1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:06,120
Speaker 1: I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher

2
00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,280
Speaker 1: for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.

3
00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:14,360
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until

4
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,959
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my

5
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,360
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the r Spot, a

6
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:39,239
Speaker 1: production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. There was

7
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:44,600
Speaker 1: a song, I think it was in the seventies or

8
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:49,239
Speaker 1: the eighties, Oh my god, I'm dating myself, and the

9
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:55,240
Speaker 1: song was breaking up. It's hard to do when you

10
00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:01,760
Speaker 1: really loved someone. Breaking up is really hard to do

11
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:07,800
Speaker 1: when you love someone more than you love yourself, because

12
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:13,480
Speaker 1: if yourself wants to leave the relationship and their self

13
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,000
Speaker 1: wants you to stay, breaking up is gonna be really

14
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:22,600
Speaker 1: hard to do. You've got to love yourself enough to

15
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:28,280
Speaker 1: be able to stand in and four what's best for you,

16
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:31,399
Speaker 1: even though breaking up is hard to do, and it's

17
00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:35,280
Speaker 1: even harder when we love somebody. But we know this

18
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,520
Speaker 1: just isn't working. I don't know why that's not enough,

19
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:43,560
Speaker 1: this ain't working. I love you, I love your dirty draws,

20
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,920
Speaker 1: but this ain't working. It's not working for me, it's

21
00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:52,639
Speaker 1: not working for you. We are sad, happy, sometimes sad.

22
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:56,520
Speaker 1: Most of the time. It's not working and breaking up

23
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,200
Speaker 1: is hard to do, but I'm willing to do the

24
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,280
Speaker 1: work to break up so that I can have what

25
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:07,040
Speaker 1: I need. Breaking Up is hard to do, and I

26
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,520
Speaker 1: don't know how we got here, and it's hard, and

27
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,760
Speaker 1: I don't like it, and you don't like it. But

28
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:16,480
Speaker 1: I'm done. Those two words, I'm done, and the other

29
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:21,639
Speaker 1: two words that are really really important in the midst

30
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:28,000
Speaker 1: of a breakups exit strategy. I'm done and I'm getting

31
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:32,520
Speaker 1: my exit strategy. That's the focus of my conversation with

32
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:39,280
Speaker 1: my caller today. Take a listen. Thank you for calling

33
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,200
Speaker 1: the art spot. How may I support you today? What

34
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,040
Speaker 1: is your relationship challenge, issue or dilemma?

35
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:50,200
Speaker 2: Good afternoon, he almost thanks for having me on. My

36
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:55,200
Speaker 2: issue challenging dilemma is that I'm at an impasse in

37
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:59,520
Speaker 2: my current relationship. I recently told my partner that I

38
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,640
Speaker 2: didn't want want to participate in the marriage and wanted

39
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:07,160
Speaker 2: a divorce, and now we are at an impass of

40
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,359
Speaker 2: circular conversations about how we share feelings with one another.

41
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,000
Speaker 2: And I was told that I'm the bad guy and

42
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:20,800
Speaker 2: that I have ruined our relationship and it hurts, and

43
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,200
Speaker 2: I'm not sure how to move forward through the.

44
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,160
Speaker 3: Process of us not being together anymore.

45
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,880
Speaker 1: Okay, so you are going to go forward with the

46
00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,400
Speaker 1: dissolution of the relationship. Is that accurate?

47
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,760
Speaker 2: Yes? I do, he does not?

48
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,920
Speaker 1: He does not. No, do you want to end the relationship?

49
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,080
Speaker 1: Is that what you want? Or is it that you

50
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,640
Speaker 1: just don't know how to stay in the state that

51
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:45,080
Speaker 1: it's in.

52
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,640
Speaker 2: I think it's a mix of both. I think through

53
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:53,440
Speaker 2: therapy and through my own work, I've realized that I've

54
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,520
Speaker 2: been in the same circular conversation with myself and my

55
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,800
Speaker 2: therapist about leaving or staying or coming and going, and

56
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:06,440
Speaker 2: I am tired of complaining about it and living unhappily

57
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,040
Speaker 2: and I'd rather just make a decision and move forward.

58
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:14,160
Speaker 1: Alrighty, So you're at it, impass. I don't know why

59
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:18,840
Speaker 1: if you've made the decision to leave the relationship, do

60
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,159
Speaker 1: you have your exit plan?

61
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:22,240
Speaker 2: No?

62
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:23,440
Speaker 1: Oh? Why not?

63
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:28,960
Speaker 2: I think a little bit of fear. I mean, it

64
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,400
Speaker 2: took it took me two years just to finally let

65
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,440
Speaker 2: him know that I was ready to make that decision,

66
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:40,400
Speaker 2: and I think I was shocked and hearing how hearing

67
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,880
Speaker 2: that to him. No matter what we go through, no

68
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:48,279
Speaker 2: matter no matter how we operate as a couple, he

69
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,800
Speaker 2: will never leave me, and I will be the one

70
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,160
Speaker 2: that has to leave him.

71
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:55,880
Speaker 1: All right, So let me ask this. Do you believe

72
00:04:56,839 --> 00:05:02,040
Speaker 1: that the relationship can be healed? Okay? Well, that's it.

73
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:07,240
Speaker 1: Do are you willing to stand in that awareness? I

74
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,200
Speaker 1: don't believe this relationship can be healed.

75
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:11,880
Speaker 2: Now that I don't know.

76
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:13,760
Speaker 1: Are you willing to stand in that?

