Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode as we, of
Speaker 1: course break down the Psychology of our twenties. I'm so
Speaker 1: glad that you're here. I'm really excited for this episode
Speaker 1: because it is something that comes up so much on
Speaker 1: the podcast and is such a deeply hidden fear for
Speaker 1: so many of us. One of the things I hear
Speaker 1: so often from twenty somethings from people beyond that age,
Speaker 1: people in their thirties, is this fear of ending up
Speaker 1: alone and never finding the one. I hear it from
Speaker 1: people who have never dated before and feel very inexperienced
Speaker 1: and behind when it comes to those romantic situations and
Speaker 1: hitting those romantic milestones that everybody around them seems to
Speaker 1: have already met, and you know, they find it really
Speaker 1: hard to imagine that they'll find love because they've never
Speaker 1: experienced it before. I also hear from people who have
Speaker 1: been in long term relationships for years and years and
Speaker 1: they've broken up with their partners, perhaps the person that
Speaker 1: they thought they were going to marry, and they wonder,
Speaker 1: they wonder that they've missed their chance to grow up
Speaker 1: with somebody, and whether they will ever find anyone better.
Speaker 1: It is such a common dilemma, one that I think
Speaker 1: really unites us, not just as twenty somethings, but as people,
Speaker 1: as human beings. I don't want to be alone. I
Speaker 1: want love. I want someone to share my life with,
Speaker 1: and it's not bad to admit that, or to assume
Speaker 1: that just because you have this deep desire to maybe
Speaker 1: eventually find somebody, you can't also be happy as a
Speaker 1: single person. You can be so self aware and content
Speaker 1: and fulfilled and still want someone to add to your
Speaker 1: life without giving up everything that makes you independent already.
Speaker 1: But I also think in many ways we have been
Speaker 1: conditioned to see singlehood as this curse, as something that
Speaker 1: everybody wants to avoid, and that really fosters a fear
Speaker 1: of being alone and a fear of ending up alone,
Speaker 1: when really I don't think that that's the worst thing
Speaker 1: that could happen to us. This episode was really inspired
Speaker 1: by someone who contributed to our twenty something Diary series
Speaker 1: on Instagram. If you follow us on Instagram, you will
Speaker 1: know that once a week we basically talk to someone
Speaker 1: anonymously who is in their twenties somewhere in the world,
Speaker 1: and we ask them, what are you worried about? How
Speaker 1: much you haven savings, what do you want to change
Speaker 1: in the next five years? And we have this person
Speaker 1: from Perth and Australia right in and talk about how
Speaker 1: the thing that she is most worried about is ending
Speaker 1: up alone. And during this day in a Life that
Speaker 1: she gave us, she was going on a date and
Speaker 1: she kind of spoke about how she was in this
Speaker 1: relationship for most of her late ten years and early twenties,
Speaker 1: suddenly found herself single and had been single much longer
Speaker 1: than she expected, and with each passing year it just
Speaker 1: felt like more and more people were finding the one.
Speaker 1: We're getting into these relationships and there were no good
Speaker 1: people left. There was nobody left that would fulfill her
Speaker 1: or be her partner, and it just kind of felt
Speaker 1: like a race, like a race to find someone before
Speaker 1: she turned thirty. And when I posted that and we
Speaker 1: spoke about it, so many of you could relate. So
Speaker 1: many of you were listening and reading her account of
Speaker 1: situationship after situationship with no future and no exclusivity and
Speaker 1: really seeing yourself reflected back at you. I think at
Speaker 1: the root of what this person was talking about, what
Speaker 1: we're talking about today, is a completely natural fear of loneliness,
Speaker 1: a fear of missing out, a fear of falling behind,
Speaker 1: a fear of judgment, of uncertainty, like you know, who
Speaker 1: am I going to have when I'm old and gray?
Speaker 1: And of course social pressure, and how so many of
Speaker 1: the cultural narratives we experience and we're exposed to seem
Speaker 1: to innately tie our self worth and our identity to
Speaker 1: a relationship status, like having a partner, you know, finally
Speaker 1: means that you are desirable and valuable, And if you
Speaker 1: don't have a partner, that is a personal failure. There
Speaker 1: is something about you that is lacking. It is such
Speaker 1: a labyrinth. I don't feel like I don't need to
Speaker 1: tell you that if you're experiencing it right now, And
Speaker 1: it can be pretty emotionally draining when you've been dating
Speaker 1: with no luck, no end in sight, when you want
Speaker 1: to deprioritize dating and actually be happy alone. But it
Speaker 1: feels like there is this little voice of your head
Speaker 1: being like you're running out of time. You're running out
Speaker 1: of time. So today let us talk about it. We're
Speaker 1: going to talk about this very innate and psychological fear
Speaker 1: of ending up alone, where it comes from, what kind
Speaker 1: of people it turns us into, how it influences our
Speaker 1: dating habits as well, and how it is possible for
Speaker 1: us to really hold too truth at once. I want love,
Speaker 1: but love is not my only purpose. I can be
Speaker 1: happy alone and still want a relationship without letting it
Speaker 1: sabotage my individuality. How exactly do we sit with our
Speaker 1: fear without letting it control us or making us very
Speaker 1: deeply unhappy and stressed, as it so often does. Well,
Speaker 1: let's trap in. We have so much show unpack, so
Speaker 1: much to talk about today, and surprisingly, perhaps not surprisingly
Speaker 1: if you are a long term listener, a whole lot
Speaker 1: of science and psychology to explain what it is you
Speaker 1: may be feeling. So without further ado, let's get into it.
