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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode as we, of

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Speaker 1: course break down the Psychology of our twenties. I'm so

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Speaker 1: glad that you're here. I'm really excited for this episode

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Speaker 1: because it is something that comes up so much on

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Speaker 1: the podcast and is such a deeply hidden fear for

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Speaker 1: so many of us. One of the things I hear

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Speaker 1: so often from twenty somethings from people beyond that age,

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Speaker 1: people in their thirties, is this fear of ending up

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Speaker 1: alone and never finding the one. I hear it from

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Speaker 1: people who have never dated before and feel very inexperienced

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Speaker 1: and behind when it comes to those romantic situations and

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Speaker 1: hitting those romantic milestones that everybody around them seems to

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Speaker 1: have already met, and you know, they find it really

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Speaker 1: hard to imagine that they'll find love because they've never

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Speaker 1: experienced it before. I also hear from people who have

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Speaker 1: been in long term relationships for years and years and

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Speaker 1: they've broken up with their partners, perhaps the person that

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Speaker 1: they thought they were going to marry, and they wonder,

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Speaker 1: they wonder that they've missed their chance to grow up

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Speaker 1: with somebody, and whether they will ever find anyone better.

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Speaker 1: It is such a common dilemma, one that I think

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Speaker 1: really unites us, not just as twenty somethings, but as people,

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Speaker 1: as human beings. I don't want to be alone. I

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Speaker 1: want love. I want someone to share my life with,

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Speaker 1: and it's not bad to admit that, or to assume

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Speaker 1: that just because you have this deep desire to maybe

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Speaker 1: eventually find somebody, you can't also be happy as a

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Speaker 1: single person. You can be so self aware and content

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Speaker 1: and fulfilled and still want someone to add to your

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Speaker 1: life without giving up everything that makes you independent already.

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Speaker 1: But I also think in many ways we have been

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Speaker 1: conditioned to see singlehood as this curse, as something that

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Speaker 1: everybody wants to avoid, and that really fosters a fear

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Speaker 1: of being alone and a fear of ending up alone,

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Speaker 1: when really I don't think that that's the worst thing

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Speaker 1: that could happen to us. This episode was really inspired

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Speaker 1: by someone who contributed to our twenty something Diary series

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Speaker 1: on Instagram. If you follow us on Instagram, you will

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Speaker 1: know that once a week we basically talk to someone

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Speaker 1: anonymously who is in their twenties somewhere in the world,

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Speaker 1: and we ask them, what are you worried about? How

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Speaker 1: much you haven savings, what do you want to change

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Speaker 1: in the next five years? And we have this person

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Speaker 1: from Perth and Australia right in and talk about how

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Speaker 1: the thing that she is most worried about is ending

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Speaker 1: up alone. And during this day in a Life that

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Speaker 1: she gave us, she was going on a date and

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Speaker 1: she kind of spoke about how she was in this

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Speaker 1: relationship for most of her late ten years and early twenties,

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Speaker 1: suddenly found herself single and had been single much longer

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Speaker 1: than she expected, and with each passing year it just

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Speaker 1: felt like more and more people were finding the one.

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Speaker 1: We're getting into these relationships and there were no good

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Speaker 1: people left. There was nobody left that would fulfill her

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Speaker 1: or be her partner, and it just kind of felt

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Speaker 1: like a race, like a race to find someone before

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Speaker 1: she turned thirty. And when I posted that and we

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Speaker 1: spoke about it, so many of you could relate. So

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Speaker 1: many of you were listening and reading her account of

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Speaker 1: situationship after situationship with no future and no exclusivity and

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Speaker 1: really seeing yourself reflected back at you. I think at

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Speaker 1: the root of what this person was talking about, what

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Speaker 1: we're talking about today, is a completely natural fear of loneliness,

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Speaker 1: a fear of missing out, a fear of falling behind,

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Speaker 1: a fear of judgment, of uncertainty, like you know, who

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Speaker 1: am I going to have when I'm old and gray?

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Speaker 1: And of course social pressure, and how so many of

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Speaker 1: the cultural narratives we experience and we're exposed to seem

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Speaker 1: to innately tie our self worth and our identity to

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Speaker 1: a relationship status, like having a partner, you know, finally

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Speaker 1: means that you are desirable and valuable, And if you

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Speaker 1: don't have a partner, that is a personal failure. There

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Speaker 1: is something about you that is lacking. It is such

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Speaker 1: a labyrinth. I don't feel like I don't need to

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Speaker 1: tell you that if you're experiencing it right now, And

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Speaker 1: it can be pretty emotionally draining when you've been dating

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Speaker 1: with no luck, no end in sight, when you want

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Speaker 1: to deprioritize dating and actually be happy alone. But it

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Speaker 1: feels like there is this little voice of your head

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Speaker 1: being like you're running out of time. You're running out

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Speaker 1: of time. So today let us talk about it. We're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about this very innate and psychological fear

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Speaker 1: of ending up alone, where it comes from, what kind

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Speaker 1: of people it turns us into, how it influences our

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Speaker 1: dating habits as well, and how it is possible for

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Speaker 1: us to really hold too truth at once. I want love,

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Speaker 1: but love is not my only purpose. I can be

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Speaker 1: happy alone and still want a relationship without letting it

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Speaker 1: sabotage my individuality. How exactly do we sit with our

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Speaker 1: fear without letting it control us or making us very

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Speaker 1: deeply unhappy and stressed, as it so often does. Well,

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Speaker 1: let's trap in. We have so much show unpack, so

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Speaker 1: much to talk about today, and surprisingly, perhaps not surprisingly

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Speaker 1: if you are a long term listener, a whole lot

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Speaker 1: of science and psychology to explain what it is you

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Speaker 1: may be feeling. So without further ado, let's get into it.

