1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,760 Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:07,120 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 3 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,080 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here 4 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:12,879 Speaker 1: back for another episode. Today's episode, though you may have 5 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:18,000 Speaker 1: already noticed, is a rerun, So over the next two weeks, 6 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,840 Speaker 1: I am putting out some of my best episodes from 7 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,959 Speaker 1: the last four years of almost NonStop podcasting as I 8 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,960 Speaker 1: just take some time away to launch my debut book, 9 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: Person in Progress, A Roadmap to the Psychology of Your Twenties. 10 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,160 Speaker 1: Do not fret. I will be back on the twenty 11 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 1: ninth of April, but I just wanted to give my 12 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: book a little bit of extra love these next two 13 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,599 Speaker 1: weeks because it's a big deal and I'm not going 14 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: to talk about it too much. I'm sure you're just 15 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,199 Speaker 1: here to listen to the podcast and probably sick of 16 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,920 Speaker 1: me talking about it, but I just want to say 17 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 1: thank you. I want to say a huge thank you 18 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:54,200 Speaker 1: for allowing me to write this book and put it 19 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 1: out in the world. This is only possible because of 20 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: you all. Because of you, guys, the listeners. Literally, that's it. 21 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: That's the only reason I'm able to do this. And 22 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,920 Speaker 1: I've wanted to be an author since I was five. 23 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 1: Twenty years later, you guys made that happen for me, 24 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:14,959 Speaker 1: So just thank you, Thank you so much. I would 25 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: obviously love it if you could pre order it, buy it, 26 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: gift it to a friend, but you've already done so much, 27 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,600 Speaker 1: and I just feel honored to have had this opportunity. 28 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 1: Most of all, I'm just really pumped for you guys 29 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,959 Speaker 1: to read it. I hope that you learn something. I'm 30 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,039 Speaker 1: sure if you love the podcast, you will love Person 31 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,160 Speaker 1: in Progress as well. But it's a really exciting time 32 00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:38,000 Speaker 1: and the main feeling I have right now is one 33 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,760 Speaker 1: of gratitude. So thank you so much. Without further ado, 34 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,399 Speaker 1: I hope you enjoy this rerun of one of my 35 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 1: favorite all time episodes. 36 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:57,040 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 37 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 2: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 38 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:04,640 Speaker 2: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 39 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 2: mean for our psychology. 40 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show, or welcome back 41 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:19,919 Speaker 1: to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are 42 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,640 Speaker 1: in the world, it is so great to have you 43 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,000 Speaker 1: here back for another episode. As we of course break 44 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. Today, I'm going to 45 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 1: cut straight to it. Let's talk about self doubt. Let's 46 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:35,040 Speaker 1: talk about the negative beliefs that we all kind of 47 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: have about ourselves that we carry through life, whether we 48 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:41,640 Speaker 1: are aware of it or not. Doubts about our worth, 49 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: doubts about our talent, how deserving we are, our intelligence, 50 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,840 Speaker 1: just a couple just to name a few, all of 51 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,800 Speaker 1: which end up really restricting our potential, and they manifest 52 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:58,760 Speaker 1: in indecisiveness, in procrastination, self sabotage, and disappointment. I think 53 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,600 Speaker 1: it's a really rude awakening when you realize that so 54 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 1: often the person who secretly is holding us back from 55 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:09,080 Speaker 1: so many of our visions and our dreams about the 56 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 1: future and about our lives is us. The person who 57 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,840 Speaker 1: is saying no, is us, The person rejecting us without 58 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:21,040 Speaker 1: ever giving us a chance. Is you? Guessed it ourselves. 59 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:24,399 Speaker 1: It's not always conscious, nor is it our fault. From 60 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,360 Speaker 1: a very early age, we get implanted with these false 61 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:31,200 Speaker 1: ideas of what makes us worthy and what we deserve, 62 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,600 Speaker 1: whether it's from our families, our childhood environment, our peers, 63 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 1: myths that society tells us about who gets to be successful, 64 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 1: and praised versus who doesn't. Even some of the setbacks 65 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 1: and failures that we experience pretty early on that really 66 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:51,360 Speaker 1: stay with us, and these experiences become those false beliefs 67 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,640 Speaker 1: within us that in turn create a core part of 68 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 1: our self concept and our self worth. And it kind 69 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:01,480 Speaker 1: of sets up this weird sigh where in order to 70 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: disperse those beliefs, we have to try harder, push ourselves harder, 71 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,760 Speaker 1: be something that we're not, and that inevitably, most of 72 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,600 Speaker 1: the time doesn't end up working. If we are never 73 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,920 Speaker 1: made aware of that, it can really end up putting 74 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 1: a ceiling on our potential and kind of disrupting our compass, 75 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,919 Speaker 1: disrupting the trust that we have in ourselves. I know 76 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,840 Speaker 1: this from my own experience as a teenager and very 77 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,159 Speaker 1: much into my early twenties. I was so uncomfortable with 78 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: who I was. I doubted about nearly every single thing 79 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:36,359 Speaker 1: that I did, from you know, my academics, to my 80 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 1: romantic life, to my creativity, to my friendships. And so 81 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 1: I really stopped myself from ever putting myself out there. 82 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 1: Before it even begun, I was already telling myself that 83 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,720 Speaker 1: I was going to fail, and it, you know, went 84 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,200 Speaker 1: right to the top in terms of big decisions like 85 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 1: not applying for jobs that I may have gotten, not 86 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,640 Speaker 1: applying for scholarships that I may have gotten, not taking risks, 87 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 1: but also small decisions like what would I wear to class? 88 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,080 Speaker 1: Who would I speak to? And I look back at 89 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,680 Speaker 1: that chapter with so much I think sadness, but also 90 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,960 Speaker 1: empathy for that version of me who was just crippled 91 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 1: by self doubt and spoke so negatively about themselves, was 92 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:19,039 Speaker 1: so obsessed with being perfect, never believed that she would be. 93 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 1: But in the last decade, I don't want to say 94 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,159 Speaker 1: that I've been on a journey because that sounds so 95 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,800 Speaker 1: mystical and religious, but in many ways I have this 96 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,680 Speaker 1: journey of realizing that life is short, the world is 97 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,640 Speaker 1: so big, people are so swept up in themselves that 98 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:37,279 Speaker 1: no one is making the rules, no one is saying 99 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 1: you can't more than you. And when you realize that, 100 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 1: when you realize that you're in your own way, is 101 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 1: when you really get the chance to reinvent yourself and 102 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:51,000 Speaker 1: reinvent your life and actually do things that take courage 103 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,160 Speaker 1: that you're genuinely proud of, and actually listen to your intuition. 