WEBVTT - Conversations with...A Therapist (Third Times the Charm) 0:00:02.160 --> 0:00:06.680 This is Conversationous with Olivia Jade in My Heart Radio podcast. 0:00:10.000 --> 0:00:15.320 Hello everybody, welcome back to another episode of Conversations. Happy 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:19.000 New Year. I know that, um My last episode was 0:00:19.120 --> 0:00:22.279 really really well received from you guys, and it was 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:26.560 with Dr Hillary Gulture, who was an amazing therapist and honestly, 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:29.680 the few episodes I've had her on, she's really helped me. 0:00:29.840 --> 0:00:33.199 So today we wanted to completely put the focus on 0:00:33.280 --> 0:00:36.919 you guys, the viewers, the audience, the listeners, and I 0:00:37.000 --> 0:00:40.080 asked you guys to submit some questions. So maybe if 0:00:40.080 --> 0:00:42.879 you don't have access to therapy, or if you just 0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:46.960 are looking to get some advice from a professional, I 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:51.720 have an amazing therapist today, So please welcome Dr Hillary. Hello, 0:00:52.080 --> 0:00:55.200 um Hi, welcome back, Thank you, good to see you, 0:00:55.240 --> 0:00:57.560 Thanks for having me, Thank you for coming back. The 0:00:57.640 --> 0:01:00.680 last episode was obviously like really therapy cutic for me 0:01:00.760 --> 0:01:03.520 because I feel like we kind of talked about myself 0:01:03.560 --> 0:01:06.680 more than I normally like to. Um, So I'm really 0:01:06.720 --> 0:01:09.240 excited for today because we're going to put the focus 0:01:09.360 --> 0:01:12.520 on the listeners and we have a ton of questions 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:14.760 we didn't get to last time, so I kind of 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:16.560 want to just dive right in if you're good with it. 0:01:16.760 --> 0:01:20.080 By the way, proud of you for being vulnerable last time. 0:01:20.200 --> 0:01:23.800 Thank you. It was tough. I was like scared to 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:25.679 listen to it. Bag Oh my goh gosh, what did 0:01:25.680 --> 0:01:29.240 I say? Um, but I took it to Instagram. I 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:33.160 know our social media for the podcast, which is Conversations 0:01:33.160 --> 0:01:35.480 with Olivia Jade on Instagram. If you guys don't follow it, 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:36.959 check it out so you guys can be in the 0:01:37.040 --> 0:01:40.440 loop for future episodes. But I'm going to start with 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:43.720 the ones from actually today because I feel like it's 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:47.440 cool to do the most recent questions, and you guys 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:51.920 had some really really good questions for Dr Hillary, and 0:01:52.080 --> 0:01:54.960 I think we're going to start. Um. I think this 0:01:55.080 --> 0:01:56.680 is just a really good one in fitting for the 0:01:56.720 --> 0:01:58.880 new year, and just I think it could go in 0:01:58.920 --> 0:02:02.000 a lot of directions. The first question, don't worry, I'm 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:04.960 keeping them all anonymous, is how do you deal with 0:02:05.000 --> 0:02:07.920 everyone around you thriving and you feel stuck in the 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:13.040 same place in life? M h yes. Um. That's such 0:02:13.080 --> 0:02:19.760 a common and devastating dynamic, right. I think we've all 0:02:19.800 --> 0:02:22.480 had seasons in our lives when we felt that way, 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:26.920 when our life has been stagnant or we felt a 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:32.000 sense of paralysis and um our friend group or our 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:36.960 family or significant other relative to where we experience ourselves 0:02:36.960 --> 0:02:41.240 are are doing better, and it's super triggering. It's super 0:02:41.320 --> 0:02:44.240 super triggering. So I sort of want to start as 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:47.560 as I always do. People who listen to me know this. 