Speaker 1: Gentlemen, we all got mommy issues in some form of fashion.
Speaker 2: That ass well. Being a mom of four boys, I'm
Speaker 2: hyper sensitive about trying to avoid raising who will be
Speaker 2: young men or men with mommy issues. Hey, I'm Kadeen
Speaker 2: and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 3: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 2: Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Speaker 3: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: And one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 3: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 3: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 3: is a term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts
Speaker 1: one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
Speaker 1: the truth.
Speaker 3: We about to take Billows off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: Story time, So I'm gonna take you guys back to
Speaker 1: twenty eighteen. This is when we had the three boys.
Speaker 1: Kyra and Kas were two under two, and Kay and
Speaker 1: I were just all over the place. This is when
Speaker 1: we were at the peak of beginning to be quote
Speaker 1: unquote influencers. You know, we were speaking at so many
Speaker 1: different events, we were filming, we were traveling like twice
Speaker 1: a month, and we needed a lot of help. And
Speaker 1: my dad called us said he I just want to
Speaker 1: talk to you guys about something. And anytime my father
Speaker 1: calls me to tell me he wants to talk to
Speaker 1: me about something, I know he's speaking on someone's behalf
Speaker 1: because he's never that upfront about speaking to me about
Speaker 1: what his issues are.
Speaker 3: So I was like, what's up.
Speaker 1: He was just like, well, your mom kind of feels
Speaker 1: a way because you know, number one, when y'all say
Speaker 1: y'all coming to our house, you don't say scooping Nana's house.
Speaker 3: You say scoops house. So I was like, okay, you
Speaker 3: know it's fair. I get it. It's both your house,
Speaker 3: I get it. What else? She also feels a way.
Speaker 1: That when you guys come to Canarsie, you take the
Speaker 1: kids to Kay's parents' house as opposed to bringing them
Speaker 1: to our house. And I immediately got defensive because I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: they ask for the kids, and he was like, well,
Speaker 1: your mom is trying not to be an overbearing mom
Speaker 1: because you know, that's Kay's mom and she should be
Speaker 1: here and and I immediately was just like, well, when
Speaker 1: we had all of the kids, it was Kay's mom
Speaker 1: and grandma who came here the most to help. And
Speaker 1: it became a back and forth, And in that moment,
Speaker 1: I realized like, well, the back and forth isn't really
Speaker 1: between me and my pops. It's between me and my
Speaker 1: fault my mom. So I should go speak to my
Speaker 1: mom about it. So I ended up speaking to my mom.
Speaker 1: During that conversation, I learned a lot about my mom,
Speaker 1: but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself and
Speaker 1: opening up to her to tell her how the things
Speaker 1: that she had dated in order to kind of help
Speaker 1: us and our relationship affected me. And it was helpful
Speaker 1: because I had never said these things out loud, So
Speaker 1: since I had never said these things out loud, I
Speaker 1: didn't realize how much it bothered me. And having that
Speaker 1: conversation with my mom and learning why she made decisions
Speaker 1: but also realizing how her decisions made me feel a
Speaker 1: way made me realize that I grew up with mammy
Speaker 1: issues all right.
Speaker 2: Karaoke time so we couldn't even.
Speaker 3: Choose between.
Speaker 1: Songs about Mama, because you know, you know, the first
Speaker 1: thing is in mama, right.
Speaker 2: You should be Mama.
Speaker 4: You know I love you, And then dear Mama, lead dune,
Speaker 4: you know I love you, sweet dear Mama.
Speaker 2: And then of course my people, thank you Mama for
Speaker 2: the nine months you're carrying me all the pain and suffer.
Speaker 2: And then lastly, always the mom.
Speaker 3: Mom, she's my favorite girl.
Speaker 1: Hey, hey, hey, all right, so we're gonna take a
Speaker 1: quick break after I Metley. I'm tired after the medley
Speaker 1: of Mama songs, and we're gonna pay some bills when
Speaker 1: we come back. We get into these mommy issues a
Speaker 1: lot if a gentlemen don't realize that we have all.
Speaker 2: Right now, we'll be back, all right, So back to
Speaker 2: story time. That was interesting, how a conversation that started
Speaker 2: with you kind of trying to, I guess, kind of
Speaker 2: check your mom in a sense, I was my father
Speaker 2: brought it to me, right, But then when you had
Speaker 2: to go speak to your mom about it, because you
Speaker 2: said there was a kind of a back and forth
Speaker 2: between with you and your dad, and then you were
Speaker 2: probably like knowing you, of course knowing you that I
Speaker 2: was gonna get to the source, and you probably were like, Damn,
Speaker 2: I gotta check my mama. This is how she feels. Yes,
Speaker 2: you know, I want to know how she feels. Right.
Speaker 2: So it's interesting for you to then see how that
Speaker 2: propelled you into acknowledging or even realizing that you did
Speaker 2: have underlying issues with your mom, Which is crazy because
Speaker 2: I look at your mom, and this is from the
Speaker 2: outside looking in, and I'm sure you can probably attest
Speaker 2: to it that she was a great mom or she
Speaker 2: is a great mom. So nothing about your mother ever
Speaker 2: made me feel like, dam like there's a deficit here,
Speaker 2: or there's a boy that de Val has because of
Speaker 2: his mom. But I think we's fare to say we all,
Speaker 2: to an extent have some sort of issue, no matter
Speaker 2: how present or not present. Your mom was.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, first of all, I wanted to speak
Speaker 1: to my mom directly because I felt like there was
Speaker 1: a mischaracterization of what was happening between us, and it
Speaker 1: made it seem as if we were choosing your parents
Speaker 1: over my parents.
Speaker 3: Right, And I just felt like that was unfair to
Speaker 3: you as my wife.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to make it seem like you were
Speaker 1: choosing because I grew up in a family where there
Speaker 1: was dissension between the sibling groups above us, my aunts
Speaker 1: and uncles because people took offence to certain kids going
Speaker 1: to certain people's houses. I felt like it was bullshit
Speaker 1: whole life growing up, and I was like, y'all, adults,
Speaker 1: why y'all can't talk about this and get to the
Speaker 1: bottom of it. But everybody had their own perception of
Speaker 1: what was happening, and then it was really what was happening, So.
Speaker 2: You knew what that affected you and your cousins, and
Speaker 2: you're like, this is not gonna trickle down to my
Speaker 2: kids not doing it.
Speaker 3: I said, I'm not doing it, and I'm not even
Speaker 3: gonna start there.
Speaker 1: So I spoke to my mom and the first thing
Speaker 1: that the first part of the conversation was hey, Ma, like,
Speaker 1: what's up? Like school told me you felt the way,
Speaker 1: like what's the problem. And she was just like, yeah, well,
Speaker 1: you know, we lived six blocks away, and you know
Speaker 1: those are my grandkids too.
Speaker 3: I would like to see my grandkids. And I said,
Speaker 3: that's that's.
Speaker 1: Fair, right, But you also realize that people asked to
Speaker 1: see your grandkids, you know, like Kay's mom calls and
Speaker 1: comes by the house we lived in the apartment for
Speaker 1: ten years. You came by maybe three times, right, you know,
Speaker 1: like her mom is very present, and she said to me, well,
Speaker 1: there's a reason why. And this is when I started
Speaker 1: to learn about like trauma, trauma that affects you as
Speaker 1: a child. My dad's mom was that southern mom, like,
Speaker 1: my way of doing everything is the best way.
Speaker 3: You young women don't know how to do anything, so
Speaker 3: let me.
Speaker 1: Come in here and just do everything. And she also
Speaker 1: didn't mean any harm. She really felt like she was
Speaker 1: helping out. My grandmother would come to my parents house
Speaker 1: for two weeks for Christmas vacation the minute she got
Speaker 1: in there because her and my grandfather used to drive
Speaker 1: in the middle of the day, so typically they got
Speaker 1: to my parents' house. So wherever home they were staying
Speaker 1: in and this was the whole thing. Wherever Nana and
Speaker 1: Papa were staying that year was the place that the
Speaker 1: whole family congregated. So sometimes it was my Aunt Debbie,
Speaker 1: sometimes it was my mom and dad, sometimes it was
Speaker 1: my aunt Monique, and then it was the other.
Speaker 3: Aunt and uncle who the dissension happened.
Speaker 1: So my grandparents never stayed there, so it was watching
Speaker 1: those things as a young child. That made me realize, like,
Speaker 1: I don't ever want that to be my family. So
Speaker 1: we're gonna nip things in the bud early. So they
Speaker 1: were driving. They would get to our house at like
Speaker 1: three point thirty in the afternoon. My parents are still
Speaker 1: not back from work yet. First thing, my grandmother would
Speaker 1: come in house.
Speaker 3: Y'all ain't put in the tree up yet. Why y'all
Speaker 3: got this like this? Why these couches over there? Let
Speaker 3: me go do this? And then she would move.
Speaker 1: She would move stuff out the pantry, put pots in
Speaker 1: different places, move furniture, and.
Speaker 2: Essentially rearrange your mother into this entire house and.
Speaker 1: Say it in a way that's condescending, as if like
Speaker 1: my mom doesn't know what she's doing, but it's just
Speaker 1: a different type of life, Like my mom does things
Speaker 1: her way right.
Speaker 3: And my mother would come home and I remember.
Speaker 1: My mother walking in the house and to everything, and
Speaker 1: she was like, it's two weeks, Karen, it's two weeks.
Speaker 1: It's just two weeks, right. She wouldn't complain, she wouldn't
Speaker 1: say nothing, but she would be annoyed. And at the time,
Speaker 1: as a child, I didn't see how annoying that was
Speaker 1: to my mom. So my mom said, when she became
Speaker 1: a mother in love, like you like to say, she
Speaker 1: wouldn't do the same things to you that was done
Speaker 1: to her. So in a sense, she thought she was
Speaker 1: helping by not being overbearing and saying, hey, I'm here
Speaker 1: when you need me, but I'm not going to just overstep.
Speaker 1: So I said, that's fair. I took it a different way.
Speaker 1: I said, it bothered me a lot. That's the women
Speaker 1: in K's life were here and for a lot of things,
Speaker 1: and my mom wasn't right.