104 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 1: So that is exactly what I want to talk about today, 105 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,640 Speaker 1: when I want to hopefully teach you today how to 106 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 1: silence your self doubt. We're going to discuss the origins 107 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:07,039 Speaker 1: of those negative false beliefs, how it shows up in 108 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:12,800 Speaker 1: very invisible ways, why it can create a self fulfilling prophecy, 109 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,719 Speaker 1: but above all else how we can leverage the psychology, 110 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:21,400 Speaker 1: the science, our knowledge about how we motivate ourselves versus 111 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 1: how we handicap ourselves to really push beyond our limiting beliefs. 112 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:31,240 Speaker 1: We have so much to discuss today. This episode has 113 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:34,560 Speaker 1: been on my mind for a long time, so I'm 114 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,839 Speaker 1: excited to share it and hopefully show you what has 115 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,279 Speaker 1: helped me help you learn from this as well. So, 116 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,800 Speaker 1: without further ado, let's get into the psychology behind why 117 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:51,600 Speaker 1: we doubt ourselves and how to silence those false beliefs. 118 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,839 Speaker 1: When we say that we are struggling with self doubt, 119 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,159 Speaker 1: that could mean a few things. Perhaps it's that you 120 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:02,120 Speaker 1: feel really unqualified at your job or at school. You 121 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,159 Speaker 1: doubt the position you're in. Maybe you're in a leadership role, 122 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:08,359 Speaker 1: maybe you're not. You feel insecure about your appearance, You 123 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,960 Speaker 1: doubt whether anyone will ever find you attractive. You doubt 124 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 1: yourself when you speak up, when you contribute, when you 125 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 1: interact with others. Maybe you compensate for that by seeking 126 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 1: constant reassurance. When it comes to making a decision about 127 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: your future or even small everyday decisions, you might procrastinate, 128 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,880 Speaker 1: not because you're lazy, not because you're indecisive, because you 129 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 1: aren't confident in your ability to choose correctly. This list 130 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,240 Speaker 1: could go on. Basically, it's not feeling good enough, not 131 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 1: feeling worthy enough, hesitating to start something new because you 132 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,880 Speaker 1: might not be perfect from the get go, imposter syndrome. 133 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,080 Speaker 1: We're going to get to that later. All of these 134 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 1: individual experiences are what make up what we would call 135 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 1: self doubt. What it all boils down to is a 136 00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:01,200 Speaker 1: lack or a loss of trust in yourself, your own abilities. 137 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:06,160 Speaker 1: Each of us has this internal compass that not only 138 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,880 Speaker 1: guides us, but is guided by our deeply rooted beliefs 139 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 1: about our value. And that value is what gives us 140 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:17,120 Speaker 1: confidence to forge ahead, confidence to believe in what we're doing, 141 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:22,560 Speaker 1: confidence to hold ourselves highly. When we experience overwhelming self doubt, 142 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: it indicates that that compass is broken. It's darting between 143 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,640 Speaker 1: north and south. And that's what doubt is at the 144 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 1: end of the day, indecision. You know, one moment I'm worthy, 145 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,560 Speaker 1: the next moment, no, I'm not. I'm talented, No I'm not. 146 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,520 Speaker 1: I should choose a path or maybe I should choose 147 00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:42,760 Speaker 1: path A, No, path B. I'm not sure. And this 148 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:46,520 Speaker 1: compass doesn't get broken on its own. No one is 149 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:50,200 Speaker 1: born doubting themselves. If you are around children, you will 150 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 1: see as soon as they can start crawling, how they 151 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:55,840 Speaker 1: dart forward or they climb any surface, and they never 152 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: realize that they can fall, and they have this uncontrollable 153 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 1: desire to be curious and to explore and to experiment. 154 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:07,600 Speaker 1: They never once question their instincts. As we gain greater 155 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:11,240 Speaker 1: self awareness, though obviously sometimes our doubts are for our 156 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:16,080 Speaker 1: own good, but also external forces begin to intrude and 157 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:20,360 Speaker 1: they begin to cause us to question ourselves, starting with 158 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: what always tends to be our main culprit, which is 159 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:27,640 Speaker 1: our parents and our childhood environment. I know it sounds 160 00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:30,920 Speaker 1: really really obvious to say, but our early childhood years 161 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:35,559 Speaker 1: are so formative. Our brain is like this big sponge, 162 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:38,880 Speaker 1: this big canvas that is taking in everything that is 163 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: thrown at it. Whether that is positive or not. And 164 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: there are of course some experiences that are more significant, 165 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,040 Speaker 1: especially when they relate to the bond that we share 166 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:51,000 Speaker 1: with our primary caregiver, because we are, you know, biologically 167 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 1: and naturally attuned to pay closer attention to those in 168 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:58,440 Speaker 1: which we have a secure, maybe insecure attachment to, so 169 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:03,360 Speaker 1: excessive criticism, for one, can cause us to really doubt 170 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,880 Speaker 1: ourselves from quite an early age. If you have a parent, 171 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,240 Speaker 1: if you still have a parent who is overly critical 172 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,320 Speaker 1: of you, nothing is good enough. You disappoint them, you 173 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,320 Speaker 1: annoy them, you don't live up to their expectations, and 174 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:19,480 Speaker 1: they let you know that beyond just kind guidance through scolding, 175 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,200 Speaker 1: never giving you praise, even when you try your hardest 176 00:10:23,679 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 1: to do what they want, you end up thinking, you know, 177 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 1: if this person doesn't love me for what I'm trying 178 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:33,240 Speaker 1: to do, am I even worthy of love? Can I 179 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 1: even trust myself? I want to please them so much, 180 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:41,240 Speaker 1: but I don't know how even when I try. This 181 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 1: causes us to really second guess everything because we become 182 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:50,280 Speaker 1: afraid of misstepping, and we begin to internalize the lack 183 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,480 Speaker 1: of support or the words that they say, and the 184 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,280 Speaker 1: seeds of self doubt are really kind of sown at 185 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 1: that moment. This can also emerge when we are compared 186 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:03,319 Speaker 1: to siblings, for example, and we again internalize a belief 187 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:07,960 Speaker 1: that compared to them, compared to this rivalry that is 188 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,280 Speaker 1: set up between us, we will never measure up. We 189 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,560 Speaker 1: will never be good enough for our parents. They will 190 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 1: always have a favorite, and that favorite will never be us, 191 00:11:17,559 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 1: and that again creates self doubt. The final example I'll 192 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,200 Speaker 1: give of this which kind of underlines all of the 193 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,319 Speaker 1: previous examples, but it's basically, when there are these high 194 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,880 Speaker 1: expectations that we can never meet, and it's not that 195 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,160 Speaker 1: when we don't meet them we're still met with love. 196 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:38,880 Speaker 1: When we don't meet them, we are perhaps met with criticism, neglect, punishment, 197 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 1: some kind of I don't know, behavior or discipline that 198 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 1: actually undermines who we are, and our sense of value 199 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,920 Speaker 1: does begin to weaken in response to that. In fact, 200 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,640 Speaker 1: according to research by the University of Nevada, a big 201 00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: factor that actually contributes to imposter syndrome later in life 202 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:05,720 Speaker 1: is hypocritical parents. Hypocritical parents who no matter what you did, 203 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 1: the accolades, the achievements, fawning, trying so hard, to please them. 204 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 1: It was never good enough, and so once again your 205 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:18,160 Speaker 1: compass loses direction. That is one set of experiences that 206 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,360 Speaker 1: contributes to a very innate lack of belief in ourselves. 