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Speaker 1: Our fear of being alone is a lot more complex

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Speaker 1: than just that just simply being alone. It really taps

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Speaker 1: into our very core and I would say primal fears

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Speaker 1: of firstly rejection and secondly isolation, two things that we

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Speaker 1: have been hardwired for millions of years. Millions of years

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Speaker 1: of evolution have taught us to avoid those two specific

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Speaker 1: feelings and experiences. As humans, we really thrive on being seen,

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Speaker 1: being loved, being surrounded by community, and it has built

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Speaker 1: us to really want connection wherever we can find it,

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Speaker 1: and to build trust, build something bigger that feels meaningful

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Speaker 1: and safe around those connections. That is what ensured our

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Speaker 1: survival long long ago. When we don't have that, especially

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Speaker 1: when it comes to a romantic love and we've been

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Speaker 1: single for some time or we've never dated, when we've

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Speaker 1: maybe been rejected far too many times than we would

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Speaker 1: like to acknowledge. This elicits a very distinct kind of

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Speaker 1: feeling known as social pain. So social pain occurs when

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Speaker 1: we feel isolated, we feel excluded, rejected, cut off, and

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Speaker 1: it may sound like it's less serious than physical pain,

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Speaker 1: but actually neuroscientists back in twenty fourteen in Italy found

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Speaker 1: that when they were studying the brain regions that lit

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Speaker 1: up when we were experiencing rejection versus physical pain, it

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Speaker 1: was the exact same region that was processing those distinct

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Speaker 1: kinds of discomfort and pain. So this area, this brain

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Speaker 1: region is called the posterior insular cortex for those of

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Speaker 1: you interested, and that is what we used to think

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Speaker 1: as our pain receptor and our pain receptor in terms

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Speaker 1: of you know, we kick our foot or like bump

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Speaker 1: our toe, or we cut our finger, and that's where

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Speaker 1: physical pain is processed. And that is the only role

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Speaker 1: of that area. Here's a brief life and about pain.

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Speaker 1: Though pain is constructed entirely by our brain and by

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Speaker 1: our neurons that are responding to some environmental stimuli or cue.

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Speaker 1: You know, if you bump your knee, you'll be like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: my knee hurts, but it's actually your brain that is

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Speaker 1: creating that painful experience for you. And the same goes

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Speaker 1: for social pain, and that social pain when we get rejected,

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Speaker 1: when we feel lost, lonely, when we feel unworthy of love,

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Speaker 1: is happening in that same cortex area, the posterior insular cortex.

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Speaker 1: If you have been you know, single for some time

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Speaker 1: and you recently went on yet another date that was

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Speaker 1: a dud, or you feel disconnected from all your friends

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Speaker 1: who are in relationships who just aren't making the time

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Speaker 1: for you that they used to. That is a painful experience,

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Speaker 1: and it is felt as intensely as physical pain. It

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Speaker 1: is processed, created, constructed, felt by the exact same region.

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Speaker 1: So I really don't want you to be sitting there

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Speaker 1: being like, oh my god, I'm just making way too

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Speaker 1: much of this situation. I don't want you to be

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Speaker 1: shaming yourself for this experience, feeling like you are over reacting,

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Speaker 1: feeling like it's not as intense as you feel it is.

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Speaker 1: Because the science is telling us the you know, research

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Speaker 1: is telling us that actually know, it is very equal

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Speaker 1: to what might be a much more valid physical experience

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Speaker 1: of pain, or what society would like to tell us

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Speaker 1: as a valid painful experience. So we have a natural

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Speaker 1: drive to want to find someone. We are both motivated

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Speaker 1: by the comfort of finding someone and the discomfort of

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Speaker 1: the social pain that we tend to experience. We are

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Speaker 1: hardwired to avoid these scary feelings of isolation and rejection. However,

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Speaker 1: the thing is is that so often, just because we

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Speaker 1: are single, we aren't actually fully alone. We are surrounded

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Speaker 1: by people, surrounded by friends and family. We do have communities.

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Speaker 1: So it's interesting because Surely this experience of isolation shouldn't

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Speaker 1: sting as much as we think. It's not like we're

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Speaker 1: stranded in like the wilderness and a boyfriend or a

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Speaker 1: girlfriend would be our only chance for connection. We actually

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Speaker 1: have plenty of chances for connection. It's interesting because what

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Speaker 1: we are lacking is not an entire support system. We

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Speaker 1: are just lacking a mate or a partner. And why

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Speaker 1: is it that despite having all of those connections, we

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Speaker 1: still feel this social pain so intensely. If you want

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Speaker 1: to identify white people fear and feel this fear so

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Speaker 1: intensely even when they have, you know, platonic and familial

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Speaker 1: relationships around them, you have to also examine the cultural

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Speaker 1: environment that we are in. It is very hard to

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Speaker 1: feel shame or embarrassment or even fear about something if

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Speaker 1: somebody hasn't told you in the first place that there

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Speaker 1: is something wrong with what you are doing, or that

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Speaker 1: there is something wrong with your reality, or someone hasn't

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Speaker 1: scared you with some awful future hypothetical of being miserable

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Speaker 1: and regretful and lonely at fifty. Our fear of being

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Speaker 1: alone is also partially derived from our environment, say about

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Speaker 1: twenty percent of it might be biology and evolution. The

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Speaker 1: rest of it, the eighty percent that is left over,

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Speaker 1: is societal. It is cultural. It is social. If you

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Speaker 1: are single right now, I feel like I don't even

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Speaker 1: need to tell you this, but society really does prioritize

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Speaker 1: partnership and it puts romantic love on a pedestal. A

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Speaker 1: relationship is like this golden prize, and it's made to

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Speaker 1: seem so wonderful. People write poetry and love songs and

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Speaker 1: create works of art about love. They spend hundreds of

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Speaker 1: thousands of dollars to show their love for one another

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Speaker 1: through a wedding and lavish gifts and huge grand gestures.

