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Speaker 1: Gentlemen, we all got mommy issues in some form of fashion.

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Speaker 2: That ass well. Being a mom of four boys, I'm

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Speaker 2: hyper sensitive about trying to avoid raising who will be

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Speaker 2: young men or men with mommy issues. Hey, I'm Kadeen

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Speaker 2: and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.

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Speaker 3: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

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Speaker 2: Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.

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Speaker 3: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 2: And one more important thing to mention, we're married.

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Speaker 3: Yes, sir, we are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: Li's most taboo topics.

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Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 3: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

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Speaker 3: is a term that we say every day.

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Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts

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Speaker 1: one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but

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Speaker 1: the truth.

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Speaker 3: We about to take Billows off to our whole new level.

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Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: Story time, So I'm gonna take you guys back to

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Speaker 1: twenty eighteen. This is when we had the three boys.

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Speaker 1: Kyra and Kas were two under two, and Kay and

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Speaker 1: I were just all over the place. This is when

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Speaker 1: we were at the peak of beginning to be quote

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Speaker 1: unquote influencers. You know, we were speaking at so many

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Speaker 1: different events, we were filming, we were traveling like twice

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Speaker 1: a month, and we needed a lot of help. And

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Speaker 1: my dad called us said he I just want to

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Speaker 1: talk to you guys about something. And anytime my father

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Speaker 1: calls me to tell me he wants to talk to

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Speaker 1: me about something, I know he's speaking on someone's behalf

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Speaker 1: because he's never that upfront about speaking to me about

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Speaker 1: what his issues are.

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Speaker 3: So I was like, what's up.

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Speaker 1: He was just like, well, your mom kind of feels

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Speaker 1: a way because you know, number one, when y'all say

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Speaker 1: y'all coming to our house, you don't say scooping Nana's house.

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Speaker 3: You say scoops house. So I was like, okay, you

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Speaker 3: know it's fair. I get it. It's both your house,

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Speaker 3: I get it. What else? She also feels a way.

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Speaker 1: That when you guys come to Canarsie, you take the

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Speaker 1: kids to Kay's parents' house as opposed to bringing them

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Speaker 1: to our house. And I immediately got defensive because I'm like, well,

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Speaker 1: they ask for the kids, and he was like, well,

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Speaker 1: your mom is trying not to be an overbearing mom

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Speaker 1: because you know, that's Kay's mom and she should be

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Speaker 1: here and and I immediately was just like, well, when

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Speaker 1: we had all of the kids, it was Kay's mom

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Speaker 1: and grandma who came here the most to help. And

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Speaker 1: it became a back and forth, And in that moment,

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Speaker 1: I realized like, well, the back and forth isn't really

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Speaker 1: between me and my pops. It's between me and my

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Speaker 1: fault my mom. So I should go speak to my

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Speaker 1: mom about it. So I ended up speaking to my mom.

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Speaker 1: During that conversation, I learned a lot about my mom,

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Speaker 1: but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself and

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Speaker 1: opening up to her to tell her how the things

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Speaker 1: that she had dated in order to kind of help

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Speaker 1: us and our relationship affected me. And it was helpful

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Speaker 1: because I had never said these things out loud, So

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Speaker 1: since I had never said these things out loud, I

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Speaker 1: didn't realize how much it bothered me. And having that

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Speaker 1: conversation with my mom and learning why she made decisions

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Speaker 1: but also realizing how her decisions made me feel a

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Speaker 1: way made me realize that I grew up with mammy

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Speaker 1: issues all right.

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Speaker 2: Karaoke time so we couldn't even.

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Speaker 3: Choose between.

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Speaker 1: Songs about Mama, because you know, you know, the first

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Speaker 1: thing is in mama, right.

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Speaker 2: You should be Mama.

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Speaker 4: You know I love you, And then dear Mama, lead dune,

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Speaker 4: you know I love you, sweet dear Mama.

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Speaker 2: And then of course my people, thank you Mama for

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Speaker 2: the nine months you're carrying me all the pain and suffer.

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Speaker 2: And then lastly, always the mom.

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Speaker 3: Mom, she's my favorite girl.

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Speaker 1: Hey, hey, hey, all right, so we're gonna take a

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Speaker 1: quick break after I Metley. I'm tired after the medley

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Speaker 1: of Mama songs, and we're gonna pay some bills when

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Speaker 1: we come back. We get into these mommy issues a

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Speaker 1: lot if a gentlemen don't realize that we have all.

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Speaker 2: Right now, we'll be back, all right, So back to

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Speaker 2: story time. That was interesting, how a conversation that started

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Speaker 2: with you kind of trying to, I guess, kind of

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Speaker 2: check your mom in a sense, I was my father

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Speaker 2: brought it to me, right, But then when you had

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Speaker 2: to go speak to your mom about it, because you

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Speaker 2: said there was a kind of a back and forth

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Speaker 2: between with you and your dad, and then you were

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Speaker 2: probably like knowing you, of course knowing you that I

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Speaker 2: was gonna get to the source, and you probably were like, Damn,

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Speaker 2: I gotta check my mama. This is how she feels. Yes,

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Speaker 2: you know, I want to know how she feels. Right.

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Speaker 2: So it's interesting for you to then see how that

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Speaker 2: propelled you into acknowledging or even realizing that you did

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Speaker 2: have underlying issues with your mom, Which is crazy because

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Speaker 2: I look at your mom, and this is from the

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Speaker 2: outside looking in, and I'm sure you can probably attest

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Speaker 2: to it that she was a great mom or she

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Speaker 2: is a great mom. So nothing about your mother ever

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Speaker 2: made me feel like, dam like there's a deficit here,

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Speaker 2: or there's a boy that de Val has because of

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Speaker 2: his mom. But I think we's fare to say we all,

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Speaker 2: to an extent have some sort of issue, no matter

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Speaker 2: how present or not present. Your mom was.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, first of all, I wanted to speak

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Speaker 1: to my mom directly because I felt like there was

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Speaker 1: a mischaracterization of what was happening between us, and it

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Speaker 1: made it seem as if we were choosing your parents

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Speaker 1: over my parents.

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Speaker 3: Right, And I just felt like that was unfair to

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Speaker 3: you as my wife.

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to make it seem like you were

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Speaker 1: choosing because I grew up in a family where there

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Speaker 1: was dissension between the sibling groups above us, my aunts

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Speaker 1: and uncles because people took offence to certain kids going

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Speaker 1: to certain people's houses. I felt like it was bullshit

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Speaker 1: whole life growing up, and I was like, y'all, adults,

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Speaker 1: why y'all can't talk about this and get to the

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Speaker 1: bottom of it. But everybody had their own perception of

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Speaker 1: what was happening, and then it was really what was happening, So.

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Speaker 2: You knew what that affected you and your cousins, and

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Speaker 2: you're like, this is not gonna trickle down to my

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Speaker 2: kids not doing it.

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Speaker 3: I said, I'm not doing it, and I'm not even

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Speaker 3: gonna start there.

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Speaker 1: So I spoke to my mom and the first thing

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Speaker 1: that the first part of the conversation was hey, Ma, like,

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Speaker 1: what's up? Like school told me you felt the way,

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Speaker 1: like what's the problem. And she was just like, yeah, well,

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Speaker 1: you know, we lived six blocks away, and you know

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Speaker 1: those are my grandkids too.

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Speaker 3: I would like to see my grandkids. And I said,

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Speaker 3: that's that's.

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Speaker 1: Fair, right, But you also realize that people asked to

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Speaker 1: see your grandkids, you know, like Kay's mom calls and

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Speaker 1: comes by the house we lived in the apartment for

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Speaker 1: ten years. You came by maybe three times, right, you know,

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Speaker 1: like her mom is very present, and she said to me, well,

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Speaker 1: there's a reason why. And this is when I started

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Speaker 1: to learn about like trauma, trauma that affects you as

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Speaker 1: a child. My dad's mom was that southern mom, like,

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Speaker 1: my way of doing everything is the best way.

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Speaker 3: You young women don't know how to do anything, so

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Speaker 3: let me.

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Speaker 1: Come in here and just do everything. And she also

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Speaker 1: didn't mean any harm. She really felt like she was

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Speaker 1: helping out. My grandmother would come to my parents house

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Speaker 1: for two weeks for Christmas vacation the minute she got

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Speaker 1: in there because her and my grandfather used to drive

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Speaker 1: in the middle of the day, so typically they got

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Speaker 1: to my parents' house. So wherever home they were staying

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Speaker 1: in and this was the whole thing. Wherever Nana and

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Speaker 1: Papa were staying that year was the place that the

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Speaker 1: whole family congregated. So sometimes it was my Aunt Debbie,

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Speaker 1: sometimes it was my mom and dad, sometimes it was

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Speaker 1: my aunt Monique, and then it was the other.

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Speaker 3: Aunt and uncle who the dissension happened.

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Speaker 1: So my grandparents never stayed there, so it was watching

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Speaker 1: those things as a young child. That made me realize, like,

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Speaker 1: I don't ever want that to be my family. So

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Speaker 1: we're gonna nip things in the bud early. So they

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Speaker 1: were driving. They would get to our house at like

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Speaker 1: three point thirty in the afternoon. My parents are still

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Speaker 1: not back from work yet. First thing, my grandmother would

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Speaker 1: come in house.

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Speaker 3: Y'all ain't put in the tree up yet. Why y'all

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Speaker 3: got this like this? Why these couches over there? Let

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Speaker 3: me go do this? And then she would move.

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Speaker 1: She would move stuff out the pantry, put pots in

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Speaker 1: different places, move furniture, and.

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Speaker 2: Essentially rearrange your mother into this entire house and.

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Speaker 1: Say it in a way that's condescending, as if like

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Speaker 1: my mom doesn't know what she's doing, but it's just

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Speaker 1: a different type of life, Like my mom does things

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Speaker 1: her way right.

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Speaker 3: And my mother would come home and I remember.

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Speaker 1: My mother walking in the house and to everything, and

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Speaker 1: she was like, it's two weeks, Karen, it's two weeks.

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Speaker 1: It's just two weeks, right. She wouldn't complain, she wouldn't

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Speaker 1: say nothing, but she would be annoyed. And at the time,

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Speaker 1: as a child, I didn't see how annoying that was

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Speaker 1: to my mom. So my mom said, when she became

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Speaker 1: a mother in love, like you like to say, she

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Speaker 1: wouldn't do the same things to you that was done

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Speaker 1: to her. So in a sense, she thought she was

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Speaker 1: helping by not being overbearing and saying, hey, I'm here

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Speaker 1: when you need me, but I'm not going to just overstep.

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Speaker 1: So I said, that's fair. I took it a different way.

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Speaker 1: I said, it bothered me a lot. That's the women

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Speaker 1: in K's life were here and for a lot of things,

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Speaker 1: and my mom wasn't right.

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Speaker 2: And it's funny how she didn't even vocalize that really

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Speaker 2: if you had to sit her down to get this

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Speaker 2: out of her, because it wasn't even like she was like, hey, y'all,

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Speaker 2: I'm here if you need me. She was just like

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Speaker 2: completely detached to certain points. And you were like, what's

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Speaker 2: going on? Like why is my mom like not present?

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Speaker 2: And I asked you about it too, because I'm used

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Speaker 2: to my side of family just like they usually anticipate

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Speaker 2: like what you may need. So my mom is like, well,

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Speaker 2: I know Deval is gonna be working. K has this

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Speaker 2: going on. They may need help with it, you know,

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Speaker 2: so let me offer you know. So it's funny that

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Speaker 2: she didn't feel comfortable just opening up and saying, hey,

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Speaker 2: I'm here if y'all need me.

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Speaker 1: You know, well, my mom did say I'm here if

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Speaker 1: you need me. And that's some things you don't have

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Speaker 1: to say. My mom to say, hey, you know, I'm

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Speaker 1: here if you need me.

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Speaker 3: Cool. I get that.

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Speaker 1: But when your mom says, hey, bring the boys by,

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Speaker 1: or she comes by to watch the boys, I don't

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Speaker 1: need you, ma, because someone here al says already volunteered

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Speaker 1: and taking the steps, so I don't have to call

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Speaker 1: or even another thing. When I bring the kids to

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Speaker 1: my parents' house and my mom comes home from work

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Speaker 1: and she does like my mom is doing since I

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Speaker 1: was a child, and she's annoyed by everything you do

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Speaker 1: as a child because she just came in from work.

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Speaker 1: The kids don't want to be around that. The kids

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Speaker 1: want to be able to jump around and laugh and

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Speaker 1: do itself. They don't want to seem like they're bothering people.

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Speaker 1: So the kids would ask, you know, can we go

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Speaker 1: my uncle Brian's house? You know, can we go to

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Speaker 1: Mimi and Papa's house, because they can just do whatever

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Speaker 1: they want to do as kids would want to do.

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Speaker 1: So I started to explain to my mom what it's

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Speaker 1: like being in the house with her, even when we

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Speaker 1: bring the kids by. And then we started speaking about

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Speaker 1: my upbringing and how I felt in the house as

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Speaker 1: a child, and the stresses I felt, and the way

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Speaker 1: I felt as the oldest, how I felt like a

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Speaker 1: lot of things were just dumped on me as the oldest.

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Speaker 2: And so, what were some of the things that you

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Speaker 2: felt like your mom did or didn't do to make

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Speaker 2: you feel like this is the root of my mommy issues.

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Speaker 1: Well, the biggest thing, the root of my mommy issues

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Speaker 1: was my mom was never really really affectionate.

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Speaker 3: My mom is a thug.

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Speaker 1: Like Karen Ellis is the sweetest, the sweetest person in

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Speaker 1: the world. Like my mother would really do anything for you,

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Speaker 1: give you the shirt off her back. She would anything

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Speaker 1: you ask my mom is doing. But growing up as

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Speaker 1: a child, you really don't like you don't go to

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Speaker 1: ask your mom for stuff.

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Speaker 3: You just expect your mom to just do things. I'm

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Speaker 3: a child.

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Speaker 2: I saw something recently, it might have been a meme

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Speaker 2: or something I was looking at online, and it said

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Speaker 2: that boys specifically go to their father and they get

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Speaker 2: their oxytocin from their dads. By like rough housing, playing

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Speaker 2: running joke like that's how the oxytocin is released for

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Speaker 2: boys when they interact with their dads. But with the moms,

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Speaker 2: the oxytocin release happens through intimate moments snuggling, never doing that.

