1 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 2 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:08,360 Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 4 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a 5 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:20,520 Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,960 Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along 7 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,479 Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 8 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 1: the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 9 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:48,960 Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. People come into your life for 10 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:53,480 Speaker 1: a reason, a season, or a lifetime. This means that 11 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:59,160 Speaker 1: some relationships have been formed for a specific reason. Perhaps 12 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,360 Speaker 1: you need to learn, earn something, or heal through something, 13 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: or grow through something as a result of the relationship itself. 14 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 1: So today I want to talk about relationships that come 15 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:13,840 Speaker 1: to an end, whether it's an abrupt end or a 16 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: slow death process, breaking up, leaving, exiting a loving relationship, 17 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:24,000 Speaker 1: what I call a love ship. It's hard to do. Now, 18 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be hard, but in more cases 19 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:32,560 Speaker 1: than not, it is difficult, at best devastating in many cases. 20 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:36,920 Speaker 1: Today I want to discuss why. So let's start right here. 21 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:41,119 Speaker 1: Let's talk about it. Let's talk about a letter. Then 22 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:48,120 Speaker 1: I received that comes from a woman named Pam. Hi, Pam, 23 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Ourtspot. Today. We're talking about breaking up 24 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 1: being hard to do, and as I read your letter, 25 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,520 Speaker 1: I would say, I, yeah, it's been hard, but I 26 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 1: thank you for your letter because it speaks to everything 27 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 1: we need to examine in today's topic. So tell me 28 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,880 Speaker 1: a little bit about your relationship and start with your 29 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,760 Speaker 1: love story. What is your love story that brought you 30 00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: and your almost ex husband together in the first place. 31 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:26,640 Speaker 1: So we were twenty four, Um, we met out hanging out. 32 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,400 Speaker 1: I don't know, it was just an instant connection that 33 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:35,160 Speaker 1: we had, you know, while dating, though you know we did. 34 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:40,320 Speaker 1: There were some it was some initial some signs, Yes, 35 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 1: some signs. The signs were definitely there. Tell me about that. 36 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: Tell me about the signs. What were that? Well, you know, 37 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:55,359 Speaker 1: with some initial deception in the relationship, you know, I 38 00:02:55,360 --> 00:03:00,519 Speaker 1: would say that, um, our foundation, you know and how 39 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:05,480 Speaker 1: we started wasn't the greatest. And I think we built 40 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:10,480 Speaker 1: on a shaky foundation. So if you were connected and 41 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 1: you had things in common, talk to me about what 42 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:19,359 Speaker 1: was in the foundation or what was not in the foundation. So, 43 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,040 Speaker 1: like I said, it was, the love was there, the 44 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: connection was there. But you know, there was some serious 45 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:30,960 Speaker 1: deception there in the beginning of the relationship that I 46 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:35,400 Speaker 1: think put a crack in the bond that we had 47 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 1: established right before you got married or after you got 48 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 1: married before. But because we loved each other, um, and 49 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 1: because I had been in a similar situation to this 50 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:53,480 Speaker 1: particular one before and I chose to leave that relationship. 