Speaker 1: Let me start with what's actually happening when you feel lost,
Speaker 1: because if you don't know where you are, it's hard
Speaker 1: to know where you want to get to or how
Speaker 1: to get out of it. I'm Raley d Wlukiah and
Speaker 1: on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the
Speaker 1: messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw and
Speaker 1: fields of conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to
Speaker 1: tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone,
Speaker 1: and welcome back to this week's episode of A Really
Speaker 1: Good Cry. Today, I wanted to share something that I
Speaker 1: went through myself, and I created this, well, not a system,
Speaker 1: but tried an error of so many things to try
Speaker 1: and help me to figure out what it was that
Speaker 1: I wanted to do in life in a time when
Speaker 1: I was the most lost, whether it's your career, whether
Speaker 1: it's just figuring out what my purpose is in this
Speaker 1: world and how I'm supposed to navigate life and what
Speaker 1: I'm meant to be doing. These tools and techniques that
Speaker 1: I'm going to be sharing with you are things that
Speaker 1: helped me immensely. And I go through this quite often,
Speaker 1: to be honest, more often than I probably should have
Speaker 1: sudden confusion about what is it I'm supposed to be
Speaker 1: doing right now? And am I doing the right thing?
Speaker 1: And I think it's really important to actually have that
Speaker 1: regularly in life, to make sure that you are on track,
Speaker 1: to make sure that you are doing what you love doing,
Speaker 1: doing things in your life that make you happy, that
Speaker 1: make you feel content, and to feel like you're on
Speaker 1: the right path. I think feeling lost can be a
Speaker 1: really difficult feeling to navigate. And I read this quote
Speaker 1: that said, what if you're actually not confused about what
Speaker 1: you want? What if you're just craving something your current
Speaker 1: life isn't giving you. And I was thinking about that,
Speaker 1: and I realized that maybe feeling stuck about what you
Speaker 1: want to do in life may not actually be confusion
Speaker 1: at ll. Maybe it's something much simpler and something more fixable.
Speaker 1: And I think most things in life are like that.
Speaker 1: When you end up creating this big idea of feeling lost,
Speaker 1: it feels so vast, it feels like so difficult to navigate,
Speaker 1: But actually if you try and break it down, most things,
Speaker 1: when you break it down into smaller bits, smaller chunks,
Speaker 1: and you really think about what you want to feel
Speaker 1: and work backwards. Often it can feel a lot SMA,
Speaker 1: and I don't want you to have to go through that.
Speaker 1: I've already been through it, so I thought, let me
Speaker 1: share the things that I've done to help me through it,
Speaker 1: so you don't have to navigate it yourself or go
Speaker 1: through as much trial and error as I did. So
Speaker 1: today I'm going to share some research backs and also
Speaker 1: experience backs frameworks that completely changed how I thought about
Speaker 1: this question. And these frameworks and questions have really helped
Speaker 1: me to decipher life the work that I should be
Speaker 1: doing every single time. I actually think most of the
Speaker 1: time when we say we don't know what we want,
Speaker 1: we do know what we want, we just don't know
Speaker 1: how to get there, or we're just missing something in
Speaker 1: our current life that's making everything else feel really foggy.
Speaker 1: So hopefully, by the end of this episode, I'm really
Speaker 1: really hoping that you'll be well on your way to
Speaker 1: understanding exactly what that is and have a clearer path forward.
Speaker 1: So let's get into it. Let me start with what's
Speaker 1: actually happening when you feel lost, Because if you don't
Speaker 1: know where you are, it's hard to know where you
Speaker 1: want to get to or how to get out of it.
Speaker 1: So when people are lost, I think they feel like
Speaker 1: they have a direction problem, like somewhere out there there
Speaker 1: is this perfect career, this perfect calling, and they just
Speaker 1: can't find it. But I actually came across this theory.
Speaker 1: It was by these two scientists called Edward Decci and
Speaker 1: Richard Ryan, and they developed this theory called the self
Speaker 1: determination theory, and they said that humans thrive when three
Speaker 1: core psychological needs are met. And the first one is autonomy.
Speaker 1: You feel like you have choice and you're steering your
Speaker 1: own life. The second one is competence. You feel capable,
Speaker 1: like you're growing and getting better at things that matter
Speaker 1: to you. And the third one is related this, you
Speaker 1: feel connected, like you belong somewhere, like people really see you.
