WEBVTT - Where Are They Now? Updates from Past Callers 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:07.480 My colleagues, We'll stop commenting on everything I get people 0:00:07.520 --> 0:00:09.760 and meeting. Why does my coworker keep taking credit for 0:00:09.800 --> 0:00:12.440 all my ideas? Have any wisdom for me? Hi, I'm 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:16.200 Alison Green. Welcome to the Aska Manager Podcast. Right answer 0:00:16.280 --> 0:00:19.799 questions from listeners about life at work, everything from what 0:00:19.880 --> 0:00:22.479 to say if you're allergic to your coworkers perfume to 0:00:22.560 --> 0:00:24.000 what to do if you drink too much at the 0:00:24.000 --> 0:00:30.120 company party. Let's get started. Welcome to the show. Since 0:00:30.160 --> 0:00:31.800 it's the end of the year, I thought it would 0:00:31.840 --> 0:00:33.920 be interesting to check back with some of the people 0:00:33.920 --> 0:00:36.880 who called into the show this year and hear updates 0:00:36.960 --> 0:00:40.320 from them about how their situations have turned out. This 0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:43.159 is something that I do every December at the Aska 0:00:43.200 --> 0:00:46.320 Manager website. The whole month there, I published updates from 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:49.080 people who had their letters answered there that year, and 0:00:49.159 --> 0:00:51.720 it's always really interesting to hear whether they took the 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:54.880 advice and how things worked out. So a bunch of 0:00:54.920 --> 0:00:57.120 people who called into the show this year were nice 0:00:57.240 --> 0:00:59.760 enough to call back in with updates on their situations, 0:00:59.880 --> 0:01:02.360 and we're going to hear from them today. Let's go 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:06.360 straight to the first update. Remember the color earlier this 0:01:06.440 --> 0:01:08.720 year who didn't have enough to do at work. She 0:01:08.800 --> 0:01:11.000 was getting rave reviews from her boss, but she had 0:01:11.040 --> 0:01:13.560 a ton of extra time in her hands. And moreover, 0:01:14.040 --> 0:01:16.560 she had found herself in that situation at every job 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:19.080 she's had, and she was getting really bored and was 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:22.039 wondering what to do. I advised her to talk to 0:01:22.080 --> 0:01:25.039 her boss, lay out the situation and see what came 0:01:25.080 --> 0:01:27.959 of that, and that that wouldn't necessarily fix the problem, 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:30.000 but that if nothing else, it would give her a 0:01:30.000 --> 0:01:33.080 lot more information about whether this was something that she 0:01:33.120 --> 0:01:35.160 could expect to change or not. And then if she 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:38.399 realized through that conversation that it's just the nature of 0:01:38.440 --> 0:01:40.960 the job, then she could decide what to do about 0:01:40.959 --> 0:01:46.160 that from there. Okay, here is her update. Hi, Allison, 0:01:46.640 --> 0:01:50.480 here's my update since we talked. When we had first spoken, 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:56.320 I was feeling really underworked and like I wanted more 0:01:56.440 --> 0:01:58.240 challenge at my job, and you've given me a lot 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:01.920 of great advice about that. One of the things that 0:02:02.000 --> 0:02:05.000 resulted from that was a really frank conversation with my boss, 0:02:05.480 --> 0:02:09.000 and I think that my boss really understands where I'm 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:13.000 coming from. But I don't know that my role working 0:02:13.040 --> 0:02:15.520 for a governmental entity is going to be one that's 0:02:15.560 --> 0:02:19.000 going to be as intensive as I would maybe like. 0:02:19.680 --> 0:02:24.400 And since we spoke, my just the normal cyclical nature 0:02:24.440 --> 0:02:26.679 of my job has really picked up around this time 0:02:26.680 --> 0:02:29.000 of year, and so I have been busier and I've 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:32.640 been happier because of that. But there have been a 0:02:32.680 --> 0:02:36.400 couple of indications to me that things will get better. 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:39.480 One is that I know my boss has had more 0:02:39.520 --> 0:02:42.600 of an eye towards giving me more complicated projects since 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:47.720 we had that conversation. And two is that he has 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:50.639 also indicated that there will be some shifting around of 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:53.520 positions in my department in the next year or so, 0:02:54.080 --> 0:02:59.440 and that might provide some opportunity for me to, uh 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:02.880 may be advanced my career shifted a little bit, or 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:05.400 at least for some things to get shaken up on 0:03:05.440 --> 