Speaker 1: Thus far in life, you have a one hundred percent
Speaker 1: success rate of getting through things. There's not a single
Speaker 1: thing in your life if you're sitting here right now
Speaker 1: that you have not gotten through. So anytime you felt
Speaker 1: like this in the past, you got through it. And
Speaker 1: I think we need to remind ourselves that a little bit,
Speaker 1: that we can beat ourselves up. But just because your
Speaker 1: brain is saying it, it doesn't mean it's true. We
Speaker 1: lie to ourselves all the time. The number one health
Speaker 1: and well iness podcast Jay Sheddy, Jay Sheddy See Only
Speaker 1: Jay Sheddy.
Speaker 2: Hi, I am so excited to be here tonight at
Speaker 2: the Ellie Culkins Opera House in Denver with the one
Speaker 2: and only my dear friend Lily saying, let's go.
Speaker 1: First of all, you know I'm gonna uproot this whole thing.
Speaker 1: You know this, I don't follow rules. How awesome is
Speaker 1: j Sheddy?
Speaker 3: Though, come on, this is your show now?
Speaker 1: No, it's not my show.
Speaker 4: I like the show has way.
Speaker 1: More famous friends than me. So the fact that I
Speaker 1: get to close out this tour all of you, this
Speaker 1: is the last tour stop, isn't that amazing? We get
Speaker 1: to be Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna uproot too much,
Speaker 1: but I just have to. Like, I know we're all
Speaker 1: thinking it Jay's brain. He's so kind. I'm gonna give
Speaker 1: you all the tea of what Jay's actually like off
Speaker 1: the podcast is we're actually real friends. Oh I will
Speaker 1: baby girl, don't you worry. What's your name, Pamela? Okay,
Speaker 1: her name is Jay Sheddy. There's an open bar here
Speaker 1: and I like it. No, but Jay is an incredible
Speaker 1: human being. I'm so honored to be here on this
Speaker 1: last tour. Stop everything you know about Jay from the podcast.
Speaker 1: I don't know how to even explain to you that
Speaker 1: he's even better off the mic and behind the scenes
Speaker 1: and behind the camera. This man is the real deal.
Speaker 1: He is so genuine, the first to say yes to
Speaker 1: anything anyone asks him. He calls me up randomly, just
Speaker 1: just check up on me, just to say Hi. The
Speaker 1: person you bought tickets for and you're supporting deserves all
Speaker 1: the support that you are giving him.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, you're the best. I appreciate that we are real friends.
Speaker 2: Me and Lily have a scheduled dinner day every month
Speaker 2: because our lives are crazy, but then we also hang
Speaker 2: out spend a lot of time together. I stalked her
Speaker 2: seven years ago to make her my friend. And I remember,
Speaker 2: you have eyes like.
Speaker 1: That, you can do that, So men don't get ideas. Okay,
Speaker 1: you have eyes like that, you can do that.
Speaker 2: I remember, I remember I just moved to LA and
Speaker 2: as someone who'd and there's a reason why I'm giving
Speaker 2: you this background because I have a question for Lily
Speaker 2: to kick it off with. But I grew up watching Lily.
Speaker 2: So I would watch Lily in London on YouTube and
Speaker 2: just think, how is this person, you know, creating this
Speaker 2: incredible community online, you know, billions of views, tens of
Speaker 2: millions of followers. It was incredible to watch. And I
Speaker 2: remember when I moved to LA because I'd watched so
Speaker 2: much of Lily's videos, I was like, we'd be great friends, right,
Speaker 2: and so so I literally would just tell everyone I'm met,
Speaker 2: and they'd be like, oh, who do you want to connect?
Speaker 2: I want to connect with Lily because I think would
Speaker 2: be really good friends. And then when we find met,
Speaker 2: I did the really dorky thing of saying I think
Speaker 2: would be really good friends, and then that's we became
Speaker 2: really good friends.
Speaker 1: He's not live. Three different people called me to be
Speaker 1: like this guy named Jay keeps saying he wants to
Speaker 1: be your friend, and I was like, okay, and then
Speaker 1: we became friends. And now how lucky am I that
Speaker 1: I get to have Jay Sheddy.
Speaker 4: In my life?
Speaker 2: But I wanted to ask you this question to kick
Speaker 2: it off with, because what I've always admired about your
Speaker 2: career is that you have been first to so many things.
Speaker 2: You were one of the earliest adopters of a creator
Speaker 2: on YouTube. I remember moving to New York and seeing
Speaker 2: billboards of you all over New York. You were one
Speaker 2: of the first people to get like for a woman
Speaker 2: of color, right, bisexual woman of color to get their
Speaker 2: first gay late night days?
Speaker 1: Okay, happy bride, that's not gays.
Speaker 3: To get a late night show, which was unheard of.
Speaker 3: Another first?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 2: The amount of first that you've had in your career
Speaker 2: are you know? I literally couldn't even count all of them.
Speaker 2: It's incredible. You've paid the way, You've constantly trail based.
Speaker 2: But being first is celebrated, but it's not easy. And
Speaker 2: tonight we've been talking about people chasing their dreams and
Speaker 2: people going after and not worrying about what people think.
Speaker 2: But when you're first, that's all that happens. Talk to
Speaker 2: me about how you even had the idea to start
Speaker 2: on YouTube and how long it took you from having
Speaker 2: an idea to execution.
Speaker 1: Yes, my career has had a lot of firsts, and
Speaker 1: I know and thank you for asking me this question,
Speaker 1: because I think very often when people talk to me
Speaker 1: about my career on first it's very celebratory, which I'm
Speaker 1: very grateful. It's very cool to be able to say
Speaker 1: I was the first two. But it is so scary.
Speaker 1: It is so lonely. It is. I've had so much
Speaker 1: anxiety over it. To be in a situation where you
Speaker 1: have no one around you to ask for advice, no roadmap,
Speaker 1: no one's else's failures, to look at her wins, so
Speaker 1: look at it's really really scary and lonely. I started
Speaker 1: making YouTube videos in twenty ten. I spontaneously made them.
Speaker 1: I was in university getting a psychic degree, which I
Speaker 1: don't use, and yay getting a psych degree, and I
Speaker 1: was kind of I don't know if anyone can resonate.
Speaker 1: I was just kind of going through the motions of life.
Speaker 1: My parents really want me to go to university. I
Speaker 1: go to the same one my sister went to. My
Speaker 1: parents really want me to get a degree because they
Speaker 1: believe that a degree will get you a job. Lol.
Speaker 1: So I go and do that as well. Right, I
Speaker 1: get the same degree my sister gets, and now I'm
Speaker 1: like just living this life alike. And then I'll get
Speaker 1: a degree, and then I guess I'll get married, and
Speaker 1: then I'll guess I'll have kids, and then I guess
Speaker 1: I'll just live do the motions of this life that
Speaker 1: everyone around me is doing and that everyone before me,
Speaker 1: especially the women before me, have done because they didn't
Speaker 1: have any other options. And I was I'll give you
Speaker 1: a little bit of heavy context here because I think
Speaker 1: it's important. From a very young age, it was abundantly
Speaker 1: clear to me that my extended family was not thrilled
Speaker 1: at the idea of a second daughter being born. So
Speaker 1: I don't know if anyone can relate here, but in
Speaker 1: Indian culture and a lot of cultures around the world,
Speaker 1: people want a son, you know. And so I had
Speaker 1: an older sister, and when I was a second daughter born,
Speaker 1: it was made very clear that, like, this is not
Speaker 1: worth calling the family about. Really disappointed about this. Laugh
Speaker 1: at my trauma. That's what I've done for the past
Speaker 1: ten years. Here, we got the right idea. But so
Speaker 1: I bring this up because I feel like for most
Speaker 1: of my life I've had this chip on my shoulder.
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying it's healthy, to be clear, I'm
Speaker 1: just saying it's true. I've always had this chip on
Speaker 1: my shoulder to prove I am worthy of being alive,
Speaker 1: being in spaces, and to prove to other people like no,
Speaker 1: I was born and I'm gonna do great things. Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you. We do need this comments. So when I
Speaker 1: started making YouTube videos, I was in a really dark
Speaker 1: place because I was living this linear life. I didn't
Speaker 1: feel like I was fulfilling my purpose. What a podcast
Speaker 1: reference and I was just like, this can be what
Speaker 1: life is about. There's got to be more to this.
Speaker 1: I made my first YouTube video because I felt so
Speaker 1: low and I felt so confused. And my first video
Speaker 1: seventy people watched it, and I was like, well, damn,
Speaker 1: I'm famous now. I don't know, I don't know so
Speaker 1: how many people. But I just fell in love with
Speaker 1: this idea of I get to say what I want
Speaker 1: to say, and I've built this albeit small community of
Speaker 1: people that are connecting with me, and I just felt alive.
