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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and you

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Speaker 1: are listening to Couch Talks, which is the special bonus

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Speaker 1: episode of You Need Therapy that comes out every single

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Speaker 1: Wednesday where I answer questions that you guys sent into

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Speaker 1: Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. So if

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Speaker 1: you have a question that you want me to answer

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Speaker 1: or give some feedback on, uh, send it there and

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Speaker 1: one day I will probably most likely talk about it

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Speaker 1: on here. With that being said, just a little reminder

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Speaker 1: is always that just because I'm answering questions on here

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Speaker 1: and I am a licensed therapist, it doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: this is therapy. This is just you listening to a

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Speaker 1: therapist talk um. But what this might do is encourage

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Speaker 1: you to go and do your own work with a

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Speaker 1: therapist yourself, and uh, I'm all for that. So today

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Speaker 1: we have one question and then I just want to

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Speaker 1: talk about something because I meant to talk about this

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Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago. Um, last week when I

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Speaker 1: had the episode with Justin Baldonie who if you haven't

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Speaker 1: listened to that episode, it was so good. It was

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Speaker 1: probably my top three might be my top one. I

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Speaker 1: don't know, I can't it's so hard to categorize them. Um,

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Speaker 1: but definitely top three conversations I've had because of the podcast,

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Speaker 1: Like in my life. It's called Undefining Masculinity, And if

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Speaker 1: you want to listen to that. If you haven't, I

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Speaker 1: highly recommend you going back. This would be last Monday's episode,

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Speaker 1: not like this Monday, like two days ago, on Monday

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Speaker 1: before that, So go listen to that. But I meant

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Speaker 1: to talk about this then because something happened. I think

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Speaker 1: the week that I had that conversation with Justin, and

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Speaker 1: these are things that happened all the time, and it

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Speaker 1: just so happened to happen again after I had this

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Speaker 1: conversation with Justin and he brought up all these points

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Speaker 1: that really made me think about my conditioning of my

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Speaker 1: brain and how i've you men. So a couple of

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Speaker 1: weeks ago, I was meeting a friend at a bar

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Speaker 1: in Nashville, not downtown. It's I don't really know how

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Speaker 1: to describe the area for people that don't live in Nashville.

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Speaker 1: But I was meeting a friend at a bar and

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Speaker 1: we drove separate. I drove, I parked, and then I

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Speaker 1: waited for him to come, and then it was like

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Speaker 1: street parking. So he drove by my car and was like,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna go find a spot, and I didn't get

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Speaker 1: in his car. I just said I'll meet you at

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Speaker 1: the front, because it was like a well lit area.

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Speaker 1: There's other places and bars and restaurants and breweries around here,

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Speaker 1: and there's street lights and there's people around, and so

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Speaker 1: I was like, I'll just meet your the front, not

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Speaker 1: thinking anything of it. So he's like, okay, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: go park my car. I say okay. So I start

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Speaker 1: walking and I'm walking. I was there and this van

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Speaker 1: or this like suv pulls up going the same direction

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Speaker 1: as me, and one guy rolls down his window and

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Speaker 1: he like kind of like cat calls me, and I

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Speaker 1: was like hey, mama or something like that, and I

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Speaker 1: just ignored it the first time, and then um, he

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Speaker 1: said something again, and so I looked over and I

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Speaker 1: just like to see who who it was and put

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Speaker 1: eyes them, and they said it again, and so I

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Speaker 1: just kind of rolled my eyes, being like you like jerks,

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Speaker 1: like leave me alone. And then another guy rolled down

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Speaker 1: his windows and then there's three guys looking at me

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Speaker 1: and they keep like just like whistling or saying stuff.

