WEBVTT - Dear Banya: Who’s More Obsessed? 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:04.960 Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:08.480 --> 0:00:14.320 Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in, rub dub dumb. Before 0:00:14.360 --> 0:00:17.200 we begin this Dear Bonia episode, I want to wish 0:00:17.280 --> 0:00:22.680 a very happy birthday to Kate Stram, a big scrubber. 0:00:23.560 --> 0:00:26.160 Her husband reached out and wanted us to give a 0:00:26.200 --> 0:00:28.120 shout out, which I think is the cutest thing ever. 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:29.680 So I love a cute husband. 0:00:29.720 --> 0:00:31.760 We love you, Kate. We hope you have the best 0:00:31.880 --> 0:00:32.639 day ever. 0:00:33.080 --> 0:00:34.720 And shout out to your husband Brian. 0:00:34.560 --> 0:00:37.680 And shout out to Brian the Big two nine, last 0:00:37.720 --> 0:00:38.559 year of your twenties. 0:00:38.640 --> 0:00:42.920 Live it up girl twenty nine has a husband. It's nice. 0:00:44.159 --> 0:00:45.640 You'll be thirty nine with a husband. 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:48.400 Correct, Yes, yes, I will be. 0:00:48.720 --> 0:00:51.160 And I'll be never with a husband. That's true. 0:00:51.320 --> 0:00:52.240 That is true. 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:54.600 All right, let's get right into it. We said we 0:00:54.640 --> 0:00:55.560 are not waysing time for. 0:00:57.160 --> 0:01:00.640 Pace from Brook That requires you maybe reading faster. 0:01:01.000 --> 0:01:05.640 Oh wow, okay, well that feels like she'sad wanted to 0:01:05.640 --> 0:01:08.000 say it for a minute. 0:01:08.560 --> 0:01:10.960 I have a very frustrating relationship with my in laws. 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:13.040 My husband and I have been together nine years, and 0:01:13.080 --> 0:01:15.319 over that time I realized it's not me it's them. 0:01:15.400 --> 0:01:19.000 They are unkind people who spend all their time judging others. 0:01:19.319 --> 0:01:21.520 They usually keep their distance. I can ignore them, but 0:01:21.560 --> 0:01:24.679 they recently spend four days with us, the first trip 0:01:24.680 --> 0:01:26.600 to come to see us after we moved across the country, 0:01:26.760 --> 0:01:28.880 and I wanted to cry non stop after day two. 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:31.240 My husband and I were so relieved when they left. 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:33.440 But his brother is getting married in November, so we're 0:01:33.440 --> 0:01:35.480 gonna have to spend time with him. What can I 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:38.440 do to let their unkind comments roll off my back 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:40.959 and not be so sensitive about them. I've tried to 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:43.559 be nice, but they just won't ever be nice people. 0:01:43.760 --> 0:01:45.520 How do you deal with people who make you uncomfortable? 0:01:46.800 --> 0:01:49.040 You know, this is just one of those like classic 0:01:49.120 --> 0:01:52.320 things of it has nothing to do with you. 0:01:52.440 --> 0:01:53.360 It's just who they. 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:56.760 Are, and they're probably at an age where they're never 0:01:56.840 --> 0:01:59.640 gonna change, unfortunately, And I hate to be like that 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:03.240 unhopeful person who's like they're too far gone. But I 0:02:03.320 --> 0:02:06.720 think at a certain age people just stop wanting to 0:02:06.800 --> 0:02:09.160 change or trying to change, and if they haven't made 0:02:09.200 --> 0:02:12.680 the effort this at this point, I don't know if 0:02:12.680 --> 0:02:15.000 you're ever gonna see them change and be like nice people. 0:02:15.040 --> 0:02:17.000 But I think that you just have to do you. 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:19.519 I don't think it means you stop being kind or 0:02:19.560 --> 0:02:23.000 empathetic or accommodating. I think you just don't bend your 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:26.160 break your back trying to get them to be nice, 0:02:26.160 --> 0:02:27.800 because I don't think you're ever gonna get what you 0:02:27.880 --> 0:02:28.600 want from them. 0:02:28.960 --> 0:02:33.200 Yeah, it's interesting because I find myself being very much 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:35.960 like you. I'm very affected and can be very affected 0:02:36.000 --> 0:02:40.639 by other people's behaviors. And it's very interesting. Robbie said, 0:02:41.160 --> 0:02:43.520 send something to me once. I'll never forget it. It 0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:47.160 was take people as they are. Just take people as 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:50.000 they are, and it really weirdly changed things for me, 0:02:50.360 --> 0:02:52.640 Like it was like, that's just how this person is. 0:02:52.840 --> 0:02:54.640 I'm never going to change them and has nothing to 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:56.880 do with me, and you just take them for how 0:02:56.919 --> 0:02:59.120 they are, who they are, and it really helped me, 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:03.560 like not be upset by the way other people interact 0:03:03.840 --> 0:03:05.920 Yeah with me around. 