WEBVTT - Why is parenting so hard?

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Bill and Juliana the Podcast. Welcome to Bill

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<v Speaker 1>and Juliana the Podcast. And today we are tackling a

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<v Speaker 1>really important question. Why is parenting so hard? So hard?

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<v Speaker 1>So hard?

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, you know, I have to say, this is a

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<v Speaker 2>big episode. And here's the bottom line. Guys and a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of the parents out there feel this way. We're

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<v Speaker 2>more connected than ever, We're more informed than ever. Yet

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<v Speaker 2>most of us are completely exhausted and confused. So are

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<v Speaker 2>we doing too much? Are our kids just struggling more

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<v Speaker 2>than like our generation did? Does modern parenting just come

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<v Speaker 2>with a whole new set of challenges? So to help

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<v Speaker 2>us make sense of all of it, we are joined

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<v Speaker 2>now by someone that we is, you know, we feel

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<v Speaker 2>is a very trusted expert for us.

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<v Speaker 1>He's been very helpful for us, for our family.

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<v Speaker 2>I'll tell you how we met actually, but we are

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<v Speaker 2>joined by Mike McLeod. He's an expert in ADHD executive

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<v Speaker 2>functioning in child development. He has spent more than twenty

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<v Speaker 2>years helping kids.

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<v Speaker 1>Speak of the devil, that's our son calling, Oh my.

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<v Speaker 2>God, do you see Mike? Okay, So he has spent

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<v Speaker 2>more than twenty years helping kids and families thrive through

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<v Speaker 2>his fabulous company called grow Now ADHD. And that's actually

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<v Speaker 2>how I saw him on Instagram. I saw his Instagram.

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<v Speaker 1>He's an all around great guy. Yes as well, So Mike,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm really thrilled to have him here.

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<v Speaker 2>Thanks for being here today.

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<v Speaker 3>Thanks for having me. I'm so excited. I wish I

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<v Speaker 3>was there in person.

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<v Speaker 2>I know we wish you were here too. So Mike

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<v Speaker 2>was supposed to be here with us in Chicago in

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<v Speaker 2>our studio here, and unfortunately his flight got canceled from

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<v Speaker 2>Philly last night. There was a storm, right, Mike.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, that was It seemed like it was a really

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<v Speaker 4>bad storm, like a tornado watch and they I have

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<v Speaker 4>the old delay delay, delay, and then finally canceled it.

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<v Speaker 3>I waited as long as I could, but it just

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<v Speaker 3>didn't happen.

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<v Speaker 2>And you know what, you know, Mike is doing a

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<v Speaker 2>great job when the parents love him and even the

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<v Speaker 2>kid loves him. Because and let me tell you, Duke

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<v Speaker 2>doesn't love you every day. I'm gonna be honest with you.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, sometimes you push him too hard, he says,

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<v Speaker 2>and you know it gets him out of his comfort zone.

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<v Speaker 2>But that's where he grows. But I will say when

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<v Speaker 2>he heard you were coming to Chicago and he was

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<v Speaker 2>going to actually meet you in person, he was so excited,

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<v Speaker 2>so excited. And then today when we told him that

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<v Speaker 2>the flight got canceled, he was very sad.

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<v Speaker 1>Mike, I wouldn't. I mean, it was bumped, bumped sad.

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<v Speaker 1>Let's just go with the very sad, all right, We'll

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<v Speaker 1>go with that.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, definitely a little hot and cold there.

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<v Speaker 4>You can tell, uh, you know, if I'm going to

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<v Speaker 4>keep pushing him, obviously he's gonna he's gonna get annoyed

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<v Speaker 4>every now and then, and he.

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<v Speaker 3>Needs he needs to hear how it is.

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<v Speaker 4>Because that young man can do anything he sets his

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<v Speaker 4>mind to, and he needs someone to remind him. And

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<v Speaker 4>sometimes that can be a little frustrating.

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<v Speaker 2>So I came across Mike's amazing work on Instagram, where

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<v Speaker 2>I come across a lot of things. That's really why

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<v Speaker 2>we started this show, right Phil, Because of Instagram and

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<v Speaker 2>all the questions people have, and I saw Mike's videos

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<v Speaker 2>started kind of they got in my algorithm. Mike, you

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<v Speaker 2>got in my algorithm because I would always click on

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<v Speaker 2>this stuff about parenting, especially with kids, because I was

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<v Speaker 2>so confused, is my son you know, is executive functioning?

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<v Speaker 2>What does that mean? It sounds like all these things

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<v Speaker 2>people are saying about ADHD and executive functioning sounds a

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<v Speaker 2>lot like my thirteen year old son. And so I

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<v Speaker 2>started watching a lot of Mike's videos and then I

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<v Speaker 2>think I DMed you initially, and then we chatted with you,

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<v Speaker 2>and you've been amazing, you know, so many kids, as

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<v Speaker 2>I'm sure you will confirm. You know, it seems like

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<v Speaker 2>are just you know, our ADHD have have need work

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<v Speaker 2>with executive functioning. So let's just hop in, well, let's

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<v Speaker 2>start there.

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<v Speaker 1>The numbers don't lie. And is it just that we're

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<v Speaker 1>able to diagnose things better or has the world changed,

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<v Speaker 1>And you know, are the numbers really growing or have

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<v Speaker 1>they always been this bad? If you look at the

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<v Speaker 1>rate of ADHD, the rate of autism, you know, all

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<v Speaker 1>the things that are troubling our kids today, it's you know,

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<v Speaker 1>it's ten x from where it was forty years ago.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, so it's really a mix of both overall. You know,

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<v Speaker 4>we definitely have underdiagnosed in the past, especially with females,

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<v Speaker 4>young girls. We're sort of you know, weren't that stereotypical

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<v Speaker 4>hyperactive type much more? Uh, inattentive and more internalizing things.

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<v Speaker 4>So we definitely underdiagnosed in females and girls. And I

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<v Speaker 4>think now with you know, mom said it best as

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<v Speaker 4>as she usually does, we're very, uh extra informed now

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<v Speaker 4>and maybe we're a little.

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<v Speaker 3>Too informed where, you know.

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<v Speaker 4>I think now, especially with all the screens and this

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<v Speaker 4>attention economy we're in, Uh, it's hard to find someone

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<v Speaker 4>that doesn't think they have ADHD these days. Everyone's always like, oh,

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<v Speaker 4>I think I have it because it's one of those

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<v Speaker 4>like quirky little things. Uh, And all of our attention

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<v Speaker 4>has taken a real shot. So I think it's a

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<v Speaker 4>nice mix of overdiagnosing and underdiagnosing.

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<v Speaker 3>I think it's a little bit bit of both.

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<v Speaker 2>So Mike, from when you've started to today, I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>I imagine the demand is tenfold, right, Like I imagine you

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<v Speaker 2>must get so many people reaching out to you saying,

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<v Speaker 2>my son, I think my son has this, my daughter

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<v Speaker 2>has this? What do I do? Right? And I'm so

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<v Speaker 2>curious what are the questions you get the most? Like

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<v Speaker 2>what are a lot of parents feeling right now when

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<v Speaker 2>it comes to their kids, especially let's say, I mean

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<v Speaker 2>really any age kids, preteen, teen, young.

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<v Speaker 4>Kids, everything pretty much today with parenting revolves around I

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<v Speaker 4>need my kid to be more independent, because that's pretty

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<v Speaker 4>much what we're dealing with right here, is we're dealing

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<v Speaker 4>with a youth mental health crisis, a parenting crisis, and

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<v Speaker 4>a lot of this is due to the lack of

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<v Speaker 4>executive functioning skills, and these skills that are so crucial

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<v Speaker 4>to being able to take charge of your own life,

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<v Speaker 4>to execute, to notice and do, to not be so

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<v Speaker 4>prompt dependent on the adults in your life, the parents,

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<v Speaker 4>to be the executive functioning system for you. So so

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<v Speaker 4>many of these kids just need prompt after prompt after

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<v Speaker 4>prompt to get up in the morning and get to

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<v Speaker 4>school on time, to set play dates and start hanging

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<v Speaker 4>out with their friends, to get to bed on time,

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<v Speaker 4>to do their homework, to do basic chores. Parents are

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<v Speaker 4>just doing too much, and the mental load for you know,

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<v Speaker 4>most often is one of the parents, or sometimes both

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<v Speaker 4>of the parents, the absolute exhaustions. How many parents today,

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<v Speaker 4>how many parents listening to this podcast right now, are

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<v Speaker 4>the executive functioning system for their entire family, and they don't.