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Speaker 1: One of them was like, what are you Italian? Like

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Speaker 1: just saying all these which I am for all of you,

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Speaker 1: was wondering all these things, and then I just kept

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Speaker 1: ignoring them. And then one of them called me a

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Speaker 1: bit and was like, why do you have to be

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Speaker 1: such a bitch or something like that. And at that

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Speaker 1: point I was already a little activated because this was

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Speaker 1: like probably not a long period of time, but like

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Speaker 1: long enough for it feels like I'm at this point

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Speaker 1: being followed down the street. So I just turned around

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Speaker 1: the opposite direction and just walk really fast, and I

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Speaker 1: don't know if I called somebody, but I did something

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Speaker 1: where I got my phone out. I was pretty shaken

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Speaker 1: up and rattled, but at the same time, it was like,

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Speaker 1: m that's just something that happens, Like that is just

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Speaker 1: part of being a female, and like I said, these

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Speaker 1: are things that happened all the time, to the point

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Speaker 1: where it feels like it really isn't that big of

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Speaker 1: a deal being cat called or whistled at. And I

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Speaker 1: mean I've been followed and like public places, so that

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Speaker 1: doesn't always happen in like a dark alley I've been

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Speaker 1: followed around at grocery stores multiple times, and again it

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Speaker 1: just feels like, oh, men like men being men, and

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Speaker 1: that's just life and a big deal. But I wanted

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Speaker 1: to bring this up because it really is a huge deal,

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Speaker 1: Like it's a really big deal and it's not funny

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Speaker 1: at all. And I think those guys were probably harmless jerks,

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Speaker 1: but it's not funny, like that was not funny like

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Speaker 1: and if they thought it was funny, we need to

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Speaker 1: rethink their sense of humor because women have to be

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Speaker 1: aware all of the time, all of the time with

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Speaker 1: that kind of stuff, because yeah, there's some guys that

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Speaker 1: just think that's funny and like to like rile women

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Speaker 1: up and get some kind of sick sense of satisfaction

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Speaker 1: from scaring women. But also there's plenty of guys out

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Speaker 1: there that are doing that and they're also harmful. We

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Speaker 1: have to be on guard. And I also don't need

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Speaker 1: to be conditioned to not think that these things are

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Speaker 1: scary and harmful, because if I am just conditioned and

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Speaker 1: it's not that big of a deal and it just

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Speaker 1: is what it is, I need to stay alert and

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Speaker 1: I need to remember that that's not normal behavior. It's

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Speaker 1: like being conditioned to think that abuse is a normal

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Speaker 1: way to engage in relationships. Like, we don't want people

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Speaker 1: to think that, because when they're going to stay in

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Speaker 1: the relationships that are abusive and and and get hurt,

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Speaker 1: and this goes into anything we're getting humor out of

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Speaker 1: Like I get jokes and and having a sense of humor.

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Speaker 1: I think I have a great sense of humor. But

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Speaker 1: when you're laughter is at the expense of someone feeling safe,

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Speaker 1: you're really crossing the line. And when your joke is

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Speaker 1: at the expense of someone feeling bad about themselves, you're

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Speaker 1: crossing the line. We can make jokes without being mean,

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Speaker 1: I promise, like that is a possible thing. You don't

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Speaker 1: have to hurt people to get joy out of life.

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Speaker 1: I also say this because I'm sure most women that

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Speaker 1: are listening to this have had an experience like I

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Speaker 1: had that night, And I don't want you guys to

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Speaker 1: think that it's not a big deal. And I don't

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Speaker 1: want you guys to think either of like, oh, this

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Speaker 1: is just this just happens. This is men. This shouldn't

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Speaker 1: be how men act. It's not all men either. I

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Speaker 1: know it's not all men, but This shouldn't be like

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Speaker 1: a normal thing that guys do and guys think that

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Speaker 1: they have the like permission to do. You deserve to

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Speaker 1: feel safe and you deserve to not be conditioned to

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Speaker 1: endure harmful mistreatment. And honestly, men, you should really care

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Speaker 1: about this too. You should care about this because it

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Speaker 1: affects women, all women. You should care about this because

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Speaker 1: it also affects men. It affects you because what it

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Speaker 1: does is it helps further perpetuate what Justin was talking

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Speaker 1: about last week in the episode, this idea that women

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Speaker 1: need men to be strong to protect them from other men.

