1
00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:04,120
Speaker 1: I think seventy two percent of girls don't do something

2
00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:06,000
Speaker 1: because they're worried about the way that they look. There's

3
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,040
Speaker 1: a psychological phenomenon called the spotlight effect.

4
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,200
Speaker 2: In this week's episode, I have Roxy Nafuzi.

5
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:17,960
Speaker 3: She is a self development coach, a speaker, and the

6
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,920
Speaker 3: Queen of Manifestation. Her newest book Confidence, offering eight practical,

7
00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:25,040
Speaker 3: powerful steps and tools to help you to stop doubting yourself.

8
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:28,920
Speaker 1: I've just started dating, have you Nothing brings out your

9
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,600
Speaker 1: insecurities like dating?

10
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:35,200
Speaker 3: Lack of confidence could also potentially come from self obsession.

11
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,360
Speaker 3: And I'm saying this all from a personal point of view.

12
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,559
Speaker 1: But there is such a feeling of empowerment when you

13
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,280
Speaker 1: are able to recognize what you need, what you won't

14
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,280
Speaker 1: stand for, and honoring yourself.

15
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,640
Speaker 4: I'm rather Dablukiah and on my podcast A really Good Cry,

16
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:51,560
Speaker 4: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space

17
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:55,680
Speaker 4: for raw, unfielded conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you

18
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:59,120
Speaker 4: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.

19
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,960
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for being on this podcast. I

20
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,600
Speaker 3: appreciate it so much and I'm so happy that you're here.

21
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:07,720
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you so much. For having me. I'm honestly

22
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,080
Speaker 1: been so excited to see you.

23
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,120
Speaker 3: Me too. And if anybody doesn't know, I mean and

24
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,880
Speaker 3: Rocky you have known each other for how many years?

25
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,720
Speaker 1: Oh God? Good for you.

26
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I feel like I've been such a fan

27
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,680
Speaker 3: of you online and then when I got to meet

28
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,760
Speaker 3: you in person, I just felt that same genuine energy

29
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,119
Speaker 3: and I felt that we just.

30
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:24,399
Speaker 2: Had been friends for such a long time.

31
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,840
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, me too.

32
00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,200
Speaker 3: I've been reading your book Confidence, and I have to

33
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,440
Speaker 3: say it has been such a beautiful read. I felt

34
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,160
Speaker 3: like I got so many personal reflections from it. But

35
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,520
Speaker 3: even reading it as someone who was about to interview you,

36
00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:40,280
Speaker 3: it made me think of how many people are going

37
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:43,000
Speaker 3: to benefit from it, but at every single age group.

38
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,000
Speaker 3: And I think sometimes in a book that's really difficult

39
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,080
Speaker 3: to hit because usually you get a target audience. Yeah,

40
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:50,320
Speaker 3: but I feel like confidence is something you can struggle

41
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,520
Speaker 3: with from five years up till ninety five years old.

42
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,040
Speaker 2: So thank you so much for creating this wonderful piece

43
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:56,640
Speaker 2: of our.

44
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,800
Speaker 1: Honestly, that means so much. And I think you know

45
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:03,520
Speaker 1: so right. When I think about Confidence, I think the

46
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,680
Speaker 1: first thing that always comes to my mind is that

47
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,040
Speaker 1: the pursuit of confidence and the need for confidence is

48
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:13,600
Speaker 1: such a universal thing. And when I ever, I do workshots,

49
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,400
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm in front of a room of

50
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,160
Speaker 1: let's say, thousands of people, and I always say to them, like,

51
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,920
Speaker 1: who here can honestly say that they are free of

52
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,639
Speaker 1: all self doubt? Who is like truly confident in who

53
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:27,120
Speaker 1: they are? And nobody will raise their hand. And it's

54
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:30,480
Speaker 1: really funny because as humans, I think that we think

55
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:34,080
Speaker 1: that our insecurities or our journey with low self worth

56
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,320
Speaker 1: is such a like so low pursuit. We think that

57
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,320
Speaker 1: we're the only ones in it, and yet the person

58
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,320
Speaker 1: next to us is battling the same things. We just

59
00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:45,600
Speaker 1: don't tell each other enough, and so we don't realize

60
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,520
Speaker 1: that it's something that we all in search of.

61
00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:48,799
Speaker 2: It's so true.

62
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,240
Speaker 3: And with everything that you've been through in your life,

63
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,720
Speaker 3: and obviously you've just written a book on confidence, would

64
00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,640
Speaker 3: you say, at this point in your life you feel

65
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:56,840
Speaker 3: like you're a confident person?

66
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:57,720
Speaker 1: Yeah?

67
00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:01,880
Speaker 3: You know, that's so nice that it always just say yes, yes,

68
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:02,560
Speaker 3: in that question.

69
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what, honestly, Rdy, I really can't tell

70
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:11,079
Speaker 1: you how much I have loathed myself all of my life,

71
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:15,080
Speaker 1: and I don't remember. I think probably when I was

72
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,280
Speaker 1: And I always say this, all kids like are born confident, right,

73
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,919
Speaker 1: And I talk about it in the book that kids generally,

74
00:03:20,919 --> 00:03:23,440
Speaker 1: if you look at young children, they are full of

75
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:27,320
Speaker 1: self worth. They're not self conscious. Little kids are walking

76
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,919
Speaker 1: around the supermarket is Elsa or Superman, and they don't

77
00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:33,560
Speaker 1: care who's watching. Like they're so happy to express themselves

78
00:03:33,639 --> 00:03:36,680
Speaker 1: in all the ways that they want. And then, essentially,

79
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,640
Speaker 1: like life happens to us and for whatever reason, whether

80
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:45,000
Speaker 1: it's because of our caregivers, our friends, our teachers, society, essentially,

81
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,120
Speaker 1: we all come to believe that we're not enough as

82
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,920
Speaker 1: we are. And I definitely came to that belief very

83
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,640
Speaker 1: very early on, and because of a series of many,

84
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:57,840
Speaker 1: many different events, that belief was so compounded and I

85
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,320
Speaker 1: lost all my sense of self and I just felt

86
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:06,400
Speaker 1: so deeply unlovable and spent my teen years trying to

87
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,480
Speaker 1: mold myself into what other people might want from me

88
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:13,240
Speaker 1: or what made me likable, and still didn't figure it out,

89
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,479
Speaker 1: and then found drugs and alcohol, which is the quickest

90
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:20,200
Speaker 1: way to find false confidence, and that just made things

91
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:24,200
Speaker 1: worse because then comes addiction and shame and guilt, and

92
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:28,760
Speaker 1: then when all that came away, when I was pregnant

93
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,000
Speaker 1: with Wolf, I had to suddenly give everything up and

94
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,839
Speaker 1: what was revealed to me was the kind of depth

95
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:40,160
Speaker 1: of my self loathing. And that really was the hardest

96
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,440
Speaker 1: time of my life, without doubt. It was every day

97
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,320
Speaker 1: was like such a struggle to just get through to

98
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,479
Speaker 1: the next minute. And it was literally for me, like

99
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,440
Speaker 1: a mental prison. And it all came down to this

100
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:57,040
Speaker 1: like deep self hatred. You know. I felt I was disgusting.

101
00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,840
Speaker 1: I felt I was monstrous to look at, was a

102
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:05,080
Speaker 1: loser I was, And it was just such a dark

103
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,680
Speaker 1: time and I think I've only once ever talked about it.

104
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,880
Speaker 1: I won't go into like loads of detail now, but

105
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:16,080
Speaker 1: what I developed really really severe body dysmorphia disorder, which

106
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:18,920
Speaker 1: is an anxiety disorder that is a form of OCD.

107
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:23,599
Speaker 1: So it's repetitive looping thoughts of like severe self loathing,

108
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,400
Speaker 1: and there can be checking behaviors, and BDD is something

109
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,120
Speaker 1: that I think is more common than people realize, but

110
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,359
Speaker 1: people are very scared to admit when they have it

111
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,360
Speaker 1: because they think that it's about vanity and it's not.

112
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,440
Speaker 1: It's an anxiety disorder just in the same way you

113
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:42,560
Speaker 1: would have an OCD or an eating disorder, and the

114
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:46,960
Speaker 1: BDD is for anyone that's experienced it, it is.

115
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:48,680
Speaker 4: I.

116
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,440
Speaker 1: So I was not excited to speak about this, but anyway,

117
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:56,280
Speaker 1: it's so utterly exhausting, it's there's no your brain doesn't stop.

118
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,560
Speaker 1: All I thought about every minute of the day when

119
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:03,360
Speaker 1: I wasn't working was how disgusting I was really and

120
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,760
Speaker 1: it plagued all my life. I stopped seeing friends, I

121
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,800
Speaker 1: stopped leaving the house, even when we're in COVID. And

122
00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:10,280
Speaker 1: you know, you could meet up with it with people

123
00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:12,680
Speaker 1: for walks. I couldn't because in my head, if I

124
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,920
Speaker 1: met someone for a walk, all they would think about

125
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,160
Speaker 1: was how disgusting I was. And so I was convinced

126
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:22,200
Speaker 1: of it. So my journey to recovery and to finding

127
00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:25,440
Speaker 1: self worth, not just overcoming the body dysmorphia, but also

128
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,960
Speaker 1: feeling confident in who I was was such an important

129
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:33,520
Speaker 1: one for me because as I was, you know, I'd

130
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,840
Speaker 1: launched Manifest in my career, I was growing, I was succeeding.

131
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,960
Speaker 1: I had confidence in that, but there was still this

132
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,640
Speaker 1: hole within me where I didn't feel fully worthy. And

133
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,000
Speaker 1: I knew that you know for me, the crux of

134
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,480
Speaker 1: manifestation is self worse. So for me to manifest as

135
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,080
Speaker 1: powerfully as I could, I needed to heal. So I

136
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,400
Speaker 1: made a really conscious decision that I needed to enjoy

137
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:57,440
Speaker 1: my life as much as possible, and I'd never be

138
00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:00,320
Speaker 1: able to enjoy it if i didn't love myself to

139
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,800
Speaker 1: the most that I could. So I went on this journey.

140
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,080
Speaker 1: And so now when I'm asked this question like are

141
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:11,200
Speaker 1: you confident, I can't tell you how grateful and how

142
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,480
Speaker 1: proud I feel to be able to say yes, I

143
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,880
Speaker 1: actually really like who I am, and I really for me,

144
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,240
Speaker 1: one of my definitions of confidence is being able to

145
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,800
Speaker 1: walk into any room completely and utterly yourself and walk

146
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,800
Speaker 1: out of that room not worrying what everyone else thought

147
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:26,240
Speaker 1: about you.

