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Speaker 1: Okay, guys, the High and Mighty Tour is about to begin.

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Speaker 1: I'm coming to Washington, d c Norfolk, Virginia, Atlantic City,

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Speaker 1: which I just added, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Columbus,

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Speaker 1: and Cincinnati, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Springfield, Massachusetts, Chicago,

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Speaker 1: of course, Indianapolis, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, Albuquerque, Masa, Arizona, Kansas City, Missouri,

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Speaker 1: Saint Louis, Missouri, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham,

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Speaker 1: North Carolina. May sixth, I'm doing Netflix as a Joke Festival.

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Speaker 1: I will be in Los Angeles, that is a new announcement, Saratoga, California, Monterey, California, Modesto, California,

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Speaker 1: and port Chester, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington.

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Speaker 1: I will be touring from February through June. Go to

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Speaker 1: Chelsea Handler dot com for tickets If you want to

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Speaker 1: come see me perform. I will be on the High

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Speaker 1: and Mighty Tour.

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Speaker 2: Hi Catherine, Hi, Chelsea. How are you today?

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Speaker 3: Are you? Oh? God?

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Speaker 1: Oh?

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Speaker 3: Good?

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Speaker 1: Oh good. Good, Are you still on pelvic floor rest?

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Speaker 4: I am hopefully going to be over that soon. We'll

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Speaker 4: be able to have penetration. That's a good that's.

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Speaker 1: A good way to get away from Somebody'd be.

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Speaker 2: Like, right, I was sorry, the doctor said.

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Speaker 1: One night, Stan, You're like, you know what, At the

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Speaker 1: very last minute, right when you're walking up to someone's

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Speaker 1: hotel room, You're like, you know what, Actually, I'm on

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Speaker 1: pelvic ress.

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Speaker 3: You know what?

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Speaker 2: Sorry? Well, I do have an update.

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Speaker 4: This is another like long term update like we had

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Speaker 4: last time, but this is from Jay who called in

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Speaker 4: on our justin long episode from a million years ago.

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Speaker 4: But she was wondering if sexting is cheating. Her husband

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Speaker 4: had been sexting someone she caught him.

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Speaker 2: Our advice was.

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Speaker 4: Kind of like, since he was really apologetic and open

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Speaker 4: to counseling, to give it another try. So she says, Hi, Catherine,

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Speaker 4: I wanted to send an update. I went back through

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Speaker 4: my emails to see how long ago this happened. Well,

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Speaker 4: I should have left him back then. I forgave him

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Speaker 4: and put my trust back in him. This time he

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Speaker 4: cheated on me for real with one of my coworkers,

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Speaker 4: gross And she knew I was married. Her boyfriend saw

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Speaker 4: her messages and thank god sent me screenshots through Facebook.

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Speaker 4: I'm trying to divorce, but my state makes you wait

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Speaker 4: one year. I've been separated in the same house for

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Speaker 4: three months and he still tries to fight for me,

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Speaker 4: but I'm not interested.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for the advice back then.

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Speaker 4: Not sure you'll get this, but just wanted to use

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Speaker 4: as a cautionary tale for others if you wanted.

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Speaker 2: Thanks again, Jay.

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Speaker 1: So, what was the advice that I gave her to

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Speaker 1: get rid of him?

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Speaker 4: No, we said, like, give him another chance because he

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Speaker 4: was really apologetic. I'll go to counts like I'm so sorry,

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Speaker 4: and he failed her.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, there's nothing really good that comes from that. You know,

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Speaker 1: if somebody's like sneaking around doing anything, it's going to

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Speaker 1: lead to more things. It's like, you know, even if yeah,

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Speaker 1: and some people are just like good at really being

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Speaker 1: a liar, you know, they just want to lie and

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Speaker 1: manipulate people like they're just a bad seed. Which is

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Speaker 1: hard to kind of think about because when you're intimate

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Speaker 1: or and you're in a relationship with or you know,

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Speaker 1: a marriage, you're like, oh no, you blame yourself a

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Speaker 1: lot because you're like, how did I not see all

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Speaker 1: those warning signs? But it's pretty obvious when someone lies.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and it's kind of like you have to weigh

