Speaker 1: I think seventy two percent of girls don't do something
Speaker 1: because they're worried about the way that they look. There's
Speaker 1: a psychological phenomenon called the spotlight effect.
Speaker 2: In this week's episode, I have Roxy Nafuzi.
Speaker 3: She is a self development coach, a speaker, and the
Speaker 3: Queen of Manifestation. Her newest book Confidence, offering eight practical,
Speaker 3: powerful steps and tools to help you to stop doubting yourself.
Speaker 1: I've just started dating, have you Nothing brings out your
Speaker 1: insecurities like dating?
Speaker 3: Lack of confidence could also potentially come from self obsession.
Speaker 3: And I'm saying this all from a personal point of view.
Speaker 1: But there is such a feeling of empowerment when you
Speaker 1: are able to recognize what you need, what you won't
Speaker 1: stand for, and honoring yourself.
Speaker 4: I'm rather Dablukiah and on my podcast A really Good Cry,
Speaker 4: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
Speaker 4: for raw, unfielded conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
Speaker 4: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for being on this podcast. I
Speaker 3: appreciate it so much and I'm so happy that you're here.
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you so much. For having me. I'm honestly
Speaker 1: been so excited to see you.
Speaker 3: Me too. And if anybody doesn't know, I mean and
Speaker 3: Rocky you have known each other for how many years?
Speaker 1: Oh God? Good for you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I feel like I've been such a fan
Speaker 3: of you online and then when I got to meet
Speaker 3: you in person, I just felt that same genuine energy
Speaker 3: and I felt that we just.
Speaker 2: Had been friends for such a long time.
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, me too.
Speaker 3: I've been reading your book Confidence, and I have to
Speaker 3: say it has been such a beautiful read. I felt
Speaker 3: like I got so many personal reflections from it. But
Speaker 3: even reading it as someone who was about to interview you,
Speaker 3: it made me think of how many people are going
Speaker 3: to benefit from it, but at every single age group.
Speaker 3: And I think sometimes in a book that's really difficult
Speaker 3: to hit because usually you get a target audience. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but I feel like confidence is something you can struggle
Speaker 3: with from five years up till ninety five years old.
Speaker 2: So thank you so much for creating this wonderful piece
Speaker 2: of our.
Speaker 1: Honestly, that means so much. And I think you know
Speaker 1: so right. When I think about Confidence, I think the
Speaker 1: first thing that always comes to my mind is that
Speaker 1: the pursuit of confidence and the need for confidence is
Speaker 1: such a universal thing. And when I ever, I do workshots,
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm in front of a room of
Speaker 1: let's say, thousands of people, and I always say to them, like,
Speaker 1: who here can honestly say that they are free of
Speaker 1: all self doubt? Who is like truly confident in who
Speaker 1: they are? And nobody will raise their hand. And it's
Speaker 1: really funny because as humans, I think that we think
Speaker 1: that our insecurities or our journey with low self worth
Speaker 1: is such a like so low pursuit. We think that
Speaker 1: we're the only ones in it, and yet the person
Speaker 1: next to us is battling the same things. We just
Speaker 1: don't tell each other enough, and so we don't realize
Speaker 1: that it's something that we all in search of.
Speaker 2: It's so true.
Speaker 3: And with everything that you've been through in your life,
Speaker 3: and obviously you've just written a book on confidence, would
Speaker 3: you say, at this point in your life you feel
Speaker 3: like you're a confident person?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: You know, that's so nice that it always just say yes, yes,
Speaker 3: in that question.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what, honestly, Rdy, I really can't tell
Speaker 1: you how much I have loathed myself all of my life,
Speaker 1: and I don't remember. I think probably when I was
Speaker 1: And I always say this, all kids like are born confident, right,
Speaker 1: And I talk about it in the book that kids generally,
Speaker 1: if you look at young children, they are full of
Speaker 1: self worth. They're not self conscious. Little kids are walking
Speaker 1: around the supermarket is Elsa or Superman, and they don't
Speaker 1: care who's watching. Like they're so happy to express themselves
Speaker 1: in all the ways that they want. And then, essentially,
Speaker 1: like life happens to us and for whatever reason, whether
Speaker 1: it's because of our caregivers, our friends, our teachers, society, essentially,
Speaker 1: we all come to believe that we're not enough as
Speaker 1: we are. And I definitely came to that belief very
Speaker 1: very early on, and because of a series of many,
Speaker 1: many different events, that belief was so compounded and I
Speaker 1: lost all my sense of self and I just felt
Speaker 1: so deeply unlovable and spent my teen years trying to
Speaker 1: mold myself into what other people might want from me
Speaker 1: or what made me likable, and still didn't figure it out,
Speaker 1: and then found drugs and alcohol, which is the quickest
Speaker 1: way to find false confidence, and that just made things
Speaker 1: worse because then comes addiction and shame and guilt, and
Speaker 1: then when all that came away, when I was pregnant
Speaker 1: with Wolf, I had to suddenly give everything up and
Speaker 1: what was revealed to me was the kind of depth
Speaker 1: of my self loathing. And that really was the hardest
Speaker 1: time of my life, without doubt. It was every day
Speaker 1: was like such a struggle to just get through to
Speaker 1: the next minute. And it was literally for me, like
Speaker 1: a mental prison. And it all came down to this
Speaker 1: like deep self hatred. You know. I felt I was disgusting.
Speaker 1: I felt I was monstrous to look at, was a
Speaker 1: loser I was, And it was just such a dark
Speaker 1: time and I think I've only once ever talked about it.
Speaker 1: I won't go into like loads of detail now, but
Speaker 1: what I developed really really severe body dysmorphia disorder, which
Speaker 1: is an anxiety disorder that is a form of OCD.
Speaker 1: So it's repetitive looping thoughts of like severe self loathing,
Speaker 1: and there can be checking behaviors, and BDD is something
Speaker 1: that I think is more common than people realize, but
Speaker 1: people are very scared to admit when they have it
Speaker 1: because they think that it's about vanity and it's not.
Speaker 1: It's an anxiety disorder just in the same way you
Speaker 1: would have an OCD or an eating disorder, and the
Speaker 1: BDD is for anyone that's experienced it, it is.
Speaker 4: I.
Speaker 1: So I was not excited to speak about this, but anyway,
Speaker 1: it's so utterly exhausting, it's there's no your brain doesn't stop.
Speaker 1: All I thought about every minute of the day when
Speaker 1: I wasn't working was how disgusting I was really and
Speaker 1: it plagued all my life. I stopped seeing friends, I
Speaker 1: stopped leaving the house, even when we're in COVID. And
Speaker 1: you know, you could meet up with it with people
Speaker 1: for walks. I couldn't because in my head, if I
Speaker 1: met someone for a walk, all they would think about
Speaker 1: was how disgusting I was. And so I was convinced
Speaker 1: of it. So my journey to recovery and to finding
Speaker 1: self worth, not just overcoming the body dysmorphia, but also
Speaker 1: feeling confident in who I was was such an important
Speaker 1: one for me because as I was, you know, I'd
Speaker 1: launched Manifest in my career, I was growing, I was succeeding.
Speaker 1: I had confidence in that, but there was still this
Speaker 1: hole within me where I didn't feel fully worthy. And
Speaker 1: I knew that you know for me, the crux of
Speaker 1: manifestation is self worse. So for me to manifest as
Speaker 1: powerfully as I could, I needed to heal. So I
Speaker 1: made a really conscious decision that I needed to enjoy
Speaker 1: my life as much as possible, and I'd never be
Speaker 1: able to enjoy it if i didn't love myself to
Speaker 1: the most that I could. So I went on this journey.
Speaker 1: And so now when I'm asked this question like are
Speaker 1: you confident, I can't tell you how grateful and how
Speaker 1: proud I feel to be able to say yes, I
Speaker 1: actually really like who I am, and I really for me,
Speaker 1: one of my definitions of confidence is being able to
Speaker 1: walk into any room completely and utterly yourself and walk
Speaker 1: out of that room not worrying what everyone else thought
Speaker 1: about you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's great definition.
Speaker 1: And I feel like now I can do that. I
Speaker 1: can walk into a room and it's a feeling. It's
Speaker 1: like a feeling of just like you just feel grounded
Speaker 1: because you can walk in there with an ease because
Speaker 1: you're not preempting what if this person doesn't like me?
Speaker 1: What if I mess up? You're just like, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm safe to be who I am and know that
Speaker 1: that's enough. So that was the longest answer.
Speaker 2: I No, that was such a beautiful answer. Thank you
Speaker 2: for sharing all of that.
Speaker 3: And do you think that you know we spoke about
Speaker 3: you said how children you believe with confidence and then
Speaker 3: things happen in life. Would you say for most people
Speaker 3: it's a singular moment or do you think there's something
Speaker 3: in our mind that we start creating through the experiences
Speaker 3: that we're having.
Speaker 2: And what was it like for you?
Speaker 3: Was it a singular moment or was it Wow, there
Speaker 3: were so many things in my life that just kept
Speaker 3: knocking my confidence and I wasn't bouncing back from it.
Speaker 1: I think it can definitely be lots of moments put together. Look,
Speaker 1: for some people, there is one really significant trauma that
Speaker 1: happens that you could look back and say that was
Speaker 1: definitely the moment that impacted how I felt about myself.
Speaker 1: But for most people, it's lots of little moments. It's
Speaker 1: something that somebody said at school, across the playground, it's
Speaker 1: you know, I think even as parents, I can talk
Speaker 1: about it in the book, parents can think they're doing
Speaker 1: something good, Like if they always tell their children that
Speaker 1: they're pretty, or they always tell them that they're clever.
Speaker 1: Actually that you can think that's a good thing, right.
Speaker 1: Actually the child then pins all their worthiness on that identity,
Speaker 1: so then they think, oh god, well if I'm not
Speaker 1: clever or if I don't pass my exams, then what
Speaker 1: am I? Where have I got my worth from? So
Speaker 1: there's loads of different ways that it can happen, I think,
Speaker 1: and you know, I think part of it is like
Speaker 1: we are wired to need to belong and from an
Speaker 1: evolutionary perspective, that was where our safety came from, to
Speaker 1: be part of a tribe. And if I look at Wolf,
Speaker 1: you know, having kids is a great sort of like
Speaker 1: way to like view our minds experiments. It really is.
Speaker 1: And when he started school, I mean he was about
Speaker 1: just turned five, and he refused to wear the Spider
Speaker 1: Man hat I brought him, and I kept him being
Speaker 1: like you love Spider Man, like it got your Spider
Speaker 1: Man hat for Sainsbury's, Why are you wearing it? And
Speaker 1: eventually he was like, I'm scared the other boys will
Speaker 1: laugh at me. And that you know, where has he learned?
Speaker 1: That's not a learned thing. It just seems that somewhere
Speaker 1: as you start entering this new stage of life, we
Speaker 1: do start to become more aware of where we stand socially,
Speaker 1: and I think that's just part of evolution. I think
Speaker 1: that we all have it, but how that impacts us
Speaker 1: depends on so many different factors.
Speaker 3: I was thinking when I was reading the book of
Speaker 3: the word confidence, and I broke it down into confide
Speaker 3: in and what you were just saying when you knew
Speaker 3: that to be able to actually show up in the world,
Speaker 3: you really had to love yourself and believe in yourself.
Speaker 3: And that's really in my mind, I'm like, that's what
Speaker 3: confidence is, confiding in yourself. You should be able to
Speaker 3: look internally and think, I trust in my own voice,
Speaker 3: I trust in my own abilities.
Speaker 2: I believe in them. But I guess, how do you think.
Speaker 3: You can differentiate between confidence and arrogance or confidence and
Speaker 3: being pocky?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's such a good question because I
Speaker 1: think that one of the barriers that we actually have
Speaker 1: to confidence is that we are afraid of coming across
Speaker 1: as arrogance. So true, and especially I would say this
Speaker 1: is very much for women. So I talk about it
Speaker 1: in step Fivebrate Yourself, and it might be step six,
Speaker 1: I don't know, I can't remember. But in the steps
Speaker 1: celebrate yourself. I talk about this because what we've done
Speaker 1: is kind of across cultures. We really glorify humility, right,
Speaker 1: and being humble is one of the most desirable traits,
Speaker 1: you know, It's what makes you a good person or likable.
Speaker 1: And yes, being humble, of course is a really important
Speaker 1: trait to have. We want to it helps us to
Speaker 1: grow and you know, to it helps us to ground
Speaker 1: us right and be willing to become better people and
Speaker 1: to be kind to those around us. And being humble
Speaker 1: is good. But so often we take it too far,
Speaker 1: and we become self deprecating, and we can't accept compliments,
Speaker 1: and we can't accept praise from others, and we can't
Speaker 1: praise ourselves, and we can't speak highly of ourselves. We
Speaker 1: start small businesses and we're too scared to shout about
Speaker 1: on social media. We pass our exams and we don't
Speaker 1: want to celebrate it because we just say it was
Speaker 1: luck or do you know what I mean? And so
Speaker 1: this desire to be humble kind of we take that
Speaker 1: too far. And then on the other hand, we have
Speaker 1: this great fear of coming across as arrogant. And part
Speaker 1: of this I think is a bit of social conditioning,
Speaker 1: because quite often confident people are labeled as arrogant or
Speaker 1: up themselves or cocky, And sometimes I think that's really
Speaker 1: doing a disservice to people who are confident. And really
Speaker 1: I believe that those judgments come from probably a place
Speaker 1: of it comes from a wound, you know, it comes
Speaker 1: from a place of I kind of secretly maybe wish
Speaker 1: I had that confidence. And that's natural, And that's not
Speaker 1: to pass judgment on anyone. I've done it plenty of ties,
Speaker 1: or I've gone offor's so arrogant? And actually are they arrogant?
Speaker 1: Or am I just a little bit envious of their confidence?
Speaker 1: And actually I can use that envy to show me
Speaker 1: what needs healing, right, to show me that what I
Speaker 1: want more of, but arrogance and confidence, And it's so important.
Speaker 1: I have a whole chart in the book to differentiate them,
Speaker 1: like they are not the same thing. Arrogance is really
Speaker 1: about needing to be the best in the room. It's
Speaker 1: about needing to see yourself as superior to others and
Speaker 1: needing to put others down to make yourself feel better.
Speaker 1: Confidence is knowing that you are a work in progress,
Speaker 1: but also being sure of who you are. It's about
Speaker 1: loving yourself whilst also being able to admit that you're
Speaker 1: not perfect and that being okay. And I think they're
Speaker 1: so so different. And I often say it's like, if
Speaker 1: you're worried about being arrogant, you're probably not because arrogant
Speaker 1: people don't have that self awareness.
Speaker 3: So yeah, And you know, I think when you were
Speaker 3: talking about going into a room, and I think find
Speaker 3: the people that end up wanting to shout the loudest,
Speaker 3: or speak about themselves the most, or say in a
Speaker 3: way you can always feel that the energy behind what someone
Speaker 3: is saying.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And I think when you end up trying to be humble,
Speaker 3: most people end up being falsely humble.
Speaker 2: But you can also feel that we're like.
