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Speaker 1: And at the same time, you know, like you don't

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Speaker 1: have to love everything about ourselves. It's not the goal.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it'd be cute, but like in the perfect world,

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Speaker 1: but like we we are all imperfect, but it's what

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Speaker 1: we do with it. Hey, there, and welcome back to

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy Podcast. I am the host, Catherine, you

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Speaker 1: can call me Cat, and I am so excited you're here.

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Speaker 1: I haven't given a shout out to Alex, who has

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Speaker 1: creating my intra music in a really long time, so

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Speaker 1: I wanted to definitely do that before we get started here.

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Speaker 1: So Alex, thank you so much again for our special

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Speaker 1: intro music that you made just for us. You can

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Speaker 1: follow Alex at at booth Tunes on Instagram. That's b

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Speaker 1: O O T H t U and E s. Okay. Now,

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you guys noticed, but I did

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Speaker 1: change my Instagram handle for a couple of reasons, mainly

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Speaker 1: really not that important to you guys, but I changed

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Speaker 1: my at three Courts Therapy handle an Instagram profile that

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Speaker 1: is now at cat k A T dot de fata

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Speaker 1: d e f A T t A And I did

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Speaker 1: that because that's gonna be less of me promoting my

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Speaker 1: actual practice in me and promoting just essentially be and

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Speaker 1: my belief in whatever I want to put on there,

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Speaker 1: so it doesn't have to be so so associated with

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Speaker 1: the practice. So if you've seen like a random you're like,

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Speaker 1: I didn't follow that girl, it's me. One thing I

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Speaker 1: wanted to also say, attached to kind of my Instagram

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Speaker 1: change is that if you want to be part of

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Speaker 1: our newsletter, please d m me at at you need

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Speaker 1: Therapy podcast your email address. I will have an official

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Speaker 1: form soon, but right now, just dm me. We're about

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Speaker 1: two in the next week start pushing out some stuff

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Speaker 1: we've been working on for three and a half months,

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Speaker 1: and the newsletter people are going to get that first.

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Speaker 1: They're going to get special offers when it comes to

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Speaker 1: that stuff that will never be offered on Instagram or

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Speaker 1: on through the podcast or through the website. So if

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Speaker 1: you want the best offers, and if you want first

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Speaker 1: DIBs on stuff that will have limited amounts of please

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Speaker 1: send me your email. I have a bunch of them. Um,

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Speaker 1: you guys have been sending them in. But if you

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Speaker 1: are not on that, if you are not part of

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Speaker 1: the quarantine challenge, and if you were not part of

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Speaker 1: my old Three Chords Therapy newsletter. Then you need to

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Speaker 1: be added to this, So just send me your email

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Speaker 1: and then look out for that email. So if you

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Speaker 1: get an email from somebody that like from Cat or whatever,

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Speaker 1: look out for that email. If you're not getting the email,

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Speaker 1: then please let me know. You should get something in

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Speaker 1: the next week. So the past couple of weeks slash

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Speaker 1: week ish and a half at you Need There Be

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Speaker 1: and in You Need Therapy Land have been well. I'll

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Speaker 1: describe it as wild. I think that's the best word

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Speaker 1: for it. Um. The last episode we did on narcissistic

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Speaker 1: traits was taken down. If you were wondering where it went, um,

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Speaker 1: it was taken down. And while I personally have my

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Speaker 1: own feelings on this, what I will say is we

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Speaker 1: will have a new episode that covers all of these

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Speaker 1: things in the next couple of months, and it's going

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Speaker 1: to be even better than the last one. So don't

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Speaker 1: worry if you missed it, or if if you wanted

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Speaker 1: to listen to it again. Um, we'll have that information

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Speaker 1: out for you soon as soon as I can get

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Speaker 1: out and I'm doing I'm gonna do that because I

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Speaker 1: think this topic is very important. And I know that

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Speaker 1: episode was super helpful for a lot of people, So

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Speaker 1: we're going to get more on that subject. Don't worry,

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Speaker 1: We're working on it. Needless to say, I am so

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Speaker 1: grateful and excited to share a new episode with y'all today,

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Speaker 1: one that it's also very important and is. It's topic

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Speaker 1: that I could talk about every single episode, but I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to do that. Um. The topic is body image.

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Speaker 1: I have my friend and colleague, which is like such

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Speaker 1: a weird word to use describing her, but I guess

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Speaker 1: she is. Crystal. She owns and founded horriz In Nutrition Counseling,

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Speaker 1: which is actually housed in the same little cute building

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Speaker 1: slash house um that my practice is on Music Row,

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Speaker 1: and so I see her every day, talk to her

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Speaker 1: almost when I talked to her, Yeah, every day, And

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Speaker 1: she's been just a great asset for me in my

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Speaker 1: whole journey of learning about eating disorders and getting into

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Speaker 1: the work. I've known her ever since I started. Crystal

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Speaker 1: is literally the best I feel like. I already said that,

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Speaker 1: especially if you live here in Nashville too, So if

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Speaker 1: you are looking for a dietitian, you need to find

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Speaker 1: find her as soon as possible. Anyways, she's so smart.

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Speaker 1: I tell her all the time. She's genius. She's relatable,

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Speaker 1: and she's very real, and I think this episode really

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Speaker 1: highlighted all of that. I'm pumped for you guys to

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Speaker 1: get to hear from her and one day. I also

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Speaker 1: want to add that she's a registered dietitian. She's also

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Speaker 1: a certified eating disorder registered dietitian, which is a pretty

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Speaker 1: big deal and it takes a lot to get that certification.

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Speaker 1: And so you know, when you go to see Crystal

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Speaker 1: and you're struggling with these kinds of things, or if

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Speaker 1: you talk to her, if you hear what she's saying,

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Speaker 1: she's not making things up. She has gone above and

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Speaker 1: beyond to get the trainings and certifications to be able

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Speaker 1: to talk about this stuff with confidence and expertise. Now,

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Speaker 1: before I get us into that conversation, I do want

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Speaker 1: to put out there the disclaimer that this podcast is

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Speaker 1: not actual therapy. I am coming to y'all as Cat

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Speaker 1: the human who happens to be a therapist, but I'm

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Speaker 1: not giving you therapy on this podcast. And I want

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Speaker 1: this podcast to be a kickstarter that gets you thinking

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Speaker 1: and moving into your into your own healing that hopefully

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Speaker 1: you engage in with a professional throughout that through this

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Speaker 1: experien and if you are able to do that to

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Speaker 1: help widen um the experience you're having, and if you're

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Speaker 1: already doing your own therapy, this can just be an addition.

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Speaker 1: But this right here is not actual therapy, and I

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Speaker 1: cannot give you actual therapy on Instagram or any of that,

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Speaker 1: So I just want to put that out there, but

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Speaker 1: you can use this information as a way to get

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Speaker 1: into your own therapy. Also side note, most licensed professionals

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Speaker 1: can only practice in states which they're licensed. So for example,

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Speaker 1: I'm licensed, I'm a licensed therapist in Tennessee. That means

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Speaker 1: that I can only work with clients who live in Tennessee.

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Speaker 1: The same goes for Crystal when it comes to medical

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Speaker 1: nutrition counseling. So if you love her and you want

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Speaker 1: to work with her, please reach out to her. She's amazing,

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Speaker 1: but do know that she can only work with people

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Speaker 1: doing medical nutritional counseling who live in reside in Tennessee.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's where it gets a little Wishywashing

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Speaker 1: and Greg, especially with the whole idea of coaching and

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Speaker 1: what their guidelines and rules are, but when you have

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Speaker 1: a license, it's something that is highly regulated on purpose.

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Speaker 1: There's a reason that what we're doing is regulated because

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Speaker 1: we don't want and the people out like licensing boards

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Speaker 1: are there to protect people, and so if there are

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Speaker 1: strict rules and regulations around them, it's probably because the

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Speaker 1: stuff that we do serious and we can't just be

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Speaker 1: out there throwing stuff every which way because every state

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Speaker 1: has a different licensing board. So I do want to

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Speaker 1: put that out there. I know a lot of people

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Speaker 1: have reached out to me, and I can only work

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Speaker 1: with people who live in Tennessee. I'm sure that there

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Speaker 1: are people out there that would kind of ignore those guidelines.

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Speaker 1: I am not one of those. I really do not

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Speaker 1: want to do something that would harm somebody else, and

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Speaker 1: so I listen to the rules as much as I can. Oh.

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Speaker 1: I also want to say Crystal does mention in this

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Speaker 1: conversation all professionals are not created equal, and that is

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Speaker 1: so true. If you're someone who is struggling with body

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Speaker 1: image or eating disorder behaviors, I suggest you find a professional,

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Speaker 1: whether it's a dietitian or a therapist that's trained in

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Speaker 1: those areas, which goes into what I was saying before

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Speaker 1: about Crystal is a certified eating disorder registered diet titian. Sadly,

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Speaker 1: anyone can say they work with anything, So do your

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Speaker 1: homework before taking an information from just whoever you find

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Speaker 1: on the internet. Now, enough of that, let's get into

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Speaker 1: this conversation with Crystal. I can't control the because when

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Speaker 1: I talk about stuff, I get really heated and my voice.

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Speaker 1: Why why are you yelling? Because by okay, when you

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Speaker 1: were twelve? Start at twelve that somehow I'm like feeling

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Speaker 1: energy that that's like an important age. I'm just kidding.

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Speaker 1: So you you got your what did you go to

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Speaker 1: undergrad for? You have to talk in a microphone? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's already recording. Why didn't you to me? Because that

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Speaker 1: was I'm just testing a christ. Where did you grow up? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I grew up on the coast North Arolina, on a

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Speaker 1: really small island called Oak Island. Do you know where

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Speaker 1: the outer do you? Like? Of course you do? You know? Yes,

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Speaker 1: I do. Did I ever tell you that I grew

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Speaker 1: up going there every summer? No, we had a house

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Speaker 1: and duck it's six hours from where I'm from, so

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Speaker 1: that's not Yeah, I never actually thought we had a

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Speaker 1: connection anyway, but it actually just got hit by the

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Speaker 1: hurricane a couple of days ago. And um, yeah, but

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Speaker 1: that's where I grew up. It was really a cool

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Speaker 1: place to be in beach life. So you grew up

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Speaker 1: in North Carolina and you went to school and MT

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Speaker 1: s U. So tell me about how you made that choice.