207 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,160 Speaker 1: But it's not just our parents, it's our peers that 208 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,120 Speaker 1: obviously also make up a big part of that early environment. 209 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,760 Speaker 1: And you know what, I don't think our peers get 210 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,720 Speaker 1: enough credit for some of the pain that they cause, 211 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,080 Speaker 1: if we can even call it credit. Next to our parents, 212 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 1: our peers are like the biggest influence, and their influence 213 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,360 Speaker 1: is sometimes a not positive but b just tends to 214 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,400 Speaker 1: increase the older we get when we get into our 215 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,160 Speaker 1: teen years, the people that we are mainly concerned with 216 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:54,800 Speaker 1: impressing are our friends. The way that I could go 217 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:58,160 Speaker 1: on about the impact of childhood bullying on adult self esteem, 218 00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 1: this episode would be ours. Because it's not spoken about 219 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,240 Speaker 1: we often tend to think of, you know, once we 220 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:08,440 Speaker 1: leave that environment, once we leave school behind, once we 221 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 1: leave our bullies behind, oh my gosh, we can kind 222 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,679 Speaker 1: of wash our hands of this. We're done, we can 223 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:18,720 Speaker 1: move forward. All of those negative emotional reactions disappear. But 224 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,960 Speaker 1: if you went through that ten fifteen years ago, during 225 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,839 Speaker 1: that really really vulnerable period that we all go through, 226 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:31,120 Speaker 1: you know, during that really formative period. It's not like 227 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:36,319 Speaker 1: those experiences of being bullied, of being excluded, of being 228 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:42,120 Speaker 1: you know, socially, physically, verbally. I don't like the term abuse, 229 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 1: but yeah, bullied. Those experiences don't necessarily go away, and 230 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,720 Speaker 1: you know, fifteen years old, you might still hear those 231 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,319 Speaker 1: voices in your head when you're trying something new, or 232 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,520 Speaker 1: when you're going for a promotion at work, when you're 233 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,800 Speaker 1: trying to push beyond your own limits and extend yourself 234 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,840 Speaker 1: because those voices were just so loud during a time 235 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:07,920 Speaker 1: when your self concept was being formed, you know, being bullied, 236 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,960 Speaker 1: whether that is physical or verbal, or social or you know, 237 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:15,360 Speaker 1: exclusion that has been shown to quite literally change the 238 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:19,200 Speaker 1: brain due to an increased exposure to the stress hormone 239 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:25,040 Speaker 1: cortisol during that period during our adolescence where our neurons 240 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:30,080 Speaker 1: are wiring and rewiring quite rapidly. What that basically means 241 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,520 Speaker 1: is that the brain of someone who was bullied versus 242 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,240 Speaker 1: the brain of someone who wasn't are going to look 243 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 1: very different, specifically in the regions that process danger in 244 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,400 Speaker 1: our environment, specifically in our emotional brain. Circuits like the 245 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:48,640 Speaker 1: amygdala that processes fear and the areas of our brain 246 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,520 Speaker 1: that process a specific kind of pain called social pain, 247 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:58,200 Speaker 1: the pain that follows experiences of rejection, of loss, of ostracism. 248 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,440 Speaker 1: When they looked at the line long term consequences of this, 249 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:06,920 Speaker 1: people bullied as children showed heightened levels of social anxiety, 250 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:12,880 Speaker 1: heightened levels of perfectionism, and of course self doubt during 251 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:14,840 Speaker 1: that time. I think we can all kind of remember this. 252 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,400 Speaker 1: We really really care about what others think about us. 253 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:21,280 Speaker 1: We really care about whether we have enough friends. We 254 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,120 Speaker 1: really care about what the cool girl a cool guy like, 255 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,840 Speaker 1: whether they think that we're also cool. Like, it's just 256 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:31,600 Speaker 1: this constant social anxiety that is buzzing below the surface. 257 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 1: And when people around you drill away at your confidence, 258 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:39,680 Speaker 1: whether that is teasing, whether that is you know, criticizing you, 259 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:44,239 Speaker 1: whether that is slight comments about your grades, your clothes, 260 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,880 Speaker 1: you lose that innate trust you have in yourself, and 261 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 1: you lose that kind of innate trust you have in 262 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 1: your value, and you withdraw you shelter yourself away from 263 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:58,240 Speaker 1: potentially being hurt again or being bruised again by these 264 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 1: same people. Are the same experience and the way that 265 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,600 Speaker 1: you shelter yourself is by no longer showing up, by 266 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,640 Speaker 1: no longer putting yourself out there, because what this has 267 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,400 Speaker 1: taught you is that when you do that, you open 268 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,960 Speaker 1: yourself up to the potential to be hurt, to the 269 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:17,400 Speaker 1: potential to be excluded or isolated or criticized, and you 270 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 1: don't want you don't want to endure that. It's painful. 271 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,760 Speaker 1: So the easiest way to not endure that is to 272 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,920 Speaker 1: not ever put yourself out there. This is because I 273 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,080 Speaker 1: think one aspect of self doubt we haven't spoken on 274 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,680 Speaker 1: yet is that it really is a form of self protection. 275 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: It is a psychological defense mechanism because it shields us 276 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:40,520 Speaker 1: from potentially negative outcomes or emotional pain by being extremely cautious, 277 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 1: by asking us to double check, by asking us to 278 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:48,520 Speaker 1: play it safe, and to keep ourself in a place 279 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:52,040 Speaker 1: of comfort rather than discomfort. You know, kids are so 280 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: cruel and it's quite sad to think that, despite all 281 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,200 Speaker 1: of us being so young at the time, we were 282 00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 1: capable of doing this. You know, send me long term 283 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,240 Speaker 1: deathmage to how we see ourselves and the world because 284 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,600 Speaker 1: of that childhood cruelty and the impact that this has 285 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:10,359 Speaker 1: on our self doubt is definitely heightened when you already 286 00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 1: have innate personality traits like perfectionism, or you're a sensitive soul, 287 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,560 Speaker 1: or you have a high baseline level for anxiety. You know, 288 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,200 Speaker 1: if you are a sensitive kid. I'll go back to 289 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: that example, like I was, like I'm sure many of 290 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:27,400 Speaker 1: us were. These things can be incredibly hard to forget. 291 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:31,680 Speaker 1: And also our memory is often more attuned to negative experiences. 