Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in, rub dub dumb. Before
Speaker 2: we begin this Dear Bonia episode, I want to wish
Speaker 2: a very happy birthday to Kate Stram, a big scrubber.
Speaker 2: Her husband reached out and wanted us to give a
Speaker 2: shout out, which I think is the cutest thing ever.
Speaker 3: So I love a cute husband.
Speaker 4: We love you, Kate. We hope you have the best
Speaker 4: day ever.
Speaker 3: And shout out to your husband Brian.
Speaker 4: And shout out to Brian the Big two nine, last
Speaker 4: year of your twenties.
Speaker 5: Live it up girl twenty nine has a husband. It's nice.
Speaker 4: You'll be thirty nine with a husband.
Speaker 3: Correct, Yes, yes, I will be.
Speaker 4: And I'll be never with a husband. That's true.
Speaker 3: That is true.
Speaker 4: All right, let's get right into it. We said we
Speaker 4: are not waysing time for.
Speaker 3: Pace from Brook That requires you maybe reading faster.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, okay, well that feels like she'sad wanted to
Speaker 2: say it for a minute.
Speaker 1: I have a very frustrating relationship with my in laws.
Speaker 1: My husband and I have been together nine years, and
Speaker 1: over that time I realized it's not me it's them.
Speaker 1: They are unkind people who spend all their time judging others.
Speaker 1: They usually keep their distance. I can ignore them, but
Speaker 1: they recently spend four days with us, the first trip
Speaker 1: to come to see us after we moved across the country,
Speaker 1: and I wanted to cry non stop after day two.
Speaker 1: My husband and I were so relieved when they left.
Speaker 1: But his brother is getting married in November, so we're
Speaker 1: gonna have to spend time with him. What can I
Speaker 1: do to let their unkind comments roll off my back
Speaker 1: and not be so sensitive about them. I've tried to
Speaker 1: be nice, but they just won't ever be nice people.
Speaker 1: How do you deal with people who make you uncomfortable?
Speaker 2: You know, this is just one of those like classic
Speaker 2: things of it has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 4: It's just who they.
Speaker 2: Are, and they're probably at an age where they're never
Speaker 2: gonna change, unfortunately, And I hate to be like that
Speaker 2: unhopeful person who's like they're too far gone. But I
Speaker 2: think at a certain age people just stop wanting to
Speaker 2: change or trying to change, and if they haven't made
Speaker 2: the effort this at this point, I don't know if
Speaker 2: you're ever gonna see them change and be like nice people.
Speaker 4: But I think that you just have to do you.
Speaker 2: I don't think it means you stop being kind or
Speaker 2: empathetic or accommodating. I think you just don't bend your
Speaker 2: break your back trying to get them to be nice,
Speaker 2: because I don't think you're ever gonna get what you
Speaker 2: want from them.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's interesting because I find myself being very much
Speaker 5: like you. I'm very affected and can be very affected
Speaker 5: by other people's behaviors. And it's very interesting. Robbie said,
Speaker 5: send something to me once. I'll never forget it. It
Speaker 5: was take people as they are. Just take people as
Speaker 5: they are, and it really weirdly changed things for me,
Speaker 5: Like it was like, that's just how this person is.
Speaker 5: I'm never going to change them and has nothing to
Speaker 5: do with me, and you just take them for how
Speaker 5: they are, who they are, and it really helped me,
Speaker 5: like not be upset by the way other people interact
Speaker 5: Yeah with me around.
Speaker 3: Me, mm, it really helps.
Speaker 2: I think you just try to avoid spending any unnecessary
Speaker 2: time with them.
Speaker 5: Right, I mean, these are your in laws, so you
Speaker 5: are going to have to spend time with them, but
Speaker 5: it's just take them as they are.
Speaker 3: This is this is who they are.
Speaker 5: Take them for it and prepare mentally, prepare yourself when
Speaker 5: you know you're going to be around them, and that's
Speaker 5: the best that you can do.
Speaker 2: And I also feel like it's so nice your husband
Speaker 2: also understands. Yeah, yeah, because it sounds like he's also
Speaker 2: relieved when they like, You're very lucky that you're on
Speaker 2: the same page about being pushed by them.
Speaker 3: For sure, to get in your little cocoon together, zip
Speaker 3: it up.
Speaker 2: You have each other if you get stuck. If one
Speaker 2: of you gets stuck, seek out the other.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and get out of that situation. Onto excuse me,
Speaker 4: it's not you, it's them.
Speaker 3: Literally literally Onto the.
Speaker 1: Next anonymous, My husband's self pleasure is with porn, and
Speaker 1: it's kind of an issue in our relationship. I've asked
Speaker 1: him to abstain, but he has not been successful. Whenever
Speaker 1: ask him if he's done it, he admits to it
Speaker 1: and he's super apologetic, but he never offers to stop.
Speaker 1: He's more of a night owl and works late into
Speaker 1: the night and he'll do it after I'm asleep and
Speaker 1: I'll tell him to wake me up. I'll help him out.
Speaker 1: Am I overthinking this? We're in a very committed to
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with open communication. And I know he's not
Speaker 1: doing it because you're not attracted him he or he
Speaker 1: doesn't love me. I don't feel like he's betraying me
Speaker 1: or cheating on me. It just feels taboo to me
Speaker 1: because of my conservative upbringing. What do you think.
Speaker 3: Do you mean to go sure?
