WEBVTT - Brace For Impact 0:00:02.160 --> 0:00:05.640 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Needrick Glover to wib and 0:00:05.760 --> 0:00:11.440 you need to hear this. I remember my grandmother past gosh. 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:16.880 I must have been in fourth grade, and her loss 0:00:17.040 --> 0:00:23.000 in the family created so many shifts and relationships. It's 0:00:23.079 --> 0:00:26.000 often alarming how much someone is the glue and we 0:00:26.120 --> 0:00:31.200 not know it. Before that grandmother passed. That was, you know, 0:00:31.560 --> 0:00:35.120 my mom's mom. My father's mom died a few years 0:00:35.159 --> 0:00:39.080 before that. And I hear people saying how much things 0:00:39.159 --> 0:00:45.800 were never the same. These relationships were almost maintained or 0:00:46.560 --> 0:00:51.040 buffered by this other person being there. I have a 0:00:51.080 --> 0:00:54.600 really funny memory, We'll not funny, but a really interesting 0:00:54.680 --> 0:00:58.720 memory around this time. So my family is from Tuskegee, Alabama, 0:00:59.400 --> 0:01:02.800 and when my grandmother passed, we went from Detroit to 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:08.320 tusky Yee, Alabama for her funeral service, and my grandfather 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:11.959 was there. And I swear to you, mind you, I'm 0:01:12.000 --> 0:01:15.240 like in fourth grade. It felt like the first time 0:01:15.680 --> 0:01:20.400 meeting my grandfather. I don't even remember him before this point. 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:24.520 Now you're talking about a person who spent summers in Alabama, 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:27.600 whose grandparents would come visit. But it was like I 0:01:27.680 --> 0:01:33.399 had no recollection of his personality. Because my grandmother was 0:01:33.440 --> 0:01:37.000 this figure that really owned the space, the person that 0:01:37.040 --> 0:01:40.800 I had like this relationship with, and when she left, 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:43.840 it was like, oh my gosh, like there's someone else 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:46.560 who lives here. How didn't I notice this? I mean, 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:51.160 it seems so weird to be able to have such 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:54.360 a powerful figure in our life and our families that 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:58.640 when this person passes away, we start to, you know, 0:01:58.760 --> 0:02:02.560 maybe notice other relationships or even pull away from those 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:08.399 relationships because they created like this buffering effect, or they 0:02:08.440 --> 0:02:12.840 brought everyone together. They help minimize or you know, whatever 0:02:12.880 --> 0:02:16.040 that thing is. And I would say that many many 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:20.880 years later, my family feels the impact of my grandmother's 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:22.960 you know, on my father's side, and a grandmother on 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:27.320 my mother's side not being in those families because the 0:02:27.400 --> 0:02:32.680 relationships were impacted in a way that the people who 0:02:32.720 --> 0:02:35.919 were left behind we just haven't been able to recover. 0:02:36.440 --> 0:02:38.880 We didn't have the tools, we didn't have the skills. 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:43.680 And so, you know, in some ways, how wonderful, you know, 0:02:43.800 --> 0:02:47.320 to have that person who had this this spirit, who 0:02:47.400 --> 0:02:51.840 was able to be a connector. But also how sad 0:02:52.480 --> 0:02:56.440 that we no longer have that force in our lives 0:02:56.560 --> 0:03:00.480 to be able to make sense of these other relationships 0:03:00.520 --> 0:03:04.200 for us. Now, this story didn't come out of the blue. 0:03:04.320 --> 0:03:07.880 In today's letter, we will be talking to a caller 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:12.080 who is experiencing the loss of their father and still 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:16.480 in relationship with their mother. And as they're in this relationship, 0:03:16.520 --> 0:03:19.200 it's not like these problems are new, but you know, 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:22.600 we start to notice people or notice them more because 0:03:23.120 --> 0:03:27.400 this other person is absent. So you know, as I 0:03:27.480 --> 0:03:33.359 mentioned earlier, some people leave such a significant space that 0:03:33.600 --> 0:03:38.400 it really impacts those other relationships. So let's start listening 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:39.280 to today's letter. 0:03:40.600 --> 0:03:45.320 Dear missus Dewob, My father recently passed away less than 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:48.600 one year ago. He did everything for my mother, who 0:03:48.600 --> 0:03:51.760 stayed at home for the entire course of their marriage. 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:54.480 They were married for almost forty five years and my 0:03:54.560 --> 0:03:58.120 father managed everything in the household short of daily chores. 0:03:59.120 --> 0:04:01.480 He was sick for the extended period of time, and 0:04:01.520 --> 0:04:04.360 my mother bore the brunt dealing with my father's illness. 0:04:04.920 --> 0:04:07.760 I am an only child, so since his passing, I 0:04:07.800 --> 0:04:10.240 have been helping as much as I can with helping 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:13.920 her with technology and taking ownership of doing all the things, 0:04:14.160 --> 0:04:16.960 and have been intentional to call her every day and 0:04:17.000 --> 0:04:20.040 give her opportunities to participate in activities with me and 0:04:20.080 --> 0:04:23.800 my son. Even before my father got sick, my mother 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:26.800 has always been judgmental and sort of limited in her 0:04:26.800 --> 0:04:31.440 worldview without getting too political, she is very left and 0:04:31.560 --> 0:04:35.120 often makes comments about those with other viewpoints. She also, 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:38.080 since I was a young girl, has said comments related 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:41.159 to my body image and lifestyle that have been triggering, 0:04:41.279 --> 0:04:44.359 as this generation might call it. She routinely says things 0:04:44.360 --> 0:04:47.920 that really get under my skin. When my dad was around, 0:04:47.920 --> 0:04:50.000 I was able to limit my time with her and 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:53.240 situations that involve a lot of sharing. Now that my 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:55.760 father is gone, I find it hard to set boundaries 0:04:55.760 --> 0:04:58.159 with her. I feel sort of guilty that I do 0:04:58.240 --> 0:04:59.800 not want to spend a lot of time with her. 0:05:00.440 --> 0:05:03.040 But at the same time, she routinely makes comments about 0:05:03.040 --> 0:05:07.440 my wait, household, or political comments that are hurtful or confrontational. 0:05:08.680 --> 0:05:13.120 In our relationships with others, as we are doing what 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:17.680 we think is required, we have to wonder is this 0:05:17.880 --> 0:05:23.520 even necessary? Have we been, you know, maybe directly or 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:27.800 in some informal way, asks can you give me a 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:31.039 call every day? Because you know, maybe we feel like 0:05:31.279 --> 0:05:35.560 that's what I should do. As the only child, that's 0:05:35.600 --> 0:05:39.640 what my mother's expectation is. But has that been stated. 0:05:40.200 --> 0:05:43.400 Is it actually a need for you to do that thing? 0:05:44.640 --> 0:05:47.799 We can show up and be really healthy with others 0:05:48.160 --> 0:05:51.200 when we're doing so out of love and not out 0:05:51.240 --> 0:05:57.279 of obligation. So I just wonder what feels comfortable. Perhaps 0:05:57.360 --> 0:06:01.839 comfortable is talking every other day, talking once a week. 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:05.520 But I tell you what, talking to people who, as 0:06:05.560 --> 0:06:11.120 you say, trigger you daily, that is going to cause 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:16.039 a lot of mental and emotional issues. So is there 0:06:16.040 --> 0:06:18.680 a space for us to be in relationship with people? 