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:07.480 Me, mm, it really helps. 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:10.440 I think you just try to avoid spending any unnecessary 0:03:10.480 --> 0:03:11.160 time with them. 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:12.400 Right, I mean, these are your in laws, so you 0:03:12.440 --> 0:03:13.880 are going to have to spend time with them, but 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:14.960 it's just take them as they are. 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:16.920 This is this is who they are. 0:03:17.400 --> 0:03:21.120 Take them for it and prepare mentally, prepare yourself when 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:22.359 you know you're going to be around them, and that's 0:03:22.400 --> 0:03:23.120 the best that you can do. 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:25.079 And I also feel like it's so nice your husband 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:30.119 also understands. Yeah, yeah, because it sounds like he's also 0:03:30.240 --> 0:03:34.680 relieved when they like, You're very lucky that you're on 0:03:34.760 --> 0:03:37.920 the same page about being pushed by them. 0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:40.320 For sure, to get in your little cocoon together, zip 0:03:40.360 --> 0:03:40.640 it up. 0:03:40.760 --> 0:03:43.200 You have each other if you get stuck. If one 0:03:43.240 --> 0:03:45.000 of you gets stuck, seek out the other. 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:48.760 Yeah, and get out of that situation. Onto excuse me, 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:49.880 it's not you, it's them. 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:51.600 Literally literally Onto the. 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:55.520 Next anonymous, My husband's self pleasure is with porn, and 0:03:55.600 --> 0:03:57.760 it's kind of an issue in our relationship. I've asked 0:03:57.840 --> 0:03:59.920 him to abstain, but he has not been successful. Whenever 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:01.560 ask him if he's done it, he admits to it 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:04.000 and he's super apologetic, but he never offers to stop. 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:06.560 He's more of a night owl and works late into 0:04:06.560 --> 0:04:08.080 the night and he'll do it after I'm asleep and 0:04:08.080 --> 0:04:10.200 I'll tell him to wake me up. I'll help him out. 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:13.120 Am I overthinking this? We're in a very committed to 0:04:13.160 --> 0:04:15.640 healthy relationship with open communication. And I know he's not 0:04:15.680 --> 0:04:17.200 doing it because you're not attracted him he or he 0:04:17.200 --> 0:04:19.560 doesn't love me. I don't feel like he's betraying me 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:22.320 or cheating on me. It just feels taboo to me 0:04:22.680 --> 0:04:25.640 because of my conservative upbringing. What do you think. 0:04:27.400 --> 0:04:28.560 Do you mean to go sure? 0:04:28.839 --> 0:04:32.080 I think if it's affecting your sex life, then I 0:04:32.120 --> 0:04:33.880 think you have all the right in the world to 0:04:34.279 --> 0:04:36.400 stand firm on it. And if you're not getting the 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:38.760 sex or the pleasure, you're not partaking in it as 0:04:38.839 --> 0:04:41.400 much as you want. He's doing this more than he's 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:45.760 pleasing you. I think it's a huge issue, But that doesn't. 0:04:45.480 --> 0:04:46.479 Seem to be the issue here. 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:49.719 You said you have a very committed, healthy, healthy relationship, 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:56.960 which makes me feel like you're satisfied. So I feel 0:04:56.960 --> 0:04:58.320 like you just let him have his thing. 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:00.400 I don't know. 0:05:00.480 --> 0:05:03.719 I mean, I don't, I don't I don't like it, 0:05:03.800 --> 0:05:06.920 So I don't but that I don't like it either. 0:05:07.160 --> 0:05:10.400 But I think if it's I think it's affecting her. 