Speaker 1: This is Conversationous with Olivia Jade in My Heart Radio podcast.
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, welcome back to another episode of Conversations. Happy
Speaker 1: New Year. I know that, um My last episode was
Speaker 1: really really well received from you guys, and it was
Speaker 1: with Dr Hillary Gulture, who was an amazing therapist and honestly,
Speaker 1: the few episodes I've had her on, she's really helped me.
Speaker 1: So today we wanted to completely put the focus on
Speaker 1: you guys, the viewers, the audience, the listeners, and I
Speaker 1: asked you guys to submit some questions. So maybe if
Speaker 1: you don't have access to therapy, or if you just
Speaker 1: are looking to get some advice from a professional, I
Speaker 1: have an amazing therapist today, So please welcome Dr Hillary. Hello,
Speaker 1: um Hi, welcome back, Thank you, good to see you,
Speaker 1: Thanks for having me, Thank you for coming back. The
Speaker 1: last episode was obviously like really therapy cutic for me
Speaker 1: because I feel like we kind of talked about myself
Speaker 1: more than I normally like to. Um, So I'm really
Speaker 1: excited for today because we're going to put the focus
Speaker 1: on the listeners and we have a ton of questions
Speaker 1: we didn't get to last time, so I kind of
Speaker 1: want to just dive right in if you're good with it.
Speaker 1: By the way, proud of you for being vulnerable last time.
Speaker 1: Thank you. It was tough. I was like scared to
Speaker 1: listen to it. Bag Oh my goh gosh, what did
Speaker 1: I say? Um, but I took it to Instagram. I
Speaker 1: know our social media for the podcast, which is Conversations
Speaker 1: with Olivia Jade on Instagram. If you guys don't follow it,
Speaker 1: check it out so you guys can be in the
Speaker 1: loop for future episodes. But I'm going to start with
Speaker 1: the ones from actually today because I feel like it's
Speaker 1: cool to do the most recent questions, and you guys
Speaker 1: had some really really good questions for Dr Hillary, and
Speaker 1: I think we're going to start. Um. I think this
Speaker 1: is just a really good one in fitting for the
Speaker 1: new year, and just I think it could go in
Speaker 1: a lot of directions. The first question, don't worry, I'm
Speaker 1: keeping them all anonymous, is how do you deal with
Speaker 1: everyone around you thriving and you feel stuck in the
Speaker 1: same place in life? M h yes. Um. That's such
Speaker 1: a common and devastating dynamic, right. I think we've all
Speaker 1: had seasons in our lives when we felt that way,
Speaker 1: when our life has been stagnant or we felt a
Speaker 1: sense of paralysis and um our friend group or our
Speaker 1: family or significant other relative to where we experience ourselves
Speaker 1: are are doing better, and it's super triggering. It's super
Speaker 1: super triggering. So I sort of want to start as
Speaker 1: as I always do. People who listen to me know this.
Speaker 1: I I want to start in the validation, the acknowledgement,
Speaker 1: the truth of it. That that is hard. And I
Speaker 1: think the more we push away and try to exile
Speaker 1: that feeling, the more it grows, the bigger it gets,
Speaker 1: the scarier it gets. So the first step, not the
Speaker 1: only step, but the first step is to sort of
Speaker 1: honor the feeling, is to recognize it, to kind of
Speaker 1: soften around it, to not try to resist it, to
Speaker 1: not try to push it away, to really bring it close.
Speaker 1: What is this? What is a feeling? And what is
Speaker 1: it trying to tell me? Right, because it might be
Speaker 1: trying to tell us a number of things that are significant,
Speaker 1: are important to listen to. It might be trying to
Speaker 1: tell us something really specific about our path in life,
Speaker 1: that we need to get more directed, that we need
Speaker 1: to get more focused, we need to get more serious,
Speaker 1: and maybe telling us that are sort of amount of
Speaker 1: self love that we have inside of us. Our reservoir
Speaker 1: of self love, if you will, is depleted, because if
Speaker 1: we're feeling so triggered by how others are doing relative
Speaker 1: to how we're doing, there's maybe something going on inside
Speaker 1: of us that is having a tricky time kind of
Speaker 1: honoring what's unique and special about us, where our journey
Speaker 1: is at that particular time in our life. So really
Speaker 1: trying to hone in on what those feelings are are
Speaker 1: telling us, and and then kind of getting to the
Speaker 1: more general part of it, what we can do when
Speaker 1: that feeling comes and it's so uncomfortable. Sitting in I
Speaker 1: don't know, envy and sitting in jealousy is such an
Speaker 1: ugly hard place to be. It feels so badly, and
Speaker 1: so I think tons of self compassion is really important,
Speaker 1: and to just sort of sit in the feeling and
Speaker 1: try to mobilize gratitude for the things that we do
Speaker 1: have in our life to help expand our perspective in
Speaker 1: those moments. So I think it's a really multilayered process,
Speaker 1: and I don't want to minimize how hard that feeling
Speaker 1: state is. So what I'm saying sort of a bunch
Speaker 1: of tricks that once you employ them, you'll feel fine. Right,
Speaker 1: This is a signal that a number of things are
Speaker 1: happening in our life that are a key and and
Speaker 1: so being able to get closer to what those things
Speaker 1: are and sitting in those feelings and listening to what
Speaker 1: it's trying to tell us, I think is a really healthy,
Speaker 1: although difficult place to start. That's really good advice. And
Speaker 1: this is definitely not an overnight process because I even
Speaker 1: feel like I've been there, and I feel like from
Speaker 1: an outside perspective that would be like, oh, whoa, you
Speaker 1: can relate to that too. But of course, when you
Speaker 1: see people around you that are thriving and you feel stuck,
Speaker 1: there's nothing, there's nothing worse, You're just you compare yourself.