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Speaker 1: And so what we do because of that is we

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Speaker 1: close the space for men to be vulnerable and have

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Speaker 1: feelings because if they are vulnerable and have feelings, we

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Speaker 1: don't feel safe anymore because we need men to be strong,

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Speaker 1: because we need them to protect us when guys are

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Speaker 1: following us down the street. Because the first thought I had,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know if this is right or wrong

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Speaker 1: at this point in my processing of this, but as

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Speaker 1: I was walking on the street, I wish my thought

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Speaker 1: was if I was with my friend that I was meeting,

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Speaker 1: who was a guy, they would not have been doing

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Speaker 1: that I would have been fine. They wouldn't have not

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Speaker 1: a second. It was because I would as a female

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Speaker 1: and I was alone. Actually, I think they would have

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Speaker 1: still done it if I was with a group of girls,

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Speaker 1: but it was because I wasn't with another guy. And

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Speaker 1: so this is important stuff to talk about and process

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Speaker 1: with our friends and the people around us, and are

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Speaker 1: female friends or male friends, or our men, women, non binary,

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Speaker 1: all the people, because this is something that is hurting

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Speaker 1: all of us, all of us. And I also just

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Speaker 1: wanted to bring this up because we haven't really talked

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Speaker 1: a lot about this kind of stuff before, and I

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Speaker 1: think it's important to create space to talk about these things,

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Speaker 1: even if it feels like it's not a big deal,

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Speaker 1: because that did affect me and my friend I was

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Speaker 1: telling him about it after it happened, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: why do you think that? Like I don't even like

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Speaker 1: going to the bathroom alone at a restaurant or at

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Speaker 1: a bar, Like why do you think women travel impacts? Why?

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Speaker 1: Like it's not because I'm not independent. I'm independent, like

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Speaker 1: I can do a lot of things by myself, but

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Speaker 1: when it comes to that kind of stuff, like I

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Speaker 1: don't feel like I have the permission to be independent

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Speaker 1: in that way, and and I don't like that. I

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Speaker 1: really don't like that. So if that, I'm sure all

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Speaker 1: the women listening are like, yes, that's happened to me,

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Speaker 1: And I hate that I can even say that. But

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Speaker 1: if that's ever happened to you, I'm so so sorry,

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Speaker 1: And if you need to space to process that, I

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Speaker 1: really hope that you have somebody in your life where

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Speaker 1: you can at least tell the story too, so you

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Speaker 1: don't have to hold onto it and just make it

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Speaker 1: at some normal thing that men are allowed to continue

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Speaker 1: to do. And I want to invite this idea of

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Speaker 1: like calling that out in a way that's also calling

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Speaker 1: people in. So rather than calling it out and canceling,

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Speaker 1: somebody calling this topic in and inviting people to realize

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Speaker 1: how big of a deal it is when you do

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Speaker 1: that to a woman, because you might think it's a

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Speaker 1: joke and it's funny, and you and your boy's laughed,

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Speaker 1: because you scared me and I rolled my eyes at you,

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Speaker 1: but you terrified me, and you're perpetuating a system of

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Speaker 1: basically abuse that we don't need to continue to perpetuate.

