WEBVTT - Confidence: How to Build It, Be It, and Own It with Roxie Nafousi 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:04.120 I think seventy two percent of girls don't do something 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:06.000 because they're worried about the way that they look. There's 0:00:06.040 --> 0:00:09.040 a psychological phenomenon called the spotlight effect. 0:00:12.960 --> 0:00:15.200 In this week's episode, I have Roxy Nafuzi. 0:00:15.320 --> 0:00:17.960 She is a self development coach, a speaker, and the 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:21.920 Queen of Manifestation. Her newest book Confidence, offering eight practical, 0:00:22.040 --> 0:00:25.040 powerful steps and tools to help you to stop doubting yourself. 0:00:25.120 --> 0:00:28.920 I've just started dating, have you Nothing brings out your 0:00:28.960 --> 0:00:30.600 insecurities like dating? 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:35.200 Lack of confidence could also potentially come from self obsession. 0:00:35.280 --> 0:00:37.360 And I'm saying this all from a personal point of view. 0:00:37.280 --> 0:00:39.559 But there is such a feeling of empowerment when you 0:00:39.600 --> 0:00:42.280 are able to recognize what you need, what you won't 0:00:42.280 --> 0:00:44.280 stand for, and honoring yourself. 0:00:44.520 --> 0:00:47.640 I'm rather Dablukiah and on my podcast A really Good Cry, 0:00:47.840 --> 0:00:51.560 we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:55.680 for raw, unfielded conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:59.120 to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:02.960 Thank you so much for being on this podcast. I 0:01:03.000 --> 0:01:05.600 appreciate it so much and I'm so happy that you're here. 0:01:05.720 --> 0:01:07.720 Oh, thank you so much. For having me. I'm honestly 0:01:07.800 --> 0:01:09.080 been so excited to see you. 0:01:09.319 --> 0:01:11.120 Me too. And if anybody doesn't know, I mean and 0:01:11.200 --> 0:01:12.880 Rocky you have known each other for how many years? 0:01:13.160 --> 0:01:14.720 Oh God? Good for you. 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:17.080 Yeah, And I feel like I've been such a fan 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:18.680 of you online and then when I got to meet 0:01:18.680 --> 0:01:21.760 you in person, I just felt that same genuine energy 0:01:21.880 --> 0:01:23.119 and I felt that we just. 0:01:23.080 --> 0:01:24.399 Had been friends for such a long time. 0:01:24.520 --> 0:01:25.840 Yes, yeah, me too. 0:01:26.040 --> 0:01:29.200 I've been reading your book Confidence, and I have to 0:01:29.240 --> 0:01:32.440 say it has been such a beautiful read. I felt 0:01:32.440 --> 0:01:35.160 like I got so many personal reflections from it. But 0:01:35.240 --> 0:01:37.520 even reading it as someone who was about to interview you, 0:01:37.959 --> 0:01:40.280 it made me think of how many people are going 0:01:40.360 --> 0:01:43.000 to benefit from it, but at every single age group. 0:01:43.040 --> 0:01:45.000 And I think sometimes in a book that's really difficult 0:01:45.080 --> 0:01:48.080 to hit because usually you get a target audience. Yeah, 0:01:48.080 --> 0:01:50.320 but I feel like confidence is something you can struggle 0:01:50.360 --> 0:01:53.520 with from five years up till ninety five years old. 0:01:53.800 --> 0:01:56.040 So thank you so much for creating this wonderful piece 0:01:56.240 --> 0:01:56.640 of our. 0:01:57.240 --> 0:01:59.800 Honestly, that means so much. And I think you know 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:03.520 so right. When I think about Confidence, I think the 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:05.680 first thing that always comes to my mind is that 0:02:06.120 --> 0:02:09.040 the pursuit of confidence and the need for confidence is 0:02:09.080 --> 0:02:13.600 such a universal thing. And when I ever, I do workshots, 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:15.400 you know, and I'm in front of a room of 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:18.160 let's say, thousands of people, and I always say to them, like, 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:20.920 who here can honestly say that they are free of 0:02:20.960 --> 0:02:23.639 all self doubt? Who is like truly confident in who 0:02:23.680 --> 0:02:27.120 they are? And nobody will raise their hand. And it's 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:30.480 really funny because as humans, I think that we think 0:02:30.560 --> 0:02:34.080 that our insecurities or our journey with low self worth 0:02:34.200 --> 0:02:36.320 is such a like so low pursuit. We think that 0:02:36.320 --> 0:02:39.320 we're the only ones in it, and yet the person 0:02:39.400 --> 0:02:42.320 next to us is battling the same things. We just 0:02:42.320 --> 0:02:45.600 don't tell each other enough, and so we don't realize 0:02:45.600 --> 0:02:47.520 that it's something that we all in search of. 0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:48.799 It's so true. 0:02:48.880 --> 0:02:51.240 And with everything that you've been through in your life, 0:02:51.280 --> 0:02:53.720 and obviously you've just written a book on confidence, would 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:55.640 you say, at this point in your life you feel 0:02:55.680 --> 0:02:56.840 like you're a confident person? 0:02:57.320 --> 0:02:57.720 Yeah? 0:02:57.919 --> 0:03:01.880 You know, that's so nice that it always just say yes, yes, 0:03:01.880 --> 0:03:02.560 in that question. 0:03:02.680 --> 0:03:06.560 Yeah, you know what, honestly, Rdy, I really can't tell 0:03:06.600 --> 0:03:11.079 you how much I have loathed myself all of my life, 0:03:11.440 --> 0:03:15.080 and I don't remember. I think probably when I was 0:03:15.240 --> 0:03:18.280 And I always say this, all kids like are born confident, right, 0:03:18.320 --> 0:03:20.919 And I talk about it in the book that kids generally, 0:03:20.919 --> 0:03:23.440 if you look at young children, they are full of 0:03:23.480 --> 0:03:27.320 self worth. They're not self conscious. Little kids are walking 0:03:27.320 --> 0:03:30.919 around the supermarket is Elsa or Superman, and they don't 0:03:30.919 --> 0:03:33.560 care who's watching. Like they're so happy to express themselves 0:03:33.639 --> 0:03:36.680 in all the ways that they want. And then, essentially, 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:39.640 like life happens to us and for whatever reason, whether 0:03:39.680 --> 0:03:45.000 it's because of our caregivers, our friends, our teachers, society, essentially, 0:03:45.040 --> 0:03:47.120 we all come to believe that we're not enough as 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:50.920 we are. And I definitely came to that belief very 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:53.640 very early on, and because of a series of many, 0:03:53.680 --> 0:03:57.840 many different events, that belief was so compounded and I 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:01.320 lost all my sense of self and I just felt 0:04:01.320 --> 0:04:06.400 so deeply unlovable and spent my teen years trying to 0:04:06.440 --> 0:04:09.480 mold myself into what other people might want from me 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:13.240 or what made me likable, and still didn't figure it out, 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:16.479 and then found drugs and alcohol, which is the quickest 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:20.200 way to find false confidence, and that just made things 0:04:20.240 --> 0:04:24.200 worse because then comes addiction and shame and guilt, and 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:28.760 then when all that came away, when I was pregnant 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:32.000 with Wolf, I had to suddenly give everything up and 0:04:32.040 --> 0:04:34.839 what was revealed to me was the kind of depth 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:40.160 of my self loathing. And that really was the hardest 0:04:40.160 --> 0:04:44.440 time of my life, without doubt. It was every day 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:47.320 was like such a struggle to just get through to 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:50.479 the next minute. And it was literally for me, like 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:53.440 a mental prison. And it all came down to this 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:57.040 like deep self hatred. You know. I felt I was disgusting. 0:04:57.200 --> 0:05:00.840 I felt I was monstrous to look at, was a 0:05:00.920 --> 0:05:05.080 loser I was, And it was just such a dark 0:05:05.200 --> 0:05:08.680 time and I think I've only once ever talked about it. 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:10.880 I won't go into like loads of detail now, but 0:05:10.960 --> 0:05:16.080 what I developed really really severe body dysmorphia disorder, which 0:05:16.240 --> 0:05:18.920 is an anxiety disorder that is a form of OCD. 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:23.599 So it's repetitive looping thoughts of like severe self loathing, 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:27.400 and there can be checking behaviors, and BDD is something 0:05:27.440 --> 0:05:30.120 that I think is more common than people realize, but 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:32.359 people are very scared to admit when they have it 0:05:32.400 --> 0:05:34.360 because they think that it's about vanity and it's not. 0:05:34.440 --> 0:05:37.440 It's an anxiety disorder just in the same way you 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:42.560 would have an OCD or an eating disorder, and the 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:46.960 BDD is for anyone that's experienced it, it is. 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:48.680 I. 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:50.440 So I was not excited to speak about this, but anyway, 0:05:50.760 --> 0:05:56.280 it's so utterly exhausting, it's there's no your brain doesn't stop. 0:05:56.920 --> 0:05:59.560 All I thought about every minute of the day when 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:03.360 I wasn't working was how disgusting I was really and 0:06:03.800 --> 0:06:06.760 it plagued all my life. I stopped seeing friends, I 0:06:06.760 --> 0:06:08.800 stopped leaving the house, even when we're in COVID. And 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:10.280 you know, you could meet up with it with people 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:12.680 for walks. I couldn't because in my head, if I 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:14.920 met someone for a walk, all they would think about 0:06:14.960 --> 0:06:18.160 was how disgusting I was. And so I was convinced 0:06:18.160 --> 0:06:22.200 of it. So my journey to recovery and to finding 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:25.440 self worth, not just overcoming the body dysmorphia, but also 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:29.960 feeling confident in who I was was such an important 0:06:29.960 --> 0:06:33.520 one for me because as I was, you know, I'd 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:37.840 launched Manifest in my career, I was growing, I was succeeding. 