Speaker 1: I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the r Spot, a
Speaker 1: production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. There was
Speaker 1: a song, I think it was in the seventies or
Speaker 1: the eighties, Oh my god, I'm dating myself, and the
Speaker 1: song was breaking up. It's hard to do when you
Speaker 1: really loved someone. Breaking up is really hard to do
Speaker 1: when you love someone more than you love yourself, because
Speaker 1: if yourself wants to leave the relationship and their self
Speaker 1: wants you to stay, breaking up is gonna be really
Speaker 1: hard to do. You've got to love yourself enough to
Speaker 1: be able to stand in and four what's best for you,
Speaker 1: even though breaking up is hard to do, and it's
Speaker 1: even harder when we love somebody. But we know this
Speaker 1: just isn't working. I don't know why that's not enough,
Speaker 1: this ain't working. I love you, I love your dirty draws,
Speaker 1: but this ain't working. It's not working for me, it's
Speaker 1: not working for you. We are sad, happy, sometimes sad.
Speaker 1: Most of the time. It's not working and breaking up
Speaker 1: is hard to do, but I'm willing to do the
Speaker 1: work to break up so that I can have what
Speaker 1: I need. Breaking Up is hard to do, and I
Speaker 1: don't know how we got here, and it's hard, and
Speaker 1: I don't like it, and you don't like it. But
Speaker 1: I'm done. Those two words, I'm done, and the other
Speaker 1: two words that are really really important in the midst
Speaker 1: of a breakups exit strategy. I'm done and I'm getting
Speaker 1: my exit strategy. That's the focus of my conversation with
Speaker 1: my caller today. Take a listen. Thank you for calling
Speaker 1: the art spot. How may I support you today? What
Speaker 1: is your relationship challenge, issue or dilemma?
Speaker 2: Good afternoon, he almost thanks for having me on. My
Speaker 2: issue challenging dilemma is that I'm at an impasse in
Speaker 2: my current relationship. I recently told my partner that I
Speaker 2: didn't want want to participate in the marriage and wanted
Speaker 2: a divorce, and now we are at an impass of
Speaker 2: circular conversations about how we share feelings with one another.
Speaker 2: And I was told that I'm the bad guy and
Speaker 2: that I have ruined our relationship and it hurts, and
Speaker 2: I'm not sure how to move forward through the.
Speaker 3: Process of us not being together anymore.
Speaker 1: Okay, so you are going to go forward with the
Speaker 1: dissolution of the relationship. Is that accurate?
Speaker 2: Yes? I do, he does not?
Speaker 1: He does not. No, do you want to end the relationship?
Speaker 1: Is that what you want? Or is it that you
Speaker 1: just don't know how to stay in the state that
Speaker 1: it's in.
Speaker 2: I think it's a mix of both. I think through
Speaker 2: therapy and through my own work, I've realized that I've
Speaker 2: been in the same circular conversation with myself and my
Speaker 2: therapist about leaving or staying or coming and going, and
Speaker 2: I am tired of complaining about it and living unhappily
Speaker 2: and I'd rather just make a decision and move forward.
Speaker 1: Alrighty, So you're at it, impass. I don't know why
Speaker 1: if you've made the decision to leave the relationship, do
Speaker 1: you have your exit plan?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Oh? Why not?
Speaker 2: I think a little bit of fear. I mean, it
Speaker 2: took it took me two years just to finally let
Speaker 2: him know that I was ready to make that decision,
Speaker 2: and I think I was shocked and hearing how hearing
Speaker 2: that to him. No matter what we go through, no
Speaker 2: matter no matter how we operate as a couple, he
Speaker 2: will never leave me, and I will be the one
Speaker 2: that has to leave him.
Speaker 1: All right, So let me ask this. Do you believe
Speaker 1: that the relationship can be healed? Okay? Well, that's it.
Speaker 1: Do are you willing to stand in that awareness? I
Speaker 1: don't believe this relationship can be healed.
Speaker 2: Now that I don't know.