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Speaker 2: You know, that's where boys get their oxytocin releases from moms.

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Speaker 3: So my mom, interesting, this is the way my mom

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Speaker 3: loved us.

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Speaker 1: My mom every Valentine's Day she got his balloons, candy

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Speaker 1: cards right, And it got to a point where when

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Speaker 1: we got thirteen, she would give us those things and

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Speaker 1: then say to us, where's my card? And then it

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Speaker 1: no longer became about her just doing something to love us.

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Speaker 1: It was her teaching us how to be a man,

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Speaker 1: that is, just taking care of a woman. So everything

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Speaker 1: was like a life lesson. We went out on our dates.

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Speaker 1: But then when we went out on the dates, it

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Speaker 1: wasn't like come in, let me hug up on my son.

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Speaker 1: It was like you walk on the outside, you pull

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Speaker 1: my seat out. Everything was like in a disciplinary form.

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Speaker 1: So I never felt coddled. I never felt like affection

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Speaker 1: from my mom. Like my mom never just grabbed us

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Speaker 1: and hugged us or put us on her lap like

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Speaker 1: my mother never did that. Now, my mother did take

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Speaker 1: me and all my friends to the park to go

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Speaker 1: play ball, like she did take us to go play baseball,

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Speaker 1: But even when she take us to go do things,

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Speaker 1: she was the judge, jury, and executioner.

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Speaker 3: It was this got to be done this way. It

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Speaker 3: was like everything had to be under her control.

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Speaker 1: And it was fun for all of the other kids

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Speaker 1: because they never had a mom take them on and

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Speaker 1: do all this other stuff. It was not fun for

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Speaker 1: me because I get all the same discipline at home.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to hear this lady screaming at me.

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Speaker 1: I hear in front of my friends, like she kicked

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Speaker 1: me out the game because I'm swinging the bat right

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Speaker 1: and I swing the bat and if I get contact,

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Speaker 1: my hands would like pow and the bat would fly

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Speaker 1: out my hands. And she's like, stop dropping the bat,

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Speaker 1: stop throwing the bat. And I'm like, I'm not throwing

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Speaker 1: the bat, but it's like it's coming out, mind you.

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Speaker 3: I'm ten. So I go to hit the ball.

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Speaker 1: Boom it flies and the bat flies out and she's like, no,

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Speaker 1: don't count, don't count, that's out.

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Speaker 3: You out. I told you stop throwing the bat Yo

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Speaker 3: like nobody.

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Speaker 2: She became humpire and everything all at once, and.

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Speaker 3: We were talking ten and I'm under my brethen nobody

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Speaker 3: has to be to the point.

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Speaker 2: So it was supposed to be a fun moment with her.

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Speaker 2: Just did it turned out to be right. I remember

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Speaker 2: one time I was helping Jackson with a homework assignment.

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Speaker 2: It was a writing assignment, and I was trying to,

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Speaker 2: you know, get him to understand grammar because I'm like

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Speaker 2: such a big grammar head and stuff like that, and

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00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,400
Speaker 2: it's a completely lost art form nowadays. So my old

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Speaker 2: school way of like doing grammar and things being proper.

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Speaker 2: I was trying to tell him how to say certain

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Speaker 2: things and like the better way to say it. And

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Speaker 2: I remember you pulled me to the side and you

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Speaker 2: were like, listen. What I used to hate was when

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Speaker 2: I had a homework assignment and my mom would race erased,

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Speaker 2: rip up, or rewrite my entire whole thing. Essay. He said,

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Speaker 2: please don't do that to jack because you keep bringing

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Speaker 2: it out to this day.

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Speaker 1: You write a one page assignment the first three and

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Speaker 1: goes no, no, no, and now she she's deleted.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, you ain't even read the rest of it.

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Speaker 3: It's not good. It's not good the way you start.

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Speaker 2: And I'm just like, yeah, so thank you for that,

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Speaker 2: because I'm always so hyper sensitive. Like I said in

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Speaker 2: my SoundBite about making sure that my boys like it's

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Speaker 2: like tolding them line. I've never been a boy, never

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Speaker 2: going to be a boy. I don't know what it's

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Speaker 2: like to be a boy or to be raised in

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Speaker 2: that sense. So I want to make sure that I'm,

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Speaker 2: you know, doing what I need to do as a

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Speaker 2: mom to yes, be affectionate and loving, but also be

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Speaker 2: a disciplinarian, but also have that balance of fun so

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Speaker 2: that they don't feel like, here goes mom again. Like

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Speaker 2: I'm so fearful of my boys as they get older

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Speaker 2: seeing my name pop up on the phone and be

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Speaker 2: like here go mom again. I am going to ask

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Speaker 2: her now, I'll call her back. I would love that

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Speaker 2: my boys are just like, yo, let me call mom.

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Speaker 2: I want to talk to mine. So scared of that,

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00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,640
Speaker 2: and so I appreciate when you jump in sometimes although

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Speaker 2: I may in the moment feel a little like attacked

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Speaker 2: or get defensive, like all I'm trying to do is

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00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,840
Speaker 2: help you are doing a good job, like saying kay,

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Speaker 2: just understand how it could be perceived. As a year old,

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Speaker 2: I don't.

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Speaker 1: I think women realized my mom, who is a woman,

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Speaker 1: would just be on me because she was just like

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Speaker 1: you know how they say mom's nag. Yeah, my mom

349
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,520
Speaker 1: was a nag. And part of the reason why I

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Speaker 1: am who I am today is because of my mom.

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Speaker 1: So I can't just sit here and just dump on

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Speaker 1: her like I'm not the person I am because of her.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:32,280
Speaker 1: Because academically socially, my mom took pride in making sure

355
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Speaker 1: that her children were who she wanted them to be.

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Speaker 1: And my mother was big on early childhood education. I'd

357
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Speaker 1: say all the time. My mother was the first group

358
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Speaker 1: of blacks that were integrated into white schools in Brooklyn.

359
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Speaker 1: She was a first class to go to Marine Park.

360
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Speaker 1: She was the first class to go to James Madison

361
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Speaker 1: High School, which I ultimately went to. She got chased

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Speaker 1: out of those schools with bats and chains every day. Like,

363
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,880
Speaker 1: my mom was big on making sure that her children

364
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Speaker 1: were receiving the type of education on.

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Speaker 3: Their own terms.

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Speaker 1: My mom was also the one that was at every

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00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:07,040
Speaker 1: PTA meeting, at every parent teacher you know, teacher conference.

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00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,320
Speaker 1: She made it to every game that she could when

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Speaker 1: she could, Like my mom was very supportive. So I

370
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Speaker 1: don't want to make it seem like my mom was

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00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:14,960
Speaker 1: like this deadbeat.

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Speaker 3: Mom that just wasn't definitely not it wasn't that.

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Speaker 1: But what I don't think people realize is like those

374
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Speaker 1: triggers come from somewhere.

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Speaker 3: For me.

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Speaker 1: No times I felt like I was never good enough,

377
00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:28,120
Speaker 1: because when your mom only tells you that you're doing

378
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,000
Speaker 1: something wrong and very rarely says I'm proud of you,

379
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:37,720
Speaker 1: like I never growing up heard the words man, I'm

380
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:41,280
Speaker 1: so so proud of you. Really no, because it was

381
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,000
Speaker 1: always this is what you were expected to do and

382
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Speaker 1: getting a ninety where's the other ten points?

383
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Speaker 2: Oh god, I think that was that generation. I don't know.

384
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Speaker 2: I thought that was just my old West Indian Paris,

385
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,360
Speaker 2: but it seems like that was just like a thing

386
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Speaker 2: it was that they did.

387
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,840
Speaker 1: My mom was all about if you can be perfect

388
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:02,720
Speaker 1: at doing this, not perfect right, then you you didn't

389
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:03,960
Speaker 1: do it good or well enough.

390
00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:06,679
Speaker 2: But I also understood your her frustration with you now

391
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,520
Speaker 2: that you tell the stories and I look back, because

392
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,000
Speaker 2: you did what was required of you, especially when it

393
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,200
Speaker 2: came to school, and she probably was frustrated with you

394
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,359
Speaker 2: because she's like devout. You can be an A plus student,

395
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,760
Speaker 2: so why not be that? And you was like it

396
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,280
Speaker 2: wasn't that important, let me just get back. Was that

397
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,280
Speaker 2: you pushing back against her or was that just in

398
00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:25,000
Speaker 2: general just your attitude towards schooling.

399
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,080
Speaker 3: No, I'm going to be honest.

400
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,080
Speaker 1: I always felt like any like even as a young child,

401
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,800
Speaker 1: me having to sit down in this spot and just

402
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,000
Speaker 1: do what everybody else is doing and prove that I

403
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,280
Speaker 1: can do what everyone else doing.

404
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,320
Speaker 3: Listen, doesn't prove my intelligence.

405
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:41,800
Speaker 2: That's now, that's not doing what anybody else is doing

406
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,000
Speaker 2: or wants them to do either.

407
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:48,720
Speaker 1: So and that was just you in fourth grade if man,

408
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,040
Speaker 1: what was what was what was her name? A fourth

409
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:54,360
Speaker 1: grade teacher? I couldn't stand her, Miss ms Fitzgerald, Miss

410
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:58,840
Speaker 1: Fitzpatrick was Miss fitz something. But I remember she used

411
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,320
Speaker 1: to get on my nerves because I just refused to

412
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:06,040
Speaker 1: do exactly what everyone else was doing at the same time.

413
00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:08,440
Speaker 1: And I used to say to her, I'm not required

414
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,240
Speaker 1: to do that in fourth career, and I got I

415
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:12,080
Speaker 1: used to get in trouble.

416
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,200
Speaker 2: Like to get in trouble, you put probably been a

417
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,840
Speaker 2: good like Montessori kid, you probably were not designed for

418
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,520
Speaker 2: traditional schooling. It doesn't seem like that, you know that.

419
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,280
Speaker 2: That's why they have so many different types of schooling

420
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,640
Speaker 2: now kids. I don't know if they had all that absolutely,

421
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,160
Speaker 2: but like you can see why how people learn differently

422
00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:28,680
Speaker 2: and how they thrive in for certain environments. The traditional

423
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,639
Speaker 2: environment was never for you in any facet.

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00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,159
Speaker 1: Anytime I went on a visitor anywhere where it was

425
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,159
Speaker 1: like an independent style learning or school, I enjoyed it,

426
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,080
Speaker 1: Like like when I went to see the test for

427
00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:38,840
Speaker 1: poly Press.

428
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,320
Speaker 2: About to say, that's why you probably excel there.

429
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, because they told me I have more freedom. I could,

430
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,560
Speaker 3: you know, pick my classes and do all that.

431
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,960
Speaker 1: And I was like, yo, oh my gosh, Like like

432
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,080
Speaker 1: I felt like, oh my gosh, I have some freedom

433
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,639
Speaker 1: and some autonomy over my time. So being young, I

434
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,720
Speaker 1: also felt like in dealing with my mom, a lot

435
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,879
Speaker 1: of the chores in the house fell on me because

436
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:01,840
Speaker 1: I was the oldest and my dad he worked two

437
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,800
Speaker 1: jobs at times, and he was like, I'm not did

438
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,600
Speaker 1: the house thing. That's your thing, Karen, Like is your mom?

439
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,080
Speaker 1: My father's just to say this, Karen, is your house?

440
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,800
Speaker 1: He literally should say that whatever you want to do?

441
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,840
Speaker 3: Is your house. When people used to come over and

442
00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:17,560
Speaker 3: she like, Troy, I just want it, he was like, Karen,

443
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,480
Speaker 3: is your house? Like, do what you want to do.

444
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:20,879
Speaker 3: I'll support it. Just let me know what I got

445
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:21,720
Speaker 3: to do. But it's your house.

446
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,320
Speaker 1: So and that he was hands up, like when it

447
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,200
Speaker 1: came to the kids in the house. So when it

448
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,719
Speaker 1: came down the chores, I'm the oldest.

449
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:33,040
Speaker 3: This is not a lie. Dival and Brian Divalen. Brian, Now,

450
00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:33,600
Speaker 3: I'm nine.

451
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:37,000
Speaker 1: We just moved into this house in KNARSI I'm nine,

452
00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:40,800
Speaker 1: my brother is seven, right, we're not that grown, right,

453
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,880
Speaker 1: But the kitchen got to be clean, the front yard

454
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,880
Speaker 1: got to be clean, the backyard got to be clean,

455
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,240
Speaker 1: the basement got to be clean. Your room's got to

456
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,320
Speaker 1: be clean, the living room got to be clean, the

457
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,879
Speaker 1: dining room got to be clean. I'm nine, you know

458
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,680
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So it's supposed to be me and

459
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,479
Speaker 1: my seven year old brother. Who do you think all

460
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:58,800
Speaker 1: that falls on me?

461
00:20:59,520 --> 00:20:59,639
Speaker 3: Right?

462
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,080
Speaker 1: And then my brother early on knew how to play

463
00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:05,320
Speaker 1: the game. He acted dumb so a lot of times

464
00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:07,200
Speaker 1: and stuff didn't get done. They'd like, if I help

465
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:07,679
Speaker 1: your brother.

466
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,840
Speaker 2: Yo, admitted that he was smart. He was just like,

467
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,560
Speaker 2: you keep acting like you have sense, and that's why

468
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:19,040
Speaker 2: they're going to give you more responsibility. Brian literally said that,

469
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,119
Speaker 2: and I was like, We've been thinking Brian ain't all

470
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,400
Speaker 2: the way there, but he is clearly all the way there.

471
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,320
Speaker 2: And then because he realized how to play the game,

472
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:27,359
Speaker 2: how to work the system.

473
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,960
Speaker 1: So being being the oldest dealing with my mom just

474
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,680
Speaker 1: trying to make sure she made the most productive human

475
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,640
Speaker 1: beings that she possibly could. Also, my mom had fears

476
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,080
Speaker 1: of her children not coming home. We discussed this, like

477
00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:43,320
Speaker 1: you grow up in Brooklyn. She was liked, Val, do

478
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,200
Speaker 1: you know how hard it is? And she cried telling me,

479
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,879
Speaker 1: is you know how hard it is having your children

480
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,480
Speaker 1: be latch key kids at nine and you're at work

481
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,959
Speaker 1: all day in Queen's and your children have to travel

482
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,520
Speaker 1: from school and pick up your youngest child and come

483
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,239
Speaker 1: home and you have to trust him to stay at

484
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,320
Speaker 1: home and then when they get on the subway or

485
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,600
Speaker 1: like the plus do you think I wanted to do that?