Speaker 1: Our fear of being alone is a lot more complex
Speaker 1: than just that just simply being alone. It really taps
Speaker 1: into our very core and I would say primal fears
Speaker 1: of firstly rejection and secondly isolation, two things that we
Speaker 1: have been hardwired for millions of years. Millions of years
Speaker 1: of evolution have taught us to avoid those two specific
Speaker 1: feelings and experiences. As humans, we really thrive on being seen,
Speaker 1: being loved, being surrounded by community, and it has built
Speaker 1: us to really want connection wherever we can find it,
Speaker 1: and to build trust, build something bigger that feels meaningful
Speaker 1: and safe around those connections. That is what ensured our
Speaker 1: survival long long ago. When we don't have that, especially
Speaker 1: when it comes to a romantic love and we've been
Speaker 1: single for some time or we've never dated, when we've
Speaker 1: maybe been rejected far too many times than we would
Speaker 1: like to acknowledge. This elicits a very distinct kind of
Speaker 1: feeling known as social pain. So social pain occurs when
Speaker 1: we feel isolated, we feel excluded, rejected, cut off, and
Speaker 1: it may sound like it's less serious than physical pain,
Speaker 1: but actually neuroscientists back in twenty fourteen in Italy found
Speaker 1: that when they were studying the brain regions that lit
Speaker 1: up when we were experiencing rejection versus physical pain, it
Speaker 1: was the exact same region that was processing those distinct
Speaker 1: kinds of discomfort and pain. So this area, this brain
Speaker 1: region is called the posterior insular cortex for those of
Speaker 1: you interested, and that is what we used to think
Speaker 1: as our pain receptor and our pain receptor in terms
Speaker 1: of you know, we kick our foot or like bump
Speaker 1: our toe, or we cut our finger, and that's where
Speaker 1: physical pain is processed. And that is the only role
Speaker 1: of that area. Here's a brief life and about pain.
Speaker 1: Though pain is constructed entirely by our brain and by
Speaker 1: our neurons that are responding to some environmental stimuli or cue.
Speaker 1: You know, if you bump your knee, you'll be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: my knee hurts, but it's actually your brain that is
Speaker 1: creating that painful experience for you. And the same goes
Speaker 1: for social pain, and that social pain when we get rejected,
Speaker 1: when we feel lost, lonely, when we feel unworthy of love,
Speaker 1: is happening in that same cortex area, the posterior insular cortex.
Speaker 1: If you have been you know, single for some time
Speaker 1: and you recently went on yet another date that was
Speaker 1: a dud, or you feel disconnected from all your friends
Speaker 1: who are in relationships who just aren't making the time
Speaker 1: for you that they used to. That is a painful experience,
Speaker 1: and it is felt as intensely as physical pain. It
Speaker 1: is processed, created, constructed, felt by the exact same region.
Speaker 1: So I really don't want you to be sitting there
Speaker 1: being like, oh my god, I'm just making way too
Speaker 1: much of this situation. I don't want you to be
Speaker 1: shaming yourself for this experience, feeling like you are over reacting,
Speaker 1: feeling like it's not as intense as you feel it is.
Speaker 1: Because the science is telling us the you know, research
Speaker 1: is telling us that actually know, it is very equal
Speaker 1: to what might be a much more valid physical experience
Speaker 1: of pain, or what society would like to tell us
Speaker 1: as a valid painful experience. So we have a natural
Speaker 1: drive to want to find someone. We are both motivated
Speaker 1: by the comfort of finding someone and the discomfort of
Speaker 1: the social pain that we tend to experience. We are
Speaker 1: hardwired to avoid these scary feelings of isolation and rejection. However,
Speaker 1: the thing is is that so often, just because we
Speaker 1: are single, we aren't actually fully alone. We are surrounded
Speaker 1: by people, surrounded by friends and family. We do have communities.