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Speaker 1: So this is a big topic, and I feel like

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Speaker 1: I should have created more space for it, and maybe

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Speaker 1: we will, but I just wanted to start that conversation

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Speaker 1: and open that up because we're dealing with that every

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Speaker 1: single day, every single day. Now with that, go listen

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Speaker 1: to Justin's episode, start some conversations with your friends, and

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Speaker 1: I think maybe we should move on to the question

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Speaker 1: that I'm gonna answer this week. Okay, So here is

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Speaker 1: the question that I have pulled from this week, and

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Speaker 1: it's such a good question. I love it, so hey, Cat,

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Speaker 1: I have enjoyed the couple of episodes, obviously among others

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Speaker 1: um but specifically about finding friendships in adulthood. It's really hard,

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Speaker 1: and I don't think people realize how many people are

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Speaker 1: struggling with the same thing. But it got me thinking,

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Speaker 1: I don't know that I have a hard time making friends.

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Speaker 1: I feel like I have a hard time keeping them.

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Speaker 1: I don't have a best friend of ten years or

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Speaker 1: even talk to people from high school or college anymore.

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Speaker 1: I have a couple of friends at a time, and

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Speaker 1: it seems like through seasons the friends shift and I

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Speaker 1: don't do a good job of keeping intact or in

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Speaker 1: touch with everyone. I guess my is is this okay

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Speaker 1: or does it have to do with something that's wrong

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Speaker 1: with me? I love your podcast as always, Thank you

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Speaker 1: so much. Okay, so obviously said I love this question

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Speaker 1: because it's touching on another part of something that we've

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Speaker 1: touched on. And I think a lot of people feel

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Speaker 1: the way you feel. So you're asking me, do I

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Speaker 1: think that there's something wrong with you? Or is this normal?

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Speaker 1: And I mean, I don't know you. My blanket would

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Speaker 1: always be there's probably not anything wrong with you. And

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Speaker 1: I don't like that. That's even like a thing that

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Speaker 1: we like immediately go into and we're like processing things

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Speaker 1: that are different than other people. It's like, is there

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Speaker 1: something wrong with me? It's like, no, maybe you're just different.

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Speaker 1: Maybe the way you view relationships and how you engage

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Speaker 1: in relationships is different, and that's okay. So with that, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I I literally don't think there's anything wrong with you.

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Speaker 1: I think that people engage in friendships differently. And I'm

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Speaker 1: somebody who has a good amount of friends from different

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Speaker 1: seasons of my life, but also those friendships look different,

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Speaker 1: Like my best friend from high school or my best

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Speaker 1: friend from middle school. I still keep in touch and

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Speaker 1: talk to them, and can that are them friends? But

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Speaker 1: I'm not calling them every day and talking to them

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Speaker 1: every week and hanging out all the time and planning

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Speaker 1: trips with them, and they're not still my best friend.

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Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that, like I'm a bad friend, and

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they're bad friends. It means that, like,

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Speaker 1: as your life shifts and change, your relationships are allowed to.

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Speaker 1: And I think that certain people are in our lives

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Speaker 1: for certain seasons of our lives for certain reasons, and

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Speaker 1: it's okay to also leave a relationship in a season

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Speaker 1: that you're no longer in anymore. I had a lot

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Speaker 1: of friends when I was in my early twenties that

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Speaker 1: were like really fun friends, and yeah we had some

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Speaker 1: deep conversations, but they were people that I like, I

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Speaker 1: spent a lot of time like going out and and

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Speaker 1: doing things that aren't as much of interest to me anymore.

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Speaker 1: And so I shift and change and and the relationships

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Speaker 1: are allowed to change again. I don't feel like we

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Speaker 1: have to stay connected with every single person that we've

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Speaker 1: ever been connected to. I'm sure some of you guys

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Speaker 1: can relate to this. I've been in in weddings of

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Speaker 1: friends that like, I don't really talk to them anymore.