0:03:07.680 our team that might allow me to take on some 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:12.800 more responsibility. So I think things are moving in a 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:15.680 good direction. I do really like my job, and and 0:03:15.960 --> 0:03:20.120 having this busy period has really allowed me to remember 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:22.040 all the things I like about my job because I've 0:03:22.040 --> 0:03:25.280 been busy enough to feel engaged. So I feel like 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:28.200 it's a it's a job that I'll probably stay out 0:03:28.200 --> 0:03:31.600 for a while. And um, I think it's set a 0:03:31.720 --> 0:03:35.800 really good baseline for me to have that really frank 0:03:35.840 --> 0:03:39.280 conversation with my boss and to lay all out there 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:43.200 how much capacity I feel like I still have. I 0:03:43.240 --> 0:03:47.240 do know that he sees me as a go to person, 0:03:47.360 --> 0:03:50.480 and my hope is that as I continue to enthusiastically 0:03:50.520 --> 0:03:53.960 take on any new projects when he proposes them, and 0:03:54.040 --> 0:03:58.120 to take them on on a regular basis without having 0:03:58.120 --> 0:04:01.720 to be asked, that that will position me as more 0:04:01.760 --> 0:04:04.960 of a go to person for more interesting side work. 0:04:05.480 --> 0:04:09.160 So thank you so much for your advice, and I 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:13.200 really appreciated being on the show. Well that's great. A 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:16.440 frank conversation so often is the answer, And it sounds 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:18.800 like the situation is going pretty well. Sounds like the 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:22.280 colors feeling good about where things are well. This year 0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:24.920 we also heard from someone with the opposite problem. Instead 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:27.320 of not having enough work, she had way too much work. 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:30.000 Her workload had exploded, She was buried in work all 0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:32.279 the time. She was wondering about how to distinguish being 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:34.800 burned out and just needing a break from being in 0:04:34.800 --> 0:04:37.560 a situation that was unfixable and that she needed to leave. 0:04:38.240 --> 0:04:40.200 We talked about how to talk to her manager with 0:04:40.240 --> 0:04:42.719 the goal of figuring that out, to figure out is 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:45.279 this something where she could get some relief or is 0:04:45.360 --> 0:04:48.000 this just the way the situation is going to stay. 0:04:48.160 --> 0:04:50.919 And we also talked a bit about her tendencies to 0:04:51.120 --> 0:04:53.039 be a bit of a people pleaser to say yes 0:04:53.080 --> 0:04:55.560 all the time, when in fact there were cases where 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:59.080 maybe she could be saying no more often. That episode 0:04:59.120 --> 0:05:01.480 was called I'm so turned out at work and here 0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:07.640 is the update. Hi everyone, here's my update. I took 0:05:07.640 --> 0:05:11.080 Allison's advice and talked to my manager. She was receptive 0:05:11.120 --> 0:05:14.680 to my feedback and absolutely agreed that my workload is 0:05:14.720 --> 0:05:18.200 too great for one person. We spread out some of 0:05:18.200 --> 0:05:21.279 my tests to other team members and eliminated some of 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:23.160 the work that didn't make sense for me to be doing. 0:05:23.960 --> 0:05:26.160 For a few weeks, it was great. I had a 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:28.280 much better work life balance and was feeling a lot 0:05:28.320 --> 0:05:32.479 more positive towards my job. But then we got additional 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:35.760 projects thrown at us, and if anything, I'm working even 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:38.640 more than I was when I initially went on the podcast. 0:05:39.560 --> 0:05:44.760 I am overburdened, overwhelmed, and get completely burnt out still. 