148
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's great definition.

149
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,680
Speaker 1: And I feel like now I can do that. I

150
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,400
Speaker 1: can walk into a room and it's a feeling. It's

151
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:36,640
Speaker 1: like a feeling of just like you just feel grounded

152
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,880
Speaker 1: because you can walk in there with an ease because

153
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:45,120
Speaker 1: you're not preempting what if this person doesn't like me?

154
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,080
Speaker 1: What if I mess up? You're just like, you know,

155
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,360
Speaker 1: I'm safe to be who I am and know that

156
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,200
Speaker 1: that's enough. So that was the longest answer.

157
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,640
Speaker 2: I No, that was such a beautiful answer. Thank you

158
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:54,720
Speaker 2: for sharing all of that.

159
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,600
Speaker 3: And do you think that you know we spoke about

160
00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:01,840
Speaker 3: you said how children you believe with confidence and then

161
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,640
Speaker 3: things happen in life. Would you say for most people

162
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,480
Speaker 3: it's a singular moment or do you think there's something

163
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,880
Speaker 3: in our mind that we start creating through the experiences

164
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:11,600
Speaker 3: that we're having.

165
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:12,840
Speaker 2: And what was it like for you?

166
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,360
Speaker 3: Was it a singular moment or was it Wow, there

167
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,200
Speaker 3: were so many things in my life that just kept

168
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,720
Speaker 3: knocking my confidence and I wasn't bouncing back from it.

169
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:23,760
Speaker 1: I think it can definitely be lots of moments put together. Look,

170
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:27,920
Speaker 1: for some people, there is one really significant trauma that

171
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,440
Speaker 1: happens that you could look back and say that was

172
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,280
Speaker 1: definitely the moment that impacted how I felt about myself.

173
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,880
Speaker 1: But for most people, it's lots of little moments. It's

174
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,080
Speaker 1: something that somebody said at school, across the playground, it's

175
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,719
Speaker 1: you know, I think even as parents, I can talk

176
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,720
Speaker 1: about it in the book, parents can think they're doing

177
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,240
Speaker 1: something good, Like if they always tell their children that

178
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,240
Speaker 1: they're pretty, or they always tell them that they're clever.

179
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,920
Speaker 1: Actually that you can think that's a good thing, right.

180
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:57,120
Speaker 1: Actually the child then pins all their worthiness on that identity,

181
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,440
Speaker 1: so then they think, oh god, well if I'm not

182
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,319
Speaker 1: clever or if I don't pass my exams, then what

183
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,760
Speaker 1: am I? Where have I got my worth from? So

184
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,480
Speaker 1: there's loads of different ways that it can happen, I think,

185
00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:11,080
Speaker 1: and you know, I think part of it is like

186
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,240
Speaker 1: we are wired to need to belong and from an

187
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,000
Speaker 1: evolutionary perspective, that was where our safety came from, to

188
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,600
Speaker 1: be part of a tribe. And if I look at Wolf,

189
00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:23,360
Speaker 1: you know, having kids is a great sort of like

190
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:28,160
Speaker 1: way to like view our minds experiments. It really is.

191
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,319
Speaker 1: And when he started school, I mean he was about

192
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,120
Speaker 1: just turned five, and he refused to wear the Spider

193
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,040
Speaker 1: Man hat I brought him, and I kept him being

194
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,280
Speaker 1: like you love Spider Man, like it got your Spider

195
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,360
Speaker 1: Man hat for Sainsbury's, Why are you wearing it? And

196
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,079
Speaker 1: eventually he was like, I'm scared the other boys will

197
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:48,600
Speaker 1: laugh at me. And that you know, where has he learned?

198
00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:52,000
Speaker 1: That's not a learned thing. It just seems that somewhere

199
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:55,160
Speaker 1: as you start entering this new stage of life, we

200
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:59,680
Speaker 1: do start to become more aware of where we stand socially,

201
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:04,040
Speaker 1: and I think that's just part of evolution. I think

202
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,680
Speaker 1: that we all have it, but how that impacts us

203
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,760
Speaker 1: depends on so many different factors.

204
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,840
Speaker 3: I was thinking when I was reading the book of

205
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:16,199
Speaker 3: the word confidence, and I broke it down into confide

206
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,240
Speaker 3: in and what you were just saying when you knew

207
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,400
Speaker 3: that to be able to actually show up in the world,

208
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,360
Speaker 3: you really had to love yourself and believe in yourself.

209
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,280
Speaker 3: And that's really in my mind, I'm like, that's what

210
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,360
Speaker 3: confidence is, confiding in yourself. You should be able to

211
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,880
Speaker 3: look internally and think, I trust in my own voice,

212
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,280
Speaker 3: I trust in my own abilities.

213
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,000
Speaker 2: I believe in them. But I guess, how do you think.

214
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:41,000
Speaker 3: You can differentiate between confidence and arrogance or confidence and

215
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:41,600
Speaker 3: being pocky?

216
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:46,160
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's such a good question because I

217
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,480
Speaker 1: think that one of the barriers that we actually have

218
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:52,440
Speaker 1: to confidence is that we are afraid of coming across

219
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:55,400
Speaker 1: as arrogance. So true, and especially I would say this

220
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,640
Speaker 1: is very much for women. So I talk about it

221
00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:02,360
Speaker 1: in step Fivebrate Yourself, and it might be step six,

222
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,880
Speaker 1: I don't know, I can't remember. But in the steps

223
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:09,600
Speaker 1: celebrate yourself. I talk about this because what we've done

224
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:14,840
Speaker 1: is kind of across cultures. We really glorify humility, right,

225
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:19,520
Speaker 1: and being humble is one of the most desirable traits,

226
00:11:19,559 --> 00:11:22,240
Speaker 1: you know, It's what makes you a good person or likable.

227
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,960
Speaker 1: And yes, being humble, of course is a really important

228
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,560
Speaker 1: trait to have. We want to it helps us to

229
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:33,720
Speaker 1: grow and you know, to it helps us to ground

230
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:38,520
Speaker 1: us right and be willing to become better people and

231
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,000
Speaker 1: to be kind to those around us. And being humble

232
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,679
Speaker 1: is good. But so often we take it too far,

233
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,319
Speaker 1: and we become self deprecating, and we can't accept compliments,

234
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:51,079
Speaker 1: and we can't accept praise from others, and we can't

235
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:55,880
Speaker 1: praise ourselves, and we can't speak highly of ourselves. We

236
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,320
Speaker 1: start small businesses and we're too scared to shout about

237
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,880
Speaker 1: on social media. We pass our exams and we don't

238
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,520
Speaker 1: want to celebrate it because we just say it was

239
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,080
Speaker 1: luck or do you know what I mean? And so

240
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,160
Speaker 1: this desire to be humble kind of we take that

241
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,720
Speaker 1: too far. And then on the other hand, we have

242
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,080
Speaker 1: this great fear of coming across as arrogant. And part

243
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,160
Speaker 1: of this I think is a bit of social conditioning,

244
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:22,000
Speaker 1: because quite often confident people are labeled as arrogant or

245
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:27,040
Speaker 1: up themselves or cocky, And sometimes I think that's really

246
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,160
Speaker 1: doing a disservice to people who are confident. And really

247
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,760
Speaker 1: I believe that those judgments come from probably a place

248
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,360
Speaker 1: of it comes from a wound, you know, it comes

249
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,440
Speaker 1: from a place of I kind of secretly maybe wish

250
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,280
Speaker 1: I had that confidence. And that's natural, And that's not

251
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,800
Speaker 1: to pass judgment on anyone. I've done it plenty of ties,

252
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:48,200
Speaker 1: or I've gone offor's so arrogant? And actually are they arrogant?

253
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,440
Speaker 1: Or am I just a little bit envious of their confidence?

254
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,920
Speaker 1: And actually I can use that envy to show me

255
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,040
Speaker 1: what needs healing, right, to show me that what I

256
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,560
Speaker 1: want more of, but arrogance and confidence, And it's so important.

257
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,240
Speaker 1: I have a whole chart in the book to differentiate them,

258
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:05,760
Speaker 1: like they are not the same thing. Arrogance is really

259
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,719
Speaker 1: about needing to be the best in the room. It's

260
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,760
Speaker 1: about needing to see yourself as superior to others and

261
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,400
Speaker 1: needing to put others down to make yourself feel better.

262
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:21,080
Speaker 1: Confidence is knowing that you are a work in progress,

263
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:25,120
Speaker 1: but also being sure of who you are. It's about

264
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:29,440
Speaker 1: loving yourself whilst also being able to admit that you're

265
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:32,600
Speaker 1: not perfect and that being okay. And I think they're

266
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,839
Speaker 1: so so different. And I often say it's like, if

267
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:39,440
Speaker 1: you're worried about being arrogant, you're probably not because arrogant

268
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,119
Speaker 1: people don't have that self awareness.

269
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,160
Speaker 3: So yeah, And you know, I think when you were

270
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,960
Speaker 3: talking about going into a room, and I think find

271
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,440
Speaker 3: the people that end up wanting to shout the loudest,

272
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:53,560
Speaker 3: or speak about themselves the most, or say in a

273
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,079
Speaker 3: way you can always feel that the energy behind what someone

274
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:56,520
Speaker 3: is saying.

275
00:13:56,679 --> 00:13:57,079
Speaker 1: Yeah.

276
00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:00,520
Speaker 3: And I think when you end up trying to be humble,

277
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,920
Speaker 3: most people end up being falsely humble.

278
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:04,880
Speaker 2: But you can also feel that we're like.

279
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,800
Speaker 3: No, I don't really want you to compliment, but really

280
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,200
Speaker 3: most people do like compliments.

281
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:09,640
Speaker 1: Yeah.

282
00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:13,600
Speaker 3: And I think when you realize that your humility or

283
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,320
Speaker 3: what you keep saying negative about yourself is actually stopping

284
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,280
Speaker 3: your success, that's a sign that humility isn't actually working.

285
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I find humility should be something that.

286
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:25,680
Speaker 3: Still helps you progress in your spiritual path, in your work,

287
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,120
Speaker 3: in every aspect of your life. But if you're being

288
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:33,400
Speaker 3: humble and it's stopping you from accepting, growing and becoming

289
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,120
Speaker 3: a better person, then you probably need to rethink and

290
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,760
Speaker 3: see maybe this isn't actually humility, and they need to

291
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,840
Speaker 3: rephrase how I say things. I think self deprecating language

292
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:46,280
Speaker 3: is just so common totally. It's just constantly, even if

293
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:50,000
Speaker 3: someone compliments your outfit, somehow you find a reason to say, no,

294
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,040
Speaker 3: it's not really that good.