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Speaker 4: did they fuck up one time or is it like

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Speaker 4: an habitual thing, Especially with the sex thing. I think

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Speaker 4: people can get really addicted to, like the dopamine hit

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Speaker 4: of like getting responses from somebody.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I also think it's fair to give somebody

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Speaker 1: a second chance. If somebody if they fuck up, if

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Speaker 1: they fuck up like in a minor way, it's like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm not cool with this, But when they fuck up

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Speaker 1: in a major way, then it's kind of like, well,

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Speaker 1: now you have like two red flags. So yeah, you

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Speaker 1: have your answer. Yeah, so good for you for staying strong.

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Speaker 1: You're gonna find another guy very shortly. There's yeah, they're everywhere.

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Speaker 4: There is joy around the corner. I think we're ready

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Speaker 4: for our caller. This is Jane, who's calling in aid?

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Speaker 4: Jane Jane, Yeah, like nineteen fifties Jane. So her subject

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Speaker 4: was unplanned pregnancy, not sure who the father was, She says,

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Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea, I've always resonated to your bluntness and lack

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Speaker 4: of respect for straight men. I'm twenty nine, and I've

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Speaker 4: always known I want to be a mom. However, I

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Speaker 4: have PTSD from sexual trauma at the hands of both

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Speaker 4: men I trusted and men I didn't know. This has

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Speaker 4: made it nearly impossible for me to have a serious,

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Speaker 4: long term relationship with a man. I'd much rather be

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Speaker 4: alone than let one live in my space and tell

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Speaker 4: me what to do. I recently went on a little

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Speaker 4: bit of a bender and slept with three different men

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Speaker 4: in one weekend. I was ovulating and acting like a

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Speaker 4: fuck boy. My therapist says it's to feel in control

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Speaker 4: again and a normal trauma reaction, but I feel bad

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Speaker 4: for lying to all of them. My period was late

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Speaker 4: and I took a test and it was positive. I

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Speaker 4: grew up Catholic, so I knew my family would not

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Speaker 4: be thrilled about this news. For context, I had an

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Speaker 4: abortion a year ago and it clarified the fact that

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Speaker 4: I do want kids. At the time, I didn't have

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Speaker 4: a stable job. I have a good job now with

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Speaker 4: good insurance, but I don't make a ton of money.

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Speaker 4: I wanted to keep the baby, but my mom and

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Speaker 4: sister specifically would probably have had to help me a lot,

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Speaker 4: and I don't know if that's fair. After talking with

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Speaker 4: them about how I wanted to keep the baby, they

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Speaker 4: pressured me to end the pregnancy and I did. I know,

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Speaker 4: my very religious mom is ashamed of me, and I'm

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Speaker 4: not sure how to repair my relationship with her. Any

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Speaker 4: help would be appreciated.

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Speaker 1: Jane, Hi, Jane, how are you good?

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Speaker 3: Nice to meet you.

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Speaker 1: Nice to meet you. Okay, so what's the status with

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Speaker 1: you and your mom? Your mom's was set with you

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Speaker 1: for getting pregnant or for getting the abortion.

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Speaker 3: Both, it would seem. So I don't know like where

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Speaker 3: we go from here, because I had multiple conversations with

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Speaker 3: her where I was like, I don't want to do

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Speaker 3: this without you, like I'm not going to involve the father,

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Speaker 3: so you would have to be a big part of

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Speaker 3: me in this baby's life. And she told me I

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Speaker 3: can't do that for you. I can't be there for

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Speaker 3: you in the way that you need, which broke my heart,

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Speaker 3: and I made the decision Okay, I'm not gonna I

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Speaker 3: don't want to do this alone. It's really hard to

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Speaker 3: be a single mom. Not that I couldn't have done it,

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Speaker 3: but I chose not to. Now I'm feeling like isolated

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Speaker 3: for my family because all of this vulnerable stuff happened.

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Speaker 3: But then I'm also like isolated socially because I can't

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Speaker 3: like date successfully. So I'm just kind of in a pickle.

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Speaker 1: What do you mean you can't date successfully? Why do

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Speaker 1: you say that?