Speaker 1: It gets to a point where you're so hard on
Speaker 1: yourself and could be so difficult. But I also know
Speaker 1: like with time it definitely helps, and um, it's not
Speaker 1: an overnight process at all. What you reminded me one
Speaker 1: of my favorite things to say to clients or folks
Speaker 1: that I'm working with is that no feeling states stays
Speaker 1: the same, No feeling state stays the same, and you
Speaker 1: can you can check that with your own evidence. Right,
Speaker 1: the most moments that you've had in your life, the
Speaker 1: worst season of emotions always dissipates, always change, it's always shifts.
Speaker 1: And so that's another thing that we can use is
Speaker 1: self soothing in the moment, some version of like, it's
Speaker 1: not always going to feel this way. That doesn't mean
Speaker 1: it doesn't feel really bad, but feeling states constantly shift,
Speaker 1: and so leaning into what it's trying to tell you
Speaker 1: can be really useful because it won't always be there.
Speaker 1: That is so true. I love that. Um. All right,
Speaker 1: next question, somebody asked tips for self sabotage slash overthinking.
Speaker 1: M hm, So I guess they're asking tips to diminish
Speaker 1: the tendency towards sabotage and overthinking. Right, So those are well,
Speaker 1: I guess those those two things could be combined. Um,
Speaker 1: but let's let's let's sort of unpack them a little bit.
Speaker 1: So tips for self sabotage the first step, and and
Speaker 1: I guess your listener is already there, but is really
Speaker 1: deeply recognizing that it's happening. I mean, one of the
Speaker 1: insidious parts of self sabotage is that oftentimes we don't
Speaker 1: recognize that it's happening, and we start to blame outside
Speaker 1: factors or start to imagine that we're just the target
Speaker 1: of bad luck, etcetera, and and aren't recognizing that we
Speaker 1: may have actions are are inviting kind of negative toxic
Speaker 1: patterns or dynamics or people in our lives. So the
Speaker 1: first step is recognizing it and being really authentic with
Speaker 1: yourself about it that like, wow, there may be something
Speaker 1: I'm doing that's bringing in things into my life, whether
Speaker 1: it's people or behaviors or external events or activities that
Speaker 1: aren't working for me to really lean into like wow,
Speaker 1: this is a scary admission, but I think there's something
Speaker 1: going on here that I'm contributing to, and that can
Speaker 1: be a really scary thing to admit. So I think
Speaker 1: deeply leaning into that truth, if it is a truth
Speaker 1: for you, is a really important first step. And then
Speaker 1: the next thing I would recommend is to slow way
Speaker 1: down because self sabotage happens really quickly, and it happens
Speaker 1: kind of in a cloaked way, right it it's so unconscious,
Speaker 1: and in some cases it's kind of involuntary, so we
Speaker 1: don't even recognize it's happening until we're sitting in like
Speaker 1: the collateral damage of it all. So really slowing way
Speaker 1: down if you have specific arenas in which outcomes are
Speaker 1: not going well, you know, whether it's romantic relationships or
Speaker 1: in your professional life, etcetera. Really slowing down when you're
Speaker 1: engaging in activities or dialogue or decisions around it, recognizing
Speaker 1: the thoughts that you're having, recognizing the decisions that you're
Speaker 1: making based on those thoughts, consulting with trusted others. Really
Speaker 1: slowing down because self sabotage usually comes um from a
Speaker 1: place of anxiety and and fear, and from a place
Speaker 1: of fear around having success taking up more space in
Speaker 1: the world, you know, sort of um realizing your full potential.
Speaker 1: So really slowing down to explore what those feelings are
Speaker 1: if you were to allow yourself to bring in more
Speaker 1: good and to understand what the stackles are. So that
Speaker 1: that's a lot to do on on on your own,
Speaker 1: I mean, but but engaging in journaling or meditating can help.
Speaker 1: And of course I always end up at some point
Speaker 1: when we talk recommending therapy if this is something that
Speaker 1: is really a dynamic taking over your life and and
Speaker 1: just to quickly address over thinking. Overthinking is a is
Speaker 1: an offshoot of anxiety. Right, we have consuming thoughts, we ruminate,
Speaker 1: and it can be devastating. It can really change how
Speaker 1: we move through the world. And so I have a
Speaker 1: couple of recommendations. One is meditating, reading, journaling, So those
Speaker 1: thoughts have a time and a place and then can
Speaker 1: be sort of, um, have a specific finite time to
Speaker 1: be done with them and getting our body used to
Speaker 1: that process of taking them out and putting them back
Speaker 1: and kind of alongside that. And we talked about a
Speaker 1: version of this, you and I UM last time, we
Speaker 1: talked about that five minute idea, this idea that if
Speaker 1: you have an issue that you're over thinking about, really
Speaker 1: putting a time limit on it, that like, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: take the next ten fifteen minutes, I'm gonna journal about it,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna think about I'm gonna talk to my best
Speaker 1: buddy about it, and then i'm gonna stop. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: put it away. I'm going to purposely engage in compartmentalization,
Speaker 1: like healthy compartation. This is difficult, it doesn't mean it
Speaker 1: won't prop up and sort of you know, um, you know,
Speaker 1: focus on the shoulder and try to get us to
Speaker 1: think about it again. But if we build up a
Speaker 1: practice that kind of interrupts the neural pathways that get
Speaker 1: us to have a thought and go all the way
Speaker 1: to the devastating angsty outcome, if we interrupt those neural
Speaker 1: pathways with other healthier behaviors over time, the overthinking naturally
Speaker 1: begins to dissipate. Interesting, and somebody kind of had like
Speaker 1: a it was a different user, but kind of a
Speaker 1: branch off question about overthinking. They said, how to stop overthinking?
Speaker 1: Specially if you have traumas about bad things that have
Speaker 1: happened to you. Is that kind of the same advice,
Speaker 1: Or if it's like a deep, deep trauma that somebody
Speaker 1: might have occurred in their childhood it or at some
Speaker 1: phase in their life, would you recommend something different? Definitely.