0:06:37.880 --> 0:06:39.960 I had confidence in that, but there was still this 0:06:40.000 --> 0:06:43.640 hole within me where I didn't feel fully worthy. And 0:06:43.680 --> 0:06:46.000 I knew that you know for me, the crux of 0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:48.480 manifestation is self worse. So for me to manifest as 0:06:48.480 --> 0:06:51.080 powerfully as I could, I needed to heal. So I 0:06:52.120 --> 0:06:55.400 made a really conscious decision that I needed to enjoy 0:06:55.640 --> 0:06:57.440 my life as much as possible, and I'd never be 0:06:57.480 --> 0:07:00.320 able to enjoy it if i didn't love myself to 0:07:01.160 --> 0:07:03.800 the most that I could. So I went on this journey. 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:07.080 And so now when I'm asked this question like are 0:07:07.080 --> 0:07:11.200 you confident, I can't tell you how grateful and how 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:13.480 proud I feel to be able to say yes, I 0:07:13.520 --> 0:07:16.880 actually really like who I am, and I really for me, 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:20.240 one of my definitions of confidence is being able to 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:23.800 walk into any room completely and utterly yourself and walk 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:25.800 out of that room not worrying what everyone else thought 0:07:25.800 --> 0:07:26.240 about you. 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:28.120 Yeah, it's great definition. 0:07:27.720 --> 0:07:29.680 And I feel like now I can do that. I 0:07:29.680 --> 0:07:32.400 can walk into a room and it's a feeling. It's 0:07:32.440 --> 0:07:36.640 like a feeling of just like you just feel grounded 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:40.880 because you can walk in there with an ease because 0:07:40.920 --> 0:07:45.120 you're not preempting what if this person doesn't like me? 0:07:45.200 --> 0:07:47.080 What if I mess up? You're just like, you know, 0:07:47.160 --> 0:07:49.360 I'm safe to be who I am and know that 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:51.200 that's enough. So that was the longest answer. 0:07:51.200 --> 0:07:53.640 I No, that was such a beautiful answer. Thank you 0:07:53.680 --> 0:07:54.720 for sharing all of that. 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:57.600 And do you think that you know we spoke about 0:07:57.640 --> 0:08:01.840 you said how children you believe with confidence and then 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:04.640 things happen in life. Would you say for most people 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.480 it's a singular moment or do you think there's something 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:10.880 in our mind that we start creating through the experiences 0:08:10.920 --> 0:08:11.600 that we're having. 0:08:11.880 --> 0:08:12.840 And what was it like for you? 0:08:13.000 --> 0:08:15.360 Was it a singular moment or was it Wow, there 0:08:15.400 --> 0:08:17.200 were so many things in my life that just kept 0:08:17.240 --> 0:08:19.720 knocking my confidence and I wasn't bouncing back from it. 0:08:20.240 --> 0:08:23.760 I think it can definitely be lots of moments put together. Look, 0:08:23.800 --> 0:08:27.920 for some people, there is one really significant trauma that 0:08:28.040 --> 0:08:31.440 happens that you could look back and say that was 0:08:31.600 --> 0:08:35.280 definitely the moment that impacted how I felt about myself. 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:38.880 But for most people, it's lots of little moments. It's 0:08:38.960 --> 0:08:42.080 something that somebody said at school, across the playground, it's 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:44.719 you know, I think even as parents, I can talk 0:08:44.720 --> 0:08:46.720 about it in the book, parents can think they're doing 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:49.240 something good, Like if they always tell their children that 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:51.240 they're pretty, or they always tell them that they're clever. 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:53.920 Actually that you can think that's a good thing, right. 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:57.120 Actually the child then pins all their worthiness on that identity, 0:08:57.840 --> 0:08:59.440 so then they think, oh god, well if I'm not 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:02.319 clever or if I don't pass my exams, then what 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:04.760 am I? Where have I got my worth from? So 0:09:05.000 --> 0:09:07.480 there's loads of different ways that it can happen, I think, 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:11.080 and you know, I think part of it is like 0:09:11.640 --> 0:09:15.240 we are wired to need to belong and from an 0:09:15.240 --> 0:09:18.000 evolutionary perspective, that was where our safety came from, to 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:20.600 be part of a tribe. And if I look at Wolf, 0:09:20.679 --> 0:09:23.360 you know, having kids is a great sort of like 0:09:24.200 --> 0:09:28.160 way to like view our minds experiments. It really is. 0:09:28.520 --> 0:09:31.319 And when he started school, I mean he was about 0:09:32.080 --> 0:09:35.120 just turned five, and he refused to wear the Spider 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:37.040 Man hat I brought him, and I kept him being 0:09:37.080 --> 0:09:39.280 like you love Spider Man, like it got your Spider 0:09:39.280 --> 0:09:42.360 Man hat for Sainsbury's, Why are you wearing it? And 0:09:42.880 --> 0:09:45.079 eventually he was like, I'm scared the other boys will 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:48.600 laugh at me. And that you know, where has he learned? 0:09:48.679 --> 0:09:52.000 That's not a learned thing. It just seems that somewhere 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:55.160 as you start entering this new stage of life, we 0:09:55.280 --> 0:09:59.680 do start to become more aware of where we stand socially, 0:10:00.320 --> 0:10:04.040 and I think that's just part of evolution. I think 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:06.680 that we all have it, but how that impacts us 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:09.760 depends on so many different factors. 0:10:10.120 --> 0:10:11.840 I was thinking when I was reading the book of 0:10:11.920 --> 0:10:16.199 the word confidence, and I broke it down into confide 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:18.240 in and what you were just saying when you knew 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:20.400 that to be able to actually show up in the world, 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:23.360 you really had to love yourself and believe in yourself. 0:10:23.600 --> 0:10:25.280 And that's really in my mind, I'm like, that's what 0:10:25.320 --> 0:10:28.360 confidence is, confiding in yourself. You should be able to 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:31.880 look internally and think, I trust in my own voice, 0:10:31.920 --> 0:10:33.280 I trust in my own abilities. 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:37.000 I believe in them. But I guess, how do you think. 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:41.000 You can differentiate between confidence and arrogance or confidence and 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:41.600 being pocky? 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:46.160 Oh my god, it's such a good question because I 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:48.480 think that one of the barriers that we actually have 0:10:48.640 --> 0:10:52.440 to confidence is that we are afraid of coming across 0:10:52.440 --> 0:10:55.400 as arrogance. So true, and especially I would say this 0:10:55.440 --> 0:10:58.640 is very much for women. So I talk about it 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:02.360 in step Fivebrate Yourself, and it might be step six, 0:11:02.400 --> 0:11:04.880 I don't know, I can't remember. But in the steps 0:11:04.920 --> 0:11:09.600 celebrate yourself. I talk about this because what we've done 0:11:09.720 --> 0:11:14.840 is kind of across cultures. We really glorify humility, right, 0:11:15.040 --> 0:11:19.520 and being humble is one of the most desirable traits, 0:11:19.559 --> 0:11:22.240 you know, It's what makes you a good person or likable. 0:11:23.000 --> 0:11:25.960 And yes, being humble, of course is a really important 0:11:26.000 --> 0:11:28.560 trait to have. We want to it helps us to 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:33.720 grow and you know, to it helps us to ground 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:38.520 us right and be willing to become better people and 0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:41.000 to be kind to those around us. And being humble 0:11:41.080 --> 0:11:43.679 is good. But so often we take it too far, 0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:47.319 and we become self deprecating, and we can't accept compliments, 0:11:47.800 --> 0:11:51.079 and we can't accept praise from others, and we can't 0:11:51.120 --> 0:11:55.880 praise ourselves, and we can't speak highly of ourselves. We 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:58.320 start small businesses and we're too scared to shout about 0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:01.880 on social media. We pass our exams and we don't 0:12:01.920 --> 0:12:03.520 want to celebrate it because we just say it was 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:05.080 luck or do you know what I mean? And so 0:12:05.960 --> 0:12:09.160 this desire to be humble kind of we take that 0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:11.720 too far. And then on the other hand, we have 0:12:11.840 --> 0:12:15.080 this great fear of coming across as arrogant. And part 0:12:15.120 --> 0:12:17.160 of this I think is a bit of social conditioning, 0:12:17.200 --> 0:12:22.000 because quite often confident people are labeled as arrogant or 0:12:22.080 --> 0:12:27.040 up themselves or cocky, And sometimes I think that's really 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:30.160 doing a disservice to people who are confident. And really 0:12:30.320 --> 0:12:33.760 I believe that those judgments come from probably a place 0:12:33.840 --> 0:12:36.360 of it comes from a wound, you know, it comes 0:12:36.400 --> 0:12:39.440 from a place of I kind of secretly maybe wish 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:42.280 I had that confidence. And that's natural, And that's not 0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:44.800 to pass judgment on anyone. I've done it plenty of ties, 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:48.200 or I've gone offor's so arrogant? And actually are they arrogant? 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:50.440 Or am I just a little bit envious of their confidence? 0:12:50.480 --> 0:12:52.920 And actually I can use that envy to show me 0:12:52.960 --> 0:12:55.040 what needs healing, right, to show me that what I 0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:58.560 want more of, but arrogance and confidence, And it's so important. 