Speaker 2: And it's funny how she didn't even vocalize that really
Speaker 2: if you had to sit her down to get this
Speaker 2: out of her, because it wasn't even like she was like, hey, y'all,
Speaker 2: I'm here if you need me. She was just like
Speaker 2: completely detached to certain points. And you were like, what's
Speaker 2: going on? Like why is my mom like not present?
Speaker 2: And I asked you about it too, because I'm used
Speaker 2: to my side of family just like they usually anticipate
Speaker 2: like what you may need. So my mom is like, well,
Speaker 2: I know Deval is gonna be working. K has this
Speaker 2: going on. They may need help with it, you know,
Speaker 2: so let me offer you know. So it's funny that
Speaker 2: she didn't feel comfortable just opening up and saying, hey,
Speaker 2: I'm here if y'all need me.
Speaker 1: You know, well, my mom did say I'm here if
Speaker 1: you need me. And that's some things you don't have
Speaker 1: to say. My mom to say, hey, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: here if you need me.
Speaker 3: Cool. I get that.
Speaker 1: But when your mom says, hey, bring the boys by,
Speaker 1: or she comes by to watch the boys, I don't
Speaker 1: need you, ma, because someone here al says already volunteered
Speaker 1: and taking the steps, so I don't have to call
Speaker 1: or even another thing. When I bring the kids to
Speaker 1: my parents' house and my mom comes home from work
Speaker 1: and she does like my mom is doing since I
Speaker 1: was a child, and she's annoyed by everything you do
Speaker 1: as a child because she just came in from work.
Speaker 1: The kids don't want to be around that. The kids
Speaker 1: want to be able to jump around and laugh and
Speaker 1: do itself. They don't want to seem like they're bothering people.
Speaker 1: So the kids would ask, you know, can we go
Speaker 1: my uncle Brian's house? You know, can we go to
Speaker 1: Mimi and Papa's house, because they can just do whatever
Speaker 1: they want to do as kids would want to do.
Speaker 1: So I started to explain to my mom what it's
Speaker 1: like being in the house with her, even when we
Speaker 1: bring the kids by. And then we started speaking about
Speaker 1: my upbringing and how I felt in the house as
Speaker 1: a child, and the stresses I felt, and the way
Speaker 1: I felt as the oldest, how I felt like a
Speaker 1: lot of things were just dumped on me as the oldest.
Speaker 2: And so, what were some of the things that you
Speaker 2: felt like your mom did or didn't do to make
Speaker 2: you feel like this is the root of my mommy issues.
Speaker 1: Well, the biggest thing, the root of my mommy issues
Speaker 1: was my mom was never really really affectionate.
Speaker 3: My mom is a thug.
Speaker 1: Like Karen Ellis is the sweetest, the sweetest person in
Speaker 1: the world. Like my mother would really do anything for you,
Speaker 1: give you the shirt off her back. She would anything
Speaker 1: you ask my mom is doing. But growing up as
Speaker 1: a child, you really don't like you don't go to
Speaker 1: ask your mom for stuff.
Speaker 3: You just expect your mom to just do things. I'm
Speaker 3: a child.
Speaker 2: I saw something recently, it might have been a meme
Speaker 2: or something I was looking at online, and it said
Speaker 2: that boys specifically go to their father and they get
Speaker 2: their oxytocin from their dads. By like rough housing, playing
Speaker 2: running joke like that's how the oxytocin is released for
Speaker 2: boys when they interact with their dads. But with the moms,
Speaker 2: the oxytocin release happens through intimate moments snuggling, never doing that.
Speaker 2: You know, that's where boys get their oxytocin releases from moms.
Speaker 3: So my mom, interesting, this is the way my mom
Speaker 3: loved us.
Speaker 1: My mom every Valentine's Day she got his balloons, candy
Speaker 1: cards right, And it got to a point where when
Speaker 1: we got thirteen, she would give us those things and
Speaker 1: then say to us, where's my card? And then it
Speaker 1: no longer became about her just doing something to love us.
Speaker 1: It was her teaching us how to be a man,
Speaker 1: that is, just taking care of a woman. So everything
Speaker 1: was like a life lesson. We went out on our dates.
Speaker 1: But then when we went out on the dates, it
Speaker 1: wasn't like come in, let me hug up on my son.
Speaker 1: It was like you walk on the outside, you pull
Speaker 1: my seat out. Everything was like in a disciplinary form.
Speaker 1: So I never felt coddled. I never felt like affection
Speaker 1: from my mom. Like my mom never just grabbed us
Speaker 1: and hugged us or put us on her lap like
Speaker 1: my mother never did that. Now, my mother did take
Speaker 1: me and all my friends to the park to go
Speaker 1: play ball, like she did take us to go play baseball,
Speaker 1: But even when she take us to go do things,
Speaker 1: she was the judge, jury, and executioner.
Speaker 3: It was this got to be done this way. It
Speaker 3: was like everything had to be under her control.
Speaker 1: And it was fun for all of the other kids
Speaker 1: because they never had a mom take them on and
Speaker 1: do all this other stuff. It was not fun for
Speaker 1: me because I get all the same discipline at home.
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear this lady screaming at me.
Speaker 1: I hear in front of my friends, like she kicked
Speaker 1: me out the game because I'm swinging the bat right
Speaker 1: and I swing the bat and if I get contact,
Speaker 1: my hands would like pow and the bat would fly
Speaker 1: out my hands. And she's like, stop dropping the bat,
Speaker 1: stop throwing the bat. And I'm like, I'm not throwing
Speaker 1: the bat, but it's like it's coming out, mind you.
Speaker 3: I'm ten. So I go to hit the ball.
Speaker 1: Boom it flies and the bat flies out and she's like, no,
Speaker 1: don't count, don't count, that's out.
Speaker 3: You out. I told you stop throwing the bat Yo
Speaker 3: like nobody.
Speaker 2: She became humpire and everything all at once, and.
Speaker 3: We were talking ten and I'm under my brethen nobody
Speaker 3: has to be to the point.
Speaker 2: So it was supposed to be a fun moment with her.
Speaker 2: Just did it turned out to be right. I remember
Speaker 2: one time I was helping Jackson with a homework assignment.
Speaker 2: It was a writing assignment, and I was trying to,
Speaker 2: you know, get him to understand grammar because I'm like
Speaker 2: such a big grammar head and stuff like that, and
Speaker 2: it's a completely lost art form nowadays. So my old
Speaker 2: school way of like doing grammar and things being proper.
Speaker 2: I was trying to tell him how to say certain
Speaker 2: things and like the better way to say it. And
Speaker 2: I remember you pulled me to the side and you
Speaker 2: were like, listen. What I used to hate was when
Speaker 2: I had a homework assignment and my mom would race erased,
Speaker 2: rip up, or rewrite my entire whole thing. Essay. He said,
Speaker 2: please don't do that to jack because you keep bringing
Speaker 2: it out to this day.
Speaker 1: You write a one page assignment the first three and
Speaker 1: goes no, no, no, and now she she's deleted.
Speaker 3: I'm like, you ain't even read the rest of it.
Speaker 3: It's not good. It's not good the way you start.
Speaker 2: And I'm just like, yeah, so thank you for that,
Speaker 2: because I'm always so hyper sensitive. Like I said in
Speaker 2: my SoundBite about making sure that my boys like it's
Speaker 2: like tolding them line. I've never been a boy, never
Speaker 2: going to be a boy. I don't know what it's
Speaker 2: like to be a boy or to be raised in
Speaker 2: that sense. So I want to make sure that I'm,
Speaker 2: you know, doing what I need to do as a
Speaker 2: mom to yes, be affectionate and loving, but also be
Speaker 2: a disciplinarian, but also have that balance of fun so
Speaker 2: that they don't feel like, here goes mom again. Like
Speaker 2: I'm so fearful of my boys as they get older
Speaker 2: seeing my name pop up on the phone and be
Speaker 2: like here go mom again. I am going to ask
Speaker 2: her now, I'll call her back. I would love that
Speaker 2: my boys are just like, yo, let me call mom.
Speaker 2: I want to talk to mine. So scared of that,
Speaker 2: and so I appreciate when you jump in sometimes although
Speaker 2: I may in the moment feel a little like attacked
Speaker 2: or get defensive, like all I'm trying to do is
Speaker 2: help you are doing a good job, like saying kay,
Speaker 2: just understand how it could be perceived. As a year old,
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: I think women realized my mom, who is a woman,
Speaker 1: would just be on me because she was just like
Speaker 1: you know how they say mom's nag. Yeah, my mom
Speaker 1: was a nag. And part of the reason why I
Speaker 1: am who I am today is because of my mom.
Speaker 1: So I can't just sit here and just dump on
Speaker 1: her like I'm not the person I am because of her.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Because academically socially, my mom took pride in making sure
Speaker 1: that her children were who she wanted them to be.
Speaker 1: And my mother was big on early childhood education. I'd
Speaker 1: say all the time. My mother was the first group
Speaker 1: of blacks that were integrated into white schools in Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: She was a first class to go to Marine Park.
Speaker 1: She was the first class to go to James Madison
Speaker 1: High School, which I ultimately went to. She got chased
Speaker 1: out of those schools with bats and chains every day. Like,
Speaker 1: my mom was big on making sure that her children
Speaker 1: were receiving the type of education on.
Speaker 3: Their own terms.
Speaker 1: My mom was also the one that was at every
Speaker 1: PTA meeting, at every parent teacher you know, teacher conference.
Speaker 1: She made it to every game that she could when
Speaker 1: she could, Like my mom was very supportive. So I
Speaker 1: don't want to make it seem like my mom was
Speaker 1: like this deadbeat.
Speaker 3: Mom that just wasn't definitely not it wasn't that.
Speaker 1: But what I don't think people realize is like those
Speaker 1: triggers come from somewhere.
Speaker 3: For me.
Speaker 1: No times I felt like I was never good enough,
Speaker 1: because when your mom only tells you that you're doing
Speaker 1: something wrong and very rarely says I'm proud of you,
Speaker 1: like I never growing up heard the words man, I'm
Speaker 1: so so proud of you. Really no, because it was
Speaker 1: always this is what you were expected to do and
Speaker 1: getting a ninety where's the other ten points?