295
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:52,440
Speaker 2: Oh yeah I got it on sale.

296
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,920
Speaker 1: We were talking about it yesterday. We walked into us

297
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:58,360
Speaker 1: doing a recording and of Lucy, someone said, oh, I

298
00:14:58,360 --> 00:14:59,680
Speaker 1: love your boots and she was like, oh, they're only

299
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,560
Speaker 1: pri yeah exactly, when else said, oh, is you always

300
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,200
Speaker 1: do that? Stop saying that, like, just be And so

301
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,920
Speaker 1: I have this like tool for people to use. Actually,

302
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,800
Speaker 1: so when people and I share a growth in manifest

303
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,480
Speaker 1: and confidence because I love it so much. But when

304
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,320
Speaker 1: people give you a compliment, how you respond is a

305
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:20,239
Speaker 1: really reflection of your relationship with humility and self celebration.

306
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,600
Speaker 1: And so what I challenge people to do is when

307
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,440
Speaker 1: someone comes to you and they say, hey, you did

308
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:28,040
Speaker 1: amazing that presentation or oh my god, I loved that

309
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,200
Speaker 1: video you put on Instagram. I love you look amazing today,

310
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,120
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Rather than pushing it away or saying

311
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,280
Speaker 1: no I didn't or downplaying it, I want you to

312
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,240
Speaker 1: just pause, take it in, like really allow yourself to

313
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,040
Speaker 1: hear it, and then respond with those two magical words,

314
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,080
Speaker 1: I know, thank you.

315
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:43,840
Speaker 2: Just say thank you.

316
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,680
Speaker 1: That's it, and it's so much less annoying. Also, because

317
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,240
Speaker 1: you know, when someone gives you a compliment, they're like, no,

318
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,600
Speaker 1: you don't, then you have to be like, no you do. Yeah,

319
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,960
Speaker 1: oh my god, I shouldn't have bothered it kind.

320
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:57,400
Speaker 3: Of has allowed the cycle of that conversation to be

321
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,520
Speaker 3: full circle. Or so you know when they say, if

322
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,000
Speaker 3: someone gives you a gift and you don't actually receive it, well,

323
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,280
Speaker 3: the cycle of giving and receiving isn't completed. Yes, and

324
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,960
Speaker 3: so the person who's actually giving you something is giving

325
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,160
Speaker 3: it to you an excitement, whether it's something physical, whether

326
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,480
Speaker 3: it's words, or whether it's energy or emotion.

327
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,120
Speaker 2: And then if you literally.

328
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,920
Speaker 1: Push it away from yourself, yeah, you're.

329
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,280
Speaker 3: Essentially pushing away something that they're trying to give.

330
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,200
Speaker 1: So true, it's like if you give someone a gift

331
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,280
Speaker 1: and they're like, oh, you shouldn't have, and you're like,

332
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,440
Speaker 1: do you know what I would have loved you to

333
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,840
Speaker 1: say thank you. Yeah, it would have been so nice.

334
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,840
Speaker 1: And you're right because it's so exciting gift giving. Yes,

335
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,600
Speaker 1: confliment is a gift exactly. Yeah, I love that. That's

336
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:34,120
Speaker 1: so true.

337
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,160
Speaker 3: And then the thing that you said about I feel

338
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,320
Speaker 3: with confidence so much of when I reflect in my

339
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,160
Speaker 3: life and I was reading the book, and I still

340
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,880
Speaker 3: think I'm working through a lot of the different things

341
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,400
Speaker 3: that allow me to feel full confidence in different areas

342
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,800
Speaker 3: of my life. But a big thing that changed it

343
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,240
Speaker 3: for me was when I started thinking about what I have,

344
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,880
Speaker 3: the skills that attributes the way that I look. Every

345
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:59,920
Speaker 3: single part of me has been a gift from God

346
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,680
Speaker 3: or from the universe to me. And when you think

347
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,119
Speaker 3: of it like that, everything can feel you can receive

348
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,680
Speaker 3: praise for it because you then don't have to necessarily

349
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,919
Speaker 3: take on as this is me and it's building my

350
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,400
Speaker 3: ego and I'm going to become.

351
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,040
Speaker 2: Arrogant from it.

352
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,840
Speaker 3: You think, yeah, actually, I am so grateful for it,

353
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,560
Speaker 3: and so saying thank you and accepting it is actually

354
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:22,520
Speaker 3: you accepting it as a way of showing gratitude to

355
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,080
Speaker 3: whoever you feel has given it to you. I love that,

356
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:29,000
Speaker 3: and I think that helps with that mindset of changing.

357
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,040
Speaker 2: It from oh no, don't compliment me too.

358
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,520
Speaker 3: Oh actually, yeah, I am so grateful for this, and

359
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,800
Speaker 3: so thank you so much for recognizing that in me.

360
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:36,720
Speaker 1: I love that.

361
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,080
Speaker 3: Do you have you know, on the days that you

362
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,439
Speaker 3: I'm sure confidence till ebbs and flows depending on what

363
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:46,040
Speaker 3: you're doing, and on those days that you're feeling a

364
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,720
Speaker 3: little bit lower, do you have like an SOS confidence kit,

365
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,800
Speaker 3: like the things that you go to in the moments

366
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,800
Speaker 3: that you are finding yourself spiraling downwards or not feeling

367
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:55,680
Speaker 3: great about yourself?

368
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,680
Speaker 1: Do you know what? Yeah, I've just started dating. Have

369
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:04,399
Speaker 1: you brings out your insecurities? Like dating? Oh my gosh,

370
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,360
Speaker 1: It's been a long time since I've been dating. And

371
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,480
Speaker 1: you know, really the last time I was dating was

372
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:14,920
Speaker 1: like seven years ago, right, and like properly and who

373
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,080
Speaker 1: I am now is like so different to her was then.

374
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:20,880
Speaker 1: So I'm in a much better place. I'm really independent.

375
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,879
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, very like spiritually evolved since you know,

376
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:29,840
Speaker 1: back then, and yet still I noticed, like, oh gosh,

377
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,600
Speaker 1: like this feeling of like am I enough is coming back?

378
00:18:33,359 --> 00:18:35,879
Speaker 1: And so for me, it was really a lot for me.

379
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,920
Speaker 1: It was like on the days where I have those

380
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:42,560
Speaker 1: like wobbles. Firstly, it's about like really being aware of

381
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,679
Speaker 1: your thoughts and not attaching to them. So for me,

382
00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:46,879
Speaker 1: what I used to do, I think is have a

383
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,840
Speaker 1: thought attached to it and let it spiral, Whereas now

384
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,359
Speaker 1: I can be like, where is that thought coming from?

385
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,760
Speaker 1: Where is the not enoughness really coming from? And for me,

386
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:58,680
Speaker 1: this is like the first step of any change of

387
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:02,119
Speaker 1: self development. And actually it's a constant practice. And so

388
00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:07,600
Speaker 1: I'm really I love like like dissecting my own past

389
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:11,000
Speaker 1: and giving myself that kind of therapy by journaling or

390
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:14,080
Speaker 1: just doing it in my thoughts and just saying, Okay, yeah, actually,

391
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:17,359
Speaker 1: what relationship am I taking myself back to? And so

392
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,920
Speaker 1: that for me, it doesn't sound like a really simple tool,

393
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,439
Speaker 1: but it is when you're in the practice of it,

394
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,920
Speaker 1: because you're just constantly being able to question your own

395
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,040
Speaker 1: thoughts rather than just like take them as facts.

396
00:19:26,119 --> 00:19:26,719
Speaker 2: Definitely.

397
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:31,119
Speaker 1: The other is that I genuinely have got myself into

398
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,080
Speaker 1: a practice of changing my inner voice from I call

399
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,720
Speaker 1: it in the book, from the inner heckler to the

400
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:40,480
Speaker 1: inner cheerleader. And so I have this journal and every

401
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,280
Speaker 1: morning one of the prompts it's my Manifest Daily Journal.

402
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,639
Speaker 1: One of the prompts is a most facial message from

403
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,760
Speaker 1: your higher self, and so this took practice. So at

404
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,880
Speaker 1: the beginning I used to write like you got this,

405
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,879
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like quite gherror, And

406
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:57,280
Speaker 1: then I started writing things like, Hey, you really deserve

407
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,560
Speaker 1: to feel the joy from today. You've worked so hard

408
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:03,240
Speaker 1: for this, or I know you're feeling I'm a bit

409
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,679
Speaker 1: low today, but I promise this will pass, and just

410
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:10,760
Speaker 1: remember how much you've achieved. And actually, I've got comfortable

411
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,879
Speaker 1: with that voice, and so much of change is about

412
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,359
Speaker 1: finding a new place of comfort with the way that

413
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:19,520
Speaker 1: you speak to yourself, and so it really is a practice.

414
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,119
Speaker 1: And so I'm always trying to think, what is like

415
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,639
Speaker 1: a kind of perspective or what is a kind of

416
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,719
Speaker 1: thing I could say to myself in this moment, And

417
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,439
Speaker 1: that's been really helpful for me.

418
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,240
Speaker 3: Do you think people always have to go backwards and

419
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,680
Speaker 3: figure out the root of their issues before being able

420
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:36,320
Speaker 3: to move forward.

421
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:41,680
Speaker 1: Yeah? I do, actually, because every meaning, all the meaning

422
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,720
Speaker 1: we attach to every experience we have is currently being

423
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:50,280
Speaker 1: viewed through a lens, and this lens is made murky

424
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:55,159
Speaker 1: from our current state of mind, our belief systems, our wounds,

425
00:20:55,440 --> 00:21:00,160
Speaker 1: our pass and I truly believe that unless we process

426
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,520
Speaker 1: and figure out what lens we're looking at things through,

427
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,040
Speaker 1: will never be able to clear the way. Like we'll

428
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:08,719
Speaker 1: always be controlled by our past.

429
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,480
Speaker 2: You're kind of building on top of a broken foundation.

430
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:15,720
Speaker 1: One percent, and I think that it is. I used

431
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,360
Speaker 1: to really be Oh, like, what's the point in looking back?

432
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,320
Speaker 1: I just want to look forward. You just can't. It

433
00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,760
Speaker 1: will always have a hold over you unless you let

434
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,199
Speaker 1: it go. Like even I'll share an example with you.

435
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:26,520
Speaker 3: Okay.

436
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,119
Speaker 1: So I had this really stressful two weeks at work,

437
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,719
Speaker 1: and part of the stress was coming from that some

438
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,360
Speaker 1: people really let me down at work and it made

439
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,720
Speaker 1: me feel so angry. I felt so frustrated, I felt

440
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,840
Speaker 1: so disappointed, and all I wanted was an apology. I

441
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,199
Speaker 1: just wanted them to take accountability. And I'm alia, so

442
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,520
Speaker 1: I forgive instantly, right li Liah. Yeah, So if someone

443
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:50,440
Speaker 1: says sorry, forget done, I'm over it, moved on. I

444
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,000
Speaker 1: don't care. I'm so forgiving, but I really need people

445
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,520
Speaker 1: to take accountability. And I was finding myself so stressed

446
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:59,840
Speaker 1: and so frustrated, and I spoke to my therapist about it.

447
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,240
Speaker 1: And she said to me, what really irritates you about people?

448
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,280
Speaker 1: And I said, the number one thing that irritates me

449
00:22:05,359 --> 00:22:07,679
Speaker 1: is someone that can't take accountability for what they've done right.

450
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,720
Speaker 1: And she said, when did this happen to you before?

451
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,760
Speaker 1: And instantly a memory came up or something that had

452
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,080
Speaker 1: happened to me when I was younger, and this person

453
00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:19,680
Speaker 1: had done something pretty awful to me and they never apologized,

454
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,199
Speaker 1: and me and this person never we didn't speak for

455
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,560
Speaker 1: three months, and three months later they started speaking to

456
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,040
Speaker 1: me again and just kind of pretended like nothing had happened.

457
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,359
Speaker 1: And I remember, in that moment so strong that I

458
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:33,600
Speaker 1: was about twelve at the time, thinking I just lost

459
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,919
Speaker 1: respect for them. But I felt, I can't believe you

460
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,439
Speaker 1: haven't just said sorry. And for me, what that meant

461
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,000
Speaker 1: was that my feelings didn't matter, that I didn't matter,

462
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,280
Speaker 1: I wasn't heard, I wasn't seen, I wasn't valued the

463
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:48,360
Speaker 1: things that we need right. So, now, as an adult,

464
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:52,119
Speaker 1: when somebody doesn't take accountability, I don't take it as

465
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:55,360
Speaker 1: what's happening now. I make it mean that I'm not

466
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:59,840
Speaker 1: being seen or heard, And so it stirs up such

467
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,520
Speaker 1: deep pain and emotion and so I'm not able to

468
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,840
Speaker 1: see the situation clearly because I'm focusing on the emotional

469
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,840
Speaker 1: reaction to it, that is from the past. As soon

470
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,119
Speaker 1: as I became aware of it, I was able to

471
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,919
Speaker 1: let it go right. And so that is for me

472
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:21,119
Speaker 1: the power in looking back and working on your past.

473
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,679
Speaker 3: It becomes so heavy as well, doesn't it, Because if

474
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,879
Speaker 3: you think about carrying all those things that you have

475
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,240
Speaker 3: been accumulating, of all the pain that you've taken in

476
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:34,040
Speaker 3: but not digested, all the trauma that you've taken in

477
00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:36,520
Speaker 3: but locked away somewhere. It's still in you, but it's

478
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,240
Speaker 3: somewhere that's hidden away. Actually, if you think about it,

479
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,920
Speaker 3: you go through all these years and suddenly you realize

480
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,479
Speaker 3: you're carrying so much weight. And then the heaviness of

481
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:49,600
Speaker 3: that one situation that you'd already been in, the weight

482
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:53,160
Speaker 3: of that is continued in the conversations you're then having,

483
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:57,280
Speaker 3: So everything feels even more intense, even more irritating. You

484
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,960
Speaker 3: get even angry than you normally would have, because it's

485
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,119
Speaker 3: it's not a new situation, it's an old situation that

486
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,520
Speaker 3: you're still got all that weight attached to, and so

487
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,760
Speaker 3: something that you wouldn't normally have such a deep reaction

488
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,439
Speaker 3: to if you end up wilding out because it's not

489
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:11,240
Speaker 3: being triggered, is.

490
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:14,600
Speaker 1: Right exactly for people listening, because therapy, I know, can

491
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,480
Speaker 1: be really expensive, but people can do this on their own.

492
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,919
Speaker 1: So for anybody listening, what they can do is why

493
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,800
Speaker 1: don't you just for a moment, you could get a

494
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,200
Speaker 1: journal or a notepad and pen. Now you could pause

495
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,119
Speaker 1: this and just consider what are the patterns that are

496
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:30,280
Speaker 1: currently present in your life, like what keeps coming up

497
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:35,800
Speaker 1: for you, what issues, what situations that piss you off

498
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,000
Speaker 1: or make you sad or make you angry, and can

499
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,439
Speaker 1: you recognize any patterns within them, like within those situations,

500
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,440
Speaker 1: and then just look at when did I first experience

501
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,280
Speaker 1: something like this? And it can be as simple as that,

502
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,520
Speaker 1: And I really do say like that letting go that

503
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:55,119
Speaker 1: process it is just having the awareness. I don't know how,

504
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:56,439
Speaker 1: but it releases something.

505
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:59,200
Speaker 2: It's also being aware of what is this actual emotion?

506
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,240
Speaker 3: Because I feel like we such small emotional vocabulary where

507
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 3: it's like this is making me angry, and then I

508
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,280
Speaker 3: read someone that anger is just a secondary emotion, So

509
00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:09,160
Speaker 3: what are you actually feeling? What is the emotion you're

510
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,320
Speaker 3: actually feeling, what is it digging up inside of you?

511
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:13,159
Speaker 2: Linked back to it?

512
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,800
Speaker 3: Oh, it makes me feel unworthy, unheard, makes me feel

513
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,800
Speaker 3: like nobody's supporting me, makes me feel like no one's

514
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,680
Speaker 3: listening to me. I don't feel intelligent in this room

515
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,400
Speaker 3: because of something that someone said. Whatever, the deeper rooted

516
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,880
Speaker 3: feeling is, go beyond the Oh, I'm so angry right now,

517
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:31,879
Speaker 3: because okay, you're angry, But where has the anger actually

518
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,440
Speaker 3: come from? Because if it's a secondary emotion, there's somewhere

519
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 3: deeper that you need to go. Absolutely, you spoke about dating,

520
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,879
Speaker 3: and one thing I've been surrounded by at the moment

521
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:44,120
Speaker 3: with are my friends who really struggle in dating situations

522
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:47,240
Speaker 3: to say no in set boundaries. And when you were

523
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,200
Speaker 3: saying that, I was like, I guess it is linked

524
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,400
Speaker 3: to confidence because your ability to say no in set

525
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:56,360
Speaker 3: boundaries is you being able to trust in your personal

526
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,479
Speaker 3: self and knowing that saying no is okay. And if

527
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,000
Speaker 3: they leave, if they decide that they don't want to

528
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,000
Speaker 3: go on a second date, if they decide that they

529
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,560
Speaker 3: don't want to be with you, that's a sign that

530
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,280
Speaker 3: they're not supposed to. But saying no seems to be

531
00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:11,760
Speaker 3: something that women specifically struggle with so much, whether it's

532
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,920
Speaker 3: in relationships or in friendships and the boundaries being put up.

533
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,520
Speaker 3: What kind of recommendations or advice do you give to

534
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:21,880
Speaker 3: someone who's struggling to put up boundaries.

535
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,720
Speaker 1: Well, I think it all comes down to fear of rejection. Okay,

536
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:29,840
Speaker 1: so it's all really the fear is if I set

537
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:33,760
Speaker 1: a boundary, this person will leave me. Yes, And that

538
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,840
Speaker 1: fear of rejection bther is very real. And again, be

539
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,120
Speaker 1: kind to yourself about that, because that's an evolutionary response.

540
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,440
Speaker 1: The feeling of being rejected from your tribe would mean

541
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 1: that you would be unsafe, and that would create feelings

542
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,760
Speaker 1: of an anxiety. So it's a very real thing. And

543
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,840
Speaker 1: so I think firstly, just be like kind to yourself

544
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,360
Speaker 1: by recognizing that actually it is causing a very real response.

545
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,639
Speaker 1: But I think that it's these with boundary setting. I

546
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:02,080
Speaker 1: think it's really like chicken egg because we can only

547
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,760
Speaker 1: gain confidence, well not only, but one of the ways

548
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,960
Speaker 1: that we gain confidence and self worth is by setting

549
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 1: boundaries because there is so much there's such a feeling

550
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,359
Speaker 1: of empowerment when you are able to recognize what you need,

551
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:19,480
Speaker 1: what you won't stand for and honoring yourself and trusting

552
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,439
Speaker 1: that you are worth being honored like that is. So

553
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:25,120
Speaker 1: it's such a great feeling. Anybody who's ever a sat

554
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,680
Speaker 1: set of boundary will know how good it feels when

555
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:31,040
Speaker 1: you just say not, actually I'm not available for that. Yeah,

556
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:35,639
Speaker 1: it is the best feeling. But the more confident that

557
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,399
Speaker 1: you are also the easier it is to do that.

558
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,240
Speaker 1: So you're kind of working on these things all the time.

559
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:43,800
Speaker 1: That's why these confident there's six steps of com six

560
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,960
Speaker 1: steps the eight steps of confidence that I lay out

561
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,240
Speaker 1: in my book. You really work on them simultaneously, and

562
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:50,840
Speaker 1: boundary setting is part of that. But I think we're

563
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,040
Speaker 1: dating specifically. The reason that that boundary setting is so

564
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,240
Speaker 1: hard is because, I mean, there's so many reasons, but

565
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,280
Speaker 1: some of them are that, you know, basically, what we've

566
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:02,800
Speaker 1: learned about whether we love starts from so young, right

567
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,119
Speaker 1: from you know, the way that we're the relationships that

568
00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:07,560
Speaker 1: we have with our caregivers or parents. So that is

569
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,199
Speaker 1: like really deep within us. So to feel like we

570
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 1: are most of us, most of us didn't have unconditional

571
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,680
Speaker 1: love right growing up. It's like it is conditional. It's

572
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,840
Speaker 1: if you are good, you are lovable, right, And that's

573
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,960
Speaker 1: not to blame our parents or our caregivers. It's just

574
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,560
Speaker 1: how they were taught to parent as well. And so

575
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:31,399
Speaker 1: it's very hard for us as adults to then believe

576
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,639
Speaker 1: that we are worthy of unconditional love. And I think

577
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:40,720
Speaker 1: that also there's society and our friends where you're constantly

578
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,600
Speaker 1: hearing the narrative it's so hard to meet someone. Yes,

579
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:48,800
Speaker 1: how many times do you hear people say that it's

580
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,720
Speaker 1: so hard to meet someone? These days? Nobody meet someone

581
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:55,000
Speaker 1: and it is trickier, that's true. But the more that

582
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:58,280
Speaker 1: we're saying it to each other, the more that we're

583
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:01,320
Speaker 1: kind of convincing ourselves that there's You're in the scarcity mindset.

