Speaker 1: Hi, everybody, and welcome back to Katie's Crib. In this episode,
Speaker 1: we are talking about a very familiar feeling for a
Speaker 1: lot of parents, and that feeling is called burnout. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's not just feeling stressed out. It is a long
Speaker 1: lasting feeling of stress, exhaustion. It leads to emotional detachment,
Speaker 1: feeling generally ineffective. It is a very real thing, you guys,
Speaker 1: and it also sometimes it can be difficult to admit
Speaker 1: that you're going through it because so many of us,
Speaker 1: me especially, want to act like we've got this whole
Speaker 1: mother thing, motherhood thing very you know, covered, and we're
Speaker 1: all just showing what we think our representatives should be.
Speaker 1: It's an easy trap to fall into, and especially in
Speaker 1: this day and age, when we feel like we have
Speaker 1: to be going seven. Our phones are always on, we're
Speaker 1: always reachable. We're being pulled in so many different directions
Speaker 1: work life, home life, responsibilities as a mom, a wife,
Speaker 1: a friend. The lift goes the list. Excuse me, guys,
Speaker 1: that's the burnout. Talking goes on and on on um
Speaker 1: and I think, on top of it all, I think
Speaker 1: how much we're working these days makes it really hard
Speaker 1: to really sit down and think about who the hell
Speaker 1: we really are. And I think motherhood is the biggest
Speaker 1: sort of identity shift and it has been so far
Speaker 1: in my life. And I was really interested to bring
Speaker 1: on my dear dear friend Troy and Belisario, who is
Speaker 1: a close friend for a very long time, a beautiful
Speaker 1: new mother, an exceptional human being, to talk about this.
Speaker 1: And we're here to talk about your experiences of being
Speaker 1: a new mom and going through how we talk about
Speaker 1: and deal with this new mom life. So let's get started. Hi,
Speaker 1: Troy and Hi? I was like, when do I talk? Also,
Speaker 1: you have to understand it's this new mom thing is
Speaker 1: so recent for me that I was listening to you
Speaker 1: speaking in the opening and totally imagining myself as I
Speaker 1: have with every other episode of this podcast, Pregnant behind
Speaker 1: the Wheel of my are just listening and like just
Speaker 1: being like, Katie, give me everything, tell me everything I know.
Speaker 1: I honestly was like, waiting, when is they too? Like? Guys,
Speaker 1: Try and I are very good friends, and I literally
Speaker 1: been sitting here being like, when is it too soon
Speaker 1: to ask? Try? And Belt sorry to be a guest
Speaker 1: on my podcast, And I think I've made it, like Pat,
Speaker 1: like I think we're past the fourth trimester. We are, absolutely,
Speaker 1: We're just hilarious because I just finished as I passed
Speaker 1: the fourth trimester. I finished that like Happiest Baby on
Speaker 1: the block book Perfect. We had Dr Carpon as a guest,
Speaker 1: which I obviously loved, and I read the book like voraciously.
Speaker 1: I devoured it and I was like, oh, that's gonna
Speaker 1: be so helpful. And the last line is like and
Speaker 1: so when you're out of the fourth trimester, it will
Speaker 1: be a whole new set of things. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm literally out of the fourth trimester tomorrow, glad I
Speaker 1: put stop reading this book, and this ship doesn't end.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it occurs to me that like, my kid's going
Speaker 1: to be a teenager, Like, oh my god, like that
Speaker 1: when he at one, my kids started hitting people all
Speaker 1: the time, included, And I texted the doctor like so
Speaker 1: freaked down. She was like, well, Lucy, hasn't spit in
Speaker 1: your face and said, fuck you mom yet? And I
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, I'm going to happen. That's
Speaker 1: like a thing. Yeah, like we're going to be raising
Speaker 1: human beings. Um so, speaking about you being a relatively
Speaker 1: new mom, yes, how in the hell are you holding up. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, it's very funny. Last night I went out,
Speaker 1: I of course, mom Brane, like I thought I had dinner.
Speaker 1: It's a real thing. I thought I had a dinner.
Speaker 1: So I asked our wonderful nanny to come and watch her.
Speaker 1: And then of course the dinner was like next week.
Speaker 1: And so I was asking Patrick, my husband, is so
Speaker 1: something you would have never done before? Having a right,
Speaker 1: That's what mom Brane is You guys like it is
Speaker 1: literally making mistakes you would never like, showing up on
Speaker 1: the wrong place and the wrong day. It's crazy. I mean,
Speaker 1: I I fully the the entire drive over here. I
Speaker 1: had to check my calendar like three times. I was like,
Speaker 1: it is at Katie's house and it is at one thirty.
Speaker 1: I know this, but I have to keep on checking. Um.
Speaker 1: So he was like, it's okay, let's go take a
Speaker 1: night out. Let's go see a movie. And it was amazing.
Speaker 1: We went out, we saw a movie that we were
Speaker 1: standing outside and he we've been talking a lot about
Speaker 1: if there's anything he can do to help me with
Speaker 1: my exhaustion or anything like that, and I was I
Speaker 1: just kind of said, I was like, you know, when
Speaker 1: you're a little kid and you're so tired you just
Speaker 1: want to cry. I was like, so if you see
Speaker 1: me crying, it's just that kind of like like, I'm
Speaker 1: just a little kid right now. I'm just so tired
Speaker 1: to cry, you know. But it's it's it's awesome and
Speaker 1: it's totally to be expected. You're saying this ship and
Speaker 1: I'm literally looking at you being like, I am I
Speaker 1: gonna have a second kid? Why? Because you're just gonna
Speaker 1: think of that? Yeah. Yeah. I'm literally sitting here being like, Wow,
Speaker 1: I don't life is funny either burnout brain or mom brain,
Speaker 1: which sounds like we're gonna get into this. We have
Speaker 1: a combo plant going on, We're to do um. I
Speaker 1: am sitting here being like, am I ever going to
Speaker 1: have a second child? That is so scary to even ask,
Speaker 1: And I'm asking all of my listeners on Katie's Crib
Speaker 1: when you think if you think one, will it happen?
Speaker 1: But it is. It is interesting too because I actually
Speaker 1: we we know, we now know a lot of people
Speaker 1: who have chosen to because they are in the mode
Speaker 1: of the baby. You know, they're like they're choosing to
Speaker 1: have bang it out, to bang it out exactly like
Speaker 1: and and that to me, I think, particularly because Patrick
Speaker 1: and I we have so many years in between us
Speaker 1: and our siblings both above and below. I love hearing this.
Speaker 1: Yeah oh yeah, so like it's very funny. We're like
Speaker 1: almost identical. So Patrick, his eldest sister is six years
Speaker 1: above him, as younger sisters six years and they're really tight.
Speaker 1: They're all super tight. And then my my older brother
Speaker 1: is six years above me. My younger brother is six
Speaker 1: years below me. So we have the exact same mirroring
Speaker 1: in our family. And we really loved being the middle child,
Speaker 1: having an older sibling that we really looked up to,
Speaker 1: and also having a younger sibling that was like our baby.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, this is so relieving. So you don't
Speaker 1: feel inherently because of how you were raised and how
Speaker 1: you feel good with your yeah, the family structure, you
Speaker 1: don't feel rushed. No, no, no, no, I don't feel rushed.
Speaker 1: And also, like I think it's awesome when siblings are
Speaker 1: super close together. I've just never had that, you know.
Speaker 1: It's like my my siblings also like we were never
Speaker 1: in the same class or like even in school together.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like we were all in elementary school,
Speaker 1: middle school, or high school. Like, so we moved through.