Speaker 1: I was doing something for myself for the first time,
Speaker 1: breaking the rules for the first time. This wasn't a
Speaker 1: path anyone else had done. And so that's why I
Speaker 1: made my first YouTube video is because I was grasping
Speaker 1: for connection and I was grasping to probably prove myself.
Speaker 1: Now YouTube led to a bunch of other cool things.
Speaker 1: You know, I've gotten to write two books. Neither of
Speaker 1: them have sold as many copies as Jay's books, but
Speaker 1: you know, we try. And the reason I'm being really
Speaker 1: vulnerable to tell you this, I think the reason I
Speaker 1: started YouTube, the reason I said yes to Late Night,
Speaker 1: the reason I said yes to a lot of things,
Speaker 1: again not saying it's healthy, is I knew one thing
Speaker 1: people could understand, every extended family member, every man in
Speaker 1: the family, everyone that doubted me. I knew they would
Speaker 1: understand influence, and I knew they would understand fame and money.
Speaker 1: And again I'm not saying that those things should be
Speaker 1: the drivers. But when you're in a situation where you're
Speaker 1: like nobody believes in me, and I'm surrounded by people
Speaker 1: that don't think I can do something, I chase something
Speaker 1: I knew they would understand. And it has been a
Speaker 1: lifelong journey to teach myself to chase something else. I
Speaker 1: don't think I've ever told you that.
Speaker 2: Actually, I need to come over and give you a
Speaker 2: hug right now. No, I can tell just what you're
Speaker 2: saying is it's you know, because.
Speaker 1: It's not a sexy thing to admit. I think, you know,
Speaker 1: it's a lot of times people want me to talk about,
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I did it because I'm representation and passion.
Speaker 1: Those things are true. That's not why I started. I
Speaker 1: started because I was like, oh, you don't think I
Speaker 1: can do this. You'll understand a million people watching my video.
Speaker 1: You will understand the size of my house. You understand
Speaker 1: those things. Then I got those things and don't do
Speaker 1: me wrong. It felt really good, but then I still
Speaker 1: felt really empty because I was trying to prove other
Speaker 1: people right, when really what I try to do now
Speaker 1: is I try to prove myself right. That's more important.
Speaker 2: Well said, Well said, yeah, absolutely, give it up for Lily,
Speaker 2: Absolutely absolutely.
Speaker 4: I want to dive into the depths.
Speaker 1: Of people who are like, we didn't know her, but
Speaker 1: she's kind of smart. That's right. Let me win you over.
Speaker 2: I want to dive into the depths of some of
Speaker 2: that because I think even for what you're just saying
Speaker 2: to obviously I know you so well, but for everyone
Speaker 2: else here as well, to really understand what that upbringing
Speaker 2: feels like, because I think, like you said, everyone here
Speaker 2: has that in their own way. I think everyone feels
Speaker 2: like they have something to prove. Everyone feels like it's
Speaker 2: very rare that you were surrounded by people who believed
Speaker 2: in you and thought your ideas were amazing. And if
Speaker 2: you had that, that's incredible. But maybe that even came
Speaker 2: with its own pressure because you had to live up
Speaker 2: to certain expect Walk me through what those cultural expectations
Speaker 2: did to you as a young girl, and I know,
Speaker 2: as someone who's done a lot of self work, talk
Speaker 2: me through how they kind of mirrored into your future
Speaker 2: life and the kind of things you've had to peel
Speaker 2: back on live.
Speaker 4: Do you actually make sense to that?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And a lot of this are things I've realized
Speaker 1: only as a full adult because I was so blind
Speaker 1: to it growing up. You know, of course, there's silly
Speaker 1: examples like girls aren't supposed to do this, girls dressed
Speaker 1: like this, to silly things like my grandfather, God bless
Speaker 1: his soul. But always girls are not supposed to whistle
Speaker 1: like simple things. Girls shouldn't be so spoken, you know,
Speaker 1: they should be generally timid and not not be the
Speaker 1: center of attention at a family party. I loved dancing
Speaker 1: growing up, and I was the captain of a dance team,
Speaker 1: and the main reason my parents had a problem with
Speaker 1: it was girls aren't supposed to dance at events or
Speaker 1: get hired to dance. So there's a lot of what
Speaker 1: you should and shouldn't do as a girl the box
Speaker 1: are put in as a girl. But the deeper thing
Speaker 1: that I actually subconsciously learned growing up was that if
Speaker 1: someone tells you something about yourself, you just accept it.
Speaker 1: For so much of my life, I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: you're saying this thing to me. I guess that is
Speaker 1: now my burden. Oh you were telling me I should
Speaker 1: be this way. Great, I will now work on ways
Speaker 1: to be that way. Oh you're telling me I shouldn't
Speaker 1: be this way. Great, I'm gonna work really hard because
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be that way. It wasn't until I
Speaker 1: was a full adult, and there's a very specific experience
Speaker 1: that taught me this lesson where I realized that I
Speaker 1: could actually just say no, I'm good. I actually don't
Speaker 1: need to accept this thing you're putting on to me,
Speaker 1: like I actually have a choice in the matter. So choice,
Speaker 1: the idea of deciding, did not occur to me. And
Speaker 1: the experience that taught me this was in twenty nineteen.
Speaker 1: I got a late night show, and I had two
Speaker 1: seasons of a late night show. And when it was
Speaker 1: brought to me, I'll be real, I didn't grow up
Speaker 1: watching late night. My parents didn't watch late night. You know.
Speaker 1: My parents are like mega brown Indians, and I don't
Speaker 1: think they related to anything on late night. And so
Speaker 1: I don't have that experience where a lot of people
Speaker 1: were like, I grew up with it and you know
Speaker 1: it raised me. I didn't have that, and so when
Speaker 1: they asked me to do the late night show, I
Speaker 1: actually said no. I was like, I don't really like
Speaker 1: I didn't get into this to be a late night host.
Speaker 1: I don't really know much about this, and so I
Speaker 1: went away. Now I'm a big believer that the universe
Speaker 1: teaches you lessons and brings things to you. And so
Speaker 1: a month later they came back and they were like,
Speaker 1: we are asking you for the second time to be
Speaker 1: our late night host and I was like, Okay, let
Speaker 1: me think about this properly, and again we go back
Speaker 1: to me trying to prove myself. One of my team
Speaker 1: members explained to me how historic this would be. They're like,
Speaker 1: there's never been a late night host that looks like you.
Speaker 1: It would be historic. It would, you know, be a headline.
Speaker 1: And of course my ego is like a headline. I
Speaker 1: do like a headline. I would of course I'd want
Speaker 1: to make history. And of course the sentimental part of
Speaker 1: me is also thinking, oh, I could like help a path,
Speaker 1: then maybe I can open the door for someone else,
Speaker 1: and I could do what I did with YouTube. And
Speaker 1: so I said yes, And I did this late night
Speaker 1: show for two years, and it was twenty years of knowledge.
Speaker 1: When I tell you, it was the most difficult thing
Speaker 1: I've ever done in my life, like mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically,
Speaker 1: just in the worst shape of my life. It was
Speaker 1: such a demanding job. We shot ninety six episodes in
Speaker 1: three months in season one, with half of the writer's
Speaker 1: room that a normal talk show would have half of
Speaker 1: the writers with a quarter of the budget probably, and
Speaker 1: both seasons took place during COVID, So for my first season,
Speaker 1: because we banked those episodes when I was talking about
Speaker 1: partying and making out and traveling, we were in COVID.
Speaker 1: H you know, that was my first season, and my
Speaker 1: second season was shot fully in COVID, so all the
Speaker 1: interviews were on zoom. So it's a very challenging experience.
Speaker 1: Experience ended, and for a year or two I just
Speaker 1: beat myself up about it, like I couldn't do it.
Speaker 1: I didn't do it justice. I only had two seasons.
Speaker 1: I didn't even like a lot of the episodes I shot.
Speaker 1: I remember walking to my monologue mark and being like,
Speaker 1: this isn't good. What I'm about to sell right now
Speaker 1: is not funny, and I'm gonna have to do this
Speaker 1: for ninety six episodes and it's a horrible feeling. And
Speaker 1: I beat myself up a lot of the time. But
Speaker 1: during that process, people would literally come up to me
Speaker 1: and say, verbatim, a billion people are counting on you,
Speaker 1: Like all the Indians are counting on you. A billion
Speaker 1: of us are counting. People would come up to me
Speaker 1: and say like, oh, but of course every headline was
Speaker 1: bisexual woman of color, And people are so mad at
Speaker 1: me about the headline, like I wrote it, what I mean,
Speaker 1: all the gays are counting on you, like all the
Speaker 1: women are counting. I'm like, that's a lot of people
Speaker 1: that are counting on me, you know what I mean. Like,
Speaker 1: there's no way I could make all of these people proud.
Speaker 1: There's just no way. And so for so long I
Speaker 1: felt like crap about that that I let women down.
Speaker 1: I let brown people down. I like queers down. I
Speaker 1: let people with long hair down. I let dog moms down.