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:13.040 She took the time to write into the podcast about it, 0:05:13.080 --> 0:05:15.440 So I whether it's affecting her sex life or it's 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:18.920 just like bothers her and she's communicated that to him, 0:05:19.000 --> 0:05:26.000 then I think that's something worth potentially seeing like a 0:05:26.040 --> 0:05:29.520 couple's therapists about because I think that if it's affecting 0:05:29.560 --> 0:05:31.680 you and it's making you feel a certain way, no 0:05:31.720 --> 0:05:36.160 matter what that way is, I think it's important to handle. 0:05:37.080 --> 0:05:40.400 I've had many conversations with men about this, various men, 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:42.120 which might sound weird. 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:46.960 Because on the corner, because it's. 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:50.360 So it's so different to men than it is to women. 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:51.640 Do you know what I mean? 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:55.520 Like when I when I would masturbate, I would have 0:05:55.600 --> 0:05:57.120 to think about like you have to, I have to 0:05:57.160 --> 0:05:59.760 think about something. With men, I feel like it's so 0:05:59.839 --> 0:06:02.280 much more transactional, like they're not getting in there. 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:03.760 I mean, I have men in here so you can 0:06:04.160 --> 0:06:06.440 if I'm wrong. It's more mechanical. 0:06:06.520 --> 0:06:08.680 It's more like this, like I need to just get 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:11.840 get get the poison out. Where For women it's so 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:15.240 it's so much so it's like we I can't it's 0:06:15.320 --> 0:06:17.960 hard for us to understand each other because it's just 0:06:18.279 --> 0:06:20.920 it's like two separate planets, do you know what I mean? 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:26.080 But what I don't understand is if she's offering to 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:28.599 be there for his needs twenty four to seven. Why 0:06:28.640 --> 0:06:29.960 does he not take advantage of that? 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:33.760 Up, do not wake me up? 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:37.680 I'm saying she cares enough about this to say, like, 0:06:38.120 --> 0:06:39.479 wake me up in the middle of the night and 0:06:39.560 --> 0:06:42.120 I will do what you need me to do. And 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:51.960 he's still taking this fantasy like option over that, which 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:52.440 I don't like. 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:55.120 I see it's I don't think it's fantasy like for 0:06:55.200 --> 0:06:59.919 men then, and he gets fantasy like for women then. 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:01.000 Why, I guess. 0:07:01.120 --> 0:07:03.760 I guess I don't get why you want to take 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:06.040 the real thing over what you're watching on a screen. 0:07:06.120 --> 0:07:08.200 That's hard for me too, because I would always take 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:09.479 the real thing if it were up to me. 0:07:09.720 --> 0:07:15.440 Yeah, I mean to defend the dude, I guess. Masturbating 0:07:15.480 --> 0:07:19.240 and sex with another person are very different experiences, Like 0:07:19.280 --> 0:07:21.240 they are very different parts of your of you know, 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:26.800 your sexuality, and uh, like, I don't think that you know, 0:07:26.840 --> 0:07:29.720 I don't think that you shouldn't you should never master 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:31.920 ate if you're like in a committed relationship. I think 0:07:31.960 --> 0:07:35.200 that's all she says that, like, oh, just wake me 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:37.320 up and I'll handle it. I don't think she would 0:07:37.320 --> 0:07:38.400 actually like that if. 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:41.200 That happened, but I would call that bluff. 0:07:41.280 --> 0:07:45.559 Yeah, I mean, uh, that's what I think is happening. 0:07:45.600 --> 0:07:48.000 And also I think the dude is probably like, well, 0:07:48.680 --> 0:07:49.520 I mean it's what. 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:50.160 One in the morning. 0:07:50.480 --> 0:07:51.920 Now, I'm like, like, I just kind of want to 0:07:51.920 --> 0:07:55.640 get this hand, you know, it's all he's like lighting 0:07:55.640 --> 0:07:57.640 candles and like putting up a picture of doing. 0:07:58.320 --> 0:08:03.440 Kind of like shower after I don't know, that's my story. 0:08:03.600 --> 0:08:05.240 I just like to look on your face sometimes after 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:06.920 you say things that I receive. 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:10.800 Like sometimes I'm like, like, you know, if he wants 0:08:10.840 --> 0:08:12.160 to and I and I'm like, I just don't want 0:08:12.160 --> 0:08:13.360 to shower, I'll just be like, let me. 0:08:13.320 --> 0:08:15.480 Just let me help you here, you know. Yeah, I 0:08:15.520 --> 0:08:16.360 guess I just don't. 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:19.360 I might relate to her because I grew up with this, 0:08:19.480 --> 0:08:23.800 like a very strong viewpoint on poorn, like a very 0:08:23.800 --> 0:08:26.800 conservative Christian mindset on it, So it feels a lot. 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:27.800 I think it'll. 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:30.520 Always feel heavier to me than like it is for Like, 0:08:30.640 --> 0:08:32.640 I think I think it is heavy for some people, 0:08:32.679 --> 0:08:34.640 like I do think it becomes a problem for some people. 0:08:35.080 --> 0:08:36.920 But I also think there is something to be said 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.560 about having that conversation, being honest about how you feel him, 0:08:40.640 --> 0:08:43.120 having an honest conversation about how he feels and then 0:08:43.160 --> 0:08:45.120 maybe just understanding it. 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:47.160 There's there's it is what it is? You know what 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:47.440 I mean? 0:08:47.520 --> 0:08:49.199 That's what I was gonna say. Is it really? 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:51.640 Is it affecting you in your relationship? Or have you 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:54.160 been told that it does affect you in your relationship? 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:54.640 It's bad? 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:55.280 And then's wrong? 0:08:55.360 --> 0:08:57.440 Yeah? And does it come up because you're like, hey, 0:08:57.480 --> 0:09:02.679 shall we and he's like, oh, sorry, I a problem? Right, 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:04.520 all right, we move on. 0:09:04.880 --> 0:09:08.840 I feel like we did with that nail that let's. 0:09:08.800 --> 0:09:09.760 Step away, shall we? 0:09:09.840 --> 0:09:13.559 Oh yeah, we got to regroup post breakup words of encouragement. 0:09:13.760 --> 0:09:36.240 No, no, all right, we're back and we are keeping 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:37.240 the pace on this. 0:09:37.520 --> 0:09:38.600 That's right, Mark, take it away. 0:09:39.800 --> 0:09:44.319 We're moving along to Sophia. I'm six months post breakup 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:46.320 with someone who's been four years with and thought I 0:09:46.360 --> 0:09:48.160 was gonna spend the rest of my life before being 0:09:48.200 --> 0:09:53.880 blindsided with a breakup due to quote social incompatibilities. He's 0:09:54.000 --> 0:09:56.760 very extroverted and social. I had trouble becoming close with 0:09:56.800 --> 0:09:59.360 his friends, while he became very close with my friends. 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:01.679 I turned thirty four in a few weeks, and I'm 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:03.760 feeling so much pressure to put myself back out there 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:06.760 even when I feel so heartbroken and devastated by this loss. 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:09.920 I'm going to therapy, I started piano lessons. I've been 0:10:09.960 --> 0:10:12.480 working really hard on trying new things and battling my 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:15.760 social anxiety, but I still feel so sad. I tried 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:18.440 getting back on dating apps and maybe feel worse. I'm 0:10:18.480 --> 0:10:21.440 looking for words of encouragement of ways that you've healed 0:10:21.480 --> 0:10:22.920 and come out on the other side of a breakup 0:10:22.960 --> 0:10:23.800 feeling stronger. 0:10:26.280 --> 0:10:30.720 I think that you are not ready to put yourself 0:10:31.080 --> 0:10:33.160 back out there, and I think that's okay to not 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:35.120 feel like you immediately need to get on the dating 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:38.280 apps and go on dates, like regardless of turning thirty four. 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:41.760 Like it sounds like you need to let yourself heal. 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:43.920 It sounds like you're trying to find new things that 0:10:44.000 --> 0:10:46.520 you love and you're doing things for yourself, and I 0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:48.920 think that is such a beautiful thing to focus on 0:10:49.000 --> 0:10:51.520 during this time, because you might not be ready to 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:53.920 give your heart to someone again just yet, And that's okay. 0:10:54.920 --> 0:10:59.280 On the flip side, it's a numbers game, and you're 0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:00.840 not if you're sitting on your couch and you're not 0:11:00.920 --> 0:11:04.120 meeting anyone and you're not going to meet anyone, you know, 0:11:05.600 --> 0:11:08.120 So I say, get back out there. It's a numbers game. 0:11:08.320 --> 0:11:11.920 Just keep them coming. But masturbation is a beautiful thing. Sure, 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:14.320 I have a great time with you, and it makes 0:11:14.320 --> 0:11:15.120 you more confident. 0:11:15.320 --> 0:11:19.040 I'm glad that we have a theme. But I think that, uh, 0:11:19.679 --> 0:11:21.840 dating apps can be depressing, and I get it as 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:24.120 soon as you open it up, Like I never wanted 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:26.760 to be on these again. I thought I was done 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:29.920 with this nonsense. So maybe don't do the dating apps, 0:11:29.960 --> 0:11:31.120 but you still got to get out there. 0:11:31.120 --> 0:11:33.079 I'm all for that end. 0:11:33.160 --> 0:11:34.640 But live your. 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:40.880 Life, join social groups, play in anxiety. Well that's true. 0:11:40.880 --> 0:11:41.920 I don't know that's a good point. 0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:43.640 Yeah, dating apps are made. 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:45.680 For her, but she's trying new things to work on 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:47.840 the and I think that doing things for herself and 0:11:47.920 --> 0:11:50.720 meeting new people could lead to her meeting someone. And 0:11:50.800 --> 0:11:52.760 I don't think that getting on the apps. I think 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:55.719 if she was like I've tried everything, I just want 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:58.000 to meet someone. I want to go on dates. But 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:00.440 I don't think she wants to go on dates right now. 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:03.679 I think she's feeling sad and she's going through heartbreak. 0:12:06.240 --> 0:12:08.280 I haven't known you six months past a breakup. 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:09.559 So what do you mean. 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:13.280 I haven't known you out of a four year relationship 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:17.360 six months at that point. I know you for the 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:19.880 trigger event and that was not you. 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:22.800 Never knew me after Arizona guy. Oh wow, she was 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:26.960 a pill day crying. But yeah she got back on 0:12:26.960 --> 0:12:29.240 the horse. Let me tell you many horses. 0:12:29.320 --> 0:12:29.920 She did get on. 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:32.240 Those horses. 0:12:34.360 --> 0:12:41.720 But I feel like there's a lot of tears and sadness, heartbreak, rejection. Yeah, 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:44.640 I personally say, don't do that. I think your heart 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:46.720 needs to heal. I think you're doing what you need 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:49.080 to do for yourself. I think you work on going 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:53.920 to things that aren't a romantic environment to challenge yourself 0:12:53.960 --> 0:12:57.400 with your social anxiety and and learn to love yourself 0:12:57.400 --> 0:12:59.320 so that when the time comes, you're ready to give 0:12:59.320 --> 0:13:00.440 that love to something you knew. 0:13:01.320 --> 0:13:03.000 And also, don't you have to get into the mindset 0:13:03.040 --> 0:13:08.520 of that wasn't him. He's still out there. That wasn't it. 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:11.200 And maybe you dodged a bullet because that wasn't it. 0:13:11.280 --> 0:13:12.839 What if you married the guy that wasn't it? 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:13.960 Maybe he still is it. 0:13:14.400 --> 0:13:15.520 Oh, don't do that to her. 0:13:15.720 --> 0:13:16.640 What maybe he is? 0:13:17.640 --> 0:13:19.920 I hated when everybody said that to me, he broke 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:21.920 up with you, it's over. I'm like, but it's not. 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:23.840 Inside me, I know it's not over. 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:26.199 But she needs to move on. You can't. You can't 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:28.760 hang on that true facts. 0:13:31.160 --> 0:13:34.480 So I'm just saying it could it could be this guy. 0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:36.480 We don't know, That's what I'm saying. 0:13:36.559 --> 0:13:39.040 I don't think she needs to rush out there and date. 0:13:39.120 --> 0:13:41.840 I don't think she's she wants that. I think she wanted. 0:13:42.160 --> 0:13:44.160 I think she still wants it to be this guy. 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:47.000 And I think that in the right now it's it's 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:47.480 not him. 0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:50.360 Having a healthy mindset around it, I think is key 0:13:50.760 --> 0:13:54.360 if you're dating. If you have a mindset of I 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:57.240 had to start dating again, that would be me, then 0:13:57.240 --> 0:13:59.040 the dates are going to suck. If you have the 0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:01.080 mindset of, like I have to start dating again, I 0:14:01.080 --> 0:14:02.480 want to find someone and I want to spend my 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:05.120 life with someone. So here we go such a different 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:05.439 mind I know. 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:08.040 But I think you were just ready to find someone. 0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:09.959 I think you were ready for that phase of your 0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:11.760 life to meet someone and settle down. 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:14.600 Correct, And I think she is as well. 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:16.920 Is going to be her guy for four years and 0:14:16.960 --> 0:14:20.000 it wasn't him, So she's having to grieve the thought 0:14:20.040 --> 0:14:21.960 of it not being the person she had planned her 0:14:22.000 --> 0:14:22.440 life with. 0:14:23.640 --> 0:14:25.880 And isn't the mentality also now that we have to 0:14:25.880 --> 0:14:30.680 get into this whole work on yourself therapy, great the 0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:32.680 reason best person of you and good things will come. 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:35.360 The whole reason he into things is because there was 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:38.520 this incompatibility of her not wanting to be social. So 0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:42.400 work on being social. Put yourself out there, see what people. 0:14:42.520 --> 0:14:45.320 He might come back and you might be like, I 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:47.280 don't want you anymore. I've moved on. 0:14:47.960 --> 0:14:53.400 Yeah, so this is the time to work on yourself. 0:14:53.480 --> 0:14:55.160 Yeah, and masturbate a little. 0:14:55.320 --> 0:14:57.880 Okay, sure, Anonymous. 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:00.760 It gives you the what am I trying to say? 0:15:00.760 --> 0:15:02.880 It gives you the mojo? 0:15:03.320 --> 0:15:04.880 H it does? 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:07.120 High Mark Eastern Beka, Tanya, look at me with the 0:15:07.160 --> 0:15:09.960 top building there. Thank you very much, Anonymous. My boyfriend 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:11.680 and I have a lot of friends in another city. 0:15:11.680 --> 0:15:13.560 We visit a few times a year, but while we're there, 0:15:13.560 --> 0:15:15.440 we stay with our best friends. They're a married couple 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:17.040 and they insist we stay with them because they have 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:18.720 a great house with plenty of room in a large 0:15:18.720 --> 0:15:21.080 guest suite and they miss us since we moved away. 0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:25.320 But their gaft bed sucks. The mattress is lumpy and 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:27.400 it's caving in, and the pillows are too thick, and 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:29.680 less time we slept there, my or ring said, I 0:15:29.720 --> 0:15:32.120 got nine minutes of rem it's. 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:34.160 That bad that would send me What. 0:15:34.080 --> 0:15:36.120 Would you do? Would you risk offending them by telling 0:15:36.160 --> 0:15:38.680 their bed sucks or getting an airbnb instead? And do 0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:41.440 we suck it up? They are by far our best 0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:44.080 friends and have by far the most space to host us, 0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:46.200 so staying with someone else doesn't make any sense. 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:49.040 You guys, the money that you would spend on an airbnb, 0:15:49.240 --> 0:15:50.280 buy them a mattress. 0:15:50.760 --> 0:15:52.160 Hey, Hey, they're your best friends. 0:15:52.200 --> 0:15:53.760 Like if I spent them at Becca's house and it 0:15:53.800 --> 0:15:55.560 was horrible sleep, I'd be like, Becca, you need a 0:15:55.640 --> 0:15:58.120 new mattress because that thing is wha I think. 0:15:57.960 --> 0:16:00.520 I would tell my friend be like, yeah, that's rough. 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:03.200 Have you ever slept in that bad that? 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:07.760 I would send you a screenshot of my aura rings 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:09.160 and say, look what you did to me? 0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:11.640 Are they sensitive? Because I feel like this is a 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:12.960 funny conversation to. 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:14.800 Have, But I also feel like you could be like, hey, 0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:16.960 since we're the ones staying there, when we come visit, 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:20.160 we'll go have these with you, Like, let's go if. 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:22.880 Your bestie of in yourself a new mattress. 0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:25.720 Yeah, nine minutes of rhyme is criminal. 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:27.920 That makes me want to throw I would throw up. 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:28.960 I'd be so sick from that. 0:16:29.040 --> 0:16:31.280 If I wake up with less than twenty percent of REM, 0:16:31.440 --> 0:16:32.520 it's not a good day. 0:16:33.440 --> 0:16:35.000 I think you get to I think you make it 0:16:35.040 --> 0:16:38.160 seem like it's something serious. Okay, we have to have 0:16:38.200 --> 0:16:41.520 a talk. We love you guys, but we need to talk. WHOA, 0:16:41.680 --> 0:16:46.280 what's going on? Oh my gosh, have you there? They haven't, 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:47.120 you know they haven't. 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:48.400 Yeah. 0:16:48.480 --> 0:16:50.080 I think it's I think it's funny. I think you 0:16:50.200 --> 0:16:50.640 make it work. 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:52.840 You could say, hey, if you're if you don't feel 0:16:52.880 --> 0:16:54.800 good about doing that, can we sleep in your bed 0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:56.760 and y'all can sleep in the trade visit. 0:16:56.920 --> 0:16:58.920 Yeah, but I like the idea going in on a 0:16:58.920 --> 0:17:00.239 bed with him done. 0:17:00.200 --> 0:17:02.200 Or just like get some bed bugs and slip them 0:17:02.200 --> 0:17:03.320 in there and be like, oh my gosh, you have 0:17:03.360 --> 0:17:03.760 bed bugs. 0:17:04.200 --> 0:17:05.440 That feels terrible idea? 0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:06.080 How a bad idea? 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:06.320 Yeah? 0:17:06.440 --> 0:17:06.560 Right? 0:17:06.560 --> 0:17:07.960 We should have ended it online. 0:17:08.080 --> 0:17:11.000 From a Mama to Bee Hi, Becca, Tana Easton and 0:17:11.080 --> 0:17:14.040 Mark Okaya got top billing and Tany was misspelled. So 0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:19.159 I'm the matron of honor and my friend's wedding and 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:21.520 currently planning her bachelorette party, and I just found out 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:24.119 I'm pregnant. I'll be about ten weeks a long at 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:25.879 the bachelorette party, but I'm not sure I want to 0:17:25.880 --> 0:17:28.520 tell anybody at that point. I can hide drinking at 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:30.800 the Airbnb, but worry how I can manage this at 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:33.720 the wine tastings I have planned that is more challenging. 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:36.080 Should I tell the bride and have her help me cover? 0:17:36.480 --> 0:17:37.760 I don't want to make it a big thing and 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:40.240 be about me, so I'm hesitant. I'll be about thirty 0:17:40.280 --> 0:17:43.640 six weeks pregnant at her wedding, which also makes me nervous. 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:45.960 What should I do? 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:47.639 One hundred percent you should tell the bride. 0:17:47.640 --> 0:17:49.639