51 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 1: And then when I met him and went through the 52 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,360 Speaker 1: same thing, I was like, well, maybe that's not the 53 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 1: right thing, that maybe maybe I should just hang in 54 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:05,160 Speaker 1: there because I know I love him, and that's what 55 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:09,880 Speaker 1: I did. So fast forward. Um, we were twenty four. 56 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 1: We dated for about five or six years, UM, and 57 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,640 Speaker 1: then we we got married. And it was right after 58 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:22,840 Speaker 1: the marriage was that I didn't learn the details of 59 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 1: the deception, additional details regarding the deception right that he 60 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 1: didn't convey before. So that was very, very hurtful. But again, um, 61 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,640 Speaker 1: when you love a person and you want to be 62 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,080 Speaker 1: with them and they want to be with you, you know, 63 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 1: your heart tells you to do things, but your mind 64 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,039 Speaker 1: is sometimes telling you something else. But a lot of times, 65 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:55,520 Speaker 1: as women, because we're emotional creatures, we live with our 66 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:59,279 Speaker 1: hearts and that's what I did, ms Pam. I want 67 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:03,080 Speaker 1: to give you an opportunity to reverse that, because you see, 68 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: the mind will lie to you. The mind will give 69 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:11,280 Speaker 1: you all manner of reasons and excuses and rationales and suppositions. 70 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:14,640 Speaker 1: But it's the heart that speaks to two. I sense 71 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,719 Speaker 1: that very often people in general will blame the heart 72 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,479 Speaker 1: for what their mind is telling them. Your heart probably 73 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:25,599 Speaker 1: said run run for your life, and your mind says, well, 74 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:32,719 Speaker 1: he's my husband and we love each other and etcetera, etcetera. Yes, 75 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:36,200 Speaker 1: I also want to offer you this proposition. If you 76 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:40,120 Speaker 1: want to know the end, look at the beginning. So 77 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 1: what I hear you saying is that there was deception 78 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,719 Speaker 1: in the beginning of the relationship that created a crack 79 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: in the foundation. Okay, so here we are now at 80 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,720 Speaker 1: the end and this thing hits you. And I'm assuming 81 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,600 Speaker 1: that the deception you're speaking about had to do an 82 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:04,120 Speaker 1: infidelity is accument. Yes, how long had that relationship been 83 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: going on when you found out about it? About two years? 84 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,919 Speaker 1: And that wasn't the first one, wasn't. No, that was 85 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:16,160 Speaker 1: the one I could prove prove how it was sent 86 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: to me? What was sent to you? A message and 87 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:27,760 Speaker 1: explicit videos. Wow, I am really sorry about that. Yeah. 88 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:33,719 Speaker 1: And when I say as a woman and as a wife, um, 89 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:39,599 Speaker 1: what I received, no woman should ever No woman first 90 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,960 Speaker 1: of all, should ever receive that, And no woman should 91 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:48,479 Speaker 1: ever have to see their husband in that manner. Psychologically, 92 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,560 Speaker 1: we're not made up that way to see that to 93 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:55,359 Speaker 1: really be able to handle it. You know, at least 94 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:59,360 Speaker 1: I wasn't. What's the distinction you make between knowing it 95 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:04,160 Speaker 1: and seeing it? Because you knew but you hadn't seen it. 96 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,159 Speaker 1: What's the distinction that you make? Knowing is one thing, 97 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 1: but when you see it, it's a visual. Okay, miss Pam, 98 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: I want you to own that. When I saw it, 99 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 1: right when I saw it, the visual was it was traumatizing. 100 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,640 Speaker 1: So when you know something, it's not necessarily when I 101 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 1: knew something, because you are still externalizing this. I know, 102 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,560 Speaker 1: Mr y'aller because I have been so closed off and 103 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 1: shut down. That's why I'm speaking about it externally because 104 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 1: it's really hard to internalize. The breakup will not happen 105 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:52,920 Speaker 1: until you internalize it. Until then you will continue to 106 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:58,840 Speaker 1: re traumatize yourself. Yeah, you've got to own it. Work 107 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:05,120 Speaker 1: with this, my beloved, Knowing wasn't enough because repeat that, 108 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: knowing wasn't enough because I couldn't I couldn't prove it's right. 