584
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,320
Speaker 1: So well, if I set a boundary and I don't

585
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,160
Speaker 1: have this person, where the hell am I going to

586
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:06,800
Speaker 1: meet anyone else?

587
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:07,080
Speaker 4: Right?

588
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 1: So then you're stuck in this like, well, just take

589
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:13,960
Speaker 1: what I can get, rather than actually being able to say, no,

590
00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 1: I know I'm worth more than this and I'm going

591
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,760
Speaker 1: to wait. And that's what step four of my manifesting

592
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:22,320
Speaker 1: process overcome tests of overcome tests from the universe is

593
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:25,560
Speaker 1: really all about this. I truly believe that we won't

594
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 1: meet our one until we are able to say no

595
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,600
Speaker 1: to what isn't right for us, And as long as

596
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:36,520
Speaker 1: we are allowing someone to treat us with any level

597
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:42,360
Speaker 1: of disrespect or you know, anything that really isn't reflective

598
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:44,640
Speaker 1: of what you actually want, we won't be able to

599
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,000
Speaker 1: create space for what you do want to ender your life.

600
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,120
Speaker 2: That makes so much sense.

601
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,640
Speaker 3: It's like you're already holding things in your hands, So

602
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,320
Speaker 3: how do you expect the God or universe?

603
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:55,080
Speaker 2: It's ready for you.

604
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 3: But if you don't let go of what's not for you,

605
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:58,880
Speaker 3: you don't have the hands to catch what's for you,

606
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:01,360
Speaker 3: or even the eyes to rect that. It is that

607
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:03,200
Speaker 3: even if you're being sent all the signs, all this

608
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:07,320
Speaker 3: thing that I was just this morning listening to the

609
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:09,080
Speaker 3: audiobook of Conversations with God.

610
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:09,640
Speaker 2: Have you read that?

611
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:10,080
Speaker 1: No?

612
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:13,040
Speaker 3: I just got into the first chapter, but it was

613
00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:16,760
Speaker 3: so beautiful because he was talking about how he was

614
00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 3: asking God, Okay, but how do I know you're talking

615
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:18,960
Speaker 3: to me?

616
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,000
Speaker 2: Universe? How do I know that you're speaking to me?

617
00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:24,440
Speaker 3: And God said, I'm literally sending signs and signals all

618
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:27,800
Speaker 3: the time. I'm showing you not because words are actually

619
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:32,400
Speaker 3: the lowest form of communication. Words are actually the lowest,

620
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,160
Speaker 3: most unreliable form of communication.

621
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:36,960
Speaker 2: But actually through.

622
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,560
Speaker 3: The way that you actually feel, through the way people

623
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:43,480
Speaker 3: behave around you, through the tiny things that happen in

624
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:46,920
Speaker 3: your day. Those are the indications that I'm communicating with you,

625
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,120
Speaker 3: but you need the eyes to be able to see it,

626
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 3: the hands to receive it. And I just thought that's

627
00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:55,240
Speaker 3: so true, right, like that the signs are being shown

628
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,200
Speaker 3: to us all the time, but we have to know

629
00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:00,719
Speaker 3: when to let go and when to receive, definitely, and

630
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 3: that comes with I see confidence as alignment as well,

631
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:06,920
Speaker 3: because the more that you feel that you are spiritually

632
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,760
Speaker 3: connected or in alignment with the universe around you or

633
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:12,680
Speaker 3: with God, the more you're able to receive those signals

634
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:14,040
Speaker 3: and the more you know that they.

635
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:14,960
Speaker 2: Are the trusted source.

636
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:15,840
Speaker 1: Absolutely.

637
00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:18,600
Speaker 3: But to get there, you obviously have to build self trust.

638
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:20,960
Speaker 3: And so what with some of the tools and techniques

639
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,440
Speaker 3: that you have used in your life to actually build

640
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:25,880
Speaker 3: trust in your own voice and your own capabilities.

641
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,719
Speaker 1: I think it's such a good point. So self trust

642
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:32,040
Speaker 1: for me is really being able to trust your own

643
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,280
Speaker 1: word and trust in your decision making, and they're kind

644
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:36,959
Speaker 1: of two separate things. So in terms of trusting your

645
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 1: own word. I think it's really important that you do

646
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:42,280
Speaker 1: the things that you say you'll do. And for me,

647
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,800
Speaker 1: this is like really foundational to confidence. If you are

648
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:49,280
Speaker 1: saying to yourself, I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow,

649
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:52,520
Speaker 1: I'm going to finish this task, I'm not going to

650
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,400
Speaker 1: drink tonight, whatever it is. If you are saying those

651
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 1: things to yourself and you're not doing them, then it's

652
00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:00,440
Speaker 1: how are you going to learn to trust yourself? And

653
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:02,760
Speaker 1: so it really is about That's why I think self

654
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:05,560
Speaker 1: discipline is a form of self respect and self love,

655
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:08,640
Speaker 1: because you need to start following through with your own word,

656
00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:11,120
Speaker 1: just in the same way that if you had someone

657
00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:13,440
Speaker 1: in your life that never did the things they say

658
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,600
Speaker 1: they'd do, you'd stop trusting them, you'd lose respect for them,

659
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,440
Speaker 1: and so you have to treat yourself with the same

660
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:23,200
Speaker 1: kind of standards. The next thing is decision making. So

661
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,240
Speaker 1: I think that it's particularly when we have low self worth,

662
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 1: we often turn to the people around us to help

663
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,120
Speaker 1: us make all our decisions. So you know, you might

664
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,240
Speaker 1: call your mum, what should I have for lunch today?

665
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,280
Speaker 1: You know? Or I don't know what to do, or

666
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:37,840
Speaker 1: should I post this on Instagram. Should I stay in

667
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,120
Speaker 1: this job? Should I break up with my boyfriend? We

668
00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:42,560
Speaker 1: ask the people around us to help us make all

669
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:48,720
Speaker 1: our decisions, and actually, I think that being able to

670
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,920
Speaker 1: make our own decisions is like one of the quickest

671
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:55,960
Speaker 1: ways to building that self trust and self confidence. And

672
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,480
Speaker 1: so how do we do that? I often talk about

673
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:02,000
Speaker 1: us being able to visualize our higher self? Right, So

674
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:05,000
Speaker 1: if you were to sit and think about who is

675
00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:07,200
Speaker 1: the best you that you could be, and visualize that

676
00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:09,760
Speaker 1: version of yourself and think about what does that version

677
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 1: of you do day to day, how do they feel

678
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:13,880
Speaker 1: about themselves, how do they walk into a room, what

679
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,840
Speaker 1: are they attracting into their life? And then I want

680
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:19,600
Speaker 1: you to use that higher self as your decision maker.

681
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,680
Speaker 1: So before every decision you make, instead of asking your

682
00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:25,560
Speaker 1: friend what to do, you can ask yourself, what would

683
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,840
Speaker 1: my higher self do? And it is such an amazing

684
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:32,040
Speaker 1: It's like a filter for you, so that your decision

685
00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:35,280
Speaker 1: filter that will help you to make more empowering decisions

686
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:38,160
Speaker 1: and gain that confidence on the way.

687
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 3: Because then you also don't get stuck in the temporary

688
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:44,120
Speaker 3: feelings that you have. It's that my friends always text me,

689
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:45,400
Speaker 3: like I was saying should I text him?

690
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:47,480
Speaker 2: And I'm like, make the decision in the morning.

691
00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, don't do that right now, because what emotion

692
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:52,920
Speaker 3: you are feeling right now will not be the same

693
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:54,800
Speaker 3: as what you're feeling in the morning. And so that's

694
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 3: obviously such a small example, but totally thinking of what

695
00:33:58,040 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 3: would my higher self do, It's almost like thinking in

696
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:01,160
Speaker 3: the future, if you will.

697
00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:04,080
Speaker 2: It's saying, Okay, how.

698
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,200
Speaker 3: Will I feel about myself in an hour's time, or

699
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:09,600
Speaker 3: if I was looking at myself from an outside point

700
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,880
Speaker 3: of view, what would make me feel happy in the

701
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:14,080
Speaker 3: decision that I made in that moment exactly.

702
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:15,440
Speaker 2: And I want to kind of go back.

703
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:19,719
Speaker 3: To addiction just a little bit, because I find for

704
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:21,919
Speaker 3: many of my friends as well that have been through

705
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:26,960
Speaker 3: difficulty and confidence or lack of self worth. It's so

706
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:30,560
Speaker 3: interesting how addiction plays such a big role in that.

707
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:35,440
Speaker 3: In whichever way, whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever it is,

708
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:40,600
Speaker 3: people's natural instinct is to go towards something that suppresses

709
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:45,320
Speaker 3: and gives temporary satisfaction, even though the pain is greater after.

710
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:47,839
Speaker 2: So after I know wolf was.

711
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:50,120
Speaker 3: The reason you ended up giving up, but what did

712
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:52,200
Speaker 3: you do in those struggling moments where you were going

713
00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:54,600
Speaker 3: to turn to addiction, if you had any moments like that,

714
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:56,839
Speaker 3: and what were the things that actually stopped you, because

715
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,840
Speaker 3: I find that's the hardest moment to make those decisions.

716
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,280
Speaker 1: In so it's really interesting. I mean, I think ultimately

717
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:04,520
Speaker 1: what we're looking to do is escape, right and escape

718
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,279
Speaker 1: from the pain of being ourselves. And that's definitely what

719
00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:11,759
Speaker 1: I was doing for a long time. And when I

720
00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:15,480
Speaker 1: had Wolf, when I gave everything up during pregnancy, I

721
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:19,240
Speaker 1: have to say, it was unbelievably hard. Giving up smoking

722
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:25,640
Speaker 1: was one thing. Giving up drugs for me was horrendously difficult.

723
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,560
Speaker 1: Like all I wanted to do was like just go

724
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,520
Speaker 1: out and take drugs and it felt really hard. And

725
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:33,319
Speaker 1: actually what I at the time of being pregnant, I

726
00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:35,000
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, when I have Wolf, I'm just going

727
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,000
Speaker 1: to go back to it, like I really wanted to.

728
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,319
Speaker 1: At that point, I thought that's what I would do.

729
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:44,600
Speaker 1: But what happened was during my pregnancy I started figuring

730
00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 1: out what my purpose was. I started figuring out what

731
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,120
Speaker 1: I wanted to do after I had Wolf, And straight

732
00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:51,000
Speaker 1: after I had Wolf, I started to turn my life

733
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,880
Speaker 1: around and within five months I basically started my career,

734
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:58,400
Speaker 1: which was I started with hosting workshops. What kept me

735
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 1: from going back to drugs wasn't necessarily being a mom,

736
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:04,960
Speaker 1: if I'm honest, it was that I found a purpose

737
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:07,600
Speaker 1: right and that I found something worth waking up for

738
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:10,080
Speaker 1: the next day and something that was giving me a

739
00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:13,880
Speaker 1: sense of self worth. I felt like being of service

740
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:16,640
Speaker 1: to others was my reason for being and that all

741
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:19,080
Speaker 1: the pain I'd been in before was so that I

742
00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:24,120
Speaker 1: could connect with others, and that feeling of being of service,

743
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:28,480
Speaker 1: that feeling of having something that was greater than me,

744
00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:33,200
Speaker 1: became my anchor, and that was the start of my

745
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:37,560
Speaker 1: confidence journey, really, and that's why step seven of confidence

746
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:43,000
Speaker 1: is being of service. I think people underestimate how being

747
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:47,840
Speaker 1: of service can actually impact our own feeling of being

748
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:51,319
Speaker 1: valuable in the world and feeling like we are yeah,

749
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:54,160
Speaker 1: feeling we are of value, And I think it's so important,

750
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,319
Speaker 1: and that can be in any way. It can be

751
00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 1: through charitable work, volunteering, through what you do, but it

752
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:04,280
Speaker 1: can also just be through how you support the people

753
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:07,680
Speaker 1: close to your family, your friends. It doesn't have to

754
00:37:07,719 --> 00:37:11,160
Speaker 1: be like it really can be anything, but just knowing

755
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:15,640
Speaker 1: that we can help others. I think it's just so integral.

756
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:18,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, when I read that part of the book, you know,

757
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:22,279
Speaker 3: every time I think about service, I think about it's

758
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,920
Speaker 3: just an opportunity to get yourself out of your own

759
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:29,080
Speaker 3: mind and into someone else's life or into someone else's

760
00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:32,279
Speaker 3: pain or discomfort. And you also feel more useful in

761
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:35,399
Speaker 3: that situation, which helps with the purpose aspect of it.

762
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:39,200
Speaker 3: But it also made me think about how confidence or

763
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:43,600
Speaker 3: lack of confidence could also potentially come from self obsession

764
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:46,520
Speaker 3: in a certain way. And the reason I thought that

765
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,799
Speaker 3: was because when you end up obsessing over yourself so much,

766
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:53,400
Speaker 3: obsessing over how people see you, obsessing over looking in

767
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:56,040
Speaker 3: the mirror thirty forty fifty times before you go out

768
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:58,440
Speaker 3: of the house, obsessing over what you're wearing and what

769
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:00,360
Speaker 3: other people are thinking. And I'm saying this from a

770
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:03,400
Speaker 3: personal point of view because I used to It actually

771
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:06,280
Speaker 3: really messed up mine and Jay's relationship at the beginning,

772
00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:09,360
Speaker 3: because I was so insecure of every.

773
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:19,400
Speaker 2: Part of my body my Okay, yeah, this is a

774
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:20,440
Speaker 2: really good cry for a reason.

775
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:23,359
Speaker 3: Yeah, I was so insecure that every time we would

776
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:26,680
Speaker 3: go out, I would the thing I'd be obsessing over

777
00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:29,040
Speaker 3: was before we left the house. I would be like, oh,

778
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 3: does this look weird on me, or every part of

779
00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:34,040
Speaker 3: our conversation would be based around that I'm crime, because

780
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:36,120
Speaker 3: I was like, how sad it was back then that

781
00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:40,279
Speaker 3: it ruined so much of my experience of the relationship,

782
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:41,960
Speaker 3: of the experience of going to.

783
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:42,839
Speaker 2: Wherever we were going.

784
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:45,319
Speaker 3: And it was so interesting to me because it went

785
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:48,439
Speaker 3: on four years from such a young age, probably because

786
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:50,360
Speaker 3: I grew up overweight and I was just always obsessing

787
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:54,360
Speaker 3: over that. But how it was purely through self obsession

788
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:56,799
Speaker 3: of the thought that other people are going to be

789
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:58,400
Speaker 3: thinking about all of this stuff to do with me

790
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:01,040
Speaker 3: when we people are just thinking about themselves. And so

791
00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:06,719
Speaker 3: the obsessiveness of constantly thinking people are thinking about me,

792
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:09,520
Speaker 3: people are looking at me, people are doing all these

793
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:13,160
Speaker 3: things and it's all to do with me has destructive tendencies,

794
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 3: Like it really is so destructive to the conversations you

795
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:18,480
Speaker 3: can have with people, even when you interact with them.

796
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:20,279
Speaker 3: I could be thinking right now, oh my god, I

797
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:22,200
Speaker 3: wonder what she's looking at me and what she thinks

798
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:25,280
Speaker 3: about my makeup, for example, Or I could be listening

799
00:39:25,360 --> 00:39:28,160
Speaker 3: to what you are saying and participating in this conversation,

800
00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:31,360
Speaker 3: and I just find it makes me sad for other people,

801
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:34,359
Speaker 3: thinking of there's so many people who go through that

802
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:38,279
Speaker 3: where it strips them and takes away their ability to

803
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:43,600
Speaker 3: actually connect, communicate and live in present moment with people,

804
00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 3: and I think it's such a difficult place to get

805
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:48,279
Speaker 3: out of as well. I think having obviously a partner

806
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:51,480
Speaker 3: who's so supportive in that and was like no, repeating

807
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:54,120
Speaker 3: himself over and over again, but eventually being like, I

808
00:39:54,239 --> 00:39:56,920
Speaker 3: really want you to care about yourself and love yourself

809
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:58,960
Speaker 3: because I see you and I think you're this, this

810
00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:02,920
Speaker 3: and this, you don't see it, and that nothing else matters.

811
00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:05,319
Speaker 3: How other people see you makes no difference. And so

812
00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:09,400
Speaker 3: I think creating these tools and techniques like you've got

813
00:40:09,480 --> 00:40:12,120
Speaker 3: in both your books, I think it's just so important

814
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:16,080
Speaker 3: because the whole world just seems so sadder then happy.

815
00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:16,560
Speaker 2: Don't you think?

816
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:18,440
Speaker 1: I agree? And thank you for sharing that.

817
00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:20,160
Speaker 2: I expect to do that either, but.

818
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:25,040
Speaker 1: It's I think it's like so amazing to experience that

819
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:28,880
Speaker 1: kind of emotion and it's compassion, yeah, like feeling like

820
00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:33,960
Speaker 1: sad for the old you, and like also I think

821
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:38,560
Speaker 1: sometimes it's also really touching to see how far you've

822
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:43,799
Speaker 1: come sometimes mind yourself, and it is really sad that

823
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:46,400
Speaker 1: we waste so much of our lives worried about what

824
00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:48,960
Speaker 1: everyone else thinks of us. And I think there's a

825
00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:51,319
Speaker 1: stat in the beginning of the book that Dove did

826
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:56,680
Speaker 1: which is, I think seventy two percent of young girls

827
00:40:56,960 --> 00:40:59,440
Speaker 1: don't do something because they're worried about the way that

828
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:02,880
Speaker 1: they look. So they're like genuinely missing out on their life,

829
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:06,719
Speaker 1: so much of their life, and it's there's a psychological

830
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:10,160
Speaker 1: phenomenon called the spotlight effect, which is literally where we

831
00:41:10,239 --> 00:41:12,319
Speaker 1: assume that other people are focusing on the things that

832
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:15,200
Speaker 1: we notice. So if we've got a spot, we're convinced

833
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:17,680
Speaker 1: that everybody's staring at it, or if we're messing up

834
00:41:17,719 --> 00:41:21,120
Speaker 1: in gym, we think that someone's watching us. Yeah, nobody

835
00:41:21,239 --> 00:41:24,720
Speaker 1: is nobody. We are not the main character of anyone

836
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:28,000
Speaker 1: else's story. No, nobody's say in the book, and like

837
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:33,280
Speaker 1: nobody's tuning into the next episode.

838
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:33,320
Speaker 2: They really don't.

839
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:35,080
Speaker 3: And I think as soon as you start living life

840
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:37,800
Speaker 3: that I had this lady called Liz Moody on my podcast,

841
00:41:38,239 --> 00:41:40,640
Speaker 3: and she had something in her book that really changed

842
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:43,240
Speaker 3: it for me, where she said she was really conscious

843
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:46,080
Speaker 3: because she felt really uncomfortable in a swim suit, and

844
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:49,239
Speaker 3: so her whole family went on holiday and they all

845
00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:51,040
Speaker 3: were in the ocean. She was like, there's no way

846
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:54,560
Speaker 3: I'm getting in the ocean because my thighs look like this.

847
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:56,279
Speaker 3: People are going to be thinking, why is she even

848
00:41:56,320 --> 00:41:58,320
Speaker 3: in the ocean, Why is she even wearing that swim suit.

849
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,800
Speaker 3: She was sitting there, sitting there on the beach thinking

850
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:04,520
Speaker 3: that constantly while she was watching her whole family enjoy

851
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,600
Speaker 3: themselves so much. And suddenly she was like, when I'm

852
00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:09,799
Speaker 3: eighty years old, am I going to be sitting there thinking,

853
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:12,400
Speaker 3: thank goodness those people didn't see my cellul like or

854
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:15,000
Speaker 3: am I going to be remembering feeling the ocean on

855
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:18,920
Speaker 3: my skin and feeling the sun and laughing with my family?

856
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:20,759
Speaker 3: And am I going to remember those laughs for the

857
00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:22,920
Speaker 3: rest of my life? And she goes, in that moment,

858
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,440
Speaker 3: I took off my song and I ran into that ocean,

859
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:29,120
Speaker 3: and I remember that story and I share it so

860
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:32,719
Speaker 3: much because that is literally how we live most of

861
00:42:32,719 --> 00:42:34,400
Speaker 3: our life. I'm not going to dance with my friends

862
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:37,120
Speaker 3: because I'm not going to dancing. I'm not gonna go

863
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:39,560
Speaker 3: out and wearing that thing I want to wear because

864
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:43,359
Speaker 3: my thighs don't look like that person's And I think

865
00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:47,160
Speaker 3: jealousy moving on to something that I think is another

866
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:48,600
Speaker 3: part of lack of confidence.

867
00:42:48,239 --> 00:42:49,040
Speaker 2: Which is jealousy.

868
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:53,400
Speaker 3: How in your life have you dealt with feeling emotions

869
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:56,240
Speaker 3: of jealousy of other women or other people in your life,

870
00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:59,120
Speaker 3: and what are some tools that you've used to navigate that.

871
00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:04,719
Speaker 1: So I think envy is a really it's a core emotion, right, Yeah.

872
00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:09,080
Speaker 1: We have it from like children and honestly, like Wolf

873
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:13,880
Speaker 1: cannot to see his cousin Adam even look at one

874
00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:16,960
Speaker 1: of his toys like oh my gosh, and you learn

875
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:19,759
Speaker 1: that it is a core emotion. But as adults, we

876
00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:21,640
Speaker 1: have so much shame around it, like we don't want

877
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:25,000
Speaker 1: to admit that we're jealous. But it's normal to feel jealous, right,

878
00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:29,279
Speaker 1: And I think that the first for me, I know

879
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:33,520
Speaker 1: that what I used to feel really jealous of was

880
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:39,839
Speaker 1: people on Instagram looking like happy and playful, playful and

881
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:42,040
Speaker 1: fun because I was in such a deep depression for

882
00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:44,600
Speaker 1: all my life that when I see people on social

883
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:48,640
Speaker 1: media just being like care free, I'd be like, oh

884
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,600
Speaker 1: my god, like I would crave it, like it would

885
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:55,920
Speaker 1: make me feel so shit about myself. And I really struggled,

886
00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:59,400
Speaker 1: I think with social media because I just didn't have

887
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:01,520
Speaker 1: any confidence myself. And I think that the thing with

888
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:06,080
Speaker 1: envy or is that it's most if we feel it

889
00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:07,680
Speaker 1: the most in the areas of our life where we

890
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:10,840
Speaker 1: feel the most insecure. But I have a whole step

891
00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:13,279
Speaker 1: on like how to stop comparing yourself to others, And

892
00:44:13,320 --> 00:44:15,080
Speaker 1: I have lots of tools in the book about how

893
00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:19,319
Speaker 1: to do that, and I've used them lots myself. So

894
00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:24,080
Speaker 1: one of them is one that is turned envy into inspiration,

895
00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:27,160
Speaker 1: So allow people to really like show you what's possible,

896
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:31,200
Speaker 1: rather than being being in this scarcity mindset where if

897
00:44:31,239 --> 00:44:32,880
Speaker 1: someone has something that might have been less for you,

898
00:44:33,239 --> 00:44:35,400
Speaker 1: it's in fact allowing someone else to show you what's possible.

899
00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:37,799
Speaker 1: So being able to watch your envy, recognize when it

900
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:39,960
Speaker 1: props up and say, what is this showing me as possible?

901
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,040
Speaker 1: Or what's it showing me I need to heal more

902
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:44,840
Speaker 1: right in myself. But there's a few other tools that

903
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:47,520
Speaker 1: I love. One of them is all about changing your perspective.

904
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:51,080
Speaker 1: So I often think about if you I describe the

905
00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:53,319
Speaker 1: situation of like if you're in a car and you're

906
00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:55,759
Speaker 1: in a line of traffic, and if you're in a

907
00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:57,560
Speaker 1: line of traffic and you were to look in your

908
00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:00,800
Speaker 1: rear view, well, if you could be in sorry, imagine

909
00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:02,200
Speaker 1: that you're in a line of traffic and you're looking

910
00:45:02,239 --> 00:45:03,600
Speaker 1: ahead at all the people ahead of you, and you're like,

911
00:45:03,640 --> 00:45:05,200
Speaker 1: oh my god, I wish I was up at the front,

912
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:08,040
Speaker 1: right right. But if you took a moment to look

913
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:09,960
Speaker 1: at your rear view mirror and you saw all the

914
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:12,359
Speaker 1: line of traffic behind you, you might actually be able

915
00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:13,680
Speaker 1: to just be like, do you know what? I'm so

916
00:45:13,719 --> 00:45:16,960
Speaker 1: grateful for where I am? And it's called basically, there's

917
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:20,520
Speaker 1: something called upward comparison and downward comparison. And upward comparison

918
00:45:20,600 --> 00:45:22,080
Speaker 1: is where we tend to look at people that we

919
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:23,879
Speaker 1: perceive is better than us, and this can be quite

920
00:45:23,960 --> 00:45:26,640
Speaker 1: damaging for our self esteem if done too much. Some

921
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:29,319
Speaker 1: is nice because it can push us right, it can

922
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,320
Speaker 1: push us to do better and to grow and destrive

923
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:33,040
Speaker 1: for more, but it can have a negative effect when

924
00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:35,279
Speaker 1: we do it too much and we're constantly thinking that

925
00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:38,400
Speaker 1: everyone else is better than us. Downward comparison, it's not

926
00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:41,080
Speaker 1: about looking at people as if we are above them,

927
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:44,560
Speaker 1: but it's about understanding that we are fortunate for where

928
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:46,880
Speaker 1: we are, because there are people that don't have what

929
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:49,960
Speaker 1: we have yet, and so this is actually that's where

930
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:52,359
Speaker 1: you have a kind of healthy level of comparison, where

931
00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:54,919
Speaker 1: you can have a little bit of both. So being

932
00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:57,319
Speaker 1: able to just like sit back and just say, actually,

933
00:45:57,360 --> 00:46:00,360
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful how far I've come, and I'm in

934
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,920
Speaker 1: such a fortunate position, because look, you know, by making

935
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:07,040
Speaker 1: some downward comparisons can be really helpful. Another thing that

936
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:10,640
Speaker 1: I love is consider what you don't know. So when

937
00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:14,000
Speaker 1: we see somebody's something that someone has that we're jealous of,

938
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:17,800
Speaker 1: we're just seeing that one small part of their life.

939
00:46:18,280 --> 00:46:21,360
Speaker 1: But consider what you don't know about them, or their challenges,

940
00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:25,040
Speaker 1: their traumas, their difficulties that you can't see, And then

941
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:27,880
Speaker 1: ask yourself, would I really trade my entire life for their?

942
00:46:28,560 --> 00:46:32,320
Speaker 1: And the answers always know, right, you'd rather rather the devil,

943
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:35,399
Speaker 1: you know, But you know, wouldn't you rather your own

944
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:39,879
Speaker 1: challenges and your own you know? But everything that you have,

945
00:46:39,960 --> 00:46:42,040
Speaker 1: You wouldn't trade all of that just for one part

946
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:43,480
Speaker 1: of someone else's life.

947
00:46:43,640 --> 00:46:44,320
Speaker 2: That's so true.

948
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:47,960
Speaker 3: And I always find jealousy sometimes comes out brings out

949
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:51,319
Speaker 3: the worst words and worst thoughts in your mind as well,

950
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:53,400
Speaker 3: where you become so much more critical about other people

951
00:46:53,719 --> 00:46:55,480
Speaker 3: because you kind of don't want them to succeed, Like

952
00:46:55,560 --> 00:46:58,480
Speaker 3: jealousy turns into this desire of oh, they can't really

953
00:46:58,480 --> 00:47:00,960
Speaker 3: be that good or the must be a flaw in

954
00:47:01,080 --> 00:47:04,360
Speaker 3: something there. So do you think you can be critical

955
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:07,040
Speaker 3: of others but still have confidence or do you think

956
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:10,520
Speaker 3: there has to be a disconnect between the two BOK.

957
00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:11,960
Speaker 1: I think it's humans. I'm not going to sit here

958
00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:14,719
Speaker 1: and say we never judge anyone. It's just not possible.

959
00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:19,040
Speaker 1: But would I say that the majority of the time

960
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:22,239
Speaker 1: I see the best in people? Yes, I think that

961
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:26,160
Speaker 1: I don't care to because I feel confident in who

962
00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:30,080
Speaker 1: I am. I'm not would why would it matter to

963
00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:32,600
Speaker 1: me if someone wants to express themselves in this way

964
00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:35,520
Speaker 1: or that? Like good free Everyone should be free to

965
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:37,320
Speaker 1: be who they are, And I think that really comes

966
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:40,440
Speaker 1: from confidence. And I definitely would say that those feelings

967
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:44,840
Speaker 1: of comparison or envy that I experienced before are much

968
00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:48,160
Speaker 1: much much less. Not to say that I don't sometimes

969
00:47:48,239 --> 00:47:50,719
Speaker 1: have the odd moment with a friend where we're like,

970
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:54,880
Speaker 1: you know, we're human. It happens sometimes, But if it

971
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,720
Speaker 1: does I'm also, but majority of the time, I will

972
00:47:57,840 --> 00:48:00,480
Speaker 1: always give people the benefit of the doubt. And if

973
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:04,880
Speaker 1: I notice myself feeling jealous of someone, it's like, oh, okay,

974
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:06,600
Speaker 1: what's that showing?

975
00:48:06,680 --> 00:48:07,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, what is it that I want?

976
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:11,080
Speaker 1: Likely changing it? You know, I really think being happy

977
00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:14,840
Speaker 1: for other people is such an amazing and wonderful quality

978
00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:18,120
Speaker 1: to have, So I always whatever possible celebrate other people's success.

979
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:18,560
Speaker 2: Yeah.

980
00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:20,920
Speaker 3: Whenever I used to get jealous or of other people,

981
00:48:20,920 --> 00:48:22,600
Speaker 3: the first thing I would try and do is compliment

982
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,080
Speaker 3: them in my mind, yeah, or even out loud. Yeah,

983
00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:26,799
Speaker 3: Because as soon as I get a negative thought about

984
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:28,799
Speaker 3: the moment, okay, but what is it about.

985
00:48:28,560 --> 00:48:30,400
Speaker 2: Them that I truly admire?

986
00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:34,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, because there's always admiration that's tucked into jealousy because

987
00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:37,320
Speaker 3: obviously you want what that person has, And so trying

988
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:41,440
Speaker 3: to turn that jealousy into words of admiration or appreciation

989
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:45,680
Speaker 3: ends up being really useful in those moments too. You

990
00:48:45,760 --> 00:48:47,680
Speaker 3: wrote in the book that confidence is built through action,

991
00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:48,600
Speaker 3: not affirmation.

992
00:48:49,040 --> 00:48:50,680
Speaker 2: Could you explain a little bit about what you mean

993
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:51,000
Speaker 2: by that?