Speaker 1: Are you willing to stand in that?
Speaker 2: I'm not sure. I'm getting I'm feeling more comfortable and
Speaker 2: more aware that that's the place that I will need
Speaker 2: to stand. But it's it's.
Speaker 1: Very hard, and it's why is it hard?
Speaker 2: It's hard because I have to acknowledge my own part
Speaker 2: in the relationship and I have to deal with what
Speaker 2: those consequences will look like for me.
Speaker 1: Okay, I want you to come present to this right now, moment,
Speaker 1: right here, right now with me, right now, right here.
Speaker 1: What color is the room that you're in? Are you
Speaker 1: in a room? What color is the paint on the walls?
Speaker 2: I'm sitting in the car and the cars Inside the
Speaker 2: car is great.
Speaker 1: Okay, Inside the car is grey? All right? What color
Speaker 1: is the car?
Speaker 2: Car is white?
Speaker 1: Okay? What's right in front of you? Look right out
Speaker 1: the windshield and tell me what is in front of you.
Speaker 2: There's two trees in front of me.
Speaker 1: Oh goody. Trees are wonderful. There are signs of strength.
Speaker 1: Take a breath. I want you to come right here,
Speaker 1: right now, because your conversation sounds like you're running from
Speaker 1: the past and afraid to run into the future. And
Speaker 1: you don't have to do either one of those. You
Speaker 1: got to be right here, right now, and let's look
Speaker 1: at this. Let's look at the belief that the relationship
Speaker 1: cannot be healed, fixed, changed. Is that a truth for you? No,
Speaker 1: it's not. So you do believe that the relationship can
Speaker 1: be fixed, heel changed?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Is that what you want? Do you want this relationship
Speaker 1: to be fixed, heeled, changed, whatever it is? So that
Speaker 1: is livable?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Okay, So now you you confused because if you believe
Speaker 1: that the relationship can be fixed, heeled or changed, that's
Speaker 1: one thing. But that's not what you want. So you
Speaker 1: want out for whatever reason? Correct you want out?
Speaker 2: Yeah? I do. I want out, And I teeter back
Speaker 2: and forth, knowing good and well what i want and
Speaker 2: I'm scared.
Speaker 1: No, you know what you want? You just haven't learned
Speaker 1: how to stand in it. So I'm gonna I'm gonna
Speaker 1: make it real simple for you. Because sometimes when you're
Speaker 1: running from the past and afraid of the future, you
Speaker 1: can't come present to right here, right now, it's hard
Speaker 1: to own your truth. So we're gonna own your truth,
Speaker 1: right Okay? Can we do that?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay. So you're in the gray interior of a white
Speaker 1: car and there's a tree right in front of you.
Speaker 1: Focus on that tree. Focus on that tree. Just look
Speaker 1: at that tree. Does it have any leaves on it?
Speaker 1: Is it a pine tree? Oh? You know what kind
Speaker 1: of tree? Doesn't have any leaves on it?
Speaker 2: It's like a pine tree.
Speaker 1: Okay, So it does have leaves, Yeah, a pint those
Speaker 1: spruicy things, I don't know what you call them, needles? Needles? Okay, boy,
Speaker 1: you would have to be looking at a tree full
Speaker 1: of needles right now. Boy, you like to make things
Speaker 1: harder than they need to be, don't you. Okay, Focus
Speaker 1: on that tree. Focus on that tree, okay, okay, And
Speaker 1: I want you to see feel imagine that your partner
Speaker 1: is standing in front of that tree. You know what
Speaker 1: your partner looks like. Is it a he or she
Speaker 1: your partner. Okay, he's standing in front of that tree.
Speaker 1: I want you to see him dressed nicely, you know,
Speaker 1: not slop around the house and sweat so pajamas. But
Speaker 1: see him dressed nicely. Right, tell me what he has on.
Speaker 2: He's wearing a purple and white like schlowy smock with
Speaker 2: white pans and a purple shirt.
Speaker 1: Okay, good. Does he look nice?
Speaker 2: Yeah? He looks great.
Speaker 1: Okay, good. Take a breath, focus on him in that tree,
Speaker 1: and I want you to say this with me. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm done.
Speaker 2: I'm done.
Speaker 1: I'm done. Tell him again, I'm done. Breathe, yeah, say
Speaker 1: it again. See him in that purple shirt. I'm done.
Speaker 2: I'm done.
Speaker 1: Okay, what's happening? Yeah, I'm done. Where do you feel
Speaker 1: that in your body?
Speaker 2: Like in the middle near my heart?
Speaker 1: Okay, good, look at him again in the tree. Look
Speaker 1: at him in the in the tree. Say this with me.
Speaker 1: No right, no right, no wrong, no wrong. I'm done.
Speaker 2: I'm done.
Speaker 1: Love you and I'm done.
Speaker 2: Love you when i'm done.
Speaker 1: Done. Come on, say it. I'm done.
Speaker 2: I'm done. I'm done.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've changed my mind.
Speaker 2: I've changed my mind.
Speaker 1: This is no longer what I want.
Speaker 2: This is no longer what I want.
Speaker 1: And I'm not who I want to.
Speaker 2: Be and I'm not who I want to be when.
Speaker 1: I'm with you. When I'm with you, I'm done.
Speaker 2: I'm done.
Speaker 1: Now, take take a breath and close your eyes and
Speaker 1: let him go. No heat, no upset, no anger, no fighting,
Speaker 1: no conversation. I'm done. And tell me what comes up
Speaker 1: for you? Having said that and seen that and experienced that.
Speaker 2: Here is the first thing that comes up. And holding
Speaker 2: myself accountable is the next thing that comes up. What
Speaker 2: does that mean that knowing what I don't want, I
Speaker 2: have to go after what I want.
Speaker 1: What do you mean holding yourself accountable?
Speaker 2: I guess because I have felt like I have done
Speaker 2: some things wrong in the relationship, and I don't I
Speaker 2: want to make sure that for myself, I did everything
Speaker 2: I needed to do for this relationship.
Speaker 1: How old is this relationship? How old is it? How
Speaker 1: long have you been in it?
Speaker 2: Twelve years?
Speaker 1: Whoa are you today? Who you were twelve years ago?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you may have done some things that were
Speaker 1: less than loving, less than supportive, less than self loving,
Speaker 1: less than self supportive, but you did what you did
Speaker 1: based on who you were and the information you had
Speaker 1: at the time. Let me say that you did what
Speaker 1: you did based on who you were and the information
Speaker 1: you had at the time, and now you have new information,
Speaker 1: and that information is even though you believe this relationship
Speaker 1: can be healed, it is no longer what you want
Speaker 1: for yourself. Period. Even though this relationship may be healed,
Speaker 1: it's no longer what I want. Is that accurate?
Speaker 2: That is very accurate.
Speaker 1: So why can't you stand in that? Are you willing
Speaker 1: to stand in that? Let me not ask you why?
Speaker 1: Why is a question that can never be answered. Are
Speaker 1: you willing to stand in that? I am alrighty, we'll
Speaker 1: talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the hard spot. We are continuing our conversation about breaking up,
Speaker 1: leaving a relationship. So talk to me about guilt and shame.
Speaker 2: I have a lot of guilt and shame because hearing
Speaker 2: from my partner that I will ultimately have to make
Speaker 2: the decision that will in the relationship that makes me
Speaker 2: feel guilty.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, you will ultimately have to make the
Speaker 1: decision that gets you what you want. That right there
Speaker 1: is emotional black mail. That's emotional black mail.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I do feel that way. Sometimes I feel that
Speaker 2: I am targeted in a way that makes me feel
Speaker 2: like the bad guy or my fault because of what
Speaker 2: I want.
Speaker 1: Bad guys use toilet paper and pay taxes just like
Speaker 1: everybody else. Bad guys use toilet paper. They're not getting
Speaker 1: off without using toilet paper, and they pay taxes just
Speaker 1: like everybody else. Yeah, take responsibility. As long as you
Speaker 1: see yourself as responsible, you will know how to respond.
Speaker 1: But the first thing you have to be responsible for
Speaker 1: is yourself. I'm done love you, but this is no
Speaker 1: longer what I want. I'm not being who I want
Speaker 1: to be in this relationship.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the hardest part for me.
Speaker 1: What what's the hardest.
Speaker 2: Part being responsible? Being responsible?
Speaker 1: Okay mm hmm, Yeah, Why is that hard?
Speaker 2: I think I think it's hard because it's it's it's
Speaker 2: scary for me to be responsible because then I have
Speaker 2: to take I have to take my life into my
Speaker 2: own hands. That that makes sense, And that's scary.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it is because you might mess it up
Speaker 1: exactly and you might not and you might not. I'm
Speaker 1: going to take a stab here, and trust me when
Speaker 1: I tell you, I am so willing to be wrong.
Speaker 1: I am so willing to be wrong. But I can
Speaker 1: almost hear that your female caregiver, I don't know if
Speaker 1: it was your mom or whoever raised you, the primary
Speaker 1: female caregiver made you emotionally responsible for their feelings and
Speaker 1: their response. You make me feel okay, I know it.
Speaker 1: It's right there. Made you emotionally responsible for her. So
Speaker 1: that is a pattern that you are living in. You
Speaker 1: are not emotionally responsible for your partner's feelings. You are
Speaker 1: responsible for your behavior and your choices and your decisions
Speaker 1: and how they impact the person. But it's the person's
Speaker 1: responsibility to navigate that. But how they're going to feel
Speaker 1: and what they're going to feel, and when they feel it,
Speaker 1: and how they feel it, and how deep they feel
Speaker 1: it and how long they that's not your responsibility. You
Speaker 1: learn that very young.
Speaker 2: I did all by myself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, beloved. Breaking up is hard to do.
Speaker 1: Breaking up is hard to do, and it requires a
Speaker 1: level of personal integrity and responsibility and courage, first to
Speaker 1: yourself and then to your partner, particularly when it's someone
Speaker 1: you love, because you don't want that person to hurt
Speaker 1: as a result of your choice. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2: That is very accurate.
Speaker 1: But here's a hardcore decision that you have to make
Speaker 1: when it comes to hurting. If the choice is between
Speaker 1: you and me, I'm going to vote you be hurt,
Speaker 1: not me. You got to vote for you. You got
Speaker 1: to vote for you.
Speaker 2: But I think I'm starting to realize that in the
Speaker 2: time that we've been together, how I took a step
Speaker 2: back from voting for myself.
Speaker 3: M m. And now, now, what's.
Speaker 1: The good part about leaving this relationship? What's the good
Speaker 1: part about leaving this relationship?
Speaker 2: The good part for me is that I can start
Speaker 2: over mm hmm and make better choices.
Speaker 1: Mmmm. Because now you're aware that you've made some poor
Speaker 1: choices and you want to make better ones.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I'm also aware of how I communicate and
Speaker 2: it can be done better, and I want to do
Speaker 2: it better.
Speaker 1: So was that the major challenge in this relationship is communication?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Well, what I would offer you is speak with fewer words.
Speaker 1: I'm done, love you, but I'm done. Maybe this can
Speaker 1: be fixed, but it's not what I want. I'm done.
Speaker 1: I'm done.
Speaker 2: How do I navigate my partner or anyone else's reactions?
Speaker 1: Why do you have to navigate their reaction?
Speaker 2: I guess I don't.
Speaker 1: I guess you don't. But you don't have an exit plan.
Speaker 1: You can't say the relationship's over done. I'm leaving and
Speaker 1: not have an exit plan. What's your extra strategy? Are
Speaker 1: you going to move out in three weeks? So? Do
Speaker 1: y'all have a house to sell? Is their property involved?
Speaker 1: Are their children? You got a dog? Who's getting a fish?
Speaker 1: Whose plates are they? Whose pots are they? What? Let's
Speaker 1: start dividing this stuff up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think I'm also scared because I feel
Speaker 2: like that will be my responsibility to make all of
Speaker 2: that happen.
Speaker 1: Well, then you take what you want. Is the property involved?
Speaker 2: There is? We have a house, but the house should
Speaker 2: in my name?
Speaker 1: Oh okay? Do you want the house?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: So that means the partner has to leave? Is that accurate?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 2: And when you have two dogs? We have no kids?
Speaker 1: Because I'm glad y'all don't have no kids, because I'd
Speaker 1: have to ask you where did you get them? If
Speaker 1: one of y'all had a baby, I'd stay in this
Speaker 1: marriage and make billions of dollars. Okay, And you are
Speaker 1: legally married? We are? Have you filed for divorce?
Speaker 2: I have not. I just told him two days ago.
Speaker 1: Okay, are you ready to file the legal papers for divorce?
Speaker 2: I'm ready?
Speaker 1: Okay, So what is what is that going to take.
Speaker 2: Me walking to the office and just filing them?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 2: And not?
Speaker 3: You know not.
Speaker 2: I think my biggest concern is not being afraid of
Speaker 2: his reaction and like letting that shake me and making
Speaker 2: me draw my line in the sand and backing up.
Speaker 2: I want to fand firm in my decision.
Speaker 1: What you have to do is you have to create
Speaker 1: it and act it out in your head over and
Speaker 1: over and over until you can stand in it.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: So we know you want the house, so he's going
Speaker 1: to have to move. He has to move because it's
Speaker 1: your house.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: How much time are you willing to give him to move?
Speaker 2: Next? Month?
Speaker 3: A year?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: What about the dogs?
Speaker 2: I'll keep the dogs.
Speaker 1: Well, suppose he wants one, he can take what less
Speaker 1: for me? He wants both of them them? Okay, dogs
Speaker 1: can be split. Yeah, all right? What else do you have?
Speaker 1: You have a car? He has a car. It's a
Speaker 1: car in your name. His name car is in his name.
Speaker 2: My car is in my name.
Speaker 1: Okay, good, So that's that you work. He works? Is
Speaker 1: there going to be anything about financial support.
Speaker 2: There will be because we do have some combined debt together,
Speaker 2: and I'm I've already kind of made a plan on
Speaker 2: how to.
Speaker 1: Pay Okay, so combined debt. You understand how you're going
Speaker 1: to pay your portion? Yeah, you know, so you can
Speaker 1: start squirreling that away. What else? Furniture, pots, dishes?
Speaker 2: I'll probably keep the all.
Speaker 1: Okay. So when he says to you he'll never leave you,
Speaker 1: you're going to have to be the one that leaves.
Speaker 1: Are you clear about what he means about that?
Speaker 3: I'm not?
Speaker 2: And That's why that's where I struggle, because I'm not.
Speaker 2: I'm not clear.
Speaker 1: Have you asked what do you mean by that?
Speaker 2: Yes? And he's told me that beex won't make us
Speaker 2: make the relationship break up, and that because he loves
Speaker 2: me so much, he'll he's in it to stay to
Speaker 2: the end, and that he does it.
Speaker 1: Well, this is the end. Yeah, this is the end.
Speaker 1: Are y'all still I want to say cohabitating, but like
Speaker 1: do you share bedroom and that kind of stuff?
Speaker 2: We do? We still are. I told him the other
Speaker 2: day that, you know, if he wanted, you know, he
Speaker 2: didn't have to figure out who to stay with or
Speaker 2: where to go. He could stay in the other guest
Speaker 2: bedroom until we could work through like the finances and
Speaker 2: the dog and everything else.
Speaker 1: And his response he didn't.
Speaker 2: Want to stay, so he stayed with friends.
Speaker 1: Okay, so he's out of the house.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but he's been coming and going so far.