Speaker 1: So what they're saying is it's not that you don't
Speaker 1: know what you want. It's that something fundamental is missing
Speaker 1: right now in your life and that emptiness is clouding everything. So,
Speaker 1: for example, if you feel trapped in your job, like
Speaker 1: you're just going through the motions, like someone else is
Speaker 1: writing the script for your life, that's an autonomy problem
Speaker 1: because you don't feel like you've got a grasp on
Speaker 1: your own life. You don't feel like you have a choice.
Speaker 1: If you feel stagnant or bored, like you've stopped growing,
Speaker 1: like your skills aren't being used, that's a competence problem.
Speaker 1: If you feel alone in your past, like nobody gets it,
Speaker 1: like you're disconnected from the people around you, that's a
Speaker 1: relatedness problem. And so here's the first question that I
Speaker 1: asked myself, and I want you to sit with. Which
Speaker 1: of these three feels most empty for you right now?
Speaker 1: Is it autonomy, not being able to make your own decisions,
Speaker 1: is it competence, or is it relatedness? You feel lonely,
Speaker 1: you feel like you're not understood in this world. And
Speaker 1: when you identify that real gap, you can stop asking
Speaker 1: the question of what should I do in my life
Speaker 1: and start asking what would help me feel more free,
Speaker 1: or more challenged or more connected. That feels like a
Speaker 1: much easier to answer question than some of the bigger
Speaker 1: questions that we ask. And so starting with that, which
Speaker 1: one of these feels like it's missing in my life
Speaker 1: or feels a little bit empty in my life? And
Speaker 1: I really recommend sitting with these questions for a long
Speaker 1: period of time. I know you're listening to them right
Speaker 1: now as you go through the podcast episode. But I
Speaker 1: also think writing them down and coming back to them
Speaker 1: over and over again until you feel like you've really
Speaker 1: thought about them, until you feel like you've written out
Speaker 1: as much as you possibly can on each question, will
Speaker 1: be really useful to you because it will help you
Speaker 1: to realize what your mind is feeling, thinking, what it's
Speaker 1: fearful of. So much will come out of it if
Speaker 1: you really give enough time and energy to answer them.
Speaker 1: So now you have a diagnostic tool and you understand
Speaker 1: what might actually be missing through answering that question, but
Speaker 1: you still need direction. You need to figure out where
Speaker 1: to actually point your energy. Once you figured out this
Speaker 1: is what's missing, what do I now do with that information?
Speaker 1: And for that I want to share research on this
Speaker 1: other theory called the possible selves theory, and the core
Speaker 1: idea of that is that we make decisions based on
Speaker 1: the future versions of ourselves that we can imagine. If
Speaker 1: you have this visual or you know exactly where you're going,
Speaker 1: all the type of life that you can envision for yourself,
Speaker 1: it makes it easier to make day to day decisions
Speaker 1: deciding on whether this is taking me towards that or
Speaker 1: away from it. You can take more consistent action, and
Speaker 1: you can feel more pulled forward in the right direction
Speaker 1: rather than feel like you're making choices in the dark.
Speaker 1: So if your future self is blurry, you feel stuck.
Speaker 1: You don't know what choices feel right for you or
Speaker 1: wrong for you. It's almost like getting into an uber
Speaker 1: and the driver says, give me directions to your destination,
Speaker 1: but you actually don't know where you're going. How would
Speaker 1: you know what roads to take or the bridges to
Speaker 1: cross if you don't actually know where you are going.
Speaker 1: And so we're going to do a little exercise right now.
Speaker 1: And you can do this in your head, but like
Speaker 1: I said, it works better if you write it down.
Speaker 1: I want you to imagine three possible versions of your
Speaker 1: future self, not career titles, but actual lived experiences, what
Speaker 1: your days look like and how you feel going through
Speaker 1: that day. So the version one is your safe self.
Speaker 1: This is the version of you that plays it smart.
Speaker 1: You stay in the lane, you take the secure path
Speaker 1: that feels the most comfortable. Maybe you stay in the
Speaker 1: job that you're in right now, or you pick something
Speaker 1: stable and predictable. Really, picture it five years from now.
Speaker 1: What does a Tuesday look like for this version of you,
Speaker 1: where do you live, who you with, how do you
Speaker 1: feel when you wake up? The second version is your
Speaker 1: bold self. This is a version that takes that leave,
Speaker 1: that does the scary thing, that starts the business you've
Speaker 1: been thinking about, that makes the move, and you essentially
Speaker 1: change everything. What does that use they look like? What
Speaker 1: are the risks, what are the rewards? How does this
Speaker 1: version of you feel in their body? Who does it include?