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<v Speaker 4>They never get a chance to take their parenting hat

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<v Speaker 4>off and just be themselves and hang out with their

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<v Speaker 4>friends and follow their interests. So what we're dealing with

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<v Speaker 4>right now is just how do I get my son

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<v Speaker 4>to be able to do more and for me to

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<v Speaker 4>do less? And that's all executive functioning.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, because it really does feel like every parent is

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<v Speaker 2>talking about this. You know, it's funny we're sending Duke

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<v Speaker 2>to camp for the first time.

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<v Speaker 1>Her your advice, Mike, that's right, helped kind of push

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<v Speaker 1>that along, So thank you.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and it's kind of like, yeah, he does not

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<v Speaker 2>want to go. He did not want to go. He's

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<v Speaker 2>coming around more of it.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, he started to realize it's not negotiable.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, he started realizing things like, well, am I supposed

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<v Speaker 2>to make my own bed? And I'm like yeah, and

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<v Speaker 2>he's like uh and okay, and how will I eat?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, you know, and what will I How am

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<v Speaker 2>I going to function in this world? And it's interesting

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<v Speaker 2>because for the reasons we're sending him to camp, or

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<v Speaker 2>the reasons we're seeing why he needs camp is because

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<v Speaker 2>he literally cannot do anything without a prompt from us.

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<v Speaker 2>And are you saying that that's what you're seeing? I

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<v Speaker 2>like how you said that, Like kids have to be

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<v Speaker 2>prompted more than ever. And is that why something like

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<v Speaker 2>camp is good for kids right and giving them those experiences.

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<v Speaker 4>And that's exactly it, because how many parents today are

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<v Speaker 4>operating under the constant mindset every second of every day.

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<v Speaker 4>They're thinking in their mind, nothing gets done unless I

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<v Speaker 4>step in, where the second you wake up, you know

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<v Speaker 4>your kid's not going to do anything unless you're there,

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<v Speaker 4>unless you're the audience. And we know how ADHD kids

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<v Speaker 4>are with an audience. That's where that's and all the

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<v Speaker 4>behaviors happen as they're getting that attention. So the parents

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<v Speaker 4>are just stuck in this anxiety trap where they know

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<v Speaker 4>that everything's going to fall apart unless I step in,

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<v Speaker 4>take charge and take control here, which then I refer

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<v Speaker 4>to this as the ADHD paradox, where the child basically

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<v Speaker 4>has these executive functioning challenges, is very prompt dependent and

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<v Speaker 4>instead of sort of figuring things out on their own,

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<v Speaker 4>having multipled adults in their lives hold them accountable like

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<v Speaker 4>we all had when we were kids. Now kids are

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<v Speaker 4>spending more time at home with their parents than ever before,

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<v Speaker 4>so the kid's very prompt dependent and the parent starts

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<v Speaker 4>to think nothing gets done unless I step in and

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<v Speaker 4>they unintentionally become a helicopter parent. They end up over prompting,

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<v Speaker 4>which then stimulates their negative attention stimulation. They get lots

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<v Speaker 4>of dopamine from negative attention and condoned and it just

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<v Speaker 4>feeds into this vicious cycle. So you know, that's really

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<v Speaker 4>what's happening is parents are stuck knowing that if I

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<v Speaker 4>don't help, everything's going to fall apart. But the overhelping

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<v Speaker 4>is making everything fall apart.

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<v Speaker 1>I want, I want to just take a step back.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, you've been doing this twenty years now. How

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<v Speaker 1>did you get into it? Like explain to people because

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<v Speaker 1>you were kind of, I guess a visionary. I mean

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<v Speaker 1>you saw the road, you know that we were going

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<v Speaker 1>down as a society. But just tell everyone kind of

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<v Speaker 1>how you got into this and how you've become such

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<v Speaker 1>an expert.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh sure, yeah.

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<v Speaker 4>So I always wanted to be a teacher, Like even

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<v Speaker 4>when I was a young kid. I used to do

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<v Speaker 4>tons of babysitting when I was a kid, and you know,

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<v Speaker 4>working with different camps and different groups.

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<v Speaker 3>So I always wanted to be a teacher.

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<v Speaker 4>My mom was a very very decorated teacher over in

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<v Speaker 4>Long Island where I grew up. So she taught at

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<v Speaker 4>the same high school where she went as a student

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<v Speaker 4>and then was there for decades and decades and was

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<v Speaker 4>the head of her department, and she would tutor kids

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<v Speaker 4>after school. So in the house I grew up, and

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<v Speaker 4>they were kids coming in and out constantly, and she

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<v Speaker 4>was tutor them for their SATs and their math regents

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<v Speaker 4>exams and all those different things. So I went in

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<v Speaker 4>to the School of Education for my undergrad and I eventually,

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<v Speaker 4>you know, down the road, ended up working at this

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<v Speaker 4>residential treatment facility in New York where kids lived full

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<v Speaker 4>time on campus because they had such complex needs, and

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<v Speaker 4>they also went to schools. They were pretty much never

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<v Speaker 4>with their parents. They were always in this residential facility

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<v Speaker 4>and I was able to work. I was one to

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<v Speaker 4>one with a student and he started to receive speech

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<v Speaker 4>and language therapy, and I realized, hey, I can work

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<v Speaker 4>with students one on one on skills that actually improve

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<v Speaker 4>their quality of life. It helps them, you know, interact

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<v Speaker 4>with better. It makes them feel better about themselves. Instead

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<v Speaker 4>of teaching them like math facts and the periodic table

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<v Speaker 4>and things they'll never use, I can actually teach them

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<v Speaker 4>things that make them feel good about themselves and improve.

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<v Speaker 3>Their quality of life.

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<v Speaker 4>So I went back to get my second bachelor's degree

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<v Speaker 4>in speech and language pathology.

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<v Speaker 3>So I was at speech and language pathologist.

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<v Speaker 4>I moved from New York to Philadelphia, and during my

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<v Speaker 4>first year as a speech pathologist, I was working with

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<v Speaker 4>this great organization that worked with boys and girls with

0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:14.240
<v Speaker 4>these different chromosomal disorders, and my supervisor wasn't a proxy

0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:17.760
<v Speaker 4>a specialist, and I found out that all the majority

0:11:17.760 --> 0:11:20.959
<v Speaker 4>of these kids also had ADHD, and I realized very

0:11:21.000 --> 0:11:24.720
<v Speaker 4>quickly that there's really nothing out there that's actually moving

0:11:24.720 --> 0:11:26.880
<v Speaker 4>the needle for these kids. They're being sent to all

0:11:26.920 --> 0:11:31.480
<v Speaker 4>these talk therapies and counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy DBT

0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:34.840
<v Speaker 4>social skills group, and nothing is helping them make friends

0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:37.560
<v Speaker 4>outside of the group. Nothing's helping them go to college,

0:11:37.600 --> 0:11:38.760
<v Speaker 4>nothing's helping them.

0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:39.520
<v Speaker 3>Achieve their goals.

0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:42.440
<v Speaker 4>And the parents are spending all these hours and all

0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:45.880
<v Speaker 4>their money on these therapies and counseling and nothing's helping.

0:11:46.280 --> 0:11:49.000
<v Speaker 4>So that's when I took a very huge deep dive

0:11:49.240 --> 0:11:53.200
<v Speaker 4>with all those doctors and neuropsychs down in DC and Annapolis, Maryland,

0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:55.000
<v Speaker 4>and I took a deep dive into the work of

0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:58.280
<v Speaker 4>doctor Russell Barkley, who's the worldwide leader on ADHD, who

0:11:58.320 --> 0:12:02.680
<v Speaker 4>just recently retired, doctor George McCloskey, Sarah Ward, Kristen Jacobson,

0:12:02.760 --> 0:12:05.679
<v Speaker 4>it's the great pioneers in this field. And I developed

0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:08.000
<v Speaker 4>the grow Now Internal Skills model. We did a year

0:12:08.040 --> 0:12:11.240
<v Speaker 4>long research study on it down here and everything's expanded

0:12:11.240 --> 0:12:12.800
<v Speaker 4>from there amazing.