77
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,680
Speaker 2: I'm not sure. I'm getting I'm feeling more comfortable and

78
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,320
Speaker 2: more aware that that's the place that I will need

79
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:21,719
Speaker 2: to stand. But it's it's.

80
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,479
Speaker 1: Very hard, and it's why is it hard?

81
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:31,080
Speaker 2: It's hard because I have to acknowledge my own part

82
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,600
Speaker 2: in the relationship and I have to deal with what

83
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,839
Speaker 2: those consequences will look like for me.

84
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,560
Speaker 1: Okay, I want you to come present to this right now, moment,

85
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:45,279
Speaker 1: right here, right now with me, right now, right here.

86
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,680
Speaker 1: What color is the room that you're in? Are you

87
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,719
Speaker 1: in a room? What color is the paint on the walls?

88
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,520
Speaker 2: I'm sitting in the car and the cars Inside the

89
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,520
Speaker 2: car is great.

90
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,040
Speaker 1: Okay, Inside the car is grey? All right? What color

91
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:56,640
Speaker 1: is the car?

92
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:57,960
Speaker 2: Car is white?

93
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,200
Speaker 1: Okay? What's right in front of you? Look right out

94
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,360
Speaker 1: the windshield and tell me what is in front of you.

95
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:04,839
Speaker 2: There's two trees in front of me.

96
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,520
Speaker 1: Oh goody. Trees are wonderful. There are signs of strength.

97
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:12,640
Speaker 1: Take a breath. I want you to come right here,

98
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:17,480
Speaker 1: right now, because your conversation sounds like you're running from

99
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:21,840
Speaker 1: the past and afraid to run into the future. And

100
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,360
Speaker 1: you don't have to do either one of those. You

101
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:28,560
Speaker 1: got to be right here, right now, and let's look

102
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:34,080
Speaker 1: at this. Let's look at the belief that the relationship

103
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:42,279
Speaker 1: cannot be healed, fixed, changed. Is that a truth for you? No,

104
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:47,040
Speaker 1: it's not. So you do believe that the relationship can

105
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,560
Speaker 1: be fixed, heel changed?

106
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:50,040
Speaker 2: Yeah?

107
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:55,279
Speaker 1: Is that what you want? Do you want this relationship

108
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,880
Speaker 1: to be fixed, heeled, changed, whatever it is? So that

109
00:06:59,080 --> 00:06:59,680
Speaker 1: is livable?

110
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:01,120
Speaker 2: No?

111
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:10,040
Speaker 1: Okay, So now you you confused because if you believe

112
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,480
Speaker 1: that the relationship can be fixed, heeled or changed, that's

113
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,480
Speaker 1: one thing. But that's not what you want. So you

114
00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:22,080
Speaker 1: want out for whatever reason? Correct you want out?

115
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:27,480
Speaker 2: Yeah? I do. I want out, And I teeter back

116
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,840
Speaker 2: and forth, knowing good and well what i want and

117
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:30,640
Speaker 2: I'm scared.

118
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:35,440
Speaker 1: No, you know what you want? You just haven't learned

119
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,520
Speaker 1: how to stand in it. So I'm gonna I'm gonna

120
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,480
Speaker 1: make it real simple for you. Because sometimes when you're

121
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,960
Speaker 1: running from the past and afraid of the future, you

122
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:48,080
Speaker 1: can't come present to right here, right now, it's hard

123
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,080
Speaker 1: to own your truth. So we're gonna own your truth,

124
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,560
Speaker 1: right Okay? Can we do that?

125
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:53,280
Speaker 2: Yes?

126
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,480
Speaker 1: Okay. So you're in the gray interior of a white

127
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,000
Speaker 1: car and there's a tree right in front of you.

128
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,200
Speaker 1: Focus on that tree. Focus on that tree. Just look

129
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,880
Speaker 1: at that tree. Does it have any leaves on it?

130
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,000
Speaker 1: Is it a pine tree? Oh? You know what kind

131
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,800
Speaker 1: of tree? Doesn't have any leaves on it?

132
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,120
Speaker 2: It's like a pine tree.

133
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:16,240
Speaker 1: Okay, So it does have leaves, Yeah, a pint those

134
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:21,400
Speaker 1: spruicy things, I don't know what you call them, needles? Needles? Okay, boy,

135
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,360
Speaker 1: you would have to be looking at a tree full

136
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:29,320
Speaker 1: of needles right now. Boy, you like to make things

137
00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:32,280
Speaker 1: harder than they need to be, don't you. Okay, Focus

138
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:37,280
Speaker 1: on that tree. Focus on that tree, okay, okay, And

139
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:42,000
Speaker 1: I want you to see feel imagine that your partner

140
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,600
Speaker 1: is standing in front of that tree. You know what

141
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,960
Speaker 1: your partner looks like. Is it a he or she

142
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:54,720
Speaker 1: your partner. Okay, he's standing in front of that tree.

143
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:58,800
Speaker 1: I want you to see him dressed nicely, you know,

144
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,240
Speaker 1: not slop around the house and sweat so pajamas. But

145
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:05,960
Speaker 1: see him dressed nicely. Right, tell me what he has on.

146
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:13,240
Speaker 2: He's wearing a purple and white like schlowy smock with

147
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,120
Speaker 2: white pans and a purple shirt.

148
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,439
Speaker 1: Okay, good. Does he look nice?

149
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:18,680
Speaker 2: Yeah? He looks great.

150
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:23,439
Speaker 1: Okay, good. Take a breath, focus on him in that tree,

151
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:26,000
Speaker 1: and I want you to say this with me. Okay,

152
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,040
Speaker 1: I'm done.

153
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:28,560
Speaker 2: I'm done.

154
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:33,680
Speaker 1: I'm done. Tell him again, I'm done. Breathe, yeah, say

155
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,400
Speaker 1: it again. See him in that purple shirt. I'm done.

156
00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:37,319
Speaker 2: I'm done.

157
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,520
Speaker 1: Okay, what's happening? Yeah, I'm done. Where do you feel

158
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:42,600
Speaker 1: that in your body?

159
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,240
Speaker 2: Like in the middle near my heart?

160
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:49,320
Speaker 1: Okay, good, look at him again in the tree. Look

161
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:53,720
Speaker 1: at him in the in the tree. Say this with me.

162
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:59,400
Speaker 1: No right, no right, no wrong, no wrong. I'm done.

163
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:00,600
Speaker 2: I'm done.

164
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,600
Speaker 1: Love you and I'm done.

165
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:04,880
Speaker 2: Love you when i'm done.

166
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,319
Speaker 1: Done. Come on, say it. I'm done.

167
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,040
Speaker 2: I'm done. I'm done.

168
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've changed my mind.

169
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,800
Speaker 2: I've changed my mind.

170
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,880
Speaker 1: This is no longer what I want.

171
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,280
Speaker 2: This is no longer what I want.

172
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,360
Speaker 1: And I'm not who I want to.

173
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:27,080
Speaker 2: Be and I'm not who I want to be when.

174
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,559
Speaker 1: I'm with you. When I'm with you, I'm done.

175
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:33,559
Speaker 2: I'm done.

176
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,400
Speaker 1: Now, take take a breath and close your eyes and

177
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,960
Speaker 1: let him go. No heat, no upset, no anger, no fighting,

178
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:46,319
Speaker 1: no conversation. I'm done. And tell me what comes up

179
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,640
Speaker 1: for you? Having said that and seen that and experienced that.

180
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:55,760
Speaker 2: Here is the first thing that comes up. And holding

181
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,160
Speaker 2: myself accountable is the next thing that comes up. What

182
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:03,760
Speaker 2: does that mean that knowing what I don't want, I

183
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,040
Speaker 2: have to go after what I want.

184
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,280
Speaker 1: What do you mean holding yourself accountable?

185
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:18,000
Speaker 2: I guess because I have felt like I have done

186
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:22,040
Speaker 2: some things wrong in the relationship, and I don't I

187
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,760
Speaker 2: want to make sure that for myself, I did everything

188
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,640
Speaker 2: I needed to do for this relationship.

189
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,600
Speaker 1: How old is this relationship? How old is it? How

190
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:32,640
Speaker 1: long have you been in it?

191
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:33,800
Speaker 2: Twelve years?

192
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:41,000
Speaker 1: Whoa are you today? Who you were twelve years ago?

193
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:41,520
Speaker 2: No?

194
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:46,839
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you may have done some things that were

195
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:50,520
Speaker 1: less than loving, less than supportive, less than self loving,

196
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,520
Speaker 1: less than self supportive, but you did what you did

197
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,280
Speaker 1: based on who you were and the information you had

198
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:02,160
Speaker 1: at the time. Let me say that you did what

199
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:06,479
Speaker 1: you did based on who you were and the information

200
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:11,719
Speaker 1: you had at the time, and now you have new information,

201
00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:18,479
Speaker 1: and that information is even though you believe this relationship

202
00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:22,760
Speaker 1: can be healed, it is no longer what you want

203
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:28,920
Speaker 1: for yourself. Period. Even though this relationship may be healed,

204
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,640
Speaker 1: it's no longer what I want. Is that accurate?

205
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,280
Speaker 2: That is very accurate.

206
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,640
Speaker 1: So why can't you stand in that? Are you willing

207
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,760
Speaker 1: to stand in that? Let me not ask you why?

208
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,839
Speaker 1: Why is a question that can never be answered. Are

209
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:49,560
Speaker 1: you willing to stand in that? I am alrighty, we'll

210
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:58,920
Speaker 1: talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to

211
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:03,640
Speaker 1: the hard spot. We are continuing our conversation about breaking up,

212
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:08,200
Speaker 1: leaving a relationship. So talk to me about guilt and shame.

213
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,160
Speaker 2: I have a lot of guilt and shame because hearing

214
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:17,000
Speaker 2: from my partner that I will ultimately have to make

215
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,640
Speaker 2: the decision that will in the relationship that makes me

216
00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:21,240
Speaker 2: feel guilty.

217
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:26,679
Speaker 1: No, no, no, you will ultimately have to make the

218
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:31,880
Speaker 1: decision that gets you what you want. That right there

219
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:36,840
Speaker 1: is emotional black mail. That's emotional black mail.

220
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, I do feel that way. Sometimes I feel that

221
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,240
Speaker 2: I am targeted in a way that makes me feel

222
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,280
Speaker 2: like the bad guy or my fault because of what

223
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:46,880
Speaker 2: I want.

224
00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:51,360
Speaker 1: Bad guys use toilet paper and pay taxes just like

225
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:56,520
Speaker 1: everybody else. Bad guys use toilet paper. They're not getting

226
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,600
Speaker 1: off without using toilet paper, and they pay taxes just

227
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:05,600
Speaker 1: like everybody else. Yeah, take responsibility. As long as you

228
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:10,319
Speaker 1: see yourself as responsible, you will know how to respond.

