WEBVTT - Top 10 BobbyCast Episodes of the Year (Part 2) 0:00:02.800 --> 0:00:07.800 Ladies and gentlemen. We are experiencing technical difficulties. 0:00:08.840 --> 0:00:10.920 This is the Bobby Cast. 0:00:15.080 --> 0:00:17.440 Welcome back to the ten Best Bobby Cast of twenty 0:00:17.480 --> 0:00:20.400 twenty four. We're doing the top five this week. If 0:00:20.440 --> 0:00:22.680 you missed the first part, I counted ten to six. 0:00:22.760 --> 0:00:25.000 One of them was stone Cold Steve Boston. Go back 0:00:25.000 --> 0:00:27.000 and listen to that. Let's kick it off with number 0:00:27.040 --> 0:00:31.319 five now, it's Co Wetzel from episode four forty eight. 0:00:31.440 --> 0:00:33.280 I was not sure how much we'd have in common, 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:35.559 because you know, we like to drink and get in 0:00:35.560 --> 0:00:37.959 fights and I don't like either one of those things. 0:00:38.200 --> 0:00:40.440 But we did. We hit it off. Really liked the guy, 0:00:40.560 --> 0:00:40.879 cool guy. 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:43.720 I've seen him out now in real life and this 0:00:43.800 --> 0:00:46.519 is a number five unexpected for me. Here's Co Wetzel 0:00:46.840 --> 0:00:48.400 from the Best Bobby Cast of the year. 0:00:50.040 --> 0:00:54.320 Do you feel that your lyrics are so raw and real? 0:00:55.360 --> 0:00:58.080 And I'm gonna talk out this question after I say 0:00:58.080 --> 0:00:59.720 it to you that sometimes you don't even relate to 0:00:59.720 --> 0:01:02.200 it more because in a different part of your life, 0:01:03.120 --> 0:01:04.600 your raw and real lyrics were. 0:01:04.440 --> 0:01:05.039 True to you then. 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:07.760 But you've gotten older a bit, You've learned things where 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:09.360 you can listen back to be like, man, that's so 0:01:09.520 --> 0:01:11.000 raw and real, but I don't even relate to that anymore. 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:13.600 Yeah, well it's kind of like the February twenty eighth 0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:17.880 and stuff, and that's became just blown out of proportion, 0:01:18.000 --> 0:01:20.000 you know, stuff like that. But I mean, I wrote 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:22.600 that song whenever I was twenty two, twenty three years old, 0:01:23.200 --> 0:01:25.360 and now that I'm thirty one, looking back at it, 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:27.160 it's like every night it's like, damn, we gonna sing 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:30.240 this song again. But people come to the show for 0:01:30.360 --> 0:01:31.600 that song, you know, a lot of people come just 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:35.000 to hear that song. So, but songs like that, you know, 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:37.839 it's Yeah, I've grown up a little bit, and I've 0:01:38.480 --> 0:01:41.120 gotten a little bit wiser, i'd say, And the songs 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:45.080 that I wrote in college and how I was living 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:47.440 my life back then are completely different than how I'm 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:48.520 living my life now. 0:01:49.000 --> 0:01:52.040 So yeah, absolutely, like it's i don't know. 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:54.080 Still raw and real and true to who that was. 0:01:54.120 --> 0:01:56.760 Absolutely got to be a little weirdo to sing stuff 0:01:56.760 --> 0:01:58.800 that you don't feel absolutely anymore. 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:01.880 It is you your new record, though? What is it? 0:02:01.920 --> 0:02:02.080 When? 0:02:02.280 --> 0:02:04.520 Tell me about that? So, what's what's that? And how 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:05.120 has that changed? 0:02:05.160 --> 0:02:09.680 It's getting into more relationship like more raw and rail 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:14.360 about relationships and and uh just life as you know, 0:02:14.919 --> 0:02:18.000 pretty much from what I just said, from growing up 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:20.639 and in the scene and doing that kind of stuff 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.880 and and uh making that type of music to now 0:02:23.960 --> 0:02:26.120 what I'm making, you know, and how my life has 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:26.960 changed from that. 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:30.639 Any of these songs where they borderline, I don't know 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:31.480 if I want to share that much. 0:02:31.520 --> 0:02:33.040 I don't know if I want to. I don't know 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:34.359 if I feel like saying it right now. 