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:51.279 I I want to start in the validation, the acknowledgement, 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:54.160 the truth of it. That that is hard. And I 0:02:54.200 --> 0:02:57.960 think the more we push away and try to exile 0:02:58.120 --> 0:03:01.799 that feeling, the more it grows, the bigger it gets, 0:03:01.840 --> 0:03:04.840 the scarier it gets. So the first step, not the 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:06.720 only step, but the first step is to sort of 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:09.600 honor the feeling, is to recognize it, to kind of 0:03:10.040 --> 0:03:12.760 soften around it, to not try to resist it, to 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:15.200 not try to push it away, to really bring it close. 0:03:15.639 --> 0:03:17.639 What is this? What is a feeling? And what is 0:03:17.680 --> 0:03:20.720 it trying to tell me? Right, because it might be 0:03:20.760 --> 0:03:23.200 trying to tell us a number of things that are significant, 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:25.280 are important to listen to. It might be trying to 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:29.120 tell us something really specific about our path in life, 0:03:29.160 --> 0:03:31.640 that we need to get more directed, that we need 0:03:31.720 --> 0:03:33.680 to get more focused, we need to get more serious, 0:03:33.720 --> 0:03:39.760 and maybe telling us that are sort of amount of 0:03:40.240 --> 0:03:43.440 self love that we have inside of us. Our reservoir 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:47.000 of self love, if you will, is depleted, because if 0:03:47.040 --> 0:03:50.720 we're feeling so triggered by how others are doing relative 0:03:50.760 --> 0:03:54.960 to how we're doing, there's maybe something going on inside 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:57.880 of us that is having a tricky time kind of 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:02.160 honoring what's unique and special about us, where our journey 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:05.280 is at that particular time in our life. So really 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:08.760 trying to hone in on what those feelings are are 0:04:08.800 --> 0:04:13.360 telling us, and and then kind of getting to the 0:04:13.400 --> 0:04:15.760 more general part of it, what we can do when 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:19.200 that feeling comes and it's so uncomfortable. Sitting in I 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:22.960 don't know, envy and sitting in jealousy is such an 0:04:23.080 --> 0:04:27.040 ugly hard place to be. It feels so badly, and 0:04:27.080 --> 0:04:29.760 so I think tons of self compassion is really important, 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:33.839 and to just sort of sit in the feeling and 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:38.520 try to mobilize gratitude for the things that we do 0:04:38.640 --> 0:04:42.359 have in our life to help expand our perspective in 0:04:42.400 --> 0:04:45.919 those moments. So I think it's a really multilayered process, 0:04:45.960 --> 0:04:49.839 and I don't want to minimize how hard that feeling 0:04:49.880 --> 0:04:52.640 state is. So what I'm saying sort of a bunch 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:55.719 of tricks that once you employ them, you'll feel fine. Right, 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:58.760 This is a signal that a number of things are 0:04:58.760 --> 0:05:00.960 happening in our life that are a key and and 0:05:01.040 --> 0:05:03.400 so being able to get closer to what those things 0:05:03.400 --> 0:05:06.040 are and sitting in those feelings and listening to what 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:09.520 it's trying to tell us, I think is a really healthy, 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:12.720 although difficult place to start. That's really good advice. And 0:05:12.720 --> 0:05:15.880 this is definitely not an overnight process because I even 0:05:15.920 --> 0:05:18.160 feel like I've been there, and I feel like from 0:05:18.160 --> 0:05:20.200 an outside perspective that would be like, oh, whoa, you 0:05:20.240 --> 0:05:21.960 can relate to that too. But of course, when you 0:05:22.000 --> 0:05:24.880 see people around you that are thriving and you feel stuck, 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:28.440 there's nothing, there's nothing worse, You're just you compare yourself. 