229
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,360
Speaker 1: But the first thing you have to be responsible for

230
00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:18,600
Speaker 1: is yourself. I'm done love you, but this is no

231
00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:23,080
Speaker 1: longer what I want. I'm not being who I want

232
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,720
Speaker 1: to be in this relationship.

233
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the hardest part for me.

234
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,400
Speaker 1: What what's the hardest.

235
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,480
Speaker 2: Part being responsible? Being responsible?

236
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:40,440
Speaker 1: Okay mm hmm, Yeah, Why is that hard?

237
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,800
Speaker 2: I think I think it's hard because it's it's it's

238
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:48,560
Speaker 2: scary for me to be responsible because then I have

239
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,120
Speaker 2: to take I have to take my life into my

240
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,360
Speaker 2: own hands. That that makes sense, And that's scary.

241
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it is because you might mess it up

242
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:10,720
Speaker 1: exactly and you might not and you might not. I'm

243
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:14,200
Speaker 1: going to take a stab here, and trust me when

244
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:18,000
Speaker 1: I tell you, I am so willing to be wrong.

245
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:25,840
Speaker 1: I am so willing to be wrong. But I can

246
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:31,840
Speaker 1: almost hear that your female caregiver, I don't know if

247
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,520
Speaker 1: it was your mom or whoever raised you, the primary

248
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:42,520
Speaker 1: female caregiver made you emotionally responsible for their feelings and

249
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:47,280
Speaker 1: their response. You make me feel okay, I know it.

250
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:53,480
Speaker 1: It's right there. Made you emotionally responsible for her. So

251
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:57,040
Speaker 1: that is a pattern that you are living in. You

252
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:03,760
Speaker 1: are not emotionally responsible for your partner's feelings. You are

253
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:09,160
Speaker 1: responsible for your behavior and your choices and your decisions

254
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:13,720
Speaker 1: and how they impact the person. But it's the person's

255
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:18,680
Speaker 1: responsibility to navigate that. But how they're going to feel

256
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,280
Speaker 1: and what they're going to feel, and when they feel it,

257
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,640
Speaker 1: and how they feel it, and how deep they feel

258
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,840
Speaker 1: it and how long they that's not your responsibility. You

259
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,160
Speaker 1: learn that very young.

260
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,400
Speaker 2: I did all by myself.

261
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:35,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, beloved. Breaking up is hard to do.

262
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:40,440
Speaker 1: Breaking up is hard to do, and it requires a

263
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:50,240
Speaker 1: level of personal integrity and responsibility and courage, first to

264
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:56,480
Speaker 1: yourself and then to your partner, particularly when it's someone

265
00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:01,240
Speaker 1: you love, because you don't want that person to hurt

266
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:06,760
Speaker 1: as a result of your choice. Would that be accurate?

267
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:08,520
Speaker 2: That is very accurate.

268
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:12,840
Speaker 1: But here's a hardcore decision that you have to make

269
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:18,280
Speaker 1: when it comes to hurting. If the choice is between

270
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:22,000
Speaker 1: you and me, I'm going to vote you be hurt,

271
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,520
Speaker 1: not me. You got to vote for you. You got

272
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:27,200
Speaker 1: to vote for you.

273
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,240
Speaker 2: But I think I'm starting to realize that in the

274
00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:33,680
Speaker 2: time that we've been together, how I took a step

275
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,080
Speaker 2: back from voting for myself.

276
00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:39,399
Speaker 3: M m. And now, now, what's.

277
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:43,320
Speaker 1: The good part about leaving this relationship? What's the good

278
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,000
Speaker 1: part about leaving this relationship?

279
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:50,280
Speaker 2: The good part for me is that I can start

280
00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:54,120
Speaker 2: over mm hmm and make better choices.

281
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:59,840
Speaker 1: Mmmm. Because now you're aware that you've made some poor

282
00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:02,119
Speaker 1: choices and you want to make better ones.

283
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:10,919
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I'm also aware of how I communicate and

284
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,679
Speaker 2: it can be done better, and I want to do

285
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:13,160
Speaker 2: it better.

286
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,920
Speaker 1: So was that the major challenge in this relationship is communication?

287
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:21,959
Speaker 2: Yes?

288
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:28,679
Speaker 1: Well, what I would offer you is speak with fewer words.

289
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:36,160
Speaker 1: I'm done, love you, but I'm done. Maybe this can

290
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,720
Speaker 1: be fixed, but it's not what I want. I'm done.

291
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,520
Speaker 1: I'm done.

292
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:46,440
Speaker 2: How do I navigate my partner or anyone else's reactions?

293
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,640
Speaker 1: Why do you have to navigate their reaction?

294
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:50,280
Speaker 2: I guess I don't.

295
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:56,439
Speaker 1: I guess you don't. But you don't have an exit plan.

296
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:01,280
Speaker 1: You can't say the relationship's over done. I'm leaving and

297
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,879
Speaker 1: not have an exit plan. What's your extra strategy? Are

298
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,840
Speaker 1: you going to move out in three weeks? So? Do

299
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,800
Speaker 1: y'all have a house to sell? Is their property involved?

300
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,359
Speaker 1: Are their children? You got a dog? Who's getting a fish?

301
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:16,080
Speaker 1: Whose plates are they? Whose pots are they? What? Let's

302
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,399
Speaker 1: start dividing this stuff up.

303
00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:21,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think I'm also scared because I feel

304
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:25,000
Speaker 2: like that will be my responsibility to make all of

305
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:25,560
Speaker 2: that happen.