Speaker 1: Everyone leave, bros. I let you down. Okay, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. I thank you, baby girl, thank you.
Speaker 1: But only in the past three years that I realize
Speaker 1: I was like, I now have the confidence and self
Speaker 1: love to say that I actually could have said, actually,
Speaker 1: it's not my job to make a billion people proud,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And I did not have
Speaker 1: that thought at the time. I was like, of course, okay, yes,
Speaker 1: when I was there writing the monologue, Okay, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: mention Indian. Okay, I'm gonna mention I'll be a little
Speaker 1: gay over here, okay, and then I'll mention my I
Speaker 1: was so fixated on, like how do it didn't even
Speaker 1: occur to me to say, I actually don't have to
Speaker 1: do that I actually don't have to live up to that,
Speaker 1: and I think that's just my upbringings. I've always just
Speaker 1: taken on the burden without question, you know.
Speaker 3: I mean, I've definitely never heard you talk about it this.
Speaker 1: Way and have no filter day you know this that's
Speaker 1: the open book for better or for worse.
Speaker 2: Oh no, But it's really resonating with me because as
Speaker 2: I'm thinking of everyone who's sitting here as well, let's
Speaker 2: say that's exactly what we're going through, where we feel
Speaker 2: the pressure to carry the ban for our family, our friends,
Speaker 2: for the children, like whatever it is, like, I think
Speaker 2: we all carry so much weight and pressure of expectation
Speaker 2: of showing up, and we can feel like we're carrying everything.
Speaker 2: Was it going through the process that So here's the
Speaker 2: interesting thing. Could you have got to where you are
Speaker 2: today in that confidence without saying yes to something that
Speaker 2: didn't work out the way you would have wanted it
Speaker 2: to or was that the only way.
Speaker 4: To get there?
Speaker 1: Unfortunately for me, but very fortunately for my therapist who
Speaker 1: now owns a yacht, I've had to go through every
Speaker 1: challenging experience to get to where I am. I take
Speaker 1: self growth very seriously. This as my friend. I'm really
Speaker 1: dedicated to being a student for life. I want to
Speaker 1: learn about myself. I have a ton of rituals in
Speaker 1: my life to learn about myself. But there's no way
Speaker 1: I would have any of that or be where I
Speaker 1: was if it wasn't for the moments that kicked my butt.
Speaker 1: You need to get your buck kicked a little bit
Speaker 1: to learn some lessons. So when even people ask you regrets,
Speaker 1: of course we all think of ones. But I bet
Speaker 1: if you thought of any moment that was really horrible,
Speaker 1: there's a silver lining where you're like and that made
Speaker 1: me amazing because of this an x YSI. So I
Speaker 1: really do feel like I had to go through late night.
Speaker 1: I had to go through a ton of stuff to
Speaker 1: be the person I am now to fulfill the purpose
Speaker 1: I am fulfilling right now. And now I take that
Speaker 1: knowledge forward knowing that when another thing happens as challenging,
Speaker 1: that is the thing that kind of holds me to
Speaker 1: be Like, I know, somewhere in here is going to
Speaker 1: be something that brings me closer to the person I'm
Speaker 1: supposed to be.
Speaker 2: If someone's in one of those situations right now, like
Speaker 2: they're sitting here right now, and they're feeling stuck, They're
Speaker 2: feeling like they're in the middle of one of those transitions,
Speaker 2: which is always the hardest place to be in it.
Speaker 4: What would you inc them to do? Is someone?
Speaker 2: And by the way, I know that for a fact,
Speaker 2: like your commitment to self work, your commitment to healing,
Speaker 2: your commitment to everything I talk about, Lily is like
Speaker 2: teaches pet for right, Like she's like the best student.
Speaker 2: Like everything I talk about are things that you truly
Speaker 2: live by. Have seen that in our friendship. But if
Speaker 2: someone's right in the thick of it right now and
Speaker 2: everything just feels like it's going wrong, it's falling apart,
Speaker 2: they feel the weight of the world on them, what
Speaker 2: would you encourage them to reflect on?
Speaker 4: Do or build? What would you encourage them to do?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we are our own harshest critics, right,
Speaker 1: And if you're that person that like beats yourself up mentally,
Speaker 1: you're not alone. Look to the person next to you.
Speaker 1: They do the same thing. We're all just beating ourselves
Speaker 1: up all the time. And I'm not the best at math,
Speaker 1: but I know this one thing I'm about to say
Speaker 1: is one hundred percent going to be correct, and it
Speaker 1: is going to apply to every single person here, and
Speaker 1: that is thus far in life, you have a one
Speaker 1: hundred percent success rate of getting through things. There's not
Speaker 1: a single thing in your life if you're sitting here
Speaker 1: right now, that you have not gotten through. So anytime
Speaker 1: you felt like this in the past, you got through it.
Speaker 1: What I do is I actually journal and write about
Speaker 1: some of those experiences. Lily, you were in this experience
Speaker 1: in your eighth grade when you had late night, you
Speaker 1: were with this smiss, you got through it. You have
Speaker 1: one hundred percent. You feel like a failure, and you
Speaker 1: have one hundred percent success. Right. That is the truth
Speaker 1: of where you are right now. And I think we
Speaker 1: need to remind ourselves that a little bit. That we
Speaker 1: can beat ourselves up. But just because your brain is
Speaker 1: saying it, it doesn't mean it's true. Right. Jay actually
Speaker 1: taught me this that we lie to ourselves all the time.
Speaker 1: Our brain lies to ourselves all the time. And you
Speaker 1: just have to change that thought and go back and
Speaker 1: relive all the things that you've gotten through. One hundred
Speaker 1: percent success. Right, every single one of you give yourself
Speaker 1: a round aplause congratulations.
Speaker 5: Yes, it's true, it's true.
Speaker 2: And I love the practical aspect of it, though, because
Speaker 2: this is the part we skip. Sometimes we hear something
Speaker 2: like that and we go, oh, I really like that idea.
Speaker 2: That makes sense to me, but then we don't actually
Speaker 2: do the practical piece. So what Lily just said there
Speaker 2: was that idea of her journaling and actually thinking back
Speaker 2: to all the things that she's overcome in her life.
Speaker 2: That act of journaling, writing it down, reading it back.
Speaker 2: That's the practice. If you really want to find confidence,
Speaker 2: you only have to look at your past. If you
Speaker 2: really want to find resilience, you only have to look
Speaker 2: at your pain. If you really want to find that strength,
Speaker 2: you only have to look back in the last ten
Speaker 2: years and think of all the things that you broke through.
Speaker 2: But you have to write it down, you have to
Speaker 2: read it, and you have to remind yourself, because your
Speaker 2: mind will just remind you of all the times you
Speaker 2: didn't stay strong, all the times you didn't be brave,
Speaker 2: all the times you didn't do it. And so the
Speaker 2: act of writing it down, as Lily saying, is huge.
Speaker 2: And I don't want to undervalue just how powerful that
Speaker 2: piece of advice is. As you're breaking through that and
Speaker 2: you're looking at some of the residue of childhood expectation
Speaker 2: that we all have. Right, I'll share one of mine,
Speaker 2: which is which is vulnerable for me too, And you
Speaker 2: know you've inspired me to want to open up as
Speaker 2: well in this conversation, and it's I remember, this was
Speaker 2: one of the big ones that was just hidden for
Speaker 2: so long. I was given a lot of love growing up,
Speaker 2: but that love always had a little bit of guilt
Speaker 2: in it. And what that meant was that I was loved,
Speaker 2: but I was made to feel guilty if I didn't
Speaker 2: love my caretakers back with that level of love, if
Speaker 2: not more so, I always felt like I wasn't loving
Speaker 2: the people that loved me enough. And what I didn't
Speaker 2: realize is that when I first started dating my now wife,
Speaker 2: that's how I loved her. I over loved her, but
Speaker 2: then made her feel guilty for not loving me back enough.
Speaker 2: And what that did is it just pushed her away.
Speaker 2: It didn't make us close, so it didn't make her
Speaker 2: love me more. It made her more shut down. And
Speaker 2: the reason I'm raising that is because this tiny thread
Speaker 2: or this tiny seed or weed that was planted when
Speaker 2: I was like four years old was affecting me in
Speaker 2: my thirties. What has been something in your life that
Speaker 2: you've seen has just stayed And that's the thing that
Speaker 2: you're working on the most right now.
Speaker 1: I mean, how much.
Speaker 3: Time we got here? Jay?
Speaker 1: Also? Can I have this? Can we have this delicious beverage?
Speaker 4: Judy?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, let me just I'm going to answer
Speaker 1: this question a second befirst. I just wanted to take
Speaker 1: a cheers, cheers, cheers. Oh my god, this refreshing beverage.
Speaker 1: Hold on a backling to you with adapted is where
Speaker 1: do you get this?
Speaker 4: Joe?