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:30.320 It gets to a point where you're so hard on 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:33.040 yourself and could be so difficult. But I also know 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:37.200 like with time it definitely helps, and um, it's not 0:05:37.279 --> 0:05:40.360 an overnight process at all. What you reminded me one 0:05:40.400 --> 0:05:44.559 of my favorite things to say to clients or folks 0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:47.640 that I'm working with is that no feeling states stays 0:05:47.680 --> 0:05:50.320 the same, No feeling state stays the same, and you 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:53.320 can you can check that with your own evidence. Right, 0:05:53.400 --> 0:05:55.479 the most moments that you've had in your life, the 0:05:55.560 --> 0:06:00.919 worst season of emotions always dissipates, always change, it's always shifts. 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:03.240 And so that's another thing that we can use is 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:06.240 self soothing in the moment, some version of like, it's 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:08.440 not always going to feel this way. That doesn't mean 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:11.840 it doesn't feel really bad, but feeling states constantly shift, 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:14.600 and so leaning into what it's trying to tell you 0:06:15.000 --> 0:06:17.839 can be really useful because it won't always be there. 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:21.600 That is so true. I love that. Um. All right, 0:06:21.760 --> 0:06:27.000 next question, somebody asked tips for self sabotage slash overthinking. 0:06:28.200 --> 0:06:32.479 M hm, So I guess they're asking tips to diminish 0:06:32.560 --> 0:06:37.920 the tendency towards sabotage and overthinking. Right, So those are well, 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:41.160 I guess those those two things could be combined. Um, 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:43.680 but let's let's let's sort of unpack them a little bit. 0:06:43.720 --> 0:06:47.560 So tips for self sabotage the first step, and and 0:06:47.640 --> 0:06:50.360 I guess your listener is already there, but is really 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:53.520 deeply recognizing that it's happening. I mean, one of the 0:06:53.560 --> 0:06:57.000 insidious parts of self sabotage is that oftentimes we don't 0:06:57.120 --> 0:07:01.479 recognize that it's happening, and we start to blame outside 0:07:01.560 --> 0:07:06.080 factors or start to imagine that we're just the target 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:09.080 of bad luck, etcetera, and and aren't recognizing that we 0:07:09.160 --> 0:07:13.040 may have actions are are inviting kind of negative toxic 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:16.120 patterns or dynamics or people in our lives. So the 0:07:16.120 --> 0:07:19.400 first step is recognizing it and being really authentic with 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:21.960 yourself about it that like, wow, there may be something 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:26.040 I'm doing that's bringing in things into my life, whether 0:07:26.120 --> 0:07:31.960 it's people or behaviors or external events or activities that 0:07:32.000 --> 0:07:35.200 aren't working for me to really lean into like wow, 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:38.200 this is a scary admission, but I think there's something 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:41.040 going on here that I'm contributing to, and that can 0:07:41.080 --> 0:07:43.240 be a really scary thing to admit. So I think 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:46.160 deeply leaning into that truth, if it is a truth 0:07:46.200 --> 0:07:49.160 for you, is a really important first step. And then 0:07:49.160 --> 0:07:52.520 the next thing I would recommend is to slow way 0:07:52.640 --> 0:07:57.720 down because self sabotage happens really quickly, and it happens 0:07:57.800 --> 0:08:01.000 kind of in a cloaked way, right it it's so unconscious, 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:03.520 and in some cases it's kind of involuntary, so we 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:07.080 don't even recognize it's happening until we're sitting in like 0:08:07.120 --> 0:08:10.880 the collateral damage of it all. So really slowing way 0:08:10.920 --> 0:08:15.040 down if you have specific arenas in which outcomes are 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:17.960 not going well, you know, whether it's romantic relationships or 0:08:18.000 --> 0:08:21.520 in your professional life, etcetera. Really slowing down when you're 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:27.640 engaging in activities or dialogue or decisions around it, recognizing 0:08:27.680 --> 0:08:30.440 the thoughts that you're having, recognizing the decisions that you're 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:34.600 making based on those thoughts, consulting with trusted others. Really 0:08:34.640 --> 0:08:39.120 slowing down because self sabotage usually comes um from a 0:08:39.160 --> 0:08:43.440 place of anxiety and and fear, and from a place 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:48.080 of fear around having success taking up more space in 0:08:48.120 --> 0:08:52.119 the world, you know, sort of um realizing your full potential. 0:08:52.280 --> 0:08:55.319 So really slowing down to explore what those feelings are 0:08:55.360 --> 0:08:57.600 if you were to allow yourself to bring in more 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:00.880 good and to understand what the stackles are. So that 0:09:01.000 --> 0:09:03.160 that's a lot to do on on on your own, 0:09:04.880 --> 0:09:08.880 I mean, but but engaging in journaling or meditating can help. 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:11.400 And of course I always end up at some point 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:14.440 when we talk recommending therapy if this is something that 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:18.240 is really a dynamic taking over your life and and 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:22.360 just to quickly address over thinking. Overthinking is a is 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:27.640 an offshoot of anxiety. Right, we have consuming thoughts, we ruminate, 0:09:27.880 --> 0:09:30.679 and it can be devastating. It can really change how 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:33.280 we move through the world. And so I have a 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:38.240 couple of recommendations. One is meditating, reading, journaling, So those 0:09:38.240 --> 0:09:40.760 thoughts have a time and a place and then can 0:09:40.800 --> 0:09:44.319 be sort of, um, have a specific finite time to 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:47.520 be done with them and getting our body used to 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:50.240 that process of taking them out and putting them back 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:53.679 and kind of alongside that. And we talked about a 0:09:53.800 --> 0:09:55.840 version of this, you and I UM last time, we 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:58.760 talked about that five minute idea, this idea that if 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:01.400 you have an issue that you're over thinking about, really 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:03.800 putting a time limit on it, that like, I'm gonna 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:06.160 take the next ten fifteen minutes, I'm gonna journal about it, 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:07.960 I'm gonna think about I'm gonna talk to my best 0:10:07.960 --> 0:10:10.240 buddy about it, and then i'm gonna stop. I'm gonna 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:14.319 put it away. I'm going to purposely engage in compartmentalization, 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:17.920 like healthy compartation. This is difficult, it doesn't mean it 0:10:17.960 --> 0:10:20.760 won't prop up and sort of you know, um, you know, 0:10:21.000 --> 0:10:22.680 focus on the shoulder and try to get us to 0:10:22.720 --> 0:10:24.680 think about it again. But if we build up a 0:10:24.720 --> 0:10:28.760 practice that kind of interrupts the neural pathways that get 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:30.560 us to have a thought and go all the way 0:10:30.640 --> 0:10:35.560 to the devastating angsty outcome, if we interrupt those neural 0:10:35.559 --> 0:10:39.880 pathways with other healthier behaviors over time, the overthinking naturally 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:43.240 begins to dissipate. Interesting, and somebody kind of had like 0:10:43.320 --> 0:10:45.800 a it was a different user, but kind of a 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:50.280 branch off question about overthinking. They said, how to stop overthinking? 0:10:50.360 --> 0:10:53.280 Specially if you have traumas about bad things that have 0:10:53.360 --> 0:10:55.800 happened to you. Is that kind of the same advice, 0:10:55.880 --> 0:10:58.560 Or if it's like a deep, deep trauma that somebody 0:10:58.600 --> 0:11:00.840 might have occurred in their childhood it or at some 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:04.760 phase in their life, would you recommend something different? Definitely. 