486
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,040
Speaker 3: Right? And I was like, she probably didn't want to.

487
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,440
Speaker 2: Definitely, because I'm sure as I wasn't doing that at all.

488
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,600
Speaker 1: She she says, she didn't. Yeah, I didn't when the way,

489
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,800
Speaker 1: I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay.

490
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:14,639
Speaker 3: So it was like, did you do this? Did did

491
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,960
Speaker 3: it get done? And I was just like, you know what, mom?

492
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,520
Speaker 1: Now at thirty at the time it was twenty eighteen.

493
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,439
Speaker 1: I'm thirty four. Because I have children, I understand, right,

494
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,960
Speaker 1: But no one ever explained this to me when I

495
00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:29,560
Speaker 1: was eight.

496
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:31,960
Speaker 2: And you wouldn't have understood it either.

497
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:32,440
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have.

498
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:33,080
Speaker 2: You wouldn't have.

499
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:33,720
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have.

500
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 2: You wouldn't have. But that doesn't also take away from

501
00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:38,119
Speaker 2: how it affected you or impacted you now when to

502
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:40,640
Speaker 2: look back as an adult. And it's crazy because when

503
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,000
Speaker 2: you discussed like how your mom raised you, right, part

504
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,080
Speaker 2: of it was probably out of that's just the best

505
00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:47,080
Speaker 2: they could do in that moment, right, Yeah, part of

506
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,000
Speaker 2: it was out of fear, like she said, wanting to

507
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:51,639
Speaker 2: make sure her children come home. Also to being like,

508
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:55,160
Speaker 2: I want to raise independent children, boys and girls. Because

509
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,720
Speaker 2: you had spoken previously about like her mom trying to

510
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,240
Speaker 2: raise an independent woman based off of their living situation

511
00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,720
Speaker 2: with your grandfather at the time, So now you want

512
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,920
Speaker 2: to make sure that your children are all independent. The

513
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,639
Speaker 2: reverse in my house actually happened with my brother. So

514
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,720
Speaker 2: he's the only boy, he's in the middle, and my

515
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:17,119
Speaker 2: mom was super affectionate, super cuddling, coddling, and then we

516
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,280
Speaker 2: see how that has affected him as he's grown into

517
00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:23,240
Speaker 2: a young man and now a man, and it's like

518
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:27,080
Speaker 2: I now seeing both sides, I'm like, man, I have

519
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,480
Speaker 2: to find that right balance because we're so fearful of

520
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:34,959
Speaker 2: raising boys who are extra coddled and don't know how

521
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:38,879
Speaker 2: to fend for themselves and aren't given those tools to

522
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,240
Speaker 2: make sure that they can be successful as men. And

523
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:46,000
Speaker 2: it's a really hard towing of the line that needs

524
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:46,480
Speaker 2: to happen.

525
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:47,480
Speaker 3: Absolutely.

526
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,119
Speaker 2: I think us as parents are so hyper sensitive and

527
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 2: aware of now, especially having four boys.

528
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,000
Speaker 1: And the thing is there's no black and white right

529
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,960
Speaker 1: or wrong way to do things. You trying to figure

530
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,920
Speaker 1: it out because you also have to exist in living

531
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,160
Speaker 1: your own space as a woman.

532
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:01,439
Speaker 3: Right.

533
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,359
Speaker 1: Another thing, I noticed that the way my mom and

534
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,440
Speaker 1: my dad interacted affected my relationships with women, and the

535
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,359
Speaker 1: same way with your brother, the way your mom and

536
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:14,200
Speaker 1: dad interacted affected him and his relationships with women. And

537
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,520
Speaker 1: even watching for twelve years when I was doing prototype,

538
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:23,400
Speaker 1: I watched the young men's behaviors who had good relationships

539
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,600
Speaker 1: with their moms. I watched their relationships when they came

540
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,280
Speaker 1: down for prom and when they went to college, and

541
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,639
Speaker 1: the issues they fell into when they got to college

542
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,639
Speaker 1: with women, and I saw the correlation between them and

543
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,840
Speaker 1: their moms, Like I saw the young men who struggled

544
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,399
Speaker 1: with self esteem because their moms always told them you

545
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,040
Speaker 1: wasn't shit and you ain't gonna be shit.

546
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:43,880
Speaker 3: And when I speak to the moms.

547
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,520
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, why talk to him like that?

548
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,600
Speaker 1: And they would just say things like, first of all,

549
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:53,880
Speaker 1: they lacked awareness. They thought that they were being tough

550
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,199
Speaker 1: on them because the fathers weren't around. So then they

551
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:58,840
Speaker 1: were just like, you know something, I got to be

552
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:02,920
Speaker 1: touch Yeah, I'm not raising no punk, you know, so

553
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,200
Speaker 1: I got to make sure that he's tough.

554
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:06,800
Speaker 3: And I'm just explain to him, like I get it.

555
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:10,400
Speaker 1: But you can raise them to be tough by providing

556
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,000
Speaker 1: them with other male role models that can teach the

557
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:16,439
Speaker 1: type of the toughness that's not toxic or radioactive. Right,

558
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,760
Speaker 1: But then I also learned not to not judge those

559
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:23,040
Speaker 1: women because they are in this situation alone. But then

560
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:25,040
Speaker 1: I also did realize, like, why are you in this

561
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,600
Speaker 1: situation alone? Because if you spoke to that man the

562
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:29,960
Speaker 1: way you speak to your son, that's probably why that

563
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,919
Speaker 1: man ain't in that house. And that's when I started

564
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:37,679
Speaker 1: to like unfold a lot of these like family dynamics,

565
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:39,920
Speaker 1: as you know how it is when you're a mentor. Yeah,

566
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,560
Speaker 1: I'm with your child a lot, but now I have

567
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,720
Speaker 1: to speak to you and his father a lot, right,

568
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 1: And then I started telling there.

569
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,320
Speaker 2: Were a lot of families that you were like damn

570
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,879
Speaker 2: like because I mean, I trust me devout. When we

571
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,159
Speaker 2: had that mentorship program in Brooklyn, Devo will come home

572
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,600
Speaker 2: and lose sleep so many nights, just like thinking about

573
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,680
Speaker 2: a kid and like what's the circumstance is, and like, man,

574
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:02,080
Speaker 2: how am I going to help him get out of this?

575
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,560
Speaker 2: Or you know, it's late at night. I got Jackson

576
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:06,679
Speaker 2: in the car. Jackson's like three years old. You got

577
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,280
Speaker 2: to go to school, but we bringing home kids because

578
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,920
Speaker 2: they mother got a night shift job and she can't.

579
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,480
Speaker 2: You know. There was just so many things, yeah, that

580
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,359
Speaker 2: we saw when it came to young men and the

581
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:21,760
Speaker 2: relationship between their mom or lack thereof, and also boys

582
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,120
Speaker 2: being forced into having to grow up too fast. I'll

583
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:27,399
Speaker 2: never forget the story of the young man who I

584
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,080
Speaker 2: think his mom was a nurse and he was at

585
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,880
Speaker 2: the facility with his sister.

586
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:36,680
Speaker 1: I don't want to say his name because people know him.

587
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,160
Speaker 1: I don't want to say his names. I'm so proud

588
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,359
Speaker 1: of because he end up going to school, but his

589
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,760
Speaker 1: mom was a nurse. And this is why I had

590
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:47,680
Speaker 1: to learn how to temper myself because I was big

591
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:49,520
Speaker 1: disciplinarian football god.

592
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:50,840
Speaker 2: And you feel like you had to be in the

593
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,040
Speaker 2: absence of so many of their dads, their moms wanted that.

594
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, seventy five percent of the children that I mentored,

595
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,359
Speaker 1: men and women, seventy five percent of them were from

596
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:01,320
Speaker 1: single parent homes. And part of the reason why Prototype

597
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:03,639
Speaker 1: was such a big place for that is because they

598
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,000
Speaker 1: knew that they could get positive mail mentorship.

599
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:07,840
Speaker 3: And it wasn't just me. It was me and my

600
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 3: brother Brian, my boy Dolo, it was Camral, it was

601
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 3: Rick Like.

602
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,879
Speaker 1: It was a group of us who were all super

603
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,399
Speaker 1: intelligent but caring men who also had children, so people

604
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,720
Speaker 1: could see that we were nurturers.

605
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:22,200
Speaker 3: At the same time.

606
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:26,200
Speaker 1: But I also had a responsibility because at this time

607
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 1: I was dealing with different levels of Brooklyn. So I

608
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:35,080
Speaker 1: had Flatbush Bedstar Knarci right, and there were some gang

609
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,560
Speaker 1: issues in there, so I had to make sure that

610
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,760
Speaker 1: there was a disciplinary aspect. So let those kids know,

611
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:45,119
Speaker 1: twelve years in business, not one incident with multiple gangs

612
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,159
Speaker 1: all coming to train at the same time, multiple teams

613
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,560
Speaker 1: who hate each other, who are on Instagram and Snapchat

614
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,920
Speaker 1: threatening each other. And there were incidents outside of the

615
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,840
Speaker 1: gym where it was value violence, not one incident in

616
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,600
Speaker 1: the gym, And I'm proud of that, but I also

617
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:01,480
Speaker 1: knew that that came.

618
00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:02,919
Speaker 3: From the discipline we instilled in them.

619
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,119
Speaker 1: Yeah, And the reason why I'm prefacing that by when

620
00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:07,880
Speaker 1: I tell the story is because this young man came

621
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,840
Speaker 1: to me and he was in high school and he

622
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:14,359
Speaker 1: was always late, and I'm just like, yo, what, like

623
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:16,560
Speaker 1: you can't get right, like you have to be here

624
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,040
Speaker 1: on time, And then when he would come on time,

625
00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:21,359
Speaker 1: he would like forget his book or something, and it

626
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,120
Speaker 1: was always something. And I was big on being detail

627
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:27,480
Speaker 1: oriented and being accountable and responsible. So when I'm screaming

628
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,320
Speaker 1: at him and everyone has to run because of him,

629
00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:30,840
Speaker 1: and it got to the point where other peoples like yo,

630
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 1: just don't come if you're going to be late, because

631
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,360
Speaker 1: we all got to run. He came every single day,

632
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:38,400
Speaker 1: even on days when he wasn't supposed to be there.

633
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:42,960
Speaker 1: Because we had six days a week training. Everyone was

634
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: responsible to come three days a week. He came all

635
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,320
Speaker 1: six days. Remember that he came all six days, right.

636
00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:51,360
Speaker 1: So now I'll get to a point where I sit

637
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:53,120
Speaker 1: down with him and I'm like, you know, you promise

638
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,200
Speaker 1: me you got to be here on time.

639
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:55,040
Speaker 3: Da da da da da.

640
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,520
Speaker 1: He says yes. The next week he comes late twice.

641
00:28:57,680 --> 00:28:59,840
Speaker 1: I screaming him, I cursing him like a coach does.

642
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:03,280
Speaker 1: Get out blah blah blah blah blah. And he doesn't argue.

643
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:03,920
Speaker 3: He just leaves.

644
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 1: But then he comes back the next day and I'm like, yo,

645
00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:09,760
Speaker 1: I told you not to come back. You can't get

646
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:11,920
Speaker 1: here on tom. I said, what's the problem. He said,

647
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,840
Speaker 1: to be honest, cool saval. When I get out of school,

648
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,880
Speaker 1: I have to go get my man. This is even

649
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:24,080
Speaker 1: like thinking about it. It's like he's in high school.

650
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,640
Speaker 1: He had to get his eight year old sister, who

651
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:30,440
Speaker 1: went to school at Marine Park. They only had one

652
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,840
Speaker 1: swipe on their bus pass to get home. He would

653
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:38,840
Speaker 1: run from his school in East New York to Marine

654
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:42,840
Speaker 1: Park and him and his sister would run to the gym.

655
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:47,200
Speaker 1: I said, this whole time, your sister's here. Where's your sister?

656
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:49,600
Speaker 2: First of all, that's wild running from East New York

657
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 2: to Marie Wild.

658
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,560
Speaker 1: He used to run down flat lands, run down flat lands,

659
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:55,800
Speaker 1: get to Ralph Avenue, get to.

660
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:01,200
Speaker 3: Run back to pack Plex, right because it was right okay,

661
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:02,959
Speaker 3: And that's why he was always late. I said, why

662
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:04,320
Speaker 3: didn't you tell me? He was like, you said, you

663
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:05,360
Speaker 3: don't take no excuses.

664
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,160
Speaker 2: And I'm like, brother, that's an extenuating so.

665
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,360
Speaker 3: That's not even an excuse, that's your reality.

666
00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:11,840
Speaker 1: Right.

667
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,880
Speaker 3: So then he gets there, I said, where's your sister? Right?

668
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:16,600
Speaker 2: Bring?

669
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:19,080
Speaker 1: I said, why didn't you tell me your sister was here?

670
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: He said, you told me we couldn't bring any young

671
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:25,160
Speaker 1: ladies with us. I said, yeah, no girlfriends. I didn't

672
00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:28,080
Speaker 1: want anyone bringing up girl. You know what I'm saying,

673
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 1: right right, So then he brings his sister. I see

674
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:32,920
Speaker 1: the young girl and I'm like, you used to room

675
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,360
Speaker 1: for Marine Bark here and she was just like yeah,

676
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,440
Speaker 1: but it wasn't bad, you know. He you know, sometimes

677
00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:39,160
Speaker 1: we just try not to get hit by cars and stuff.

678
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:42,000
Speaker 1: But I'm like, oh my gosh, bro Like, I felt

679
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 1: so bad. You know what I'm saying. Here's where it

680
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:49,880
Speaker 1: tripped me out. Though he would get in trouble for

681
00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,240
Speaker 1: staying late if he did get there on time. I

682
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 1: told him had to be out of the building by

683
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,600
Speaker 1: eight o'clock because my biggest issue is if it gets

684
00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 1: dark and you're traveling now late and you know something happened,

685
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:03,200
Speaker 1: it would be eight thirty nine o'clock. He's still in there,

686
00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:05,680
Speaker 1: and I'm screaming at him, right, I said, why did

687
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:07,680
Speaker 1: you stay late if you knew you had your sister here?