Speaker 2: Oh god, I think that was that generation. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I thought that was just my old West Indian Paris,
Speaker 2: but it seems like that was just like a thing
Speaker 2: it was that they did.
Speaker 1: My mom was all about if you can be perfect
Speaker 1: at doing this, not perfect right, then you you didn't
Speaker 1: do it good or well enough.
Speaker 2: But I also understood your her frustration with you now
Speaker 2: that you tell the stories and I look back, because
Speaker 2: you did what was required of you, especially when it
Speaker 2: came to school, and she probably was frustrated with you
Speaker 2: because she's like devout. You can be an A plus student,
Speaker 2: so why not be that? And you was like it
Speaker 2: wasn't that important, let me just get back. Was that
Speaker 2: you pushing back against her or was that just in
Speaker 2: general just your attitude towards schooling.
Speaker 3: No, I'm going to be honest.
Speaker 1: I always felt like any like even as a young child,
Speaker 1: me having to sit down in this spot and just
Speaker 1: do what everybody else is doing and prove that I
Speaker 1: can do what everyone else doing.
Speaker 3: Listen, doesn't prove my intelligence.
Speaker 2: That's now, that's not doing what anybody else is doing
Speaker 2: or wants them to do either.
Speaker 1: So and that was just you in fourth grade if man,
Speaker 1: what was what was what was her name? A fourth
Speaker 1: grade teacher? I couldn't stand her, Miss ms Fitzgerald, Miss
Speaker 1: Fitzpatrick was Miss fitz something. But I remember she used
Speaker 1: to get on my nerves because I just refused to
Speaker 1: do exactly what everyone else was doing at the same time.
Speaker 1: And I used to say to her, I'm not required
Speaker 1: to do that in fourth career, and I got I
Speaker 1: used to get in trouble.
Speaker 2: Like to get in trouble, you put probably been a
Speaker 2: good like Montessori kid, you probably were not designed for
Speaker 2: traditional schooling. It doesn't seem like that, you know that.
Speaker 2: That's why they have so many different types of schooling
Speaker 2: now kids. I don't know if they had all that absolutely,
Speaker 2: but like you can see why how people learn differently
Speaker 2: and how they thrive in for certain environments. The traditional
Speaker 2: environment was never for you in any facet.
Speaker 1: Anytime I went on a visitor anywhere where it was
Speaker 1: like an independent style learning or school, I enjoyed it,
Speaker 1: Like like when I went to see the test for
Speaker 1: poly Press.
Speaker 2: About to say, that's why you probably excel there.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because they told me I have more freedom. I could,
Speaker 3: you know, pick my classes and do all that.
Speaker 1: And I was like, yo, oh my gosh, Like like
Speaker 1: I felt like, oh my gosh, I have some freedom
Speaker 1: and some autonomy over my time. So being young, I
Speaker 1: also felt like in dealing with my mom, a lot
Speaker 1: of the chores in the house fell on me because
Speaker 1: I was the oldest and my dad he worked two
Speaker 1: jobs at times, and he was like, I'm not did
Speaker 1: the house thing. That's your thing, Karen, Like is your mom?
Speaker 1: My father's just to say this, Karen, is your house?
Speaker 1: He literally should say that whatever you want to do?
Speaker 3: Is your house. When people used to come over and
Speaker 3: she like, Troy, I just want it, he was like, Karen,
Speaker 3: is your house? Like, do what you want to do.
Speaker 3: I'll support it. Just let me know what I got
Speaker 3: to do. But it's your house.
Speaker 1: So and that he was hands up, like when it
Speaker 1: came to the kids in the house. So when it
Speaker 1: came down the chores, I'm the oldest.
Speaker 3: This is not a lie. Dival and Brian Divalen. Brian, Now,
Speaker 3: I'm nine.
Speaker 1: We just moved into this house in KNARSI I'm nine,
Speaker 1: my brother is seven, right, we're not that grown, right,
Speaker 1: But the kitchen got to be clean, the front yard
Speaker 1: got to be clean, the backyard got to be clean,
Speaker 1: the basement got to be clean. Your room's got to
Speaker 1: be clean, the living room got to be clean, the
Speaker 1: dining room got to be clean. I'm nine, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So it's supposed to be me and
Speaker 1: my seven year old brother. Who do you think all
Speaker 1: that falls on me?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 1: And then my brother early on knew how to play
Speaker 1: the game. He acted dumb so a lot of times
Speaker 1: and stuff didn't get done. They'd like, if I help
Speaker 1: your brother.
Speaker 2: Yo, admitted that he was smart. He was just like,
Speaker 2: you keep acting like you have sense, and that's why
Speaker 2: they're going to give you more responsibility. Brian literally said that,
Speaker 2: and I was like, We've been thinking Brian ain't all
Speaker 2: the way there, but he is clearly all the way there.
Speaker 2: And then because he realized how to play the game,
Speaker 2: how to work the system.
Speaker 1: So being being the oldest dealing with my mom just
Speaker 1: trying to make sure she made the most productive human
Speaker 1: beings that she possibly could. Also, my mom had fears
Speaker 1: of her children not coming home. We discussed this, like
Speaker 1: you grow up in Brooklyn. She was liked, Val, do
Speaker 1: you know how hard it is? And she cried telling me,
Speaker 1: is you know how hard it is having your children
Speaker 1: be latch key kids at nine and you're at work
Speaker 1: all day in Queen's and your children have to travel
Speaker 1: from school and pick up your youngest child and come
Speaker 1: home and you have to trust him to stay at
Speaker 1: home and then when they get on the subway or
Speaker 1: like the plus do you think I wanted to do that?
Speaker 3: Right? And I was like, she probably didn't want to.
Speaker 2: Definitely, because I'm sure as I wasn't doing that at all.
Speaker 1: She she says, she didn't. Yeah, I didn't when the way,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay.
Speaker 3: So it was like, did you do this? Did did
Speaker 3: it get done? And I was just like, you know what, mom?
Speaker 1: Now at thirty at the time it was twenty eighteen.
Speaker 1: I'm thirty four. Because I have children, I understand, right,
Speaker 1: But no one ever explained this to me when I
Speaker 1: was eight.
Speaker 2: And you wouldn't have understood it either.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have.
Speaker 2: You wouldn't have.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have.
Speaker 2: You wouldn't have. But that doesn't also take away from
Speaker 2: how it affected you or impacted you now when to
Speaker 2: look back as an adult. And it's crazy because when
Speaker 2: you discussed like how your mom raised you, right, part
Speaker 2: of it was probably out of that's just the best
Speaker 2: they could do in that moment, right, Yeah, part of
Speaker 2: it was out of fear, like she said, wanting to
Speaker 2: make sure her children come home. Also to being like,
Speaker 2: I want to raise independent children, boys and girls. Because
Speaker 2: you had spoken previously about like her mom trying to
Speaker 2: raise an independent woman based off of their living situation
Speaker 2: with your grandfather at the time, So now you want
Speaker 2: to make sure that your children are all independent. The
Speaker 2: reverse in my house actually happened with my brother. So
Speaker 2: he's the only boy, he's in the middle, and my
Speaker 2: mom was super affectionate, super cuddling, coddling, and then we
Speaker 2: see how that has affected him as he's grown into
Speaker 2: a young man and now a man, and it's like
Speaker 2: I now seeing both sides, I'm like, man, I have
Speaker 2: to find that right balance because we're so fearful of
Speaker 2: raising boys who are extra coddled and don't know how
Speaker 2: to fend for themselves and aren't given those tools to
Speaker 2: make sure that they can be successful as men. And
Speaker 2: it's a really hard towing of the line that needs
Speaker 2: to happen.
Speaker 3: Absolutely.
Speaker 2: I think us as parents are so hyper sensitive and
Speaker 2: aware of now, especially having four boys.
Speaker 1: And the thing is there's no black and white right
Speaker 1: or wrong way to do things. You trying to figure
Speaker 1: it out because you also have to exist in living
Speaker 1: your own space as a woman.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: Another thing, I noticed that the way my mom and
Speaker 1: my dad interacted affected my relationships with women, and the
Speaker 1: same way with your brother, the way your mom and
Speaker 1: dad interacted affected him and his relationships with women. And
Speaker 1: even watching for twelve years when I was doing prototype,
Speaker 1: I watched the young men's behaviors who had good relationships
Speaker 1: with their moms. I watched their relationships when they came
Speaker 1: down for prom and when they went to college, and
Speaker 1: the issues they fell into when they got to college
Speaker 1: with women, and I saw the correlation between them and
Speaker 1: their moms, Like I saw the young men who struggled
Speaker 1: with self esteem because their moms always told them you
Speaker 1: wasn't shit and you ain't gonna be shit.
Speaker 3: And when I speak to the moms.
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, why talk to him like that?
Speaker 1: And they would just say things like, first of all,
Speaker 1: they lacked awareness. They thought that they were being tough
Speaker 1: on them because the fathers weren't around. So then they
Speaker 1: were just like, you know something, I got to be
Speaker 1: touch Yeah, I'm not raising no punk, you know, so
Speaker 1: I got to make sure that he's tough.
Speaker 3: And I'm just explain to him, like I get it.
Speaker 1: But you can raise them to be tough by providing
Speaker 1: them with other male role models that can teach the
Speaker 1: type of the toughness that's not toxic or radioactive. Right,
Speaker 1: But then I also learned not to not judge those
Speaker 1: women because they are in this situation alone. But then
Speaker 1: I also did realize, like, why are you in this
Speaker 1: situation alone? Because if you spoke to that man the
Speaker 1: way you speak to your son, that's probably why that
Speaker 1: man ain't in that house. And that's when I started
Speaker 1: to like unfold a lot of these like family dynamics,
Speaker 1: as you know how it is when you're a mentor. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm with your child a lot, but now I have
Speaker 1: to speak to you and his father a lot, right,
Speaker 1: And then I started telling there.
