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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can

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Speaker 1: experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city

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Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It

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Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO

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Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,

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Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences

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Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a

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Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.

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Speaker 1: Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward Slash Tour and get

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Speaker 1: yours today. You're not being held back from finding real

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Speaker 1: love because of who you're going out with. You're being

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Speaker 1: held back by people you already went out with. And

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Speaker 1: how crazy is it to think that your ex is

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Speaker 1: still in control of your life, Your ex is still

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Speaker 1: impacting your life. I know none of us want to

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Speaker 1: be in that situation.

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Speaker 2: The number one health and well inness podcast.

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Speaker 1: Jay Setti, Jay Shetty, Everyone, Welcome back to On Purpose.

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Speaker 1: My name's Jay Shetty and I'm so grateful to welcome

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Speaker 1: you back. This is the place you come to listen,

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Speaker 1: learn and grow. Thank you for your commitment, Thank you

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Speaker 1: for your time, Thank you for your energy. I appreciate

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Speaker 1: it so so deeply. Now, today's episode is all about

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Speaker 1: how past relationships shape your dating future. How many of

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Speaker 1: you have ever found yourself saying why do I keep

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Speaker 1: attracting the same kind of people? Why do I keep

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Speaker 1: attracting the same kind of person? Or why am I

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Speaker 1: so guarded when things start to go well? Or why

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Speaker 1: am I always the one who's chasing someone? If you've

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Speaker 1: ever are any of those questions, this episode is for you.

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Speaker 1: We're diving deep into the psychology of how your past relationships,

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Speaker 1: loves and losses are still influencing who you choose, how

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Speaker 1: you love, and what you fear. And most importantly, we're

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Speaker 1: talking about how to break the cycle. I think so

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Speaker 1: many of us feel like we're always repeating patterns. We

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Speaker 1: keep making the same mistakes, we keep bumping into the

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Speaker 1: same types of people, and we don't realize what's going on.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes we may pause and think, well, maybe something's

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Speaker 1: wrong with me, But that doesn't solve the problem either, Right,

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Speaker 1: we keep repeating patterns. We keep finding the same people,

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Speaker 1: we keep being attracted to the same types of people,

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Speaker 1: We keep having our heart broken in the exact same way.

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Speaker 1: What is going on. Let's get into it. The first

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Speaker 1: thing I want to do is talk to you about

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Speaker 1: the truth about your relationship history. Here's a really interesting

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Speaker 1: thing to think about. According to the Journal of Social

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Speaker 1: and Personal Relationships, people tend to recreate familiar emotional patterns

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Speaker 1: in new relationships, even if those patterns were painful. Why

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Speaker 1: Because familiar equals safe, even if it's unhealthy. Think about

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Speaker 1: that moment. Familiar equals safe, even if it's unhealthy. If

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Speaker 1: the mind feels something feels familiar, something feels like home,

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Speaker 1: something feels consistent, we see it as safe even though

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Speaker 1: it's not healthy. And the fascinating thing about this is

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Speaker 1: sometimes it's repeating the patterns of our parents. If your

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Speaker 1: home was always a place of anxiety, you now feel

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Speaker 1: at home in places of anxiety. If at home you

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Speaker 1: had to constantly try to get your parents' attention, you

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Speaker 1: now feel it's familiar. In dating when you're trying to

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Speaker 1: get someone's attention. If you were always over loved at home,

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Speaker 1: you now feel familiar when you're over loved, even if

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Speaker 1: that person's love bombing you. It's really fascinating how our

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Speaker 1: first loves, our parents are the first people to truly

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Speaker 1: love us, the first person we ever dated, the first

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Speaker 1: person we had a crush on. All of this becomes

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Speaker 1: our relationship history, and whatever that relationship history looks like

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Speaker 1: becomes what we yearn for. I describe this in my

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Speaker 1: book Eight Rules of Love as the gifts and gaps.

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Speaker 1: We try to repeat the gifts that our parents gave us,

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Speaker 1: and we try to fill the gaps that our parents

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Speaker 1: left By the people we choose. Everything is wired from

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Speaker 1: the past, and therefore, if you really want to move forward,

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Speaker 1: if you really want to make progress, we have to

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Speaker 1: start by looking back. Now. This idea is called repetition compulsion,

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Speaker 1: a term coined by Freud. It means we unconsciously repeat

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Speaker 1: relationship dynamics from our past, hoping to fix them this

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Speaker 1: time round. This is the part that I find so interesting.

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Speaker 1: Not only do we pick things that feel familiar, we

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Speaker 1: feel this time's the exception. This time we're going to

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Speaker 1: solve it. This time we're going to figure it out.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to date someone who's emotionally unavailable, but this

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Speaker 1: time I'm going to be able to change them. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to date someone who's emotionally immature, but this time

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Speaker 1: they're going to become more immature. I'm going to date

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Speaker 1: someone who disrespects me, but they're going to learn to

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Speaker 1: respect me. This is how we unconsciously repeat relationship dynamics

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Speaker 1: from our past, hoping to fix them this time round. Oh,

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Speaker 1: if your X was emotionally unavailable and you now find

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Speaker 1: yourself drawn to someone who gives mixed signals, that's not

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Speaker 1: a coincidence. That's your brain saying this feels like home.

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Speaker 1: This feels like home. So I want to clarify something here.

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Speaker 1: It's not because we enjoy the pain. It's because our

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Speaker 1: brain feels safe and is still trying to solve it.

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Speaker 1: Maybe if I live it again this time, I can

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Speaker 1: get it right and real life. And here are some

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Speaker 1: more real life examples. You had an emotionally unavailable parent,

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Speaker 1: and now you keep falling for partners who are hot

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Speaker 1: and cold, distant, or avoidant. You were constantly criticized growing up,

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Speaker 1: and now you seek validation from people who hold back

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Speaker 1: their approval. Your first love cheated or betrayed you, and

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Speaker 1: now you feel hyper vigilant or drawn to people who

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Speaker 1: triggered that insecurity. It's not just bad luck, it's your

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Speaker 1: nervous system saying this feels familiar. I know how to

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Speaker 1: survive this. This literally is blowing my mind as I'm

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Speaker 1: saying it. Think about that for a second. We often say, oh,

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Speaker 1: it's just bad luck. I just have bad luck in dating.

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Speaker 1: It just keeps going wrong for me. And what ends

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Speaker 1: up happening is not only are we stuck in a cycle,

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Speaker 1: we now start saying harsh, critical things to ourselves. But

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Speaker 1: the reality is, it's not just bad luck. It's your

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Speaker 1: nervous system saying this feels familiar. I know how to

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Speaker 1: survive this. We keep moving in the direction of things

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Speaker 1: we think we can survive, rather than the discomfort of

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Speaker 1: something we're not used to, even if it's better for us.

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Speaker 1: It's almost like saying, when you're trying to change what

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Speaker 1: you're eating or you're trying to go to the gym,

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Speaker 1: we all know going to the gym is better for us,

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Speaker 1: but it's uncomfortable to choose it. We'd rather stay in

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Speaker 1: bed because it feels safe, even though it's not healthy.

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Speaker 1: Your brain does this because it's wired to seek what's familiar.

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Speaker 1: Unresolved trauma doesn't just sit quietly in your memory. It

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Speaker 1: repeats itself in your choices, relationships, and emotional reactions. Repetition

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Speaker 1: compulsion is your subconscious trying to rewrite the story to

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Speaker 1: finally win the love, approval, or safety you didn't get

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Speaker 1: the first time. But here's the twist. You can't heal

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Speaker 1: by reliving the wound. You heal by choosing differently. The

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Speaker 1: moment you recognize your patterns, you interrupt the cycle. It

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Speaker 1: might look like, Wow, I'm actually not in love. I'm

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Speaker 1: just trying to earn the love I never got. You

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Speaker 1: might hear it as this isn't chemistry. This is a

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Speaker 1: wound dressed up as a t This person reminds me

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Speaker 1: of someone who hurt me, not someone who can love me.

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Speaker 1: That awareness is where the healing begins, right That's where

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Speaker 1: it really begins. I hope this is hitting you as

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Speaker 1: hard as it hitting for me. Right now, and get this.

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Speaker 1: A University of Demo study found that emotional baggage from

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Speaker 1: previous relationships is one of the top predictors of dissatisfaction

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Speaker 1: in new ones. So yeah, your past is in the room,

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Speaker 1: even when your ex isn't. So what do we do

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Speaker 1: about this? So the five signs your past relationship might

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Speaker 1: still be in the driving seat. Number one, you're hyper

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Speaker 1: independent or emotionally walled off. Now, independence is great. It's

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Speaker 1: when we're emotionally walled off that our independence is no

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Speaker 1: longer independence. It's actually isolation. Right. It's not that you

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Speaker 1: feel comfortable on your own, it's that you only feel

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Speaker 1: good on your own. Right. There's a difference between liking

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Speaker 1: your company and enjoying your company and only wanting to

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Speaker 1: be alone because you're scared of connection. The second sign

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Speaker 1: that your past relationship might still be holding the wheel

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Speaker 1: is you panic when someone gets too close or too distant.

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Speaker 1: Have you noticed tell When someone gets close, we start

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Speaker 1: to go, oh, yeah, I'm not sure this is working out.

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Speaker 1: I'm not really sure about this. Oh maybe they weren't right.

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Speaker 1: You now start to see all the red flags. All

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Speaker 1: of a sudden, you're convinced that this person's not great

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Speaker 1: for you. We also get panicky when someone gets too distant.

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Speaker 1: If someone says, hey, I'm going away for the week,

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden, we're wondering why they haven't messaged us.

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Speaker 1: Immediately right. If someone says, hey, I'm going away for

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Speaker 1: three days, we're like, oh, do you have to go? Right?

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Speaker 1: And that's just triggering something from the past. You may

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Speaker 1: not even like this person and that much. You may

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Speaker 1: not even have that depth of connection with them, and

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Speaker 1: they may be thinking, wait a minute, why are you

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Speaker 1: going to miss me so much? We've only been dating

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Speaker 1: for a month, and all of a sudden you start

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Speaker 1: to recognize and I'm sure you can see how it

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Speaker 1: all comes from previous abandonment, previous isolation, previous disconnection. Number three,

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Speaker 1: We've talked about this. You're drawn to the same kind

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Speaker 1: of emotionally unavailable partners. Number four, you sabotage healthy connections

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Speaker 1: because they feel too easy. This is what self sabotage

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Speaker 1: really is. Self sabotage is you ending something before someone

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Speaker 1: else ends it. You'd rather be the one to claim

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Speaker 1: the failure than live with someone else rejecting you. You'd

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Speaker 1: rather be the one to say, hey, this is too simple,

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Speaker 1: it's too easy. There must be something wrong with it.

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Speaker 1: This is too good to be true. And number five,

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Speaker 1: you confuse intensity with intimacy. So many of us things

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Speaker 1: if things are intense up and down drama. You know

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Speaker 1: all of the chaos, that that's intimacy, that that means

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Speaker 1: that we're in love, that means that we have connection.

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Speaker 1: But the truth is just that's just the connection you

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Speaker 1: saw being mirrored for such a long time. This is

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Speaker 1: why it's so important for us to understand the attachment styles.

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Speaker 1: First of all, I want to introduce you to the

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Speaker 1: idea or reintroduce you to the idea of attachment styles.

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Speaker 1: Something you may or may not have come across. An

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Speaker 1: attachment style is basically your relationship blueprint. It's how you connect,

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Speaker 1: how you handle closeness, and how you react to emotional

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Speaker 1: stress in love. I always say to people you will

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Speaker 1: know the strength of a relationship not by how you

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Speaker 1: deal with the good times, but how you deal with

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Speaker 1: the stressful times. How your partner or potential partner deals

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Speaker 1: with a fight, disagreement, or argument is more telling than

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Speaker 1: how they deal with a date or an anniversary. How

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Speaker 1: they deal with things going wrong is more important than

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Speaker 1: how they deal with everything going right. It's one of

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Speaker 1: the reasons why we all go through the honeymoon phase.

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Speaker 1: And so how you react to emotional stress in love

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Speaker 1: is so important and it's usually shaped by childhood based

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Speaker 1: on how safe or secure your early relationships work. So

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Speaker 1: there are three main types of attachment style. But this

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Speaker 1: is so important because it basically shows how you latch

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Speaker 1: onto people, how you connect with people, how you feel

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Speaker 1: when they're not giving you attention, not giving you presents,

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Speaker 1: when you're not feeling any affection, and you can clearly

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Speaker 1: spot how you make those mistakes and how you don't

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Speaker 1: want to make them again. That's my goal with this episode.

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Speaker 1: My genuine goal with this episode is I don't want

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Speaker 1: you to keep making the same mistakes. I don't want

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Speaker 1: you to keep dating the same person just with a

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Speaker 1: different name and a different face and a different hairstyle.

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Speaker 1: I want you to outgrow your trauma. I want you

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Speaker 1: to outgrow your weaker attachment styles. I want you to

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Speaker 1: outgrow the effects of your previous relationships that are holding

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Speaker 1: you back from finding real love. You're not being held

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Speaker 1: out with. You're being held back by people you already

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Speaker 1: your ex is still impacting your life. I know none

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Speaker 1: your first order. That's drink Jauni dot com and make

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Speaker 1: sure you use the code on purpose. So the first

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Speaker 1: attachment style is secure attachment. You're comfortable with closeness and independence.

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Speaker 1: You communicate well, trust easily, and bounce back from conflict.

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Speaker 1: Love feels safe, not scary. You might be secure if

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Speaker 1: you don't play games, don't fear being abandoned, and you're

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Speaker 1: okay being alone or in love now. This, of course

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Speaker 1: is rare, challenging, but we all want to be there.

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Speaker 1: Second is anxious attachment, something a lot of us experience.

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Speaker 1: You crave closeness, but often fear it's going to be

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Speaker 1: taken away. So you want to be close, you actually

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Speaker 1: want to be connected, but there's always this insecurity, this

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Speaker 1: hidden fear, this feeling that's niggling away at you, making

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Speaker 1: you feel like it's going to be taken away. At

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Speaker 1: any moment. It could all be taken away. You might

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Speaker 1: overthink texts, read between the lines, or need lots of reassurance.

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Speaker 1: How many times have you met someone who keeps checking

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Speaker 1: in with you to say, Hey, does everything feel good? Hey?

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Speaker 1: Does this make sense? Hey? Is this okay? Hey? Are

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Speaker 1: we on the right path? And you might be wondering

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Speaker 1: what is going on here? I just told them I

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Speaker 1: love them. I just told them that I was okay.

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Speaker 1: Or maybe you've seen in yourself, maybe you were that

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Speaker 1: person who keeps wanting to be reassured that you're doing

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Speaker 1: the right thing, you're doing a good job, that they're happy,

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Speaker 1: and you keep checking out You're happy, is everything okay?

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Speaker 1: And they're like, wait a minute, I just literally took

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Speaker 1: a breath, like what changed? Right? And this is something

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Speaker 1: we can all relate to. We overthink texts. We make

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Speaker 1: things mean what they don't mean right. Don't give meaning

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Speaker 1: to something that doesn't have a meaning. Don't make up

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Speaker 1: a story about something that is just information. We're really

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Speaker 1: good at taking information and turning it into a story.

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Speaker 1: Don't take a fact and turn it into a feeling.

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Speaker 1: The fact is they haven't messaged back for thirty minutes. Now,

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Speaker 1: your feeling is saying they didn't message me back because

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Speaker 1: they didn't like my message. I must have said something wrong.

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Speaker 1: I must have come on too strong. I might be

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Speaker 1: pushing them away. Oh my gosh, I did this before.

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Speaker 1: You're now attaching a feeling to a fact. The fact

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Speaker 1: is just they haven't messaged back for thirty minutes. There's

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Speaker 1: no reason, there's no information, there's no data, there's no insight.

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Speaker 1: But you're now creating a story around that event. Don't

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Speaker 1: make every event into a story. Don't make every retext

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Speaker 1: into a story. Don't make every fact become a feeling

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Speaker 1: without knowing what it is. You might have an anxious

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Speaker 1: attachment if you feel like you're always too much or

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Speaker 1: always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Those are

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Speaker 1: two good signs that you know you have an anxious

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Speaker 1: attachment style. And by the way, none of these make

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Speaker 1: you weak. None of these make you wrong, none of

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Speaker 1: these make you bad. We all have one of these,

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Speaker 1: but we can all try to work towards having more

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Speaker 1: secure attachment. That's the goal, that's what we want to do.

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Speaker 1: We want to work towards having more secure attachment and

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Speaker 1: move away from anxious attachment. Now, the third one is

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Speaker 1: the avoidant attachment. You value independence a lot, sometimes too much.

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Speaker 1: You might push people away, get overwhelmed by emotional needs

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Speaker 1: or shut down when things get real. Now, you might

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Speaker 1: be avoidant if you've said things like I'm just not

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Speaker 1: good at relationships or I don't want to rely on anyone.

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Speaker 1: I actually got like this when I left the monastery.

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Speaker 1: There was a big part of me that felt I

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Speaker 1: don't need a relationship to be happy. I'm happy by myself.

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Speaker 1: And I'd say things like that, and I realize it

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Speaker 1: was really just me having developed an avoidant attachment, and

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Speaker 1: that wasn't healthy either, because you can lose out on

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Speaker 1: something that's beautiful for you, you can push someone away

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Speaker 1: who wants to be close. And what's really interesting here

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Speaker 1: is what ends up happening is that anxious attachment people

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Speaker 1: end up meeting avoidant attachment people. Now, if you've got

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Speaker 1: an anxious attachment with an avoidant attachment, that can be

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Speaker 1: a recipe for disaster, because the anxious person's constantly checking

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Speaker 1: in saying, hey, it's everything, okay, are you happy? Are

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Speaker 1: we going in the right direction? And the avoidant person's like,

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Speaker 1: you're getting too close, you're too much, you're being too clingy. Right,

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Speaker 1: You can notice and you can probably relate to how

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Speaker 1: that's happened in your life, which is why there's an

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Speaker 1: even greater need for us all to move into secure now.

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Speaker 1: If a secure person is with someone with an anxious attachment,

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Speaker 1: they can remind them, they can be reassuring, They can

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Speaker 1: help them feel safe if the anxious person is aware

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Speaker 1: and wants to upgrade and move forward. If a secure

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Speaker 1: attachment is with an avoidant, they can potentially get that

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Speaker 1: person to be more open, to be more communicative if

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Speaker 1: the avoidant person is aware of their attachment style. We

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Speaker 1: have to pay attention to our patterns, not just our

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Speaker 1: past partner's patterns. Your attachment style isn't about them, It's

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Speaker 1: about your emotional reflexes. Yes, you can change your attachment style.

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Speaker 1: It's called earned security, and it happens when you rewire

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Speaker 1: old patterns through small, consistent shifts in how you relate

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Speaker 1: to yourself and others. The best thing you can do

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Speaker 1: is moved towards secure attachment. Because you can't control whether

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Speaker 1: someone is anxious or avoidant, but you can be secure,

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Speaker 1: and when you're secure, you will be able to see.

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Speaker 1: You'll actually be able to be better able to tell

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Speaker 1: whether someone else is secure because you know what that

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Speaker 1: looks like. You know what it sounds like, you know

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Speaker 1: what it feels like. So when you meet someone who's

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Speaker 1: loving all up on you and wanting your attention in

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Speaker 1: the beginning, you realize this person might have an anxious attachment.

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Speaker 1: You now know what that means. At the same time,

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Speaker 1: if you meet someone who isn't available for you, you know

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Speaker 1: that that's avoidant because you're secure, and you realize, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to chase this person. I want someone

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Speaker 1: who tells me where we stand. I want someone who

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Speaker 1: is who they say they are. Right. So let's talk

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Speaker 1: about the path to earned security. Number one. Notice the pattern,

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Speaker 1: name the feeling. Why does it matter? You can't change

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Speaker 1: what you don't see, So what do you do? Start

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Speaker 1: observing your reflexes in love without judgment. I don't want

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Speaker 1: you to get critical or harsh with yourself. I just

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Speaker 1: want you to be aware of where you stand. For example,

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Speaker 1: when someone doesn't text back, do I change fact into feeling?

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Speaker 1: When things get emotionally close, what do you usually do?

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Speaker 1: Naming your pattern puts space between you and the automatic reaction.

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Speaker 1: That's where change begins. You start becoming. You don't say

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Speaker 1: I'm avoidant, you say I have an avoidant pattern. You

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Speaker 1: don't say I am anxious, you say I have an

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Speaker 1: anxious pattern. Step number two is regulate before you react.

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Speaker 1: Anxious and avoidant behaviors are often nervous system responses, not

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Speaker 1: conscious choices. The next time you're triggered, I want you

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Speaker 1: to remind yourself this is because I have been triggered

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Speaker 1: by a past mad This is not about the current moment.

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Speaker 1: It's about the past. Let me be really conscious about

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Speaker 1: that before I react. Number three is start feeling safe

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Speaker 1: with safe people. You don't heal in isolation, You heal

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Speaker 1: in better relationships. This applies to your friends, your parents,

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Speaker 1: your colleagues, your family members trying to heal through having

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Speaker 1: healthier relationships. Your romantic life will heal when your relationships heal.

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Speaker 1: So what do you do? Seek out emotionally available, consistent people.

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Speaker 1: It might feel boring at first because it's safe, but

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Speaker 1: text or hang out with someone who always shows up.

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Speaker 1: Spend less energy chasing and more energy receiving. Let calm

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Speaker 1: connection become your new normal. This is step four. Practice

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Speaker 1: secure behaviors even if you don't feel them yet. Right

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Speaker 1: you might be thinking, JET don't feel SA, why am

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Speaker 1: I practicing it well, because if you practice it, you'll

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Speaker 1: actually get used to it. We're trying to get you

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Speaker 1: to rewire your brain. Behavior rewires belief. Say that again,

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Speaker 1: behavior rewires belief. Start acting like a securely attached person would.

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Speaker 1: For example, communicate directly, Hey, I felt a little off

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Speaker 1: after our convo. Can we talk? Set boundaries without apology?

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Speaker 1: Give people a chance to show you there safe before

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Speaker 1: deciding they're not. You don't have to feel one hundred

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Speaker 1: percent secure to act one percent more secure. Right, let

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Speaker 1: me say that again. You don't have to feel one

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Speaker 1: hundred percent secure to act one percent more secure. And

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Speaker 1: the fifth and final step is reparent yourself. A lot

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Speaker 1: of insecure attachment comes from unmet needs in childhood. Meet

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Speaker 1: those needs for yourself. When you feel un loved or anxious,

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Speaker 1: say it's okay, I've got me. If you wanted validation

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Speaker 1: from someone else, give it to yourself. If you wanted

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Speaker 1: care from someone else, give it to yourself. If you

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Speaker 1: wanted gifts from someone else, give it to yourself. If

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Speaker 1: you wanted a big birthday from someone else, give it

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Speaker 1: to yourself. That becomes your anchor. That's how you build

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Speaker 1: internal safety. I want you to remember this. You're not broken,

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Speaker 1: You're just patterned, and patterns can change one pause, one choice,

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Speaker 1: one safe connection at a time. Thank you so much

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Speaker 1: for listening to today. I hope you'll share this episode

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Speaker 1: with someone else who's struggling, maybe someone who's single right now,

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00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:51,720
Speaker 1: someone who's recently broken up. This episode could save you

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00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:56,560
Speaker 1: months of your life, maybe even years. Thanks for listening.

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Speaker 1: Remember I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.

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Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my

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Speaker 1: conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens up on how

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Speaker 1: to stay with your partner when they're changing, and the

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Speaker 1: four check ins you should be doing in your relationship.

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Speaker 1: We also talk about how to deal with relationships when

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Speaker 1: they're undistressed. If you're going through something right now with

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Speaker 1: your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode

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Speaker 1: for you.

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Speaker 2: No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new

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Speaker 2: technology and we've just taken it in hookline and Sinker,

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Speaker 2: and we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll

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Speaker 2: just be thumbing through this stuff. You know, their mind's

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Speaker 2: never sleeping