0:11:04.840 --> 0:11:07.040 I'm glad that question got asked, because if we're talking 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:11.520 about trauma and we're using the term overthinking in that context, 0:11:11.600 --> 0:11:15.680 we potentially are talking about PTSD, which is post extress disorder, 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:20.719 and one of the key symptoms of PTSD is I 0:11:20.720 --> 0:11:23.000 wouldn't call it overthinking, but I understand how it would 0:11:23.000 --> 0:11:26.920 feel just like that. But is intrusive thoughts Intrusive thoughts 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:30.240 that we cannot control, whether it's around reliving the trauma, 0:11:30.280 --> 0:11:33.840 whether it's around intrusive thoughts about who you are, your 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:36.840 relationship that you're in, what your life is about, etcetera. 0:11:37.000 --> 0:11:41.400 Intrusive thoughts that are uncontrollable, that feel like they are 0:11:41.480 --> 0:11:45.719 invading um your ability to really function. And so if 0:11:45.720 --> 0:11:48.439 we're talking about a version of that, and it doesn't 0:11:48.480 --> 0:11:50.840 have to be as extreme as I was just describing, 0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:54.560 but anywhere on the spectrum of intrusive thoughts related to 0:11:54.960 --> 0:11:58.599 tied to past trauma, that is an absolute signal to 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:03.480 seek services for treatment around trauma and PTSD, And it 0:12:03.559 --> 0:12:07.000 would be much more difficult, as I'm sure your user 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:10.960 UM would agree to on our own try to stop 0:12:11.000 --> 0:12:14.520 that kind of intrusive thinking, right, and you can start 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:17.960 to feel hopeless and helpless if you're trying to control 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:20.120 that on your own and it's not working and you're 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:22.920 feeling more and more overwhelmed. So I would just say, 0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:25.080 if that's happening, you know that those are symptoms of 0:12:25.120 --> 0:12:28.720 PTSD and there was absolutely help out there, really clear 0:12:28.800 --> 0:12:33.960 therapeutic um approaches to helping folks deal with PTSD. So 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:36.480 so I would recommend services as soon as possible. If 0:12:36.480 --> 0:12:39.680 that's the case, great, and somebody also, I guess we 0:12:39.720 --> 0:12:42.520 can bounce kind of off this to somebody had asked, 0:12:42.559 --> 0:12:45.920 I gone through bad trauma, but financially I can't afford 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:48.480 that extra help and that therapy. Is there something that 0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:51.000 you're talking about that maybe listeners don't know about that 0:12:51.040 --> 0:12:54.320 they could access that maybe not as expensive or just 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:58.520 like a little bit more in reach for so many people. Yes, 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:02.679 most most communities, I mean, and certainly it's it's more 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:06.000 the case in bigger cities, but most communities have low 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:10.600 fee clinics where folks that are going through training to 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:15.840 become doctorates in psychology or clinicians or therapists, et cetera, 0:13:16.840 --> 0:13:20.160 do their pre or post doc hours and are supervised 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:24.200 by licensed professionals. All of this to say, very solid 0:13:24.320 --> 0:13:28.320 services available at these low fee clinics. And so if 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:31.200 whatever city that you live in, googling some version of 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:35.080 you know, Chicago, low fee clinics for therapy could yield 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:38.600 opportunities that are you know, as low as ten, fifteen, 0:13:38.640 --> 0:13:42.440 twenty dollars or less for therapy services that are good 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:46.160 and really solid. So that's sort of a I guess, 0:13:46.160 --> 0:13:50.600 like a not well known resource that's available in most communities. Wow, 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:54.040 I had no idea. That's so interesting. Um, okay, well, 0:13:54.040 --> 0:13:56.800 this next question I can relate to this. I feel 0:13:56.840 --> 0:14:00.559 like most people can relate to this. Men, women, everyone basically. 0:14:00.679 --> 0:14:03.680 But it's body image and how to create a healthy 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:07.199 mindset around it. This is so hard and it's such 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:09.400 a tricky question, and I feel like I can't even 0:14:09.480 --> 0:14:12.640 wait to hear the answer because I relate, especially with 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:16.000 social media and seeing everybody and comparing yourself, it's so 0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:19.280 easy to do that. So do you have any advice 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:23.440 on this topic? Yeah, it's it's such a difficult one. 0:14:23.480 --> 0:14:27.160 And as you can imagine in my private practice, I 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:32.560 think most every woman And unfortunately it typically lands with 0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:35.640 with women and lives there because of so many of 0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:38.480 the socio cultural pressures that are out there and the 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:42.200 images that are put forth. But it is ubiquitous and 0:14:42.200 --> 0:14:45.880 and kind of kind of devastating. Um, the burden that 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:51.920 most women carry around this And surprisingly and but noteworthy, 0:14:51.960 --> 0:14:55.440 regardless of what a woman's body looks like, many if 0:14:55.440 --> 0:15:00.680 not most women feel about the same. And UM, that 0:15:00.880 --> 0:15:05.080 leads me into my next piece, which is that beginning 0:15:05.080 --> 0:15:08.520 to recognize that a good part of one's relationship with 0:15:08.560 --> 0:15:11.680 their body isn't really about their body? Is a good 0:15:11.680 --> 0:15:14.240 place to start. I want to first say, which I 0:15:14.280 --> 0:15:16.560 sort of alluded to a moment ago. There are so 0:15:16.600 --> 0:15:22.560 many pressures about body image, right, social media images that 0:15:22.600 --> 0:15:25.880 we face and the poll to compare are you everywhere, 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:28.760 and we have to confront them regularly, and I don't 0:15:28.760 --> 0:15:30.960 think that's going to change anytime soon. So I don't 0:15:30.960 --> 0:15:34.480 want to diminish the reality of what it really is 0:15:34.520 --> 0:15:37.000 like to look at bodies that appear to be perfect 0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:39.960 and compare them to our own and look at the 0:15:39.960 --> 0:15:42.880 gap and feel badly about it. So I'm not trying 0:15:42.880 --> 0:15:45.960 to suggest that that isn't a true dynamic, but that's 0:15:46.000 --> 0:15:48.360 also one of the dynamics in this equation that we 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:51.160 actually can't control. We're going to confront those images, um, 0:15:51.160 --> 0:15:54.480 We're going to confront bodies that look differently than ours, 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:57.280 And there are pieces of this equation that we can 0:15:57.360 --> 0:15:59.560 start to take control of, Which is the part that 0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:04.240 isn't really about our body, because it again sort of 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:08.000 reflects some version of a deficit of of of self love, 0:16:08.120 --> 0:16:12.200 some depletion in our tank of self love, right, And 0:16:12.680 --> 0:16:15.240 you know, it's not that we can't have wishes or 0:16:15.400 --> 0:16:17.960 ideas or sadness or frustration about how we might want 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:20.080 our body to look relative to how it does look, 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:23.920 but leaning into the parts of us that are more 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:27.160 defining of how we move through the world, the services 0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:29.760 that we're supposed to provide during our time on earth, 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:33.400 how we treat all kindness. And I know that when 0:16:33.800 --> 0:16:35.960 I'm talking about these things and you're looking at like 0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:39.240 a bikini pick of someone that you follow, it's kind 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:41.720 of hard to lean into, like, well, who who am 0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:45.160 I supposed to serve in my right? Such a differnt um, 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:48.800 you know, reservoirs from which to pull, But developing a 0:16:48.880 --> 0:16:53.200 more spiritual practice about who we want to be in 0:16:53.240 --> 0:16:55.600 the world, how we want to show up, and what 0:16:55.680 --> 0:17:00.720 we define as kind of success and loveability and worthiness 0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:03.440 is a really important practice to start to lean into. 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:07.000 It's not an immediate solution to the problems that we 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:10.680 are facing around body image stuff, but in my experience, 0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:15.280 it really is the only approach that has longevity because 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:18.439 our bodies change, we get older, um and all of 0:17:18.480 --> 0:17:22.360 the media that is entering our sphere is constant, and 0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:28.840 so if it's more around working out or how we 0:17:28.880 --> 0:17:33.719 eat or um. Even body positivity, the idea of like 0:17:33.760 --> 0:17:37.080 loving our body no matter what, which I'm all for, um, 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:39.480 that still doesn't get to like the core core issue 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:43.240 that doesn't change regardless of the input that we're getting 0:17:43.280 --> 0:17:47.919 from the outside. So it's really beginning a practice of 0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:51.560 self love and a philosophy around how we want to 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.640 confront those things. It's a it's a it's a long journey. 0:17:54.800 --> 0:17:57.800 It's a journey. I've never thought of it that way too, 0:17:57.840 --> 0:18:00.240 because I think it's so naturally just jump to at 0:18:00.320 --> 0:18:01.720 least for me, like I'll be like, oh, I'm just 0:18:01.720 --> 0:18:04.080 not working out enough, I'm not eating right. I treated 0:18:04.080 --> 0:18:05.840 my body like this week like I have to get 0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:07.920 back on it, and I get so hard on myself 0:18:07.960 --> 0:18:10.439 and it can be such a downward spiral from that 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:13.879 moment on, and it's it sucks. It's the worst feeling ever. 0:18:13.960 --> 0:18:17.000 But I think also knowing that your body's individual and 0:18:17.080 --> 0:18:19.359 unique and literally nobody else on the planet has it, 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:21.880 and take care of it if you're healthy, Like, it's 0:18:21.920 --> 0:18:24.080 such a blessing if you are healthy and have an 0:18:24.119 --> 0:18:43.080 able body. All right, next question, this is actually a 0:18:43.119 --> 0:18:45.440 good one, and I think a lot of females can 0:18:45.480 --> 0:18:48.480 relate to this, and I'm sure males too, But you'll 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:50.160 see why I said that it says how to build 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:52.640 a relationship with your mom when you argue so much. 0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:55.000 I think that's just such a dynamic, at least with 0:18:55.160 --> 0:18:57.119 like my friends and people. I've heard that that you 0:18:57.160 --> 0:18:59.720 guys can butt head so easily at a certain age, 0:18:59.720 --> 0:19:05.760 and I for, um, what's some advice for that? Yeah, 0:19:05.160 --> 0:19:09.560 I think it's it's so common, um for young women 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:13.440 to struggle with their relationship with their mother. I think 0:19:13.560 --> 0:19:17.120 is women, young women are beginning to try to individuate 0:19:17.200 --> 0:19:21.040 and find their own full selves. There's this push and 0:19:21.040 --> 0:19:24.840 pull between how much you want to rely on your mother, 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:27.120 how much you do rely on your mother, how much 0:19:27.160 --> 0:19:33.480 she parents you, versus respect your individualtion. Your individuality is 0:19:33.680 --> 0:19:37.320 um is a spoken and unspoken verbal and nonverbal dynamic 0:19:37.320 --> 0:19:41.880 that gets played out between mothers and daughters um uh 0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:46.360 sort of overtime and and I think gets exacerbated around 0:19:46.520 --> 0:19:50.360 like teens in early twenties. So, having said all that, 0:19:50.440 --> 0:19:55.520 I think it's it's really about communication and communication that 0:19:55.560 --> 0:19:59.760 can be productive and direct and respectful versus the kind 0:19:59.800 --> 0:20:03.600 of communication that often occurs between mom and daughter, which 0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:07.159 is like frustration and um kind of coming together and 0:20:07.240 --> 0:20:11.040 pushing yourpart coming together and pushing apart. So I recommend 0:20:11.160 --> 0:20:14.080 if there are specific things, for example, that your mother 0:20:14.200 --> 0:20:16.960 does that that doesn't feel good, you feel like she 0:20:17.040 --> 0:20:22.560 criticizes you, for example, right instead of in the heat 0:20:22.680 --> 0:20:26.760 of the moment, in the aftermath of a criticism, trying 0:20:26.840 --> 0:20:32.119 to discuss how that impacts you, trying to uh manage 0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:37.439 your mother's tendencies outside of the moment, when you're in 0:20:37.520 --> 0:20:41.480 a calmer, connected sort of situation with your mother, being 0:20:41.560 --> 0:20:44.719 able to take the risk, be vulnerable enough to be like, 0:20:44.840 --> 0:20:47.040 I want to talk to you about something. I want 0:20:47.080 --> 0:20:48.480 to talk to you about something that seems to be 0:20:48.520 --> 0:20:51.320 like this dynamic between us where when I tell you 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:53.199 something that I want to do, and I tell you 0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:54.919 something that I really want to work on or I 0:20:54.960 --> 0:20:59.000 really want to achieve, that you tend to doubt me, 0:20:59.080 --> 0:21:00.879 that you tend to criticize as my approach, and that 0:21:00.920 --> 0:21:04.480 really hurts. And you know, trying to at least have 0:21:04.560 --> 0:21:07.400 a dialogue that's direct and that's delivered in a way 0:21:07.440 --> 0:21:11.000 that's respectful and digestible, I think is really really important. 0:21:11.480 --> 0:21:13.280 And you and I talked about when I'm about saying 0:21:13.280 --> 0:21:17.240 our on our last time together, but also recognizing when 0:21:17.240 --> 0:21:19.720 you're in a situation where you're not going to be 0:21:19.760 --> 0:21:24.399 able to get what you want, and that's devastating, that's 0:21:24.480 --> 0:21:27.200 grief worthy, that's frustrating, that can bring about a lot 0:21:27.200 --> 0:21:31.440 of anger. But recognizing it and figuring out what you're 0:21:31.480 --> 0:21:33.840 going to do as a result of that starts to 0:21:33.880 --> 0:21:36.560 begin to save a lot of pain and angst and 0:21:37.280 --> 0:21:42.960 um misplaced vulnerability. Right, So to recognize, for example, that 0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:45.240 our mother is not available to have sort of a 0:21:45.359 --> 0:21:51.840 vulnerable real dialogue with us, or can't interrupt for her 0:21:51.920 --> 0:21:56.000 tendency to criticize, then being able to start setting boundaries 0:21:56.040 --> 0:21:57.720 with her. So maybe I'm not going to talk to 0:21:57.760 --> 0:22:00.360 about vulnerable stuff. So maybe if she's getting in that mode, 0:22:00.400 --> 0:22:01.800 I'm going to say, you know what, this doesn't feel 0:22:01.800 --> 0:22:04.080 really good. I'm gonna I'm ana head upstairs around the 0:22:04.119 --> 0:22:07.480 sack of night. Right, Instead of engaging in the behavior 0:22:07.560 --> 0:22:10.000 that we end up not feeling good about in the 0:22:10.080 --> 0:22:14.879 face of their toxic behavior, we set boundaries both with 0:22:14.920 --> 0:22:18.679 them and with ourselves process, no doubt, but this is 0:22:18.880 --> 0:22:23.280 these are the bullet points, the highlights of that question. Um, 0:22:23.600 --> 0:22:28.840 let's kind of take it to some relationship questions, because damn, 0:22:28.840 --> 0:22:31.080 you guys flooded me with those. I don't even know 0:22:31.119 --> 0:22:35.040 where to start. Um. A big one was tips on 0:22:35.119 --> 0:22:37.879 how to get over a breakup, heartbreak, etcetera. And then 0:22:37.880 --> 0:22:39.840 a lot of people were also asking how to get 0:22:39.880 --> 0:22:42.000 over somebody if you've never even dated them and you 0:22:42.119 --> 0:22:44.239 kind of just like made up this situation in your 0:22:44.240 --> 0:22:46.600 head and now you feel that same like weight of 0:22:46.600 --> 0:22:51.280 a heartbreak. I guess, yeah, yeah, Well, I think probably 0:22:51.320 --> 0:22:55.280 the things that I will talk about getting over a 0:22:56.000 --> 0:22:59.439 heartbreak where you've been in a connected internet relationship with 0:22:59.480 --> 0:23:02.720 someone will apply to the ladder, but I'll make some distinctions. 0:23:03.359 --> 0:23:06.040