Speaker 1: Who does it not include? And then version three is
Speaker 1: your comfortable self. This is different from safe, but this
Speaker 1: is the version of you that prioritizes ease, flexibility, low stress.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's less ambitious, but definitely more peaceful for you,
Speaker 1: more time, more space. And so what does that feel like?
Speaker 1: What did you have to trade in to actually get
Speaker 1: this feeling of more peace? What did you gain? And
Speaker 1: what did you feel like you lost if you ended
Speaker 1: up living that life. So, after imagining all three, here
Speaker 1: are the key questions that you need to ask yourself.
Speaker 1: Which one feels more expensive, like your chest opens up,
Speaker 1: like something in you says yes, I feel so good
Speaker 1: about this. Which one feels like contraction, tightness in your chest, obligation,
Speaker 1: the feeling of I guess I should be doing this,
Speaker 1: and which one feels like relief, not excitement necessarily, but
Speaker 1: just ease and pe and calmness in your body. While
Speaker 1: you're going through that, pay attention how is your body feeling?
Speaker 1: It often knows before your mind does. And here's something
Speaker 1: I found for myself. The version that scares you and
Speaker 1: excites you is usually the one that matters the most.
Speaker 1: Your fear and desire often live in the same place.
Speaker 1: And if something makes you feel nervous but you can't
Speaker 1: stop thinking about it, there might be something there. In
Speaker 1: my own experience, the safe path never makes you really
Speaker 1: feel lost, but the unlived path definitely does. This idea
Speaker 1: of potential, this idea of what if, this idea of
Speaker 1: fulfilling your desires or the thoughts or the dreams that
Speaker 1: you have. So now, through answering those questions, eventually you
Speaker 1: should have some clarity on what's missing, and you started
Speaker 1: imagining all these possible futures that you could be living.
Speaker 1: And the problem is sometimes we just jump straight into
Speaker 1: job titles. Should I be a writer because of this?
Speaker 1: Should I be a therapist? Should I start a business?
Speaker 1: Should I be going back to school? And I actually
Speaker 1: think those are the wrong questions to be asking, at
Speaker 1: least at first, because what's more important are your values,
Speaker 1: and when you clarify your values, you can make much cleaner,
Speaker 1: more conscious decisions. And values are not goals. Goals are outcomes.
Speaker 1: They're the things that you achieve and you check off.
Speaker 1: But values are directions. They give you an insight into
Speaker 1: who you are and whether the things that you want
Speaker 1: to do actually align with you. They are what dictate
Speaker 1: how you move through life. So let me give you
Speaker 1: an example. Becoming a lawyer is a goal, but why
Speaker 1: someone becomes a lawyer could be totally different values. One
Speaker 1: person might want justice, they want to fight for people
Speaker 1: who don't have power. Another person wants security, they want
Speaker 1: a prestigious, stable career with a good paycheck. Someone else
Speaker 1: might choose it because they want an intellectual challenge. They
Speaker 1: love arguing and researching and fixing problems. Same job title,
Speaker 1: but with completely different values driving it. And that matters
Speaker 1: because if you don't know your values, you will end
Speaker 1: up chasing goals that look right but feel really wrong.
Speaker 1: So you'll end up landing a job and still feel
Speaker 1: really empty because the values underneath do not match yours.
Speaker 1: So what I want you to do next is I'm
Speaker 1: going to list ten values and notice which one calls
Speaker 1: at you, which one feels like non negotiables. These are
Speaker 1: ten core values that most of us lean towards freedom, security, creativity, impact, recognition, stability, adventure, contribution, mastery,
Speaker 1: or community. So take a look through them, think about
Speaker 1: what they mean for you, and then decide what your
Speaker 1: top three are. Now what sounds good, Not what you
Speaker 1: think you should value, not what other people around you value,
Speaker 1: but what actually drives you when you're really being honest
Speaker 1: with yourself, and none of better than the other. They
Speaker 1: just give you a clear indication of what you value
Speaker 1: and what you're going to thrive by following, or doing
Speaker 1: or considering in your life. And then ask yourself, does
Speaker 1: my current path honor these top three? How I live
Speaker 1: my life on a daily basis the job that I'm doing,
Speaker 1: the people I surround myself with, am I creating a
Speaker 1: life that allows me to keep those core values in
Speaker 1: the center. If yes, you probably don't need a career change,
Speaker 1: but maybe you need an environment change of role shift
Speaker 1: different people around you. If it's no, then you know
Speaker 1: that something feels off. So instead of asking yourself, what
Speaker 1: job should I have ask yourself what do I want
Speaker 1: my days to feel like? Don't want them to be
Speaker 1: fast paced, calm, structured, flexible, independent or collaborative, creative or analytical.