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Speaker 1: That's okay. Like you being in somebody's wedding doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: you have to call them once a week for the

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Speaker 1: rest of your life. It really doesn't. Also, I think

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Speaker 1: there's something to be said about the way that different

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Speaker 1: people's lives shift and change timeline wise. I think maybe

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Speaker 1: in older generations things kind of stayed in the same

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Speaker 1: for the most part, but like things were more normalized

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Speaker 1: to stay in the same kind of trajectory. But now

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Speaker 1: people are doing things all over the place at different times,

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Speaker 1: and none of it's right or wrong. So you're going

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Speaker 1: to have the people who get married early and have

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Speaker 1: kids and do that and that's their life in their

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Speaker 1: path and that's what feels good to them. And then

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Speaker 1: you're gonna have the people who you know, go out

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Speaker 1: and travel and do all these crazy things. Or you're

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Speaker 1: gonna have the people that just you know, are out

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Speaker 1: and going to school and starting a career and and

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Speaker 1: getting married later in life or being single and choosing

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Speaker 1: to stay single, or not choosing to have kids or

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Speaker 1: choosing to have kids. Those are just like simple examples.

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Speaker 1: But you how to know what I mean, Your relationships

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Speaker 1: are going to shift when the lifestyles of you and

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Speaker 1: your friends shift and change, and that's hey, Like that

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Speaker 1: is okay. Like I don't have kids, I'm not really

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Speaker 1: interested in talking about kids. I mean, I love my

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Speaker 1: nieces very cute. I love them so much, and I'm

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Speaker 1: about to have a nephew pretty soon. But I'm not

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Speaker 1: super interested in like going to the park once a

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Speaker 1: week with my friends who have kids. Love that for them,

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Speaker 1: and I love my friends kids, but that's not where

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Speaker 1: my life is. Like what I'm focused on is different,

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Speaker 1: and that is oh okay, that is okay. There's one

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Speaker 1: thing if you're having continuous fallouts and ruptures of relationships,

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Speaker 1: but if they're just kind of floating and you don't

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Speaker 1: have the capacity to keep up with everybody, that's okay.

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Speaker 1: If I were to put the same amount of energy

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Speaker 1: in every single relationship I have just for the sake

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Speaker 1: of maintaining connections that I've created, I would never sleep

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Speaker 1: and I wouldn't be able to work. Like we only

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Speaker 1: have so much capacity. And also, your capacity for friendship

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Speaker 1: and relationship is going to be different than the person

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Speaker 1: next to you, so you gotta take out some of

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Speaker 1: that judgment and comparing. I read or I was listening

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Speaker 1: to Annie f Downs podcast last week, the episode that

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Speaker 1: she did with John McLaughlin and Dave Barnes. Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: I was laughing so hard. You guys have to go

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Speaker 1: listen to that. But she said something and I was like,

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Speaker 1: that honestly just hit me. She said, if we're deciding

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Speaker 1: if our life is okay by looking at someone else's life,

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Speaker 1: we're always going to come up wanting. And she was

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Speaker 1: talking about just things in general. But I think if

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Speaker 1: you're even comparing like your friendships and the longevity of

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Speaker 1: your friendships compared to the people around you and what

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Speaker 1: you see around you, you're always going to think you're

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Speaker 1: doing something wrong because people are different. But people are

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Speaker 1: different for a reason. And going back to the Hummingbirds

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Speaker 1: Jackhammer conversation we had on here a while back in

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Speaker 1: the episode about passion and curiosity, there are some people

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Speaker 1: that are going to be floaters and friendships and they're

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Speaker 1: going to have a lot of acquaintances or a lot

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Speaker 1: of like connections, but they might not have a lot

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Speaker 1: of deep, deep seated, rooted connections. You might have three

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Speaker 1: really really deep rooted connections. Neither of those are right

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Speaker 1: or wrong. And so if we're continuing to look at

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Speaker 1: the person next to us as a way of being Okay,

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Speaker 1: We're always going to think we're doing something wrong, and

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Speaker 1: we are created differently to engage differently because there are

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Speaker 1: so many different people in the world and different needs

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Speaker 1: in the world, and that's okay. So we're kind of

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Speaker 1: widening this conversation out about more than just friendships. But

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Speaker 1: I really just my encouragement to you would really be

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Speaker 1: to sit and and ask myself, am I wondering this

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Speaker 1: because the relationships that I have right now aren't working

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Speaker 1: for me? Are satisfying me? Or am I wondering this

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Speaker 1: because I keep hearing about people having a best friend

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Speaker 1: from second grade? If it's the second one, then you

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Speaker 1: get to say what I'm doing is working for me,

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Speaker 1: like I feel connected and I feel good in my relationships.