306
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:30,440
Speaker 1: Well, then you take what you want. Is the property involved?

307
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,800
Speaker 2: There is? We have a house, but the house should

308
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:33,360
Speaker 2: in my name?

309
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,359
Speaker 1: Oh okay? Do you want the house?

310
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:37,520
Speaker 2: Yes?

311
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,960
Speaker 1: So that means the partner has to leave? Is that accurate?

312
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:41,600
Speaker 2: Yes?

313
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:42,600
Speaker 1: Okay?

314
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,240
Speaker 2: And when you have two dogs? We have no kids?

315
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,359
Speaker 1: Because I'm glad y'all don't have no kids, because I'd

316
00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:49,439
Speaker 1: have to ask you where did you get them? If

317
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,000
Speaker 1: one of y'all had a baby, I'd stay in this

318
00:19:52,119 --> 00:20:01,800
Speaker 1: marriage and make billions of dollars. Okay, And you are

319
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,640
Speaker 1: legally married? We are? Have you filed for divorce?

320
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:09,439
Speaker 2: I have not. I just told him two days ago.

321
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:14,600
Speaker 1: Okay, are you ready to file the legal papers for divorce?

322
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:16,520
Speaker 2: I'm ready?

323
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,120
Speaker 1: Okay, So what is what is that going to take.

324
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,880
Speaker 2: Me walking to the office and just filing them?

325
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:22,480
Speaker 1: Okay?

326
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:23,520
Speaker 2: And not?

327
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:24,240
Speaker 3: You know not.

328
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:30,800
Speaker 2: I think my biggest concern is not being afraid of

329
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:34,520
Speaker 2: his reaction and like letting that shake me and making

330
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,480
Speaker 2: me draw my line in the sand and backing up.

331
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:40,800
Speaker 2: I want to fand firm in my decision.

332
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,920
Speaker 1: What you have to do is you have to create

333
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,920
Speaker 1: it and act it out in your head over and

334
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,760
Speaker 1: over and over until you can stand in it.

335
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:52,199
Speaker 2: Okay.

336
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,520
Speaker 1: So we know you want the house, so he's going

337
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,000
Speaker 1: to have to move. He has to move because it's

338
00:20:58,040 --> 00:20:58,520
Speaker 1: your house.

339
00:20:58,840 --> 00:20:59,119
Speaker 2: Right.

340
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,640
Speaker 1: How much time are you willing to give him to move?

341
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:03,040
Speaker 2: Next? Month?

342
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:03,480
Speaker 3: A year?

343
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:04,400
Speaker 1: Oh?

344
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:05,680
Speaker 2: Okay?

345
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:07,879
Speaker 1: What about the dogs?

346
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,439
Speaker 2: I'll keep the dogs.

347
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:14,600
Speaker 1: Well, suppose he wants one, he can take what less

348
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:20,320
Speaker 1: for me? He wants both of them them? Okay, dogs

349
00:21:20,359 --> 00:21:23,879
Speaker 1: can be split. Yeah, all right? What else do you have?

350
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:25,879
Speaker 1: You have a car? He has a car. It's a

351
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,640
Speaker 1: car in your name. His name car is in his name.

352
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:29,680
Speaker 2: My car is in my name.

353
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:35,000
Speaker 1: Okay, good, So that's that you work. He works? Is

354
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,840
Speaker 1: there going to be anything about financial support.

355
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,199
Speaker 2: There will be because we do have some combined debt together,

356
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,479
Speaker 2: and I'm I've already kind of made a plan on

357
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,280
Speaker 2: how to.

358
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:50,159
Speaker 1: Pay Okay, so combined debt. You understand how you're going

359
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,600
Speaker 1: to pay your portion? Yeah, you know, so you can

360
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:58,040
Speaker 1: start squirreling that away. What else? Furniture, pots, dishes?

361
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:00,320
Speaker 2: I'll probably keep the all.

362
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:04,720
Speaker 1: Okay. So when he says to you he'll never leave you,

363
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,520
Speaker 1: you're going to have to be the one that leaves.

364
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:08,800
Speaker 1: Are you clear about what he means about that?

365
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:10,600
Speaker 3: I'm not?

366
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,239
Speaker 2: And That's why that's where I struggle, because I'm not.

367
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,200
Speaker 2: I'm not clear.

368
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,040
Speaker 1: Have you asked what do you mean by that?

369
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,679
Speaker 2: Yes? And he's told me that beex won't make us

370
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,000
Speaker 2: make the relationship break up, and that because he loves

371
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,040
Speaker 2: me so much, he'll he's in it to stay to

372
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:29,960
Speaker 2: the end, and that he does it.

373
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:34,680
Speaker 1: Well, this is the end. Yeah, this is the end.

374
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:39,119
Speaker 1: Are y'all still I want to say cohabitating, but like

375
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,600
Speaker 1: do you share bedroom and that kind of stuff?

376
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,600
Speaker 2: We do? We still are. I told him the other

377
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,199
Speaker 2: day that, you know, if he wanted, you know, he

378
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,920
Speaker 2: didn't have to figure out who to stay with or

379
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,040
Speaker 2: where to go. He could stay in the other guest

380
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,840
Speaker 2: bedroom until we could work through like the finances and

381
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,040
Speaker 2: the dog and everything else.

382
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,639
Speaker 1: And his response he didn't.

383
00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:01,399
Speaker 2: Want to stay, so he stayed with friends.

384
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,159
Speaker 1: Okay, so he's out of the house.

385
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, but he's been coming and going so far.

386
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:10,840
Speaker 1: Why didn't you change the locks? WHOA Okay, you either

387
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:15,320
Speaker 1: you serious or you're not. Yeah, either you're serious or

388
00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:18,840
Speaker 1: you're not. Because if you don't draw your line in

389
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,800
Speaker 1: the sand, and if you don't let him know, I'm done.

390
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,920
Speaker 1: I'm serious. We got to move this thing forward. I'm

391
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,040
Speaker 1: not going to spend another twelve years trying to break

392
00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:27,560
Speaker 1: up with you.

393
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,639
Speaker 2: And and I think because I am so scared of

394
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 2: doing that. I am serious, But I'm also very scared.

395
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:39,160
Speaker 1: Scared of what, scared of what beloved.

396
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:43,760
Speaker 2: The unknown, doing it alone, facing the reality that.

397
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,040
Speaker 1: See, you're running from the future. Come to this right

398
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,399
Speaker 1: now moment, in this right now moment. What are you

399
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,920
Speaker 1: afraid of in this right now moment, right here, right now,

400
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,639
Speaker 1: talking to me in the car, looking at the tree.

401
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,560
Speaker 1: When you're done, what are you afraid of in this moment?

402
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:01,560
Speaker 2: What's next?

403
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:02,960
Speaker 1: Another moment?

404
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:05,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

405
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:09,120
Speaker 1: You're afraid of another moment. Okay, so stay stuck.

406
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,160
Speaker 2: Something, Yeah, I mean.

407
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,320
Speaker 1: That's what that's the other choice.

408
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, that I can just say stuck.

409
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,959
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can stay stuck. Kind of costly, very stress inducing,

410
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,200
Speaker 1: you know, just stay stuck. You can.

411
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,320
Speaker 2: And that's not what I want.

412
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:36,240
Speaker 1: Well it must be, because that's what you're doing. So

413
00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:40,840
Speaker 1: let me run some things back by you and let's see.

414
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:47,160
Speaker 1: Let's see where there's a potential for us to work through.

415
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:56,040
Speaker 1: You're done. Twelve years in, made some mistakes, didn't always

416
00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:02,199
Speaker 1: communicate well, made some poor choices, bad decision, but you're done.

417
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:07,440
Speaker 1: May be your fault, but you're done. This relationship may

418
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:11,199
Speaker 1: be able to be healed, but you're done. Who you

419
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,840
Speaker 1: are in this relationship is not who you want to be,

420
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,880
Speaker 1: and you're done, and your partner is very upset about it,

421
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:18,760
Speaker 1: and you're done.

422
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:20,000
Speaker 2: That's accurate.

423
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,320
Speaker 1: So what there gives rise to any fear.

424
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:30,080
Speaker 2: The rise to fear is running toward my future.

425
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 1: And you've got some guilt and shame about some things

426
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:38,960
Speaker 1: in the relationship and you're done, and your partner's blaming you,

427
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,920
Speaker 1: and you're done, and your partner is not happy about

428
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:45,920
Speaker 1: the end of the relationship. And you're done, and you're done,

429
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:53,040
Speaker 1: and I'm done and afraid to what's next? And you're done, done, done, done,

430
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 1: and it's hard and you're done. The question becomes, are

431
00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:06,160
Speaker 1: you willing? Are you willing? I'm willing, willing to be afraid,

432
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:09,760
Speaker 1: willing to make him upset, willing for him to be hurt,

433
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 1: willing for him to be angry, willing for this to

434
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:14,399
Speaker 1: be difficult.

435
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:22,480
Speaker 2: I'm done, Okay, Yeah, yeah, I just have to be willing,

436
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,560
Speaker 2: and I'm willing. I don't know if I'm ready, but

437
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:25,480
Speaker 2: I'm at least willing.

438
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:30,680
Speaker 1: Well, you can't do it if you're not ready. Yeah,

439
00:26:31,119 --> 00:26:41,600
Speaker 1: we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back

440
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,440
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.

441
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:51,280
Speaker 1: You know, when I talk about done DNE, it's an

442
00:26:51,320 --> 00:27:07,800
Speaker 1: acronym for disciplined ownership that neutralizes experts. Disciplined ownership neutralizes expectations.

443
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,960
Speaker 1: And there's a part of you that expects this to

444
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 1: be hard, and there's a part of you that expects

445
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,919
Speaker 1: him to overreact, a part of you that expects you

446
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,119
Speaker 1: to be lost and floundering. There's a part of you

447
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:23,320
Speaker 1: worrying about what will happen next year. There's a part

448
00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:27,679
Speaker 1: of you, and you've got to discipline your mind to

449
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:31,199
Speaker 1: own your part, own what you've done. Maybe it is

450
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 1: your fault that the relationship is breaking up and you're done.

451
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,520
Speaker 1: You have a right to change your mind. You have

452
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 1: a right to be different today than you were twelve

453
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:44,280
Speaker 1: years ago, and you have to discipline your mind and

454
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 1: own it. Yeah. I didn't always speak right now. I

455
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:49,760
Speaker 1: was selfish, and I did force my way and I

456
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:54,600
Speaker 1: did whatever. But if you can get that disciplined ownership

457
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 1: without beating yourself up or beating yourself down, it'll neutralize

458
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:03,919
Speaker 1: all of the these awful expectations you have. Breaking up

459
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:10,480
Speaker 1: is hard, but it does. It's not insurmountable. Okay, done,

460
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 1: and I've got a discipline ownership in my mind. That's

461
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:18,359
Speaker 1: gonna neutralize everybody's expectations. People won't like me and I'm done.

462
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,960
Speaker 1: People are gonna be mad at me and I'm done.

463
00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:26,200
Speaker 1: It's not my responsibility to navigate his feelings. I'm done.

464
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,679
Speaker 1: I can only handle myself because I'm done.

465
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:31,960
Speaker 3: You realize some of the mistakes you made in relation

466
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:33,439
Speaker 3: to when you were married.

467
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:38,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, in my case, our relationship could not be healed.

468
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:42,000
Speaker 1: After that divorce, I learned a lot about myself. I

469
00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:45,440
Speaker 1: learned a lot about relationships. And this may be true

470
00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:48,400
Speaker 1: for you, may not be true for you. We love

471
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 1: each other dearly, We really do still to this very day.

472
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:57,720
Speaker 1: We're still great friends, to this very day. Took about

473
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:02,160
Speaker 1: three years for us to get there. We love each other,

474
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:08,400
Speaker 1: but we are not good together. It's not good for him,

475
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,960
Speaker 1: it's not good for me. Who I am is not

476
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:18,040
Speaker 1: good for him. Who he is is not good for me.

477
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:23,680
Speaker 1: And what we discovered is we didn't know that we

478
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:28,560
Speaker 1: could love each other and not be together. We didn't

479
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 1: know that. And once we realized that, you know, he's remarried,

480
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:37,880
Speaker 1: and he lets his wife know. She knows he loves me,

481
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:42,800
Speaker 1: will always love me. And when I was repartnered, my

482
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,760
Speaker 1: partner knew, I love this man. I will love him

483
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,880
Speaker 1: until I take my last breath. I choose to be

484
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,520
Speaker 1: with you, and I love you. But you got to know,

485
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 1: this man holds a place in my heart. But we

486
00:29:56,680 --> 00:30:05,120
Speaker 1: were not good together, not at all. And sometimes we

487
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: think because we love somebody that we have to be

488
00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:11,120
Speaker 1: with them, and that's not true. You don't have to

489
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:14,680
Speaker 1: stop loving him. He doesn't have to stop loving you,

490
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:19,920
Speaker 1: but the relationship the way it is is no longer conducive.

491
00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:22,000
Speaker 1: Does that make sense?

492
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:24,080
Speaker 3: That makes a lot of sense.

493
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:26,640
Speaker 1: Are you all good together?

494
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:30,720
Speaker 3: We're not our best? No? No?

495
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 1: Okay, well that's it, and you don't have to be disciplined.

496
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:43,880
Speaker 1: Ownership neutralizes expectations. Own your stuff.

497
00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:46,080
Speaker 3: But that's what I will do.

498
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 1: And make your exit plan. Yeah, you got to make

499
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:53,320
Speaker 1: your exit plan and again write it out. Okay, I'm

500
00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:55,680
Speaker 1: going to keep the house. We can split the dogs.

501
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:59,560
Speaker 1: I have a way to pay the combined debt. You know,

502
00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:02,400
Speaker 1: I'm not moving. He's gonna have to move. How long

503
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,280
Speaker 1: does he need to move? And make it conducive to you?

504
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:08,200
Speaker 1: A year is a long time. I wouldn't be given

505
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,920
Speaker 1: no year. That's just me. I'm hardcore.

506
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:11,880
Speaker 2: I'm from Brooklyn.

507
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:16,640
Speaker 1: You sleep on somebody, yes, sleep on somebody's couch until

508
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 1: you find a place to live. Now, it ain't my responsibility.

509
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:26,560
Speaker 1: And if it comes that he moves back into the house,

510
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,840
Speaker 1: into the guest room, because you're not gonna be in

511
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 1: the guest room in your house. He's got to go

512
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:36,640
Speaker 1: in the guest room or not at all, and change

513
00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:40,200
Speaker 1: the locks, not just coming and going and no no, no.

514
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 3: No, Yeah, it's gonna require me to take ownership.

515
00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 1: Yes, very good, And that's what you talk to your

516
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 1: therapist about. What do I need to own here so

517
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:56,719
Speaker 1: that I can move out of the shame and guilt

518
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:58,880
Speaker 1: and make this easier for both of us.

519
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:02,200
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm writing my down and I will.

520
00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:08,680
Speaker 1: And yeah, and somebody who loves you, really really loves you,

521
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 1: wants the best for you, would be willing to let

522
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:19,400
Speaker 1: you go ooh, even if it means they can't have you.

523
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:22,520
Speaker 3: And sometimes I feel like he's not willing to let

524
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:22,840
Speaker 3: me go.

525
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:25,280
Speaker 2: I want him to let me go.

526
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:31,560
Speaker 1: He doesn't love you, then making his needs more important

527
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:37,120
Speaker 1: than yours. Yeah, you know there's a saying I don't

528
00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:40,160
Speaker 1: remember it because i'm old, something about if you have

529
00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:43,120
Speaker 1: something in your hands and you think it's yours, let

530
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,440
Speaker 1: it go and if it comes back to you, you

531
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:49,160
Speaker 1: know it was really yours. And if it doesn't, then

532
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 1: you know, Yeah, if he really really loved you, if

533
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:57,000
Speaker 1: he really loved himself, he'd let you go. Because I

534
00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:00,680
Speaker 1: don't want somebody who don't want me. I will not

535
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:04,720
Speaker 1: let myself want somebody who does not want me. So

536
00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:08,160
Speaker 1: if he loved himself, he would let you go. And

537
00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:10,720
Speaker 1: if he doesn't love himself, there's no way he can

538
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,080
Speaker 1: love you. I know this is hard and it's tragic

539
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:18,040
Speaker 1: and the you know, the fairy tale is over and

540
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:20,760
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, we got to split up the dogs

541
00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:24,920
Speaker 1: and all of that. But if he loved you, he'd

542
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:25,440
Speaker 1: let you go.