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:36.480 Is there any of that where it's not you listen, 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:38.320 You're gonna say it if you feel it, but maybe 0:02:38.320 --> 0:02:40.120 you're like, maybe the time isn't right now. 0:02:40.320 --> 0:02:42.680 Yeah, we held back on all a little bit of it. 0:02:44.200 --> 0:02:46.280 There was a couple of lines and songs that we 0:02:46.320 --> 0:02:48.840 had wrote and it was like, we really want to 0:02:48.880 --> 0:02:50.840 go there, and then we would record them, and then 0:02:50.840 --> 0:02:53.000 we would come back to them like let's do them 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:55.400 for a couple of days, like maybe not, Let's let's 0:02:55.400 --> 0:02:57.799 hold off on it and just see how everybody takes 0:02:57.880 --> 0:02:59.680 this kind of newer sound that we're putting out. 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:02.160 And I think that makes you know, less raw and real. 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:03.600 But if there are other things that are so important 0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:05.160 to the record and that could distract from the things 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:08.040 that you feel are the most important. Absolutely understand going 0:03:08.639 --> 0:03:11.240 maybe it's a time to, you know, admit I love 0:03:11.240 --> 0:03:13.720 the Pound puppies and have a fetish, you know, because 0:03:13.760 --> 0:03:16.000 that would be what people would attach to and not 0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:18.200 the message of the real message of a lot of 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:20.440 the body of work. And that's even pretty mature to 0:03:20.440 --> 0:03:22.160 say that as an answer a question, because a lot 0:03:22.160 --> 0:03:23.760 of people go like, oh man, we give it to 0:03:23.760 --> 0:03:25.560 you straight, but you did give it straight. 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:27.720 But there's sometimes that you want the straight, but now 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:28.920 you're weird Jesus. 0:03:28.960 --> 0:03:34.400 Yeah, wow, what's the what's the weirdest thing about having money? 0:03:35.240 --> 0:03:35.640 Oh? 0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:38.640 Man, I don't know. 0:03:38.760 --> 0:03:44.160 Amazon, probably just get whatever you want quick. Yeah, pretty much. 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:46.839 I don't know. I don't know people will. I think 0:03:46.880 --> 0:03:49.840 people were, I don't know. 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:53.040 It's weird. That's a that's a good question as that before. 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:56.200 I paid my phone bill last last week, so I mean, 0:03:56.240 --> 0:03:58.240 I don't have a ship ton of money, so I 0:03:58.280 --> 0:03:59.240 still got enough to live on. 0:03:59.320 --> 0:03:59.400 Now. 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:02.120 I'm not going to play that game because I'm not 0:04:02.160 --> 0:04:06.720 saying you're Bill Gates, but yeah, no, success now feels 0:04:06.720 --> 0:04:07.120 to me. 0:04:08.600 --> 0:04:10.640 It's at a level that you haven't had yet. 0:04:10.680 --> 0:04:13.560 Your experience, and I went, I was a trailer park kid, right. 0:04:13.560 --> 0:04:16.120 So when I started to make money is what I 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:18.760 didn't have anybody I could talk to about money. And 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:21.080 then once I started making a lot of money, I 0:04:21.080 --> 0:04:22.720 didn't have any talk to about money on this level. 0:04:22.720 --> 0:04:23.800 And then I didn't know what I was supposed to 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:24.279 be doing with it. 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:26.640 So there were times where I was like, I don't 0:04:26.680 --> 0:04:28.960 know what to do and it's a weird nobody feel 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:29.440 sorry for you. 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:31.040 Oh you got money now. 0:04:31.120 --> 0:04:32.800 It's could to be able to take care of like 0:04:32.960 --> 0:04:35.200 you no family members and stuff like that. You know, 0:04:35.360 --> 0:04:39.800 Like I was talking last night with a publicist and 0:04:39.839 --> 0:04:42.920 we were kind of just going over just older things 0:04:43.000 --> 0:04:45.159 and getting ready for the new record and release and stuff, 0:04:45.200 --> 0:04:49.760 and we got talking about the house that I grew 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:52.479 up in and there's a picture for it, and she 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:55.919 was like, is that really is? Like yeah, And I 0:04:55.920 --> 0:04:58.200 grew up that there was one hundred and acres. My 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:00.440 grandparents were about to have a a lot of back 0:05:00.480 --> 0:05:03.120 taxes on the bank was about to take it. So 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:05.280 I'm being able to come in and buy the family 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:06.520 of land that's been in our name. 