Speaker 5: I think if it's affecting your sex life, then I
Speaker 5: think you have all the right in the world to
Speaker 5: stand firm on it. And if you're not getting the
Speaker 5: sex or the pleasure, you're not partaking in it as
Speaker 5: much as you want. He's doing this more than he's
Speaker 5: pleasing you. I think it's a huge issue, But that doesn't.
Speaker 3: Seem to be the issue here.
Speaker 5: You said you have a very committed, healthy, healthy relationship,
Speaker 5: which makes me feel like you're satisfied. So I feel
Speaker 5: like you just let him have his thing.
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't, I don't I don't like it,
Speaker 2: So I don't but that I don't like it either.
Speaker 4: But I think if it's I think it's affecting her.
Speaker 2: She took the time to write into the podcast about it,
Speaker 2: So I whether it's affecting her sex life or it's
Speaker 2: just like bothers her and she's communicated that to him,
Speaker 2: then I think that's something worth potentially seeing like a
Speaker 2: couple's therapists about because I think that if it's affecting
Speaker 2: you and it's making you feel a certain way, no
Speaker 2: matter what that way is, I think it's important to handle.
Speaker 5: I've had many conversations with men about this, various men,
Speaker 5: which might sound weird.
Speaker 1: Because on the corner, because it's.
Speaker 3: So it's so different to men than it is to women.
Speaker 3: Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 5: Like when I when I would masturbate, I would have
Speaker 5: to think about like you have to, I have to
Speaker 5: think about something. With men, I feel like it's so
Speaker 5: much more transactional, like they're not getting in there.
Speaker 3: I mean, I have men in here so you can
Speaker 3: if I'm wrong. It's more mechanical.
Speaker 5: It's more like this, like I need to just get
Speaker 5: get get the poison out. Where For women it's so
Speaker 5: it's so much so it's like we I can't it's
Speaker 5: hard for us to understand each other because it's just
Speaker 5: it's like two separate planets, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: But what I don't understand is if she's offering to
Speaker 1: be there for his needs twenty four to seven. Why
Speaker 1: does he not take advantage of that?
Speaker 4: Up, do not wake me up?
Speaker 2: I'm saying she cares enough about this to say, like,
Speaker 2: wake me up in the middle of the night and
Speaker 2: I will do what you need me to do. And
Speaker 2: he's still taking this fantasy like option over that, which
Speaker 2: I don't like.
Speaker 5: I see it's I don't think it's fantasy like for
Speaker 5: men then, and he gets fantasy like for women then.
Speaker 4: Why, I guess.
Speaker 2: I guess I don't get why you want to take
Speaker 2: the real thing over what you're watching on a screen.
Speaker 1: That's hard for me too, because I would always take
Speaker 1: the real thing if it were up to me.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean to defend the dude, I guess. Masturbating
Speaker 6: and sex with another person are very different experiences, Like
Speaker 6: they are very different parts of your of you know,
Speaker 6: your sexuality, and uh, like, I don't think that you know,
Speaker 6: I don't think that you shouldn't you should never master
Speaker 6: ate if you're like in a committed relationship. I think
Speaker 6: that's all she says that, like, oh, just wake me
Speaker 6: up and I'll handle it. I don't think she would
Speaker 6: actually like that if.
Speaker 4: That happened, but I would call that bluff.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean, uh, that's what I think is happening.
Speaker 6: And also I think the dude is probably like, well,
Speaker 6: I mean it's what.
Speaker 1: One in the morning.
Speaker 6: Now, I'm like, like, I just kind of want to
Speaker 6: get this hand, you know, it's all he's like lighting
Speaker 6: candles and like putting up a picture of doing.
Speaker 3: Kind of like shower after I don't know, that's my story.
Speaker 1: I just like to look on your face sometimes after
Speaker 1: you say things that I receive.
Speaker 5: Like sometimes I'm like, like, you know, if he wants
Speaker 5: to and I and I'm like, I just don't want
Speaker 5: to shower, I'll just be like, let me.
Speaker 3: Just let me help you here, you know. Yeah, I
Speaker 3: guess I just don't.
Speaker 2: I might relate to her because I grew up with this,
Speaker 2: like a very strong viewpoint on poorn, like a very
Speaker 2: conservative Christian mindset on it, So it feels a lot.
Speaker 4: I think it'll.
Speaker 2: Always feel heavier to me than like it is for Like,
Speaker 2: I think I think it is heavy for some people,
Speaker 2: like I do think it becomes a problem for some people.
Speaker 5: But I also think there is something to be said
Speaker 5: about having that conversation, being honest about how you feel him,
Speaker 5: having an honest conversation about how he feels and then
Speaker 5: maybe just understanding it.
Speaker 3: There's there's it is what it is? You know what
Speaker 3: I mean?
Speaker 4: That's what I was gonna say. Is it really?
Speaker 2: Is it affecting you in your relationship? Or have you
Speaker 2: been told that it does affect you in your relationship?
Speaker 1: It's bad?
Speaker 4: And then's wrong?
Speaker 1: Yeah? And does it come up because you're like, hey,
Speaker 1: shall we and he's like, oh, sorry, I a problem? Right,
Speaker 1: all right, we move on.
Speaker 3: I feel like we did with that nail that let's.
Speaker 1: Step away, shall we?
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, we got to regroup post breakup words of encouragement.
Speaker 2: No, no, all right, we're back and we are keeping
Speaker 2: the pace on this.