688
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,120
Speaker 1: We have no electricity in the house. The only way

689
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,280
Speaker 1: I can charge my phone and she can finish her

690
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,719
Speaker 1: homework is if we stayed here and we use the electricity.

691
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:21,800
Speaker 3: Bruh, Can I tell you man? I felt so But

692
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 3: here's the crazy part.

693
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:29,200
Speaker 1: I met his mom, the hardest working, like sweet, most

694
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:32,520
Speaker 1: nicest person, And the reason why he was the way

695
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:36,440
Speaker 1: he was, especially with his sister and nouses, was because

696
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:37,080
Speaker 1: of who is.

697
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,720
Speaker 2: My mom was because he could have easily been a

698
00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:41,880
Speaker 2: little shit and he could have came in with a

699
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:42,760
Speaker 2: bad attitude.

700
00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:44,520
Speaker 3: I had a bunch of little shit. I know with

701
00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:47,360
Speaker 3: single moms. I had a bunch of little shits with

702
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:48,320
Speaker 3: both their parents.

703
00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:48,680
Speaker 2: Right.

704
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:52,800
Speaker 1: And this kid, when I tell you, he graduated, got

705
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 1: a scholarship, went to school, got his degree.

706
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:55,600
Speaker 3: He's now working.

707
00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,160
Speaker 1: When I tell you, every time he hits me up

708
00:31:58,160 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: on Instagram, was like, yog's d I se you do

709
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:02,400
Speaker 1: your thing. No, I'm like, no, I see you doing

710
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:06,880
Speaker 1: your thing. And now guess what his sister does. But

711
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:15,560
Speaker 1: she runs, runs track, and she's in school. Now she's

712
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,640
Speaker 1: gonna graduate from school. She got a degree. And then

713
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,760
Speaker 1: the best part about it is, no, she didn't get

714
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,320
Speaker 1: a track scholarship to go to like USC and no,

715
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 1: but she got her degree paid for and she's running track.

716
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:27,520
Speaker 3: And they're just good kids.

717
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 1: And the product of the product of a good and

718
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:34,120
Speaker 1: the best she can probably and yeah, yeah, And I

719
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:36,560
Speaker 1: asked her, you know what happened to their dad? And

720
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,680
Speaker 1: her dad passed away. Their dad passed away, so they

721
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:41,840
Speaker 1: seemed like they were just a really, really good family.

722
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:44,280
Speaker 1: And the dad passed away and she was required to

723
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:45,920
Speaker 1: just take care of everything, and she was doing the

724
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,680
Speaker 1: best that she could. She had just got her nursing degree,

725
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:51,720
Speaker 1: so she was picking up a bunch of hours for everything.

726
00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:55,920
Speaker 1: But they lived right there in Bayview Projects, and I

727
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,280
Speaker 1: was just like, like for me, it was just like

728
00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:02,720
Speaker 1: like it was eye opening about how important it is

729
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:04,760
Speaker 1: to have for a young man to have their mom

730
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 1: because I seen when her mom, when their mom came,

731
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:10,600
Speaker 1: because I called her, I said, hey, I'm gonna keep

732
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:13,160
Speaker 1: your kids with me. I'm not going to let them

733
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:16,760
Speaker 1: walk or get to the bus or whoever. Not Bathe

734
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:20,920
Speaker 1: you Brookline, what's the other? I don't know, Okay, Brooklyn

735
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:23,920
Speaker 1: because Brookline they would take the B eighty two straight home.

736
00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:25,840
Speaker 1: Said I'm not gonna take them till she came. And

737
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,600
Speaker 1: the first thing she did when she came and she

738
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:32,000
Speaker 1: saw her kids was hug her kids. And she's like

739
00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:33,840
Speaker 1: Coach de Vala, I thought something was wrong. I thought

740
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:35,640
Speaker 1: they did something trouble. But it was the fact that

741
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 1: she came in and she hugged them. Most moms when

742
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 1: I called them and said there was an issue, the

743
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 1: first and the kid and they swinging and cussing, and

744
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:45,320
Speaker 1: you know what I had to do and why the

745
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:46,200
Speaker 1: coach got to call me.

746
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:47,320
Speaker 3: But she didn't come in and do that.

747
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:50,560
Speaker 1: She came in and hugged her kids first, like when

748
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,240
Speaker 1: I said, hugged them, crush their face, you okay, kissed

749
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:55,600
Speaker 1: them on the forehead and I was like like wow,

750
00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:59,080
Speaker 1: like like this is I didn't receive that type when

751
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:03,120
Speaker 1: when they called my mom for school, it was hell.

752
00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:05,280
Speaker 2: Because the valley did his homework that he was supposed

753
00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:05,440
Speaker 2: to do.

754
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:08,520
Speaker 1: My mom was not coming in there with no, no,

755
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:10,080
Speaker 1: my son, no. My mother used to come in there

756
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:11,080
Speaker 1: and look me right in my face.

757
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:13,759
Speaker 2: But one thing she was was consistent because if you

758
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:15,600
Speaker 2: call and you had an issue with the teacher, then

759
00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:16,520
Speaker 2: she came in with.

760
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 1: Guns blaaring too. You cannot play, said, my mother's a

761
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,760
Speaker 1: thug with the Lucky Bucks. You can play with Karen

762
00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 1: ellis you. I called my mom because they kicked me

763
00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:28,600
Speaker 1: out of class because me and the teacher.

764
00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:30,359
Speaker 3: Ms Rosen, she's a Jewish lady.

765
00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:33,160
Speaker 1: It was during Black History Months and we were still

766
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,879
Speaker 1: doing an Frank in the Holocaust, and I asked a question.

767
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 1: I'm thirteen years old. I said, I have a question,

768
00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:41,640
Speaker 1: why are we still doing ann Frank during Black History Month?

769
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 3: And she started screaming, how dare you? How dare you?

770
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,160
Speaker 1: The Holocaust was the biggest atrocity that ever happened in

771
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:49,960
Speaker 1: man Conn And I said, well, I beg the different

772
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:51,560
Speaker 1: slavery was pretty bad.

773
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:54,080
Speaker 3: As well, and she kicked me out of class. So

774
00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:57,319
Speaker 3: I called my mom. You know who showed up.

775
00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:03,640
Speaker 1: Always called her the same day, wait till tomorrow, left

776
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,440
Speaker 1: work and let that woman have it.

777
00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:08,560
Speaker 3: And let the whole school have it, right.

778
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:10,799
Speaker 1: And that's why I say, like, when I talk about

779
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:12,759
Speaker 1: I have mommy issues, it's not because I had a

780
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:15,640
Speaker 1: bad mom. It was like my mom was a disciplinarian, right.

781
00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:19,400
Speaker 1: The lack of affection I got from my mom rears

782
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:21,600
Speaker 1: his head with you sometime because all I want to do.

783
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:24,319
Speaker 2: To me and how I've been affected by it, All

784
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:25,880
Speaker 2: I want to do is to go to bad way.

785
00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:28,359
Speaker 2: But it's just like we realize where those deficits were

786
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,160
Speaker 2: and how the compensation now falls on me, and if

787
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:33,440
Speaker 2: I fall short of that too, then it becomes a

788
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:34,239
Speaker 2: reminder of your mom.

789
00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:37,600
Speaker 3: Yes, which it's not healthy either. I just want to

790
00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:40,279
Speaker 3: hug you. I just want you to hug me, hug me.

791
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:43,200
Speaker 1: I love to make out and every time it doesn't

792
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:45,399
Speaker 1: always have to go to sex, but I just want

793
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,600
Speaker 1: my wife. I want to like last night you probably

794
00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:51,160
Speaker 1: felt me on you the whole time you woke up

795
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: this morning. I'm just rubbing on your booty and you

796
00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:55,920
Speaker 1: just like look up at me, and I'm just rubbing

797
00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:57,200
Speaker 1: on your booty and I'm half sleep.

798
00:35:57,600 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 3: But I just that feeling of being nurtured.

799
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:01,960
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying That I felt like I

800
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:05,680
Speaker 1: missed out on my childhood reared its head and feeling

801
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:08,040
Speaker 1: like I wasn't appreciated and sometimes.

802
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:09,640
Speaker 3: That I was only here just to do work.

803
00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:13,120
Speaker 1: Made me feel a way like I got defensive and

804
00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:16,040
Speaker 1: growing up an adult, when I used to hear women

805
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,839
Speaker 1: speak about the stuff they required from men, I used

806
00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:21,440
Speaker 1: to automatically get defensive and being like, y'all require all

807
00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:23,359
Speaker 1: of this, but I don't hear nobody saying what you're

808
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:25,960
Speaker 1: gonna do for me as a man, because I watched

809
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:29,840
Speaker 1: my mom also, like my mom was not super affectionate

810
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,360
Speaker 1: to my pops. And knowing what I know now, the

811
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:35,680
Speaker 1: way they grew up, my parents are very conservative, so

812
00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:39,000
Speaker 1: they don't they I never saw them like canoodle or

813
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:41,680
Speaker 1: do anything. And when my father did try, my mom

814
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,600
Speaker 1: was like Troy Troy, but she's like the kids were

815
00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:45,800
Speaker 1: they You know what I'm saying, but that affected me

816
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,839
Speaker 1: because I'm like, like, you don't mind when my dad

817
00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:51,040
Speaker 1: is giving you gifts, you don't mind when he's taking

818
00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:52,920
Speaker 1: you places, But when he tries to be affection you

819
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:55,320
Speaker 1: have a problem with that. That always stuck with me

820
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:59,200
Speaker 1: and gave me issues, you know, like you and I

821
00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:00,800
Speaker 1: all the time when I'm just like yo, So I

822
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:02,680
Speaker 1: can't argue today, I can't. Are you gonna tell me

823
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:04,399
Speaker 1: no and tell me to stop in front of the kids.

824
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:05,440
Speaker 3: No, I'm not doing that.

825
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,239
Speaker 2: No, at this point, we don't.

826
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, these kids are going to see their mother love

827
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:11,839
Speaker 1: they dad, and people see they dad love on their mom,

828
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:14,600
Speaker 1: because they need to understand that this also happens in

829
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:18,520
Speaker 1: a relationship, right, A relationship isn't this transactional thing where

830
00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:20,480
Speaker 1: it's like I buy you gifts and you make me

831
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:23,840
Speaker 1: food and you fold my laundry and I take you on.

832
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:27,640
Speaker 2: Trips Norge at least? Yeah, And I want the boys

833
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:29,400
Speaker 2: to know that, no, for sure, because it's definitely like

834
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:31,759
Speaker 2: a radical love situation that we have going on here

835
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:34,880
Speaker 2: and the boy's exposure to that. You know, we had

836
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:37,719
Speaker 2: gotten some backlash in the past about you being too

837
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:39,800
Speaker 2: touchy feely or the boys being as both of that.

838
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:43,960
Speaker 2: But then that's also people's their own their own issues

839
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:46,560
Speaker 2: and their own perceptions that in their own perspectives that

840
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,600
Speaker 2: they're putting on the situation. It's not over sexualizing it.

841
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:51,520
Speaker 2: It's just showing the love and care and then doing

842
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:53,480
Speaker 2: it within the context where we show our boys and

843
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:56,120
Speaker 2: we tell our boys that this is within a marriage,

844
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:58,960
Speaker 2: which is a essential relationship that both people are in

845
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:02,520
Speaker 2: agreement with this happen. So that's how everything is coded,

846
00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:05,800
Speaker 2: particularly with us and the boys. One thing I have

847
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:10,000
Speaker 2: to also thank your mom for is you not wanting

848
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:16,080
Speaker 2: to wash a dish or doing the laundry because you

849
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:18,480
Speaker 2: literally Devl had to do it like since he was nine.

850
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:21,040
Speaker 2: So when it came to being adult, Devel was just like,

851
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:23,720
Speaker 2: I'm not going to do it. I rather hire someone

852
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:26,399
Speaker 2: to do He's like, you don't have to do it all, Okay,

853
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:28,400
Speaker 2: I'm not expecting you to wash every dish and wash

854
00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:30,719
Speaker 2: every draw, but what you what I'm going to do

855
00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:34,000
Speaker 2: is hire someone to do it. I said to your

856
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:35,680
Speaker 2: mom when she was here one day. I was just like,

857
00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:39,439
Speaker 2: you realize that, like your son was traumatized with keeping

858
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,239
Speaker 2: a clean house. And the funny thing is you do

859
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,040
Speaker 2: when we keep a clean house the most part. I mean,

860
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,760
Speaker 2: then again, this is not our house, trashed it anyway,

861
00:38:46,239 --> 00:38:48,040
Speaker 2: but we try our best to keep a clean house.

862
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:50,359
Speaker 2: And then like Devell won't do certain things because he's

863
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:51,960
Speaker 2: had to do it as a child and it was

864
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,400
Speaker 2: trauma and he just is like, I'm not doing certain

865
00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:55,399
Speaker 2: things at all.

866
00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:58,120
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Like I.

867
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:03,000
Speaker 1: Even four nine because my grandmother she had white carpet

868
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:07,040
Speaker 1: we talked about in her kitchen into her den and

869
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:09,600
Speaker 1: that was the space where most people came. And if

870
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:12,520
Speaker 1: that carpet was dirty, she was handing out lashes with

871
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:15,719
Speaker 1: the fly swatter belt or the slipper. My grandmother didn't

872
00:39:15,760 --> 00:39:18,360
Speaker 1: play so and she also told us y'all gonna be

873
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,240
Speaker 1: here for eight weeks in the summertime. I'm not getting

874
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:22,719
Speaker 1: up every morning and making y'all breakfast. So from as

875
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:27,560
Speaker 1: early as seven, I remember making my own pancakes, waffles, eggs,

876
00:39:27,719 --> 00:39:29,759
Speaker 1: French toast because I remember that she taught us how

877
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:31,760
Speaker 1: to do it. And it was me, my cousin Devonn

878
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:34,439
Speaker 1: and my cousin and my brother Brian, and we were

879
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,880
Speaker 1: at first it was the three of us. Then my

880
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:39,239
Speaker 1: sister Tory was born nine years later, so we were

881
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:43,400
Speaker 1: responsible to take care of her. So every summer we

882
00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:45,239
Speaker 1: had to wake up first thing in the morning. We

883
00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:47,799
Speaker 1: had to cut the grass twice a week. We had

884
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:49,719
Speaker 1: to clean out the gutters. We had to do all

885
00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:52,560
Speaker 1: the things that men were supposed to do. While my

886
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,000
Speaker 1: grandfather was at work, Nana was like.