Speaker 2: Were a lot of families that you were like damn
Speaker 2: like because I mean, I trust me devout. When we
Speaker 2: had that mentorship program in Brooklyn, Devo will come home
Speaker 2: and lose sleep so many nights, just like thinking about
Speaker 2: a kid and like what's the circumstance is, and like, man,
Speaker 2: how am I going to help him get out of this?
Speaker 2: Or you know, it's late at night. I got Jackson
Speaker 2: in the car. Jackson's like three years old. You got
Speaker 2: to go to school, but we bringing home kids because
Speaker 2: they mother got a night shift job and she can't.
Speaker 2: You know. There was just so many things, yeah, that
Speaker 2: we saw when it came to young men and the
Speaker 2: relationship between their mom or lack thereof, and also boys
Speaker 2: being forced into having to grow up too fast. I'll
Speaker 2: never forget the story of the young man who I
Speaker 2: think his mom was a nurse and he was at
Speaker 2: the facility with his sister.
Speaker 1: I don't want to say his name because people know him.
Speaker 1: I don't want to say his names. I'm so proud
Speaker 1: of because he end up going to school, but his
Speaker 1: mom was a nurse. And this is why I had
Speaker 1: to learn how to temper myself because I was big
Speaker 1: disciplinarian football god.
Speaker 2: And you feel like you had to be in the
Speaker 2: absence of so many of their dads, their moms wanted that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, seventy five percent of the children that I mentored,
Speaker 1: men and women, seventy five percent of them were from
Speaker 1: single parent homes. And part of the reason why Prototype
Speaker 1: was such a big place for that is because they
Speaker 1: knew that they could get positive mail mentorship.
Speaker 3: And it wasn't just me. It was me and my
Speaker 3: brother Brian, my boy Dolo, it was Camral, it was
Speaker 3: Rick Like.
Speaker 1: It was a group of us who were all super
Speaker 1: intelligent but caring men who also had children, so people
Speaker 1: could see that we were nurturers.
Speaker 3: At the same time.
Speaker 1: But I also had a responsibility because at this time
Speaker 1: I was dealing with different levels of Brooklyn. So I
Speaker 1: had Flatbush Bedstar Knarci right, and there were some gang
Speaker 1: issues in there, so I had to make sure that
Speaker 1: there was a disciplinary aspect. So let those kids know,
Speaker 1: twelve years in business, not one incident with multiple gangs
Speaker 1: all coming to train at the same time, multiple teams
Speaker 1: who hate each other, who are on Instagram and Snapchat
Speaker 1: threatening each other. And there were incidents outside of the
Speaker 1: gym where it was value violence, not one incident in
Speaker 1: the gym, And I'm proud of that, but I also
Speaker 1: knew that that came.
Speaker 3: From the discipline we instilled in them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And the reason why I'm prefacing that by when
Speaker 1: I tell the story is because this young man came
Speaker 1: to me and he was in high school and he
Speaker 1: was always late, and I'm just like, yo, what, like
Speaker 1: you can't get right, like you have to be here
Speaker 1: on time, And then when he would come on time,
Speaker 1: he would like forget his book or something, and it
Speaker 1: was always something. And I was big on being detail
Speaker 1: oriented and being accountable and responsible. So when I'm screaming
Speaker 1: at him and everyone has to run because of him,
Speaker 1: and it got to the point where other peoples like yo,
Speaker 1: just don't come if you're going to be late, because
Speaker 1: we all got to run. He came every single day,
Speaker 1: even on days when he wasn't supposed to be there.
Speaker 1: Because we had six days a week training. Everyone was
Speaker 1: responsible to come three days a week. He came all
Speaker 1: six days. Remember that he came all six days, right.
Speaker 1: So now I'll get to a point where I sit
Speaker 1: down with him and I'm like, you know, you promise
Speaker 1: me you got to be here on time.
Speaker 3: Da da da da da.
Speaker 1: He says yes. The next week he comes late twice.
Speaker 1: I screaming him, I cursing him like a coach does.
Speaker 1: Get out blah blah blah blah blah. And he doesn't argue.
Speaker 3: He just leaves.
Speaker 1: But then he comes back the next day and I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: I told you not to come back. You can't get
Speaker 1: here on tom. I said, what's the problem. He said,
Speaker 1: to be honest, cool saval. When I get out of school,
Speaker 1: I have to go get my man. This is even
Speaker 1: like thinking about it. It's like he's in high school.
Speaker 1: He had to get his eight year old sister, who
Speaker 1: went to school at Marine Park. They only had one
Speaker 1: swipe on their bus pass to get home. He would
Speaker 1: run from his school in East New York to Marine
Speaker 1: Park and him and his sister would run to the gym.
Speaker 1: I said, this whole time, your sister's here. Where's your sister?
Speaker 2: First of all, that's wild running from East New York
Speaker 2: to Marie Wild.
Speaker 1: He used to run down flat lands, run down flat lands,
Speaker 1: get to Ralph Avenue, get to.
Speaker 3: Run back to pack Plex, right because it was right okay,
Speaker 3: And that's why he was always late. I said, why
Speaker 3: didn't you tell me? He was like, you said, you
Speaker 3: don't take no excuses.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, brother, that's an extenuating so.
Speaker 3: That's not even an excuse, that's your reality.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: So then he gets there, I said, where's your sister? Right?
Speaker 2: Bring?
Speaker 1: I said, why didn't you tell me your sister was here?
Speaker 1: He said, you told me we couldn't bring any young
Speaker 1: ladies with us. I said, yeah, no girlfriends. I didn't
Speaker 1: want anyone bringing up girl. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: right right, So then he brings his sister. I see
Speaker 1: the young girl and I'm like, you used to room
Speaker 1: for Marine Bark here and she was just like yeah,
Speaker 1: but it wasn't bad, you know. He you know, sometimes
Speaker 1: we just try not to get hit by cars and stuff.
Speaker 1: But I'm like, oh my gosh, bro Like, I felt
Speaker 1: so bad. You know what I'm saying. Here's where it
Speaker 1: tripped me out. Though he would get in trouble for
Speaker 1: staying late if he did get there on time. I
Speaker 1: told him had to be out of the building by
Speaker 1: eight o'clock because my biggest issue is if it gets
Speaker 1: dark and you're traveling now late and you know something happened,
Speaker 1: it would be eight thirty nine o'clock. He's still in there,
Speaker 1: and I'm screaming at him, right, I said, why did
Speaker 1: you stay late if you knew you had your sister here?
Speaker 1: We have no electricity in the house. The only way
Speaker 1: I can charge my phone and she can finish her
Speaker 1: homework is if we stayed here and we use the electricity.
Speaker 3: Bruh, Can I tell you man? I felt so But
Speaker 3: here's the crazy part.
Speaker 1: I met his mom, the hardest working, like sweet, most
Speaker 1: nicest person, And the reason why he was the way
Speaker 1: he was, especially with his sister and nouses, was because
Speaker 1: of who is.
Speaker 2: My mom was because he could have easily been a
Speaker 2: little shit and he could have came in with a
Speaker 2: bad attitude.
Speaker 3: I had a bunch of little shit. I know with
Speaker 3: single moms. I had a bunch of little shits with
Speaker 3: both their parents.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: And this kid, when I tell you, he graduated, got
Speaker 1: a scholarship, went to school, got his degree.
Speaker 3: He's now working.
Speaker 1: When I tell you, every time he hits me up
Speaker 1: on Instagram, was like, yog's d I se you do
Speaker 1: your thing. No, I'm like, no, I see you doing
Speaker 1: your thing. And now guess what his sister does. But
Speaker 1: she runs, runs track, and she's in school. Now she's
Speaker 1: gonna graduate from school. She got a degree. And then
Speaker 1: the best part about it is, no, she didn't get
Speaker 1: a track scholarship to go to like USC and no,
Speaker 1: but she got her degree paid for and she's running track.
Speaker 3: And they're just good kids.
Speaker 1: And the product of the product of a good and
Speaker 1: the best she can probably and yeah, yeah, And I
Speaker 1: asked her, you know what happened to their dad? And
Speaker 1: her dad passed away. Their dad passed away, so they
Speaker 1: seemed like they were just a really, really good family.
Speaker 1: And the dad passed away and she was required to
Speaker 1: just take care of everything, and she was doing the
Speaker 1: best that she could. She had just got her nursing degree,
Speaker 1: so she was picking up a bunch of hours for everything.
Speaker 1: But they lived right there in Bayview Projects, and I
Speaker 1: was just like, like for me, it was just like
Speaker 1: like it was eye opening about how important it is
Speaker 1: to have for a young man to have their mom
Speaker 1: because I seen when her mom, when their mom came,
Speaker 1: because I called her, I said, hey, I'm gonna keep
Speaker 1: your kids with me. I'm not going to let them
Speaker 1: walk or get to the bus or whoever. Not Bathe
Speaker 1: you Brookline, what's the other? I don't know, Okay, Brooklyn
Speaker 1: because Brookline they would take the B eighty two straight home.
Speaker 1: Said I'm not gonna take them till she came. And
Speaker 1: the first thing she did when she came and she
Speaker 1: saw her kids was hug her kids. And she's like
Speaker 1: Coach de Vala, I thought something was wrong. I thought
Speaker 1: they did something trouble. But it was the fact that
Speaker 1: she came in and she hugged them. Most moms when
Speaker 1: I called them and said there was an issue, the
Speaker 1: first and the kid and they swinging and cussing, and
Speaker 1: you know what I had to do and why the
Speaker 1: coach got to call me.
Speaker 3: But she didn't come in and do that.
Speaker 1: She came in and hugged her kids first, like when
Speaker 1: I said, hugged them, crush their face, you okay, kissed
Speaker 1: them on the forehead and I was like like wow,
Speaker 1: like like this is I didn't receive that type when
Speaker 1: when they called my mom for school, it was hell.
Speaker 2: Because the valley did his homework that he was supposed
Speaker 2: to do.
Speaker 1: My mom was not coming in there with no, no,
Speaker 1: my son, no. My mother used to come in there
Speaker 1: and look me right in my face.
Speaker 2: But one thing she was was consistent because if you
Speaker 2: call and you had an issue with the teacher, then
Speaker 2: she came in with.