0:06:18.720 --> 0:06:21.279 But maybe not as much as we think we have 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:26.240 to be. Maybe there's some room for choice. I was 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:30.000 recently talking to someone who was, you know, sharing how 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:34.760 much their parent complains about health issues and other family 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:38.800 members and being unhappy. And at the end of it, 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:41.720 I said, well, who calls who? And they said, well, 0:06:41.760 --> 0:06:45.160 I call them? And I said, you call a person 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:49.800 to be complained to every day. It sounds like you 0:06:49.880 --> 0:06:52.360 have some choice in the matter. It's not hey, I'm 0:06:52.360 --> 0:06:55.520 not going to talk to this person because they're always complaining. 0:06:55.560 --> 0:06:59.479 But you might not want to initiate a conversation where 0:06:59.480 --> 0:07:02.920 there's planning. It might look like, you know, maybe I'll 0:07:02.960 --> 0:07:05.920 just pull back a little bit. Maybe I'll shift the 0:07:05.960 --> 0:07:09.120 tone of the conversation by starting with a topic and 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:12.200 not waiting for them to come in with their stuff. 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:15.920 You know, sometimes asking a person how you're doing invites 0:07:15.960 --> 0:07:19.240 a certain type of conversation that might be a question 0:07:19.360 --> 0:07:22.800 that you want to shy away from. You know, even 0:07:23.400 --> 0:07:27.080 asking your mother have you watched the news? That could 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:31.000 be an invitation for her to talk about politics, saying 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:34.600 things like, oh, my gosh, you know any any sort 0:07:34.640 --> 0:07:38.000 of thing it's it's so such and such outside. If 0:07:38.040 --> 0:07:42.200 you notice that these are like trigger phrases or scenarios 0:07:42.280 --> 0:07:45.680 where she really gets into and yes, so the president. 0:07:46.160 --> 0:07:48.760 You know, if she takes it back there with certain things, 0:07:49.120 --> 0:07:50.960 you may have to figure out some new things to 0:07:51.040 --> 0:07:55.000 talk about, so you're not inviting that sort of conversation 0:07:55.200 --> 0:07:59.440 with your mom. What sort of things create the most 0:07:59.480 --> 0:08:04.440 minimal amount of conflict and conversation maybe make a little 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:08.520 less when we talk about these things. This typically goes well. 0:08:08.960 --> 0:08:11.720 If I bring this up, she goes off on a 0:08:11.760 --> 0:08:15.920 path that is unbearable. So being clear about these are 0:08:15.920 --> 0:08:18.920 topics I can talk about, and these are topics that 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:22.200 I need to shy away from could be very helpful 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:25.440 when you're talking to a person who has like a 0:08:25.560 --> 0:08:29.160 topic that they like to stick to. I hear you 0:08:29.280 --> 0:08:31.760 saying when my dad was around, I was able to 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:36.160 limit my time with her and situations that involve a 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:40.400 lot of sharing. You know, as I mentioned in the opening, 0:08:41.000 --> 0:08:43.720 it was amazing to me that I had not even 0:08:44.200 --> 0:08:48.440 noticed my grandfather. That's how much time I was spending 0:08:48.520 --> 0:08:51.640 with my grandmother. And when I think really, really, really 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:55.720 deeply about it, I do remember a figure before then, 0:08:56.160 --> 0:09:01.240 but it wasn't as clear as this person who I 0:09:01.400 --> 0:09:04.880 enjoyed spending time with, who you know, would pinch my 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:07.800 little cheeks, who would give me extra little treats, and 0:09:07.880 --> 0:09:10.520 you know, all of these things like that was such 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:14.599 a profound relationship that I was able to drown out 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:18.080 these other scenarios. So that does happen with us that 0:09:18.160 --> 0:09:22.160 we feel this you know, strong connection who we're able 0:09:22.240 --> 0:09:25.280 to sit in these situations with the other people around 0:09:25.360 --> 0:09:29.520 and kind of ignore them. And once this figure is 0:09:29.600 --> 0:09:32.320 removed from our life, it's like we have no choice 0:09:32.360 --> 0:09:35.760 but to recognize this other person, like, oh wait, you 0:09:35.840 --> 0:09:39.760 talk this much, this is what you talk about. It 0:09:39.800 --> 0:09:43.960 can be very you know, jarring and shocking. So you know, 0:09:44.000 --> 0:09:46.520 it sounds like your mom is just able to be 0:09:47.160 --> 0:09:50.360 herself a bit more often because you don't have your 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:56.040 father there to facilitate some of those conversations. Let's take 0:09:56.040 --> 0:09:58.560 a quick break and we'll listen when we get back. 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:06.440 For instance, the last time I was with her, she said, 0:10:06.880 --> 0:10:09.080 I would love to help you clean your house this summer, 0:10:09.360 --> 0:10:11.480 as I know it must be overwhelming to have a 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:15.080 kitchen with stuff on the cabinets. She also is very 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:18.240 fortunate to not have to worry about money. My husband 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:21.360 and I are the typical dual income household that, once 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:24.559 bills are paid, have no savings left. When I made 0:10:24.559 --> 0:10:27.760 a comment about how even groceries are expensive, she told 0:10:27.800 --> 0:10:29.880 me that maybe I could go to a food pantry 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:32.520 once or twice a month, as they are open to everyone. 0:10:33.080 --> 0:10:37.040 That really made me upset. I suggested she begin volunteering 0:10:37.080 --> 0:10:39.839 to fill her time, and after one day volunteering in 0:10:39.920 --> 0:10:43.360 a pantry, this was her comment to me. She also 0:10:43.400 --> 0:10:46.560 brings up my ex husband and the bad choices I made. 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:49.400 I should note I am now in a loving marriage 0:10:49.520 --> 0:10:53.640 with an adorable, precious toddler. I must share that I 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:56.160 work in two offices, and my husband works out of 0:10:56.160 --> 0:10:58.120 town five days a week and I have a four 0:10:58.200 --> 0:11:01.800 year old other than day. I have never had help, 0:11:02.120 --> 0:11:04.600 as my mother and father were not able or in 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:08.679 some cases willing to assist me. I have envy of 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:11.160 many of my mom friends who get a weekend off 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:14.800 or have help on the weekend from their parents. If anything, 0:11:15.040 --> 0:11:17.800 having my mother around with my son is double the work. 0:11:18.360 --> 0:11:21.440 She does not jump into help at all. She routinely 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:24.319 says how bored she is, but when I suggest opportunities 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:26.960 for her to do things with her grandson, she's never 0:11:27.360 --> 0:11:31.800 that bored. 0:11:32.200 --> 0:11:36.960 When we have issues with a person, almost anything they 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:41.679 say to us can be considered an annoying statement. I 0:11:41.720 --> 0:11:47.400 have found myself irritated by the smallest of things when 0:11:47.480 --> 0:11:50.120 there is already some issue with a person. I mean, 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:52.600 it could be as do you have chapstick? It's like, 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:54.760 are you saying my lips are chap Oh no, you're not, 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:58.120 Like I can't believe you know. Your mind goes into 0:11:58.200 --> 0:12:02.720 this space and sometimes people are being passive aggressive. Sometimes 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:06.840 they're trying to make a mean comment, or they're actually 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:10.559 trying to be helpful right by saying, have you considered 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:13.360 going to a food pantry. You know, I know that 0:12:13.440 --> 0:12:17.160 they help people who are having some financial struggles. Right, 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:20.960 have you maybe thought about this other thing, like, perhaps 0:12:21.040 --> 0:12:22.880 if it wasn't your mom, you would be able to 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:26.760 receive that information. Perhaps if you didn't have these challenges 0:12:26.840 --> 0:12:29.960 with her, you could hear that information and not be 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:35.320 so offended. But because the relationship is already fragile, it's 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:39.280 like even a belch could really throw this thing off. 0:12:39.400 --> 0:12:42.719 So being clear that you know, maybe there are some 0:12:43.320 --> 0:12:47.280 challenges in the relationship that impact me being able to 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:51.880 hear anything from this person, And there may also be 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:54.720 space for you to talk to your mom about the 0:12:54.800 --> 0:12:58.280 spirit in what she says thing or the language she 0:12:58.559 --> 0:13:02.719 uses to describe things. I would love to help you 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:05.640 clean your house this summer, as I know it must 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:09.520 be overwhelming to have a kitchen with stuff on the cabinets. 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:12.960 You know, I think the problem in that sentence is 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:16.400 the latter part of the sentence, right, I would love 0:13:16.480 --> 0:13:19.080 to help you clean your house this summer, as I 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:24.080 know it must be overwhelming. Was enough to add to 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:27.479 it to have a kitchen with stuff on the cabinets. 0:13:27.880 --> 0:13:31.000 That's the part that's like a little too much detail, 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:33.720 so to be able to say to a person like, hey, 0:13:34.320 --> 0:13:38.040 I think I understand that you were going somewhere positive 0:13:38.200 --> 0:13:41.199 with this. You were trying to be helpful, you were 0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:44.520 trying to think of a solution for me. But this 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:48.720 is where it became offensive when you added these other 0:13:48.840 --> 0:13:53.280 words to that already complete sentence. You added some words 0:13:53.320 --> 0:13:56.880 that were really offensive. And if you want to be hopeful, 0:13:57.000 --> 0:14:00.960 perhaps there's a way to say it. Perhaps there is 0:14:01.000 --> 0:14:04.920 a spirit in whish to communicate that you're trying to 0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:08.880 be hopeful and not harmful. I want to sit with 0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:13.000 this just a minute. You have identified that you're having 0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:17.200 some envy, and the envy is around having a mother 0:14:17.280 --> 0:14:21.560 who is present in your home but not present in 0:14:21.640 --> 0:14:26.400 that grandparenting relationship with your child. So if I just 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:32.160 paint a picture there, she sees that you are alone 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:35.840 for five days a week and you're parenting, and that 0:14:36.640 --> 0:14:40.640 you are trying to work and you're trying to parent, 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:44.280 and that you're overwhelmed to the point of needing some 0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:47.160 assistance with your house. And when she comes to visit, 0:14:48.160 --> 0:14:51.040 she's just sitting there. She has nothing to do. She 0:14:51.160 --> 0:14:54.760 can't think of a pillow to fluff, a laundry, to do, 0:14:55.440 --> 0:14:59.360 a meal, to cook, or anything else. She's just watching 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:05.120 you sort of struggle with this. I hear a bit 0:15:05.160 --> 0:15:10.800 of sadness in there to not have that expectation met. 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:14.840 But here you are in a situation where you're highly 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:18.760 considering her needs to be in contact. You're, oh, my gosh, 0:15:18.840 --> 0:15:21.040 I have to call her every day because she's alone 0:15:21.200 --> 0:15:25.760 and she's sitting and watching you have needs and she's 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:30.560 unwilling to help. She's not jumping in to facilitate an 0:15:30.640 --> 0:15:37.760 easier parenting experience for you, even when you're suggesting it, Hey, 0:15:38.040 --> 0:15:40.040 here are some things you can do with your grandson. 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:43.680 She's like, Nope, can't do that. That is challenging to 0:15:43.800 --> 0:15:46.880 watch as a parent because you're watching her impact that 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:52.320 relationship with your grandchild, and you're also watching as she 0:15:52.400 --> 0:15:55.400 impacts the relationship with you. Because these are not things 0:15:55.400 --> 0:15:58.080 that you will forget. It sounds like these are things 0:15:58.160 --> 0:16:04.000 that you're really adding to this scenario of you know, 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:07.600 mom is offending me. Mom is always talking about this 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:10.920 political stuff. Mom is not helpful. Mom? Is this? Mom? 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:13.680 Is that? Mom? Is this? Mama? Is that? Have you 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:19.160 taken a moment to be angry? You know, A really 0:16:19.200 --> 0:16:23.080 hard thing to realize sometimes is that it can be 0:16:23.160 --> 0:16:25.800 really hard for us to realize that we are sad. 0:16:27.080 --> 0:16:31.720 We are sad about the parent in which we don't have, 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:37.760 the parent that you have to do life with. As 0:16:37.800 --> 0:16:43.080 you watch your peers be in situations that sound more ideal, 0:16:44.680 --> 0:16:48.360 you're unable to even tap into that. There's no you know, 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:50.640 it's one thing. If you're like, oh my gosh, this 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:53.360 person they got a new car, and I can work 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:55.840 really hard to get a similar car or better car, 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:59.360 it's like, that's one thing. But when you're not able 0:16:59.560 --> 0:17:02.280 to get something like it, just it's not going to 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:05.080 happen for you. It's not in the cards. It's not 0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:09.919 possible with this parent. That's a whole another level of grief. 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:13.520 I want to add this to your grief. I think 0:17:13.560 --> 0:17:16.800 you're grieving more than one thing. I think you're grieving 0:17:16.840 --> 0:17:19.720 the loss of your father, and I think you are 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:25.360 grieving the type of parent that you think you deserve 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:31.959 versus the one that you have to be in relationship with, 0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:38.480 someone who requires something that they don't offer, or requires 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:42.840 a certain level of care from you that you are 0:17:42.960 --> 0:17:47.240 not prepared to give. It can be really frustrating. So 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:50.520 as I'm listening to this, and I know that you're 0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:54.199 you know, you're in this loving marriage and you have 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:57.720 this adorable child. So I'm hearing that there is some happiness, 0:17:57.760 --> 0:18:01.399 there is some joy, there is some feeld met. But 0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:04.199 then on the other side, you have this relationship with 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:06.840 your mom and you're still grieving the loss of your father. 0:18:07.000 --> 0:18:10.320 I wonder if you, as an only child, if you 0:18:10.400 --> 0:18:13.960 have a space to talk through some of these things, 0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:17.520 to talk about your disappointments, to talk about how hard 0:18:17.640 --> 0:18:21.760 it is to watch your mother not be a good grandparent, 0:18:21.920 --> 0:18:25.560 how hard it is to have to help your mom 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:30.320 because you're her only person. Now, there may be some 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:33.439 free resources for this, because I don't want you to 0:18:33.560 --> 0:18:35.320 go down a path of you have to go to 0:18:35.359 --> 0:18:37.720 therapy or you have to pay for this other service. 