0:05:45.360 --> 0:05:48.080 So despite me being on a fast track to promotion, 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:52.280 I've decided to leave the company I'm currently interviewing, and 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:57.000 I'm hoping that something turns up soon. I am trying 0:05:57.040 --> 0:05:59.800 my best to keep a positive attitude at my current job, 0:06:00.040 --> 0:06:02.520 and I'm continuing to do the same high quality work 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:05.599 that I've been but my motivation is a little lacking 0:06:06.160 --> 0:06:08.480 as far as the people pleasing. This has been a 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:11.320 huge problem for me my entire life, and I've been 0:06:11.360 --> 0:06:14.479 working on it. So what I've done was I've just 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:17.960 gotten better at saying no. I evaluate tests and really 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:19.560 think about if they make sense for me to do. 0:06:20.440 --> 0:06:23.560 I try to defer them or delegate them if I can, 0:06:24.080 --> 0:06:26.880 and if someone pushes back, I explained the reasons why 0:06:27.080 --> 0:06:30.720 I at least have my supervisor supportive nos. But it's 0:06:30.720 --> 0:06:34.040 difficult and it's something I continue to struggle with, but 0:06:34.320 --> 0:06:38.120 it's gotten a lot better. So I appreciate the advice, 0:06:38.120 --> 0:06:40.120 and I hope my next update is me telling you 0:06:40.160 --> 0:06:44.000 about a new job I got. Thanks. You know, I 0:06:44.040 --> 0:06:46.280 get a fair number of updates where the person did 0:06:46.400 --> 0:06:48.920 decide to leave the job, and that is not failure. 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:52.320 If you try resolving a situation and you learn from 0:06:52.320 --> 0:06:55.440 doing that that things aren't likely to change or aren't 0:06:55.440 --> 0:06:58.120 likely to change in a significant way. That is actually 0:06:58.160 --> 0:07:00.480 a type of success. It may not be the type 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:02.760 of success you were hoping for, but now you have 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:05.080 the information that you need in order to make good 0:07:05.120 --> 0:07:07.760 decisions for yourself. And it sounds like that is what 0:07:07.839 --> 0:07:12.240 the scholar did. Okay, remember the episode called I'm Bad 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:15.800 at Taking Feedback from September, the color found that she 0:07:15.880 --> 0:07:18.720 wasn't taking criticism very well. She would take it personally 0:07:18.760 --> 0:07:21.720 and get defensive, and she worried that she looked angry 0:07:21.840 --> 0:07:24.680 or upset when she was getting feedback. We talked about 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.400 how to overcome that and take feedback from a calmer, 0:07:27.640 --> 0:07:33.280 less defensive place. And here is the update. Hi Alison, 0:07:33.640 --> 0:07:35.840 so Um, your advice helped me a lot to think 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:39.040 about how meetings with my boss really just a part 0:07:39.040 --> 0:07:41.040 of the job and not take them too personally and 0:07:41.120 --> 0:07:43.280 you know, just she mentally prepared for them as something 0:07:43.280 --> 0:07:46.160 that's it's going to happen regularly. So I had a 0:07:46.200 --> 0:07:48.560 conversation with my boss recently where he asked how he 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:51.560 could be a better manager. I took the opportunity to 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:54.240 talk about positive feedback and how important it is, and 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:56.360 also how the lack of it has kind of affected 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:58.120 me and made me feel like I wasn't doing as 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:02.320 well as maybe other people were. And he agreed that 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:04.760 he didn't give enough positive feedback and said that would 0:08:04.760 --> 0:08:07.160 be a change she would try to make. But then 0:08:07.160 --> 0:08:09.160 he also went along talk about all the things that 0:08:09.200 --> 0:08:11.920 I do really well, which felt really great. And also 0:08:11.960 --> 0:08:14.520 I had a job interview not long after that, and 0:08:14.640 --> 0:08:16.800 it really helped me to bring up my confidence and 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:18.960 also just know the things that I was doing really well, 0:08:19.440 --> 0:08:21.200 um to get my first field job now that I'm 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:25.040 about to finish on my PhD program. Um. Also, he 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:28.080 called in my other coworker, who I also said that 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:31.280 had to feel felt pretty similar to me, and gave 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:33.560 him a bunch of positive feedback and then also told 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:35.160 him he was ready to look for a post doc. 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:38.040 So it actually really helped both of us by giving 0:08:38.080 --> 0:08:40.320 him that feedback, and I do truly think he's going 0:08:40.360 --> 0:08:43.520 to take that the heart for future student. So um, 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:45.160 thank you so much for your help. That really really 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:49.600 did have a great impact. Hurrah. That is great another 0:08:49.720 --> 0:08:53.480 frank conversation, and it paid off. I think so often 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:56.600 people feel like, well, if my manager isn't doing X, 0:08:57.080 --> 0:08:59.160 it must be because he or she doesn't want to 0:08:59.200 --> 0:09:02.480 do X, that it's a deliberate decision they're making and 0:09:02.559 --> 0:09:04.360 so there must be no point in talking to them 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:07.000 about it. But I can tell you from the manager's 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:09.400 side of things, it can be really helpful to hear 0:09:09.440 --> 0:09:11.880 from people, Hey, it would help me if you did X, 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:15.880 because as a manager, you don't always know, or maybe 0:09:15.920 --> 0:09:18.120 you know at some level that say you're bad at 0:09:18.120 --> 0:09:20.760 giving positive feedback or whatever, but you kind of convince 0:09:20.840 --> 0:09:23.480 yourself that it's not a big deal. And so hearing 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:27.120 from someone, especially a good employee, that it actually is 0:09:27.160 --> 0:09:30.199 something they really care about sometimes that will nudge a 0:09:30.240 --> 0:09:33.680 manager into changing what they're doing. So that's a great update, 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:37.600 and kudos to that caller for having the conversation. Let's 0:09:37.640 --> 0:09:39.360 take a quick break here and I'll be back with 0:09:39.400 --> 0:09:42.640 more updates, including the needy coworker who didn't seem to 0:09:42.679 --> 0:09:45.079 be able to do her job after many months of training, 0:09:45.559 --> 0:09:57.840 and the chef who was struggling with confidence issues. Remember 0:09:57.880 --> 0:10:00.400 the caller way back in March who had an needy 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:02.880 coworker who leaned on her way too much for help. 0:10:03.480 --> 0:10:07.240 The episode was called the Helpless Coworker and the coworker, 0:10:07.440 --> 0:10:09.880 Jane had been there for nine months and just wasn't 0:10:09.920 --> 0:10:13.440 retaining any information and would repeatedly ask the caller for 0:10:13.559 --> 0:10:16.480 things they'd already covered multiple times and that the collar 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:19.160 had sent her instructions for. And she also had a 0:10:19.200 --> 0:10:21.400 habit of when she had a question, she would go 0:10:21.440 --> 0:10:24.000 from person to person in their department and ask everyone, 0:10:24.400 --> 0:10:27.400 even though everyone gave her the same answer. They had 0:10:27.400 --> 0:10:30.199 talked to their manager about the situation, and the manager 0:10:30.200 --> 0:10:32.800 asked them to keep being patient, but it was starting 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:34.600 to take up a lot of time and cause a 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:38.520 lot of frustration. Here is the update. Oh yeah, so 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:43.560 this is my update UM on the day UM that 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:47.120 we recorded the podcast. What I had not told you 0:10:47.160 --> 0:10:50.200 at that time was that things had kind of come 0:10:50.280 --> 0:10:55.559 to a head where I lost my patient. Jane had 0:10:56.440 --> 0:11:00.439 asked me for help via email for something I previously 0:11:00.480 --> 0:11:05.880 assisted her with multiple times. I lost my patience, and 0:11:06.520 --> 0:11:10.720 I responded in a somewhat snarky manner in an email, 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:16.520 including screenshots and instructions and sort of a little condescending 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:20.559 tone like we've been over this before and you should 0:11:20.600 --> 0:11:23.440 know this by now, but here let me tell you 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:26.920 how to do this again. And I made mistake of 0:11:27.480 --> 0:11:32.120 copying in my director of our department, thinking that she 0:11:33.040 --> 0:11:38.720 would see how ridiculous being had been and was being um. Instead, 0:11:38.960 --> 0:11:41.720 my director took issue with the tone of my email, 0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:45.680 and I received a linky email back from her about 0:11:45.720 --> 0:11:49.959 my behavior and how she basically thought I needed to 0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:53.480 be more patient. So, after I talked with you the 0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:55.840 next day, of course, you know, i'd also received the 0:11:55.840 --> 0:11:59.520 email from my director, I took Jane aside just in 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:02.520 a little I have a little room, and I apologize 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:05.600 to her for the talent of my email and for 0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:11.680 anything else tone and behavior previously. I just apologize basically 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:13.600 for not being a patient as I should have been. 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:19.760 So this led to Jane crying and forgiving me. I mean, 0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:22.760 she was grateful that we kind of talked and bought 0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:25.920 it on the open I provided her. I took that 0:12:26.040 --> 0:12:28.080 time to you know, just kind of reassure her, and 0:12:28.120 --> 0:12:32.559 I provided her with suggestions. I thought about how she 0:12:32.600 --> 0:12:35.439 could handle when she had questions. I suggested that she 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:39.559 sit and think about her questions before going to anybody 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:42.160 and asking and thinking who would be the best person 0:12:42.800 --> 0:12:47.040 to answer her questions. So not just going to you know, 0:12:47.160 --> 0:12:50.880 everybody one by one in the department when one person 0:12:50.960 --> 0:12:52.719 might be the best person to answer the question, and 0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:55.480 think about who that would be, and courage her to 0:12:55.600 --> 0:12:58.840 continue to take notes and to refer them, referred to 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:02.800 them before going around and asking questions. And she seemed 0:13:02.840 --> 0:13:05.679 to take my advice to heart, but she was sent 0:13:05.800 --> 0:13:08.920 back to her old ways of just going from person 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:12.199 to person, um asking the same question over and over, 0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:16.640 asking questions that she had asked previously, you know, previous 0:13:16.720 --> 0:13:23.280 days or weeks, as if she wasn't retaining information or whatever. Um, 0:13:23.360 --> 0:13:26.880 she just began aggravating more and more people in our department, 0:13:27.640 --> 0:13:30.439 and and then she also sort of branched out to 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:33.839 other departments and did the same thing. It just pretty 0:13:33.920 --> 0:13:37.120 much became evident to me that she preferred to have 0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:44.320 people handle her cat rather than learn them and take 0:13:44.360 --> 0:13:47.360 care of them herself. And it seemed evident to me 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:51.199 and to others that this method of going from person 0:13:51.200 --> 0:13:54.040 to person was sort of in hopes that somebody would 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:57.280 be just worn down enough, but they would go, never mind, 0:13:57.400 --> 0:14:00.240 I'll just I'll just handle it for you. And I'd 0:14:00.280 --> 0:14:03.240 actually had done it a few times. I was just 0:14:03.360 --> 0:14:06.600 set up with, oh, here's the same question, again, I've 0:14:06.600 --> 0:14:09.160 already explained it to you, you know, w let me 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:12.040 just take care of it. And so I fell into 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:17.120 that trap, and and others did too, and it just 0:14:17.160 --> 0:14:21.440 seems like she just preferred to outsource her responsibilities in 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:25.520 that way. So it ended up that in August of 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:31.200 this year, I found another job, and so I don't 0:14:31.200 --> 0:14:34.000 have to deal with Jane anymore. And I can honestly say, 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:36.480 when I think back that the reasons why I left 0:14:37.080 --> 0:14:40.080 that previous job, I would give it at least ten 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:45.560 percent that getting away from Jane was behind me, you know, 0:14:45.720 --> 0:14:48.040 some of the reasons that I wanted to leave. So 0:14:48.680 --> 0:14:53.800 that is my updates. Well, that's frustrating. I like that 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:56.600 this color had a frank conversation with the coworker, even 0:14:56.600 --> 0:14:59.480 though it didn't ultimately solve the problem. If you do 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:02.160 end up leaving a job because of frustrations, it's so 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:04.640 helpful to know that you did make some attempts at 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:07.680 being straightforward and that you did try to resolve things. 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:11.360 And really, in this case, the problem was with management. 0:15:11.480 --> 0:15:14.320 They saw what was happening, they were being overly hands 0:15:14.320 --> 0:15:17.400 off about it, which is a super common thing. There 0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:19.720 are lots of people who are supposed to be managing 0:15:20.200 --> 0:15:23.680 who just don't do it because they don't like hard conversations, 0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:26.280 or they don't like dealing with conflict, or they don't 0:15:26.320 --> 0:15:28.960 like giving someone bad news, and so they just let 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:32.560 problems fester and eventually good people get frustrated and leave. 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:35.520 I know the caller said she had other reasons for 0:15:35.600 --> 0:15:38.000 leaving too, but I would bet that some of them 0:15:38.040 --> 0:15:40.640 are about having management that wouldn't do their job, not 0:15:40.800 --> 0:15:44.640 just with this coworker, but more broadly too. Managers who 0:15:44.680 --> 0:15:50.040 don't manage suck. Let's see who's next. Remember the caller 0:15:50.240 --> 0:15:54.120 this fall who was struggling with confidence issues. The episode 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:56.480 was called I Need More Confidence at Work? And the 0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:58.880 collar was a chef at a fine dining restaurant and 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:01.880 she would take things very personally when something went wrong, 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:03.760 and she would feel like it was all her fall 0:16:03.840 --> 0:16:05.520 and that she must not be very good at her job. 0:16:06.000 --> 0:16:08.160 And she was also having trouble speaking up when a 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:11.440 colleague was doing something that impacted her negatively, and she 0:16:11.520 --> 0:16:13.920 was wondering how to get better at addressing those things. 0:16:14.480 --> 0:16:19.480 Here is the update. Hi Alison, I originally emailed in 0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:21.960 a few months ago asking for advice on how to 0:16:22.000 --> 0:16:24.960 be more confident at work, and linked to this, how 0:16:25.040 --> 0:16:27.760 to address my colleagues more effectively when I needed to 0:16:27.840 --> 0:16:30.960 raise an issue with them. It's been something I've worked 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:34.120 on very consciously over the past few months, and I'm 0:16:34.160 --> 0:16:37.200 definitely not there yet, but I do think I've come 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:40.560 on leaps and bounds in certain areas. For instance, I've 0:16:40.560 --> 0:16:43.720 become really good at taking professional feedback, and this has 0:16:43.760 --> 0:16:45.680 been noticed by my boss, who said that he saw 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:47.800 I was really good at listening to the feedback given, 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:50.800 which was a really nice thing to hear. I've also 0:16:51.160 --> 0:16:55.160 moved away from taking lots of things personally and just 0:16:55.200 --> 0:16:57.280 seeing them more as a work issue, which has also 0:16:57.360 --> 0:17:01.680 helped me enormously. Um It's stopped to me overthinking things 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:05.560 too much on my on my time away from the 0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:10.000 from the kitchen. I do still struggle sometimes with addressing 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:13.439 members of my team directly when giving them feedback on 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:16.119 their work, even though I'm told this is something I 0:17:16.119 --> 0:17:18.720 should do by my boss. But I do think this 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:21.720 has not been helped by a couple of other factors 0:17:21.760 --> 0:17:24.719 that have been involved. Recently. We've been hiring a lot 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:28.760 of temp staff um as we've been short staffed um 0:17:28.840 --> 0:17:32.119 and so one, I don't have a solid working relationship 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:34.919 with these people UM and to a few of them 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:39.240 have been quite volatile characters, sort of the typical chef UM, 0:17:39.320 --> 0:17:42.639 so really not the most approachable people. UM. But I 0:17:42.680 --> 0:17:46.119 am working on it, and the people that I do 0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:49.360 give direct feedback to, I've been very clear to make 0:17:49.400 --> 0:17:51.879 sure that my tone is good and following your advice 0:17:51.880 --> 0:17:54.560 in that area as well. One other thing you advised 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:56.280 me to do was to look carefully at how my 0:17:56.320 --> 0:17:59.560 coworkers raised issues and topics, and this is definitely something 0:17:59.600 --> 0:18:05.359 I've done. UM. I've often mirrored my coworkers phrasing and 0:18:05.480 --> 0:18:08.800 tone when they ask about things UM that seemed totally 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:11.639 mature and reasonable to me. So that's really really helped 0:18:11.680 --> 0:18:14.199 because it's kind of reinforced that idea of what if 0:18:14.240 --> 0:18:16.560 they can do it, I can do it. The advice 0:18:16.680 --> 0:18:19.240 you gave me really really helped me. You said gaining 0:18:19.280 --> 0:18:22.399 confidence is not an overnight thing, and I completely agree 0:18:22.440 --> 0:18:25.359 with that, and internally, if I'm being honest, I do 0:18:25.440 --> 0:18:29.280 still feel quite uncertain of my skill set at times. 0:18:29.400 --> 0:18:31.919 But I'm looking forward to the new year. I'm hoping 0:18:31.920 --> 0:18:35.240 to move on to a different role uh, and see 0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:37.320 that as a bit of a fresh start and take 0:18:37.520 --> 0:18:40.720 with me the skills that I've gained over this experience. 0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:45.280 So thank you so much. I love this update too. 0:18:45.520 --> 0:18:48.080 You know, the stuff doesn't change every name. It's a process, 0:18:48.119 --> 0:18:50.760 and this color sounds like she's making really good progress. 0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:53.760 I especially love that she took the advice about paying 0:18:53.800 --> 0:18:56.840 attention to how her coworkers raised the sort of issues 0:18:57.240 --> 0:19:00.200 that she herself was hesitant to raise, because so, Ben, 0:19:00.680 --> 0:19:03.040 if you feel hesitant to speak up about something, it 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:06.200 will help to look around and watch how other people 0:19:06.240 --> 0:19:08.639 do it, because you can get lots of good models 0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:11.680 of Oh, this is how you approach it, and this 0:19:11.760 --> 0:19:14.280 is the language, and this is the tone, and when 0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:16.439 they do it that way, it doesn't come across as 0:19:16.440 --> 0:19:19.400 a big deal. It's normal and it's fine. And really 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:22.119 paying attention to that and internalizing that can help you 0:19:22.160 --> 0:19:24.840 speak up yourself. And that is that sounds like the 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:27.520 direction that this collar is moving in, which is great. 0:19:28.560 --> 0:19:30.359 We'll take a short break and come right back with 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:33.600 more updates, including one from the collar earlier this year 0:19:33.960 --> 0:19:36.520 who sat across the hall from a pretty scary dude 0:19:37.040 --> 0:19:49.639 and the person with the overly Talkative Intern. Remember the 0:19:49.680 --> 0:19:53.520 episode from July called the Talkative Intern. That was the 0:19:53.560 --> 0:19:56.959 caller earlier this year who had a really really talkative intern. 0:19:57.520 --> 0:19:59.840 A lot of it sounded like the intern was just 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:02.760 over explaining, like she would come in to ask a question, 0:20:02.800 --> 0:20:05.040 but she would ask it four different ways, with lots 0:20:05.080 --> 0:20:07.560 of commentary on why she didn't know the answer, and 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:09.760 it was to the point where people were avoiding her 0:20:09.800 --> 0:20:11.960 a little, and the caller was trying to figure out 0:20:12.240 --> 0:20:14.440 how to give the intern feedback about it and get 0:20:14.440 --> 0:20:17.800 her to rein it in without embarrassing her. Here is 0:20:17.800 --> 0:20:22.320 the update. Hi, Aliston, I was calling to give you 0:20:22.359 --> 0:20:27.200 an update on my talkative intern. I took your advice 0:20:27.600 --> 0:20:31.000 and at a regular update meeting I had to talk 0:20:31.040 --> 0:20:33.400 with her um. I kind of framed it the way 0:20:33.440 --> 0:20:36.399 we talked about with UM as being a common issue 0:20:36.920 --> 0:20:40.920 for people early in their career and to have faith 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:45.320 in herself that she asked good questions and her questions 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:48.199 are worth asking and she doesn't need to sort of 0:20:48.280 --> 0:20:52.320 justify them. The conversation seemed to go well, although I 0:20:52.359 --> 0:20:55.240 could tell that she was kind of taken aback and 0:20:55.640 --> 0:20:59.600 she over explained why she does that. She seemed to 0:20:59.600 --> 0:21:02.080 be putting in an effort, but honestly, there wasn't a 0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:06.240 ton of improvement, although it did leave the door open 0:21:06.400 --> 0:21:10.480 kind of for me too. I felt more comfortable interrupting 0:21:10.560 --> 0:21:12.680 her going forward for the rest of her internship again 0:21:12.800 --> 0:21:14.800 say okay, slow down, give me a chance to answer. 0:21:15.840 --> 0:21:20.440 And then a couple of months after her internship, I 0:21:20.520 --> 0:21:23.080 was at an vatte with some of my colleagues and 0:21:23.160 --> 0:21:27.800 someone mentioned how much she talked, and I said, you know, oh, 0:21:27.880 --> 0:21:30.119 I had tried to have a conversation with her. I 0:21:30.160 --> 0:21:32.720 know it didn't take, but I think she was just 0:21:32.840 --> 0:21:36.440 nervous and young. And someone joined in, who uh is 0:21:36.520 --> 0:21:40.040 more juniors. She's always been with us about six months, 0:21:40.080 --> 0:21:45.119 and she and my intern had been fairly close. They commuted, 0:21:45.400 --> 0:21:48.240 they walked part of their commute to work together. And 0:21:49.720 --> 0:21:54.080 apparently my my conversation with her didn't not go the 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:57.719 way I thought it did. My intern was completely horrified. 0:21:57.960 --> 0:22:01.879 She didn't know what she'd done wrong. She was completely 0:22:01.920 --> 0:22:05.199