Speaker 1: Why didn't you change the locks? WHOA Okay, you either
Speaker 1: you serious or you're not. Yeah, either you're serious or
Speaker 1: you're not. Because if you don't draw your line in
Speaker 1: the sand, and if you don't let him know, I'm done.
Speaker 1: I'm serious. We got to move this thing forward. I'm
Speaker 1: not going to spend another twelve years trying to break
Speaker 1: up with you.
Speaker 2: And and I think because I am so scared of
Speaker 2: doing that. I am serious, But I'm also very scared.
Speaker 1: Scared of what, scared of what beloved.
Speaker 2: The unknown, doing it alone, facing the reality that.
Speaker 1: See, you're running from the future. Come to this right
Speaker 1: now moment, in this right now moment. What are you
Speaker 1: afraid of in this right now moment, right here, right now,
Speaker 1: talking to me in the car, looking at the tree.
Speaker 1: When you're done, what are you afraid of in this moment?
Speaker 2: What's next?
Speaker 1: Another moment?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
Speaker 1: You're afraid of another moment. Okay, so stay stuck.
Speaker 2: Something, Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1: That's what that's the other choice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that I can just say stuck.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can stay stuck. Kind of costly, very stress inducing,
Speaker 1: you know, just stay stuck. You can.
Speaker 2: And that's not what I want.
Speaker 1: Well it must be, because that's what you're doing. So
Speaker 1: let me run some things back by you and let's see.
Speaker 1: Let's see where there's a potential for us to work through.
Speaker 1: You're done. Twelve years in, made some mistakes, didn't always
Speaker 1: communicate well, made some poor choices, bad decision, but you're done.
Speaker 1: May be your fault, but you're done. This relationship may
Speaker 1: be able to be healed, but you're done. Who you
Speaker 1: are in this relationship is not who you want to be,
Speaker 1: and you're done, and your partner is very upset about it,
Speaker 1: and you're done.
Speaker 2: That's accurate.
Speaker 1: So what there gives rise to any fear.
Speaker 2: The rise to fear is running toward my future.
Speaker 1: And you've got some guilt and shame about some things
Speaker 1: in the relationship and you're done, and your partner's blaming you,
Speaker 1: and you're done, and your partner is not happy about
Speaker 1: the end of the relationship. And you're done, and you're done,
Speaker 1: and I'm done and afraid to what's next? And you're done, done, done, done,
Speaker 1: and it's hard and you're done. The question becomes, are
Speaker 1: you willing? Are you willing? I'm willing, willing to be afraid,
Speaker 1: willing to make him upset, willing for him to be hurt,
Speaker 1: willing for him to be angry, willing for this to
Speaker 1: be difficult.
Speaker 2: I'm done, Okay, Yeah, yeah, I just have to be willing,
Speaker 2: and I'm willing. I don't know if I'm ready, but
Speaker 2: I'm at least willing.
Speaker 1: Well, you can't do it if you're not ready. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: You know, when I talk about done DNE, it's an
Speaker 1: acronym for disciplined ownership that neutralizes experts. Disciplined ownership neutralizes expectations.
Speaker 1: And there's a part of you that expects this to
Speaker 1: be hard, and there's a part of you that expects
Speaker 1: him to overreact, a part of you that expects you
Speaker 1: to be lost and floundering. There's a part of you
Speaker 1: worrying about what will happen next year. There's a part
Speaker 1: of you, and you've got to discipline your mind to
Speaker 1: own your part, own what you've done. Maybe it is
Speaker 1: your fault that the relationship is breaking up and you're done.
Speaker 1: You have a right to change your mind. You have
Speaker 1: a right to be different today than you were twelve
Speaker 1: years ago, and you have to discipline your mind and
Speaker 1: own it. Yeah. I didn't always speak right now. I
Speaker 1: was selfish, and I did force my way and I
Speaker 1: did whatever. But if you can get that disciplined ownership
Speaker 1: without beating yourself up or beating yourself down, it'll neutralize
Speaker 1: all of the these awful expectations you have. Breaking up
Speaker 1: is hard, but it does. It's not insurmountable. Okay, done,
Speaker 1: and I've got a discipline ownership in my mind. That's
Speaker 1: gonna neutralize everybody's expectations. People won't like me and I'm done.