0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:15.880
<v Speaker 2>So let's start at the beginning. Explain first and foremost

0:12:16.240 --> 0:12:20.240
<v Speaker 2>what is ADHD, or maybe I should say people know

0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:22.520
<v Speaker 2>what it means, but what are some of the symptoms

0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:24.600
<v Speaker 2>of ADHD, like what are some of the ways it

0:12:24.640 --> 0:12:27.559
<v Speaker 2>manifests itself? And then also executive functioning.

0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:29.920
<v Speaker 4>Of course, and that is a fantastic question because both

0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:34.160
<v Speaker 4>of those things are so incredibly misunderstood, because, first of all,

0:12:34.240 --> 0:12:38.480
<v Speaker 4>ADHD is not in attention disorder. It's not about attention,

0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:42.840
<v Speaker 4>it's not about hyperactivity, it's not about inattentiveness. ADHD, and

0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:46.480
<v Speaker 4>doctor rosso Barkley describes this better than anyone. ADHD is

0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:51.280
<v Speaker 4>a developmental disorder of executive functioning skills. So there's a

0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:54.200
<v Speaker 4>big a lot of discussion now of let's change ADHD

0:12:54.720 --> 0:13:00.640
<v Speaker 4>to EFDD executive functioning developmental disorder that's really what it's

0:13:00.640 --> 0:13:04.080
<v Speaker 4>all about. So ADHD is all about executive functioning. You

0:13:04.080 --> 0:13:07.400
<v Speaker 4>can have executive functioning challenges and not have ADHD. Sure

0:13:07.480 --> 0:13:11.040
<v Speaker 4>you can be depressed or have other primary diagnoses, but

0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:15.079
<v Speaker 4>if you have ADHD, you struggle with executive functions period

0:13:15.320 --> 0:13:19.040
<v Speaker 4>and executive functions are the most crucial set of skills

0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:22.440
<v Speaker 4>for all human beings to develop, the greatest predictor of

0:13:22.480 --> 0:13:26.440
<v Speaker 4>success for all human beings, Far greater than your grades,

0:13:26.520 --> 0:13:29.440
<v Speaker 4>your homework, your good looks like you two, all those

0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:33.120
<v Speaker 4>different things. It's all about executive functions. So you have

0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:35.920
<v Speaker 4>to have your executive functioning skills to be able to

0:13:36.600 --> 0:13:39.760
<v Speaker 4>live on your own, live independently, get a job, keep

0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:41.880
<v Speaker 4>a job, make friends, keep friends, all of that.

0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:44.239
<v Speaker 2>So what are some executive functions?

0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:47.520
<v Speaker 4>Yep, So most people hear the term executive functions and

0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:52.320
<v Speaker 4>they think time management, organization, messy backpacks, messy folders, and

0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:55.280
<v Speaker 4>that is an incredibly that is the smallest possible fraction

0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:59.600
<v Speaker 4>of what executive functions are. So I break down executive

0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:03.120
<v Speaker 4>functions into the four pillars of internal skills. The first

0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:06.440
<v Speaker 4>executive skill is self awareness, which is the very first

0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:09.160
<v Speaker 4>executive skill to develop. Do you guys, know what age

0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:11.400
<v Speaker 4>that starts? What age that develops self awareness?

0:14:11.559 --> 0:14:12.360
<v Speaker 2>Self awareness?

0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:16.959
<v Speaker 3>Three? Even younger, little tiny babies, little.

0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:19.200
<v Speaker 4>Babies start to realize, hey, wait a second, when I cry,

0:14:19.560 --> 0:14:20.240
<v Speaker 4>what happens?

0:14:20.440 --> 0:14:21.600
<v Speaker 1>Huh? I get what I want?

0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:22.320
<v Speaker 3>There you go.

0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:25.120
<v Speaker 4>Mom and dad come, They hold me, they sing to me.

0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:27.600
<v Speaker 4>And you know when I smile in Mom's face, Mom

0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:30.040
<v Speaker 4>smiles back. And they start to realize, hey, I have

0:14:30.080 --> 0:14:32.880
<v Speaker 4>an effect over my world. I can actually do things

0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:35.320
<v Speaker 4>that change the world around me. That's the beginning of

0:14:35.320 --> 0:14:39.000
<v Speaker 4>self awareness, the first executive skill to develop, but over

0:14:39.080 --> 0:14:41.640
<v Speaker 4>time becomes one of the most delayed. And that's the

0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:44.680
<v Speaker 4>real heartbreak of ADHD, right around those middle school years

0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:48.240
<v Speaker 4>when the lack of self awareness impacts them socially, so

0:14:48.280 --> 0:14:51.800
<v Speaker 4>because that can really really impact them in a big way.

0:14:52.160 --> 0:14:55.480
<v Speaker 4>And then the big one is self regulation, So the

0:14:55.560 --> 0:14:59.120
<v Speaker 4>ability to regulate your emotions, your language, your body, your

0:14:59.160 --> 0:15:04.440
<v Speaker 4>behavior in various environments towards various stimuli. So it's not hyperactivity,

0:15:04.640 --> 0:15:08.280
<v Speaker 4>it's the inability to regulate your body. It's not in attentiveness,

0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:10.320
<v Speaker 4>it's the inability to regulate your thoughts.

0:15:10.600 --> 0:15:11.720
<v Speaker 3>But really, at its.

0:15:11.560 --> 0:15:16.680
<v Speaker 4>Core, it is an emotional disregulation issue and doctor Russell

0:15:16.680 --> 0:15:18.320
<v Speaker 4>Barkley talks about this all the time. As you look

0:15:18.320 --> 0:15:22.040
<v Speaker 4>at the DSM, the Diagnostic Standards Manual of all the

0:15:22.120 --> 0:15:26.240
<v Speaker 4>criteria to get diagnosed with ADHD, it doesn't talk about emotions,

0:15:26.600 --> 0:15:31.400
<v Speaker 4>but ADHD is all about emotion management and emotion dysregulation.

0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:32.200
<v Speaker 3>That's the core of it.

0:15:33.040 --> 0:15:37.960
<v Speaker 4>And then of course self motivation towards non preferred tasks,

0:15:38.400 --> 0:15:42.760
<v Speaker 4>non screen based tasks, new tasks like camp and things

0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:46.040
<v Speaker 4>like that. Then self evaluation, the ability to learn from

0:15:46.080 --> 0:15:49.400
<v Speaker 4>past experiences apply it to the present and not repeat

0:15:49.440 --> 0:15:50.400
<v Speaker 4>mistakes over and over.

0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:51.360
<v Speaker 3>So the lack of.

0:15:51.360 --> 0:15:56.960
<v Speaker 4>Internal skills creates all those external symptoms we inappropriately focused

0:15:57.040 --> 0:15:58.280
<v Speaker 4>on for far too long.