887
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:57,640
Speaker 2: Yow doing it all these boys.

888
00:39:57,719 --> 00:39:59,879
Speaker 1: You see that lawn out there, an acre of land,

889
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,480
Speaker 1: would all get clean every leaf out of that lawn.

890
00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:04,880
Speaker 1: And then it was like, y'all hungry, make your own food.

891
00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:06,960
Speaker 1: If y'all want to go to the boys and girls club,

892
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,479
Speaker 1: I'll take y'all there. But then once we started driving,

893
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:12,080
Speaker 1: she was like, take y'allself there. So for me it

894
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:13,920
Speaker 1: was just like man independence.

895
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:16,719
Speaker 2: Really it was ultimately from early which is a true

896
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:19,560
Speaker 2: testament to who you are specifically to this day. Absolutely,

897
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:23,439
Speaker 2: like that's literally like a correlation between you being raised

898
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:25,000
Speaker 2: the way you were raised, who you are as an

899
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:28,480
Speaker 2: adult male. Absolutely, I think a lot of your success

900
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,480
Speaker 2: is attributed to that some things.

901
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:33,600
Speaker 1: Of course, your ear say, ninety percent of my success

902
00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:36,840
Speaker 1: was attributed to my mom and the way she, you know,

903
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:41,640
Speaker 1: she did things. My father's presence was more, you know,

904
00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:43,920
Speaker 1: once you told it your mother, my mother's five two.

905
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:48,560
Speaker 1: You're not really afraid, Like my mother couldn't scare me. Now,

906
00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:51,080
Speaker 1: I was afraid that in my sleep she might cut me,

907
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:54,160
Speaker 1: because my mother is really a thug, and she never was.

908
00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:59,200
Speaker 1: She never showed any intimidation by me and my brother,

909
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:00,680
Speaker 1: like a week toiller than her.

910
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,000
Speaker 3: She was like, don't look down on me, and she

911
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:03,719
Speaker 3: was staying.

912
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:06,120
Speaker 1: At them bottom two steps, and she would say, come here,

913
00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:08,960
Speaker 1: come here, come here, and then we would have to

914
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,080
Speaker 1: walk to the bottom two stairs and she would be

915
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:12,879
Speaker 1: tiller than us, and then.

916
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:15,520
Speaker 2: She'd be I want to use that one ma these boys,

917
00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:17,840
Speaker 2: and she will be.

918
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:20,719
Speaker 3: Reading us the Riot Act, and if we look away,

919
00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:21,759
Speaker 3: she grabbing our face.

920
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:25,040
Speaker 1: And she was demanding respect, which I understand in the

921
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:28,279
Speaker 1: house where you got two huge boys who lift way

922
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:31,920
Speaker 1: to play football, who fought competitively in martial arts around

923
00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:32,400
Speaker 1: the country.

924
00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:34,680
Speaker 3: Like she like, y'all not gonna think y'all can beat me.

925
00:41:35,239 --> 00:41:35,839
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.

926
00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:38,640
Speaker 1: But sometimes I feel like her feeling she had to

927
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:41,080
Speaker 1: do that, she didn't really show us any love.

928
00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:44,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, and the nurturing, Yeah, it's about you feel like

929
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:46,800
Speaker 2: the balance, yeah, or if that's the takeaway as we

930
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:50,799
Speaker 2: raise boys and listeners listening and say finding that balance. Yeah,

931
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,000
Speaker 2: you know, it's very important. All right, Let's jump into

932
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:55,200
Speaker 2: some facts and stats real quick before we take this break,

933
00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:57,080
Speaker 2: most of which I think we kind of touched on

934
00:41:57,120 --> 00:42:01,120
Speaker 2: a little bit during conversation. Here was heavily. I guess

935
00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:02,680
Speaker 2: you telling your story because I don't know what it's

936
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:07,560
Speaker 2: like to have mommy is she's as a boy, but well, yeah,

937
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:09,239
Speaker 2: that could be a whole another episode in the South too.

938
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:13,240
Speaker 2: Mommy issues refers to the psychological effects of a child's

939
00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:16,960
Speaker 2: early relationship with their mother, which can continue into adulthood,

940
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:20,200
Speaker 2: and some signs of this mommyhood and men include entitlement.

941
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:23,040
Speaker 2: They may feel entitled if their mother was over indulgent

942
00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:26,440
Speaker 2: or controlling. In fidelity, they may cheat on their partners

943
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,080
Speaker 2: to fill an emotional void that may have been left

944
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:32,880
Speaker 2: by their mother. Low self esteem. They may have negative

945
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:35,680
Speaker 2: self talk and feel paralyzed by fear or rejection. This

946
00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:40,440
Speaker 2: is something that we've seen in a couple kids recently. Cleanliness.

947
00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:43,040
Speaker 2: They may have a tendency to cling to others, intimacy,

948
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:44,560
Speaker 2: struggles within intimacy.

949
00:42:44,719 --> 00:42:47,560
Speaker 1: I have prototype kids that I can name. All of

950
00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:51,000
Speaker 1: these all of these, I have family member family members.

951
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,200
Speaker 1: I could name the different one for all of these.

952
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:57,480
Speaker 2: YEP, difficulty anxiety is one that I skipped. Anxiety. They

953
00:42:57,560 --> 00:43:00,960
Speaker 2: may feel anxious when they get close to people, difficulty

954
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:04,160
Speaker 2: getting to know others. They may have difficulty letting others

955
00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:08,000
Speaker 2: know themselves or I guess letting them in. Always needing

956
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:11,000
Speaker 2: to stay in contact with their mother, never wanting anything

957
00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:12,960
Speaker 2: to do with their mother, which is the reverse of

958
00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:17,960
Speaker 2: that being disrespectful towards women, feeling insecure or often suspicious.

959
00:43:18,239 --> 00:43:21,160
Speaker 3: I want to jump in on that being disrespectful towards women.

960
00:43:21,239 --> 00:43:23,600
Speaker 1: A lot of the young men who I saw whose

961
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 1: moms tried to lead with a masculine energy as they

962
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:32,279
Speaker 1: were going through adolescents because they felt like, I have

963
00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:34,879
Speaker 1: to show him I'm the dominant one in the house. Yeah,

964
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:39,080
Speaker 1: percent of those young men grew up to be disrespectful

965
00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:42,160
Speaker 1: to women because they felt like their moms. The way

966
00:43:42,239 --> 00:43:43,279
Speaker 1: their mom talked to them.

967
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:46,080
Speaker 3: Was the norm, so they spoke to everybody that way.

968
00:43:46,239 --> 00:43:50,840
Speaker 1: They didn't just disrespect women, they disrespected everyone, but it

969
00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:54,279
Speaker 1: was more prevalent with women because you're a man, you know,

970
00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:57,839
Speaker 1: you talk to a man disrespectful it's fisticuff. Something's going

971
00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:59,640
Speaker 1: to happen, you know what I'm saying. But when you

972
00:43:59,719 --> 00:44:01,920
Speaker 1: talk to a woman like that, or your woman like that,

973
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:04,200
Speaker 1: she's smaller than you, she might kind of cower a

974
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,040
Speaker 1: little bit more. You find a woman that's like your

975
00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:10,720
Speaker 1: mom and you so disrespectful, So now she being disrespectful

976
00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:14,680
Speaker 1: to sir, This toxic relationship that you think is normal

977
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:18,319
Speaker 1: because your mom, let you believe that being disrespectful was.

978
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:22,360
Speaker 2: A sign of love, right, Think about another toxic relationship

979
00:44:22,440 --> 00:44:25,160
Speaker 2: between mother and son. Can be the mother acting like

980
00:44:25,239 --> 00:44:27,239
Speaker 2: this is her man. Yes, how many times have we

981
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:27,560
Speaker 2: see that?

982
00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:29,399
Speaker 1: Well?

983
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:33,440
Speaker 2: Yes, exactly, exactly, Like it's a perfect example. Absolutely, it's

984
00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:35,920
Speaker 2: just like, yo, this is not your man, this is

985
00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 2: your son that you're raising. You know that it has

986
00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:42,120
Speaker 2: to be a stark difference, you know, I know, I know.

987
00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:46,200
Speaker 2: Always doubting others' loves and that could be probably because

988
00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:48,520
Speaker 2: you feel like Mom's love is stronger or you know,

989
00:44:48,719 --> 00:44:52,239
Speaker 2: or not just doubting in general, expecting a partner to

990
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:57,680
Speaker 2: pamper them, constantly taking care of them, being the responsibility

991
00:44:57,800 --> 00:45:03,640
Speaker 2: of their partner, being towards women, being misogynistic towards women,

992
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:07,919
Speaker 2: controlling women and demanding constant attention and loyalty from women.

993
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:10,959
Speaker 2: So a huge trickle down said, these are.

994
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:16,320
Speaker 3: All issues that come from mommy issues. And to be honest,

995
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:19,759
Speaker 3: I'm not speaking just to young men.

996
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:23,160
Speaker 1: I'm also speaking to young women because if you aspire

997
00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:26,360
Speaker 1: to be a mom, you have just as much responsibility

998
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:29,480
Speaker 1: to create good, sustainable human beings as these human beings.

999
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:31,920
Speaker 1: These young men have a responsibility to be better people,

1000
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:33,879
Speaker 1: for sure. So it works hand in hand. We as

1001
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:36,719
Speaker 1: a community of people all have to work harder to

1002
00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:40,720
Speaker 1: be better so that we can just introduce new ways

1003
00:45:40,760 --> 00:45:44,000
Speaker 1: of communicating and new ways of existing on the planet

1004
00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:47,560
Speaker 1: without being so So I hate to say the word

1005
00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:52,800
Speaker 1: toxic because it's but that is the truth is. Like

1006
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:55,920
Speaker 1: I had a mom tell a son, tell me she's

1007
00:45:55,920 --> 00:45:58,200
Speaker 1: screaming curse at her son all the time, and I said,

1008
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:02,200
Speaker 1: why do you feel you how to speak to him

1009
00:46:02,320 --> 00:46:04,360
Speaker 1: like that in order for him to get it across,

1010
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:06,880
Speaker 1: And she was like, I love him. If I just

1011
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:08,320
Speaker 1: let him go out in the world and think the

1012
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:10,640
Speaker 1: world is this and this and that, then I'm not

1013
00:46:10,719 --> 00:46:12,880
Speaker 1: showing him no love. It's because I'm hard on him,

1014
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:14,440
Speaker 1: and because I do this, I'm showing him that I

1015
00:46:14,520 --> 00:46:17,200
Speaker 1: love him, And I said, I understand in her mind

1016
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:19,800
Speaker 1: how how she views that, but she doesn't realize the

1017
00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:22,640
Speaker 1: residue of all of that, how it leaves.

1018
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:24,400
Speaker 2: Him, or the lack of balance, Like you can be

1019
00:46:24,520 --> 00:46:28,239
Speaker 2: that sometimes but then in other times, like you gotta

1020
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:30,880
Speaker 2: know how to like not tip the skill either way

1021
00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:34,640
Speaker 2: too much. Do you think that or why do you

1022
00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:37,040
Speaker 2: think this is a good one? Why do you think

1023
00:46:37,719 --> 00:46:40,160
Speaker 2: that people talk more about women having daddy issues than

1024
00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:43,399
Speaker 2: we talk about men having mommy issues. I'm thinking I'm

1025
00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:45,640
Speaker 2: going to ask her this, but my idea is that

1026
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:49,160
Speaker 2: women are always labeled the more emotional ones, so we

1027
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:53,279
Speaker 2: are more apt to, if anything, speak about or be

1028
00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:56,719
Speaker 2: more vocal about how the daddy issues may have affected us.

1029
00:46:56,920 --> 00:46:59,239
Speaker 2: Or also too, when you look at women and you

1030
00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:01,880
Speaker 2: see a girl who you know, maybe conducting herself in

1031
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:03,880
Speaker 2: a certain way, you say, oh, the father wasn't in

1032
00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:07,440
Speaker 2: the house, because that's something people see, whereas men are

1033
00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:10,480
Speaker 2: not always encouraged to or historically haven't been encouraged to

1034
00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:13,920
Speaker 2: speak about their emotions and how they feel and mental

1035
00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:16,359
Speaker 2: health and things like that. So I'm wondering if that's

1036
00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:18,440
Speaker 2: one of the reasons why you know, we don't hear

1037
00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:22,800
Speaker 2: as much about daddy or women men having mommy issues.

1038
00:47:22,920 --> 00:47:25,120
Speaker 3: I think it's twofold. I think number one, we're super

1039
00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:26,640
Speaker 3: hyper critical of women.

1040
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:29,600
Speaker 1: Right, We're always been hypercritical of women, their parents, how

1041
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:30,720
Speaker 1: they act, and being emotional.

1042
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:31,399
Speaker 3: That's number one.

1043
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:34,160
Speaker 1: Since we're hypercritical of women, we spend more of our

1044
00:47:34,239 --> 00:47:36,480
Speaker 1: time as a community of people, but or we did

1045
00:47:36,560 --> 00:47:39,359
Speaker 1: in the past. It's definitely changing now because you through

1046
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:43,240
Speaker 1: social media, but you always hear like she hears the problem,

1047
00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 1: she has the problem. I also think conversely, which is

1048
00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:50,400
Speaker 1: not healthy at all, Men weren't allowed to express feelings

1049
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:53,200
Speaker 1: because if you expressed your feelings, you were considered soft

1050
00:47:53,400 --> 00:47:56,680
Speaker 1: or less manly. So since we were taught from young

1051
00:47:57,000 --> 00:48:00,239
Speaker 1: to just not express our feelings and be cold when

1052
00:48:00,280 --> 00:48:01,719
Speaker 1: you grow up and it's like, what's your problem, I

1053
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:04,600
Speaker 1: have no problem. You know, being stoic and being even

1054
00:48:04,719 --> 00:48:07,120
Speaker 1: is the manly thing. So since you're not allowed to

1055
00:48:07,239 --> 00:48:10,360
Speaker 1: express those emotional issues, it was almost as if they

1056
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:13,680
Speaker 1: didn't exist, when all they did was exist internally, and

1057
00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:17,160
Speaker 1: they festered until that man lashed out, and then when

1058
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:19,320
Speaker 1: that man lashed out, they treated it as if it

1059
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:23,759
Speaker 1: was an anomaly. When realistically, this isn't an anomaly. A

1060
00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:27,480
Speaker 1: lot of these men have these issues coming from their moms,

1061
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:29,839
Speaker 1: and we're just not allowed to talk about it, which

1062
00:48:29,880 --> 00:48:31,680
Speaker 1: is why I want to talk about it, right.