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Speaker 1: You know, people die for love. People survive for love

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Speaker 1: that looks pretty appealing, and if you've never experienced it before,

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Speaker 1: or it's something that you're really longing for, that can

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Speaker 1: be made to seem a lot bigger than it actually is.

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Speaker 1: Society is also not fully accepted the timeline that is

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Speaker 1: becoming more and more common in which people stay single

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Speaker 1: for much longer, or they adopt the kind of life

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Speaker 1: in which you know you can be happy alone. There

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Speaker 1: is still this overarching philosophy of you know, who are

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Speaker 1: you if you're not in love, who are you? If

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Speaker 1: you're not in a relationship, you are still half a person.

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Speaker 1: And it's that kind of culture of shaming and of

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Speaker 1: stereotypes and perhaps of stigma that plays on our more

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Speaker 1: evolutionary fear of isolation. Where this is seen a lot

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Speaker 1: and felt a lot is around things like language. You know,

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Speaker 1: there are words like spinster and cat lady. That's definitely

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Speaker 1: one dimension, but it even goes deeper than that. So

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Speaker 1: there's a starter from a survey that was conducted by

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Speaker 1: the dating service match back in twenty nineteen, and it

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Speaker 1: showed that fifty two percent of single people that they

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Speaker 1: surveyed in the UK had experienced single shaming in conversations

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Speaker 1: and in the language that was used to approach their

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Speaker 1: relationship status. And so when researchers kind of dug into

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Speaker 1: this and they were like, what do you mean by language,

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Speaker 1: they talked about these shaming phrases. A lot of people,

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Speaker 1: a lot of these single people had heard things like

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Speaker 1: you'll find someone better soon. Twenty nine percent said they'd

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Speaker 1: heard or how to experienced people suggesting that they must

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Speaker 1: be really lonely. Thirty eight percent of them just reported

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Speaker 1: a general level of pity in conversations over their relationship status,

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Speaker 1: and this led to many of them to report having

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Speaker 1: an increased sense of urgency even panic to find someone,

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Speaker 1: when actually about fifty five percent of them were pretty

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Speaker 1: happy with their relationship status, and they were pretty happy

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Speaker 1: with it until an outside force came in and disturbed

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Speaker 1: that piece. This language, you know, these shaming phrases of

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Speaker 1: you'll find someone soon, you must be so lonely, are

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Speaker 1: you dating at the moment, or you're not that such

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Speaker 1: a shame. It implicitly assumes that everybody's goal is to

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Speaker 1: find love and the fact that you haven't assumes that

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Speaker 1: something is wrong with you either a you must be

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Speaker 1: lonely or defective, which is not true. You know, most

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Speaker 1: research shows that single people actually have equally rich and

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Speaker 1: fulfilled lives as non single people. Or they assume that

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Speaker 1: you are unable to commit, that you were wired the

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Speaker 1: wrong way, you were wired away from partnership. And for men,

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Speaker 1: they're perhaps given a bit more of a free pass

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Speaker 1: when it comes to that to be uncommitted and to

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Speaker 1: be running around, for women not so much. And again,

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Speaker 1: it's not true that you are unable to commit or

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Speaker 1: that you have some kind of abandonment problem or whatever

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Speaker 1: it is. It's more likely that you're just not willing

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Speaker 1: to commit to the wrong person, and that should be

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Speaker 1: totally normalized. But because it is always about partnership before

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Speaker 1: you as a person, there is still a level of

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Speaker 1: shame and these false beliefs around who you must be

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Speaker 1: if you're not prioritizing dating in a relationship in your twenties,

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Speaker 1: or just in your life in general. All in all,

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Speaker 1: I think these assumptions the slanguge. It displays the lives

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Speaker 1: of single people as being less rich, and I am

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Speaker 1: like a huge fan of a lot of accounts and

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Speaker 1: Instagram accounts that are pushing down the stereotype. But even

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Speaker 1: if you truly believe in the sacred nature and the

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Speaker 1: benefits of being single, even if you are really really

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Speaker 1: happy where you are right now, I think the older

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Speaker 1: we get, it's also natural for a bit more fear

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Speaker 1: to creep in. And sometimes this comes down to another factor,

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Speaker 1: which is social comparison, and even deeper than that, the

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Speaker 1: fear of missing out on what everybody else seems to

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Speaker 1: be having and seems to be enjoying. I think this

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Speaker 1: is especially the case when you haven't dated or been

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Speaker 1: in love before seeing how much people really enjoy the experience,

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Speaker 1: or when you're kind of getting to a stage where

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Speaker 1: people are moving in together, people are getting married, they're

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Speaker 1: having kids, maybe you see a life that you may want.

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Speaker 1: At some stage, you see your friends kind of outgrowing

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Speaker 1: perhaps the life stage that you were all previously in,

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Speaker 1: and it's really difficult and stressful, and the only way

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Speaker 1: to discrib it is a fear of missing out. It's

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Speaker 1: also what psychologists may call a sense of ambiguous loss,

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Speaker 1: feeling like you've lost something or you are grieving a

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Speaker 1: life that you are yet to have, despite being really

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Speaker 1: happy with the one that you do have. So because

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Speaker 1: of these two conflicting truths, you know, I'm happy where

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Speaker 1: I am, but I also feel a sense of I

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Speaker 1: don't know, desire or jealousy, or a sense of panic.

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Speaker 1: You are unable to really find a home or a

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Speaker 1: place for these emotions. You feel constantly like there's a

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Speaker 1: tug of war in your heart between you know, staying

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Speaker 1: single and doing what everyone around you is telling you

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Speaker 1: to do. This creates dissonance. Basically, dissonance is just another

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Speaker 1: word for being uncomfortable, and we don't like being uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: So we look for a way to lessen that discomfort,

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Speaker 1: and often a relationship is the band aid, right, It's

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Speaker 1: a great way to do that all our problems or

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Speaker 1: our fears are solved. This isn't all for the best, though.