Speaker 1: People are gonna be mad at me and I'm done.
Speaker 1: It's not my responsibility to navigate his feelings. I'm done.
Speaker 1: I can only handle myself because I'm done.
Speaker 3: You realize some of the mistakes you made in relation
Speaker 3: to when you were married.
Speaker 1: Yeah, in my case, our relationship could not be healed.
Speaker 1: After that divorce, I learned a lot about myself. I
Speaker 1: learned a lot about relationships. And this may be true
Speaker 1: for you, may not be true for you. We love
Speaker 1: each other dearly, We really do still to this very day.
Speaker 1: We're still great friends, to this very day. Took about
Speaker 1: three years for us to get there. We love each other,
Speaker 1: but we are not good together. It's not good for him,
Speaker 1: it's not good for me. Who I am is not
Speaker 1: good for him. Who he is is not good for me.
Speaker 1: And what we discovered is we didn't know that we
Speaker 1: could love each other and not be together. We didn't
Speaker 1: know that. And once we realized that, you know, he's remarried,
Speaker 1: and he lets his wife know. She knows he loves me,
Speaker 1: will always love me. And when I was repartnered, my
Speaker 1: partner knew, I love this man. I will love him
Speaker 1: until I take my last breath. I choose to be
Speaker 1: with you, and I love you. But you got to know,
Speaker 1: this man holds a place in my heart. But we
Speaker 1: were not good together, not at all. And sometimes we
Speaker 1: think because we love somebody that we have to be
Speaker 1: with them, and that's not true. You don't have to
Speaker 1: stop loving him. He doesn't have to stop loving you,
Speaker 1: but the relationship the way it is is no longer conducive.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
Speaker 3: That makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 1: Are you all good together?
Speaker 3: We're not our best? No? No?
Speaker 1: Okay, well that's it, and you don't have to be disciplined.
Speaker 1: Ownership neutralizes expectations. Own your stuff.
Speaker 3: But that's what I will do.
Speaker 1: And make your exit plan. Yeah, you got to make
Speaker 1: your exit plan and again write it out. Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: going to keep the house. We can split the dogs.
Speaker 1: I have a way to pay the combined debt. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm not moving. He's gonna have to move. How long
Speaker 1: does he need to move? And make it conducive to you?
Speaker 1: A year is a long time. I wouldn't be given
Speaker 1: no year. That's just me. I'm hardcore.
Speaker 2: I'm from Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: You sleep on somebody, yes, sleep on somebody's couch until
Speaker 1: you find a place to live. Now, it ain't my responsibility.
Speaker 1: And if it comes that he moves back into the house,
Speaker 1: into the guest room, because you're not gonna be in
Speaker 1: the guest room in your house. He's got to go
Speaker 1: in the guest room or not at all, and change
Speaker 1: the locks, not just coming and going and no no, no.
Speaker 3: No, Yeah, it's gonna require me to take ownership.
Speaker 1: Yes, very good, And that's what you talk to your
Speaker 1: therapist about. What do I need to own here so
Speaker 1: that I can move out of the shame and guilt
Speaker 1: and make this easier for both of us.
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm writing my down and I will.
Speaker 1: And yeah, and somebody who loves you, really really loves you,
Speaker 1: wants the best for you, would be willing to let
Speaker 1: you go ooh, even if it means they can't have you.
Speaker 3: And sometimes I feel like he's not willing to let
Speaker 3: me go.
Speaker 2: I want him to let me go.
Speaker 1: He doesn't love you, then making his needs more important
Speaker 1: than yours. Yeah, you know there's a saying I don't
Speaker 1: remember it because i'm old, something about if you have
Speaker 1: something in your hands and you think it's yours, let
Speaker 1: it go and if it comes back to you, you
Speaker 1: know it was really yours. And if it doesn't, then
Speaker 1: you know, Yeah, if he really really loved you, if
Speaker 1: he really loved himself, he'd let you go. Because I
Speaker 1: don't want somebody who don't want me. I will not
Speaker 1: let myself want somebody who does not want me. So
Speaker 1: if he loved himself, he would let you go. And
Speaker 1: if he doesn't love himself, there's no way he can
Speaker 1: love you. I know this is hard and it's tragic
Speaker 1: and the you know, the fairy tale is over and
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, we got to split up the dogs
Speaker 1: and all of that. But if he loved you, he'd
Speaker 1: let you go.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you.
Speaker 1: What do you know now that you didn't know when
Speaker 1: you first called me? What do you know now?
Speaker 3: I know now that I'm not responsible for someone else's feelings. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and I know now that I can do anything, and
Speaker 3: I know now that it will be hard, but it
Speaker 3: can be done.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: How about do you know I'm done until you know
Speaker 1: that you're going to keep wavering back and forth? Do
Speaker 1: you know that you are done with this relationship?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: So own that. Let me hear that I'm done.
Speaker 3: I am done.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm done. I'm done. Even though this relationship may
Speaker 1: be able to be healed, I'm done.
Speaker 3: Yeah, even if it can be healed, I'm done.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 1: I wish you the best, my love, And like I said,
Speaker 1: play it out in your head and work through all
Speaker 1: of the feelings first before you you know, make any
Speaker 1: loud pronouncements or whatever. Create your exit strategy, create your
Speaker 1: extra strategy before you try to speak about it. Be
Speaker 1: clear about it so that when it comes out, it's clear.
Speaker 3: Okay, I will do that, ok.
Speaker 1: Okay, my love, let me know how you make out. Okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: thank you, all right, my love, Bye bye. Well, when
Speaker 1: one person wants out and the other one doesn't, there
Speaker 1: is a high propensity to do. Emotional black man, if
Speaker 1: you had done this, then we wouldn't have this. And
Speaker 1: if you would only do this, we could do this.
Speaker 1: And look what you're doing to me, and I've wasted
Speaker 1: all of this time. I don't you know. Whatever the
Speaker 1: story is, and they may feel that way, and that's
Speaker 1: their right to feel that way, but it is not
Speaker 1: your responsibility to change how they feel. Your responsibility is
Speaker 1: just to acknowledge that you heard how they feel and
Speaker 1: keep on moving. You can't change how anybody else feels,
Speaker 1: and their experience is their experience. You know, I was married.
Speaker 1: I married the same man twice, and I was married
Speaker 1: the second time, first time seven years, second time five years,
Speaker 1: and in five years when we were breaking up, it
Speaker 1: was me, you know, to him, it was me. It
Speaker 1: was me, I did this, I did that, I did this,
Speaker 1: and I didn't do this, and I didn't do that,
Speaker 1: and budh and I was like, you're out of your
Speaker 1: ever loving mind. You must have bumped your head somewhere.
Speaker 1: Five years out of the marriage, I looked back and
Speaker 1: I said, oh my god, it was me. I was horrible.
Speaker 1: And I had to own that. I had to own
Speaker 1: it the things that I became aware of about how
Speaker 1: I could have done better but didn't, what I could
Speaker 1: have said better and didn't, and how I could have
Speaker 1: been better and wasn't. I had to own that, not
Speaker 1: for him but for me, so that I didn't take
Speaker 1: that mess into the next relationship or forward into my life.
Speaker 1: But in it, you know when he was dumping it
Speaker 1: on me, and you know, I was trying to convince
Speaker 1: him that he was wrong about how horrible I was.
Speaker 1: I was taking responsibility for how he was feeling. But
Speaker 1: when I got down to the core of it, he
Speaker 1: may feel that way and it may be valid and truthful,
Speaker 1: but you don't have to navigate that. That's not your responsibility.
Speaker 1: Here's your responsibility. I'm done, I'm out. Here's my exit plan.
Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone And if
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.