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Speaker 3: Like, I have so much PTSD that normally it just

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Speaker 3: turns out to be more like a vender, like what

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Speaker 3: happened in September, where like I kind of go crazy

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Speaker 3: for a weekend and like sleep around a bunch and

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Speaker 3: it's fun and I have fun. But then I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: it would be cool if I had someone I could trust,

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Speaker 3: and also it would be cool if I met someone

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Speaker 3: I could raise a kid with. But I feel like

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Speaker 3: I'm giving up on that. And that's what my parents

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Speaker 3: were saying to me, is like, we feel like you're

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Speaker 3: giving up, and that's what made me decide to get

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Speaker 3: the abortion. But yeah, I'm twenty.

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Speaker 1: Nine, So okay, Well, first of all, you're twenty nine.

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Speaker 1: You have your entire life ahead of you. That's nothing,

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Speaker 1: So don't worry about that number. Okay, are you working

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Speaker 1: with a therapist right now?

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Speaker 3: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Okay, so you're working through all that stuff. So for you,

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Speaker 1: like for any other regular person who's just going out

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Speaker 1: and doing that randomly or occasionally, that's okay. But if

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Speaker 1: it's a result of what the trauma that you endure,

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Speaker 1: then that is a separate issue, right yeah, because you're

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Speaker 1: acting out and you're doing this for the reasons. So

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Speaker 1: I think your transparency is really like great, a that

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Speaker 1: you're working with a therapist, that you were honest with

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Speaker 1: your family. It's not your mom's responsibility to raise a

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Speaker 1: child with you. It's an unfair ask, you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean. She's not your partner. She already raised you,

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Speaker 1: she raised your siblings, like it's just not fair. So

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Speaker 1: I understand that you were disappointed in that reaction, but

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Speaker 1: you have to get yourself into a position a where

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Speaker 1: you're with someone that you're ready to have a baby

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Speaker 1: with and then that's going to be your partner. And

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Speaker 1: when that does happen, and you showed the kind of

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Speaker 1: a mature and growth that you're going to be experiencing,

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Speaker 1: like from this phone call on and through your therapy

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Speaker 1: and on, you're going to mend the relationship with your

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Speaker 1: mom and your family members and everything. They just need

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Speaker 1: to see that you're making changes in the right direction,

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Speaker 1: going out, having sex with three gunys, getting pregnant, and

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Speaker 1: then asking your mom to raise the baby doesn't give

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Speaker 1: people a view of oh, this girl's getting her shit together.

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Speaker 3: Yeah I know I and I can see their perspective.

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Speaker 3: And I did, like finally just get a real, real

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Speaker 3: job with like benefits and everything. So I think I

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Speaker 3: am kind of addicted to the chaos, maybe a little bit.

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Speaker 3: And that's what my therapist is working with me on.

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Speaker 3: It's just I feel like, what if I never find

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Speaker 3: I don't see a world where i'll ever like trust

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Speaker 3: someone and want to Like.

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Speaker 1: You will, you will, absolutely willitizecause nothing is permanent. Your

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Speaker 1: feelings right now are not permanent. They're just temporary and

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Speaker 1: it's a result of something. So like, you're in a situation.

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Speaker 1: This is a great like growth edge for you. You're

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Speaker 1: in a situation where you can like actually decide, Okay,

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Speaker 1: this is not how I want to behave anymore. I

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Speaker 1: want to move forward. You know what you want, you

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Speaker 1: want a partner, you want to have a baby, move

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Speaker 1: forward with those things in mind. Having vendors with a

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Speaker 1: bunch of random guys every weekend isn't getting you what

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Speaker 1: you want. That's like a band aid that ends up

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Speaker 1: hurting more in the long run, right, Like, that's not

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Speaker 1: how you want to have a baby. So if you

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Speaker 1: really are looking like, don't say I'm never gonna. I'm

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Speaker 1: never gonna. You're twenty nine years old. You don't know

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Speaker 1: what you're gonna do. You're gonna have a lot of experiences,

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Speaker 1: and you're gonna fall in love with people, and you're

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Speaker 1: gonna have like all of those opportunities as long as

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Speaker 1: you just make sure that's what you want to do