Speaker 1: From an outsider's eye, it sounds like you're doing good
Speaker 1: because you made it to a movie last night, which
Speaker 1: is fucking epic, Like that's really impressive. Well, that you
Speaker 1: look great, But it's really about people in my life, Patrick,
Speaker 1: my therapist, my friends, my parents who have all been
Speaker 1: encouraging me either like asked for help if you need
Speaker 1: a night awesome. We haven't talked about that in a long,
Speaker 1: hot minute on this show. That is really the thing.
Speaker 1: And this is what we talk about as far as
Speaker 1: like we'll get into this a minute, but this whole millennials.
Speaker 1: You and I are both millennials. I'm on the I
Speaker 1: think I'm the first year of it. I was born
Speaker 1: an eighty two and you're more than I don't know
Speaker 1: where you are, but you're in the millennial thing. But
Speaker 1: there's this whole thing about millennials burning out and always
Speaker 1: working hard, busting ass. It's never enough, you know, go
Speaker 1: go go, go, go, go go. We came of age
Speaker 1: at the cell phone, so you're reachable all the time.
Speaker 1: You should be able to work and it it makes
Speaker 1: motherhood hard because it feels like we should just always
Speaker 1: be kicking ass and taking names, and really it takes
Speaker 1: a lot of fucking help and it's so hard. Well
Speaker 1: it's wild because and I find this, particularly with the phones,
Speaker 1: that I really I really don't want her to have
Speaker 1: screen time me either. And I mean, look, she's four
Speaker 1: months old right now, so good time, you're doing great.
Speaker 1: I'm doing great so far, although it is really tough
Speaker 1: when I want to take a bunch of photos of
Speaker 1: her and I'm just sorry ignoring, but but so i
Speaker 1: have my phone somewhere near me, and I'm breastfeeding like
Speaker 1: a lot during the day, and I noticed that like
Speaker 1: when I'm breastfeeding, I just want to be with her
Speaker 1: and I want to be present. I want to be
Speaker 1: looking at her, and I can feel whether it's on
Speaker 1: my amphone, I just feel buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, And people
Speaker 1: who don't have babies or don't know obviously, they don't
Speaker 1: know that I'm with her, like they don't get why
Speaker 1: it's not and they're not responding right away. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: it's and and also it's so crazy because right now
Speaker 1: she's at a time where she can't sit up on
Speaker 1: her own. She I can lay her down, but after
Speaker 1: you know, a minute or two of looking at a thing,
Speaker 1: she wants to be onto something else. So it's it's
Speaker 1: totally constant. And really the only breaks that I get
Speaker 1: her when I put her down to sleep, um, you know,
Speaker 1: in her naps, and who knows if that will be
Speaker 1: five minutes or an hour um, And so they asking
Speaker 1: for help whether it's just like you know, Patrick, can
Speaker 1: you hold her for an hour while I go on
Speaker 1: a ugon so like I can get out and like
Speaker 1: sweat today that it really I find that when I
Speaker 1: come back her and I pick her up, it's like
Speaker 1: a battery that's been recharged. Suddenly, I'm like not to planet,
Speaker 1: I'm not you know that is it to replenished completed,
Speaker 1: you guys, this is I'm not replenished or I am
Speaker 1: Can we because I started as a hashtag, because we're
Speaker 1: making up work? Can you please just yeah, you're not. Also,
Speaker 1: I'm applauding you for movies, and I'm applauding you for
Speaker 1: not looking your phone breastfeeding because my mom used to
Speaker 1: be like, you're not putting the phone near his head
Speaker 1: while your breastfeeding the whole time, six times a day,
Speaker 1: Like I feel like the radio waves. I'm like, oh mom,
Speaker 1: I'm looking at my fucking cell phone the entire time
Speaker 1: I was breastfeeding. It's horrible. It's not horrible, but I
Speaker 1: did have I think where it's like come on, like, well,
Speaker 1: it's my cellphone is always near me, so like what
Speaker 1: about me? And then I was like, well, the brain plate,
Speaker 1: it's not you're doing, it's she still has space in there.
Speaker 1: So I do remember being so relieved though, Like my supply,
Speaker 1: my milk supply went down and someone had said, well
Speaker 1: are you getting Are you looking at your phone while
Speaker 1: you're pumping at work? Because the stress will make it
Speaker 1: so that you make less milk, And that was one
Speaker 1: as soon as I I think it was Kristen Bell
Speaker 1: actually with him, she would say, like, you have to
Speaker 1: go and like literally meditate while you pump. It's the
Speaker 1: only way that milk is going to come out like
Speaker 1: it feels stressed fucking crazy. Okay, guys, I want to
Speaker 1: take a little break here to discuss the app that
Speaker 1: I've been telling you guys about once again. You guys.
Speaker 1: It is called drop spelled d r o P. If
Speaker 1: you haven't downloaded yet, oh my gosh, please do it.
Speaker 1: Is a must. It is making my life so much easier.
Speaker 1: All you need to do you download the free app,
Speaker 1: Yes I did say free. You link your Debitter credit
Speaker 1: card to the app, and then you're done. You're easily
Speaker 1: going to start gaining points every time you shop at
Speaker 1: all your favorite stores. The stores can include you know, Target, Starbucks,
Speaker 1: so for a whole foods and like so many others.
Speaker 1: And after just a few trips to the store, then
Speaker 1: you're able to redeem your points for gift cards at
Speaker 1: all of these places. It's like cyclically amazing. So we're
Speaker 1: member to use my code Katie's Crib. Then you get
Speaker 1: a five dollar Starbucks gift card immediately just for signing
Speaker 1: up and linking your card again. The code is Katie's Crib. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's get back to Katie's Crib. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you guys listening have read this article. If you haven't,
Speaker 1: I really encourage you too, because I feel like a
Speaker 1: lot of the listeners are all millennials. But there was
Speaker 1: this popular BuzzFeed article by Anne Helen Peterson in January
Speaker 1: called how Millennials became the Burnout Generation, which just is
Speaker 1: angering that title it is. I sent it to you
Speaker 1: and what did you think. Immediately Immediately, I was like,
Speaker 1: there's no way I'm touching this. This isn't true. And
Speaker 1: then I read it and I was like, oh, this
Speaker 1: is so accurate, you guys. The article talks about this
Speaker 1: widespread feeling of burnout among millennials, the generation of adults
Speaker 1: board between eighty one and ninety six. It breaks down
Speaker 1: some of the factors contributing to this, such as, you guys,
Speaker 1: the unstable economy and job market, the intensive parenting that
Speaker 1: trained us to be in the constant state of working,
Speaker 1: a generation of Type A students who have become now
Speaker 1: Tie A parents. Um, first and foremost, had you feel
Speaker 1: this burnout? Oh God? Also just that last sentence of
Speaker 1: like the type A people that are going to become
Speaker 1: the Type A parents. Oh wow. So I mean it's real,
Speaker 1: it's so really, it's really real. And I couldn't help it. Literally,
Speaker 1: the minute she came out of me, the first thing
Speaker 1: I saw were her fingers, and I was like, she's
Speaker 1: gonna be a pianist. And it was like and I
Speaker 1: saw her legs, and she's going to be a runner
Speaker 1: and a dancer, and I was like stopping, stop putting out,
Speaker 1: but it's hard because we do that is the way
Speaker 1: that we are trained to work and to commit ourselves.
Speaker 1: You know, it's there's this whole long thing I've been
Speaker 1: reading in this book. Well we're going to talk to
Speaker 1: the author in a few episodes from now, but it's
Speaker 1: about how you know, our parents were baby baby boomer generations.
Speaker 1: So they were like, go out, we'll see you at
Speaker 1: dinner and call offus that call us if anyone's bleeding.
Speaker 1: We don't give a fuck, Like best of luck to you.