Speaker 3: That's right, Mark, take it away.
Speaker 1: We're moving along to Sophia. I'm six months post breakup
Speaker 1: with someone who's been four years with and thought I
Speaker 1: was gonna spend the rest of my life before being
Speaker 1: blindsided with a breakup due to quote social incompatibilities. He's
Speaker 1: very extroverted and social. I had trouble becoming close with
Speaker 1: his friends, while he became very close with my friends.
Speaker 1: I turned thirty four in a few weeks, and I'm
Speaker 1: feeling so much pressure to put myself back out there
Speaker 1: even when I feel so heartbroken and devastated by this loss.
Speaker 1: I'm going to therapy, I started piano lessons. I've been
Speaker 1: working really hard on trying new things and battling my
Speaker 1: social anxiety, but I still feel so sad. I tried
Speaker 1: getting back on dating apps and maybe feel worse. I'm
Speaker 1: looking for words of encouragement of ways that you've healed
Speaker 1: and come out on the other side of a breakup
Speaker 1: feeling stronger.
Speaker 2: I think that you are not ready to put yourself
Speaker 2: back out there, and I think that's okay to not
Speaker 2: feel like you immediately need to get on the dating
Speaker 2: apps and go on dates, like regardless of turning thirty four.
Speaker 4: Like it sounds like you need to let yourself heal.
Speaker 2: It sounds like you're trying to find new things that
Speaker 2: you love and you're doing things for yourself, and I
Speaker 2: think that is such a beautiful thing to focus on
Speaker 2: during this time, because you might not be ready to
Speaker 2: give your heart to someone again just yet, And that's okay.
Speaker 5: On the flip side, it's a numbers game, and you're
Speaker 5: not if you're sitting on your couch and you're not
Speaker 5: meeting anyone and you're not going to meet anyone, you know,
Speaker 5: So I say, get back out there. It's a numbers game.
Speaker 5: Just keep them coming. But masturbation is a beautiful thing. Sure,
Speaker 5: I have a great time with you, and it makes
Speaker 5: you more confident.
Speaker 1: I'm glad that we have a theme. But I think that, uh,
Speaker 1: dating apps can be depressing, and I get it as
Speaker 1: soon as you open it up, Like I never wanted
Speaker 1: to be on these again. I thought I was done
Speaker 1: with this nonsense. So maybe don't do the dating apps,
Speaker 1: but you still got to get out there.
Speaker 3: I'm all for that end.
Speaker 2: But live your.
Speaker 1: Life, join social groups, play in anxiety. Well that's true.
Speaker 1: I don't know that's a good point.
Speaker 3: Yeah, dating apps are made.
Speaker 2: For her, but she's trying new things to work on
Speaker 2: the and I think that doing things for herself and
Speaker 2: meeting new people could lead to her meeting someone. And
Speaker 2: I don't think that getting on the apps. I think
Speaker 2: if she was like I've tried everything, I just want
Speaker 2: to meet someone. I want to go on dates. But
Speaker 2: I don't think she wants to go on dates right now.
Speaker 2: I think she's feeling sad and she's going through heartbreak.
Speaker 4: I haven't known you six months past a breakup.
Speaker 3: So what do you mean.
Speaker 2: I haven't known you out of a four year relationship
Speaker 2: six months at that point. I know you for the
Speaker 2: trigger event and that was not you.
Speaker 3: Never knew me after Arizona guy. Oh wow, she was
Speaker 3: a pill day crying. But yeah she got back on
Speaker 3: the horse. Let me tell you many horses.
Speaker 4: She did get on.
Speaker 3: Those horses.
Speaker 2: But I feel like there's a lot of tears and sadness, heartbreak, rejection. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I personally say, don't do that. I think your heart
Speaker 2: needs to heal. I think you're doing what you need
Speaker 2: to do for yourself. I think you work on going
Speaker 2: to things that aren't a romantic environment to challenge yourself
Speaker 2: with your social anxiety and and learn to love yourself
Speaker 2: so that when the time comes, you're ready to give
Speaker 2: that love to something you knew.
Speaker 1: And also, don't you have to get into the mindset
Speaker 1: of that wasn't him. He's still out there. That wasn't it.
Speaker 1: And maybe you dodged a bullet because that wasn't it.
Speaker 1: What if you married the guy that wasn't it?
Speaker 3: Maybe he still is it.
Speaker 1: Oh, don't do that to her.
Speaker 3: What maybe he is?
Speaker 5: I hated when everybody said that to me, he broke
Speaker 5: up with you, it's over. I'm like, but it's not.
Speaker 5: Inside me, I know it's not over.
Speaker 1: But she needs to move on. You can't. You can't
Speaker 1: hang on that true facts.
Speaker 3: So I'm just saying it could it could be this guy.
Speaker 3: We don't know, That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: I don't think she needs to rush out there and date.
Speaker 2: I don't think she's she wants that. I think she wanted.
Speaker 2: I think she still wants it to be this guy.
Speaker 2: And I think that in the right now it's it's
Speaker 2: not him.
Speaker 5: Having a healthy mindset around it, I think is key
Speaker 5: if you're dating. If you have a mindset of I
Speaker 5: had to start dating again, that would be me, then
Speaker 5: the dates are going to suck. If you have the
Speaker 5: mindset of, like I have to start dating again, I
Speaker 5: want to find someone and I want to spend my
Speaker 5: life with someone. So here we go such a different
Speaker 5: mind I know.