Speaker 1: Guns blaaring too. You cannot play, said, my mother's a
Speaker 1: thug with the Lucky Bucks. You can play with Karen
Speaker 1: ellis you. I called my mom because they kicked me
Speaker 1: out of class because me and the teacher.
Speaker 3: Ms Rosen, she's a Jewish lady.
Speaker 1: It was during Black History Months and we were still
Speaker 1: doing an Frank in the Holocaust, and I asked a question.
Speaker 1: I'm thirteen years old. I said, I have a question,
Speaker 1: why are we still doing ann Frank during Black History Month?
Speaker 3: And she started screaming, how dare you? How dare you?
Speaker 1: The Holocaust was the biggest atrocity that ever happened in
Speaker 1: man Conn And I said, well, I beg the different
Speaker 1: slavery was pretty bad.
Speaker 3: As well, and she kicked me out of class. So
Speaker 3: I called my mom. You know who showed up.
Speaker 1: Always called her the same day, wait till tomorrow, left
Speaker 1: work and let that woman have it.
Speaker 3: And let the whole school have it, right.
Speaker 1: And that's why I say, like, when I talk about
Speaker 1: I have mommy issues, it's not because I had a
Speaker 1: bad mom. It was like my mom was a disciplinarian, right.
Speaker 1: The lack of affection I got from my mom rears
Speaker 1: his head with you sometime because all I want to do.
Speaker 2: To me and how I've been affected by it, All
Speaker 2: I want to do is to go to bad way.
Speaker 2: But it's just like we realize where those deficits were
Speaker 2: and how the compensation now falls on me, and if
Speaker 2: I fall short of that too, then it becomes a
Speaker 2: reminder of your mom.
Speaker 3: Yes, which it's not healthy either. I just want to
Speaker 3: hug you. I just want you to hug me, hug me.
Speaker 1: I love to make out and every time it doesn't
Speaker 1: always have to go to sex, but I just want
Speaker 1: my wife. I want to like last night you probably
Speaker 1: felt me on you the whole time you woke up
Speaker 1: this morning. I'm just rubbing on your booty and you
Speaker 1: just like look up at me, and I'm just rubbing
Speaker 1: on your booty and I'm half sleep.
Speaker 3: But I just that feeling of being nurtured.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying That I felt like I
Speaker 1: missed out on my childhood reared its head and feeling
Speaker 1: like I wasn't appreciated and sometimes.
Speaker 3: That I was only here just to do work.
Speaker 1: Made me feel a way like I got defensive and
Speaker 1: growing up an adult, when I used to hear women
Speaker 1: speak about the stuff they required from men, I used
Speaker 1: to automatically get defensive and being like, y'all require all
Speaker 1: of this, but I don't hear nobody saying what you're
Speaker 1: gonna do for me as a man, because I watched
Speaker 1: my mom also, like my mom was not super affectionate
Speaker 1: to my pops. And knowing what I know now, the
Speaker 1: way they grew up, my parents are very conservative, so
Speaker 1: they don't they I never saw them like canoodle or
Speaker 1: do anything. And when my father did try, my mom
Speaker 1: was like Troy Troy, but she's like the kids were
Speaker 1: they You know what I'm saying, but that affected me
Speaker 1: because I'm like, like, you don't mind when my dad
Speaker 1: is giving you gifts, you don't mind when he's taking
Speaker 1: you places, But when he tries to be affection you
Speaker 1: have a problem with that. That always stuck with me
Speaker 1: and gave me issues, you know, like you and I
Speaker 1: all the time when I'm just like yo, So I
Speaker 1: can't argue today, I can't. Are you gonna tell me
Speaker 1: no and tell me to stop in front of the kids.
Speaker 3: No, I'm not doing that.
Speaker 2: No, at this point, we don't.
Speaker 1: Yeah, these kids are going to see their mother love
Speaker 1: they dad, and people see they dad love on their mom,
Speaker 1: because they need to understand that this also happens in
Speaker 1: a relationship, right, A relationship isn't this transactional thing where
Speaker 1: it's like I buy you gifts and you make me
Speaker 1: food and you fold my laundry and I take you on.
Speaker 2: Trips Norge at least? Yeah, And I want the boys
Speaker 2: to know that, no, for sure, because it's definitely like
Speaker 2: a radical love situation that we have going on here
Speaker 2: and the boy's exposure to that. You know, we had
Speaker 2: gotten some backlash in the past about you being too
Speaker 2: touchy feely or the boys being as both of that.
Speaker 2: But then that's also people's their own their own issues
Speaker 2: and their own perceptions that in their own perspectives that
Speaker 2: they're putting on the situation. It's not over sexualizing it.
Speaker 2: It's just showing the love and care and then doing
Speaker 2: it within the context where we show our boys and
Speaker 2: we tell our boys that this is within a marriage,
Speaker 2: which is a essential relationship that both people are in
Speaker 2: agreement with this happen. So that's how everything is coded,
Speaker 2: particularly with us and the boys. One thing I have
Speaker 2: to also thank your mom for is you not wanting
Speaker 2: to wash a dish or doing the laundry because you
Speaker 2: literally Devl had to do it like since he was nine.
Speaker 2: So when it came to being adult, Devel was just like,
Speaker 2: I'm not going to do it. I rather hire someone
Speaker 2: to do He's like, you don't have to do it all, Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm not expecting you to wash every dish and wash
Speaker 2: every draw, but what you what I'm going to do
Speaker 2: is hire someone to do it. I said to your
Speaker 2: mom when she was here one day. I was just like,
Speaker 2: you realize that, like your son was traumatized with keeping
Speaker 2: a clean house. And the funny thing is you do
Speaker 2: when we keep a clean house the most part. I mean,
Speaker 2: then again, this is not our house, trashed it anyway,
Speaker 2: but we try our best to keep a clean house.
Speaker 2: And then like Devell won't do certain things because he's
Speaker 2: had to do it as a child and it was
Speaker 2: trauma and he just is like, I'm not doing certain
Speaker 2: things at all.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Like I.
Speaker 1: Even four nine because my grandmother she had white carpet
Speaker 1: we talked about in her kitchen into her den and
Speaker 1: that was the space where most people came. And if
Speaker 1: that carpet was dirty, she was handing out lashes with
Speaker 1: the fly swatter belt or the slipper. My grandmother didn't
Speaker 1: play so and she also told us y'all gonna be
Speaker 1: here for eight weeks in the summertime. I'm not getting
Speaker 1: up every morning and making y'all breakfast. So from as
Speaker 1: early as seven, I remember making my own pancakes, waffles, eggs,
Speaker 1: French toast because I remember that she taught us how
Speaker 1: to do it. And it was me, my cousin Devonn
Speaker 1: and my cousin and my brother Brian, and we were
Speaker 1: at first it was the three of us. Then my
Speaker 1: sister Tory was born nine years later, so we were
Speaker 1: responsible to take care of her. So every summer we
Speaker 1: had to wake up first thing in the morning. We
Speaker 1: had to cut the grass twice a week. We had
Speaker 1: to clean out the gutters. We had to do all
Speaker 1: the things that men were supposed to do. While my
Speaker 1: grandfather was at work, Nana was like.
Speaker 2: Yow doing it all these boys.
Speaker 1: You see that lawn out there, an acre of land,
Speaker 1: would all get clean every leaf out of that lawn.
Speaker 1: And then it was like, y'all hungry, make your own food.
Speaker 1: If y'all want to go to the boys and girls club,
Speaker 1: I'll take y'all there. But then once we started driving,
Speaker 1: she was like, take y'allself there. So for me it
Speaker 1: was just like man independence.
Speaker 2: Really it was ultimately from early which is a true
Speaker 2: testament to who you are specifically to this day. Absolutely,
Speaker 2: like that's literally like a correlation between you being raised
Speaker 2: the way you were raised, who you are as an
Speaker 2: adult male. Absolutely, I think a lot of your success
Speaker 2: is attributed to that some things.
Speaker 1: Of course, your ear say, ninety percent of my success
Speaker 1: was attributed to my mom and the way she, you know,
Speaker 1: she did things. My father's presence was more, you know,
Speaker 1: once you told it your mother, my mother's five two.
Speaker 1: You're not really afraid, Like my mother couldn't scare me. Now,
Speaker 1: I was afraid that in my sleep she might cut me,
Speaker 1: because my mother is really a thug, and she never was.
Speaker 1: She never showed any intimidation by me and my brother,
Speaker 1: like a week toiller than her.
Speaker 3: She was like, don't look down on me, and she
Speaker 3: was staying.
Speaker 1: At them bottom two steps, and she would say, come here,
Speaker 1: come here, come here, and then we would have to
Speaker 1: walk to the bottom two stairs and she would be
Speaker 1: tiller than us, and then.
Speaker 2: She'd be I want to use that one ma these boys,
Speaker 2: and she will be.
Speaker 3: Reading us the Riot Act, and if we look away,
Speaker 3: she grabbing our face.
Speaker 1: And she was demanding respect, which I understand in the
Speaker 1: house where you got two huge boys who lift way
Speaker 1: to play football, who fought competitively in martial arts around
Speaker 1: the country.
Speaker 3: Like she like, y'all not gonna think y'all can beat me.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But sometimes I feel like her feeling she had to
Speaker 1: do that, she didn't really show us any love.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and the nurturing, Yeah, it's about you feel like
Speaker 2: the balance, yeah, or if that's the takeaway as we
Speaker 2: raise boys and listeners listening and say finding that balance. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, it's very important. All right, Let's jump into
Speaker 2: some facts and stats real quick before we take this break,
Speaker 2: most of which I think we kind of touched on
Speaker 2: a little bit during conversation. Here was heavily. I guess
Speaker 2: you telling your story because I don't know what it's
Speaker 2: like to have mommy is she's as a boy, but well, yeah,
Speaker 2: that could be a whole another episode in the South too.
Speaker 2: Mommy issues refers to the psychological effects of a child's
Speaker 2: early relationship with their mother, which can continue into adulthood,
Speaker 2: and some signs of this mommyhood and men include entitlement.
Speaker 2: They may feel entitled if their mother was over indulgent
Speaker 2: or controlling. In fidelity, they may cheat on their partners
Speaker 2: to fill an emotional void that may have been left
Speaker 2: by their mother. Low self esteem. They may have negative
Speaker 2: self talk and feel paralyzed by fear or rejection. This
Speaker 2: is something that we've seen in a couple kids recently. Cleanliness.
Speaker 2: They may have a tendency to cling to others, intimacy,
Speaker 2: struggles within intimacy.
Speaker 1: I have prototype kids that I can name. All of
Speaker 1: these all of these, I have family member family members.
Speaker 1: I could name the different one for all of these.
Speaker 2: YEP, difficulty anxiety is one that I skipped. Anxiety. They
Speaker 2: may feel anxious when they get close to people, difficulty
Speaker 2: getting to know others. They may have difficulty letting others
Speaker 2: know themselves or I guess letting them in. Always needing
Speaker 2: to stay in contact with their mother, never wanting anything
Speaker 2: to do with their mother, which is the reverse of
Speaker 2: that being disrespectful towards women, feeling insecure or often suspicious.
Speaker 3: I want to jump in on that being disrespectful towards women.
Speaker 1: A lot of the young men who I saw whose
Speaker 1: moms tried to lead with a masculine energy as they
Speaker 1: were going through adolescents because they felt like, I have
Speaker 1: to show him I'm the dominant one in the house. Yeah,
Speaker 1: percent of those young men grew up to be disrespectful
Speaker 1: to women because they felt like their moms. The way
Speaker 1: their mom talked to them.
Speaker 3: Was the norm, so they spoke to everybody that way.
Speaker 1: They didn't just disrespect women, they disrespected everyone, but it
Speaker 1: was more prevalent with women because you're a man, you know,
Speaker 1: you talk to a man disrespectful it's fisticuff. Something's going
Speaker 1: to happen, you know what I'm saying. But when you
Speaker 1: talk to a woman like that, or your woman like that,
Speaker 1: she's smaller than you, she might kind of cower a
Speaker 1: little bit more. You find a woman that's like your
Speaker 1: mom and you so disrespectful, So now she being disrespectful
Speaker 1: to sir, This toxic relationship that you think is normal
Speaker 1: because your mom, let you believe that being disrespectful was.
Speaker 2: A sign of love, right, Think about another toxic relationship
Speaker 2: between mother and son. Can be the mother acting like
Speaker 2: this is her man. Yes, how many times have we
Speaker 2: see that?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 2: Yes, exactly, exactly, Like it's a perfect example. Absolutely, it's
Speaker 2: just like, yo, this is not your man, this is
Speaker 2: your son that you're raising. You know that it has
Speaker 2: to be a stark difference, you know, I know, I know.
Speaker 2: Always doubting others' loves and that could be probably because
Speaker 2: you feel like Mom's love is stronger or you know,
Speaker 2: or not just doubting in general, expecting a partner to
Speaker 2: pamper them, constantly taking care of them, being the responsibility
Speaker 2: of their partner, being towards women, being misogynistic towards women,
Speaker 2: controlling women and demanding constant attention and loyalty from women.
Speaker 2: So a huge trickle down said, these are.
Speaker 3: All issues that come from mommy issues. And to be honest,
Speaker 3: I'm not speaking just to young men.
Speaker 1: I'm also speaking to young women because if you aspire
Speaker 1: to be a mom, you have just as much responsibility
Speaker 1: to create good, sustainable human beings as these human beings.
Speaker 1: These young men have a responsibility to be better people,
Speaker 1: for sure. So it works hand in hand. We as
Speaker 1: a community of people all have to work harder to
Speaker 1: be better so that we can just introduce new ways
Speaker 1: of communicating and new ways of existing on the planet
Speaker 1: without being so So I hate to say the word
Speaker 1: toxic because it's but that is the truth is. Like
Speaker 1: I had a mom tell a son, tell me she's
Speaker 1: screaming curse at her son all the time, and I said,
Speaker 1: why do you feel you how to speak to him
Speaker 1: like that in order for him to get it across,
Speaker 1: And she was like, I love him. If I just
Speaker 1: let him go out in the world and think the
Speaker 1: world is this and this and that, then I'm not
Speaker 1: showing him no love. It's because I'm hard on him,
Speaker 1: and because I do this, I'm showing him that I
Speaker 1: love him, And I said, I understand in her mind
Speaker 1: how how she views that, but she doesn't realize the
Speaker 1: residue of all of that, how it leaves.
Speaker 2: Him, or the lack of balance, Like you can be
Speaker 2: that sometimes but then in other times, like you gotta
Speaker 2: know how to like not tip the skill either way
Speaker 2: too much. Do you think that or why do you
Speaker 2: think this is a good one? Why do you think
Speaker 2: that people talk more about women having daddy issues than
Speaker 2: we talk about men having mommy issues. I'm thinking I'm
Speaker 2: going to ask her this, but my idea is that
Speaker 2: women are always labeled the more emotional ones, so we
Speaker 2: are more apt to, if anything, speak about or be
Speaker 2: more vocal about how the daddy issues may have affected us.
Speaker 2: Or also too, when you look at women and you
Speaker 2: see a girl who you know, maybe conducting herself in
Speaker 2: a certain way, you say, oh, the father wasn't in
Speaker 2: the house, because that's something people see, whereas men are
Speaker 2: not always encouraged to or historically haven't been encouraged to
Speaker 2: speak about their emotions and how they feel and mental
Speaker 2: health and things like that. So I'm wondering if that's
Speaker 2: one of the reasons why you know, we don't hear
Speaker 2: as much about daddy or women men having mommy issues.
Speaker 3: I think it's twofold. I think number one, we're super
Speaker 3: hyper critical of women.
Speaker 1: Right, We're always been hypercritical of women, their parents, how
Speaker 1: they act, and being emotional.
Speaker 3: That's number one.
Speaker 1: Since we're hypercritical of women, we spend more of our
Speaker 1: time as a community of people, but or we did
Speaker 1: in the past. It's definitely changing now because you through
Speaker 1: social media, but you always hear like she hears the problem,
Speaker 1: she has the problem. I also think conversely, which is
Speaker 1: not healthy at all, Men weren't allowed to express feelings
Speaker 1: because if you expressed your feelings, you were considered soft
Speaker 1: or less manly. So since we were taught from young
Speaker 1: to just not express our feelings and be cold when
Speaker 1: you grow up and it's like, what's your problem, I
Speaker 1: have no problem. You know, being stoic and being even
Speaker 1: is the manly thing. So since you're not allowed to
Speaker 1: express those emotional issues, it was almost as if they
Speaker 1: didn't exist, when all they did was exist internally, and
Speaker 1: they festered until that man lashed out, and then when
Speaker 1: that man lashed out, they treated it as if it
Speaker 1: was an anomaly. When realistically, this isn't an anomaly. A
Speaker 1: lot of these men have these issues coming from their moms,
Speaker 1: and we're just not allowed to talk about it, which
Speaker 1: is why I want to talk about it, right.
Speaker 2: And this which made perfect sense today. And I'm even thinking, like,
Speaker 2: you know, sometimes we have our all girls are all
Speaker 2: guys episode. It would be interesting because I would want
Speaker 2: to know if you have, like any other young men
Speaker 2: or men around you that would be open to speaking
Speaker 2: about like how their mom has affected them, you know,
Speaker 2: you know, whether it's good or bad. That would be
Speaker 2: an interesting conversation amongst men.
Speaker 1: When we did the Dad Gang events, I think it
Speaker 1: was two years ago, there was a point where all
Speaker 1: of the guys got together and talked about how our
Speaker 1: moms affected who we were as parents, who we were
Speaker 1: as spouses, you know, and shout space, shout to my
Speaker 1: boy Sean, he why she does Josh's boy Sean. They
Speaker 1: capished together. But it was funny how the conversation navigated
Speaker 1: to that without us even trying, like we were sitting
Speaker 1: there talking just like because what happened was there was
Speaker 1: an announcement of one of the dads I can't remember
Speaker 1: who was having a daughter and we were talking about
Speaker 1: our role as fathers raising daughters. And at the time,
Speaker 1: I only had I had three sons at the time,
Speaker 1: and you were pregnant, and they were talking.
Speaker 3: About Devala, if you have a girl, what would you
Speaker 3: how would you raise them?
Speaker 1: And we started talking about how we would raise our
Speaker 1: daughters in a way that they would be able to
Speaker 1: raise us the way we wanted to be raised, so
Speaker 1: we could be better people, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So it was just like, you know, I'm raising my
Speaker 1: daughter with intention that if she chooses that she wants
Speaker 1: to to be a wife and a mom, she understands
Speaker 1: that you have a respond because you're going to be
Speaker 1: raising a generation of a man or a young woman
Speaker 1: that you're responsible for.
Speaker 3: And everything that I'm doing to you now is going
Speaker 3: to affect that young person.
Speaker 2: That's a fact.
Speaker 1: And I mean we went deliberate about that, and we
Speaker 1: were all talking about my mom this, and that's what
Speaker 1: made me think about it too, And I was just like, man,
Speaker 1: all of these young men are very deliberate. And you
Speaker 1: know when I thinking about them being deliberate, you know,
Speaker 1: we all said our mothers were deliberate.
Speaker 3: Like our mothers, Like.
Speaker 2: One thing we will be is deliberate. Women have an
Speaker 2: insight and men have a foresight. The insight in those
Speaker 2: moments as you're being raised are really what matter because
Speaker 2: they clearly carry you on through the rest of your
Speaker 2: manhood and your adulthood. All right, now, it feels like
Speaker 2: a good time to take a little break, and then
Speaker 2: we'll come back with listening letters, so stick around. All right,
Speaker 2: we are back and we're rolling right into these listener letters.
Speaker 2: I guess I'll jump in and start with the first one. Hey,
Speaker 2: Kadina de Val, It's Breede writing from Texas. What up?
Speaker 2: Breed from Texas. First, I would like to say I
Speaker 2: love your family, and I'm truly inspired and you're truly
Speaker 2: inspired to Oh my goodness, and I'm truly inspired to
Speaker 2: have one of my own one day. Okay, so boom.