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Speaker 1: MT is a great school, and it's very random. It's

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Speaker 1: super random. No one leaves North Carolina thinking like I'm

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Speaker 1: going to go to MT s U. Okay. Also MT

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Speaker 1: s U is a great school unless they went for

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Speaker 1: like something specific. Again, they have all of this, okay.

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Speaker 1: But the way I got to Nashville and mts U

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Speaker 1: had all started when I was fourteen, start living just

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Speaker 1: uh and there was just some family trauma that happened,

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Speaker 1: and out of that I got into a sticky relationship

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Speaker 1: that lasted until I was oh. Um, and so anyway,

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Speaker 1: he was a musician and wanted to move to Nashville,

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Speaker 1: and I actually got married to him when I was eighteen,

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Speaker 1: and I did not get married at eighteen. I did

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Speaker 1: not know that. Yeah, well it was out of you know,

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Speaker 1: that relationship was out of this trauma and trauma bondings.

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Speaker 1: When I learned later. I don't know that I've explained that.

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Speaker 1: Do you want to explain what trauma bonding is. No,

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Speaker 1: I'm not the therapist here. You know what it is.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's it's a trauma. No you I can't say, okay.

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Speaker 1: A trauma bond is when you create a relationship or

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Speaker 1: bond with somebody while you're moving through a traumatic experience.

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Speaker 1: It can be good and bad. So if you get

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Speaker 1: a serious illness like cancer or something, and you're married

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Speaker 1: and your husband goes to all of your appointments with you,

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Speaker 1: and you move through that process and it brings you closer,

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Speaker 1: you can create a healthy trauma bond like you are

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Speaker 1: bonded that person. They helped move you through that experience.

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Speaker 1: If your husband is healthy, that's okay. A trauma bond

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Speaker 1: can also happen in a negative way, which is like

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Speaker 1: that whole idea of Stockholm syndrome, Like when the people

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Speaker 1: come become in love with their captors, it's because they

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Speaker 1: are going through trauma and the people that are closest

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Speaker 1: to them, that's who you're going to pull in for

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Speaker 1: like safety and connection, and so they're connected to these

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Speaker 1: people and as they're surviving their trauma. They think it

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Speaker 1: is all you know, really fox with your head. So

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Speaker 1: you're saying, I trauma bonded with this person and it

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Speaker 1: it might not be that he was the right person

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Speaker 1: for me, but he was there and available and gave

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Speaker 1: me the things that I needed to survive while I

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Speaker 1: was experiencing this unrest or eruption in my family system

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Speaker 1: or wherever your trauma happened. That was beautifully said, thank you.

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Speaker 1: You can find me at three Courts Therapy dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can't, yes, so um So, he moved to Nashville,

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Speaker 1: and I did my first year of college in North Carolina.

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Speaker 1: And then when we got married, I graduated high school.

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Speaker 1: I was seventeen. That's why that happened, not because I'm

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Speaker 1: super smart, but but because I just started school at

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Speaker 1: an earlier age. And then yeah, and then when we

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Speaker 1: got married, I moved here, and then I needed to

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Speaker 1: finish married before you moved. Yeah, and then I moved

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Speaker 1: here like right after the wedding, And that was trauma

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Speaker 1: of itself, because I moved from a um, tiny little

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Speaker 1: island to Nashville, and I was like, what is an interstate?

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Speaker 1: You know, my first time driving on an interstate was

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Speaker 1: on my way to college. I was eighteen. I accidentally

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Speaker 1: got on the interstate once on the way to my

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Speaker 1: doctor's office, and I panicked. I thought I was turning

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Speaker 1: on like a side street and I was ended up

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Speaker 1: on the interstate. And I called my mom and I

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Speaker 1: was like, wow, I interstate. I don't know what to do.

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Speaker 1: My mom was like, get off it off. That's like

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Speaker 1: that clueless. Do you remember when like interstate? That's exactly

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Speaker 1: what I'm pictured. It's not great. Okay, So what was

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Speaker 1: your process of I'm eighteen and I'm married and now

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go to college. Did the people around

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Speaker 1: you were they like, oh, you're married? What was that? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: There was. I felt um embarrassed. Yeah, like I didn't

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Speaker 1: like to tell like the adults around me, Like when

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Speaker 1: I got into a church and stuff and people were

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Speaker 1: at skiing, you know, I was. I felt embarrassed because

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Speaker 1: people the next thing they would say is oh, you know,

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Speaker 1: or like look really, So it wasn't like an exciting

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Speaker 1: thing for you, Like it wasn't because I think part

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Speaker 1: of me knew like this probably isn't a great idea.

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Speaker 1: And my mom like everyone was against it, and your

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Speaker 1: family was yeah, for sure. I mean, I don't know

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Speaker 1: what there's some my family anyway, it was just very

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Speaker 1: like this is a terrible decision. And because they saw

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Speaker 1: like our whole relations So I was fourteen, you know,

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Speaker 1: I had a raging eating disorder at the time and

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Speaker 1: two and so that wasn't you know everything, and then

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Speaker 1: moving ten eleven hours from my family and not knowing

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Speaker 1: anyone's scary. And at the same time, I'm really thankful

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Speaker 1: for it because I wouldn't be who I am today. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's one of those things where it's like I'm grateful

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Speaker 1: for my life. I'm grateful for what I have, and

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Speaker 1: I'm really pissed. Maybe pissed I might be putting feelings

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Speaker 1: on you. I wouldn't choose to find all of these

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Speaker 1: things that way, but it did help me find those things.

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Speaker 1: That makes sense. That's why I feel about some of

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Speaker 1: my stuff. I'm like it ended up good in the end,

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Speaker 1: but I wish we could have gotten here different. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I guess. And my ex husband, you know, he the

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Speaker 1: idea of like we were meant to be together. You know,

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Speaker 1: we say that it was like forever, and it's like,

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Speaker 1: I think maybe we were meant to be together. He

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Speaker 1: did get me through like this really hard time, and

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Speaker 1: that doesn't mean like we were meant to be together forever,

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Speaker 1: you know, all right, Okay, so you went to mpt

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Speaker 1: s U and then what were you thinking you were

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Speaker 1: going to do? Um? I didn't know, so I actually

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Speaker 1: and I entered and it was my sophomore year at

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Speaker 1: that point. UM undecided. And then because I didn't know

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Speaker 1: what I was doing, I ended up you know, well

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Speaker 1: my husband's and then you know, in music, so like

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Speaker 1: maybe I'll go into music, which I hated, and I

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Speaker 1: got out and I was failing the classes and was

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Speaker 1: so forth. It was very boring I had. I had

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Speaker 1: no interest in it at all. I like music, but

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Speaker 1: I'm not in the music business and that my brain

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Speaker 1: just doesn't work that way. So that was a waste

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Speaker 1: of going through that process. And then also very active

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Speaker 1: in an eating disorder, so it was just kind of

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Speaker 1: those things were like confirming how terrible of a person

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Speaker 1: I was and I was a failure and not smart

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Speaker 1: and all those things. And so then I met this

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Speaker 1: lady at a pool at our apartment complex, mind two,

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Speaker 1: and I was telling her the story of like I

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Speaker 1: don't know what I'm doing with my life, and she

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Speaker 1: was like, you know what you should do? I got

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Speaker 1: it be a dental hygienist. And I was like yeah,

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Speaker 1: except I have dental trauma and I actually can't even

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Speaker 1: get myself to walk into a dentist like, let alone

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Speaker 1: touch people's teeth, Like I can't even acknowledge my own

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Speaker 1: Like why would this be a great idea? Except I

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Speaker 1: was like maybe so and it was just like what

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Speaker 1: she did, you know, and everyone should do that? So

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Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, you know, I'll try that. So

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Speaker 1: then I um changed my major to that and I

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Speaker 1: thought it was like a I didn't know you had

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Speaker 1: to go to get an undergrad degree to do that.

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Speaker 1: I thought it was like a program you did. I

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Speaker 1: changed my major to pre dental oh um, and I

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Speaker 1: wish right. This is the example of when you literally

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Speaker 1: have no idea who you are right, well for sure

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Speaker 1: for sure? And yeah, I was like every day it

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Speaker 1: was like why am I here? What am I doing? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: It was tough, So that didn't work out. But one

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Speaker 1: of the classes that was required for that major was

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Speaker 1: a basic nutrition class and I went to that class

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Speaker 1: the first day and it was like the active when

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Speaker 1: you're eating disorder super active, which was which looked like

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Speaker 1: what behavior wife, restricting, binging, purging through, vomiting, laxatives, all

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Speaker 1: the all this everything, Yes, everything. I was very sick.

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Speaker 1: I got ahold of adderall. I had a little dealer

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Speaker 1: on campus. Did you know that it was bad? I

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Speaker 1: knew it was God, I was getting bad and I

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Speaker 1: knew I was super miserable. Did anybody know? No, because

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Speaker 1: I didn't know anyone in your husband and he was

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Speaker 1: just like, why are you taking laxatives? And and then

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Speaker 1: was like, die your hair blonde? I was like he

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Speaker 1: added to the fact that you needed to do these things. Yes,

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Speaker 1: maintain image for sure, right because he like hair. I'll

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Speaker 1: show you some pictures. It was pretty, so very dark

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Speaker 1: brown hair, so being this is my natural cat and

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Speaker 1: you know, like you have a really pretty colored brown.

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Speaker 1: People dye their hair at that, right, they should like

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Speaker 1: I should have No, No, I should like that I

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Speaker 1: had had. I had normal where you shouldn't have. I

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Speaker 1: mean shooting on like again to paint a picture. What

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Speaker 1: I'm hearing is there, you're this super young person whose

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Speaker 1: brain hasn't fully developed yet, who's gone through this whole

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00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,400
Speaker 1: experience of life and relationships have changed as I knew

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Speaker 1: them and kind of blew up when I was a

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Speaker 1: teen preteen, I find this person to help me feel okay,

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Speaker 1: and I feel okay if he's okay with me. So

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Speaker 1: now you're maintaining your image, so he's okay with you.

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Speaker 1: And that came in a form of an eating disorder.

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Speaker 1: Probably I'm assuming like how you dressed and presented yourself

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Speaker 1: and spoke, and yeah, but I was also a mute,

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Speaker 1: like I was almost like you. I never spoke and

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Speaker 1: when I did, you could barely hear me. And it

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00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:01,840
Speaker 1: was all like a lot of things happened like growing

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Speaker 1: up and stuff where I I really thought like I

349
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Speaker 1: was dumb, Like I was a really dumb person, and

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Speaker 1: if I spoke, people would hear that I was really dumb.

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Speaker 1: So like I didn't speak, and in my ex was

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Speaker 1: would speak for me, so like I didn't, hadn't. It

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Speaker 1: was a whole thing. So yeah, yeah, it was. There's

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Speaker 1: a lot. Do you want to do you need the therapy?

355
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Speaker 1: Do you want? Okay, I'm gonna move my chair back,

356
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Speaker 1: but you what I'm thinking in my head because I

357
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:37,879
Speaker 1: met you, you were married. I met you two thousand

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Speaker 1: and thirteen, which is why no I did twelve. I

359
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Speaker 1: don't know, it does not have an important I think

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Speaker 1: it was. And I remember so we were working in

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Speaker 1: a men's program. You only worked with men at that time,

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Speaker 1: men's program of a treatment center, and I was an intern.

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Speaker 1: And you know, when you're like you're younger, you think

364
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Speaker 1: everybody's like so much older and wise than you. I

365
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Speaker 1: remember after it was after a staffing, which is when

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Speaker 1: like the whole treatment team would come together and we

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Speaker 1: talked about cases, and I think my supervisor, I don't

368
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Speaker 1: think she was frustrated with me, but I think she

369
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Speaker 1: just was like, you need to speak up more, because

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Speaker 1: to me, she would sit and afterwards you said you

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Speaker 1: need to find your inner bitch, you start being more

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Speaker 1: of a bit. And I was like, I can't do

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Speaker 1: that because but what's funny is I couldn't do that

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Speaker 1: because in my story, I had a lot of people

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Speaker 1: when I was younger say that I was a bit

376
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Speaker 1: and say that I was mean, but I wasn't. I

377
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Speaker 1: don't believe I was mean. I think I was like

378
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Speaker 1: really insecure. I might have come off as mean, but

379
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Speaker 1: people would even say, like I've resting bitch face and

380
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Speaker 1: they're like, I don't even look welcoming. And I never

381
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Speaker 1: wanted to give that after I went to college and

382
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Speaker 1: never wanted that reputation. I wanted to be the nice

383
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Speaker 1: one and like the welcoming one and the forgiving one

384
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Speaker 1: and sweet one. So when you were like you need

385
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Speaker 1: to be a bit, I was like, no, because in

386
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:08,080
Speaker 1: my story, when you're a bit, people don't like you

387
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,640
Speaker 1: and they don't want to be a part of you.

388
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:13,720
Speaker 1: And anyway, it's that's important. What's important is that is

389
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:17,479
Speaker 1: such a stark to what you were so before, like

390
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,560
Speaker 1: you did not you needed to find your name bit.

391
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Speaker 1: But so you were just like, I'll do what you

392
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,800
Speaker 1: say because I think really low of me. Yeah yeah, yeah,

393
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,680
Speaker 1: you went you change your major and you went to

394
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Speaker 1: a nutrition class. That's where we got off. Yes, yes,

395
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Speaker 1: So I went into this class and as soon as

396
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Speaker 1: the teacher started talking, I was like it was like

397
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,520
Speaker 1: this beam of light came down and was like, this

398
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Speaker 1: is what you're doing there, And it was like this

399
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:53,600
Speaker 1: whole like meant to be like in my body, like

400
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,159
Speaker 1: I felt something like click, this is what you're supposed

401
00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,800
Speaker 1: to do. And it never occurred to me to do

402
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 1: like go into nutrition even when I was going through

403
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,280
Speaker 1: like therapy as a child, you know, when I was

404
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,720
Speaker 1: in my eating disorder as a teenager, and and like

405
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,840
Speaker 1: I never put it together like that I could do that,

406
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,720
Speaker 1: or what a dietitian was, like I thought they were

407
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:21,159
Speaker 1: like the person talking to me about nutrition as a

408
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,000
Speaker 1: teenager was like a nurse or somebody in the medical profession.

409
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:29,119
Speaker 1: I didn't realize this was a profession, you know. So

410
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,320
Speaker 1: I just I didn't put it together. And so that

411
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:36,160
Speaker 1: day I went to the dean and was like, changed

412
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Speaker 1: my major to nutrition. And then that semester I also

413
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Speaker 1: got news that I was failing out of college and

414
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Speaker 1: that I was going to be suspended for a whole year.

415
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:53,520
Speaker 1: And so, did you have an inclination and that was happening. No,

416
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Speaker 1: And I'll tell you why. I always like, I always

417
00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:02,240
Speaker 1: think I'm failing anyway. But at that point, my eating

418
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,159
Speaker 1: disorder was so bad I never went to class, and

419
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Speaker 1: I did in my mind, I was going to class.

420
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Speaker 1: And so if you don't go, you you fail. You

421
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,719
Speaker 1: don't know what's happening. When you take a test, you

422
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:19,800
Speaker 1: fail it, you know. But in my mind, I was like, yeah, well, dull,

423
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,359
Speaker 1: because you're dumb, Like this is all evidence that, yes,

424
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:27,200
Speaker 1: that you knew your entire life that like you are

425
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:29,240
Speaker 1: not smart and you're not going to be anything, and

426
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,199
Speaker 1: why are you here? And so to me, it was

427
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,439
Speaker 1: just kind of like, well, yeah, I mean I expected

428
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:39,120
Speaker 1: this because why wouldn't it happen? And so I went

429
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,960
Speaker 1: to one of the professors and I was like I

430
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:44,119
Speaker 1: don't understand, you know, like why am I failing? And

431
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,840
Speaker 1: she was like where are you? Like you're not in class,

432
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,959
Speaker 1: like what are you doing when it's class time? And

433
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 1: I was like, what do you mean? Where I was

434
00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:04,360
Speaker 1: was mpt SU has a beautiful all gym. So when

435
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,440
Speaker 1: I would go to school because I had I commuted

436
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:12,600
Speaker 1: like a forty five minute drive there, Um, I would

437
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,600
Speaker 1: go to the gym. It was two stories. They had

438
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,080
Speaker 1: classes all day. There was just you know, there's a

439
00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:21,040
Speaker 1: cardio quid like everything, and so I would be there

440
00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:23,880
Speaker 1: for six to seven hours a day. I was passing

441
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:27,040
Speaker 1: out all machines. I started eating half of a peanut

442
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:30,040
Speaker 1: butter and jelly sandwich in the shower stall because I

443
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,920
Speaker 1: didn't want anyone to see me eating, and then I

444
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:36,119
Speaker 1: would go back out because I was passing out and

445
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,080
Speaker 1: they told me I couldn't come back, And so the

446
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,040
Speaker 1: gym told you can, yeah, until like I had some

447
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:45,720
Speaker 1: sort of doctor thing. And so what I started to

448
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,560
Speaker 1: do is I learned everyone's schedule, and then because it's

449
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:52,920
Speaker 1: two stories, I would spend half the day like upstairs,

450
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,480
Speaker 1: like I would take a class and then like go

451
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,679
Speaker 1: walk around the track and then take another class, and

452
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,840
Speaker 1: then I'd go downstairs and do some like weights, and

453
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,919
Speaker 1: then i'd go back up to the cardio are like

454
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 1: I had a whole thing. And then I would go

455
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:11,520
Speaker 1: to the um like cafeteria where they had a buffet,

456
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,280
Speaker 1: and I had like a meal plan so I could

457
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:18,480
Speaker 1: just go eat whenever, and I would go in there

458
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:23,200
Speaker 1: at the end of breakfast, and I would stay in

459
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:26,639
Speaker 1: there to the start of lunch, and I basically like

460
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:32,159
Speaker 1: would binge on like the buffet. So anyway, once that

461
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:36,680
Speaker 1: kind of was brought to my attention, when I took

462
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:41,639
Speaker 1: that year off, I got some help, and um I

463
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,200
Speaker 1: took a couple of online classes at the community college

464
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:48,720
Speaker 1: and and then was able to start my nutrition degree

465
00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 1: in the summer of two thousand seven. And then once

466
00:26:55,560 --> 00:27:01,520
Speaker 1: I started that, I had straight a's killing it because

467
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,199
Speaker 1: and it was like it was back on but like

468
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,920
Speaker 1: I found like my calling in life, like my passion,

469
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:11,720
Speaker 1: and I loved it so much. So yeah, that's how

470
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,399
Speaker 1: that happened. I wonder there's a part of me it's like,

471
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 1: were you attracted to the idea of being a dietitian

472
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:21,160
Speaker 1: out of your eating disorder? It never it never clicked

473
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:24,879
Speaker 1: to me. It didn't. And even in my internship I

474
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,560
Speaker 1: did my internship at Vanderbilt, someone from the treat like

475
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,680
Speaker 1: from the treatment center came and like talked about eating

476
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,439
Speaker 1: disorder treatment and I was like, I would never do.

477
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:39,560
Speaker 1: And then my first job was working at the street

478
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,440
Speaker 1: and it was just like it was it was meant

479
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,919
Speaker 1: to be. Like it was like, Crystal, you're gonna have

480
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,280
Speaker 1: to take a back seat because you will ruin everything.

481
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:52,119
Speaker 1: Let's just let me take you on this ride because

482
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,400
Speaker 1: I will get you to where your hopes and dreams are.

483
00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:00,800
Speaker 1: When you started going to school and started actually enjoying

484
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,920
Speaker 1: what you were learning and being aware, what did that

485
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: do to one your sense of identity but also your

486
00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:12,520
Speaker 1: relationship that I'm actually realizing I'm smart. I didn't realize

487
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:18,040
Speaker 1: I was smart until working at the ranch for about

488
00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:21,560
Speaker 1: a year when I gained like confidence in what I was,

489
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:26,080
Speaker 1: when I knew any client could walk in the door

490
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:27,760
Speaker 1: and I would have some idea of how to help

491
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,480
Speaker 1: them in some sort of way. And when I figured

492
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:33,960
Speaker 1: out like I don't have to like I have it

493
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,600
Speaker 1: in my brain, like this knowledge that I can actually

494
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:41,240
Speaker 1: share without reading in it and then like having a

495
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,240
Speaker 1: meltdown because I can't retain it, you know, and that

496
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:48,320
Speaker 1: kind of stuff. And once I did that, I noticed

497
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:51,920
Speaker 1: like people was respecting me, people would ask me to

498
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 1: like yeah, and like people were asking me to do

499
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:59,400
Speaker 1: speaking engagements and stuff. I just became more and more

500
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:03,000
Speaker 1: confident it. And then I learned so much from the

501
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:07,880
Speaker 1: therapists about trauma bond and about narcissism and gas lighting

502
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:11,720
Speaker 1: and relationship addiction, like all of these things, and I

503
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:14,800
Speaker 1: was like, oh my gosh. And at the same time,

504
00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:18,680
Speaker 1: my relationship while I was there was horrible and I

505
00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:22,440
Speaker 1: didn't I realized, never wanted to go home. Yeah, So

506
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,760
Speaker 1: because my everybody knew that you like worked a lot,

507
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,120
Speaker 1: I didn't know everyone knew that. I guess not everybody.

508
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,160
Speaker 1: I probably talked to like five people there, but it

509
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:35,640
Speaker 1: was more like you're obsessed with working as in like passion.

510
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,959
Speaker 1: I didn't know the behind the scene story of that,

511
00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:41,320
Speaker 1: like why you worked so much. I imagine it's part

512
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,440
Speaker 1: because I'm finding this thing that actually makes me feel

513
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,160
Speaker 1: good about myself and that does me not want to

514
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:50,000
Speaker 1: go home because I don't get to have that space. Okay,

515
00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:54,880
Speaker 1: So you start working at the ranch. You didn't know

516
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:56,920
Speaker 1: you wanted to work on eating disorders. You went there

517
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,680
Speaker 1: more as like a dietitian, and then you worked, You

518
00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:01,760
Speaker 1: started working with you didn't disorders. Had that happened? I

519
00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:09,680
Speaker 1: started working there as uh, exercise specialist and dietitian, working

520
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:15,120
Speaker 1: in the more like addiction realm and not necessarily working

521
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,160
Speaker 1: in the eating disorder house because you want Yeah you

522
00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:21,920
Speaker 1: never did the eating disorder program, right, Um, but we

523
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,800
Speaker 1: had men that came in with it, for sure. I

524
00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:27,600
Speaker 1: want you to tell me about and you can put

525
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:30,480
Speaker 1: your personal spin on this. You can talk about it

526
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,800
Speaker 1: personally and what that meant, but also what makes you

527
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:37,960
Speaker 1: now passionate about the eating disorder work and the body

528
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:40,720
Speaker 1: image work. I see you as like an expert. Do

529
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:44,520
Speaker 1: you see yourself as an expert? Yes? Is that hard

530
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 1: for you to say? And what's the what courses do

531
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:53,000
Speaker 1: you teach at lipscumb I teach in the graduate program

532
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:58,440
Speaker 1: eating disorders, the counseling. It's counseling. They have a class

533
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:01,680
Speaker 1: on eating disorders they do. Yeah, I've been teaching there.

534
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:08,960
Speaker 1: I didn't know that was graduate. Oh my god, Okay,

535
00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:13,000
Speaker 1: that is so cool. Vanderbilt did not have that. Well

536
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 1: I created it because so I did my master's at

537
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:21,080
Speaker 1: Lipscomb and the director, one of my professors, became the

538
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 1: director and I while I was working at the ranch,

539
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:28,880
Speaker 1: I you know, I had a wealth of knowledge and experience,

540
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 1: and I reached out to her. It was like, you know,

541
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:35,480
Speaker 1: I'd love to teach if there's ever an opportunity. And

542
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:37,200
Speaker 1: she was like, well, what would you teach? And I

543
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:40,680
Speaker 1: was like, well, you know, as far as I know,

544
00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 1: there's not any really universities around here that teach eating disorders.

545
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 1: And this is a huge deal for people in the

546
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:53,120
Speaker 1: counseling program, in the nutrition and exercise science programs. At

547
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:55,720
Speaker 1: that point, they didn't have pharmacy or anything yet. But

548
00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:58,080
Speaker 1: I was just like, this is something that people need

549
00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:01,120
Speaker 1: to not just no exist, but like need to know

550
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:05,800
Speaker 1: about yeah, and like treatment and all that and so um.

551
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 1: It's so because it's so hard to miss because eating

552
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:11,360
Speaker 1: disorders can look like health, I think a lot. Right.

553
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:14,120
Speaker 1: The one of the very first things I say in

554
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:17,960
Speaker 1: the very first class is that eating disorders looks like everyone.

555
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,000
Speaker 1: And I say that because I know there's probably going

556
00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:23,720
Speaker 1: to be people in the class with eating disorders, and

557
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:26,880
Speaker 1: so I say that because I also talk about like

558
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:30,520
Speaker 1: we're gonna we're gonna talk about some things that could

559
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,800
Speaker 1: bring up personal stuff, and I need to know if

560
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:36,920
Speaker 1: you don't feel safe, if you know, if you need support,

561
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:40,560
Speaker 1: please come talk to me after class. And you know,

562
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:43,560
Speaker 1: and that has happened many times. And uh. And one

563
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 1: of the things the very first assignment they get is

564
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:51,400
Speaker 1: for them to write a paper on their nutrition philosophy

565
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:54,120
Speaker 1: and how it has evolved over the course of their lifespan,

566
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:58,080
Speaker 1: because it gives me an idea of what's in the class,

567
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:03,560
Speaker 1: but it gives them the opportunity to actually put it

568
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:06,200
Speaker 1: on paper, because a lot of times no one's ever

569
00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:08,280
Speaker 1: asked them to do that. And then as they're writing

570
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:11,360
Speaker 1: there like oh wow, like this is actually really hard

571
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:16,040
Speaker 1: for me to acknowledge, and you know, and this is

572
00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 1: what I want out of this class. And what I

573
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 1: also tell them is that this class is not eating

574
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 1: a sort of treatment for you, because that just oh

575
00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 1: my god, that makes me. I can't This is me

576
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:32,000
Speaker 1: holding myself accountable. I can't take something else on that

577
00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:34,840
Speaker 1: makes me want to like reach out to Vanderbilt and

578
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:37,800
Speaker 1: be like, you need this, yeah, because it really should

579
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:39,840
Speaker 1: be something that's taught to people who are going to

580
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:43,200
Speaker 1: go out. They have an addictions class, but they don't

581
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 1: have how would you frame like your food philosophy or

582
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:52,480
Speaker 1: your philosophy of treating any client. Really, you know, we

583
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:56,240
Speaker 1: legalize all foods, all foods fit. That makes me feel

584
00:33:56,480 --> 00:34:05,400
Speaker 1: really comfortable with me sending half my class to Okay,

585
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:10,840
Speaker 1: So I want to know something that became really evident

586
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:14,600
Speaker 1: to you as somebody who did not have training on

587
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:17,920
Speaker 1: body image work before that. You probably got some while

588
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 1: you're there because going into that stuff. This is what

589
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,440
Speaker 1: a lot of people think is body image work is

590
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:30,200
Speaker 1: learning how to love what your body looks like and

591
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:34,000
Speaker 1: changing your opinions of what your body looks like. It's

592
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,120
Speaker 1: kind of what I think people come into it thinking,

593
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,440
Speaker 1: what is a much bigger thing than that? And I

594
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,080
Speaker 1: do not think body image work can be scaled down

595
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 1: to learning how to love what your body looks like.

596
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,160
Speaker 1: I don't think that's what the point is, and a

597
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:49,120
Speaker 1: lot of people think that's the point, and that's why

598
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,719
Speaker 1: it seems like almost impossible. I think a lot of

599
00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:55,320
Speaker 1: people teach it that that that is the point, especially

600
00:34:55,440 --> 00:35:00,600
Speaker 1: on social media platforms. There's a lot of very positive counts,

601
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:04,120
Speaker 1: but they um bolster body image work and the positive

602
00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:07,320
Speaker 1: body image movement as learning to love what everything looks

603
00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:10,799
Speaker 1: like when that might not be saying that's possible or

604
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,359
Speaker 1: it feel like it's possible. So I want to know

605
00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:17,360
Speaker 1: what your process and what you learned about body image

606
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:21,239
Speaker 1: work throughout your career because it might have shifted and

607
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:25,680
Speaker 1: what it means to you now. Yeah, we had incredible

608
00:35:25,719 --> 00:35:29,520
Speaker 1: training and mentors at the RANT, so valuable, especially early

609
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:32,359
Speaker 1: in your profession when you're learning, you want to learn

610
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,280
Speaker 1: the right stuff, you know. I when I was an intern,

611
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:39,120
Speaker 1: I worked through the summer because I was like, I

612
00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:41,080
Speaker 1: can't get enough of this. That's why I worked all

613
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:44,680
Speaker 1: the time. I genuinely loved being it was like a family. Yeah.

614
00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:50,040
Speaker 1: What I really learned first was that body image is

615
00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:55,279
Speaker 1: such a brain game, Like it really is. In the

616
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:57,680
Speaker 1: way that I look at it, it's so tied into

617
00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 1: like your nervous system. And the way I kind of

618
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:04,719
Speaker 1: describe it is we can see a poisonous snake on

619
00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:07,480
Speaker 1: the ground, in our nervous system reacts with like oh

620
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:10,439
Speaker 1: my god, danger, danger or fight or flight, And that's

621
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:13,279
Speaker 1: kind of what we can perceive our body as, like

622
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:16,000
Speaker 1: this thing that's like terrifying. We can't look at it

623
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:20,200
Speaker 1: and we can't even begin to touch it because your

624
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:24,319
Speaker 1: brain is like that is going to kill you. Why

625
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,480
Speaker 1: are you about to touch or touching like a hot stove.

626
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:28,680
Speaker 1: I'm asking you to put your hand on a hot

627
00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:31,279
Speaker 1: stove and keep it there. You know your brain and

628
00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:33,759
Speaker 1: nervous system will not allow that to happen. You know,

629
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:37,520
Speaker 1: you know what is it's speaking of trauma bonds is

630
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,640
Speaker 1: a lot of us through our experience of our eating disorder.

631
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:43,680
Speaker 1: We talk a lot about like how eating disorders become

632
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:48,160
Speaker 1: like friends almost, but you become trauma bonded to the

633
00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:51,840
Speaker 1: eating disorder, yes, and so because it's at some point

634
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 1: it has saved you, you know, and then it becomes

635
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:57,440
Speaker 1: just like Okay, well now you're ruining my life and

636
00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:00,560
Speaker 1: trauma bonded to the negative body image. If you get

637
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:02,399
Speaker 1: rid of the negative body image that eating is sort

638
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,279
Speaker 1: of might not be as important to you. Once you

639
00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:09,400
Speaker 1: understand that, you understand what the brain is doing, It's like, okay,

640
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:12,759
Speaker 1: now we have all of these tools and strategies to

641
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:18,880
Speaker 1: work with it and to increase cellular density in areas

642
00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:22,399
Speaker 1: that are really low. You know. Get that means so like,

643
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:24,879
Speaker 1: you know, the brain is not a muscle, but if

644
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 1: you imagine it as a muscle when you're doing like

645
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:31,560
Speaker 1: bicep curls, the more you exercise that muscle, it's going

646
00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 1: to get stronger and it could get bigger. And because

647
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:40,000
Speaker 1: it increases the cells, right, cellular density, So then the

648
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 1: more cellular density you have, the more blood flow and

649
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:48,560
Speaker 1: more capillaries that have to grow to fuel those cells,

650
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:52,920
Speaker 1: which is more oxygen, more nutrients so that it thrives.

651
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:56,080
Speaker 1: And so when we don't use those parts of the

652
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:59,680
Speaker 1: brain based on like different traumas or whatever it is,

653
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,560
Speaker 1: the cellular density can go down. And that's why you

654
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:06,759
Speaker 1: can get so stuck in in these parts of you know,

655
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:12,320
Speaker 1: like the negative body image. And so the therapeutic strategies

656
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:16,880
Speaker 1: you used is to really focus on increasing that cellular density.

657
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:21,200
Speaker 1: And it's so hard because it's like you're you're poking

658
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:24,799
Speaker 1: up a fifty pound dumbbell and you've never picked up

659
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:27,680
Speaker 1: but yeah, yeah, and it's like that's hard and it

660
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:30,239
Speaker 1: hurts and you don't want to do it, you know.

661
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:33,799
Speaker 1: And so and that's what this, what's what working on

662
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:37,600
Speaker 1: body images like too and eating disorder behaviors. Yeah, and

663
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:41,919
Speaker 1: you and I were having a conversation and our very

664
00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:47,040
Speaker 1: cute office the other day about body image and I

665
00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:50,279
Speaker 1: was talking about this one part of us that understands

666
00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:53,279
Speaker 1: this logic of yeah, I get that, I get what

667
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:56,120
Speaker 1: you're saying, Catherine. That makes sense to me, and I

668
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:59,719
Speaker 1: know you're right. But then there's this belief system, which

669
00:38:59,719 --> 00:39:04,480
Speaker 1: is a more emotional side of you that can't grab

670
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:07,080
Speaker 1: onto that. And that emotional side is attached to the

671
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:10,759
Speaker 1: nervous system, which is attached to how you respond to

672
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:14,359
Speaker 1: trauma and how you have been carried and cared for

673
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:17,759
Speaker 1: and how you've survived your trauma and your experiences. And

674
00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:20,160
Speaker 1: when I say trauma, I mean everything from these big

675
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:25,000
Speaker 1: T traumas again to this emotional little T type traumas.

676
00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:29,040
Speaker 1: And there is this block in between the logic and

677
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:33,640
Speaker 1: the emotion, and there it almost is like the emotional

678
00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:37,720
Speaker 1: brain is like pushing that block and it's like pushing

679
00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:41,719
Speaker 1: the logic farther and farther and farther away. And do

680
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:43,560
Speaker 1: you remember what you said to me after that? Is

681
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:46,120
Speaker 1: this when we were talking about that's called the Alli

682
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:51,719
Speaker 1: centric block theory. Yes, yes, that was a concept that

683
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:56,880
Speaker 1: Dr Ralph Carson presented. He was brilliant and I loved

684
00:39:56,920 --> 00:40:00,799
Speaker 1: I saw. I think I became this like like obsessed

685
00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:02,960
Speaker 1: like with everything he said. And I think in one

686
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,680
Speaker 1: year I saw him speak like six or sometimes it's

687
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:11,680
Speaker 1: like it's like how I am with Britney Spears? Okay,

688
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:19,080
Speaker 1: I fell her on Instagram? So um. But yeah, he

689
00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:23,319
Speaker 1: introduced that concept of the Alice centric block theory. It's

690
00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:27,760
Speaker 1: really when we think of things being burned into our memory,

691
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:32,240
Speaker 1: where you can recall the exact feeling, what you were wearing,

692
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:35,560
Speaker 1: what part of the story you were in, what like

693
00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:39,680
Speaker 1: every single detail even though it was decades ago, and

694
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:42,160
Speaker 1: it and it brings you back. And that can look

695
00:40:42,239 --> 00:40:45,160
Speaker 1: like you're when if you were bullied as a child,

696
00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:52,080
Speaker 1: if for your size, and that trauma gets burned into

697
00:40:52,239 --> 00:40:55,759
Speaker 1: your memory to where you live and behave in your

698
00:40:55,760 --> 00:40:58,000
Speaker 1: body like you were the eight year old kid that

699
00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:02,799
Speaker 1: was bullied, or any time him some something gets challenged,

700
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:06,000
Speaker 1: you know, someone makes a comment about something, you all

701
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:08,640
Speaker 1: of a sudden drop back into this eight year old

702
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:14,000
Speaker 1: and start behaving like that saying that. It almost is like,

703
00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:17,719
Speaker 1: oh my god, this makes sense now, because I think

704
00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:20,720
Speaker 1: a lot of people get frustrated when they're like, Katherine,

705
00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:23,880
Speaker 1: I know that you're right, Like I truly know that

706
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:28,440
Speaker 1: you're right. I cannot feel that in me, and I

707
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:31,200
Speaker 1: know that is right for every other person when we're

708
00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:33,840
Speaker 1: just talking for if we're just sticking with body image stuff,

709
00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:36,160
Speaker 1: because this can be applied to anything, but that kind

710
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:37,879
Speaker 1: of I know that you're right, and I know when

711
00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:41,319
Speaker 1: I say these things, I don't totally make sense, Like

712
00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:44,360
Speaker 1: I know, nothing makes sense. And that's where there's this CBT,

713
00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:47,960
Speaker 1: which is so helpful and it really helps with logic,

714
00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:51,680
Speaker 1: but it does not completely help with the emotional part

715
00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:55,000
Speaker 1: of changing what's going on. And so what we do

716
00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:59,880
Speaker 1: is it's you have to experience something new. You have

717
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:06,240
Speaker 1: to experience your body differently over and over again until

718
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:10,000
Speaker 1: your brain it's not just a decision you can make

719
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:15,319
Speaker 1: like that logic. It's not rational, it's emotional, and the

720
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:21,920
Speaker 1: emotions can be soothed with that. That exposure to what

721
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:25,000
Speaker 1: is so stimulating. And that's why I like when I

722
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:29,279
Speaker 1: use the snake analogy, because that's poisonous snake that you're

723
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:34,319
Speaker 1: so terrified of. It's actually a garden host. Right. It's

724
00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:41,520
Speaker 1: just completely harmless inanimate object like food, right, and our bodies,

725
00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:46,319
Speaker 1: but we perceive it as something different, as something that

726
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:48,880
Speaker 1: is a threat and we have to get out. We

727
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:51,120
Speaker 1: have to get out of our bodies, and we do

728
00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:54,959
Speaker 1: that with our eating disorders, and like everything I got,

729
00:42:55,000 --> 00:43:03,880
Speaker 1: I have goose bumps. I get so excited. We are

730
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:07,399
Speaker 1: the same because I find myself like even on here,

731
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:10,800
Speaker 1: like I'll listen back and I'm like, Katherine was happening.

732
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:13,400
Speaker 1: But it's like, when you find something like this that

733
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:16,520
Speaker 1: makes so much sense, you want to share this information

734
00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:19,279
Speaker 1: with everybody and you want to like almost hammer into

735
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:22,720
Speaker 1: everybody's brains. And the thing about this is we can't

736
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:25,279
Speaker 1: so even hearing this, people are gonna like, oh my god, yes,

737
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:27,799
Speaker 1: but it is not going to click for you in

738
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:31,080
Speaker 1: your stuff until you experience a new experience. You need

739
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,600
Speaker 1: to pick up the snake and realize that it's a garden.

740
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:37,719
Speaker 1: And we actually talked about this a couple of weeks ago,

741
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:39,279
Speaker 1: because we did talk about trauma and the body and

742
00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:43,880
Speaker 1: how they're connected. But you made this point that I

743
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:47,440
Speaker 1: want to highlight that is really pertinant to just body images.

744
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:51,719
Speaker 1: That's why when you are and you're eating disorder or

745
00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:54,239
Speaker 1: in recovery, like you might find a pair of like

746
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:56,440
Speaker 1: hold up a pair of shorts and be like, there's

747
00:43:56,520 --> 00:44:00,799
Speaker 1: no way I can fit into these and in very

748
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:03,920
Speaker 1: way too big for you kind of thing. It's because

749
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:08,960
Speaker 1: you are experiencing your body not as what it actually is,

750
00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:12,839
Speaker 1: but what it felt like X y Z, even if

751
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:15,320
Speaker 1: even if you were even if you could have still

752
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:19,640
Speaker 1: fit in those pants or shorts back when you're remembering

753
00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:22,960
Speaker 1: this experience, I know for me, I'll speak for me.

754
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:25,680
Speaker 1: This is a great example. This is a little bit

755
00:44:25,760 --> 00:44:29,000
Speaker 1: my trauma. I mentioned this in one of the earliest episodes.

756
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:32,440
Speaker 1: But so when I was in fifth grade, I was

757
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:34,799
Speaker 1: on the playground and I had been like bullied by

758
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 1: like a group of girls for a little bit of time.

759
00:44:37,080 --> 00:44:39,640
Speaker 1: But I don't have any other stark memories of them

760
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:43,600
Speaker 1: saying things except this one is burned playing kickball. Hunter's

761
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:48,280
Speaker 1: that Bend Elementary and Franklin Tennessee. My teacher was Mr. Plunk.

762
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:53,600
Speaker 1: He was the coolest teacher anyway, I'm playing kick and um,

763
00:44:53,640 --> 00:44:55,680
Speaker 1: a girl, one of the girls that was in the

764
00:44:55,920 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 1: cool crowd that didn't like me, who were my friends

765
00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:03,080
Speaker 1: the year before, yelled like in front of everybody, like, hey,

766
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:06,080
Speaker 1: Katherine Defata, maybe you should think about drinking a slim

767
00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:10,880
Speaker 1: fast and not so many milkshakes. I was probably like

768
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:17,879
Speaker 1: nine ten, and I just remember, I mean, so much

769
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:20,680
Speaker 1: stuff happened after that, and it's just sad to me

770
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:23,839
Speaker 1: that I spent half of my life thinking that I

771
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:28,800
Speaker 1: wasn't cute. But that is that one of those experiences

772
00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:32,319
Speaker 1: that she this girl told me that about myself. I

773
00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:34,839
Speaker 1: believed it. I mean it was connected to some other

774
00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:40,120
Speaker 1: things that happened too, but I didn't wouldn't have thought

775
00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:43,720
Speaker 1: that even if I could fit in that outfit or whatever,

776
00:45:44,120 --> 00:45:47,000
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have thought that. Like I literally saw myself

777
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:49,399
Speaker 1: differently than what I looked like. I remember looking at

778
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:52,400
Speaker 1: my kneecaps. I played soccer, so you know, even like

779
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:54,040
Speaker 1: your soccer shorts and then your knee cap and then

780
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:56,480
Speaker 1: you'd like the high of the baby. There's a baby,

781
00:45:58,880 --> 00:46:01,440
Speaker 1: and so only really like part of your thigh and

782
00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:04,040
Speaker 1: your knee cap shows and I remember comparing my knee

783
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:06,320
Speaker 1: caps to everybody else's knee caps at the soccer on

784
00:46:06,360 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 1: the soccer field. Tying that back to the original content

785
00:46:10,120 --> 00:46:12,839
Speaker 1: of that is we all, not all, but a lot

786
00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:15,600
Speaker 1: of us have those experiences of like, I don't understand

787
00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:19,279
Speaker 1: why I thought that about myself when I wasn't and

788
00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:21,600
Speaker 1: I don't know why I think I logically, I don't

789
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:24,600
Speaker 1: know why I think this about myself even though I'm not.

790
00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:28,000
Speaker 1: And it's and that. But as a child, your brain

791
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:33,520
Speaker 1: is the prefrontal cortex is nowhere near developed enough for

792
00:46:33,640 --> 00:46:38,360
Speaker 1: you to rationalize, Hey, kids are jerks. They're fucking jerks.

793
00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:42,399
Speaker 1: You know, they suck and they say stupid shit that

794
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:46,319
Speaker 1: traumatizes the rest of our lives because we cannot in

795
00:46:46,440 --> 00:46:50,239
Speaker 1: that moment rationalize that, Hey, maybe they those kids over

796
00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:54,279
Speaker 1: their bullies because they have a home life that makes

797
00:46:54,320 --> 00:46:57,440
Speaker 1: them unhappy and they're taking it out on me. They

798
00:46:57,480 --> 00:47:01,319
Speaker 1: don't a lot of adults don't have that insight. But

799
00:47:02,040 --> 00:47:05,920
Speaker 1: but that is what that is why those little things

800
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:10,000
Speaker 1: carry with us. And if we don't do something to

801
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:13,920
Speaker 1: get out of that before our brain really solidifies, then

802
00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:16,040
Speaker 1: that is what we live in. That is our truth

803
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:20,760
Speaker 1: and how we behave. And that's what that al centric

804
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:23,719
Speaker 1: lock is. It's that it's those things are locked and

805
00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:27,840
Speaker 1: they're not transition to long term memory because they stay

806
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:30,600
Speaker 1: in our short term like this is what's happening, and

807
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:34,200
Speaker 1: when your body changes, where instead of that's what happened,

808
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:37,160
Speaker 1: it's and this this is happening now versus long term

809
00:47:37,160 --> 00:47:39,880
Speaker 1: memory that is like this is still truth, and this

810
00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:42,160
Speaker 1: is how I'm going to behave with it. I've had

811
00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:47,879
Speaker 1: um triathletes and iron men who believe that they do

812
00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:54,439
Speaker 1: that sport because they have this strong belief that if

813
00:47:54,560 --> 00:47:57,680
Speaker 1: I'm in a larger body or have body fat at all,

814
00:47:58,320 --> 00:48:03,239
Speaker 1: that I am unlovable. And it's because of traumatic bullying

815
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:08,040
Speaker 1: that they experienced that made them believe that, and so

816
00:48:08,200 --> 00:48:11,319
Speaker 1: they behave in that way. But they even though they

817
00:48:11,360 --> 00:48:14,600
Speaker 1: can look in the mirror and see that they are

818
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:19,520
Speaker 1: very lean, they have all this ability, physical ability, they

819
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:25,720
Speaker 1: still are acting like the little kid that was bullied.

820
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:30,040
Speaker 1: And that's the driver. And so it's that new experience

821
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:34,840
Speaker 1: over and over again that like you're you're a triathlete,

822
00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:38,240
Speaker 1: you're actually running away like that's what this is about.

823
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:42,520
Speaker 1: You're running away from that little kid versus getting the

824
00:48:43,000 --> 00:48:45,359
Speaker 1: getting the going towards the little kid and telling him

825
00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:48,239
Speaker 1: there's actually nothing wrong with him. Right. The more you

826
00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:51,200
Speaker 1: do that behavior, the more you're solidifying what we're trying

827
00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:55,040
Speaker 1: to yes, fight. So the more we act in our

828
00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:57,880
Speaker 1: eating disorder, the more we act in those behaviors, the

829
00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:00,319
Speaker 1: more we are sending the message to ourselves at those

830
00:49:00,360 --> 00:49:04,320
Speaker 1: people who I logically know are wrong or are acting

831
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:08,880
Speaker 1: out of their own stuff, are right, And it's going

832
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,400
Speaker 1: to be really painful. Like right, there's this period of

833
00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:13,680
Speaker 1: time where it's like I just have to trust Cat

834
00:49:13,880 --> 00:49:16,000
Speaker 1: that you're telling the truth, the trust Crystal that like

835
00:49:16,040 --> 00:49:18,839
Speaker 1: this is gonna work. You have to go through this

836
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:23,319
Speaker 1: process of not acting as that kid who believes those

837
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:26,480
Speaker 1: things in order for new stuff to be able to

838
00:49:26,520 --> 00:49:31,040
Speaker 1: come about. Because if that person a try athlete, let's

839
00:49:31,040 --> 00:49:35,000
Speaker 1: say they stopped running away from that kid and actually

840
00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:37,399
Speaker 1: was like, Hey, I'm gonna love you and I'm gonna

841
00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:39,160
Speaker 1: care for you and there's nothing wrong with you, they

842
00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:41,600
Speaker 1: would lose the need to be a triathlete if it

843
00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:46,200
Speaker 1: wasn't there like professional career. Yes, right, So it's like

844
00:49:46,239 --> 00:49:49,040
Speaker 1: our eating disorders, you know, like I don't, I don't

845
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:52,799
Speaker 1: need this. Yeah, and you're working for me anymore so

846
00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:54,959
Speaker 1: and and I don't know if you have this. When

847
00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:58,719
Speaker 1: I would look at myself in the mirror in my

848
00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:03,759
Speaker 1: eating disorder, I was so always so distraught, Like you

849
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:06,480
Speaker 1: would not find me running in a sports bra. I remember,

850
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:10,480
Speaker 1: like when tight leggings became a thing. Before it was

851
00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:13,239
Speaker 1: like more baggy sweatpants and stuff like that at the

852
00:50:13,280 --> 00:50:15,480
Speaker 1: gym and like big baggy like Nike shorts. But when

853
00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:18,399
Speaker 1: tight leggings became a thing, I was like, I can't

854
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:22,640
Speaker 1: wear those. And now I'm who knows how much different

855
00:50:22,640 --> 00:50:25,480
Speaker 1: my weight is because I don't weigh myself and I

856
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:27,200
Speaker 1: will run in a sports bar. Work out in sports

857
00:50:27,239 --> 00:50:29,840
Speaker 1: were all day long. But it's because I'm not looking

858
00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:33,080
Speaker 1: at myself like that girl in the playground who is

859
00:50:33,120 --> 00:50:36,359
Speaker 1: being made fun of, I'm looking at myself. I'm I'm

860
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:38,279
Speaker 1: essentially looking at that girl in the playground and saying,

861
00:50:38,280 --> 00:50:40,200
Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with you. Actually I think that like

862
00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:42,960
Speaker 1: she's upset about who knows what's going on with her dad?

863
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:50,680
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Overnight, right, no leggings. So

864
00:50:51,360 --> 00:50:53,480
Speaker 1: it wasn't it was It was years. I mean, I

865
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:56,200
Speaker 1: would say it's like at least five years of like, okay,

866
00:50:56,640 --> 00:50:59,720
Speaker 1: little steps, I'm gonna but it started with I'm gonna

867
00:51:00,200 --> 00:51:03,360
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try to stop leaning into that stuff. So

868
00:51:03,440 --> 00:51:05,560
Speaker 1: every time I have an urge to take care of

869
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,160
Speaker 1: my negative body image or sense of self through one

870
00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 1: of these behaviors, I'm going to see what happens when

871
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:15,640
Speaker 1: I don't. Or I'm gonna say something nice to myself,

872
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:18,839
Speaker 1: or I'm going to say something that somebody in my

873
00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:20,680
Speaker 1: life now who loves me, I'm gonna say something that

874
00:51:20,719 --> 00:51:24,160
Speaker 1: they would say to me rather than that. In your

875
00:51:24,239 --> 00:51:27,680
Speaker 1: work and recovery, how did your body image become affected?

876
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:30,080
Speaker 1: Because it's like you're not learning any of you might

877
00:51:30,080 --> 00:51:32,200
Speaker 1: have gone through the motions but not even learned them.

878
00:51:32,440 --> 00:51:34,640
Speaker 1: Or it could have been like I'm going to do

879
00:51:34,719 --> 00:51:38,080
Speaker 1: these things and not really know what's going on. I'm

880
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:41,120
Speaker 1: not doing the behaviors anymore, but am I evaluating what's

881
00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:43,799
Speaker 1: happening in my body, in my mind and my sense

882
00:51:43,800 --> 00:51:48,600
Speaker 1: of self? Um, when I was getting help with my

883
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:52,799
Speaker 1: eating disorder, we it was all behavior. It was all yes,

884
00:51:52,880 --> 00:51:56,879
Speaker 1: it was all eating disorder and behaviors and like whoy

885
00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,040
Speaker 1: I am the way I am sort of stuff, so

886
00:51:59,080 --> 00:52:03,560
Speaker 1: it wasn't a out body image. And then when I

887
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:08,120
Speaker 1: got when I was pregnant with my first um child,

888
00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:13,959
Speaker 1: who is almost nine now, that I was like, um,

889
00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:17,560
Speaker 1: once I had her, my body like changed. And that

890
00:52:17,760 --> 00:52:20,560
Speaker 1: was at that point I had been in you know,

891
00:52:20,600 --> 00:52:22,839
Speaker 1: like a good recovery for a couple of years, and

892
00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:25,400
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, like what am I

893
00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:31,080
Speaker 1: gonna do? Especially being a dietitian, Like I mean, there

894
00:52:31,200 --> 00:52:32,960
Speaker 1: is this pressure of like you have to have this,

895
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,680
Speaker 1: you have to look a certain way, and it was like,

896
00:52:35,719 --> 00:52:37,400
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, no one's gonna listen to me if

897
00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:41,040
Speaker 1: I look like this, you know, and it's just like,

898
00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:43,960
Speaker 1: oh my god, I have to do something. I didn't

899
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:47,239
Speaker 1: really get a sense of body image at all or

900
00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:51,240
Speaker 1: even the term until I started working at the ranch.

901
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:56,439
Speaker 1: And honestly, I my brain changed while I was there

902
00:52:57,040 --> 00:53:03,880
Speaker 1: because I said things over and over and over until

903
00:53:04,080 --> 00:53:07,520
Speaker 1: I absolutely believe them, you know, because my brain was

904
00:53:07,600 --> 00:53:11,799
Speaker 1: like yes, and I had evidence to also show that,

905
00:53:11,840 --> 00:53:15,440
Speaker 1: like what I'm saying is actually turning into fact, you know,

906
00:53:15,560 --> 00:53:18,759
Speaker 1: it's not. And that's what has has helped me. And

907
00:53:18,800 --> 00:53:21,800
Speaker 1: then just kind of using my own skills and knowledge

908
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:26,080
Speaker 1: and applying it to that being around really positive people

909
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:31,160
Speaker 1: like you, Catherine, you know, and just seeing like other

910
00:53:31,239 --> 00:53:34,360
Speaker 1: people practice the same things and at the same time

911
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:37,799
Speaker 1: have day you know, like you don't have to love

912
00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:41,799
Speaker 1: everything about ourselves. That's not that's not that this is

913
00:53:41,800 --> 00:53:44,719
Speaker 1: not the goal. I mean it'd be cute, but like,

914
00:53:45,480 --> 00:53:48,480
Speaker 1: but like what in the perfect world, But like we

915
00:53:48,480 --> 00:53:51,520
Speaker 1: we are all imperfect, and so it's what we do

916
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:53,880
Speaker 1: with it, you know, what we do with our anxiety,

917
00:53:54,760 --> 00:53:57,160
Speaker 1: you know, and that how we've worked on that snake

918
00:53:57,239 --> 00:53:59,560
Speaker 1: becoming this garden house that we're now like wrapped up

919
00:53:59,560 --> 00:54:01,640
Speaker 1: in and roll around with it because we know it's

920
00:54:01,640 --> 00:54:09,080
Speaker 1: our friend. It does not so yeah, like it's my

921
00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:15,200
Speaker 1: work took many, many years because I didn't have the

922
00:54:15,239 --> 00:54:18,400
Speaker 1: people around me to say, like you need to go

923
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:21,279
Speaker 1: like impatient treatment, like you need I didn't have the

924
00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:25,440
Speaker 1: professionals around me to say, like body image is a

925
00:54:25,480 --> 00:54:28,120
Speaker 1: thing like your this is what body image is, and

926
00:54:28,120 --> 00:54:30,440
Speaker 1: this is what negative body images and this is what

927
00:54:30,520 --> 00:54:32,719
Speaker 1: can cause all these things. It was more of like

928
00:54:32,800 --> 00:54:35,440
Speaker 1: here's all, yes, you have this trauma, and then you

929
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,120
Speaker 1: know this is why you're doing these things. Let's fix

930
00:54:37,160 --> 00:54:40,120
Speaker 1: the behavior. But there was never this like discussion about

931
00:54:40,160 --> 00:54:43,360
Speaker 1: like and by the way, I can't look at myself

932
00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:48,120
Speaker 1: in the mirror. And then after having children and just

933
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,839
Speaker 1: to have an eight week old strapped to me right now,

934
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:54,480
Speaker 1: you know, like after having babies, like every time I've

935
00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:57,200
Speaker 1: had a kid, like my body has changed, and like

936
00:54:57,400 --> 00:55:01,880
Speaker 1: what my brain is doing to process new body, you know,

937
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:07,360
Speaker 1: is hard, and like I'm you know, we use skills

938
00:55:07,360 --> 00:55:10,040
Speaker 1: and I talk about it, and I think being surrounded

939
00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:13,120
Speaker 1: by it is important because the more you're surrounded by

940
00:55:13,120 --> 00:55:15,319
Speaker 1: the opposite message, the more you're going to believe that.

941
00:55:15,480 --> 00:55:19,359
Speaker 1: So the more you surround yourself with these like fitness

942
00:55:19,480 --> 00:55:24,160
Speaker 1: influencers and these like god knows what kind of dieticians

943
00:55:24,280 --> 00:55:27,400
Speaker 1: or like health coaches and people that are, the more

944
00:55:27,440 --> 00:55:28,920
Speaker 1: you surround yourself with that kind of stuff, and the

945
00:55:28,920 --> 00:55:31,319
Speaker 1: more your brain and takes that message, the more you're

946
00:55:31,320 --> 00:55:33,200
Speaker 1: going to think it's true. The more you surround yourself

947
00:55:33,200 --> 00:55:36,640
Speaker 1: with people who are doing the actual work and showing

948
00:55:36,719 --> 00:55:39,680
Speaker 1: up and caring for the actual you, the more you're

949
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:42,080
Speaker 1: going to believe that part. What would you say to

950
00:55:42,120 --> 00:55:45,160
Speaker 1: somebody who's like, I don't want to to learn to

951
00:55:45,280 --> 00:55:49,160
Speaker 1: love a body if it doesn't look the way I

952
00:55:49,200 --> 00:55:51,839
Speaker 1: want it to look now. I guess when I hear that,

953
00:55:52,040 --> 00:55:54,560
Speaker 1: I think of, like, wow, we've really future trip to

954
00:55:55,680 --> 00:55:58,840
Speaker 1: like way down the road, when like, let's just what

955
00:55:58,960 --> 00:56:02,719
Speaker 1: about today, what can we do today? Because what you

956
00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,680
Speaker 1: and I have just said was we've gotten our body

957
00:56:05,719 --> 00:56:10,759
Speaker 1: image where it is today over years, you know, and

958
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:16,719
Speaker 1: the idea of going from like total hatred for our

959
00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:22,560
Speaker 1: ourselves and our bodies to self love like no, hell no,

960
00:56:23,480 --> 00:56:27,040
Speaker 1: you know, And so it's yeah, that sounds like I

961
00:56:27,080 --> 00:56:29,160
Speaker 1: don't want to do that either. That sounds terrible like that.

962
00:56:29,200 --> 00:56:31,000
Speaker 1: I don't want to be on that trip, you know,

963
00:56:31,520 --> 00:56:34,160
Speaker 1: because and I don't know if you have this in you,

964
00:56:34,360 --> 00:56:39,080
Speaker 1: but looking back, I would never have signed up for that.

965
00:56:39,840 --> 00:56:43,200
Speaker 1: But now it doesn't matter to me. The stuff that

966
00:56:43,320 --> 00:56:46,719
Speaker 1: mattered to me doesn't matter to me anymore because of

967
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:49,239
Speaker 1: the work I've done in the relationships I've built. I

968
00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:53,120
Speaker 1: didn't have those five years ago, so it didn't it

969
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:57,120
Speaker 1: couldn't register in my brain because I had not experienced

970
00:56:57,160 --> 00:56:59,879
Speaker 1: the fact that my body does not matter as much

971
00:57:00,400 --> 00:57:02,480
Speaker 1: as I think it does, if that makes sense. So

972
00:57:02,480 --> 00:57:05,480
Speaker 1: when you say, like, how about right now, let's not

973
00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:08,080
Speaker 1: go there, and who says we need to be there.

974
00:57:08,680 --> 00:57:11,200
Speaker 1: Who told you that that we have to do that?

975
00:57:12,040 --> 00:57:17,600
Speaker 1: Is there? Where did you read that that? Did a

976
00:57:17,640 --> 00:57:21,120
Speaker 1: professional say that? Not? You know, we've talked about this,

977
00:57:21,160 --> 00:57:25,120
Speaker 1: but not all professionals are created equal. You know, they're

978
00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:29,480
Speaker 1: just not, I mean, right like any doctors nor you know,

979
00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:34,400
Speaker 1: anybody is you know, but it's about what is authentic

980
00:57:34,520 --> 00:57:37,720
Speaker 1: for you. And right now, the idea of you loving

981
00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:42,680
Speaker 1: yourself doesn't feel authentic because to gozier to sixty that's

982
00:57:42,760 --> 00:57:47,800
Speaker 1: just not realistic. So like, how about today, knowing that

983
00:57:48,120 --> 00:57:51,400
Speaker 1: we get one body, we can't trade it up, So like,

984
00:57:51,960 --> 00:57:55,760
Speaker 1: how can we maybe just tolerate it right now or

985
00:57:55,880 --> 00:57:59,280
Speaker 1: just acknowledge that it is connected to us and let's

986
00:57:59,280 --> 00:58:02,120
Speaker 1: do something for it today. Yeah, And that's speaks to

987
00:58:02,200 --> 00:58:06,360
Speaker 1: like the body positive movement is great, but you don't

988
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:10,520
Speaker 1: have to be have body positivity. It's also okay maybe

989
00:58:10,680 --> 00:58:13,080
Speaker 1: where you're going as neutral and as long as it's

990
00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:17,720
Speaker 1: not causing behaviors to harm it further, Right, when I

991
00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:21,160
Speaker 1: say like do something nice, I mean like let's maybe

992
00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:24,720
Speaker 1: have a meal, you know, let's maybe not starve it,

993
00:58:25,320 --> 00:58:28,680
Speaker 1: let's maybe not self harm today. Like that's all I'm

994
00:58:28,720 --> 00:58:31,880
Speaker 1: asking And it's the repetitive nature of doing one kind

995
00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:38,320
Speaker 1: of thing. That's experiencing your body in a new way. Today,

996
00:58:38,320 --> 00:58:42,880
Speaker 1: I'm gonna experience it with a meal and there and

997
00:58:42,880 --> 00:58:45,920
Speaker 1: what does that feel like? And it connects you And

998
00:58:45,960 --> 00:58:50,560
Speaker 1: that's where that connection to mind and body is where

999
00:58:50,800 --> 00:58:54,400
Speaker 1: it all starts. But it's that's the snake connecting to

1000
00:58:54,440 --> 00:58:59,600
Speaker 1: your body like that is me asking you to stand

1001
00:58:59,720 --> 00:59:04,040
Speaker 1: in the same room as a poisonous snake and not move.

1002
00:59:05,360 --> 00:59:07,240
Speaker 1: That's where we start. Or me telling you in the

1003
00:59:07,280 --> 00:59:09,160
Speaker 1: parking lot, Hey, there's a copper head in the in

1004
00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:14,520
Speaker 1: the house, you know, good luck, Just just walk in there.

1005
00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:19,479
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna tell you where I'm not going in there. No,

1006
00:59:19,840 --> 00:59:21,640
Speaker 1: oh my god, that's why I'm in the parking lot,

1007
00:59:22,720 --> 00:59:26,160
Speaker 1: you know. But yeah, it's like that's I know when

1008
00:59:26,200 --> 00:59:29,560
Speaker 1: I say and when I'm asking someone to connect to

1009
00:59:29,600 --> 00:59:36,240
Speaker 1: their body by eating something or getting in the shower

1010
00:59:36,360 --> 00:59:40,160
Speaker 1: with the lights on, I know what I'm asking. And

1011
00:59:40,200 --> 00:59:43,360
Speaker 1: it's not easy. And that's why you don't say you

1012
00:59:43,480 --> 00:59:46,440
Speaker 1: have to do this perfectly every day and I'm expecting

1013
00:59:46,440 --> 00:59:49,120
Speaker 1: you to change overnight. It's like We're gonna try one

1014
00:59:49,240 --> 00:59:53,800
Speaker 1: thing right, one thing. That's it. It's like I couldn't

1015
00:59:53,800 --> 00:59:56,400
Speaker 1: get into the shower without the lights on today, But

1016
00:59:56,480 --> 01:00:00,160
Speaker 1: did you think about it? I did amazing because you

1017
01:00:00,240 --> 01:00:02,960
Speaker 1: never thought about it before, or if you did, it

1018
01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:06,880
Speaker 1: was a hell no. But today you you thought about

1019
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:10,960
Speaker 1: it that I could do that, but I'm not, and

1020
01:00:11,080 --> 01:00:17,840
Speaker 1: that's great progress, not perfection. I just got you thinking. Okay,

1021
01:00:17,880 --> 01:00:19,920
Speaker 1: So Crystal and I actually have to go do a

1022
01:00:20,000 --> 01:00:23,880
Speaker 1: call because we actually work together sometimes, so we're going

1023
01:00:23,920 --> 01:00:27,440
Speaker 1: to wrap this episode up. We'll most likely definitely have

1024
01:00:27,560 --> 01:00:30,919
Speaker 1: her back because she literally is next to me every

1025
01:00:30,920 --> 01:00:33,760
Speaker 1: single day and we have so much more we can

1026
01:00:33,760 --> 01:00:36,360
Speaker 1: cover on this. So I want to say thank you,

1027
01:00:36,480 --> 01:00:38,959
Speaker 1: and if you guys have questions about what we talked

1028
01:00:38,960 --> 01:00:43,160
Speaker 1: about or follow up, you can send them into my

1029
01:00:43,440 --> 01:00:46,400
Speaker 1: Instagram that you Need Therapy Podcast. Thanks for having me.

1030
01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:53,680
Speaker 1: You're welcome. All right, bye, thank you guys so much

1031
01:00:53,720 --> 01:00:56,440
Speaker 1: for listening. I wanted to remind you guys again. Remember

1032
01:00:56,480 --> 01:00:59,280
Speaker 1: I changed my Instagram handle, so if you see at

1033
01:00:59,360 --> 01:01:01,840
Speaker 1: cat dot do bot, that's still me. And if you

1034
01:01:01,840 --> 01:01:04,080
Speaker 1: don't follow me, follow me at k A T dot

1035
01:01:04,200 --> 01:01:07,720
Speaker 1: d f A t t A and follow at You

1036
01:01:07,760 --> 01:01:12,080
Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast as well, and then follow Crystal so

1037
01:01:12,280 --> 01:01:17,080
Speaker 1: on Instagram, you can follow her at Horizon Underscore Nutrition

1038
01:01:17,240 --> 01:01:20,000
Speaker 1: Counseling and she just started that up, so she would

1039
01:01:20,000 --> 01:01:22,920
Speaker 1: probably really appreciate. UM some follows from you guys and

1040
01:01:22,960 --> 01:01:25,960
Speaker 1: tag us. Post the episode if you like it, and

1041
01:01:26,000 --> 01:01:28,360
Speaker 1: tag us so we know that you are listening to them,

1042
01:01:28,360 --> 01:01:30,320
Speaker 1: so we can connect with you and say thank you

1043
01:01:30,360 --> 01:01:36,400
Speaker 1: for listening to the podcast directly. Also, reminder sign up

1044
01:01:36,440 --> 01:01:39,680
Speaker 1: for the newsletter crew. Oh my god. Also, I think

1045
01:01:39,720 --> 01:01:43,960
Speaker 1: that if you guys have an idea, I'm trying to

1046
01:01:44,160 --> 01:01:46,840
Speaker 1: figure out like a fun name to name like the

1047
01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:51,440
Speaker 1: newsletter crew people and everything that I'm coming up with

1048
01:01:51,480 --> 01:01:53,480
Speaker 1: it is really lame. So if you have an idea

1049
01:01:53,480 --> 01:01:56,360
Speaker 1: of what I should call like the Insider's crew of

1050
01:01:56,400 --> 01:02:02,600
Speaker 1: the podcast, UM, shoot me DM. Some bad names we've

1051
01:02:02,640 --> 01:02:05,600
Speaker 1: come up with are the Feelings Club, which I don't

1052
01:02:05,600 --> 01:02:10,120
Speaker 1: really hate that, the Couch Crew, the one of my

1053
01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:17,400
Speaker 1: friends recommended Catherine's newsletter. UM. So, anyway, if you have

1054
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:20,800
Speaker 1: an idea, I'm kind of running out of creative energy.

1055
01:02:20,960 --> 01:02:24,880
Speaker 1: It's the end of the week anyway. UM, but reminders

1056
01:02:24,920 --> 01:02:28,360
Speaker 1: sign up for the newsletter so right now, just DM

1057
01:02:28,440 --> 01:02:31,840
Speaker 1: me on Instagram at at You Need Therapy Podcast. I'll

1058
01:02:31,920 --> 01:02:35,160
Speaker 1: have an official form coming soon that will be on

1059
01:02:35,800 --> 01:02:39,160
Speaker 1: the actual podcast website, but that we're still working out

1060
01:02:39,200 --> 01:02:41,680
Speaker 1: some stuff with that. But we are going to be

1061
01:02:41,880 --> 01:02:45,760
Speaker 1: sending out announcements for some stuff that we have been

1062
01:02:45,760 --> 01:02:48,360
Speaker 1: working on for the past three and a half months,

1063
01:02:49,160 --> 01:02:51,840
Speaker 1: and we're going to first send this out to the newsletter.

1064
01:02:51,920 --> 01:02:54,280
Speaker 1: So if you're part of the newsletter, you're going to

1065
01:02:54,360 --> 01:02:56,960
Speaker 1: get the first first DIBs on stuff. You're gonna get

1066
01:02:57,240 --> 01:03:01,760
Speaker 1: um discounts and offers on stuff that will never be

1067
01:03:01,840 --> 01:03:04,760
Speaker 1: put on Instagram or will never be put just on

1068
01:03:04,760 --> 01:03:07,400
Speaker 1: the website. We might put a discount on Instagram on

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Speaker 1: the website, but it's not going to be the same,

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Speaker 1: and the newsletter people are going to get first DIBs

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Speaker 1: on stuff that's going to be limited. So if you

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Speaker 1: want to be a part of that again, dm me

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Speaker 1: your email A new You Need Therapy podcast out than that. Guys,

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Speaker 1: have a great week, and thank you for the support.

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Speaker 1: I really appreciate it in this last week and half especially,

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Speaker 1: so I will talk to you guys again in two weeks.