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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat and you're listening

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Speaker 1: to Couch Talks. Couch Talks is the special bonus episode

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Speaker 1: of You Need Therapy that comes out every single Wednesday,

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Speaker 1: where I answer questions that you guys send to me

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Speaker 1: and you can send those to Katherine at therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com. Now, quick reminder before we get started that

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Speaker 1: although this is a podcast hosted by a therapist and

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Speaker 1: I'm answering your questions during this episode, this podcast does

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Speaker 1: not serve as a replacement or a substitute for any

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Speaker 1: actual mental health services. Now let's get to the question.

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Speaker 1: This is a good question. I am very obsessed with this.

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Speaker 1: I almost made it into a whole podcast for a Monday,

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Speaker 1: but it also makes a good couch Talks episode. So

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Speaker 1: here's the question. I'm going to read the email. Reminder

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Speaker 1: that these always stay anonymous. I will never share name,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes I even change the information you give me

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Speaker 1: because I want it to be less particular, so nobody

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Speaker 1: can figure out who sends season, so everybody can feel

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Speaker 1: safe sending them in. So here is the email. Hey Kat,

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Speaker 1: I'm a new listener to the show. But have been

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Speaker 1: starting to go back and listening to older episodes so

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Speaker 1: I can catch up and feel like I have been

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Speaker 1: here from the beginning. I want to thank you first

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Speaker 1: because your podcast has given me a lot of helpful

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Speaker 1: information that I can actually understand, even if I have

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Speaker 1: to listen to some of the episodes more than once.

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Speaker 1: A little background on me. I'm in my late twenties

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Speaker 1: and I work in finance. I like my job because

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Speaker 1: I'm pretty good at it and I make good money,

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Speaker 1: but that's not, by any means something that I look

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Speaker 1: forward to or really enjoy or have fun doing. I

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Speaker 1: would say that my life is pretty average. I don't

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Speaker 1: think I'm ugly, but I wouldn't call myself pretty. I

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Speaker 1: don't hate my body, but I definitely do not jump

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Speaker 1: at the chance to wear a bathing suit in public.

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Speaker 1: I think I'm a good person, but I don't think

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Speaker 1: there's anything necessarily special about me individually. Again, I see

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Speaker 1: myself as very average. I'm ready to you because I

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Speaker 1: am just in a confused spot. I listened to Monday's episode,

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Speaker 1: and the part where you said people accept the love

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Speaker 1: they think they can get really stuck out to me.

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Speaker 1: I feel like that's true for me. But the problem

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Speaker 1: is I don't really know how to change what I

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Speaker 1: think I can get. Like I said, I don't hate myself.

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Speaker 1: I just feel like I'm pretty average. But I would

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Speaker 1: be lying if I said I didn't want more out

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Speaker 1: of life. I just don't know how to make myself

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Speaker 1: think I can actually get that. Do you have any

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Speaker 1: tips or advice here? Okay? So, like I said, such

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Speaker 1: a good question. Thank you so much for sending this in.

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Speaker 1: I think it's probably something a lot of people are

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Speaker 1: sitting in right now, especially if they had listened to

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Speaker 1: Monday's episode and related to it in any way. So

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Speaker 1: I hear you asking, hear this listener asking how do

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Speaker 1: I gain a greater sense of self worth? That's kind

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Speaker 1: of the depth of the question that I hear inside

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Speaker 1: of this, and what we think we can get is

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Speaker 1: attached to our self worth. We have to believe we

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Speaker 1: are worthy of something in order to confidently ask for

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Speaker 1: it or attempt to attain it. It's the basics of

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Speaker 1: positive psychology. If we think we stuck at something, we're

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Speaker 1: more likely to mess up. You know, if you've ever

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Speaker 1: played a sport, and if you're really in your head

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Speaker 1: about something, whether it's you've been struggling to make a

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Speaker 1: certain shot, or you know an opponent that you're about

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Speaker 1: to play is really good. You can get in your

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Speaker 1: own head and you visualize yourself messing up more than

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Speaker 1: you visualize yourself actually allowing whatever it is to work out,

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Speaker 1: and you play that out. Now a hill that I

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Speaker 1: may die on is the conversation around self worth and

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Speaker 1: self esteem. These get very confused, and I think we

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Speaker 1: spend too much time trying to raise people's self esteem

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Speaker 1: rather than teach people about their self worth. It is

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Speaker 1: very possible to have high self esteem yet still not

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Speaker 1: feel like you have self worth, because self esteem is

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Speaker 1: believing that you're good at something versus believing that you're good.