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Speaker 1: and say to yourself like with intention, like that's that's

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Speaker 1: what I'm doing now. And also there's no harm in like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I don't like, I'm not a big fan

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Speaker 1: of declaring victory prematurely when you feel like you've gotten

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Speaker 1: over a situation or you're feeling like you're kind of

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Speaker 1: like blooming into a new person, so to speak. But

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Speaker 1: like it's important to take that be patient with your

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Speaker 1: family and in a few weeks time or whatever seems

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Speaker 1: like an appropriate amount of time for you. I don't

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Speaker 1: know how often you hang out with your family, are

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Speaker 1: with them, but just give them positive updates about the

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Speaker 1: work and progress that you're making. You know, about your job,

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Speaker 1: it's not all about men, it's not all about the baby.

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Speaker 1: It should just be multi dimensional, all the facets of

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Speaker 1: your life, your friendships, this is what you're working on,

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Speaker 1: this is what you're working on with your therapist. You

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Speaker 1: don't have to get into detail, but just give them

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Speaker 1: little updates to let them know that you are like

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Speaker 1: working towards becoming a more reliable, responsible adult who's ready

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Speaker 1: for a big responsibility.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think that that is really good advice

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Speaker 3: because sometimes I feel like, what can we talk about though,

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Speaker 3: because there's a lot of like trauma in my past,

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Speaker 3: and my job is kind of boring, and so sometimes

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Speaker 3: I feel like there's only like a handful of topics

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Speaker 3: that I can talk to my family about. But you're right,

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Speaker 3: probably just talking about my goals and things that I

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Speaker 3: am accomplishing would be better than.

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Speaker 1: And books that you're reading. You read a book, like

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Speaker 1: a self help book that really made you understand or

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Speaker 1: reminded you of your dynamic with your parents, like all

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Speaker 1: positive things, you know what I mean. Don't bring them

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Speaker 1: into the trauma since it's already exposed and everyone knows

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Speaker 1: about it. It's about you, like working to get out

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Speaker 1: of it and working to heal yourself, and that's your priority.

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Speaker 1: Your priority isn't your family, your priorities, yourself, but like

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Speaker 1: you know, your mental health and just sharing with them

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Speaker 1: in a way that doesn't require them to carry any

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Speaker 1: more of a burden in their minds, you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean. Or responsibility I think is a better choice

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Speaker 1: of words.

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Speaker 3: I definitely wish I could go back in time and

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Speaker 3: just not tell anybody in my family about any of

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Speaker 3: the trauma or the pregnancies.

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Speaker 1: Of course I know, but you know what, that's okay.

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Speaker 1: You did and they deserve to know because they're your

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Speaker 1: family and they want to know. It's just about it's

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Speaker 1: not what happens, it's how you handle what happens, you know,

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Speaker 1: I mean, listen, it is what happens, but it's very

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Speaker 1: much more how you handle coming out of that and

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Speaker 1: what you do to heal after that. So I don't

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Speaker 1: have any doubt that you're on your You're on your road.

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Speaker 1: You're just in a vulnerable spot right now, and you're

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Speaker 1: feeling vulnerable, you know, and you're feeling alone, and I

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Speaker 1: get it. But this you have the ability to repair

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Speaker 1: all of these relationships and make them grow and turn

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Speaker 1: into the woman that you really like want to become

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Speaker 1: and find the partner that you want.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, Like I know, right now it feels like the

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Speaker 4: trauma is so looms so large in your life and

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Speaker 4: that like that's your whole life. But as you keep

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Speaker 4: working with your therapist and you get some distance and

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Speaker 4: some perspective, like it will it will shrink as far

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Speaker 4: as like how much space it takes up in your life.

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Speaker 4: I also wanted to ask, not from a procreation standpoint,

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Speaker 4: but just from a like a mood management perspective, are

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Speaker 4: you on birth control at all or no?

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Speaker 3: No? And this is like been a thing for me.

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Speaker 3: I have tried so many different touch and just suck yes,

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Speaker 3: and they have made me so depressed. I tried the

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Speaker 3: copper IUD when I was in college, and I've never

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Speaker 3: had more painful periods. And then I tried to get

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Speaker 3: the like least hormonal IUD yes, the Marina I think,

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Speaker 3: and it was horrible. There was like a it was

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Speaker 3: a doctor learning how to be a gynecologist and they

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Speaker 3: couldn't get it in and so I just told them

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Speaker 3: to stop.

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Speaker 2: Which is great for someone who already has sexual trauma.

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Speaker 2: Good job.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, but when we're on natural we have these like

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Speaker 4: highs and lows with our hormones, right, and like when

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Speaker 4: we're ovulating, we feel the most powerful, we get the

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Speaker 4: most done, we feel amazing. But then it can also

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Speaker 4: lead to like you know, going out and partying a

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Speaker 4: little bit too much and sort of you know, having

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Speaker 4: to face the consequences of that. Whereas when you are

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Speaker 4: on birth control it gives you a little bit less

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Speaker 4: of a high low. So you may talk to your

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Speaker 4: doctor and see if there is a pill that could

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Speaker 4: help just sort of like smooth the edges of that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I know, I think that if I could find

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Speaker 3: a good option for me, that would be great, especially

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Speaker 3: because you know, I'm not going to be celibate, so

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Speaker 3: I don't want to have a repeat of this situation

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Speaker 3: next time.

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Speaker 1: I obulate, do you have a female female doctor gynecologist?

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Speaker 3: No, well I don't have a gynecologist.

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Speaker 1: Okay, Well do you have health insurance?

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Speaker 3: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Okay, We'll try and find a female gynecologist and she's

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Speaker 1: going to be much more adept at getting things inside

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Speaker 1: you and also giving you the options of what's like

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Speaker 1: what a good option for you is. I mean, there's

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Speaker 1: a million things out there. I'm sure there's going to

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Speaker 1: be something that's going to get along with your system.

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Speaker 1: I mean everyone needs it, So.

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Speaker 3: That's good advice to talk about positive things, get on

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Speaker 3: birth control. I think it's just hard because, like like

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Speaker 3: you were saying, Catherine, like it's so daunting, Like I

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Speaker 3: feel okay, you know, like day to day, but like

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Speaker 3: big picture, am I ever going to be able? Like

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Speaker 3: I don't know. I just got a text from like

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Speaker 3: a witness protection person that the guy who assaulted me

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Speaker 3: is and be out of prison in a week, and

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Speaker 3: so tough. I don't have anybody really in this town.

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Speaker 3: My family's not here, so it's just like I wish

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Speaker 3: I could talk to my mom and my sister about

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Speaker 3: this stuff, but like it's too taboo. It's like that's frustrating.

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Speaker 1: Why is it too taboo? Like what is their reaction

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Speaker 1: to that subject matter?

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Speaker 3: They basically tell me not to talk about it, like

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Speaker 3: don't bring it up kind of stuff, which is fine,

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Speaker 3: Like I have friends and a therapist. It's just my

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Speaker 3: sister is very she's turned to God.

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Speaker 2: And so now she's like doesn't he want to hear

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Speaker 2: she doesn't want to.

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Speaker 3: Talk about abortion and like sexual assault is like she

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Speaker 3: can't handle talking about it.

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Speaker 4: So you know what, I think, in addition to your therapist,

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Speaker 4: to see if there is like a group in your

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Speaker 4: town that is, like a sexual assault survivors group, that

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Speaker 4: might be really helpful. So you have another outlet that

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Speaker 4: you can talk to people who've experienced the same thing,

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Speaker 4: which you know maybe your therapist hasn't. That might be

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Speaker 4: a good way to, like, and you can talk about

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Speaker 4: this like I can't talk about this with my family,

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Speaker 4: you know how your family is reacting, and like really

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Speaker 4: get into it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that would just feel validating.

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Speaker 1: I think, especially with.

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Speaker 4: The freshness of like knowing this person is out, you

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Speaker 4: know that it might be good to like step up

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Speaker 4: your self care in that.

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Speaker 1: I think that's a great idea because you're going to

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Speaker 1: find out you're not the only person whose family isn't

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Speaker 1: always available for these kinds of conversations.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and I don't want them. I don't want to

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Speaker 3: keep traumatizing them.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, right, I hear you. I hear you.