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Speaker 1: If I feel at a loss because I really don't

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Speaker 1: feel like I'm getting what I need, that's a whole

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Speaker 1: another conversation. Still doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

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Speaker 1: It just means you might need to shift the way

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Speaker 1: you're engaging with people, But it still doesn't mean something's

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Speaker 1: wrong with you. So I say all of this and

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Speaker 1: kind of want to wrap it up with the overarching

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Speaker 1: theme as we don't need to figure out if what

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Speaker 1: we're doing is what we're supposed to be doing by

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Speaker 1: looking at what other people are doing. We need to

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Speaker 1: look at if what we're doing is what we're supposed

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Speaker 1: to be doing by kind of tuning in, going inward,

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Speaker 1: and are my relational needs being met going to marriage,

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Speaker 1: Like you can be single your whole life and your

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Speaker 1: relational needs could be met. Just because all of your

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Speaker 1: friends get married. Doesn't mean that's what you need to do.

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Speaker 1: It might be what you want, and that's a whole

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Speaker 1: another conversation. But same thing with like kids, Like you

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Speaker 1: don't have to have your needs to be met by

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Speaker 1: having kids. You might not want to have kids, and

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Speaker 1: that's okay, doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Careers, you

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Speaker 1: don't need to have a big, flourishing, huge flashy career

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Speaker 1: to be satisfied. It might be what you want. But

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Speaker 1: we need to do a better job of tuning in

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Speaker 1: and asking us what satisfies us versus what satisfies my

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Speaker 1: fear of being judged or looked at or compared, Because

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Speaker 1: when it comes down to it, you're living your life.

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Speaker 1: You're living it. When it comes down to it. You're

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Speaker 1: in your relationships, So are you gonna try to hold

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Speaker 1: onto relationships just because you think that's what you're supposed

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Speaker 1: to do but they actually don't fill you up and

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Speaker 1: you're exhausted. It's a thing. You can outgrow people. Doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean either one of you are better than the other.

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Speaker 1: You can outgrow people. There are people that have been

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Speaker 1: so close to me in my life that I've loved

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Speaker 1: so deeply and I still love, but we outgrew each other.

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Speaker 1: We don't have anything in common anymore. I still could

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Speaker 1: go to lunch with them and hang out, but I'm

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Speaker 1: They're not gonna be the person I call when I'm

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Speaker 1: in a crisis or need to share something that's on

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Speaker 1: my heart. And that's okay. So thank you for that question.

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Speaker 1: And again, if there is a pattern of ruptures of relationships,

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Speaker 1: that's a whole another answer, and that's something that you

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Speaker 1: might want to process with a actual real life therapist

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Speaker 1: to see what's going on. But if it's just like

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Speaker 1: you growing apart and finding friends in different seasons, that

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Speaker 1: might just be you being resilient and getting your relational

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Speaker 1: needs met. So thank you for your question, and thank

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Speaker 1: you for everybody who sends in a question, because those

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Speaker 1: questions are vulnerable. Even though we keep them anonymous, they

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Speaker 1: still are you sharing a little bit of what's on

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Speaker 1: your heart with me. So I appreciate that, and it

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Speaker 1: helps us create a bigger and better community, which I'm

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Speaker 1: all for here. So I hope you guys have the

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Speaker 1: day you need to have moving forward today and tomorrow

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Speaker 1: and the next day. And I will see you guys. Well,

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Speaker 1: I won't see you, but I will talk to you

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Speaker 1: guys again on Monday.