0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:14.480
<v Speaker 2>So one thing that in working with Mike, I think

0:16:14.560 --> 0:16:19.000
<v Speaker 2>Bill and I found very surprising, right about the whole

0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:23.720
<v Speaker 2>kind of about executive functioning ADHD, is when you have

0:16:23.880 --> 0:16:28.600
<v Speaker 2>a kid who needs to strengthen his executive functioning has

0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:34.960
<v Speaker 2>some ADHD, you find that they have these big feelings

0:16:35.040 --> 0:16:39.600
<v Speaker 2>and big emotions. You hear about this with kids, and

0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:43.240
<v Speaker 2>they have these big feelings, big emotions, high highs, low lows,

0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:47.520
<v Speaker 2>and as a parent, you can't help but come to

0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:54.000
<v Speaker 2>the rescue of those big feelings and emotions, and Mike says,

0:16:57.920 --> 0:17:01.800
<v Speaker 2>that's what you should not be doing. What parents do

0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:03.680
<v Speaker 2>and what we think is our job is to like

0:17:04.640 --> 0:17:07.600
<v Speaker 2>talk to them about these emotions, reason with them, and

0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:11.080
<v Speaker 2>spend hours and you hear that. That's one of I think, Mike,

0:17:11.400 --> 0:17:13.159
<v Speaker 2>one of the reasons a lot of these parents are

0:17:13.160 --> 0:17:16.119
<v Speaker 2>so exhausted, and I probably learned this from you, is

0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:19.200
<v Speaker 2>because we're just all it feels like all day, we're

0:17:19.240 --> 0:17:24.280
<v Speaker 2>just like talking through this these like emotions, and a

0:17:24.320 --> 0:17:28.639
<v Speaker 2>lot of them are repetitive, right, like they like like

0:17:28.720 --> 0:17:30.520
<v Speaker 2>you think that you solved it two days ago, and

0:17:30.520 --> 0:17:32.480
<v Speaker 2>then it comes up again. And so Bill and I

0:17:32.480 --> 0:17:35.320
<v Speaker 2>thought like, oh my gosh, you know, are we failing

0:17:35.359 --> 0:17:37.199
<v Speaker 2>as parents? Are we not good parents? Are we not

0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:40.000
<v Speaker 2>listening enough? Are we not giving him the right solutions?

0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:42.080
<v Speaker 2>All this stuff? And then we go to Mike and

0:17:42.119 --> 0:17:45.040
<v Speaker 2>Mike goes, well, I'll let you talk Mike. But Mike

0:17:45.080 --> 0:17:47.919
<v Speaker 2>basically was like, hey, guys, no, no, no, you need

0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:51.320
<v Speaker 2>to back off. He knows exactly what he's doing. So

0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:56.480
<v Speaker 2>our son falls within these guidelines of ADHD's. He's he

0:17:56.760 --> 0:18:00.439
<v Speaker 2>uses a lot of these like big emotions in this

0:18:00.480 --> 0:18:03.720
<v Speaker 2>whole self awareness. When about self awareness, our son is

0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:09.480
<v Speaker 2>very self aware of what he can get are so, So, Mike,

0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:12.360
<v Speaker 2>talk a little bit about kind of when you hear

0:18:12.480 --> 0:18:14.479
<v Speaker 2>parents come to and they go, my gosh, you know,

0:18:14.520 --> 0:18:16.600
<v Speaker 2>I do everything I can. I talk to my kid,

0:18:16.680 --> 0:18:19.240
<v Speaker 2>I do everything I can. What is kind of your

0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:20.320
<v Speaker 2>first reaction when.

0:18:20.200 --> 0:18:22.640
<v Speaker 1>Your strategy, because you have a you gave us great

0:18:22.640 --> 0:18:24.159
<v Speaker 1>advice and I'd love for you to share that with

0:18:24.200 --> 0:18:24.880
<v Speaker 1>the people at home.

0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:25.440
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:18:25.600 --> 0:18:27.200
<v Speaker 4>First of all, one of my favorite things about working

0:18:27.240 --> 0:18:29.800
<v Speaker 4>with Duke is talking to him first and then talking

0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:31.159
<v Speaker 4>to the two of you. I feel like I'm in

0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:34.159
<v Speaker 4>like a time portal of like talking to the younger version.

0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:35.879
<v Speaker 3>And the older version. It's like it's the coolest thing

0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:37.840
<v Speaker 3>ever seeing the similarities and like.

0:18:37.880 --> 0:18:40.359
<v Speaker 4>It's just it's such a you guys have such a

0:18:40.400 --> 0:18:44.320
<v Speaker 4>close knit, beautiful family. It's the coolest thing ever. But

0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:47.560
<v Speaker 4>but just just overall, that's that's exactly what it is is.

0:18:47.960 --> 0:18:51.400
<v Speaker 4>You know, we are treating kids, and Jonathan Hyde talks

0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:54.159
<v Speaker 4>about this, the author of The The Anxious Generation, a

0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:58.000
<v Speaker 4>super popular book. We're treating kids as if they are fragile,

0:18:58.440 --> 0:19:01.440
<v Speaker 4>and that's exactly what social media is doing here is

0:19:01.480 --> 0:19:04.240
<v Speaker 4>we have to realize a lot of these parenting gurus

0:19:04.240 --> 0:19:08.199
<v Speaker 4>that are hitting your algorithm are parenting influencers, And what

0:19:08.359 --> 0:19:11.040
<v Speaker 4>are the videos that are going and the reals that

0:19:11.080 --> 0:19:13.720
<v Speaker 4>are going to get the most likes, shares and follows,

0:19:14.040 --> 0:19:17.400
<v Speaker 4>the ones that speak to your parenting hearts and pull

0:19:17.400 --> 0:19:20.360
<v Speaker 4>out your parenting heart strings. You know, the best advice

0:19:20.440 --> 0:19:23.159
<v Speaker 4>we get in life and that helps us in our career,

0:19:23.200 --> 0:19:27.720
<v Speaker 4>our relationships, parenting. The best advice isn't advice that's easy

0:19:27.760 --> 0:19:30.119
<v Speaker 4>to hear, like do you want help or do you

0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:32.479
<v Speaker 4>want to hug? Like do you want the real truth?

0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:34.679
<v Speaker 4>Or are you looking to have your kid in therapy

0:19:34.720 --> 0:19:37.320
<v Speaker 4>for years and years and years and years? Like therapy

0:19:37.359 --> 0:19:39.600
<v Speaker 4>is a trillion dollar industry in this country, and counseling

0:19:39.640 --> 0:19:42.159
<v Speaker 4>and all these different things. You know, we have to

0:19:42.200 --> 0:19:46.000
<v Speaker 4>be brutally honest with parents about screen time and negative

0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:49.600
<v Speaker 4>attention seeking and allowing our kids to experience life and

0:19:49.640 --> 0:19:53.640
<v Speaker 4>experience consequences. You know, we talk about these huge emotions,

0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:57.200
<v Speaker 4>but who's the one seeing, Like, who's the one seeing

0:19:57.200 --> 0:19:59.359
<v Speaker 4>these big emotions? Is it the people at school or

0:19:59.440 --> 0:19:59.960
<v Speaker 4>is it the parents?

0:20:00.400 --> 0:20:00.560
<v Speaker 1>Right?

0:20:00.840 --> 0:20:03.760
<v Speaker 2>So with us, Mike, as you know, it's interesting, like

0:20:03.760 --> 0:20:05.879
<v Speaker 2>I said that he's right. So Mike. One thing he

0:20:05.920 --> 0:20:10.479
<v Speaker 2>always points out about. We'll tell him something like an interaction, right,

0:20:10.520 --> 0:20:12.280
<v Speaker 2>a conversation we had with Duke where he had big

0:20:12.320 --> 0:20:15.520
<v Speaker 2>emotions and it was exhausting for all of us. And

0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:18.639
<v Speaker 2>then Michael say, but how was he at school that day?

0:20:18.920 --> 0:20:20.320
<v Speaker 2>How was he at school the next day? And We're

0:20:20.359 --> 0:20:23.879
<v Speaker 2>like perfect angel, and he goes okay. And so what

0:20:24.359 --> 0:20:27.080
<v Speaker 2>Mike is basically saying is like, you have to start

0:20:27.080 --> 0:20:30.760
<v Speaker 2>differentiating his behavior at home with the two of you

0:20:31.240 --> 0:20:34.960
<v Speaker 2>who are constantly giving him what he wants based on

0:20:35.240 --> 0:20:38.560
<v Speaker 2>his behavior. As opposed to the outside world. He acts

0:20:38.720 --> 0:20:41.760
<v Speaker 2>very differently because he's like, it's not going to work

0:20:41.800 --> 0:20:44.080
<v Speaker 2>out there. This isn't going to work out in the

0:20:44.119 --> 0:20:45.520
<v Speaker 2>real world, but it works at home.

0:20:45.960 --> 0:20:48.880
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, And sometimes I refer to it as like proximity

0:20:48.960 --> 0:20:51.399
<v Speaker 4>based ADHD, and I've discussed it with both of you before.

0:20:51.520 --> 0:20:55.800
<v Speaker 4>Is every step Duke takes away from you, guys, you

0:20:55.840 --> 0:20:57.040
<v Speaker 4>can basically just add.