1063
00:48:31,800 --> 00:48:33,880
Speaker 2: And this which made perfect sense today. And I'm even thinking, like,

1064
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:35,719
Speaker 2: you know, sometimes we have our all girls are all

1065
00:48:35,760 --> 00:48:38,239
Speaker 2: guys episode. It would be interesting because I would want

1066
00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:40,120
Speaker 2: to know if you have, like any other young men

1067
00:48:40,200 --> 00:48:43,680
Speaker 2: or men around you that would be open to speaking

1068
00:48:43,719 --> 00:48:47,000
Speaker 2: about like how their mom has affected them, you know,

1069
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:48,600
Speaker 2: you know, whether it's good or bad. That would be

1070
00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:50,120
Speaker 2: an interesting conversation amongst men.

1071
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:53,239
Speaker 1: When we did the Dad Gang events, I think it

1072
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:56,080
Speaker 1: was two years ago, there was a point where all

1073
00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:58,120
Speaker 1: of the guys got together and talked about how our

1074
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 1: moms affected who we were as parents, who we were

1075
00:49:02,360 --> 00:49:07,920
Speaker 1: as spouses, you know, and shout space, shout to my

1076
00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:10,560
Speaker 1: boy Sean, he why she does Josh's boy Sean. They

1077
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:17,239
Speaker 1: capished together. But it was funny how the conversation navigated

1078
00:49:17,320 --> 00:49:20,200
Speaker 1: to that without us even trying, like we were sitting

1079
00:49:20,239 --> 00:49:23,160
Speaker 1: there talking just like because what happened was there was

1080
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:25,720
Speaker 1: an announcement of one of the dads I can't remember

1081
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:29,080
Speaker 1: who was having a daughter and we were talking about

1082
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:33,359
Speaker 1: our role as fathers raising daughters. And at the time,

1083
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:36,600
Speaker 1: I only had I had three sons at the time,

1084
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:39,000
Speaker 1: and you were pregnant, and they were talking.

1085
00:49:38,800 --> 00:49:40,480
Speaker 3: About Devala, if you have a girl, what would you

1086
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:42,000
Speaker 3: how would you raise them?

1087
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:44,560
Speaker 1: And we started talking about how we would raise our

1088
00:49:44,719 --> 00:49:48,160
Speaker 1: daughters in a way that they would be able to

1089
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:52,160
Speaker 1: raise us the way we wanted to be raised, so

1090
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:54,439
Speaker 1: we could be better people, you know what I'm saying.

1091
00:49:54,920 --> 00:49:56,520
Speaker 1: So it was just like, you know, I'm raising my

1092
00:49:56,719 --> 00:49:59,919
Speaker 1: daughter with intention that if she chooses that she wants

1093
00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:02,680
Speaker 1: to to be a wife and a mom, she understands

1094
00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:05,840
Speaker 1: that you have a respond because you're going to be

1095
00:50:05,960 --> 00:50:09,000
Speaker 1: raising a generation of a man or a young woman

1096
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:11,120
Speaker 1: that you're responsible for.

1097
00:50:11,320 --> 00:50:13,680
Speaker 3: And everything that I'm doing to you now is going

1098
00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:15,280
Speaker 3: to affect that young person.

1099
00:50:15,440 --> 00:50:15,960
Speaker 2: That's a fact.

1100
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:17,960
Speaker 1: And I mean we went deliberate about that, and we

1101
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:19,640
Speaker 1: were all talking about my mom this, and that's what

1102
00:50:19,719 --> 00:50:21,319
Speaker 1: made me think about it too, And I was just like, man,

1103
00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:23,360
Speaker 1: all of these young men are very deliberate. And you

1104
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,000
Speaker 1: know when I thinking about them being deliberate, you know,

1105
00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:27,880
Speaker 1: we all said our mothers were deliberate.

1106
00:50:28,719 --> 00:50:30,239
Speaker 3: Like our mothers, Like.

1107
00:50:30,320 --> 00:50:34,200
Speaker 2: One thing we will be is deliberate. Women have an

1108
00:50:34,239 --> 00:50:36,759
Speaker 2: insight and men have a foresight. The insight in those

1109
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:39,880
Speaker 2: moments as you're being raised are really what matter because

1110
00:50:40,280 --> 00:50:42,480
Speaker 2: they clearly carry you on through the rest of your

1111
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:45,279
Speaker 2: manhood and your adulthood. All right, now, it feels like

1112
00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:47,719
Speaker 2: a good time to take a little break, and then

1113
00:50:47,760 --> 00:50:59,719
Speaker 2: we'll come back with listening letters, so stick around. All right,

1114
00:50:59,800 --> 00:51:03,680
Speaker 2: we are back and we're rolling right into these listener letters.

1115
00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:06,600
Speaker 2: I guess I'll jump in and start with the first one. Hey,

1116
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:09,160
Speaker 2: Kadina de Val, It's Breede writing from Texas. What up?

1117
00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:12,000
Speaker 2: Breed from Texas. First, I would like to say I

1118
00:51:12,040 --> 00:51:14,600
Speaker 2: love your family, and I'm truly inspired and you're truly

1119
00:51:14,680 --> 00:51:17,160
Speaker 2: inspired to Oh my goodness, and I'm truly inspired to

1120
00:51:17,239 --> 00:51:19,800
Speaker 2: have one of my own one day. Okay, so boom.

1121
00:51:19,840 --> 00:51:22,120
Speaker 2: I'm twenty three years old, and recently my father has

1122
00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:25,120
Speaker 2: popped back into my life after being absent for twenty

1123
00:51:25,239 --> 00:51:28,160
Speaker 2: one of those years. Wow, so only two years with dad.

1124
00:51:28,680 --> 00:51:30,919
Speaker 2: My mom did an amazing job raising me on her own.

1125
00:51:31,080 --> 00:51:33,239
Speaker 2: I never wanted or needed for anything because of her.

1126
00:51:33,760 --> 00:51:35,919
Speaker 2: That brings me to say that over the past few months,

1127
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:39,120
Speaker 2: my father and I have commund have had communication more

1128
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:42,600
Speaker 2: than ever before, but it's still not enough for me.

1129
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:46,280
Speaker 2: He and my mother seem to be rekindling a friendship

1130
00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:49,400
Speaker 2: slash relationship quote unquote, and I'm not sure how I

1131
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:52,400
Speaker 2: feel about it, simply because they're acting oblivious to the

1132
00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:55,359
Speaker 2: years of his absence and the hurt that he has

1133
00:51:55,480 --> 00:51:58,480
Speaker 2: caused me. Imagine living twenty minutes from your father and

1134
00:51:58,560 --> 00:52:01,560
Speaker 2: seeing him and your siblings maybe once every two years.

1135
00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:04,960
Speaker 2: Mind you, my parents were high school sweethearts who had

1136
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:08,320
Speaker 2: me in college, but split shortly after my father was

1137
00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:10,600
Speaker 2: able to finish school marry a woman who was not

1138
00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:13,960
Speaker 2: fond of myself or my mother? Are you picking up

1139
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:17,120
Speaker 2: what I'm putting down? And that's what she said, and

1140
00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:21,000
Speaker 2: went on to have two of my siblings, all while

1141
00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:24,000
Speaker 2: my mother put her life on hold for me. That

1142
00:52:24,120 --> 00:52:26,320
Speaker 2: woman is my hero, and I understand that I cannot

1143
00:52:26,440 --> 00:52:29,279
Speaker 2: tell her who she can and cannot forgive. But it's

1144
00:52:29,320 --> 00:52:31,239
Speaker 2: hard when you watch your single mother pick up the

1145
00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:33,480
Speaker 2: slack to raise you because your father chose to be

1146
00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:36,960
Speaker 2: absent and let his wife dictate the relationship with his

1147
00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:42,600
Speaker 2: oldest child, a daughter at that. In my daddy issue opinion,

1148
00:52:42,880 --> 00:52:45,480
Speaker 2: he should be hauling as towards a relationship with me

1149
00:52:46,120 --> 00:52:48,799
Speaker 2: rather than fixing one with my mother. I feel as

1150
00:52:48,840 --> 00:52:51,839
Speaker 2: though the interactions that my father and I have are

1151
00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:55,320
Speaker 2: for brownie points for my mother and not genuinely for

1152
00:52:55,520 --> 00:52:59,160
Speaker 2: our relationship growth. So it's difficult, very difficult to accept.

1153
00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:03,000
Speaker 2: Maybe it's the virgo in me. My mom continues to

1154
00:53:03,120 --> 00:53:06,759
Speaker 2: call me a brat girl. Be for real, that's what

1155
00:53:06,840 --> 00:53:09,520
Speaker 2: she said too, because of how I'm acting, But she

1156
00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:12,839
Speaker 2: simply doesn't understand my point of view, which has now

1157
00:53:12,920 --> 00:53:16,520
Speaker 2: put a strain on our relationship. Damn, the feelings that

1158
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:19,200
Speaker 2: I have tucked away over the years are now resurfacing.

1159
00:53:19,480 --> 00:53:22,320
Speaker 2: I honestly don't know if it's jealousy, anger, or just

1160
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:25,480
Speaker 2: plain hurt. Should I be happy for my mother? Am

1161
00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:29,160
Speaker 2: I selfish? If I'm not? Are my feelings valid? What

1162
00:53:29,320 --> 00:53:32,000
Speaker 2: advice would you give me on handling these emotions and

1163
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:36,480
Speaker 2: unhealed trauma? Thank you guys? Wow, what a loaded situation.

1164
00:53:36,760 --> 00:53:37,960
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie this topic is.

1165
00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:43,040
Speaker 1: I'm biased because three of the closest people to me

1166
00:53:43,800 --> 00:53:46,239
Speaker 1: are dealing with baby mothers who are purposely trying to

1167
00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:49,120
Speaker 1: keep their children away from them, and have kept their

1168
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:51,560
Speaker 1: children away from them. One for over a year, one

1169
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:54,000
Speaker 1: for over three months, and one they have to go

1170
00:53:54,080 --> 00:53:56,359
Speaker 1: to court right now. And these are good men who

1171
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 1: want to be fathers, who are fighting just to be

1172
00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:01,840
Speaker 1: in their children's life, and moms are keeping them away

1173
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:05,760
Speaker 1: for leverage, for whatever reasons they have. So I'm biased

1174
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:08,080
Speaker 1: because it's hard for me to hear any story like

1175
00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:10,480
Speaker 1: this and automatically jump on the dude and be like,

1176
00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:12,080
Speaker 1: he should be doing this, he should be doing that.

1177
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:14,279
Speaker 1: I watch these men do everything to be in their

1178
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:17,160
Speaker 1: children's lives and still get fucked one by the court

1179
00:54:17,239 --> 00:54:20,400
Speaker 1: system and two by that woman who is scorn for

1180
00:54:20,520 --> 00:54:24,279
Speaker 1: whatever reason, you know. So I don't want to put

1181
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:27,959
Speaker 1: my biased opinion on what I think about this because

1182
00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:30,040
Speaker 1: I really still don't know enough context. But what I

1183
00:54:30,120 --> 00:54:36,879
Speaker 1: will say is people, especially children, feel like parents owe

1184
00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:37,480
Speaker 1: them something.

1185
00:54:38,280 --> 00:54:40,120
Speaker 3: I know I do. I feel like I didn't ask

1186
00:54:40,160 --> 00:54:40,560
Speaker 3: to come here.

1187
00:54:40,880 --> 00:54:44,719
Speaker 1: I'm here off your guilty pleasures you owe me, you

1188
00:54:44,760 --> 00:54:46,279
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So I think she's right and

1189
00:54:46,320 --> 00:54:48,239
Speaker 1: feel like you should be trying to build a relationship

1190
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:50,239
Speaker 1: with me as opposed to my mom.

1191
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:52,320
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. I just don't know what

1192
00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:55,360
Speaker 3: went on with him and the mom that he was away,

1193
00:54:56,560 --> 00:54:57,160
Speaker 3: you know, I don't know.

1194
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:00,520
Speaker 2: So my follow up questions were, what caused you and

1195
00:55:00,719 --> 00:55:02,520
Speaker 2: your mom and dad to split? And it could be

1196
00:55:02,640 --> 00:55:05,080
Speaker 2: just college school because he said the father went on

1197
00:55:05,160 --> 00:55:07,760
Speaker 2: to finish school but mom didn't. So was it just like, Okay,

1198
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:09,359
Speaker 2: we had to split because we're trying to both make

1199
00:55:09,400 --> 00:55:12,000
Speaker 2: something of ourselves and go to college and then possibly rekindle.

1200
00:55:12,239 --> 00:55:14,640
Speaker 2: But then he meets homegirl and then has two children

1201
00:55:14,719 --> 00:55:17,480
Speaker 2: with her. So maybe there was really still some love

1202
00:55:17,560 --> 00:55:22,160
Speaker 2: there between her mom and dad and the situation or

1203
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:24,880
Speaker 2: the circumstances didn't allow for them to be together. But

1204
00:55:24,960 --> 00:55:26,440
Speaker 2: I don't think that takes away from the hurt that

1205
00:55:26,520 --> 00:55:29,080
Speaker 2: she feels, you know, at this point. So if things

1206
00:55:29,120 --> 00:55:31,560
Speaker 2: are not not working out with her father's wife, who

1207
00:55:31,640 --> 00:55:33,440
Speaker 2: she has the two he has the two siblings with,

1208
00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:35,920
Speaker 2: and now he's coming back to mom because they were

1209
00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:39,279
Speaker 2: legitimately high school sweethearts, and maybe again immaturity that time

1210
00:55:39,480 --> 00:55:43,040
Speaker 2: of life, you know you're getting also the advice of

1211
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:45,959
Speaker 2: parents and other people around when you're young, that also

1212
00:55:46,080 --> 00:55:49,160
Speaker 2: sometimes skews your decision making process. So that might have

1213
00:55:49,239 --> 00:55:51,640
Speaker 2: been the case for her father and her mother. I

1214
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:54,520
Speaker 2: do agree with her though, in that she should she

1215
00:55:54,600 --> 00:55:56,879
Speaker 2: should feel a way that her father is not really

1216
00:55:56,960 --> 00:56:01,920
Speaker 2: actively making some sort of effort, and genuine effort at that,

1217
00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:04,920
Speaker 2: to make some sort of relationship with her. I think

1218
00:56:05,400 --> 00:56:09,400
Speaker 2: if he did exhibit the desire to want a relationship

1219
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:13,720
Speaker 2: with her and it organically authentically happened, that in itself

1220
00:56:13,800 --> 00:56:16,640
Speaker 2: would probably drive her mom to say, wow, like, look

1221
00:56:16,680 --> 00:56:18,759
Speaker 2: at how he's trying to pour into our daughter again

1222
00:56:18,800 --> 00:56:21,839
Speaker 2: and build this relationship, and that might spark something with them.

1223
00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:23,880
Speaker 2: But I think she feels like the outsider in the

1224
00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:27,880
Speaker 2: circumstance because they're canodling and she's like, hey, what about me.

1225
00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:30,440
Speaker 1: One thing I won't do like I said, because I

1226
00:56:30,480 --> 00:56:32,359
Speaker 1: know I'm going to be biased because the three people

1227
00:56:32,400 --> 00:56:34,279
Speaker 1: I'm talking about are dealing with these issues right now.

1228
00:56:34,640 --> 00:56:36,319
Speaker 1: I don't want to speak on the mother and father

1229
00:56:36,480 --> 00:56:40,719
Speaker 1: relationship because anytime you try to build a narrative around

1230
00:56:40,760 --> 00:56:42,640
Speaker 1: what could be, it could necessarily.

1231
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:43,160
Speaker 3: Just not be that right.

1232
00:56:43,239 --> 00:56:45,040
Speaker 1: But I will say this though, all of those three

1233
00:56:45,160 --> 00:56:48,680
Speaker 1: men that I'm talking about are deliberate about having relationships

1234
00:56:48,680 --> 00:56:50,920
Speaker 1: with their children, and it seems like he dropped the

1235
00:56:50,920 --> 00:56:53,200
Speaker 1: ball on that, especially since they live twenty minutes away

1236
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:55,080
Speaker 1: unless there was a court order, which once.

1237
00:56:54,960 --> 00:56:55,840
Speaker 3: Again we don't know.

1238
00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:59,200
Speaker 1: We don't know why twenty minutes away would you not

1239
00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:02,120
Speaker 1: have relationship with your daughter unless there is a court order,

1240
00:57:02,200 --> 00:57:04,000
Speaker 1: in which case we knew with one of the friends

1241
00:57:04,000 --> 00:57:05,719
Speaker 1: of potent out there was a court order for a

1242
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:06,960
Speaker 1: year where he couldn't see his.

1243
00:57:07,080 --> 00:57:09,719
Speaker 3: Daughter for no other reason other than the mom was

1244
00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:10,280
Speaker 3: just lying.

1245
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:16,360
Speaker 2: But what if her mom, unbeknownst to her, was making

1246
00:57:16,400 --> 00:57:19,440
Speaker 2: it difficult for him and his wife, you know, and

1247
00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:21,520
Speaker 2: her mom is not coming clean and saying girl like

1248
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:23,200
Speaker 2: I gave him, I gave him a way to go,

1249
00:57:24,280 --> 00:57:25,400
Speaker 2: not even you know.

1250
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:27,160
Speaker 1: That's why I'm saying it's hard for me to create

1251
00:57:27,200 --> 00:57:30,360
Speaker 1: an idea of why the parents I wish he would

1252
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:33,120
Speaker 1: have done a better job of having a relationship with

1253
00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:35,680
Speaker 1: his daughter, because there's no excuse for that unless there's

1254
00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:38,520
Speaker 1: a court order or like in some of the circumstances

1255
00:57:38,560 --> 00:57:42,040
Speaker 1: we see, it's causing more issues for my current family

1256
00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:46,160
Speaker 1: to try because every time I try, that person is

1257
00:57:46,240 --> 00:57:49,080
Speaker 1: making it difficult for my wife and my kids now.

1258
00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:51,800
Speaker 1: So at some point it's like, what am I supposed

1259
00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:54,400
Speaker 1: to do here? And it's just me as a man,

1260
00:57:55,280 --> 00:57:57,280
Speaker 1: and I'm not judging. No, man, I've never been through this.

1261
00:57:57,800 --> 00:57:59,680
Speaker 1: I've watched one of my friends lose everything in his

1262
00:57:59,800 --> 00:58:02,320
Speaker 1: safe things trying to do this. I will another one

1263
00:58:02,440 --> 00:58:06,040
Speaker 1: lose almost everything trying to get back their child. And

1264
00:58:06,160 --> 00:58:10,000
Speaker 1: my brother is going through it right now with his

1265
00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:13,080
Speaker 1: baby's mother. But I will say this if it were me,

1266
00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:14,880
Speaker 1: there's nothing you can do to keep me away from

1267
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:17,800
Speaker 1: my child period. And I watched those those men and

1268
00:58:18,080 --> 00:58:20,560
Speaker 1: women feel the same way, like there's just nothing you

1269
00:58:20,600 --> 00:58:21,880
Speaker 1: can do to keep me away from my child.

1270
00:58:21,920 --> 00:58:24,320
Speaker 3: I hope she's able to find reconciliation with her dad.

1271
00:58:24,400 --> 00:58:26,320
Speaker 2: I hope so too. I think your feelings definitely are

1272
00:58:26,400 --> 00:58:29,760
Speaker 2: valid to answer your questions, I don't know if you

1273
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:31,760
Speaker 2: should be happy for your mother. I know how much

1274
00:58:31,840 --> 00:58:33,440
Speaker 2: you love your mother and you feel like she was

1275
00:58:33,520 --> 00:58:35,680
Speaker 2: the one who really carried you through all these years,

1276
00:58:36,120 --> 00:58:38,640
Speaker 2: But you can't acknowledge your feelings, and I think that

1277
00:58:38,760 --> 00:58:41,160
Speaker 2: you may be better equipped with someone like a therapist

1278
00:58:41,200 --> 00:58:43,760
Speaker 2: who can help you kind of unhash and really dig deep.

1279
00:58:43,840 --> 00:58:46,440
Speaker 2: And you know, maybe involving your mom and dad now

1280
00:58:46,480 --> 00:58:49,440
Speaker 2: that maybe it way to bring you guys together by

1281
00:58:49,560 --> 00:58:52,240
Speaker 2: putting everybody in one room and say, okay, Mom, Dad,

1282
00:58:52,960 --> 00:58:56,080
Speaker 2: Here's how I feel. That's it, Here's how I feel.

1283
00:58:56,120 --> 00:58:59,880
Speaker 1: If she really wants understanding and reconciliation, she should get

1284
00:59:00,120 --> 00:59:02,720
Speaker 1: them too in the room since they want a canoodle. Now,

1285
00:59:03,200 --> 00:59:05,640
Speaker 1: can y'all please let me know the history of what

1286
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:08,600
Speaker 1: happened during my life in my childhood, Like, I just

1287
00:59:08,720 --> 00:59:11,120
Speaker 1: want to know how I live twenty minutes away from

1288
00:59:11,160 --> 00:59:13,080
Speaker 1: my dad and I wasn't able and I want you

1289
00:59:13,160 --> 00:59:15,000
Speaker 1: both in a room so y'all can tell me the truth.

1290
00:59:15,280 --> 00:59:17,000
Speaker 3: So I want to know exactly what it is. And

1291
00:59:17,080 --> 00:59:19,160
Speaker 3: I'm not judging, No, I just want to know what

1292
00:59:19,320 --> 00:59:22,440
Speaker 3: happened the previous twenty years. I know how to move.

1293
00:59:23,440 --> 00:59:25,440
Speaker 1: I'm not going to blame anybody. Oh you moved that

1294
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:27,560
Speaker 1: way because she did this. Oh you moved that way

1295
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:30,640
Speaker 1: because he did that. Okay, I understand that. So I'm

1296
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:33,800
Speaker 1: just a byproduct of YouTube being young and immature, and.

1297
00:59:33,880 --> 00:59:34,720
Speaker 3: I had to deal with that.

1298
00:59:35,120 --> 00:59:37,480
Speaker 1: Now that I know why we're here and what happened,

1299
00:59:37,920 --> 00:59:40,240
Speaker 1: it can help me move forward. That's the best advice

1300
00:59:40,320 --> 00:59:43,280
Speaker 1: you said. She should speak to both of them collectively,

1301
00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:46,000
Speaker 1: have a mediator to make sure stuff stays there.

1302
00:59:46,000 --> 00:59:47,640
Speaker 2: And you're twenty three now, so they can respect you.

1303
00:59:47,680 --> 00:59:49,760
Speaker 2: As an adult and say, hey, there's no you don't

1304
00:59:49,760 --> 00:59:51,560
Speaker 2: know how to hide anything anymore. Like I'm an adult.

1305
00:59:51,560 --> 00:59:54,040
Speaker 2: We're all adults here, and like you said, no judgment.

1306
00:59:54,120 --> 00:59:54,800
Speaker 3: I just want to know.

1307
00:59:55,200 --> 00:59:56,640
Speaker 2: I just want to know. So good luck to you

1308
00:59:56,720 --> 00:59:59,600
Speaker 2: sis as you continue to heal and deal with these emotions.

1309
00:59:59,640 --> 01:00:02,680
Speaker 2: I hope you can find some reconciliation with your parents.

1310
01:00:02,800 --> 01:00:05,720
Speaker 3: Absolutely. Number two, Dear Kadeen and dval.

1311
01:00:05,760 --> 01:00:07,640
Speaker 1: I wrote this letter at two am by my pool

1312
01:00:07,720 --> 01:00:09,400
Speaker 1: side with tears streaming down my eyes.

1313
01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:11,760
Speaker 3: This is at least I'm sorry.

1314
01:00:11,960 --> 01:00:13,600
Speaker 1: This is the second time my husband and I had

1315
01:00:13,640 --> 01:00:16,320
Speaker 1: a physical fight in our relationship for seven years, and

1316
01:00:16,440 --> 01:00:18,080
Speaker 1: this time it was in front of our one year

1317
01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:20,960
Speaker 1: old baby. I vowed to never be in a relationship

1318
01:00:20,960 --> 01:00:23,680
Speaker 1: that gets physical, much less to have it occur in

1319
01:00:23,720 --> 01:00:26,640
Speaker 1: front of my son. I cannot overcome the guilt and

1320
01:00:26,720 --> 01:00:29,400
Speaker 1: shame I feel for having him witness this crying or

1321
01:00:29,480 --> 01:00:32,400
Speaker 1: because I decided to hold on to him, to take

1322
01:00:32,560 --> 01:00:36,120
Speaker 1: him and prepare his midnight bottle like I always do

1323
01:00:36,440 --> 01:00:39,720
Speaker 1: in aggression from an argument earlier, but his father had

1324
01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:43,000
Speaker 1: already prepared one and came in the room and asked

1325
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:45,640
Speaker 1: for the baby. I just ignored him and went to

1326
01:00:45,760 --> 01:00:49,120
Speaker 1: the kitchen. Then there he came bulldozing me over to

1327
01:00:49,200 --> 01:00:51,800
Speaker 1: collect the baby, so I pushed him back and it

1328
01:00:51,920 --> 01:00:55,160
Speaker 1: went down from there. It's so sad my passive aggression

1329
01:00:55,720 --> 01:00:59,520
Speaker 1: has become has because wait, my passive aggression was because

1330
01:00:59,520 --> 01:01:03,760
Speaker 1: he called cursing me out because I had my new

1331
01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:06,640
Speaker 1: work employer put the parking sticker on his car that

1332
01:01:06,760 --> 01:01:09,680
Speaker 1: I used and claims it's going to damage his tent.

1333
01:01:10,080 --> 01:01:11,320
Speaker 3: A tent guys. Ps.

1334
01:01:11,640 --> 01:01:14,640
Speaker 1: We switched cars because of the distance and his is electric.

1335
01:01:15,120 --> 01:01:18,680
Speaker 1: I never thought something so small and insignificant could catapult

1336
01:01:18,680 --> 01:01:20,560
Speaker 1: because it really had nothing to do with that can

1337
01:01:20,640 --> 01:01:24,880
Speaker 1: catapult into this. Kadeen, don't bash me, please. He sweats

1338
01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:29,000
Speaker 1: the small stuff and I'm so tired. Tell me what

1339
01:01:29,240 --> 01:01:34,240
Speaker 1: I know and what I need to know. Please signs steal.

1340
01:01:34,280 --> 01:01:38,440
Speaker 1: First of all, worthy he First of all, this is

1341
01:01:38,480 --> 01:01:41,800
Speaker 1: a domestic Yeah, like this is nothing to be joking

1342
01:01:41,840 --> 01:01:42,840
Speaker 1: about it No, not at all.

1343
01:01:44,360 --> 01:01:44,600
Speaker 3: Wow.

1344
01:01:45,040 --> 01:01:47,760
Speaker 1: This is once again man. Sometimes you guys write in

1345
01:01:47,840 --> 01:01:50,880
Speaker 1: with these things and we we need context and we

1346
01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:52,880
Speaker 1: really want to help you guys, and it would be

1347
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:56,000
Speaker 1: better if we can hear both sides. One thing I

1348
01:01:56,080 --> 01:01:58,280
Speaker 1: will say though, is that if you're at a point

1349
01:01:58,320 --> 01:02:01,720
Speaker 1: in your marriage seven years. It should never get physical,

1350
01:02:01,800 --> 01:02:03,520
Speaker 1: and it should never get to a point where you're

1351
01:02:03,560 --> 01:02:06,320
Speaker 1: screaming and cursing at each other. Yes, Kaudein and I

1352
01:02:06,400 --> 01:02:08,640
Speaker 1: have talked about times where we've screamed and cursed at

1353
01:02:08,640 --> 01:02:10,960
Speaker 1: each other, definitely, But when it gets to a point

1354
01:02:11,000 --> 01:02:14,360
Speaker 1: where that leads to violence, both parties need to really

1355
01:02:14,440 --> 01:02:16,480
Speaker 1: take heed of what's going on here, because based on

1356
01:02:16,520 --> 01:02:18,880
Speaker 1: even what she said, he was bulldozing her.

1357
01:02:19,040 --> 01:02:22,840
Speaker 3: She pushed him like right, escalator from from there.