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:07.480 For over one hundred years. 0:05:07.520 --> 0:05:08.400 That really really cool. 0:05:08.520 --> 0:05:11.160 You know so uh yeah, I mean being able to 0:05:11.200 --> 0:05:14.120 do stuff like that is really awesome. You know, if 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:16.880 if anybody needs something, it's good to be able to, 0:05:17.120 --> 0:05:19.680 you know, holler at the account and be like yo, yeah. 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:22.200 When people will ask me a similar question, we're like, 0:05:22.200 --> 0:05:23.120 what's the first thing you did? 0:05:23.400 --> 0:05:25.440 I bought my mama trailer and a few acres of land. 0:05:25.920 --> 0:05:27.600 We didn't have that, and I wanted to like remove 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:31.240 that that fear of her losing it constantly. And for 0:05:31.279 --> 0:05:33.040 you to be able to do that at home, like 0:05:33.080 --> 0:05:35.479 that's like the it was like it almost doesn't matter 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:37.520 what else happens that and things could be having you 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:41.240 get ten planes, but still like that that moment yea relatively. 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:43.800 Everybody, that makes you feel better than damn there anything else. 0:05:43.839 --> 0:05:46.279 You know that that's you're able to do that, you're 0:05:46.279 --> 0:05:49.240 financially able to do that, and that people actually give 0:05:49.279 --> 0:05:52.080 a shit and the and enough in your music and 0:05:52.120 --> 0:05:54.560 stuff for you know, that's how you got that money. 0:05:54.600 --> 0:05:56.159 You know. Do you ever feel a bit of imposter 0:05:56.240 --> 0:05:57.880 syndrome where you're like, I'm really not as good sometimes 0:05:57.880 --> 0:05:59.960 as people are, like like you're selling out. 0:06:00.240 --> 0:06:02.800 The cod thing all the time, Like yeah, I'm a 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:08.720 I'm like, I'm so hard on myself about everything, Like. 0:06:07.880 --> 0:06:09.600 Like, what specifically are you hard on yourself about? The 0:06:09.600 --> 0:06:10.600 people wouldn't even. 0:06:10.680 --> 0:06:13.520 Well just a songwrite like songwriting. 0:06:14.600 --> 0:06:19.479 Vocally everything, Like I'm a I'm a hard ass on myself. Like, 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:21.640 but I grew up like that. My dad was the 0:06:21.640 --> 0:06:25.800 same way. He was usually hard on me, and nowadays, 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:28.159 whenever you know, we talk, he's like, I was the 0:06:28.160 --> 0:06:31.599 way I was, So you wouldn't you know, have the 0:06:31.640 --> 0:06:32.040 life that. 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:33.760 I have, you know, I mean boy named suit type 0:06:33.800 --> 0:06:37.120 almost yeah, legit and uh and you know, I thank 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:38.960 him for that. I'm proud that he did that. 0:06:39.000 --> 0:06:40.800 And that's how already if I have a son or daughter, 0:06:41.040 --> 0:06:42.880 so I'm gonna raise them, you know, I'm gonna love 0:06:42.920 --> 0:06:45.400 him and you know, and and do everything I can 0:06:45.400 --> 0:06:47.440 for him. But at the same time, so I'm that 0:06:47.520 --> 0:06:50.080 you know, you know, you gotta keep gotta keep going. 0:06:50.120 --> 0:06:54.360 It's not all roses. I'm surprised. I like you really, Yeah, 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:56.240 damn you don't like nobody. 0:06:57.360 --> 0:07:00.080 I mostly am indifferent. Yeah, there are people I just 0:07:00.120 --> 0:07:04.000 don't hand their people at. And I thought, I don't know, 0:07:04.000 --> 0:07:06.400 if I like Coe, like he'll probably be a dude 0:07:06.400 --> 0:07:08.120 I would probably like him. He's fine, And I didn't 0:07:08.120 --> 0:07:11.240 think I would dislike you. But I didn't expect to 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:14.360 like you because people would have They would be like, oh, hey, 0:07:14.360 --> 0:07:16.960 co it's some people on my calendar, be like, oh, 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:18.680 coach come up to the house, Like yeah, do you 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:18.960 know them? 0:07:19.200 --> 0:07:19.360 No? 0:07:19.480 --> 0:07:24.280 But that's the bad part, Like nobody really knows knows 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:26.400 a lot about me. Everything that they know is through 0:07:26.440 --> 0:07:29.600 social media or the Internet or stories that they've heard, 0:07:29.640 --> 0:07:32.160 and uh, I don't know. 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:32.440 No. 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:34.040 I like, like I can just like look at you 0:07:34.360 --> 0:07:37.160 aside from all the performance stuff, and even when you're 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:39.440 talking about buying that land, like you can actually like 0:07:40.560 --> 0:07:44.680 feel like what matters, Like at the core, what matters? 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:47.360 You ever write a song and cry because of what 0:07:47.400 --> 0:07:48.239 you what you wrote? 0:07:50.320 --> 0:07:50.520 No. 0:07:52.720 --> 0:07:54.760 I got a music video back the other day though, 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:57.520 for a new song, and it made me cry. 0:07:57.560 --> 0:08:00.800 It was it was crazy what triggered you? 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:02.360 Like what you don't have to say anything you don't 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:03.560 want to, but like what about it is? 0:08:03.600 --> 0:08:05.360 What made it music? 0:08:05.400 --> 0:08:07.520 We shot the music video back in my hometown. It 0:08:07.600 --> 0:08:10.640 was just like shots of you know, pictures growing up 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:18.200 and h my buddy's headstone and video. You know, I 0:08:18.240 --> 0:08:20.720 always go every time back home, I go, I sit there, 0:08:20.720 --> 0:08:22.480 I drank a beer with poor beer out for him, 0:08:22.480 --> 0:08:24.360 and I sit there and it was a shot of 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:26.240 that and something clicked and. 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:28.560 I was like, oh, I started kind of yeah. 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:30.640 My buddy were sitting there watching TV, and he was like, 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:33.600 what the fuck's wrong, you know, And I was like, oh, bad, dude. 0:08:34.160 --> 0:08:34.520 I don't know. 0:08:34.559 --> 0:08:38.120 This truly got me and and I sent it to 0:08:38.200 --> 0:08:40.520 my folks and they were like, it kind of pulls 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:42.160 on the hard strains a little bit, you know. And 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:47.120 but I don't think I've ever wrote a song cried, sure, 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:49.040 drunkenly cried, and just don't remember it. 0:08:51.559 --> 0:08:55.160 At number four is Granger Smith from episode four fifty one. 0:08:55.720 --> 0:08:58.360 Feels like it's basically an hour long therapy session and 0:08:58.480 --> 0:09:01.760 him talking about some strong I'm talking about losing his sun. 0:09:02.040 --> 0:09:04.719 I'm talking about why I decided to switch to ministry 0:09:04.800 --> 0:09:07.360 and much more. I will give a trigger warning because 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:10.960 we did talk about a real life moment with some loss. 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:12.640 So just to heads up here and if you want 0:09:12.640 --> 0:09:15.280 to hear the full episode again, it's episode four fifty one, 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:20.200 But here is Granger Smith at number four. When you 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:22.319 write and not so much like up toward the light, 0:09:22.360 --> 0:09:24.280 which we can get to. But when you write Like 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:27.760 a River, it's very it's extremely at times personal, and 0:09:27.840 --> 0:09:31.600 you have to re refeel things and sometimes discover things 0:09:31.600 --> 0:09:34.520 that you didn't feel the first time. Yeah, or at 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:36.880 least not fully because it was so painful that you're 0:09:36.880 --> 0:09:39.040 not you can't take it all in all at once. 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:41.840 It's like a fire hose coming at you when you 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:46.600 write a book like Like a River, and you have 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:52.480 to reexperience some of the things by writing about it 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:58.240 or even thinking about if you're going to write about 0:09:58.280 --> 0:10:07.360 it or not. Difficult was that to kind of travel 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:11.000 back through and try to communicate properly because you've had 0:10:11.000 --> 0:10:15.840 a little distance from it. It still sucks, but now 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:17.959 you're not just feeling. You've got to feel it and 0:10:18.000 --> 0:10:22.040 communicate it and yet still take yourself through it again 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:23.280 so you can't communicate it. 0:10:25.000 --> 0:10:27.319 When I first was kind of putting together the outline 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:30.480 for it, I realized early on this is going to 0:10:30.480 --> 0:10:33.200 be more than I thought, because the first literally the 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:36.760 first chapter is we lose River, and then I've got 0:10:36.760 --> 0:10:39.480 a bunch of I've got a bunch more chapters and 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:42.840 it's all the aftermath, really the book is really the 0:10:43.000 --> 0:10:47.600 aftermath of losing him. And as I was doing the outline, 0:10:47.600 --> 0:10:50.040 and this is this chapter, then I'll say this, I'll 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:53.120 say this, I'll say this, and I completed it, and 0:10:53.760 --> 0:10:56.680 I knew there was a piece I was intentionally missing 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:00.640 because I just didn't want to go there. And it 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:04.480 was the time when I was, you know, almost killed myself, suicide. 0:11:05.600 --> 0:11:08.040 But the story wasn't complete without it. So at some 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:10.360 level I was like, my wife didn't know about it, 0:11:10.480 --> 0:11:13.559 no one knew about it. It's like it needs to 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:17.280 be a chapter because this part doesn't make sense down 0:11:17.320 --> 0:11:20.520 here without the connector. And the connector was the dark 0:11:20.640 --> 0:11:25.080 night that I had, and so going there was something 0:11:25.160 --> 0:11:27.840 and then not only going there, but then I called 0:11:27.880 --> 0:11:30.800 Amber and I told her, I got to tell you. 0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:34.080 I literally waited till the book proposal was done and 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:36.400 they're going to pitch it to publishers. And the book 0:11:36.440 --> 0:11:39.920 proposal had a chapter summaries, and as it was going out, 0:11:39.920 --> 0:11:41.640 I was like, I better call Amber and tell her 0:11:42.040 --> 0:11:45.439 that's how long I waited. And she cried and then 0:11:45.520 --> 0:11:48.480 she said, well, you better call your mom. Mom didn't know, 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:51.120 and then Mom said you better call your brothers no 0:11:51.120 --> 0:11:54.040 one knew about this, So it was not only writing 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:55.640 it and thinking through it as I was writing it, 0:11:55.640 --> 0:11:58.440 but then telling the world about the most embarrassing, most 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:01.679 vulnerable moment in my life when I almost killed myself. 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:03.880 So if people were to read the book and you 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:05.600 didn't put that in, they wouldn't have known it wasn't in. 0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:07.680 They still would have felt, this is impactful book, this 0:12:07.679 --> 0:12:08.520 has taught me a lesson. 0:12:09.840 --> 0:12:12.240 They wouldn't have known that it was not in. 0:12:14.559 --> 0:12:18.280 Yet you put it in because to you, did it 0:12:18.360 --> 0:12:21.080 not feel like you were being or you were giving 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:25.680 the honest version of your thoughts, feelings, emotions about what happened? 0:12:25.800 --> 0:12:26.240 Correct? 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:26.920 That was? 0:12:27.600 --> 0:12:28.400 That was the hinge. 0:12:28.440 --> 0:12:29.679 That was the pivot. 0:12:29.360 --> 0:12:34.120 Moment in my trying to fix myself, and then that 0:12:34.240 --> 0:12:35.640 was the pivot into surrender. 0:12:36.120 --> 0:12:38.680 I can't fix my Was that uh, dealing with addiction? 0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:42.880 Was Was it a mental emotional? Like the bottom for you? 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:45.160 Was that the bottom that made you just made you 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:48.960 go If I don't go up from here, it's going 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:50.680 to be over over And that was it. 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:53.920 I don't know how to better define a bottom, but 0:12:53.960 --> 0:12:55.400 that's bottom as I've ever been. 0:12:56.760 --> 0:13:02.080 Yeah, why did you choose not to commit suicide, like 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:04.040 what was in your head? 0:13:04.520 --> 0:13:06.640 They says, Okay, I need to fight this. 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:09.880 It's more than an urge. It urge is not the 0:13:10.000 --> 0:13:14.040 correct word for it. But why did you not do it? 0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:15.640 Yeah? 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:18.560 I want to say, I want to tell you without 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:21.199 sounding weird, because it kind of gets a little weird. 0:13:21.280 --> 0:13:25.880 But I'll just describe it the best I can. When 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:28.679 I reached this in Boise, Idaho, we were playing back 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:32.360 to back shows December of twenty nineteen. And you know, 0:13:32.360 --> 0:13:34.240 when you play back to back shows, you don't travel 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:36.439 in between, so there's kill a lot of time the 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:39.120 bus isn't moving. I went with the band and had 0:13:39.160 --> 0:13:42.920 a few drinks way too many. Was feeling normal again. 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:46.080 Went back to the bus six months after losing River, 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:50.200 feeling okay, like feeling like a human being again. Went 0:13:50.240 --> 0:13:52.480 to my back lounge and saw like all my self 0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:55.800 help books, my little marijuana pin, all the little things 0:13:55.800 --> 0:13:58.800 that I had done to create a world that to 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:03.720 make me feel normal, instantly recognizing things aren't normal. Then 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:05.880 I realized, well, this is probably the first time I've 0:14:05.880 --> 0:14:09.360 been drunk since I've been therapy. All this, I've put 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:12.280 all these barriers in place to try to protect me 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:16.240 from my slideshow, which is this PTSD idea of I 0:14:16.280 --> 0:14:19.040 would just see River in the pool, floating face down. 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:20.920 I would pick him up. 0:14:21.040 --> 0:14:24.280 His face is purple, his eyes are open, just looking 0:14:24.280 --> 0:14:27.720 in all directions. His hair's messed up, his limbs are 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:31.680 dangling like a rag doll. I'm doing CPR, wondering if 0:14:31.680 --> 0:14:34.320 I should press harder on his chest or if it 0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:36.760 might break his bones, and then thinking maybe that's the 0:14:36.840 --> 0:14:39.160 least of my worries right now, like all these ideas. 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:41.120 Then I see the doctor walk in. He tells me 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:45.520 no chance. I hear those ambulances screaming down that quiet road. 0:14:46.040 --> 0:14:49.880 I see my son Lincoln's hand on his brother's lightning 0:14:49.920 --> 0:14:54.360 me Queen coffin his best friend's funeral. All these things 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:57.320 were just haunting me, not just the grief of losing 0:14:57.440 --> 0:15:00.440 a child, but the shame and the guilt that I 0:15:00.480 --> 0:15:04.520 was there and failed. All of it was culminating that night, 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:09.360 and Boise and I had the most vivid what I 0:15:09.440 --> 0:15:14.760 called the slide show, just panic attack, crying, couldn't stop it. 0:15:14.840 --> 0:15:17.280 Hit that weed pin as hard as I could. I 0:15:17.360 --> 0:15:22.800 was already way too intoxicated, and realizing there was no hope, 0:15:23.360 --> 0:15:26.760 grabbed the nine melimeters pistol that we had in the drawer, 0:15:27.480 --> 0:15:28.280 put it in my mouth. 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:32.080 And this is when it gets weird. 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:37.600 I realized that I had I thought, a thought that 0:15:37.680 --> 0:15:41.400 my mind didn't generate. I knew it was a foreign thought, 0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:47.840 as if as if there was something else thinking for 0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:51.680 me or providing information to me. I think that's the 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:54.880 best way I could describe it. In that moment, I 0:15:54.960 --> 0:15:58.920 realized I was not alone. Basically, something else was with 0:15:59.000 --> 0:16:03.320 me that night, and I heard in the thought was 0:16:03.360 --> 0:16:06.600 a voice that said, this is the way to rest, 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:08.440 This is the way to peace. 0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:10.520 Just squeeze the trigger. 0:16:12.440 --> 0:16:18.240 And it was realizing that I was under attack the 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:20.080 first time. It had never occurred to me in my 0:16:20.120 --> 0:16:24.440 whole life as a cultural, nominal, religious person. Had never 0:16:24.520 --> 0:16:27.560 occurred to me. But there was an enemy that I'd 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:32.280 been stalked and and it just about killed me that night. 0:16:32.360 --> 0:16:34.040 But to realize that there's an enemy at a time 0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:41.640 when you're realizing button isn't really working, that to separate, 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:43.640 to be able to do and go this is not 0:16:43.840 --> 0:16:46.400 me at a time and again it's a lot of 0:16:46.920 --> 0:16:48.560 irrational thoughts are happening. 0:16:48.680 --> 0:16:51.320 Yeah, And to have the one rational thought. 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:55.320 So the one rational thought caused the next thing to happen. 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:59.320 And that's when I said, Jesus, please save me, Please 0:16:59.520 --> 0:17:01.840 Jesus say that just it was like a knee jerk. 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:04.159 It's like an old pulling back on the old Sunday 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:05.439 School knee jerk reaction. 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:06.640 But when I. 0:17:06.640 --> 0:17:12.320 Said it, the slide show stopped. It's actually stopped. Everything stopped. 0:17:12.680 --> 0:17:17.440 That weird pain that the voice. There was just enough 0:17:17.560 --> 0:17:20.800 rest for me to drop the gun, to fold the floor, 0:17:21.400 --> 0:17:24.080 and I just cried myself asleep on the floor of 0:17:24.080 --> 0:17:27.760 the bus, saying please Jesus saved me. Because what changed 0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:32.159 was I went from shame and guilt and panic attack 0:17:32.280 --> 0:17:34.679 to all of a sudden fear of an enemy that 0:17:34.720 --> 0:17:36.080 I didn't even know. 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:37.159 I was surrounded by. 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:39.879 The fact that you can have that rational thought in 0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:45.359 the midst of that storm of complete irrationality. To be 0:17:45.440 --> 0:17:52.480 able to not do it. 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:51.280 Is the only reason I'm sitting in this chair right now. 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:54.800 I would have been another statistic that you read on 0:17:54.840 --> 0:17:55.520 the show. 0:17:56.480 --> 0:17:57.960 I don't really read a lot of those statistics on 0:17:58.000 --> 0:18:02.040 me that those statics don't make me happy, but uh yeah, 0:18:02.280 --> 0:18:05.600 to me, that is that is just wild. That again, 0:18:05.640 --> 0:18:08.399 that is a time where you've obviously at the temporarily 0:18:08.400 --> 0:18:11.520 lost control, yet you still felt something still got there's 0:18:11.520 --> 0:18:13.600 still a bit of control that got through. 0:18:13.640 --> 0:18:19.040 That. Why it feels crazy is that. 0:18:20.680 --> 0:18:22.680 Usually in that situation, I think a lot of people 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:27.200 don't have the opportunity to have or find the rational thought. 0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:30.679 I don't give myself credit for that because I know this. 0:18:30.800 --> 0:18:31.560 No, I don't either. 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:34.320 I know the statistics and I know it's rare. 0:18:35.200 --> 0:18:38.399 And that you can even recognize the difference in the 0:18:38.440 --> 0:18:39.600 two That is so. 0:18:39.760 --> 0:18:44.560 I yeah to I would be extremely grateful, and you are, 0:18:44.880 --> 0:18:46.520 and that I think this is one of the ways 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:49.840 that I think I could kind of that shouldn't happen. 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:51.320 I don't know how you got a clear thought in 0:18:51.320 --> 0:18:53.840 your mind went a very non clear thought time, and 0:18:53.880 --> 0:18:57.240 I do see almost I can feel why that would 0:18:57.320 --> 0:19:02.119 change fundamentally, right mentally the reason you do what you 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:03.120 do right. 0:19:05.280 --> 0:19:07.640 You can't be the same person after a night like that. 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:15.880