292 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,360 Speaker 1: We have a negativity bias. So if you're still feeling 293 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,720 Speaker 1: like you're reliving the trauma from a childhood bully or 294 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,200 Speaker 1: a teenage bully, I honestly think that that is quite 295 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,760 Speaker 1: a valid thing for you to be experiencing. I think 296 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 1: that those experiences don't disappear as fast as most people 297 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:52,200 Speaker 1: would lead us to believe. Another thing that really causes 298 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,639 Speaker 1: us to get buried in self doubt, especially the older 299 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,880 Speaker 1: we get, especially when we are in our late teenage 300 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:02,520 Speaker 1: years early twenties, are toxic or caotic relationships when it 301 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,919 Speaker 1: comes to love. I know it sounds so obvious, but 302 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:08,199 Speaker 1: you know that is where we are most vulnerable. And 303 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,920 Speaker 1: so when we trust somebody or when we really want 304 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,280 Speaker 1: them to return our attention and our affection and that 305 00:18:15,359 --> 00:18:18,199 Speaker 1: turns around and becomes insults or they reject us so 306 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,359 Speaker 1: they treat us like we're too much, that we're second best. 307 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,080 Speaker 1: That does some real emotional damage, and we talked about 308 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,399 Speaker 1: this on last week's episode on Red Flags. There was 309 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,920 Speaker 1: a twenty nineteen study that we referenced that showed how 310 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:36,320 Speaker 1: negative romantic experiences play a role in the development of 311 00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:39,119 Speaker 1: our sense of self esteem, and our self esteem is 312 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:43,000 Speaker 1: a primary contributing factor to our sense of self doubt. 313 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,639 Speaker 1: This makes a lot of sense for anyone who has 314 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:49,399 Speaker 1: unfortunately had an experience with someone you cared about or 315 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,960 Speaker 1: who you liked has been the same person to break 316 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,239 Speaker 1: down your confidence. You really end up losing trust in 317 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,400 Speaker 1: yourself because you feel like, how could I have been 318 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:01,920 Speaker 1: so wrong about self? Even though it's not your fault. 319 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,119 Speaker 1: It all comes back to wait, this was a choice 320 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,520 Speaker 1: for me. I chose someone who was going to maybe 321 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,879 Speaker 1: treat me like this, Or what if what they're saying 322 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,720 Speaker 1: is true? If I really like them, there must be 323 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,080 Speaker 1: something good about them. They must know something about me 324 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:21,440 Speaker 1: that I don't. So it's those early romantic relationships, even 325 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:26,879 Speaker 1: our recent romantic relationships, that can once again really furrow 326 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:30,800 Speaker 1: into our brain and make us doubt almost everything that 327 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,760 Speaker 1: we choose to do. Beyond that, we also have experiences 328 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,479 Speaker 1: of failure and of setbacks, and you know, our twenties 329 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,840 Speaker 1: are right for them because it is definitely one of 330 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,560 Speaker 1: the first times. It is the first time that we 331 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,280 Speaker 1: are truly independent, and we don't have the safety net 332 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:47,280 Speaker 1: of our parents or our teachers or of school to 333 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:50,160 Speaker 1: catch us. So our moves, our behaviors, they're all our own, 334 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,560 Speaker 1: and sometimes it just doesn't go our way, and that 335 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,000 Speaker 1: causes us to retreat and doubt the compass. There will 336 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:58,560 Speaker 1: be times in which we did our best, we did 337 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,359 Speaker 1: what we thought was right, and it did not go 338 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,600 Speaker 1: according to plan. We all have them. I remember a 339 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,080 Speaker 1: few instances like this. One was when I went for 340 00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:09,320 Speaker 1: this scholarship at my university, thought I did great, didn't 341 00:20:09,359 --> 00:20:12,879 Speaker 1: get it, got knocked back, and that was something that 342 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 1: I ended up being really grateful for. But that's a 343 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,600 Speaker 1: story for another time. And another example I was thinking 344 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,640 Speaker 1: of was when I worked really hard on this assignment 345 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,960 Speaker 1: and it was like one of my first assignments at UNI, 346 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,639 Speaker 1: and I got a fifty five percent. That is a 347 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,840 Speaker 1: small setback in the scheme of things I could not 348 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:29,000 Speaker 1: tell you what the paper was about. I could not 349 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,280 Speaker 1: tell you the opening sentence. I could not tell you 350 00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:34,679 Speaker 1: like anything to do with that paper. But I remember 351 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:38,159 Speaker 1: that I got that grade, and that grade made me 352 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 1: question everything about who I thought I was. I thought 353 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,679 Speaker 1: that I was smart. I thought that you know that 354 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,840 Speaker 1: I was ambitious. I thought that I was adaptable, and 355 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:49,960 Speaker 1: this kind of proved me otherwise, And how could I 356 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,959 Speaker 1: trust my judgment now? It really didn't help that I 357 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,000 Speaker 1: was in this competitive atmosphere. Everyone seemed to be doing 358 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:59,520 Speaker 1: so well, everyone was succeeding. It was just me who 359 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:03,080 Speaker 1: couldn't couldn't keep up, and I wanted to kind of 360 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,840 Speaker 1: prove that I deserve to be there. And obviously, in 361 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:09,399 Speaker 1: my mind, when I got that fifty five percent, I 362 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,400 Speaker 1: proved the opposite. I proved to myself that I did 363 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:16,040 Speaker 1: not deserve to be there. In the months after that, 364 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,919 Speaker 1: I remember, actually this really specific instance of writing this 365 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,440 Speaker 1: other essay and going back and forth and back and 366 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,359 Speaker 1: forth on the opening line, almost feeling like I was 367 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 1: gonna cry, feeling paralyzed by this paper, like is this good? 368 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:32,840 Speaker 1: I think it is. I think this is good, But 369 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:34,800 Speaker 1: how can I tell? Because I thought that my last 370 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:38,359 Speaker 1: paper was good and I was wrong. And this leads 371 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,560 Speaker 1: back to imposter syndrome. You want to know something really 372 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,639 Speaker 1: ironic but also quite quite funny. I find it funny 373 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,879 Speaker 1: at least. My very first episode of this podcast was 374 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,560 Speaker 1: on imposter syndrome. That was over three years ago, and 375 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:55,679 Speaker 1: I don't think I have gotten any better at dealing 376 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,880 Speaker 1: with it despite all the years of work that I've done. 377 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:03,080 Speaker 1: Impostera syndrome is rooted in a lot of that doubt 378 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:07,240 Speaker 1: that comes from a lot of those really core memories, 379 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:11,440 Speaker 1: in core experiences. And no matter how much you prove 380 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,959 Speaker 1: to yourself that you deserve your successes, your achievements, no 381 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,640 Speaker 1: matter how far you push yourself, how much you do, 382 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,639 Speaker 1: how much you achieve, you are constantly followed by this 383 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,720 Speaker 1: fear that one day the people around you, or the 384 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,640 Speaker 1: people that matter, are going to realize that you are 385 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,840 Speaker 1: a fraud. You are waiting for this other shoe to drop, 386 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,399 Speaker 1: despite the fact that you are probably really accomplished and 387 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:38,640 Speaker 1: really deserving, but because you don't trust your own assessments. 