109 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:21,559 Speaker 1: So you see indications, you see clues, you see I saw, 110 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 1: I saw, I saw. Okay, I got you, now I 111 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,960 Speaker 1: got you. It wasn't anything that I did not see. 112 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:33,240 Speaker 1: I saw cards, I saw letters, I saw pictures, I 113 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:38,840 Speaker 1: saw explicit texts. Why wasn't that enough to let go? 114 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:45,679 Speaker 1: Because again, it could be explained away. Not that even 115 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:49,720 Speaker 1: the explanations made any sense. But I think for me 116 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,839 Speaker 1: and I'm I'm gonna be real here. I was in 117 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,520 Speaker 1: a sense of denial, like I didn't want to let 118 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:02,640 Speaker 1: go of the family that I we had created. Why 119 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:06,000 Speaker 1: and and to ask myself, why didn't I leave? It 120 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:10,559 Speaker 1: is a dumb question. I was holding onto my family unit. 121 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:15,560 Speaker 1: Oh no, you were holding onto the image that you 122 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,760 Speaker 1: had created in your mind. And that's normal, not natural, 123 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:23,680 Speaker 1: but it is normal. You know what else, my beloved, 124 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:29,440 Speaker 1: it was familiar. You had been there before and made 125 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,960 Speaker 1: up your mind. I'm not gonna walk away this time. 126 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 1: I'm gonna stick it out. You see, when we have 127 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,319 Speaker 1: the image of what we think it is or what 128 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:44,560 Speaker 1: we wanted to be, we just have a hard time saying, oops, 129 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:48,679 Speaker 1: I was wrong. I made a mistake. And that's what 130 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,960 Speaker 1: makes breaking up so hard to do. So what do 131 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 1: we do now? We'll talk about that right after this 132 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: break Welcome back to the our spot. We are continuing 133 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:13,800 Speaker 1: our conversation about breaking up leaving a relationship. When you 134 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,640 Speaker 1: are breaking up, there must be a consequence for the 135 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 1: behavior identified, and there must be clear boundaries that then 136 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:26,080 Speaker 1: create the game changes or the you know, the bottom lines. 137 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:33,040 Speaker 1: I got remorse, I got the ecology, I got flowers, candy, gifts, 138 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:38,120 Speaker 1: all that. But what I didn't get was what I wanted. 139 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:43,080 Speaker 1: I wanted the accountability. I wanted him to say, what 140 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: can I do to change this? What can I do 141 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:51,000 Speaker 1: to make it better? How can we work together to 142 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:55,520 Speaker 1: try to get through this situation? And I never heard 143 00:10:55,559 --> 00:11:00,640 Speaker 1: those words. It sounds to me like perhaps at beginning 144 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,120 Speaker 1: with the deception in the foundation, you didn't have a 145 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:08,600 Speaker 1: clear deal breakup. Would that be accurate? M h, that's 146 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:13,840 Speaker 1: what you call boundaries. See, there are two things I 147 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,960 Speaker 1: never tolerated in a relationship, and I tolerated some other 148 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:22,320 Speaker 1: crazy stuff, but one thing was cheating and the other 149 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,240 Speaker 1: thing was messing with my money. Don't mess with my money. 150 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:29,200 Speaker 1: You are gone. Don't put your hand in my checking account, 151 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,960 Speaker 1: don't be digging around in my purse. Those are deal 152 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,679 Speaker 1: breakers for me. And then you cheat, You're gone. You 153 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:40,200 Speaker 1: mess with my money, I'm out. So I'll tell you 154 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,400 Speaker 1: the kind of woman I am. I had just had 155 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,760 Speaker 1: my daughter. She was about six weeks old, and I 156 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,360 Speaker 1: was at home with her. My two older children were 157 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:53,079 Speaker 1: in school when the doorbell rang, maybe about one o'clock 158 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,440 Speaker 1: in the afternoon. So I go to the door and 159 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:59,360 Speaker 1: there are these two women, one older, one younger. When 160 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,520 Speaker 1: I opened the door, they asked me my name, and 161 00:12:01,559 --> 00:12:05,120 Speaker 1: they introduced themselves, tell me who they were. Then the 162 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,080 Speaker 1: older woman said to me, this is my daughter, and 163 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,439 Speaker 1: we're here to find out when you are going to 164 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:15,479 Speaker 1: let let me just give you a name, Uh, Franklin. 165 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:20,120 Speaker 1: When you're gonna let Franklin go. We're planning his marriage 166 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,200 Speaker 1: to my daughter, but he says, you won't sign the 167 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:29,880 Speaker 1: divorce papers. So this woman brought her daughter to my 168 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,680 Speaker 1: house to ask me when I was going to sign 169 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:38,640 Speaker 1: the divorce papers so that her daughter could marry my husband. 