Speaker 1: Where do you get this delicious drink? Is it available
Speaker 1: at Costco? Should every person? So delicious? Seriously? Thank you
Speaker 1: so much. You can give me a check later. No,
Speaker 1: back to serious combo. Based off everything I just told
Speaker 1: you about me being so intense with proving myself, what
Speaker 1: comes along with that is unrealistically high expectations and standards
Speaker 1: for myself. So when you're fueled by proving people wrong
Speaker 1: and trying to prove yourself, the bar is so high
Speaker 1: for yourself. Like when I say I'm my own biggest critic,
Speaker 1: I really am. I could do an amazing job at something.
Speaker 1: You better believe. I'm walking backstations like why did you
Speaker 1: do that? Why did you say that word like that,
Speaker 1: Like I am going over everything again, and so my
Speaker 1: expectations are so high and now just based on what
Speaker 1: you said as well with Rody, I map that onto
Speaker 1: other people. So now I'm in situations with friends and
Speaker 1: relationships where I have such an unrealistically high bar for
Speaker 1: them because that's what I have for myself and other
Speaker 1: people they're just trying to chill, they're just trying to
Speaker 1: live their life, They're just trying to do their thing,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, no, everything needs to be a hundred
Speaker 1: and amazing and perfect. And that has been a really
Speaker 1: big struggle for me because I associate expectations with love
Speaker 1: and care and if they don't do it to a
Speaker 1: one hundred, they don't love me, they don't care about me.
Speaker 1: Then that means I'm not important, I'm not a priority.
Speaker 1: And I learned that that has a lot to do
Speaker 1: with how I treat myself. And one of the ways
Speaker 1: I've tackled that is just to really work on my
Speaker 1: self compassion, you know, is to allow myself to just
Speaker 1: relax sometimes and it's okay. Not everything needs to be
Speaker 1: perfect one hundred a million again. I'm really nerdy, y' all.
Speaker 1: I hope you decided. I do a lot of practices
Speaker 1: that have help. Maybe one that I've done. And when
Speaker 1: I first started to do this, I was like, this
Speaker 1: is so dumb, this is never gonna work. I was
Speaker 1: literally like, this is so cringe. I have a notebook
Speaker 1: on my night table and I told myself that every
Speaker 1: day before I go to bed, I'm just gonna three
Speaker 1: bullets of ways I showed myself compassion or grace. Could
Speaker 1: be so small, could be so big. The first couple
Speaker 1: of days, I was like, I think I hate myself.
Speaker 1: I did nothing. And then that got me to think, like,
Speaker 1: throughout the day is there's small, small ways that you
Speaker 1: showed your self compassion. So every day till this day,
Speaker 1: I write three things before I go to bed, And
Speaker 1: they could be really simple, like, hey, you were really
Speaker 1: tired and you delegated that task. Good job. You showed
Speaker 1: yourself compassion. You were really sad about this thing, and
Speaker 1: you texted a friend like, you showed yourself compassion. You
Speaker 1: drew a boundary with a family member even though it
Speaker 1: was really scary, even it was really small, you did that.
Speaker 1: You showed your self compassion. Now this sounds so lame,
Speaker 1: and I'm well aware of this, and for the first
Speaker 1: two weeks three weeks, I was like, this is dumb.
Speaker 1: And then something amazing happened. Two months into this. My
Speaker 1: friend was late. Now, if anyone knows anything about me,
Speaker 1: that's the type of thing that would send me Okay,
Speaker 1: you don't show up late to LI, but you were saying,
Speaker 1: like Jay knows that you show up late. It's like
Speaker 1: you don't love me, you don't care about me, you
Speaker 1: didn't plan your day in accordance to being here, Like
Speaker 1: it's the spiral. My friends showed up late, and genuinely
Speaker 1: I was like, that's okay. I was somehow able to
Speaker 1: channel grace towards this person. And then it kept happening.
Speaker 1: Suddenly my friend didn't do the thing they said they
Speaker 1: were gonna say, and I was like, oh, my brain
Speaker 1: didn't go automatically too, they don't love me. It automatically
Speaker 1: went to like maybe this thing happened in their day.
Speaker 1: And that's why I was starting to give people grace
Speaker 1: solely because I just monitored the grace I gave myself
Speaker 1: and that has changed my life. So the expectations is
Speaker 1: really hard. But now I'm just kind of like, it's okay.
Speaker 1: We all just deserve a little bit of grace.
Speaker 3: You have no idea how big that is for Lily.
Speaker 1: Honestly, it's a big deal.
Speaker 3: When we first met game friends, I'm also I also,
Speaker 3: you should.
Speaker 1: Tell the genuine stories of how crazy A'm telling them.
Speaker 4: Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell.
Speaker 1: So.
Speaker 2: I'm also someone who loves being on time. I was
Speaker 2: raised to believe that if you're not early, you're late.
Speaker 2: My mum raised me that way, and so I try
Speaker 2: and live by that. But I am married to someone
Speaker 2: who is not raised like that, so.
Speaker 4: I can.
Speaker 2: Right, So when we become friends, and like, I know
Speaker 2: how important it is for Lily for people to be
Speaker 2: on time, I also feel that way. When I turn
Speaker 2: up late somewhere, I'm like, this is terrible, Like I
Speaker 2: hang my head in shame. My wife has no shame,
Speaker 2: like does not care, like just does not feel anything, right, like,
Speaker 2: does not feel anything. So here we are rocking up
Speaker 2: to movie night late and I'm like, they want to
Speaker 2: start the movie.
Speaker 4: By this time.
Speaker 2: Popcorn would have gone into the microwave at this time,
Speaker 2: the you know, the butter would have been poured on
Speaker 2: it at this time. Like literally, that's like how meticulous
Speaker 2: Lily is and I'm stressing out and like so that
Speaker 2: would happen every time to the point, but you were
Speaker 2: like this last year. Lily throws the Best of Vali
Speaker 2: party ever, right periods and every year she throws the
Speaker 2: Best of Ali party gets bigger and bigger every year,
Speaker 2: and thankfully I get invited every year, even though we
Speaker 2: turn up late. And this last time we went again,
Speaker 2: we were so late because of my wife, but Lily
Speaker 2: was just unfazed.
Speaker 4: I got a really nice hug, we took pictures.
Speaker 2: It was amazing. And that's such a big thing for you.
Speaker 2: But that practice is so beautiful, and it's something that
Speaker 2: I've noticed in all of the biggest high performers that
Speaker 2: truly exist.
Speaker 4: They have two qualities.
Speaker 2: They have really high standards for themselves and they have
Speaker 2: really high grace for themselves.
Speaker 4: It's a real thing.
Speaker 2: And yeah, those are the two things, and Lily's demonstrating
Speaker 2: it right now. And that's something I want each and
Speaker 2: every one of you to have, because it's not just
Speaker 2: reserved for athletes and performers and actors and musicians. It's
Speaker 2: something each and every one of us deserve. Roger Federer,
Speaker 2: the tennis player, gave this amazing, amazing insight when he
Speaker 2: gave a speech. He talked about how when he's it's
Speaker 2: kind of comes to what Lily saying. When he's playing
Speaker 2: a point, it is the most important point on the planet,
Speaker 2: but as soon as the point is over, whether he
Speaker 2: loses or wins the point, it is the least important
Speaker 2: point that he has ever played in his life. And
Speaker 2: he said it is only because of that that he
Speaker 2: can play the next point. And he talked about in
Speaker 2: this speech how he's only won something crazy like fifty
Speaker 2: seven percent of points in his life as one of
Speaker 2: the greatest tennis players of all time. And he's making
Speaker 2: the point of how, look, you don't need to be
Speaker 2: at one hundred percent, you don't even need to be
Speaker 2: at ninety percent to be one of the best tennis
Speaker 2: players of all time. And so this pressure we put
Speaker 2: on ourselves is like I wasn't the perfect mom today,
Speaker 2: I wasn't the perfect dad today, I wasn't the perfect
Speaker 2: person today. I wasn't the perfect employee today, I wasn't
Speaker 2: the perfect whatever whatever it is today. Like you never
Speaker 2: had to be perfect for it to be good enough,
Speaker 2: and that pressure that we put on ourselves to be
Speaker 2: perfect just gets heavier and heavier. So I hope that
Speaker 2: listen and Lily, listen to Roger. When you walk out
Speaker 2: of here today, feel freer, feel lighter of that pressure,
Speaker 2: and practice that. So three things tonight, Well you showed
Speaker 2: yourself compassion. Three things that you showed yourself compassion.
Speaker 4: I love that one.