0:20:56.880 --> 0:20:59.840
<v Speaker 3>A point to his maturity and his behavior. That's exactly it.

0:21:00.040 --> 0:21:04.400
<v Speaker 4>And everyone associates ADHD with school and studying and grades,

0:21:04.760 --> 0:21:08.200
<v Speaker 4>but it's the home. It's the parents that always get

0:21:08.200 --> 0:21:11.200
<v Speaker 4>the worst of the behaviors. It's not a school based problem.

0:21:11.520 --> 0:21:14.480
<v Speaker 4>It's a home based issue because that black and white,

0:21:14.640 --> 0:21:17.960
<v Speaker 4>very rigid ADHD brain of this is good, this is bad,

0:21:18.040 --> 0:21:20.760
<v Speaker 4>this is fun, this is stupid, has a very hard

0:21:20.840 --> 0:21:25.959
<v Speaker 4>time comprehending this concept of unconditional love. The most you know,

0:21:26.040 --> 0:21:29.600
<v Speaker 4>the most gray area thing there possibly is. So the

0:21:30.119 --> 0:21:34.080
<v Speaker 4>only unconditional relationships they have is mom and dad. So

0:21:34.240 --> 0:21:36.760
<v Speaker 4>in their mind, it's, you know, here is this person

0:21:37.119 --> 0:21:40.640
<v Speaker 4>that I could say basically unspeakable things to. I can

0:21:40.760 --> 0:21:43.320
<v Speaker 4>say no to every single thing they asked me to do,

0:21:43.800 --> 0:21:45.320
<v Speaker 4>and they're still going to tuck me in at night

0:21:45.640 --> 0:21:47.520
<v Speaker 4>and give me the Wi Fi password and do this

0:21:47.600 --> 0:21:50.160
<v Speaker 4>and do that. They have a very hard time comprehending

0:21:50.280 --> 0:21:53.160
<v Speaker 4>unconditional love in an unstructured environment.

0:21:53.400 --> 0:21:56.399
<v Speaker 3>Then they go to school and it's structured.

0:21:56.080 --> 0:21:58.639
<v Speaker 4>It's they know what to expect, but it's also filled

0:21:58.680 --> 0:22:01.960
<v Speaker 4>with conditional relations and chips and they respond really well

0:22:02.000 --> 0:22:02.280
<v Speaker 4>to that.

0:22:02.560 --> 0:22:04.400
<v Speaker 3>And if they can do it at school, they can

0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:05.000
<v Speaker 3>do it at home.

0:22:06.000 --> 0:22:09.600
<v Speaker 1>You once said, you know, it's oftentimes a parenting problem,

0:22:09.800 --> 0:22:12.240
<v Speaker 1>and not that they're neglecting their kids, but that the

0:22:12.320 --> 0:22:15.040
<v Speaker 1>parents aren't coached. Right, So how much of your job

0:22:15.119 --> 0:22:19.159
<v Speaker 1>is coaching the parents? Because it's you know, when parents

0:22:19.200 --> 0:22:22.400
<v Speaker 1>react a certain way, they're putting fuel on the fire, right,

0:22:22.440 --> 0:22:27.040
<v Speaker 1>and they're perpetuating these behaviors and everything that's happening with

0:22:27.080 --> 0:22:31.600
<v Speaker 1>their children. So you know, is it more the parents

0:22:31.720 --> 0:22:33.960
<v Speaker 1>or is it the kid? Like chicken or egg?

0:22:34.520 --> 0:22:38.280
<v Speaker 4>The number one most evidence based treatment for kids and

0:22:38.359 --> 0:22:41.320
<v Speaker 4>teens nineteen years in below the most science, the most

0:22:41.359 --> 0:22:45.000
<v Speaker 4>research that shows the most progress for ADHD and executive

0:22:45.040 --> 0:22:49.359
<v Speaker 4>dysfunction is parent training. There's nothing has more research to

0:22:49.400 --> 0:22:52.320
<v Speaker 4>back it up. It is always parent behavior training, and

0:22:52.359 --> 0:22:54.840
<v Speaker 4>that's where you see the majority of the progress because

0:22:54.840 --> 0:22:57.560
<v Speaker 4>so many parents just get stuck of why won't my

0:22:57.760 --> 0:23:00.680
<v Speaker 4>child just do the task? Why won't they just do

0:23:00.760 --> 0:23:03.280
<v Speaker 4>what I asked them to do. Let's reframe that a

0:23:03.320 --> 0:23:06.240
<v Speaker 4>little bit. Instead of saying why won't they do the task?

0:23:06.720 --> 0:23:10.520
<v Speaker 4>What are they doing instead of the task? Are screens

0:23:10.680 --> 0:23:13.240
<v Speaker 4>available to them? Every day I have a conversation, why

0:23:13.320 --> 0:23:15.399
<v Speaker 4>won't my son do his chores? Why won't he go

0:23:15.480 --> 0:23:17.520
<v Speaker 4>out with friends? Why won't he do his homework? What's

0:23:17.520 --> 0:23:19.320
<v Speaker 4>he doing instead? Oh, he's on his phone. Well, there

0:23:19.359 --> 0:23:22.080
<v Speaker 4>you go, he's going to do that? And then is

0:23:22.280 --> 0:23:25.280
<v Speaker 4>conflict available to them? Are they able to get dopamine

0:23:25.280 --> 0:23:27.760
<v Speaker 4>through conflict, What is the environment happening, what's how can

0:23:27.920 --> 0:23:31.160
<v Speaker 4>how can we best you know, train these individuals. That's

0:23:31.160 --> 0:23:34.160
<v Speaker 4>why I titled my book the Executive Functioning Playbook, because

0:23:34.200 --> 0:23:38.399
<v Speaker 4>parents needed a true playbook on how to best deal

0:23:38.840 --> 0:23:41.080
<v Speaker 4>and best parent these kids, because you can't really go

0:23:41.119 --> 0:23:44.840
<v Speaker 4>off of your parenting instincts when there is this executive dysfunction.

0:23:45.280 --> 0:23:48.120
<v Speaker 1>So if parents read that book, you feel that they'll

0:23:48.160 --> 0:23:51.800
<v Speaker 1>be armed for warfare so to speak.

0:23:52.119 --> 0:23:53.600
<v Speaker 3>Ready to go, Okay, good, So.

0:23:53.560 --> 0:23:54.840
<v Speaker 1>We're going to we're going to read that. We're going

0:23:54.920 --> 0:23:58.560
<v Speaker 1>Julianna going to vacation. Well, he's on a camp. We're

0:23:58.560 --> 0:24:00.639
<v Speaker 1>going to read that then cover to cover, yes, and

0:24:00.680 --> 0:24:01.720
<v Speaker 1>hopefully we're going to come back.

0:24:02.080 --> 0:24:04.200
<v Speaker 2>But I did start reading it and then I agree,

0:24:04.240 --> 0:24:05.960
<v Speaker 2>I think we have to read it together as a couple.

0:24:06.000 --> 0:24:08.639
<v Speaker 2>And then also there's a workbook that goes with it

0:24:08.680 --> 0:24:11.399
<v Speaker 2>as well. Might that you also get the workbook. I

0:24:11.400 --> 0:24:14.240
<v Speaker 2>have the workbook I got on Amazon, and yeah, no,

0:24:14.320 --> 0:24:17.800
<v Speaker 2>it's great because I agree your parents' parent training is

0:24:18.040 --> 0:24:19.960
<v Speaker 2>so essential, which we discovered Mike.

0:24:20.000 --> 0:24:21.479
<v Speaker 1>One of the things that we love to do on

0:24:21.560 --> 0:24:25.840
<v Speaker 1>the on Bill and julian of the podcast is debunk

0:24:26.000 --> 0:24:28.520
<v Speaker 1>a lot of the myths that are on Instagram reels

0:24:28.520 --> 0:24:30.880
<v Speaker 1>and TikTok and all this. And I see so much

0:24:31.440 --> 0:24:36.040
<v Speaker 1>about give your kid. What's that one thing we tried it?

0:24:36.840 --> 0:24:38.880
<v Speaker 1>Oh the herb or whatever that you're.

0:24:38.680 --> 0:24:41.399
<v Speaker 2>Giving saffron doing it too. I'm taking it too.

0:24:41.440 --> 0:24:46.000
<v Speaker 1>Oh how important is diet and and all these supplements

0:24:46.040 --> 0:24:48.800
<v Speaker 1>and detox this and heavy metals that and blah blah.

0:24:48.800 --> 0:24:51.720
<v Speaker 1>I mean, like, I don't my head spins because everyone

0:24:52.280 --> 0:24:54.080
<v Speaker 1>is an expert on the internet.

0:24:54.520 --> 0:24:59.159
<v Speaker 4>You got you got that right, so die, It's important

0:24:59.200 --> 0:25:02.240
<v Speaker 4>for everybody's Like you want to live your to your

0:25:02.240 --> 0:25:05.840
<v Speaker 4>optimal stage of development in life. Diet is very very

0:25:05.840 --> 0:25:10.520
<v Speaker 4>important process. Foods are going to negatively impact everyone. But

0:25:10.680 --> 0:25:12.919
<v Speaker 4>at the end of the day, ADHD is brain based.

0:25:13.000 --> 0:25:16.240
<v Speaker 4>ADHD is something is genetic. You are most often born

0:25:16.320 --> 0:25:18.880
<v Speaker 4>with it. There's a lot of talk about the elimination

0:25:19.080 --> 0:25:23.359
<v Speaker 4>diet and all these different things. There's very very little research,

0:25:23.640 --> 0:25:26.760
<v Speaker 4>like real, true, peer reviewed research to back up any

0:25:26.800 --> 0:25:30.000
<v Speaker 4>of these supplements or elimination or anything like that. At

0:25:30.040 --> 0:25:33.680
<v Speaker 4>the end of the day, executive function is strengthened through

0:25:33.880 --> 0:25:39.480
<v Speaker 4>varied experiences and interpersonal relationships. There is nothing arc ADHD

0:25:39.600 --> 0:25:44.200
<v Speaker 4>kids and teens more than doing different things every single day,

0:25:44.720 --> 0:25:50.200
<v Speaker 4>going outside and playing in nature, exercise and having real

0:25:50.280 --> 0:25:53.520
<v Speaker 4>face to face experiences. It's not a coincidence that we're

0:25:53.520 --> 0:25:57.240
<v Speaker 4>seeing all that we're seeing ADHD diagnoses skyrocketing. We're in

0:25:57.240 --> 0:26:00.119
<v Speaker 4>the middle of this horrible youth mental health crisis. We

0:26:00.160 --> 0:26:02.760
<v Speaker 4>just saw Meta and everyone on trial. We just saw

0:26:02.760 --> 0:26:06.200
<v Speaker 4>all these different things, you know, in this era of screens,

0:26:06.760 --> 0:26:08.919
<v Speaker 4>when you know the real issue with screens is they

0:26:09.000 --> 0:26:11.399
<v Speaker 4>keep kids indoors. You know, back in the day, you

0:26:11.440 --> 0:26:13.120
<v Speaker 4>used to come home from school, get on your bike

0:26:13.160 --> 0:26:15.120
<v Speaker 4>and you know, be home by dinner time and make

0:26:15.119 --> 0:26:17.280
<v Speaker 4>it there without a GPS and just you know, be

0:26:17.400 --> 0:26:19.240
<v Speaker 4>home when the street lights come on and figure it out.

0:26:19.320 --> 0:26:22.520
<v Speaker 4>No no air tag in your shoe, no life three sixty,

0:26:22.520 --> 0:26:24.200
<v Speaker 4>none of those things is figure it out and come home.

0:26:24.600 --> 0:26:27.119
<v Speaker 4>And we would just we were bored a lot. And

0:26:27.200 --> 0:26:29.080
<v Speaker 4>what do you do when your board? We use our

0:26:29.119 --> 0:26:33.480
<v Speaker 4>imagination what's a fancy term for your imagination? Executive functions,

0:26:33.720 --> 0:26:36.359
<v Speaker 4>the ability to make mental movies and imagine things and

0:26:36.400 --> 0:26:40.040
<v Speaker 4>work towards those images. So back in the day, kids played,

0:26:40.440 --> 0:26:44.320
<v Speaker 4>they went outside, They had tons of social interactions every day,

0:26:44.320 --> 0:26:46.280
<v Speaker 4>they did things they didn't want to do it.

0:26:46.560 --> 0:26:48.960
<v Speaker 3>It's those are the things that are going to build.

0:26:48.800 --> 0:26:53.240
<v Speaker 4>Grit and resilience and self regulation and self soothing. So like,

0:26:53.520 --> 0:26:55.280
<v Speaker 4>people are always looking for that quick fix, and you

0:26:55.320 --> 0:26:56.080
<v Speaker 4>can't blame them.

0:26:56.280 --> 0:26:58.360
<v Speaker 3>We live in an instant gratification society now.

0:26:58.760 --> 0:27:00.920
<v Speaker 1>So our son eating a bowl of cinnamon Toa's crunch

0:27:00.920 --> 0:27:05.440
<v Speaker 1>every night before it goes to bed is okay, There's.

0:27:05.320 --> 0:27:07.520
<v Speaker 3>There's other options. I would I would prefer their mama

0:27:07.560 --> 0:27:08.480
<v Speaker 3>the pandy please.

0:27:08.680 --> 0:27:12.240
<v Speaker 1>Yes, wow, I love your way to name that. Parents

0:27:12.280 --> 0:27:14.480
<v Speaker 1>want to be their kid's best friend, right well, and

0:27:14.520 --> 0:27:16.080
<v Speaker 1>I think that's a problem. Perfect They want to be

0:27:16.080 --> 0:27:18.480
<v Speaker 1>the cool parents. Yes, they want to be the you know,

0:27:18.600 --> 0:27:21.160
<v Speaker 1>like I'm I'm cool, right yeah.

0:27:21.200 --> 0:27:22.520
<v Speaker 3>And that's what social media is doing.

0:27:22.560 --> 0:27:24.960
<v Speaker 4>It's the the immense pressure on parents from all these

0:27:25.000 --> 0:27:27.840
<v Speaker 4>parenting gurus. It's not normal to pick up your phone

0:27:27.880 --> 0:27:30.320
<v Speaker 4>twenty times a day and every time you open Instagram

0:27:30.320 --> 0:27:33.520
<v Speaker 4>it's another parenting person yelling at you about this concept of.

0:27:33.480 --> 0:27:34.359
<v Speaker 3>The perfect parent.

0:27:34.800 --> 0:27:37.880
<v Speaker 4>You know, parenting is always has always been that phenomenon

0:27:38.280 --> 0:27:40.960
<v Speaker 4>of the more work you put in, it actually gets

0:27:41.040 --> 0:27:43.919
<v Speaker 4>kind of kind of harder. It's always that thing like like,

0:27:44.560 --> 0:27:46.800
<v Speaker 4>let's talk about this right now, both of you. You know,

0:27:46.960 --> 0:27:50.920
<v Speaker 4>very successful, you uh many many goals reached. You've accomplished

0:27:50.960 --> 0:27:53.880
<v Speaker 4>many goals and done many great things. Parenting's probably number

0:27:53.920 --> 0:27:55.520
<v Speaker 4>one on the list in terms of hardest things you've

0:27:55.560 --> 0:27:55.920
<v Speaker 4>ever done.

0:27:56.000 --> 0:27:58.760
<v Speaker 1>Correct, not even a question there you go.

0:27:59.040 --> 0:28:01.280
<v Speaker 4>So, of all the things you've done, all the different

0:28:01.359 --> 0:28:04.320
<v Speaker 4>jars you've reached out to, parenting is the number one

0:28:04.400 --> 0:28:06.960
<v Speaker 4>thing that has been the most difficult thing. And that's

0:28:07.000 --> 0:28:09.000
<v Speaker 4>what it is. So it's not about you know who

0:28:09.040 --> 0:28:11.720
<v Speaker 4>you are, whatever it is. Raising a human being is

0:28:11.760 --> 0:28:14.919
<v Speaker 4>an imperfect science. And the more we push this concept

0:28:14.960 --> 0:28:18.280
<v Speaker 4>of the perfect parent on parents, we're creating parenting burnout.

0:28:18.440 --> 0:28:26.520
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, there is parenting burnout.

0:28:32.520 --> 0:28:35.199
<v Speaker 4>The number one tip doctor Russell Barkley talks about this

0:28:35.280 --> 0:28:42.360
<v Speaker 4>everything is use ninety percent less language. Language makes dysregulation worse.

0:28:42.400 --> 0:28:45.600
<v Speaker 4>The more you talk, expect bigger behaviors.

0:28:45.880 --> 0:28:47.000
<v Speaker 3>Talking, talking, talking.

0:28:47.040 --> 0:28:49.360
<v Speaker 4>We all watched a little too much Full House growing

0:28:49.440 --> 0:28:51.640
<v Speaker 4>up with all those heart to hearts with Bob Saggett

0:28:51.640 --> 0:28:52.800
<v Speaker 4>on the end of the bed and all the talking

0:28:52.880 --> 0:28:53.479
<v Speaker 4>and the talking.

0:28:53.720 --> 0:28:56.560
<v Speaker 3>That's not going to work with today's generation. The talking.

0:28:56.600 --> 0:28:59.479
<v Speaker 3>The examples of this that all of that. I had

0:28:59.480 --> 0:29:00.200
<v Speaker 3>a video I was.

0:29:00.240 --> 0:29:03.240
<v Speaker 4>Very powerful a couple of months ago about hey, it's

0:29:03.320 --> 0:29:06.760
<v Speaker 4>time we bring back because I said so like our

0:29:06.800 --> 0:29:09.120
<v Speaker 4>parents said it, we accepted it, we moved on. Some

0:29:09.160 --> 0:29:12.520
<v Speaker 4>things don't need an explanation, you know, Dad said it earlier.

0:29:12.760 --> 0:29:15.400
<v Speaker 4>Everyone's trying to be their kid's best friend now, and

0:29:15.440 --> 0:29:17.440
<v Speaker 4>that's because of all the parenting pressures. And you see

0:29:17.520 --> 0:29:20.480
<v Speaker 4>videos of inside people's homes and all these different things.

0:29:20.840 --> 0:29:24.080
<v Speaker 4>So and parents are being taught that all of these

0:29:24.120 --> 0:29:28.880
<v Speaker 4>emotions are their responsibility. If my kids says I don't

0:29:28.920 --> 0:29:31.520
<v Speaker 4>like you, or gets angry or gets upset or gets anxious,

0:29:31.720 --> 0:29:35.440
<v Speaker 4>it's my responsibility to fix those emotions. And when you

0:29:36.200 --> 0:29:39.959
<v Speaker 4>make it your responsibility to ease your kid's emotions, how

0:29:40.000 --> 0:29:41.360
<v Speaker 4>are they ever going to learn to do that on

0:29:41.400 --> 0:29:44.080
<v Speaker 4>their own? You know, the rule of all of parenting is,

0:29:44.480 --> 0:29:47.600
<v Speaker 4>let's give this kid the skills because eventually I'm not

0:29:47.640 --> 0:29:49.800
<v Speaker 4>going to be there to help them, and we forget.

0:29:49.480 --> 0:29:51.720
<v Speaker 3>That sometimes that's the biggest thing.

0:29:52.120 --> 0:29:55.000
<v Speaker 4>So, so we need to realize, you know, not everything

0:29:55.080 --> 0:29:59.840
<v Speaker 4>needs an explanation. Not everything needs all these words words words.

0:30:00.160 --> 0:30:03.480
<v Speaker 2>So less words. Mike really, Mike really taught Bill and

0:30:03.520 --> 0:30:07.120
<v Speaker 2>I that that. I think that especially Bill, because Bill

0:30:07.240 --> 0:30:10.960
<v Speaker 2>is such an amazing dad. He's like Duke is like,

0:30:11.120 --> 0:30:14.560
<v Speaker 2>loves him so much. He's just the greatest dad to Duke.

0:30:14.920 --> 0:30:17.560
<v Speaker 2>And so what Duke does is when Duke wants something,

0:30:18.080 --> 0:30:20.480
<v Speaker 2>he goes to Bill. But it doesn't just like hey,

0:30:20.640 --> 0:30:23.040
<v Speaker 2>It's not like hey, Dad, I would like this new

0:30:23.040 --> 0:30:27.000
<v Speaker 2>Pokemon card. It's very like, Oh, I'm having the worst

0:30:27.040 --> 0:30:30.200
<v Speaker 2>day I buy life. What's wrong, Duke? Oh my god, Dad,

0:30:30.240 --> 0:30:32.280
<v Speaker 2>I don't know. I'm just down. Oh my god, Oh

0:30:32.320 --> 0:30:34.080
<v Speaker 2>my god. How can I save you? Let me rescue

0:30:34.440 --> 0:30:35.240
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god? What could I do?

0:30:35.320 --> 0:30:35.480
<v Speaker 1>Duke?

0:30:35.560 --> 0:30:37.960
<v Speaker 2>Let's talk about if I just had a Pokemon card,

0:30:37.960 --> 0:30:39.920
<v Speaker 2>I'd feel so much better. Okay, Duke, That's all it

0:30:39.960 --> 0:30:41.880
<v Speaker 2>takes is a Pokemon card. I'll give you the Pokemon card.

0:30:42.160 --> 0:30:44.400
<v Speaker 2>It's like this continuous you know, but it comes from

0:30:44.440 --> 0:30:47.000
<v Speaker 2>blas Like. It's not just Duke asking us.

0:30:47.000 --> 0:30:50.080
<v Speaker 4>His self awareness. His self awareness is off the chart,

0:30:50.680 --> 0:30:51.520
<v Speaker 4>off the charts.

0:30:51.320 --> 0:30:55.080
<v Speaker 2>Meaning he has learned how to push push our buttons,

0:30:55.400 --> 0:30:59.720
<v Speaker 2>how to create this huge dramatic thing to get it,

0:30:59.800 --> 0:31:02.040
<v Speaker 2>and he tricks us so much of the time because

0:31:02.040 --> 0:31:03.880
<v Speaker 2>at the end we go, oh my god, we just got.

0:31:04.320 --> 0:31:05.479
<v Speaker 1>He just played us, We just got.

0:31:05.880 --> 0:31:08.840
<v Speaker 2>He did all of that and made it like this

0:31:08.960 --> 0:31:12.400
<v Speaker 2>whole emotional thing that and really at the end of

0:31:12.440 --> 0:31:14.560
<v Speaker 2>the day, he was just trying to get from A

0:31:14.640 --> 0:31:16.120
<v Speaker 2>to B. He was just trying to get us to

0:31:16.160 --> 0:31:18.120
<v Speaker 2>agree to something that we had not agree to it.

0:31:18.880 --> 0:31:22.080
<v Speaker 1>He's able to play chess. We're playing checkers. He's playing chess.

0:31:22.160 --> 0:31:25.200
<v Speaker 2>Yes, And so it's kind of fascinating. So what Mike

0:31:25.280 --> 0:31:27.600
<v Speaker 2>always tells us, you guys, and if your kids like

0:31:27.680 --> 0:31:31.120
<v Speaker 2>this too, and this is resonating. He says, what we

0:31:31.200 --> 0:31:33.280
<v Speaker 2>do and I do this better than Bill because we

0:31:33.320 --> 0:31:36.760
<v Speaker 2>know we've talked about this right with Mike and and

0:31:36.760 --> 0:31:38.840
<v Speaker 2>and I've tried to get even better at this. But

0:31:38.880 --> 0:31:41.400
<v Speaker 2>it's like less words. Mike is so right, Like I

0:31:41.440 --> 0:31:45.320
<v Speaker 2>am very much like a less words person in life, Like, oh,

0:31:45.360 --> 0:31:46.000
<v Speaker 2>I know I talk.

0:31:45.880 --> 0:31:50.760
<v Speaker 1>A lot on this pod, said no one ever this

0:31:50.800 --> 0:31:53.440
<v Speaker 1>podcast literally so shy.

0:31:54.000 --> 0:31:59.320
<v Speaker 2>I never speak. I'm very much like I'm like my parents,

0:31:59.360 --> 0:32:02.239
<v Speaker 2>you know, I'm very much no Triana, no like just no,

0:32:02.640 --> 0:32:05.000
<v Speaker 2>I'm like that with Duke, like Ducal come in, I'm like, no, Duke,

0:32:05.360 --> 0:32:09.000
<v Speaker 2>not getting it. Sorry, And he gets and gets all

0:32:09.040 --> 0:32:12.120
<v Speaker 2>mad with Bill. It's like, and I go, Bill, why

0:32:12.160 --> 0:32:14.560
<v Speaker 2>are you? Why are you using all these words? Stop

0:32:14.640 --> 0:32:17.880
<v Speaker 2>talking to him for an hour about this. He's just

0:32:18.000 --> 0:32:19.800
<v Speaker 2>playing you and trying to get what he wants. No,

0:32:20.000 --> 0:32:22.920
<v Speaker 2>but I think he's really upset, right, Mike, Like that's

0:32:22.960 --> 0:32:26.000
<v Speaker 2>where parents their heart starts, like they're like, what if

0:32:26.000 --> 0:32:29.840
<v Speaker 2>my kid is actually really upset and something's going on,

0:32:30.040 --> 0:32:32.680
<v Speaker 2>and then you feel like you're being cold to them.

0:32:32.800 --> 0:32:35.720
<v Speaker 1>Well, yeah, right, that will save this for the next episode.

0:32:35.800 --> 0:32:36.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm just asking.

0:32:36.480 --> 0:32:39.480
<v Speaker 4>I want to know this young man is an absolute genius.

0:32:39.800 --> 0:32:42.160
<v Speaker 4>That's exactly what it is he has. He has the

0:32:42.200 --> 0:32:45.600
<v Speaker 4>gift of gab, the gift of charm. He has both.

0:32:45.680 --> 0:32:48.440
<v Speaker 4>He has the good positive qualities of both of you

0:32:48.760 --> 0:32:50.080
<v Speaker 4>in a thirteen year old's body.

0:32:50.080 --> 0:32:51.120
<v Speaker 3>That's exactly what it is.

0:32:51.160 --> 0:32:53.880
<v Speaker 4>Like he lights up a room, he knows exactly what

0:32:53.960 --> 0:32:57.440
<v Speaker 4>it is, he knows exactly what he's doing, and everything

0:32:57.560 --> 0:33:01.360
<v Speaker 4>is about attention and an audience. He knows to make

0:33:01.400 --> 0:33:04.000
<v Speaker 4>it seem like he wants a material good or a

0:33:04.040 --> 0:33:07.840
<v Speaker 4>thing or an event, but it's looking for the audience.

0:33:07.840 --> 0:33:11.640
<v Speaker 4>It's looking for that attention. So whether it's sympathy seeking

0:33:11.800 --> 0:33:15.480
<v Speaker 4>or negative attention seeking or whatever, it may be it's

0:33:15.520 --> 0:33:18.720
<v Speaker 4>to just have an audience to have those things there,

0:33:19.040 --> 0:33:21.400
<v Speaker 4>like that old saying of if a tree falls in

0:33:21.440 --> 0:33:23.680
<v Speaker 4>the woods and no one's around to hear, it doesn't

0:33:23.720 --> 0:33:25.720
<v Speaker 4>make a sound. If mom and dad aren't in the

0:33:25.720 --> 0:33:28.640
<v Speaker 4>same room, is there a behavior? And that's exactly it.

0:33:28.720 --> 0:33:30.720
<v Speaker 4>So like when you see this young man going to

0:33:30.840 --> 0:33:33.600
<v Speaker 4>all these different places, and parents need to think about

0:33:33.600 --> 0:33:33.960
<v Speaker 4>this too.

0:33:34.480 --> 0:33:35.720
<v Speaker 3>Like so many.

0:33:35.520 --> 0:33:38.640
<v Speaker 4>Parents will call the school and describe their kid at home,

0:33:39.000 --> 0:33:40.560
<v Speaker 4>and the school's like, are we.

0:33:40.560 --> 0:33:43.480
<v Speaker 3>Talking about the same kid here? Like he's an angel here?

0:33:43.520 --> 0:33:44.600
<v Speaker 3>What are you talking about?

0:33:44.640 --> 0:33:46.760
<v Speaker 4>And then the parents describe at home and it's like

0:33:47.200 --> 0:33:50.680
<v Speaker 4>really really scary things because these kids know that if

0:33:50.680 --> 0:33:54.720
<v Speaker 4>it stays a secret of the home and there's no coach, teacher,

0:33:54.920 --> 0:33:58.840
<v Speaker 4>social worker, taekwondo master, whatever it may be to hold

0:33:58.840 --> 0:34:01.400
<v Speaker 4>them accountable and talk them about it, then they're just

0:34:01.400 --> 0:34:03.560
<v Speaker 4>going to keep getting away with it because it works.

0:34:03.840 --> 0:34:06.840
<v Speaker 4>It's just to do what works, and if getting negative,

0:34:06.880 --> 0:34:09.120
<v Speaker 4>negative attention works, they're going to do it. It's the

0:34:09.160 --> 0:34:11.520
<v Speaker 4>same thing as opening a cupboard and seeing a treat

0:34:11.520 --> 0:34:12.040
<v Speaker 4>and needing it.

0:34:12.440 --> 0:34:14.640
<v Speaker 3>They do what works, and it works.

0:34:15.400 --> 0:34:17.839
<v Speaker 1>Mike, thank you so much for your time. This is great.

0:34:17.880 --> 0:34:20.000
<v Speaker 1>We're going to have you in person. If people want

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<v Speaker 1>to get your book, where can they go get your book?

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<v Speaker 3>So the book is available everywhere.

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<v Speaker 4>You can find it on Amazon, the Executive Functioning Playbook,

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<v Speaker 4>and the Executive Functioning Playbook and Action Barnes and Nobles, Amazon,

0:34:30.880 --> 0:34:31.839
<v Speaker 4>wherever books are sold.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, check it out. And then also follow him on

0:34:36.000 --> 0:34:40.600
<v Speaker 2>Instagram brow now adhd. That's how I found him on

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<v Speaker 2>Instagram and he's amazing and you post videos all the

0:34:44.080 --> 0:34:47.040
<v Speaker 2>time better. Yeah, And then of course you can reach

0:34:47.080 --> 0:34:49.600
<v Speaker 2>out to him, DM him or go on his website.

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<v Speaker 2>And you can.

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<v Speaker 1>Also if we want him busy but not too busy

0:34:53.160 --> 0:34:55.160
<v Speaker 1>session book a.

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<v Speaker 2>Session for yourself. I have recommended my friends to him.

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<v Speaker 2>We do zoom.

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<v Speaker 1>We don't forget about us, Mike when.

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<v Speaker 2>You're we do zooms. We do zooms with him and

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<v Speaker 2>it's very very effective. Sometimes we break down the zoom.

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<v Speaker 2>It'll be like forty five minutes Duke will do and

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<v Speaker 2>then fifteen minutes us at the end, or thirty minutes,

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<v Speaker 2>thirty minutes.

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<v Speaker 1>Which we're going to do more parent coaching.

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<v Speaker 2>I think, yeah, we need more parent coaching.

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<v Speaker 4>We are Yeah, you guys need to do more and

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<v Speaker 4>more of these parenting episodes, like the two of you

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<v Speaker 4>are like obviously like parenting is a stressful thing, but

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<v Speaker 4>the two of you are just such incredible parents. The

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<v Speaker 4>more that you two talk about your parenting experiences, I

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<v Speaker 4>think I think the two of you doing more parenting

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<v Speaker 4>episodes is what's going to cure this parenting burnout.

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<v Speaker 1>Christ It's a work in progress. Thank you, thank you.

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<v Speaker 2>We're honest about it. We're not acting like we know

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<v Speaker 2>what we're doing. So Mike, you're the best. Thank you,

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<v Speaker 2>appreciate it.

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<v Speaker 1>We'll see in Chicago this fall.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, we'll see you soon.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah. Wait, thank you so much.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, thank you, thank you, Mike.

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<v Speaker 2>Thanks Mike. Thanks everyone,