Speaker 1: So it's interesting because Surely this experience of isolation shouldn't
Speaker 1: sting as much as we think. It's not like we're
Speaker 1: stranded in like the wilderness and a boyfriend or a
Speaker 1: girlfriend would be our only chance for connection. We actually
Speaker 1: have plenty of chances for connection. It's interesting because what
Speaker 1: we are lacking is not an entire support system. We
Speaker 1: are just lacking a mate or a partner. And why
Speaker 1: is it that despite having all of those connections, we
Speaker 1: still feel this social pain so intensely. If you want
Speaker 1: to identify white people fear and feel this fear so
Speaker 1: intensely even when they have, you know, platonic and familial
Speaker 1: relationships around them, you have to also examine the cultural
Speaker 1: environment that we are in. It is very hard to
Speaker 1: feel shame or embarrassment or even fear about something if
Speaker 1: somebody hasn't told you in the first place that there
Speaker 1: is something wrong with what you are doing, or that
Speaker 1: there is something wrong with your reality, or someone hasn't
Speaker 1: scared you with some awful future hypothetical of being miserable
Speaker 1: and regretful and lonely at fifty. Our fear of being
Speaker 1: alone is also partially derived from our environment, say about
Speaker 1: twenty percent of it might be biology and evolution. The
Speaker 1: rest of it, the eighty percent that is left over,
Speaker 1: is societal. It is cultural. It is social. If you
Speaker 1: are single right now, I feel like I don't even
Speaker 1: need to tell you this, but society really does prioritize
Speaker 1: partnership and it puts romantic love on a pedestal. A
Speaker 1: relationship is like this golden prize, and it's made to
Speaker 1: seem so wonderful. People write poetry and love songs and
Speaker 1: create works of art about love. They spend hundreds of
Speaker 1: thousands of dollars to show their love for one another
Speaker 1: through a wedding and lavish gifts and huge grand gestures.
Speaker 1: You know, people die for love. People survive for love
Speaker 1: that looks pretty appealing, and if you've never experienced it before,
Speaker 1: or it's something that you're really longing for, that can
Speaker 1: be made to seem a lot bigger than it actually is.
Speaker 1: Society is also not fully accepted the timeline that is
Speaker 1: becoming more and more common in which people stay single
Speaker 1: for much longer, or they adopt the kind of life
Speaker 1: in which you know you can be happy alone. There
Speaker 1: is still this overarching philosophy of you know, who are
Speaker 1: you if you're not in love, who are you? If
Speaker 1: you're not in a relationship, you are still half a person.
Speaker 1: And it's that kind of culture of shaming and of
Speaker 1: stereotypes and perhaps of stigma that plays on our more
Speaker 1: evolutionary fear of isolation. Where this is seen a lot
Speaker 1: and felt a lot is around things like language. You know,
Speaker 1: there are words like spinster and cat lady. That's definitely
Speaker 1: one dimension, but it even goes deeper than that. So
Speaker 1: there's a starter from a survey that was conducted by
Speaker 1: the dating service match back in twenty nineteen, and it
Speaker 1: showed that fifty two percent of single people that they
Speaker 1: surveyed in the UK had experienced single shaming in conversations
Speaker 1: and in the language that was used to approach their
Speaker 1: relationship status. And so when researchers kind of dug into
Speaker 1: this and they were like, what do you mean by language,
Speaker 1: they talked about these shaming phrases. A lot of people,
Speaker 1: a lot of these single people had heard things like
Speaker 1: you'll find someone better soon. Twenty nine percent said they'd
Speaker 1: heard or how to experienced people suggesting that they must
Speaker 1: be really lonely. Thirty eight percent of them just reported
Speaker 1: a general level of pity in conversations over their relationship status,
Speaker 1: and this led to many of them to report having
Speaker 1: an increased sense of urgency even panic to find someone,
Speaker 1: when actually about fifty five percent of them were pretty
Speaker 1: happy with their relationship status, and they were pretty happy
Speaker 1: with it until an outside force came in and disturbed
Speaker 1: that piece. This language, you know, these shaming phrases of
Speaker 1: you'll find someone soon, you must be so lonely, are
Speaker 1: you dating at the moment, or you're not that such
Speaker 1: a shame. It implicitly assumes that everybody's goal is to
Speaker 1: find love and the fact that you haven't assumes that
Speaker 1: something is wrong with you either a you must be
Speaker 1: lonely or defective, which is not true. You know, most
Speaker 1: research shows that single people actually have equally rich and
Speaker 1: fulfilled lives as non single people. Or they assume that
Speaker 1: you are unable to commit, that you were wired the
Speaker 1: wrong way, you were wired away from partnership. And for men,
Speaker 1: they're perhaps given a bit more of a free pass
Speaker 1: when it comes to that to be uncommitted and to
Speaker 1: be running around, for women not so much. And again,
Speaker 1: it's not true that you are unable to commit or
Speaker 1: that you have some kind of abandonment problem or whatever
Speaker 1: it is. It's more likely that you're just not willing
Speaker 1: to commit to the wrong person, and that should be
Speaker 1: totally normalized. But because it is always about partnership before
Speaker 1: you as a person, there is still a level of
Speaker 1: shame and these false beliefs around who you must be
Speaker 1: if you're not prioritizing dating in a relationship in your twenties,
Speaker 1: or just in your life in general. All in all,
Speaker 1: I think these assumptions the slanguge. It displays the lives
Speaker 1: of single people as being less rich, and I am
Speaker 1: like a huge fan of a lot of accounts and
Speaker 1: Instagram accounts that are pushing down the stereotype. But even
Speaker 1: if you truly believe in the sacred nature and the
Speaker 1: benefits of being single, even if you are really really
Speaker 1: happy where you are right now, I think the older
Speaker 1: we get, it's also natural for a bit more fear
Speaker 1: to creep in. And sometimes this comes down to another factor,
Speaker 1: which is social comparison, and even deeper than that, the
Speaker 1: fear of missing out on what everybody else seems to
Speaker 1: be having and seems to be enjoying. I think this
Speaker 1: is especially the case when you haven't dated or been
Speaker 1: in love before seeing how much people really enjoy the experience,
Speaker 1: or when you're kind of getting to a stage where
Speaker 1: people are moving in together, people are getting married, they're
Speaker 1: having kids, maybe you see a life that you may want.