388 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: You can have all the evidence in the world, all 389 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:45,760 Speaker 1: the praise, all the promotions, everything, and you will still 390 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,959 Speaker 1: feel like you tricked. Somebody. You will still feel like 391 00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:52,399 Speaker 1: somebody made a mistake or you just got lucky. The 392 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,240 Speaker 1: problem with imposta syndrome is that the experience of doing 393 00:22:56,280 --> 00:23:00,679 Speaker 1: well at something does not change your beliefs. That thought 394 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,080 Speaker 1: still nags in the back of your head. You know, 395 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,280 Speaker 1: what gives me the right to be here? The more 396 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,680 Speaker 1: you accomplish the you know, the more you actually feel 397 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 1: like a fraud, the more you feel like you've tricked 398 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,600 Speaker 1: even more people. It's as though you can't internalize your 399 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,760 Speaker 1: experience of success. At the end of the day, it's 400 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 1: self doubt. It's never feeling good enough, it's never feeling 401 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,080 Speaker 1: like you have the right to be where you are. 402 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,760 Speaker 1: That imposter syndrome can push us to one end of 403 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:29,520 Speaker 1: the spectrum, where we are so focused on overachieving and 404 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:33,440 Speaker 1: pushing ourselves harder and harder that we end up burning out. 405 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,280 Speaker 1: We end up not being able to achieve anything that 406 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,439 Speaker 1: we want to because we are so exhausted. And on 407 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,800 Speaker 1: the other hand, it can also push us to the 408 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,080 Speaker 1: other end of the spectrum, where we self sabotage or 409 00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:49,560 Speaker 1: we self handicap. There is this quote that perfectly summarizes 410 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 1: this for me. People never rise above the opinions of themselves. 411 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,240 Speaker 1: That is so harsh, but it is so true, and 412 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:02,119 Speaker 1: it is exactly what I'm mean by self handicapping and 413 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:06,160 Speaker 1: self sabotaging. If your opinion is that you are undeserving, 414 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,159 Speaker 1: that you don't know what you're doing, that you are 415 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,280 Speaker 1: out of place, people know you're a fraud, you're not 416 00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:14,080 Speaker 1: good enough. The list goes on. When the chance comes 417 00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,480 Speaker 1: for you to prove otherwise and to step into a 418 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:20,639 Speaker 1: version of you that shows yourself that those beliefs are wrong, 419 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,800 Speaker 1: it is so uncomfortable and it contradicts so many of 420 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:29,600 Speaker 1: your beliefs that you self handicap. Self handicapping is a 421 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,199 Speaker 1: behavioral response to feeling uncertain about our abilities, where we 422 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:39,000 Speaker 1: unconsciously find an outside source to blame for our behaviors 423 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:43,160 Speaker 1: that protect us from feeling inadequate. You know, if you're 424 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:46,840 Speaker 1: already going to fail, why not fail on your own terms? 425 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:50,360 Speaker 1: To avoid the embarrassment of putting yourself out there? Why 426 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,399 Speaker 1: apply for that job you are objectively a perfect for. 427 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:58,000 Speaker 1: If you believe you're going to be rejected, why post 428 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,879 Speaker 1: that photo or put yourself out there online? If you 429 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 1: know people are already going to laugh at it, why 430 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,120 Speaker 1: ask that person on a date when you know they'll 431 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:09,439 Speaker 1: say no, why not just save yourself the awkwardness? You 432 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:12,919 Speaker 1: know it shows up in so many ways. Hopefully you 433 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: get what I'm what I'm getting at. Self doubt, when uncontained, 434 00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:21,680 Speaker 1: causes us to unconsciously limit ourselves and limit our by 435 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:26,960 Speaker 1: our potential by letting sometimes life changing opportunities pass us 436 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,960 Speaker 1: by and not acting because we can't possibly think that 437 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,080 Speaker 1: they'd be for somebody like us. The other way that 438 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:38,000 Speaker 1: this manifests is in indecisiveness, which some people would actually 439 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:41,560 Speaker 1: argue is a form of self sabotage or a form 440 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:45,480 Speaker 1: of self handicapping, an unconscious form of that. You know, 441 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:50,440 Speaker 1: indecisiveness involves very much overthinking and over analyzing our decisions 442 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,679 Speaker 1: before we make them, perhaps to the point that we 443 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,920 Speaker 1: never do. Obviously, it's a good thing to think through 444 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,000 Speaker 1: your decisions. It's good to have some healthy level of 445 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:03,400 Speaker 1: skepticism and humility, otherwise we do via too far into 446 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:07,240 Speaker 1: the path of arrogance. But if we are actually just 447 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,600 Speaker 1: scared to fail, or if we are actually just scared 448 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,520 Speaker 1: of making the wrong decision because we don't trust our 449 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,119 Speaker 1: ability to meet the demands of this new chapter of 450 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:20,040 Speaker 1: this new opportunity. We are actually self abandoning before we 451 00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:23,919 Speaker 1: even gave ourselves a chance. And it's devastating that we 452 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:28,360 Speaker 1: are the ones who said no throughout indecisiveness before anybody 453 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:33,560 Speaker 1: else could. We were our kind of biggest enemies in 454 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:38,400 Speaker 1: those moments without perhaps even realizing it, because in our 455 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,440 Speaker 1: mind we were just trying to make the right decision, 456 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:44,119 Speaker 1: We were just trying to really weigh up all the 457 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:48,679 Speaker 1: pros and cons. But actually that analysis paralysis is a 458 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:52,000 Speaker 1: way of making sure that we never have to push 459 00:26:52,119 --> 00:26:56,520 Speaker 1: past the discomfort of proving our self doubts wrong. It's 460 00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:00,920 Speaker 1: interesting because people might call these kinds of India jewels lazy, 461 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:04,880 Speaker 1: or we might you know, call them procrastinators because at 462 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:07,480 Speaker 1: phase value, maybe that's what it looks like. But underneath 463 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:12,639 Speaker 1: it all is this belief system that has become rotten 464 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:16,520 Speaker 1: by insecurity, that is invisible to everyone around us, and 465 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,760 Speaker 1: is you know, the voice of that is our inner critic. 466 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:24,000 Speaker 1: The voice of that is this very loud, nagging sound 467 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:26,680 Speaker 1: at our head of like you can't do that, you're 468 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:29,399 Speaker 1: not good at you're not good enough. Imagine everything that 469 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,760 Speaker 1: could go wrong. Imagine when somebody, somebody important is going 470 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,000 Speaker 1: to realize that you've lied, that you're a fraud, that 471 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:39,080 Speaker 1: you can't perform. Knowing what this may be costing us, 472 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:45,800 Speaker 1: you know, our dream life, a rich life, love, friendship, money, opportunities, 473 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,359 Speaker 1: What do we do about it? How do we silence 474 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:52,040 Speaker 1: that voice that in a critic that self doubt. I 475 00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,840 Speaker 1: have so many tips for you, so many tips coming up, 476 00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:58,000 Speaker 1: including the power of a persona, the power of an 477 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:02,600 Speaker 1: alter ego, why we need exposure to failure, and why 478 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,879 Speaker 1: we should be doubting our self doubts. All of that 479 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:15,199 Speaker 1: and more after this short break. Knowing that we have 480 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,640 Speaker 1: negative doubts about ourselves is one thing. I think addressing 481 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:22,440 Speaker 1: them is a whole other beast, because we are essentially 482 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:26,480 Speaker 1: now tasked with undoing a whole belief system, one which 483 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 1: you know, the evidence would tell us has been around 484 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:33,480 Speaker 1: for many, many years, probably longer than we have been 485 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,399 Speaker 1: aware of it. So let's break down how we can 486 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 1: kind of regain control over your self doubt. Firstly, really 487 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:44,320 Speaker 1: go behind your negative thoughts and your negative self beliefs 488 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:47,640 Speaker 1: and ask what are you actually afraid of? What are 489 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:51,800 Speaker 1: your doubts supposedly warning you of? What are they protecting you? 490 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:57,400 Speaker 1: From what is this fear trying to tell you? Like 491 00:28:57,440 --> 00:29:00,200 Speaker 1: we said before, you know, self doubt is a form 492 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 1: of self protection. It's saying, you know, failure in this 493 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:08,120 Speaker 1: circumstance is scary. Judgment is scary, and we don't want 494 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:10,400 Speaker 1: to be exposed to that. So let's play it safe. 495 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:12,880 Speaker 1: And what I want you to do is almost like 496 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 1: a pro con analysis of what it would mean to 497 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:18,920 Speaker 1: listen to those self doubts and live with the fear, 498 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:21,760 Speaker 1: or to live in spite of it. Let me give 499 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,000 Speaker 1: you an example. Say you are thinking of moving it 500 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:25,920 Speaker 1: to a new city, but you've been going back and 501 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:29,040 Speaker 1: forth on it for the last six months. You're doubting yourself. 502 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:30,720 Speaker 1: You know, can I do this alone? Am I the 503 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:34,000 Speaker 1: kind of person who does these things? Will I have 504 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,400 Speaker 1: to return in six months and admit that I failed, 505 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:39,160 Speaker 1: that I couldn't find a job, that I couldn't adapt, 506 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,160 Speaker 1: that I couldn't make new friends? What are people going 507 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,920 Speaker 1: to think of me? Some days you think you can 508 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,720 Speaker 1: do it, and other days you don't think you can. 509 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:52,640 Speaker 1: You experience that really awful drop in self confidence, and 510 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:55,800 Speaker 1: so you hold off making the decision. But you feel 511 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:59,920 Speaker 1: like you're doing something because you're constantly analyzing and try 512 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,680 Speaker 1: ting to essentially determine do I believe in myself enough 513 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:05,520 Speaker 1: to do this? What you might actually be afraid of? 514 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,880 Speaker 1: What might be fueling this self doubt is actually more complex. 515 00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:11,880 Speaker 1: You're not just scared of failing, but you are scared 516 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:15,280 Speaker 1: of what others think. You're scared of proving to yourself 517 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:18,760 Speaker 1: that you're not capable. You're scared of loneliness. You're scared 518 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:23,240 Speaker 1: of your ability to tolerate change and uncertainty. But what 519 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:27,320 Speaker 1: is the worst thing that uncertainty or loneliness or change 520 00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 1: or transition can really do to you? Truly? You'll feel uncomfortable, yes, 521 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 1: but you also won't grow. It might be hard, it 522 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 1: will take courage, but any years time, you'll look back 523 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:42,960 Speaker 1: and think, I'm so glad that I did this now, 524 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,280 Speaker 1: and those memories are going to last for a long time. 525 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:48,920 Speaker 1: When you actually go behind your self doubt, behind why 526 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,840 Speaker 1: you question your ability to do something, and you look 527 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:55,600 Speaker 1: at what fears are holding up that belief, you realize 528 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,680 Speaker 1: that what your self doubt is trying to protect you 529 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:01,760 Speaker 1: from is not as scary as what it is protecting 530 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:04,760 Speaker 1: you from not doing. If that makes sense, The same 531 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:07,760 Speaker 1: goes for things that work or uni professionally in your career. 532 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:10,360 Speaker 1: What are you actually afraid of? What are your self 533 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 1: doubts trying to protect you from By not going for 534 00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:16,960 Speaker 1: that promotion, by not applying for that job, by not 535 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:20,240 Speaker 1: starting your own business or creating something, you are putting 536 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:23,880 Speaker 1: yourself out there. Is it embarrassment? Is it being seen 537 00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:27,440 Speaker 1: and perceived by others? Is it failure? Is it proving 538 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:32,280 Speaker 1: to yourself what you always thought that you don't deserve it? Anyways? Again, firstly, 539 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,560 Speaker 1: those fears are probably ninety nine percent of the time 540 00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:37,480 Speaker 1: not going to happen. You're not going to embarrass yourself. 541 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:40,600 Speaker 1: You're not going to be perceived by others in a 542 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,320 Speaker 1: negative way that it's going to harm you. But if 543 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:46,880 Speaker 1: they do, is it worse than never trying at all? 544 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:50,640 Speaker 1: Is the fear of the possibility of something bad happening 545 00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:55,239 Speaker 1: worth the opportunity of something really good happening? That can 546 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:57,640 Speaker 1: be hard to put into practice, by the way, I 547 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:01,120 Speaker 1: absolutely understand. But one of the ways that I do 548 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:05,120 Speaker 1: it is by personifying my self doubt and speaking directly 549 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:08,400 Speaker 1: to it with compassion and gratitude. I know this sounds 550 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:11,600 Speaker 1: really silly, but just try it say to your self doubt, like, Hey, 551 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:14,160 Speaker 1: I really appreciate you looking out for me. That is 552 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,640 Speaker 1: so nice of you. Thank you so much for anticipating 553 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:18,840 Speaker 1: those things. I really appreciate all the extra work that 554 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,400 Speaker 1: you're doing. But I've got it from here. I'm gonna 555 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:25,560 Speaker 1: do it anyways, and we can revisit later on, we'll 556 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:28,440 Speaker 1: circle back. The thing to remember is that you are 557 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:32,000 Speaker 1: your self doubts. You own them. They come from you, 558 00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:34,200 Speaker 1: and so you can say no to them as well. 559 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,800 Speaker 1: You can say, yeah, no, I actually don't believe that. Sorry, 560 00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:40,520 Speaker 1: actually no, Like that's probably not going to happen, So 561 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:45,360 Speaker 1: thank you for that thought. You're wrong. Moving on, the 562 00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:48,000 Speaker 1: other thing that really helps me with this and helps 563 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,480 Speaker 1: me put things into perspective is to remind myself that 564 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:55,160 Speaker 1: other people, people that I admire pretty much have the 565 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:59,000 Speaker 1: same internal self skepticism and doubts as me. It's very 566 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:02,640 Speaker 1: easy to compare pair ourselves to the people around us, 567 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:07,640 Speaker 1: these incredibly successful people and kind of believe that the 568 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:10,040 Speaker 1: only reason they have what we dream of is because 569 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:12,400 Speaker 1: they were always confident in their ability to do so, 570 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,960 Speaker 1: or that everything has worked out for them, that they 571 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:19,360 Speaker 1: have none of these self doubts when actually, so many 572 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:21,840 Speaker 1: of the greats, so many of the people we really admire, 573 00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:25,959 Speaker 1: have had setbacks, They have had crippling doubts that they 574 00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:29,000 Speaker 1: have had to overcome to be who they are now. 575 00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:31,920 Speaker 1: The person I always think of when it comes to 576 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:35,560 Speaker 1: this is Simone Biles. The Olympics are coming up. She's 577 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:39,520 Speaker 1: a great example. She is the most decorated gymnast, the 578 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:43,680 Speaker 1: most one of the most accomplished Olympians in history, and 579 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,280 Speaker 1: a few years back she gave this interview saying that 580 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,080 Speaker 1: there had been so many times when she didn't think 581 00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:53,040 Speaker 1: that she was good enough, when she was so hypercritical 582 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:56,400 Speaker 1: of her performance, that, in her words, she couldn't remember 583 00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,480 Speaker 1: a day where she didn't cry. We each come to 584 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,840 Speaker 1: our dreams and our desires and our plans with doubts. 585 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:06,680 Speaker 1: Even those who you would never believe would falter or 586 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:08,920 Speaker 1: for one second think that they weren't great because they 587 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:12,480 Speaker 1: are the best, imposter syndrome still strikes them down. It's 588 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:15,839 Speaker 1: like the natural equalizer. And when you realize that even 589 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:20,759 Speaker 1: these incredible athletes, incredible people, have these feelings, you also 590 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:23,640 Speaker 1: begin to realize that maybe the only difference between them 591 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:27,160 Speaker 1: and maybe the people who aren't on that podium. Maybe 592 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:32,279 Speaker 1: us is that they didn't let that fear at the 593 00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:36,040 Speaker 1: root of their self doubt overwhelm them. Here's the other 594 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:39,320 Speaker 1: reason why I think having these kinds of realistic idols 595 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,360 Speaker 1: and seeing these examples and hearing them speak about it 596 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:46,280 Speaker 1: is so helpful for soothing our self doubts. It really 597 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,719 Speaker 1: helps us ask the question, you know, why not me? 598 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,480 Speaker 1: Why can't I have that? Why can't I be her? 599 00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:53,880 Speaker 1: Why can't I dream be or take the chances that 600 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:57,279 Speaker 1: they have Because we have the same self doubts. They've 601 00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:00,600 Speaker 1: just found a place for them. They've set the example, 602 00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:03,319 Speaker 1: they have proven that it's possible. And now it's kind 603 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:04,719 Speaker 1: of your turn. Maybe you don't want to be an 604 00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:07,560 Speaker 1: Olympic gymnast, but you know, whatever it is that you 605 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:10,799 Speaker 1: are striving towards, there is an example of somebody in 606 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:15,000 Speaker 1: that professional in your career who has experienced the most 607 00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:18,480 Speaker 1: crippling form of self doubt and pushed beyond it. And 608 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:21,319 Speaker 1: I want us to just sit for a second and 609 00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:25,080 Speaker 1: really ponder that question. Whatever it is that your self 610 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:29,480 Speaker 1: doubt is keeping you back from, why not you? And 611 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:31,600 Speaker 1: I want you to give me at least three reasons 612 00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:36,560 Speaker 1: chances are you can't because your fear and your self 613 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:40,360 Speaker 1: doubt is not actually rational. It's just kind of betting 614 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:44,879 Speaker 1: on you listening to it blindly and obeying what it's 615 00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:48,040 Speaker 1: telling you to do. Being indecisive. It's betting on you 616 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:51,239 Speaker 1: not taking risks. It's betting on you playing it safe, 617 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:54,759 Speaker 1: when actually, when you really drill down into it, the 618 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:58,200 Speaker 1: reasons to not do something are often a lot less 619 00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:01,640 Speaker 1: persuasive than the reasons to do something. Here's how we 620 00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:05,480 Speaker 1: counteract that. Make a persona for yourself. Create a version 621 00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:08,560 Speaker 1: of you. Visualize a character that would do all the 622 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:12,160 Speaker 1: things that you believe that you can't. Base that persona 623 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,080 Speaker 1: off of the people you admire who did what you 624 00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:18,719 Speaker 1: dream to do, even if they're fictional. Base that persona 625 00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:21,799 Speaker 1: off of your ideal vision of your future self, or 626 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:25,040 Speaker 1: your idols or your wildest dreams, and give them a name. 627 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:28,439 Speaker 1: And then the question is between doubting yourself and doing 628 00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:32,160 Speaker 1: the thing, whatever it is. Ask yourself, Okay, what would 629 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:35,799 Speaker 1: my persona do? What would this version of me, who 630 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:38,200 Speaker 1: is everything I want to be, who is all the 631 00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:41,720 Speaker 1: great parts of everybody else that I love and I admire? 632 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:43,920 Speaker 1: What would they take the risks. You know, they wouldn't 633 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,799 Speaker 1: think twice. Would they put themselves out there? Of course 634 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:48,919 Speaker 1: they would. Would they wear this weird outfit? Of course 635 00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,880 Speaker 1: they would. And there you go. They are the justification 636 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,000 Speaker 1: for doing all the things that you maybe wouldn't do otherwise. 637 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:57,160 Speaker 1: Be like, you know, well, I wasn't going to take 638 00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,680 Speaker 1: that solo trip, but Patricia, my alter ego made me 639 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:01,560 Speaker 1: wanted me to go, so I guess I have to go. 640 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:04,319 Speaker 1: I wasn't going to apply for that promotion or ask 641 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:06,960 Speaker 1: that person out, but you know, Ronaldo would do it, 642 00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,000 Speaker 1: and I've got to, you know, do it for Ronaldo. 643 00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:11,879 Speaker 1: I've got to do it for this alter ego. I've 644 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:14,680 Speaker 1: got to be this version and vision of me that 645 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:18,960 Speaker 1: I believe in and that is possible. Become that persona, 646 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:22,440 Speaker 1: become this alter ego, you know, make them responsible for 647 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:26,000 Speaker 1: the things that you are scared to do. The benefits 648 00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:30,480 Speaker 1: of this are amazing. Greater performance, greater confidence, more will power, 649 00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:34,720 Speaker 1: quicker decision making. In psychology, it's called the Batman effect, 650 00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:37,799 Speaker 1: and the reason it works is because it allows us 651 00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:42,240 Speaker 1: to separate ourselves from all the negative beliefs, our past, 652 00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:46,160 Speaker 1: our memories, whatever is holding us back and It projects 653 00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:49,480 Speaker 1: only the best parts of ourselves onto this. You know, 654 00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:52,839 Speaker 1: I don't want to say false, this fantasy version of us. 655 00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:56,799 Speaker 1: It kind of rains in the undesirable feelings that are 656 00:37:56,840 --> 00:38:01,279 Speaker 1: holding us back. Through this very effective form of self distancing. 657 00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,800 Speaker 1: When I want to stop getting in my own way, 658 00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:07,120 Speaker 1: I think about what Gemma with a G would do. 659 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,440 Speaker 1: She wouldn't think about other's opinions before her own. Gemma 660 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:15,279 Speaker 1: with the G is totally confident, totally self aware. She 661 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:18,280 Speaker 1: wouldn't doubt herself before she expressed what she was feeling. 