0:12:58.600 --> 0:13:01.240 I have a whole chart in the book to differentiate them, 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:05.760 like they are not the same thing. Arrogance is really 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:08.719 about needing to be the best in the room. It's 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:12.760 about needing to see yourself as superior to others and 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:15.400 needing to put others down to make yourself feel better. 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:21.080 Confidence is knowing that you are a work in progress, 0:13:21.800 --> 0:13:25.120 but also being sure of who you are. It's about 0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:29.440 loving yourself whilst also being able to admit that you're 0:13:29.480 --> 0:13:32.600 not perfect and that being okay. And I think they're 0:13:32.720 --> 0:13:35.839 so so different. And I often say it's like, if 0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:39.440 you're worried about being arrogant, you're probably not because arrogant 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:41.119 people don't have that self awareness. 0:13:42.400 --> 0:13:45.160 So yeah, And you know, I think when you were 0:13:45.200 --> 0:13:47.960 talking about going into a room, and I think find 0:13:47.960 --> 0:13:50.440 the people that end up wanting to shout the loudest, 0:13:50.760 --> 0:13:53.560 or speak about themselves the most, or say in a 0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:56.079 way you can always feel that the energy behind what someone 0:13:56.160 --> 0:13:56.520 is saying. 0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:57.079 Yeah. 0:13:57.120 --> 0:14:00.520 And I think when you end up trying to be humble, 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:02.920 most people end up being falsely humble. 0:14:03.200 --> 0:14:04.880 But you can also feel that we're like. 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:07.800 No, I don't really want you to compliment, but really 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:09.200 most people do like compliments. 0:14:09.240 --> 0:14:09.640 Yeah. 0:14:09.679 --> 0:14:13.600 And I think when you realize that your humility or 0:14:13.640 --> 0:14:16.320 what you keep saying negative about yourself is actually stopping 0:14:16.360 --> 0:14:19.280 your success, that's a sign that humility isn't actually working. 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:21.840 Yeah, because I find humility should be something that. 0:14:21.760 --> 0:14:25.680 Still helps you progress in your spiritual path, in your work, 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:29.120 in every aspect of your life. But if you're being 0:14:29.240 --> 0:14:33.400 humble and it's stopping you from accepting, growing and becoming 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:36.120 a better person, then you probably need to rethink and 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:38.760 see maybe this isn't actually humility, and they need to 0:14:38.760 --> 0:14:41.840 rephrase how I say things. I think self deprecating language 0:14:41.880 --> 0:14:46.280 is just so common totally. It's just constantly, even if 0:14:46.280 --> 0:14:50.000 someone compliments your outfit, somehow you find a reason to say, no, 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:51.040 it's not really that good. 0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:52.440 Oh yeah I got it on sale. 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:54.920 We were talking about it yesterday. We walked into us 0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:58.360 doing a recording and of Lucy, someone said, oh, I 0:14:58.360 --> 0:14:59.680 love your boots and she was like, oh, they're only 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:02.560 pri yeah exactly, when else said, oh, is you always 0:15:02.600 --> 0:15:05.200 do that? Stop saying that, like, just be And so 0:15:05.240 --> 0:15:07.920 I have this like tool for people to use. Actually, 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:10.800 so when people and I share a growth in manifest 0:15:10.880 --> 0:15:13.480 and confidence because I love it so much. But when 0:15:13.560 --> 0:15:16.320 people give you a compliment, how you respond is a 0:15:16.360 --> 0:15:20.239 really reflection of your relationship with humility and self celebration. 0:15:20.720 --> 0:15:22.600 And so what I challenge people to do is when 0:15:22.600 --> 0:15:24.440 someone comes to you and they say, hey, you did 0:15:24.520 --> 0:15:28.040 amazing that presentation or oh my god, I loved that 0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:31.200 video you put on Instagram. I love you look amazing today, 0:15:31.280 --> 0:15:34.120 whatever it is. Rather than pushing it away or saying 0:15:34.120 --> 0:15:36.280 no I didn't or downplaying it, I want you to 0:15:36.360 --> 0:15:39.240 just pause, take it in, like really allow yourself to 0:15:39.280 --> 0:15:42.040 hear it, and then respond with those two magical words, 0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:43.080 I know, thank you. 0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:43.840 Just say thank you. 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:46.680 That's it, and it's so much less annoying. Also, because 0:15:46.680 --> 0:15:48.240 you know, when someone gives you a compliment, they're like, no, 0:15:48.280 --> 0:15:50.600 you don't, then you have to be like, no you do. Yeah, 0:15:50.600 --> 0:15:52.960 oh my god, I shouldn't have bothered it kind. 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:57.400 Of has allowed the cycle of that conversation to be 0:15:57.560 --> 0:15:59.520 full circle. Or so you know when they say, if 0:15:59.560 --> 0:16:02.000 someone gives you a gift and you don't actually receive it, well, 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:05.280 the cycle of giving and receiving isn't completed. Yes, and 0:16:05.360 --> 0:16:07.960 so the person who's actually giving you something is giving 0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:10.160 it to you an excitement, whether it's something physical, whether 0:16:10.200 --> 0:16:12.480 it's words, or whether it's energy or emotion. 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.120 And then if you literally. 0:16:14.920 --> 0:16:17.920 Push it away from yourself, yeah, you're. 0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:20.280 Essentially pushing away something that they're trying to give. 0:16:20.400 --> 0:16:22.200 So true, it's like if you give someone a gift 0:16:22.200 --> 0:16:24.280 and they're like, oh, you shouldn't have, and you're like, 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:25.440 do you know what I would have loved you to 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:27.840 say thank you. Yeah, it would have been so nice. 0:16:27.880 --> 0:16:30.840 And you're right because it's so exciting gift giving. Yes, 0:16:31.040 --> 0:16:33.600 confliment is a gift exactly. Yeah, I love that. That's 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:34.120 so true. 0:16:34.200 --> 0:16:37.160 And then the thing that you said about I feel 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:40.320 with confidence so much of when I reflect in my 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:42.160 life and I was reading the book, and I still 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:44.880 think I'm working through a lot of the different things 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:48.400 that allow me to feel full confidence in different areas 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:50.800 of my life. But a big thing that changed it 0:16:50.840 --> 0:16:54.240 for me was when I started thinking about what I have, 0:16:54.400 --> 0:16:56.880 the skills that attributes the way that I look. Every 0:16:56.920 --> 0:16:59.920 single part of me has been a gift from God 0:17:00.200 --> 0:17:03.680 or from the universe to me. And when you think 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:06.119 of it like that, everything can feel you can receive 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:08.680 praise for it because you then don't have to necessarily 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:10.919 take on as this is me and it's building my 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:12.400 ego and I'm going to become. 0:17:12.280 --> 0:17:13.040 Arrogant from it. 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:15.840 You think, yeah, actually, I am so grateful for it, 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:18.560 and so saying thank you and accepting it is actually 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:22.520 you accepting it as a way of showing gratitude to 0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:25.080 whoever you feel has given it to you. I love that, 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:29.000 and I think that helps with that mindset of changing. 0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:31.040 It from oh no, don't compliment me too. 0:17:31.080 --> 0:17:33.520 Oh actually, yeah, I am so grateful for this, and 0:17:33.600 --> 0:17:35.800 so thank you so much for recognizing that in me. 0:17:36.040 --> 0:17:36.720 I love that. 0:17:37.080 --> 0:17:39.080 Do you have you know, on the days that you 0:17:39.880 --> 0:17:42.439 I'm sure confidence till ebbs and flows depending on what 0:17:42.480 --> 0:17:46.040 you're doing, and on those days that you're feeling a 0:17:46.040 --> 0:17:48.720 little bit lower, do you have like an SOS confidence kit, 0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:51.800 like the things that you go to in the moments 0:17:51.800 --> 0:17:54.800 that you are finding yourself spiraling downwards or not feeling 0:17:54.840 --> 0:17:55.680 great about yourself? 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:58.680 Do you know what? Yeah, I've just started dating. Have 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:04.399 you brings out your insecurities? Like dating? Oh my gosh, 0:18:04.440 --> 0:18:07.360 It's been a long time since I've been dating. And 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:10.480 you know, really the last time I was dating was 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:14.920 like seven years ago, right, and like properly and who 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:17.080 I am now is like so different to her was then. 0:18:17.200 --> 0:18:20.880 So I'm in a much better place. I'm really independent. 0:18:21.200 --> 0:18:24.879 I'm like, you know, very like spiritually evolved since you know, 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:29.840 back then, and yet still I noticed, like, oh gosh, 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:32.600 like this feeling of like am I enough is coming back? 0:18:33.359 --> 0:18:35.879 And so for me, it was really a lot for me. 0:18:35.960 --> 0:18:37.920 It was like on the days where I have those 0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:42.560 like wobbles. Firstly, it's about like really being aware of 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:44.679 your thoughts and not attaching to them. So for me, 0:18:45.359 --> 0:18:46.879 what I used to do, I think is have a 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:49.840 thought attached to it and let it spiral, Whereas now 0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:53.359 I can be like, where is that thought coming from? 