Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Now the big news today the world and died.
Speaker 3: I think, are we even?
Speaker 1: Are we?
Speaker 2: Salon?
Speaker 1: I don't.
Speaker 2: There wasn't eclipse.
Speaker 1: It happened.
Speaker 4: The sun and the moon did the thing that everyone's
Speaker 4: been saying they were going to do for centuries. Now
Speaker 4: the path got totalitied and now both planets we'll go
Speaker 4: back to years of ignoring each other before they inevitably
Speaker 4: hook up again. Textbook toxic relationship. But not everyone was
Speaker 4: happy about today's celestial seasonings.
Speaker 2: For danger lurks.
Speaker 5: A boxer's a learn a rare celestial event collides with
Speaker 5: a policy failure on the ground.
Speaker 3: The southern border will be directly in the.
Speaker 6: Path of totality today when the moon covers the Sun
Speaker 6: for nearly four minutes.
Speaker 3: We are told that officials are bracing for higher traffic.
Speaker 4: Than usual, and that means a real opportunity for smugglers
Speaker 4: and cartels and migrants.
Speaker 1: To come right in, or they could just wait till nighttime.
Speaker 2: Really they don't have the eclipse four minutes.
Speaker 4: I gotta say, is there nothing Fox can't tie to immigration?
Speaker 4: This is this here Cicada infestation provides perfect cover for Venezuelans.
Speaker 4: Of course, if you combine the dangers of today's eclipse
Speaker 4: with Friday's seismic activity in the northeast, well, the more
Speaker 4: troubling picture emerges.
Speaker 7: Republican Congress from Marjorie Taylor Green tweeted, the earthquake and
Speaker 7: Monday solar eclipse are assigned from God that America need
Speaker 7: to repent.
Speaker 4: How how do you know? How would you know that
Speaker 4: that is what God meant? Why would God be so obtuse?
Speaker 4: Why would he do that?
Speaker 2: Or she?
Speaker 3: Why would she?
Speaker 4: Or how crazy would it be if God insisted on
Speaker 4: they them?
Speaker 3: But honestly, is this shit really how God works? I
Speaker 3: must let.
Speaker 2: Man know to repent their wickedness. How Lord, I don't know,
Speaker 2: dim the lights for.
Speaker 4: Like four minutes, very specific path and God, what else?
Speaker 2: Give New Jersey a little shape.
Speaker 4: Enough to render the buildings to rubble and to bring
Speaker 4: people to their knees in repentance and atonement.
Speaker 2: No, just a little like a.
Speaker 1: Jersey, just a little.
Speaker 4: Nookie like Oh Jersey, but divine messaging aside. It was
Speaker 4: the biggest story of the weekend. So for more on
Speaker 4: the eclipse, we have full team coverage.
Speaker 2: Let's go live to Ronnie Chang in Caromel, Texas. Grace
Speaker 2: cool E Slick in Niava.
Speaker 4: What a day, What a spectacular day, Grace. What is
Speaker 4: the mood out there in Niagara Falls?
Speaker 3: It's a clips day.
Speaker 4: The sky was dark, but the moods were bright because.
Speaker 3: This event was out of this world.
Speaker 4: Fantastic, John, Oh, Grace, that's fantastic, Ronnie.
Speaker 8: Thanks John. The eclipse's fine, but too bad they don't
Speaker 8: make us special kind of glasses that will allow us
Speaker 8: to look truly directly at the horrors that occurring around
Speaker 8: the world, especially in.
Speaker 1: That's a that's very true, running, very true. Powerful. Uh,
Speaker 1: those are powerful words, Grace.
Speaker 9: Oh, gauza Gaza.
Speaker 3: It's terrible, terrible, not terrible.
Speaker 9: Was the Crispy Cream Special Edition Solar Eclipse donut I
Speaker 9: had earlier? It was in the Path of Taste Sality.
Speaker 3: It was really really good.
Speaker 8: Is that a tambourine?
Speaker 9: Oh no, no, no.
Speaker 10: No no no, well technically it is.
Speaker 9: I was gonna do an eclipse dance, but it doesn't
Speaker 9: seem appropriate.
Speaker 1: I'd really like to see the dance.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, do the dance.
Speaker 9: The moon rise in the day time, block out the sun.
Speaker 9: It's so fun, family and friends, the joint ever ends.
Speaker 8: Yeah, you know that dance reminds me of the moral
Speaker 8: dance we all do every day to hide all complicity
Speaker 8: in the world's atrocities, and.
Speaker 3: I hope that was clear in my dance.
Speaker 1: Thank you both very much, Grace and Ronnie. Everybody well done.
Speaker 4: But the other big milestone from the eclipse is, as
Speaker 4: Ronnie mentionined, the war in Gaza is now six months old.
Speaker 4: I think time for a wellness check. But as the
Speaker 4: war has grinded on, justice is beginning to seem more
Speaker 4: like cruelty. But not to worry, America, the Shining City
Speaker 4: on a Hill is on the case with our universal
Speaker 4: values in the.
Speaker 11: Great battle for freedom between a rules based order and
Speaker 11: one governed by brute force.
Speaker 3: In this battle, we need to be clear eyed.
Speaker 4: And just to clarify, we are the freedom folks. We're
Speaker 4: the rules people. We're not the brute force ones. I
Speaker 4: think we all know who the brute force ones are
Speaker 4: in this case, Vladimir, and know that America will call
Speaker 4: you out when you violate the basic tenets of humanity,
Speaker 4: weaponizing food, using it as a tool as a weapon in.
Speaker 3: Its war against Ukraine. It's unconscionable, should not happen.
Speaker 1: It's a conscionable.
Speaker 4: Weaponizing food in Ukraine is not kosher nor helal. Sorry
Speaker 4: if I'm both sides of this, speaking of which there
Speaker 4: is a literal famine in Gaza caused by the war.
Speaker 4: I assume America will also consider this unconscionable.
Speaker 12: Absolutely, We're concerned about that, no question about it.
Speaker 4: Well, you can't spend spell unconscionable without concern, or at
Speaker 4: least part of it.
Speaker 1: The con part you can reuse the COEO. You get
Speaker 1: the point.
Speaker 4: How about the free press? Ordinarily we are strongly in
Speaker 4: favor of free press.
Speaker 5: We also condemn the Russian government's continued targeting and repression
Speaker 5: of journalists.
Speaker 2: You hear that Russia. We condemn.
Speaker 4: In no uncertain terms, any repression of a free press.
Speaker 4: I think you all know what's coming next. More journalists
Speaker 4: have been killed in six months then anywhere else in
Speaker 4: the world. And a new Israeli law says they can
Speaker 4: ban media outlets they consider a threat.
Speaker 5: So as it relates to Al Jazeer zero specifically, we've
Speaker 5: seen the reports.
Speaker 10: If it is true. If it is true, a move
Speaker 10: like this is concerning.
Speaker 4: We're concerned again, how about if it's true, we condemn it,
Speaker 4: and by the way, is it true? Like it feels
Speaker 4: like you could probably just go someone and be like,
Speaker 4: is this true, and if they're like, yeah, it's true,
Speaker 4: you can be like, that's concerning not condemning, but concerning well,
Speaker 4: you know what, perhaps these are just peripheral issues. What
Speaker 4: about the bedrock rule of international law, no taking land
Speaker 4: by force? When Russia does it, We're pretty clear.
Speaker 11: The entire world has a stake in making sure that
Speaker 11: no nation, no aggressor, is allowed to take a neighbor's
Speaker 11: territory by force. The American people will never waiver on
Speaker 11: our commitment to those values.
Speaker 4: Ish See, this is where Israel's action get interesting, because
Speaker 4: you might say Israel's war is different than Ukraine's. Israel's
Speaker 4: responding to an attack and a hostage crisis.
Speaker 1: But in the midst of.
Speaker 4: That, they pulled a little something in the West Bank.
Speaker 4: On March twenty second that might be notable.
Speaker 6: As the US Secretary of State Anthony Blincoln made his
Speaker 6: latest visit to Israel, the Israeli government announced that it
Speaker 6: was declaring state land, only two thousand acres of land
Speaker 6: in the occupied West Bank. This latest Israeli appropriation is
Speaker 6: the largest land transfersons the Oslo Accords were signed in
Speaker 6: nineteen ninety three.
Speaker 4: Nineteen ninety three, and that's not even Gaza, that's the
Speaker 4: West Bank. So you can't say has anything to do
Speaker 4: with defending yourself against the mass. Let's see if America
Speaker 4: upholds its rule against taking land.
Speaker 13: I haven't seen this facility of this, but anyone taking
Speaker 13: steps that makes things more difficult, more challenging.
Speaker 8: This time something.
Speaker 1: That we would have a problem with.
Speaker 2: You don't know about it. They did it the day
Speaker 2: you visited.
Speaker 4: Why do we tiptoe around on eggshells? They slap America
Speaker 4: in the face, and our response as well, if anyone
Speaker 4: slapped us in the face, it'd be concerning, that's for sure.
Speaker 4: I mean raising a hand to a delicate body part
Speaker 4: of the face. If true the verbal gymnastics that the
Speaker 4: American government must undertake so as not to offend the
Speaker 4: delicate sensibilities of a country we provide most of the
Speaker 4: weapons for is Yeah, every time America tells the world
Speaker 4: that there's something we won't allow, Israel seems to say
Speaker 4: challenge accepted.
Speaker 3: Are they wilfully.
Speaker 4: Trying to provoke us, or perhaps they're just reading our
Speaker 4: principles from right to left. It's over.
Speaker 3: It's really, to be honest, it's kind of a bar.
Speaker 1: It's for joke.
Speaker 3: Over thirty thousand have died in Gaza.
Speaker 1: Since the war started.
Speaker 4: Some of them have ast soldiers, thirteen thousand of them children.
Speaker 12: Our response, since the early hours, we've been urging our
Speaker 12: Israeli counterparts to act with as much precision as they can,
Speaker 12: and they're targeting. Our constant efforts to urge the Israelis
Speaker 12: to be as precise and careful as possible. We can
Speaker 12: still continue to urge Is to be.
Speaker 2: More careful and more precise.
Speaker 12: A need for the Israeli defense forces to act with precision.
Speaker 12: We continue to work with the Israelis to make sure
Speaker 12: that they are as precise as as they can be.
Speaker 1: See they're not listening.
Speaker 2: Have you tried synonyms for precision?
Speaker 12: We continue to stress to Israeli counterforce that they be
Speaker 12: as discriminate and careful in their targeting as possible, Be
Speaker 12: as cautious and deliberate and as careful as they can.
Speaker 12: To be more careful and more deliberate, Be very deliberate
Speaker 12: in the most discreete, deliberate, careful, cautious way possible, the
Speaker 12: utmost care, and.
Speaker 3: A special burden to be mindful, to be mindful. What
Speaker 3: is this hot yoga?
Speaker 4: We just you know, we've seen the bombing, and we
Speaker 4: are urging Netan Yahoo to be present. What are we
Speaker 4: doing here? The subtext of all this is America knows
Speaker 4: this is wrong, but it apparently doesn't seem to have
Speaker 4: the courage to say it in a straightforward manner. American
Speaker 4: Israel both know that you cannot bomb your way into safety.
Speaker 4: We learned that lesson in Irock and Afghanistan. They learned
Speaker 4: it in southern Lebanon. They laid siege there, occupied the
Speaker 4: southern area.
Speaker 1: For twenty years.
Speaker 4: All it did was birth and strength and hesbola.
Speaker 1: And they're about to do it all over again.
Speaker 4: And we are letting them real friends take the keys,
Speaker 4: because friends don't let friends bomb that much. And after this,
Speaker 4: we say, with so much horror, perhaps America finally finds
Speaker 4: the need for a new approach with Israel, with more
Speaker 4: justice and less cruelty. The US and Israel are closing
Speaker 4: in on what would be their largest weapons deal since
Speaker 4: the War in Gaza began well I don't know about you,
Speaker 4: but if that's true, I find it concerning. And with
Speaker 4: that devastating conclusion, we turned for more analysis back to
Speaker 4: gray SCHOOLI shmid grace.