1358
01:02:23,040 --> 01:02:25,520
Speaker 1: Somebody at some point has to make a choice to

1359
01:02:25,600 --> 01:02:28,720
Speaker 1: de escalate, and it seems like in this situation, neither

1360
01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:30,440
Speaker 1: party was willing to de escalate.

1361
01:02:30,560 --> 01:02:35,920
Speaker 3: De escalate. I understand that they have a one year

1362
01:02:36,480 --> 01:02:38,080
Speaker 3: one year old son. One year old. There are a

1363
01:02:38,120 --> 01:02:39,120
Speaker 3: lot more issues.

1364
01:02:38,920 --> 01:02:40,959
Speaker 1: When you have a one year old, because you're dealing

1365
01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:44,200
Speaker 1: with sleep deprivation, you're dealing with hormone changes, you're dealing.

1366
01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:47,680
Speaker 3: With the lifestyle changing of YouTube.

1367
01:02:47,760 --> 01:02:49,560
Speaker 1: Because it was just two of you, now it's three

1368
01:02:49,600 --> 01:02:51,760
Speaker 1: of you, and there's someone else that you both have

1369
01:02:51,920 --> 01:02:52,320
Speaker 1: to consider.

1370
01:02:52,720 --> 01:02:54,040
Speaker 2: Said, this is the second time that they had a

1371
01:02:54,080 --> 01:02:57,640
Speaker 2: physical fight in their relationship of seven years. So what

1372
01:02:57,800 --> 01:03:00,479
Speaker 2: happened prior to this one year old baby, right, because

1373
01:03:00,520 --> 01:03:02,160
Speaker 2: there was a pregnancy in the baby once at least

1374
01:03:02,160 --> 01:03:04,840
Speaker 2: two years. So within that first what five years? What

1375
01:03:05,080 --> 01:03:08,160
Speaker 2: happened that caused that? And is there gonna be another?

1376
01:03:08,200 --> 01:03:10,440
Speaker 2: Because if there was one, there's two these two, is

1377
01:03:10,440 --> 01:03:11,000
Speaker 2: there gonna be three?

1378
01:03:11,080 --> 01:03:12,720
Speaker 3: And if they don't deal with their issues, there will

1379
01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:13,120
Speaker 3: be a three?

1380
01:03:13,240 --> 01:03:15,160
Speaker 2: And why is it escalating to physical violence?

1381
01:03:15,320 --> 01:03:15,840
Speaker 3: You know what I mean?

1382
01:03:15,960 --> 01:03:18,240
Speaker 2: Like you can yell, you can argue, you can scream,

1383
01:03:18,280 --> 01:03:20,560
Speaker 2: you can go to your corners, but when it becomes physical,

1384
01:03:20,680 --> 01:03:22,840
Speaker 2: that's when it becomes a big issue. So I think

1385
01:03:22,920 --> 01:03:25,480
Speaker 2: there really needs to be a hashing out and a

1386
01:03:25,520 --> 01:03:27,680
Speaker 2: digging down to see what exactly the root of the

1387
01:03:27,760 --> 01:03:31,920
Speaker 2: issue is. Why are we resorting to violence because that's

1388
01:03:31,960 --> 01:03:34,680
Speaker 2: not acceptable from either party, And that's from a woman

1389
01:03:34,840 --> 01:03:37,040
Speaker 2: being physical to a man and vice versa, And it

1390
01:03:37,080 --> 01:03:39,040
Speaker 2: seems like a person to person, it's not even man

1391
01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:39,439
Speaker 2: and woman.

1392
01:03:39,640 --> 01:03:41,560
Speaker 1: There are certain things here that I just think that

1393
01:03:41,600 --> 01:03:45,120
Speaker 1: it's just like passive aggressiveness is terrible, and pettiness is terrible,

1394
01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:49,880
Speaker 1: and being upset about a tent sticker, right, it probably

1395
01:03:49,920 --> 01:03:51,920
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with the tent sticker has everything

1396
01:03:51,960 --> 01:03:54,600
Speaker 1: to do with other unresolved issues that haven't been dealt with,

1397
01:03:55,240 --> 01:03:57,400
Speaker 1: or being passive aggressive probably has nothing to do with

1398
01:03:57,480 --> 01:03:59,360
Speaker 1: the bottle and everything to do with issues that have

1399
01:03:59,520 --> 01:04:01,720
Speaker 1: not been done with. Right, And if I'm being honest,

1400
01:04:01,800 --> 01:04:05,200
Speaker 1: because this is no joking matter, physical assault often leads

1401
01:04:05,280 --> 01:04:08,760
Speaker 1: to jail time or someone being murdered, especially in domestic abuse,

1402
01:04:09,120 --> 01:04:11,320
Speaker 1: So this has to be dealt with a young lady.

1403
01:04:11,680 --> 01:04:13,560
Speaker 1: I hope you can hear us as we talk to you. Now,

1404
01:04:13,640 --> 01:04:16,800
Speaker 1: this is not funny to us. Kadean would never bash

1405
01:04:16,880 --> 01:04:20,400
Speaker 1: you on this, and neither would I. But it says

1406
01:04:20,440 --> 01:04:24,960
Speaker 1: that you're tired. If you're tired, seek help. This is

1407
01:04:25,080 --> 01:04:26,880
Speaker 1: not something that a podcast can help you with.

1408
01:04:27,200 --> 01:04:27,320
Speaker 4: Right.

1409
01:04:27,480 --> 01:04:29,120
Speaker 1: This is something that you guys need to go get

1410
01:04:29,120 --> 01:04:32,720
Speaker 1: professional help because if it extends to physical educations, it's

1411
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:34,640
Speaker 1: beyond the scope of what we can help you guys with.

1412
01:04:34,800 --> 01:04:36,000
Speaker 1: And she's just the guys on this tree.

1413
01:04:36,040 --> 01:04:38,320
Speaker 2: And you say he sweats the small stuff. It may

1414
01:04:38,360 --> 01:04:40,040
Speaker 2: be small to you, but maybe it's not small to him.

1415
01:04:40,360 --> 01:04:41,880
Speaker 2: Like I had to learn that with Deval. There were

1416
01:04:41,920 --> 01:04:43,640
Speaker 2: some things that I'm like, he'd be like if this

1417
01:04:43,680 --> 01:04:44,840
Speaker 2: happened to you, or if I did this to you,

1418
01:04:44,880 --> 01:04:46,440
Speaker 2: you would feel this way, And I'm like, actually, no,

1419
01:04:46,480 --> 01:04:48,720
Speaker 2: I wouldn't feel that way. Just because you would feel

1420
01:04:48,760 --> 01:04:50,240
Speaker 2: that way doesn't mean I'm going to feel that way.

1421
01:04:50,600 --> 01:04:53,840
Speaker 2: So I realized that just because things that he sweat

1422
01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:57,320
Speaker 2: that I thought were small things to me weren't big

1423
01:04:57,800 --> 01:04:59,960
Speaker 2: didn't take away from the fact that it still bothered him.

1424
01:05:00,520 --> 01:05:00,680
Speaker 3: You know.

1425
01:05:00,960 --> 01:05:02,680
Speaker 2: So you guys need to come to some sort of

1426
01:05:02,920 --> 01:05:05,680
Speaker 2: understanding about what these things are and what the underlying

1427
01:05:05,720 --> 01:05:06,320
Speaker 2: issues are, so.

1428
01:05:06,600 --> 01:05:09,800
Speaker 1: And understanding that just because something doesn't bother you doesn't

1429
01:05:09,840 --> 01:05:13,280
Speaker 1: mean that it's small. For example, I cut Jackson's here

1430
01:05:13,320 --> 01:05:15,960
Speaker 1: when he was one. Kadeen had a conniption, Sure did.

1431
01:05:16,080 --> 01:05:17,880
Speaker 1: I thought it wasn't a big deal. And if I'd

1432
01:05:17,880 --> 01:05:20,080
Speaker 1: have said to her, I think it's small, she'd have

1433
01:05:20,120 --> 01:05:22,760
Speaker 1: been upset about it. Just because it's not a big

1434
01:05:22,840 --> 01:05:25,120
Speaker 1: deal to you doesn't mean you can call it small

1435
01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:27,200
Speaker 1: for something else to somebody else.

1436
01:05:27,320 --> 01:05:28,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, and so then it might be the biggest thing

1437
01:05:29,040 --> 01:05:29,600
Speaker 2: in real life.

1438
01:05:30,080 --> 01:05:32,919
Speaker 3: So I hope you guys actually see seek real help.

1439
01:05:33,560 --> 01:05:35,480
Speaker 1: All all we can do is give you advice based

1440
01:05:35,520 --> 01:05:38,240
Speaker 1: on a little bit of context we gave, But please

1441
01:05:38,240 --> 01:05:39,000
Speaker 1: seek help, guys.

1442
01:05:39,200 --> 01:05:41,760
Speaker 2: For sure, all Right, y'all, keep writing in if you

1443
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:43,600
Speaker 2: want to be featured as one of our listener letters.

1444
01:05:43,600 --> 01:05:45,400
Speaker 2: One of these good old days, Tripple might just pick you,

1445
01:05:45,400 --> 01:05:48,800
Speaker 2: all right. Email us at deadass Advice at gmail dot com.

1446
01:05:49,120 --> 01:05:51,320
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D

1447
01:05:51,520 --> 01:05:54,240
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com.

1448
01:05:54,720 --> 01:05:59,040
Speaker 2: Alrighty, moment of truth time, we're talking amen with mama issues.

1449
01:05:59,280 --> 01:06:02,520
Speaker 1: Yes, my moment of truth is once again very simple. Right,

1450
01:06:02,880 --> 01:06:04,560
Speaker 1: even if you had a great mom like I had

1451
01:06:04,560 --> 01:06:07,120
Speaker 1: a great mom, right, I think it's important for everyone

1452
01:06:07,200 --> 01:06:09,160
Speaker 1: to go back and look at your relationship with your mom,

1453
01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:12,400
Speaker 1: especially if you're planning on having relationships with women, and

1454
01:06:12,480 --> 01:06:15,400
Speaker 1: see how your relationship with your mom can rear its

1455
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:18,000
Speaker 1: head with the women that you date, the women that

1456
01:06:18,080 --> 01:06:20,400
Speaker 1: you choose to even entertain, and how you just treat

1457
01:06:20,480 --> 01:06:23,080
Speaker 1: women in general, even not the women that you're dating,

1458
01:06:23,120 --> 01:06:25,520
Speaker 1: but it's women in general, because you'll find that the

1459
01:06:25,640 --> 01:06:27,840
Speaker 1: way your mom raised you or didn't raise you, or

1460
01:06:27,920 --> 01:06:30,800
Speaker 1: nurtured you or didn't nurture you definitely affects how you

1461
01:06:30,920 --> 01:06:32,439
Speaker 1: see all women in your life.

1462
01:06:32,600 --> 01:06:35,160
Speaker 2: For sure, I'm thinking it from the mom perspective, since

1463
01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:37,880
Speaker 2: I'm a mom with four boys, and I would encourage

1464
01:06:37,960 --> 01:06:41,520
Speaker 2: moms because I can understand that later on in life,

1465
01:06:41,560 --> 01:06:44,320
Speaker 2: when my boys are men, they may say, Mom, you

1466
01:06:44,400 --> 01:06:45,880
Speaker 2: did this or you didn't do that that made me

1467
01:06:45,920 --> 01:06:48,080
Speaker 2: feel this way, And it may be impossible for all

1468
01:06:48,160 --> 01:06:51,760
Speaker 2: four boys to feel my intentions as a mother. But

1469
01:06:51,840 --> 01:06:55,560
Speaker 2: I do want to encourage those moms out there, particularly

1470
01:06:55,640 --> 01:06:58,160
Speaker 2: moms of boys, because we're speaking about men with mommy issues,

1471
01:06:58,240 --> 01:07:00,360
Speaker 2: just to try to find a balance, to find that

1472
01:07:01,000 --> 01:07:04,880
Speaker 2: sweet spot between being that nurturer who cares, who loves

1473
01:07:04,920 --> 01:07:07,720
Speaker 2: on these children, but also the disciplinarian as well, who

1474
01:07:07,840 --> 01:07:10,439
Speaker 2: wants to kind of rule with somewhat of an iron fist,

1475
01:07:10,440 --> 01:07:12,520
Speaker 2: so that we're raising strong men as well, but who

1476
01:07:12,560 --> 01:07:15,520
Speaker 2: are emotionally aware and sound and know how to treat

1477
01:07:15,600 --> 01:07:18,240
Speaker 2: themselves and treat the others around them, and particularly women

1478
01:07:18,320 --> 01:07:20,080
Speaker 2: if they do decide to get into a relationship with

1479
01:07:20,160 --> 01:07:23,160
Speaker 2: a woman later. Definitely, all righty y'all be sure to

1480
01:07:23,200 --> 01:07:26,520
Speaker 2: follow us on Patreon to get exclusive dead Ass podcast content,

1481
01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:30,880
Speaker 2: all daycay episodes, and exclusive fun family content. Let me

1482
01:07:30,920 --> 01:07:32,920
Speaker 2: tell you, since twenty twenty four starting, we've had so

1483
01:07:33,040 --> 01:07:37,200
Speaker 2: much great content on Patreon. Devou's fortieth birthday Jackson's thirteenth.

1484
01:07:37,600 --> 01:07:39,760
Speaker 2: There's just been so many things to watch and to

1485
01:07:40,240 --> 01:07:42,000
Speaker 2: tune into, so be sure to do that. And if

1486
01:07:42,040 --> 01:07:44,280
Speaker 2: you have not been following us yet on social media,

1487
01:07:44,720 --> 01:07:47,720
Speaker 2: hit us on dead Ass the Podcast. You can find

1488
01:07:47,760 --> 01:07:48,760
Speaker 2: me at Kadine I Am.

1489
01:07:48,840 --> 01:07:51,280
Speaker 1: And I Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,

1490
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:53,280
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, and.

1491
01:07:53,360 --> 01:07:55,800
Speaker 2: Subscribe dead Ass, Baby, Yeah.

1492
01:07:57,840 --> 01:07:58,080
Speaker 3: God.

1493
01:08:00,360 --> 01:08:03,400
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and

1494
01:08:03,560 --> 01:08:07,040
Speaker 1: is produced by Donor Pinya and Tribble. Follow the podcast

1495
01:08:07,120 --> 01:08:09,680
Speaker 1: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never

1496
01:08:09,800 --> 01:08:10,240
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