1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:14,360 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch 2 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy. My name is Kat I 3 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 1: am the host. If you are new to You Need Therapy, 4 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:24,439 Speaker 1: or especially couch Talks. Couch Talks is the bonus episode 5 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:28,639 Speaker 1: that comes out every single Wednesday where I answer questions 6 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,840 Speaker 1: that you guys send into me and you can send 7 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:35,200 Speaker 1: them to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. 8 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,760 Speaker 1: Now quick reminder that although I'm a therapist and this 9 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,239 Speaker 1: podcast is called You Need Therapy, this podcast does not 10 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:44,240 Speaker 1: serve as a substitute or a placement for actual mental 11 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:48,600 Speaker 1: health services, including therapy. So this week, I wanted to 12 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,720 Speaker 1: read an email that I got last week, and I 13 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,960 Speaker 1: want to start making it a practice to read some 14 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 1: of y'all's emails on couch Talks that aren't always questions. 15 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 1: So this is the inaugural episode of doing that. And 16 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,760 Speaker 1: I want to do that just because I think sometimes 17 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,200 Speaker 1: you guys have thoughtful things to say. Sometimes you guys 18 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 1: email about the same things, saying the same kind of things, 19 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,479 Speaker 1: and I think it's nice to be able to not 20 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,319 Speaker 1: be alone in what you're sending me and create a 21 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 1: bigger conversation. So the reason I want to start this 22 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 1: week specifically is one because I've been thinking about it 23 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,680 Speaker 1: for a while and too, I just feel like last 24 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:28,039 Speaker 1: week's episode from Monday needs a little bit more attention 25 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,520 Speaker 1: because it seems to be something that a lot of 26 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 1: people might want to hear or explore more. And if 27 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,200 Speaker 1: you haven't listened to it, it was about authenticity and 28 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:41,560 Speaker 1: how these days sometimes being authentic can feel performative. So 29 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,400 Speaker 1: let's start with the email and then we can go 30 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 1: from there. Hey, Kat, just wanted to give you two 31 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 1: thumbs up on your recent podcast and my quest for 32 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:51,760 Speaker 1: being my authentic self nearing forty and it's about day time. 33 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:55,160 Speaker 1: I find the pressures of social media or even social 34 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:59,640 Speaker 1: situations too d quotes keep it real all times the 35 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 1: very opposite of being true to myself. I appreciate when 36 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,120 Speaker 1: you said that you can still be your authentic self 37 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,240 Speaker 1: and that it may look differently in certain friends or 38 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,400 Speaker 1: social groups. The pressure we put on ourselves to dig 39 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 1: deep and try so hard to be authentic really defeats 40 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 1: the purpose. I just love your take on things and 41 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,520 Speaker 1: was encouraged and wanted you to know. Okay, so thank 42 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 1: you for that email. I like getting feedback from you 43 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,600 Speaker 1: guys that says that the episodes were helpful and something 44 00:02:27,639 --> 00:02:29,200 Speaker 1: you need to hear, because sometimes it does feel like 45 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,960 Speaker 1: I'm just like talking to myself. So thank you for 46 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:36,360 Speaker 1: that email, and yeah, what you're saying, the pressure of 47 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,760 Speaker 1: keeping it real and being authentic defeats the purpose being 48 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,160 Speaker 1: ourselves doesn't feel like pressure. It feels like freedom. So 49 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 1: in certain groups, I may show up differently, and that 50 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily mean by being a chameleon. I think that's 51 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,320 Speaker 1: in the past been this thing that people have used 52 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,760 Speaker 1: to say, Oh, they're they just show up this way 53 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,919 Speaker 1: with this person, this way, this person, this way, this person, 54 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,800 Speaker 1: And there's a time and a place to use that metaphor, 55 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,480 Speaker 1: but it doesn't always necessarily mean you're not being yourself. 56 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,440 Speaker 1: Showing up differently doesn't mean I'm being a chameleon and 57 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: I'm changing myself. It just means that certain areas of 58 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,120 Speaker 1: my life need certain parts of me to show up 59 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,799 Speaker 1: stronger and bigger, in certain areas of me to show 60 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,760 Speaker 1: up a little bit smaller. One of my favorite quotes 61 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 1: that I have no idea where I found this or 62 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,079 Speaker 1: who said it, but something that I saw somewhere because 63 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 1: I know this didn't come from my own brain was 64 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,800 Speaker 1: we don't have to work hard to be who we are. Rather, 65 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,960 Speaker 1: we have to work hard to stop trying to be 66 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,960 Speaker 1: the people that we think others want or expect us 67 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:35,080 Speaker 1: to be. For example, I'm a therapist. However I don't 68 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,000 Speaker 1: show up exactly the same at work as I do 69 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 1: with my friends. That would be weird and strange and 70 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,760 Speaker 1: for many reasons not great. But again, I'm still authentic 71 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 1: as a therapist, and I'm still authentic as a friend. 72 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 1: And none of these scenarios my trying to be someone 73 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 1: I'm not, or trying to be the kind of therapist 74 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: or friend that I think either my clients or my 75 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 1: friends want me to be. I'm just showing up as me, 76 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,600 Speaker 1: and those two roles need different parts of me to 77 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,240 Speaker 1: show up when people are showing up as chameleons. That 78 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,640 Speaker 1: to me is about actually like changing the bones of 79 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:05,800 Speaker 1: who you are. Like in one setting, you love to 80 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,640 Speaker 1: like drink and party and go out, but then like 81 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: at church, you hate going out. You don't curse ever, 82 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 1: and you like do Bible studies every morning, and you 83 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: like pretend you're this person that like does all these 84 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: things that are in quotes, right, now here's the thing. 85 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,919 Speaker 1: You can be someone who likes to go out, You 86 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,680 Speaker 1: can be somebody who likes to drink, you can be 87 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,760 Speaker 1: like somebody who likes to curse, and you can also 88 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:27,400 Speaker 1: be somebody that likes to go to church. However, you're 89 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,800 Speaker 1: probably not going to wear the same thing that you 90 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,640 Speaker 1: go out with your friends on a Saturday night to 91 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,400 Speaker 1: a bar to church the next day. I mean most 92 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 1: likely that's because you're dynamic, not fake. Fake would be 93 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,120 Speaker 1: denying that you enjoy going now because you want to 94 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: fit in. Does this make sense? I hope this is 95 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:46,120 Speaker 1: all making sense to you. Guys. Whenever you get confused, 96 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,719 Speaker 1: you can always come back to this. Though. You don't 97 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,960 Speaker 1: have to work hard to be who you are. That's 98 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,839 Speaker 1: our natural state. What is hard is shedding the parts 99 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,680 Speaker 1: of you that you pick up because somewhere you got 100 00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,360 Speaker 1: the message that you as you are isn't right, doesn't 101 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:03,559 Speaker 1: fit in, or doesn't belong. And there's a difference between 102 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,719 Speaker 1: fitting and belonging. The truth is we can make ourselves 103 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,360 Speaker 1: fit in anywhere, and we don't belong everywhere, which is 104 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,560 Speaker 1: not a bad thing. Belonging is that I just show 105 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,039 Speaker 1: up and I'm me and that's enough, and that's where 106 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,760 Speaker 1: you get to like actually just like be yourself, and 107 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,279 Speaker 1: you get to have that freedom. You can belong in 108 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 1: a bunch of different places. However, you're not going to 109 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,479 Speaker 1: belong everywhere. You can fit in anywhere you want to 110 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 1: change yourself and and assimilate and accommodate to meet the 111 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:36,560 Speaker 1: needs of the group and expectations of that group. So 112 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: I think part of this whole conversation is am I 113 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,839 Speaker 1: trying to fit in? Or am I trying to belong? 114 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 1: And based on the answer to that question, you might 115 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 1: find it easier to actually just show up as authentic. 116 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,800 Speaker 1: And I really do want to hammer home here this 117 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 1: idea that it's really okay for you to not always 118 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:58,159 Speaker 1: be a hundred percent every single part of you showing 119 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,160 Speaker 1: and shining in in all of that everywhere you go. 120 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,159 Speaker 1: The idea that we are dynamic people and we have 121 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,720 Speaker 1: different layers to us, and not everybody gets to see 122 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,839 Speaker 1: the same layer. I think it's really important. My colleagues 123 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,599 Speaker 1: are not going to see the same layer that my 124 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 1: family sees. My family is not going to see the 125 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,200 Speaker 1: same layer that maybe my best friend is going to see. 126 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:22,159 Speaker 1: And that's okay. That doesn't mean I'm like being fake 127 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 1: with my family. It means that they get to see 128 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 1: a certain side of me, and that's okay. And I 129 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: want to remind you guys, in kind of wrapping this 130 00:06:30,279 --> 00:06:33,680 Speaker 1: all up, that keeping it real at all times does 131 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,799 Speaker 1: not mean keeping it transparent at all times. You don't 132 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:41,680 Speaker 1: have to show every single ounce of you to actually 133 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,279 Speaker 1: show you. Not everybody deserves to have every ounce of 134 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,960 Speaker 1: you and every like I said, layer of you. So 135 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,400 Speaker 1: when you start to feel the pressure to show up 136 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 1: as more raw, or more real or more whatever, ask yourself, 137 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,279 Speaker 1: is this pressure coming from an expectation that the outside 138 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 1: world might be putting on me? Or is this pressure 139 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,640 Speaker 1: coming from the inside of me that wants to actually 140 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,039 Speaker 1: be able to show more of who I am in 141 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,479 Speaker 1: this setting that I'm in. So let this just be 142 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 1: a reminder that you don't have to put an effort 143 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,440 Speaker 1: to be you. It's just a thing that happens. The 144 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,880 Speaker 1: effort to push through the fear of not being liked 145 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,400 Speaker 1: might be hard, but being yourself isn't a skill you developed, 146 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 1: It's a right you have. I always ask people what's 147 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 1: worse being rejected by someone else or rejecting yourself and 148 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,760 Speaker 1: not even getting a chance to be seen. And you 149 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 1: don't have to answer this question right away. It might 150 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,440 Speaker 1: be something you want to sit with, it might be 151 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: something that you want to continue to do some research on. 152 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 1: Really question, what does it feel like to be with 153 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:37,480 Speaker 1: this group? What does it feel like to be with 154 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 1: this group? Am I trying to perform? Am I trying 155 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 1: to show up as authentic? Or am I just trying 156 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,360 Speaker 1: to be authentic? Because the other thing we have to 157 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:47,240 Speaker 1: remember is somebody showing up as authentic for them is 158 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 1: going to look different than me showing up as authentic. 159 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 1: And that's okay, That's totally okay. So thank you for 160 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 1: the email. Again, we still keep these emails anonymous, so 161 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,840 Speaker 1: I'm not going to read the people's names that send 162 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,720 Speaker 1: them in. And if you have a question or anything 163 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,120 Speaker 1: that you would like to send to me, you can 164 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,800 Speaker 1: send that to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. 165 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,080 Speaker 1: If you want to follow me or the podcast, you 166 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,400 Speaker 1: can do that. You can follow me on Instagram at 167 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 1: Cat dot de fata, and you can follow the podcast 168 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:20,120 Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy Podcast. And that does it for me. Today. 169 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,520 Speaker 1: I have a really fun episode for you guys on 170 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,600 Speaker 1: Monday I am very excited. It's one of my best 171 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:28,000 Speaker 1: friends on with me, so you get another side of me, 172 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: speaking of all of the layers. So I hope you 173 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,440 Speaker 1: have the week you need to have, the day you 174 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:35,199 Speaker 1: need to have, and I will talk to you guys 175 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 1: on Monday.