662 00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:21,360 Speaker 1: She wouldn't stop herself saying yes to cool things or 663 00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:23,480 Speaker 1: going places where she knew no one. That's what Gemma 664 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:25,560 Speaker 1: with a G would do, and I want to do 665 00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:30,640 Speaker 1: right by her. So try this persona alter ego tip 666 00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:33,680 Speaker 1: for just a week, Apply it where necessary, and see 667 00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:37,239 Speaker 1: if it changes anything. Think it's almost like thinking from 668 00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:40,880 Speaker 1: a place of your ideal self rather than your scared self, 669 00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:45,719 Speaker 1: rather than your doubting self. If your self doubt is 670 00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:50,960 Speaker 1: especially linked to procrastination and indecisiveness, I would also say 671 00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:54,560 Speaker 1: train yourself to not do things perfectly every time, treat 672 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,400 Speaker 1: failure like an assignment almost and just do go to 673 00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:01,080 Speaker 1: the gym. Even if you don't even up working out right, 674 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:03,160 Speaker 1: you still went. You still made a decision to go 675 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:05,960 Speaker 1: wear an outfit, even if you know it doesn't look great, 676 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,440 Speaker 1: just for like a couple of hours. Put your hand 677 00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:10,040 Speaker 1: up to host that event, or to go to that 678 00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:13,080 Speaker 1: wrong club, or anything that means you will show up, 679 00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:16,320 Speaker 1: even if you don't show up perfectly, because what matters 680 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:18,799 Speaker 1: most is just being decisive, and doing that is what 681 00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:22,880 Speaker 1: we are trying to train ourselves into. You are allowed 682 00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:25,000 Speaker 1: to make mistakes. You don't have to do it perfectly, 683 00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:28,880 Speaker 1: That's okay, and you build up this tolerance for failure, 684 00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,000 Speaker 1: and failure is often the thing that our self doubt 685 00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:34,040 Speaker 1: is most scared of. It's like when you do cold 686 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,920 Speaker 1: water plunges. Right. It feels so terrible at the beginning, 687 00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:40,239 Speaker 1: but soon you begin to relax into it and realize 688 00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:43,840 Speaker 1: that this actually isn't that scary, This actually isn't dangerous. 689 00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:46,560 Speaker 1: My brain is just trying to convince me that it 690 00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:50,520 Speaker 1: is to protect me. This also doesn't give us time 691 00:39:50,520 --> 00:39:52,719 Speaker 1: to get stuck in the analysis loop of do I 692 00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:54,719 Speaker 1: do it? Do I not? Am I deserving? Am I not? 693 00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:58,920 Speaker 1: Because our assignment is to disregard those things and just 694 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:02,360 Speaker 1: do that. It's that SA make it that simple, Just 695 00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:04,720 Speaker 1: do it. Oh my god, hopefully I don't get sued 696 00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:08,879 Speaker 1: by Nike for using their phrase that was completely accidental. 697 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:11,960 Speaker 1: But again, ask the question, what are you truly afraid of? 698 00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:15,879 Speaker 1: Get behind those fears and is there a chance that 699 00:40:15,920 --> 00:40:19,600 Speaker 1: your doubts are incorrect? That is the final part of 700 00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:23,680 Speaker 1: this My final tip for this episode. Question what your 701 00:40:23,719 --> 00:40:27,880 Speaker 1: brain is trying to convince you is fact. And remember 702 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,960 Speaker 1: that if your doubts came from you, there is a 703 00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:35,640 Speaker 1: possibility that they might be biased or maybe wrong. A 704 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:38,320 Speaker 1: lot of the time they are based on this incorrect 705 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:41,040 Speaker 1: or faulty evidence. You know, this faulty evidence from our 706 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:45,560 Speaker 1: past experiences that incorrectly made us assume that we weren't worthy, 707 00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:49,040 Speaker 1: we weren't valuable, we weren't talented, we weren't intelligent. And 708 00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:52,680 Speaker 1: because those doubts are actually originating from inside of you, 709 00:40:52,719 --> 00:40:55,880 Speaker 1: they have an internal origin. Once again, you can choose 710 00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:58,000 Speaker 1: to say, yeah, you know, I don't think that's right. 711 00:40:58,880 --> 00:41:00,960 Speaker 1: I'm just going to choose to not believe this today. 712 00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:03,640 Speaker 1: I'm going to choose to not believe that I don't 713 00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:08,360 Speaker 1: deserve this. I'm going to believe that there wasn't a mistake, 714 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:10,480 Speaker 1: that I didn't just get lucky, that I'm here for 715 00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:15,440 Speaker 1: a reason, because that belief and my self doubt are 716 00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:17,920 Speaker 1: both coming from me, and they both have the capacity 717 00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:21,760 Speaker 1: to be true. So I'm going to do it anyways. 718 00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:24,120 Speaker 1: I'm going to be myself anyways. I'm going to show 719 00:41:24,239 --> 00:41:27,719 Speaker 1: up anyways, some final reminders, because you know, I love 720 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:30,279 Speaker 1: to close my episodes out with a little pep talk 721 00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:32,880 Speaker 1: to hype you guys up, to get you to apply 722 00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:36,480 Speaker 1: what I'm hoping you've learned. Please remember that most of 723 00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:39,640 Speaker 1: us don't just explode right out the gate. Most of 724 00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:43,920 Speaker 1: us do spend some time doubting our own abilities in 725 00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:47,600 Speaker 1: some capacity. The difference is whether you let that define 726 00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:50,480 Speaker 1: your reality or you let it just be a thought. 727 00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:53,160 Speaker 1: It can be hard when your in a critic is loud, 728 00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:56,480 Speaker 1: but once again, your inner critic is your own voice. 729 00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:59,200 Speaker 1: You and your inner critic are one and the same, 730 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,799 Speaker 1: so you are actually able to replace those beliefs with 731 00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:06,279 Speaker 1: a better and more real understanding of who you are, 732 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:09,720 Speaker 1: which is someone who is competent, confident, a risk taker 733 00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:13,960 Speaker 1: willing to bet on themselves, someone who learns from setbacks, 734 00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:16,960 Speaker 1: and who if you've made it this far, is obviously 735 00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:21,000 Speaker 1: deeply committed to becoming your best self. So don't let 736 00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:23,880 Speaker 1: yourself be to blame for I guess holding you back. 737 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:26,319 Speaker 1: Don't you get to the end of your life and 738 00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:29,600 Speaker 1: realize that nobody ever actually said no or turned you 739 00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:32,440 Speaker 1: away or turned you down. You did it before they 740 00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:36,600 Speaker 1: even had the chance, so you never really put yourself 741 00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:39,800 Speaker 1: in the running. I don't want that to be your reality. 742 00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:42,080 Speaker 1: So I'm giving you a big hug through the microphone 743 00:42:42,120 --> 00:42:45,520 Speaker 1: and a big you can fucking do it, because you can. 744 00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:48,719 Speaker 1: You absolutely can. Your self doubts do not control you. 745 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:52,200 Speaker 1: And as always, I just really hope that you enjoyed 746 00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:55,440 Speaker 1: this episode. At the least, I hope that you learned 747 00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:59,600 Speaker 1: something new about yourself, about your life, or about your psychology. 748 00:43:00,239 --> 00:43:02,920 Speaker 1: As always, if you feel like there is somebody in 749 00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:05,960 Speaker 1: your life who could benefit from this, please feel free 750 00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:08,440 Speaker 1: to share with them. Make sure that you are following 751 00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:12,279 Speaker 1: along for new episodes. I just got to say, We've 752 00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:16,319 Speaker 1: got some amazing ones coming out soon. I am so 753 00:43:16,520 --> 00:43:20,160 Speaker 1: excited for next week's episode, in particular, maybe it's already 754 00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:22,280 Speaker 1: out by the time you're listening to this, but listen 755 00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:25,239 Speaker 1: to that one next. If that is the case, and 756 00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:26,960 Speaker 1: if you could give us a five star review on 757 00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:30,360 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts or Spotify, that also really helps the show 758 00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:33,680 Speaker 1: to grow and reach a new audience. If you enjoyed 759 00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:37,000 Speaker 1: this episode, if you have feedback, and more importantly, if 760 00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:40,480 Speaker 1: you have a topic suggestion something about the psychology of 761 00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:43,160 Speaker 1: your twenties that we have not yet covered, I would 762 00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:44,799 Speaker 1: love to hear from you. Make sure that you are 763 00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:48,680 Speaker 1: following along at that psychology podcast or you can follow 764 00:43:48,719 --> 00:43:51,760 Speaker 1: me at Gemma Spake. And until next time, be safe, 765 00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:55,799 Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon.