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Speaker 1: Pushkin. Last time on the Happiness Lab, we brought you

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Speaker 1: the story of listener Rebecca Kuduru. Rebecca was involved in

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Speaker 1: an awful car accident while living in Uganda.

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Speaker 2: As my husband tried to swer our car ended up

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Speaker 2: rolling probably seven or eight times and landed in a tree.

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Speaker 1: And when she came to a few hours later, her

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Speaker 1: face was smashed beyond recognition.

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Speaker 2: I had broken my nose, I had broken my jaw,

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Speaker 2: and I had shattered both my eye socket, the external

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Speaker 2: part and the internal part.

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Speaker 1: Her recovery was difficult and painful, with lots of setbacks

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Speaker 1: and disappointments.

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Speaker 2: There was something very weird happening with my left eye

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Speaker 2: where it really looked like it was kind of sunken.

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Speaker 1: Back back in the US and in between reconstructive surgeries,

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Speaker 1: Rebecca began listening to The Happiness Lab while taking her

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Speaker 1: daily walk. One day, she heard our episode with an

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Speaker 1: army veteran JR. Martinez, who was badly burned while serving

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Speaker 1: in Iraq.

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Speaker 3: I look at myself and I'm like, that's not cute

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Speaker 3: what I see in the mirror. The old Jr.

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Speaker 4: Had died.

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Speaker 1: His words had an immediate impact.

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Speaker 2: Tears just burst out of my eyes and I like

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Speaker 2: collapsed onto my knees on the sidewalk.

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Speaker 1: If you haven't yet listened to the episode telling Rebecca's

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Speaker 1: story and bringing her together with JR.

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Speaker 3: What's that Rebecca, I'm so excited to meet you.

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Speaker 1: I'd urge you to go back and check it out

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Speaker 1: what is up? But today I want to give you

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Speaker 1: a chance to hear the episode that so touched Rebecca.

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Speaker 1: It's one of my favorite of the many shows we've made.

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Speaker 1: It's all about the psychological immune system, which gives humans

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Speaker 1: the resilience to overcome adversity. Unfortunately, just as bad things

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Speaker 1: don't hurt us as deeply or as permanently as we fear,

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Speaker 1: the satisfaction we get from the good things also fades

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Speaker 1: faster than we'd like. It's a key well being concept

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Speaker 1: and it's all explained in this episode. So get ready,

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Speaker 1: it's quite a ride. It was the worst thing that

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Speaker 1: ever happened to me. These were the words uttered by

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Speaker 1: Billy Bob Harrold Junior, a man whose life had been

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Speaker 1: unremarkable before a fateful event that ruined everything. On June

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Speaker 1: twenty eighth, nineteen ninety seven. Before that worst thing ever

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Speaker 1: event occurred, Billy Bob was a relatively happy, middle aged Texan.

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Speaker 1: He was a religious family man who cared deeply about

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Speaker 1: his parents, his wife, Barber Jane, and their three children.

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Speaker 1: Billy Bob worked at the local home depot, stocking shelves

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Speaker 1: with electrical equipment. It wasn't the most lucrative career, but

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Speaker 1: Billy Bob and his wife found ways to make ends

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Speaker 1: me His life, by all accounts, was relatively blessed, but

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Speaker 1: one hot summer evening everything changed. Within months, his marriage

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Speaker 1: had fallen apart. His beloved Barbergine filed for divorce. Billy

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Speaker 1: Bob tried dating younger woman, but still felt terrible. He

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Speaker 1: lost almost fifty pounds, making him look sickly and gaunt.

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Speaker 1: His children would later say that his personality completely changed.

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Speaker 1: He switched from the happy dad they knew into a moody, depressive.

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Speaker 1: In May of nineteen ninety nine, less than two years

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Speaker 1: after that incident which I've not yet named, Billy Bob

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Speaker 1: couldn't take it anymore. He locked himself in his master

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Speaker 1: bedroom and took his own life. So what was that

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Speaker 1: worst thing ever occurrence? That awful event that destroyed Billy

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Speaker 1: Bob's family and his entire life. It was this Billy

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Speaker 1: Bob won the Lotto Texas Jackboon.

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Speaker 4: Good evening and welcome to the official Lotto Texas draw.

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Speaker 1: In a split second, he was thirty one million dollars richer.

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Speaker 1: Now that probably wasn't the kind of worst ever event

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Speaker 1: you are imagining. When we think of tragedies, we imagine

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Speaker 1: the death of a family member, some disfiguring car crash,

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Speaker 1: or total financial ruin. What Billy Bob experience is actually

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Speaker 1: something many of us yearn for. He became a multi

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Speaker 1: millionaire overnight. He was suddenly rich, beyond his wildest dreams,

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Speaker 1: wealthy enough to quit his job and to buy whatever

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Speaker 1: he and his family needed for the rest of their lives.

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Speaker 1: But the wonderful fortune he literally prayed for this certainly

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Speaker 1: didn't make him as happy as he expected. I bet

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Speaker 1: you think that wouldn't be the case for you. Most

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Speaker 1: of us are convinced that making tons of money would

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Speaker 1: feel good, But as it turns out, we're probably wrong,

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Speaker 1: and not just about money. Research shows that we suck

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Speaker 1: at predicting what will make us happy, generally, both when

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Speaker 1: we're imagining how we'll feel when we get what we want.

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Speaker 1: The good stuff like hitting the jackpot, getting the perfect job,

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Speaker 1: being accepted to our dream school, but also when we

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Speaker 1: envisioned some of the worst events a person could possibly endure.

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Speaker 1: Why are we so bad at making these predictions? What's

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Speaker 1: going wrong? Our minds are constantly telling us what to

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Speaker 1: do to be happy. But what if our minds are wrong?

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Speaker 1: What if our minds are lying to us, leading us

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Speaker 1: away from what will really make us happy. The good

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Speaker 1: news is that understanding the science of the mind can

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Speaker 1: point us all back in the right direction. You're listening

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Speaker 1: to the Happiness Lab with doctor Laurie Santos.

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Speaker 4: If you have an enemy, go buy them a lottery ticket,

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Speaker 4: because on the off chance that they win, their life

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Speaker 4: is going to be really messed up.

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Speaker 1: I'm speaking with Clay Cockrell. He knows that the misery

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Speaker 1: Billy Bob experienced after winning the lottery wasn't a one off.

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Speaker 1: Clay's a clinical social worker and psychotherapist. His business address

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Speaker 1: is up near Columbus Circle in New York City, but

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Speaker 1: more often than not he can be found in Central

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Speaker 1: Park or on the banks of the Hudson River.

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Speaker 4: I do something unusual in that I walk with my

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Speaker 4: clients instead of meeting in an office, walk and talk.

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Speaker 4: I think better on my feet.

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Speaker 1: His methods as a psychotherapist or novel But Clay also

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Speaker 1: works with a rather particular clientele.

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Speaker 4: About ten years ago, I started working with the super wealthy,

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Speaker 4: people in the one percent of the one percent. Somehow

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Speaker 4: my name got passed around this very small world as

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Speaker 4: someone who doesn't bring judgment. So if you're struggling with

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Speaker 4: I can't find a place to park my yacht, I

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Speaker 4: have no judgment about that. I'm going to help you.

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Speaker 4: Your problem is as real as someone else's.

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Speaker 1: Clay finds that providing counsel to the richest of the

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Speaker 1: rich generates a certain amount of hostility from the other

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Speaker 1: ninety nine point nine nine percent, who think the mega

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Speaker 1: wealthy have it pretty good. Being anxious about yacht parking

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Speaker 1: doesn't play well with well with most people.

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Speaker 4: Honestly, the general public. When they find out what I do,

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Speaker 4: they don't have a lot of empathy because they bought

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Speaker 4: into this idea that they have a certain amount of

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Speaker 4: problems that are related to money, and they have this

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Speaker 4: belief that if I have money, my problems will go away.

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Speaker 4: But when they find out that there's somebody out there

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Speaker 4: that has a lot of money and they still have problems.

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Speaker 4: It busts that fantasy. So this thing that they're working toward,

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Speaker 4: I just need a little bit more money is going

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Speaker 4: to solve my problems. It really challenges that belief system.

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Speaker 1: Clay's right that most people believe they just need a

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Speaker 1: little bit more income for their troubles to end. One

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Speaker 1: study asks people, how much money would you really need

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Speaker 1: to be happy? What's an income level that, if you

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Speaker 1: got it, you wouldn't need any more. People who are

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Speaker 1: currently earning thirty thousand dollars a year say they'd need

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Speaker 1: fifty k to be happier, which makes sense, But duke

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Speaker 1: folks who actually earn fifty K think that was all

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Speaker 1: that's needed. Not really. People earning twice that much one

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Speaker 1: hundred thousand dollars said they need a salary of two

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Speaker 1: hundred and fifty k to truly be happy.

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Speaker 4: This myth more money equals happiness. So I just got

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Speaker 4: to get some more. I'll get there. I just got

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Speaker 4: to get some more.

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Speaker 1: We've all heard that money can't buy you happiness, but

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Speaker 1: is that really true? Two Nobel Prize winning scientists Danny

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Speaker 1: Konnoman and Angus Dean teamed up to find out. They

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Speaker 1: tested how annual salary in the US today affects three

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Speaker 1: different measures of well being. What did they find Well,

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Speaker 1: it turns out that income does affect well being for

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Speaker 1: people at lower salary levels. If you are in ten

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Speaker 1: or twenty thousand dollars, then earning more will make you

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Speaker 1: feel less stressed and happier. But that effect of income

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Speaker 1: on well being starts to level off, and it does

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Speaker 1: so really quickly. Based on their.

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Speaker 4: Estimate, it is much better to earn seventy thousand than

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Speaker 4: forty thousand. Life is a lot different, but it's not

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Speaker 4: a lot different from seventy thousand to one hundred and

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Speaker 4: fifty or two fifty.

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Speaker 1: Connoment and Dean found that once you're earning an annual

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Speaker 1: income of seventy five thousand dollars, getting more doesn't help.

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Speaker 1: You don't get less stressed or happier. Your well being

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Speaker 1: just flat lines, even if you double or even quadruple

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Speaker 1: your salary. That's what the data suggests, but it's definitely

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Speaker 1: not what most of us believe.

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Speaker 4: When I first got out of grad school, I made

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Speaker 4: fourteen thousand dollars a year, and I was Wow, this

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Speaker 4: is amazing. So you begin to think, Okay, there's a

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Speaker 4: correlation here. More money equals a better life, and that

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Speaker 4: keeps working until you get to around seventy five eighty

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Speaker 4: thousand dollars and your basic needs are met. But you've

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Speaker 4: learned a lesson. More money incrementally is going to make

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Speaker 4: you happier and your life easier. But you start getting

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Speaker 4: more and more money and more and more money, and

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Speaker 4: it's not working like it used to when I went

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Speaker 4: from fourteen to thirty five. I just need to work

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Speaker 4: a little harder and get up to two fifty.

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Speaker 1: Our intuition that more money equals more happiness means we

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Speaker 1: don't realize the host of problems that come with being

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Speaker 1: incredibly rich. He has seen these problems firsthand in his

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Speaker 1: many clients.

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Speaker 4: They struggle, they're not sleeping at night, they don't have

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Speaker 4: good relationships.

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Speaker 1: One of the most common problems class is guilt. The

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Speaker 1: wealthy also buy into the idea that money brings happiness.

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Speaker 1: That cognitive dissonance of being so rich yet so sad

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Speaker 1: can pitch them into emotional turmoil.

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Speaker 4: My life isn't perfect, but it should be. I shouldn't complain.

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Speaker 4: I shouldn't seek psychotherapy to help me deal with my

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Speaker 4: problems because I really shouldn't have them.

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Speaker 1: And like Billy Bob Harrell after hitting the jackpot, the

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Speaker 1: rich often struggle in their close relations.

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Speaker 4: It's hard to trust because they've been burned a lot,

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Speaker 4: particularly in romantic relationships. And then you get into prenuptial

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Speaker 4: agreements and are you only getting into this relationship because

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Speaker 4: I'm going to buy you nice things?

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Speaker 1: Even casual friendships can be hard to maintain.

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Speaker 4: They call it the one percent for a reason. There's

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Speaker 4: not a lot of people out there that have this

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Speaker 4: kind of money, so a majority of the population and

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Speaker 4: on a fundamental level, you're not going to be able

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Speaker 4: to relate to. There's a lot of isolation. Are you

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Speaker 4: being my friend because of my bank account? If we

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Speaker 4: go out to lunch, am I just expected to pick

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Speaker 4: up the tab? When you're talking about your weekend. I

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Speaker 4: had this one client that got to be friends at

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Speaker 4: the local gym. They were talking about their weekend that

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Speaker 4: they went out with their wives, and that weekend he

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Speaker 4: just happened to have taken his private jet to Paris

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Speaker 4: to try out this new restaurant. So how do you

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Speaker 4: talk about that without it feel like you're rubbing your

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Speaker 4: wealth in someone's face.

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Speaker 1: But the biggest problem class is that the rich feel trapped.

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Speaker 1: For most problems we encounter in life, they are painful

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Speaker 1: but culturally acceptable solutions. If you're in a bad relationship,

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Speaker 1: you can pack your bags and leave. You hate your job,

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Speaker 1: so quit, But if you're loaded and miserable about it, you're.

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Speaker 4: Not going to give it away. You're too attached to it.

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Speaker 4: It gives too much freedom, so you're trapped the golden handcuffs.

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Speaker 4: So I have a lot of people who say I

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Speaker 4: can't get rid of it because it's amazing, it's great,

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Speaker 4: but God, there's so much unhappiness and isolation and guilt

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Speaker 4: that comes along with having this.

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Speaker 1: Ironically, the rich then fall prey to the same bias

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Speaker 1: we do. Maybe the problem isn't the money. Maybe it's

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Speaker 1: just that they need a little bit more.

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Speaker 4: I've worked with people who've had fifty million dollars and

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Speaker 4: they say, yeah, but I really I can't do everything

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Speaker 4: that I want. There's this wonderful painting that would really

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Speaker 4: eat into my savings. This one guy had five hundred

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Speaker 4: million dollars but had a sense that once I hit

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Speaker 4: that billion, that's when things really change and you think

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Speaker 4: that's that's crazy. You have more money than you could

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Speaker 4: possibly spend, but they're searching for happiness, and people don't

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Speaker 4: believe me, and I understand it's hard. It was hard

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Speaker 4: for me to think that, But after living in this world,

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Speaker 4: working with these people, I understand money is not going

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Speaker 4: to buy you happiness. So be careful what you wish for.

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Speaker 1: Be careful what you wish for. That's a warning many

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Speaker 1: of us have heard before, but it fits with a

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Speaker 1: growing body of research showing that nearly every amazing thing

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Speaker 1: in life, from tons of money to an amazing house

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Speaker 1: to the perfect grades, those things simply won't make us

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Speaker 1: as happy as we predict they will.

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Speaker 5: Almost all of us believe that we would be happy

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Speaker 5: if we could just get what we want, and the

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Speaker 5: only impediment to our happiness is that we can't always

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Speaker 5: get what we want.

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Speaker 1: This is Dan Gilbert. He wrote one of my favorite

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Speaker 1: books on human psychology. It's called Stumbling on Happiness.

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Speaker 5: It turns out that when people get exactly what they want,

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Speaker 5: they're not always happy. When they get the opposite of

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Speaker 5: what they wanted, they often are. That's a little bit

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Speaker 5: of a mystery it's kind of mystery that attracts psychologists.

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Speaker 1: This puzzle, as Dan's research over the last two decades

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Speaker 1: has shown, stems from one of our most exceptional cognitive facultyties,

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Speaker 1: our unique ability to run mental simulations of the future.

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Speaker 5: This is a brand new faculty that it's wired into

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Speaker 5: the human brain. No other animal can do anything vaguely

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Speaker 5: like it. No chimpanzee has ever thought about whether it's

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Speaker 5: going to look good in a bathing suit when it retires.

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Speaker 5: But these brand new abilities are still in beta testing.

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Speaker 5: In a sense, we have an ability you might call

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Speaker 5: prospection one point oh, and it's still being worked on,

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Speaker 5: so it's got bugs.

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Speaker 1: One of the bugs in prospection one point oh. That

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Speaker 1: ability we have to plan for the future is that

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Speaker 1: your brain can't simulate all the parts of a given event.

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Speaker 5: When you're imagining things unfolding over time, you can't imagine

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Speaker 5: them unfolding in real time?

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Speaker 6: Can you.

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Speaker 5: If you could, then somebody would say, imagine moving to Chicago,

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Speaker 5: and you'd have to spend four months imagining moving to Chicago.

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Speaker 5: That's how long it actually takes. So one of the

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Speaker 5: wonderful things about simulation is that it gives you a

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Speaker 5: quick sketch, and then it runs at at hyper speed.

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Speaker 5: But that's also one of its flaws, because a quick

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Speaker 5: sketch often lacks important detail, and when things run at

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Speaker 5: hyper speed, they run right over the details that often matter.

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Speaker 1: We miss the critical details of almost any good event

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Speaker 1: we try to simulate. But let's look in more detail

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Speaker 1: at the example we started with earlier, getting rich beyond

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Speaker 1: our wildest dreams. What kinds of details do you say

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Speaker 1: lottery players miss when they think about winning all that cash.

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Speaker 5: You close your eyes and imagine winning the lottery. Most

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Speaker 5: of us imagine ourselves in a bathtub full of money,

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Speaker 5: or on a yacht, or quitting our job, buying a

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Speaker 5: big house, all the things we can get with money.

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Speaker 5: You're not thinking about all the things you're going to lose.

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Speaker 5: It's very unlikely you're going to continue all the same

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Speaker 5: social relationships you have with people who need money but

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Speaker 5: don't have any. You're underestimating the number of people in

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Speaker 5: relatives that will come out of the woodwork begging you

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Speaker 5: to help them over and over. You'll fail to realize

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Speaker 5: that the social groups to which you would low like

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Speaker 5: to belong don't want to have anything to do with

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Speaker 5: you because you got your money the wrong way, on

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Speaker 5: and on and on. None of that is in our

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Speaker 5: mental simulation of the fe.

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Speaker 1: Dan has shown there's a nasty consequence to missing these

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Speaker 1: important details. It means our emotional predictions of how these

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Speaker 1: events will feel are way off track.

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Speaker 5: Would you rather have a weekend in Paris or gum

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Speaker 5: surgery is kind of a one item IQ test, and

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Speaker 5: almost everybody gets that right. What they don't realize is

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Speaker 5: that the weekend in Paris won't be as good as

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Speaker 5: they think it will be, and the good feelings won't

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Speaker 5: last as long as they expect. The same is true,

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Speaker 5: thankfully for the gum surgery.

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Speaker 1: These tumorous predictions. Being wrong about how intense an event

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Speaker 1: will feel and how long will feel that way is

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Speaker 1: what Dan has christened impact bias. In one famous study,

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Speaker 1: he asked young professors at the University of Texas to

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Speaker 1: forecast how they'd feel when they got tenure, that permanent

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Speaker 1: position that all new faculty crave. Dan tested people's predictions

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Speaker 1: using a seven point happiness scale. Most professors thought they'd

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Speaker 1: be really happy if they got tenure, around a six

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Speaker 1: out of seven on that scale, But how did professors

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Speaker 1: actually feel when they heard good news, they reported only

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Speaker 1: being a five out of seven. Dan also tested what

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Speaker 1: happened to professors who got bad news, the ones who

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Speaker 1: found out they didn't get tenure. They assumed they'd be

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Speaker 1: a three point four out of seven on that happiness scale,

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Speaker 1: but in reality, actual professors who got denied tenure were

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Speaker 1: only a four point seven on average. They felt a

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Speaker 1: whole point better than anyone expected. I see a similar

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Speaker 1: misprediction all the time in my college students. At Yale.

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Speaker 1: Students are convinced they'll be ecstatic if they get a

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Speaker 1: good grade, and are sure they'll feel devastated if they

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Speaker 1: do badly. Psychologists have now seen the same pattern in

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Speaker 1: many walks of life. Lovers predict they'll take a long

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Speaker 1: time to recover from a sad breakup, but bounce back

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Speaker 1: far quicker. Student drivers believe they'll be devastated if they

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Speaker 1: fail to get their license, but aren't as sad walking

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Speaker 1: out of the DMV empty handed as they think. The

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Speaker 1: same is true for job applicants who are passed over,

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Speaker 1: and even patients guessing how they'll feel about a pause

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Speaker 1: or negative HIV diagnosis quit simply.

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Speaker 5: The good things won't be as good. The bad things

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Speaker 5: won't be as bad as your mind leads you to believe.

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Speaker 1: Dan has shown that this pattern stems from yet another

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Speaker 1: way our minds lie to us. We don't notice that

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Speaker 1: we have a tendency to get used to stuff. Even

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Speaker 1: when something feels amazing at first, we can't enjoy it forever.

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Speaker 1: This is a phenomenon the psychologists call hedonic adaptation.

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Speaker 5: You can't be really, really happy endlessly all the time,

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Speaker 5: or your emotional system isn't doing its job. It has

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Speaker 5: to come back to baseline so it can once again

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Speaker 5: guide you to the next good thing that you, as

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Speaker 5: an organism ought to be doing.

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Speaker 1: Hedonic adaptation means that after a while, we tend to

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Speaker 1: go back to a baseline level of emotional satisfaction. My

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Speaker 1: students are happy for a while after getting a perfect grade.

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Speaker 1: For a couple of hours, they might be as seven

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Speaker 1: out of nine, but after a day or so they

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Speaker 1: just go back to their usual set point level of happiness.

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Speaker 1: The good and bad events don't move us up or

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Speaker 1: down for as long as we think.

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Speaker 5: So it's just a hard and fast truth that you

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Speaker 5: can't stay at ten forever and ever and ever. People

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Speaker 5: mistakenly think they can. They think happiness is a place

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Speaker 5: that if they could get to it, they could build

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Speaker 5: a house and live there their entire lives. It's only

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Speaker 5: a vacation destination. It's a place you can visit more

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Speaker 5: and more often if you do the right things, and

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Speaker 5: you can stay longer and longer, but you can't stay forever.

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Speaker 5: This is an important thing to know because people often

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Speaker 5: feel that if their happiness has come back to baseline

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Speaker 5: after something wonderful has happened, something's wrong. Why didn't this marriage,

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Speaker 5: this child, this promotion give me the eternal happiness I

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Speaker 5: was seeking, Because there is no such thing as eternal happiness.

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Speaker 1: So happily ever after is just not psychologically realizable.

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Speaker 5: Happily ever after is only true if you have three

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Speaker 5: minutes to live.

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Speaker 1: But this process also has an important upside. We get

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Speaker 1: used to all the bad stuff too, horrible breakup, the

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Speaker 1: chronic illness, that worst job with the lower salary. As

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Speaker 1: we hedonically adapt to these things, they gradually start to

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Speaker 1: distress us less and less. The problem is we don't realize.

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Speaker 6: It, despite the fact that two months prior, I was

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Speaker 6: sitting in my bed crying my eyes out like wishing

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Speaker 6: I would die. It just shows that like life goes on,

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Speaker 6: it's not the end of the world.

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Speaker 1: The Happiness Lab will be back in a moment.

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Speaker 6: Basically, I remember I was on Tender because all these

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Speaker 6: great stories throned on Tender.

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Speaker 1: Rafaela Guns is telling me how she met the man

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Speaker 1: of her dreams.

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Speaker 6: A super beautiful, beautiful guy, blue eyes, full lips.

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Speaker 1: And how he changed her life forever.

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Speaker 6: I really liked him, I was so in him.

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Speaker 1: After chatting with him for a while on Tinder, rafael

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Speaker 1: agreed to a first date, something really low key. The

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Speaker 1: couple just walked around getting to know each other. They

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Speaker 1: didn't even kiss, but things picked up after that.

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Speaker 6: We were hanging out for hours and hours, and we

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Speaker 6: decided to go back up to my neighborhood so we

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Speaker 6: could sit by the river, by the Hudson River because

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Speaker 6: it's like super pretty to just wash the sunset over there.

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Speaker 6: And we ended up having sex. And I thought I

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Speaker 6: did everything right, like I carried condoms around in my mind.

400
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Speaker 6: I was doing everything right.

401
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Speaker 1: But Rafaela was about to hear the sort of news

402
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Speaker 1: that nobody wants to hear.

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Speaker 6: The next day, he sort of came down with what

404
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Speaker 6: he thought was like a cold or something. He had

405
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Speaker 6: like a sore throat and he was feeling very fatigued.

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Speaker 6: And then a couple days later, I started coming down

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Speaker 6: the same thing.

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Speaker 1: Her beautiful boy with the blue eyes was the first

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Speaker 1: to seek medical advice. He sent a text.

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Speaker 6: I went to the doctor and they think, all this

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Speaker 6: might be a sign of her fees and so like

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Speaker 6: that was a weird text message. So I go into

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Speaker 6: urgent care crying and I'm like, I need a herpes death.

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Speaker 1: Rafaela got her official diagnosis soon after.

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Speaker 6: Those first few days. I remember I was just sitting

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Speaker 6: in bed crying. You know what I like thought my

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Speaker 6: life was, Oh I wanted to die. It was the

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Speaker 6: worst thing in the world. Like, not only was I

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Speaker 6: like physically uncomfortable, but how am I going to date someone?

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Speaker 6: How's anyone going to love me?

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Speaker 1: In addition to being in physical pain with red bumps

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Speaker 1: on her genitals, she was also in emotional pain. Her

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Speaker 1: dream guy dropped her in a flash.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, he was like, oh this changed my vibe on you.

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Speaker 6: He was like very very distant. I thought like, okay,

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Speaker 6: we both have this thing, like we can go through

427
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Speaker 6: it together, and sort of like learn about it together

428
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Speaker 6: and figure us out together. But he was very much

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Speaker 6: sort of like in it for himself. I felt sort

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Speaker 6: of I don't know if betrayed the white word, but

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Speaker 6: that's the word that was coming to my mind.

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Speaker 1: Rafaela didn't only feel betrayed by the man who gave

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Speaker 1: her herpes and disappeared. Her diagnosis also freaked out the

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Speaker 1: people closest to her.

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Speaker 6: She was like one of my own as friends. But

436
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Speaker 6: then when I confided in her, when I'm like sitting

437
00:23:12,996 --> 00:23:14,676
Speaker 6: on my diack crying because I have all these itchy

438
00:23:14,716 --> 00:23:17,436
Speaker 6: red bumps and you know, the guy is ignoring me.

439
00:23:17,556 --> 00:23:21,756
Speaker 6: Now things changed, She's like, I just think, you know,

440
00:23:21,756 --> 00:23:23,916
Speaker 6: it would be better for my own sanity if you

441
00:23:24,036 --> 00:23:27,236
Speaker 6: use toilet seat covers when you were here, and you know,

442
00:23:27,356 --> 00:23:30,516
Speaker 6: if you use hand sanitizer a lot, and this and that.

443
00:23:30,876 --> 00:23:32,636
Speaker 6: So that was really hurtful.

444
00:23:32,916 --> 00:23:34,996
Speaker 1: I mean, this was one of your oldest friends.

445
00:23:35,076 --> 00:23:38,436
Speaker 6: Yeah, this was someone I've known since we were in Diverse.

446
00:23:38,916 --> 00:23:40,476
Speaker 7: And she's not supporting you for one of them.

447
00:23:40,516 --> 00:23:41,356
Speaker 1: It sounds like one of the.

448
00:23:41,316 --> 00:23:44,556
Speaker 6: Most scary times in my life. Yeah, it just sounds awful.

449
00:23:44,556 --> 00:23:45,756
Speaker 6: And so that was horrible.

450
00:23:46,476 --> 00:23:49,076
Speaker 1: Let's take a second to predict how you would feel

451
00:23:49,116 --> 00:23:54,316
Speaker 1: in Rafaella's situation. You contracted in incurable and highly stigmatized disease,

452
00:23:54,796 --> 00:23:57,556
Speaker 1: your romantic partner has ditched you, and some of your

453
00:23:57,556 --> 00:24:01,356
Speaker 1: oldest friends are shunning you because of what happened. Would

454
00:24:01,396 --> 00:24:04,036
Speaker 1: you describe all of this overall as a good thing,

455
00:24:04,676 --> 00:24:07,876
Speaker 1: as a positive change in your life, as a present

456
00:24:08,036 --> 00:24:11,636
Speaker 1: from the universe, Because that's how Rafaella sees it. She

457
00:24:11,716 --> 00:24:14,276
Speaker 1: even wrote an article for ravishly dot com which she

458
00:24:14,356 --> 00:24:16,676
Speaker 1: titled getting herpes was a gift.

459
00:24:17,196 --> 00:24:19,316
Speaker 6: Some people were like what the like, how is this

460
00:24:19,356 --> 00:24:24,356
Speaker 6: a gift? Like almost angry and like calling me like delusion,

461
00:24:24,436 --> 00:24:26,276
Speaker 6: all all these sorts of things like how would you

462
00:24:26,316 --> 00:24:27,476
Speaker 6: possibly think that's a gift?

463
00:24:27,556 --> 00:24:28,436
Speaker 1: So why is it a gift?

464
00:24:29,036 --> 00:24:33,596
Speaker 6: It's a gift because I'm more knowledgeable. It's a gift

465
00:24:33,636 --> 00:24:36,476
Speaker 6: because I've been able to write things like that article

466
00:24:36,636 --> 00:24:37,476
Speaker 6: that helps people.

467
00:24:38,316 --> 00:24:41,636
Speaker 1: Rafaella says, all the fallout from her diagnosis has given

468
00:24:41,676 --> 00:24:44,676
Speaker 1: her insight into the people who really matter. It's a

469
00:24:44,716 --> 00:24:47,516
Speaker 1: strong litmus test for those who are actually going to

470
00:24:47,516 --> 00:24:48,196
Speaker 1: be there for her.

471
00:24:48,676 --> 00:24:52,836
Speaker 6: If a friend can't accept all of you warts and

472
00:24:52,916 --> 00:24:57,356
Speaker 6: all upun intended, they're not really your friend. They're fair

473
00:24:57,356 --> 00:24:58,516
Speaker 6: weather friends, you know.

474
00:24:59,076 --> 00:25:01,556
Speaker 1: But it also gave Rafaela a new filter for her

475
00:25:01,636 --> 00:25:04,636
Speaker 1: dating life. It saved her time figuring out which guys

476
00:25:04,636 --> 00:25:07,436
Speaker 1: were worth her time and which guys just didn't get it.

477
00:25:07,676 --> 00:25:09,836
Speaker 6: He said some dumbest shit about, oh am, I gonna

478
00:25:09,836 --> 00:25:11,316
Speaker 6: get it if I kiss you, and I'm like, no,

479
00:25:11,356 --> 00:25:12,276
Speaker 6: it's on my vagina.

480
00:25:12,436 --> 00:25:13,316
Speaker 7: Do you think you know?

481
00:25:13,436 --> 00:25:14,316
Speaker 1: Would you change anything?

482
00:25:14,356 --> 00:25:14,836
Speaker 6: Would you do it?

483
00:25:14,836 --> 00:25:16,756
Speaker 7: I mean it sounds like you learn so much from this, Like.

484
00:25:16,676 --> 00:25:18,676
Speaker 1: Would you keep it? Would would you do it over again?

485
00:25:18,756 --> 00:25:22,076
Speaker 6: I'd keep it. First of all, as much of a

486
00:25:22,116 --> 00:25:25,236
Speaker 6: dick as he was, he was really hot, really hot,

487
00:25:25,276 --> 00:25:28,956
Speaker 6: and the sex was really good, so I don't regret that. Secondly,

488
00:25:30,196 --> 00:25:33,436
Speaker 6: it it helped me in my dating life, I feel

489
00:25:33,956 --> 00:25:36,876
Speaker 6: a few months after I was diagnosed, I met my

490
00:25:37,196 --> 00:25:40,436
Speaker 6: current boyfriend, who've been together for like three years, and

491
00:25:40,476 --> 00:25:43,356
Speaker 6: I told him right away and he was fine with it.

492
00:25:44,036 --> 00:25:46,476
Speaker 6: So that was nice to know. That's like, especially when

493
00:25:46,516 --> 00:25:48,796
Speaker 6: you're when you can track something like herpes, you tend

494
00:25:48,796 --> 00:25:50,196
Speaker 6: to think like all, my life's over and no one's

495
00:25:50,196 --> 00:25:51,556
Speaker 6: every gonna want to sleep with me again, no one's

496
00:25:51,556 --> 00:25:53,196
Speaker 6: every gonna want to date me again. I'm never gonna

497
00:25:53,236 --> 00:25:55,756
Speaker 6: get married, this and that, but it was fine, and

498
00:25:55,836 --> 00:25:59,436
Speaker 6: like there are people that have much much worse problems

499
00:25:59,476 --> 00:26:01,156
Speaker 6: than little red bumps.

500
00:26:02,756 --> 00:26:06,036
Speaker 1: Getting herpes was much much better than Raphael and might

501
00:26:06,076 --> 00:26:09,956
Speaker 1: have predicted. And that kind of adaptation to itsity is

502
00:26:09,956 --> 00:26:12,996
Speaker 1: something Dan Gilbert has found over and over again.

503
00:26:13,276 --> 00:26:15,516
Speaker 5: What we find consistently is that in the face of

504
00:26:15,596 --> 00:26:18,596
Speaker 5: negative events, people don't feel as bad as they themselves

505
00:26:18,636 --> 00:26:19,236
Speaker 5: expected to.

506
00:26:20,236 --> 00:26:22,836
Speaker 1: Although we're pretty bad at predicting how we'll feel after

507
00:26:22,876 --> 00:26:26,356
Speaker 1: a good event like winning the lottery, Dan has observed

508
00:26:26,396 --> 00:26:29,276
Speaker 1: we're worse at predicting how we'll feel after a bad

509
00:26:29,316 --> 00:26:32,476
Speaker 1: event losing a friend, failing to get a job, or

510
00:26:32,556 --> 00:26:36,396
Speaker 1: even getting herpies. Our impact bias is even bigger when

511
00:26:36,396 --> 00:26:40,236
Speaker 1: we make predictions about negative life circumstances, because we're prone

512
00:26:40,276 --> 00:26:42,676
Speaker 1: to overcome bad events more quickly than we think.

513
00:26:43,116 --> 00:26:44,636
Speaker 5: One of the things we fail to do when we

514
00:26:44,676 --> 00:26:48,876
Speaker 5: mentally simulate is we fail to consider adaptation. We are

515
00:26:48,996 --> 00:26:52,476
Speaker 5: remarkably adaptive animal. We have been born and bred to

516
00:26:52,516 --> 00:26:55,596
Speaker 5: pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and soldier on. When

517
00:26:55,796 --> 00:26:58,076
Speaker 5: the going gets tough, we get going.

518
00:26:58,516 --> 00:27:03,236
Speaker 1: Dan calls this capacity to overcome adversity our psychological immune system.

519
00:27:04,116 --> 00:27:06,476
Speaker 1: Just as our physical immune system kicks in when we

520
00:27:06,516 --> 00:27:09,956
Speaker 1: get sick, our psychological immune system turns on when we're

521
00:27:09,956 --> 00:27:14,436
Speaker 1: in mental distress. And our psychological immune system works really,

522
00:27:14,476 --> 00:27:17,156
Speaker 1: really well. As soon as we start to feel bad,

523
00:27:17,356 --> 00:27:20,556
Speaker 1: our mind deploys a whole host of mental defenses.

524
00:27:20,716 --> 00:27:22,956
Speaker 5: If you've ever had a friend experience a breakup, you know,

525
00:27:22,996 --> 00:27:25,396
Speaker 5: at first they're really unhappy, and then pretty quickly they

526
00:27:25,396 --> 00:27:28,356
Speaker 5: get around to rationalizing, Ah, she was never really right

527
00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:30,436
Speaker 5: for me. This is really a chance for me to

528
00:27:30,436 --> 00:27:32,516
Speaker 5: start my life over. I don't think we had that

529
00:27:32,596 --> 00:27:34,556
Speaker 5: much in common in the first place. She didn't like

530
00:27:34,636 --> 00:27:38,396
Speaker 5: my mother. When you mentally simulate a breakup, you mentally

531
00:27:38,436 --> 00:27:42,796
Speaker 5: simulate the anguish, but you never mentally simulate the rationalizations.

532
00:27:43,196 --> 00:27:46,516
Speaker 1: What's amazing about all those rationalizations, though, is that the

533
00:27:46,556 --> 00:27:49,836
Speaker 1: happiness we get from rationalizing a bad event is just

534
00:27:49,916 --> 00:27:53,076
Speaker 1: as real as the happiness we get from something objectively good.

535
00:27:53,436 --> 00:27:56,476
Speaker 5: Well, there's no doubt that when people rationalize, everybody around

536
00:27:56,516 --> 00:27:59,636
Speaker 5: them feels that they found some sort of phony and

537
00:27:59,956 --> 00:28:03,276
Speaker 5: substandard form of happiness. I don't believe that for a minute.

538
00:28:03,476 --> 00:28:05,836
Speaker 5: You know, the happiness you get when the person you

539
00:28:07,036 --> 00:28:11,156
Speaker 5: love says yes to the marriage proposal, isn't qualitatively different

540
00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:14,036
Speaker 5: than the kind you produce for yourself when she says no.

541
00:28:14,556 --> 00:28:16,796
Speaker 5: There's absolutely no data that I know of to suggest

542
00:28:16,836 --> 00:28:19,396
Speaker 5: that it's an inferior form of happiness, and indeed, in

543
00:28:19,396 --> 00:28:22,156
Speaker 5: some cases, it can be more long lasting.

544
00:28:23,156 --> 00:28:27,276
Speaker 1: Raphael's misery about contracting herpes was very deep and very real,

545
00:28:28,076 --> 00:28:29,836
Speaker 1: but her misery was also short lived.

546
00:28:30,636 --> 00:28:31,516
Speaker 5: But what about.

547
00:28:31,276 --> 00:28:34,596
Speaker 1: Situations that are so horrible there's no way a person

548
00:28:34,636 --> 00:28:38,396
Speaker 1: can carry on normally. What about events so profound and

549
00:28:38,436 --> 00:28:42,596
Speaker 1: so awful that they change our lives forever. After the break,

550
00:28:42,836 --> 00:28:46,436
Speaker 1: we'll hear about the true power of our psychological immune system,

551
00:28:46,676 --> 00:28:49,476
Speaker 1: how it can transform the most terrible incidents a human

552
00:28:49,516 --> 00:28:53,196
Speaker 1: can endure into a form of joy we'd never expect.

553
00:28:53,716 --> 00:28:57,356
Speaker 3: Nineteen years old, I'm in this humvey. I'm thinking I'm

554
00:28:57,396 --> 00:28:59,676
Speaker 3: going to die. It felt good to just kind of

555
00:28:59,716 --> 00:29:02,636
Speaker 3: just close my eyes and just kind of let it happen.

556
00:29:03,356 --> 00:29:05,596
Speaker 1: The Happiness Lab will return in a moment.

557
00:29:08,316 --> 00:29:11,396
Speaker 3: I joined as an vitument because I wanted to. I

558
00:29:11,436 --> 00:29:12,436
Speaker 3: wanted to be in the action.

559
00:29:13,036 --> 00:29:13,276
Speaker 5: J R.

560
00:29:13,396 --> 00:29:15,916
Speaker 1: Martinez had just finished high school in a small town

561
00:29:15,956 --> 00:29:18,276
Speaker 1: in the South. The only son of a single mother

562
00:29:18,276 --> 00:29:22,396
Speaker 1: from El Salvador. After graduation, he decided to enlist in

563
00:29:22,436 --> 00:29:25,276
Speaker 1: the army. It was just after nine to eleven, and

564
00:29:25,316 --> 00:29:27,396
Speaker 1: he had a few predictions about how things would go.

565
00:29:28,236 --> 00:29:28,396
Speaker 5: You know.

566
00:29:28,436 --> 00:29:31,516
Speaker 3: My thought process was three years I would be in it.

567
00:29:31,716 --> 00:29:34,196
Speaker 3: I would give back to this country. It would give

568
00:29:34,196 --> 00:29:36,316
Speaker 3: me an opportunity to travel to get more disciplined, it

569
00:29:36,316 --> 00:29:38,196
Speaker 3: would give me an opportunity to give money for college.

570
00:29:38,476 --> 00:29:41,636
Speaker 3: And I remember one of my sergeants, you know, one day,

571
00:29:41,636 --> 00:29:43,356
Speaker 3: sitting down and talking to me and telling me that

572
00:29:43,396 --> 00:29:45,316
Speaker 3: I needed to be prepared because we were going to

573
00:29:45,316 --> 00:29:48,636
Speaker 3: be deployed sometime soon. And my response to him was,

574
00:29:49,156 --> 00:29:51,036
Speaker 3: I'm not going anywhere yet. I just got out of

575
00:29:51,036 --> 00:29:55,636
Speaker 3: basic training. Very naive of me, and he was absolutely

576
00:29:55,636 --> 00:29:58,036
Speaker 3: correct and right in the sense of where two months later,

577
00:29:58,476 --> 00:29:59,756
Speaker 3: I was on a plane with the rest of the

578
00:29:59,836 --> 00:30:01,716
Speaker 3: unit head over to the Beddleis go into war.

579
00:30:02,676 --> 00:30:05,076
Speaker 1: Jr. Was part of the initial invasion of Iraq in

580
00:30:05,076 --> 00:30:07,996
Speaker 1: two thousand and three. It was already a tough transition

581
00:30:08,036 --> 00:30:11,796
Speaker 1: for a nineteen year old, and within weeks tragedy struck.

582
00:30:12,356 --> 00:30:15,476
Speaker 3: Here we were, you know, a few days shy of

583
00:30:15,476 --> 00:30:17,276
Speaker 3: a month of being in Iraq and escort in the

584
00:30:17,316 --> 00:30:20,036
Speaker 3: convoy through a city car Carbala when the front left

585
00:30:20,076 --> 00:30:21,556
Speaker 3: tire of the humvey that I was driving ran over

586
00:30:21,556 --> 00:30:22,356
Speaker 3: a roadside bomb.

587
00:30:22,556 --> 00:30:25,396
Speaker 1: The blast ripped through the entire truck and everything it

588
00:30:25,476 --> 00:30:29,036
Speaker 1: was carrying, The AMMO spearri of fuel and other explosives.

589
00:30:29,516 --> 00:30:30,516
Speaker 1: It was a fireball.

590
00:30:30,916 --> 00:30:32,716
Speaker 3: There was three other soldiers in the vehicle with me.

591
00:30:32,876 --> 00:30:34,796
Speaker 3: They all got thrown out of the vehicle, but I

592
00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:38,076
Speaker 3: was trapped inside and within a matter of seconds this

593
00:30:38,156 --> 00:30:40,636
Speaker 3: hovey was engulfed in flames and I was completely conscious.

594
00:30:41,356 --> 00:30:41,756
Speaker 5: Jr.

595
00:30:41,836 --> 00:30:45,156
Speaker 1: Was pinned inside the burning truck for several minutes. He

596
00:30:45,276 --> 00:30:48,756
Speaker 1: described screaming as he watched the skin on his hands melting.

597
00:30:49,676 --> 00:30:52,836
Speaker 1: Eventually he was pulled from the vehicle, but the damage

598
00:30:52,876 --> 00:30:56,196
Speaker 1: was done. In addition to broken ribs and a lacerated liver,

599
00:30:56,636 --> 00:30:59,876
Speaker 1: he had third degree burns over his entire body, and

600
00:31:00,116 --> 00:31:02,956
Speaker 1: he'd been gulping flames into his lungs through the whole ordeal.

601
00:31:03,916 --> 00:31:07,036
Speaker 1: He was immediately metavaced, first to Europe and then to

602
00:31:07,116 --> 00:31:09,956
Speaker 1: the US Army Burn Center in San Antoo, Texas.

603
00:31:10,156 --> 00:31:13,356
Speaker 3: I remember coming out of my medical induced coma three

604
00:31:13,356 --> 00:31:18,916
Speaker 3: weeks later and my doctor essentially just kind of laying out,

605
00:31:19,316 --> 00:31:21,836
Speaker 3: you know, all the cards and saying, this is the circumstance.

606
00:31:22,356 --> 00:31:25,236
Speaker 3: You can't feed yourself, you can't walk, you can't sit up,

607
00:31:25,316 --> 00:31:27,996
Speaker 3: you can't go to the bathroom by yourself. They also

608
00:31:28,036 --> 00:31:29,796
Speaker 3: told me that I would no longer be able to

609
00:31:30,436 --> 00:31:32,996
Speaker 3: remain in the United States Army, which was incredibly difficult

610
00:31:32,996 --> 00:31:33,556
Speaker 3: and challenging.

611
00:31:33,676 --> 00:31:36,356
Speaker 7: When this happened, you were nineteen and you spent like

612
00:31:36,716 --> 00:31:37,636
Speaker 7: the next three years.

613
00:31:37,756 --> 00:31:40,996
Speaker 3: I turned twenty, twenty one, twenty two in the hospital.

614
00:31:41,076 --> 00:31:43,036
Speaker 7: It's amazing, you can just to be clear, how much

615
00:31:43,196 --> 00:31:43,676
Speaker 7: just to get.

616
00:31:43,676 --> 00:31:46,276
Speaker 3: Thirty four percent of my body was burned, and majority

617
00:31:46,276 --> 00:31:49,356
Speaker 3: of that was third degree, so it consisted of For

618
00:31:49,436 --> 00:31:51,876
Speaker 3: the listeners that can't see me, it consisted of my head,

619
00:31:51,956 --> 00:31:54,756
Speaker 3: my face, my arms, my hands, portion of my back,

620
00:31:54,796 --> 00:31:57,276
Speaker 3: portion of my legs. There's no way to really fully

621
00:31:57,316 --> 00:32:00,556
Speaker 3: describe the pain unless you've been through it. But what's

622
00:32:00,596 --> 00:32:03,036
Speaker 3: incredible about being a burn survivor a burn patient at

623
00:32:03,036 --> 00:32:05,076
Speaker 3: the time is that the part of your body that

624
00:32:05,156 --> 00:32:08,956
Speaker 3: isn't burned still hurts. Because they usually use the areas

625
00:32:08,996 --> 00:32:11,836
Speaker 3: of your body that are not scarred as skin to

626
00:32:11,916 --> 00:32:15,036
Speaker 3: do skin grafts, and usually the donor site is more

627
00:32:15,076 --> 00:32:16,716
Speaker 3: painful than the actual injury itself.

628
00:32:17,036 --> 00:32:21,076
Speaker 1: But Jr's physical pain was nothing compared to his emotional anguish.

629
00:32:21,556 --> 00:32:24,556
Speaker 1: When he enlisted, he'd been something of a local heart throb.

630
00:32:24,876 --> 00:32:26,996
Speaker 3: You know. It's funny because growing up I always heard,

631
00:32:27,636 --> 00:32:30,396
Speaker 3: you know, from like my mom's friends, you know, all

632
00:32:30,436 --> 00:32:32,036
Speaker 3: these women, you know, would say, Oh my god, he's

633
00:32:32,076 --> 00:32:34,516
Speaker 3: so cute, he's so this, he's so that, And so

634
00:32:34,556 --> 00:32:36,676
Speaker 3: I grew up just thinking like, that's what I am.

635
00:32:36,756 --> 00:32:39,636
Speaker 3: You know, no one ever said he has an amazing personality,

636
00:32:39,876 --> 00:32:43,916
Speaker 3: he's funny, he's whatever, articulate and nothing. It was cute.

637
00:32:44,636 --> 00:32:47,916
Speaker 3: And so suddenly I look at myself and I'm like,

638
00:32:47,996 --> 00:32:50,796
Speaker 3: that's not cute. What I see in the mirror, that's

639
00:32:50,836 --> 00:32:54,196
Speaker 3: not And that person that I see I do not recognize.

640
00:32:54,236 --> 00:32:57,916
Speaker 3: I have no relationship with that individual. The old JR.

641
00:32:57,996 --> 00:32:58,916
Speaker 4: Had died, and.

642
00:32:58,876 --> 00:33:01,476
Speaker 3: As you can imagine, I fell into a deep, dark

643
00:33:01,516 --> 00:33:06,276
Speaker 3: place of I was depressed. I was angry, I was resentful.

644
00:33:06,636 --> 00:33:10,356
Speaker 3: I was a victim in every sense of the word.

645
00:33:10,916 --> 00:33:15,036
Speaker 1: Deep burns and thick scars over his entire body, dozens

646
00:33:15,036 --> 00:33:17,756
Speaker 1: of surgeries, and years of his young life wasted in

647
00:33:17,796 --> 00:33:21,676
Speaker 1: the hospital, plus the permanent loss of his good looks

648
00:33:21,716 --> 00:33:24,916
Speaker 1: and his military career. Those are some of the most

649
00:33:24,916 --> 00:33:28,636
Speaker 1: profound and tragic events a person can endure. But how

650
00:33:28,636 --> 00:33:30,996
Speaker 1: does JR. Think about all these awful events today?

651
00:33:31,556 --> 00:33:33,796
Speaker 3: I can tell you right now that what happened to

652
00:33:33,796 --> 00:33:34,516
Speaker 3: me is a blessing.

653
00:33:35,316 --> 00:33:37,556
Speaker 1: That's right, as a blessing.

654
00:33:37,596 --> 00:33:39,316
Speaker 3: Considering the fact that I was trapped inside of a

655
00:33:39,316 --> 00:33:42,116
Speaker 3: burning truck for five minutes. I'm fortunate to only have

656
00:33:42,196 --> 00:33:44,396
Speaker 3: what I have. I have a lot of friends, and

657
00:33:44,436 --> 00:33:47,996
Speaker 3: I know a lot of people that unfortunately have missing limbs,

658
00:33:48,396 --> 00:33:51,596
Speaker 3: are you know, have are more scarred, you know, or

659
00:33:51,636 --> 00:33:55,396
Speaker 3: disfigured you know. So in that sense, I'm incredibly fortunate.

660
00:33:56,236 --> 00:33:58,516
Speaker 7: It's so cool to hear you say that you're incredibly fortunate,

661
00:33:58,516 --> 00:34:00,636
Speaker 7: because again, I think people who just heard the story,

662
00:34:00,876 --> 00:34:04,196
Speaker 7: you know, guys, m VY explodes, he spends you know,

663
00:34:04,396 --> 00:34:07,156
Speaker 7: the decent chunk of his twenties in the hospital having major,

664
00:34:07,196 --> 00:34:09,916
Speaker 7: major surgeries, loves with scars for the rest of his life.

665
00:34:10,196 --> 00:34:12,796
Speaker 7: And then you're saying I'm fortunately, Like on the last.

666
00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:15,756
Speaker 3: Line, yeah, well I am, because you know, I think

667
00:34:15,796 --> 00:34:18,436
Speaker 3: about how I'm blessed to have a second chance at life.

668
00:34:19,036 --> 00:34:21,436
Speaker 3: I don't want to take this second chance for granted.

669
00:34:21,516 --> 00:34:24,676
Speaker 1: And JR. Did take every opportunity that came his way.

670
00:34:25,396 --> 00:34:28,356
Speaker 1: Being a badly injured vet open doors that JR. Never

671
00:34:28,436 --> 00:34:31,876
Speaker 1: dreamed of. He became a mentor for other burn victims,

672
00:34:32,156 --> 00:34:35,076
Speaker 1: which led to a few lucrative speaking gigs. Telling his

673
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:39,116
Speaker 1: stories so openly built up Jr's confidence, so much so

674
00:34:39,356 --> 00:34:41,876
Speaker 1: that when a friend casually mentioned that Jr. Should try

675
00:34:41,876 --> 00:34:44,556
Speaker 1: out for an acting job, he decided to go for it.

676
00:34:45,596 --> 00:34:49,556
Speaker 3: I became an actor on a soap opera All my Children,

677
00:34:49,596 --> 00:34:52,356
Speaker 3: and that led Dancing with the Stars to ask me

678
00:34:52,396 --> 00:34:54,596
Speaker 3: to be on the show, and then I'd acted in

679
00:34:54,636 --> 00:34:57,116
Speaker 3: some other shows. After that, I wrote a book about

680
00:34:57,156 --> 00:34:59,556
Speaker 3: my life and my mother's life and my family's life,

681
00:34:59,556 --> 00:35:01,636
Speaker 3: and it became a New York Times bestseller. I mean,

682
00:35:01,636 --> 00:35:05,116
Speaker 3: People Magazine put me on a cover because of these scars.

683
00:35:05,596 --> 00:35:10,716
Speaker 3: I have this incredible ability to get people's attention, the

684
00:35:10,756 --> 00:35:13,996
Speaker 3: fifteen seconds of curiosity right like, who is that? What

685
00:35:14,156 --> 00:35:18,156
Speaker 3: happened to him? Those fifteen seconds of curiosity that people have.

686
00:35:18,796 --> 00:35:23,116
Speaker 3: It's my job mine to take that fifteen seconds and

687
00:35:23,156 --> 00:35:26,396
Speaker 3: turn it into thirty seconds, into forty five, into sixty seconds,

688
00:35:26,476 --> 00:35:31,516
Speaker 3: into five minutes. Ten minutes a lifetime of actual, educated dialogue.

689
00:35:31,636 --> 00:35:34,236
Speaker 3: This is who I am. Everything I thought I wanted

690
00:35:34,276 --> 00:35:36,196
Speaker 3: in life. You know, I wanted to be a pro

691
00:35:36,436 --> 00:35:38,836
Speaker 3: professional football player and have fame and have all this

692
00:35:38,996 --> 00:35:41,396
Speaker 3: money and be able to do all these things. Like

693
00:35:41,596 --> 00:35:45,356
Speaker 3: if I would have accomplished those things, would I be

694
00:35:45,476 --> 00:35:47,036
Speaker 3: as happy as I am? Now?

695
00:35:47,636 --> 00:35:49,836
Speaker 7: Would you change anything? Would you do it over differently?

696
00:35:51,276 --> 00:35:51,356
Speaker 2: Now?

697
00:35:51,396 --> 00:35:55,196
Speaker 3: I wouldn't change anything. I one percent mean that.

698
00:35:55,316 --> 00:35:57,836
Speaker 7: But you wouldn't change like the explosion and the scars,

699
00:35:57,876 --> 00:35:59,356
Speaker 7: the surgery, You'd keep all of that.

700
00:35:59,836 --> 00:36:06,956
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, because the life I have, I mean, the

701
00:36:06,996 --> 00:36:10,396
Speaker 3: beautiful wife and the beautiful daughter, and the beautiful life

702
00:36:10,396 --> 00:36:12,956
Speaker 3: that I've created for myself. I mean, gosh, I mean

703
00:36:14,396 --> 00:36:15,596
Speaker 3: I'm blessed.

704
00:36:19,316 --> 00:36:22,316
Speaker 5: With bad events. We often don't realize that some good

705
00:36:22,356 --> 00:36:23,396
Speaker 5: can come out of them.

706
00:36:23,556 --> 00:36:26,756
Speaker 1: Dan Gilbert is unsurprised that people like JR. See more

707
00:36:26,796 --> 00:36:31,196
Speaker 1: positive than negatives even in the worst of circumstances. He's

708
00:36:31,236 --> 00:36:34,396
Speaker 1: seen it time and again in his work on hedonic adaptation.

709
00:36:35,116 --> 00:36:37,836
Speaker 5: Startlingly, if you ask people who've lost a child, which

710
00:36:37,876 --> 00:36:41,076
Speaker 5: is the single worst event that people can imagine experiencing,

711
00:36:41,476 --> 00:36:43,796
Speaker 5: and indeed it is one of the worst events people

712
00:36:43,836 --> 00:36:47,236
Speaker 5: can actually experience. If you ask people have lost a child,

713
00:36:47,636 --> 00:36:50,196
Speaker 5: they never say, gee, I'm glad that happened. But if

714
00:36:50,196 --> 00:36:51,996
Speaker 5: you ask them to name the good and the bad

715
00:36:52,036 --> 00:36:54,516
Speaker 5: things that have come from it, they tend to name

716
00:36:54,556 --> 00:36:58,316
Speaker 5: more good than bad things. That's a very stunning fact

717
00:36:58,796 --> 00:37:01,436
Speaker 5: that we should just sit back and marvel at the

718
00:37:01,476 --> 00:37:04,476
Speaker 5: possibility that the worst thing in the world could happen

719
00:37:04,516 --> 00:37:08,436
Speaker 5: to us and probably more good than bad will come

720
00:37:08,476 --> 00:37:08,836
Speaker 5: out of it.

721
00:37:09,396 --> 00:37:11,836
Speaker 1: There are awful events that will cause you to feel

722
00:37:11,876 --> 00:37:16,436
Speaker 1: pain and hurt and loss, but we're fighters. When push

723
00:37:16,476 --> 00:37:19,796
Speaker 1: comes to shove, we are really resilient. The problem is

724
00:37:20,436 --> 00:37:21,516
Speaker 1: we don't realize that.

725
00:37:22,036 --> 00:37:24,196
Speaker 5: I think if you understand the power of the psychological

726
00:37:24,236 --> 00:37:27,996
Speaker 5: immune system, our remarkable ability to rationalize in the face

727
00:37:28,036 --> 00:37:32,596
Speaker 5: of adversity, it makes you braver. You realize that you

728
00:37:32,756 --> 00:37:36,396
Speaker 5: will make mistakes and it will be okay. I think

729
00:37:36,396 --> 00:37:37,796
Speaker 5: there's a lesson there for all of us.

730
00:37:44,596 --> 00:37:47,836
Speaker 1: After making this episode, I've become even more convinced about

731
00:37:47,836 --> 00:37:51,436
Speaker 1: that lesson. Heatonic adaptation means the lows of life aren't

732
00:37:51,436 --> 00:37:54,036
Speaker 1: going to be as awful as you imagine, just as

733
00:37:54,036 --> 00:37:56,916
Speaker 1: the highs will be more temporary than you hope. As

734
00:37:56,956 --> 00:37:59,676
Speaker 1: a psychologist, I already knew that winning the lottery and

735
00:37:59,716 --> 00:38:04,436
Speaker 1: other great circumstances don't bring lasting happiness, But honestly, I

736
00:38:04,476 --> 00:38:07,396
Speaker 1: often forget about the flip side. So I'm going to

737
00:38:07,396 --> 00:38:10,076
Speaker 1: make a conscious effort to be a bit braver, to

738
00:38:10,116 --> 00:38:13,276
Speaker 1: stop worrying so much, to remember that I have a

739
00:38:13,396 --> 00:38:16,756
Speaker 1: kind of emotional superpower, one that can get me through

740
00:38:16,756 --> 00:38:20,036
Speaker 1: the worst of circumstances. And I hope you'll do the same,

741
00:38:20,556 --> 00:38:23,756
Speaker 1: because even though your mind might tell you otherwise, joy

742
00:38:23,756 --> 00:38:26,996
Speaker 1: doesn't come from everything in life working out perfectly. It

743
00:38:27,036 --> 00:38:31,236
Speaker 1: comes from adopting better habits and better behaviors. All strategies

744
00:38:31,276 --> 00:38:34,716
Speaker 1: will be discussing in coming episodes of The Happiness Lab

745
00:38:34,876 --> 00:38:48,836
Speaker 1: with me Doctor Laurie Santos. If you enjoyed the show,

746
00:38:48,956 --> 00:38:50,916
Speaker 1: I'd be super grateful if you could spread the word

747
00:38:51,076 --> 00:38:53,956
Speaker 1: by leaving a rating and a review. It really does

748
00:38:53,996 --> 00:38:57,076
Speaker 1: help other listeners find us, and don't forget to tell

749
00:38:57,116 --> 00:38:59,396
Speaker 1: your friends. If you want to learn more about the

750
00:38:59,436 --> 00:39:01,476
Speaker 1: science you heard on the show, then check out our

751
00:39:01,516 --> 00:39:04,716
Speaker 1: website Happiness Lab dot fm. You can also sign up

752
00:39:04,756 --> 00:39:08,916
Speaker 1: for our newsletter to get exclusive content. The Happiness Lab

753
00:39:08,956 --> 00:39:11,636
Speaker 1: is co written and produced by Ryan Dilly. The show

754
00:39:11,716 --> 00:39:14,356
Speaker 1: is mixed and mastered by Evan Viola and edited by

755
00:39:14,436 --> 00:39:18,636
Speaker 1: Julia Barton, fact checking by Joseph Friedman, and our original

756
00:39:18,676 --> 00:39:22,716
Speaker 1: music was composed by Zachary Silver. Special thanks to Mio

757
00:39:22,756 --> 00:39:27,716
Speaker 1: La Belle, Carl mcgliori, Heather Fain, Maggie Taylor, Maya Knigg,

758
00:39:27,956 --> 00:39:30,916
Speaker 1: and Jacob Weisberg. The Happiness Lab is brought to you

759
00:39:30,956 --> 00:39:40,836
Speaker 1: by Pushkin Industries and me Doctor Laurie Santos. I hope

760
00:39:40,836 --> 00:39:43,276
Speaker 1: you enjoyed that blast from the past. Next time on

761
00:39:43,316 --> 00:39:46,156
Speaker 1: the Happiness Lab, we'll share another story from our listeners.

762
00:39:46,596 --> 00:39:49,356
Speaker 1: Thirteen women in a New England town inspired by this

763
00:39:49,396 --> 00:39:52,356
Speaker 1: podcast have teamed up to bring more playfulness and joy

764
00:39:52,436 --> 00:39:57,916
Speaker 1: into their lives by staging fun interventions or funterventions. I

765
00:39:57,956 --> 00:40:01,956
Speaker 1: traveled to meet them and joined in the fun. Hannah Montana,

766
00:40:02,196 --> 00:40:04,396
Speaker 1: oh uh Bileay syr So. I hope you'll come back

767
00:40:04,516 --> 00:40:06,796
Speaker 1: to hear the next episode of The Happiness Lab with

768
00:40:06,956 --> 00:40:14,276
Speaker 1: me Doctor Laurie Santos. Oh, Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt, wasn't

769
00:40:14,316 --> 00:40:15,516
Speaker 1: he in the Magic Mind