543
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:31,880
Speaker 3: Well, thank you.

544
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:34,720
Speaker 1: What do you know now that you didn't know when

545
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 1: you first called me? What do you know now?

546
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:43,440
Speaker 3: I know now that I'm not responsible for someone else's feelings. Yeah,

547
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 3: and I know now that I can do anything, and

548
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:54,520
Speaker 3: I know now that it will be hard, but it

549
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:55,200
Speaker 3: can be done.

550
00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:56,840
Speaker 2: Yeah.

551
00:33:56,960 --> 00:34:00,800
Speaker 1: How about do you know I'm done until you know

552
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,320
Speaker 1: that you're going to keep wavering back and forth? Do

553
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,080
Speaker 1: you know that you are done with this relationship?

554
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:07,040
Speaker 2: Yeah?

555
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:12,000
Speaker 1: So own that. Let me hear that I'm done.

556
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:13,040
Speaker 3: I am done.

557
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:19,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm done. I'm done. Even though this relationship may

558
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:22,040
Speaker 1: be able to be healed, I'm done.

559
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, even if it can be healed, I'm done.

560
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:25,319
Speaker 2: Well.

561
00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:27,560
Speaker 1: I wish you the best, my love, And like I said,

562
00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:30,960
Speaker 1: play it out in your head and work through all

563
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:35,439
Speaker 1: of the feelings first before you you know, make any

564
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:40,680
Speaker 1: loud pronouncements or whatever. Create your exit strategy, create your

565
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:44,960
Speaker 1: extra strategy before you try to speak about it. Be

566
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:48,000
Speaker 1: clear about it so that when it comes out, it's clear.

567
00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:52,160
Speaker 3: Okay, I will do that, ok.

568
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:56,040
Speaker 1: Okay, my love, let me know how you make out. Okay, Okay,

569
00:34:56,160 --> 00:35:05,399
Speaker 1: thank you, all right, my love, Bye bye. Well, when

570
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:09,160
Speaker 1: one person wants out and the other one doesn't, there

571
00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:13,399
Speaker 1: is a high propensity to do. Emotional black man, if

572
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:16,080
Speaker 1: you had done this, then we wouldn't have this. And

573
00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:18,319
Speaker 1: if you would only do this, we could do this.

574
00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:21,960
Speaker 1: And look what you're doing to me, and I've wasted

575
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:24,640
Speaker 1: all of this time. I don't you know. Whatever the

576
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:29,640
Speaker 1: story is, and they may feel that way, and that's

577
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:33,600
Speaker 1: their right to feel that way, but it is not

578
00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:39,600
Speaker 1: your responsibility to change how they feel. Your responsibility is

579
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:42,960
Speaker 1: just to acknowledge that you heard how they feel and

580
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:47,320
Speaker 1: keep on moving. You can't change how anybody else feels,

581
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:54,160
Speaker 1: and their experience is their experience. You know, I was married.

582
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:58,120
Speaker 1: I married the same man twice, and I was married

583
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:02,600
Speaker 1: the second time, first time seven years, second time five years,

584
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:07,200
Speaker 1: and in five years when we were breaking up, it

585
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:09,759
Speaker 1: was me, you know, to him, it was me. It

586
00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:12,000
Speaker 1: was me, I did this, I did that, I did this,

587
00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:14,160
Speaker 1: and I didn't do this, and I didn't do that,

588
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:17,319
Speaker 1: and budh and I was like, you're out of your

589
00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:19,880
Speaker 1: ever loving mind. You must have bumped your head somewhere.

590
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:22,920
Speaker 1: Five years out of the marriage, I looked back and

591
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:27,200
Speaker 1: I said, oh my god, it was me. I was horrible.

592
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:35,760
Speaker 1: And I had to own that. I had to own

593
00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:41,160
Speaker 1: it the things that I became aware of about how

594
00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:44,080
Speaker 1: I could have done better but didn't, what I could

595
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,279
Speaker 1: have said better and didn't, and how I could have

596
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:50,400
Speaker 1: been better and wasn't. I had to own that, not

597
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:54,959
Speaker 1: for him but for me, so that I didn't take

598
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:58,880
Speaker 1: that mess into the next relationship or forward into my life.

599
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:02,080
Speaker 1: But in it, you know when he was dumping it

600
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:05,719
Speaker 1: on me, and you know, I was trying to convince

601
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:09,080
Speaker 1: him that he was wrong about how horrible I was.

602
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,799
Speaker 1: I was taking responsibility for how he was feeling. But

603
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:15,920
Speaker 1: when I got down to the core of it, he

604
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:19,160
Speaker 1: may feel that way and it may be valid and truthful,

605
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:22,840
Speaker 1: but you don't have to navigate that. That's not your responsibility.

606
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:27,480
Speaker 1: Here's your responsibility. I'm done, I'm out. Here's my exit plan.

607
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,000
Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone And if

608
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:35,800
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,

609
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:39,239
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three

610
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:42,520
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to

611
00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:46,080
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,

612
00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:57,360
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The

613
00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:01,440
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership

614
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:06,600
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the

615
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:11,359
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your

616
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:12,280
Speaker 1: favorite shows.