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Speaker 2: Well, will you follow up with us in a little.

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Speaker 3: Bit, Yeah, thank you so much.

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Speaker 2: All right, thanks for calling in. We wish you the

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Speaker 2: best of luck.

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Speaker 3: Nice to meet you you too, Chelsea. I'm seeing you

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Speaker 3: in February in Madison.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, great, I'll be there Madison, Wisconsin. I'm coming here. Okay,

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Speaker 1: take care, keep us pote Okay, bye, guys.

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Speaker 2: Iye, what a sweetheart. Well, I mean, it's like a

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Speaker 2: heavy topic, but.

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Speaker 4: I'm glad that this is a resource where people can

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Speaker 4: come and talk about, you know, some of the not

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Speaker 4: so fun parts of life, some of the worst parts

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Speaker 4: of life.

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Speaker 1: Families are so fucked up, truly.

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Speaker 4: Truly, and even the ones that mean well don't always

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Speaker 4: know what to say, you know.

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Speaker 1: I like them when people don't know what to say.

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Speaker 1: I like when people say it is what it is?

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Speaker 2: What does that mean?

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Speaker 1: It is what it is? Is there anything more stupid

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Speaker 1: than that sentence?

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Speaker 2: Maybe like that it was meant to be? Or you

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Speaker 2: know what I mean when people are.

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Speaker 1: Like, oh, it's not that they say, I'm like, well, God,

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Speaker 1: is what it is? It's like, what is it? It's

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Speaker 1: not good enough?

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Speaker 2: Should it be good enough? I'm not agree.

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Speaker 1: Okay, anyway, Catherine, I hope you have a wonderful, productive day. Okay,

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Speaker 1: thank you God, God bless America. Fine, okay, guys, the

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Speaker 1: High and Mighty Tour is about to begin. I'm in

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Speaker 1: DC February thirteenth. February fourteenth, Atlantic city which I just

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Speaker 1: added fifteenth is Norfolk, Virginia. February nineteenth Madison, Wisconsin. February

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Speaker 1: twentieth is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. February twenty first Detroit, Michigan. February

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Speaker 1: twenty second, Rama, Ontario. That's Canada for those of you

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Speaker 1: who don't speak Canadia. March thirteenth, Cleveland, oh Ohio. March

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Speaker 1: fourteenth Columbus, Ohio. March fifteenth, Cincinnati, Ohio. And then March

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Speaker 1: twentieth is Denver, Colorado. March twenty seventh Portland, Maine. March

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Speaker 1: twenty eighth, Providence, Rhode Island. March twenty ninth, Springfield, Massachusetts.

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Speaker 1: April tenth is Chicago. I'll be at the Chicago Theater.

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Speaker 1: April eleventh Indianapolis, Indiana. April twelfth Louisville, Kentucky. April sixteenth

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Speaker 1: is Albuquerque, New Mexico. April seventeenth is Mesa, Arizona. April

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Speaker 1: twenty third is Kansas City, Missouri. April twenty fourth is

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Speaker 1: Saint Louis, Missouri. April twenty fifth is Minneapolis, Minnesota. April

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Speaker 1: thirtieth Nashville Tennessee. May first is Charlotte, North Carolina. May

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Speaker 1: second is Durham, North Carolina. May sixth, I'm doing Netflix

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Speaker 1: as a joke festival. I will be in Los Angeles.

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Speaker 1: That is a new announcement. And May fifteenth Saratoga, California.

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Speaker 1: May sixteenth Monterey, California. May seventeenth Modesto, California. And then

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Speaker 1: June fourth Portchester, New York. June fifth is Boston, mass

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Speaker 1: And June twelfth is Portland, Oregon. And then Seattle is

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Speaker 1: June thirteenth, So suck on that, everybody. Go to Chelseahandler

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00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,400
Speaker 1: dot com for tickets.

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Speaker 2: Do you want advice from Chelsea?

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00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,840
Speaker 4: Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find

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00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,000
Speaker 4: full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching

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00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,879
Speaker 4: at Dear Chelsea pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered

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Speaker 4: by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law And be sure

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Speaker 4: to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com