Speaker 3: No, I don't really want you to compliment, but really
Speaker 3: most people do like compliments.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And I think when you realize that your humility or
Speaker 3: what you keep saying negative about yourself is actually stopping
Speaker 3: your success, that's a sign that humility isn't actually working.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I find humility should be something that.
Speaker 3: Still helps you progress in your spiritual path, in your work,
Speaker 3: in every aspect of your life. But if you're being
Speaker 3: humble and it's stopping you from accepting, growing and becoming
Speaker 3: a better person, then you probably need to rethink and
Speaker 3: see maybe this isn't actually humility, and they need to
Speaker 3: rephrase how I say things. I think self deprecating language
Speaker 3: is just so common totally. It's just constantly, even if
Speaker 3: someone compliments your outfit, somehow you find a reason to say, no,
Speaker 3: it's not really that good.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah I got it on sale.
Speaker 1: We were talking about it yesterday. We walked into us
Speaker 1: doing a recording and of Lucy, someone said, oh, I
Speaker 1: love your boots and she was like, oh, they're only
Speaker 1: pri yeah exactly, when else said, oh, is you always
Speaker 1: do that? Stop saying that, like, just be And so
Speaker 1: I have this like tool for people to use. Actually,
Speaker 1: so when people and I share a growth in manifest
Speaker 1: and confidence because I love it so much. But when
Speaker 1: people give you a compliment, how you respond is a
Speaker 1: really reflection of your relationship with humility and self celebration.
Speaker 1: And so what I challenge people to do is when
Speaker 1: someone comes to you and they say, hey, you did
Speaker 1: amazing that presentation or oh my god, I loved that
Speaker 1: video you put on Instagram. I love you look amazing today,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Rather than pushing it away or saying
Speaker 1: no I didn't or downplaying it, I want you to
Speaker 1: just pause, take it in, like really allow yourself to
Speaker 1: hear it, and then respond with those two magical words,
Speaker 1: I know, thank you.
Speaker 2: Just say thank you.
Speaker 1: That's it, and it's so much less annoying. Also, because
Speaker 1: you know, when someone gives you a compliment, they're like, no,
Speaker 1: you don't, then you have to be like, no you do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I shouldn't have bothered it kind.
Speaker 3: Of has allowed the cycle of that conversation to be
Speaker 3: full circle. Or so you know when they say, if
Speaker 3: someone gives you a gift and you don't actually receive it, well,
Speaker 3: the cycle of giving and receiving isn't completed. Yes, and
Speaker 3: so the person who's actually giving you something is giving
Speaker 3: it to you an excitement, whether it's something physical, whether
Speaker 3: it's words, or whether it's energy or emotion.
Speaker 2: And then if you literally.
Speaker 1: Push it away from yourself, yeah, you're.
Speaker 3: Essentially pushing away something that they're trying to give.
Speaker 1: So true, it's like if you give someone a gift
Speaker 1: and they're like, oh, you shouldn't have, and you're like,
Speaker 1: do you know what I would have loved you to
Speaker 1: say thank you. Yeah, it would have been so nice.
Speaker 1: And you're right because it's so exciting gift giving. Yes,
Speaker 1: confliment is a gift exactly. Yeah, I love that. That's
Speaker 1: so true.
Speaker 3: And then the thing that you said about I feel
Speaker 3: with confidence so much of when I reflect in my
Speaker 3: life and I was reading the book, and I still
Speaker 3: think I'm working through a lot of the different things
Speaker 3: that allow me to feel full confidence in different areas
Speaker 3: of my life. But a big thing that changed it
Speaker 3: for me was when I started thinking about what I have,
Speaker 3: the skills that attributes the way that I look. Every
Speaker 3: single part of me has been a gift from God
Speaker 3: or from the universe to me. And when you think
Speaker 3: of it like that, everything can feel you can receive
Speaker 3: praise for it because you then don't have to necessarily
Speaker 3: take on as this is me and it's building my
Speaker 3: ego and I'm going to become.
Speaker 2: Arrogant from it.
Speaker 3: You think, yeah, actually, I am so grateful for it,
Speaker 3: and so saying thank you and accepting it is actually
Speaker 3: you accepting it as a way of showing gratitude to
Speaker 3: whoever you feel has given it to you. I love that,
Speaker 3: and I think that helps with that mindset of changing.
Speaker 2: It from oh no, don't compliment me too.
Speaker 3: Oh actually, yeah, I am so grateful for this, and
Speaker 3: so thank you so much for recognizing that in me.
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 3: Do you have you know, on the days that you
Speaker 3: I'm sure confidence till ebbs and flows depending on what
Speaker 3: you're doing, and on those days that you're feeling a
Speaker 3: little bit lower, do you have like an SOS confidence kit,
Speaker 3: like the things that you go to in the moments
Speaker 3: that you are finding yourself spiraling downwards or not feeling
Speaker 3: great about yourself?
Speaker 1: Do you know what? Yeah, I've just started dating. Have
Speaker 1: you brings out your insecurities? Like dating? Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: It's been a long time since I've been dating. And
Speaker 1: you know, really the last time I was dating was
Speaker 1: like seven years ago, right, and like properly and who
Speaker 1: I am now is like so different to her was then.
Speaker 1: So I'm in a much better place. I'm really independent.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, very like spiritually evolved since you know,
Speaker 1: back then, and yet still I noticed, like, oh gosh,
Speaker 1: like this feeling of like am I enough is coming back?
Speaker 1: And so for me, it was really a lot for me.
Speaker 1: It was like on the days where I have those
Speaker 1: like wobbles. Firstly, it's about like really being aware of
Speaker 1: your thoughts and not attaching to them. So for me,
Speaker 1: what I used to do, I think is have a
Speaker 1: thought attached to it and let it spiral, Whereas now
Speaker 1: I can be like, where is that thought coming from?
Speaker 1: Where is the not enoughness really coming from? And for me,
Speaker 1: this is like the first step of any change of
Speaker 1: self development. And actually it's a constant practice. And so
Speaker 1: I'm really I love like like dissecting my own past
Speaker 1: and giving myself that kind of therapy by journaling or
Speaker 1: just doing it in my thoughts and just saying, Okay, yeah, actually,
Speaker 1: what relationship am I taking myself back to? And so
Speaker 1: that for me, it doesn't sound like a really simple tool,
Speaker 1: but it is when you're in the practice of it,
Speaker 1: because you're just constantly being able to question your own
Speaker 1: thoughts rather than just like take them as facts.
Speaker 2: Definitely.
Speaker 1: The other is that I genuinely have got myself into
Speaker 1: a practice of changing my inner voice from I call
Speaker 1: it in the book, from the inner heckler to the
Speaker 1: inner cheerleader. And so I have this journal and every
Speaker 1: morning one of the prompts it's my Manifest Daily Journal.
Speaker 1: One of the prompts is a most facial message from
Speaker 1: your higher self, and so this took practice. So at
Speaker 1: the beginning I used to write like you got this,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like quite gherror, And
Speaker 1: then I started writing things like, Hey, you really deserve
Speaker 1: to feel the joy from today. You've worked so hard
Speaker 1: for this, or I know you're feeling I'm a bit
Speaker 1: low today, but I promise this will pass, and just
Speaker 1: remember how much you've achieved. And actually, I've got comfortable
Speaker 1: with that voice, and so much of change is about
Speaker 1: finding a new place of comfort with the way that
Speaker 1: you speak to yourself, and so it really is a practice.
Speaker 1: And so I'm always trying to think, what is like
Speaker 1: a kind of perspective or what is a kind of
Speaker 1: thing I could say to myself in this moment, And
Speaker 1: that's been really helpful for me.
Speaker 3: Do you think people always have to go backwards and
Speaker 3: figure out the root of their issues before being able
Speaker 3: to move forward.
Speaker 1: Yeah? I do, actually, because every meaning, all the meaning
Speaker 1: we attach to every experience we have is currently being
Speaker 1: viewed through a lens, and this lens is made murky
Speaker 1: from our current state of mind, our belief systems, our wounds,
Speaker 1: our pass and I truly believe that unless we process
Speaker 1: and figure out what lens we're looking at things through,
Speaker 1: will never be able to clear the way. Like we'll
Speaker 1: always be controlled by our past.
Speaker 2: You're kind of building on top of a broken foundation.
Speaker 1: One percent, and I think that it is. I used
Speaker 1: to really be Oh, like, what's the point in looking back?
Speaker 1: I just want to look forward. You just can't. It
Speaker 1: will always have a hold over you unless you let
Speaker 1: it go. Like even I'll share an example with you.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 1: So I had this really stressful two weeks at work,
Speaker 1: and part of the stress was coming from that some
Speaker 1: people really let me down at work and it made
Speaker 1: me feel so angry. I felt so frustrated, I felt
Speaker 1: so disappointed, and all I wanted was an apology. I
Speaker 1: just wanted them to take accountability. And I'm alia, so
Speaker 1: I forgive instantly, right li Liah. Yeah, So if someone
Speaker 1: says sorry, forget done, I'm over it, moved on. I
Speaker 1: don't care. I'm so forgiving, but I really need people
Speaker 1: to take accountability. And I was finding myself so stressed
Speaker 1: and so frustrated, and I spoke to my therapist about it.
Speaker 1: And she said to me, what really irritates you about people?
Speaker 1: And I said, the number one thing that irritates me
Speaker 1: is someone that can't take accountability for what they've done right.
Speaker 1: And she said, when did this happen to you before?
Speaker 1: And instantly a memory came up or something that had
Speaker 1: happened to me when I was younger, and this person
Speaker 1: had done something pretty awful to me and they never apologized,
Speaker 1: and me and this person never we didn't speak for
Speaker 1: three months, and three months later they started speaking to
Speaker 1: me again and just kind of pretended like nothing had happened.
Speaker 1: And I remember, in that moment so strong that I
Speaker 1: was about twelve at the time, thinking I just lost
Speaker 1: respect for them. But I felt, I can't believe you
Speaker 1: haven't just said sorry. And for me, what that meant
Speaker 1: was that my feelings didn't matter, that I didn't matter,
Speaker 1: I wasn't heard, I wasn't seen, I wasn't valued the
Speaker 1: things that we need right. So, now, as an adult,
Speaker 1: when somebody doesn't take accountability, I don't take it as
Speaker 1: what's happening now. I make it mean that I'm not
Speaker 1: being seen or heard, And so it stirs up such
Speaker 1: deep pain and emotion and so I'm not able to
Speaker 1: see the situation clearly because I'm focusing on the emotional
Speaker 1: reaction to it, that is from the past. As soon
Speaker 1: as I became aware of it, I was able to
Speaker 1: let it go right. And so that is for me
Speaker 1: the power in looking back and working on your past.
Speaker 3: It becomes so heavy as well, doesn't it, Because if
Speaker 3: you think about carrying all those things that you have
Speaker 3: been accumulating, of all the pain that you've taken in
Speaker 3: but not digested, all the trauma that you've taken in
Speaker 3: but locked away somewhere. It's still in you, but it's
Speaker 3: somewhere that's hidden away. Actually, if you think about it,
Speaker 3: you go through all these years and suddenly you realize
Speaker 3: you're carrying so much weight. And then the heaviness of
Speaker 3: that one situation that you'd already been in, the weight
Speaker 3: of that is continued in the conversations you're then having,
Speaker 3: So everything feels even more intense, even more irritating. You
Speaker 3: get even angry than you normally would have, because it's
Speaker 3: it's not a new situation, it's an old situation that
Speaker 3: you're still got all that weight attached to, and so
Speaker 3: something that you wouldn't normally have such a deep reaction
Speaker 3: to if you end up wilding out because it's not
Speaker 3: being triggered, is.
Speaker 1: Right exactly for people listening, because therapy, I know, can
Speaker 1: be really expensive, but people can do this on their own.
Speaker 1: So for anybody listening, what they can do is why
Speaker 1: don't you just for a moment, you could get a
Speaker 1: journal or a notepad and pen. Now you could pause
Speaker 1: this and just consider what are the patterns that are
Speaker 1: currently present in your life, like what keeps coming up
Speaker 1: for you, what issues, what situations that piss you off
Speaker 1: or make you sad or make you angry, and can
Speaker 1: you recognize any patterns within them, like within those situations,
Speaker 1: and then just look at when did I first experience
Speaker 1: something like this? And it can be as simple as that,
Speaker 1: And I really do say like that letting go that
Speaker 1: process it is just having the awareness. I don't know how,
Speaker 1: but it releases something.
Speaker 2: It's also being aware of what is this actual emotion?
Speaker 3: Because I feel like we such small emotional vocabulary where
Speaker 3: it's like this is making me angry, and then I
Speaker 3: read someone that anger is just a secondary emotion, So
Speaker 3: what are you actually feeling? What is the emotion you're
Speaker 3: actually feeling, what is it digging up inside of you?
Speaker 2: Linked back to it?
Speaker 3: Oh, it makes me feel unworthy, unheard, makes me feel
Speaker 3: like nobody's supporting me, makes me feel like no one's
Speaker 3: listening to me. I don't feel intelligent in this room
Speaker 3: because of something that someone said. Whatever, the deeper rooted
Speaker 3: feeling is, go beyond the Oh, I'm so angry right now,
Speaker 3: because okay, you're angry, But where has the anger actually
Speaker 3: come from? Because if it's a secondary emotion, there's somewhere
Speaker 3: deeper that you need to go. Absolutely, you spoke about dating,
Speaker 3: and one thing I've been surrounded by at the moment
Speaker 3: with are my friends who really struggle in dating situations
Speaker 3: to say no in set boundaries. And when you were
Speaker 3: saying that, I was like, I guess it is linked
Speaker 3: to confidence because your ability to say no in set
Speaker 3: boundaries is you being able to trust in your personal
Speaker 3: self and knowing that saying no is okay. And if
Speaker 3: they leave, if they decide that they don't want to
Speaker 3: go on a second date, if they decide that they
Speaker 3: don't want to be with you, that's a sign that
Speaker 3: they're not supposed to. But saying no seems to be
Speaker 3: something that women specifically struggle with so much, whether it's
Speaker 3: in relationships or in friendships and the boundaries being put up.
Speaker 3: What kind of recommendations or advice do you give to
Speaker 3: someone who's struggling to put up boundaries.
Speaker 1: Well, I think it all comes down to fear of rejection. Okay,
Speaker 1: so it's all really the fear is if I set
Speaker 1: a boundary, this person will leave me. Yes, And that
Speaker 1: fear of rejection bther is very real. And again, be
Speaker 1: kind to yourself about that, because that's an evolutionary response.
Speaker 1: The feeling of being rejected from your tribe would mean
Speaker 1: that you would be unsafe, and that would create feelings
Speaker 1: of an anxiety. So it's a very real thing. And
Speaker 1: so I think firstly, just be like kind to yourself
Speaker 1: by recognizing that actually it is causing a very real response.
Speaker 1: But I think that it's these with boundary setting. I
Speaker 1: think it's really like chicken egg because we can only
Speaker 1: gain confidence, well not only, but one of the ways
Speaker 1: that we gain confidence and self worth is by setting
Speaker 1: boundaries because there is so much there's such a feeling
Speaker 1: of empowerment when you are able to recognize what you need,
Speaker 1: what you won't stand for and honoring yourself and trusting
Speaker 1: that you are worth being honored like that is. So
Speaker 1: it's such a great feeling. Anybody who's ever a sat
Speaker 1: set of boundary will know how good it feels when
Speaker 1: you just say not, actually I'm not available for that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it is the best feeling. But the more confident that
Speaker 1: you are also the easier it is to do that.
Speaker 1: So you're kind of working on these things all the time.
Speaker 1: That's why these confident there's six steps of com six
Speaker 1: steps the eight steps of confidence that I lay out
Speaker 1: in my book. You really work on them simultaneously, and
Speaker 1: boundary setting is part of that. But I think we're
Speaker 1: dating specifically. The reason that that boundary setting is so
Speaker 1: hard is because, I mean, there's so many reasons, but
Speaker 1: some of them are that, you know, basically, what we've
Speaker 1: learned about whether we love starts from so young, right
Speaker 1: from you know, the way that we're the relationships that
Speaker 1: we have with our caregivers or parents. So that is
Speaker 1: like really deep within us. So to feel like we
Speaker 1: are most of us, most of us didn't have unconditional
Speaker 1: love right growing up. It's like it is conditional. It's
Speaker 1: if you are good, you are lovable, right, And that's
Speaker 1: not to blame our parents or our caregivers. It's just
Speaker 1: how they were taught to parent as well. And so
Speaker 1: it's very hard for us as adults to then believe
Speaker 1: that we are worthy of unconditional love. And I think
Speaker 1: that also there's society and our friends where you're constantly
Speaker 1: hearing the narrative it's so hard to meet someone. Yes,
Speaker 1: how many times do you hear people say that it's
Speaker 1: so hard to meet someone? These days? Nobody meet someone
Speaker 1: and it is trickier, that's true. But the more that
Speaker 1: we're saying it to each other, the more that we're
Speaker 1: kind of convincing ourselves that there's You're in the scarcity mindset.
Speaker 1: So well, if I set a boundary and I don't
Speaker 1: have this person, where the hell am I going to
Speaker 1: meet anyone else?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: So then you're stuck in this like, well, just take
Speaker 1: what I can get, rather than actually being able to say, no,
Speaker 1: I know I'm worth more than this and I'm going
Speaker 1: to wait. And that's what step four of my manifesting
Speaker 1: process overcome tests of overcome tests from the universe is
Speaker 1: really all about this. I truly believe that we won't
Speaker 1: meet our one until we are able to say no
Speaker 1: to what isn't right for us, And as long as
Speaker 1: we are allowing someone to treat us with any level
Speaker 1: of disrespect or you know, anything that really isn't reflective
Speaker 1: of what you actually want, we won't be able to
Speaker 1: create space for what you do want to ender your life.
Speaker 2: That makes so much sense.
Speaker 3: It's like you're already holding things in your hands, So
Speaker 3: how do you expect the God or universe?
Speaker 2: It's ready for you.
Speaker 3: But if you don't let go of what's not for you,
Speaker 3: you don't have the hands to catch what's for you,
Speaker 3: or even the eyes to rect that. It is that
Speaker 3: even if you're being sent all the signs, all this
Speaker 3: thing that I was just this morning listening to the
Speaker 3: audiobook of Conversations with God.
Speaker 2: Have you read that?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 3: I just got into the first chapter, but it was
Speaker 3: so beautiful because he was talking about how he was
Speaker 3: asking God, Okay, but how do I know you're talking
Speaker 3: to me?
Speaker 2: Universe? How do I know that you're speaking to me?
Speaker 3: And God said, I'm literally sending signs and signals all
Speaker 3: the time. I'm showing you not because words are actually
Speaker 3: the lowest form of communication. Words are actually the lowest,
Speaker 3: most unreliable form of communication.
Speaker 2: But actually through.
Speaker 3: The way that you actually feel, through the way people
Speaker 3: behave around you, through the tiny things that happen in
Speaker 3: your day. Those are the indications that I'm communicating with you,
Speaker 3: but you need the eyes to be able to see it,
Speaker 3: the hands to receive it. And I just thought that's
Speaker 3: so true, right, like that the signs are being shown
Speaker 3: to us all the time, but we have to know
Speaker 3: when to let go and when to receive, definitely, and
Speaker 3: that comes with I see confidence as alignment as well,
Speaker 3: because the more that you feel that you are spiritually
Speaker 3: connected or in alignment with the universe around you or
Speaker 3: with God, the more you're able to receive those signals
Speaker 3: and the more you know that they.
Speaker 2: Are the trusted source.
Speaker 1: Absolutely.
Speaker 3: But to get there, you obviously have to build self trust.
Speaker 3: And so what with some of the tools and techniques
Speaker 3: that you have used in your life to actually build
Speaker 3: trust in your own voice and your own capabilities.
Speaker 1: I think it's such a good point. So self trust
Speaker 1: for me is really being able to trust your own
Speaker 1: word and trust in your decision making, and they're kind
Speaker 1: of two separate things. So in terms of trusting your
Speaker 1: own word. I think it's really important that you do
Speaker 1: the things that you say you'll do. And for me,
Speaker 1: this is like really foundational to confidence. If you are
Speaker 1: saying to yourself, I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow,
Speaker 1: I'm going to finish this task, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: drink tonight, whatever it is. If you are saying those
Speaker 1: things to yourself and you're not doing them, then it's
Speaker 1: how are you going to learn to trust yourself? And
Speaker 1: so it really is about That's why I think self
Speaker 1: discipline is a form of self respect and self love,
Speaker 1: because you need to start following through with your own word,
Speaker 1: just in the same way that if you had someone
Speaker 1: in your life that never did the things they say
Speaker 1: they'd do, you'd stop trusting them, you'd lose respect for them,
Speaker 1: and so you have to treat yourself with the same
Speaker 1: kind of standards. The next thing is decision making. So
Speaker 1: I think that it's particularly when we have low self worth,
Speaker 1: we often turn to the people around us to help
Speaker 1: us make all our decisions. So you know, you might
Speaker 1: call your mum, what should I have for lunch today?
Speaker 1: You know? Or I don't know what to do, or
Speaker 1: should I post this on Instagram. Should I stay in
Speaker 1: this job? Should I break up with my boyfriend? We
Speaker 1: ask the people around us to help us make all
Speaker 1: our decisions, and actually, I think that being able to
Speaker 1: make our own decisions is like one of the quickest
Speaker 1: ways to building that self trust and self confidence. And
Speaker 1: so how do we do that? I often talk about
Speaker 1: us being able to visualize our higher self? Right, So
Speaker 1: if you were to sit and think about who is
Speaker 1: the best you that you could be, and visualize that
Speaker 1: version of yourself and think about what does that version
Speaker 1: of you do day to day, how do they feel
Speaker 1: about themselves, how do they walk into a room, what
Speaker 1: are they attracting into their life? And then I want
Speaker 1: you to use that higher self as your decision maker.
Speaker 1: So before every decision you make, instead of asking your
Speaker 1: friend what to do, you can ask yourself, what would
Speaker 1: my higher self do? And it is such an amazing
Speaker 1: It's like a filter for you, so that your decision
Speaker 1: filter that will help you to make more empowering decisions
Speaker 1: and gain that confidence on the way.
Speaker 3: Because then you also don't get stuck in the temporary
Speaker 3: feelings that you have. It's that my friends always text me,
Speaker 3: like I was saying should I text him?
Speaker 2: And I'm like, make the decision in the morning.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, don't do that right now, because what emotion
Speaker 3: you are feeling right now will not be the same
Speaker 3: as what you're feeling in the morning. And so that's
Speaker 3: obviously such a small example, but totally thinking of what
Speaker 3: would my higher self do, It's almost like thinking in
Speaker 3: the future, if you will.
Speaker 2: It's saying, Okay, how.
Speaker 3: Will I feel about myself in an hour's time, or
Speaker 3: if I was looking at myself from an outside point
Speaker 3: of view, what would make me feel happy in the
Speaker 3: decision that I made in that moment exactly.
Speaker 2: And I want to kind of go back.
Speaker 3: To addiction just a little bit, because I find for
Speaker 3: many of my friends as well that have been through
Speaker 3: difficulty and confidence or lack of self worth. It's so
Speaker 3: interesting how addiction plays such a big role in that.
Speaker 3: In whichever way, whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever it is,
Speaker 3: people's natural instinct is to go towards something that suppresses
Speaker 3: and gives temporary satisfaction, even though the pain is greater after.
Speaker 2: So after I know wolf was.
Speaker 3: The reason you ended up giving up, but what did
Speaker 3: you do in those struggling moments where you were going
Speaker 3: to turn to addiction, if you had any moments like that,
Speaker 3: and what were the things that actually stopped you, because
Speaker 3: I find that's the hardest moment to make those decisions.
Speaker 1: In so it's really interesting. I mean, I think ultimately
Speaker 1: what we're looking to do is escape, right and escape
Speaker 1: from the pain of being ourselves. And that's definitely what
Speaker 1: I was doing for a long time. And when I
Speaker 1: had Wolf, when I gave everything up during pregnancy, I
Speaker 1: have to say, it was unbelievably hard. Giving up smoking
Speaker 1: was one thing. Giving up drugs for me was horrendously difficult.
Speaker 1: Like all I wanted to do was like just go
Speaker 1: out and take drugs and it felt really hard. And
Speaker 1: actually what I at the time of being pregnant, I
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, when I have Wolf, I'm just going
Speaker 1: to go back to it, like I really wanted to.
Speaker 1: At that point, I thought that's what I would do.
Speaker 1: But what happened was during my pregnancy I started figuring
Speaker 1: out what my purpose was. I started figuring out what
Speaker 1: I wanted to do after I had Wolf, And straight
Speaker 1: after I had Wolf, I started to turn my life
Speaker 1: around and within five months I basically started my career,
Speaker 1: which was I started with hosting workshops. What kept me
Speaker 1: from going back to drugs wasn't necessarily being a mom,
Speaker 1: if I'm honest, it was that I found a purpose
Speaker 1: right and that I found something worth waking up for
Speaker 1: the next day and something that was giving me a
Speaker 1: sense of self worth. I felt like being of service
Speaker 1: to others was my reason for being and that all
Speaker 1: the pain I'd been in before was so that I
Speaker 1: could connect with others, and that feeling of being of service,
Speaker 1: that feeling of having something that was greater than me,
Speaker 1: became my anchor, and that was the start of my
Speaker 1: confidence journey, really, and that's why step seven of confidence
Speaker 1: is being of service. I think people underestimate how being
Speaker 1: of service can actually impact our own feeling of being
Speaker 1: valuable in the world and feeling like we are yeah,
Speaker 1: feeling we are of value, And I think it's so important,
Speaker 1: and that can be in any way. It can be
Speaker 1: through charitable work, volunteering, through what you do, but it
Speaker 1: can also just be through how you support the people
Speaker 1: close to your family, your friends. It doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be like it really can be anything, but just knowing
Speaker 1: that we can help others. I think it's just so integral.
Speaker 3: Yeah, when I read that part of the book, you know,
Speaker 3: every time I think about service, I think about it's
Speaker 3: just an opportunity to get yourself out of your own
Speaker 3: mind and into someone else's life or into someone else's
Speaker 3: pain or discomfort. And you also feel more useful in
Speaker 3: that situation, which helps with the purpose aspect of it.
Speaker 3: But it also made me think about how confidence or
Speaker 3: lack of confidence could also potentially come from self obsession
Speaker 3: in a certain way. And the reason I thought that
Speaker 3: was because when you end up obsessing over yourself so much,
Speaker 3: obsessing over how people see you, obsessing over looking in
Speaker 3: the mirror thirty forty fifty times before you go out
Speaker 3: of the house, obsessing over what you're wearing and what
Speaker 3: other people are thinking. And I'm saying this from a
Speaker 3: personal point of view because I used to It actually
Speaker 3: really messed up mine and Jay's relationship at the beginning,
Speaker 3: because I was so insecure of every.
Speaker 2: Part of my body my Okay, yeah, this is a
Speaker 2: really good cry for a reason.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I was so insecure that every time we would
Speaker 3: go out, I would the thing I'd be obsessing over
Speaker 3: was before we left the house. I would be like, oh,
Speaker 3: does this look weird on me, or every part of
Speaker 3: our conversation would be based around that I'm crime, because
Speaker 3: I was like, how sad it was back then that
Speaker 3: it ruined so much of my experience of the relationship,
Speaker 3: of the experience of going to.
Speaker 2: Wherever we were going.
Speaker 3: And it was so interesting to me because it went
Speaker 3: on four years from such a young age, probably because
Speaker 3: I grew up overweight and I was just always obsessing
Speaker 3: over that. But how it was purely through self obsession
Speaker 3: of the thought that other people are going to be
Speaker 3: thinking about all of this stuff to do with me
Speaker 3: when we people are just thinking about themselves. And so
Speaker 3: the obsessiveness of constantly thinking people are thinking about me,
Speaker 3: people are looking at me, people are doing all these
Speaker 3: things and it's all to do with me has destructive tendencies,
Speaker 3: Like it really is so destructive to the conversations you
Speaker 3: can have with people, even when you interact with them.
Speaker 3: I could be thinking right now, oh my god, I
Speaker 3: wonder what she's looking at me and what she thinks
Speaker 3: about my makeup, for example, Or I could be listening
Speaker 3: to what you are saying and participating in this conversation,
Speaker 3: and I just find it makes me sad for other people,
Speaker 3: thinking of there's so many people who go through that
Speaker 3: where it strips them and takes away their ability to
Speaker 3: actually connect, communicate and live in present moment with people,
Speaker 3: and I think it's such a difficult place to get
Speaker 3: out of as well. I think having obviously a partner
Speaker 3: who's so supportive in that and was like no, repeating
Speaker 3: himself over and over again, but eventually being like, I
Speaker 3: really want you to care about yourself and love yourself
Speaker 3: because I see you and I think you're this, this
Speaker 3: and this, you don't see it, and that nothing else matters.
Speaker 3: How other people see you makes no difference. And so
Speaker 3: I think creating these tools and techniques like you've got
Speaker 3: in both your books, I think it's just so important
Speaker 3: because the whole world just seems so sadder then happy.
Speaker 2: Don't you think?
Speaker 1: I agree? And thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 2: I expect to do that either, but.
Speaker 1: It's I think it's like so amazing to experience that
Speaker 1: kind of emotion and it's compassion, yeah, like feeling like
Speaker 1: sad for the old you, and like also I think
Speaker 1: sometimes it's also really touching to see how far you've
Speaker 1: come sometimes mind yourself, and it is really sad that
Speaker 1: we waste so much of our lives worried about what
Speaker 1: everyone else thinks of us. And I think there's a
Speaker 1: stat in the beginning of the book that Dove did
Speaker 1: which is, I think seventy two percent of young girls
Speaker 1: don't do something because they're worried about the way that
Speaker 1: they look. So they're like genuinely missing out on their life,
Speaker 1: so much of their life, and it's there's a psychological
Speaker 1: phenomenon called the spotlight effect, which is literally where we
Speaker 1: assume that other people are focusing on the things that
Speaker 1: we notice. So if we've got a spot, we're convinced
Speaker 1: that everybody's staring at it, or if we're messing up
Speaker 1: in gym, we think that someone's watching us. Yeah, nobody
Speaker 1: is nobody. We are not the main character of anyone
Speaker 1: else's story. No, nobody's say in the book, and like
Speaker 1: nobody's tuning into the next episode.
Speaker 2: They really don't.
Speaker 3: And I think as soon as you start living life
Speaker 3: that I had this lady called Liz Moody on my podcast,
Speaker 3: and she had something in her book that really changed
Speaker 3: it for me, where she said she was really conscious
Speaker 3: because she felt really uncomfortable in a swim suit, and
Speaker 3: so her whole family went on holiday and they all
Speaker 3: were in the ocean. She was like, there's no way
Speaker 3: I'm getting in the ocean because my thighs look like this.
Speaker 3: People are going to be thinking, why is she even
Speaker 3: in the ocean, Why is she even wearing that swim suit.
Speaker 3: She was sitting there, sitting there on the beach thinking
Speaker 3: that constantly while she was watching her whole family enjoy
Speaker 3: themselves so much. And suddenly she was like, when I'm
Speaker 3: eighty years old, am I going to be sitting there thinking,
Speaker 3: thank goodness those people didn't see my cellul like or
Speaker 3: am I going to be remembering feeling the ocean on
Speaker 3: my skin and feeling the sun and laughing with my family?
Speaker 3: And am I going to remember those laughs for the
Speaker 3: rest of my life? And she goes, in that moment,
Speaker 3: I took off my song and I ran into that ocean,
Speaker 3: and I remember that story and I share it so
Speaker 3: much because that is literally how we live most of
Speaker 3: our life. I'm not going to dance with my friends
Speaker 3: because I'm not going to dancing. I'm not gonna go
Speaker 3: out and wearing that thing I want to wear because
Speaker 3: my thighs don't look like that person's And I think
Speaker 3: jealousy moving on to something that I think is another
Speaker 3: part of lack of confidence.
Speaker 2: Which is jealousy.
Speaker 3: How in your life have you dealt with feeling emotions
Speaker 3: of jealousy of other women or other people in your life,
Speaker 3: and what are some tools that you've used to navigate that.
Speaker 1: So I think envy is a really it's a core emotion, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1: We have it from like children and honestly, like Wolf
Speaker 1: cannot to see his cousin Adam even look at one
Speaker 1: of his toys like oh my gosh, and you learn
Speaker 1: that it is a core emotion. But as adults, we
Speaker 1: have so much shame around it, like we don't want
Speaker 1: to admit that we're jealous. But it's normal to feel jealous, right,
Speaker 1: And I think that the first for me, I know
Speaker 1: that what I used to feel really jealous of was
Speaker 1: people on Instagram looking like happy and playful, playful and
Speaker 1: fun because I was in such a deep depression for
Speaker 1: all my life that when I see people on social
Speaker 1: media just being like care free, I'd be like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, like I would crave it, like it would
Speaker 1: make me feel so shit about myself. And I really struggled,
Speaker 1: I think with social media because I just didn't have
Speaker 1: any confidence myself. And I think that the thing with
Speaker 1: envy or is that it's most if we feel it
Speaker 1: the most in the areas of our life where we
Speaker 1: feel the most insecure. But I have a whole step
Speaker 1: on like how to stop comparing yourself to others, And
Speaker 1: I have lots of tools in the book about how
Speaker 1: to do that, and I've used them lots myself. So
Speaker 1: one of them is one that is turned envy into inspiration,
Speaker 1: So allow people to really like show you what's possible,
Speaker 1: rather than being being in this scarcity mindset where if
Speaker 1: someone has something that might have been less for you,
Speaker 1: it's in fact allowing someone else to show you what's possible.
Speaker 1: So being able to watch your envy, recognize when it
Speaker 1: props up and say, what is this showing me as possible?
Speaker 1: Or what's it showing me I need to heal more
Speaker 1: right in myself. But there's a few other tools that
Speaker 1: I love. One of them is all about changing your perspective.
Speaker 1: So I often think about if you I describe the
Speaker 1: situation of like if you're in a car and you're
Speaker 1: in a line of traffic, and if you're in a
Speaker 1: line of traffic and you were to look in your
Speaker 1: rear view, well, if you could be in sorry, imagine
Speaker 1: that you're in a line of traffic and you're looking
Speaker 1: ahead at all the people ahead of you, and you're like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I wish I was up at the front,
Speaker 1: right right. But if you took a moment to look
Speaker 1: at your rear view mirror and you saw all the
Speaker 1: line of traffic behind you, you might actually be able
Speaker 1: to just be like, do you know what? I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for where I am? And it's called basically, there's
Speaker 1: something called upward comparison and downward comparison. And upward comparison
Speaker 1: is where we tend to look at people that we
Speaker 1: perceive is better than us, and this can be quite
Speaker 1: damaging for our self esteem if done too much. Some
Speaker 1: is nice because it can push us right, it can
Speaker 1: push us to do better and to grow and destrive
Speaker 1: for more, but it can have a negative effect when
Speaker 1: we do it too much and we're constantly thinking that
Speaker 1: everyone else is better than us. Downward comparison, it's not
Speaker 1: about looking at people as if we are above them,
Speaker 1: but it's about understanding that we are fortunate for where
Speaker 1: we are, because there are people that don't have what
Speaker 1: we have yet, and so this is actually that's where
Speaker 1: you have a kind of healthy level of comparison, where
Speaker 1: you can have a little bit of both. So being
Speaker 1: able to just like sit back and just say, actually,
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful how far I've come, and I'm in
Speaker 1: such a fortunate position, because look, you know, by making
Speaker 1: some downward comparisons can be really helpful. Another thing that
Speaker 1: I love is consider what you don't know. So when
Speaker 1: we see somebody's something that someone has that we're jealous of,
Speaker 1: we're just seeing that one small part of their life.
Speaker 1: But consider what you don't know about them, or their challenges,
Speaker 1: their traumas, their difficulties that you can't see, And then
Speaker 1: ask yourself, would I really trade my entire life for their?
Speaker 1: And the answers always know, right, you'd rather rather the devil,
Speaker 1: you know, But you know, wouldn't you rather your own
Speaker 1: challenges and your own you know? But everything that you have,
Speaker 1: You wouldn't trade all of that just for one part
Speaker 1: of someone else's life.
Speaker 2: That's so true.
Speaker 3: And I always find jealousy sometimes comes out brings out
Speaker 3: the worst words and worst thoughts in your mind as well,
Speaker 3: where you become so much more critical about other people
Speaker 3: because you kind of don't want them to succeed, Like
Speaker 3: jealousy turns into this desire of oh, they can't really
Speaker 3: be that good or the must be a flaw in
Speaker 3: something there. So do you think you can be critical
Speaker 3: of others but still have confidence or do you think
Speaker 3: there has to be a disconnect between the two BOK.
Speaker 1: I think it's humans. I'm not going to sit here
Speaker 1: and say we never judge anyone. It's just not possible.
Speaker 1: But would I say that the majority of the time
Speaker 1: I see the best in people? Yes, I think that
Speaker 1: I don't care to because I feel confident in who
Speaker 1: I am. I'm not would why would it matter to
Speaker 1: me if someone wants to express themselves in this way
Speaker 1: or that? Like good free Everyone should be free to
Speaker 1: be who they are, And I think that really comes
Speaker 1: from confidence. And I definitely would say that those feelings
Speaker 1: of comparison or envy that I experienced before are much
Speaker 1: much much less. Not to say that I don't sometimes
Speaker 1: have the odd moment with a friend where we're like,
Speaker 1: you know, we're human. It happens sometimes, But if it
Speaker 1: does I'm also, but majority of the time, I will
Speaker 1: always give people the benefit of the doubt. And if
Speaker 1: I notice myself feeling jealous of someone, it's like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: what's that showing?
Speaker 2: Yeah, what is it that I want?
Speaker 1: Likely changing it? You know, I really think being happy
Speaker 1: for other people is such an amazing and wonderful quality
Speaker 1: to have, So I always whatever possible celebrate other people's success.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Whenever I used to get jealous or of other people,
Speaker 3: the first thing I would try and do is compliment
Speaker 3: them in my mind, yeah, or even out loud. Yeah,
Speaker 3: Because as soon as I get a negative thought about
Speaker 3: the moment, okay, but what is it about.
Speaker 2: Them that I truly admire?
Speaker 3: Yeah, because there's always admiration that's tucked into jealousy because
Speaker 3: obviously you want what that person has, And so trying
Speaker 3: to turn that jealousy into words of admiration or appreciation
Speaker 3: ends up being really useful in those moments too. You
Speaker 3: wrote in the book that confidence is built through action,
Speaker 3: not affirmation.
Speaker 2: Could you explain a little bit about what you mean
Speaker 2: by that?
Speaker 1: So I say that like, actions speak louder than words.
Speaker 1: So sometimes someone can show you they love you, not
Speaker 1: by just saying I love you, but helping you move house,
Speaker 1: bring you a cup of tea in the morning. It's
Speaker 1: through what you do. And I think the way we
Speaker 1: treat ourselves really does matter. I think that we can
Speaker 1: speak to ourselves kindly, and that's so important. But how
Speaker 1: are we treating ourselves? Are we giving our body the
Speaker 1: nutrients it needs? Are we moving it? Are you honoring
Speaker 1: rest when you need to? Are you getting fresh air
Speaker 1: and being out in nature? You know? I think that
Speaker 1: we need to show ourselves through the way that we
Speaker 1: treat ourselves, how what we deserve.
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, I think that action is very important, especially
Speaker 3: if you keep telling yourself something. It goes back to
Speaker 3: the self confidence and self trust, right you keep saying
Speaker 3: something and not doing it exactly.
Speaker 2: I wanted to go a list bit on.
Speaker 3: Affirmations and some affirmations of confidence that people can say
Speaker 3: every day.
Speaker 2: Do you have any favorites?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 1: My god, so many. My favorite favorite is I am enough.
Speaker 1: I have always been enough. I love that do The
Speaker 1: first time I said that when I cried so I
Speaker 1: think I just needed to hear it so much. I
Speaker 1: am proud of how far I have come. I am
Speaker 1: proud of who I am and who I am because
Speaker 1: is one that I love. I am of value to
Speaker 1: the world and people around me. I think a great
Speaker 1: way to figure out what affirmation is good for you
Speaker 1: is to think about what are your the limiting beliefs
Speaker 1: that you know that you hold, like, what are your
Speaker 1: things like? It might be that you don't feel like
Speaker 1: you're good with people, or you don't feel that you're
Speaker 1: clever enough to being the job that you're in, or
Speaker 1: whatever it is for you, And then basically you just
Speaker 1: write an affirmation that directly opposes that limiting belief. And
Speaker 1: I think what people always need to remember is that
Speaker 1: you don't need to believe it to be true to
Speaker 1: say it right like people say, but I don't believe that.
Speaker 1: How can I say I am, you know, incredible at
Speaker 1: interviews if I don't feel like I am right? Or
Speaker 1: how can I say I'm calma at ease when I'm
Speaker 1: feeling so anxious. But the point is that we're trying
Speaker 1: to give our brain these thoughts that it can then
Speaker 1: make reality by repeated use. And I think it, you know,
Speaker 1: Marissipi always says that your brain's job is to make
Speaker 1: your thoughts true. And I love the way she describes it,
Speaker 1: and it's, you know, we are telling our brain how
Speaker 1: to feel by inputting these like nourishing thoughts. And so
Speaker 1: I love affirmations, you know, first thing in the morning,
Speaker 1: as I'm waking up, when our brains are really susceptible
Speaker 1: to that positive messaging, That for me is my favorite.
Speaker 1: Like I'm always like a wake up, I'm excited for
Speaker 1: what today could bring. I'm resilient and strong, I'm ready
Speaker 1: to handle any challenges that come my way. I'm proud
Speaker 1: of where I am, you know, And so I think, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I just love affirmations.
Speaker 3: You're inviting it into existence, even if it doesn't already
Speaker 3: exist in your own mind or you don't believe it. Yeah,
Speaker 3: And starting your day off in that way, it creates
Speaker 3: that instead of a negative filter, you end up kind
Speaker 3: of putting in that the different lenses of living life
Speaker 3: through those those affirmations. Exactly, what would you say has
Speaker 3: been the hardest truth that you've had to learn on
Speaker 3: this journey?
Speaker 1: Healing really isn't like a linear process. Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: that I found it really challenging in time where I'd
Speaker 1: think that I'd made so much progress and I could
Speaker 1: have a long stretch of feeling incredible and then all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, I feel like I'm right back, but
Speaker 1: actually realizing you're never right back. And it was really
Speaker 1: hard to It was really scary for me at times
Speaker 1: because I thought, oh my god, I'm going back to
Speaker 1: that depression or it was that was scary, But actually
Speaker 1: now with experience, like the other I told you when
Speaker 1: I came in today, the other we you know, I
Speaker 1: had two weeks where I honestly don't remember the last
Speaker 1: time I felt that much anxiety. I really felt on
Speaker 1: the edge of like a breakdown. I felt really unwell mentally,
Speaker 1: and I hadn't felt that bad for a long time,
Speaker 1: and it was scary in a way, but I had
Speaker 1: enough experience to trust that something amazing was coming on
Speaker 1: the other side.
Speaker 2: I think you had all the tools and techniques you
Speaker 2: needed too. Yeah, sure you come out of it. Yeah
Speaker 2: you built that.
Speaker 1: I had the tools, but most importantly I had the hope. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And that's sometimes when you're in those moments, that is
Speaker 1: what you need, is you just need hope that after
Speaker 1: the dark days, better days are coming.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's really beautiful. Thank you.
Speaker 3: I'm going to do your last few quick fire questions.
Speaker 3: What's your favorite affirmation right now?
Speaker 1: I am ready to make my dreams come true.
Speaker 2: A book that changed your life from your own.
Speaker 1: The Four Agreements?
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, great book. What's always in your handbag?
Speaker 1: My phone and a pair of eyelash Curtis Nice?
Speaker 2: A place to visit that's still on your bucket list?
Speaker 1: Turs and cacos, me too.
Speaker 3: It saw someone there actually looks so gorgeous, beautiful, a
Speaker 3: quality that you're trying to embody or work on right now.
Speaker 1: Calm, just feeling more grounded and calm in my responses.
Speaker 3: Nice an area in your life that you're trying to
Speaker 3: grow and healing right now. Love, h and can you
Speaker 3: finish this sentence? Confidence is not being.
Speaker 1: The loudest in the room. Thank you so much, thank
Speaker 1: you so much, so wonderful, thank you.
Speaker 3: I'm so great the conversation and I really hope all
Speaker 3: of you got so much from it and it helps
Speaker 3: in your journey to becoming more confident than humans.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Thank you, my love.
Speaker 2: That was so lovely, so great.
Speaker 3: Thank you,