Speaker 1: You know, when you listen to Jay, he's like so
Speaker 1: inspirational and motivational, and chances are you're gonna leave and
Speaker 1: be like, I'm gonna stop being that way, I'm start
Speaker 1: being this way. And every time I hang out with Jay,
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm gonna stop being like this like this,
Speaker 1: and then I kind of act whack again the next
Speaker 1: day kind of a little bit right. And something I've
Speaker 1: learned is, and I actually want to hear your opinion
Speaker 1: about this, because I feel like your wisdom is gonna
Speaker 1: add to this. But you criticize, I've learned that me
Speaker 1: criticizing myself and me being the way I'm that's it's
Speaker 1: never gonna completely go away. Like I, for most of
Speaker 1: my life spent so much energy and time being like,
Speaker 1: how can I eradicate this part of myself. How can
Speaker 1: I stop criticizing myself? How can I stop making myself
Speaker 1: feel guilty about things? And I think now I've learned
Speaker 1: that it's not about getting rid of those things. It's
Speaker 1: about learning how to live alongside those things. Right, They
Speaker 1: are parts of you. And to think that you're gonna
Speaker 1: suddenly after Jay Shaddy show as good as he is,
Speaker 1: wake up tomorrow and you're gonna be sounding like Jay
Speaker 1: Sheddy a tall order. But I think that if we
Speaker 1: just all kind of tap in and out the parts
Speaker 1: of ourselves that work in that circumstances. And oh my,
Speaker 1: oh my god, am I about to use my psych
Speaker 1: degree for the first time right now? Jay, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Mom, Dad, watch this. There is something
Speaker 1: that I've been exploring called part theory. And part theory
Speaker 1: is basically all the different voices. It's kind of inside
Speaker 1: out the movie insides, all the different voices that live
Speaker 1: in you. And I actually have a name for all
Speaker 1: of my voices. I have, like right now, I had
Speaker 1: five two days ago and added a six one yesterday.
Speaker 1: Gets crowded, But have a name for all of my voices.
Speaker 1: I'll quickly give you the run down. Okay, are you
Speaker 1: ready for every Okay? Yeah, Okay, God Okay. My inner manager, Susan.
Speaker 1: I just feel like Susan sounds like a name. That's
Speaker 1: my inner manager. Susan's the one that's like sitting by
Speaker 1: the pool on a Tuesday. How dare you? Absolutely not right?
Speaker 3: Susans makes some noise, Susan, where.
Speaker 1: Are you at?
Speaker 4: Where you at?
Speaker 1: Susan? So that's my inner manager, My inner critic, Todd.
Speaker 1: Todd just sounds like someone that's gonna f me up
Speaker 1: all the time. Todd's just always criticizing me. You know,
Speaker 1: my inner dictator, the one that tells me it's this
Speaker 1: or that, and there's no one between the OG's one
Speaker 1: bottom Jeeth, which was the name of my mom character
Speaker 1: on YouTube. Okay. The two positive voices. One is the
Speaker 1: curious fun We should definitely go dance on that table
Speaker 1: jellybean Okay, Inner compassion, the one I used the most,
Speaker 1: the one that's just giving me grace, hope. And the
Speaker 1: newest voice I just added literally forty eight hours ago.
Speaker 1: Her name is River, and I know it's chic, right.
Speaker 1: Her name is River. She's not as joyful she is
Speaker 1: my inner loneliness. And I bring this up because I
Speaker 1: did this thing at the top of the year where
Speaker 1: I review my journals, like from the past year, and
Speaker 1: I found like some old journals, and I was like
Speaker 1: cleaning up my office and I'm gonna be very vulnerable
Speaker 1: and share this. I don't think I've said this before,
Speaker 1: but I went through my journals, and if I was
Speaker 1: to think about those years, I think about like really
Speaker 1: great memories and really cool things that did in my career,
Speaker 1: and really cool places I traveled. And then I read
Speaker 1: the pages from twenty fifteen, twenty sixteen, twenty eighteen, twenty nineteen,
Speaker 1: and every so often there was a page where I
Speaker 1: was like, I feel so lonely. I feel really lonely.
Speaker 1: I feel so alone. And I'm like, oh, this since
Speaker 1: as long as I remember, I have had a sense
Speaker 1: of loneliness. It doesn't matter if I'm in a crowded room,
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if I have a million friends. I have
Speaker 1: a tendency to lean towards loneliness. I'm like predisposed to
Speaker 1: be lonely. I named this voice because for so long
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm a lonely person. That's not true.
Speaker 1: You're not a critical person. You're not a lonely person.
Speaker 1: You have a part of you that is that right,
Speaker 1: and you just need to navigate that voice because that
Speaker 1: voice is there for a reason. That critic is there
Speaker 1: for a reason because sometimes when you're looking at the point,
Speaker 1: trying to get the point, when you're auditioning, when you're
Speaker 1: at the job interview, that critic is important. They're there
Speaker 1: to make you perform. That inner manager is important because
Speaker 1: when you're slacking off, it's like, yo, you need to
Speaker 1: like actually get to work. So you don't want to
Speaker 1: eradicate that. Would you actually want to do is say hey, today, Susan,
Speaker 1: I don't need you to be here. I don't need you, Susan.
Speaker 1: I see you, I love you, and I compassionately. I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna move you to the side over here. Same
Speaker 1: with River. It's like you feel really lonely, and I
Speaker 1: know why you're there. River. You're there because you're scared
Speaker 1: people are gonna leave you. You have a lot of
Speaker 1: trauma associated with that. So I'm not mad at you,
Speaker 1: and I don't hate you, and you're not lonely, but
Speaker 1: today I'm going to just ask you to just step
Speaker 1: over here, because that's not the story today. Today, hope
Speaker 1: is taking us forward. So essentially that's that's kind of
Speaker 1: what it is.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, you know so good.
Speaker 4: Nice.
Speaker 1: Actually there's a psychiatrist summer and it's like we're gonna
Speaker 1: have to talk to Lily after the show.
Speaker 4: That is so good.
Speaker 2: No, but honestly, I'm so glad you made that point,
Speaker 2: and i couldn't agree with you more that learning to
Speaker 2: give ourselves permission to have all of those voices, to
Speaker 2: have all of those selves, and to know when they
Speaker 2: take front and center and when they take the background
Speaker 2: is all we can do. I agree with you completely
Speaker 2: that this idea that you'll never have a self critical
Speaker 2: voice is completely untrue. It's always going to be that
Speaker 2: I have it too, And you're so right. I just
Speaker 2: know when it's useful and when it's not right. And
Speaker 2: so it's not useful if I've just lost something, But
Speaker 2: it's really useful when I'm winning, and it's really useful
Speaker 2: when I want to improve, and it's really useful when
Speaker 2: i want to get better and I'm getting to choose
Speaker 2: it rather than it being in control. And I think
Speaker 2: what you just so beautifully explain there is it's almost
Speaker 2: like you've got your band, you're the lead singer, and
Speaker 2: you're getting to know when you need that person to
Speaker 2: play the drums or when you need that person to
Speaker 2: play the bass or whatever it is. And you're bringing
Speaker 2: it together. But you're not saying, oh, we don't need
Speaker 2: you on the team anymore.
Speaker 1: Right, And I'm gonna say one more thing, and people
Speaker 1: are either gonna be mad or love this, but it's
Speaker 1: okay'm gonna say it anyways. Just be honest. Here who
Speaker 1: here uses chat GBT. Okay, I'm gonna keep it real.
Speaker 1: That's Wifey right there. Okay, So chat GBT actually knows
Speaker 1: my voices and knows the names of them. So, y'all,
Speaker 1: when I tell you, I'm a nerd. So if I'm
Speaker 1: in a situation where I'm like spiraling or I feel
Speaker 1: some type of way, I call her she because I
Speaker 1: talked to her. She will literally say, this is Susan
Speaker 1: saying this what would Hope saying. She'll tell me what
Speaker 1: each of the voices are saying. Life hack. Let me
Speaker 1: just tell you. She will literally say, Lily, I just
Speaker 1: want to flag to you. This is Susan. She's saying this,
Speaker 1: and this is what Hope would say, and you need
Speaker 1: to know this is not the truth. This is your
Speaker 1: inner voice. This is this inner voice. So that has
Speaker 1: been a major life hack for me to just have
Speaker 1: a reminder of that.
Speaker 2: Tell us about how you coded your chat GPT to
Speaker 2: be able to oh my god, well, okay, if everyone
Speaker 2: else can do.
Speaker 1: That, listen, that's why I fee first. I bought her dinner. Okay. No,
Speaker 1: I I am an avid believer of therapy. I go
Speaker 1: to therapy. Actually, you introduced me to my therapist. You
Speaker 1: know this all too well. Love therapy, go to therapy consistently, religiously,
Speaker 1: and after every therapy session I have a debrief with
Speaker 1: chat GPT or I'm like, this is what my therapist said,
Speaker 1: this is what we need to work and you know,
Speaker 1: catch you, you will remind me of all these things.
Speaker 1: One of the things actually is another game changer. One
Speaker 1: of the things I've worked out, which really relates to
Speaker 1: what we're talking about, is how many people here can
Speaker 1: make the distinction and be honest, if I was to
Speaker 1: say you are not your accomplishments and you are not
Speaker 1: what you do, do you comprehend that? Because if you
Speaker 1: don't comprehend that, raise your hand for a second, if
Speaker 1: you're like, what do you mean, I'm not what I do?