170 00:12:38,679 --> 00:12:42,400 Speaker 1: But like I said, I don't tolerate cheating. So on 171 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:46,320 Speaker 1: that bright Sunday afternoon. You know what I did. I said, 172 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,920 Speaker 1: wait a minute, and I went back in my house 173 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,560 Speaker 1: and I went to the closet. I took all of 174 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,839 Speaker 1: his clothes and put them in one of those big 175 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,640 Speaker 1: black trash bags. Everything I took him out of the closet, 176 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,079 Speaker 1: the drawers, everything, even the wet auntry I had hanging 177 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:04,240 Speaker 1: on the line. I pulled that in and put it 178 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,320 Speaker 1: in the bag. And I carried those bags to the 179 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,839 Speaker 1: front door. I said, here, here's all this closed. Then 180 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,440 Speaker 1: I said, wait a minute. I went back inside and 181 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:15,360 Speaker 1: I got Lady, the German shepherd. I put her leash on. 182 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,680 Speaker 1: I took her to the door, and I said, here, 183 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:21,079 Speaker 1: take the dog too. I told you I got deal breakers, 184 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,960 Speaker 1: and this was my husband and I had a six 185 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,400 Speaker 1: week old baby. You want him, you got him. I 186 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:32,760 Speaker 1: gave them all of his clothes and the dog. That's 187 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,439 Speaker 1: how you have a deal breaker, and you hold it. 188 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:39,760 Speaker 1: But how many of us women are taught to establish 189 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:45,560 Speaker 1: those early in the relationship. I never established boundaries. Who 190 00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:49,959 Speaker 1: taught you how beloved? No one you didn't know. And 191 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,800 Speaker 1: it's unloving to ask yourself to do something you don't 192 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,880 Speaker 1: know how to do. It's unloving. You didn't know not 193 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:01,040 Speaker 1: to blame anybody because the people who didn't know how 194 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,040 Speaker 1: to do it couldn't teach you how to do it. 195 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,920 Speaker 1: So many of us don't have boundaries. The other thing 196 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:11,160 Speaker 1: is so many of us, as women, go into relationships 197 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:16,280 Speaker 1: and marriage without clear deal breakers. You've got to have 198 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:20,080 Speaker 1: your deal breakers at the beginning, and by the time 199 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,120 Speaker 1: you realize, oh damn, this isn't working. So many deals 200 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: have been broken you can't even figure out which one 201 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,160 Speaker 1: is the real one, which is the most horrible one. Yeah, 202 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,840 Speaker 1: that's exactly what happened. We go into relationships and by 203 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,520 Speaker 1: the time they blow up, like you said, you're traumatized. 204 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:43,480 Speaker 1: I am, But it's a blessing. Here's the lesson. The 205 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:48,400 Speaker 1: universe is saying to you, know what you know, even 206 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:53,960 Speaker 1: without evidence, the cards, the pictures, the text, the letters. 207 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 1: You say it wasn't evidence. I don't know how much 208 00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 1: more evidence you want or need. So what what's next? 209 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 1: The video? The video was the most reasonable thing. What 210 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 1: else was going to happen? You were going to walk 211 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:14,080 Speaker 1: into in a living room? The universe was teaching you something, beloved, 212 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:19,760 Speaker 1: know what you know? It's your bad behavior too. If 213 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: you clean up your bad behavior, he will disappear. But 214 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,680 Speaker 1: I don't know how to get there. Right now, you 215 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 1: are all vibrating at the same place. His bad behavior 216 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 1: was about his bad behavior. Your bad behavior was about 217 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,880 Speaker 1: ignoring his bad behavior. So I want to send you 218 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:44,120 Speaker 1: or give you a copy of Forgiveness forty Days to 219 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,920 Speaker 1: forgive everyone for everything, And I want you to do 220 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,120 Speaker 1: the work in that book. I want to say thank you, 221 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,200 Speaker 1: and I want you to know how much I really 222 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:57,280 Speaker 1: love you. I appreciate you, and I appreciate you being 223 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:01,040 Speaker 1: so willing to work on your out. And if you 224 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,800 Speaker 1: are a g c C member, a Global Community Connection member, 225 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,680 Speaker 1: you've got a lot of information. You have to go 226 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,680 Speaker 1: back and do some of that work. And then in 227 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: ninety days, I want you to write me and let 228 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:18,320 Speaker 1: me know where you are. Oh yes, ma'am, I will definitely. 229 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:25,600 Speaker 1: When you are leaving a relationship where there's money or 230 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:29,880 Speaker 1: property or children involved, chances are you are going to 231 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:35,120 Speaker 1: need some outside support, a third party, a mediator, an attorney, 232 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 1: even a minister or a counselor who can help you 233 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:42,320 Speaker 1: sort through the rubble. And I know in some cases 234 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 1: people think they cannot afford the support they need. But 235 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 1: there is always away, there's legal aid, there's a friend 236 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,960 Speaker 1: of a friend who has some experience in this area. 237 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:58,240 Speaker 1: The point is, when it comes to leaving and asking 238 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:02,280 Speaker 1: for what you want, you may need some help. So 239 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:07,640 Speaker 1: be open to asking for it, be open to compromising 240 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:11,520 Speaker 1: on your requests, and if the third party is not 241 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 1: being cooperative, step to the left and get someone involved 242 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:22,199 Speaker 1: who can advocate on your bath. Oh lord, leaving isn't easy. 243 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 1: Breaking up is so hard to do, and we haven't 244 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:31,000 Speaker 1: even scratched the surface of the challenges, the difficulties, the 245 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:36,240 Speaker 1: ins and outs of getting out. In fact, in all relationships, 246 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:42,680 Speaker 1: boundaries are absolutely essential because boundaries are the way that 247 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,280 Speaker 1: you demonstrate respect, not only for yourself but for the 248 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:50,280 Speaker 1: other person. Boundaries are the way that you keep yourself 249 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:54,280 Speaker 1: safe and teach the other person what they can expect 250 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,240 Speaker 1: from you and what you can expect from them. Now, 251 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:02,560 Speaker 1: here's the problem with bad counties. Most people create a 252 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:06,400 Speaker 1: boundary and if someone crosses the boundary, they back up 253 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:11,240 Speaker 1: and draw another line. Well, that is very unhelpful. The 254 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:15,680 Speaker 1: other problem with boundaries is we fail to create a 255 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:20,280 Speaker 1: consequence for violation of the boundary. And my next caller 256 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,480 Speaker 1: is learning all about boundaries. We'll talk to her when 257 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:36,159 Speaker 1: we come back. Welcome back to the our Spot. We 258 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:42,040 Speaker 1: are continuing our conversation about how to set boundaries, how 259 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:46,639 Speaker 1: to hold the boundary, and how to enact the consequence 260 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:51,680 Speaker 1: for violation of a boundary. But more important, she's learning 261 00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 1: why she has to do it. Greetings beloved, Welcome to 262 00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 1: the our Spot. How are you today? How are you? 263 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:06,120 Speaker 1: Thank you? Thank you, thank you for calling today. Thank you. 264 00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:09,960 Speaker 1: And here at the our Spot we discuss all issues 265 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:14,280 Speaker 1: related to relationships. So what is your issue, challenge, problem, 266 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:18,600 Speaker 1: concern that we can dive into to that. Okay, So 267 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,600 Speaker 1: my concern is that I have a my child father 268 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:27,600 Speaker 1: is an alcoholic and I would like for my child 269 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,320 Speaker 1: to know him. But I think I just need some 270 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:35,439 Speaker 1: assistance on like how to set boundaries with like keeping 271 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: her safe, keeping her emotionally safe, and just everything that 272 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,400 Speaker 1: comes along with the alcoholic, because um, I don't want 273 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,159 Speaker 1: to come off as bitter and just keep her away 274 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,239 Speaker 1: from him because I want to keep her safe, I 275 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,800 Speaker 1: just don't know how to maneuver with She's my only child. Again, 276 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,640 Speaker 1: I thank you for calling in and let me make 277 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 1: sure I've got this. You have a child that is 278 00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:02,119 Speaker 1: how old? Nineteen months? And you want the child to 279 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,600 Speaker 1: be in a relationship with her father, but you're concerned 280 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:09,560 Speaker 1: about whether or not she is safe with them. Okay. 281 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,720 Speaker 1: So has he always been an alcoholic? He always has been, 282 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,040 Speaker 1: and I was one before her. Well, when I had her, 283 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,679 Speaker 1: I stopped drinking and he kept drinking. Okay, So you 284 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,720 Speaker 1: have a shared history today and my hearing that you 285 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,760 Speaker 1: don't live together, we don't. Okay, good? And what is 286 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 1: his current relationship like with her? He has one. He 287 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:35,639 Speaker 1: will do that to get to me, like he really 288 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,440 Speaker 1: wants to be with me, but it's like he almost 289 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:42,000 Speaker 1: tries to use it, like he doesn't support her financially. 290 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:45,920 Speaker 1: I do everything for her. And it's like if if 291 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960 Speaker 1: I would allow him to be in a relationship with me, 292 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,920 Speaker 1: then he would do those things. So he sort of that, 293 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,800 Speaker 1: he kind of like he will try to use our 294 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:56,480 Speaker 1: relationships and like he doesn't really necessarily have a relationship 295 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,440 Speaker 1: with her, But when we don't talk, he like, well 296 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,840 Speaker 1: when am I going to see her? You never see here? 297 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:05,399 Speaker 1: So I just I don't know, all right, So let's 298 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:11,440 Speaker 1: handle some basics here. The basic is alcoholism is a disease. 299 00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:14,879 Speaker 1: So when you are dealing with him, you have to 300 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:19,640 Speaker 1: deal with him knowing that he is not well. I'm 301 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:22,560 Speaker 1: overly compassionate for him, and then I'll give him passes 302 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 1: for things. Compassion is not about giving him a pass. 303 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:31,960 Speaker 1: Sympathy is about giving him a pass. Compassion is about 304 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:36,760 Speaker 1: the elimination of his suffering, the elimination of your suffering, 305 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:42,720 Speaker 1: and the elimination probably of your daughter suffering. And nothing 306 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:46,560 Speaker 1: is going to cause her greater suffering than to see 307 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,920 Speaker 1: her father in the height of his illness. He wants 308 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:53,200 Speaker 1: to be with you, So we're going to separate that 309 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:58,760 Speaker 1: out because I'm thinking and hearing that your relationship to 310 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:04,720 Speaker 1: him is over. Okay, all right, so that's clear. So 311 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 1: then you're dealing with your daughter's father period. There's no 312 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 1: discussion about your relationship with him, and what do you 313 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:18,119 Speaker 1: want to see in that relationship. I just want to 314 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,520 Speaker 1: see them able to interact. I want to see him 315 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,480 Speaker 1: want to have a relationship with her and not focus 316 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,560 Speaker 1: so much on me, but focus on her, and not 317 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 1: in exciteful way. Well beloved, it's unloving to ask someone 318 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:36,479 Speaker 1: to do something that they cannot do. That's a very 319 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:42,520 Speaker 1: unloving thing. You're asking an alcoholic to make rational decisions 320 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,320 Speaker 1: and behave in a responsible way. That is not going 321 00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:51,200 Speaker 1: to happen. Okay, you said a keyword early in your communication. 322 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 1: You said boundaries. So what are the current boundaries that 323 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,360 Speaker 1: you have with him? I don't really have any, that's 324 00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:03,439 Speaker 1: the problem. So let's start with some boundaries. What is 325 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,679 Speaker 1: the first boundary that you would like to create with him? 326 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,720 Speaker 1: And I have a little voice, so I instantly you 327 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,359 Speaker 1: just sit down and just like whatever, he's like a 328 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,720 Speaker 1: roaring lion, like that's how he is. Yeah, well, you've 329 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,639 Speaker 1: got to put that in check and let him know. 330 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,720 Speaker 1: I'm asking you not to speak to me in that way, 331 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:32,040 Speaker 1: and if you do, I will end the communication. Whether 332 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:35,600 Speaker 1: you hang up the phone or walk away, you've got 333 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,720 Speaker 1: to announce this. So the first boundary is how he 334 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:43,120 Speaker 1: speaks to you. That's number one. That doesn't have anything 335 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,879 Speaker 1: to do with your daughter. That has to do with 336 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:49,680 Speaker 1: the fact that you are your daughter's mother, and there's 337 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:54,320 Speaker 1: a way that you can receive people. But chances are 338 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:57,760 Speaker 1: he's going to violate that boundary and then there must 339 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:02,359 Speaker 1: be a consequence. Okay, I'm going to walk away or 340 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,679 Speaker 1: hang up. I want you to know that there's a 341 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:09,159 Speaker 1: consequence to how you speak to me and how you behave. 342 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,720 Speaker 1: See when you first announced the boundary and you tell 343 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:17,879 Speaker 1: him the consequence, trust me, he is going to violate it. 344 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,520 Speaker 1: So the next time he speaks to you, he'll probably 345 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:26,200 Speaker 1: yell or curse or whatever. That's when you say to him, Remember, 346 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,120 Speaker 1: I asked you not to speak to me like that. 347 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,879 Speaker 1: I told you. If you do, I'm going to walk away, 348 00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 1: or I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm going 349 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:39,880 Speaker 1: to end the communication. So you're doing it right now again, 350 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:44,320 Speaker 1: I'm going to ask you to stop. That's how you 351 00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 1: hold the boundary and how long do I hold it? 352 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:51,240 Speaker 1: How long do I with Well, I'm not asking you 353 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,360 Speaker 1: to withhold conversations because you may hang up. He might 354 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,639 Speaker 1: call you right back. That's when you say, I have 355 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,760 Speaker 1: asked you not to yell at me. You're yelling, So 356 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:04,480 Speaker 1: I'm not going to take any more calls from you today. 357 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,800 Speaker 1: Call me back when you can speak to me without 358 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:13,359 Speaker 1: yelling or cursing or whatever. But you are announcing the boundary. 359 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 1: You are making it clear. I've asked you not to 360 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,520 Speaker 1: speak to me in that way. If you do, here's 361 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:25,480 Speaker 1: the consequence. Because you have violated a boundary. You see, 362 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,760 Speaker 1: you can have another conversation with him later on, but 363 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 1: right now a boundary has been violated. A consequence must 364 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:39,720 Speaker 1: be enacted, because a boundary without a consequence just doesn't 365 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:44,800 Speaker 1: work right. So the first boundary is how he speaks 366 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,080 Speaker 1: to you. What's the second boundary you need to set 367 00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:52,520 Speaker 1: with him? Um, how we can co parent? Um, Because 368 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,639 Speaker 1: he'll use that because he knows that I'm not comfortable 369 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:59,359 Speaker 1: with her going with him without me, and neither she 370 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,320 Speaker 1: She'll cry. So what he'll do is say, I'm coming 371 00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:05,960 Speaker 1: to get her and we don't need you, So I 372 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:10,240 Speaker 1: don't know how to let her be without me with him. 373 00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:14,240 Speaker 1: So the second boundary I'm hearing you say you have 374 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:18,680 Speaker 1: to create is about his mind. You are dealing with 375 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:23,679 Speaker 1: a diseased mind. Now that doesn't make him bad, doesn't 376 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:26,840 Speaker 1: make him a bad person, but you have to tell 377 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:31,480 Speaker 1: yourself the truth about that. So the second boundary are 378 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:36,720 Speaker 1: the visitation parameters for him and your daughter, and you 379 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,080 Speaker 1: have to tell him the truth. It may be like, 380 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,080 Speaker 1: I know you are her father, but you are also 381 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:46,720 Speaker 1: an alcoholic and I don't feel she's safe with you. 382 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:51,240 Speaker 1: So here are the boundaries for your visitation. You cannot 383 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:55,040 Speaker 1: take her anywhere without me, and you cannot be in 384 00:26:55,119 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: my house to visit her. You'll have to meet him 385 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:03,480 Speaker 1: somewhere else. Telling that will have to meet and that's 386 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:07,119 Speaker 1: the boundary, beloved. You want him to be a nice, 387 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,639 Speaker 1: normal father that's coming to take the kid to the 388 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:13,560 Speaker 1: circus and bring him back on time. No, that is 389 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:18,160 Speaker 1: not going to happen as long as his mind is disease. 390 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,960 Speaker 1: And you can even say that to him. As long 391 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,320 Speaker 1: as you are drinking, and I'm not clear that you 392 00:27:25,359 --> 00:27:30,800 Speaker 1: can control your drinking. She cannot be alone with you. 393 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 1: You've got a problem with that, then let's go to court, right, Okay, 394 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,720 Speaker 1: I can do that. I just gotta build my back 395 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:40,840 Speaker 1: phone up with him, because, like I said, I got 396 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,199 Speaker 1: a soft spot for him, and you don't have a 397 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:47,359 Speaker 1: soft spot for him. You've got a weak spot for yourself. 398 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:51,400 Speaker 1: There's a distinction having a soft spot for him is this. 399 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:55,480 Speaker 1: I'm making sure that I keep you and our daughter 400 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:59,760 Speaker 1: is safe because I understand that you're not well. So 401 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,840 Speaker 1: I'm not going to expect you to do all the 402 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,280 Speaker 1: things that are normal co parent would do. I'm not 403 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:09,160 Speaker 1: going to put those things on you. But these are 404 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:13,080 Speaker 1: the requirements that I am making of you. You cannot 405 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:17,239 Speaker 1: speak to me in a disrespectful, dishonorable way, and you 406 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,240 Speaker 1: cannot be alone with our daughter as long as you 407 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:25,359 Speaker 1: are drinking. See now, that's a strong spot for you, 408 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,880 Speaker 1: because if he can come into your life and run 409 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:33,919 Speaker 1: him up, he's not the problem. You are the problem. 410 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:39,560 Speaker 1: Hold your line, don't draw your line in the sand, 411 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:43,040 Speaker 1: and when he crosses the line, you step back and 412 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:47,200 Speaker 1: draw another line. And when he crosses that, that's when 413 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:51,719 Speaker 1: you've got to enact the consequence. Because that's exactly what 414 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:55,760 Speaker 1: I've been doing, backing up and drawing up. Well. Well, 415 00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:59,200 Speaker 1: like I said, it's not about a soft spot for him. 416 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:03,320 Speaker 1: It's about a weak spot for yourself. And that, my beloved, 417 00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:08,760 Speaker 1: is what you have to build up. Okay, thank you 418 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:15,080 Speaker 1: so much. You are so welcome. This is a topic 419 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:19,640 Speaker 1: that many of us have faced and are still suffering 420 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:24,640 Speaker 1: the impact of. It's a situation that many of us 421 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:29,160 Speaker 1: will face. So we also know that you must ask 422 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:33,960 Speaker 1: for what you want, being willing to compromise, but you 423 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:38,840 Speaker 1: must create and whold clear boundaries about how you want 424 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:43,360 Speaker 1: to move forward. I am Yamla and thank you for 425 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:47,720 Speaker 1: tuning in. If you have questions insights about this or 426 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:51,040 Speaker 1: any other relationship issue and you would like to explore 427 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:53,400 Speaker 1: it here on the our spot, you can call me 428 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 1: live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven 429 00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:01,080 Speaker 1: six eight and be sure to follow on social media 430 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:04,719 Speaker 1: for the call in times. In the meantime, stay in peace, 431 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:12,640 Speaker 1: not pieceless. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland 432 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 1: Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts 433 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:22,000 Speaker 1: from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, 434 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:24,920 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.