Speaker 1: Go get on your bike and ride two miles to school,
Speaker 1: like it doesn't matter. Our parents really went against that,
Speaker 1: and when they raised us, it was like over parenting.
Speaker 1: You're not going to get for a lot of us.
Speaker 1: You know, it was very the term helicopter parenting came along,
Speaker 1: and now here we are the product of that. You know,
Speaker 1: you can have it all. You're going to be the
Speaker 1: best mom in the world, and you're going to be
Speaker 1: super successful in your career, and you're never going to
Speaker 1: show anyone that you're fucking losing your mind while you're
Speaker 1: doing it, and you're gonna be reachable by your phone, um,
Speaker 1: and you're going to rule your child to be at
Speaker 1: Stanford by the age of five or whatever is totally
Speaker 1: But the problem is is that kids need to be bored.
Speaker 1: They need to practice riding their bike at whatever age
Speaker 1: you feel like is safe for them to get to
Speaker 1: school at night at dusk, because at some point they
Speaker 1: need to be adults. And it's like, oh my god.
Speaker 1: Um anyway, we're very new moms, so we don't have
Speaker 1: to deal with that yet, thank god. UM So, how
Speaker 1: do you feel like we're talking? We've been going back
Speaker 1: and forth between mom brain and burnout, which you and
Speaker 1: I have both of. What fucking days it am? I
Speaker 1: at the right time, in the right place. I'm deplenished
Speaker 1: all see you guys listening. Some of the signs of burnout.
Speaker 1: In case you're sitting here listening thinking it's not you,
Speaker 1: here are the chronic signs of burnout. Chronic fatigue, insomnia, forgetfulness,
Speaker 1: impaired concentration and attention. Physical symptoms include chest pain, dizziness, headache.
Speaker 1: So I got a lot of those. Increased illnesses and functions,
Speaker 1: cold flues. How many Z packs have you guys taken
Speaker 1: this year? Guys? Loss of appetite, anxiety, depression, anger, loss
Speaker 1: of enjoyment, not wanting to go to work or spend
Speaker 1: time with family, friends, pessimism, isolation, detachment, feelings of apathy
Speaker 1: and hopelessness, increased irritability, lack of productivity, poor performance great
Speaker 1: literally check those like sorry, it's like I don't think
Speaker 1: I can handle anymore. Um. It's it's funny because that, yeah,
Speaker 1: the way that our parents raised us, this feeling that
Speaker 1: you always have to be honor always bettering yourself. I
Speaker 1: mean that I struggle with a lot, and recently, the
Speaker 1: most helpful thing I say it's helpful because I'm I'm
Speaker 1: hoping to God that it will be helpful is um.
Speaker 1: But it's certainly been beneficial to me so far is meditation.
Speaker 1: It's I was on a great streak as a nears
Speaker 1: resolution that I have dropped it at the end of
Speaker 1: But you know what, actually, I because I just started
Speaker 1: back up when I was my last couple of months
Speaker 1: of pregnancy. I was doing like vedic meditation twenty minutes meditation.
Speaker 1: It's where you're given a mantra. Okay, I always think
Speaker 1: about like the in any hall where Jeff Goldbloom's like
Speaker 1: I forgot my mantra. That was always me. I was
Speaker 1: always like, oh my god, I'm not at the call
Speaker 1: ask okay, but uh so that was amazing when I
Speaker 1: didn't have a child. And now, like I was saying,
Speaker 1: when she goes down for a nap, and it could
Speaker 1: be do you meditate with her? So I am, Well,
Speaker 1: what I'm realizing is that if I put my phone down, uh,
Speaker 1: and I don't do that. Breastfeeding is almost a type
Speaker 1: of meditation because I don't know what it's going to
Speaker 1: be done. I don't know when she's done. I literally
Speaker 1: just have to sit there and engage with her or
Speaker 1: not and just be quiet and breathe until she's done.
Speaker 1: Because she gets I've noticed that she gets very distracted,
Speaker 1: whether it's a light or a sound or a barking dog,
Speaker 1: and then she'll stop, but then she'll want to go back.
Speaker 1: So if I have any of that, like the next
Speaker 1: thing she gets up, she gets frustrated. So breastfeeding has
Speaker 1: been like a very centering, meditative state for you totally.
Speaker 1: It was for me too. Well. No, I was on
Speaker 1: my phone for a lot of it, but when I
Speaker 1: was pumping, I was off my phone for a lot
Speaker 1: of it. And now it's over, and God, I was
Speaker 1: supposed to meditate. In two thousand nineteen, I did like
Speaker 1: a good fifteen days in a row. I forgot well
Speaker 1: I can actually, I mean I actually have been doing
Speaker 1: because I also love the Sam Harris podcast, and he
Speaker 1: came out with an app called the Waking Up Podcast,
Speaker 1: the Waking Up app which is really linked to because
Speaker 1: I'm on Headspace. People love Headspace, people loves try Insight,
Speaker 1: but the Sam Harris one is really good because it
Speaker 1: also has these things that you can listen to to
Speaker 1: talk about why it's beneficial. I mean they have he is.
Speaker 1: It's just Sam Harris talking about like free will versus premeditation.
Speaker 1: Like it's really interesting. But so you find a meditation
Speaker 1: and like running you said, are things which might healthy meditation,
Speaker 1: Like I have to I have to exercise, whether that's
Speaker 1: just even putting her in a carrier and going on
Speaker 1: a hike. I know you're very good at that on
Speaker 1: your Instagram, You're good. It's like the only thing I
Speaker 1: know how to post. I'm just like here, I am
Speaker 1: on the same she's on like a mountaintop with your
Speaker 1: baby and a stroller or like in a carrier, just
Speaker 1: like getting after it because I just I get punchy.
Speaker 1: If I'm in the house, I get super punchy. And
Speaker 1: then you know, Patrick comes home the end of like
Speaker 1: a workday or something like that, and I'm just like,
Speaker 1: we're gonna talk to anybody but the dog and somebody
Speaker 1: who can't tap back, like and I kind of lose
Speaker 1: my and He's like, okay, I'll be I'll be with
Speaker 1: our daughter. Um. Yeah, but that's really helpful. I find
Speaker 1: I love that we need to do that. And it's
Speaker 1: like when when during all of the burnout job situations
Speaker 1: that we're doing like, I just I think that that's
Speaker 1: why for me, it's about finding if you can't find obviously,
Speaker 1: twenty minutes a day, twice a day, like I couldn't
Speaker 1: keep it up with a new baby. But I found
Speaker 1: a different way to meditate, which was I you know,
Speaker 1: I knew she was going to go to sleep if
Speaker 1: I put her on a carrier and I went out
Speaker 1: and I would walk without headphones and I would just
Speaker 1: like look a look at look at a freaking flower.
Speaker 1: Yeah exactly, Or when I'm breastfeeding, just be like, I'm
Speaker 1: going to sit here and be with her. Because you
Speaker 1: notice it's the thought patterns that rise up that you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is the cycle of ship that's just always spinning
Speaker 1: in the back of my head. And if I never
Speaker 1: actually just take time to listen to it, then you
Speaker 1: find it affects you in weird ways. So that's this
Speaker 1: is very helpful reminder to me. Something we don't often
Speaker 1: talk about is this thing called invisible labor and emotional
Speaker 1: labor of being a mom. So like and this was
Speaker 1: brought up in the article too, and you, guys, you
Speaker 1: should read this article. It's really fascinating for your millennials
Speaker 1: out there. I think I'm the oldest millennial on the block.
Speaker 1: What was the year again, two guys, I'm a group.
Speaker 1: Something we don't talk about is this, like I said,
Speaker 1: this invisible labor and emotional labor of being a mom.