Speaker 5: No, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 7: Let's kick things off with yesterday's solar eclipse, when people
Speaker 7: across the continent came together to have their wallets stolen
Speaker 7: while they were distracted by space. Hopefully everyone wore the
Speaker 7: correct safety glasses so they didn't catch COVID from the sun,
Speaker 7: but even if you did wear them, you still might
Speaker 7: have a solar hangover.
Speaker 14: Google trends report shows some of the eclipse watchers may
Speaker 14: not have been using proper eye protection. A company says
Speaker 14: it saw a spike in searches of my eyes hurt
Speaker 14: following the solar eclipse on Monday.
Speaker 3: My eyes hurt. That's not even a question.
Speaker 7: That just sounds like people were complaining to their computer,
Speaker 7: my eyes hurt.
Speaker 3: Google, get some friends, losers.
Speaker 7: By the way, I hate that Google uses our searches
Speaker 7: to monitor trends.
Speaker 3: That's why you got to throw up some fake searches.
Speaker 3: Every day.
Speaker 7: I'll put in my eyes hurt plus something random like
Speaker 7: hockey skates edible, just to throw it off. But this
Speaker 7: story does say a lot about the state of our
Speaker 7: healthcare system. Back in the day, if you had eye pain,
Speaker 7: you'd call up your family doctor and he'd tell you
Speaker 7: to smoke more cigarette. Nowadays you have to wait six
Speaker 7: weeks to get an appointment with your eyes doctor, or
Speaker 7: you can go online and immediately find out that the
Speaker 7: eclipse glasses gave you autism.
Speaker 3: Look, the.
Speaker 7: Good news is, for most people, the pain is probably
Speaker 7: a harmless case of eyestrain. You'll be fine because those
Speaker 7: glasses were made from the same high tech, advanced material.
Speaker 3: As the birthday crown they give you at Burger Camp.
Speaker 7: Now, speaking of looming shadows over America, let's move on
Speaker 7: to gun violence. America treats its gun problem the way
Speaker 7: a dog treats a new baby, by hoping that if
Speaker 7: we ignore it, it'll disappear. But at this point, any progress,
Speaker 7: no matter how small, would be better than the status quo.
Speaker 7: And now a legal verdict might have set an important precedent.
Speaker 10: Breaking today for the first time in the United States,
Speaker 10: parents whose son killed four teenagers will themselves spend ten
Speaker 10: to fifteen years in prison.
Speaker 7: The Crumbley's provided unrestricted access to the.
Speaker 4: Gun ignored their son's spirally mental health problems and enabled
Speaker 4: his actions by ignoring all of the warning signs.
Speaker 7: School staff testify the parents were called to the school
Speaker 7: and urged to get Ethan psychological help just hours before
Speaker 7: the shooting, but the Crumble's refuse to take them home.
Speaker 3: That's right.
Speaker 7: For the first time ever, parents are going to be
Speaker 7: liable for their kids' school shooting, which honestly makes sense
Speaker 7: to me. You know, we already blame the parents for
Speaker 7: a lot less. When a teenager throws a loud party,
Speaker 7: we blame the parents, or when a kid has a
Speaker 7: stupid haircut, we blame the parents. We should blame the
Speaker 7: parents when a kid shoots up a school. And why
Speaker 7: stop with the parents. The grandparents raise those parents, so
Speaker 7: throw them in prison too. In fact, go all the
Speaker 7: way up the family tree, you know, great grandparents, great
Speaker 7: great grandparents, exhoom all the bodies and put them in
Speaker 7: a special ghost jail. And yeah, and if you're thinking, wait, wait, wait,
Speaker 7: we have to build ghost prisons now, wouldn't it be
Speaker 7: more reasonable just to regulate guns?
Speaker 3: Yeah? I agree.
Speaker 2: Either way.
Speaker 7: Either way, after hearing what these parents did, I don't
Speaker 7: ever want to hear again that I'm a bad parent
Speaker 7: just for giving my kid an iPad.
Speaker 3: Okay, the worst thing my kid is going.
Speaker 7: To do is go to school and talk in a
Speaker 7: Peppa Pig accent all day. Let's move on to some
Speaker 7: presidential news and are ongoing coverage of Indecision twenty twenty four.
Speaker 3: If you're like.
Speaker 7: Most young Americans, you have thousands of dollars of college
Speaker 7: debt after getting your degree in TikTok gender studies. Thankfully,
Speaker 7: President Joe Biden is here to help.
Speaker 15: President Biden unveiled his latest effort to free up more
Speaker 15: Americans who are bogged down by student debt. The plan,
Speaker 15: announce during a visit to Wisconsin includes debt cancelation for
Speaker 15: those who now owe more than they borrowed because of
Speaker 15: runaway interest.
Speaker 11: You plan to deliver up to eight thousand dollars in
Speaker 11: interest relief to over twenty million barros.
Speaker 3: WHOA, yeah, whoa. That's a nice forgiveness.
Speaker 7: Speaking of interesting that they call this student debt forgiveness,
Speaker 7: as though the student did something wrong.
Speaker 3: We forgive you for being a poor, broke bitch.
Speaker 7: But as long as Brine's paying off student loans, how
Speaker 7: about paying off the other debt college kids in Kerr.
Speaker 7: You know, my buddy Greg never got me back from
Speaker 7: that time I spotted him for the seadew rental in
Speaker 7: Panama City.
Speaker 3: Where's my check, Joe?
Speaker 7: But this is a reminder that college is too expensive tuition,
Speaker 7: room and board, books, a computer to create a social
Speaker 7: network that will one day ruin democracy.
Speaker 3: It adds up. Now. Some critics are saying.
Speaker 7: That this student loan forgiveness is just a cynical bride
Speaker 7: by Joe to give young people what they want so
Speaker 7: they vote for him, And they're right. It's an ancient
Speaker 7: tactic called politics, and Biden better hope it works because
Speaker 7: he really really needs young people.
Speaker 13: In the twenty twenty NBC News exit poll, candidate Biden
Speaker 13: led former President Trump by twenty four percentage points among
Speaker 13: voters under thirty, but an NBC survey in January had
Speaker 13: President Biden up by just eight percentage points among that group.
Speaker 13: Another pole last month showed mister Trump a head by
Speaker 13: eighteen points among voters under thirty. Are you excited to
Speaker 13: vote for President Biden?
Speaker 9: I would personally say no, I'm excited to vote for
Speaker 9: someone that's not Trump, but I wouldn't.
Speaker 3: Say that it is.
Speaker 9: I'm excited for Biden.
Speaker 3: O man, Joe Biden is in trouble.
Speaker 7: The most liberal city in a critical swing state, and
Speaker 7: its college students are on the fence. I'm excited to
Speaker 7: vote for anyone besides Trump.
Speaker 3: How about Joe Biden? No, So the big question is
Speaker 3: will this new plan work?
Speaker 7: To help us answer that question, we go live to
Speaker 7: our own Josh Johnson. Josh, Josh, you've been talking to
Speaker 7: young voters. What do they think of Joe Biden's student
Speaker 7: loan cancelation.
Speaker 3: I'll be blunt, Michael. They think it's bullshit.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 5: Young voters have deep principal problems with the Biden administration.
Speaker 5: He has failed us on climate change, social justice, and immigration,
Speaker 5: and the way he eats ice cream is nasty. These
Speaker 5: are serious failures. They need to be addressed. Young people
Speaker 5: don't want to bribe. They want a leader who will
Speaker 5: secure our future. Biden is not going to paper over
Speaker 5: these foundational shortcomings by promising us twenty thousand dollars.
Speaker 3: Okay, what if you offer twenty five thousand dollars? Yeah,
Speaker 3: we'll take it, Okay, see it?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 11: Yeah, but.
Speaker 3: That was easy. That was too easy, Josh, what about
Speaker 3: twenty one thousand.
Speaker 5: Hell no, you're going to offer money on the matters
Speaker 5: of principle?
Speaker 7: What twenty four thousand? Deal twenty two to fifty twenty three?
Speaker 2: Here we go.
Speaker 5: Joe built back better baby ollow.
Speaker 7: He already has the Mike Josh Johnson everybody.
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Speaker 2: This has been a Comedy Central podcast