994
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:53,600
Speaker 1: So I say that like, actions speak louder than words.

995
00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:55,400
Speaker 1: So sometimes someone can show you they love you, not

996
00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:58,120
Speaker 1: by just saying I love you, but helping you move house,

997
00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:00,439
Speaker 1: bring you a cup of tea in the morning. It's

998
00:49:00,440 --> 00:49:02,759
Speaker 1: through what you do. And I think the way we

999
00:49:02,800 --> 00:49:05,239
Speaker 1: treat ourselves really does matter. I think that we can

1000
00:49:05,239 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 1: speak to ourselves kindly, and that's so important. But how

1001
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:10,759
Speaker 1: are we treating ourselves? Are we giving our body the

1002
00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:14,120
Speaker 1: nutrients it needs? Are we moving it? Are you honoring

1003
00:49:14,200 --> 00:49:17,279
Speaker 1: rest when you need to? Are you getting fresh air

1004
00:49:17,320 --> 00:49:19,399
Speaker 1: and being out in nature? You know? I think that

1005
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:22,600
Speaker 1: we need to show ourselves through the way that we

1006
00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:25,200
Speaker 1: treat ourselves, how what we deserve.

1007
00:49:25,560 --> 00:49:29,440
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, I think that action is very important, especially

1008
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:31,600
Speaker 3: if you keep telling yourself something. It goes back to

1009
00:49:31,640 --> 00:49:34,560
Speaker 3: the self confidence and self trust, right you keep saying

1010
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:36,200
Speaker 3: something and not doing it exactly.

1011
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:37,600
Speaker 2: I wanted to go a list bit on.

1012
00:49:37,600 --> 00:49:41,560
Speaker 3: Affirmations and some affirmations of confidence that people can say

1013
00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:41,920
Speaker 3: every day.

1014
00:49:41,960 --> 00:49:42,720
Speaker 2: Do you have any favorites?

1015
00:49:42,719 --> 00:49:42,839
Speaker 4: Oh?

1016
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:46,640
Speaker 1: My god, so many. My favorite favorite is I am enough.

1017
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:48,840
Speaker 1: I have always been enough. I love that do The

1018
00:49:48,840 --> 00:49:50,759
Speaker 1: first time I said that when I cried so I

1019
00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:55,480
Speaker 1: think I just needed to hear it so much. I

1020
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:58,160
Speaker 1: am proud of how far I have come. I am

1021
00:49:58,200 --> 00:50:00,000
Speaker 1: proud of who I am and who I am because

1022
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:04,279
Speaker 1: is one that I love. I am of value to

1023
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:08,320
Speaker 1: the world and people around me. I think a great

1024
00:50:08,320 --> 00:50:10,680
Speaker 1: way to figure out what affirmation is good for you

1025
00:50:10,880 --> 00:50:14,320
Speaker 1: is to think about what are your the limiting beliefs

1026
00:50:14,320 --> 00:50:16,160
Speaker 1: that you know that you hold, like, what are your

1027
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:18,040
Speaker 1: things like? It might be that you don't feel like

1028
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:20,839
Speaker 1: you're good with people, or you don't feel that you're

1029
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,400
Speaker 1: clever enough to being the job that you're in, or

1030
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:26,920
Speaker 1: whatever it is for you, And then basically you just

1031
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:31,440
Speaker 1: write an affirmation that directly opposes that limiting belief. And

1032
00:50:31,520 --> 00:50:33,160
Speaker 1: I think what people always need to remember is that

1033
00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:35,400
Speaker 1: you don't need to believe it to be true to

1034
00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:38,200
Speaker 1: say it right like people say, but I don't believe that.

1035
00:50:38,719 --> 00:50:42,319
Speaker 1: How can I say I am, you know, incredible at

1036
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:44,880
Speaker 1: interviews if I don't feel like I am right? Or

1037
00:50:45,880 --> 00:50:47,920
Speaker 1: how can I say I'm calma at ease when I'm

1038
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:51,560
Speaker 1: feeling so anxious. But the point is that we're trying

1039
00:50:51,600 --> 00:50:55,560
Speaker 1: to give our brain these thoughts that it can then

1040
00:50:56,360 --> 00:51:00,359
Speaker 1: make reality by repeated use. And I think it, you know,

1041
00:51:00,440 --> 00:51:02,520
Speaker 1: Marissipi always says that your brain's job is to make

1042
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,319
Speaker 1: your thoughts true. And I love the way she describes it,

1043
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:08,359
Speaker 1: and it's, you know, we are telling our brain how

1044
00:51:08,400 --> 00:51:12,239
Speaker 1: to feel by inputting these like nourishing thoughts. And so

1045
00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:14,400
Speaker 1: I love affirmations, you know, first thing in the morning,

1046
00:51:14,440 --> 00:51:16,640
Speaker 1: as I'm waking up, when our brains are really susceptible

1047
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:18,960
Speaker 1: to that positive messaging, That for me is my favorite.

1048
00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:22,120
Speaker 1: Like I'm always like a wake up, I'm excited for

1049
00:51:22,160 --> 00:51:25,279
Speaker 1: what today could bring. I'm resilient and strong, I'm ready

1050
00:51:25,280 --> 00:51:28,000
Speaker 1: to handle any challenges that come my way. I'm proud

1051
00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:30,399
Speaker 1: of where I am, you know, And so I think, Yeah,

1052
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:31,520
Speaker 1: I just love affirmations.

1053
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:34,080
Speaker 3: You're inviting it into existence, even if it doesn't already

1054
00:51:34,160 --> 00:51:36,320
Speaker 3: exist in your own mind or you don't believe it. Yeah,

1055
00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:38,960
Speaker 3: And starting your day off in that way, it creates

1056
00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:41,440
Speaker 3: that instead of a negative filter, you end up kind

1057
00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:44,760
Speaker 3: of putting in that the different lenses of living life

1058
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:48,080
Speaker 3: through those those affirmations. Exactly, what would you say has

1059
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,359
Speaker 3: been the hardest truth that you've had to learn on

1060
00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:50,960
Speaker 3: this journey?

1061
00:51:52,160 --> 00:51:57,160
Speaker 1: Healing really isn't like a linear process. Yeah, I think

1062
00:51:57,239 --> 00:52:00,439
Speaker 1: that I found it really challenging in time where I'd

1063
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:02,359
Speaker 1: think that I'd made so much progress and I could

1064
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:05,279
Speaker 1: have a long stretch of feeling incredible and then all

1065
00:52:05,320 --> 00:52:08,200
Speaker 1: of a sudden, I feel like I'm right back, but

1066
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:12,120
Speaker 1: actually realizing you're never right back. And it was really

1067
00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:15,080
Speaker 1: hard to It was really scary for me at times

1068
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:17,440
Speaker 1: because I thought, oh my god, I'm going back to

1069
00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:21,480
Speaker 1: that depression or it was that was scary, But actually

1070
00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:25,640
Speaker 1: now with experience, like the other I told you when

1071
00:52:25,760 --> 00:52:28,400
Speaker 1: I came in today, the other we you know, I

1072
00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:31,160
Speaker 1: had two weeks where I honestly don't remember the last

1073
00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:34,239
Speaker 1: time I felt that much anxiety. I really felt on

1074
00:52:34,280 --> 00:52:38,280
Speaker 1: the edge of like a breakdown. I felt really unwell mentally,

1075
00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:40,799
Speaker 1: and I hadn't felt that bad for a long time,

1076
00:52:40,840 --> 00:52:44,440
Speaker 1: and it was scary in a way, but I had

1077
00:52:44,640 --> 00:52:48,600
Speaker 1: enough experience to trust that something amazing was coming on

1078
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:49,360
Speaker 1: the other side.

1079
00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:51,120
Speaker 2: I think you had all the tools and techniques you

1080
00:52:51,120 --> 00:52:54,120
Speaker 2: needed too. Yeah, sure you come out of it. Yeah

1081
00:52:54,160 --> 00:52:54,680
Speaker 2: you built that.

1082
00:52:54,719 --> 00:52:57,800
Speaker 1: I had the tools, but most importantly I had the hope. Yeah,

1083
00:52:57,840 --> 00:53:00,400
Speaker 1: And that's sometimes when you're in those moments, that is

1084
00:53:00,400 --> 00:53:04,080
Speaker 1: what you need, is you just need hope that after

1085
00:53:04,120 --> 00:53:05,680
Speaker 1: the dark days, better days are coming.

1086
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:07,640
Speaker 2: Yes, that's really beautiful. Thank you.

1087
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:10,120
Speaker 3: I'm going to do your last few quick fire questions.

1088
00:53:10,360 --> 00:53:12,080
Speaker 3: What's your favorite affirmation right now?

1089
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:14,239
Speaker 1: I am ready to make my dreams come true.

1090
00:53:15,400 --> 00:53:18,480
Speaker 2: A book that changed your life from your own.

1091
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:21,600
Speaker 1: The Four Agreements?

1092
00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:25,480
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, great book. What's always in your handbag?

1093
00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:28,399
Speaker 1: My phone and a pair of eyelash Curtis Nice?

1094
00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:31,759
Speaker 2: A place to visit that's still on your bucket list?

1095
00:53:32,160 --> 00:53:33,719
Speaker 1: Turs and cacos, me too.

1096
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:37,759
Speaker 3: It saw someone there actually looks so gorgeous, beautiful, a

1097
00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:40,520
Speaker 3: quality that you're trying to embody or work on right now.

1098
00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:47,359
Speaker 1: Calm, just feeling more grounded and calm in my responses.

1099
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:50,080
Speaker 3: Nice an area in your life that you're trying to

1100
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:54,120
Speaker 3: grow and healing right now. Love, h and can you

1101
00:53:54,200 --> 00:53:57,680
Speaker 3: finish this sentence? Confidence is not being.

1102
00:53:57,560 --> 00:54:00,680
Speaker 1: The loudest in the room. Thank you so much, thank

1103
00:54:00,760 --> 00:54:03,080
Speaker 1: you so much, so wonderful, thank you.

1104
00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:05,920
Speaker 3: I'm so great the conversation and I really hope all

1105
00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:08,799
Speaker 3: of you got so much from it and it helps

1106
00:54:08,840 --> 00:54:12,080
Speaker 3: in your journey to becoming more confident than humans.

1107
00:54:12,480 --> 00:54:14,239
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Thank you, my love.

1108
00:54:14,320 --> 00:54:15,959
Speaker 2: That was so lovely, so great.

1109
00:54:16,040 --> 00:54:16,279
Speaker 3: Thank you,