Speaker 1: So the routine tasks involved with household, childcare, mental and
Speaker 1: emotional exhaustion, which I think is also adding to the
Speaker 1: burnout and is mom brain. But like I was reading that,
Speaker 1: it's not like you get to do less work because
Speaker 1: of your job. After your day job, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. It's like you're basically working two jobs right now.
Speaker 1: You're an actor, your producer or director. You do all
Speaker 1: of those things. They take up a lot of hours
Speaker 1: your day. You're also a mom. You're also running a household.
Speaker 1: As helpful and amazing as our husbands are, they truly are.
Speaker 1: But like the person who knows that at eleven am
Speaker 1: today was my son's sixteen month appointment, and the person
Speaker 1: who packed his snack bag, and the person that knew
Speaker 1: that he had to come home and have lunch after
Speaker 1: he had his shots, and where the motion is in
Speaker 1: case he has an allergic reaction or he has a
Speaker 1: bad reaction shots. That's me. That's not my husband, even
Speaker 1: though my husband's super fucking involved. So I just added
Speaker 1: all of this ship on top of me also being
Speaker 1: an actor, hosting this podcast, hosting other things, running a
Speaker 1: theater company. How in the funk are we supposed to
Speaker 1: do this? Like, how are you dealing with it? Because
Speaker 1: you're very new. I'm super new, and I'm still in
Speaker 1: the dealing with it, which I guess we're always in. Uh.
Speaker 1: It just told me that there was motion detective, and
Speaker 1: all you want to do is look at your and
Speaker 1: I want to look at my and is she in
Speaker 1: or she um? So the way that I'm dealing with
Speaker 1: it is like I'm realizing that I'm we as human
Speaker 1: beings were limited. You know exactly what you said. We
Speaker 1: feel like we just tack on being a mom to
Speaker 1: all of these things, or tack on all of these
Speaker 1: things to being a mom. And I want to be
Speaker 1: there for her all the time, but that's not possible
Speaker 1: because I end up like it's kind of what the
Speaker 1: phrase that I use is like I become an empty
Speaker 1: well because that I'm somebody, Like I'm somebody who needs
Speaker 1: to work. I love working. I love being creative, so
Speaker 1: are you. And you want her to see that, and
Speaker 1: I want her to see that. And I find that
Speaker 1: if I don't fill up my creativity well by you know,
Speaker 1: even if it's meditation or exercise or when you know,
Speaker 1: I go get coffee with my writing partners so we
Speaker 1: can talk about the new draft of a script. Um.
Speaker 1: Then I returned to her and I don't have anything
Speaker 1: to give her, literally, like my creativity stores are low,
Speaker 1: and all I want to do is just like end
Speaker 1: up putting like a toy in front of her and
Speaker 1: being like, oh, I hope that that, you know makes
Speaker 1: you not want to cry for the next thirty minutes,
Speaker 1: but it won't like otherwise, I'm if I feel good
Speaker 1: and I'm refilled, I want to engage with her. I
Speaker 1: want to say, like, oh, what are you looking at?
Speaker 1: Are you looking at that light? Now you're looking at
Speaker 1: the other light, You're looking at the shiny thing that's new.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, You're able to bend over in a
Speaker 1: completely different way. I kind of think it's like the
Speaker 1: opposite of Like I always ask people who have two
Speaker 1: or three kids now, I'm like, how could you love
Speaker 1: another baby as much as you love your first or whatever?
Speaker 1: And people always say it's incredible, But like your heart is,
Speaker 1: like your heart just get bigger, right, to just include
Speaker 1: more people. And as much as I would like to
Speaker 1: say that, I have been able to get bigger at
Speaker 1: what life has thrown at me, which is now motherhood
Speaker 1: on top of all the things I was also doing
Speaker 1: for my career, for my husband, for my family. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't think it's possible, Like I just feel like,
Speaker 1: I just feel like it's never been more important to
Speaker 1: like take breaks, read a book, um, unplug, go, turn
Speaker 1: off your phone, go for a walk, meditate, all of
Speaker 1: the whatever thing that is for you to do. Like
Speaker 1: when I go see a play and I get a
Speaker 1: nanny and I or a babysitter, or if I can't,
Speaker 1: like if Adam and I we have like you know what,
Speaker 1: we're at our nanny threshold this week. We can't do
Speaker 1: another friendlier Saturday night out. It's too expensive. This is ridiculous. Um,
Speaker 1: but we really need to connect and we want to
Speaker 1: go see theater because that's something for us that really
Speaker 1: fills us up with joy. It's like we call in
Speaker 1: those favors, like I call in you know, friends who
Speaker 1: will come. My brother will come and put just watch it.
Speaker 1: He's already asleep. You just watch TV. It's like he
Speaker 1: doesn't let me go. Yeah, you know, but I've never
Speaker 1: felt more that breaks for me are the most important
Speaker 1: thing to be a better mom to my kid. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because you know you can't. I want to figure out
Speaker 1: a good way to a good way to say this,
Speaker 1: but it was something that I was talking about with
Speaker 1: my therapist the other day that you know, in order
Speaker 1: to love our children, we cannot They are the center
Speaker 1: of everything for us, but they can't also be the
Speaker 1: only thing. It's too much pressure. It's too much pressure
Speaker 1: for them. Well now when we're supposed to be raising
Speaker 1: them to leave. Yes, you know what I mean, Like
Speaker 1: if they're doing a like a job of making I'm hoping,
Speaker 1: Like when I describe the person I would like to
Speaker 1: help support, independent is a word I use. So they
Speaker 1: can't be the only thing in my life, because then
Speaker 1: my life is going to be over when they don't
Speaker 1: have their own talking well. And also they will feel
Speaker 1: that guilt of leaving you. They'll be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: my mom is entirely dependent on me for meaning and
Speaker 1: purpose in her life, and that's crushing, crushing. I have
Speaker 1: family members that are totally kids that have that. UM.
Speaker 1: So we're getting into a little bit. Our identity is
Speaker 1: moms and for some, like we're talking about, it's it's
Speaker 1: an all encompassing part of their lives. UM. And I
Speaker 1: think there's this for you and I being millennials and
Speaker 1: feeling this need to succeed, Like do you feel that
Speaker 1: pressure right now as a new mom feeling this need
Speaker 1: to succeed as a mom? Oh my god. So I
Speaker 1: used to whenever there was like a new like actress
Speaker 1: who was having a moment, I used to have, you know,
Speaker 1: like I wouldn't even like name their names, but like
Speaker 1: they'd crop up and whatever and I'd immediately start to Google.
Speaker 1: I was like, well, when did they start acting? Like
Speaker 1: so I know, it's like, oh, they started. There were
Speaker 1: four they were like in the wound. Now whenever there's
Speaker 1: like somebody knew, I'm like, yo, is she a mom?
Speaker 1: Does she have kids? Or has she just selfishly pursued this?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, four months into this that is yeah,
Speaker 1: but you're not wrong. Yeah, And because now when I'm
Speaker 1: trying to figure out, like you do I get to
Speaker 1: go to a play in New York? You do? I
Speaker 1: get to go you do. But it's wild to consist.
Speaker 1: But once amade thing is that you're asking yourself a
Speaker 1: little bit right now, right because I mean like, look,
Speaker 1: I have a year and a half year old. But
Speaker 1: let me tell you, honey, if I'm so experienced, I'm
Speaker 1: not that experienced either, because but you have you do it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you do it, and you figure out how to do it,
Speaker 1: and you figure out how to make it, how to
Speaker 1: make your work work with your situation, and it involves
Speaker 1: asking like help you already know that part try and
Speaker 1: that's huge. I was like really hard to ask, Like
Speaker 1: it's super like I feel like we're both two women
Speaker 1: who were like, oh, we got it, we got it,
Speaker 1: we can do it in our own like and motherhood
Speaker 1: has been the biggest thing for me. Like I was
Speaker 1: so weak after I had Albie, and I was in
Speaker 1: such a bad way mentally, and I just I was,
Speaker 1: I was like I I literally I don't think I've
Speaker 1: ever said I can't do this to people, And motherhood
Speaker 1: was the thing for me. I was like, I can't
Speaker 1: do this, Like this is so fucking hard and and
Speaker 1: and it's not like it's act like I've done harder things,
Speaker 1: um meaning like like I've done you know, I mean
Speaker 1: I haven't run a marathon so and that would not
Speaker 1: be it, but like I've struggled and I haven't been
Speaker 1: able to pay my rents and I had no money
Speaker 1: and I was broken, things like that. But motherhood, for
Speaker 1: some reason, the mental identity shift was really fucking hard
Speaker 1: for me. Well maybe it's not that you can't do this,
Speaker 1: but maybe it's that you can't do this the way
Speaker 1: that you are accustomed to doing it. And I find
Speaker 1: that for me, that to planet for me. That's that's
Speaker 1: what I'm starting to learn, is that I used to
Speaker 1: my parents used to call it, you know that like
Speaker 1: everybody calls it this, but like they used to always
Speaker 1: refer to me, is burning the cannel on both ends.
Speaker 1: It used to be like try and stop it. Then
Speaker 1: my whole life too, because I would go back to
Speaker 1: my room, I would study until three in the morning.
Speaker 1: I would wake up at six in the morning, and
Speaker 1: I would get up and do all these other things
Speaker 1: for like student counsel. I'd be in the play, and
Speaker 1: i'd be on a soccer team like whatever, and it
Speaker 1: just wouldn't end. And then my parents would just go,
Speaker 1: you're gonna get You're gonna make yourself be sick in
Speaker 1: order to just take a break and being a mom.
Speaker 1: I can't do that anymore. I can't literally now that
Speaker 1: I'm breastfeeding. I did one of those days where I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I just won't pump, like I'll just
Speaker 1: run to this, this, this and this, And I got
Speaker 1: home and I was like in tears because my my
Speaker 1: boobs were rocks and you just didn't take fifteen minutes.
Speaker 1: I had to pump with me in the car, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I'll make it, it's fine. Like what
Speaker 1: was I rushed? Like, I don't understand what I was
Speaker 1: deep in trying to make happen because for some reason,
Speaker 1: the even the idea of strapping the hands free bra
Speaker 1: on clicking and all the fucking pump parts. You're just like,
Speaker 1: I can't fucking do it. I couldn't, But no, you're
Speaker 1: gonna have to do it because otherwise you're gonna end
Speaker 1: up with rock tits and it's so painful and so terribleful. Um,
Speaker 1: what do you think of the idea that motherhood is
Speaker 1: a job. Because there's this genius and it almost brought
Speaker 1: me to tears passage I'm going to read it listeners,
Speaker 1: so close your eyes if you're one of those people
Speaker 1: that likes to close their eyes while they listen to
Speaker 1: stuff that's better than me. But there's this passage from
Speaker 1: Year Yes by Shawna Rhymes that expresses her views on
Speaker 1: the subject. Shawna says, being a mother there is not
Speaker 1: a job. Stop throwing things at me. I'm sorry, but
Speaker 1: it is not. I find it offensive to motherhood to
Speaker 1: call being a mother a job. Being a mother isn't
Speaker 1: a job. It's who someone is, It's who I am.
Speaker 1: You can quit a job. I can't quit being a mother.
Speaker 1: I'm a mother forever. Mothers are never off the clock.
Speaker 1: Mothers are never on vacation. Being a mother redefines us,
Speaker 1: reinvents us, destroys and rebuilds us. Being a mother brings
Speaker 1: us face to face with ourselves as children, with our mothers,
Speaker 1: as human beings, with our darkest fears of who we
Speaker 1: really are. Being a mother requires us to get it
Speaker 1: together or risk messing up another person forever. Being a
Speaker 1: mother yanks our hearts out of our bodies and attaches
Speaker 1: them to our tiny humans and sends them out into
Speaker 1: the world forever hostages. It's so true. That is right,
Speaker 1: and that is why our identity is shifting. Absolutely absolutely,
Speaker 1: it's it's there is always going to be no matter
Speaker 1: where I am in the world, no matter how fine
Speaker 1: she is or how old she is, there's going to
Speaker 1: be a part of my brain that's wondering is she warm?
Speaker 1: Is she happy? Is she fed? Is she safe? And
Speaker 1: that never goes away exactly like she said, it never.
Speaker 1: You can't quit that job. You don't ever stop worrying,
Speaker 1: And it does actually reconnect me. Did you think about
Speaker 1: this ship when you were like, I'm like, did you know?
Speaker 1: Didn't neither? It didn't either. I literally was just talking
Speaker 1: to somebody yesterday and I was like, do you think
Speaker 1: I didn't think about becoming a mom enough? And she said,
Speaker 1: which I'm so grateful for. She said, no, you just
Speaker 1: you couldn't have thought of this because you didn't experience it.
Speaker 1: You never didn't know if you had, if it had
Speaker 1: occurred to you, it wouldn't have made a difference. But now,
Speaker 1: as I think I told you last him, like, I
Speaker 1: see women crossing the street on their cell phones, drinking
Speaker 1: and iced coffee, and I just know. I'm like, I
Speaker 1: can smell that you don't have a child at home.
Speaker 1: I know, and I don't resent you for it, but
Speaker 1: you don't know what you have right now because you
Speaker 1: are just in your own world. And that's fine, and
Speaker 1: that's wonderful. And that's an experience that I've had. I
Speaker 1: had for thirty two years of my life was in
Speaker 1: my own world, and now I'm literally like in somebody
Speaker 1: else's world, and it's something else is more important than
Speaker 1: anything else. But we do need the other things, which
Speaker 1: I love that you brought up to fill up our well.
Speaker 1: But I really the identity shift really is and it's
Speaker 1: so cheesy and lame, and I wish it was more complicated.
Speaker 1: Than this, but people are like, your priorities really change,
Speaker 1: and it could not like I just have one thing
Speaker 1: that comes above it all, Like I just meaning like
Speaker 1: I just his health and his well being and his
Speaker 1: safety and his happiness are more important than my own.
Speaker 1: Like it's so fucking crazy and I can't I don't
Speaker 1: know if that's right or wrong, but it's just like
Speaker 1: how I feel like it's just like I he's just
Speaker 1: my true responsibility. And I've always felt, well, Adams, my responsibility,
Speaker 1: my dog is my responsibility, my parents and my responsibility.
Speaker 1: I'm a very responsible millennial. But I've never felt that's
Speaker 1: so true to be the case until I had a kid,
Speaker 1: And like you guys know who were listening, it wasn't
Speaker 1: like that for me right away, And I want to
Speaker 1: talk about if that was for you, if your identity
Speaker 1: shift happened really quickly. Because I did not like being
Speaker 1: a mom right away, and I did not like my
Speaker 1: I feel bad saying I didn't like my kid right
Speaker 1: away because he wasn't you know, he was just like
Speaker 1: a pooping, crying bob. But meaning, I just was like,
Speaker 1: what the funk is this stranger? And I didn't feel
Speaker 1: maybe I was even resentful to the identity shift. I'm
Speaker 1: not sure, but I didn't take to it right away
Speaker 1: at all. And then all of a sudden, at like
Speaker 1: two months, I got struck hard with this bolt of
Speaker 1: lightning of love for this kid. And that's when I
Speaker 1: started to feel oh no, oh no, oh no, my
Speaker 1: my sort of like blase, I could give a shit
Speaker 1: about this turned into anxiety of like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: now I'm worried, like now I'm worried that my love
Speaker 1: is outside of my body and like to worry about
Speaker 1: this kid and I love him a lot, like that's
Speaker 1: now in my new scary, so scary. Did you feel
Speaker 1: connected to her right away? Did you feel motherhood? I mean,
Speaker 1: when I first saw you, I was like, I think
Speaker 1: I saw you. She was like six weeks older, so
Speaker 1: I didn't even know, but I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: Troy and Bell, SORRYO, you are a mother in the
Speaker 1: most beautiful I mean, I don't know if it was,
Speaker 1: but it looked fucking easy or maybe I don't know
Speaker 1: what that is. I don't know. I think I think
Speaker 1: it's interesting. I probably have experienced a latent um, you know,
Speaker 1: like I I don't know if it's postpartum depression of
Speaker 1: any kind, but I've experienced it in a very delayed sense.
Speaker 1: I know someone it was six months. Yeah, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: well it was because during my pregnancy I wasn't really
Speaker 1: you know, we we were surprised by the fact that
Speaker 1: I was pregnant. We were ecstatic, but also nine months
Speaker 1: is a long time to thinking about it and just
Speaker 1: be like, wow, how is this going to change our
Speaker 1: life and what's going to happen? And and then also
Speaker 1: there was the like very hilarious, which I know that
Speaker 1: we've spoken about. I had always had the expectation for
Speaker 1: some reason. Maybe it's because I was surrounded by brothers
Speaker 1: growing up that I was going to have a boy.
Speaker 1: So when we found out that it was going to
Speaker 1: be a girl, I was we haven't talked about this.
Speaker 1: I was floored. I was shocked. Were you worried? Of
Speaker 1: course I was worried because I was thinking about my
Speaker 1: relationship with my mother. I was thinking about, honestly, like
Speaker 1: my history with my eating disorder. This horror, this is
Speaker 1: all of your ship staring right literally, thank you great,
Speaker 1: that's why I mean, that's why she's here. It's so true,
Speaker 1: also hilarious for many reasons, but it's so true but
Speaker 1: also like hilarious. I don't the one time I did. Ever,
Speaker 1: I had a dream once that I had a girl
Speaker 1: and I met her in in a club. I saw
Speaker 1: this like blonde dancings like beautiful, a year old blonde
Speaker 1: and like she and I went out and I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, that's my daughter. This is before I
Speaker 1: was pregnant. And she turns around and she's like, Mom,
Speaker 1: what are you doing here? Get away from me? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, I just want to hang out with you, honey,
Speaker 1: and she was like and I think I think she
Speaker 1: called me the C word. I think she was like,
Speaker 1: she's like, it's not your time. You're too old to
Speaker 1: be here. And I woke up and I turned to Patrick.
Speaker 1: I was like, our daughter is so mean, and he
Speaker 1: was like, you're not even pregnant. What are you talking about?
Speaker 1: The one like, so my imaginings of a girl are
Speaker 1: just so you're gonna hate me. And so I don't
Speaker 1: even know if mentally I could, you know, I could
Speaker 1: have any sort of expectations. I just didn't understand. I
Speaker 1: didn't grow up with girls. It was such a foreign,
Speaker 1: alien landscape to me. And thankfully I had a really
Speaker 1: wonderful group of women around me. Um, and as I've
Speaker 1: gotten older, I've become more and more better friends with women,
Speaker 1: which is just right. Also, Mom has even made that
Speaker 1: probably stronger, so much stronger, and has it really strengthened
Speaker 1: your I feel like, does it change your relations with
Speaker 1: your mom? Well? Her coming and change my relationship because
Speaker 1: a I finally understood so much of my mother's opinion
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, right, you were somebody before me.
Speaker 1: She'll probably need to be thirty three before she realizes that,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I was somebody before her, and now I'm
Speaker 1: just her mom to her for the next three years
Speaker 1: or whenever she gets context. Um, But it totally changed it. Also,
Speaker 1: it's just nice to be able to see my mother
Speaker 1: give love to her in a way that's not burdened
Speaker 1: by our thirty threes of experience, three three years of experience,
Speaker 1: you know, Like, because to me, it's like my mom
Speaker 1: touches me, and it's just it's it's latent. There's so
Speaker 1: much in that touch and it's so much history. She
Speaker 1: touches her, and I'm just like, you love her, you
Speaker 1: just love her. She loves her, She loves her. I
Speaker 1: ran into your mom and she was just like. I
Speaker 1: was like, Wow, this woman is into being She won't
Speaker 1: is that word she she won't use granmar? Yeah, excuse me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: my mom was not using grandma either. Yeah. I think
Speaker 1: that was like the first thing when we told her
Speaker 1: that I was pregnant. She was like, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to be grandma. It's like, if that's what you're worried about, Sure,
Speaker 1: I see where your priorities are. Sure my mom's the
Speaker 1: same boat. My mom was like absolutely not. My mom
Speaker 1: is not being called grandma. We're still sorting it out.
Speaker 1: And I was like, Mom, you better figure it out.
Speaker 1: Like the kid has like a good twenty word vocabulary,
Speaker 1: like your need to figure it out. But your question
Speaker 1: was did I was? I immediately connected. Yes. So, um
Speaker 1: when when the birth happened, Uh, it was very funny
Speaker 1: because I what I said about it is that Patrick
Speaker 1: looked at me and he was like, honestly, it's it's
Speaker 1: as if nobody told you that you had a baby
Speaker 1: inside of you. I was I was screaming, I was laughing,
Speaker 1: I was crying. I was shocked. And I kept on
Speaker 1: training him and saying like, oh my god, Patrick, it's
Speaker 1: a baby. And he was like, I know, and I
Speaker 1: was like, no, to baby, And I thought, I don't
Speaker 1: know what I thought. I thought it was gonna be
Speaker 1: like a sketch of a baby, or an I owe
Speaker 1: you of a baby, like, but she was there. She
Speaker 1: had ten fingers, she had ten toes, she had her ears,
Speaker 1: she had her eyes like and so I was, uh, like,
Speaker 1: I am trying not to cry right now. Um she
Speaker 1: Immediately I just wanted to. I didn't want to be
Speaker 1: apart from her. Ever, I couldn't stop staring at her.
Speaker 1: I felt immediately loved, responsibility, like adoration for her. She
Speaker 1: was just she was awesome, like in the original sense,
Speaker 1: like the biblical sense of the words, like this huge, amazing. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I just couldn't believe it. And now it was almost
Speaker 1: like it was an idea too or something. And then
Speaker 1: she came out and it was like it became so real. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because it didn't make sense. It was like, Okay, great,
Speaker 1: we're gonna have a daughter that's lovely and sweet and
Speaker 1: like romantic. What the capital are like, We're having a daughter?
Speaker 1: How wonderful? And then suddenly I was like, oh no,
Speaker 1: that's her, Like I'm I'm always going to know her face,
Speaker 1: you know, hopefully if I'm lucky, for the rest of
Speaker 1: my living days. Like, um, and that's wild that The
Speaker 1: way that Patri're going to talk about it is, Um,
Speaker 1: your whole life, you've known your familial relations, right, you
Speaker 1: know what your brother's face looks like because you've seen
Speaker 1: it every day growing up. This is a familiar relation
Speaker 1: that you didn't know what they looked like until now
Speaker 1: in your life. And I was just bowled over by
Speaker 1: that that that there could be somebody who was so
Speaker 1: a part of us and so apart will be a
Speaker 1: part of our lives and we only get to meet
Speaker 1: them now. Um, I know, after your whole experience like
Speaker 1: you are, now now I'm getting to meet this person
Speaker 1: and it's awesome. And so I think that I the
Speaker 1: love was overwhelming very early on, and now I think
Speaker 1: the the depression or the postpartum experience that I'm having
Speaker 1: is balancing, like you're talking about that, Like, oh God,
Speaker 1: now that I know that crushing love and adoration for somebody,
Speaker 1: how do I balance that? How do I balance that?
Speaker 1: When like it's really hard, I mean, like to be honest,
Speaker 1: right now, I'm listening to Michael Pollen's how to change
Speaker 1: your mind about, you know, doing psychedelic drugs, And I'm
Speaker 1: just like I need to be in the jungles and
Speaker 1: I want to I can't be here with you breastfeed.
Speaker 1: Let's get on a plane right now and go to
Speaker 1: I gotta go to brew to the Amazon. I mean seriously,
Speaker 1: but your life is inalterably changed. You totally changed, and
Speaker 1: that is that is something that I still four months in,
Speaker 1: have not wrapped my head around, and I'm constantly being
Speaker 1: smacked upside the head by it every day, you know,
Speaker 1: like how to juggle it all? How to juggle it? Yeah?
Speaker 1: How did it say? Like this is an important life
Speaker 1: experience to me, I need to do it. I need
Speaker 1: to figure out how to bring her with. It's all
Speaker 1: asking for help. Yeah, that's it, I think. I mean
Speaker 1: in my one year and three months experience, I'm known
Speaker 1: is that it's all help, I think, and hopefully everyone listening,
Speaker 1: like your support system of friends, family, aunties. Again, Like
Speaker 1: it's like Dr KRP said, this horrible millennial thing of
Speaker 1: like you can have it all and you can do
Speaker 1: it all is bullshit because this is especially the idea
Speaker 1: of motherhood, because this is truly something that five people
Speaker 1: would raise one child, and that is just not the
Speaker 1: truth anymore. And so when you would get some sort
Speaker 1: of opportunity that you loved, some creative fulfillment or something,
Speaker 1: or a job that paid your bills or whatever the
Speaker 1: hell it is, you could leave the baby with aunt's,
Speaker 1: grandma's someone who also unconditionally loved your kids. Now now
Speaker 1: I'm just paying for that, and financy is amazing, but
Speaker 1: like I have to, like my parents don't live here,
Speaker 1: like we're in a totally new But also, like you're saying,
Speaker 1: you reach out to your friends, you reach out to
Speaker 1: your community, and that also like, let's be honest, I'm
Speaker 1: not you know, saying that you don't you want to
Speaker 1: take away people's time, but like it's elevating their experience too,
Speaker 1: Like I have a lot of friends that you love
Speaker 1: hanging out with her, and they would treasure the opportunity
Speaker 1: to get to spend some time. And that means so
Speaker 1: much to me. To get to you, it's just like
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go, you know, have a bath upstairs, like
Speaker 1: talking about the Fourth Chemists, can you hold her while
Speaker 1: I actually go to the bathroom for the first time today,
Speaker 1: I get ready. I just read some instagram like motherhood
Speaker 1: is Motherhood's for you if you don't mind changing your
Speaker 1: tampon while a three year old toddler stares you in
Speaker 1: the face, because like, that's my normal. Because like when
Speaker 1: your kids starts walking and doesn't let you go to
Speaker 1: the bathroom by yourself and you're trying to change your
Speaker 1: tampon and the kids just unrolling the toilet paper roll
Speaker 1: while you're changing your tampon, You're just like, this is
Speaker 1: just what motherhood is. Um, how have you had any
Speaker 1: sort of thing about getting in touch at all with
Speaker 1: the mom, with the person you were before you turned
Speaker 1: into a mom see your breastfeeding now. So I don't
Speaker 1: know if you have you gone out on a rager yet,
Speaker 1: because that's you know, yes. So here's the hilarious thing.
Speaker 1: As I god, Patrick and I like, I had a
Speaker 1: meltdown the other night because I was just like, well,
Speaker 1: first of all, that was my biggest meltdown when I
Speaker 1: was pregnant, was that, like and not that Look, I'm
Speaker 1: not advocating for doing illicit drugs, but like I was
Speaker 1: pregnant suddenly and I was like, I've never had a
Speaker 1: hunter ass Thompson experience in Vegan I never had I have.
Speaker 1: I never got like it too late for us. I
Speaker 1: don't think that we can do it. We can do it.
Speaker 1: But I was like, you know, every year of my life,
Speaker 1: all of my friends and usually my husband have gone
Speaker 1: to Burning Man, and I could never go because I
Speaker 1: was on the show. And then this was actually supposed
Speaker 1: to be my year, past year to go to Burning Yeah,
Speaker 1: and like all my friends were gearing up and they're like,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be amazing, and I was pregnant. You're not going,
Speaker 1: you can come, And I was like, dude, I am
Speaker 1: eight and a half months pregnant. It is boiling hot
Speaker 1: in the desert. Y'all gonna be doing your thing and
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna be sitting here having people like on
Speaker 1: mushrooms touch my belly and be like your fertility goddess.
Speaker 1: Like I'm not down for that. So God bless it.
Speaker 1: Maybe in the future, um, but but I did have
Speaker 1: this like I can't do this. I have to be
Speaker 1: responsible for somebody else because A the using my body
Speaker 1: to grow and and now I'm using my body to
Speaker 1: feed her, and so I do have this like and
Speaker 1: now that I'm doing I put her down at seven,
Speaker 1: and I do a dream feed at eleven. Even if
Speaker 1: I drink a glass of wine, you know, like, or
Speaker 1: even if I, you know, like, put her down, drink
Speaker 1: a glass of wine, wait a few hours for it
Speaker 1: to pass out of my system or pump whatever. It's like,
Speaker 1: I'm still very limited in my experience of who I
Speaker 1: used to be when I could go out. And Patrick
Speaker 1: always kind of reminds me, he's like that you never
Speaker 1: really went out and got wasted. I'm like put into
Speaker 1: I want to. And it's now the point that you
Speaker 1: can know. That's the very we're not used to being
Speaker 1: told no, this is bullshit. Yeah, that's the wild thing.
Speaker 1: Well here's what you have to look forward to when
Speaker 1: you go no, it's great. No one goes harder than
Speaker 1: a group of moms who have a nanny's or mother
Speaker 1: in law's, moms or husband's or significant others watching their
Speaker 1: baby for the night. I went out with a mom
Speaker 1: crew last Monday night and I threw up all night long,
Speaker 1: and I haven't done that in a hundred years. I
Speaker 1: was so fucking trashed. Because the point is is like,
Speaker 1: you're still like I can go so hard, Like I
Speaker 1: used to, except you can't because you're exhausted and you
Speaker 1: have like five tequila drinks and you end up throwing up.
Speaker 1: But anyway, Um. The other thing I oh, I was
Speaker 1: thinking about was one time I did get really really
Speaker 1: really really they say the new rule is, and don't
Speaker 1: quote me on this, I'm not a doctor. Um, if
Speaker 1: you can drive, you can nurse. So like like, so,
Speaker 1: you don't really want to be buzzed, but if you've
Speaker 1: had two glass of wine and you've had a whole
Speaker 1: bowl of pasta, most likely you would be fine to
Speaker 1: drive a car in two hours and you can nurse. Whatever. Um.
Speaker 1: One time I was so I couldn't take it anymore.
Speaker 1: Like I had given this child my body for a
Speaker 1: year and then I've been nursing for a year and
Speaker 1: it was like enough already. So I got completely wasted
Speaker 1: while nursing, and I pumped. I was like, I was
Speaker 1: just pumping and dumping and pumping and dumbing, and all
Speaker 1: I have are photos of me and our kitchen floor pumping.
Speaker 1: I'm asked naked, and then I woke up in the
Speaker 1: next morning and there's just the bottles of the milk.
Speaker 1: And Adam wrote drunk all over the bottles, and it
Speaker 1: was like, do not give these to our son? This
Speaker 1: is like such a mess. But I think that there is.
Speaker 1: I think you and I are in this really sort
Speaker 1: of why I want to talk to you, even though
Speaker 1: I know motherhood is very new to you and it's
Speaker 1: new to me as well, and we're both struggling through
Speaker 1: this identity shift crisis versus. I just think some of
Speaker 1: the moms who are my dear friends, who have older kids,
Speaker 1: you know, in their teens, I think they've sort of
Speaker 1: just accepted that they are a mom, which is awesome,
Speaker 1: and you and I will hopefully get there. But I
Speaker 1: think you and I think we're just still like reaching,
Speaker 1: Like I still like I was that person. I just
Speaker 1: went to New York for the you know, for two
Speaker 1: days by myself. I was out till three o'clock in
Speaker 1: the morning both nights, Like, who the hell do I
Speaker 1: think I am? Right? I still have to come back
Speaker 1: here and take care of my kid. It was like
Speaker 1: I had the flu. I was like taking down, like
Speaker 1: it was horrible because I just really went hard. Yeah,
Speaker 1: well that was and my experience. I think over think
Speaker 1: it was Christmas or something. Yeah, I put her down
Speaker 1: and I had, God, I had like two and a
Speaker 1: half glasses of wine, which for me out course, like
Speaker 1: at that point, you know, she's two months old. I
Speaker 1: was so tired and so out of it, and I
Speaker 1: hadn't been sleeping, and I was like, oh whatever, this
Speaker 1: was amazing and I felt good and I was laughing,
Speaker 1: and then of course she woke up an hour later
Speaker 1: and was crying and then needed me, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is horrible. God, I can't do this to myself
Speaker 1: and I can't do this to her. And I was
Speaker 1: like not it wasn't drunk like holding her, but I
Speaker 1: was exhausted, and it's it is fascinating that you you
Speaker 1: just feel totally different. There's a totally different set of circumstances.
Speaker 1: And I don't know what it is. Or friends who
Speaker 1: like a mom and dad, like they make rules like
Speaker 1: if one person like gets drink or smoke sweet or
Speaker 1: whatever it is, the other person doesn't because they're like afraid,
Speaker 1: God forbid, like they needed to drive to the hospital.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, this is like too much. We have
Speaker 1: uber right, Like I can't like I'm not going to
Speaker 1: spend the rest to my life like Adam does something
Speaker 1: and I'm not or I am that's insane. No, but
Speaker 1: I do know people they might go real hard. Maybe
Speaker 1: the thing is they just go real hard. Just please
Speaker 1: tell me on this podcast that are days of burning
Speaker 1: man or like going for a weekend in Vegas. They're
Speaker 1: not over right, No, No, I don't think so. I'm
Speaker 1: just not there yet. No, we're not there yet, but
Speaker 1: soon we're just itching the work life balance. I feel
Speaker 1: a little bit further ahead than you. You will get it,
Speaker 1: and I hopefully will only get better at it. And
Speaker 1: you are a wonderful reminder of me to ask for
Speaker 1: help because I have not been doing a great job
Speaker 1: at that. Do you have any words of advice for
Speaker 1: new moms who are trying to figure out who the
Speaker 1: f they are? Good luck? Yeah, good lue. But also,
Speaker 1: like like I would said, be go easy on yourself,
Speaker 1: you know, and like remember whether you're four months in,
Speaker 1: whether you're you know, a year in or more like,
Speaker 1: just go easier on yourself and know that it's going
Speaker 1: to be constantly changing. And know your limits because I'm
Speaker 1: constantly learning my limits. I you know, I push it.
Speaker 1: I burn the candle at both ends. Just the other night,
Speaker 1: I'm like literally editing a short film right now that
Speaker 1: I shot and wrote when she was nine months, when
Speaker 1: I was nine months pregnant, and now I'm like finally
Speaker 1: getting around to editing it. And I put her down
Speaker 1: and it was eleven and I asked Patrick for help
Speaker 1: and he was giving me notes. In the middle of
Speaker 1: the note session, I just started crying and I was like,
Speaker 1: I can't hear this right now. I'm so tired. Why
Speaker 1: did I And He's like, well, why did you ask me?
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to, you asked me. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: no, no no, no, I'm so grateful that you would be
Speaker 1: willing to do this with me and try, but like,
Speaker 1: I need sleep right now. And it was heartbreaking for
Speaker 1: me to feel that because in the past, you would
Speaker 1: have worked forever again until three in the morning. Who cares, like,
Speaker 1: because I would have woken up when I woken up,
Speaker 1: like when I woken up, and I would have been fine.
Speaker 1: But now I'm I have to be there on call
Speaker 1: for some body whenever she needs me. And that is
Speaker 1: you know, as Shaunda said, like, it's a job you
Speaker 1: can't quit. It's a job you can't defer pass on
Speaker 1: to somebody else. You can ask for help, but ultimately,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm her, you know number one, So just
Speaker 1: go easy. We don't want you to get too deplenished.
Speaker 1: Don't get to plenish. Don't plenish yourself for the sake
Speaker 1: of someone else. Guys, don't get too deplenished, because we
Speaker 1: want you to be good at the best moms you
Speaker 1: can be, but also not be too deplenished. It's it's
Speaker 1: it's that classic and I know that, like it's it's
Speaker 1: such a thing that moms say to themselves all the time,
Speaker 1: but it really does help. It's that the air mask
Speaker 1: in the airplane, right, you have to you have to
Speaker 1: strap on your own air mask in order to help
Speaker 1: somebody else. I've never thought about that really, I mean
Speaker 1: now that you say, and I feel like that's good.
Speaker 1: You have to, And that's like the first thing of motherhood.
Speaker 1: It's like we gotta strap on our own mother. You
Speaker 1: have to. It's like she's she's been screaming at me,
Speaker 1: you know, like baby girl, I'm gonna piss myself if
Speaker 1: I don't come with me to the bathroom. I know
Speaker 1: you're hungry, but I promise as soon as this happens,
Speaker 1: me and then I will feel and then I will
Speaker 1: feed you. I'm I'm never not going to feed you.
Speaker 1: You're gonna get fed, whether it's like in a thirty
Speaker 1: seconds or now, um brilliant. Yeah, So that's all I
Speaker 1: can try in You are a beautiful mom. Thank you.
Speaker 1: This was so excellent. Like you are, You're like you're
Speaker 1: killing well. I really you know that you've been such
Speaker 1: an inspiration for me, whether it's you know, you're an
Speaker 1: inspiration to me. I gotta remember the air mask. I
Speaker 1: gotta remember to ask for help. I mean, this is
Speaker 1: like we're going to be teaching each other for a
Speaker 1: long time. I'm really such about it. Thank you guys
Speaker 1: so much for listening to Katie's Crib, and be sure
Speaker 1: to check out Shonda land dot com, where you can
Speaker 1: find every episode of Katie's Crib. And we've got crib
Speaker 1: notes for each episode where you can find out more
Speaker 1: about our guests and links to some of the resources
Speaker 1: we talked about on the podcast. And last but not least, subscribe.
Speaker 1: We're on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Sitcher basically like wherever you
Speaker 1: get your podcasts. Want you want, you Want