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Speaker 1: Dear Alana is released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.

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Speaker 1: But if you want to binge the whole season right now,

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Speaker 1: subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on

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Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.

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Speaker 1: For more information, check out the show notes enjoy the episode.

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Speaker 2: The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or

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Speaker 2: someone you know is in need of help, please contact

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Speaker 2: the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.

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Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 3: I was wearing black Sophie shorts and a great T shirt.

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Speaker 3: I took the bus to see him. We sat in

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Speaker 3: his office. I felt uncomfortable with my short shorts and

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Speaker 3: bare legs. He didn't say anything, though he was covered

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Speaker 3: in black glasses, haircut close to the skull. He was young,

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Speaker 3: and funny and passionate. He noticed me, He knew me.

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Speaker 3: He knew I loved God. He forgave my unspeakable sin.

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Speaker 3: He took my defilement and buried it.

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Speaker 1: He kept my secret. It's Wednesday night, and I'm happy

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Speaker 1: to be back home in San Francisco. I'm sitting at

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Speaker 1: the back of my local parish for an evening prayer service.

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Speaker 1: The church is lit by candle light, and I'm struck

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Speaker 1: by how beautiful it is. Whenever I'm here, I feel

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Speaker 1: like I can just slept my thoughts room free. Tonight,

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Speaker 1: they'll be playing music written by a group of monks

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Speaker 1: from a small town in eastern France. Somehow these men

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Speaker 1: ran away from it all and wrote the melancholic melodies

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Speaker 1: we're hearing this evening. I'm thinking about my last conversation

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Speaker 1: with Joyce, and I'm eager to get back to Colorado

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Speaker 1: in order to go through Alana's journals for myself. But

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Speaker 1: a part of me is uneasy. How many of us

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Speaker 1: keep diaries in journals of our deepest thoughts and feelings,

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Speaker 1: where we confide our insecurities, our secrets, and our dreams.

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Speaker 1: In our journals, we get to be totally unfiltered because

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Speaker 1: it helps us process things, and because we don't expect

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Speaker 1: anyone to ever read them. But what does it mean

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Speaker 1: if someone gains access to them when we're gone, before

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Speaker 1: we've had a chance to give them permission to do so.

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Speaker 1: That's the dilemma I'm weighing this evening as I stare

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Speaker 1: at the flickering candles. I recall a paragraph that I

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Speaker 1: had happened upon as we were flipping through Alana's journals

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Speaker 1: in Joyce's kitchen. It's a nondescript line, barely noticeable, but

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Speaker 1: it's stuck with me. Alana says, it's hard to write

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Speaker 1: just for me.

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Speaker 3: I just want to write down my life in a

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Speaker 3: small journal, tucked away somewhere in this world. I want

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Speaker 3: to be in this world. I want to be a

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Speaker 3: part of this world. I feel invisible all my life.

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Speaker 3: I've been hiding away, waiting for someone to find me.

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Speaker 1: Maybe she tucked her journals away waiting for someone to

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Speaker 1: find them. Maybe that someone was me from Tenderfoot TV.

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Speaker 1: I'm Simon kent Fung and this is Dear Alana, Part three,

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Speaker 1: My Secret. Alanna left behind twenty journals, and with Joyce's permission,

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Speaker 1: I digitally scanned every page, even the ones that had

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Speaker 1: only a few lines on them. In total, nearly twelve

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Speaker 1: hundred pages. It's worth noting that in some journals, Alana

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Speaker 1: ripped out pages, and we may never know why. It

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Speaker 1: felt important to give her journals a voice, so we

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Speaker 1: found a voice actress coincidentally also named Ilana to help

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Speaker 1: us with that, and you'll hear her voice throughout the series.

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Speaker 1: As I begin reading her journals, I can see right

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Speaker 1: away that Alana keeps really detailed notes. She likes to

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Speaker 1: track things on timelines and lists. In one journal, she

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Speaker 1: breaks her life out into big chapters titled California where

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Speaker 1: she was.

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Speaker 3: Born Born October nineteen ninety five. Separation, anxiety, mom and

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Speaker 3: dad fighting middle school. Moved to Colorado in two thousand.

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Speaker 3: Dad called me too sensitive, a baby, wild imagination, extreme

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Speaker 3: fear of monsters, can't sleep elementary school, extremely shy, joined

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Speaker 3: all my friends for me. Perfectionist in school, perfectionist in

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Speaker 3: art in high school, conversion, decided to follow Jesus forever.

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Speaker 1: She's very matter of fact, with bullet points under each chapter.

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Speaker 1: This timeline makes it quite easy for me to cross

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Speaker 1: reference things I'll find later on. A lot of her

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Speaker 1: journals contain what we've come to expect from Alana. Prayers,

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Speaker 1: so many prayers, and lists of people she's remembering to pray.

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Speaker 3: For, like pray for Alexis, Aaron Newhaud, Katie Ashley, the

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Speaker 3: girl in the Station on the way home from Texas,

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Speaker 3: the girl in the Albertson parking lot and her grandkids.

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Speaker 1: There are frisbee plays and arguments with Mom consultant Mom.