Speaker 1: At some stage, you see your friends kind of outgrowing
Speaker 1: perhaps the life stage that you were all previously in,
Speaker 1: and it's really difficult and stressful, and the only way
Speaker 1: to discrib it is a fear of missing out. It's
Speaker 1: also what psychologists may call a sense of ambiguous loss,
Speaker 1: feeling like you've lost something or you are grieving a
Speaker 1: life that you are yet to have, despite being really
Speaker 1: happy with the one that you do have. So because
Speaker 1: of these two conflicting truths, you know, I'm happy where
Speaker 1: I am, but I also feel a sense of I
Speaker 1: don't know, desire or jealousy, or a sense of panic.
Speaker 1: You are unable to really find a home or a
Speaker 1: place for these emotions. You feel constantly like there's a
Speaker 1: tug of war in your heart between you know, staying
Speaker 1: single and doing what everyone around you is telling you
Speaker 1: to do. This creates dissonance. Basically, dissonance is just another
Speaker 1: word for being uncomfortable, and we don't like being uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: So we look for a way to lessen that discomfort,
Speaker 1: and often a relationship is the band aid, right, It's
Speaker 1: a great way to do that all our problems or
Speaker 1: our fears are solved. This isn't all for the best, though.
Speaker 1: I feel like that is such an obvious statement, but
Speaker 1: let me just make it. What actually happens is that
Speaker 1: when we have this fixation, this focus on the life
Speaker 1: that will emerge if we stay single for too long,
Speaker 1: we end up being ruled by fear. We end up
Speaker 1: being ruled by hypotheticals and catastrophizing that hasn't even happened yet,
Speaker 1: that may not even happen. When a fear or an
Speaker 1: anxiety towards this potential future is the only thing that
Speaker 1: we feel, our behavior becomes driven by that fear, and
Speaker 1: that behavior is protective. It truly is because I you know,
Speaker 1: our brain, I guess our higher conscious, our ego wants
Speaker 1: to protect our future self from what it sees as
Speaker 1: a harmful outcome. And a harmful outcome, you know, based
Speaker 1: on biology, based on this weird evolutionary drive, but also
Speaker 1: based on what society is telling you as the norm.
Speaker 1: This fear can firsely cause us to be less selective.
Speaker 1: So there was an article published about four years ago
Speaker 1: and the title is the predictive effects of fear of
Speaker 1: being single on physical attractiveness and less selective partner selection.
Speaker 1: Long title, I know, but look it up if you
Speaker 1: want to, if you can. Basically, what the researchers wanted
Speaker 1: to know is, Okay, the more desperate you become, do
Speaker 1: you lower your standards? And I don't like the word desperate.
Speaker 1: I hate that word. But you know, the more fearful
Speaker 1: of our future status as a single person, the fearful
Speaker 1: of that we are, do we become less selective. I
Speaker 1: will take a direct quote from this paper because I
Speaker 1: think it really solidifies this point for both men and women.
Speaker 1: A stronger fear of being single predicted greater romantic interest
Speaker 1: in dating prospects who were less responsive and less physically attractive.
Speaker 1: Once in a relationship, there was a lower likelihood of
Speaker 1: initiating breakups with dissatisfying partners. So what does that actually mean.
Speaker 1: It means that, firstly, when we are really scared of
Speaker 1: being single, and we are scared of that hypothe medical
Speaker 1: above all else, we end up choosing people that first
Speaker 1: we don't even like us back or who we don't
Speaker 1: even find attractive. But once we are in that relationship,
Speaker 1: even when we realize it's not for us, we stay
Speaker 1: because being with the wrong person is less scary than
Speaker 1: being alone. This can also mean that, you know, not
Speaker 1: only are we less selective, we also undervalue ourselves. We
Speaker 1: undervalue what it is that we can bring to the table,
Speaker 1: and so we let people perhaps, and I don't like saying,
Speaker 1: let we perhaps experience circumstances where people are treating us
Speaker 1: not as well as they should, and they know that,
Speaker 1: and we know that because we kind of feel like
Speaker 1: we are forced to endure bad behavior or else encounter
Speaker 1: an even worse fear for ourselves. And that is again
Speaker 1: the fear of being alone. It also ties our self
Speaker 1: esteem to our romantic or physical value. So what I
Speaker 1: mean by that is basically, when we begin to perhaps
Speaker 1: buy into this belief that if you are alone, that
Speaker 1: therefore says something about how attractive you are, how valuable
Speaker 1: you are, how desirable you are, how confident, how successful
Speaker 1: you are the only way in your mind to make
Speaker 1: people not believe that about you, that you are unattractive,
Speaker 1: that you are undesirable, that you are not successful, or
Speaker 1: not intelligent is to find a partner. And when our
Speaker 1: self esteem is tied to our relationship status, that is
Speaker 1: not a very sustainable bond. That is not a very
Speaker 1: sustainable relationship to maintain because it bobs up and down
Speaker 1: based on whether you are single or taken. And it
Speaker 1: means that everything about who we are, our authenticity, our
Speaker 1: confidence levels become tied to this very small part of
Speaker 1: our life, which is a label, which is an exclusive label.