Speaker 2: I'm twenty three years old, and recently my father has
Speaker 2: popped back into my life after being absent for twenty
Speaker 2: one of those years. Wow, so only two years with dad.
Speaker 2: My mom did an amazing job raising me on her own.
Speaker 2: I never wanted or needed for anything because of her.
Speaker 2: That brings me to say that over the past few months,
Speaker 2: my father and I have commund have had communication more
Speaker 2: than ever before, but it's still not enough for me.
Speaker 2: He and my mother seem to be rekindling a friendship
Speaker 2: slash relationship quote unquote, and I'm not sure how I
Speaker 2: feel about it, simply because they're acting oblivious to the
Speaker 2: years of his absence and the hurt that he has
Speaker 2: caused me. Imagine living twenty minutes from your father and
Speaker 2: seeing him and your siblings maybe once every two years.
Speaker 2: Mind you, my parents were high school sweethearts who had
Speaker 2: me in college, but split shortly after my father was
Speaker 2: able to finish school marry a woman who was not
Speaker 2: fond of myself or my mother? Are you picking up
Speaker 2: what I'm putting down? And that's what she said, and
Speaker 2: went on to have two of my siblings, all while
Speaker 2: my mother put her life on hold for me. That
Speaker 2: woman is my hero, and I understand that I cannot
Speaker 2: tell her who she can and cannot forgive. But it's
Speaker 2: hard when you watch your single mother pick up the
Speaker 2: slack to raise you because your father chose to be
Speaker 2: absent and let his wife dictate the relationship with his
Speaker 2: oldest child, a daughter at that. In my daddy issue opinion,
Speaker 2: he should be hauling as towards a relationship with me
Speaker 2: rather than fixing one with my mother. I feel as
Speaker 2: though the interactions that my father and I have are
Speaker 2: for brownie points for my mother and not genuinely for
Speaker 2: our relationship growth. So it's difficult, very difficult to accept.
Speaker 2: Maybe it's the virgo in me. My mom continues to
Speaker 2: call me a brat girl. Be for real, that's what
Speaker 2: she said too, because of how I'm acting, But she
Speaker 2: simply doesn't understand my point of view, which has now
Speaker 2: put a strain on our relationship. Damn, the feelings that
Speaker 2: I have tucked away over the years are now resurfacing.
Speaker 2: I honestly don't know if it's jealousy, anger, or just
Speaker 2: plain hurt. Should I be happy for my mother? Am
Speaker 2: I selfish? If I'm not? Are my feelings valid? What
Speaker 2: advice would you give me on handling these emotions and
Speaker 2: unhealed trauma? Thank you guys? Wow, what a loaded situation.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie this topic is.
Speaker 1: I'm biased because three of the closest people to me
Speaker 1: are dealing with baby mothers who are purposely trying to
Speaker 1: keep their children away from them, and have kept their
Speaker 1: children away from them. One for over a year, one
Speaker 1: for over three months, and one they have to go
Speaker 1: to court right now. And these are good men who
Speaker 1: want to be fathers, who are fighting just to be
Speaker 1: in their children's life, and moms are keeping them away
Speaker 1: for leverage, for whatever reasons they have. So I'm biased
Speaker 1: because it's hard for me to hear any story like
Speaker 1: this and automatically jump on the dude and be like,
Speaker 1: he should be doing this, he should be doing that.
Speaker 1: I watch these men do everything to be in their
Speaker 1: children's lives and still get fucked one by the court
Speaker 1: system and two by that woman who is scorn for
Speaker 1: whatever reason, you know. So I don't want to put
Speaker 1: my biased opinion on what I think about this because
Speaker 1: I really still don't know enough context. But what I
Speaker 1: will say is people, especially children, feel like parents owe
Speaker 1: them something.
Speaker 3: I know I do. I feel like I didn't ask
Speaker 3: to come here.
Speaker 1: I'm here off your guilty pleasures you owe me, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So I think she's right and
Speaker 1: feel like you should be trying to build a relationship
Speaker 1: with me as opposed to my mom.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. I just don't know what
Speaker 3: went on with him and the mom that he was away,
Speaker 3: you know, I don't know.
Speaker 2: So my follow up questions were, what caused you and
Speaker 2: your mom and dad to split? And it could be
Speaker 2: just college school because he said the father went on
Speaker 2: to finish school but mom didn't. So was it just like, Okay,
Speaker 2: we had to split because we're trying to both make
Speaker 2: something of ourselves and go to college and then possibly rekindle.
Speaker 2: But then he meets homegirl and then has two children
Speaker 2: with her. So maybe there was really still some love
Speaker 2: there between her mom and dad and the situation or
Speaker 2: the circumstances didn't allow for them to be together. But
Speaker 2: I don't think that takes away from the hurt that
Speaker 2: she feels, you know, at this point. So if things
Speaker 2: are not not working out with her father's wife, who
Speaker 2: she has the two he has the two siblings with,
Speaker 2: and now he's coming back to mom because they were
Speaker 2: legitimately high school sweethearts, and maybe again immaturity that time
Speaker 2: of life, you know you're getting also the advice of
Speaker 2: parents and other people around when you're young, that also
Speaker 2: sometimes skews your decision making process. So that might have
Speaker 2: been the case for her father and her mother. I
Speaker 2: do agree with her though, in that she should she
Speaker 2: should feel a way that her father is not really
Speaker 2: actively making some sort of effort, and genuine effort at that,
Speaker 2: to make some sort of relationship with her. I think
Speaker 2: if he did exhibit the desire to want a relationship
Speaker 2: with her and it organically authentically happened, that in itself
Speaker 2: would probably drive her mom to say, wow, like, look
Speaker 2: at how he's trying to pour into our daughter again
Speaker 2: and build this relationship, and that might spark something with them.
Speaker 2: But I think she feels like the outsider in the
Speaker 2: circumstance because they're canodling and she's like, hey, what about me.
Speaker 1: One thing I won't do like I said, because I
Speaker 1: know I'm going to be biased because the three people
Speaker 1: I'm talking about are dealing with these issues right now.
Speaker 1: I don't want to speak on the mother and father
Speaker 1: relationship because anytime you try to build a narrative around
Speaker 1: what could be, it could necessarily.
Speaker 3: Just not be that right.
Speaker 1: But I will say this though, all of those three
Speaker 1: men that I'm talking about are deliberate about having relationships
Speaker 1: with their children, and it seems like he dropped the
Speaker 1: ball on that, especially since they live twenty minutes away
Speaker 1: unless there was a court order, which once.
Speaker 3: Again we don't know.
Speaker 1: We don't know why twenty minutes away would you not
Speaker 1: have relationship with your daughter unless there is a court order,
Speaker 1: in which case we knew with one of the friends
Speaker 1: of potent out there was a court order for a
Speaker 1: year where he couldn't see his.
Speaker 3: Daughter for no other reason other than the mom was
Speaker 3: just lying.
Speaker 2: But what if her mom, unbeknownst to her, was making
Speaker 2: it difficult for him and his wife, you know, and
Speaker 2: her mom is not coming clean and saying girl like
Speaker 2: I gave him, I gave him a way to go,
Speaker 2: not even you know.
Speaker 1: That's why I'm saying it's hard for me to create
Speaker 1: an idea of why the parents I wish he would
Speaker 1: have done a better job of having a relationship with
Speaker 1: his daughter, because there's no excuse for that unless there's
Speaker 1: a court order or like in some of the circumstances
Speaker 1: we see, it's causing more issues for my current family
Speaker 1: to try because every time I try, that person is
Speaker 1: making it difficult for my wife and my kids now.
Speaker 1: So at some point it's like, what am I supposed
Speaker 1: to do here? And it's just me as a man,
Speaker 1: and I'm not judging. No, man, I've never been through this.
Speaker 1: I've watched one of my friends lose everything in his
Speaker 1: safe things trying to do this. I will another one
Speaker 1: lose almost everything trying to get back their child. And
Speaker 1: my brother is going through it right now with his
Speaker 1: baby's mother. But I will say this if it were me,
Speaker 1: there's nothing you can do to keep me away from
Speaker 1: my child period. And I watched those those men and
Speaker 1: women feel the same way, like there's just nothing you
Speaker 1: can do to keep me away from my child.
Speaker 3: I hope she's able to find reconciliation with her dad.
Speaker 2: I hope so too. I think your feelings definitely are
Speaker 2: valid to answer your questions, I don't know if you
Speaker 2: should be happy for your mother. I know how much
Speaker 2: you love your mother and you feel like she was
Speaker 2: the one who really carried you through all these years,
Speaker 2: But you can't acknowledge your feelings, and I think that
Speaker 2: you may be better equipped with someone like a therapist
Speaker 2: who can help you kind of unhash and really dig deep.
Speaker 2: And you know, maybe involving your mom and dad now
Speaker 2: that maybe it way to bring you guys together by
Speaker 2: putting everybody in one room and say, okay, Mom, Dad,
Speaker 2: Here's how I feel. That's it, Here's how I feel.
Speaker 1: If she really wants understanding and reconciliation, she should get
Speaker 1: them too in the room since they want a canoodle. Now,
Speaker 1: can y'all please let me know the history of what
Speaker 1: happened during my life in my childhood, Like, I just
Speaker 1: want to know how I live twenty minutes away from
Speaker 1: my dad and I wasn't able and I want you
Speaker 1: both in a room so y'all can tell me the truth.
Speaker 3: So I want to know exactly what it is. And
Speaker 3: I'm not judging, No, I just want to know what
Speaker 3: happened the previous twenty years. I know how to move.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to blame anybody. Oh you moved that
Speaker 1: way because she did this. Oh you moved that way
Speaker 1: because he did that. Okay, I understand that. So I'm
Speaker 1: just a byproduct of YouTube being young and immature, and.
Speaker 3: I had to deal with that.
Speaker 1: Now that I know why we're here and what happened,
Speaker 1: it can help me move forward. That's the best advice
Speaker 1: you said. She should speak to both of them collectively,
Speaker 1: have a mediator to make sure stuff stays there.
Speaker 2: And you're twenty three now, so they can respect you.
Speaker 2: As an adult and say, hey, there's no you don't
Speaker 2: know how to hide anything anymore. Like I'm an adult.
