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Speaker 1: yours today. You're not being held back from finding real
Speaker 1: love because of who you're going out with. You're being
Speaker 1: held back by people you already went out with. And
Speaker 1: how crazy is it to think that your ex is
Speaker 1: still in control of your life, Your ex is still
Speaker 1: impacting your life. I know none of us want to
Speaker 1: be in that situation.
Speaker 2: The number one health and well inness podcast.
Speaker 1: Jay Setti, Jay Shetty, Everyone, Welcome back to On Purpose.
Speaker 1: My name's Jay Shetty and I'm so grateful to welcome
Speaker 1: you back. This is the place you come to listen,
Speaker 1: learn and grow. Thank you for your commitment, Thank you
Speaker 1: for your time, Thank you for your energy. I appreciate
Speaker 1: it so so deeply. Now, today's episode is all about
Speaker 1: how past relationships shape your dating future. How many of
Speaker 1: you have ever found yourself saying why do I keep
Speaker 1: attracting the same kind of people? Why do I keep
Speaker 1: attracting the same kind of person? Or why am I
Speaker 1: so guarded when things start to go well? Or why
Speaker 1: am I always the one who's chasing someone? If you've
Speaker 1: ever are any of those questions, this episode is for you.
Speaker 1: We're diving deep into the psychology of how your past relationships,
Speaker 1: loves and losses are still influencing who you choose, how
Speaker 1: you love, and what you fear. And most importantly, we're
Speaker 1: talking about how to break the cycle. I think so
Speaker 1: many of us feel like we're always repeating patterns. We
Speaker 1: keep making the same mistakes, we keep bumping into the
Speaker 1: same types of people, and we don't realize what's going on.
Speaker 1: And sometimes we may pause and think, well, maybe something's
Speaker 1: wrong with me, But that doesn't solve the problem either, Right,
Speaker 1: we keep repeating patterns. We keep finding the same people,
Speaker 1: we keep being attracted to the same types of people,
Speaker 1: We keep having our heart broken in the exact same way.
Speaker 1: What is going on. Let's get into it. The first
Speaker 1: thing I want to do is talk to you about
Speaker 1: the truth about your relationship history. Here's a really interesting
Speaker 1: thing to think about. According to the Journal of Social
Speaker 1: and Personal Relationships, people tend to recreate familiar emotional patterns
Speaker 1: in new relationships, even if those patterns were painful. Why
Speaker 1: Because familiar equals safe, even if it's unhealthy. Think about
Speaker 1: that moment. Familiar equals safe, even if it's unhealthy. If
Speaker 1: the mind feels something feels familiar, something feels like home,
Speaker 1: something feels consistent, we see it as safe even though
Speaker 1: it's not healthy. And the fascinating thing about this is
Speaker 1: sometimes it's repeating the patterns of our parents. If your
Speaker 1: home was always a place of anxiety, you now feel
Speaker 1: at home in places of anxiety. If at home you
Speaker 1: had to constantly try to get your parents' attention, you
Speaker 1: now feel it's familiar. In dating when you're trying to
Speaker 1: get someone's attention. If you were always over loved at home,
Speaker 1: you now feel familiar when you're over loved, even if
Speaker 1: that person's love bombing you. It's really fascinating how our
Speaker 1: first loves, our parents are the first people to truly
Speaker 1: love us, the first person we ever dated, the first
Speaker 1: person we had a crush on. All of this becomes
Speaker 1: our relationship history, and whatever that relationship history looks like
Speaker 1: becomes what we yearn for. I describe this in my
Speaker 1: book Eight Rules of Love as the gifts and gaps.
Speaker 1: We try to repeat the gifts that our parents gave us,
Speaker 1: and we try to fill the gaps that our parents
Speaker 1: left By the people we choose. Everything is wired from
Speaker 1: the past, and therefore, if you really want to move forward,
Speaker 1: if you really want to make progress, we have to
Speaker 1: start by looking back. Now. This idea is called repetition compulsion,
Speaker 1: a term coined by Freud. It means we unconsciously repeat
Speaker 1: relationship dynamics from our past, hoping to fix them this
Speaker 1: time round. This is the part that I find so interesting.
Speaker 1: Not only do we pick things that feel familiar, we
Speaker 1: feel this time's the exception. This time we're going to
Speaker 1: solve it. This time we're going to figure it out.
Speaker 1: I'm going to date someone who's emotionally unavailable, but this
Speaker 1: time I'm going to be able to change them. I'm
Speaker 1: going to date someone who's emotionally immature, but this time
Speaker 1: they're going to become more immature. I'm going to date
Speaker 1: someone who disrespects me, but they're going to learn to
Speaker 1: respect me. This is how we unconsciously repeat relationship dynamics
Speaker 1: from our past, hoping to fix them this time round. Oh,
Speaker 1: if your X was emotionally unavailable and you now find
Speaker 1: yourself drawn to someone who gives mixed signals, that's not
Speaker 1: a coincidence. That's your brain saying this feels like home.
Speaker 1: This feels like home. So I want to clarify something here.
Speaker 1: It's not because we enjoy the pain. It's because our
Speaker 1: brain feels safe and is still trying to solve it.
Speaker 1: Maybe if I live it again this time, I can
Speaker 1: get it right and real life. And here are some
Speaker 1: more real life examples. You had an emotionally unavailable parent,
Speaker 1: and now you keep falling for partners who are hot
Speaker 1: and cold, distant, or avoidant. You were constantly criticized growing up,
Speaker 1: and now you seek validation from people who hold back
Speaker 1: their approval. Your first love cheated or betrayed you, and
Speaker 1: now you feel hyper vigilant or drawn to people who
Speaker 1: triggered that insecurity. It's not just bad luck, it's your
Speaker 1: nervous system saying this feels familiar. I know how to
Speaker 1: survive this. This literally is blowing my mind as I'm
Speaker 1: saying it. Think about that for a second. We often say, oh,
Speaker 1: it's just bad luck. I just have bad luck in dating.
Speaker 1: It just keeps going wrong for me. And what ends
Speaker 1: up happening is not only are we stuck in a cycle,
Speaker 1: we now start saying harsh, critical things to ourselves. But
Speaker 1: the reality is, it's not just bad luck. It's your
Speaker 1: nervous system saying this feels familiar. I know how to
Speaker 1: survive this. We keep moving in the direction of things
Speaker 1: we think we can survive, rather than the discomfort of
Speaker 1: something we're not used to, even if it's better for us.
Speaker 1: It's almost like saying, when you're trying to change what
Speaker 1: you're eating or you're trying to go to the gym,
Speaker 1: we all know going to the gym is better for us,
Speaker 1: but it's uncomfortable to choose it. We'd rather stay in
Speaker 1: bed because it feels safe, even though it's not healthy.
Speaker 1: Your brain does this because it's wired to seek what's familiar.
Speaker 1: Unresolved trauma doesn't just sit quietly in your memory. It
Speaker 1: repeats itself in your choices, relationships, and emotional reactions. Repetition
Speaker 1: compulsion is your subconscious trying to rewrite the story to
Speaker 1: finally win the love, approval, or safety you didn't get
Speaker 1: the first time. But here's the twist. You can't heal
Speaker 1: by reliving the wound. You heal by choosing differently. The
Speaker 1: moment you recognize your patterns, you interrupt the cycle. It
Speaker 1: might look like, Wow, I'm actually not in love. I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to earn the love I never got. You
Speaker 1: might hear it as this isn't chemistry. This is a
Speaker 1: wound dressed up as a t This person reminds me
Speaker 1: of someone who hurt me, not someone who can love me.
Speaker 1: That awareness is where the healing begins, right That's where
Speaker 1: it really begins. I hope this is hitting you as
Speaker 1: hard as it hitting for me. Right now, and get this.
Speaker 1: A University of Demo study found that emotional baggage from
Speaker 1: previous relationships is one of the top predictors of dissatisfaction
Speaker 1: in new ones. So yeah, your past is in the room,
Speaker 1: even when your ex isn't. So what do we do
Speaker 1: about this? So the five signs your past relationship might
Speaker 1: still be in the driving seat. Number one, you're hyper
Speaker 1: independent or emotionally walled off. Now, independence is great. It's
Speaker 1: when we're emotionally walled off that our independence is no
Speaker 1: longer independence. It's actually isolation. Right. It's not that you
Speaker 1: feel comfortable on your own, it's that you only feel
Speaker 1: good on your own. Right. There's a difference between liking
Speaker 1: your company and enjoying your company and only wanting to
Speaker 1: be alone because you're scared of connection. The second sign
Speaker 1: that your past relationship might still be holding the wheel
Speaker 1: is you panic when someone gets too close or too distant.
Speaker 1: Have you noticed tell When someone gets close, we start
Speaker 1: to go, oh, yeah, I'm not sure this is working out.
Speaker 1: I'm not really sure about this. Oh maybe they weren't right.
Speaker 1: You now start to see all the red flags. All
Speaker 1: of a sudden, you're convinced that this person's not great
Speaker 1: for you. We also get panicky when someone gets too distant.
Speaker 1: If someone says, hey, I'm going away for the week,
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, we're wondering why they haven't messaged us.
Speaker 1: Immediately right. If someone says, hey, I'm going away for
Speaker 1: three days, we're like, oh, do you have to go? Right?
Speaker 1: And that's just triggering something from the past. You may
Speaker 1: not even like this person and that much. You may
Speaker 1: not even have that depth of connection with them, and
Speaker 1: they may be thinking, wait a minute, why are you
Speaker 1: going to miss me so much? We've only been dating
Speaker 1: for a month, and all of a sudden you start
Speaker 1: to recognize and I'm sure you can see how it
Speaker 1: all comes from previous abandonment, previous isolation, previous disconnection. Number three,
Speaker 1: We've talked about this. You're drawn to the same kind
Speaker 1: of emotionally unavailable partners. Number four, you sabotage healthy connections
Speaker 1: because they feel too easy. This is what self sabotage
Speaker 1: really is. Self sabotage is you ending something before someone
Speaker 1: else ends it. You'd rather be the one to claim
Speaker 1: the failure than live with someone else rejecting you. You'd
Speaker 1: rather be the one to say, hey, this is too simple,
Speaker 1: it's too easy. There must be something wrong with it.
Speaker 1: This is too good to be true. And number five,
Speaker 1: you confuse intensity with intimacy. So many of us things
Speaker 1: if things are intense up and down drama. You know
Speaker 1: all of the chaos, that that's intimacy, that that means
Speaker 1: that we're in love, that means that we have connection.
Speaker 1: But the truth is just that's just the connection you
Speaker 1: saw being mirrored for such a long time. This is
Speaker 1: why it's so important for us to understand the attachment styles.
Speaker 1: First of all, I want to introduce you to the
Speaker 1: idea or reintroduce you to the idea of attachment styles.
Speaker 1: Something you may or may not have come across. An
Speaker 1: attachment style is basically your relationship blueprint. It's how you connect,
Speaker 1: how you handle closeness, and how you react to emotional
Speaker 1: stress in love. I always say to people you will
Speaker 1: know the strength of a relationship not by how you
Speaker 1: deal with the good times, but how you deal with
Speaker 1: the stressful times. How your partner or potential partner deals
Speaker 1: with a fight, disagreement, or argument is more telling than
Speaker 1: how they deal with a date or an anniversary. How
Speaker 1: they deal with things going wrong is more important than
Speaker 1: how they deal with everything going right. It's one of
Speaker 1: the reasons why we all go through the honeymoon phase.
Speaker 1: And so how you react to emotional stress in love
Speaker 1: is so important and it's usually shaped by childhood based
Speaker 1: on how safe or secure your early relationships work. So
Speaker 1: there are three main types of attachment style. But this
Speaker 1: is so important because it basically shows how you latch
Speaker 1: onto people, how you connect with people, how you feel
Speaker 1: when they're not giving you attention, not giving you presents,
Speaker 1: when you're not feeling any affection, and you can clearly
Speaker 1: spot how you make those mistakes and how you don't
Speaker 1: want to make them again. That's my goal with this episode.
Speaker 1: My genuine goal with this episode is I don't want
Speaker 1: you to keep making the same mistakes. I don't want
Speaker 1: you to keep dating the same person just with a
Speaker 1: different name and a different face and a different hairstyle.
Speaker 1: I want you to outgrow your trauma. I want you
Speaker 1: to outgrow your weaker attachment styles. I want you to
Speaker 1: outgrow the effects of your previous relationships that are holding
Speaker 1: you back from finding real love. You're not being held
Speaker 1: back from finding real love because of who you're going
Speaker 1: out with. You're being held back by people you already
Speaker 1: went out with. And how crazy is it to think
Speaker 1: that your ex is still in control of your life,
Speaker 1: your ex is still impacting your life. I know none
Speaker 1: of us want to be in that situation, I couldn't
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Speaker 1: sure you use the code on purpose. So the first
Speaker 1: attachment style is secure attachment. You're comfortable with closeness and independence.
Speaker 1: You communicate well, trust easily, and bounce back from conflict.
Speaker 1: Love feels safe, not scary. You might be secure if
Speaker 1: you don't play games, don't fear being abandoned, and you're
Speaker 1: okay being alone or in love now. This, of course
Speaker 1: is rare, challenging, but we all want to be there.
Speaker 1: Second is anxious attachment, something a lot of us experience.
Speaker 1: You crave closeness, but often fear it's going to be
Speaker 1: taken away. So you want to be close, you actually
Speaker 1: want to be connected, but there's always this insecurity, this
Speaker 1: hidden fear, this feeling that's niggling away at you, making
Speaker 1: you feel like it's going to be taken away. At
Speaker 1: any moment. It could all be taken away. You might
Speaker 1: overthink texts, read between the lines, or need lots of reassurance.
Speaker 1: How many times have you met someone who keeps checking
Speaker 1: in with you to say, Hey, does everything feel good? Hey?
Speaker 1: Does this make sense? Hey? Is this okay? Hey? Are
Speaker 1: we on the right path? And you might be wondering
Speaker 1: what is going on here? I just told them I
Speaker 1: love them. I just told them that I was okay.
Speaker 1: Or maybe you've seen in yourself, maybe you were that
Speaker 1: person who keeps wanting to be reassured that you're doing
Speaker 1: the right thing, you're doing a good job, that they're happy,
Speaker 1: and you keep checking out You're happy, is everything okay?
Speaker 1: And they're like, wait a minute, I just literally took
Speaker 1: a breath, like what changed? Right? And this is something
Speaker 1: we can all relate to. We overthink texts. We make
Speaker 1: things mean what they don't mean right. Don't give meaning
Speaker 1: to something that doesn't have a meaning. Don't make up
Speaker 1: a story about something that is just information. We're really
Speaker 1: good at taking information and turning it into a story.
Speaker 1: Don't take a fact and turn it into a feeling.
Speaker 1: The fact is they haven't messaged back for thirty minutes. Now,
Speaker 1: your feeling is saying they didn't message me back because
Speaker 1: they didn't like my message. I must have said something wrong.
Speaker 1: I must have come on too strong. I might be
Speaker 1: pushing them away. Oh my gosh, I did this before.
Speaker 1: You're now attaching a feeling to a fact. The fact
Speaker 1: is just they haven't messaged back for thirty minutes. There's
Speaker 1: no reason, there's no information, there's no data, there's no insight.
Speaker 1: But you're now creating a story around that event. Don't
Speaker 1: make every event into a story. Don't make every retext
Speaker 1: into a story. Don't make every fact become a feeling
Speaker 1: without knowing what it is. You might have an anxious
Speaker 1: attachment if you feel like you're always too much or
Speaker 1: always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Those are
Speaker 1: two good signs that you know you have an anxious
Speaker 1: attachment style. And by the way, none of these make
Speaker 1: you weak. None of these make you wrong, none of
Speaker 1: these make you bad. We all have one of these,
Speaker 1: but we can all try to work towards having more
Speaker 1: secure attachment. That's the goal, that's what we want to do.
Speaker 1: We want to work towards having more secure attachment and
Speaker 1: move away from anxious attachment. Now, the third one is
Speaker 1: the avoidant attachment. You value independence a lot, sometimes too much.
Speaker 1: You might push people away, get overwhelmed by emotional needs
Speaker 1: or shut down when things get real. Now, you might
Speaker 1: be avoidant if you've said things like I'm just not
Speaker 1: good at relationships or I don't want to rely on anyone.
Speaker 1: I actually got like this when I left the monastery.
Speaker 1: There was a big part of me that felt I
Speaker 1: don't need a relationship to be happy. I'm happy by myself.
Speaker 1: And I'd say things like that, and I realize it
Speaker 1: was really just me having developed an avoidant attachment, and
Speaker 1: that wasn't healthy either, because you can lose out on
Speaker 1: something that's beautiful for you, you can push someone away
Speaker 1: who wants to be close. And what's really interesting here
Speaker 1: is what ends up happening is that anxious attachment people
Speaker 1: end up meeting avoidant attachment people. Now, if you've got
Speaker 1: an anxious attachment with an avoidant attachment, that can be
Speaker 1: a recipe for disaster, because the anxious person's constantly checking
Speaker 1: in saying, hey, it's everything, okay, are you happy? Are
Speaker 1: we going in the right direction? And the avoidant person's like,
Speaker 1: you're getting too close, you're too much, you're being too clingy. Right,
Speaker 1: You can notice and you can probably relate to how
Speaker 1: that's happened in your life, which is why there's an
Speaker 1: even greater need for us all to move into secure now.
Speaker 1: If a secure person is with someone with an anxious attachment,
Speaker 1: they can remind them, they can be reassuring, They can
Speaker 1: help them feel safe if the anxious person is aware
Speaker 1: and wants to upgrade and move forward. If a secure
Speaker 1: attachment is with an avoidant, they can potentially get that
Speaker 1: person to be more open, to be more communicative if
Speaker 1: the avoidant person is aware of their attachment style. We
Speaker 1: have to pay attention to our patterns, not just our
Speaker 1: past partner's patterns. Your attachment style isn't about them, It's
Speaker 1: about your emotional reflexes. Yes, you can change your attachment style.
Speaker 1: It's called earned security, and it happens when you rewire
Speaker 1: old patterns through small, consistent shifts in how you relate
Speaker 1: to yourself and others. The best thing you can do
Speaker 1: is moved towards secure attachment. Because you can't control whether
Speaker 1: someone is anxious or avoidant, but you can be secure,
Speaker 1: and when you're secure, you will be able to see.
Speaker 1: You'll actually be able to be better able to tell
Speaker 1: whether someone else is secure because you know what that
Speaker 1: looks like. You know what it sounds like, you know
Speaker 1: what it feels like. So when you meet someone who's
Speaker 1: loving all up on you and wanting your attention in
Speaker 1: the beginning, you realize this person might have an anxious attachment.
Speaker 1: You now know what that means. At the same time,
Speaker 1: if you meet someone who isn't available for you, you know
Speaker 1: that that's avoidant because you're secure, and you realize, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to chase this person. I want someone
Speaker 1: who tells me where we stand. I want someone who
Speaker 1: is who they say they are. Right. So let's talk
Speaker 1: about the path to earned security. Number one. Notice the pattern,
Speaker 1: name the feeling. Why does it matter? You can't change
Speaker 1: what you don't see, So what do you do? Start
Speaker 1: observing your reflexes in love without judgment. I don't want
Speaker 1: you to get critical or harsh with yourself. I just
Speaker 1: want you to be aware of where you stand. For example,
Speaker 1: when someone doesn't text back, do I change fact into feeling?
Speaker 1: When things get emotionally close, what do you usually do?
Speaker 1: Naming your pattern puts space between you and the automatic reaction.
Speaker 1: That's where change begins. You start becoming. You don't say
Speaker 1: I'm avoidant, you say I have an avoidant pattern. You
Speaker 1: don't say I am anxious, you say I have an
Speaker 1: anxious pattern. Step number two is regulate before you react.
Speaker 1: Anxious and avoidant behaviors are often nervous system responses, not
Speaker 1: conscious choices. The next time you're triggered, I want you
Speaker 1: to remind yourself this is because I have been triggered
Speaker 1: by a past mad This is not about the current moment.
Speaker 1: It's about the past. Let me be really conscious about
Speaker 1: that before I react. Number three is start feeling safe
Speaker 1: with safe people. You don't heal in isolation, You heal
Speaker 1: in better relationships. This applies to your friends, your parents,
Speaker 1: your colleagues, your family members trying to heal through having
Speaker 1: healthier relationships. Your romantic life will heal when your relationships heal.
Speaker 1: So what do you do? Seek out emotionally available, consistent people.
Speaker 1: It might feel boring at first because it's safe, but
Speaker 1: text or hang out with someone who always shows up.
Speaker 1: Spend less energy chasing and more energy receiving. Let calm
Speaker 1: connection become your new normal. This is step four. Practice
Speaker 1: secure behaviors even if you don't feel them yet. Right
Speaker 1: you might be thinking, JET don't feel SA, why am
Speaker 1: I practicing it well, because if you practice it, you'll
Speaker 1: actually get used to it. We're trying to get you
Speaker 1: to rewire your brain. Behavior rewires belief. Say that again,
Speaker 1: behavior rewires belief. Start acting like a securely attached person would.
Speaker 1: For example, communicate directly, Hey, I felt a little off
Speaker 1: after our convo. Can we talk? Set boundaries without apology?
Speaker 1: Give people a chance to show you there safe before
Speaker 1: deciding they're not. You don't have to feel one hundred
Speaker 1: percent secure to act one percent more secure. Right, let
Speaker 1: me say that again. You don't have to feel one
Speaker 1: hundred percent secure to act one percent more secure. And
Speaker 1: the fifth and final step is reparent yourself. A lot
Speaker 1: of insecure attachment comes from unmet needs in childhood. Meet
Speaker 1: those needs for yourself. When you feel un loved or anxious,
Speaker 1: say it's okay, I've got me. If you wanted validation
Speaker 1: from someone else, give it to yourself. If you wanted
Speaker 1: care from someone else, give it to yourself. If you
Speaker 1: wanted gifts from someone else, give it to yourself. If
Speaker 1: you wanted a big birthday from someone else, give it
Speaker 1: to yourself. That becomes your anchor. That's how you build
Speaker 1: internal safety. I want you to remember this. You're not broken,
Speaker 1: You're just patterned, and patterns can change one pause, one choice,
Speaker 1: one safe connection at a time. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: for listening to today. I hope you'll share this episode
Speaker 1: with someone else who's struggling, maybe someone who's single right now,
Speaker 1: someone who's recently broken up. This episode could save you
Speaker 1: months of your life, maybe even years. Thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Remember I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my
Speaker 1: conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens up on how
Speaker 1: to stay with your partner when they're changing, and the
Speaker 1: four check ins you should be doing in your relationship.
Speaker 1: We also talk about how to deal with relationships when
Speaker 1: they're undistressed. If you're going through something right now with
Speaker 1: your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode
Speaker 1: for you.
Speaker 2: No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new
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