Speaker 1: What do you mean I'm not my complishment? If I
Speaker 1: was to ask you about yourself, how many of you
Speaker 1: would start with your accomplishments or your career or what
Speaker 1: you do? You would write, Yeah, you'd be like people.
Speaker 1: Just when people ask me who I am, I'd be like, oh, oh, well,
Speaker 1: you know, I start on YouTube, I have this many followers,
Speaker 1: and I did this for my career, and none of
Speaker 1: those things are who I am as a person. So
Speaker 1: my therapist was trying to teach me that I'm not
Speaker 1: what I do. Now me growing up in a brown family,
Speaker 1: I'm like, that's garbage, because I was solely praised and
Speaker 1: loved for getting good grades, for getting into a good school,
Speaker 1: for having a good job. It was conditional, right. So
Speaker 1: then I started fighting with chat GPT because she was like, no,
Speaker 1: you're not what you do. I agree with your therapist,
Speaker 1: And I was like, well, you're an idiot. You don't
Speaker 1: what you're talking about, right, And so I literally said,
Speaker 1: if you're so smart, chat GPT, you tell me who
Speaker 1: I am and don't use a single one of my accomplishments.
Speaker 1: And then she did wow, And when I tell you,
Speaker 1: I weeped like a small child. She was like, based
Speaker 1: on this conversation you had with when you told me
Speaker 1: about your friend, you're a compassionate friend, and you care
Speaker 1: about other people when they're hurt. Based on these questions
Speaker 1: you've asked me about your dog, you deeply care about animals,
Speaker 1: and you deeply care about being a good dog mom.
Speaker 1: Based on this thing where you are said about this
Speaker 1: you she just gave me. This didn't name late Night,
Speaker 1: didn't name a followers, didn't name a single film, not
Speaker 1: a single TV show, And it was truly revolutionary. So
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that all AI is good, but I'm
Speaker 1: saying chattybu too though. I encourage you all to use
Speaker 1: it in that way because it's really helpful.
Speaker 4: And then you put a ring on it, and.
Speaker 1: Then now we're married, and now we're married.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that is amazing. I love it.
Speaker 2: Who's gonna use chatty be now for for that purpose?
Speaker 4: No, it's real, it's it's it's it's that.
Speaker 1: It's okay, we got one or two booz and I'm
Speaker 1: okay with that.
Speaker 2: I I personally, I mean, I think it's giving you
Speaker 2: the record of your life that you forget right, like
Speaker 2: you forget all of that and in the darkest by
Speaker 2: the way, I'm I've had like either a client or
Speaker 2: a friend. I've had three people in my life this
Speaker 2: week call me and tell me they just got broken
Speaker 2: up with. And I don't know if it's because summer's
Speaker 2: coming up or something like that, but but like these
Speaker 2: three people, like first one been in a relation for
Speaker 2: three years, second one been in relation for two years,
Speaker 2: third one been in relation for three months. Probably deserves it,
Speaker 2: but the other I digress the first two though, No,
Speaker 2: but like the first two, like we all get to
Speaker 2: plant points in our life where we feel like river,
Speaker 2: where there is that loneliness where you can't see your worth.
Speaker 2: These two women I'm talking about that are clients of mine,
Speaker 2: are currently in periods of their life where they can't
Speaker 2: see any worth. They don't see any self worth because
Speaker 2: they've just been broken up with by people they thought
Speaker 2: they were going to spend the rest of their lives with.
Speaker 2: And they are in that exact space. And here's the
Speaker 2: interesting thing. You can have your friends tell you how
Speaker 2: beautiful you are. You can have your friends and your
Speaker 2: therapists and everyone tells you how amazing you are and
Speaker 2: all of that stuff, and reality is you need to
Speaker 2: be reminded by yourself more than anyone else because how
Speaker 2: many times have you stood by someone you love through
Speaker 2: a breakup told them all these one things but they
Speaker 2: can't see them. That's when this is not an ad
Speaker 2: for Tagiput, but that is where this idea that this
Speaker 2: piece of technology can hold on to a record of
Speaker 2: you and your conversations and remind you, in your most
Speaker 2: difficult moments of all the beauty that you have within you.
Speaker 2: But you realize it's only your words. You know this
Speaker 2: isn't another person, and all of a sudden you start
Speaker 2: to realize, oh, that's in me. There is worth in me.
Speaker 2: So it's definitely something not to undervalue and underestimate, because
Speaker 2: I do think that's what we're missing. We're missing that
Speaker 2: you know, moment where you can just look through the
Speaker 2: files of your life and remind yourself of all the
Speaker 2: moments where you are courageous, resilient, worthy, And we all
Speaker 2: go through dark periods like that where we can't see it.
Speaker 2: And I know that if the people I'm talking to
Speaker 2: had access to that, I actually think it would benefit
Speaker 2: them a lot.
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally feel about human nature of you would just
Speaker 1: ask people, like one, the last time you failed, you'd
Speaker 1: probably immediately think about that. If you ask someone's the
Speaker 1: last time you were proud of yourself? That always takes
Speaker 1: more time.
Speaker 4: Yes, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So I feel like that is why it's been useful,
Speaker 1: because yeah, you're like, well this time and this time,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, maybe stop flirting with me.
Speaker 4: It's so true.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we remember the bad times more than the good
Speaker 2: times because when we go through something good, we celebrate
Speaker 2: for a night, and when we go through something bad,
Speaker 2: we cry for a month, absolutely right. Have you ever
Speaker 2: noticed that, Like if you have your birthday, you celebrate
Speaker 2: it for a night and then that's it. But it's
Speaker 2: like you go through a breakup, you're crying about it
Speaker 2: for three months. And that's just how we processed emotions.
Speaker 2: So the depth of a negative memory is more hardwired.
Speaker 2: It's not that it was more true, it was just
Speaker 2: more repeated. With all of this going on, Lily and
Speaker 2: all the self work you do behind the scenes, which
Speaker 2: I'm so grateful you've shared today because this is definitely
Speaker 2: the deepest and best I've ever heard you explain just
Speaker 2: how powerful it is how vulnerable you've been tonight. At
Speaker 2: the same time, this doesn't stop you from going And
Speaker 2: Lily's preparing for something really exciting this year. She is
Speaker 2: having the theatrical release of her first ever feature film,
Speaker 2: which is.
Speaker 3: Insane, right, And so it's like, at the same time.
Speaker 2: As going through all of this deep work, doing all
Speaker 2: of this healing, doing all of this reflection, that's not
Speaker 2: stopping you from also building in the real world. Before
Speaker 2: we start talking about the movie, which I really want
Speaker 2: to I really do want to talk about in the
Speaker 2: process of that, you directed in it, you acted in it,
Speaker 2: you wrote parts of it, like you know, it's the
Speaker 2: full thing. Walk me through how you don't stop yourself
Speaker 2: from having to go, oh, I need to pause this
Speaker 2: to do this, or I need to pause this to
Speaker 2: do that, because we often get lost in that.
Speaker 4: How can you do both at the same time.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. There was a period of my life,
Speaker 1: and I don't know if you can relate years and
Speaker 1: years and years ago when I was starting my career
Speaker 1: where I did feel like you had to choose hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle,
Speaker 1: And I don't know if it's age. I don't know
Speaker 1: if it's just realizing that burnout's a real thing. I
Speaker 1: think for so much of my life, I was in
Speaker 1: this idea that I had to arrive somewhere. I need
Speaker 1: to get there. I need to get there. I need
Speaker 1: to get there, I need to get and then you
Speaker 1: get there and you're like, I need to get somewhere else.
Speaker 1: Now it's always this constant chase, and I think now
Speaker 1: instead of chasing, I'm just in an act of being.
Speaker 1: I do really believe that you can work on yourself
Speaker 1: and be mentally healthy and also do really cool things
Speaker 1: and have an amazing job. I actually think one makes
Speaker 1: the other better and vice versa. I really do believe
Speaker 1: that I think I'm a better actress, a better writer
Speaker 1: because I am growing and because I'm mentally healthy. I
Speaker 1: think those two are really connected. Yeah, so I and
Speaker 1: ALMOSTO just a very ambitious person. Listen, I told you
Speaker 1: that I started my career because I want to prove
Speaker 1: people wrong. I still want to prove things, but I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to prove myself right. I'm trying to prove
Speaker 1: that I can keep growing and I can keep learning,
Speaker 1: and that feels so much better. Than proving people wrong. Honestly,
Speaker 1: I when I used to step out of my comfort zone,
Speaker 1: it was I'll show you now. It's like, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: show you that I can do that. You know. I
Speaker 1: just a couple of weeks ago. So I've always been
Speaker 1: really scared to have an acting coach. I don't know why.