Speaker 1: I'm glad that question got asked, because if we're talking
Speaker 1: about trauma and we're using the term overthinking in that context,
Speaker 1: we potentially are talking about PTSD, which is post extress disorder,
Speaker 1: and one of the key symptoms of PTSD is I
Speaker 1: wouldn't call it overthinking, but I understand how it would
Speaker 1: feel just like that. But is intrusive thoughts Intrusive thoughts
Speaker 1: that we cannot control, whether it's around reliving the trauma,
Speaker 1: whether it's around intrusive thoughts about who you are, your
Speaker 1: relationship that you're in, what your life is about, etcetera.
Speaker 1: Intrusive thoughts that are uncontrollable, that feel like they are
Speaker 1: invading um your ability to really function. And so if
Speaker 1: we're talking about a version of that, and it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be as extreme as I was just describing,
Speaker 1: but anywhere on the spectrum of intrusive thoughts related to
Speaker 1: tied to past trauma, that is an absolute signal to
Speaker 1: seek services for treatment around trauma and PTSD, And it
Speaker 1: would be much more difficult, as I'm sure your user
Speaker 1: UM would agree to on our own try to stop
Speaker 1: that kind of intrusive thinking, right, and you can start
Speaker 1: to feel hopeless and helpless if you're trying to control
Speaker 1: that on your own and it's not working and you're
Speaker 1: feeling more and more overwhelmed. So I would just say,
Speaker 1: if that's happening, you know that those are symptoms of
Speaker 1: PTSD and there was absolutely help out there, really clear
Speaker 1: therapeutic um approaches to helping folks deal with PTSD. So
Speaker 1: so I would recommend services as soon as possible. If
Speaker 1: that's the case, great, and somebody also, I guess we
Speaker 1: can bounce kind of off this to somebody had asked,
Speaker 1: I gone through bad trauma, but financially I can't afford
Speaker 1: that extra help and that therapy. Is there something that
Speaker 1: you're talking about that maybe listeners don't know about that
Speaker 1: they could access that maybe not as expensive or just
Speaker 1: like a little bit more in reach for so many people. Yes,
Speaker 1: most most communities, I mean, and certainly it's it's more
Speaker 1: the case in bigger cities, but most communities have low
Speaker 1: fee clinics where folks that are going through training to
Speaker 1: become doctorates in psychology or clinicians or therapists, et cetera,
Speaker 1: do their pre or post doc hours and are supervised
Speaker 1: by licensed professionals. All of this to say, very solid
Speaker 1: services available at these low fee clinics. And so if
Speaker 1: whatever city that you live in, googling some version of
Speaker 1: you know, Chicago, low fee clinics for therapy could yield
Speaker 1: opportunities that are you know, as low as ten, fifteen,
Speaker 1: twenty dollars or less for therapy services that are good
Speaker 1: and really solid. So that's sort of a I guess,
Speaker 1: like a not well known resource that's available in most communities. Wow,
Speaker 1: I had no idea. That's so interesting. Um, okay, well,
Speaker 1: this next question I can relate to this. I feel
Speaker 1: like most people can relate to this. Men, women, everyone basically.
Speaker 1: But it's body image and how to create a healthy
Speaker 1: mindset around it. This is so hard and it's such
Speaker 1: a tricky question, and I feel like I can't even
Speaker 1: wait to hear the answer because I relate, especially with
Speaker 1: social media and seeing everybody and comparing yourself, it's so
Speaker 1: easy to do that. So do you have any advice
Speaker 1: on this topic? Yeah, it's it's such a difficult one.
Speaker 1: And as you can imagine in my private practice, I
Speaker 1: think most every woman And unfortunately it typically lands with
Speaker 1: with women and lives there because of so many of
Speaker 1: the socio cultural pressures that are out there and the
Speaker 1: images that are put forth. But it is ubiquitous and
Speaker 1: and kind of kind of devastating. Um, the burden that
Speaker 1: most women carry around this And surprisingly and but noteworthy,
Speaker 1: regardless of what a woman's body looks like, many if
Speaker 1: not most women feel about the same. And UM, that
Speaker 1: leads me into my next piece, which is that beginning
Speaker 1: to recognize that a good part of one's relationship with
Speaker 1: their body isn't really about their body? Is a good
Speaker 1: place to start. I want to first say, which I
Speaker 1: sort of alluded to a moment ago. There are so
Speaker 1: many pressures about body image, right, social media images that
Speaker 1: we face and the poll to compare are you everywhere,
Speaker 1: and we have to confront them regularly, and I don't
Speaker 1: think that's going to change anytime soon. So I don't
Speaker 1: want to diminish the reality of what it really is
Speaker 1: like to look at bodies that appear to be perfect
Speaker 1: and compare them to our own and look at the
Speaker 1: gap and feel badly about it. So I'm not trying
Speaker 1: to suggest that that isn't a true dynamic, but that's
Speaker 1: also one of the dynamics in this equation that we
Speaker 1: actually can't control. We're going to confront those images, um,
Speaker 1: We're going to confront bodies that look differently than ours,
Speaker 1: And there are pieces of this equation that we can
Speaker 1: start to take control of, Which is the part that
Speaker 1: isn't really about our body, because it again sort of
Speaker 1: reflects some version of a deficit of of of self love,
Speaker 1: some depletion in our tank of self love, right, And
Speaker 1: you know, it's not that we can't have wishes or
Speaker 1: ideas or sadness or frustration about how we might want
Speaker 1: our body to look relative to how it does look,
Speaker 1: but leaning into the parts of us that are more
Speaker 1: defining of how we move through the world, the services
Speaker 1: that we're supposed to provide during our time on earth,
Speaker 1: how we treat all kindness. And I know that when
Speaker 1: I'm talking about these things and you're looking at like
Speaker 1: a bikini pick of someone that you follow, it's kind
Speaker 1: of hard to lean into, like, well, who who am
Speaker 1: I supposed to serve in my right? Such a differnt um,
Speaker 1: you know, reservoirs from which to pull, But developing a
Speaker 1: more spiritual practice about who we want to be in
Speaker 1: the world, how we want to show up, and what
Speaker 1: we define as kind of success and loveability and worthiness
Speaker 1: is a really important practice to start to lean into.
