Don't know
Speaker 1: what he's going to do, right, And there was a
Speaker 1: spindly young man who was handing out an anti cubea lieflets.
Speaker 1: I think his name was Lee, something like that, and
Speaker 1: we had a rollicking knight that night with him. Very
Speaker 1: paranoid gentleman kept talking about wanting to go to Russia.
Speaker 1: I told him, don't go to Russia. It's not a
Speaker 1: good idea.
Speaker 2: I'm running. Look, he needed some sleep, that very tired guy.
Speaker 1: And then he kept saying, hey, do you want to
Speaker 1: see what I can do in my photo shop?
Speaker 2: And I said what do you mean.
Speaker 1: He took me back to this shed and he said,
Speaker 1: look how I can place my head on this man
Speaker 1: holding a rifle? And I said, well, that's quite incredible
Speaker 1: in his photoshop. And he took his head and he
Speaker 1: used an exact o knife much like the one that
Speaker 1: Bobby Jr. Used To cut open. Now that photo shop
Speaker 1: that you told me that that was in a clay
Speaker 1: hut and Adobe in the dose in Adobe photoshop, and
Speaker 1: it was it was quite amazing. He couldn't get the
Speaker 1: shadow right on his neck for the rifle he was holding,
Speaker 1: but it was pretty impressive. I mean, you'd be able
Speaker 1: to tell it was a fake anywhere, and anyone who
Speaker 1: believed that it was a real photo would be an.
Speaker 2: Absolute stone cold idiot.
Speaker 1: But I'm glad to call Lee Harvey Oswald was his name.
Speaker 1: A good friend, friend, a quality person, and someone I
Speaker 1: would spend time with. And one thing I can say
Speaker 1: for Shaw, if there's one person in this world that
Speaker 1: I don't believe would ever take a shot at me,
Speaker 1: kill me, murdered me, grabbed me, throw me by the neck,
Speaker 1: injected me with poison, beat me.
Speaker 2: He was a good guy.
Speaker 1: Now he had also a friend with him that night.
Speaker 1: His name was Jack Jack Ruby, fun jew fun. He
Speaker 1: was a fun jew, wonderful guy. Uh and he was
Speaker 1: he owned a if you remember a place of ille
Speaker 1: repute where we went and had a good old time.
Speaker 2: Oh not mob related at all.
Speaker 1: Well, you know that's something that is a difficult subject
Speaker 1: for me to address. As you know, I work with
Speaker 1: a lot of union representative.
Speaker 2: Now you are closely with the MAKA.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna admit here, Lenny, I'm gonna admit that I
Speaker 1: work with the mafia. That I'm in with the mafia
Speaker 1: that Sammy g and Koso and U Fundito.
Speaker 2: Taco, all of them.
Speaker 1: I've worked with every every one of them and Giovanni Ribisi,
Speaker 1: every single one. They're all the crime the head crime
Speaker 1: bosses of the different Ralph Macio, of the Five Families.
Speaker 2: They're all there.
Speaker 1: They're wonderful people and they only kill their own, and
Speaker 1: they make sure to keep crime down off the streets.
Speaker 1: And that's why we send our FBI out to arrest comedians.
Speaker 1: All right, now, you told me you wanted to come
Speaker 1: on and talk about some topics that a gonna help
Speaker 1: the United States. Yeah, I didn't believe you. I thought
Speaker 1: it was absolute bullshit part of me, mister press.
Speaker 2: So that's fine. This is an open and honest conversation.
Speaker 1: Lenny and I Will told me I wouldn't be arrested
Speaker 1: for obscenity if I Christier.
Speaker 2: So I could say anything I want. I could say fun, you.
Speaker 1: Could say funk, you could say I could say you're
Speaker 1: a pig. FU, you could say, rip off your cunt
Speaker 1: lips and put them up your asshole.
Speaker 2: Rip up your cunt lips, Johnny, and put them up
Speaker 2: your asshole. You see, there's gonna be nothing's gonna happen. Well,
Speaker 2: I wanted to discuss a few scandals that have been circling.
Speaker 2: That's fine.
Speaker 1: I can handle anything. All right, let's talk about solidimide,
Speaker 1: all right.
Speaker 2: Children, nothing, litter, don't, don't, don't, don't. What do you
Speaker 2: just make that up? That sounds like it would be
Speaker 2: a fun bridge in a song.
Speaker 1: We all know tholidamide was prescribed to women who were
Speaker 1: going through morning sickness, right we know that? Well, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: it's more. There's nothing more disgusting. A woman's already had
Speaker 1: a child, which is the most disgusting thing they can do.
Speaker 1: And then, of course on top of it, they're baffing,
Speaker 1: which I find darthing.
Speaker 2: Happens before morning sickness, doesn't happen after.
Speaker 1: Oh no, that's not how it happened with Jackie. She
Speaker 1: was throwing up on John John every day.
Speaker 2: That's incredible. I didn't know that. But okay, Well, these
Speaker 2: women that.
Speaker 1: Took pholidomide, yes, their babies came out with birth defense. Well,
Speaker 1: you know, I prefer to call them birth affects. They
Speaker 1: are birth affects, Lenny. For instance, what's more fun than
Speaker 1: having an extra head coming out of your hand, an extra.
Speaker 2: Hand coming out of your head? Okay, so you're making
Speaker 2: a joke about.
Speaker 1: This, Oh, I'm saying in all honesty, Lenny, when we
Speaker 1: think about it, it's a prejudice to say that people
Speaker 1: who have an extra hand or two anuses on their cheeks,
Speaker 1: or five tits and only one nipple. That's easy for
Speaker 1: you to say. I mean, you're the president, You get
Speaker 1: the fuck whoever you want. True, you get the bomb
Speaker 1: whoever you want, not everyone I want. Okay, But some
Speaker 1: of these people are really in shock and they're depressed
Speaker 1: because their babies have these defects.
Speaker 2: I mean, what do you say to these moms? Johnny,
Speaker 2: you better.
Speaker 1: You shouldn't have let these clinical trials go through me
Speaker 1: a better mother. Learn how to spot the signs with
Speaker 1: your child. If you boffing spot the signs like extra well,
Speaker 1: like extra fingers exactly, you know, every day count the
Speaker 1: fingers and toes on your child. If you, for instance,
Speaker 1: one day you've been taking philidamide and now you have
Speaker 1: your baby, and then the next day you go, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, my baby has two heads.
Speaker 2: Take them to the doctor. Well that's the thing.
Speaker 1: If you take it on a different day, different parts
Speaker 1: of the baby will be affected. That's right, that's true.
Speaker 1: Maybe this would be a benefit. I mean, the Russians
Speaker 1: wouldn't see it coming a soldier with two heads, one
Speaker 1: that can look for you.
Speaker 2: Weren't okay? You were trying to make super babies. Is
Speaker 2: that what you're saying.
Speaker 1: I want to say that the lindamide might have been
Speaker 1: a mistake, but we need to continue to As my
Speaker 1: nephew has said to me, Bobby Kennedy Jr. Many times,
Speaker 1: why do you keep bringing him up? By the way,
Speaker 1: I love my nephew more than my own son. I'd
Speaker 1: like to spend most of my time with my nephew,
Speaker 1: and if I could, I would swap out my son
Speaker 1: with my nephew because I like him more and I
Speaker 1: enjoyed the conversations we have. The other day he swallowed
Speaker 1: the frog and now he sounds strict. I want you
Speaker 1: to know what my nephew said. My nephew said to me,
Speaker 1: we need to continue to create different medicines and medications
Speaker 1: for women while not learning anything about their health.
Speaker 2: And I thought that was wise.
Speaker 1: There's no need to learn about a woman's health because
Speaker 1: of a woman is just like a man, except that
Speaker 1: they have an Indian instead of an Audi.
Speaker 2: But besides that, it's the same exact thing.
Speaker 1: But what they do need to be what does need
Speaker 1: to happen is they need to be controlled through medication.
Speaker 1: So I'm introducing a new pilot program that's called Quiet,
Speaker 1: Shut Up Women, And it's different drugs that will make
Speaker 1: women quieter, put them to sleep, mall or amp them up,
Speaker 1: give them a little speed, make them start cleaning the
Speaker 1: house faster. We are proposing, for instance, methamphetamine based medication
Speaker 1: that should be provided by the end of the month
Speaker 1: to all mothers and wives around the United States of
Speaker 1: America so that they can clean faster and then feed
Speaker 1: their children even better.
Speaker 2: Have you ever taken meth Yes, and I'm on it
Speaker 2: right now. Feels good. Well, when you have Addison's disease,
Speaker 2: it just what is that since disease? You keep talking
Speaker 2: about this shit?
Speaker 1: It's where your head gets big and your eyes are
Speaker 1: bulgy and you're all tie all the time.
Speaker 2: So you need to take speed so that you can
Speaker 2: be normal.
Speaker 1: And you get a little you get a little goofy,
Speaker 1: and your body hurts and you go a little crazy.
Speaker 2: All right, So very first measles vaccine.
Speaker 1: What is a vaccine, Well, a vaccine is a way
Speaker 1: in which the virus, which has been rendered dead but
Speaker 1: is still effective at getting into the human bloodstream, and
Speaker 1: it tricks the body into believing that the body has
Speaker 1: the disease, so it produces what they call antibodies.
Speaker 2: These antibodies then.
Speaker 1: Train the system of the body, the health, the white
Speaker 1: blood cells to reject that disease when it is actually.
Speaker 2: Lee entered into this essa.
Speaker 1: Well, now you trust these things, these vaccines putting this
Speaker 1: disease into your body. Although I have been a proponent
Speaker 1: of the measles vaccine, I recently on a play date
Speaker 1: with my nephew when I spent an entire two weeks
Speaker 1: Bobby Junior. Bobby Junior and I. I this is now,
Speaker 1: this is the third or fourth time you've mentioned I
Speaker 1: love him more than I love myself.
Speaker 2: I would gladly give my life for him. And I.
Speaker 1: Actually it took two weeks off and we went to
Speaker 1: Camp David and it was just Bobby Junior and I
Speaker 1: and I asked him all these questions about medicines and
Speaker 1: different things, while you know, he would come back from
Speaker 1: having kind of cat open or unfortunately, he accidentally pushed
Speaker 1: a secret serviceman Ova and he hit his head on.
Speaker 2: A rock, dying and not by any fall to Bobby.
Speaker 1: And then Bobby of course opened up his skull and
Speaker 1: looked inside the brain to see what makes him work,
Speaker 1: trying to bring him back to life.
Speaker 2: But unfortunately, all right, it seems fucked up. Okay, Bobby
Speaker 2: did he want to take the vaccine? I wouldn't.
Speaker 1: Well I would. I had to take it. As president,
Speaker 1: you have to take a vaccine.
Speaker 2: So then what about Bobby? So he refused.
Speaker 1: He refused, and he's planning to just ride out the
Speaker 1: measles if so. He has, he has the measles, had it,
Speaker 1: He's had it for three months now, keeps giving it
Speaker 1: to other people. In fact, recently he gave it to
Speaker 1: gold of my ear and gold on my ear.
Speaker 2: Said, oh, my ear, my head, my eyes, she said everything.
Speaker 2: So she literally said her own name. Well she went
Speaker 2: gold in my ears, golden my eyes, gold on my nose.
Speaker 2: You could use that. So let's talk about the moon. Yes,
Speaker 2: you want to go up there? You're crazy cat.
Speaker 1: After Alan Shephard completed his orbit around the Earth, the
Speaker 1: first American to ever go into space, I decided to
Speaker 1: make a big swing and to say that's it, We're
Speaker 1: going to the moon.
Speaker 2: So I committed in a speech and said we're going
Speaker 2: to the moon. Well, that's crazy.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter to me whether we go there tomorrow,
Speaker 1: five years from now or ten years from now.
Speaker 2: We're going to go to the moon. And when we
Speaker 2: go to the moon, we're going to go on around unbelievable.
Speaker 1: But I promise you, and you know recently I saw
Speaker 1: a movie Spotacus. It was screened for me in the
Speaker 1: White House screening room when I built that movie Theitter
Speaker 1: and a lovely man named Stanley Kubrick.
Speaker 2: Director that. Oh I did that director? Yes? What other
Speaker 2: movies have you seen of his?
Speaker 1: M I saw the black and white one. Doctor Strangelove
Speaker 1: hasn't come out yet. I saw an excellent early cut
Speaker 1: at Doctor Strangelow. Oh yeah, me too. It's exciting. That
Speaker 1: movie is gonna be fun. I can't wait to live
Speaker 1: to see it.
Speaker 2: I think he's gonna make a lot of bread with
Speaker 2: that movie.
Speaker 1: Coming out in nineteen sixty four, and I'll tell you,
Speaker 1: I'll be there with a bucket of Khrushcheff's ash popcorn
Speaker 1: ready to go, gonna watch that whole thing, and I'll
Speaker 1: be fully alive for it.
Speaker 2: My head completely intact. I don't think you're gonna get it.
Speaker 2: I get it.
Speaker 1: I already get no, it's good. Well, I think the
Speaker 1: movie's gonna be making fun of you.
Speaker 2: I don't know, not. In that early cut they make
Speaker 2: fun of the generals, and I like being you're the
Speaker 2: square in the movie, my friend.
Speaker 1: Well, in Spotacus they free themselves from oppression, and I
Speaker 1: appreciate that too. But I told Stanley, Stanley, if you
Speaker 1: want to help us, we would love to make some
Speaker 1: propaganda films showing what it will be like when we
Speaker 1: go to the moon. Lazy and gentlemen, we've been having
Speaker 1: a lazier gentlemen. We've been having a lovely conversation with
Speaker 1: the comedian Leonard Bruce, and of.
Speaker 2: Course talking about our vision for the moon.
Speaker 1: But now let me bring on a beauty, a good
Speaker 1: friend of mine, someone I spend a lot of quality
Speaker 1: time with, and I have seen her on screen and
Speaker 1: stage and in person and in various hotel suites around
Speaker 1: the United States.
Speaker 2: And.
Speaker 1: I hope you'll join me in giving her a warm welcome. Please,
Speaker 1: And Lenny, try to put your tongue back in your mouth.
Speaker 1: I mean, she's gorgeous. Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn, stop it.
Speaker 2: Who is here? She is?
Speaker 1: It's beautiful to see you and It's a wonderful opportunity to.
Speaker 2: Talk with you about about all sorts of manner of issues.
Speaker 2: I know that what's happening. Why are you getting shad damn, Marylyn?
Speaker 1: That's no, I don't get all crazy like that, Marilyn.
Speaker 2: I called you Marylyn crazy.
Speaker 1: No, I didn't mean it. You're not crazy. You're not crazy, Lenny.
Speaker 1: You gotta get things back on the tracks here. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think you guys, it seems like you two have
Speaker 1: a history.
Speaker 2: No, this is the first time I'm meeting her. What
Speaker 2: are you talking about?
Speaker 1: All right, we've never met in person before, only on screen.
Speaker 3: Well, I kind of wish Bobby was here. What I
Speaker 3: wish Bobby was here?
Speaker 2: Why do you wish Bobby was here? Bobby's got nothing
Speaker 2: on me.
Speaker 3: He's maybe a little more qualified for the job.
Speaker 1: And also for me, I've never heard anything so offensive
Speaker 1: in my life, Right, Marilyn, what do you mean by that?
Speaker 1: We've had plenty of wonderful times going around spent talking
Speaker 1: with each other. Well, I've realized the truth is that
Speaker 1: I doubt Jackie will ever watch this.
Speaker 2: She doesn't watch broadcast television. The truth is.
Speaker 1: Now and and I have been having a long form
Speaker 1: affair for a number of years with each other.
Speaker 2: WHOA, don't blow your jets off here right now.
Speaker 1: I love her, I love her more than anything, and
Speaker 1: even the mafia has told me that if I don't
Speaker 1: leave her alone that they might kill her and then
Speaker 1: kill me. Well, how do you think Jackie O feels
Speaker 1: about this, Johnny?
Speaker 2: She's gonna hear this. Wait a minute, why are you
Speaker 2: calling her Jackie O? Because I don't know if you
Speaker 2: know this. She's been sleeping with somebody else. Wait a minute,
Speaker 2: she's been sleeping.
Speaker 1: With somebody telling me that she's been sleeping with someone
Speaker 1: else too?
Speaker 2: Who who she's been sleeping magnet? Who? Like someone from
Speaker 2: the mothership?
Speaker 1: Someone for the mothership, Mother's shipping magnet, a Greek guy.
Speaker 1: You mean that ship that we were on that was
Speaker 1: like the big ship, the mother Ship that was captain
Speaker 1: the Mothership captained by that guy whose nickname is Joe Logan.
Speaker 1: You're telling me that he's part of a shipping conglomerate
Speaker 1: that's run by a man whose last name begins with
Speaker 1: an oh, and he's sleeping with my wife. That's right,
Speaker 1: Well makes a lot of sense. I don't know why
Speaker 1: she'd take on his last name's initial, though, seems a
Speaker 1: little obvious. That would be like me calling myself Johnny Monroe.
Speaker 2: You two have been traveling together, is that right?
Speaker 1: Marilyn and I are traveling to the new Berlin walt
Speaker 1: entertain the troops that are stationed there to observe No,
Speaker 1: you canna tear it uh nowhere, letting.
Speaker 2: Them build it.
Speaker 1: And we're planning on entertaining them and spending time. She's
Speaker 1: going to be showing a little leg and I'm going
Speaker 1: to be giving a speech where I plan to announce
Speaker 1: that I am a donut in front of the West
Speaker 1: German people.
Speaker 3: I don't understand of showing leg.
Speaker 2: Well, it will help the boys.
Speaker 1: Marilyn and I will give a speech where I will
Speaker 1: say it being i' berlina, which means I am a
Speaker 1: donut in German.
Speaker 2: That's true, Yes, that you're a donut. I am a donut.
Speaker 3: And he fills with shit.
Speaker 2: Now, Marylyn, why would you say something like that?
Speaker 3: Why would you say something like the things you say
Speaker 3: to me?
Speaker 1: Why did I say that I want you to be
Speaker 1: my wife? But I can't. I can't pull the trigger.
Speaker 1: I can't get my nephew to kill Jackie oh my wife, Marylyn.
Speaker 3: You can't kiss me on camera. Maryland. You have to
Speaker 3: wear a dress to my birthday party. Marylyn, you can't
Speaker 3: confess on stage Maryland.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm sorry. Wait a minute, Maryland. Don't so many.
Speaker 1: Rules, Bobby, this is what I'm talking about, Johnnykennedy.
Speaker 2: I'm not allowed to say fuck. You know why, Marilyn.
Speaker 2: It's because they don't want me to say.
Speaker 3: Fuss because it reminds him.
Speaker 2: That's why. That's right. I call Marilyn the government. So
Speaker 2: when you call her the government, I call that's my
Speaker 2: pet name. Nobody wants the government, Nobody wants me. That's
Speaker 2: what I think you should. There's so many rules for
Speaker 2: all of us. Did you hear that what Marilyn said
Speaker 2: to you.
Speaker 3: I think you should say it money.
Speaker 2: I think the people have the government from then you
Speaker 2: stop that.
Speaker 1: Stop that right now, Marrily, what are you doing?
Speaker 2: Wait a minute?
Speaker 1: Whatever I want you? What are you doing that? You're
Speaker 1: not supposed to be talking to him like that. I'm
Speaker 1: supposed to be all love. Well, recently, I wanted to
Speaker 1: announce that I'm pretty upset with three different groups, and
Speaker 1: I want Maryland to witness this. I am upset with
Speaker 1: the nation of Israel for constructing a nuclear weapon that
Speaker 1: could destabilize the Middle East.