Speaker 2: But I think you were just ready to find someone.
Speaker 2: I think you were ready for that phase of your
Speaker 2: life to meet someone and settle down.
Speaker 3: Correct, And I think she is as well.
Speaker 2: Is going to be her guy for four years and
Speaker 2: it wasn't him, So she's having to grieve the thought
Speaker 2: of it not being the person she had planned her
Speaker 2: life with.
Speaker 1: And isn't the mentality also now that we have to
Speaker 1: get into this whole work on yourself therapy, great the
Speaker 1: reason best person of you and good things will come.
Speaker 2: The whole reason he into things is because there was
Speaker 2: this incompatibility of her not wanting to be social. So
Speaker 2: work on being social. Put yourself out there, see what people.
Speaker 2: He might come back and you might be like, I
Speaker 2: don't want you anymore. I've moved on.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so this is the time to work on yourself.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and masturbate a little.
Speaker 1: Okay, sure, Anonymous.
Speaker 5: It gives you the what am I trying to say?
Speaker 5: It gives you the mojo?
Speaker 3: H it does?
Speaker 1: High Mark Eastern Beka, Tanya, look at me with the
Speaker 1: top building there. Thank you very much, Anonymous. My boyfriend
Speaker 1: and I have a lot of friends in another city.
Speaker 1: We visit a few times a year, but while we're there,
Speaker 1: we stay with our best friends. They're a married couple
Speaker 1: and they insist we stay with them because they have
Speaker 1: a great house with plenty of room in a large
Speaker 1: guest suite and they miss us since we moved away.
Speaker 1: But their gaft bed sucks. The mattress is lumpy and
Speaker 1: it's caving in, and the pillows are too thick, and
Speaker 1: less time we slept there, my or ring said, I
Speaker 1: got nine minutes of rem it's.
Speaker 3: That bad that would send me What.
Speaker 1: Would you do? Would you risk offending them by telling
Speaker 1: their bed sucks or getting an airbnb instead? And do
Speaker 1: we suck it up? They are by far our best
Speaker 1: friends and have by far the most space to host us,
Speaker 1: so staying with someone else doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 2: You guys, the money that you would spend on an airbnb,
Speaker 2: buy them a mattress.
Speaker 3: Hey, Hey, they're your best friends.
Speaker 5: Like if I spent them at Becca's house and it
Speaker 5: was horrible sleep, I'd be like, Becca, you need a
Speaker 5: new mattress because that thing is wha I think.
Speaker 4: I would tell my friend be like, yeah, that's rough.
Speaker 4: Have you ever slept in that bad that?
Speaker 5: I would send you a screenshot of my aura rings
Speaker 5: and say, look what you did to me?
Speaker 1: Are they sensitive? Because I feel like this is a
Speaker 1: funny conversation to.
Speaker 2: Have, But I also feel like you could be like, hey,
Speaker 2: since we're the ones staying there, when we come visit,
Speaker 2: we'll go have these with you, Like, let's go if.
Speaker 4: Your bestie of in yourself a new mattress.
Speaker 3: Yeah, nine minutes of rhyme is criminal.
Speaker 4: That makes me want to throw I would throw up.
Speaker 4: I'd be so sick from that.
Speaker 5: If I wake up with less than twenty percent of REM,
Speaker 5: it's not a good day.
Speaker 1: I think you get to I think you make it
Speaker 1: seem like it's something serious. Okay, we have to have
Speaker 1: a talk. We love you guys, but we need to talk. WHOA,
Speaker 1: what's going on? Oh my gosh, have you there? They haven't,
Speaker 1: you know they haven't.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think it's I think it's funny. I think you
Speaker 1: make it work.
Speaker 2: You could say, hey, if you're if you don't feel
Speaker 2: good about doing that, can we sleep in your bed
Speaker 2: and y'all can sleep in the trade visit.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I like the idea going in on a
Speaker 1: bed with him done.
Speaker 3: Or just like get some bed bugs and slip them
Speaker 3: in there and be like, oh my gosh, you have
Speaker 3: bed bugs.
Speaker 1: That feels terrible idea?
Speaker 3: How a bad idea?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: We should have ended it online.
Speaker 1: From a Mama to Bee Hi, Becca, Tana Easton and
Speaker 1: Mark Okaya got top billing and Tany was misspelled. So
Speaker 1: I'm the matron of honor and my friend's wedding and
Speaker 1: currently planning her bachelorette party, and I just found out
Speaker 1: I'm pregnant. I'll be about ten weeks a long at
Speaker 1: the bachelorette party, but I'm not sure I want to
Speaker 1: tell anybody at that point. I can hide drinking at
Speaker 1: the Airbnb, but worry how I can manage this at
Speaker 1: the wine tastings I have planned that is more challenging.
Speaker 1: Should I tell the bride and have her help me cover?
Speaker 1: I don't want to make it a big thing and
Speaker 1: be about me, so I'm hesitant. I'll be about thirty
Speaker 1: six weeks pregnant at her wedding, which also makes me nervous.
Speaker 1: What should I do?
Speaker 3: One hundred percent you should tell the bride.
Speaker 2: I definitely think you should tell the bride, and I
Speaker 2: think you just say, hey, I, this is the only
Speaker 2: thing that this that I'm going to tell you that
Speaker 2: will be about me this weekend because I need you
Speaker 2: to know.
Speaker 4: But I she's gonna be so.
Speaker 2: Excited for you, first of all, Yeah, but also just say,
Speaker 2: I'm not ready to tell everybody, so I just want
Speaker 2: you to know why I'm not going to be drinking
Speaker 2: at the wine tastings and you know, help if you
Speaker 2: can help me cover it up without letting anyone know.
Speaker 5: My tasting's a tough one because it's like I'm like
Speaker 5: nobody's really I don't feel like nobody notices that somebody's
Speaker 5: not drinking unless you make a point to be like, no,
Speaker 5: not drinking.
Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of places they maybe have
Speaker 2: non alcoholic wine, like I had a non alcoholic champagne
Speaker 2: or like a maybe they have like a sparkling cider
Speaker 2: or something that you can sip on so it doesn't
Speaker 2: look like just water in a glass.
Speaker 5: Yeah, but yeah, maybe get the wine cellar.
Speaker 2: Yeah, call them and see if they have anything, or
Speaker 2: you bring some of your own and they can serve
Speaker 2: that tea.
Speaker 3: Yeah, just like, hey, I'm pregnant and I haven't told anybody.
Speaker 3: You can help a sister out.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. And she's
Speaker 2: gonna be thirty six weeks at her wedding.
Speaker 5: That makes me notice too, feels very tight. Yeah across
Speaker 5: that bridge when we get there.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, yeah, let's talk in thirty six weeks.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that feel good. Next Mark next time.
Speaker 1: Here we go from anonymous. I've been a lawyer listening
Speaker 1: to your podcast. I appreciate the thoughtful advice you give.
Speaker 1: I related to a listener who recently wrote in about
Speaker 1: struggling to communicate the need for alone time to their partner.
Speaker 1: I'm thirty three, I'm engaged. We've been together six years.
Speaker 1: He has an amazing relationship with my ten year old son.
Speaker 1: We built a great life together. He is loving, he
Speaker 1: always wants to be around me. He's a great communicator.
Speaker 1: I love him so much. But why do I feel
Speaker 1: like he's more into me than I'm into him? Is
Speaker 1: it normal for one person in the relationship to be
Speaker 1: on a higher scale than the other. I value my
Speaker 1: alone time. While he respects that, I don't think he
Speaker 1: truly gets it. I even get excited when he goes
Speaker 1: on work trips so I can have some space. I
Speaker 1: struggle with this nagging thought, and it's exactly what Beca
Speaker 1: said to this previous listener. Maybe he isn't my person.
Speaker 1: The thought of ending this relationship kills me because it
Speaker 1: would ruin our family, and my son would be devastated,
Speaker 1: as well as my friends and family. I feel crazy
Speaker 1: for even half having these thoughts and my overthinking and
Speaker 1: self sabotaging. What is wrong with me? Any advice would
Speaker 1: be appreciated.
Speaker 3: I just have one thing to say.
Speaker 1: Here comes Tana, Here she comes.
Speaker 5: If you're questioning not being in this relationship because it's
Speaker 5: gonna hurt your son and your family, that's momentary versus
Speaker 5: your life, your life, your life, yeah, and your forever.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: With that being said, I think that there's a lot
Speaker 2: of people who would resonate with this. I also don't
Speaker 2: have kids, so I don't know the dynamic of like
Speaker 2: always having a child who is like needing you constantly
Speaker 2: and like you're having to give, give, give, and then
Speaker 2: also having a partner who's like needing a lot from
Speaker 2: you and you're having to give, give, give, So I
Speaker 2: don't know that I really am able to like chime
Speaker 2: in on this. I just feel like I always thought.
Speaker 2: I mean, you can listen to old episodes of the
Speaker 2: podcast where I was like, I want to date someone
Speaker 2: who travels so that I can have my owlone time,
Speaker 2: And now when Haley and I have spent any time
Speaker 2: a part I'm like miserable. So I do know that
Speaker 2: there's a world where you can where you don't feel
Speaker 2: this way.
Speaker 5: I think, yeah, and you're speaking the wrong girl, because
Speaker 5: I need no space.
Speaker 1: Well that's the thing. So I think she would regret
Speaker 1: ending this relationship. I think she's overreacting to these feelings
Speaker 1: she's having. I think everything's actually fine. Patti Rodriguez, remember Patty, Yes,
Speaker 1: she used to work here. She had a theory that
Speaker 1: the healthiest relationships the woman is a no, the guy
Speaker 1: is a little bit more into the woman than vice versa.
Speaker 1: And I think there is something to this theory. I
Speaker 1: think those are the best relationships. I don't know, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I can't explain it, but I think she's right.
Speaker 1: I think it's okay that he's a little bit more
Speaker 1: into you. Now, if that becomes a gap, a big chasm,
Speaker 1: then we got a real problem. But I think it's okay.
Speaker 1: I think everything is okay here. Everything I read on
Speaker 1: this thing is okay. And as long as you're not
Speaker 1: feeling a need to escape the relationship, you just need
Speaker 1: some time every once in a while, I think everything's fine.
Speaker 2: She said, I value my alone time, and while he
Speaker 2: respects that, I don't think he truly understands that. So
Speaker 2: maybe it's a conversation of really explaining to him that
Speaker 2: when you get what you need, which is your time
Speaker 2: by yourself, you're going to be able to give more
Speaker 2: to him and show up better in the relationship. And
Speaker 2: maybe he feel like maybe he's like, oh, yeah, I
Speaker 2: get it, you need your alone time, but like, maybe
Speaker 2: you really solidify what that looks like and block it
Speaker 2: out in your schedule where you have time to where
Speaker 2: you do something just by yourself. Do you think do
Speaker 2: you feel like Robbie's more obsessed with you than you
Speaker 2: are with him, or do you find it to be equal.
Speaker 1: I think you're more obsessed than he is with you.
Speaker 4: Really, I don't.
Speaker 3: I just but you only see me. He's pretty obsessed
Speaker 3: with me.
Speaker 2: I do find him to be pretty obsessed with her,
Speaker 2: like weirdly okay, but so I think we're pretty equally
Speaker 2: obsessed with each other.
Speaker 5: But I feel like I've never been the type of
Speaker 5: person that needs space right just in general, I'm not
Speaker 5: like a space neater when he's out of town, when
Speaker 5: we're apart, I'm not like devastated door cra correct.
Speaker 3: I'm fine. I like, I do enjoy it.
Speaker 5: I'll like sit in a song, I'll do my workouts,
Speaker 5: so I'm not like sad, but I don't like need it,
Speaker 5: Like I'm not like go right right, just not me.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like I.
Speaker 2: Think it's human to enjoy doing your own thing by yourself.
Speaker 2: Like I don't think that that means that he's not
Speaker 2: your person just because you need that time for yourself
Speaker 2: and I I just think that if you're only with
Speaker 2: him because you don't want your son or family or
Speaker 2: friends to be sad, that's something to think about.
Speaker 3: I'm still thinking about Mark's judgment of my relationship.
Speaker 1: I know I'm not.
Speaker 2: I have felt like I always felt that about Tom,
Speaker 2: but then I've seen like the way he responds to
Speaker 2: her text and how he speaks to her and like
Speaker 2: the things that he does, and I'm like, oh, I
Speaker 2: think he's.
Speaker 4: I think it's a very equal obsession.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's just not as vocal.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we don't have a podcast where he talks about it.
Speaker 3: Right, But like I do like say same, Like he'll
Speaker 3: say things and I'm just like what it looks like.
Speaker 2: I would say, yeah, it's it's pretty cute.
Speaker 3: It is pretty cute.
Speaker 1: But I just asked him, so good, how did you
Speaker 1: phrase it?
Speaker 5: Do you think I'm obsessed with you more or you're
Speaker 5: obsessed with me more.
Speaker 4: That's such a great I would say it's equal.
Speaker 2: I would say it's pretty equal. That's what I think
Speaker 2: he's going to say. Okay, what do you all think he's.
Speaker 4: Going to say.
Speaker 6: Yeah, he's going to be like right down the middle.
Speaker 1: I think he's gonna be a new phone.
Speaker 2: Who is I think I'll say fifty to fifty or equal?
Speaker 4: Okay, did we do give you good advice on Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think we did. He's really expert.
Speaker 4: But she's a fiance, so like this.
Speaker 1: Is marry him. We won't regret it. Wow, that's my advice.
Speaker 5: He said, I think it's equal. Mind's more quiet obsession,
Speaker 5: Yours is more blatant.
Speaker 1: Blatant. That's your autobiography right there, Laton really obsessed.
Speaker 3: I've got three dots. I'm not sure if there's more
Speaker 3: than well, you know what.
Speaker 1: We'll find out the rest.
Speaker 4: Right, we're back. Did we get an update?
Speaker 5: We've got an update. So the first part was I
Speaker 5: think it's equal. Mind's more quiet obsession, years is more blatant.
Speaker 5: And he said, like, I don't stare at you while
Speaker 5: we're watching TV, but in my mind, I'm obsessed that
Speaker 5: I just get to lay next to you.
Speaker 4: Oh, I'm so cute.
Speaker 3: I know I can't handle it.
Speaker 1: All right, great, all right, one more? We got two more?
Speaker 3: Last one? Do the last one?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 4: We got two more?
Speaker 3: Oh we do?
Speaker 2: I No.
Speaker 1: I'm asked my husband as a new colleague that I
Speaker 1: am not a fan of if. I met her once
Speaker 1: and she was nice, but my husband told me about
Speaker 1: something else she said to him, and it rubbed me
Speaker 1: the wrong way. At a reason lunch meeting, he went
Speaker 1: to shake her hand, and she responded by saying, oh, no,
Speaker 1: we're on a hug basis now. I told him that
Speaker 1: I would like him to set some boundaries as well
Speaker 1: as not hug her. He said he has, but it's
Speaker 1: hard not to hug her when everyone else in the
Speaker 1: office is hugging. No, I personally don't hug my colleagues,
Speaker 1: but I do understand some people hug after they've known
Speaker 1: each other for some time. Is my request ridiculous?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 2: This is so hard because I totally get her side
Speaker 2: of being like, set the boundaries, But.
Speaker 4: I totally get him being at work being like, I
Speaker 4: can't hug you.
Speaker 3: Right, I'm this girl, I am the hugger girl.
Speaker 2: Me too. I'm a hugger as well, and it makes
Speaker 2: me think I need to be aware of who I'm hugging.
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, yeah, I hug everyone.
Speaker 4: How does he set the boundary now that they've established
Speaker 4: a hug?
Speaker 3: He can't.
Speaker 1: He can't, But also can he just avoid it? Can
Speaker 1: he just be like hey, kind of walk past her,
Speaker 1: like there's nobody's in a hugg but.
Speaker 4: She's like, come here, You're not getting by without a hug.
Speaker 3: No, But you can also be like, oh, I'm a
Speaker 3: little sick fist bump.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Maybe tiny's the huggiest person I know, but she didn't
Speaker 1: hugg me every day. We hug before we leave for Christmas,
Speaker 1: you know, like I'm bra it's not much more than that, Like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to see it for a few weeks,
Speaker 1: have a good time, you know. That sort of thing
Speaker 1: is a no.
Speaker 5: But like not daily at work, but like if if
Speaker 5: we have like a jingle ball or festival, hug you
Speaker 5: when I see you at.
Speaker 1: Like something like that out in the wild.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So it's like.
Speaker 5: Less in the office more if I see you outside
Speaker 5: the office.
Speaker 1: Yes, So I think maybe this will fizzle out because
Speaker 1: she can't keep that forever. Hugging every person every day.
Speaker 2: If she if for whatever reason, the wife's feeling is correct,
Speaker 2: and this woman has ill and and she does make
Speaker 2: an effort to hug him every day, doesn't matter.
Speaker 4: But she doesn't.
Speaker 5: Trust her husband, I mean at the end of the day,
Speaker 5: and like, yeah, there's some certain things he can do.
Speaker 2: You don't think he should be like, hey, like I
Speaker 2: I want to be respectful to my relationship.
Speaker 5: No weird, it would make her look weird to his coworkers.
Speaker 3: I think yes, And I.
Speaker 5: Don't care she doesn't want to have and I don't
Speaker 5: think it's a look that you want your husband to
Speaker 5: have with his colleagues that like, I can't hug you
Speaker 5: because my husband thinks my wife thinks it's weird.
Speaker 2: Okay, So the advice is you try to just avoid it.
Speaker 2: Otherwise you just trust him and know that it's just
Speaker 2: I'll ask.
Speaker 5: Him to just say like, hey, I'm a little sick,
Speaker 5: fist bump and maybe that.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: But also, it doesn't matter what her intentions are. If
Speaker 1: you trust your husband, it doesn't matter if you hug
Speaker 1: you once in a while at work. It's not the
Speaker 1: end of the world. I don't think.
Speaker 4: I mean, I don't know. I think I think men
Speaker 4: are easily seduced to do really yes.
Speaker 2: Really, yes, it's still on him, I know, but if
Speaker 2: he could set the boundary of not hugging someone that
Speaker 2: makes his wife uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: But we should get into that this men are easily seduced.
Speaker 1: That's interesting what you said, because it also puts the
Speaker 1: blame not on him.
Speaker 2: I think it's I think there's equal parties. But I
Speaker 2: think she doesn't care about his The woman coming in
Speaker 2: does not care about.
Speaker 4: His marriage or his wife. True, she doesn't care.
Speaker 1: That might be overstating it. Though she's just a hugger
Speaker 1: like Tanya hugs me. Doesn't mean she doesn't care about
Speaker 1: my wife.
Speaker 2: No, but I'm saying that she's not gonna like think
Speaker 2: about like Tonya is not hugging you, thinking like, oh
Speaker 2: it's Mark's wife.
Speaker 4: She's just like, oh I love Mark, I'm gonna hug Mark.
Speaker 1: Yeah right right.
Speaker 2: So but I'm saying, if there's ill intention in that,
Speaker 2: then she's like I don't.
Speaker 4: Care, like I like this guy.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Fact, wait, I ca I'm in with ill.
Speaker 3: That's the example is me. But let's just go with it.
Speaker 2: But I'm saying, if you're if you were not with
Speaker 2: Robbie and you had ill intentions and you wanted Mark,
Speaker 2: then you coming into hug.
Speaker 4: Mark, what is just would be like you?
Speaker 2: You wouldn't be like, oh no, I'm worried about what
Speaker 2: his wife thinks.
Speaker 4: Facts, you would just be like but it doesn't.
Speaker 1: I don't. I'm just saying, it doesn't matter if the husband,
Speaker 1: If you trust your husband and he's a reliable guy,
Speaker 1: nothing ever as bad as going to happen. People's thoughts
Speaker 1: are people's thoughts.
Speaker 4: Facts, I agree. I'm just saying I there's a lot
Speaker 4: of facts being thrown.
Speaker 1: Out my wife when we first started dating, even I
Speaker 1: was in an improv goog call comedy sports and improv
Speaker 1: people tend to be this way, and so every time
Speaker 1: you showed up for a show, everybody hugged everybody, and
Speaker 1: that took her a minute like, Okay, this is weird
Speaker 1: because she wasn't raised like that, she wasn't like that
Speaker 1: with her friends. So it was bizarre to her that
Speaker 1: every guy and girl in the room got a hug
Speaker 1: when I arrived, and then the next person arrives hug hug, hug,
Speaker 1: zug hugs it's weird. So I understand where she's coming
Speaker 1: from if it's not her way of being, but they
Speaker 1: get too.
Speaker 3: I totally get it. I get the uncomfortableness.
Speaker 1: So your question is not ridiculous. Dance your question.
Speaker 4: No, I don't think you're ridiculous.
Speaker 2: I just think it's an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved.
Speaker 4: Now, yeah, maybe for future people coming in.
Speaker 3: I just say, like germs like it's no.
Speaker 5: I used to be such a hugger before COVID, and
Speaker 5: I feel like since COVID, I've become like way less
Speaker 5: of a hugger.
Speaker 1: Hugging was fine during COVID because your germs are going
Speaker 1: out the back whatever.
Speaker 4: It all just actually felt safer than the handshake.
Speaker 6: Sure did you see on Dancing with the Stars of
Speaker 6: the first episode, the palm moll Horseky I can remember
Speaker 6: his name, but he they showed him in the package
Speaker 6: like the pro was like, I'm a hugger, and he's like,
Speaker 6: I'm a shaker the handout.
Speaker 4: He has a girlfriend, and I like that cool? What
Speaker 4: are your where are your thought?
Speaker 3: No one's watching Dancing with the Time. Although we should,
Speaker 3: I feel.
Speaker 6: I mean, you shouldn't have to hug everybody damn like
Speaker 6: you know, like, uh, just because someone wants to hugg
Speaker 6: he doesn't mean you have to do it.
Speaker 2: Alison said, I I feel weird about Becca and I
Speaker 2: don't want you hugging her.
Speaker 4: And but we had already established that we hug What
Speaker 4: would you do so hard?
Speaker 6: I'd have to say I.
Speaker 1: Was just I was just carefully deflected.
Speaker 6: I guess I wouldn't say I was sick, but I'd
Speaker 6: be like, you come in for the hug, and I'd
Speaker 6: have to put out the fist or.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, it's just weird, like because if he said
Speaker 5: that to you, if he's just like my wife doesn't
Speaker 5: really want me hugging other girls, like.
Speaker 4: I mean, I guess I would be more like, oh,
Speaker 4: I get it. Respect respect her.
Speaker 3: I'd be like, I'm not trying to hit on you.
Speaker 3: Yeah if go maniac.
Speaker 6: If my wife said that, I wouldn't put it on her.
Speaker 6: I'd be like, Hey, I you know I'm not really
Speaker 6: hugging kind of guy.
Speaker 1: Can we.
Speaker 2: Okay? Okay, great, I'm not gonna yeah, all right. We
Speaker 2: didn't pay some one my bad, but we didn't all agree,
Speaker 2: which that helped.
Speaker 4: That hurts with the pacing.
Speaker 1: True, all right, what more from Rico. Firstly, I wanted
Speaker 1: to say, you guys did an amazing job at Epicon.
Speaker 1: I hope there's another crossover with call it what it is. Secondly,
Speaker 1: so obviously, well, we all know if Banya was a
Speaker 1: real human, she would be exuding modern woman energy. But
Speaker 1: what else should we know about her? What does she
Speaker 1: look like? What's her personality? What is her line of work?
Speaker 1: Is she single? Dating? Mary? Divorce? Does she? And the men?
Speaker 1: Women are both can't wait to hear more about Bonya
Speaker 1: the person I love you all? Well we know it's
Speaker 1: a hat.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Bonya has a cone shaped hat on a bonnet
Speaker 2: shaped wool hat. She has brownish blondish hair, is bron
Speaker 2: she's a bronde.
Speaker 3: She's a brond blue eyes. Sure about mid tit length, the.
Speaker 2: Old mid tip mid length, Yeah, yeah, the old md L.
Speaker 3: I'd say she's.
Speaker 4: I would say she's like.
Speaker 2: A dear abby like call uh, she like writes in
Speaker 2: the she's a journalist.
Speaker 3: Oh, journalists to a scientists because she's smart.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, she's a journalist. She's a good writer.
Speaker 4: She gives advice.
Speaker 5: Okay, yeah, fine, she's into men and women's yea into both. Yeah,
Speaker 5: she's uh more about the person.
Speaker 2: She's dating, married or divorced or single dating I would
Speaker 2: say dating too.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's about she has like cool style.
Speaker 4: She's like cool girl.
Speaker 3: She's a cool girl. But she can also get down
Speaker 3: on like sweats.
Speaker 4: Yeah you know nice. Yeah, we got really creative with these.
Speaker 3: And uh.
Speaker 5: She enjoys eyebrow, jel okay and gold hoots and her dogs.
Speaker 3: Loves her dog, loves her dogs.
Speaker 4: She has a and yes, multiple dogs. She has a palm.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Wants children, go either way, either way. Wants to get married.
Speaker 4: But anyway. She's a good gal. She's the best gal. Yeah,
Speaker 4: we have no notes for old Banya.
Speaker 3: Everybody wants to be friends with Bonya.
Speaker 2: Yeah, everyone wants to be they everyone comes to Bonya.
Speaker 5: Yes, she's like the neighbor that everybody borrows sugar from.
Speaker 3: Yes, watches your dog when you leave town.
Speaker 4: Yeah, she's there for you.
Speaker 3: Stalks your ex when you don't need to look. She
Speaker 3: does it all.
Speaker 4: She does it all. That's one thing about Bonya.
Speaker 3: And that's one thing about her.
Speaker 2: Bonnie Oh yeah, Bonnie for short, well not for short,
Speaker 2: that's just her nickname.
Speaker 5: For sure.
Speaker 4: That should be your grandma name.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I like it. It's cute.
Speaker 4: Sister. Oh no, what was that so called.
Speaker 6: Buying Secrets of the Sister.
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know what.
Speaker 4: Really came out quick. Well, that's it for this week.
Speaker 2: You guys and girls, we love you so much and
Speaker 2: we hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Speaker 3: Yes, we love you, Love you.