Speaker 1: And I think we all trained from a young age
Speaker 1: the first question answered what do you want to be
Speaker 1: when you're older. It's a conditioning that runs deep. We
Speaker 1: think of career before we think about how it's going
Speaker 1: to make us feel or how we want to feel
Speaker 1: in our life, and so there is a reconditioning that
Speaker 1: has to happen a new way of thinking when you
Speaker 1: start having these moments in life. Rather than thinking of
Speaker 1: what career am I switching to, it's really about what
Speaker 1: am I trying to feel? From that. What you're doing
Speaker 1: is you are clarifying the lifestyle you want before you
Speaker 1: decide on the title that you want. When you figure
Speaker 1: out how you want to live, the what gets so
Speaker 1: much easier to figure out. So now you have a
Speaker 1: sense of what's missing, whether it's autonomy or competence or relatedness.
Speaker 1: You have a vision of your possible future selves, and
Speaker 1: I'm sure one of them you will pulled to more
Speaker 1: than the others. You have clarity on what your core
Speaker 1: values are, and now is the time you make decisions
Speaker 1: in your life. And most people store this. They wait,
Speaker 1: they over think, they try to figure it all out
Speaker 1: in their head before making any moves. But the thing is,
Speaker 1: when it comes to decision making, action creates clarity and
Speaker 1: not the other way around. You don't think your way
Speaker 1: into knowing what you want. You experiment your way there.
Speaker 1: And so I want to introduce you to my next concept,
Speaker 1: which is little micro experiments. Instead of saying I'm going
Speaker 1: to change my whole entire life, which is absolutely terrifying
Speaker 1: and really vague, you say I'm going to test this
Speaker 1: one thing for thirty to sixty days. It has low stakes,
Speaker 1: but you get a lot of information from it. Le
Speaker 1: we say, we talked to a family member a lot,
Speaker 1: and she's really unhappy in her job. She's been saying
Speaker 1: it for years and years, and she has this idea,
Speaker 1: this really incredible idea of a business she wants to start. Now.
Speaker 1: Her first in thing was maybe I should just quit
Speaker 1: and really throw myself into it, And instead I said, well,
Speaker 1: why don't you create it as a side hustle on
Speaker 1: the side, Why don't you go to courses that teach
Speaker 1: you about what this job actually entails what it will
Speaker 1: take to actually create this business, what it will look like.
Speaker 1: Why don't you start creating designs for the things that
Speaker 1: you want to create and start envisioning what that looks
Speaker 1: like for you. Having that on the side of what
Speaker 1: you're doing is a much safer way to do something
Speaker 1: than just quitting everything and jumping into the next thing,
Speaker 1: especially if you haven't really thought it out properly. So
Speaker 1: if you think about starting a business, don't quit your job.
Speaker 1: Start a tiny side project for sixty to ninety days
Speaker 1: and see how it feels to work on it. If
Speaker 1: you want to know if you'll be happier in a
Speaker 1: different city, you don't need to move there permanently spend
Speaker 1: a month there. If you can work remotely, actually live it.
Speaker 1: If you're curious about exploring a different career path, you
Speaker 1: don't need to go back to school just yet. Find
Speaker 1: someone in that field and shadow them for a day,
Speaker 1: ask them questions, interview them, really understand what it involves.
Speaker 1: Use your connections to speak to people. And I think
Speaker 1: this is really important because we forget that we have
Speaker 1: such a huge community around us. We have friends who
Speaker 1: know people, we have family members who might be able
Speaker 1: to help us, And this is not the time to
Speaker 1: get shy or let your ego get in the way
Speaker 1: because you're worried about being a beginner or asking people
Speaker 1: for advice or help. There's actually never a good time
Speaker 1: to feel like that. I think we really hold ourselves
Speaker 1: back when it comes to these big decisions by not
Speaker 1: engaging people in our life to help us, by not
Speaker 1: inquiring and asking questions and asking people to connect us
Speaker 1: with others. The worst thing that could happen is they
Speaker 1: say no and you can google it instead. But ideally,
Speaker 1: what you want is a real life experience, and so
Speaker 1: we rob ourselves of that sometimes based on our ego
Speaker 1: or judgment from other people, thinking of how they'll perceive
Speaker 1: us if we're going into this specific job, or what
Speaker 1: they would think of us. But really that just holds
Speaker 1: us back. The worst thing that can happen is you
Speaker 1: can get a know and you move on to the
Speaker 1: next thing. So all these little micro experiments really work
Speaker 1: because they lower the pressure, you know, deciding your whole
Speaker 1: tire future straight away. You're just gathering data and information
Speaker 1: and getting a glimpse of what it looks like. They
Speaker 1: create real information, not this hypothetical dream or vision that
Speaker 1: you've got in your mind, and they build momentum because
Speaker 1: when you take a little step towards something, it creates
Speaker 1: this idea of possibility of what can be. Or sometimes
Speaker 1: something really unexpected lights you up and it takes you
Speaker 1: a completely different trajectory. You cannot know until you try.
Speaker 1: If you take anything away from this, pick one thing
Speaker 1: that you've been curious about. Design a small experiment. What
Speaker 1: could you try for thirty to sixty days that would
Speaker 1: give you real information on a dream or a desire
Speaker 1: that you have, and then set a review date for yourself.
Speaker 1: At the end of the experiment, ask yourself, did this
Speaker 1: energize me? Did this drain me? Do I want more
Speaker 1: of this? Or do I want to stop this right now?
Speaker 1: Am I fascinated by this? Or am I board of
Speaker 1: it already? And then you run another experiment and another experiment,
Speaker 1: and eventually you should be gaining some clarity based on
Speaker 1: the information that you're gathering. And this is really how
Speaker 1: I built for myself a life that I wanted to
Speaker 1: part it in, and I did everything from yoga teacher training,
Speaker 1: I went back to study. I experimented with things online
Speaker 1: where I was just sharing recipes where I was sharing
Speaker 1: the things I was learning. A lot of it worked,
Speaker 1: a lot of it didn't. I had to experiment with
Speaker 1: the way that I was communicating, whether I wanted to
Speaker 1: put myself on screen or not, whether I wanted to
Speaker 1: become a teacher in something like. There were so many
Speaker 1: things that I explored and I spoke to people. I
Speaker 1: asked them what they're doing, I asked them how it
Speaker 1: impacted their life. I asked them how they feel every
Speaker 1: single day doing that job. These little tests they really
Speaker 1: compound over time and they just give you more and
Speaker 1: more information to base the decision on. Okay, so I
Speaker 1: feel like I've thrown a lot at you in this podcast,
Speaker 1: but it's definitely one to keep coming back to, or
Speaker 1: at least writing down these questions and answering them in
Speaker 1: your own time. But I'm going to simplify everything into
Speaker 1: three questions that you can come back to whenever you
Speaker 1: feel stuck. However many times you get stuck in life,
Speaker 1: which for me has been many, These are some questions
Speaker 1: that have really helped me to clarify. The first one
Speaker 1: is what energizes me without external validation. I think we're
Speaker 1: used to getting a lot of making a lot of
Speaker 1: our decisions based on other people's view of us. But
Speaker 1: what you have to try and figure out is what
Speaker 1: lights me up, what energizes me without other people's validation involved.
Speaker 1: There's so much research to show that we are so
Speaker 1: much more fulfilled in life when we pursue goals that
Speaker 1: are meaningful to us, not because they impress people, not
Speaker 1: because they make money, not because they're expected. And so
Speaker 1: asking yourself, if nobody was to ever know that I
Speaker 1: did this thing, would I still want to do it?
Speaker 1: The second question is which version of my future self
Speaker 1: feels really expansive rather than safe. Usually there is a
Speaker 1: path that makes you feel nervous but will not leave
Speaker 1: your mind, and that's usually the one that matters the most.
Speaker 1: Safe choices rarely cause existential confusion or questions. But I
Speaker 1: think it's those unlived possibilities that do create these moments
Speaker 1: of lost feeling in life. And the third question is
Speaker 1: does this path give me autonomy, growth, and connection. If
Speaker 1: a path checks all three boxes, you'll probably thrive in it.
Speaker 1: If one or more is missing, you will eventually feel
Speaker 1: like there's a gap, no matter how successful you are
Speaker 1: on paper. So I hope I really do. Hope that
Speaker 1: these questions gave you as much clarity as they've given
Speaker 1: me in my life. Let me know if you try them,
Speaker 1: let me know if it helps you to make a
Speaker 1: decision that you've been wondering about, and give me some tips.
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you what has helped
Speaker 1: you or things that you've tried in your life where
Speaker 1: you've taken that leap through answering these questions and how
Speaker 1: it ended up for you. But thank you so much
Speaker 1: for listening, and hope you have a really wonderful day.