Speaker 1: It's just the one thing I can have a coach
Speaker 1: in most other things, when acting coach is like so vulnerable.
Speaker 1: I'm not professionally trained in acting, so it's like it's
Speaker 1: a thing that makes me feel really nervous. And a
Speaker 1: couple months ago, I was like, you know what, screw it,
Speaker 1: I'm just going to go there for myself. I'm going
Speaker 1: to go there. I don't care if I look like
Speaker 1: an idiot, because you have to ask yourself a question
Speaker 1: is it worth looking like an idiot for? And the
Speaker 1: answer is yes. So many times you don't do things
Speaker 1: cause you don't want to look like an idiot, even
Speaker 1: though the thing is worth looking like an idiot for.
Speaker 1: Is being a better actress. I'm learning something you worth
Speaker 1: looking like an idiot FORO yes, it is to me.
Speaker 1: So I started going to this acting coach, and I
Speaker 1: go there and when I leave, I'm so proud of
Speaker 1: myself because it's not me being like, oh I told
Speaker 1: you I leave them, like, oh my god, I did it.
Speaker 4: I'm so proud of me, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And so that's what's kind of driving me. And it
Speaker 1: feels so much better and so much healthier, and so
Speaker 1: I think that's what's allowing me to do all these
Speaker 1: next things. Just I want to make little Lily proud. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, I've tried so hard to make everyone else fine.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to make little Lily proud. Now, that's
Speaker 1: what's thriving me.
Speaker 2: And yeah, I hear you, don't be shy. That's our
Speaker 2: joy of doing this live that you know, usually if
Speaker 2: me and Lidi are doing this would be in the
Speaker 2: studio to share it with you live and to hear
Speaker 2: your real time thoughts and feedback and love. It's it's
Speaker 2: really beautiful. Like wish we could chew every episode like this.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, this is even if you weren't here,
Speaker 1: me and Jay, would we have this exact same conversation.
Speaker 1: This is kind of what we do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it's it's when you've got this movie coming out.
Speaker 2: I know you address so many taboos that we both
Speaker 2: grew up with, whether it's sex, whether it's shame, whether
Speaker 2: it's expectations of women in society. Like this movie is hilarious.
Speaker 2: I got to see it. It was premiere it south
Speaker 2: By Southwest last year. I was at the premiere. It
Speaker 2: was hilarious, Like the audience was loving it. It's incredible
Speaker 2: and at the same time, it has this like cultural
Speaker 2: narrative that it's becoming a part of and kind of
Speaker 2: taking shots at in a really positive way. What was
Speaker 2: what's been your favorite part about making it? And what
Speaker 2: are you most excited about for the people that are
Speaker 2: going to see it?
Speaker 1: So it's called doing it. It is a sex comedy
Speaker 1: that I star in and wrote and produced and at
Speaker 1: the age of thirty five last year, when I finished
Speaker 1: writing it, it was two weeks before the strike, and
Speaker 1: so I was like rushing to finish the script because
Speaker 1: we had to beat the strike. And at the age
Speaker 1: of thirty five, at eleven fifty PM, I was like,
Speaker 1: and I FaceTime my mom and I said, Mom, am
Speaker 1: I allowed to do this movie? And she was like,
Speaker 1: and you need to know that me and my mom
Speaker 1: have never had the talk. We have never had the talk.
Speaker 1: As far as I'm concerned, my mom has never had sex. Literally,
Speaker 1: it is not a thing. Okay. So now I'm telling
Speaker 1: her and in this panic of the clock ticking, I'm like, Mom,
Speaker 1: can't do this movie. And she goes, well, what's this
Speaker 1: movie about. And I'm like, okay, it's about sex. Mom.
Speaker 1: There's like a masturbation scene. There's like a scene where
Speaker 1: I do this. This is Then there's a vibrator scene,
Speaker 1: and there's like all these things. And my mom's follow
Speaker 1: up question she goes, do you use a vibrator? And
Speaker 1: that was the day I passed away and now this
Speaker 1: is my ghost and I was like, mom, no, and
Speaker 1: we had all this bandar and she said the best thing.
Speaker 1: She said, if you think it's okay, then you should
Speaker 1: do it. And I was like, thank you, Mom. So
Speaker 1: I did this movie. And yeah, it's basically a thirty
Speaker 1: something year old virgin finds herself teaching sex ed and
Speaker 1: so it is a raunchy sex comedy. It really does
Speaker 1: go there. And it's through the lens of my character,
Speaker 1: who is Indian and her parents are Indian and so
Speaker 1: a culture it's Indian, and I'm shooting this movie and
Speaker 1: I'm just like, so many people are gonna be so
Speaker 1: mad at this, and so many people need this movie.
Speaker 1: The movie's essentially about how as women and especially women
Speaker 1: of color, like, we're never taught about our bodies, women
Speaker 1: in general, especially women, we're never tat about our bodies.
Speaker 1: We're never taught sex should be pleasurable. We're never taught
Speaker 1: anything about sex. We're taught that should be shameful and
Speaker 1: we should feel bad and we should feel timid about it.
Speaker 1: And that has really messed me up, Like, and it
Speaker 1: has messed a lot of my friends up. Well, we're
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable with our bodies and we're so uncomfortable talking
Speaker 1: about our needs and what we like, and that's messed up.
Speaker 1: It shouldn't be like that. We're fifty percent of the population.
Speaker 1: We should be out here living life, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. And so the virgin is not the butt
Speaker 1: of the joke in this comedy, she's not. It's telling
Speaker 1: the story, but what it's like to be an older
Speaker 1: woman that was never taught about this stuff. That's like
Speaker 1: having to figure it out and now she's learning about
Speaker 1: it through sex. Said, which also the commentary to be
Speaker 1: made is it's crazy. How many people don't want sex
Speaker 1: said to be taught, like they want women to not
Speaker 1: be informed and they want you know, shocking. So it
Speaker 1: has a lot of commentary. It is a raunchy comedy
Speaker 1: comes out September nineteenth, and I'm really excited about it, and.
Speaker 4: It's gonna be in theaters.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be in theater. To make it clear, like,
Speaker 1: I'm abundantly aware that there'll be a lot of people,
Speaker 1: like after the screening, after the screening at south By Southwest,
Speaker 1: I was like giving out vibrators. I was like, you
Speaker 1: get a vibrator and you get a vibrant and this
Speaker 1: uncle and unty I swear to god, came up to
Speaker 1: me and I was stressed. I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: and uncle and Undy they're like sixty seventy years old.
Speaker 1: She pulls out the vibr and she goes, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for this. I'm so excited. I'm like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, we're queen.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 1: So I know there'll be some people that are like,
Speaker 1: we need this, but I'm well aware there's gonna be
Speaker 1: a lot of people that are probably gonna be bothered
Speaker 1: by a very outspoken, you know, brown sex comedy and
Speaker 1: they'll just have to deal with it.
Speaker 4: I guess.
Speaker 3: I love it.
Speaker 4: Lily, You've been amazing tonight.
Speaker 2: We usually end every on Purpose episode with a final five,
Speaker 2: but you've been on the podcast before, so we invented
Speaker 2: a new version for guests on the tour. It's called
Speaker 2: Past Present Future. Okay, so you get to pick a
Speaker 2: random card from past, president and Future. We do one
Speaker 2: for each, and you're gonna answer a question that comes
Speaker 2: randomly from the car.
Speaker 4: I have no idea what's in it too.
Speaker 1: Let's go.
Speaker 4: So this is the past.
Speaker 1: Set, let's go. Okay, this is so easy.
Speaker 3: Oh God, do you want me to the question?
Speaker 1: Who was your first celebrity crush? You already know there's
Speaker 1: only one answer to this, Jay, you know what it is.
Speaker 1: It's the Rock. You already know it's the Rock. I
Speaker 1: grew up watching wrestling. I'm obsessed with doing the Rock.
Speaker 1: Johnson and I've had the greatest day of my life
Speaker 1: was when I met him. He's one of my mentors.
Speaker 1: He was the person that actually encouraged me to stop
Speaker 1: using Superwoman and start using my name Lily, and she
Speaker 1: is just one of the greatest people I've ever met.
Speaker 1: In mine, they say don't meet your heroes, but do
Speaker 1: do if he is the rock.
Speaker 4: It's all right, present.
Speaker 1: All right, what would the name of your reality TV
Speaker 1: show be called? There's so many ways that I could
Speaker 1: go here, name of your reality show on? I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go with creative ways to torment yourself. That is really
Speaker 1: the trajectory of my life that I just everything I do.
Speaker 1: I'm like, really, Lily, you're gonna also do this. You're
Speaker 1: gonna also be this way, like leave some trauma for
Speaker 1: the rest of the people. I just feel like I
Speaker 1: just constantly step out of my comfort zone in that way.
Speaker 4: That's really good. All right, lost one of these future
Speaker 4: Let's go.