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Speaker 1: And as I continue reading, what leaps out to me

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Speaker 1: the most is just how into God she is. Where

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Speaker 1: you'd expect to find high school gossip and crushes, Alana

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Speaker 1: Gush is with that same energy, but for God, Lord.

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Speaker 3: I love that you're leading me. I love that you

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Speaker 3: asked me here on a date. I love that you

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Speaker 3: desire a greater intimacy with me. I desire it too.

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Speaker 3: I think someday we will be married. Soon. All that

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Speaker 3: I am will be one hundred percent yours. Lead me

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Speaker 3: forever closer to your sacred heart. I love you.

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Speaker 1: Wow, A date with God that's intense. We get a

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Speaker 1: little more in the next paragraph, like a follow up text.

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Speaker 3: Dear God, I want to write you a little ditty

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Speaker 3: note because I'm so tired and distracted. Our date was

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Speaker 3: for me a very delirious thing. I love you. Since

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Speaker 3: you'll be in here all day, I'll call you often.

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Speaker 3: Pray with me that I may not fear and grant

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Speaker 3: that I may have of interior silence. The days are

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Speaker 3: so busy. Let it help and not hinder me from

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Speaker 3: an intimate relationship with you. Have a good day, save

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Speaker 3: me a seat at Mass. Love your girl, Alana.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure by now you've picked up that Alana's experience

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Speaker 1: of Catholicism is a little out of the ordinary. Most

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Speaker 1: Catholics get the basics of their faith from their parents

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Speaker 1: or Catholic school, then fade out from the church or

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Speaker 1: maybe show up once in a while at Christmas or Easter.

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Speaker 1: They don't sneak out during the week to go to

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Speaker 1: Mass or write passionate love letters to God. Alana uses

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Speaker 1: phrases like jumping into the ocean of the Father's love

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Speaker 1: and grant that I may have interior silence. These are

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Speaker 1: spiritual concepts that are lifted right out of the mystical

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Speaker 1: writings of seventeenth century European saints, people who had uniquely

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Speaker 1: powerful experiences of God, who are speaking of their era.

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Speaker 1: Gen Z Millennials don't talk like that, no matter how

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Speaker 1: much they're in love. It's a sunny afternoon and I'm

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Speaker 1: back in Louisville, Colorado, the town where Alana grew up.

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Speaker 1: I'm walking the downtown strip and finally make it to

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Speaker 1: my destination, the local ice cream shop, Sweet Cow, where

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Speaker 1: Alana used to work today. In memory of Alana's birthday,

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Speaker 1: they're giving a proceed of all purchases to support mental

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Speaker 1: health resources. Joyce is sitting outside with some of her friends.

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Speaker 1: They're exchanging stories about Alana. I get a cup of

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Speaker 1: chocolate oatmeal stout and sit down to join them. As

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Speaker 1: they reminisce about Alana. The conversation starts to move from

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Speaker 1: nostalgia to anger.

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Speaker 4: Religion.

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Speaker 1: There's a sense that the church, which was somehow responsible,

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Speaker 1: that its influence on Alana was a big part of

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Speaker 1: why she took her life. I can understand if it's

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Speaker 1: friends and family reckoning with their grief and looking for closure,

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Speaker 1: and the church can be an easy target. But what

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Speaker 1: exactly happened in the church, something that Alana clearly loved

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Speaker 1: that could lead to such a terrible outcome.

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Speaker 5: Well, she left all her journals, but that there's something

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Speaker 5: that was there.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, like Joyce's friends, I'm wondering if her journals might

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Speaker 1: offer some clues. As I leave the ice cream shop,

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Speaker 1: I'm starting to feel the weight of responsibility I have

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Speaker 1: on my shoulders. With Alana's writings, It's time to get

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Speaker 1: back into them.

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Speaker 3: Only one thing is important, eternal salvation only one thing, therefore,

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Speaker 3: is to be feared sin.

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Speaker 1: Like Alana, I didn't grow up in a particularly devout family,

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Speaker 1: but I still had a very intuitive sense of right

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Speaker 1: and wrong as a child. I once felt so guilty

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Speaker 1: for taking the sewing kit from my mom's drawer to

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Speaker 1: play with it in my bedroom that I ran crying

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Speaker 1: to her the next day, begging her to forgive me

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Speaker 1: for stealing. Alana, it seems, was just as careful. There

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Speaker 1: are literally dozens of pages where she writes out her sins.

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Speaker 3: Jealous of others, lied about daylight savings, lied to parents

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Speaker 3: about going to mass, let ultimate keep me from the Lord.

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Speaker 3: Used to be pro choice and for gay marriage, kissophone

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Speaker 3: in the cheek without realizing the damage, Facebook, stalking, insecure,

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Speaker 3: especially in middle school, Obsessed with how I looked, ungrateful

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Speaker 3: for the gifts God had given me, face hair, want

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Speaker 3: it to be somebody else.

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Speaker 1: To be clear, a lot of these are not sins,

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Speaker 1: but Alana think they are.

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Speaker 3: I feel bad I just opened the bathroom door on someone.

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry, Please forgive me.

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Speaker 1: It can be hard being a young person navigating these rules,

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Speaker 1: trying to gauge how bad it was that you took

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Speaker 1: the owing kit or accidentally opened to the bathroom door.

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Speaker 1: As I got older, I learned that there was an

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Speaker 1: intricate system to sin, and I found myself gravitating to

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Speaker 1: obscure documents and websites which laid out all the rules.

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Speaker 1: It was like a secret code. For example, did you

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Speaker 1: know that you have to be at least seven years

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Speaker 1: old what the church calls the age of reason in

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Speaker 1: order to sin. Sins not only break the order of

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Speaker 1: the universe, but also hurt God like personally. Thankfully, there's

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Speaker 1: a way out. If you've committed sins, especially serious intentional

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Speaker 1: ones what Catholics call mortal sins, you can be forgiven

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Speaker 1: by going to confession.

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Speaker 5: So she was always in confession.

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Speaker 4: Did she go to confession like every week? Every week?

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Speaker 5: And I should go up and have her arms cress

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Speaker 5: and I mean she she was the perfect Catholic. And

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Speaker 5: I was like, what do you She was I didn't

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Speaker 5: go to confession this week? And I said, Alana, you

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Speaker 5: don't have to go every week. Why do you think

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Speaker 5: you have to go every week? And she just said

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Speaker 5: I have to and like that was that was younger,

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Speaker 5: But I couldn't believe it. I just started. All I

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Speaker 5: thought was, Wow, she's really really conservative Catholic. This is

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Speaker 5: over the top.

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Speaker 1: Confession is a sacred space. Nothing said there is allowed

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Speaker 1: to leave it, and because of that, it's where you

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Speaker 1: can share your most private details. Go ahead in the

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Speaker 1: name of the Father and of the Son and of

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Speaker 1: the Holy Spirit. Amen, buss me, Father, for ive sinned.

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Speaker 1: It's been about a month since my lost confession. Am

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Speaker 1: I most about I'd go every week, though the recommendation

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Speaker 1: is to go once a month. These are my sins.

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Speaker 1: I yelled at my dad last weekend. We got in

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Speaker 1: a fight and I said some really nasty things to him.

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Speaker 1: I spoke behind one of my coworker's backs. I had

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Speaker 1: impure and lostiful thoughts. Especially. There are plenty of confession

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Speaker 1: guides that help you structure your conversation here, but essentially,

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Speaker 1: you go through your list of sins and mention how

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Speaker 1: frequently they occurred since your last confession, and you've got

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Speaker 1: to confess the mortal ones.

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Speaker 6: This is key, very good, So tell me what the

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Speaker 6: fight was about.

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Speaker 1: The priest might then probe a bit into what you

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Speaker 1: just confessed, give you a bit of informal counseling and advice.

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Speaker 1: Like maybe you should talk to someone about your addiction

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Speaker 1: or see a therapist about your anger.

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Speaker 6: Very well, for your penance, say ten our Fathers and

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Speaker 6: three Hail Mary's, and now please make your active contrition.

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Speaker 1: Oh my God, I'm truly sorry for all my sins

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Speaker 1: with all my heart. So if you've done all of

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Speaker 1: this and are truly honest to God's so for your sins,

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Speaker 1: then when the priest responds with his prayer.

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Speaker 6: And I absolve you from your sins in the name

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Speaker 6: of the Father and of the Son and of the

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Speaker 6: Holy Spirit, Amen.

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Speaker 1: Then your sins are forgiven. You're back in the fold,

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Speaker 1: back to being in a state of grace. For a

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Speaker 1: lot of people, confession is kind of therapeutic, like you've

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Speaker 1: unloaded these burdens and now you're starting from a clean slate.

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Speaker 1: But for me, I remember stressing out about making sure

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Speaker 1: I did everything right, making sure I kept careful inventory

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Speaker 1: of all my sins, making sure I was sorry with

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Speaker 1: all my heart, sometimes even going back to make a

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Speaker 1: second confession if there was any doubt. And I can

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Speaker 1: see how it might have been the same for Alana.

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Speaker 1: She writes about how she's often anxious at mass.

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Speaker 3: Dear Lord, Jesus, I want true and tear your freedom

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Speaker 3: in order to serve, praise and love you. But sometimes

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Speaker 3: I have so much anxiety. Can I be free in

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Speaker 3: the midst of and why during mass? My desires have

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Speaker 3: been so impure that I still feel ashamed? Am I

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Speaker 3: not yet free?

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Speaker 1: Alana's commitment to confession was felt by her siblings. Here's

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Speaker 1: her sister Carissa again.

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Speaker 6: She would text me like, hey, you want to hang out,

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Speaker 6: like we haven't seen each other. I'm like, okay, let's

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Speaker 6: get one. She was like, oh, I was actually thinking

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Speaker 6: we could go to confession.

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Speaker 7: I'm just like, no, that's like not my form of

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Speaker 7: spending time with my sister.

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Speaker 6: Like this feels like a trap.

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Speaker 1: And here's her younger sister.

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Speaker 7: I know, I was in middle school when I started

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Speaker 7: getting pushed to go to confession by my sister, and

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Speaker 7: I thought I had a similar interest because I wanted

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Speaker 7: to be like my sister. And I remember going and

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Speaker 7: like reading this card saying like all the lists of

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Speaker 7: possible sins you could confess, and masturbation was like staring

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Speaker 7: at me. I was yelling, and I thought it was

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Speaker 7: like the most taboo thing ever. I mean, I don't

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Speaker 7: care anymore. But when you're young, it's it's weird you

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Speaker 7: don't talk about it, especially as a woman. I was like,

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Speaker 7: oh my gosh, I have to tell this priest this

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Speaker 7: because God knows I'm doing it, so I'm like, he

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Speaker 7: must know. So I remember doing that, and thirteen year

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Speaker 7: old means just doing my hail Mary's at home. But

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Speaker 7: it was very shameful.

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Speaker 3: When I was in seventh grade, my mom made us

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Speaker 3: go to confession. As I was reading the pamphlet, I

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Speaker 3: saw that word that I learned to hate, that thing

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Speaker 3: that I thought I invented. Well, now that I was

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Speaker 3: past age seven, the age of reason, I was culpable

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Speaker 3: for my sins.

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Speaker 1: Alana's reaction to masturbation was different than her sister's. Where

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Speaker 1: Sophia eventually stopped caring about confessing this, Alana doubled down

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Speaker 1: on it, doing the calculus to measure her culpability all

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Speaker 1: over her journals. Alana obsesses over this subject.

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Speaker 3: At one point in my childhood, I tried to achieve

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Speaker 3: an orgasm for masturbating my armpit. I thought maybe it

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Speaker 3: was just touching my private parts that was bad, and

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Speaker 3: maybe if I could make myself feel good in touching

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Speaker 3: a holier, more innocent part of my body that it

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Speaker 3: wouldn't be a sin. It obviously didn't work. Even before

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Speaker 3: I knew it was a sin, I was ashamed of

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Speaker 3: what I was doing since before I can remember. When

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Speaker 3: I found out it was a sin, I doubled my

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Speaker 3: efforts to try to stop. I counted the days I

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Speaker 3: could go without doing it. Dear Jesus, I have a

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Speaker 3: lot of problems. I think I have a boy's mind,

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Speaker 3: very dirty. I don't know why, but I'm sorry for

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Speaker 3: preferring weird things over you. It's kind of funny, not really,

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Speaker 3: but Father Deed told me not to take myself so seriously.

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Speaker 3: So yeah, but he's right. I just want to praise

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Speaker 3: you and forget about me. You are so good and

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Speaker 3: I love you. You have the power to make me clean,

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Speaker 3: give me a clean mind. I love you. Okay, Now,

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Speaker 3: I will pray for purity.

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Speaker 1: As a teenager, when I learned that masturbation was a

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Speaker 1: mortal sin, also in a pamphlet. These pamphlets seem to

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00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,960
Speaker 1: have gotten a lot of traction. I became fixated with

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Speaker 1: not doing it. Every time i'd feel the urge, I

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Speaker 1: think about how much i'd be hurting God. And it

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Speaker 1: wasn't just fear of hurting him that stopped me from

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Speaker 1: doing it. I learned about really compelling theological and philosophical

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Speaker 1: reasons for why masturbation was wrong. Through some combination of determination, fear,

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Speaker 1: and perfectionism, I managed to stop masturbating for and I'm

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Speaker 1: not kidding, over a decade. But I attributed it to

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Speaker 1: God's grace.

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Speaker 3: Summer two thousand and nine, I was super depressed, but

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Speaker 3: then a miracle happened. I was able to give up

303
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Speaker 3: masturbation at age thirteen till I was twenty. The abstinence

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Speaker 3: lasted seven years.

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Speaker 1: It looks like Ilana had an almost identical experience. She

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Speaker 1: credits her stopping masturbation to a miracle a sign of

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Speaker 1: God's closeness. And it's not just with masturbation that she's

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Speaker 1: so strict with herself. Here's an ambitious list of what

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Speaker 1: she's giving up for land.

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Speaker 3: Twenty four hour fast, one peanut butter sandwich, no dessert,

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Speaker 3: only water, no straightening hair, no popping zits. Cold shower Wednesday,

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Speaker 3: lukewarm showers other days, hot shower Sunday. One blanket, no pillow,

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Speaker 3: no texting in class unless emergency, no YouTube, invite Christida

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Speaker 3: Mass every Saturday night.

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Speaker 1: And in another entry, I.

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Speaker 3: Commit to becoming a disciple of the Lamb. This means

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Speaker 3: participating in monthly meetings with my spiritual director, making a

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Speaker 3: monthly tithe, and two periods of mental prayer each day.

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Speaker 1: Her spiritual director, father David Nicks. Mentions of him are

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Speaker 1: becoming so frequent that it's impossible to ignore.

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Speaker 3: Things to tell Father Dave about come and see pink blanket,

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Speaker 3: lack discipline, with mortification, temptations, desires.

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Speaker 1: Father Dave, as you might remember from Milana's earlier writing,

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Speaker 1: is her priest and spiritual director. They meet regularly, and

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Speaker 1: Alana even goes on a student missionary trip he organizes

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Speaker 1: to Rwanda. In her timeline under a heading titled Father Dave,

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Speaker 1: Alana bullets out, sneak out to meet him, didn't tell parents,

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Speaker 1: first person to really tell about family life. Spiritual directors,

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Speaker 1: and I've had a few, are usually priests who serve

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Speaker 1: as spiritual guides or coaches. You confess to them and

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Speaker 1: they give you advice, homework and reading material to help

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Speaker 1: you on your spiritual journey. Again, these are bonus level

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Speaker 1: Catholic practices. Most Catholics don't have spiritual directors, but Alana

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Speaker 1: seems to be relating to him, almost like a therapist.

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Speaker 1: Father Dave is from Denver, graduated pre med became a paramedic,

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Speaker 1: and then a campus missionary before entering the seminary and

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Speaker 1: getting ordained as a priest at the age of thirty one.

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Speaker 1: His first job out of the gate happens to be

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Speaker 1: at Saint Thom's Alana's church.

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Speaker 3: You sent me, Father Dave to help me out of

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Speaker 3: my dispar at camp. He was the first person I

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Speaker 3: told my temptations to, and through him, I've felt your

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Speaker 3: endless compassion.

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Speaker 1: First person I told my temptations to. I can guess

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Speaker 1: what she's talking about, but I'm not totally sure. And

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Speaker 1: then I find several entries about a friend.

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Speaker 3: I don't really remember how it started, but somewhere along

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Speaker 3: the line during sophomore year, we became great friends. Then

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Speaker 3: something began to stir deep beneath the surface. It was

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Speaker 3: to me, but I didn't know what it was or

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Speaker 3: what was happening. During these times, I always convinced myself

352
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Speaker 3: we were just friends, but some days I imagined us

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Speaker 3: holding hands or sharing a first kiss.

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Speaker 7: In her car.

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Speaker 3: At this point I wanted to tell her how I felt,

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Speaker 3: but it was trapped within me. Father Dave said I

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Speaker 3: should love her more, not less, and pray for her.

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Speaker 1: It seems like Alana is sharing a lot with Father Dave,

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Speaker 1: including her budding feelings for a friend another girl. Could

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Speaker 1: these be the temptations she's talking about. I'm looking through

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Speaker 1: Alana's emails after she passed. Her brother was able to

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Speaker 1: get into her laptop and preserve access to her files

363
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Speaker 1: and accounts. As I go through her inbox, I'm amused

364
00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:05,320
Speaker 1: at how catholic it is. Updates from Saint Tom's heartfelt

365
00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:09,520
Speaker 1: conversations with nuns, newsletters from an anti porn group, and

366
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Speaker 1: many emails with Father Dave. Olana reminds him to share

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Speaker 1: with her the writings of Saint John of the Cross,

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Speaker 1: the medieval mystic, which she does. So it looks like

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Speaker 1: he's been introducing her to the Saints, and since August

370
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,479
Speaker 1: of twenty fifteen, she's been subscribed to Father Dave's blog,

371
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Speaker 1: where he sends her updates every two to three days,

372
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Speaker 1: with posts like this one about confession from April twenty seventeen.

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Speaker 1: I click on it. The post is devoted entirely to masturbation, hell,

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Speaker 1: and sexual purity. Father Dave describes how pornography releases real

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Speaker 1: live demons into your home who have access to your memories,

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Speaker 1: and how looking at porn is actually a slippery slope

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Speaker 1: towards becoming a serial killer. There are a lot of

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00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,439
Speaker 1: religious groups who've made this connection, similar to what's been

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00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,679
Speaker 1: said about violent video games and movies. He goes on

380
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,800
Speaker 1: too a li elaborate on how masturbation and oral sex

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Speaker 1: are mortal sins, worse than pre marital sex. I'm deeply

382
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,000
Speaker 1: familiar with these ideas. The sheer fear of demons from

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Speaker 1: hell was a big reason why I was so compulsively

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Speaker 1: and mortally afraid of masturbating or having sexual thoughts about anyone.

385
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Speaker 1: But I'm baffled by what I read. Next, he writes, quote,

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Speaker 1: I believe that masturbation is a homosexual act. Many men

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Speaker 1: might think that they feel manly by looking at pictures

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Speaker 1: of women and masturbating, but the reality of it is

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Speaker 1: it's a man's hand that is leading a man to ejaculate.

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Speaker 1: Masturbation may be one reason why so many straight men

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Speaker 1: become gay. End quote. I haven't heard this line of

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Speaker 1: reasoning before, and I can only imagine the impact it

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Speaker 1: might have had on Ilana, who's clearly taken to heart

394
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Speaker 1: so many of these kinds of messages about sin, almost compulsively.

395
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Speaker 1: But it brings me back to my own teenage years,

396
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Speaker 1: when I was trying to make sense of it all,

397
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:04,639
Speaker 1: my surging hormones, my confusing emotions, my deep desire to

398
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Speaker 1: follow God. When I met my spiritual director, I finally

399
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:12,840
Speaker 1: found someone who had answers, clear rules to follow, and

400
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,920
Speaker 1: even if I didn't understand everything he said, the way

401
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 1: he said it, with confidence and certainty, like the way

402
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,719
Speaker 1: Father Dave writes it, gave me a deep sense of security.

403
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:27,200
Speaker 1: I go back to Alana's timeline.

404
00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:31,879
Speaker 3: High school, Father Dave's surprise, hugs me at adoration, first

405
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:35,439
Speaker 3: person to come out to tells me God loves me

406
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 3: so much.

407
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,680
Speaker 1: At this point, it's not even funny how much Ilana

408
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,840
Speaker 1: and I have in common. The first person I ever

409
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:46,119
Speaker 1: felt safe talking about my sexual and romantic feelings too

410
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,280
Speaker 1: was also a priest, and like Father Dave, he reacted

411
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,800
Speaker 1: similarly by downplaying it, telling me it was going to

412
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:58,160
Speaker 1: be okay. I remember the sense of relief. Everyone struggles

413
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:02,080
Speaker 1: with things he said to me, confessing all this wasn't

414
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:06,320
Speaker 1: really coming out, but more like sharing a temptation alongside

415
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:10,120
Speaker 1: the many other temptations I was working on. His reassurance

416
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:13,120
Speaker 1: gave me a sense of relief, like it was all

417
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,679
Speaker 1: a work in progress. But as I keep reading, I

418
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,359
Speaker 1: find something I don't expect to come.

419
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:24,520
Speaker 3: Out to tells me God loves me so much. Says

420
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Speaker 3: not to tell parents.

421
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,560
Speaker 1: From Milana's own words, Father Dave told her not to

422
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,879
Speaker 1: tell her parents that she was having romantic feelings towards women.

423
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,520
Speaker 1: Why would he instruct a minor to keep secrets from

424
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:45,360
Speaker 1: her parents. I talked with Alana's mother, Joyce about this.

425
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,560
Speaker 1: She didn't know what secrets were being kept from her,

426
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:52,040
Speaker 1: but she starts to get suspicious about Alana's frequent confessions,

427
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:55,320
Speaker 1: and she eventually discovers that Alana's been meeting with Father

428
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,960
Speaker 1: Dave one on one for spiritual direction. So she books

429
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,320
Speaker 1: an appointment with Father d Ave directly, and Alana joins her.

430
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,000
Speaker 1: Here's how Joyce remembers that meeting.

431
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:09,840
Speaker 5: I said, I'm very concerned you're in here with my daughter,

432
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:14,239
Speaker 5: a minor. I imagine the door was shut. I don't know.

433
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,880
Speaker 5: I have no knowledge of this. I didn't give any consent.

434
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,119
Speaker 5: She was fourteen and you're talking to her about being

435
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:24,399
Speaker 5: a nun and she's young, like my daughter needs to

436
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:28,600
Speaker 5: go to high school and go to college. And I

437
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,680
Speaker 5: don't know what you're doing, Like why why don't why

438
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 5: don't you ask me? Like this is outrageous.

439
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 1: What happened next took her by surprise.

440
00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:42,440
Speaker 5: And he just was really smug and right. He was right,

441
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:44,800
Speaker 5: and he went on and on and on. He wound

442
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:49,040
Speaker 5: up saying that I'm not Catholic really, and Alana is

443
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,920
Speaker 5: worried about her dad and her siblings. You know, Chris

444
00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:57,040
Speaker 5: has a boyfriend and she's too young, And he said,

445
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:58,920
Speaker 5: how come you're letting her have a boyfriend that young?

446
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,280
Speaker 5: And then he gives me the chest, and I was

447
00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:03,720
Speaker 5: just like I was blown away, Like I almost was

448
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,719
Speaker 5: like in shock, like we I came here because what

449
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,520
Speaker 5: you're doing and you have just twisted this whole thing

450
00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 5: and bashed everyone in my family, including me.

451
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:14,200
Speaker 1: Things got heated.

452
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,159
Speaker 5: So I remember saying to him, He's like, you're not

453
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:19,399
Speaker 5: really Catholic. I go up Catholic, but I take what

454
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,320
Speaker 5: I like and leave the rest. I don't like everything

455
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 5: in the Catholic church, and that is fine. I don't

456
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 5: believe in it. I think it's not of Jesus some

457
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,439
Speaker 5: of the things, because well, you're not Catholic. There's no

458
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,440
Speaker 5: such thing as a liberal Catholic. You're Catholic or you're

459
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,000
Speaker 5: not Catholic. And he started like arguing with me, you know,

460
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,840
Speaker 5: and I just remember Alana's head was down. She was like,

461
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:41,320
Speaker 5: you know, scared, she didn't want me to fight or

462
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 5: anything like that.

463
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,840
Speaker 1: And then Alana spoke up and she.

464
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:47,960
Speaker 5: At one point she was like something like please, mommy,

465
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:51,040
Speaker 5: I want to still see him. And then so then

466
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 5: it turned it all around. Like then it was like

467
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:54,520
Speaker 5: I said something. I felt bad for her, so I

468
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 5: said something like she can, she can talk to you,

469
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:00,400
Speaker 5: but I'm I'm going to be outside way with the

470
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:05,600
Speaker 5: door open. And then I remember, okay. And then every

471
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 5: time I tried to get that to happen, you know,

472
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:11,239
Speaker 5: he texts me a time and I'd say, well, I've

473
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:13,800
Speaker 5: got three kids I'm taking to tap dance and ballet,

474
00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:17,000
Speaker 5: I'm a son to basketball. Like it never coordinated, and

475
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 5: he didn't try hard all to make it work.

476
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:29,000
Speaker 1: As outrageous as Father Dave's behavior might look, I can

477
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:32,200
Speaker 1: totally relate to it. As I learned about my faith

478
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,200
Speaker 1: from my spiritual director, I saw it as my holy

479
00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:39,480
Speaker 1: obligation to police who was Catholic and who wasn't. People

480
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,959
Speaker 1: needed to know the errors of their ways, and if

481
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,840
Speaker 1: I didn't say anything, I could be culpable for their sins.

482
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 1: It also makes sense to me now why Father Dave

483
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:52,600
Speaker 1: may have told Ilana not to tell her parents. They

484
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,560
Speaker 1: would have accepted her, maybe even encouraged her to pursue

485
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,800
Speaker 1: a same sex relationship that would have been going against

486
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:03,760
Speaker 1: church teaching. Three months later, Father Dave is reassigned from

487
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: Saint Thom's to another parish in the archdiocese. Joyce is

488
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,280
Speaker 1: relieved that he's out of the picture. But for Alana,

489
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:13,280
Speaker 1: who's in tenth grade at the time, she's losing the

490
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 1: only person she feels safe with, the only one who

491
00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:23,240
Speaker 1: knows her secret. As I returned to the journals, I

492
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,800
Speaker 1: stumble across several drafts of a letter written by Alana.

493
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:30,440
Speaker 3: Dear Archbishop Aquilla, I would like to express gratitude for

494
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:33,520
Speaker 3: the loving fatherhood of Father David Nicks, who was just

495
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,240
Speaker 3: recently asked to leave Saint John the twenty third.

496
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:38,920
Speaker 1: That's his fourth church assignment in three years.

497
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,440
Speaker 3: I know that in the past he has run into

498
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 3: many difficulties. You have probably heard many complaints and accusations

499
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:46,400
Speaker 3: about him, and not many good things.

500
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:48,120
Speaker 2: I do not know.

501
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:51,280
Speaker 3: Why, but I strongly believe that God chose Father Dave

502
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,840
Speaker 3: to be an instrument for the salvation of my soul.

503
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:56,760
Speaker 3: I met him when I was fourteen years old, right

504
00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 3: as I had dedicated my life to Christ. Dave offered

505
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 3: to be my spiritual father. He taught me to pray,

506
00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:08,320
Speaker 3: to read Scripture, to go to Mass and confession. He

507
00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:10,080
Speaker 3: was one who told me to volunteer at the Gift

508
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:14,200
Speaker 3: of Mary Shelter. After he left Saint Thom's, he promised

509
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:17,400
Speaker 3: he would always be my spiritual father. He has counseled

510
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,800
Speaker 3: me through doubt and temptation. When I was in danger

511
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,360
Speaker 3: of leaving the church out of despair, by the grace

512
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,200
Speaker 3: of God, Father Dave was there.

513
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,680
Speaker 1: The average church assignment for a Catholic priest is six years,

514
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:32,520
Speaker 1: but Father Dave is averaging a little over a year

515
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,920
Speaker 1: per assignment, and his shortest one, according to the records,

516
00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:41,240
Speaker 1: lasts less than five months. That doesn't seem right. Alta's

517
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:43,600
Speaker 1: defense of Father Dave in writing to his boss, the

518
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 1: Archbishop makes me realize just how important he was to her,

519
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:51,760
Speaker 1: and yet his frequent reassignments raise a lot of questions.

520
00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:56,040
Speaker 1: According to the Catholic News Agency, Father Dave was initially

521
00:31:56,080 --> 00:32:00,880
Speaker 1: held back from ordination because of quote psychological issues. Once

522
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:04,360
Speaker 1: he was ordained, it seems he couldn't hold down a job,

523
00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:07,160
Speaker 1: and while the reasons for why he was moved around

524
00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:10,240
Speaker 1: aren't totally clear, at least one of them, according to

525
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:13,200
Speaker 1: an email he wrote to Alana, involved a spat with

526
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:17,080
Speaker 1: a parishioner in which the police were called. The Archdiocese

527
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:21,360
Speaker 1: of Denver describes how quote, after four failed parish assignments,

528
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 1: it became very difficult to find a pastor who would

529
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:28,160
Speaker 1: receive him end quote. By twenty fourteen, Father Dave was

530
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,520
Speaker 1: seeking ministry outside of Denver, including out a Latin mass

531
00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:35,160
Speaker 1: community in Virginia, But according to the Archdiocese of Denver,

532
00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:38,280
Speaker 1: in each case he was asked by these other dioceses

533
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:42,840
Speaker 1: to return to Denver, and then I stumble across something else.

534
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 1: It's a journal entry that Alana wrote years later, reflecting

535
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:51,160
Speaker 1: on her meetings with Father Dave. It's clear that this

536
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:54,520
Speaker 1: man played a big role in her adolescent life, and

537
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,200
Speaker 1: even as a young adult, she's still processing it.

538
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 3: I took the bus to see him, sat in a office.

539
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,080
Speaker 3: I felt uncomfortable with my short shorts and bare legs.

540
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:08,640
Speaker 3: He didn't say anything, though he was covered in black glasses,

541
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:11,880
Speaker 3: hair cut close to the skull. He was young and

542
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:14,800
Speaker 3: funny and passionate. He noticed me.

543
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:16,160
Speaker 6: He knew me.

544
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,880
Speaker 3: He knew I loved God. He knew I did not

545
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:23,320
Speaker 3: want to marry a man. I was fourteen years old.

546
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:26,000
Speaker 3: I didn't tell my parents where I was going. I

547
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,400
Speaker 3: didn't want anyone to know why I loved God so much.

548
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:33,280
Speaker 3: He forgave my unspeakable sin. He took my defilement and

549
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:37,600
Speaker 3: buried it. You ought to pray the Rosary every day. Later,

550
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,880
Speaker 3: he said, I'd better pray it five times per day

551
00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:45,240
Speaker 3: to keep the temptation away. He wanted me to be holy, unblemished.

552
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,360
Speaker 3: He called me a diamond in the rough, the rough

553
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:56,120
Speaker 3: being my family. I came to despise my family. Only

554
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:59,239
Speaker 3: he was holy. I did everything he told me to do.

555
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:02,200
Speaker 3: They cheered. When he said he was leaving.

556
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:11,600
Speaker 1: I cried. In the wrong hands, A secret can exercise

557
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:15,760
Speaker 1: an enormous amount of control even divide someone from their family.

558
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,400
Speaker 1: I flashed back to the relationship I had with my

559
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:26,240
Speaker 1: spiritual director. By college, I was meeting regularly with Father William,

560
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,400
Speaker 1: confessing to him and talking to him about my problems,

561
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,840
Speaker 1: and like Alana, I had this confusing part of me

562
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,719
Speaker 1: that I had never acted out on or told any

563
00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:39,960
Speaker 1: of my friends or family about. One day, Father William,

564
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:44,160
Speaker 1: my spiritual director, sat me down. We'd been talking about

565
00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:46,919
Speaker 1: me becoming a priest for a while, and I knew

566
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:50,800
Speaker 1: this day would come. He looked me in the eyes, smiled,

567
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:55,280
Speaker 1: and carefully asked me, Simon, are you ready to answer

568
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:59,120
Speaker 1: the Lord's call? Will you join the seminary in September.

569
00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:02,880
Speaker 1: My heart was pounding. I wanted to leap up and

570
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:06,440
Speaker 1: say yes. The thought of dedicating my life to serving

571
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:08,880
Speaker 1: God and his people as a priest gave me so

572
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:13,880
Speaker 1: much joy, But I held back that part of me

573
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:17,279
Speaker 1: that could never tell lies. Knew that something had to

574
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:20,960
Speaker 1: be said. There's something I have to tell you, Father William.

575
00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:26,520
Speaker 1: What's that? He asked, Well, for as long as I

576
00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:34,400
Speaker 1: can remember, I've struggled with some different sexual feelings. His

577
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:39,359
Speaker 1: smile faded. Of what nature? He asked I looked down

578
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,759
Speaker 1: of the same sex, I said, trying to avoid any

579
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:48,440
Speaker 1: loaded terms. Father William's face became like a stone wall.

580
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:52,400
Speaker 1: He took out his notebook and his ballpoint pen, wrote

581
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:56,279
Speaker 1: something on it and handed it to me. Take this,

582
00:35:56,440 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 1: he said. These people will fix you back when you're healed.

583
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:09,520
Speaker 4: I will follow you, follow you wherever you may go.

584
00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:10,800
Speaker 4: Next time.

585
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:17,120
Speaker 8: On Dear Alana, I believe that homosexuality is linked with

586
00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:23,440
Speaker 8: difficulties in the early relationship with the same sex parents.

587
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:26,960
Speaker 6: We're allowing people to be who they want to be.

588
00:36:27,360 --> 00:36:28,600
Speaker 6: We're not imposing.

589
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 1: We're not forcing people to change.

590
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:32,879
Speaker 6: We're just exploring.

591
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:41,080
Speaker 4: I will follow you ever since you touched my head.

592
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:47,560
Speaker 1: Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon

593
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:51,480
Speaker 1: Kentfong and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association

594
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,680
Speaker 1: with a Slapped Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.

595
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:58,160
Speaker 1: It was produced by Laur Puliski, who also composed the music.

596
00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:03,000
Speaker 1: Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our

597
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 1: supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup

598
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:11,320
Speaker 1: and Vanity Set, Sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice

599
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,319
Speaker 1: actor is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will

600
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 1: Follow You is Bye to Loose. Show notes and resources

601
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:20,759
Speaker 1: can be found on our website Dearlana dot com. If

602
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:23,600
Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow the show,

603
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:24,800
Speaker 1: rate and review.

604
00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:33,839
Speaker 4: There is in notion to d montin so High Keep

605
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:39,359
Speaker 4: Me Away Away from the Long.

606
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:54,239
Speaker 1: Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If

607
00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:57,600
Speaker 1: you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus

608
00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:00,640
Speaker 1: so you can binge the entire series right now, ad

609
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Speaker 1: free head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot com

610
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