0:18:37.800 --> 0:18:41.840 I think there may be some resources in your area 0:18:42.560 --> 0:18:46.080 for caretakers, because that's what you are at this point. 0:18:46.119 --> 0:18:48.960 You're a caretaker. You're caring for your mom. Now, is 0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:52.680 your mom incapacitated, Is she not able to, you know, 0:18:52.760 --> 0:18:56.480 take care of herself. No, but you are doing what 0:18:56.520 --> 0:19:00.119 a caretaker does. And so I wonder if there is 0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:04.160 is a group or a support system that you can 0:19:04.240 --> 0:19:08.240 tap into to help you have some support around this issue, 0:19:08.240 --> 0:19:11.240 because it's going to be very frustrating when the only 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:14.399 person you could talk to about this is yourself or 0:19:14.440 --> 0:19:16.920 a bunch of people who really don't understand because they're 0:19:16.960 --> 0:19:19.720 not in the same situation. As you mentioned, a lot 0:19:19.760 --> 0:19:23.840 of your mom friends, they're enjoying their weekends every once 0:19:23.880 --> 0:19:27.120 in a while, right, And so you are the person 0:19:27.320 --> 0:19:30.679 in this situation, and so I do wonder, you know, 0:19:30.800 --> 0:19:34.600 how do you find some support around this. If you 0:19:34.720 --> 0:19:38.639 can't find a group locally, there could be a Facebook 0:19:38.640 --> 0:19:41.639 group for this. There could be you know, maybe a 0:19:41.720 --> 0:19:46.080 person who you know is having this a similar situation, 0:19:46.520 --> 0:19:49.400 and those relationships don't have to all be about this, 0:19:49.840 --> 0:19:52.840 but just being able from time to time. You don't 0:19:52.840 --> 0:19:54.919 want to create a trauma bi right, where all you 0:19:54.960 --> 0:19:56.880 talk about is oh and they did this, and oh 0:19:56.920 --> 0:20:00.200 and they did that. You don't want that. But from 0:20:00.200 --> 0:20:03.840 time to time it does help to have a person 0:20:04.560 --> 0:20:08.920 who can just hold space and listen to you share 0:20:09.040 --> 0:20:14.040 about this very challenging dynamic you're in now with that 0:20:14.880 --> 0:20:19.040 grief support. You know, the situation with your mom might 0:20:19.080 --> 0:20:21.439 be a little unique, but there may be more people 0:20:21.440 --> 0:20:25.480 who've lost a parent who you can talk to about 0:20:25.520 --> 0:20:29.080 the things that you're grieving around the loss of your 0:20:29.119 --> 0:20:31.880 father and what that looks like day to day, and 0:20:31.920 --> 0:20:35.040 how you're having to show up with your mother in 0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:40.000 this new and different way. As you are moving through 0:20:40.040 --> 0:20:44.840 this relationship with your mom, you have to notice that 0:20:44.920 --> 0:20:48.000 you are now a caretaker of too. It's your four 0:20:48.080 --> 0:20:51.040 year old and it's your mom. It sounds like like you're, 0:20:51.119 --> 0:20:54.880 you know, embracing your mom as this person that you're 0:20:54.960 --> 0:20:58.879 now there for in a way, and you have to 0:20:58.920 --> 0:21:02.800 make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Caretakers need care. 0:21:04.520 --> 0:21:08.359 You cannot give what you are not giving to yourself. So, 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:12.720 although there's this obligation to be in contact with her, 0:21:12.800 --> 0:21:16.440 war you may want to create some rituals to practice 0:21:16.480 --> 0:21:19.760 before you call and tap into her energy. You may 0:21:19.800 --> 0:21:23.639 want to create some things to do after you're in 0:21:23.760 --> 0:21:27.120 contact with her, so that you're having some separation from 0:21:27.160 --> 0:21:30.000 those events and then back to yourself and then back 0:21:30.080 --> 0:21:33.880 to your toddler. You have a lot of caring that 0:21:33.960 --> 0:21:36.800 you're doing, and so you'll have to weave in some 0:21:37.000 --> 0:21:41.280 ways to really take care of yourself. Let's listen some more. 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:44.920 I'm also missing my father, and while feeling guilty about 0:21:44.920 --> 0:21:48.320 feeling resentful and hurt by my mother's many comments that 0:21:48.400 --> 0:21:51.720 have escalated since the passing of my father, her whole 0:21:51.880 --> 0:21:55.880 energy is anxious, sad, depressed, and I know she's going 0:21:55.920 --> 0:22:00.800 through tremendous grief, so boundary setting is tricky. Her energy 0:22:00.880 --> 0:22:05.080 dreams me completely and I dread interactions with her. Maybe 0:22:05.160 --> 0:22:07.240 I am depressed as well, but I know that when 0:22:07.240 --> 0:22:11.520 someone is toxic, limiting time can be helpful. How do 0:22:11.600 --> 0:22:14.280 I handle supporting my mother but also deal with their 0:22:14.359 --> 0:22:17.280 negativity and rude comments? Thank you? 0:22:20.400 --> 0:22:25.160 I typically don't have any tips on developing tougher skin 0:22:25.280 --> 0:22:28.000 for men behavior, and I get that a lot, like 0:22:28.040 --> 0:22:30.879 how do I accept this person saying these bad things 0:22:30.880 --> 0:22:34.080 about me? And it's like, you know, I don't know 0:22:34.200 --> 0:22:38.000 if we should be tough enough that we can withstand, 0:22:38.600 --> 0:22:42.359 you know, the punch of someone saying a mean thing. Instead, 0:22:43.160 --> 0:22:45.320 it can be really helpful, as you stated, to live 0:22:45.359 --> 0:22:48.520 in our contact. But also we have to let people 0:22:48.600 --> 0:22:51.320 know how they make us feel. And that might be 0:22:51.480 --> 0:22:56.680 as simple as saying that was a mean comment. Wow, 0:22:56.760 --> 0:23:00.240 that really hurt my feelings. It would be helpful if 0:23:00.880 --> 0:23:03.439 when you saw me doing X, Y and Z, you 0:23:03.480 --> 0:23:07.199 stood up to help me. So even calling it to 0:23:07.640 --> 0:23:12.800 her attention can feel more relieving for you, even if 0:23:12.800 --> 0:23:15.080 she doesn't do anything about it. It's not all in 0:23:15.119 --> 0:23:17.440 your head. It's not I should have done I can't 0:23:17.480 --> 0:23:20.359 believe she did this. It's like I stood up for myself. 0:23:21.320 --> 0:23:24.159 She said this thing, and I set this thing back. 0:23:24.880 --> 0:23:27.040 You know, when she said, oh, you need to go 0:23:27.119 --> 0:23:30.760 to a food bank, I had a corrective statement for 0:23:30.800 --> 0:23:34.240 her where I said, you know, although we may seem 0:23:34.359 --> 0:23:36.920 like you know, we could benefit from a food bank, 0:23:36.960 --> 0:23:39.239 we still make too much money to go there and 0:23:39.280 --> 0:23:42.200 that resource is not for us. But you know, when 0:23:42.240 --> 0:23:46.800 you make comments like that, it certainly shows that you're 0:23:46.880 --> 0:23:51.040 trying to be helpful, but it's also very hurtful with 0:23:51.200 --> 0:23:55.080 the way that you're communicating this help right, So just 0:23:55.240 --> 0:23:59.360 letting her know in these moments what's sort of happening 0:23:59.760 --> 0:24:02.800 in your head with these situations, and maybe you know 0:24:02.840 --> 0:24:04.879 it takes a few hours or a few days for 0:24:04.920 --> 0:24:06.560 you to think about it and then come back to 0:24:06.640 --> 0:24:09.320 it and say like, oh, this is how I felt 0:24:09.359 --> 0:24:12.680 about this thing. And it's okay to maybe say it later, 0:24:13.040 --> 0:24:15.719 but to say it because it sounds like you are 0:24:15.840 --> 0:24:20.000 in this grieving space together, and it's not okay to 0:24:20.080 --> 0:24:23.800 be mean to people. And so when people are being mean, 0:24:24.720 --> 0:24:27.800 it's quite okay to let them know you're being mean. 0:24:28.359 --> 0:24:34.040 That's not nice. That statement hurt my feelings. We shouldn't 0:24:34.080 --> 0:24:37.680 make excuses for them because they're anxious, sad or depressed. 0:24:38.080 --> 0:24:41.119 You know, people are always going through things, and that's 0:24:41.240 --> 0:24:44.919 not a reason to mistreat others. So even if that 0:24:45.119 --> 0:24:48.280 is the case, you can let them know how you feel. Now, 0:24:48.320 --> 0:24:51.479 I will say that with depression, one of the signs 0:24:51.520 --> 0:24:54.040 that I don't think we talk about enough is anger. 0:24:55.040 --> 0:24:57.840 You know, there are lots of folks who when they 0:24:57.920 --> 0:25:02.000 experience depression, they do become more angry, They do get moody, 0:25:02.080 --> 0:25:04.360 they are a little more aggressive, they do make mean 0:25:04.480 --> 0:25:10.159 comments because they're sad. They're sad and they're frustrated and 0:25:10.200 --> 0:25:13.800