Speaker 2: I'm not into it, thank you, Marion. I give you.
Speaker 1: I also am very upset with the mafia. I'm not
Speaker 1: a fan of them trying to control my beautiful Maryland
Speaker 1: and keep her from here.
Speaker 3: You're getting one over on me, Okay. I know the
Speaker 3: mafia is just a couple of guys you hired to
Speaker 3: put on a trench coat and knock at my door
Speaker 3: and to say things like.
Speaker 4: No, keep it in your pants, Maryland, don't let the
Speaker 4: president come here.
Speaker 3: Why do you go to town? Oh, Maryland? Can we funnel
Speaker 3: drugs through your film set? I'm like, why does he
Speaker 3: keep making this up?
Speaker 1: It's all made up, Marl. And those are real threats,
Speaker 1: Those are real things happening. That's pushing strap it.
Speaker 4: To you that Italians came to this country and they
Speaker 4: organized to get secret things done instead of just enjoying
Speaker 4: food and lying around and being community builders and.
Speaker 3: Active parts of the community. You expect me to believe
Speaker 3: that they built the community in that way.
Speaker 2: I don't know when. Finally there's the Cubans.
Speaker 1: They're mad at me about the Bay of Pigs and
Speaker 1: they're gonna be even madder about the Cuban missile crisis
Speaker 1: when it comes.
Speaker 2: And I just want to say to.
Speaker 1: Those two groups, three groups, don't try to come for me.
Speaker 1: No matter what you do, don't try to come for me.
Speaker 1: I don't care if I'm riding around and open air
Speaker 1: convertible cars slowly down the streets of Dallas.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Marylyn, you make sure to let him know too.
Speaker 3: You don't want to aim for his head.
Speaker 5: Wow, he's his target on his body, and he's always
Speaker 5: over green. His mouth, you'll happen to notice is the
Speaker 5: perfect size for forty five or one of the shells
Speaker 5: from your machine guns or rifles. Look, if you want
Speaker 5: to hit him, go for the head.
Speaker 2: Wow. This is really something upsetting and offensive. I think
Speaker 2: she should be able to say, but.
Speaker 1: I defend her right, and you're right for free speech.
Speaker 1: And I look forward to seeing you for dinner later
Speaker 1: tonight at Rodolpho's married.
Speaker 3: Isn't Bobby on the call? And it's freakish.
Speaker 2: Because I don't want my brother.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but I'm not ready for us to have
Speaker 1: three way time with each other, because then I've got
Speaker 1: to do things with my brother.
Speaker 3: I don't want you there when I'm with Bobby. You
Speaker 3: have to take care of the freakish sun.
Speaker 1: Oh god, Marilyn, could you send us off with a
Speaker 1: little rendition of the star spangled banner?
Speaker 2: Oh say, can you see wow?
Speaker 3: Lean light?
Speaker 2: What's so dark?
Speaker 4: Crowdly we held Wow, Jack's last gleaming.
Speaker 2: Wad, it's so big. Thank you?
Speaker 3: Rifle first?
Speaker 4: Oh no, the red parts we watch, You're gonna want
Speaker 4: to balance your rifle.
Speaker 3: Lona gets the red glare. I mean Jack's brains bursting
Speaker 3: in the air.
Speaker 2: Wow, through the night.
Speaker 3: The Maryland's plans, We're there.
Speaker 2: That's pretty.
Speaker 3: Let's spangled ben? Oh my god? Does it right.
Speaker 4: For the Land of the Free and the Home of
Speaker 4: the brave?
Speaker 3: I wish you well.
Speaker 1: That was Marilyn Monroe joining us and predicting my death
Speaker 1: and has.
Speaker 2: I love that? But I think you're I think Jackie's
Speaker 2: gonna be really upset.
Speaker 1: Well, I think there's only one choice we have, Lenny,
Speaker 1: and that's to bury this episode.
Speaker 2: We definitely need to bury this episode. No one can
Speaker 2: see it.
Speaker 1: Well, Oh, I wanted to tell you something very interesting.
Speaker 1: We decide to do something that is social and involves media,
Speaker 1: and we have a man who's going to be in
Speaker 1: charge of it, whose last name is Brewdin.
Speaker 2: We hired him on.
Speaker 1: To run your social Well, it's media, it's social, it's
Speaker 1: for society. So it's broadcast media for society or social
Speaker 1: broadcast media.
Speaker 2: It's a way of sharing information between other people.
Speaker 1: And this pruda, who is an amateur, just another way
Speaker 1: for the government to fucking get in your fucking panties. Well,
Speaker 1: I don't wear panties, but I do, uh, and I don't.
Speaker 2: That's because the government won't let you wear panties.
Speaker 1: This is the type of edgy comedy I expect from
Speaker 1: someone like Lenny Bruce, who's really bringing it today.
Speaker 2: Don't you want? You don't want. You don't want to
Speaker 2: wear it. You're telling me you don't want to wear
Speaker 2: whatever the fuck you want to wear. I don't, well,
Speaker 2: I do wear whatever. They if you could wear anything,
Speaker 2: what would it be? Because you had a corn in
Speaker 2: your ass at the beginning of this episode, I was
Speaker 2: the one who made hot ass popcorn? Was Cruce Jess Bruce.
Speaker 1: Jeff shoved a con cob up his ass and it
Speaker 1: was so hot up in there it turned the kernels
Speaker 1: into popcorn.
Speaker 2: And then he shout out. Why would you? What's hot ass?
Speaker 2: What is hot ass mean? Hot ass? Hot ass? Like
Speaker 2: a hot ass? I don't understand. What does the letter
Speaker 2: stand ash ash hot ass? Yes, what does S stand?
Speaker 1: There's no ash hot it's your ass, it's your ass,
Speaker 1: your ears.
Speaker 2: I'm asking you what the S stands for? Yes, stands
Speaker 2: for nothing because it's two.
Speaker 1: S is after an a S hot ass butter and
Speaker 1: he made his own butter out of his ass put
Speaker 1: it on the popcorn?
Speaker 2: What okay? You won't tell me? That's fine, Lenny. This
Speaker 2: is because you guys try to just keep everything from us.
Speaker 1: Now, Lenny, I heard that you married a beautiful woman
Speaker 1: who wants to be the grandmother of a toxic young boy.
Speaker 2: Is this true?
Speaker 1: I did, Yeah, harlow, And that you plan on having
Speaker 1: a child and uh and that that child will have
Speaker 1: a child, and you've already picked the name Kyle for it.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes I have.
Speaker 1: I actually the pre cogs have been telling me that
Speaker 1: I'm going to have a grandson named Kyle.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Kyle Quim. Wow you already know his last name? Well?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we we just said that Jews decided the last
Speaker 1: name really early on. Well, can I just say that
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you an experimental. I find this
Speaker 1: will be interesting experiment. I'm going to mail you a
Speaker 1: drug that Bobby Jr. Has developed in his little boy lab.
Speaker 1: And it is a drug that makes anyone have no
Speaker 1: ability to craft a joke or have any form.
Speaker 2: Of sense of humor.
Speaker 1: And I want you to injected into your grandson and
Speaker 1: then we're going to see what happens to him as
Speaker 1: he grows up, and we'll be tracking him.
Speaker 2: All right, that sounds to me.
Speaker 1: I mean, I really don't trust government, you know, experiments,
Speaker 1: but I'll have to listen to you. I am your president,
Speaker 1: and I know you are not. Despite the fact that
Speaker 1: you don't believe in the government, I know you'll believe
Speaker 1: in me. Uh, you know, because you believe in crystal light.
Speaker 1: And if you believe in crystal light, then you'll believe
Speaker 1: in me like a tight piece of ass.
Speaker 2: Technology is a glittering lure, but there is.
Speaker 1: The rare occasion when the public might be engaged on
Speaker 1: a level beyond flash. If they have a sentimental bond
Speaker 1: with the product, maybe even they want to fuck it.
Speaker 1: My first job, I was in house at an American company
Speaker 1: with this old bushnitter Greek named Kelly. He was a
Speaker 1: Greek man named Kelly, and he told me ironically, a
Speaker 1: man named Kelly told me something. The most important idea
Speaker 1: in advertising was now, you know it creates an itch
Speaker 1: like crabs. Simply put your product in there as a
Speaker 1: kind of calamine lotion.
Speaker 2: Everyone knows you put calamine lotion on you. It's the
Speaker 2: open crotch. But he also talked about a deeper bond, nostalgia.
Speaker 1: It's delicate but potent, like a quivering rectum about to
Speaker 1: be touched. Telly told me that in Greek nostalgia literally
Speaker 1: means the pain from an old wound.
Speaker 2: This device is in a spaceship. It's a time machine.
Speaker 1: It goes backwards, forwards, sideways, up, down, all around, and
Speaker 1: that's how you do the hokey pokey. Takes us to
Speaker 1: a place where we ache to go again and again,
Speaker 1: and boy do we ache. It's not called the wheel,
Speaker 1: it's called the reach around. Let us travel the way
Speaker 1: a child travels around the round and back home to
Speaker 1: a place we know we're loved.
Speaker 2: And that's the ad for that Kodak wheel. Reach around. Whatever. Wow,
Speaker 2: that's beautiful. That made me cry. Well, thank you. It
Speaker 2: was incredible.
Speaker 1: Wow, Lenny, I finally moved you, and that makes me
Speaker 1: very impressed. And I want to thank you for taking
Speaker 1: the time here to share your brand of revolutionary humor.
Speaker 2: Do you want to say anything to the people, my
Speaker 2: fellow Americans.
Speaker 1: The preceding program will never be broadcast because of predictions
Speaker 1: of not only my death, but the death of Marilyn
Speaker 1: Monroe and my brother Bobby Kennedy. I have decided to
Speaker 1: dictate to executive order during the taping of this show.
Speaker 1: It declares that this cast from our part shall never
Speaker 1: be shown anywhere until at least sixty years after my demise,
Speaker 1: whenever that may be. But because I have now freedom
Speaker 1: to say what I want because it won't be broadcast,
Speaker 1: I want to say a few things to the American public. One,
Speaker 1: I'm fucking Marilyn Monroe and it's great. And I wish
Speaker 1: I could leave my wife because I.
Speaker 2: Don't love her.
Speaker 1: Also, my son John John is adult, even though he's
Speaker 1: a little boy and hasn't developed much of a personality yet.
Speaker 1: It's clear that the one who's got the star power
Speaker 1: is my nephew, Bobby Kennedy Jr. He's a throaty boy
Speaker 1: who likes to cut open little animals and feed you
Speaker 1: toilet water to fix your ills. And that's the kind
Speaker 1: of American I want to spend my time with. Also,
Speaker 1: I really believe that both my opposition to the Israeli
Speaker 1: nuclear weapon, my entanglements with the mafia in relationship to
Speaker 1: my relationships with organized labor, and my failed attempts to
Speaker 1: depot Rose Fidel Castro create a perfect storm of assassination
Speaker 1: and that not one, but probably all three groups, and
Speaker 1: then add the CIA in for good measure, are gonna
Speaker 1: do everything they can to.
Speaker 2: Pop my head open like a fucking balloon.
Speaker 1: And when they do, they'll bury the evidence and all
Speaker 1: that they'll create a series of red herring mister X,
Speaker 1: including my dear good friend Lee Harvey Oswald, who I've
Speaker 1: spent so much time with, having parties and spending time
Speaker 1: double dipping with other women with him. And he's a
Speaker 1: good man, and he's staunch anti Communist, even though we
Speaker 1: went to Russia and he also likes that Communist party.
Speaker 2: But that's neither here nor there.
Speaker 1: He's my best friend and I love him and he
Speaker 1: would never do anything to me.
Speaker 2: And it's definitely somebody else who will kill me and
Speaker 2: not Lee. Harvey Oswald