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Speaker 1: I feel like that is such an obvious statement, but

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Speaker 1: let me just make it. What actually happens is that

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Speaker 1: when we have this fixation, this focus on the life

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Speaker 1: that will emerge if we stay single for too long,

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Speaker 1: we end up being ruled by fear. We end up

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Speaker 1: being ruled by hypotheticals and catastrophizing that hasn't even happened yet,

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Speaker 1: that may not even happen. When a fear or an

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Speaker 1: anxiety towards this potential future is the only thing that

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Speaker 1: we feel, our behavior becomes driven by that fear, and

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Speaker 1: that behavior is protective. It truly is because I you know,

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Speaker 1: our brain, I guess our higher conscious, our ego wants

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Speaker 1: to protect our future self from what it sees as

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Speaker 1: a harmful outcome. And a harmful outcome, you know, based

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Speaker 1: on biology, based on this weird evolutionary drive, but also

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Speaker 1: based on what society is telling you as the norm.

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Speaker 1: This fear can firsely cause us to be less selective.

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Speaker 1: So there was an article published about four years ago

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Speaker 1: and the title is the predictive effects of fear of

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Speaker 1: being single on physical attractiveness and less selective partner selection.

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Speaker 1: Long title, I know, but look it up if you

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Speaker 1: want to, if you can. Basically, what the researchers wanted

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Speaker 1: to know is, Okay, the more desperate you become, do

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Speaker 1: you lower your standards? And I don't like the word desperate.

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Speaker 1: I hate that word. But you know, the more fearful

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Speaker 1: of our future status as a single person, the fearful

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Speaker 1: of that we are, do we become less selective. I

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Speaker 1: will take a direct quote from this paper because I

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Speaker 1: think it really solidifies this point for both men and women.

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Speaker 1: A stronger fear of being single predicted greater romantic interest

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Speaker 1: in dating prospects who were less responsive and less physically attractive.

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Speaker 1: Once in a relationship, there was a lower likelihood of

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Speaker 1: initiating breakups with dissatisfying partners. So what does that actually mean.

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Speaker 1: It means that, firstly, when we are really scared of

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Speaker 1: being single, and we are scared of that hypothe medical

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Speaker 1: above all else, we end up choosing people that first

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Speaker 1: we don't even like us back or who we don't

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Speaker 1: even find attractive. But once we are in that relationship,

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Speaker 1: even when we realize it's not for us, we stay

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Speaker 1: because being with the wrong person is less scary than

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Speaker 1: being alone. This can also mean that, you know, not

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Speaker 1: only are we less selective, we also undervalue ourselves. We

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Speaker 1: undervalue what it is that we can bring to the table,

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Speaker 1: and so we let people perhaps, and I don't like saying,

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Speaker 1: let we perhaps experience circumstances where people are treating us

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Speaker 1: not as well as they should, and they know that,

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Speaker 1: and we know that because we kind of feel like

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Speaker 1: we are forced to endure bad behavior or else encounter

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Speaker 1: an even worse fear for ourselves. And that is again

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Speaker 1: the fear of being alone. It also ties our self

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Speaker 1: esteem to our romantic or physical value. So what I

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Speaker 1: mean by that is basically, when we begin to perhaps

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Speaker 1: buy into this belief that if you are alone, that

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Speaker 1: therefore says something about how attractive you are, how valuable

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Speaker 1: you are, how desirable you are, how confident, how successful

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Speaker 1: you are the only way in your mind to make

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Speaker 1: people not believe that about you, that you are unattractive,

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Speaker 1: that you are undesirable, that you are not successful, or

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Speaker 1: not intelligent is to find a partner. And when our

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Speaker 1: self esteem is tied to our relationship status, that is

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Speaker 1: not a very sustainable bond. That is not a very

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Speaker 1: sustainable relationship to maintain because it bobs up and down

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Speaker 1: based on whether you are single or taken. And it

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Speaker 1: means that everything about who we are, our authenticity, our

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Speaker 1: confidence levels become tied to this very small part of

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Speaker 1: our life, which is a label, which is an exclusive label.

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Speaker 1: We also put a lot of pressure on everyone that

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Speaker 1: we meet, even when they give us a whole lot

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Speaker 1: of signs that they may not even be reciprocating what

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Speaker 1: we're putting down. Perhaps we're kind of blind to it

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Speaker 1: because we see a spark and we just chase it.

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Speaker 1: And again, it's very much like an all or nothing approach,

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Speaker 1: like this relationship is what I need to be happy,

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Speaker 1: it's what I need to feel good, it's what I

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Speaker 1: need to impress other people, and it's what I need

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Speaker 1: to finally feel maybe complete. And I was speaking to

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Speaker 1: a friend about this who was single for twenty six

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Speaker 1: years before she met someone, and I was asking her

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Speaker 1: about it. I was like, you know, think back to

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Speaker 1: that time when you were dating, what did it mean

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Speaker 1: to you that that status of being single for that

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Speaker 1: long did it actually change how you approach situations? And

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Speaker 1: she was like, yes, absolutely, she was like everybody she met,

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Speaker 1: everybody she encountered, she immediately ran this like series of

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Speaker 1: series of situations in her head in which they could

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Speaker 1: be the one. Her mind immediately went to the most

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00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,439
Speaker 1: far off conclusions, like they would do one nice thing

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Speaker 1: for her that meant that, you know, that was her husband,

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Speaker 1: that was her future partner, because you know, it was

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Speaker 1: just always on her mind. She was always thinking about it.

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Speaker 1: She was always hoping for it in every situation and

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Speaker 1: every circumstance, and she didn't care who it was with.

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Speaker 1: And what she was saying to me was that it

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Speaker 1: was really frustrating because she kind of wanted her heart

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Speaker 1: to slow down so her brain could catch up and

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Speaker 1: her brain could be rational without getting caught up in

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Speaker 1: really intense feelings that ended up shutting down a lot

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Speaker 1: of that logic. You know. She was like, Oh, I

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Speaker 1: would meet these people and we would literally go on

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Speaker 1: one day and there was nothing that you could say

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Speaker 1: to convince me that they weren't the one, and so

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Speaker 1: I began treating them like that before they'd even showed

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Speaker 1: an interest in me, and she was like, I just

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Speaker 1: kept getting my heart broken without ever actually being in

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Speaker 1: anything serious, without ever even feeling like I'd done the

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Speaker 1: relationship thing. So I think that really comes down to

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Speaker 1: a sense of scarcity and a sense that we better

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Speaker 1: like getting quick, We better find someone to commit to

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Speaker 1: right now, otherwise all the good ones are going to

401
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,840
Speaker 1: run out. Otherwise we're going to, I don't know, somehow

402
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:13,560
Speaker 1: run out of time, somehow be left in the dust.

403
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:18,639
Speaker 1: And the scarcity effect really comes down to when something

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Speaker 1: seems more rare to you, such as a relationship, because

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Speaker 1: you don't have one, that's suddenly that thing that is

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00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:30,119
Speaker 1: scarce feels a lot more valuable because not everyone can

407
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,000
Speaker 1: have it because you can't have it. It's basically like

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00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,520
Speaker 1: the grass is always green, and mentality, it's, you know,

409
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 1: wanting what you can't have, it's all of those things.

410
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:43,359
Speaker 1: It's looking at your situation and wanting the one thing

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00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:46,440
Speaker 1: that you're missing more than you even value the things

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Speaker 1: that you do have. That can lead us to a

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Speaker 1: pretty dangerous place, as I just described. And I think

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Speaker 1: when we encounter that kind of thinking, it's really important

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00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,760
Speaker 1: to remind yourself that it is much better to be

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Speaker 1: single than to settle for something else, and blah blah blah.

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Speaker 1: I get it. You probably heard that a million times.

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Speaker 1: You know that might not change the underlying desire or

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Speaker 1: fear or behavior. But let's make it even more mathematic.

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Speaker 1: You could settle down and spend the next five to

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Speaker 1: ten years in a mediocre relationship that eventually crumbles, meaning

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00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,040
Speaker 1: that you're going to be back to where you are now,

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Speaker 1: back at the starting line in ten years time. Or

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Speaker 1: you could wait another three to five years, be selective

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Speaker 1: and find the one You could find the soul mate.

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Speaker 1: You could spend the rest of your lives together, or

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00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,960
Speaker 1: you could have neither option, and you could, yeah, maybe

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Speaker 1: be alone for the rest of your life and maybe

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Speaker 1: be really really happy, perhaps be the happiest version of

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00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,959
Speaker 1: yourself that you were ever going to be. The secret

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00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:45,840
Speaker 1: to living and fulfilling life is not as simple as

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00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,960
Speaker 1: a relationship status. I think that's the one thing that

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Speaker 1: I really want us to remember. There is this weird

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00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:57,119
Speaker 1: fear that is implanted in us that we are on

435
00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:02,159
Speaker 1: this timeline, and this timeline involves curing a relationship, and

436
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,680
Speaker 1: that if you don't have it there's something wrong with you.

437
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:06,800
Speaker 1: Your life isn't going to be as good. That is

438
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:10,200
Speaker 1: fear mongering. That is fear mongering that we eventually adopt

439
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:13,320
Speaker 1: ourselves because it's really hard not to. So how do

440
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,520
Speaker 1: we really fully embrace our power? I guess is I

441
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,320
Speaker 1: would like to say, intentionally single people, how do we

442
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 1: have patience? How do we also make our lives as

443
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:26,080
Speaker 1: rich as they possibly can before we get back out there,

444
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:28,920
Speaker 1: before we find someone who is going to match that? Well?

445
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,560
Speaker 1: I have some tips for you, some advice and some

446
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:41,840
Speaker 1: psychology after this short break, so stay with us. How

447
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,800
Speaker 1: can we still recognize that a relationship is part of

448
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,159
Speaker 1: our timeline. It's okay to want love. It's okay to

449
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,640
Speaker 1: desire that as part of your future, but not get

450
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,399
Speaker 1: bogged down by the fear of being alone and let

451
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:57,800
Speaker 1: it influence us to make rash decisions. Because it's okay

452
00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,640
Speaker 1: to say, like, yes, a big part of my life

453
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,680
Speaker 1: plan and something that I want for my future is

454
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,119
Speaker 1: to find someone, and is to love them and build

455
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,240
Speaker 1: a family or a business or a house or a life,

456
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:08,840
Speaker 1: whatever it is. We just don't want that to be

457
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:13,160
Speaker 1: our goal above everything else and feel like we can't

458
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:17,120
Speaker 1: start living till we've secured it. I think it's about

459
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 1: pursuing an authentic, well lived life that a relationship could

460
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,879
Speaker 1: only benefit, but not complete. So my first tip around

461
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:30,360
Speaker 1: kind of countering this fear of being alone, it revolves

462
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,880
Speaker 1: around continuing to make yourself an interesting person, find yourself interesting,

463
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 1: find your life interesting, regardless of what's happening when it

464
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,600
Speaker 1: comes to your romantic life. And I think in this way,

465
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,280
Speaker 1: not only does it help us stay secure that we

466
00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:48,040
Speaker 1: are a really cool person. This will come in time,

467
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:52,800
Speaker 1: but I think that authenticity in itself actually inevitably and

468
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,879
Speaker 1: eventually attracts the love that we want so badly, but

469
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 1: in a healthy form and on its own timeline. Work

470
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:03,720
Speaker 1: on making yourself an interesting person and in the process

471
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:08,760
Speaker 1: creating a life that you absolutely fucking love that anyone

472
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:10,399
Speaker 1: who walks to the door is going to have to

473
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,639
Speaker 1: compete with. They are going to have to compete with

474
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,320
Speaker 1: your dream life before they are let in. And that

475
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,159
Speaker 1: is a really hard bar to get over, and it

476
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,440
Speaker 1: means that you are more selective. It means that you

477
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:26,719
Speaker 1: also just enjoy your time as a single individual without

478
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,639
Speaker 1: seeing it as a waiting period, without seeing it as

479
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:32,040
Speaker 1: like you being on the sidelines, or you being on

480
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:36,480
Speaker 1: the bench before you know your life truly starts. That

481
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 1: authentic well lived life to me, involves having things that

482
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:44,040
Speaker 1: keep you busy whilst giving you purpose, having things that

483
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:49,080
Speaker 1: make you feel aligned with yourself, actually exploring who you are.

484
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,800
Speaker 1: It is so so rare that we have time in

485
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:58,560
Speaker 1: our life to actually think about what we want to

486
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,280
Speaker 1: think about what you want from yourself right now and

487
00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:05,600
Speaker 1: from your future, to think about your identity and who

488
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,680
Speaker 1: you really are. I really implore you to think about this.

489
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,920
Speaker 1: When was the last time you really thought about those things?

490
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,680
Speaker 1: When was the last time you really thought about? What

491
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:15,280
Speaker 1: kind of person do I want to be? What kind

492
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,320
Speaker 1: of life do I want to live? How am I

493
00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:20,040
Speaker 1: going to work on myself? Am I really happy right now?

494
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 1: I think that's one of the gifts about being single,

495
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,720
Speaker 1: is that it does allow for that really intense and

496
00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:30,680
Speaker 1: beneficial and significant self focus. Another element of that authentic

497
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,200
Speaker 1: well lived life also means having an active and engage life,

498
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,639
Speaker 1: having hobbies and people you see in those spaces, that

499
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:41,120
Speaker 1: casual social interaction that is such an antidote to the

500
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,720
Speaker 1: loneliness we sometimes feel more single. There's no shame around it.

501
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:48,480
Speaker 1: It is something that we experience. And also taking opportunities

502
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,280
Speaker 1: that you might only have while single, you know, being

503
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 1: able to date freely and openly without looking for commitment,

504
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:59,960
Speaker 1: being able to drop what you're doing and go and explore,

505
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:03,560
Speaker 1: and not having to you know, really think about someone

506
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 1: and really count them into your plans. That is something

507
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,840
Speaker 1: that we don't talk about. En me get into a

508
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:14,880
Speaker 1: relationship like it's another person to think about, and sometimes

509
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:18,120
Speaker 1: it's nice to just have to think about yourself. And also,

510
00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:22,760
Speaker 1: like I said before, ensuring that when the time comes

511
00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:25,360
Speaker 1: when they're you know, someone does come into your life,

512
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:29,040
Speaker 1: because no one goes through life without ever meeting somebody

513
00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:31,920
Speaker 1: who could potentially really match them and be the person

514
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:35,440
Speaker 1: for them. Knowing that you are going to still be

515
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:38,560
Speaker 1: in control of your fate. You are still the master

516
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:41,600
Speaker 1: of your own fate, and you still get to be

517
00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,480
Speaker 1: the one calling the shots around. Does this actually benefit

518
00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:48,240
Speaker 1: my life? Am I being selective enough? Or does it

519
00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 1: feel like there is a whole that I couldn't feel myself?

520
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:55,160
Speaker 1: And That's why I'm pursuing this relationship. When we feel

521
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:58,400
Speaker 1: strong as an individual, we are able to bring that

522
00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:02,160
Speaker 1: part of ourself, bring that soa bring that identity to

523
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:05,800
Speaker 1: dating in a way that is more selective, more mature,

524
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,200
Speaker 1: I also think, more fruitful. And here's the added benefit.

525
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:13,040
Speaker 1: Authenticity makes you attractive. It makes you so much more

526
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:16,840
Speaker 1: attractive through its influence on our sense of self confidence.

527
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:20,200
Speaker 1: If you know yourself and you know yourself well, you're

528
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,280
Speaker 1: not going to let the opinions of somebody else or

529
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:25,840
Speaker 1: their approval or rejection of you, get in the way

530
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:28,480
Speaker 1: of just being yourself, and you exude that kind of

531
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:32,120
Speaker 1: confident elixa that we are all after. If you want

532
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,480
Speaker 1: some evidence of this, you can check out a research

533
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 1: paper that was published in twenty fifteen by the Journal

534
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:41,120
Speaker 1: of Personality and Social Psychology. I have quoted this study

535
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,600
Speaker 1: so many times on the podcast because it is probably

536
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:48,160
Speaker 1: one of my favorites. But in this research, these researchers

537
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,680
Speaker 1: looked at a series of dating scenarios between two people

538
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:53,480
Speaker 1: in a lab and they found that confidence was actually

539
00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:58,360
Speaker 1: one of the strongest predictors of romantic attractiveness, and confidence

540
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:01,600
Speaker 1: we cannot have it without a set of authenticity. One

541
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,560
Speaker 1: of the reasons that it's so attractive is that a

542
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,160
Speaker 1: lot of the things we want in a partner are

543
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:10,720
Speaker 1: really difficult to observe upon first meeting them, right, things

544
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:15,600
Speaker 1: like competence, things like drive, things like kindness, things like intelligence.

545
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:18,720
Speaker 1: You know, you only really get kind of a peek

546
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 1: at whether somebody has all those things upon a first impression.

547
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:25,960
Speaker 1: But if that person shows up and is confident, we

548
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:28,960
Speaker 1: kind of believe that they know themselves right. We believe

549
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,680
Speaker 1: that they have a reason for being confident, and that

550
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:34,760
Speaker 1: this reflects the actual value as a partner, so we

551
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:39,840
Speaker 1: feel really into them. Another explanation. Confidence creates a real

552
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:41,840
Speaker 1: aura that draws people in. I'm sure you've had that

553
00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:44,840
Speaker 1: experience where you've met somebody, perhaps not even somebody that

554
00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:47,560
Speaker 1: you're like romantically into, just like someone and you've just

555
00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:50,320
Speaker 1: been like, Wow, I want to be around you. You

556
00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:53,280
Speaker 1: make me feel warm, you make me feel see, you

557
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:56,880
Speaker 1: are like this bright light. And I think what that

558
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:58,840
Speaker 1: comes down to is that a lot of us do

559
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,440
Speaker 1: lack self esteem, and so we are really intrigued by

560
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:06,160
Speaker 1: people who seemingly don't. We want to learn from these people,

561
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:10,160
Speaker 1: We want to maybe have that energy rub off on them.

562
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:13,520
Speaker 1: And if you take time to really build that in yourself,

563
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,840
Speaker 1: I think it's just a win win scenario. You attract

564
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:19,360
Speaker 1: better people and you are more discerning of those people

565
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:23,120
Speaker 1: as well. Another I think benefit of choosing to be

566
00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:26,000
Speaker 1: very authentically aligned with yourself in a way that is

567
00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 1: not reliant on your relationship status is that it helps

568
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:32,000
Speaker 1: you dispurse a lot of those false beliefs that society

569
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,880
Speaker 1: would have us believe about single people. And as we

570
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,400
Speaker 1: said before, it's those false beliefs that contribute to this

571
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:39,960
Speaker 1: fear of being alone. If I'm single, you know I

572
00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,920
Speaker 1: must be unattractive, I must be boring, I must be unworthy,

573
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:45,760
Speaker 1: I must be lonely. That is what so much of

574
00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:49,000
Speaker 1: the information we're picking up from society would lead you

575
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:52,360
Speaker 1: to believe, and that is what makes us feel like

576
00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:56,160
Speaker 1: a partner is the only answer to making ourselves feel

577
00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:59,760
Speaker 1: more worthy and being a full complete person. You could

578
00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:03,680
Speaker 1: try that narrative. You could trust that society or rhetoric

579
00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:07,400
Speaker 1: and that society or vision, or you could trust your

580
00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:10,400
Speaker 1: own reality, which is that you are thriving, You were purposeful,

581
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:13,320
Speaker 1: you are busy, and you know yourself better than most

582
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,880
Speaker 1: people ever will. When you are confident in yourself, you

583
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,440
Speaker 1: are able to look at those beliefs that might be

584
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 1: creating fear within you and creating poor decision making and say, actually,

585
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:28,719
Speaker 1: I don't think that that's true, because I know myself

586
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:33,480
Speaker 1: better than what this outdated narrative is trying to tell me.

587
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 1: The thing that really helped me when I was single

588
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,080
Speaker 1: was looking at people who were still single at thirty

589
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:42,560
Speaker 1: or forty or sixty and had really vibrant lives, because

590
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:44,680
Speaker 1: I feel like the examples we are so often given

591
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:49,640
Speaker 1: of happiness as we age is the happiness that we

592
00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:53,479
Speaker 1: get from big milestones that are associated with a partner,

593
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:59,600
Speaker 1: you know, marriage, moving in together, having children together, vacations together.

594
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:03,240
Speaker 1: It feels like, past thirty five, a lot of the

595
00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 1: significant moments in our life need to be with somebody else.

596
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:11,560
Speaker 1: And when we counteract that with the examples of people

597
00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:14,759
Speaker 1: who are still showing us that they are fulfilled and

598
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:19,640
Speaker 1: happy despite going against the blueprint, we are able to really,

599
00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 1: I think, dispose of that, dispose of that belief system,

600
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:28,880
Speaker 1: and dispose of that construct. Somebody they always used to

601
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:31,840
Speaker 1: think of was Emma Watson, and she did an interview

602
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:34,400
Speaker 1: a few years ago where she like publicly described herself

603
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,680
Speaker 1: as self partnered. That is a concept that I love.

604
00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:40,719
Speaker 1: It's like, I'm not single, I'm self partnered. I'm like

605
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:44,520
Speaker 1: consciously dating myself, and she really like encouraged other people

606
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:47,160
Speaker 1: to view their own I don't want to say lack

607
00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:50,760
Speaker 1: of a romantic partner, but their singlehood as a positive,

608
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:54,480
Speaker 1: not a negative. Nearly like forty percent of adults in

609
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:56,799
Speaker 1: the US don't have a partner. About half of those

610
00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:00,680
Speaker 1: people even express that they weren't even interested in according

611
00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:04,440
Speaker 1: to this research by the Pew Research Center. And I

612
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:07,720
Speaker 1: think that that is something that if you only listen

613
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:10,160
Speaker 1: to what the media said, if you only saw examples

614
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:14,920
Speaker 1: online or in movies, or in the news or in

615
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:20,479
Speaker 1: opinion pieces, you would believe that that is not the case.

616
00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:23,479
Speaker 1: You would believe that it's the opposite that most people

617
00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:27,640
Speaker 1: are in relationships. Most people are happier in relationships. But

618
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:30,279
Speaker 1: in this example that they gave in this research, they

619
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:33,520
Speaker 1: talk about this woman, Bella de Paulo. She is a

620
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:37,520
Speaker 1: famously single person. She's sixty nine years old, she's never

621
00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:40,680
Speaker 1: been in a relationship, and she describes her solo life

622
00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:46,080
Speaker 1: as authentic, as fulfilling, as meaningful, as psychologically rich. That

623
00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:48,080
Speaker 1: is the opposite of what the world would like to

624
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:51,200
Speaker 1: tell us about single people in order to fear monger.

625
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:54,560
Speaker 1: And I think once again those examples wherever you see

626
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,880
Speaker 1: them in the world, they are really powerful because they

627
00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:02,880
Speaker 1: get rid of the doom and gloom that fuels fear. Finally,

628
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:05,440
Speaker 1: I think it's so important that if you are somebody

629
00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:08,680
Speaker 1: who is such a lover, who really just wants someone

630
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:12,520
Speaker 1: to pour all of that brightness and life and energy

631
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:17,400
Speaker 1: and passion and compassion into remember that platonic love is

632
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:21,920
Speaker 1: just as important. Just having a partner is so lonely,

633
00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:24,600
Speaker 1: and I've seen that amongst people in my own life

634
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:31,800
Speaker 1: who deprioritized friendship once they had achieved that relationship status

635
00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:36,240
Speaker 1: that they wanted, and they are very, very lonely people. Because,

636
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:39,600
Speaker 1: as we said before, that social pain that we feel

637
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:43,280
Speaker 1: when we are isolated is real. It's tangible, and it hurts.

638
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,640
Speaker 1: And so it's really important that if you are somebody

639
00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:50,040
Speaker 1: who is a lover, is a giver, you find a

640
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:53,319
Speaker 1: way to still tap into that part of you, either

641
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:57,040
Speaker 1: by showing that love to yourself or really fostering those

642
00:36:57,120 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 1: connections that are going to sometimes last so much longer

643
00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:04,640
Speaker 1: than a love connection than a romantic relationship. Just because

644
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:06,920
Speaker 1: you are single, you are not alone. There are so

645
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:09,560
Speaker 1: many single people in their twenties there are so many

646
00:37:09,719 --> 00:37:14,200
Speaker 1: single people at any age, and it's not like every

647
00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:19,080
Speaker 1: single one of them is miserable and hidden away and isolated.

648
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:21,440
Speaker 1: They have family, they have friends, they have people that

649
00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:25,200
Speaker 1: they admire. I think our fear of being alone often

650
00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:30,959
Speaker 1: occurs when we aren't given that vision of what life

651
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:34,160
Speaker 1: could be like as an unpartnered person, when there is

652
00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:40,480
Speaker 1: a very shallow and false, false story about the unhappiness

653
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:44,719
Speaker 1: levels of people who are alone, of people who have

654
00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:48,239
Speaker 1: never met the one. So, finally, I want to wrap

655
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:51,400
Speaker 1: this up and just conclude by saying, it's okay to

656
00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:54,960
Speaker 1: want love, but don't let the pursuit of love dim

657
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,000
Speaker 1: you down. You are still young, you still have time.

658
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:00,560
Speaker 1: You will find the right person that is what you

659
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:03,800
Speaker 1: are after, but don't wait for your life to start

660
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:07,839
Speaker 1: until then. The fear of being alone is a very

661
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,880
Speaker 1: very deeply rooted one. It is an instinctual one, it

662
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,800
Speaker 1: is a primal one. But it's also one that is

663
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:20,160
Speaker 1: stoked by a lot of unnecessary stories and pictures and

664
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:24,520
Speaker 1: narratives pushed by our society. So take your time. It's

665
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:27,480
Speaker 1: all right to just like really enjoy being self partnered

666
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:32,080
Speaker 1: and exploring yourself. And if you fear being alone forever.

667
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:36,759
Speaker 1: Just know that there are people who your worst fear

668
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:39,239
Speaker 1: is their reality, and I'm sure they would sit you

669
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:42,120
Speaker 1: down and say it's really not that bad. I promise

670
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:44,359
Speaker 1: you it's not that bad. I promise you that there

671
00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:46,080
Speaker 1: is a lot about this that was a choice that

672
00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:48,399
Speaker 1: I made the same way that you will be able

673
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:51,279
Speaker 1: to make choices, and you'll be able to create a

674
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:54,480
Speaker 1: life that you want, regardless of weather dating right now

675
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:57,480
Speaker 1: feels out of your control, regardless of whether you feel

676
00:38:57,560 --> 00:39:00,560
Speaker 1: very fixated on love right now, it is not the

677
00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 1: end of your life to not find love. So thank

678
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:07,320
Speaker 1: you so much for listening. This was a bit of

679
00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:09,880
Speaker 1: a pep talk, and I want to just extend a

680
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:12,400
Speaker 1: lot of empathy and a lot of strength and a

681
00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:14,719
Speaker 1: lot of love to you for what you're going through.

682
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:17,800
Speaker 1: You do have time. I promise you. I'm not gonna

683
00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:20,320
Speaker 1: give you those like bullshit phrases of like it happens

684
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,520
Speaker 1: when you least expect it, because I just don't think

685
00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:26,440
Speaker 1: that is very helpful, and sometimes it's not true. Sometimes

686
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:29,680
Speaker 1: it happens when you are like when you most expect it,

687
00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:31,560
Speaker 1: because you are at your most authentic and at your

688
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:34,960
Speaker 1: most confident and whilst you wait for that, build those

689
00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:37,800
Speaker 1: things up. They are a tool, they are a skill.

690
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:40,839
Speaker 1: They are a part of you that never goes away,

691
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:44,719
Speaker 1: that never expires, that can never be dimmed. So thank

692
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:46,840
Speaker 1: you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode,

693
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:49,360
Speaker 1: please feel free to leave a five star review on

694
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:53,560
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you are listening right now. Make

695
00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:55,600
Speaker 1: sure you're following along or send this episode to a

696
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:58,839
Speaker 1: friend if you think that they would enjoy it. If

697
00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:01,680
Speaker 1: you have any further thought, if you have an episode suggestion,

698
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:04,520
Speaker 1: I love hearing from you, you can follow me at

699
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:09,120
Speaker 1: that psychology podcast or at jemispeg. Come and join the community,

700
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:12,480
Speaker 1: come and say hi, and until next week, make sure

701
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:15,319
Speaker 1: that you are safe. You are kind above all else,

702
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:18,440
Speaker 1: you are gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon