1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:24,919 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,000 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we, of 8 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. This is 9 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 1: a topic that has been a long time coming, but 10 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:44,599 Speaker 1: I've been kind of like holding off on doing it 11 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,840 Speaker 1: until I had some actual lived experience on the matter. 12 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,120 Speaker 1: And now that I can definitely say that I do, 13 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 1: I want to talk about what it's like living with 14 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 1: your partner in your twenties and whether or not you 15 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:01,120 Speaker 1: should do it. So I've been with my partner Tom 16 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 1: now for three years. I feel like you guys have 17 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:06,640 Speaker 1: been here for the entire life cycle of our relationship, 18 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,399 Speaker 1: from like when I was on my dating detox to 19 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:12,920 Speaker 1: when I met him afterwards. And what you may or 20 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:14,959 Speaker 1: may not know is that we did kind of like 21 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,479 Speaker 1: we had like a medium distance relationship for some time. 22 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 1: Where I live in Sydney, he lives in Woollongong. It's 23 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,000 Speaker 1: kind of like an hour and a half two hour drive, 24 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 1: not really long distance, not particularly like easy to pop 25 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,520 Speaker 1: over and see each other. And about a year in 26 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:35,240 Speaker 1: he basically decided like, Okay, I'm going to move to 27 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:36,959 Speaker 1: Sydney so that we can be close. And we had 28 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,080 Speaker 1: this huge discussion of do we move in with each other? 29 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,720 Speaker 1: Do we move in with each other after really only 30 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 1: being together for like a year, and we decided not to. 31 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,760 Speaker 1: And I will say this, that was one of the 32 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:54,120 Speaker 1: best decisions that we made for our relationship. I honestly 33 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,160 Speaker 1: think it is like one of the reasons we are 34 00:01:56,240 --> 00:02:00,440 Speaker 1: so solid today because we didn't put out put the 35 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 1: pedal to the metal in our relationship and we really 36 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: took our time to kind of go through all the 37 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,880 Speaker 1: milestones of being in a relationship and being with somebody. 38 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,359 Speaker 1: And six months ago we finally decided like, okay, no, 39 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,360 Speaker 1: now is the time we've been together for like two 40 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,680 Speaker 1: and a half years, let's move in together. And we 41 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: kind of did it on our own terms. And there 42 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:22,079 Speaker 1: was a lot of times when we were like, this 43 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,160 Speaker 1: would be really convenient. We basically already see each other 44 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 1: every day anyways, and we didn't do it, and I 45 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:32,040 Speaker 1: think that how we went about it has really taught 46 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,440 Speaker 1: me a lot, and how we now live together has 47 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,079 Speaker 1: taught me a lot about the pros and cons of 48 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,880 Speaker 1: living with your partner in your twenties. I will say 49 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:45,560 Speaker 1: it is amazing. It is objectively so much fun and 50 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 1: like just has made my life so much better. But 51 00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:52,720 Speaker 1: there are definitely things to think about when you make 52 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 1: this make this decision, Like you are basically guaranteeing that 53 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 1: either you end up together long term, end up married, 54 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,840 Speaker 1: or any breakup is going to be like twenty times 55 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 1: more painful. And there is definitely an urge when you 56 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,639 Speaker 1: were in the early stages of a relationship to want 57 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:14,119 Speaker 1: to build the life together without actually really knowing who 58 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 1: you're dating it whilst you're still kind of in the 59 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:20,320 Speaker 1: honeymoon period. And i'd really warn against that, And I'm 60 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:25,040 Speaker 1: going to explain exactly why why it's sometimes really really 61 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,480 Speaker 1: important to wait what you need to know about your 62 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 1: partner before you sign a lease together, before they move 63 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: into your house. And some of the biggest hurdles that 64 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,000 Speaker 1: you will unfortunately and uncomfortably come across when you live 65 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: with when you live with the person that you love 66 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,600 Speaker 1: more than anything else in the world. So I'm very 67 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: excited to get into this to of course break down 68 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: the psychology of this dynamic, to give you some I 69 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,080 Speaker 1: guess unsolicited advice, But you're listening to this episode, so 70 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 1: it's solicited. I'm assuming without further ado, let's get into 71 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 1: should you live with your partner in your twenties? This 72 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 1: question of should I move in with my partner in 73 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:11,480 Speaker 1: my twenties seems pretty simple at first. You know, you 74 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: already kind of spend every night at each other's places. 75 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,919 Speaker 1: You've got a toothbrush in their bathroom, half your wardrobe 76 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: is in their closet. You love each other, you get along. 77 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: Why not just take the next step. There is something, 78 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,120 Speaker 1: though about living with your partner, rather than just spending 79 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: time in your living environments with your partner, that will 80 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:36,000 Speaker 1: change the whole dynamic of your relationship, whether you want 81 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:40,120 Speaker 1: it to or not, and whether for better or for worse. Now, traditionally, 82 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,839 Speaker 1: there have been I think two big schools of thought 83 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,400 Speaker 1: about do you live with somebody in your twenties or 84 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,960 Speaker 1: do you live with somebody before marriage? And the first 85 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,640 Speaker 1: thought is that moving in before marriage before a ring 86 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 1: can somehow ruin the magic right cohabitating, It should be 87 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,280 Speaker 1: left for like the sanctity of marriage. This is a 88 00:05:00,279 --> 00:05:04,440 Speaker 1: particularly religious or conservative idea, of course, It's definitely actually 89 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 1: become more popular in modern day as well, with people 90 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:12,159 Speaker 1: recognizing the benefit of living a part for longer, maintaining 91 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:17,560 Speaker 1: financial independence, maintaining personal independence even just like being able 92 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: to have separate lives, is actually quite healthy for relationships 93 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,479 Speaker 1: that are still quite young or occurring when you are 94 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 1: quite young. The second school of thought is that you 95 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,239 Speaker 1: should live with somebody before you get married. You should 96 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,599 Speaker 1: live with somebody in your twenties before you really take 97 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,760 Speaker 1: things to the next serious level. The argument is, you know, 98 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,760 Speaker 1: how else are you going to know? How else are 99 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,359 Speaker 1: you going to know that you're actually compatible in the 100 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,360 Speaker 1: day to day Living with each other is like a 101 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 1: trial run right for the rest of your life. It's 102 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 1: like a way to test the waters before you sign 103 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:58,479 Speaker 1: like the metaphorical lease of forever now. Marriage is also 104 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:02,080 Speaker 1: not the end goal for everybody anymore. Some people never 105 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 1: want to get married, or it's not something that they're 106 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,479 Speaker 1: rushing to do. So I do think we shouldn't be 107 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,440 Speaker 1: thinking of this big conundrum. Do I live with my 108 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,920 Speaker 1: partner in my twenties or not. We shouldn't be thinking 109 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 1: about it in terms of marriage, but in terms of 110 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 1: what do we stand to gain and what might I 111 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:23,200 Speaker 1: risk by living with somebody in this formative period of 112 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:27,159 Speaker 1: my life, based on my values, based on my future plans, 113 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,960 Speaker 1: whether that's marriage or not, based on my current lifestyle. 114 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,560 Speaker 1: What do I gain? What might I lose? Let's start 115 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 1: with what you can gain. What are some of the 116 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:39,280 Speaker 1: pros of living with somebody in your twenties. The biggest 117 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:42,000 Speaker 1: pro is, honestly that it's so much fun. Like you 118 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,160 Speaker 1: can't put a number on how enjoyable it is if 119 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,720 Speaker 1: you've moved in with the right person to just like 120 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 1: go to bed every night and just laugh and giggle 121 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 1: and it's just marvelous. Everything that's like mundane normally grocery shopping, 122 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 1: your commute, cooking dinner becomes like so much more fun. 123 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:06,200 Speaker 1: It just is genuinely a dream. I think. Financially and logistically, 124 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,960 Speaker 1: it can also make a lot of sense, right the 125 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 1: cost of living, especially in our twenties, when you might 126 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 1: still be figuring out your career, you're paying off student loans. 127 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:20,160 Speaker 1: Let's just not hid ourselves. The global economic climate is 128 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:24,360 Speaker 1: not amazing. It can be really brutal. I live in Sydney. 129 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,000 Speaker 1: I live in the second most expensive city in the world. 130 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 1: I have heard from friends in London and New York, 131 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: also very expensive cities, that finances are a major factor 132 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 1: in determining when people move in with their partners. In fact, 133 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,320 Speaker 1: people move in a lot quicker just to get that 134 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: like economic and financial relief, you know, is rising groceries 135 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:51,560 Speaker 1: cost a small fortune. Moving in together is a practical solution. 136 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: I saw this twenty twenty three survey online done in 137 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 1: the US that found that fifty four percent, so just 138 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:03,560 Speaker 1: over half of cohabitating couples say that finances are a 139 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,480 Speaker 1: major reason they move in together. Honestly, it's not a 140 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:13,280 Speaker 1: bad reason as long as it is not the only reason. Now, 141 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 1: there is this very famous study about sliding versus deciding 142 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,480 Speaker 1: in a relationship that I think really convinces me that 143 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,840 Speaker 1: money cannot be the only reason you choose to live 144 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:28,760 Speaker 1: with somebody. This paper basically says this theory basically says 145 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:34,520 Speaker 1: that when couples make major relationship transitions, they do one 146 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 1: of two things. They either slide, meaning they gradually and 147 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:45,480 Speaker 1: often unconsciously increase commitment without explicit discussion or intention. So 148 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,960 Speaker 1: they move in together just because it is right and 149 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 1: convenient and because it just seems like the basic next 150 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:57,000 Speaker 1: step versus they decide, meaning they make a clear, mutual, 151 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 1: deliberate choice to deepen commitment. They have conversations about it. Yes, 152 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,880 Speaker 1: they're still considering practical factors that may slide the decision, 153 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:10,679 Speaker 1: but they are in a rational, deliberate mind about the choice. 154 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,720 Speaker 1: So the authors of this study found that those who 155 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 1: slide into big transitions often end up a lot less happy, 156 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: and they are much more likely to break up, largely 157 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:28,599 Speaker 1: because they never clarified expectations. They never were really aligned beforehand. 158 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,559 Speaker 1: They never may have discussed important things that you need 159 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 1: to know about somebody before you live with them. They 160 00:09:34,559 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: just saw it as the easy, available next step, and 161 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:42,720 Speaker 1: that ambiguity it can lead to asymmetric commitment. You know, 162 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,960 Speaker 1: because the biggest factor is convenience. You don't really know 163 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:50,680 Speaker 1: how in somebody is because of their actual love for you, 164 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:55,679 Speaker 1: and how in they are because of practicality. Yes, living 165 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:58,559 Speaker 1: with your partner can help you save money, but living 166 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:02,240 Speaker 1: with somebody out of financialness necessity rather than emotional readiness 167 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:06,560 Speaker 1: adds a lot of pressure to a relationship very very quickly. 168 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,200 Speaker 1: So that's just something to consider. But finances still a pro. 169 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,520 Speaker 1: The third pro. The third thing you stand to gain 170 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:18,439 Speaker 1: is that it's incredibly convenient. You say, I cannot begin 171 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,880 Speaker 1: to amount of time that me and Tom save not 172 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:27,320 Speaker 1: having to commute to each other's houses between, you know, 173 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,080 Speaker 1: basically two different major cities every weekend or every day 174 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:37,319 Speaker 1: is incredible. And I think especially for him, when we 175 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:40,880 Speaker 1: were doing that kind of like medium distance relationship, he 176 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,440 Speaker 1: you know, it may have looked like he was living 177 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 1: in Wollongong. It may have looked like he was living 178 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,520 Speaker 1: at my house. He was living out of his car, 179 00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:49,960 Speaker 1: like let's be completely really real about it, like he 180 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 1: had everything he needed, Like he could have moved into 181 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,440 Speaker 1: his car because all of his stuff was in there. 182 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:59,120 Speaker 1: Because of this back and forth, I think it's not 183 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 1: just that it's physically convenient. It will also bring you 184 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:08,120 Speaker 1: together emotionally, and I consider this a pro. I think 185 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 1: it really tests the strength of your emotional bond. You know, 186 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: it is one thing to love somebody when they are 187 00:11:14,559 --> 00:11:17,640 Speaker 1: all dressed up and you're out for dinner and everybody's 188 00:11:17,679 --> 00:11:21,959 Speaker 1: on their best behavior. It's another thing to love them 189 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:27,280 Speaker 1: when they're really stressed, really tired, really grumpy because somebody 190 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:31,440 Speaker 1: left the dishes in the sink, really angry, all those 191 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:36,720 Speaker 1: different things. Think cohabitation gives you a front row seat 192 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 1: to who your partner really is. Again, that's a pro 193 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,439 Speaker 1: for me. Ideally you should have seen some of these 194 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:47,720 Speaker 1: things before you made the decision. Sometimes you don't. I personally, 195 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,079 Speaker 1: I really think that you shouldn't move in with somebody 196 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 1: during your honeymoon period. That's just my kind of That's 197 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,800 Speaker 1: just my opinion because in that first like twelve to 198 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,960 Speaker 1: eighteen months of a relationship, when you are just like 199 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,320 Speaker 1: madly in love, there is nothing wrong with this person. 200 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,959 Speaker 1: You cannot see past the bad stuff to the more 201 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,520 Speaker 1: messy things. And I think that when you move in 202 00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:12,520 Speaker 1: with somebody during that phase, it makes it so much 203 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:18,679 Speaker 1: harder to really like adjust when those things eventually come out. 204 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,400 Speaker 1: So I think, yes, living with somebody gives you a 205 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:25,000 Speaker 1: front row seat to those things. You also hopefully should 206 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,960 Speaker 1: have seen it before, you know, back to that previous point. 207 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,720 Speaker 1: That's why people call living together like the relationship accelerator. 208 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,520 Speaker 1: Everything is sped up the connection. But also the conflict, 209 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:41,440 Speaker 1: the communication, the hobbies you share, the relationship you have. 210 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,320 Speaker 1: You can learn in six months of living with somebody 211 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 1: what it may have taken two to three years to 212 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,920 Speaker 1: learn about them. So you just need to know you're 213 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,120 Speaker 1: ready for that kind of shock of either you know, 214 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,360 Speaker 1: loving somebody even deeper because of that, or being a 215 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,880 Speaker 1: little bit scared off. I will say you're probably like, 216 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,959 Speaker 1: why is this on the prose list? I think as 217 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,320 Speaker 1: on the pros list because you know this is going 218 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:06,400 Speaker 1: to sound cynical, but eventually you're going to learn about 219 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: these things right and living together means you learn about 220 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,760 Speaker 1: them quicker, and if they are really big deal breakers, 221 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:17,320 Speaker 1: like it does save you a lot of time, and 222 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,360 Speaker 1: I think that think of that as a pro and 223 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,240 Speaker 1: then you know, if it does work out and you 224 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 1: determine that you are really compatible, then you just get 225 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:30,320 Speaker 1: to know somebody even more intimately. So either way, like 226 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,559 Speaker 1: I do, think that you know somebody better, and whether 227 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,360 Speaker 1: you know that they're not right for you or know 228 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,880 Speaker 1: that they are right for you, that is still a huge, 229 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 1: huge win. I think a big reason why it is 230 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,200 Speaker 1: so emotionally intimate as well, just to like further hone 231 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:48,959 Speaker 1: in on this point is because this is the first 232 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 1: person since your family to see you at this level 233 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,720 Speaker 1: of like intimate proximity. When you live alone, when you 234 00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,280 Speaker 1: live with friends, there's still a degree of performance, even 235 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,040 Speaker 1: if it's small. You know, you do still try to 236 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,000 Speaker 1: be more tidy and try to be a more functional 237 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:10,080 Speaker 1: adult version of yourself. But living with your partner, I 238 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:14,040 Speaker 1: think removes that layer, like they do truly see everything. 239 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 1: In a lot of ways, cohabitation feels very familiar. This 240 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 1: is what I found. I feel like the first time 241 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,240 Speaker 1: I've done it, but it just feels like I've done 242 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:29,560 Speaker 1: it before because it mirrors that deep domestic intimacy that 243 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:33,520 Speaker 1: you have with your family, the sharing of space, the 244 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 1: sharing of chores, the sharing of life, of the background 245 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 1: noise of day to day. This time, though, I think 246 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,040 Speaker 1: it's like a beautiful thing that you are. You're getting 247 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,880 Speaker 1: to choose your family. You're choosing the person you want 248 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,640 Speaker 1: to move in with. You're choosing your partner rather than 249 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:53,960 Speaker 1: just being in the family that you're born into. It will, though, somebody, 250 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,880 Speaker 1: something that I don't see people talk about a lot, 251 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,960 Speaker 1: is when you move in with somebody, you will experience 252 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 1: this thing called family re enact. Basically, all of us 253 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,480 Speaker 1: carry emotional patterns that we've learned from early on, from 254 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 1: across our lives, emotional patterns to do with affection, to 255 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:14,800 Speaker 1: do with conflict, responsibility, communication, and when you are with 256 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,320 Speaker 1: your partner and there is that same level of intimacy 257 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:21,080 Speaker 1: as you had with your family, this stuff is going 258 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,080 Speaker 1: to come out and it might shock you. It might 259 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,880 Speaker 1: honestly terrify you to be like, Wait, I'm in this 260 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 1: big adult relationship and suddenly I'm acting like a child again. 261 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,280 Speaker 1: Why does that happen? Because I know that's a pretty 262 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:37,280 Speaker 1: common experience where you kind of feel like you're reversing 263 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,280 Speaker 1: in maturity. Where we're going to talk about all of that, 264 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,080 Speaker 1: as well as some other complexities of living with somebody 265 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:52,520 Speaker 1: after this short break. So you move in with your partner, 266 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:57,840 Speaker 1: you're feeling super grown up, and then you find yourself regressing. 267 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:03,040 Speaker 1: Why is that? There's a really key psychoanalytic theory you 268 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:07,240 Speaker 1: should know called object relations theory that explains this really well. 269 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:11,440 Speaker 1: The theory was developed in psychoanalytics psychology by Melanie Klein 270 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:15,080 Speaker 1: and Donald Winnicott, and they basically suggest that our earliest 271 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 1: relationships i e. Those with our parents or caregivers become 272 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:24,920 Speaker 1: internalized as objects, and by that I don't mean physical objects, 273 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:31,360 Speaker 1: but emotional templates. These internal objects or templates represent how 274 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: we learned to relate to love, relate to care, safety, 275 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:40,800 Speaker 1: and dependence. For example, if your primary caregiver was warm 276 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:45,000 Speaker 1: and reliable, your internal template or object is one that 277 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:48,480 Speaker 1: tells you that intimacy feels safe, that love can be trusted. 278 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,960 Speaker 1: But if your caregiver was inconsistent, was critical, love was conditional, 279 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: you carry around an internal template that says love is unstable, 280 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 1: love has to be earned. Fast forward to your twenties 281 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,560 Speaker 1: and suddenly you know you're living with your partner, the 282 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,600 Speaker 1: person who was closest to you since those original caregivers, 283 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:13,320 Speaker 1: those internalized dynamics will reappear. This is where this concept 284 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,119 Speaker 1: of transference comes in. This is the process whereby we 285 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:22,679 Speaker 1: project old feelings and expectations from our early relationships onto 286 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:27,000 Speaker 1: our current ones, especially during times when things feel a 287 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:31,840 Speaker 1: bit unstable or new, like when you move in with somebody. 288 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 1: It's fun, it's also stressful. Transference makes cohabitation so emotionally 289 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:43,800 Speaker 1: rich because you're sharing internal worlds. You're sharing emotional histories. 290 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 1: There's just the nature of the environment and the closeness 291 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,719 Speaker 1: that you are having is going to feel reminiscent of 292 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,160 Speaker 1: previous times you felt this close to people, and those 293 00:17:55,280 --> 00:18:00,920 Speaker 1: reactive or reactionary patterns will often be the same. Now, 294 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,720 Speaker 1: the thing is, this is not always a bad thing. 295 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:10,000 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's actually an opportunity to rewrite previous models, previous 296 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,000 Speaker 1: templates of how you relate to people. You know. Unlike 297 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:17,879 Speaker 1: your family dynamic, this relationship is chosen. You're not a 298 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,720 Speaker 1: kid anymore. You have self awareness, you have hopefully a 299 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:26,120 Speaker 1: quality you can communicate, and you can actually address issues 300 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,879 Speaker 1: that come up in a way that your childhood self 301 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,840 Speaker 1: couldn't and say, hey, you know, when you get quiet 302 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:35,000 Speaker 1: during arguments, it reminds me of how silence feil to 303 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,200 Speaker 1: my house. I don't want to do that anymore. Can 304 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,720 Speaker 1: we talk about this differently? I need you to be 305 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,600 Speaker 1: or to make more time for me, because otherwise I 306 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: feel my abandonment wound really firing up. And that's how 307 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:52,239 Speaker 1: transference really can turn into deep emotional transformation. If you 308 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,439 Speaker 1: are with the right person and you're living together, you 309 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,959 Speaker 1: get to rewrite the emotional scripts you were handed. You 310 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:03,880 Speaker 1: create you templates for what love and safety and care 311 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,600 Speaker 1: can feel like. And I count that as a huge 312 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,040 Speaker 1: pro I think a lot of my cons are also pros. 313 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 1: Right when else do you have the opportunity, And it 314 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:18,800 Speaker 1: truly is an opportunity to rewire your primal childhood wounds. 315 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:26,679 Speaker 1: So just to give a little rundown pros convenience financial 316 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,680 Speaker 1: makes financial sense. Now, the pro of living together is 317 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:33,360 Speaker 1: it's just a lot of fun. It also challenges your 318 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:36,760 Speaker 1: emotional bond and it really tells you whether you should 319 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,520 Speaker 1: shouldn't be with somebody you know. Obviously that might end 320 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,320 Speaker 1: in a breakup. That's not necessarily a bad thing if 321 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,359 Speaker 1: it saves you a lot of time. So with that 322 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:50,000 Speaker 1: in mind, let's switch gears. Let's talk about the harder parts, 323 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,919 Speaker 1: the things you should definitely be aware of before choosing 324 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,560 Speaker 1: to live with somebody in your twenties. Now. One of 325 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,600 Speaker 1: the biggest drawbacks, and it's going to be ironic that 326 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,760 Speaker 1: I mentioned this, considering what I just said, is that 327 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,840 Speaker 1: any future breakup is going to be a lot more complicated. 328 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,439 Speaker 1: Not that it isn't going to be right, It's just 329 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:11,240 Speaker 1: going to be complicated. And no matter how in love 330 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:15,400 Speaker 1: you are, how strong, the first few months of living 331 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 1: together are how strong you guys are as a couple. 332 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,720 Speaker 1: Before you move in, you are going to have moments 333 00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:25,679 Speaker 1: where you fight and you argue and you feel like, 334 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: you know, what are we doing? Like can we work 335 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,040 Speaker 1: through this? It's just totally normal for couples to go 336 00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:35,080 Speaker 1: through that. And maybe the answer you come to is no. 337 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 1: When you live separately and you break up, you don't 338 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,320 Speaker 1: have kids, you don't have shared furniture, you don't have 339 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 1: a pet, you can just leave, you cry, you unfollow, 340 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 1: you heal. Your space is not their space. When you 341 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 1: live together, there's a lease, there's shared furniture, there's the 342 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:55,080 Speaker 1: shared pet, there's a shared life, there's shared bank accounts. 343 00:20:55,119 --> 00:21:02,200 Speaker 1: Maybe these logistics alone can turn an emotion hard breakup 344 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 1: into a logistical nightmare. This has happened to a few 345 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,439 Speaker 1: friends of mine and it was honestly really hard to 346 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,199 Speaker 1: see them go through it. I know it was for 347 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,960 Speaker 1: the best, but you know at times, like one of 348 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,560 Speaker 1: my friends had to continue living in an apartment with 349 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,719 Speaker 1: somebody who cheated on her and the guy was in 350 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:22,439 Speaker 1: a new relationship because they had this lease and she 351 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:26,639 Speaker 1: couldn't afford to break it. Like that is tough, or 352 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:31,040 Speaker 1: the alternative is you ignore red flags to avoid the 353 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:35,440 Speaker 1: complications of a breakup because mentally, now that you live together, 354 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,160 Speaker 1: you think it's going to be way too difficult. There 355 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:42,400 Speaker 1: is a term for this in psychology. It's called relationship inertia. 356 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:47,119 Speaker 1: It describes how living together can actually make people stay 357 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:51,600 Speaker 1: in relationships longer than they would have otherwise, simply because 358 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:55,280 Speaker 1: it's harder to leave. The thought of moving out, the 359 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:59,359 Speaker 1: thought of dividing belongings, of finding a new place. It 360 00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 1: can all make staying just seem a lot easier, even 361 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:06,199 Speaker 1: if you're unhappy. And then where does that leave you 362 00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,920 Speaker 1: in a relationship you don't want to be in, or 363 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,200 Speaker 1: because you made a decision maybe a little bit too early. 364 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,080 Speaker 1: We're going to return to the role of finances here 365 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,040 Speaker 1: as well. It comes up yet again. I feel like 366 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,600 Speaker 1: money is both the biggest pro and the biggest con. 367 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,560 Speaker 1: Sharing rent and bills seems like it's going to be straightforward, 368 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,720 Speaker 1: it's going to save you money. It does actually introduce 369 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,360 Speaker 1: a layer of dependency that can be really tricky to navigate. 370 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,960 Speaker 1: What happens if one of you loses a job, What 371 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:38,000 Speaker 1: if you earn significantly different amounts do you split everything 372 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,760 Speaker 1: fifty to fifty or do you split it proportionally? What 373 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,600 Speaker 1: if you buy a property, You know, that's a whole 374 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:48,160 Speaker 1: other legal layer. Money, as we know from research conducted 375 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:52,520 Speaker 1: in twenty fourteen, is the biggest source of relationship conflict, 376 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,440 Speaker 1: and cohabitation brings that right to the surface. It's also, 377 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,679 Speaker 1: as that previous study said, one of the biggest reasons 378 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,920 Speaker 1: people move in together. I actually saw a recent Vice 379 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:06,639 Speaker 1: article aptly titled Till Debt Do Us Part which talked 380 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:10,240 Speaker 1: about this, and one of the surveys they discussed found 381 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:14,320 Speaker 1: that nearly one in four Americans in a relationship would 382 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:17,840 Speaker 1: leave if they knew they could get out without going broke. 383 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,879 Speaker 1: That is a quarter of the people they spoke to. 384 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,040 Speaker 1: A quarter of people were like, I actually don't want 385 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,960 Speaker 1: to be in this relationship. Money is what's keeping me here. 386 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,760 Speaker 1: And this is what the financial state of so many 387 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:34,239 Speaker 1: countries is encouraging. It's economic codependence that means people are 388 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:38,439 Speaker 1: staying in relationships way longer than they should. And of 389 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,400 Speaker 1: course that doesn't mean living together dooms you to inertia 390 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:46,159 Speaker 1: or dooms you to financial codependency. You just have to 391 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,359 Speaker 1: be extra aware of your motivations. And I do also 392 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,280 Speaker 1: think that it's wise to still have your own bank account, 393 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,560 Speaker 1: to still have some of your own money. You know, 394 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:59,720 Speaker 1: you might trust this person with your life. People still 395 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,639 Speaker 1: make stupid mistakes. Things do still happen. It's not about 396 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,800 Speaker 1: having one foot out the door. It's just about being 397 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,320 Speaker 1: prepared for what life throws at you in the most 398 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:13,680 Speaker 1: rational and best possible way. Another practical con of moving 399 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,439 Speaker 1: in together is you do lose a lot of personal space, 400 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,159 Speaker 1: and you just got to assess whether that's something you're 401 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,600 Speaker 1: willing to lose. You know, if you've ever lived alone, 402 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,520 Speaker 1: it's the best. I love living alone. You get to 403 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:29,240 Speaker 1: walk around in silence, you get to make as much 404 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,680 Speaker 1: or as little of a mess as possible. Your room 405 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 1: and your house always gets to feel the way you 406 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,080 Speaker 1: want it to feel. You're in charge of the furniture, 407 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:40,760 Speaker 1: you're in charge of what's on the TV. When you 408 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,119 Speaker 1: live with somebody else, that solitude and the freedom of 409 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:48,560 Speaker 1: that solitude does drastically shrink. You know, suddenly your downtime 410 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,200 Speaker 1: is shared time. Your home, the place that you used 411 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:55,960 Speaker 1: to retreat to, does become a shared environment. And yes, 412 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,560 Speaker 1: in an ideal world, you choose to be in a 413 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:02,119 Speaker 1: relationship where you can be your wacky, wonderful, weird self 414 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,399 Speaker 1: in front of them comfortably. But regardless of that, you 415 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:09,359 Speaker 1: still do need personal time to function. One estimate I 416 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,879 Speaker 1: found suggests that the perfect race for a relationship is 417 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: seventy percent of time together thirty percent of time alone. 418 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,280 Speaker 1: That's the maximum level that people can handle. So what 419 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,280 Speaker 1: I mean by is like, if it went any higher 420 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,600 Speaker 1: than that, that's when a relationship does deeply suffer or 421 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: does become hyper dependent. You just need to be able 422 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,119 Speaker 1: to recognize yourself as an individual. That's really what it 423 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,679 Speaker 1: means to be functioning in this relationship and out of it, 424 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:39,800 Speaker 1: having enough time to know who you are outside of 425 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 1: the balance of who this person is to you. I 426 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,639 Speaker 1: think what works for me and Tom is that I 427 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:49,160 Speaker 1: work from home all day, so I spend a lot 428 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:52,080 Speaker 1: of time by myself whilst he is obviously at work 429 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:55,280 Speaker 1: and he has coworkers, And then when he gets home, 430 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,600 Speaker 1: I'll be out and we kind of switch shifts where 431 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,720 Speaker 1: he has his alone time, and that works really well 432 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:05,320 Speaker 1: for us. That you know, our evenings and our days 433 00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:08,200 Speaker 1: on the week are kind of a little bit separate, 434 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:10,119 Speaker 1: Like obviously we still see each other when one of 435 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,800 Speaker 1: us gets home, and we still go to the gym 436 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,000 Speaker 1: together and all that stuff. But then on weekends is 437 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:19,159 Speaker 1: when we have our quality time. Right. We always take Tarloo, 438 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:22,200 Speaker 1: our dog, on like a big adventure, you know it's 439 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,160 Speaker 1: her weekend too, and then we like do a big 440 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,320 Speaker 1: grocery shop, we go for a big run, we do 441 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,680 Speaker 1: a date night. It's the best that works for us 442 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,480 Speaker 1: because I need a lot more alone time than he does. 443 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,560 Speaker 1: My work situation. His work situation allows that he's in 444 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,399 Speaker 1: the office full time. I'm at home full time. But 445 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:43,480 Speaker 1: it's all about just managing expectations and making sure that 446 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:47,240 Speaker 1: they're aligned with that in mind. Let's talk about expectations 447 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:51,080 Speaker 1: for a second here. Living together will raise your expectations 448 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,359 Speaker 1: for your partner. This person is no longer you're like 449 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,520 Speaker 1: weekend fun. This is your partner as in like needs 450 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,840 Speaker 1: to be by your side, should be by your side, 451 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:04,360 Speaker 1: has to support you through good and bad. Your expectations 452 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:08,480 Speaker 1: for them obviously increase, and when those expectations aren't met, 453 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:14,159 Speaker 1: resentment will grow in their place resentment. As we know 454 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:19,320 Speaker 1: from Relationship Institute's relationship researchers like the Gotman institute is 455 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:23,240 Speaker 1: like a huge poison for a relationship. If you resent 456 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,520 Speaker 1: the other person without communicating it, like, your relationship isn't 457 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,560 Speaker 1: going to last. And the first few months are usually 458 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,760 Speaker 1: the hardest when you are adjusting to each other's rhythms, 459 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:39,160 Speaker 1: you are adjusting to each other's routines and emotional lives. 460 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,560 Speaker 1: Conflict is going to increase in this time. I'm just 461 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,639 Speaker 1: gonna let you know that before you move in together, 462 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:50,479 Speaker 1: before you sign the lease, like, you are going to 463 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,920 Speaker 1: fight probably the most in your relationship than you ever 464 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 1: have in the first like six months that you live together. 465 00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 1: It's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. It's 466 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:02,080 Speaker 1: an adjustment thing. Just make sure you get to a 467 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:06,840 Speaker 1: solid ground with each other around what your expectations are 468 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:10,520 Speaker 1: now and what you maybe do and don't need from 469 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,520 Speaker 1: the relationship or from the future real relationship to remain 470 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:18,719 Speaker 1: happy in this new chapter that you're sharing. So with 471 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:20,480 Speaker 1: all that in mind, I want to talk about the 472 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:24,399 Speaker 1: five things you need to be super clear on before 473 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:28,480 Speaker 1: living with somebody in your twenties. The first one is money, 474 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:32,320 Speaker 1: So number one, you need to understand finances, and I 475 00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:34,399 Speaker 1: have five things that you need to agree on or 476 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:37,240 Speaker 1: sit down with each other and talk about before you 477 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,800 Speaker 1: sign the lease, how is rank going to be split? 478 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:41,600 Speaker 1: I literally want you to get a piece of pen 479 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:43,840 Speaker 1: and paper and write this down like you're writing down 480 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:47,239 Speaker 1: a contract. How is rant going to be split? Are 481 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,120 Speaker 1: you going to have shared accounts? Who is responsible for 482 00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:53,480 Speaker 1: managing and paying bills? And when and which? And does 483 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,880 Speaker 1: that change? What will you buy together and what will 484 00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:59,840 Speaker 1: you buy separately? So like groceries, maybe one of you 485 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,120 Speaker 1: really expensive haircare products. Maybe one of you wants to 486 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:05,760 Speaker 1: has a car that the other person uses. Like what 487 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:08,680 Speaker 1: are you going to pay for separately and together? What 488 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,560 Speaker 1: is your plan if one of you loses your income 489 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:16,040 Speaker 1: or loses your job. These are pretty drag questions, super dry, 490 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,600 Speaker 1: but super important to iron out. And literally I want 491 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,920 Speaker 1: you to write this down and put it in your 492 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:26,160 Speaker 1: cutlery drawer for future reference to come back to next. 493 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,240 Speaker 1: Chores and domestic labor, something seemingly as small as who 494 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:35,400 Speaker 1: does the dishes is very symbolically loaded, and the research 495 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:39,080 Speaker 1: is full of studies that demonstrate this. The unequal division 496 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:43,480 Speaker 1: of household work is a significant predictor of relationship breakdown. 497 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:48,360 Speaker 1: I think chores are like a microcosm of the relationship, 498 00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:54,360 Speaker 1: they're super small. Within them, big themes get represented. How 499 00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:57,760 Speaker 1: do we share responsibility, how do we respect each other's time, 500 00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:01,720 Speaker 1: how do we express care? And here's the uncomfortable truth 501 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:06,120 Speaker 1: about it. You know, in heterosexual relationships in particular, even 502 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:11,200 Speaker 1: amongst progressive modern couples, the household load will still tend 503 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:15,520 Speaker 1: to fall heavily on women. Multiple studies, including research from 504 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:19,320 Speaker 1: the Pew Research Center from the University of Michigan, they 505 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:25,400 Speaker 1: found that women in cohabitating or married relationships still perform 506 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:29,800 Speaker 1: a disproportionate share of domestic labor, even when they work 507 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:33,600 Speaker 1: more hours at their actual jobs, even when both partners 508 00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:38,160 Speaker 1: work full time. Sociologists call this they actually have a 509 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:41,479 Speaker 1: name for it, the second shift. It's a term coined 510 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:45,280 Speaker 1: by Ali Hotschild to describe how women often work a 511 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 1: full day professionally and they come back and work a 512 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:52,040 Speaker 1: second job of managing the household. And it's not always intentional, 513 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:56,640 Speaker 1: it's not malicious, it's just deeply ingrained social conditioning. Women 514 00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:01,200 Speaker 1: are often raised to notice domestic needs, to anticipate when 515 00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:04,200 Speaker 1: the laundry is piling up, when the bathroom needs scrubbing, 516 00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:07,120 Speaker 1: when the fridge is empty. You know, I feel so 517 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:11,040 Speaker 1: lucky that And I'm not trying to brag. I know 518 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:12,440 Speaker 1: how this is going to come off. But like my 519 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:15,840 Speaker 1: boyfriend does all that stuff. In fact, I think it's 520 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:19,000 Speaker 1: unequal for him, which is a win for feminism. But 521 00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:21,960 Speaker 1: I also know I pay more of the household expenses, 522 00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:26,400 Speaker 1: so we've just found something that works for us. And 523 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:28,600 Speaker 1: I also think that for me, like I take on 524 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:30,960 Speaker 1: more of the thinking about our lives, he does more 525 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,120 Speaker 1: of the physical labor when it comes all the physical 526 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:37,000 Speaker 1: chores when it comes to our lives. This brings me 527 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 1: to the next point, the mental load, the invisible labor 528 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:46,880 Speaker 1: of remembering, planning, anticipating. Even in relationships where both partners 529 00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:49,320 Speaker 1: are trying to be fair, when it comes to chores, 530 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:53,160 Speaker 1: it's not just about tasks, it's about who keeps track 531 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:56,200 Speaker 1: of them. I feel like this is something a lot 532 00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:59,840 Speaker 1: of men don't realize, Like women don't want to have 533 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:03,160 Speaker 1: to ask you to do something. You doing something because 534 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,800 Speaker 1: she asked is not as good as you doing something 535 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:10,040 Speaker 1: because you anticipated that it needed to be done. So 536 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:13,360 Speaker 1: when you move in together, it's really worth having a conversation. 537 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:19,160 Speaker 1: What does equal actually mean? What does mental load and 538 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:22,040 Speaker 1: the mental energy required for the upkeep of a home. 539 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:24,880 Speaker 1: Actually mean, who's going to take that on. How are 540 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:29,040 Speaker 1: we going to have conversations around when things may fall 541 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,760 Speaker 1: off from being equal, because they will, like people get 542 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:35,200 Speaker 1: more busy at work, people travel. I just you need 543 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:37,959 Speaker 1: to know who is responsible for those conversations and who 544 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,600 Speaker 1: is responsible for those activities. The good news this is 545 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,600 Speaker 1: one of the easiest things to get right. If you're 546 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 1: conscious about it. You can very easily create systems that 547 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:52,120 Speaker 1: distribute work and mental load, that alternate responsibilities if you 548 00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:54,280 Speaker 1: talk about it openly, and if you know you're with 549 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 1: somebody who is going to be willing to meet you 550 00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:59,520 Speaker 1: in the middle, meet you halfway. Okay, we're going to 551 00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:02,200 Speaker 1: take another quick break, but when we return, let's talk 552 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:04,760 Speaker 1: about the two final things you should have ironed out 553 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:07,520 Speaker 1: before moving in with somebody, and some final tips for 554 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:15,520 Speaker 1: keeping the love flowing. So stay with us. So we've 555 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:19,160 Speaker 1: talked about mental load, we've talked about money. The next 556 00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:22,280 Speaker 1: important thing to consider is what happens when you need 557 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:26,000 Speaker 1: alone time. Just because you live together doesn't mean you 558 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:30,720 Speaker 1: have to spend every second and every moment together. I 559 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,120 Speaker 1: think the healthiest thing you can do is maintain a 560 00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:38,240 Speaker 1: sense of individuality. It's very easy to slip into social 561 00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:43,400 Speaker 1: dependency emotional dependency because your partner is right there. Independence 562 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:48,239 Speaker 1: is what keeps the relationship fresh. I really think it's 563 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:50,840 Speaker 1: important before you move in with each other to make 564 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:55,440 Speaker 1: sure that your personal lives and your individual lives are 565 00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:58,840 Speaker 1: just as full and just as fruitful as the life 566 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:02,360 Speaker 1: you share together. You have hobbies, you have friends outside 567 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:04,760 Speaker 1: of the relationship, or you're committed to making your friends 568 00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:08,479 Speaker 1: outside of the relationship. It's maybe it's just not something 569 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,319 Speaker 1: you have to think about, but if you do, and 570 00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:13,319 Speaker 1: if you have any doubts about that, I think give 571 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:15,799 Speaker 1: it some time so that you have independent lives before 572 00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:19,600 Speaker 1: you merge them. I also think it's really important on 573 00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:22,719 Speaker 1: the flip side, to schedule like dates in with each other. 574 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,040 Speaker 1: Even if you live with each other, you need to 575 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:27,239 Speaker 1: have like a little ritual for your relationship. I think 576 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:30,680 Speaker 1: couples who keep dating each other tend to have the 577 00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:34,960 Speaker 1: longest and healthiest relationships because it's no longer passive. They're 578 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:38,160 Speaker 1: not just like a roommate. There are somebody that you're 579 00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:40,960 Speaker 1: actively still falling in love with. So make sure you 580 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:44,880 Speaker 1: schedule the solo dates. Schedule the solo nights. Also schedule 581 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:47,280 Speaker 1: the couple time and the couple dates to make it special. 582 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:50,120 Speaker 1: And finally, the final thing you should have ironed out 583 00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:54,040 Speaker 1: of our five things is what is the protocol on guests. 584 00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:56,560 Speaker 1: You don't want to feel like you're tiptoeing around your 585 00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:59,879 Speaker 1: house when your partner's friends are around. You don't want 586 00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:02,239 Speaker 1: to feel like you have to tell them no when 587 00:35:02,239 --> 00:35:04,799 Speaker 1: they're family visits that you know they can't stay in 588 00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:08,800 Speaker 1: your spare bedroom. Having mismatched comfort levels around these things 589 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:12,239 Speaker 1: is normal. It's also going to create tension and it's 590 00:35:12,239 --> 00:35:14,759 Speaker 1: going to cause you to turn against each other. Have 591 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:20,680 Speaker 1: those conversations early, Have them intentionally, because when you move 592 00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:24,960 Speaker 1: in with somebody like you are merging emotional, internal, psychological lives. 593 00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:27,960 Speaker 1: This place is also their place as much as it 594 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:29,840 Speaker 1: is yours, and of course you want them to respect 595 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,799 Speaker 1: your wishes. But if there is this huge mismatch, it's 596 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:36,879 Speaker 1: probably worth just getting to the bottom of before you 597 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:41,120 Speaker 1: sign the lease. I also think it's a great mark 598 00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:45,200 Speaker 1: of respect if you're both really considered in these kinds 599 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:48,360 Speaker 1: of decisions. It's not the end of the world to 600 00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:50,560 Speaker 1: change your mind about these things, and not the end 601 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:54,160 Speaker 1: of the world to have moments where somebody doesn't maybe 602 00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:58,680 Speaker 1: necessarily think about the other person's feelings as clearly as 603 00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:01,959 Speaker 1: they should. It's okay to have moments of being really 604 00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:05,360 Speaker 1: annoyed and frustrating. You are on the same team though 605 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:10,759 Speaker 1: you are partners before you are roommates. Just continue to 606 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,040 Speaker 1: revise and continue to talk about it. So before we 607 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:16,960 Speaker 1: wrap up, I want to give you some final questions 608 00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:22,040 Speaker 1: to ask yourself before making the biggest, best, greatest decision 609 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:25,120 Speaker 1: of moving in with somebody. Answer these in your head, 610 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,920 Speaker 1: use them as journal prompts whatever you need to do. 611 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,120 Speaker 1: Maybe you can even talk about them with your partner. 612 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:32,520 Speaker 1: Whatever you want. Just have these in the back of 613 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,440 Speaker 1: your mind. I think they will reveal whether this is 614 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:38,759 Speaker 1: the right decision or not. Number one, why do you 615 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:43,360 Speaker 1: want to move in? Are you sliding or are you deciding? 616 00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:47,640 Speaker 1: Is it because it feels right emotionally or convenient financially? 617 00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:53,720 Speaker 1: Neither is necessarily wrong, but just be clear on your intentions. Second, 618 00:36:54,600 --> 00:37:00,279 Speaker 1: how do you typically individually handle conflict and is there 619 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:02,360 Speaker 1: something that you could be doing or thinking about that 620 00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:05,480 Speaker 1: could help you handle that better? Third, do you feel 621 00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:09,040 Speaker 1: emotionally and physically safe with this person? You know you 622 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:11,879 Speaker 1: are going to see each other at your very very 623 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:16,920 Speaker 1: best and you're very very worst. Safety, whether it's emotional, psychological, physical, 624 00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:19,879 Speaker 1: is a non negotiable. Is this person going to help 625 00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:22,440 Speaker 1: you grow through hard times? And do you feel like 626 00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:25,879 Speaker 1: you can trust them? Fourth are you on the same 627 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:31,560 Speaker 1: page about the future, not necessarily about marriage, but just 628 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:34,239 Speaker 1: about the future in general, what this move means for 629 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:38,160 Speaker 1: your relationship. I don't know if anybody else has been watching. 630 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:40,920 Speaker 1: Nobody wants this, but I feel like there is I 631 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:44,440 Speaker 1: don't want to do spoilers. There is a specific scene 632 00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:47,640 Speaker 1: in the latest season where they well I'm going to 633 00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:49,480 Speaker 1: spoil it, where they talk about moving in with each other, 634 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:53,760 Speaker 1: and I just feel like the way they go about 635 00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,640 Speaker 1: it is quite well. One of them is quite mature 636 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:59,880 Speaker 1: and like the Rabbi is quite mature, and Kristen's belt 637 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:03,399 Speaker 1: Bell's character like isn't. But I really agreed with him 638 00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:04,719 Speaker 1: where he was like, I don't know if we have 639 00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:08,120 Speaker 1: a future together. If you have doubts about it. It's 640 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:09,759 Speaker 1: not saying you have to know, you don't have to 641 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:11,960 Speaker 1: have a ring, but if you can see there is 642 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,359 Speaker 1: a genuine fundamental incompatibility that you just keep sweeping under 643 00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:18,880 Speaker 1: the rug. Maybe don't do it. Maybe that is an 644 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:22,520 Speaker 1: incompatibility that you work through that someone changes their mind about. 645 00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:25,960 Speaker 1: But just be sure that this is something that's going 646 00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:29,080 Speaker 1: to go into benefit and level up your relationship, and 647 00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:33,560 Speaker 1: that the relationship has a future in general. Number five, 648 00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:36,160 Speaker 1: Are you ready to share your space in this way? 649 00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,759 Speaker 1: Love is one thing, living together as another. You can 650 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:42,600 Speaker 1: adore somebody and still realize you're not quite ready to 651 00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:46,600 Speaker 1: merge your worlds. It's okay to wait. I feel like 652 00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:48,440 Speaker 1: me and Tom had this discussion where we were like, 653 00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:51,040 Speaker 1: I'm sure we could do it, but would this give 654 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:54,840 Speaker 1: us the best chances of enjoying it when we like 655 00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:57,080 Speaker 1: moving in with each other this early on. Probably not. 656 00:38:57,880 --> 00:38:59,759 Speaker 1: We're not ready to share space, We're not ready to 657 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:02,759 Speaker 1: share our lives yet. In this way, we are going 658 00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:05,640 Speaker 1: to wait. And it was a great decision and a 659 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:09,920 Speaker 1: bonus question. Do you feel stable enough in yourself to 660 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:15,279 Speaker 1: make this choice now? Obviously circumstances change. Maybe you're getting 661 00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:18,400 Speaker 1: kicked out of your apartment, maybe you're super broke and 662 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:23,200 Speaker 1: you don't feel that stable in your life, But ideally 663 00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:27,040 Speaker 1: you should feel like there is not too much chaos 664 00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:29,200 Speaker 1: going on there is not too much chaos that is 665 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:33,160 Speaker 1: directly impacting this decision. This is a decision I am 666 00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:37,319 Speaker 1: deciding on rather than siding into. To give yourself the 667 00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:39,320 Speaker 1: best chances that this relationship is going to work. You 668 00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:42,320 Speaker 1: obviously really love this person, You really care about this person. 669 00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:46,000 Speaker 1: Know yourself. If you have a tendency to rush into things, 670 00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,880 Speaker 1: to self sabotage, to get really excited. If this person 671 00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:53,400 Speaker 1: is your forever person, you will get there eventually. You 672 00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:55,719 Speaker 1: will move in with them eventually. If you feel like 673 00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:58,040 Speaker 1: your life is not stable enough for you to make 674 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:01,200 Speaker 1: a rational choice about it, just hold off, hold off 675 00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:03,479 Speaker 1: a little bit. I think at its best, like living 676 00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:07,080 Speaker 1: with your partner in your twenties is really fun and 677 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:09,759 Speaker 1: it's really beautiful, and you really get to know each 678 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:12,640 Speaker 1: other more, and it's convenient and it makes financial sense. 679 00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:18,360 Speaker 1: You do close a chapter of your life that you 680 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:21,359 Speaker 1: have to feel ready to close. Like I will say 681 00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:23,640 Speaker 1: I again, I keep saying this. I love living with Tom. 682 00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:26,040 Speaker 1: There was definitely a part of me that mourned the 683 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:31,040 Speaker 1: fact that unless something really bad happens that I would 684 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:34,600 Speaker 1: obviously want to avoid, like one of us dies or 685 00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:36,719 Speaker 1: we break up, like I'm going to be sharing a 686 00:40:36,719 --> 00:40:40,600 Speaker 1: bed with this man for hopefully the rest of my life. 687 00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:44,000 Speaker 1: That makes me feel excited. I'm happy about that. There 688 00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:47,040 Speaker 1: is definitely a part of me that did moren you know, 689 00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:53,120 Speaker 1: living alone and did more the independence of being single 690 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:57,160 Speaker 1: and the independence of just being alone in my space 691 00:40:57,480 --> 00:41:00,319 Speaker 1: and just getting to live and operate every single day 692 00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:03,719 Speaker 1: without having to think about somebody else. It is like 693 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:07,799 Speaker 1: there is obviously, like an equation that is inherent in this. 694 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:10,080 Speaker 1: You do have to give up something to gain something. 695 00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:12,360 Speaker 1: Are you ready to give that up? Have you learned 696 00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,680 Speaker 1: what you needed to learn from your alone time, from 697 00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:19,200 Speaker 1: your living alone time, from your even like your single 698 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,680 Speaker 1: era time. Obviously you're not single if like you've been 699 00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:24,960 Speaker 1: dating them for a while, but like, I don't know 700 00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:28,120 Speaker 1: what the word for it is alone time? Okay, we'll 701 00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:30,920 Speaker 1: go with that. With your alone time, You're okay, I'm 702 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:32,520 Speaker 1: going to stop trying to find the right word. You're 703 00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:35,279 Speaker 1: alone time is what I mean. Just be really, really 704 00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:37,960 Speaker 1: cognizant of it. You know, you don't want to feel suffocated. 705 00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:39,880 Speaker 1: You don't want to feel like you rushed into this 706 00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:42,319 Speaker 1: prematurely and then you have to go back and you 707 00:41:42,360 --> 00:41:45,320 Speaker 1: have to explain things, and you know it's gonna get messy. 708 00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:48,240 Speaker 1: I just think the longer you wait, especially the longer 709 00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:51,719 Speaker 1: you outweit the honeymoon period, the better it's gonna be. 710 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:54,440 Speaker 1: So as for the question, should you move in with 711 00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:57,560 Speaker 1: your partner in your twenties, I don't know, and there's 712 00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,840 Speaker 1: no universal answer, but I just think can diser those points, 713 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:04,040 Speaker 1: consider those questions, consider the pros and cons, and if 714 00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:06,959 Speaker 1: you stand to gain more than you stand to lose, 715 00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:09,160 Speaker 1: which I don't think you will lose all too much, 716 00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:12,759 Speaker 1: absolutely you should do it and have the best time 717 00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:16,000 Speaker 1: at aikea, have the best time painting, have the best 718 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,799 Speaker 1: time going house hunting, like it's so much fun, it's 719 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:21,839 Speaker 1: so enjoyable, and I'm excited for you and for your 720 00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:25,640 Speaker 1: next chapter. If you made it this far in the episode, 721 00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:26,799 Speaker 1: if you made it all the way to the end, 722 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:30,160 Speaker 1: leave a little house emoji down below. Thanks for being 723 00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:33,719 Speaker 1: a loyal listener. Thanks for making it to the conclusion 724 00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:37,560 Speaker 1: of this episode. I want to thank our researcher Libby 725 00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:40,640 Speaker 1: Colbert for her help on this episode and her contributions. 726 00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:45,000 Speaker 1: If you want to make an episode suggestion, if you 727 00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:48,200 Speaker 1: want to tell me about your experience moving in with somebody, 728 00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:51,399 Speaker 1: whether it was good bad, what your tips are? Send 729 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:54,279 Speaker 1: me a DM on Instagram at that Psychology podcast and 730 00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:57,040 Speaker 1: make sure you're following us over there as well. Make 731 00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:59,720 Speaker 1: sure you are following us wherever you are listening, and please, 732 00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:01,960 Speaker 1: if you could kindly give us a five star review, 733 00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:05,920 Speaker 1: it really helps the show to grow and reach new people, 734 00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:09,520 Speaker 1: whether you're listening on Apple, on Spotify, on the iHeartRadio app, 735 00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:12,959 Speaker 1: I would greatly appreciate it. But until next time, thanks 736 00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:16,080 Speaker 1: again for tuning in, Stay safe, be kind, be gentle 737 00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:20,239 Speaker 1: to yourself. Good luck with the potential move in, and 738 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:21,959 Speaker 1: we will talk there very soon