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Speaker 1: You earn self esteem. It's not permanent. You have to

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Speaker 1: earn it and continue to earn it. Therefore, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: really do much without self worth attached to it, as

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Speaker 1: almost like a foundation. Self esteem is not bad, but

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Speaker 1: it is something that is most of the time attached

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Speaker 1: to the outside versus the inside of who somebody really is.

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Speaker 1: Self worth is very inherent. That's what it is you

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Speaker 1: are born with that I'm a good person and I

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Speaker 1: deserve good things for existing versus I am pretty, so

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Speaker 1: I deserve a man to love me, or I am

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Speaker 1: the smartest person in the room so I deserve respect.

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Speaker 1: And also something to note with this, it doesn't really

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Speaker 1: translate across different aspects of life because not all things

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Speaker 1: are valued in the same way, right, So your looks

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Speaker 1: might get you something in one avenue but not another.

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Speaker 1: Your intelligence might get you something in one space but

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Speaker 1: not another. Self esteem is very hinged on what it

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Speaker 1: is that you have and where you are when you

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Speaker 1: have it. Now, the biggest issues I see was solely

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Speaker 1: relying on self esteem. Again, I want to say it's

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Speaker 1: not bad to have. It just is dependent on how

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Speaker 1: much we're relying on it. And the biggest issues are One,

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Speaker 1: you have to constantly chase it. It's something that continues to

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Speaker 1: you have to prove it and show it and earn it. Two,

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Speaker 1: it changes based on who you're with. Like I said,

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Speaker 1: it does not translate through all aspects of life. And three,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't leave room for everybody. If being good is

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Speaker 1: based on achievements, we can't all achieve the same things.

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Speaker 1: We can't all be CEOs, we can't all be the

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Speaker 1: top of the class. We can't all be the fastest,

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Speaker 1: the best of anything. It's only one best, and that

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Speaker 1: only leaves space for a small percentage of people. So

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Speaker 1: then there's a lot of people left, and they're just

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Speaker 1: all walking around like they don't deserve things because they

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Speaker 1: aren't the CEO, they aren't the top of the class,

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Speaker 1: they aren't the best of whatever it is, So that

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Speaker 1: means that they do not deserve X. However, self worth

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Speaker 1: is not built by becoming the funniest or the prettiest,

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Speaker 1: or even by becoming prettier than somebody else in anybody

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Speaker 1: else's eyes. It is an inherent experience that is not

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Speaker 1: attached to productivity or performance of any kind, which naturally

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Speaker 1: is probably very hard for most humans in the capitalist

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Speaker 1: environment that we are in to really hold on to

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Speaker 1: and see a lot of evidence of. So this person asked,

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Speaker 1: how do I start believing that I can get more

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Speaker 1: than I think I can get? Well, if we want

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Speaker 1: to start to believe that we can get more than

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Speaker 1: what we settle for, then we have to unlearn the

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Speaker 1: belief that X equals Y. Whatever blank is leads to

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Speaker 1: what I can get. Blank doesn't make me good. I

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Speaker 1: am good and I have blank so let's just use intelligence.

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Speaker 1: Intelligence doesn't make me good. I am good and I

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Speaker 1: have intelligence. Those things are separate. They can co exist

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Speaker 1: at the same time, but they don't have to. Now, again,

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Speaker 1: this can be pretty hard because of how much evidence

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Speaker 1: we can come up with that might prove that the

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Speaker 1: old way of thinking is correct. But what we are

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Speaker 1: not doing when we are doing that is seeing the

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Speaker 1: evidence that might disprove that if we focus on the

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Speaker 1: evidence that proves it, that we're not focusing on the

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Speaker 1: evidence that will disprove it. And let me just tell you,

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Speaker 1: we can make arguments for a lot of things that

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Speaker 1: we choose not to make arguments for. This kind of

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Speaker 1: brings back the whole causation versus correlation deal in my brain. Right,

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Speaker 1: So these things that you see connected might be correlated,

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Speaker 1: but did one cause the other? Maybe maybe not. Maybe

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Speaker 1: what caused them was our belief about those things versus

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Speaker 1: actually that thing. So does the intelligence or lack of

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Speaker 1: intelligence on a certain certain subject get somebody the partner

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Speaker 1: that they want or not get the partner that they want,

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Speaker 1: or is it the belief that this is going to

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Speaker 1: lead to this or this is going to not lead

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Speaker 1: to that? Because if I think I cannot attain something,

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Speaker 1: I'm probably not going to show up the same way

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Speaker 1: that I show up when I think I can attain something.

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Speaker 1: Which that's pretty basic. I'm assuming most of you are

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Speaker 1: like kind of shaking your head along with that. But

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Speaker 1: we forget to put that in our heads when it

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Speaker 1: comes to things we want out of our lives. Now,

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Speaker 1: what I don't want people to do is take this

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Speaker 1: to the extreme, like we tend to do on the

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Speaker 1: Internet and say, oh, well, if I just change my

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Speaker 1: mind about something, then I control it. Now. No, I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying that. What I'm saying is you give yourself

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Speaker 1: a better shot at something that way, When you actually

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Speaker 1: look at something in a different way, in a more

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Speaker 1: positive way, you give yourself a different and maybe a

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Speaker 1: better opportunity to attain something than you would have if

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Speaker 1: you see it through a different lens. So people tend

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Speaker 1: to forget that we are the people like people put

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Speaker 1: meaning to things, versus the meaning creates us, Like we

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Speaker 1: put meaning to things, and we can actually be in

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Speaker 1: charge of that. I make meanings out of the judgments

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Speaker 1: that come to my head. So what I would say

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Speaker 1: to anybody who's struggling with this as well is become

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Speaker 1: very aware of what you believe. What do you believe

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Speaker 1: about yourself? What do you believe about other people? What

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Speaker 1: are the differences in that? And then become very aware

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Speaker 1: of how you think life works, what xces lead to whys?

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Speaker 1: Then ask yourself is this true? Or am I allowing

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Speaker 1: it to be true? Where can I actually find evidence

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Speaker 1: that supports us? Where can I actually find evidence that

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Speaker 1: disproves this? And this kind of thing is something that

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Speaker 1: I would really encourage someone to seek individual therapy out for.

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Speaker 1: There's so much inside of the email that I got

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Speaker 1: from this listener, and a lot of coaches and even

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Speaker 1: some therapists out there might try to sell you an

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Speaker 1: easy access general process to change this or fix this.

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Speaker 1: But what I think this question deserves is some intentional,

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Speaker 1: individ vitual time. The truth is, yes, we are all

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Speaker 1: very very worthy and inherently nothing makes one person better

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Speaker 1: than the other or more deserving of love and belonging

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Speaker 1: than another. But the way we learn that and the

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Speaker 1: way we unlearn that can be very niche and individual.

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Speaker 1: And it's not something I can shift and change by

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Speaker 1: talking at you. It's something that requires your participation in

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Speaker 1: your experience in you have to be involved in that process.

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Speaker 1: So this is a jumping off point, as most of

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Speaker 1: these questions that come to me are, I give you

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Speaker 1: jumping off points. So I would start with answering those questions.

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Speaker 1: Become aware of what you believe, what do you believe

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Speaker 1: about yourself, and what do you believe about other people,

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Speaker 1: and then also become very aware of how do you

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Speaker 1: think life works, what xcess lead to wise, where are

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Speaker 1: you kind of putting causation where it just might be correlation,

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Speaker 1: and then you're attaching meaning to that, and then the

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Speaker 1: untying comes from there. So I encourage anybody who's struggling

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Speaker 1: with that to dive into those questions, and then if

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Speaker 1: it's possible for you, seek out somebody that can help

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Speaker 1: you kind of see the blind spots through those questions

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Speaker 1: and sit alongside you and kind of guide you through.

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Speaker 1: I'm teasing those out. So I hope this sparked ideas

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Speaker 1: and questions that are going to lead anyone who is

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Speaker 1: relating to this towards working to the answers that you're

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Speaker 1: looking for. As always, I hope this is helpful in

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Speaker 1: some way to all of you guys. Reminder that you

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Speaker 1: can send in your questions to me Katherine at you

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast dot com and don't forget those big

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Speaker 1: old moments. I can't wait to freed those. And then

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Speaker 1: you can follow me at cat dot Defada on Instagram

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Speaker 1: and at you Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram as well.

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys are having the day that you

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Speaker 1: need to have and I will talk to you guys

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Speaker 1: on Monday