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:56.760 Where is the not enoughness really coming from? And for me, 0:18:56.880 --> 0:18:58.680 this is like the first step of any change of 0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:02.119 self development. And actually it's a constant practice. And so 0:19:03.119 --> 0:19:07.600 I'm really I love like like dissecting my own past 0:19:07.800 --> 0:19:11.000 and giving myself that kind of therapy by journaling or 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:14.080 just doing it in my thoughts and just saying, Okay, yeah, actually, 0:19:14.080 --> 0:19:17.359 what relationship am I taking myself back to? And so 0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:19.920 that for me, it doesn't sound like a really simple tool, 0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:21.439 but it is when you're in the practice of it, 0:19:21.480 --> 0:19:23.920 because you're just constantly being able to question your own 0:19:23.960 --> 0:19:26.040 thoughts rather than just like take them as facts. 0:19:26.119 --> 0:19:26.719 Definitely. 0:19:26.880 --> 0:19:31.119 The other is that I genuinely have got myself into 0:19:31.200 --> 0:19:34.080 a practice of changing my inner voice from I call 0:19:34.080 --> 0:19:35.720 it in the book, from the inner heckler to the 0:19:35.760 --> 0:19:40.480 inner cheerleader. And so I have this journal and every 0:19:40.560 --> 0:19:43.280 morning one of the prompts it's my Manifest Daily Journal. 0:19:43.320 --> 0:19:45.639 One of the prompts is a most facial message from 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:48.760 your higher self, and so this took practice. So at 0:19:48.760 --> 0:19:50.880 the beginning I used to write like you got this, 0:19:51.000 --> 0:19:52.879 do you know what I mean? Like quite gherror, And 0:19:52.920 --> 0:19:57.280 then I started writing things like, Hey, you really deserve 0:19:57.320 --> 0:19:59.560 to feel the joy from today. You've worked so hard 0:19:59.560 --> 0:20:03.240 for this, or I know you're feeling I'm a bit 0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:06.679 low today, but I promise this will pass, and just 0:20:06.760 --> 0:20:10.760 remember how much you've achieved. And actually, I've got comfortable 0:20:10.760 --> 0:20:13.879 with that voice, and so much of change is about 0:20:14.160 --> 0:20:16.359 finding a new place of comfort with the way that 0:20:16.400 --> 0:20:19.520 you speak to yourself, and so it really is a practice. 0:20:19.600 --> 0:20:22.119 And so I'm always trying to think, what is like 0:20:22.160 --> 0:20:24.639 a kind of perspective or what is a kind of 0:20:24.880 --> 0:20:27.719 thing I could say to myself in this moment, And 0:20:27.760 --> 0:20:29.439 that's been really helpful for me. 0:20:29.800 --> 0:20:32.240 Do you think people always have to go backwards and 0:20:32.320 --> 0:20:35.680 figure out the root of their issues before being able 0:20:35.720 --> 0:20:36.320 to move forward. 0:20:36.800 --> 0:20:41.680 Yeah? I do, actually, because every meaning, all the meaning 0:20:41.720 --> 0:20:44.720 we attach to every experience we have is currently being 0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:50.280 viewed through a lens, and this lens is made murky 0:20:50.320 --> 0:20:55.159 from our current state of mind, our belief systems, our wounds, 0:20:55.440 --> 0:21:00.160 our pass and I truly believe that unless we process 0:21:00.200 --> 0:21:04.520 and figure out what lens we're looking at things through, 0:21:04.800 --> 0:21:07.040 will never be able to clear the way. Like we'll 0:21:07.040 --> 0:21:08.719 always be controlled by our past. 0:21:09.040 --> 0:21:11.480 You're kind of building on top of a broken foundation. 0:21:11.240 --> 0:21:15.720 One percent, and I think that it is. I used 0:21:15.720 --> 0:21:18.360 to really be Oh, like, what's the point in looking back? 0:21:18.440 --> 0:21:21.320 I just want to look forward. You just can't. It 0:21:21.359 --> 0:21:23.760 will always have a hold over you unless you let 0:21:23.760 --> 0:21:26.199 it go. Like even I'll share an example with you. 0:21:26.240 --> 0:21:26.520 Okay. 0:21:26.560 --> 0:21:29.119 So I had this really stressful two weeks at work, 0:21:29.200 --> 0:21:31.719 and part of the stress was coming from that some 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:34.360 people really let me down at work and it made 0:21:34.440 --> 0:21:38.720 me feel so angry. I felt so frustrated, I felt 0:21:38.720 --> 0:21:41.840 so disappointed, and all I wanted was an apology. I 0:21:41.960 --> 0:21:44.199 just wanted them to take accountability. And I'm alia, so 0:21:44.200 --> 0:21:46.520 I forgive instantly, right li Liah. Yeah, So if someone 0:21:46.560 --> 0:21:50.440 says sorry, forget done, I'm over it, moved on. I 0:21:50.480 --> 0:21:53.000 don't care. I'm so forgiving, but I really need people 0:21:53.040 --> 0:21:55.520 to take accountability. And I was finding myself so stressed 0:21:55.560 --> 0:21:59.840 and so frustrated, and I spoke to my therapist about it. 0:22:00.119 --> 0:22:03.240 And she said to me, what really irritates you about people? 0:22:03.400 --> 0:22:05.280 And I said, the number one thing that irritates me 0:22:05.359 --> 0:22:07.679 is someone that can't take accountability for what they've done right. 0:22:07.960 --> 0:22:09.720 And she said, when did this happen to you before? 0:22:10.560 --> 0:22:12.760 And instantly a memory came up or something that had 0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:15.080 happened to me when I was younger, and this person 0:22:15.119 --> 0:22:19.680 had done something pretty awful to me and they never apologized, 0:22:20.200 --> 0:22:22.199 and me and this person never we didn't speak for 0:22:22.280 --> 0:22:25.560 three months, and three months later they started speaking to 0:22:25.600 --> 0:22:28.040 me again and just kind of pretended like nothing had happened. 0:22:28.560 --> 0:22:30.359 And I remember, in that moment so strong that I 0:22:30.400 --> 0:22:33.600 was about twelve at the time, thinking I just lost 0:22:33.640 --> 0:22:36.919 respect for them. But I felt, I can't believe you 0:22:37.000 --> 0:22:40.439 haven't just said sorry. And for me, what that meant 0:22:40.480 --> 0:22:43.000 was that my feelings didn't matter, that I didn't matter, 0:22:43.200 --> 0:22:45.280 I wasn't heard, I wasn't seen, I wasn't valued the 0:22:45.359 --> 0:22:48.360 things that we need right. So, now, as an adult, 0:22:48.520 --> 0:22:52.119 when somebody doesn't take accountability, I don't take it as 0:22:52.160 --> 0:22:55.360 what's happening now. I make it mean that I'm not 0:22:55.400 --> 0:22:59.840 being seen or heard, And so it stirs up such 0:23:00.280 --> 0:23:03.520 deep pain and emotion and so I'm not able to 0:23:03.600 --> 0:23:06.840 see the situation clearly because I'm focusing on the emotional 0:23:07.520 --> 0:23:10.840 reaction to it, that is from the past. As soon 0:23:10.960 --> 0:23:13.119 as I became aware of it, I was able to 0:23:13.200 --> 0:23:16.919 let it go right. And so that is for me 0:23:17.080 --> 0:23:21.119 the power in looking back and working on your past. 0:23:21.400 --> 0:23:23.679 It becomes so heavy as well, doesn't it, Because if 0:23:23.720 --> 0:23:26.879 you think about carrying all those things that you have 0:23:26.960 --> 0:23:30.240 been accumulating, of all the pain that you've taken in 0:23:30.280 --> 0:23:34.040 but not digested, all the trauma that you've taken in 0:23:34.119 --> 0:23:36.520 but locked away somewhere. It's still in you, but it's 0:23:36.520 --> 0:23:39.240 somewhere that's hidden away. Actually, if you think about it, 0:23:39.280 --> 0:23:42.920 you go through all these years and suddenly you realize 0:23:43.040 --> 0:23:46.479 you're carrying so much weight. And then the heaviness of 0:23:46.520 --> 0:23:49.600 that one situation that you'd already been in, the weight 0:23:49.640 --> 0:23:53.160 of that is continued in the conversations you're then having, 0:23:53.240 --> 0:23:57.280 So everything feels even more intense, even more irritating. You 0:23:57.320 --> 0:23:59.960 get even angry than you normally would have, because it's 0:24:00.000 --> 0:24:03.119 it's not a new situation, it's an old situation that 0:24:03.160 --> 0:24:05.520 you're still got all that weight attached to, and so 0:24:05.600 --> 0:24:07.760 something that you wouldn't normally have such a deep reaction 0:24:07.880 --> 0:24:10.439 to if you end up wilding out because it's not 0:24:10.480 --> 0:24:11.240 being triggered, is. 0:24:11.240 --> 0:24:14.600 Right exactly for people listening, because therapy, I know, can 0:24:14.640 --> 0:24:17.480 be really expensive, but people can do this on their own. 0:24:17.560 --> 0:24:19.919 So for anybody listening, what they can do is why 0:24:19.960 --> 0:24:21.800 don't you just for a moment, you could get a 0:24:21.880 --> 0:24:24.200 journal or a notepad and pen. Now you could pause 0:24:24.240 --> 0:24:27.119 this and just consider what are the patterns that are 0:24:27.160 --> 0:24:30.280 currently present in your life, like what keeps coming up 0:24:30.320 --> 0:24:35.800 for you, what issues, what situations that piss you off 0:24:35.920 --> 0:24:38.000 or make you sad or make you angry, and can 0:24:38.040 --> 0:24:42.439 you recognize any patterns within them, like within those situations, 0:24:42.840 --> 0:24:45.440 and then just look at when did I first experience 0:24:45.480 --> 0:24:48.280 something like this? And it can be as simple as that, 0:24:48.680 --> 0:24:50.520 And I really do say like that letting go that 0:24:50.600 --> 0:24:55.119 process it is just having the awareness. I don't know how, 0:24:55.240 --> 0:24:56.439 but it releases something. 0:24:56.680 --> 0:24:59.200 It's also being aware of what is this actual emotion? 0:24:59.280 --> 0:25:02.240 Because I feel like we such small emotional vocabulary where 0:25:02.240 --> 0:25:03.840 it's like this is making me angry, and then I 0:25:03.840 --> 0:25:06.280 read someone that anger is just a secondary emotion, So 0:25:06.359 --> 0:25:09.160 what are you actually feeling? What is the emotion you're 0:25:09.160 --> 0:25:12.320 actually feeling, what is it digging up inside of you? 0:25:12.520 --> 0:25:13.159 Linked back to it? 0:25:13.160 --> 0:25:15.800 Oh, it makes me feel unworthy, unheard, makes me feel 0:25:15.800 --> 0:25:17.800 like nobody's supporting me, makes me feel like no one's 0:25:17.840 --> 0:25:20.680 listening to me. I don't feel intelligent in this room 0:25:20.720 --> 0:25:24.400 because of something that someone said. Whatever, the deeper rooted 0:25:24.760 --> 0:25:27.880 feeling is, go beyond the Oh, I'm so angry right now, 0:25:27.920 --> 0:25:31.879 because okay, you're angry, But where has the anger actually 0:25:31.880 --> 0:25:34.440 come from? Because if it's a secondary emotion, there's somewhere 0:25:34.480 --> 0:25:38.240 deeper that you need to go. Absolutely, you spoke about dating, 0:25:38.400 --> 0:25:40.879 and one thing I've been surrounded by at the moment 0:25:40.920 --> 0:25:44.120 with are my friends who really struggle in dating situations 0:25:44.160 --> 0:25:47.240 to say no in set boundaries. And when you were 0:25:47.480 --> 0:25:49.200 saying that, I was like, I guess it is linked 0:25:49.200 --> 0:25:51.400 to confidence because your ability to say no in set 0:25:51.480 --> 0:25:56.360 boundaries is you being able to trust in your personal 0:25:56.400 --> 0:25:59.479 self and knowing that saying no is okay. And if 0:25:59.520 --> 0:26:01.000 they leave, if they decide that they don't want to 0:26:01.040 --> 0:26:03.000 go on a second date, if they decide that they 0:26:03.000 --> 0:26:05.560 don't want to be with you, that's a sign that 0:26:05.600 --> 0:26:08.280 they're not supposed to. But saying no seems to be 0:26:08.359 --> 0:26:11.760 something that women specifically struggle with so much, whether it's 0:26:11.760 --> 0:26:15.920 in relationships or in friendships and the boundaries being put up. 0:26:16.840 --> 0:26:19.520 What kind of recommendations or advice do you give to 0:26:19.720 --> 0:26:21.880 someone who's struggling to put up boundaries. 0:26:22.240 --> 0:26:25.720 Well, I think it all comes down to fear of rejection. Okay, 0:26:25.800 --> 0:26:29.840 so it's all really the fear is if I set 0:26:29.840 --> 0:26:33.760 a boundary, this person will leave me. Yes, And that 0:26:33.800 --> 0:26:36.840 fear of rejection bther is very real. And again, be 0:26:37.000 --> 0:26:40.120 kind to yourself about that, because that's an evolutionary response. 0:26:40.200 --> 0:26:43.440 The feeling of being rejected from your tribe would mean 0:26:43.600 --> 0:26:46.080 that you would be unsafe, and that would create feelings 0:26:46.080 --> 0:26:48.760 of an anxiety. So it's a very real thing. And 0:26:48.800 --> 0:26:50.840 so I think firstly, just be like kind to yourself 0:26:50.880 --> 0:26:54.360 by recognizing that actually it is causing a very real response. 0:26:55.000 --> 0:26:58.639 But I think that it's these with boundary setting. I 0:26:58.640 --> 0:27:02.080 think it's really like chicken egg because we can only 0:27:02.160 --> 0:27:04.760 gain confidence, well not only, but one of the ways 0:27:04.760 --> 0:27:06.960 that we gain confidence and self worth is by setting 0:27:07.040 --> 0:27:10.760 boundaries because there is so much there's such a feeling 0:27:10.800 --> 0:27:14.359 of empowerment when you are able to recognize what you need, 0:27:14.480 --> 0:27:19.480 what you won't stand for and honoring yourself and trusting 0:27:19.520 --> 0:27:22.439 that you are worth being honored like that is. So 0:27:22.920 --> 0:27:25.120 it's such a great feeling. Anybody who's ever a sat 0:27:25.160 --> 0:27:27.680 set of boundary will know how good it feels when 0:27:27.720 --> 0:27:31.040 you just say not, actually I'm not available for that. Yeah, 0:27:31.520 --> 0:27:35.639 it is the best feeling. But the more confident that 0:27:35.680 --> 0:27:38.399 you are also the easier it is to do that. 0:27:39.080 --> 0:27:41.240 So you're kind of working on these things all the time. 0:27:41.320 --> 0:27:43.800 That's why these confident there's six steps of com six 0:27:43.800 --> 0:27:45.960 steps the eight steps of confidence that I lay out 0:27:45.960 --> 0:27:48.240 in my book. You really work on them simultaneously, and 0:27:48.280 --> 0:27:50.840 boundary setting is part of that. But I think we're 0:27:50.920 --> 0:27:54.040 dating specifically. The reason that that boundary setting is so 0:27:54.160 --> 0:27:57.240 hard is because, I mean, there's so many reasons, but 0:27:57.760 --> 0:28:00.280 some of them are that, you know, basically, what we've 0:28:00.359 --> 0:28:02.800 learned about whether we love starts from so young, right 0:28:03.000 --> 0:28:05.119 from you know, the way that we're the relationships that 0:28:05.119 --> 0:28:07.560 we have with our caregivers or parents. So that is 0:28:07.560 --> 0:28:11.199 like really deep within us. So to feel like we 0:28:11.280 --> 0:28:15.320 are most of us, most of us didn't have unconditional 0:28:15.400 --> 0:28:18.680 love right growing up. It's like it is conditional. It's 0:28:18.720 --> 0:28:21.840 if you are good, you are lovable, right, And that's 0:28:21.920 --> 0:28:24.960 not to blame our parents or our caregivers. It's just 0:28:25.520 --> 0:28:28.560 how they were taught to parent as well. And so 0:28:29.119 --> 0:28:31.399 it's very hard for us as adults to then believe 0:28:31.480 --> 0:28:35.639 that we are worthy of unconditional love. And I think 0:28:35.720 --> 0:28:40.720 that also there's society and our friends where you're constantly 0:28:40.720 --> 0:28:44.600 hearing the narrative it's so hard to meet someone. Yes, 0:28:44.800 --> 0:28:48.800 how many times do you hear people say that it's 0:28:48.840 --> 0:28:51.720 so hard to meet someone? These days? Nobody meet someone 0:28:51.840 --> 0:28:55.000 and it is trickier, that's true. But the more that 0:28:55.040 --> 0:28:58.280 we're saying it to each other, the more that we're 0:28:58.360 --> 0:29:01.320 kind of convincing ourselves that there's You're in the scarcity mindset. 0:29:01.680 --> 0:29:04.320 So well, if I set a boundary and I don't 0:29:04.320 --> 0:29:06.160 have this person, where the hell am I going to 0:29:06.160 --> 0:29:06.800 meet anyone else? 0:29:06.960 --> 0:29:07.080 Right? 0:29:07.520 --> 0:29:09.920 So then you're stuck in this like, well, just take 0:29:09.960 --> 0:29:13.960 what I can get, rather than actually being able to say, no, 0:29:14.080 --> 0:29:15.760 I know I'm worth more than this and I'm going 0:29:15.800 --> 0:29:18.760 to wait. And that's what step four of my manifesting 0:29:18.800 --> 0:29:22.320 process overcome tests of overcome tests from the universe is 0:29:22.360 --> 0:29:25.560 really all about this. I truly believe that we won't 0:29:25.600 --> 0:29:29.080 meet our one until we are able to say no 0:29:29.160 --> 0:29:31.600 to what isn't right for us, And as long as 0:29:31.600 --> 0:29:36.520 we are allowing someone to treat us with any level 0:29:36.560 --> 0:29:42.360 of disrespect or you know, anything that really isn't reflective 0:29:42.400 --> 0:29:44.640 of what you actually want, we won't be able to 0:29:44.640 --> 0:29:47.000 create space for what you do want to ender your life. 0:29:47.160 --> 0:29:48.120 That makes so much sense. 0:29:48.120 --> 0:29:50.640 It's like you're already holding things in your hands, So 0:29:50.680 --> 0:29:53.320 how do you expect the God or universe? 0:29:54.160 --> 0:29:55.080 It's ready for you. 0:29:55.160 --> 0:29:57.200 But if you don't let go of what's not for you, 0:29:57.200 --> 0:29:58.880 you don't have the hands to catch what's for you, 0:29:59.120 --> 0:30:01.360 or even the eyes to rect that. It is that 0:30:01.520 --> 0:30:03.200 even if you're being sent all the signs, all this 0:30:03.200 --> 0:30:07.320 thing that I was just this morning listening to the 0:30:07.400 --> 0:30:09.080 audiobook of Conversations with God. 0:30:09.120 --> 0:30:09.640 Have you read that? 0:30:09.840 --> 0:30:10.080 No? 0:30:10.760 --> 0:30:13.040 I just got into the first chapter, but it was 0:30:13.120 --> 0:30:16.760 so beautiful because he was talking about how he was 0:30:16.800 --> 0:30:18.720 asking God, Okay, but how do I know you're talking 0:30:18.720 --> 0:30:18.960 to me? 0:30:19.280 --> 0:30:21.000 Universe? How do I know that you're speaking to me? 0:30:21.600 --> 0:30:24.440 And God said, I'm literally sending signs and signals all 0:30:24.480 --> 0:30:27.800 the time. I'm showing you not because words are actually 0:30:28.280 --> 0:30:32.400 the lowest form of communication. Words are actually the lowest, 0:30:32.520 --> 0:30:35.160 most unreliable form of communication. 0:30:35.720 --> 0:30:36.960 But actually through. 0:30:36.920 --> 0:30:39.560 The way that you actually feel, through the way people 0:30:39.600 --> 0:30:43.480 behave around you, through the tiny things that happen in 0:30:43.520 --> 0:30:46.920 your day. Those are the indications that I'm communicating with you, 0:30:47.320 --> 0:30:49.120 but you need the eyes to be able to see it, 0:30:49.200 --> 0:30:51.920 the hands to receive it. And I just thought that's 0:30:52.040 --> 0:30:55.240 so true, right, like that the signs are being shown 0:30:55.280 --> 0:30:57.200 to us all the time, but we have to know 0:30:57.800 --> 0:31:00.719 when to let go and when to receive, definitely, and 0:31:00.760 --> 0:31:04.200 that comes with I see confidence as alignment as well, 0:31:04.520 --> 0:31:06.920 because the more that you feel that you are spiritually 0:31:06.920 --> 0:31:09.760 connected or in alignment with the universe around you or 0:31:09.800 --> 0:31:12.680 with God, the more you're able to receive those signals 0:31:12.760 --> 0:31:14.040 and the more you know that they. 0:31:13.960 --> 0:31:14.960 Are the trusted source. 0:31:15.240 --> 0:31:15.840 Absolutely. 0:31:15.920 --> 0:31:18.600 But to get there, you obviously have to build self trust. 0:31:18.680 --> 0:31:20.960 And so what with some of the tools and techniques 0:31:21.000 --> 0:31:23.440 that you have used in your life to actually build 0:31:23.440 --> 0:31:25.880 trust in your own voice and your own capabilities. 0:31:26.680 --> 0:31:28.719 I think it's such a good point. So self trust 0:31:28.760 --> 0:31:32.040 for me is really being able to trust your own 0:31:32.040 --> 0:31:34.280 word and trust in your decision making, and they're kind 0:31:34.280 --> 0:31:36.959 of two separate things. So in terms of trusting your 0:31:37.000 --> 0:31:40.320 own word. I think it's really important that you do 0:31:40.360 --> 0:31:42.280 the things that you say you'll do. And for me, 0:31:42.360 --> 0:31:45.800 this is like really foundational to confidence. If you are 0:31:45.840 --> 0:31:49.280 saying to yourself, I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow, 0:31:50.160 --> 0:31:52.520 I'm going to finish this task, I'm not going to 0:31:52.600 --> 0:31:55.400 drink tonight, whatever it is. If you are saying those 0:31:55.440 --> 0:31:57.720 things to yourself and you're not doing them, then it's 0:31:57.840 --> 0:32:00.440 how are you going to learn to trust yourself? And 0:32:00.520 --> 0:32:02.760 so it really is about That's why I think self 0:32:02.760 --> 0:32:05.560 discipline is a form of self respect and self love, 0:32:05.720 --> 0:32:08.640 because you need to start following through with your own word, 0:32:09.160 --> 0:32:11.120 just in the same way that if you had someone 0:32:11.160 --> 0:32:13.440 in your life that never did the things they say 0:32:13.440 --> 0:32:16.600 they'd do, you'd stop trusting them, you'd lose respect for them, 0:32:16.920 --> 0:32:19.440 and so you have to treat yourself with the same 0:32:19.520 --> 0:32:23.200 kind of standards. The next thing is decision making. So 0:32:23.440 --> 0:32:26.240 I think that it's particularly when we have low self worth, 0:32:26.360 --> 0:32:28.280 we often turn to the people around us to help 0:32:28.360 --> 0:32:31.120 us make all our decisions. So you know, you might 0:32:31.160 --> 0:32:33.240 call your mum, what should I have for lunch today? 0:32:33.600 --> 0:32:35.280 You know? Or I don't know what to do, or 0:32:35.320 --> 0:32:37.840 should I post this on Instagram. Should I stay in 0:32:37.880 --> 0:32:40.120 this job? Should I break up with my boyfriend? We 0:32:40.280 --> 0:32:42.560 ask the people around us to help us make all 0:32:42.600 --> 0:32:48.720 our decisions, and actually, I think that being able to 0:32:48.760 --> 0:32:51.920 make our own decisions is like one of the quickest 0:32:51.920 --> 0:32:55.960 ways to building that self trust and self confidence. And 0:32:56.080 --> 0:32:58.480 so how do we do that? I often talk about 0:32:59.120 --> 0:33:02.000 us being able to visualize our higher self? Right, So 0:33:02.400 --> 0:33:05.000 if you were to sit and think about who is 0:33:05.040 --> 0:33:07.200 the best you that you could be, and visualize that 0:33:07.280 --> 0:33:09.760 version of yourself and think about what does that version 0:33:09.760 --> 0:33:11.760 of you do day to day, how do they feel 0:33:11.760 --> 0:33:13.880 about themselves, how do they walk into a room, what 0:33:13.920 --> 0:33:16.840 are they attracting into their life? And then I want 0:33:16.840 --> 0:33:19.600 you to use that higher self as your decision maker. 0:33:20.000 --> 0:33:22.680 So before every decision you make, instead of asking your 0:33:22.720 --> 0:33:25.560 friend what to do, you can ask yourself, what would 0:33:25.600 --> 0:33:28.840 my higher self do? And it is such an amazing 0:33:28.880 --> 0:33:32.040 It's like a filter for you, so that your decision 0:33:32.080 --> 0:33:35.280 filter that will help you to make more empowering decisions 0:33:35.800 --> 0:33:38.160 and gain that confidence on the way. 0:33:38.120 --> 0:33:41.080 Because then you also don't get stuck in the temporary 0:33:41.080 --> 0:33:44.120 feelings that you have. It's that my friends always text me, 0:33:44.160 --> 0:33:45.400 like I was saying should I text him? 0:33:45.400 --> 0:33:47.480 And I'm like, make the decision in the morning. 0:33:47.680 --> 0:33:50.680 Yeah, yeah, don't do that right now, because what emotion 0:33:50.800 --> 0:33:52.920 you are feeling right now will not be the same 0:33:52.960 --> 0:33:54.800 as what you're feeling in the morning. And so that's 0:33:54.800 --> 0:33:58.040 obviously such a small example, but totally thinking of what 0:33:58.040 --> 0:33:59.920 would my higher self do, It's almost like thinking in 0:34:00.160 --> 0:34:01.160 the future, if you will. 0:34:01.240 --> 0:34:04.080 It's saying, Okay, how. 0:34:03.960 --> 0:34:07.200 Will I feel about myself in an hour's time, or 0:34:07.600 --> 0:34:09.600 if I was looking at myself from an outside point 0:34:09.600 --> 0:34:11.880 of view, what would make me feel happy in the 0:34:11.880 --> 0:34:14.080 decision that I made in that moment exactly. 0:34:14.120 --> 0:34:15.440 And I want to kind of go back. 0:34:15.239 --> 0:34:19.719 To addiction just a little bit, because I find for 0:34:20.000 --> 0:34:21.919 many of my friends as well that have been through 0:34:22.000 --> 0:34:26.960 difficulty and confidence or lack of self worth. It's so 0:34:27.120 --> 0:34:30.560 interesting how addiction plays such a big role in that. 0:34:30.800 --> 0:34:35.440 In whichever way, whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever it is, 0:34:36.080 --> 0:34:40.600 people's natural instinct is to go towards something that suppresses 0:34:41.360 --> 0:34:45.320 and gives temporary satisfaction, even though the pain is greater after. 0:34:45.920 --> 0:34:47.839 So after I know wolf was. 0:34:47.760 --> 0:34:50.120 The reason you ended up giving up, but what did 0:34:50.120 --> 0:34:52.200 you do in those struggling moments where you were going 0:34:52.239 --> 0:34:54.600 to turn to addiction, if you had any moments like that, 0:34:54.880 --> 0:34:56.839 and what were the things that actually stopped you, because 0:34:56.880 --> 0:34:59.840 I find that's the hardest moment to make those decisions. 0:34:59.440 --> 0:35:02.280 In so it's really interesting. I mean, I think ultimately 0:35:02.360 --> 0:35:04.520 what we're looking to do is escape, right and escape 0:35:04.560 --> 0:35:07.279 from the pain of being ourselves. And that's definitely what 0:35:07.320 --> 0:35:11.759 I was doing for a long time. And when I 0:35:11.840 --> 0:35:15.480 had Wolf, when I gave everything up during pregnancy, I 0:35:15.520 --> 0:35:19.240 have to say, it was unbelievably hard. Giving up smoking 0:35:19.360 --> 0:35:25.640 was one thing. Giving up drugs for me was horrendously difficult. 0:35:25.680 --> 0:35:28.560 Like all I wanted to do was like just go 0:35:28.640 --> 0:35:30.520 out and take drugs and it felt really hard. And 0:35:30.520 --> 0:35:33.319 actually what I at the time of being pregnant, I 0:35:33.320 --> 0:35:35.000 was like, Oh, when I have Wolf, I'm just going 0:35:35.040 --> 0:35:37.000 to go back to it, like I really wanted to. 0:35:37.120 --> 0:35:39.319 At that point, I thought that's what I would do. 0:35:40.560 --> 0:35:44.600 But what happened was during my pregnancy I started figuring 0:35:44.680 --> 0:35:46.960 out what my purpose was. I started figuring out what 0:35:46.960 --> 0:35:49.120 I wanted to do after I had Wolf, And straight 0:35:49.160 --> 0:35:51.000 after I had Wolf, I started to turn my life 0:35:51.000 --> 0:35:53.880 around and within five months I basically started my career, 0:35:54.719 --> 0:35:58.400 which was I started with hosting workshops. What kept me 0:35:58.440 --> 0:36:02.759 from going back to drugs wasn't necessarily being a mom, 0:36:02.760 --> 0:36:04.960 if I'm honest, it was that I found a purpose 0:36:05.320 --> 0:36:07.600 right and that I found something worth waking up for 0:36:07.680 --> 0:36:10.080 the next day and something that was giving me a 0:36:10.120 --> 0:36:13.880 sense of self worth. I felt like being of service 0:36:13.960 --> 0:36:16.640 to others was my reason for being and that all 0:36:16.680 --> 0:36:19.080 the pain I'd been in before was so that I 0:36:19.120 --> 0:36:24.120 could connect with others, and that feeling of being of service, 0:36:24.280 --> 0:36:28.480 that feeling of having something that was greater than me, 0:36:29.239 --> 0:36:33.200 became my anchor, and that was the start of my 0:36:33.280 --> 0:36:37.560 confidence journey, really, and that's why step seven of confidence 0:36:37.600 --> 0:36:43.000 is being of service. I think people underestimate how being 0:36:43.040 --> 0:36:47.840 of service can actually impact our own feeling of being 0:36:47.920 --> 0:36:51.319 valuable in the world and feeling like we are yeah, 0:36:51.400 --> 0:36:54.160 feeling we are of value, And I think it's so important, 0:36:54.360 --> 0:36:57.319 and that can be in any way. It can be 0:36:57.880 --> 0:37:02.279 through charitable work, volunteering, through what you do, but it 0:37:02.320 --> 0:37:04.280 can also just be through how you support the people 0:37:04.320 --> 0:37:07.680 close to your family, your friends. It doesn't have to 0:37:07.719 --> 0:37:11.160 be like it really can be anything, but just knowing 0:37:11.200 --> 0:37:15.640 that we can help others. I think it's just so integral. 0:37:16.000 --> 0:37:18.920 Yeah, when I read that part of the book, you know, 0:37:19.440 --> 0:37:22.279 every time I think about service, I think about it's 0:37:22.320 --> 0:37:24.920 just an opportunity to get yourself out of your own 0:37:24.960 --> 0:37:29.080 mind and into someone else's life or into someone else's 0:37:29.239 --> 0:37:32.279 pain or discomfort. And you also feel more useful in 0:37:32.320 --> 0:37:35.399 that situation, which helps with the purpose aspect of it. 0:37:35.800 --> 0:37:39.200 But it also made me think about how confidence or 0:37:39.280 --> 0:37:43.600 lack of confidence could also potentially come from self obsession 0:37:43.719 --> 0:37:46.520 in a certain way. And the reason I thought that 0:37:46.680 --> 0:37:49.799 was because when you end up obsessing over yourself so much, 0:37:50.160 --> 0:37:53.400 obsessing over how people see you, obsessing over looking in 0:37:53.400 --> 0:37:56.040 the mirror thirty forty fifty times before you go out 0:37:56.040 --> 0:37:58.440 of the house, obsessing over what you're wearing and what 0:37:58.480 --> 0:38:00.360 other people are thinking. And I'm saying this from a 0:38:00.400 --> 0:38:03.400 personal point of view because I used to It actually 0:38:03.600 --> 0:38:06.280 really messed up mine and Jay's relationship at the beginning, 0:38:06.560 --> 0:38:09.360 because I was so insecure of every. 0:38:09.239 --> 0:38:19.400 Part of my body my Okay, yeah, this is a 0:38:19.400 --> 0:38:20.440 really good cry for a reason. 0:38:21.000 --> 0:38:23.359 Yeah, I was so insecure that every time we would 0:38:23.360 --> 0:38:26.680 go out, I would the thing I'd be obsessing over 0:38:26.840 --> 0:38:29.040 was before we left the house. I would be like, oh, 0:38:29.080 --> 0:38:31.160 does this look weird on me, or every part of 0:38:31.160 --> 0:38:34.040 our conversation would be based around that I'm crime, because 0:38:34.080 --> 0:38:36.120 I was like, how sad it was back then that 0:38:36.200 --> 0:38:40.279 it ruined so much of my experience of the relationship, 0:38:40.440 --> 0:38:41.960 of the experience of going to. 0:38:41.920 --> 0:38:42.839 Wherever we were going. 0:38:42.960 --> 0:38:45.319 And it was so interesting to me because it went 0:38:45.360 --> 0:38:48.439 on four years from such a young age, probably because 0:38:48.440 --> 0:38:50.360 I grew up overweight and I was just always obsessing 0:38:50.400 --> 0:38:54.360 over that. But how it was purely through self obsession 0:38:54.520 --> 0:38:56.799 of the thought that other people are going to be 0:38:56.800 --> 0:38:58.400 thinking about all of this stuff to do with me 0:38:58.440 --> 0:39:01.040 when we people are just thinking about themselves. And so 0:39:01.400 --> 0:39:06.719 the obsessiveness of constantly thinking people are thinking about me, 0:39:06.840 --> 0:39:09.520 people are looking at me, people are doing all these 0:39:09.560 --> 0:39:13.160 things and it's all to do with me has destructive tendencies, 0:39:13.520 --> 0:39:16.640 Like it really is so destructive to the conversations you 0:39:16.680 --> 0:39:18.480 can have with people, even when you interact with them. 0:39:18.800 --> 0:39:20.279 I could be thinking right now, oh my god, I 0:39:20.280 --> 0:39:22.200 wonder what she's looking at me and what she thinks 0:39:22.239 --> 0:39:25.280 about my makeup, for example, Or I could be listening 0:39:25.360 --> 0:39:28.160 to what you are saying and participating in this conversation, 0:39:28.840 --> 0:39:31.360 and I just find it makes me sad for other people, 0:39:31.400 --> 0:39:34.359 thinking of there's so many people who go through that 0:39:35.000 --> 0:39:38.279 where it strips them and takes away their ability to 0:39:38.400 --> 0:39:43.600 actually connect, communicate and live in present moment with people, 0:39:43.960 --> 0:39:45.960 and I think it's such a difficult place to get 0:39:45.960 --> 0:39:48.279 out of as well. I think having obviously a partner 0:39:48.320 --> 0:39:51.480 who's so supportive in that and was like no, repeating 0:39:51.520 --> 0:39:54.120 himself over and over again, but eventually being like, I 0:39:54.239 --> 0:39:56.920 really want you to care about yourself and love yourself 0:39:56.960 --> 0:39:58.960 because I see you and I think you're this, this 0:39:59.040 --> 0:40:02.920 and this, you don't see it, and that nothing else matters. 0:40:02.960 --> 0:40:05.319 How other people see you makes no difference. And so 0:40:05.400 --> 0:40:09.400 I think creating these tools and techniques like you've got 0:40:09.480 --> 0:40:12.120 in both your books, I think it's just so important 0:40:12.120 --> 0:40:16.080 because the whole world just seems so sadder then happy. 0:40:15.960 --> 0:40:16.560 Don't you think? 0:40:16.880 --> 0:40:18.440 I agree? And thank you for sharing that. 0:40:18.760 --> 0:40:20.160 I expect to do that either, but. 0:40:20.680 --> 0:40:25.040 It's I think it's like so amazing to experience that 0:40:25.120 --> 0:40:28.880 kind of emotion and it's compassion, yeah, like feeling like 0:40:30.280 --> 0:40:33.960 sad for the old you, and like also I think 0:40:34.000 --> 0:40:38.560 sometimes it's also really touching to see how far you've 0:40:38.600 --> 0:40:43.799 come sometimes mind yourself, and it is really sad that 0:40:43.840 --> 0:40:46.400 we waste so much of our lives worried about what 0:40:46.400 --> 0:40:48.960 everyone else thinks of us. And I think there's a 0:40:49.000 --> 0:40:51.319 stat in the beginning of the book that Dove did 0:40:52.040 --> 0:40:56.680 which is, I think seventy two percent of young girls 0:40:56.960 --> 0:40:59.440 don't do something because they're worried about the way that 0:40:59.480 --> 0:41:02.880 they look. So they're like genuinely missing out on their life, 0:41:02.960 --> 0:41:06.719 so much of their life, and it's there's a psychological 0:41:06.840 --> 0:41:10.160 phenomenon called the spotlight effect, which is literally where we 0:41:10.239 --> 0:41:12.319 assume that other people are focusing on the things that 0:41:12.360 --> 0:41:15.200 we notice. So if we've got a spot, we're convinced 0:41:15.200 --> 0:41:17.680 that everybody's staring at it, or if we're messing up 0:41:17.719 --> 0:41:21.120 in gym, we think that someone's watching us. Yeah, nobody 0:41:21.239 --> 0:41:24.720 is nobody. We are not the main character of anyone 0:41:24.719 --> 0:41:28.000 else's story. No, nobody's say in the book, and like 0:41:28.000 --> 0:41:33.280 nobody's tuning into the next episode. 0:41:32.320 --> 0:41:33.320 They really don't. 0:41:33.400 --> 0:41:35.080 And I think as soon as you start living life 0:41:35.120 --> 0:41:37.800 that I had this lady called Liz Moody on my podcast, 0:41:38.239 --> 0:41:40.640 and she had something in her book that really changed 0:41:40.680 --> 0:41:43.240 it for me, where she said she was really conscious 0:41:43.239 --> 0:41:46.080 because she felt really uncomfortable in a swim suit, and 0:41:46.160 --> 0:41:49.239 so her whole family went on holiday and they all 0:41:49.239 --> 0:41:51.040 were in the ocean. She was like, there's no way 0:41:51.080 --> 0:41:54.560 I'm getting in the ocean because my thighs look like this. 0:41:54.680 --> 0:41:56.279 People are going to be thinking, why is she even 0:41:56.320 --> 0:41:58.320 in the ocean, Why is she even wearing that swim suit. 0:41:58.560 --> 0:42:00.800 She was sitting there, sitting there on the beach thinking 0:42:00.800 --> 0:42:04.520 that constantly while she was watching her whole family enjoy 0:42:04.600 --> 0:42:07.600 themselves so much. And suddenly she was like, when I'm 0:42:07.640 --> 0:42:09.799 eighty years old, am I going to be sitting there thinking, 0:42:09.920 --> 0:42:12.400 thank goodness those people didn't see my cellul like or 0:42:12.440 --> 0:42:15.000 am I going to be remembering feeling the ocean on 0:42:15.040 --> 0:42:18.920 my skin and feeling the sun and laughing with my family? 0:42:18.960 --> 0:42:20.759 And am I going to remember those laughs for the 0:42:20.760 --> 0:42:22.920 rest of my life? And she goes, in that moment, 0:42:22.960 --> 0:42:25.440 I took off my song and I ran into that ocean, 0:42:26.000 --> 0:42:29.120 and I remember that story and I share it so 0:42:29.320 --> 0:42:32.719 much because that is literally how we live most of 0:42:32.719 --> 0:42:34.400 our life. I'm not going to dance with my friends 0:42:34.400 --> 0:42:37.120 because I'm not going to dancing. I'm not gonna go 0:42:37.200 --> 0:42:39.560 out and wearing that thing I want to wear because 0:42:39.640 --> 0:42:43.359 my thighs don't look like that person's And I think 0:42:43.440 --> 0:42:47.160 jealousy moving on to something that I think is another 0:42:47.200 --> 0:42:48.600 part of lack of confidence. 0:42:48.239 --> 0:42:49.040 Which is jealousy. 0:42:49.440 --> 0:42:53.400 How in your life have you dealt with feeling emotions 0:42:53.400 --> 0:42:56.240 of jealousy of other women or other people in your life, 0:42:56.600 --> 0:42:59.120 and what are some tools that you've used to navigate that. 0:43:00.040 --> 0:43:04.719 So I think envy is a really it's a core emotion, right, Yeah. 0:43:04.800 --> 0:43:09.080 We have it from like children and honestly, like Wolf 0:43:09.120 --> 0:43:13.880 cannot to see his cousin Adam even look at one 0:43:13.880 --> 0:43:16.960 of his toys like oh my gosh, and you learn 0:43:17.000 --> 0:43:19.759 that it is a core emotion. But as adults, we 0:43:19.800 --> 0:43:21.640 have so much shame around it, like we don't want 0:43:21.680 --> 0:43:25.000 to admit that we're jealous. But it's normal to feel jealous, right, 0:43:25.080 --> 0:43:29.279 And I think that the first for me, I know 0:43:29.400 --> 0:43:33.520 that what I used to feel really jealous of was 0:43:33.800 --> 0:43:39.839 people on Instagram looking like happy and playful, playful and 0:43:39.880 --> 0:43:42.040 fun because I was in such a deep depression for 0:43:42.080 --> 0:43:44.600 all my life that when I see people on social 0:43:44.640 --> 0:43:48.640 media just being like care free, I'd be like, oh 0:43:48.680 --> 0:43:51.600 my god, like I would crave it, like it would 0:43:51.640 --> 0:43:55.920 make me feel so shit about myself. And I really struggled, 0:43:55.920 --> 0:43:59.400 I think with social media because I just didn't have 0:43:59.400 --> 0:44:01.520 any confidence myself. And I think that the thing with 0:44:02.040 --> 0:44:06.080 envy or is that it's most if we feel it 0:44:06.120 --> 0:44:07.680 the most in the areas of our life where we 0:44:07.680 --> 0:44:10.840 feel the most insecure. But I have a whole step 0:44:10.880 --> 0:44:13.279 on like how to stop comparing yourself to others, And 0:44:13.320 --> 0:44:15.080 I have lots of tools in the book about how 0:44:15.120 --> 0:44:19.319 to do that, and I've used them lots myself. So 0:44:19.440 --> 0:44:24.080 one of them is one that is turned envy into inspiration, 0:44:24.560 --> 0:44:27.160 So allow people to really like show you what's possible, 0:44:27.320 --> 0:44:31.200 rather than being being in this scarcity mindset where if 0:44:31.239 --> 0:44:32.880 someone has something that might have been less for you, 0:44:33.239 --> 0:44:35.400 it's in fact allowing someone else to show you what's possible. 0:44:35.480 --> 0:44:37.799 So being able to watch your envy, recognize when it 0:44:37.800 --> 0:44:39.960 props up and say, what is this showing me as possible? 0:44:40.080 --> 0:44:42.040 Or what's it showing me I need to heal more 0:44:42.160 --> 0:44:44.840 right in myself. But there's a few other tools that 0:44:44.880 --> 0:44:47.520 I love. One of them is all about changing your perspective. 0:44:48.360 --> 0:44:51.080 So I often think about if you I describe the 0:44:51.080 --> 0:44:53.319 situation of like if you're in a car and you're 0:44:53.320 --> 0:44:55.759 in a line of traffic, and if you're in a 0:44:55.760 --> 0:44:57.560 line of traffic and you were to look in your 0:44:57.600 --> 0:45:00.800 rear view, well, if you could be in sorry, imagine 0:45:00.800 --> 0:45:02.200 that you're in a line of traffic and you're looking 0:45:02.239 --> 0:45:03.600 ahead at all the people ahead of you, and you're like, 0:45:03.640 --> 0:45:05.200 oh my god, I wish I was up at the front, 0:45:05.280 --> 0:45:08.040 right right. But if you took a moment to look 0:45:08.080 --> 0:45:09.960 at your rear view mirror and you saw all the 0:45:10.000 --> 0:45:12.359 line of traffic behind you, you might actually be able 0:45:12.360 --> 0:45:13.680 to just be like, do you know what? I'm so 0:45:13.719 --> 0:45:16.960 grateful for where I am? And it's called basically, there's 0:45:17.120 --> 0:45:20.520 something called upward comparison and downward comparison. And upward comparison 0:45:20.600 --> 0:45:22.080 is where we tend to look at people that we 0:45:22.120 --> 0:45:23.879 perceive is better than us, and this can be quite 0:45:23.960 --> 0:45:26.640 damaging for our self esteem if done too much. Some 0:45:27.000 --> 0:45:29.319 is nice because it can push us right, it can 0:45:29.360 --> 0:45:31.320 push us to do better and to grow and destrive 0:45:31.360 --> 0:45:33.040 for more, but it can have a negative effect when 0:45:33.040 --> 0:45:35.279 we do it too much and we're constantly thinking that 0:45:35.320 --> 0:45:38.400 everyone else is better than us. Downward comparison, it's not 0:45:38.440 --> 0:45:41.080 about looking at people as if we are above them, 0:45:41.320 --> 0:45:44.560 but it's about understanding that we are fortunate for where 0:45:44.600 --> 0:45:46.880 we are, because there are people that don't have what 0:45:46.960 --> 0:45:49.960 we have yet, and so this is actually that's where 0:45:50.000 --> 0:45:52.359 you have a kind of healthy level of comparison, where 0:45:52.360 --> 0:45:54.919 you can have a little bit of both. So being 0:45:54.920 --> 0:45:57.319 able to just like sit back and just say, actually, 0:45:57.360 --> 0:46:00.360 I'm so grateful how far I've come, and I'm in 0:46:00.520 --> 0:46:03.920 such a fortunate position, because look, you know, by making 0:46:03.920 --> 0:46:07.040 some downward comparisons can be really helpful. Another thing that 0:46:07.080 --> 0:46:10.640 I love is consider what you don't know. So when 0:46:10.640 --> 0:46:14.000 we see somebody's something that someone has that we're jealous of, 0:46:14.400 --> 0:46:17.800 we're just seeing that one small part of their life. 0:46:18.280 --> 0:46:21.360 But consider what you don't know about them, or their challenges, 0:46:21.400 --> 0:46:25.040 their traumas, their difficulties that you can't see, And then 0:46:25.080 --> 0:46:27.880 ask yourself, would I really trade my entire life for their? 0:46:28.560 --> 0:46:32.320 And the answers always know, right, you'd rather rather the devil, 0:46:32.360 --> 0:46:35.399 you know, But you know, wouldn't you rather your own 0:46:35.480 --> 0:46:39.879 challenges and your own you know? But everything that you have, 0:46:39.960 --> 0:46:42.040 You wouldn't trade all of that just for one part 0:46:42.080 --> 0:46:43.480 of someone else's life. 0:46:43.640 --> 0:46:44.320 That's so true. 0:46:44.320 --> 0:46:47.960 And I always find jealousy sometimes comes out brings out 0:46:48.000 --> 0:46:51.319 the worst words and worst thoughts in your mind as well, 0:46:51.360 --> 0:46:53.400 where you become so much more critical about other people 0:46:53.719 --> 0:46:55.480 because you kind of don't want them to succeed, Like 0:46:55.560 --> 0:46:58.480 jealousy turns into this desire of oh, they can't really 0:46:58.480 --> 0:47:00.960 be that good or the must be a flaw in 0:47:01.080 --> 0:47:04.360 something there. So do you think you can be critical 0:47:04.400 --> 0:47:07.040 of others but still have confidence or do you think 0:47:07.680 --> 0:47:10.520 there has to be a disconnect between the two BOK. 0:47:10.360 --> 0:47:11.960 I think it's humans. I'm not going to sit here 0:47:11.960 --> 0:47:14.719 and say we never judge anyone. It's just not possible. 0:47:15.320 --> 0:47:19.040 But would I say that the majority of the time 0:47:19.160 --> 0:47:22.239 I see the best in people? Yes, I think that 0:47:22.760 --> 0:47:26.160 I don't care to because I feel confident in who 0:47:26.200 --> 0:47:30.080 I am. I'm not would why would it matter to 0:47:30.120 --> 0:47:32.600 me if someone wants to express themselves in this way 0:47:32.680 --> 0:47:35.520 or that? Like good free Everyone should be free to 0:47:35.520 --> 0:47:37.320 be who they are, And I think that really comes 0:47:37.320 --> 0:47:40.440 from confidence. And I definitely would say that those feelings 0:47:40.480 --> 0:47:44.840 of comparison or envy that I experienced before are much 0:47:44.680 --> 0:47:48.160 much much less. Not to say that I don't sometimes 0:47:48.239 --> 0:47:50.719 have the odd moment with a friend where we're like, 0:47:51.000 --> 0:47:54.880 you know, we're human. It happens sometimes, But if it 0:47:54.960 --> 0:47:57.720 does I'm also, but majority of the time, I will 0:47:57.840 --> 0:48:00.480 always give people the benefit of the doubt. And if 0:48:00.520 --> 0:48:04.880 I notice myself feeling jealous of someone, it's like, oh, okay, 0:48:05.400 --> 0:48:06.600 what's that showing? 0:48:06.680 --> 0:48:07.560 Yeah, what is it that I want? 0:48:08.000 --> 0:48:11.080 Likely changing it? You know, I really think being happy 0:48:11.120 --> 0:48:14.840 for other people is such an amazing and wonderful quality 0:48:14.920 --> 0:48:18.120 to have, So I always whatever possible celebrate other people's success. 0:48:18.320 --> 0:48:18.560 Yeah. 0:48:18.560 --> 0:48:20.920 Whenever I used to get jealous or of other people, 0:48:20.920 --> 0:48:22.600 the first thing I would try and do is compliment 0:48:22.640 --> 0:48:25.080 them in my mind, yeah, or even out loud. Yeah, 0:48:25.120 --> 0:48:26.799 Because as soon as I get a negative thought about 0:48:26.800 --> 0:48:28.799 the moment, okay, but what is it about. 0:48:28.560 --> 0:48:30.400 Them that I truly admire? 0:48:30.640 --> 0:48:34.080 Yeah, because there's always admiration that's tucked into jealousy because 0:48:34.080 --> 0:48:37.320 obviously you want what that person has, And so trying 0:48:37.360 --> 0:48:41.440 to turn that jealousy into words of admiration or appreciation 0:48:41.840 --> 0:48:45.680 ends up being really useful in those moments too. You 0:48:45.760 --> 0:48:47.680 wrote in the book that confidence is built through action, 0:48:47.880 --> 0:48:48.600 not affirmation. 0:48:49.040 --> 0:48:50.680 Could you explain a little bit about what you mean 0:48:50.760 --> 0:48:51.000 by that? 0:48:51.400 --> 0:48:53.600 So I say that like, actions speak louder than words. 0:48:53.600 --> 0:48:55.400 So sometimes someone can show you they love you, not 0:48:55.440 --> 0:48:58.120 by just saying I love you, but helping you move house, 0:48:58.280 --> 0:49:00.439 bring you a cup of tea in the morning. It's 0:49:00.440 --> 0:49:02.759 through what you do. And I think the way we 0:49:02.800 --> 0:49:05.239 treat ourselves really does matter. I think that we can 0:49:05.239 --> 0:49:08.120 speak to ourselves kindly, and that's so important. But how 0:49:08.120 --> 0:49:10.759 are we treating ourselves? Are we giving our body the 0:49:10.840 --> 0:49:14.120 nutrients it needs? Are we moving it? Are you honoring 0:49:14.200 --> 0:49:17.279 rest when you need to? Are you getting fresh air 0:49:17.320 --> 0:49:19.399 and being out in nature? You know? I think that 0:49:20.000 --> 0:49:22.600 we need to show ourselves through the way that we 0:49:22.640 --> 0:49:25.200 treat ourselves, how what we deserve. 0:49:25.560 --> 0:49:29.440 Yes, yeah, I think that action is very important, especially 0:49:29.440 --> 0:49:31.600 if you keep telling yourself something. It goes back to 0:49:31.640 --> 0:49:34.560 the self confidence and self trust, right you keep saying 0:49:34.560 --> 0:49:36.200 something and not doing it exactly. 0:49:36.520 --> 0:49:37.600 I wanted to go a list bit on. 0:49:37.600 --> 0:49:41.560 Affirmations and some affirmations of confidence that people can say 0:49:41.560 --> 0:49:41.920 every day. 0:49:41.960 --> 0:49:42.720 Do you have any favorites? 0:49:42.719 --> 0:49:42.839 Oh? 0:49:42.840 --> 0:49:46.640 My god, so many. My favorite favorite is I am enough. 0:49:46.719 --> 0:49:48.840 I have always been enough. I love that do The 0:49:48.840 --> 0:49:50.759 first time I said that when I cried so I 0:49:50.800 --> 0:49:55.480 think I just needed to hear it so much. I 0:49:55.520 --> 0:49:58.160 am proud of how far I have come. I am 0:49:58.200 --> 0:50:00.000 proud of who I am and who I am because 0:50:00.640 --> 0:50:04.279 is one that I love. I am of value to 0:50:04.320 --> 0:50:08.320 the world and people around me. I think a great 0:50:08.320 --> 0:50:10.680 way to figure out what affirmation is good for you 0:50:10.880 --> 0:50:14.320 is to think about what are your the limiting beliefs 0:50:14.320 --> 0:50:16.160 that you know that you hold, like, what are your 0:50:16.280 --> 0:50:18.040 things like? It might be that you don't feel like 0:50:18.040 --> 0:50:20.839 you're good with people, or you don't feel that you're 0:50:21.560 --> 0:50:23.400 clever enough to being the job that you're in, or 0:50:24.000 --> 0:50:26.920 whatever it is for you, And then basically you just 0:50:26.960 --> 0:50:31.440 write an affirmation that directly opposes that limiting belief. And 0:50:31.520 --> 0:50:33.160 I think what people always need to remember is that 0:50:33.239 --> 0:50:35.400 you don't need to believe it to be true to 0:50:35.480 --> 0:50:38.200 say it right like people say, but I don't believe that. 0:50:38.719 --> 0:50:42.319 How can I say I am, you know, incredible at 0:50:42.320 --> 0:50:44.880 interviews if I don't feel like I am right? Or 0:50:45.880 --> 0:50:47.920 how can I say I'm calma at ease when I'm 0:50:47.960 --> 0:50:51.560 feeling so anxious. But the point is that we're trying 0:50:51.600 --> 0:50:55.560 to give our brain these thoughts that it can then 0:50:56.360 --> 0:51:00.359 make reality by repeated use. And I think it, you know, 0:51:00.440 --> 0:51:02.520 Marissipi always says that your brain's job is to make 0:51:02.560 --> 0:51:05.319 your thoughts true. And I love the way she describes it, 0:51:05.400 --> 0:51:08.359 and it's, you know, we are telling our brain how 0:51:08.400 --> 0:51:12.239 to feel by inputting these like nourishing thoughts. And so 0:51:12.360 --> 0:51:14.400 I love affirmations, you know, first thing in the morning, 0:51:14.440 --> 0:51:16.640 as I'm waking up, when our brains are really susceptible 0:51:16.640 --> 0:51:18.960 to that positive messaging, That for me is my favorite. 0:51:19.080 --> 0:51:22.120 Like I'm always like a wake up, I'm excited for 0:51:22.160 --> 0:51:25.279 what today could bring. I'm resilient and strong, I'm ready 0:51:25.280 --> 0:51:28.000 to handle any challenges that come my way. I'm proud 0:51:28.040 --> 0:51:30.399 of where I am, you know, And so I think, Yeah, 0:51:30.440 --> 0:51:31.520 I just love affirmations. 0:51:31.600 --> 0:51:34.080 You're inviting it into existence, even if it doesn't already 0:51:34.160 --> 0:51:36.320 exist in your own mind or you don't believe it. Yeah, 0:51:36.360 --> 0:51:38.960 And starting your day off in that way, it creates 0:51:39.000 --> 0:51:41.440 that instead of a negative filter, you end up kind 0:51:41.480 --> 0:51:44.760 of putting in that the different lenses of living life 0:51:44.840 --> 0:51:48.080 through those those affirmations. Exactly, what would you say has 0:51:48.080 --> 0:51:50.359 been the hardest truth that you've had to learn on 0:51:50.400 --> 0:51:50.960 this journey? 0:51:52.160 --> 0:51:57.160 Healing really isn't like a linear process. Yeah, I think 0:51:57.239 --> 0:52:00.439 that I found it really challenging in time where I'd 0:52:00.440 --> 0:52:02.359 think that I'd made so much progress and I could 0:52:02.360 --> 0:52:05.279 have a long stretch of feeling incredible and then all 0:52:05.320 --> 0:52:08.200 of a sudden, I feel like I'm right back, but 0:52:08.280 --> 0:52:12.120 actually realizing you're never right back. And it was really 0:52:12.160 --> 0:52:15.080 hard to It was really scary for me at times 0:52:15.160 --> 0:52:17.440 because I thought, oh my god, I'm going back to 0:52:17.480 --> 0:52:21.480 that depression or it was that was scary, But actually 0:52:22.200 --> 0:52:25.640 now with experience, like the other I told you when 0:52:25.760 --> 0:52:28.400 I came in today, the other we you know, I 0:52:28.400 --> 0:52:31.160 had two weeks where I honestly don't remember the last 0:52:31.160 --> 0:52:34.239 time I felt that much anxiety. I really felt on 0:52:34.280 --> 0:52:38.280 the edge of like a breakdown. I felt really unwell mentally, 0:52:38.840 --> 0:52:40.799 and I hadn't felt that bad for a long time, 0:52:40.840 --> 0:52:44.440 and it was scary in a way, but I had 0:52:44.640 --> 0:52:48.600 enough experience to trust that something amazing was coming on 0:52:48.640 --> 0:52:49.360 the other side. 0:52:49.600 --> 0:52:51.120 I think you had all the tools and techniques you 0:52:51.120 --> 0:52:54.120 needed too. Yeah, sure you come out of it. Yeah 0:52:54.160 --> 0:52:54.680 you built that. 0:52:54.719 --> 0:52:57.800 I had the tools, but most importantly I had the hope. Yeah, 0:52:57.840 --> 0:53:00.400 And that's sometimes when you're in those moments, that is 0:53:00.400 --> 0:53:04.080 what you need, is you just need hope that after 0:53:04.120 --> 0:53:05.680 the dark days, better days are coming. 0:53:05.920 --> 0:53:07.640 Yes, that's really beautiful. Thank you. 0:53:07.800 --> 0:53:10.120 I'm going to do your last few quick fire questions. 0:53:10.360 --> 0:53:12.080 What's your favorite affirmation right now? 0:53:12.360 --> 0:53:14.239 I am ready to make my dreams come true. 0:53:15.400 --> 0:53:18.480 A book that changed your life from your own. 0:53:20.640 --> 0:53:21.600 The Four Agreements? 0:53:22.160 --> 0:53:25.480 Yes, yeah, great book. What's always in your handbag? 0:53:25.840 --> 0:53:28.399 My phone and a pair of eyelash Curtis Nice? 0:53:29.840 --> 0:53:31.759 A place to visit that's still on your bucket list? 0:53:32.160 --> 0:53:33.719 Turs and cacos, me too. 0:53:34.160 --> 0:53:37.759 It saw someone there actually looks so gorgeous, beautiful, a 0:53:37.840 --> 0:53:40.520 quality that you're trying to embody or work on right now. 0:53:41.880 --> 0:53:47.359 Calm, just feeling more grounded and calm in my responses. 0:53:47.600 --> 0:53:50.080 Nice an area in your life that you're trying to 0:53:50.120 --> 0:53:54.120 grow and healing right now. Love, h and can you 0:53:54.200 --> 0:53:57.680 finish this sentence? Confidence is not being. 0:53:57.560 --> 0:54:00.680 The loudest in the room. Thank you so much, thank 0:54:00.760 --> 0:54:03.080 you so much, so wonderful, thank you. 0:54:03.160 --> 0:54:05.920 I'm so great the conversation and I really hope all 0:54:06.000 --> 0:54:08.799 of you got so much from it and it helps 0:54:08.840 --> 0:54:12.080 in your journey to becoming more confident than humans. 0:54:12.480 --> 0:54:14.239 Thank you so much, Thank you, my love. 0:54:14.320 --> 0:54:15.959 That was so lovely, so great. 0:54:16.040 --> 0:54:16.279 Thank you,