Speaker 1: It's not an immediate solution to the problems that we
Speaker 1: are facing around body image stuff, but in my experience,
Speaker 1: it really is the only approach that has longevity because
Speaker 1: our bodies change, we get older, um and all of
Speaker 1: the media that is entering our sphere is constant, and
Speaker 1: so if it's more around working out or how we
Speaker 1: eat or um. Even body positivity, the idea of like
Speaker 1: loving our body no matter what, which I'm all for, um,
Speaker 1: that still doesn't get to like the core core issue
Speaker 1: that doesn't change regardless of the input that we're getting
Speaker 1: from the outside. So it's really beginning a practice of
Speaker 1: self love and a philosophy around how we want to
Speaker 1: confront those things. It's a it's a it's a long journey.
Speaker 1: It's a journey. I've never thought of it that way too,
Speaker 1: because I think it's so naturally just jump to at
Speaker 1: least for me, like I'll be like, oh, I'm just
Speaker 1: not working out enough, I'm not eating right. I treated
Speaker 1: my body like this week like I have to get
Speaker 1: back on it, and I get so hard on myself
Speaker 1: and it can be such a downward spiral from that
Speaker 1: moment on, and it's it sucks. It's the worst feeling ever.
Speaker 1: But I think also knowing that your body's individual and
Speaker 1: unique and literally nobody else on the planet has it,
Speaker 1: and take care of it if you're healthy, Like, it's
Speaker 1: such a blessing if you are healthy and have an
Speaker 1: able body. All right, next question, this is actually a
Speaker 1: good one, and I think a lot of females can
Speaker 1: relate to this, and I'm sure males too, But you'll
Speaker 1: see why I said that it says how to build
Speaker 1: a relationship with your mom when you argue so much.
Speaker 1: I think that's just such a dynamic, at least with
Speaker 1: like my friends and people. I've heard that that you
Speaker 1: guys can butt head so easily at a certain age,
Speaker 1: and I for, um, what's some advice for that? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it's it's so common, um for young women
Speaker 1: to struggle with their relationship with their mother. I think
Speaker 1: is women, young women are beginning to try to individuate
Speaker 1: and find their own full selves. There's this push and
Speaker 1: pull between how much you want to rely on your mother,
Speaker 1: how much you do rely on your mother, how much
Speaker 1: she parents you, versus respect your individualtion. Your individuality is
Speaker 1: um is a spoken and unspoken verbal and nonverbal dynamic
Speaker 1: that gets played out between mothers and daughters um uh
Speaker 1: sort of overtime and and I think gets exacerbated around
Speaker 1: like teens in early twenties. So, having said all that,
Speaker 1: I think it's it's really about communication and communication that
Speaker 1: can be productive and direct and respectful versus the kind
Speaker 1: of communication that often occurs between mom and daughter, which
Speaker 1: is like frustration and um kind of coming together and
Speaker 1: pushing yourpart coming together and pushing apart. So I recommend
Speaker 1: if there are specific things, for example, that your mother
Speaker 1: does that that doesn't feel good, you feel like she
Speaker 1: criticizes you, for example, right instead of in the heat
Speaker 1: of the moment, in the aftermath of a criticism, trying
Speaker 1: to discuss how that impacts you, trying to uh manage
Speaker 1: your mother's tendencies outside of the moment, when you're in
Speaker 1: a calmer, connected sort of situation with your mother, being
Speaker 1: able to take the risk, be vulnerable enough to be like,
Speaker 1: I want to talk to you about something. I want
Speaker 1: to talk to you about something that seems to be
Speaker 1: like this dynamic between us where when I tell you
Speaker 1: something that I want to do, and I tell you
Speaker 1: something that I really want to work on or I
Speaker 1: really want to achieve, that you tend to doubt me,
Speaker 1: that you tend to criticize as my approach, and that
Speaker 1: really hurts. And you know, trying to at least have
Speaker 1: a dialogue that's direct and that's delivered in a way
Speaker 1: that's respectful and digestible, I think is really really important.
Speaker 1: And you and I talked about when I'm about saying
Speaker 1: our on our last time together, but also recognizing when
Speaker 1: you're in a situation where you're not going to be
Speaker 1: able to get what you want, and that's devastating, that's
Speaker 1: grief worthy, that's frustrating, that can bring about a lot
Speaker 1: of anger. But recognizing it and figuring out what you're
Speaker 1: going to do as a result of that starts to
Speaker 1: begin to save a lot of pain and angst and
Speaker 1: um misplaced vulnerability. Right, So to recognize, for example, that
Speaker 1: our mother is not available to have sort of a
Speaker 1: vulnerable real dialogue with us, or can't interrupt for her
Speaker 1: tendency to criticize, then being able to start setting boundaries
Speaker 1: with her. So maybe I'm not going to talk to
Speaker 1: about vulnerable stuff. So maybe if she's getting in that mode,
Speaker 1: I'm going to say, you know what, this doesn't feel
Speaker 1: really good. I'm gonna I'm ana head upstairs around the
Speaker 1: sack of night. Right, Instead of engaging in the behavior
Speaker 1: that we end up not feeling good about in the
Speaker 1: face of their toxic behavior, we set boundaries both with
Speaker 1: them and with ourselves process, no doubt, but this is
Speaker 1: these are the bullet points, the highlights of that question. Um,
Speaker 1: let's kind of take it to some relationship questions, because damn,
Speaker 1: you guys flooded me with those. I don't even know
Speaker 1: where to start. Um. A big one was tips on
Speaker 1: how to get over a breakup, heartbreak, etcetera. And then
Speaker 1: a lot of people were also asking how to get
Speaker 1: over somebody if you've never even dated them and you
Speaker 1: kind of just like made up this situation in your
Speaker 1: head and now you feel that same like weight of
Speaker 1: a heartbreak. I guess, yeah, yeah, Well, I think probably
Speaker 1: the things that I will talk about getting over a
Speaker 1: heartbreak where you've been in a connected internet relationship with
Speaker 1: someone will apply to the ladder, but I'll make some distinctions.
Speaker 1: I think some of this is going to feel like repeat.
Speaker 1: But I think getting over a heartbreak is such a
Speaker 1: triggering time, obviously, and many of us immediately feel the
Speaker 1: intense desire for it to be better and and quickly right,
Speaker 1: and we want to do things to turbo the process along, right.
Speaker 1: I mean, whether that means I don't know, going out
Speaker 1: a bunch of our friends or hooking up with some
Speaker 1: other guy, or hyper you know, processing it with our friends,
Speaker 1: but feeling frustrated that you still don't feel better. Right,
Speaker 1: All those things are things that we've all done and
Speaker 1: we'll all do again. But trying to recognize that there
Speaker 1: really isn't a shortcut. There just isn't a short like
Speaker 1: there isn't it's it's traumatic, it's devastating, it's grief worthy,
Speaker 1: and and depending on your particular trajectory, it's it's it's
Speaker 1: a a loss. It's a it's a significant loss that
Speaker 1: has to be and the only way through grief is
Speaker 1: to go directly inside of it. So allowing ourselves, with
Speaker 1: trusted others, with ourselves to sit in those feelings and
Speaker 1: and cry and be frustrated and to let it wash
Speaker 1: over us, because if we try to take a shortcut,
Speaker 1: we end up having symptoms. Right, So in the scenarios
Speaker 1: I was talking about before, let's say we're trying to
Speaker 1: bypass all that we're going out with our friends, were
Speaker 1: drinking a bunch, looking up with guys. Maybe it feels
Speaker 1: better temporarily, but symptoms start to develop, whether that's depression, anxiety, um,
Speaker 1: lower productivity at work, lack of focus. It it gets
Speaker 1: stuck in our body, the grief, and it comes out
Speaker 1: some other way that we don't have a say in right, right,
Speaker 1: it comes out in somewhere we're like, well, I don't
Speaker 1: like the way I'm showing up here. I'm really irritable
Speaker 1: with my friends, I'm really irritable with my family. It
Speaker 1: just comes out. There's emotional rent to pay if we
Speaker 1: don't breathe. I would say my biggest piece of advice
Speaker 1: is is to allow yourself to go through it. And
Speaker 1: I'm sure many of your listeners avail themselves of what
Speaker 1: I'm about to say, which is like, sisterhood is a
Speaker 1: big thing, right, and so being with your friends, but
Speaker 1: being authentic and real with your friends about your vulnerability,
Speaker 1: your hurt and kind of surrounding yourself with people who
Speaker 1: have your back is so important like that and can
Speaker 1: be super empowering and to kind of bridge to out
Speaker 1: what you're asking about before in that question, which is
Speaker 1: what if like you're not even with someone right, you're
Speaker 1: graving a breakup of some someone you were just kind
Speaker 1: of quote talking to on like the d M S
Speaker 1: or something, so that you know, some of the stuff
Speaker 1: that I just mentioned could apply. But I think a
Speaker 1: deeper dive into what compel someone to get so invested
Speaker 1: into a relationship that isn't UM, I r l as
Speaker 1: the kids say, that means in real life for those
Speaker 1: that don't know in real life, right, that doesn't mean life.
Speaker 1: It's an important thing to think about because there there
Speaker 1: may be something going on there that's really worthy of understanding.
Speaker 1: A fear of intimacy, a fear of rejection, right um,
Speaker 1: some self doubt again, a depletion in in self love
Speaker 1: that's prompting us to get so invested in something that
Speaker 1: isn't really available for us, for us to explore and
Speaker 1: fully show up in. And perhaps there's someone on the
Speaker 1: other end who isn't available to invest in us. And
Speaker 1: accepting UM, something that's less than what we deserve, that's
Speaker 1: you know, wholly inadequate, is also something to look at.
Speaker 1: So I think, you know, the grief over like wow,
Speaker 1: I had a big hope that this guy was connecting
Speaker 1: with and talking to is going to be something, and wow,
Speaker 1: it's really disappointing. UM is worthy of some grief that
Speaker 1: the hope you had, UM and the disappointment that ensued
Speaker 1: is real. But if this is a pattern, I would
Speaker 1: really do UM. As I said, it's kind of a
Speaker 1: deeper dive into like what is how is that serving me,
Speaker 1: you know, getting caught up with someone that isn't really
Speaker 1: in my life? What is that? What is that sort
Speaker 1: of revealing about where I am right now? Yeah, And
Speaker 1: a lot of people are kind of asking to, like,
Speaker 1: in a in a relationship, if somebody does struggle with
Speaker 1: some sort of mental health issue, and it can be
Speaker 1: extreme or even maybe on a less severe side of things,
Speaker 1: how do you know that they're struggling with that? And
Speaker 1: how do you differentiate them dealing with something that's you know,
Speaker 1: like really hard in their brain verse just being maybe
Speaker 1: not to be rude, but just like being an asshole
Speaker 1: or acting out, and like, how do you differentiate like
Speaker 1: just being not getting the respect you deserve or if
Speaker 1: somebody is really struggling. Yeah, I see what you're saying.
Speaker 1: Um m hm, So I have a couple of different
Speaker 1: responses to that. I think more importantly, perhaps than than
Speaker 1: what you were saying, is whether or not the person
Speaker 1: that is mistreating us or showing up in a way
Speaker 1: that we don't feel good about or doesn't feel good
Speaker 1: to us, whether or not they have insight or interest
Speaker 1: in working on that is probably the headline of the situation, right,
Speaker 1: rather than whether or not it's a diagnosable thing. Because
Speaker 1: if we have someone who's either an asshole or who's depressed,
Speaker 1: um but available, or doesn't have the insight into like, wow,
Speaker 1: what I'm doing right now is impacting you negatively and
Speaker 1: I need to think about this and work on it,
Speaker 1: it almost doesn't matter, right. So we want to have
Speaker 1: a willing partner, someone who is interested in in growth,
Speaker 1: who's a seeker, and who is um open to feedback
Speaker 1: about how they impact you. Having said that, I mean,
Speaker 1: if we have someone who is deeply struggling with depression
Speaker 1: or anxiety or you know, bipolar or something that is
Speaker 1: going to impact our behavior, their behavior in some cases involuntarily,
Speaker 1: that's important to know if you're making decisions about how
Speaker 1: you want to support that person, right, And so I
Speaker 1: think the willingness of that person to pursue a deeper
Speaker 1: understanding of what is happening with them again is the
Speaker 1: key because from where where we sit, if you're the
Speaker 1: partner of that person, um, you you're not gonna be
Speaker 1: able to diagnose that right. You might have an idea
Speaker 1: that you might have a hypothesis about it, but you're
Speaker 1: not going to be able to answer that question, So
Speaker 1: it's really more about that person uncovering that information. And
Speaker 1: I think if someone is interested in healing from a
Speaker 1: diagnosis that's serious and grave, that maybe gives us more
Speaker 1: opportunity to feel comfortable with supporting them. Then if they're
Speaker 1: they're deep in denial about it, right, that makes sense.
Speaker 1: I feel like that's such a hard question too. I
Speaker 1: didn't even know how to really read that one off
Speaker 1: because it is so I feel like specific to somebody's situation.
Speaker 1: But yeah, um, somebody else asked how to live as
Speaker 1: a hypochondriac. It's ruining me and my kids life. Do
Speaker 1: we kind of want to explain what that even is
Speaker 1: and then maybe some advice? Yeah, Well, hypochondriac is sort of,
Speaker 1: in a very over generalized Layman's terms, is someone who
Speaker 1: experiences UM distress in their body often, and in many,
Speaker 1: if not most cases, is either not really there or
Speaker 1: it's an exaggeration of the actual symptoms that are happening.
Speaker 1: So most people UM identified as someone who's says that
Speaker 1: they're sick all the time. I immor says that they
Speaker 1: have ailments all the time when they really don't, And
Speaker 1: so that's UM kind of how it tends to play
Speaker 1: out on a day to day basis, is feeling like
Speaker 1: you are sick or about to get sick and being
Speaker 1: consumed with that, and it is an anxiety disorder. It
Speaker 1: is ultimately an anxiety disorder and is in the end,
Speaker 1: not really that much about the day to day struggle
Speaker 1: with oh, am I am I getting the stomach flu?
Speaker 1: Did I break my ankle when I just fell, etcetera.
Speaker 1: But it's really about an anxiety an intricate anxiety coping
Speaker 1: mechanism for anxiety, because if we have deep rooted anxiety
Speaker 1: about trauma or other aspects of our life, but become
Speaker 1: consumed with am I going to get sick? Or is
Speaker 1: my back out? Or I have diabetes? Etcetera, we get
Speaker 1: to escape the root of the real issues and problems
Speaker 1: in our life. And it is usually done in a
Speaker 1: very unconscious manner. I'm sure the listener that we're addressing,
Speaker 1: our listeners that were addressing, I don't think directly, oh,
Speaker 1: this is what I'll do so I don't have to
Speaker 1: think about all the problems that life all feels very real.
Speaker 1: So what I would recommend in this case is seeking
Speaker 1: services immediately, because it's an anxiety disorder, and there are
Speaker 1: very specific therapy and potentially medications depending on your situation,
Speaker 1: that can address it, and you don't have to suffer
Speaker 1: that much, and your family doesn't have to suffer so much.
Speaker 1: Probably on your own, you're not going to be able
Speaker 1: to think it or wish it away. It's reflective of
Speaker 1: something deeper going on. So I would I would really
Speaker 1: honor it, have a bunch of compassion for yourself and
Speaker 1: and and seek services as soon as possible. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think this is also an interesting question. Um. A lot
Speaker 1: of it was just like how to be comfortable being
Speaker 1: alone or like what if you feel so lonely and isolated?
Speaker 1: How to break that feeling? Um, just kind of around that,
Speaker 1: I see a few questions like that, I've been there.
Speaker 1: I can relate to that feeling of just feeling like
Speaker 1: you kind of like don't really have anybody. And I
Speaker 1: think for me it just took time, but for somebody else,
Speaker 1: like what would maybe you recommend did you during when
Speaker 1: you've had those moments, did you find anything specific that
Speaker 1: was soothing my sister, my people that I could really
Speaker 1: trust and have around. It was honestly really when um,
Speaker 1: it was around the holidays, both my parents were going
Speaker 1: to jail, and it was just rough time. It was
Speaker 1: just like I felt very alone, like I only had
Speaker 1: my family. I didn't want to talk about it because
Speaker 1: I was afraid of anything being like put in the media.
Speaker 1: Um So I relate to that a little bit. I
Speaker 1: think it's different because mine had an end date, so
Speaker 1: that's kind of what I was looking forward to. Like
Speaker 1: I knew their release dates and I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: when this happens, like my family will be back together,
Speaker 1: Like it's gonna be okay. Um. But I know that's
Speaker 1: a very weird specific situation and a lot of people's
Speaker 1: um are very different. So for me, it was just
Speaker 1: finding comfort and like my my sister, the people I
Speaker 1: could really trust around me. But what if maybe people
Speaker 1: don't have that? Yeah, yeah, I think that. Thanks for yeah,
Speaker 1: thanks for showing that. I think that's right. I mean
Speaker 1: that that that would always be my My first line
Speaker 1: of defense is is if there is a trusted other
Speaker 1: in your sphere that you either are regularly in contact
Speaker 1: with or could pull close again, gets really important to
Speaker 1: take the risk to do just that, because when we're
Speaker 1: filling alone and isolated, connecting with someone that we trust
Speaker 1: is it is definitely an antidote, right. But you ask
Speaker 1: the question, Olivia, which is, well, what if you you
Speaker 1: don't have that? And that is I mean, I think
Speaker 1: we can all agree that if that is the case,
Speaker 1: that you really feel like there isn't anyone in your
Speaker 1: life presently that you can lean into, that's really really,
Speaker 1: really hard. And so I start where I often end,
Speaker 1: which is trying to find some kind of services, therapeutic services,
Speaker 1: even like the low fee clinic I was talking about,
Speaker 1: so you have someone to bridge until you can start
Speaker 1: building a community again. I think it's really critical and important.