Speaker 2: We're all adults here, and like you said, no judgment.
Speaker 3: I just want to know.
Speaker 2: I just want to know. So good luck to you
Speaker 2: sis as you continue to heal and deal with these emotions.
Speaker 2: I hope you can find some reconciliation with your parents.
Speaker 3: Absolutely. Number two, Dear Kadeen and dval.
Speaker 1: I wrote this letter at two am by my pool
Speaker 1: side with tears streaming down my eyes.
Speaker 3: This is at least I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: This is the second time my husband and I had
Speaker 1: a physical fight in our relationship for seven years, and
Speaker 1: this time it was in front of our one year
Speaker 1: old baby. I vowed to never be in a relationship
Speaker 1: that gets physical, much less to have it occur in
Speaker 1: front of my son. I cannot overcome the guilt and
Speaker 1: shame I feel for having him witness this crying or
Speaker 1: because I decided to hold on to him, to take
Speaker 1: him and prepare his midnight bottle like I always do
Speaker 1: in aggression from an argument earlier, but his father had
Speaker 1: already prepared one and came in the room and asked
Speaker 1: for the baby. I just ignored him and went to
Speaker 1: the kitchen. Then there he came bulldozing me over to
Speaker 1: collect the baby, so I pushed him back and it
Speaker 1: went down from there. It's so sad my passive aggression
Speaker 1: has become has because wait, my passive aggression was because
Speaker 1: he called cursing me out because I had my new
Speaker 1: work employer put the parking sticker on his car that
Speaker 1: I used and claims it's going to damage his tent.
Speaker 3: A tent guys. Ps.
Speaker 1: We switched cars because of the distance and his is electric.
Speaker 1: I never thought something so small and insignificant could catapult
Speaker 1: because it really had nothing to do with that can
Speaker 1: catapult into this. Kadeen, don't bash me, please. He sweats
Speaker 1: the small stuff and I'm so tired. Tell me what
Speaker 1: I know and what I need to know. Please signs steal.
Speaker 1: First of all, worthy he First of all, this is
Speaker 1: a domestic Yeah, like this is nothing to be joking
Speaker 1: about it No, not at all.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 1: This is once again man. Sometimes you guys write in
Speaker 1: with these things and we we need context and we
Speaker 1: really want to help you guys, and it would be
Speaker 1: better if we can hear both sides. One thing I
Speaker 1: will say though, is that if you're at a point
Speaker 1: in your marriage seven years. It should never get physical,
Speaker 1: and it should never get to a point where you're
Speaker 1: screaming and cursing at each other. Yes, Kaudein and I
Speaker 1: have talked about times where we've screamed and cursed at
Speaker 1: each other, definitely, But when it gets to a point
Speaker 1: where that leads to violence, both parties need to really
Speaker 1: take heed of what's going on here, because based on
Speaker 1: even what she said, he was bulldozing her.
Speaker 3: She pushed him like right, escalator from from there.
Speaker 1: Somebody at some point has to make a choice to
Speaker 1: de escalate, and it seems like in this situation, neither
Speaker 1: party was willing to de escalate.
Speaker 3: De escalate. I understand that they have a one year
Speaker 3: one year old son. One year old. There are a
Speaker 3: lot more issues.
Speaker 1: When you have a one year old, because you're dealing
Speaker 1: with sleep deprivation, you're dealing with hormone changes, you're dealing.
Speaker 3: With the lifestyle changing of YouTube.
Speaker 1: Because it was just two of you, now it's three
Speaker 1: of you, and there's someone else that you both have
Speaker 1: to consider.
Speaker 2: Said, this is the second time that they had a
Speaker 2: physical fight in their relationship of seven years. So what
Speaker 2: happened prior to this one year old baby, right, because
Speaker 2: there was a pregnancy in the baby once at least
Speaker 2: two years. So within that first what five years? What
Speaker 2: happened that caused that? And is there gonna be another?
Speaker 2: Because if there was one, there's two these two, is
Speaker 2: there gonna be three?
Speaker 3: And if they don't deal with their issues, there will
Speaker 3: be a three?
Speaker 2: And why is it escalating to physical violence?
Speaker 3: You know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Like you can yell, you can argue, you can scream,
Speaker 2: you can go to your corners, but when it becomes physical,
Speaker 2: that's when it becomes a big issue. So I think
Speaker 2: there really needs to be a hashing out and a
Speaker 2: digging down to see what exactly the root of the
Speaker 2: issue is. Why are we resorting to violence because that's
Speaker 2: not acceptable from either party, And that's from a woman
Speaker 2: being physical to a man and vice versa, And it
Speaker 2: seems like a person to person, it's not even man
Speaker 2: and woman.
Speaker 1: There are certain things here that I just think that
Speaker 1: it's just like passive aggressiveness is terrible, and pettiness is terrible,
Speaker 1: and being upset about a tent sticker, right, it probably
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with the tent sticker has everything
Speaker 1: to do with other unresolved issues that haven't been dealt with,
Speaker 1: or being passive aggressive probably has nothing to do with
Speaker 1: the bottle and everything to do with issues that have
Speaker 1: not been done with. Right, And if I'm being honest,
Speaker 1: because this is no joking matter, physical assault often leads
Speaker 1: to jail time or someone being murdered, especially in domestic abuse,
Speaker 1: So this has to be dealt with a young lady.
Speaker 1: I hope you can hear us as we talk to you. Now,
Speaker 1: this is not funny to us. Kadean would never bash
Speaker 1: you on this, and neither would I. But it says
Speaker 1: that you're tired. If you're tired, seek help. This is
Speaker 1: not something that a podcast can help you with.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: This is something that you guys need to go get
Speaker 1: professional help because if it extends to physical educations, it's
Speaker 1: beyond the scope of what we can help you guys with.
Speaker 1: And she's just the guys on this tree.
Speaker 2: And you say he sweats the small stuff. It may
Speaker 2: be small to you, but maybe it's not small to him.
Speaker 2: Like I had to learn that with Deval. There were
Speaker 2: some things that I'm like, he'd be like if this
Speaker 2: happened to you, or if I did this to you,
Speaker 2: you would feel this way, And I'm like, actually, no,
Speaker 2: I wouldn't feel that way. Just because you would feel
Speaker 2: that way doesn't mean I'm going to feel that way.
Speaker 2: So I realized that just because things that he sweat
Speaker 2: that I thought were small things to me weren't big
Speaker 2: didn't take away from the fact that it still bothered him.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 2: So you guys need to come to some sort of
Speaker 2: understanding about what these things are and what the underlying
Speaker 2: issues are, so.
Speaker 1: And understanding that just because something doesn't bother you doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that it's small. For example, I cut Jackson's here
Speaker 1: when he was one. Kadeen had a conniption, Sure did.
Speaker 1: I thought it wasn't a big deal. And if I'd
Speaker 1: have said to her, I think it's small, she'd have
Speaker 1: been upset about it. Just because it's not a big
Speaker 1: deal to you doesn't mean you can call it small
Speaker 1: for something else to somebody else.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and so then it might be the biggest thing
Speaker 2: in real life.
Speaker 3: So I hope you guys actually see seek real help.
Speaker 1: All all we can do is give you advice based
Speaker 1: on a little bit of context we gave, But please
Speaker 1: seek help, guys.
Speaker 2: For sure, all Right, y'all, keep writing in if you
Speaker 2: want to be featured as one of our listener letters.
Speaker 2: One of these good old days, Tripple might just pick you,
Speaker 2: all right. Email us at deadass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: Alrighty, moment of truth time, we're talking amen with mama issues.
Speaker 1: Yes, my moment of truth is once again very simple. Right,
Speaker 1: even if you had a great mom like I had
Speaker 1: a great mom, right, I think it's important for everyone
Speaker 1: to go back and look at your relationship with your mom,
Speaker 1: especially if you're planning on having relationships with women, and
Speaker 1: see how your relationship with your mom can rear its
Speaker 1: head with the women that you date, the women that
Speaker 1: you choose to even entertain, and how you just treat
Speaker 1: women in general, even not the women that you're dating,
Speaker 1: but it's women in general, because you'll find that the
Speaker 1: way your mom raised you or didn't raise you, or
Speaker 1: nurtured you or didn't nurture you definitely affects how you
Speaker 1: see all women in your life.
Speaker 2: For sure, I'm thinking it from the mom perspective, since
Speaker 2: I'm a mom with four boys, and I would encourage
Speaker 2: moms because I can understand that later on in life,
Speaker 2: when my boys are men, they may say, Mom, you
Speaker 2: did this or you didn't do that that made me
Speaker 2: feel this way, And it may be impossible for all
Speaker 2: four boys to feel my intentions as a mother. But
Speaker 2: I do want to encourage those moms out there, particularly
Speaker 2: moms of boys, because we're speaking about men with mommy issues,
Speaker 2: just to try to find a balance, to find that
Speaker 2: sweet spot between being that nurturer who cares, who loves
Speaker 2: on these children, but also the disciplinarian as well, who
Speaker 2: wants to kind of rule with somewhat of an iron fist,
Speaker 2: so that we're raising strong men as well, but who
Speaker 2: are emotionally aware and sound and know how to treat
Speaker 2: themselves and treat the others around them, and particularly women
Speaker 2: if they do decide to get into a relationship with
Speaker 2: a woman later. Definitely, all righty y'all be sure to
Speaker 2: follow us on Patreon to get exclusive dead Ass podcast content,
Speaker 2: all daycay episodes, and exclusive fun family content. Let me
Speaker 2: tell you, since twenty twenty four starting, we've had so
Speaker 2: much great content on Patreon. Devou's fortieth birthday Jackson's thirteenth.
Speaker 2: There's just been so many things to watch and to
Speaker 2: tune into, so be sure to do that. And if
Speaker 2: you have not been following us yet on social media,
Speaker 2: hit us on dead Ass the Podcast. You can find
Speaker 2: me at Kadine I Am.
Speaker 1: And I Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, and.
Speaker 2: Subscribe dead Ass, Baby, Yeah.
Speaker 3: God.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
Speaker 1: is produced by Donor Pinya and Tribble. Follow the podcast
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