Speaker 1: We also put a lot of pressure on everyone that
Speaker 1: we meet, even when they give us a whole lot
Speaker 1: of signs that they may not even be reciprocating what
Speaker 1: we're putting down. Perhaps we're kind of blind to it
Speaker 1: because we see a spark and we just chase it.
Speaker 1: And again, it's very much like an all or nothing approach,
Speaker 1: like this relationship is what I need to be happy,
Speaker 1: it's what I need to feel good, it's what I
Speaker 1: need to impress other people, and it's what I need
Speaker 1: to finally feel maybe complete. And I was speaking to
Speaker 1: a friend about this who was single for twenty six
Speaker 1: years before she met someone, and I was asking her
Speaker 1: about it. I was like, you know, think back to
Speaker 1: that time when you were dating, what did it mean
Speaker 1: to you that that status of being single for that
Speaker 1: long did it actually change how you approach situations? And
Speaker 1: she was like, yes, absolutely, she was like everybody she met,
Speaker 1: everybody she encountered, she immediately ran this like series of
Speaker 1: series of situations in her head in which they could
Speaker 1: be the one. Her mind immediately went to the most
Speaker 1: far off conclusions, like they would do one nice thing
Speaker 1: for her that meant that, you know, that was her husband,
Speaker 1: that was her future partner, because you know, it was
Speaker 1: just always on her mind. She was always thinking about it.
Speaker 1: She was always hoping for it in every situation and
Speaker 1: every circumstance, and she didn't care who it was with.
Speaker 1: And what she was saying to me was that it
Speaker 1: was really frustrating because she kind of wanted her heart
Speaker 1: to slow down so her brain could catch up and
Speaker 1: her brain could be rational without getting caught up in
Speaker 1: really intense feelings that ended up shutting down a lot
Speaker 1: of that logic. You know. She was like, Oh, I
Speaker 1: would meet these people and we would literally go on
Speaker 1: one day and there was nothing that you could say
Speaker 1: to convince me that they weren't the one, and so
Speaker 1: I began treating them like that before they'd even showed
Speaker 1: an interest in me, and she was like, I just
Speaker 1: kept getting my heart broken without ever actually being in
Speaker 1: anything serious, without ever even feeling like I'd done the
Speaker 1: relationship thing. So I think that really comes down to
Speaker 1: a sense of scarcity and a sense that we better
Speaker 1: like getting quick, We better find someone to commit to
Speaker 1: right now, otherwise all the good ones are going to
Speaker 1: run out. Otherwise we're going to, I don't know, somehow
Speaker 1: run out of time, somehow be left in the dust.
Speaker 1: And the scarcity effect really comes down to when something
Speaker 1: seems more rare to you, such as a relationship, because
Speaker 1: you don't have one, that's suddenly that thing that is
Speaker 1: scarce feels a lot more valuable because not everyone can
Speaker 1: have it because you can't have it. It's basically like
Speaker 1: the grass is always green, and mentality, it's, you know,
Speaker 1: wanting what you can't have, it's all of those things.
Speaker 1: It's looking at your situation and wanting the one thing
Speaker 1: that you're missing more than you even value the things
Speaker 1: that you do have. That can lead us to a
Speaker 1: pretty dangerous place, as I just described. And I think
Speaker 1: when we encounter that kind of thinking, it's really important
Speaker 1: to remind yourself that it is much better to be
Speaker 1: single than to settle for something else, and blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: I get it. You probably heard that a million times.
Speaker 1: You know that might not change the underlying desire or
Speaker 1: fear or behavior. But let's make it even more mathematic.
Speaker 1: You could settle down and spend the next five to
Speaker 1: ten years in a mediocre relationship that eventually crumbles, meaning
Speaker 1: that you're going to be back to where you are now,
Speaker 1: back at the starting line in ten years time. Or
Speaker 1: you could wait another three to five years, be selective
Speaker 1: and find the one You could find the soul mate.
Speaker 1: You could spend the rest of your lives together, or
Speaker 1: you could have neither option, and you could, yeah, maybe
Speaker 1: be alone for the rest of your life and maybe
Speaker 1: be really really happy, perhaps be the happiest version of
Speaker 1: yourself that you were ever going to be. The secret
Speaker 1: to living and fulfilling life is not as simple as
Speaker 1: a relationship status. I think that's the one thing that
Speaker 1: I really want us to remember. There is this weird
Speaker 1: fear that is implanted in us that we are on
Speaker 1: this timeline, and this timeline involves curing a relationship, and
Speaker 1: that if you don't have it there's something wrong with you.
Speaker 1: Your life isn't going to be as good. That is
Speaker 1: fear mongering. That is fear mongering that we eventually adopt
Speaker 1: ourselves because it's really hard not to. So how do
Speaker 1: we really fully embrace our power? I guess is I
Speaker 1: would like to say, intentionally single people, how do we
Speaker 1: have patience? How do we also make our lives as
Speaker 1: rich as they possibly can before we get back out there,
Speaker 1: before we find someone who is going to match that? Well?
Speaker 1: I have some tips for you, some advice and some
Speaker 1: psychology after this short break, so stay with us. How
Speaker 1: can we still recognize that a relationship is part of
Speaker 1: our timeline. It's okay to want love. It's okay to
Speaker 1: desire that as part of your future, but not get
Speaker 1: bogged down by the fear of being alone and let
Speaker 1: it influence us to make rash decisions. Because it's okay
Speaker 1: to say, like, yes, a big part of my life
Speaker 1: plan and something that I want for my future is
Speaker 1: to find someone, and is to love them and build
Speaker 1: a family or a business or a house or a life,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. We just don't want that to be
Speaker 1: our goal above everything else and feel like we can't
Speaker 1: start living till we've secured it. I think it's about
Speaker 1: pursuing an authentic, well lived life that a relationship could
Speaker 1: only benefit, but not complete. So my first tip around
Speaker 1: kind of countering this fear of being alone, it revolves
Speaker 1: around continuing to make yourself an interesting person, find yourself interesting,
Speaker 1: find your life interesting, regardless of what's happening when it
Speaker 1: comes to your romantic life. And I think in this way,
Speaker 1: not only does it help us stay secure that we
Speaker 1: are a really cool person. This will come in time,
Speaker 1: but I think that authenticity in itself actually inevitably and
Speaker 1: eventually attracts the love that we want so badly, but
Speaker 1: in a healthy form and on its own timeline. Work
Speaker 1: on making yourself an interesting person and in the process
Speaker 1: creating a life that you absolutely fucking love that anyone
Speaker 1: who walks to the door is going to have to
Speaker 1: compete with. They are going to have to compete with
Speaker 1: your dream life before they are let in. And that
Speaker 1: is a really hard bar to get over, and it
Speaker 1: means that you are more selective. It means that you
Speaker 1: also just enjoy your time as a single individual without
Speaker 1: seeing it as a waiting period, without seeing it as
Speaker 1: like you being on the sidelines, or you being on
Speaker 1: the bench before you know your life truly starts. That
Speaker 1: authentic well lived life to me, involves having things that
Speaker 1: keep you busy whilst giving you purpose, having things that
Speaker 1: make you feel aligned with yourself, actually exploring who you are.
Speaker 1: It is so so rare that we have time in
Speaker 1: our life to actually think about what we want to
Speaker 1: think about what you want from yourself right now and
Speaker 1: from your future, to think about your identity and who
Speaker 1: you really are. I really implore you to think about this.
Speaker 1: When was the last time you really thought about those things?
Speaker 1: When was the last time you really thought about? What
Speaker 1: kind of person do I want to be? What kind
Speaker 1: of life do I want to live? How am I
Speaker 1: going to work on myself? Am I really happy right now?
Speaker 1: I think that's one of the gifts about being single,
Speaker 1: is that it does allow for that really intense and
Speaker 1: beneficial and significant self focus. Another element of that authentic
Speaker 1: well lived life also means having an active and engage life,
Speaker 1: having hobbies and people you see in those spaces, that
Speaker 1: casual social interaction that is such an antidote to the
Speaker 1: loneliness we sometimes feel more single. There's no shame around it.
Speaker 1: It is something that we experience. And also taking opportunities
Speaker 1: that you might only have while single, you know, being
Speaker 1: able to date freely and openly without looking for commitment,
Speaker 1: being able to drop what you're doing and go and explore,
Speaker 1: and not having to you know, really think about someone
Speaker 1: and really count them into your plans. That is something
Speaker 1: that we don't talk about. En me get into a
Speaker 1: relationship like it's another person to think about, and sometimes
Speaker 1: it's nice to just have to think about yourself. And also,
Speaker 1: like I said before, ensuring that when the time comes
Speaker 1: when they're you know, someone does come into your life,
Speaker 1: because no one goes through life without ever meeting somebody
Speaker 1: who could potentially really match them and be the person
Speaker 1: for them. Knowing that you are going to still be
Speaker 1: in control of your fate. You are still the master
Speaker 1: of your own fate, and you still get to be
Speaker 1: the one calling the shots around. Does this actually benefit
Speaker 1: my life? Am I being selective enough? Or does it
Speaker 1: feel like there is a whole that I couldn't feel myself?
Speaker 1: And That's why I'm pursuing this relationship. When we feel
Speaker 1: strong as an individual, we are able to bring that
Speaker 1: part of ourself, bring that soa bring that identity to
Speaker 1: dating in a way that is more selective, more mature,
Speaker 1: I also think, more fruitful. And here's the added benefit.
Speaker 1: Authenticity makes you attractive. It makes you so much more
Speaker 1: attractive through its influence on our sense of self confidence.
Speaker 1: If you know yourself and you know yourself well, you're
Speaker 1: not going to let the opinions of somebody else or
Speaker 1: their approval or rejection of you, get in the way
Speaker 1: of just being yourself, and you exude that kind of
Speaker 1: confident elixa that we are all after. If you want
Speaker 1: some evidence of this, you can check out a research
Speaker 1: paper that was published in twenty fifteen by the Journal
Speaker 1: of Personality and Social Psychology. I have quoted this study
Speaker 1: so many times on the podcast because it is probably
Speaker 1: one of my favorites. But in this research, these researchers
Speaker 1: looked at a series of dating scenarios between two people
Speaker 1: in a lab and they found that confidence was actually
Speaker 1: one of the strongest predictors of romantic attractiveness, and confidence
Speaker 1: we cannot have it without a set of authenticity. One
Speaker 1: of the reasons that it's so attractive is that a
Speaker 1: lot of the things we want in a partner are
Speaker 1: really difficult to observe upon first meeting them, right, things
Speaker 1: like competence, things like drive, things like kindness, things like intelligence.
Speaker 1: You know, you only really get kind of a peek
Speaker 1: at whether somebody has all those things upon a first impression.
Speaker 1: But if that person shows up and is confident, we
Speaker 1: kind of believe that they know themselves right. We believe
Speaker 1: that they have a reason for being confident, and that
Speaker 1: this reflects the actual value as a partner, so we
Speaker 1: feel really into them. Another explanation. Confidence creates a real
Speaker 1: aura that draws people in. I'm sure you've had that
Speaker 1: experience where you've met somebody, perhaps not even somebody that
Speaker 1: you're like romantically into, just like someone and you've just
Speaker 1: been like, Wow, I want to be around you. You
Speaker 1: make me feel warm, you make me feel see, you
Speaker 1: are like this bright light. And I think what that
Speaker 1: comes down to is that a lot of us do
Speaker 1: lack self esteem, and so we are really intrigued by
Speaker 1: people who seemingly don't. We want to learn from these people,
Speaker 1: We want to maybe have that energy rub off on them.
Speaker 1: And if you take time to really build that in yourself,
Speaker 1: I think it's just a win win scenario. You attract
Speaker 1: better people and you are more discerning of those people
Speaker 1: as well. Another I think benefit of choosing to be
Speaker 1: very authentically aligned with yourself in a way that is
Speaker 1: not reliant on your relationship status is that it helps
Speaker 1: you dispurse a lot of those false beliefs that society
Speaker 1: would have us believe about single people. And as we
Speaker 1: said before, it's those false beliefs that contribute to this
Speaker 1: fear of being alone. If I'm single, you know I
Speaker 1: must be unattractive, I must be boring, I must be unworthy,
Speaker 1: I must be lonely. That is what so much of
Speaker 1: the information we're picking up from society would lead you
Speaker 1: to believe, and that is what makes us feel like
Speaker 1: a partner is the only answer to making ourselves feel
Speaker 1: more worthy and being a full complete person. You could
Speaker 1: try that narrative. You could trust that society or rhetoric
Speaker 1: and that society or vision, or you could trust your
Speaker 1: own reality, which is that you are thriving, You were purposeful,
Speaker 1: you are busy, and you know yourself better than most
Speaker 1: people ever will. When you are confident in yourself, you
Speaker 1: are able to look at those beliefs that might be
Speaker 1: creating fear within you and creating poor decision making and say, actually,
Speaker 1: I don't think that that's true, because I know myself
Speaker 1: better than what this outdated narrative is trying to tell me.
Speaker 1: The thing that really helped me when I was single
Speaker 1: was looking at people who were still single at thirty
Speaker 1: or forty or sixty and had really vibrant lives, because
Speaker 1: I feel like the examples we are so often given
Speaker 1: of happiness as we age is the happiness that we
Speaker 1: get from big milestones that are associated with a partner,
Speaker 1: you know, marriage, moving in together, having children together, vacations together.
Speaker 1: It feels like, past thirty five, a lot of the
Speaker 1: significant moments in our life need to be with somebody else.
Speaker 1: And when we counteract that with the examples of people
Speaker 1: who are still showing us that they are fulfilled and
Speaker 1: happy despite going against the blueprint, we are able to really,
Speaker 1: I think, dispose of that, dispose of that belief system,
Speaker 1: and dispose of that construct. Somebody they always used to
Speaker 1: think of was Emma Watson, and she did an interview
Speaker 1: a few years ago where she like publicly described herself
Speaker 1: as self partnered. That is a concept that I love.
Speaker 1: It's like, I'm not single, I'm self partnered. I'm like
Speaker 1: consciously dating myself, and she really like encouraged other people
Speaker 1: to view their own I don't want to say lack
Speaker 1: of a romantic partner, but their singlehood as a positive,
Speaker 1: not a negative. Nearly like forty percent of adults in
Speaker 1: the US don't have a partner. About half of those
Speaker 1: people even express that they weren't even interested in according
Speaker 1: to this research by the Pew Research Center. And I
Speaker 1: think that that is something that if you only listen
Speaker 1: to what the media said, if you only saw examples
Speaker 1: online or in movies, or in the news or in
Speaker 1: opinion pieces, you would believe that that is not the case.
Speaker 1: You would believe that it's the opposite that most people
Speaker 1: are in relationships. Most people are happier in relationships. But
Speaker 1: in this example that they gave in this research, they
Speaker 1: talk about this woman, Bella de Paulo. She is a
Speaker 1: famously single person. She's sixty nine years old, she's never
Speaker 1: been in a relationship, and she describes her solo life
Speaker 1: as authentic, as fulfilling, as meaningful, as psychologically rich. That
Speaker 1: is the opposite of what the world would like to
Speaker 1: tell us about single people in order to fear monger.
Speaker 1: And I think once again those examples wherever you see
Speaker 1: them in the world, they are really powerful because they
Speaker 1: get rid of the doom and gloom that fuels fear. Finally,
Speaker 1: I think it's so important that if you are somebody
Speaker 1: who is such a lover, who really just wants someone
Speaker 1: to pour all of that brightness and life and energy
Speaker 1: and passion and compassion into remember that platonic love is
Speaker 1: just as important. Just having a partner is so lonely,
Speaker 1: and I've seen that amongst people in my own life
Speaker 1: who deprioritized friendship once they had achieved that relationship status
Speaker 1: that they wanted, and they are very, very lonely people. Because,
Speaker 1: as we said before, that social pain that we feel
Speaker 1: when we are isolated is real. It's tangible, and it hurts.
Speaker 1: And so it's really important that if you are somebody
Speaker 1: who is a lover, is a giver, you find a
Speaker 1: way to still tap into that part of you, either
Speaker 1: by showing that love to yourself or really fostering those
Speaker 1: connections that are going to sometimes last so much longer
Speaker 1: than a love connection than a romantic relationship. Just because
Speaker 1: you are single, you are not alone. There are so
Speaker 1: many single people in their twenties there are so many
Speaker 1: single people at any age, and it's not like every
Speaker 1: single one of them is miserable and hidden away and isolated.
Speaker 1: They have family, they have friends, they have people that
Speaker 1: they admire. I think our fear of being alone often
Speaker 1: occurs when we aren't given that vision of what life
Speaker 1: could be like as an unpartnered person, when there is
Speaker 1: a very shallow and false, false story about the unhappiness
Speaker 1: levels of people who are alone, of people who have
Speaker 1: never met the one. So, finally, I want to wrap
Speaker 1: this up and just conclude by saying, it's okay to
Speaker 1: want love, but don't let the pursuit of love dim
Speaker 1: you down. You are still young, you still have time.
Speaker 1: You will find the right person that is what you
Speaker 1: are after, but don't wait for your life to start
Speaker 1: until then. The fear of being alone is a very
Speaker 1: very deeply rooted one. It is an instinctual one, it
Speaker 1: is a primal one. But it's also one that is
Speaker 1: stoked by a lot of unnecessary stories and pictures and
Speaker 1: narratives pushed by our society. So take your time. It's
Speaker 1: all right to just like really enjoy being self partnered
Speaker 1: and exploring yourself. And if you fear being alone forever.
Speaker 1: Just know that there are people who your worst fear
Speaker 1: is their reality, and I'm sure they would sit you
Speaker 1: down and say it's really not that bad. I promise
Speaker 1: you it's not that bad. I promise you that there
Speaker 1: is a lot about this that was a choice that
Speaker 1: I made the same way that you will be able
Speaker 1: to make choices, and you'll be able to create a
Speaker 1: life that you want, regardless of weather dating right now
Speaker 1: feels out of your control, regardless of whether you feel
Speaker 1: very fixated on love right now, it is not the
Speaker 1: end of your life to not find love. So thank
Speaker 1: you so much for listening. This was a bit of
Speaker 1: a pep talk, and I want to just extend a
Speaker 1: lot of empathy and a lot of strength and a
Speaker 1: lot of love to you for what you're going through.
Speaker 1: You do have time. I promise you. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: give you those like bullshit phrases of like it happens
Speaker 1: when you least expect it, because I just don't think
Speaker 1: that is very helpful, and sometimes it's not true. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it happens when you are like when you most expect it,
Speaker 1: because you are at your most authentic and at your
Speaker 1: most confident and whilst you wait for that, build those
Speaker 1: things up. They are a tool, they are a skill.
Speaker 1: They are a part of you that never goes away,
Speaker 1: that never expires, that can never be dimmed. So thank
Speaker 1: you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode,
Speaker 1: please feel free to leave a five star review on
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you are listening right now. Make
Speaker 1: sure you're following along or send this episode to a
Speaker 1: friend if you think that they would enjoy it. If
Speaker 1: you have any further thought, if you have an episode suggestion,
Speaker 1: I love hearing from you, you can follow me at
Speaker 1: that psychology podcast or at jemispeg. Come and join the community,
Speaker 1: come and say hi, and until next week, make sure
Speaker 1: that you are safe. You are kind above all else,
Speaker 1: you are gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon