1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,160 Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson and you are listening to the 2 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:05,320 Speaker 1: Velvet Edge podcast. My guest this week came at just 3 00:00:05,519 --> 00:00:07,520 Speaker 1: the right time for me, and I hope also for 4 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,200 Speaker 1: you guys. She is one of the most calming spirits 5 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:12,640 Speaker 1: that I've talked to you lately. Ruthie Lindsay is the 6 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: author of her memoir There I Am The Journey from 7 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,760 Speaker 1: Hopelessness to Healing, a book that I honestly could not 8 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:22,760 Speaker 1: put down. Her stories and also her writing style made 9 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:25,799 Speaker 1: me feel the actual pain and experiences that she was 10 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 1: going through. I both cried and laughed out loud while reading. 11 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,800 Speaker 1: Ruthie is the survivor of an accident as a teenager 12 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,440 Speaker 1: where she had a five percent chance to live, a 13 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:39,440 Speaker 1: one percent chance to walk, and a surgery that simultaneously 14 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,920 Speaker 1: saved and destroyed her body. As a young woman, chronic 15 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,160 Speaker 1: pain slowly pulled Ruthie away from everything she once held dear, 16 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 1: her marriage, her faith, her family, her body, her very self. 17 00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:54,200 Speaker 1: But her message is one of strength and resilience, the 18 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 1: faith she lost and rebuilt in herself, and the power 19 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:00,319 Speaker 1: of sharing our stories. She and I talked so much 20 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 1: about the specifics of what has brought her so much 21 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: healing and the humanness she has learned to love and 22 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,720 Speaker 1: accept along the way that I divided this podcast into 23 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,840 Speaker 1: two episodes. In this first episode, she reminds me that 24 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,880 Speaker 1: our journey is beautiful in all of its messiness, and 25 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,240 Speaker 1: our pain is not there to punish us, but to 26 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:22,399 Speaker 1: help us heal. Here's Ruthie. Okay. So I told you 27 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 1: just a second ago that we have so many parallels, 28 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 1: and I'll kind of get into some of those throughout 29 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,880 Speaker 1: this conversation because I was reading your book just like, 30 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 1: first of all, both being from Louisiana, obviously a lot 31 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: of the places you describe, I'm like, oh yeah, oh 32 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,080 Speaker 1: my gosh, yeah, Like it's so nice to actually hear 33 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 1: someone talk about the places that meant so much to 34 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:44,720 Speaker 1: you in your childhood. Um, So I know that there's that, 35 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,120 Speaker 1: But then now we have like these parallel lives in Nashville. 36 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,840 Speaker 1: It's just bizarre. But we'll get into all that later. 37 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,600 Speaker 1: I want to talk a little bit just to start 38 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,880 Speaker 1: about the book, because I obviously resonated with so many things, 39 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,320 Speaker 1: both being from Louisiana, like we said, and having similar 40 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: situations that we've gone through, even knowing a lot of 41 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 1: the same people. But I feel like you have this 42 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:10,079 Speaker 1: insane gift of telling a story so that people feel 43 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,160 Speaker 1: like they're in it, like the way you describe, and 44 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,560 Speaker 1: I felt like I was there with you. Have you 45 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: always known you were a writer? Like? Have you written 46 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,839 Speaker 1: a ton before? God? Okay, tell us everything? Because you're 47 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:27,680 Speaker 1: so good at it. I think you will definitely had 48 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:32,320 Speaker 1: so much support and I would. I still struggle to 49 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,240 Speaker 1: say I'm a writer because I don't enjoy it at all. Really, Actually, 50 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:40,000 Speaker 1: my worst nightmare, I would talk all day long. Let 51 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 1: me just sit with people and get in front of 52 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:47,800 Speaker 1: humans and having that like soul connection and conversation that 53 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:52,800 Speaker 1: is breathing for me. Sitting down and writing is really 54 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 1: really difficult. Why what's what do you think difficult about it? Well, 55 00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,920 Speaker 1: you know, I think with this in particular, I think 56 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,760 Speaker 1: I knew that I was going to have to essentially 57 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,920 Speaker 1: kind of go back in and re traumatize myself. I 58 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 1: don't think I like consciously knew that, but I think 59 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,600 Speaker 1: on a subconscious level, I knew that it was going 60 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:15,440 Speaker 1: to be super super painful. Um because when I lived 61 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:19,360 Speaker 1: through it in real time, I was on every narcotic 62 00:03:19,639 --> 00:03:21,760 Speaker 1: I was living in my bed, I was, you know, 63 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 1: watching TV, eating my feelings and doing everything I could 64 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:29,240 Speaker 1: to numb the trauma I was living through. And so 65 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:34,520 Speaker 1: this time around writing rewriting the story UM, and not 66 00:03:34,639 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 1: all the parts, but you know a lot of the 67 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:41,000 Speaker 1: parts that were super painful to live through. Your brain 68 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 1: doesn't know that that's not happening right now, like our 69 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:48,240 Speaker 1: living brain actually doesn't know time. And so it was 70 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:51,800 Speaker 1: as though I were, you know, re going through this wreck, 71 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 1: reliving in my bed, burying my father, going through this divorce, UM, 72 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 1: experiencing debilitating physical pain, emotional pain, and spiritual pain. And 73 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 1: so I think on a on a subconscious level, I 74 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 1: knew that it was just gonna be super super super painful, 75 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: and and now I can say with complete confidence it 76 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 1: was like the most important thing that I've done for myself, 77 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,680 Speaker 1: because you you can't heal anything you're not allowing yourself 78 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,160 Speaker 1: to feel. And so I had to like really go 79 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:29,640 Speaker 1: back in and dig in and like work, do really 80 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: really intensive work. And it brought me, I mean, it 81 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,920 Speaker 1: brought me to my knees and it knocked me on 82 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 1: my ass in the most important way and also opened 83 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,719 Speaker 1: up a door to like do the deepest healing work 84 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,160 Speaker 1: that I've done in this life so far. So it's 85 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,160 Speaker 1: horrible and painful and traumatic as it was, it was 86 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 1: also the most healing, redemptive, beautiful thing that I've done. 87 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 1: Have you ever heard that quote that someone says like, 88 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:57,880 Speaker 1: I don't know if it's a quote, but it is 89 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,320 Speaker 1: basically like, you can't rip someone out of the nile, 90 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,560 Speaker 1: or you shouldn't because that would be a very unkind 91 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 1: thing to do, because we can't process all of our 92 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:09,640 Speaker 1: feelings sometimes like right away, or you know, even if 93 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,640 Speaker 1: they're overlapping, if you're not ready it does it come 94 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,680 Speaker 1: right when you're ready? Do you think? I think the 95 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 1: universe is so loving in that way, and it's always 96 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:23,440 Speaker 1: wants good and beautiful things. I love that quote. I'm 97 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 1: so glad you brought up because it's so true. There 98 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,159 Speaker 1: was so much that I thought I knew even going 99 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,520 Speaker 1: into writing this book, you know, which is so interesting, 100 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,720 Speaker 1: And there's so much I thought I knew six months ago, 101 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:39,360 Speaker 1: and now I'm like, oh, you're so cute, you know, 102 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:43,000 Speaker 1: And I think I hope that until I am back 103 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,840 Speaker 1: in the in between, I am like that ninety year 104 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,360 Speaker 1: old woman with a notebook walking around so curious and 105 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,680 Speaker 1: realizing how much I don't have a freaking clue about Like, 106 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 1: the more I learned and the more I know, the 107 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:59,480 Speaker 1: more I realized I don't have a freaking true. Yeah, 108 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,600 Speaker 1: I think the universe is just so beautiful and it 109 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,000 Speaker 1: gives us what we can handle at the time. And 110 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:08,520 Speaker 1: there's stuff that like I wasn't even aware of until 111 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,920 Speaker 1: after I wrote the book about like some early incre 112 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,919 Speaker 1: verbal trauma and things that I that aren't written in 113 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,039 Speaker 1: there because I didn't know and I wasn't ready to 114 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 1: process that. And the more healing we do, the deeper 115 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 1: you're able to go even deeper and learn more. And 116 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,279 Speaker 1: and again we have free will, so you don't have 117 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 1: to choose it right right, you can just stay in 118 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 1: those patterns, and like the universe is still loving that. 119 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,360 Speaker 1: We'll just keep bringing up really painful things and kind 120 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: of keeping on and same cycles and reliving our traumas 121 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:46,040 Speaker 1: until we do that healing work. Oh my gosh. Um, well, 122 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 1: we both talked about the healing process, and I want 123 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,640 Speaker 1: to get into that a lot into this podcast. Um, 124 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,480 Speaker 1: what you just said, even specifically, I personally like I 125 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 1: feel that so much was just getting to the next 126 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 1: they call it, you know, the layer of the onions, 127 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 1: And I'm just like annoyed most of the time when 128 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:05,520 Speaker 1: I'm getting to another layer, like I don't want another layer, 129 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,000 Speaker 1: you know, like I have walked through this pain or 130 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 1: what you said, like you keep bupping up against certain things, 131 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:15,200 Speaker 1: maybe until you heal it fully and I can think 132 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,840 Speaker 1: it's healed, but then it's like it comes up in 133 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,760 Speaker 1: a different form, in a different relationship, in a different place, 134 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:24,760 Speaker 1: and so it's a constant journey to that healing, which 135 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 1: I really want to get into yours because I think 136 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,200 Speaker 1: that could be helpful to a lot of people. But first, 137 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,840 Speaker 1: let's go back, because we do have to talk about 138 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,720 Speaker 1: the pain first. So could you tell the listeners a 139 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 1: little bit about just what happened in high school in 140 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:43,720 Speaker 1: your accident. Yes, absolutely, So basically, Um, when I was 141 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,440 Speaker 1: a senior in high school, I um pulled out in 142 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:50,200 Speaker 1: front of an ambulance and he hit me on my 143 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 1: car door go in sixty and so yeah, so I 144 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: broke um ribs and clunch to my lungs. My lungs 145 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,679 Speaker 1: collapsed my rupture, so I lost that and then I 146 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,240 Speaker 1: broke the top two vertebrae in my neck. C one 147 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 1: and C two and what I didn't know then, which 148 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: I feel really clear on now. Um, I actually died 149 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,560 Speaker 1: in that wreck, um, and wasn't breathing and everything and 150 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:22,080 Speaker 1: shut down for somewhere between three to five minutes. The 151 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: guy that was in the wreck with me. Um, this 152 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,600 Speaker 1: all came clear later, But UM, I would always be told, 153 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 1: you know, you had a five percent chance to live, 154 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,080 Speaker 1: one percent chance to walk. It's like so miraculous that 155 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,840 Speaker 1: you're still here. But I really think that I died 156 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,240 Speaker 1: and like chose to come back because I still had 157 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,760 Speaker 1: a lot of work here to do. And um, the 158 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:47,840 Speaker 1: ambulance driver was right there. He knew how to stabilize 159 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,680 Speaker 1: my neck and not just pull me out of the car, 160 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,559 Speaker 1: you know. And um they were able to get me 161 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,880 Speaker 1: to the hospital really quickly and get me on life 162 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:59,920 Speaker 1: support and remove my spleen and um get me stable 163 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 1: enough to a few weeks later, UM do this final 164 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 1: court surgery that I had to have where they took 165 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,720 Speaker 1: bone from my hip, and back then just the standard 166 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: practice was to fuse it with wire, and so they 167 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: wrapped my neck with wire and the late nineties, that's 168 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,480 Speaker 1: just what you did. And you know, I was I'll 169 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:25,200 Speaker 1: spare all details, but I was just um so blessed, 170 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:29,079 Speaker 1: so lucky. I UM was in the hospital almost a month. 171 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,720 Speaker 1: It happened on my dad's birthday, which was November two, 172 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,839 Speaker 1: and I went back to school after Christmas. Um. Yeah, 173 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 1: I walked out of there. I had a big old 174 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,960 Speaker 1: net grace that I wore for like five or six months, 175 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,960 Speaker 1: and you know, new scars and things like that. But otherwise, 176 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:50,920 Speaker 1: I mean I kind of just went back to normal life. 177 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:54,640 Speaker 1: Like I, I did not know what disassociation was. I 178 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,560 Speaker 1: had no idea what how to process all of it. 179 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,480 Speaker 1: Not the time, you know, we disassociate just s. That's 180 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 1: actually this really loving human thing that we do so 181 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,840 Speaker 1: that we can keep going. And that is fully what 182 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:11,080 Speaker 1: I had done. And I was pretty disassociated now, I 183 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,959 Speaker 1: know before the wreck even happened, but it just kind 184 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,320 Speaker 1: of took me into a deep state of disconnection. And 185 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,240 Speaker 1: you know, I would talk about the wreck like it 186 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,760 Speaker 1: was in third person, and I thought like that, like 187 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:23,840 Speaker 1: it was just a cool story, but it didn't feel 188 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,880 Speaker 1: like it had happened to me. Um. I would always 189 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,880 Speaker 1: say it was way harder on my family and my 190 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:33,760 Speaker 1: friends than it was for me. UM and I felt that, 191 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,240 Speaker 1: and at the time, I really didn't have very many 192 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 1: residual effects like I didn't My pain wasn't bad, like 193 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 1: I get sore if I like danced too much. But 194 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 1: I didn't have day in day out any sort of repercussions. 195 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,400 Speaker 1: And so I just went back to my normal teenage 196 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:56,680 Speaker 1: life and graduated got to college. At the time, my 197 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,840 Speaker 1: form of disassociation and my form of comfort was mostly 198 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,560 Speaker 1: of food, and so I would just kind of stuff 199 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 1: any feelings. I did not cry for four and a 200 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:10,000 Speaker 1: half years. UM this very shut down. I knew how 201 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:13,000 Speaker 1: to show up and smile and be kind, and you know, 202 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 1: I was part of this, like southern culture and the church. 203 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: I was a part of all these things. The patriarchy 204 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:22,760 Speaker 1: taught me. Everything was about appearance. How you show up 205 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,199 Speaker 1: in the world. As you smile, you'd be pretty be kind. 206 00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 1: But I did not know how to process the trauma 207 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:31,960 Speaker 1: that I had walked through, and so instead I just 208 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:35,960 Speaker 1: stuffed my feelings with food, um and then showed up 209 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: and smiled and did it all over again, you know. 210 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: And so that's that was kind of my m oh 211 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 1: until UM. I lived to Nashville, met my very first boyfriend, 212 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:51,120 Speaker 1: appearents were super stoked to use a man. They were 213 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,520 Speaker 1: like that like girls, and like that would be so great. 214 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:58,559 Speaker 1: It's not my journey, but that would be awesome. M 215 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,079 Speaker 1: We're just like we were a part of a church, 216 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,040 Speaker 1: you know that talked about sex being simple and the 217 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:09,440 Speaker 1: flesh is deceitful. And you know, we had so many 218 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,640 Speaker 1: laws and rules, and we tried to fit in this 219 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,840 Speaker 1: box that we were given to be quote unquote good 220 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,880 Speaker 1: in the world. And it was from such an earnest place, 221 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,880 Speaker 1: you know, but we had such deep shame about sex, 222 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,480 Speaker 1: and so literally got married ten months after we started dating. 223 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 1: But we were sweet little freaking idiots and bless our 224 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,360 Speaker 1: souls and you know, and that was our contract with 225 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,600 Speaker 1: each other. I think we planned that before we came here. 226 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:40,960 Speaker 1: And I don't regret one single second of it because 227 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,840 Speaker 1: it was all a part of the journey. But about 228 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:48,160 Speaker 1: a year into our marriage, um, one day I was 229 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:52,680 Speaker 1: like walking from the store and this crazy, gnarly shooting 230 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:56,439 Speaker 1: pain went up my head and not me to my knees. 231 00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 1: Like I was left with this like black, inky migraine. 232 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,839 Speaker 1: It felt like someone I remember thinking either I've been 233 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 1: shot or I've been struck by lightning, even though it 234 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 1: was the prettiest day ever, but like that was the 235 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,480 Speaker 1: level of pain that shot up my head. And of 236 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: course it was terrifying. I'm like, what the actual hell 237 00:13:16,679 --> 00:13:20,079 Speaker 1: just happened to me? And UM started going to see 238 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,559 Speaker 1: all these doctors just trying to figure out what was happening. 239 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,079 Speaker 1: And every time they'd have me do an m R 240 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:28,840 Speaker 1: I and the magnet and the machine would interact with 241 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:32,119 Speaker 1: the wire that was in my spinal confusion, and they'd say, oh, 242 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: there would be this like spot on every film and 243 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,960 Speaker 1: they'd say, oh, that's just the magnet and the wire. 244 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,320 Speaker 1: Everything around it looks fine, Um, but they couldn't see 245 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: what was underneath it. And they started me on all 246 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 1: these therapies. Nothing helped started me on narcotics. I mean, 247 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,559 Speaker 1: I was just not well, you know, and I just 248 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 1: didn't want to hurt all the time, and doctors of 249 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,640 Speaker 1: the authority, so I'm just gonna listen to whatever they 250 00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:58,720 Speaker 1: told me, you know, And so I took everything they recommended, 251 00:13:59,559 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 1: and it just started me down this very dark, spiraling path, 252 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,360 Speaker 1: like I slowly stopped being able to show up to 253 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,160 Speaker 1: my life, Like my pain continued to get worse and worse. 254 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,680 Speaker 1: So I took more and more drugs, which removed me 255 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,640 Speaker 1: from my life. More and more. I stopped working, I 256 00:14:16,679 --> 00:14:18,960 Speaker 1: stopped showing up as a partner, I stopped showing up 257 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,480 Speaker 1: as a daughter, a friend, a sister, and aunt. Like 258 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,040 Speaker 1: I just everything shut down, and all I felt I 259 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:29,360 Speaker 1: became was this pain, and it consumed every thought in 260 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,600 Speaker 1: my life, Like I was in so much pain, and 261 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:36,280 Speaker 1: so I just literally my world became the four walls 262 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:42,400 Speaker 1: of my bedroom, um, escaping into horrific television, um, eating 263 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:46,000 Speaker 1: my feelings and taking these narcotics, and so of course, 264 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 1: you know, I became more and more of a shadow 265 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,960 Speaker 1: of myself, and my world became tinier and tinier, and 266 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 1: more and more isolated and more and more parked in 267 00:14:55,680 --> 00:15:00,080 Speaker 1: that pain story. UM, sorry, go ahead, I was is 268 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,640 Speaker 1: gonna say. So when you think about back about that time, 269 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 1: I mean you mentioned kind of being disassociated or even 270 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,880 Speaker 1: talking about your wreck and third person, when I hear 271 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,360 Speaker 1: you describe it, I think about similar times in my 272 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,720 Speaker 1: life when I've been just going through the motions and 273 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,680 Speaker 1: medicating everything away. Did it feel to you like you 274 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:23,400 Speaker 1: were looking like observing yourself in your own life sort 275 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,520 Speaker 1: of like, were you even at all present in your 276 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:30,920 Speaker 1: body or where you just kind of I I was 277 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 1: just going through the motions. I was too numb to 278 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 1: even be aware that I wasn't playing a role in 279 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,840 Speaker 1: my life. You know, I was so disconnected. And and 280 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,600 Speaker 1: now I've learned about some like early childhood stuff that 281 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,360 Speaker 1: helps me understand even more of why I was disassociated 282 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,840 Speaker 1: and disconnected. And this was just another extension and even 283 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 1: deeper extension of the same, you know, patterns that I 284 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:59,520 Speaker 1: was so removed from my body, and you know, and 285 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,880 Speaker 1: at the time a r I you know, I was 286 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 1: a part of the church that said I was a broken, 287 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,360 Speaker 1: depraved wretch. I believed that with every part of me. 288 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 1: I believed my body and I was broken. And you know, 289 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,840 Speaker 1: I thought my body hated me, and I felt that 290 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,960 Speaker 1: was the source of all this pain. I had no 291 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 1: idea there was emotional and spiritual pain connected to it also, 292 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,400 Speaker 1: But I thought all of my pain was this physical body, 293 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: and it was fighting me, and it was turning its 294 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,800 Speaker 1: back on me, and it was hating me and loathing me, 295 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:34,360 Speaker 1: and so I what actually was happening was I was 296 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 1: abandoning my body. My body never abandoning abandoned in me, 297 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,040 Speaker 1: you know, like our bodies love us so much and 298 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:46,360 Speaker 1: it's calling us home. But I was like, f you, like, 299 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,200 Speaker 1: I'm leaving you at all costs because I cannot. I 300 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 1: thought if I went in, that would kill me. If 301 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: I went into my pain, that would be the end 302 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,520 Speaker 1: of me because it was so visceral, it was so painful, 303 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,960 Speaker 1: which instead I just kept it going longer and longer 304 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,840 Speaker 1: and longer the more I avoided it. Yeah, you talk 305 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,320 Speaker 1: a lot about just smiling through the pain and that 306 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 1: like people wouldn't even know what you were feeling because 307 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,800 Speaker 1: you just put a smile on your face. Like you said, 308 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,520 Speaker 1: you're from the South, that's kind of what we do 309 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,840 Speaker 1: as women. Um, it makes me think of that, you 310 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,320 Speaker 1: know that quote, be kind of people because you never 311 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:22,600 Speaker 1: know what they're really going through. But like, what did 312 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,360 Speaker 1: that feel like when you're walking around your life? I mean, 313 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,439 Speaker 1: I know you said there was different seasons. There were 314 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 1: some seasons you didn't even get out of bed, and 315 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,240 Speaker 1: then there were some where you got to this place 316 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:35,200 Speaker 1: where you're trying to operate as if you were feeling 317 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,320 Speaker 1: great or feeling normal with a big smile on your face. 318 00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:40,600 Speaker 1: Like where did you learn that role, you know. I 319 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:44,360 Speaker 1: mean I lived in my bed for seven years and 320 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,520 Speaker 1: the few times I would show up, I would put 321 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,879 Speaker 1: a plaster a big smile on me. And what I 322 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:55,120 Speaker 1: know now, I grew up in the Deep South. Um, 323 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:59,560 Speaker 1: my mom was a child of alcoholics, which you know, 324 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:04,600 Speaker 1: every thing is about that. There could be just complete mayhem, chaos, 325 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,919 Speaker 1: trauma going inside your house. But like you better believe 326 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,160 Speaker 1: they showed up with the prettiest dresses, with their hair 327 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:14,399 Speaker 1: clopped perfectly, with the biggest, classed smile. And it's the 328 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:18,120 Speaker 1: secret internal life that's killing you. But you go out 329 00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:22,000 Speaker 1: in the world and everything is about the outer appearance 330 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,800 Speaker 1: and what everyone else thinks about you and what everyone 331 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,920 Speaker 1: else says that you are. And so I learned that 332 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: from the get go. Um, and I learned how to perform. 333 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:35,639 Speaker 1: I learned how to be that you know, shiny smiley thing. 334 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,639 Speaker 1: I remember in second grade very specifically, because I was 335 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,560 Speaker 1: always a smiley child. But I remember, if you smile 336 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:47,920 Speaker 1: even bigger, they like you even more. Like and I remember, 337 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,120 Speaker 1: I mean I was six or seven, and I remember 338 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:55,440 Speaker 1: consciously thinking that and mean, like make it bigger, make 339 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:59,359 Speaker 1: it wider, and like practicing my smile just so people 340 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:01,800 Speaker 1: would like me, because I thought that's what all of 341 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,399 Speaker 1: my work and all of my identity was in what 342 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,720 Speaker 1: everyone else said and what everyone else outside of me thought, 343 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,920 Speaker 1: Like when I walk in my front door, and then 344 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,879 Speaker 1: in the day, at the end of the day, my 345 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 1: mom would say, what did they say about you today? 346 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,879 Speaker 1: Did they say how pretty you were? Did they? You know? 347 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,879 Speaker 1: And that was that was the number one thing. And 348 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,440 Speaker 1: if they didn't, you know, I'm going, no, something wrong 349 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,000 Speaker 1: with it, you know, like they you start thinking, oh ship, 350 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,000 Speaker 1: they didn't. No one said anything. No one said I 351 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,000 Speaker 1: was pretty, No one said, so what's wrong with me? 352 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 1: You know? And so for me, this healing journey of 353 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,960 Speaker 1: coming back home to me, into my body and to myself, 354 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,960 Speaker 1: honestly has been an unlearning and are remembering more than anything, 355 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:49,639 Speaker 1: and unlearning of the stories from the patriarchy, from the church, 356 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,919 Speaker 1: from my family, from the culture that we are just 357 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,879 Speaker 1: we are taking in like air. It's like breath. It is. 358 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:00,200 Speaker 1: It is everything we are bombarded with when we open 359 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,480 Speaker 1: our phones, when we turn on the TV, when we 360 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,200 Speaker 1: see a billboard, when we walk outside. Everything is telling 361 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,360 Speaker 1: us what we should look like, how we should behave, 362 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,920 Speaker 1: how to sit in this box and so unlearning those 363 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:19,360 Speaker 1: stories and remembering that I am valuable, valuable and worthy 364 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 1: and inherently good and deserving and beautiful and whole because 365 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,000 Speaker 1: I'm freaking breathing and I am on this planet and 366 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:32,520 Speaker 1: has nothing to do with anything outside of me, has 367 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 1: been the most beautiful, hardest work that I've probably done, 368 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:44,480 Speaker 1: because that is that remembering is just We're so deserving 369 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,239 Speaker 1: of that, and that lives within all of us. The 370 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,640 Speaker 1: rest is just freaking stories, you know, stories literally given 371 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,199 Speaker 1: when you say you say were remembering, but did you 372 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,880 Speaker 1: even know who you are? No? But I think that 373 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:03,080 Speaker 1: our souls, So I think that's what I mean, Like 374 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 1: we have this soul, we have this divinity within each 375 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 1: of us that has not been harmed, that is just 376 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: whole and full. It's just pure love. And but you know, 377 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,040 Speaker 1: we were never broken, we were traumatized, but these trauma stories, 378 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,440 Speaker 1: it's a lot that we just came in here, inherited 379 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,359 Speaker 1: from our family, these traumas. Like I know, I've carried 380 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,960 Speaker 1: so much pain and trauma of my mom's, of my grandmothers, 381 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,919 Speaker 1: of my family. Um, there's this incredible book called It 382 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:37,800 Speaker 1: Didn't Start with You that has taught me so, but 383 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,639 Speaker 1: I mean, and this is science. This sounds so will woo, 384 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:44,920 Speaker 1: but it's literally I completely by into all this. And 385 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:49,520 Speaker 1: but there's still this part inside of each and every 386 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:53,600 Speaker 1: one of us that is not wounded, that is not 387 00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:58,160 Speaker 1: you know, traumatized, that is just pure light and wholeness. 388 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,920 Speaker 1: And we are these divid nine souls right, and so 389 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:06,560 Speaker 1: unwinding those trauma stories and the painful things that have 390 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,840 Speaker 1: been put on us that we've been carrying and coming 391 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:14,840 Speaker 1: back to that whole place that every single soul has 392 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:20,359 Speaker 1: within them. Um, it's just the most beautiful, precious Like 393 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:24,160 Speaker 1: I have written all throughout my house little notes and affirmations, 394 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,160 Speaker 1: and so many of them say I remember, because it's 395 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:31,880 Speaker 1: like it's a remembering, it's a oh oh there I am. 396 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:38,480 Speaker 1: Like there there's my true, wholehearted, highest version of me. 397 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,800 Speaker 1: And that part you know, like you'll read certain things 398 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:46,480 Speaker 1: where you've not heard it before, but every part of 399 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:50,280 Speaker 1: you is like, yes, I know that's true. Like that's 400 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:56,920 Speaker 1: how I feel every time I hear overspeak or moments, Yes, exactly, 401 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,359 Speaker 1: And that's that place inside of us. You might not 402 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,119 Speaker 1: have ever heard those words before in this life, but 403 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:10,640 Speaker 1: your soul, Your whole, pure love, light stilled soul knows 404 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:16,360 Speaker 1: that truth and that's the remembering. Do you feel like 405 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 1: when you say things like I actually died and I 406 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: but I think my soul came back because it wasn't 407 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,440 Speaker 1: done learning. How does that feel to say? I mean, 408 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:31,320 Speaker 1: what does that feel like? I feel? So I'm so 409 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:36,720 Speaker 1: endeared to the soul of mine because I think for me, 410 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:40,080 Speaker 1: I had so much more healing work to do. And 411 00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:43,520 Speaker 1: I think, I now, listen, this is really woo woo, 412 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,400 Speaker 1: but I believe it. And if it doesn't fit, who cares? 413 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,280 Speaker 1: Like if it doesn't work, everyone, Like I also think 414 00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:53,120 Speaker 1: anything that endears us to ourselves and our souls, it's 415 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,520 Speaker 1: just such a beautiful thing. I could be totally wrong 416 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,679 Speaker 1: about this, but there there are these schools of thought 417 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:02,960 Speaker 1: that really believed that we come here many many, many times, 418 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 1: and we choose when we're back in the in between 419 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:11,840 Speaker 1: with our soul families, with our higher shelves, with source, 420 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 1: we choose the live that we need to grow to 421 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,960 Speaker 1: walk through the karmic stuff that we need to work 422 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:25,399 Speaker 1: through too, for our souls to expand, to enlighten, to awaken. 423 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:30,080 Speaker 1: And I really believe that I chose all of the pain, 424 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,240 Speaker 1: all of the trauma, all of the loss, and I 425 00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:36,600 Speaker 1: trusted my soul enough to live through all of that 426 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:40,280 Speaker 1: to ultimately be the invitation to come back home to 427 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,920 Speaker 1: myself and to do the healing work that we're all 428 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:49,480 Speaker 1: so deserving us, and with the community and light workers 429 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,920 Speaker 1: and soul people that are in my life to support 430 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:57,080 Speaker 1: me in doing this work, that we're remembering what is 431 00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:59,719 Speaker 1: so right with us and not as what wrong, you know, 432 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:04,120 Speaker 1: not what's wrong with us, so that then I could 433 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:07,120 Speaker 1: be a mirror of the healing and love and light 434 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,480 Speaker 1: that is everyone. Because this is my mind, it's ours, 435 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:14,239 Speaker 1: this is for everyone, and that is why I like 436 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,919 Speaker 1: at the end of my book, I'm like, I hope 437 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,280 Speaker 1: when you finish this, I hope you forget all about me. 438 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,320 Speaker 1: I hope you forget my name because I am here 439 00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:26,560 Speaker 1: to be a mirror of all the love and healing 440 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:31,680 Speaker 1: and light and goodness and divinity and hope that is yours. 441 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,600 Speaker 1: Like you don't need me, this is for you. I'm 442 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,879 Speaker 1: gonna get the funk out of the way because like 443 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,879 Speaker 1: I can't fix you, I can't heal you, but I 444 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:45,200 Speaker 1: can be a spaceholder in a mirror of all that 445 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:49,600 Speaker 1: is of you, all that is yours, that you, it's 446 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:56,800 Speaker 1: your like inherited divine worth, like this is for you. 447 00:25:57,359 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 1: And people have been those mirrors to me you're talking 448 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 1: about miles earlier. And I have so many light workers 449 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,840 Speaker 1: and soul people in my life that believed in me 450 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:12,280 Speaker 1: and held space for me and just loved me and 451 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:16,000 Speaker 1: never left even when I had nothing to show up with. 452 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:20,639 Speaker 1: They just help me and loved me. And I believe 453 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,240 Speaker 1: that that is like that is our work here now, 454 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,480 Speaker 1: like to who much has given, much is required, like 455 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:29,720 Speaker 1: I have been given so much, and I have so 456 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:33,280 Speaker 1: much love and so much healing that I want to 457 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 1: be a mirror of to the collective, And that feels 458 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:40,920 Speaker 1: like such a privilege to me, Like I can stay 459 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:45,840 Speaker 1: with the deepest conviction to you right now. I would 460 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,600 Speaker 1: not change one thing that has happened, like I would 461 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:54,760 Speaker 1: not change one thing. I I know that every single 462 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:58,040 Speaker 1: thing that wreck finding out that there was a wire 463 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,000 Speaker 1: in my brains them which bring talked about yet like 464 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,919 Speaker 1: the reason I was in so much pain, one of 465 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:06,359 Speaker 1: the wires broke and pierce my brainstone. And I'm the 466 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,000 Speaker 1: only human on planet Earth that's ever had that, and 467 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:12,199 Speaker 1: I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be speaking to you. 468 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,960 Speaker 1: I shouldn't have brain functioning, I shouldn't be walking, I 469 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,320 Speaker 1: shouldn't be able to like show up in this life 470 00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:23,840 Speaker 1: and dance and have joy. But I am, and all 471 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:27,560 Speaker 1: of those things. The divorce, the pain, the death of 472 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:31,320 Speaker 1: my daddy, like one of the deepest traumas, you know, 473 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:36,800 Speaker 1: all of that became the entry point the invitation for 474 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:40,639 Speaker 1: me to ultimately come home to myself and to this 475 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:45,000 Speaker 1: body and do the deepest healing work that I was 476 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,280 Speaker 1: always so deserving of. That's always here for me, and 477 00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:53,879 Speaker 1: I'm so and dear to my soul because I believe 478 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:57,480 Speaker 1: I trusted myself to do that so that then I 479 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,879 Speaker 1: could go out and be a healer in a mirror 480 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:05,200 Speaker 1: of this and like I just it endeared me so much. 481 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:10,960 Speaker 1: And even the idea that I chose these things, like again, 482 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,199 Speaker 1: even if I'm totally wrong, I'm so great with that, 483 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:19,119 Speaker 1: but it that idea took away ever every sense of 484 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:22,640 Speaker 1: victimhood in my life. I was just about to say 485 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:25,840 Speaker 1: that about the victim mentality when I actually agree with 486 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:29,520 Speaker 1: you with how I think we choose how our life 487 00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,280 Speaker 1: is going to look before we come here, and we 488 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:34,560 Speaker 1: do this. However many times it takes to learn certain 489 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:37,080 Speaker 1: things or to grow into our whole whole selves like 490 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:40,320 Speaker 1: you're just talking about. But when I sometimes in my 491 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:42,880 Speaker 1: life like it hasn't been easy, you know, like and 492 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,600 Speaker 1: I can get in that place of just like like 493 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 1: I said earlier, bumping up against the same ship again, 494 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:50,240 Speaker 1: you know, and a lot of mine has to do 495 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:54,320 Speaker 1: with relationships and love and my own dysfunction around all 496 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:56,520 Speaker 1: of those things. And like I've been in a season. 497 00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:59,600 Speaker 1: Your book for me was I I read it just 498 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:01,680 Speaker 1: at the right time of what I'm going through right 499 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,880 Speaker 1: now of bumping up against some same ship that I'm 500 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:08,760 Speaker 1: just like, why in my back here, what is like 501 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,560 Speaker 1: And someone said to me the other day, like something 502 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:15,080 Speaker 1: in you in this aspect isn't healed yet. It's not 503 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:18,680 Speaker 1: like a it's not a punishment, it's not because that's 504 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:20,960 Speaker 1: how I feel a lot, you know, like I can 505 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:24,200 Speaker 1: just feel like done with something, and it's just like 506 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,800 Speaker 1: I have a friend who calls them another fucking growth opportunity, 507 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,600 Speaker 1: and I'm just like, I don't want any more growth opportunities, 508 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:33,000 Speaker 1: you know, like you just want life to be easy. 509 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:37,280 Speaker 1: But without the opportunities, we don't grow. I don't believe, 510 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:40,480 Speaker 1: do not. We don't And that is Earth School. I 511 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,760 Speaker 1: don't know why Source set up in this way, but 512 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:48,360 Speaker 1: I know it's loving. I do trust and believe and listen. 513 00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:53,200 Speaker 1: I have had nervous breakdowns. I have gone to treatment. 514 00:29:53,320 --> 00:30:00,280 Speaker 1: I have had such fabilitating emotional, physical, spiritual pain. And 515 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:03,200 Speaker 1: when I was in those moments, I felt so abandoned. 516 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,280 Speaker 1: I felt like I wanted to die. I wanted I 517 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,080 Speaker 1: thought everyone's life would be better if I weren't here. 518 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:14,000 Speaker 1: I was just taking I thought, you know, like the 519 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,920 Speaker 1: last breakdown I had, I was like, wait, I've done 520 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:19,280 Speaker 1: so much work. How could I be back in this place? 521 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:25,240 Speaker 1: And after you has done a bunch of work, You're like, well, 522 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:29,440 Speaker 1: I can't be back here. It was so tremendous and 523 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:33,480 Speaker 1: it was so important, Like it was this ego death 524 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:38,479 Speaker 1: and with death comes new life. And like I know, 525 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:41,680 Speaker 1: like Mother Nature has everything to teach us, right, Like 526 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:44,800 Speaker 1: a tree falls, it goes back into the earth and 527 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:48,920 Speaker 1: it feeds and it nourishes and new life forms out 528 00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:52,959 Speaker 1: of it and things that die away that no longer service. 529 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,960 Speaker 1: And here, but here's the tricky part. We have free will. 530 00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:59,000 Speaker 1: We don't have to choose to learn it. We can 531 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:02,080 Speaker 1: choose to go back to old ways. We can stick 532 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:04,680 Speaker 1: with those old comforts. And I have that in me, 533 00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:07,880 Speaker 1: like food is a big one for me when I 534 00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:11,480 Speaker 1: am feeling triggered, or if I'm emotional, if I'm bored, 535 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 1: it's like that is the thing that I go to 536 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:17,760 Speaker 1: because it's what I learned in this early formative place, 537 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:21,440 Speaker 1: that that's my comfort when everything outside of me felt 538 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:24,760 Speaker 1: like chaos, and that was the one thing I could control. 539 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:28,240 Speaker 1: And now it's like I do a lot of work 540 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:32,280 Speaker 1: to remind myself to ground to save Ruthie. You are 541 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:37,160 Speaker 1: so held, you are so loved, You're so safe in 542 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:40,440 Speaker 1: your body. You are safe. That was then and this 543 00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:43,720 Speaker 1: is now and we can choose something different. And you know, 544 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:47,080 Speaker 1: I believe that we get tested, not in a way 545 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,400 Speaker 1: that's mean, but in a way for growth. It's like 546 00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,800 Speaker 1: you've got to test out of the first grade to 547 00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:55,480 Speaker 1: get into the second grade, right, and it's like you 548 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:57,840 Speaker 1: heal this part so that you can go into It 549 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:01,120 Speaker 1: doesn't mean second grade. It is not harder like it's hard. 550 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:05,480 Speaker 1: It's hard. That is Earth's school, but it's also loving 551 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:09,720 Speaker 1: and I there are things now that like I've done 552 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,920 Speaker 1: so much work around, and it's not to say other 553 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:16,320 Speaker 1: things won't come up, but it doesn't carry the same weight. 554 00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:19,600 Speaker 1: Like I can sit in front of my husband ex 555 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:23,160 Speaker 1: husband and have the most beautiful life giving conversations or 556 00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:26,360 Speaker 1: see him dating and see and there's it doesn't have 557 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:30,880 Speaker 1: any triggers for me anymore. It's just beautiful. I can 558 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:34,720 Speaker 1: talk about my dad and I don't feel triggered by 559 00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:37,040 Speaker 1: it anymore. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, no, of 560 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 1: course I do, but like I feel him so close 561 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:45,200 Speaker 1: to me, I know that he is with me in 562 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,480 Speaker 1: some ways, I feel closer to him and his spiritself 563 00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:53,360 Speaker 1: than I even did in human form, And it doesn't 564 00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:56,200 Speaker 1: carry the same weight. Or even talking about the pain 565 00:32:56,320 --> 00:33:00,120 Speaker 1: story like, it doesn't carry the same weight now. And 566 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:05,640 Speaker 1: it's just I have watched things that used to really 567 00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:10,680 Speaker 1: trigger me not have the same hold on me as 568 00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:13,680 Speaker 1: it did before. And now there's other things that I 569 00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:16,320 Speaker 1: get to work on and go deeper with and it's 570 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:20,280 Speaker 1: and I will continue this journey like healing is ongoing 571 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:23,920 Speaker 1: again until we are back in the in between. And 572 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:28,720 Speaker 1: that is that's just that's the part of expansion that 573 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:32,560 Speaker 1: is what our souls came here for, UM, and it's 574 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:35,920 Speaker 1: and again it's not to punish us, it's for growth. 575 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:39,920 Speaker 1: It's actually loving. And the more that I when I 576 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:45,880 Speaker 1: bump up against things that I in my body, I say, okay, 577 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:49,600 Speaker 1: I trust that the universe wants good and beautiful things 578 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:52,479 Speaker 1: for me. So this is happening not for me and 579 00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:55,080 Speaker 1: not to me, Like that is one of my mantras, 580 00:33:55,200 --> 00:34:00,000 Speaker 1: that is, this is happening for me, not to me, um, 581 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:01,920 Speaker 1: And so how am I going to lean into this 582 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:05,080 Speaker 1: and not try to avoid it? And then and then 583 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:10,480 Speaker 1: like this beautiful thing happens because the pain it alcomizes 584 00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:16,520 Speaker 1: and it turns into this beautiful growth and again you 585 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:19,400 Speaker 1: just get to go deeper and then other things come up. 586 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:23,080 Speaker 1: Like it's not like when we have healing moments, we're 587 00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:25,839 Speaker 1: done that. That's just not how it works. That's not 588 00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:28,799 Speaker 1: Earth school. You know. I thought it was like I 589 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:32,480 Speaker 1: remember after my first therapy intensive being like, well I'm 590 00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:36,400 Speaker 1: probably fixed and out right like this is it right? 591 00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:39,440 Speaker 1: And then here I am, like eight years later hitting 592 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,759 Speaker 1: what I mean, this year for me has felt like 593 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:45,279 Speaker 1: another bottom, you know, And that's like I feel like 594 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:50,600 Speaker 1: I'm starting to grasp a little bit of maybe where 595 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:54,719 Speaker 1: the opportunity for growth is. But like I will resist, 596 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:58,960 Speaker 1: I will fight O wills, and I will do everything 597 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:01,480 Speaker 1: I can to keep holding onto the grip or the 598 00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:05,120 Speaker 1: false control that I think that I have, because it 599 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:10,279 Speaker 1: feels just so painful to lean into it. Yeah, we're 600 00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,600 Speaker 1: so perfectly human. It's so human of us. And I 601 00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:17,560 Speaker 1: think you know what I've been learning. First off, I 602 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:19,440 Speaker 1: just want to acknowledge what you just said, and I'm 603 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:23,520 Speaker 1: so sorry it's been so hard. I'm so sorry, sister, 604 00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:27,400 Speaker 1: because it's just it's so loaded and it's so painful. 605 00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:30,239 Speaker 1: And you know they always say that when our responses 606 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:36,879 Speaker 1: to things are hysterical, they're always historical. It's just that, yes, 607 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:41,560 Speaker 1: it's just bringing up stuff. Usually it's either you know, 608 00:35:41,719 --> 00:35:46,200 Speaker 1: early early childhood or family stuff that we're caring that 609 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:50,080 Speaker 1: really just wants it longs to be healed. And it 610 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:54,680 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it's not so painful. It's so hard. 611 00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:59,360 Speaker 1: But what I've been learning is our words are also 612 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,880 Speaker 1: so like we are the co creators of our own reality, 613 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:07,560 Speaker 1: and so when we speak these limiting things like I 614 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,319 Speaker 1: am broken, or I will never have this or this 615 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:13,279 Speaker 1: thing will never happen for me, or I will never 616 00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,640 Speaker 1: have that boyfriend, or I'll never have that happy life, 617 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:18,000 Speaker 1: or I'll never have that child, I'll never have that job. 618 00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:23,359 Speaker 1: We are speaking that reality into the universe, like I'm 619 00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,239 Speaker 1: not going to try to get into quantum physics because 620 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,480 Speaker 1: I don't know how to explain it. But I know 621 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:31,600 Speaker 1: it's true, Like I know every part of my soul 622 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:35,399 Speaker 1: knows that it's true. And so one of the things 623 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:39,200 Speaker 1: that I have been doing consciously, because we usually we're 624 00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:41,799 Speaker 1: not living very consciously, right, we just are. We have 625 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:44,920 Speaker 1: our brains are on loop. We have these deep neuropathways 626 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:49,720 Speaker 1: that say these limiting things to ourselves all freaking day, 627 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:53,760 Speaker 1: and so coming back in and starting to be aware 628 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:57,960 Speaker 1: of those stories and claiming them as that's just a story. 629 00:36:58,440 --> 00:37:01,120 Speaker 1: That doesn't mean it's true, because I know that story 630 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,040 Speaker 1: by heart. It's what I was taught and what I've 631 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:07,160 Speaker 1: been shown does not mean it's true. And so one 632 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,960 Speaker 1: thing I do is I literally I'll write out those 633 00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,680 Speaker 1: limiting stories that I hear myself stay on Luke, and 634 00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:16,640 Speaker 1: then I go and I'll say, so, let's say one 635 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,879 Speaker 1: of them is I am broken, I'll never feel better. 636 00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:26,880 Speaker 1: My positive opposite of that is I am healed and 637 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:30,279 Speaker 1: speaking things in an I am statement as though they 638 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:35,879 Speaker 1: are already. Your reality is so powerful, or I will 639 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:39,160 Speaker 1: never have a partner, I say every single day, I 640 00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:44,279 Speaker 1: am in a loving, mutual, expansive relationship that is connected emotionally, 641 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:48,480 Speaker 1: physically and spiritually. Wow, and some A lot of my 642 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,880 Speaker 1: stories were around money growing up, right, like I was 643 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:55,839 Speaker 1: taught real messed up stories for real money. We did 644 00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:58,160 Speaker 1: not have much and it was so stressful and there 645 00:37:58,239 --> 00:38:00,480 Speaker 1: was just a lot, and so a lot of my 646 00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:04,279 Speaker 1: work it's around wealth consciousness and so like my old 647 00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:07,000 Speaker 1: story is I'll always be broken, I'll always struggle with money. 648 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:09,800 Speaker 1: And now I say every single day and it's written 649 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:14,239 Speaker 1: all my author I am an unlimited being receiving from 650 00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:20,520 Speaker 1: an unlimited source and unlimited ways. And I watch that 651 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,919 Speaker 1: manifest like it's the most because we create our own 652 00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:26,799 Speaker 1: realities if I speak like listen, I thought I was 653 00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:29,400 Speaker 1: broken and said that, and that my body hated me 654 00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:33,400 Speaker 1: every day, all day for over fifteen years. I was 655 00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:36,680 Speaker 1: so parked in that story and I did hurt worse 656 00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:42,240 Speaker 1: every year for fifteen years. And then my story became 657 00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:46,879 Speaker 1: I am healed, and when I tell you, like the 658 00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:48,920 Speaker 1: things that I am able to do down't like listen, 659 00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:52,040 Speaker 1: my neck is still. It looks I'm not saying cured. 660 00:38:52,239 --> 00:38:54,279 Speaker 1: It looks more like a freaking tost reben than a 661 00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:58,880 Speaker 1: final cord like it. It absolutely does. And when I 662 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:01,080 Speaker 1: tell you that they things that I am able to 663 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:05,880 Speaker 1: do today physically, like I hike every day, I do yoga, 664 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:09,960 Speaker 1: I travel, and I doesn't have the repercussions on me 665 00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:12,920 Speaker 1: like it used to because I learned that my body 666 00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:16,600 Speaker 1: was holding onto so much emotional trauma. I learned that 667 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:20,279 Speaker 1: I was carrying, you know, my family's trauma. And I 668 00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:25,000 Speaker 1: learned these practices that have been so loving and coming 669 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:29,840 Speaker 1: back in and embodying myself and speaking love and truth 670 00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:33,120 Speaker 1: over my soul. Every single day that I am healed, 671 00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:37,600 Speaker 1: I am healing, like my body is this expansive growing. 672 00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:42,120 Speaker 1: Our bodies are longing for homeostasis like they were. Our brains, 673 00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:46,839 Speaker 1: our minds, our bodies were created to heal. And if 674 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:50,600 Speaker 1: we stay in those limited stories that doctor's manner told, 675 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:53,560 Speaker 1: I mean, listen all the limiting stories I've been told 676 00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:56,040 Speaker 1: by doctors of what I will experience for the rest 677 00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:57,920 Speaker 1: of my life, Like one day I'll be in a 678 00:39:57,920 --> 00:40:00,239 Speaker 1: wheelchair because I probably won't be able to walk. That 679 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:03,080 Speaker 1: there's a you know, if I believe that, I know 680 00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:07,279 Speaker 1: that that would become my reality. And like, fuck that 681 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:10,960 Speaker 1: that is my story. That is not my story. I 682 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:14,440 Speaker 1: say to myself, it's written all my mirror. I am 683 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:19,120 Speaker 1: healed and I believe that. And I speak that to 684 00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:22,960 Speaker 1: my beautiful body that has been holding me and loving 685 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:27,680 Speaker 1: me and calling me back home to myself, like that 686 00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:32,000 Speaker 1: shifting of realizing, like you know, I will do these 687 00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:35,799 Speaker 1: practices where I will just hold like hold myself and 688 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:39,480 Speaker 1: hug myself and touch the places that they have been 689 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:44,880 Speaker 1: debilitating pain, like holding my shoulder and saying, high, sweet shoulder, 690 00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:48,880 Speaker 1: thank you for calling me home to you. What do 691 00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:52,120 Speaker 1: you need for me? What? What emotions do you feel? 692 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:55,040 Speaker 1: What do you need me to process? What are you carrying? 693 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:59,759 Speaker 1: What are you holding? And like holding my neck. There's 694 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:03,160 Speaker 1: a book that is called You Can Heal Your Life 695 00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:06,160 Speaker 1: that is so life changing. I'm actually going through it 696 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:09,959 Speaker 1: for the second time right now. Um. It talks about 697 00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:13,160 Speaker 1: like body parts that hurt, and it has this massive 698 00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:16,840 Speaker 1: list and it talks about the limiting story that we believed, 699 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,920 Speaker 1: and then it gives you a mantra to say for 700 00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:23,440 Speaker 1: that body part, because it's usually some limiting story and 701 00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:26,960 Speaker 1: it is crazy because the exact body parts that have 702 00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:29,880 Speaker 1: caused that have called me home the most and have 703 00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:34,160 Speaker 1: been the most painful. Literally, the stories, the limiting stories, 704 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:37,360 Speaker 1: are exactly what I've said about myself, and they fears 705 00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:42,000 Speaker 1: that I've felt and it's wild. It's so I feel 706 00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,719 Speaker 1: like people listening, you know, because like I actually buy 707 00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:46,800 Speaker 1: into all of this stuff. And I see an energy 708 00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:50,239 Speaker 1: healer and she gives me like after each session, she'll 709 00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:52,440 Speaker 1: give me certain mantras to do for two weeks and 710 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:54,600 Speaker 1: you like either tap certain parts of your body, like 711 00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:57,520 Speaker 1: your head or the ones. Lately, I've been holding my 712 00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,960 Speaker 1: hands over my heart and say these things every day, 713 00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:04,040 Speaker 1: twice a day, and it's insane. But like when you 714 00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:06,840 Speaker 1: go to these appointments, the next one she's always like okay, 715 00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:10,400 Speaker 1: like it's like something you're right. The stories switch, But 716 00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:13,359 Speaker 1: most of the time I don't even know, and I'm 717 00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:16,239 Speaker 1: just not aware of what the stories are in my 718 00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:21,560 Speaker 1: head and they seem so real, you know, it seems 719 00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:26,279 Speaker 1: like such a truth. It's just you know, it is, 720 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,640 Speaker 1: and it's not even conscious. And these are Luke, it's 721 00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:34,520 Speaker 1: the deepest neuropathways. Like, but what's so beautiful is we 722 00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:39,680 Speaker 1: can create new neuropathways. And because our brains don't know time, 723 00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:42,160 Speaker 1: that's why I N d R and breath work and 724 00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:45,480 Speaker 1: plant medicine and all these things are so powerful because 725 00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:49,080 Speaker 1: we can go back in and do the most beautiful 726 00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:53,680 Speaker 1: healing work on our early childhood days and consciously, like 727 00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:57,960 Speaker 1: I do reparenting stuff on myself even and work in 728 00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:03,040 Speaker 1: my mom's womb, and my brain does not know that 729 00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:07,560 Speaker 1: that's not exactly how it happened. How freaking that's so insane. 730 00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,360 Speaker 1: That's the freaking coolest thing. And let me just backing 731 00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:13,879 Speaker 1: up a little about what you just said that we're 732 00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:17,960 Speaker 1: not aware even of the things. And that's why mindfulness 733 00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:24,480 Speaker 1: and conscious like consciously setting intentions and consciously constantly coming 734 00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:29,040 Speaker 1: back in and like being aware of these loops and 735 00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:32,960 Speaker 1: journaling about here's the stories that I hear myself saying 736 00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:36,359 Speaker 1: all day every day. And listen, when you start those 737 00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:39,040 Speaker 1: I AM statements, you're not going to believe it. It's 738 00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:42,439 Speaker 1: taken me forty years. Half the time I can't even 739 00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:46,279 Speaker 1: say them, like my my, I'll either start crying or 740 00:43:46,320 --> 00:43:49,480 Speaker 1: my body is like I have to force myself. Is 741 00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:53,560 Speaker 1: that happening? Absolutely? When I first started, I couldn't look 742 00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:55,279 Speaker 1: myself into I. I would try to do it in 743 00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:59,640 Speaker 1: the mirror and I. And that's why everything is a practice. 744 00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:03,080 Speaker 1: You've been practicing something else even though you didn't know it, 745 00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:07,560 Speaker 1: and creating the limiting story for yourself every day of 746 00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:09,840 Speaker 1: your life up into the points that you're conscious that 747 00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:13,120 Speaker 1: you're doing it. And at first it is a practice, 748 00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:17,080 Speaker 1: will you feel that it's true? No, But again, our 749 00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:21,440 Speaker 1: bodies here us, our minds, here us ourselves, here us 750 00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:26,200 Speaker 1: the freaking universe, here's us. So the more that you 751 00:44:26,239 --> 00:44:29,279 Speaker 1: start going in and just getting yourself to do it, 752 00:44:29,360 --> 00:44:32,879 Speaker 1: just start doing it. And again, like do you think 753 00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:34,440 Speaker 1: in first grade, all of a sudden you know how 754 00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:37,480 Speaker 1: to read and everything makes sense to you. Know, it's 755 00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:41,520 Speaker 1: a practice, and so it's doing that giving yourself that 756 00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:46,120 Speaker 1: self love every single day, Like put it on your mirror, 757 00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:50,080 Speaker 1: put it above your tub, put it and anywhere, put 758 00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:55,520 Speaker 1: it on your screensaver, like we are what we speak. 759 00:44:55,840 --> 00:44:57,879 Speaker 1: There's oh my gosh, I want to read this quote 760 00:44:57,920 --> 00:44:59,319 Speaker 1: to you. I wrote it down the other day because 761 00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:01,600 Speaker 1: I'm like, if that's not the freaking truest thing that 762 00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:05,239 Speaker 1: I've ever heard. I love her. Faf um, hold on, 763 00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:10,080 Speaker 1: let me find it real fast um. Harve says, what 764 00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:14,959 Speaker 1: we speak becomes the house we live in. I mean 765 00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:20,040 Speaker 1: another thing, he says. I wish I could show you, 766 00:45:20,080 --> 00:45:23,600 Speaker 1: when you were lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light 767 00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:28,080 Speaker 1: of your own being. And I think you know, the 768 00:45:28,239 --> 00:45:33,760 Speaker 1: stories give us such rooted self hatred and self loathing, 769 00:45:34,719 --> 00:45:39,799 Speaker 1: the shame stories, And what a radical act of resistance 770 00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:45,520 Speaker 1: to just experience self love. Because the more we love ourselves, 771 00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:50,080 Speaker 1: the more we show ourselves tenderness and gentleness and kindness, 772 00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:52,920 Speaker 1: the more we're able to go out and be a 773 00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:58,280 Speaker 1: mirror of that. If we like hate, you know, hurt people, 774 00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:03,800 Speaker 1: hurt people, but awaken people, Awaken people, enlighten people, enlighten people, 775 00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:08,400 Speaker 1: heal people, heal people. And so this is like the 776 00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:12,759 Speaker 1: most radical form of resistance because it removes. When we 777 00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:16,120 Speaker 1: come home to our bodies, you realize there is no 778 00:46:16,239 --> 00:46:19,080 Speaker 1: such thing as the other. You realize that we are 779 00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:24,640 Speaker 1: connected to everything and everyone, and it's only what the 780 00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:27,440 Speaker 1: patriarchy has taught us that there is another that we 781 00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:30,919 Speaker 1: are better than that. You know, there's this hierarchy. It's 782 00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:36,439 Speaker 1: all complete and utter bullshit. But if you're walking around dissociated, 783 00:46:36,520 --> 00:46:39,440 Speaker 1: it's real easy to believe those crazy, funked up stories. 784 00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:44,640 Speaker 1: When you come home in your body and you awakened 785 00:46:45,120 --> 00:46:50,680 Speaker 1: to the connectivity of everything, to Mother Earth, to other souls, 786 00:46:50,719 --> 00:46:57,120 Speaker 1: to nature, to plants, to all all life there, you 787 00:46:57,239 --> 00:47:00,719 Speaker 1: cannot believe there's another because it's there. Is knows that 788 00:47:00,719 --> 00:47:05,279 Speaker 1: that's the fucking illusion. That's the matrix, right, and that 789 00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:10,719 Speaker 1: is resistance. That is the most loving thing that we 790 00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:14,600 Speaker 1: can do in this world is coming home to yourself 791 00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:17,600 Speaker 1: and self love, because then there's no way you will 792 00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:20,080 Speaker 1: not show up as love in the world. There is 793 00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:22,560 Speaker 1: no way you won't show up and be a form 794 00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:25,800 Speaker 1: of resistance and speak out against and show up for 795 00:47:25,880 --> 00:47:28,319 Speaker 1: your b I p o C brothers and sisters. There's 796 00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:31,280 Speaker 1: no way you won't. It's not humanly possible.