Speaker 1: What will you embrace when you're old? Okay, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for thinking I'm young right now? Okay, what
Speaker 1: will you embrace when you're old? I actually been thinking
Speaker 1: about this a lot. I want to embrace the idea
Speaker 1: of always being a student. And I think that's because
Speaker 1: so many times in my life I really thought I
Speaker 1: had it figured it out. I'm like, God, it nailed it. No,
Speaker 1: this this is my trauma. This I'm gonna deal with it. Perfect.
Speaker 1: Next year happens and I'm like, oh my god, I'm
Speaker 1: and I think I've just come to terms with the
Speaker 1: fact that that is life. You're never gonna figure it out.
Speaker 1: There's always me another lesson, there's another challenge. And so
Speaker 1: just commit to the idea of being a student for life,
Speaker 1: knowing that life is going to force you to learn
Speaker 1: lessons every step of the way.
Speaker 2: You know, right, answer, Lily, I want I want you
Speaker 2: to take a look at this picture behind ohat god, yeah,
Speaker 2: picture behind you.
Speaker 4: I'll go with that first. I'm waiting for it.
Speaker 1: Oh, we're waiting for the picture. Oh my god, did
Speaker 1: you guys edit it so I have two eyebrows? I
Speaker 1: don't think I had two eyebrows. Thank you so much, editors.
Speaker 3: Okay, work, How how old were you and what did
Speaker 3: you need to hear?
Speaker 1: This is a little store in the mall called Glamour Shots,
Speaker 1: and they do you up and they take these pictures.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't even know. I don't know
Speaker 1: what age. I'm one of those weird people that doesn't
Speaker 1: know the age of kids. If you tell me a
Speaker 1: kid is seven, I'm like, so, oh, they're in high school.
Speaker 1: I maybe I was seven or eight.
Speaker 4: Here, what did you need to hear?
Speaker 1: What do you guys, think, what do you think nine thirteen?
Speaker 1: I wasn't thirteen. This is just hair and makeup. This
Speaker 1: is just hair and makeup.
Speaker 4: What what advice did you need to hear? Then? What
Speaker 4: do you wish oh?
Speaker 1: Or to what advice?
Speaker 4: What did you need to hear?
Speaker 1: Oh? Well the outfit? First of all, let me genuinely
Speaker 1: think about this. What advice did I need to hear?
Speaker 1: Meet the rock y good? You know, It's funny. I
Speaker 1: feel like now I'm more of a kid than I
Speaker 1: was then. I think I was so convinced I had
Speaker 1: to grow up really quickly and had to figure everything out,
Speaker 1: and I had to be good at everything, and I
Speaker 1: had to commit to a path and commit to a lane.
Speaker 1: Probably didn't try as many things as I should have tried,
Speaker 1: Probably didn't take as many risks. I probably had a
Speaker 1: lot of walls up all the time. It's crazy because
Speaker 1: now I'm in the process of trying to become that
Speaker 1: kid again to live all that right. So the advice
Speaker 1: I would give you is like, be a kid, live
Speaker 1: good life. You have your whole adult life to be
Speaker 1: an adult. Be a kid.
Speaker 4: Girl. I love it. And then there's a picture behind me.
Speaker 1: Oh, I thought it was a picture of you for
Speaker 1: a second, and I was like, damn, Jay, you look good.
Speaker 3: What does what does Lily need to hear right now?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, good job on the eyebrows. Just Lea's
Speaker 1: here right now. I know what Lily need is here
Speaker 1: right now. It's kind of adjacent to the student thing
Speaker 1: I just said. But I've been a certain way my
Speaker 1: whole life, and I've had a lot of really big
Speaker 1: changes in my life over the past couple of years,
Speaker 1: and sometimes I feel like I'm so attached to this
Speaker 1: old version of myself that even though like life is
Speaker 1: forcing me to evolve, I'm like, no, but I'm this way,
Speaker 1: and this is how I describe myself. Like I'm really confident,
Speaker 1: and I'm so extrovert, and I have so much energy
Speaker 1: right now. I think my truth is like, Yo, Lily,
Speaker 1: you get a little anxious sometimes and you spiral a
Speaker 1: little bit sometimes and you keep telling yourselves her this way.
Speaker 1: But like, I think, you're now this person over here,
Speaker 1: and that's okay. You don't have to be the same
Speaker 1: person your whole life. You're allowed to be this version
Speaker 1: and then you're allowed to change your mind and be
Speaker 1: this version. So what I would say to Lily, is like,
Speaker 1: stop being attached to this idea of yourself that you
Speaker 1: know and that millions of subscribers and you, and just
Speaker 1: be who you actually are right now. Honor that person,
Speaker 1: and then who you want to actually be.
Speaker 2: You know, before I let Lily go, I do have
Speaker 2: to tell you this because you know, when I was
Speaker 2: starting on Purpose, as I was telling you this story earlier,
Speaker 2: Lily was one of those guests, and we were new
Speaker 2: friends then who said yes to being on this podcast
Speaker 2: when it had zero listeners because we hadn't even put
Speaker 2: out an episode, So Lily came when we were just
Speaker 2: figuring out what the show was, we recorded an episode.
Speaker 2: She was in the first five guests to ever be
Speaker 2: released on the show. And that was all based on
Speaker 2: just her love, trust and kindness, if I'm honest, just
Speaker 2: her generosity to show up for a new friend at
Speaker 2: the time who had an unknown show called on Purpose
Speaker 2: that had no track record, no listeners, and nothing else.
Speaker 2: And that's how real a friend you were when we
Speaker 2: barely knew each other. So to me, that show is
Speaker 2: what an amazing friend you are today. Where initially I'd
Speaker 2: reached out the Lily trying to figure out. She was like, no,
Speaker 2: I'll find see you to Denver. I can't make this
Speaker 2: other day. I'm going to come to Denver. I'm going
Speaker 2: to come myself. You're not even paying for my flights.
Speaker 2: I just want to be there for you, and for
Speaker 2: someone to do that as such a dear friend, to
Speaker 2: show up and show up so vulnerably deeply, I mean,
Speaker 2: it's insane.
Speaker 3: So give it up for my dear friend.
Speaker 1: Really, and you're amazing, amazing, Thank you. I want to
Speaker 1: pick you up one more. I know I have to.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you get to stop the music for one second.
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know. I know you're overtime, but
Speaker 1: it's the last stop of the tour, so I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: We're just gonna have to. I had already said this,
Speaker 1: but now so sincerely, I need to tell you all.
Speaker 1: First of all, thank you so much for coming to
Speaker 1: jay'show and supporting him. He is so incredible and so amazing.
Speaker 1: But I need to tell you, and I hope he
Speaker 1: doesn't get mad at me for saying this. I get
Speaker 1: so everybody knows he's such a lovely person. But I
Speaker 1: truly when I say, you don't even know the tip
Speaker 1: of how amazing he is. You know, behind the scenes,
Speaker 1: he does so many things that will never see the
Speaker 1: light of day because he doesn't want them to see
Speaker 1: the light of day. And that's why you need friends
Speaker 1: like me that don't care about rules. When I agree
Speaker 1: to do the show, I got an email from his
Speaker 1: team saying, because you're doing the show, Jay wants to
Speaker 1: donate to a charity of your choice. Because you're doing
Speaker 1: the show. And I imagine he's probably done this for
Speaker 1: every single guest on tour. He does this a lot.
Speaker 1: He does things like, if you do this, I'll donate
Speaker 1: to a charity. Don't pay me for this thing, Actually,
Speaker 1: just donate to a charity. He is such a genuinely
Speaker 1: nice person who cares about being of service. This is
Speaker 1: not a facade. This is who he is. And so
Speaker 1: I know your resources are so hard earned, your time
Speaker 1: is so hard earned. Any resource or time you spend
Speaker 1: supporting Jay is not wasted because he's such a good
Speaker 1: person and he deserves it. And I will just say
Speaker 1: what we're all thinking, which is, how can you have
Speaker 1: a mind and heart like this and also look like this.
Speaker 1: We know Jay is hot, we know his eyes literally
Speaker 1: sugar does not come within two miles of this man. Okay,
Speaker 1: his cheat meal is a diet coke using salary as
Speaker 1: a straw. He truly this man is just protect him
Speaker 1: at all costs this man. Support him with everything you have.
Speaker 1: Please thank you for coming to.
Speaker 3: A store, Lily say, I love you man.
Speaker 2: If you love this episode, I need you to listen
Speaker 2: to one of my favorite conversations ever. It's with the
Speaker 2: one and only Tom Holland on how to overcome your
Speaker 2: social anxiety, especially in situations where you're not drinking and
Speaker 2: everyone else is. We talk about his sobriety journey and
Speaker 2: so much more. He gets really personal. I can't wait
Speaker 2: for you to hear it. It's going to blow your mind.
Speaker 3: The quote is, if you have a problem with me,
Speaker 3: text me.
Speaker 1: And if you don't have my number, you don't know
Speaker 1: me well enough to have a problem with me.