Speaker 1: Part of my recommendation and advice is going to be
Speaker 1: to work towards building a community. You know, whether that
Speaker 1: comes from I mean it's a weird time with COVID
Speaker 1: and everything, but whether that comes from like an online
Speaker 1: book club or you know, taking an online class or
Speaker 1: turning up hike club or something, right, I mean, finding
Speaker 1: ways to start again is critical because it really is
Speaker 1: one of the primary ways that we heal from isolation
Speaker 1: and loneliness. Is is healthy and and and safe connection
Speaker 1: and um some of the other things that I've already
Speaker 1: talked about, which is kind of expanding or developing a
Speaker 1: spiritual practice can be helpful during times like this, like
Speaker 1: what getting into Like what's my connection to a higher power?
Speaker 1: If that resonates, what's kind of my purpose in in life?
Speaker 1: And can I use this really odd, lonely difficult time
Speaker 1: to get to know myself a little better? And I
Speaker 1: say that with clear understanding that that doesn't remove loneliness
Speaker 1: and isolation, but can over the long run, build some
Speaker 1: resilience and fortitude. Yeah, I feel like this could kind
Speaker 1: of be a segue into this, maybe not, but ways
Speaker 1: to manage social pressure about being thirty and never having
Speaker 1: a boyfriend or a significant other before. Yeah, that's hard. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it is hard, And I think that's that's that's where
Speaker 1: I begin is again, having you know, compassion for the
Speaker 1: real feelings about it that an individual might have, that
Speaker 1: if it's something that you wanted and haven't had that
Speaker 1: that that is hard and and maybe sad and frustrating,
Speaker 1: and allowing yourself to have deep compassion around that, also
Speaker 1: allowing some sort of exploration of the societal pressures around that,
Speaker 1: and trying to make some decisions about how much of
Speaker 1: that you are going to allow to impact you, right,
Speaker 1: because maybe maybe in your sphere it is okay, right,
Speaker 1: maybe in your sphere or deep down, um it it
Speaker 1: isn't as important to you as society that you have
Speaker 1: a boyfriend by the time you're thirty, but maybe it is.
Speaker 1: So I'm just offering that for someone who's like, actually,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm talking I'd time with that. And
Speaker 1: it's really about the pressure from my mother or from
Speaker 1: people that constantly asked me, so, who are you dating
Speaker 1: or when you're gonna get married. A lot of dynamics
Speaker 1: that impact how we feel about it. So getting to
Speaker 1: know your specific true feelings around that might provide some relief.
Speaker 1: And and then I think being able to just give
Speaker 1: yourself grace, right, give yourself grace that um that those
Speaker 1: those kind of connections um sometimes take time for people
Speaker 1: and developed later in life. Um. Maybe there's work that
Speaker 1: you've done in yourself, maybe there's work you've done in
Speaker 1: your career, and maybe there's been deep connections you've formulated
Speaker 1: with your friend group or your family that have been
Speaker 1: primary for you. And allowing your journey to have different
Speaker 1: chapters than other people's journey is really important and can
Speaker 1: build a sense of self love if we embrace and
Speaker 1: pull close our own uniqueness. And so I, as I
Speaker 1: say many things, I recognize that's not an easy stance
Speaker 1: to take when you're facing societal pressures or peer pressure
Speaker 1: or that sense of comparison. But you're developing a narrative
Speaker 1: about your own journey that reflects your truth, I think
Speaker 1: is really important instead of just adopting the journey, that
Speaker 1: the narrative that like, oh, something's wrong with me because
Speaker 1: I don't have a boyfriend until I'm right. I mean,
Speaker 1: taking the measure of the other aspects of your life
Speaker 1: next to that truth is really important part of it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think like overall, um, I think like I
Speaker 1: know this is more about society, but also comparing yourself
Speaker 1: on social media, and this could go back to like
Speaker 1: any questions about body image or just comparison in general,
Speaker 1: or comparing your relationships somebody else is online, or comparing
Speaker 1: that you don't have a relationship to somebody else online.
Speaker 1: It's um, it's also you have to remind yourself, like
Speaker 1: especially this day and age, that like people are putting
Speaker 1: their highlights out on their social media and it's really
Speaker 1: easy to look at it and be like, wow, that
Speaker 1: looks like perfect their life seems so easy, but I mean,
Speaker 1: take it from me, I'm I'm just being very honest,
Speaker 1: Like I would never post something that I don't feel
Speaker 1: like the most confident in. There are so many photos
Speaker 1: in my camera role that will never see the light
Speaker 1: of day, of just like selfies that are just like
Speaker 1: I will nitpick till the end of the day, basically.
Speaker 1: So I think it's important to remind yourself that we
Speaker 1: are living in a world where we see so much,
Speaker 1: but so much of what we see is everybody's like
Speaker 1: highlight moments. And that's such a good point, and it
Speaker 1: reminds me that I often work with people in my
Speaker 1: private practice who post the kind of images that you're
Speaker 1: talking about, right, that's sort of perfect and capturing really
Speaker 1: um impressive connected um moments, and who share in a
Speaker 1: therapeutic setting that in fact, their relationship with their sign
Speaker 1: significant other is um conflictual um that they don't feel
Speaker 1: like they are paid attention to enough that they're on
Speaker 1: the verge of a breakup, right right. That's there's and
Speaker 1: that that isn't to say that some of those images
Speaker 1: perfectly capture someone's happy moments, right, But I think what
Speaker 1: you're pointing out is important that everyone has their their
Speaker 1: burdens to bear and has um uh issues and struggles
Speaker 1: even within the confines of their relationships their professional lives.
Speaker 1: And it's really important to ground ourselves and that truth.
Speaker 1: And I think it's really important for you to be
Speaker 1: open and authentic and vulnerable around that because because lots
Speaker 1: of girls look to you and I'm sure think that
Speaker 1: very thing about you, So to say out allowed that like, hey,
Speaker 1: like what I put out there is curated because I
Speaker 1: have my my own insecurities, things that I don't feel
Speaker 1: completely confident and is is really powerful. Yeah, it's it's hard,
Speaker 1: especially if you're like being young and this kind of
Speaker 1: upcoming generation of growing up with social media. I think
Speaker 1: I was one of the last generations to kind of
Speaker 1: escape that I went through my childhood not with an
Speaker 1: iPad or phone, just playing with dolls and you in
Speaker 1: my imagination and not seeing like magazine covers or you know,
Speaker 1: the commercials on the TV were very, very particular to
Speaker 1: what the age group was that was watching. It wasn't
Speaker 1: crazy stuff that would make a young child feel like,
Speaker 1: oh I should look like that right now. And so
Speaker 1: it's so interesting with social media, this is kind of
Speaker 1: like a random little point. But um, it's interesting that
Speaker 1: now thirteen year olds have a phone and instead of
Speaker 1: having curated commercials that are supposed to be like goofy
Speaker 1: and funny and not make you think I should look
Speaker 1: this way, they're following supermodels and influencers and people like
Speaker 1: me basically who post their best moments. And then you
Speaker 1: have young kids looking at you and you have this.
Speaker 1: Being in that position, I have like a sense of
Speaker 1: guilt because I'm like, I hope people do know that
Speaker 1: this is just my best moment and I'm putting it
Speaker 1: out because I feel really confident in it. But I
Speaker 1: don't want that to take away from somebody knowing like
Speaker 1: this isn't actually all reality. Yeah yeah, And I think
Speaker 1: it's conversations like that like this that helped to expand
Speaker 1: that truth and and hopefully begin to put more of
Speaker 1: that into the conversation. Because you're you're right a little
Speaker 1: a little, I mean, they are a little thirteen year
Speaker 1: olds who are aware now of of their body, and
Speaker 1: who are aware of um uh, their makeup and the
Speaker 1: clothes that they wear, and um, what kind of vibe
Speaker 1: certain images are putting forth and and such. These are
Speaker 1: not thoughts that thirteen year olds were a decade ago
Speaker 1: or two decades ago. We're pulled to think about and
Speaker 1: and that's a pressure and a burden and I don't
Speaker 1: I don't know that we can repair it or stop
Speaker 1: this train that is barreling along, but it's crazy. One
Speaker 1: of the things that we can do is have discussions about, like, hey,
Speaker 1: this is this is an aspect of my life in
Speaker 1: aspect and a fun one and one and um one
Speaker 1: that can be part of my professional life, etcetera. But
Speaker 1: there are other aspects now that our struggles and and
Speaker 1: hard and imperfect. I think it's the more that can
Speaker 1: be talked about, the better for everyone, and particularly for
Speaker 1: those kids. Yeah, and it's helpful for me sometimes to
Speaker 1: kind of think about, like before social media, just humans,
Speaker 1: like the way we're built and our and our brains
Speaker 1: and our bodies and everything, how we are just naturally born,
Speaker 1: Like we are never meant to see This is an
Speaker 1: Olivia fact looming preface. I have no research on this,
Speaker 1: but I believe we are never meant to see that
Speaker 1: many people in our lifetime. Like the amount of people
Speaker 1: we can reach on social media is insane to me,
Speaker 1: Like it's unfathomable that we can see so many young
Speaker 1: girls and boys and women and men and their bodies
Speaker 1: and their hair and what they're doing today and the
Speaker 1: life they live and where they live and how much
Speaker 1: money they have. And it's so so crazy to me
Speaker 1: that you have to remember, like this isn't probably the
Speaker 1: most normal thing for the human body, and just like
Speaker 1: how we are built to digest in a like a
Speaker 1: very healthy way, so like take it with a grain
Speaker 1: of salt too. I think you raised a good point
Speaker 1: that I had I hadn't really ever thought about, which
Speaker 1: is right. I mean, what you're saying is we're really
Speaker 1: not meant to reach and influence so many people just
Speaker 1: the moment. I mean, it's kind of a crazy paradigm
Speaker 1: when you think about it, right, totally, it's been developed
Speaker 1: where just a sort of a an obtuse kind of
Speaker 1: random thing that you do or post about is reaching
Speaker 1: so many people, as is the case for a lot
Speaker 1: of influencers, And it is kind of a bizarre, unusual,
Speaker 1: not well thought out paradigm in terms of the mental
Speaker 1: the mental health impact, right, And it just it just
Speaker 1: developed so quickly. So I think it's a good idea
Speaker 1: for people to have more consciousness about what they're consuming,
Speaker 1: not just the images, but what what it does to
Speaker 1: how they think about themselves and so their lives, to
Speaker 1: at least have conversation about it. Yeah, totally. Well, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for coming on the podcast again. I
Speaker 1: think we really kind of went through most of the questions.
Speaker 1: A lot of people had very similar questions to ask you,
Speaker 1: so hopefully this helped you, guys, And thank you so
Speaker 1: much for coming on again. People are obsessed with you.
Speaker 1: They love it. I mean the d ms I get
Speaker 1: after every episode, like damn, Olivia, this one really helped
Speaker 1: me today. It just it means everything to me, so
Speaker 1: thank you so much. I'm so glad, thanks for saying that.
Speaker 1: So good to be with you again. Yes, likewise, and
Speaker 1: thank you guys for listening, and we'll catch you next week.