Speaker 1: What's your love language?
Speaker 2: Quality time and words of affirmation.
Speaker 3: Acts of service in my love language, be competent and
Speaker 3: be of use. Help me that she makes me know.
Speaker 3: But that's so scary because because then someone will suck
Speaker 3: everywhere else. And then if they do that, that's like
Speaker 3: the like the.
Speaker 2: Seventeen red flags.
Speaker 1: But but they do that.
Speaker 4: Hey, guys, thanks for watching. Today's episode is brought to
Speaker 4: you by boost Mobile. I'm very excited about today's guests
Speaker 4: because I love her. She has built a career on
Speaker 4: telling the truth. Whether she's singing about heartbreak, healing, sobriety,
Speaker 4: or the messiness of just being human. Her music resonates
Speaker 4: because she is willing to say the things that a
Speaker 4: lot of people won't say and are afraid to. She's
Speaker 4: earned multiple Grammy nominations, collaborated with artists like Justin Bieber,
Speaker 4: Lil Wayne, Ari Lennox, and established her as one of
Speaker 4: the most distinctive voices of her generation. Now, the Toronto
Speaker 4: native is back with her latest album, A Little Vengeance.
Speaker 1: Jesse Rays is here in real life. Jesse so mud
Speaker 1: than you. I love you?
Speaker 2: How are you? Baby?
Speaker 1: I'm good, I'm tired, but you so tired?
Speaker 2: What are they making you do?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, too much. But we're here and I'm
Speaker 1: happy to see you and I love seeing it.
Speaker 2: I love seeing you too, baby. You know, I was
Speaker 2: thinking this morning that you were coming in. I was like, damn.
Speaker 4: I felt a little bad because the last time, well,
Speaker 4: I saw you at your concert.
Speaker 2: We had a great time, so your parents met the
Speaker 2: dog all that. We'll get into that later. But the
Speaker 2: time before that was you came to see me. I R. L. Booth,
Speaker 2: who were doing the pod, but a small version of.
Speaker 4: The pod at the BET Awards, Oh right, right, and
Speaker 4: you popped in for a second.
Speaker 2: It was a quick little interview.
Speaker 1: And I love that photo, the photo that we got
Speaker 1: that is.
Speaker 4: Really it's a cute photo.
Speaker 2: Do you remember anything else from that day or not.
Speaker 3: I'm sure I cried, which is very did cry.
Speaker 2: So you're okay with it.
Speaker 4: In my mind, I'm like, damn, I should have I
Speaker 4: should have checked on.
Speaker 2: Her after and I didn't.
Speaker 1: Oh you're sweet.
Speaker 4: I feel bad that I didn't check on you after
Speaker 4: because you said you had just gone through some heartbreak
Speaker 4: and you like cried talking about it, and then.
Speaker 1: I was like, I hate that for me. That's what
Speaker 1: I was crying about I was crying about a bum.
Speaker 2: I hate that for me.
Speaker 4: By the way, you wouldn't be the first woman to
Speaker 4: cry over a bum. It happens all the time every day.
Speaker 4: Right now, somebody's crying over somebody right now. That sucks.
Speaker 2: That sucks.
Speaker 1: If it's you and you're listening.
Speaker 4: Wipe your fucking piers bit.
Speaker 1: So bump it will be.
Speaker 4: But this was like a year ago, right, How could
Speaker 4: you have been crying over abum.
Speaker 2: A year ago?
Speaker 1: How?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Because you're so dope and and funny and great and talented.
Speaker 2: Like what is it bad? Bad choosing?
Speaker 4: Because you seem smart and you and you're tapped it,
Speaker 4: so you're not You're not totally surprised by somebody's behavior, right, Like,
Speaker 4: are you choosing bad?
Speaker 2: Are you?
Speaker 1: I think?
Speaker 3: I think I at that time I was choosing bad.
Speaker 3: And also I fell in love by accident, Like I
Speaker 3: didn't slipped on it. I kind of slipped. Yeah, I
Speaker 3: stand that sounds crazy.
Speaker 1: It was an accident.
Speaker 3: I thought I had my shit together and I saw
Speaker 3: the cards on the table and I was like, oh,
Speaker 3: this is this is this is a fucking flaming red flag.
Speaker 3: This is a flaming red flag, so like keep it
Speaker 3: at bay, and I did, and then and then.
Speaker 2: We always think we could control that.
Speaker 1: What a joke.
Speaker 3: I think I've learned my lesson now that I'm like,
Speaker 3: I just you have to be Actually, I don't think
Speaker 3: I know I've learned my lessons, but I almost I
Speaker 3: am my sling shots shot over here. And then I
Speaker 3: became a tyrant where I was like I see a bage,
Speaker 3: like fuck yo, I see a fucking like the smallest
Speaker 3: thing that I'm like, no, no, no, And then obviously
Speaker 3: that's not helpful.
Speaker 4: What is a flag for you? What is a flag
Speaker 4: that you might It doesn't have to be him per se,
Speaker 4: but like the flags?
Speaker 2: What are the.
Speaker 1: Flags multiple baby moms?
Speaker 3: Is a flag? Lack of accountability a flag devout? This
Speaker 3: is fucked, but it's my truth. When someone let me
Speaker 3: preface this by saying, I love I'm very spiritual. Love spirituality,
Speaker 3: love reading about philosophy and how they how they intermingle.
Speaker 3: I like learning about theology, but I don't love institutions.
Speaker 3: And I grew up very like traditionally my mom and
Speaker 3: my mom thank god, my parents are very liberal.
Speaker 1: They're open minded.
Speaker 3: So even still I was still like free to have
Speaker 3: my own relationship with the divine, but I don't like institutions.
Speaker 3: So when someone is profoundly devout is a little bit
Speaker 3: of a red flag for me.
Speaker 1: No shade.
Speaker 3: You know, people do whatever you got to do, that's
Speaker 3: your business. But however you find your connection, whatever you
Speaker 3: find your connection.
Speaker 1: It's fine.
Speaker 3: But but but that scares me a little bit when
Speaker 3: someone is like.
Speaker 4: Because you question, maybe they are, I don't know. It's
Speaker 4: it's a bigger converse.
Speaker 3: It's a deeper conversation, and it's stickiest because they would
Speaker 3: say you never talk about politics and religion, because I
Speaker 3: could talk about this hours. Because first off, I know
Speaker 3: with the Socrates quote, I know, I know that I
Speaker 3: know nothing at all, So I'll start there. I know nothing,
Speaker 3: and your relationship with the divine is yours. But then
Speaker 3: when men intermingle in history, and then books get edited
Speaker 3: and the agendas get pushed, and then equality gets questioned,
Speaker 3: and and then when love gets weaponized, that for me
Speaker 3: is just very for me.
Speaker 1: For my internal thing, love cannot be weaponized. So further
Speaker 1: to be institutions that are weaponizing love and then you
Speaker 1: fully subscribe, that to me makes me a little hesitant
Speaker 1: to trust your judgment.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but no shade.
Speaker 3: And what's beautiful is that some people are able to
Speaker 3: exist in that world but still hold space for their truths.
Speaker 3: Like I've had conversations with priests where I've been able
Speaker 3: to like express my hesitations and where I see flaws
Speaker 3: and when there's respect, you can have all sorts of conversations.
Speaker 3: And he held space for me to be able to
Speaker 3: express that when I was I was a child, I
Speaker 3: was younger, but I was able to have it. And
Speaker 3: then he echoed something that my father had echoed a
Speaker 3: long time ago too, which is a you can't, you can't.
Speaker 1: And again, I don't judge it. It's just I don't.
Speaker 3: It's only taken into consideration if I'm considering someone as
Speaker 3: a partner, because then they're going to be directly you know.
Speaker 3: But if it's someone in passing our friend, there's no judgment.
Speaker 3: You do do whatever you want to do, no judgment.
Speaker 3: Because my dad was like, you cannot you can't judge
Speaker 3: or fault someone for however they form a relationship with
Speaker 3: the divine because it is personal, so you can't.
Speaker 1: You just can't.
Speaker 3: And also things are going to resonate for people like
Speaker 3: you don't have to. I don't think you have to
Speaker 3: be like I subscribe.
Speaker 1: To this so I agree with everything. I don't. I
Speaker 1: think that's so unfair to get someone to commit because
Speaker 1: there are.
Speaker 2: What's wrong with our country right that his country right now?
Speaker 1: Yeah, because people feel like they're in So now I
Speaker 1: have to support.
Speaker 2: All these things. Are you crazy?
Speaker 4: Are you crazy on either side?
Speaker 2: Are you crazy on both sides?
Speaker 1: Because yeahs everywhere?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that make those sort of generalizations without holding space
Speaker 3: for human.
Speaker 4: You have the greatest hair, Jesse, thank you?
Speaker 2: Like who could just do that?
Speaker 4: Who could just flip her hair around in an interview
Speaker 4: and it just lands right?
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 5: My hair?
Speaker 4: Did the lady come over and and Brittany's like push this,
Speaker 4: I'm like, okay, it's like whatever you do your hair,
Speaker 4: It's just do you appreciate this hair? You?
Speaker 1: Yea, I appreciate the hair.
Speaker 2: Thank God for it?
Speaker 1: Yeah I do.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 3: When I was a kid, I was reckless. I don't
Speaker 3: give a ship. But yeah, but now and now I've
Speaker 3: come to appreciate.
Speaker 2: You appreciate it's pretty good.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 4: Thank you as well to say that you gotta thank
Speaker 4: the parents. Okay, so it's okay. So you were You
Speaker 4: were down because of you ignored red flags.
Speaker 1: I was down because ignored red flags.
Speaker 2: You were down bad. You're crying on the pod about
Speaker 2: about a bum.
Speaker 1: Yeah so much.
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Speaker 2: But I'm sure that serves the music.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it couldn't be me. Kime out of that?
Speaker 2: Is that what it was? That song is so good.
Speaker 4: Thank you for somebody who's new to Jesse Reyes, because
Speaker 4: they're still every day new people can I'm into the table,
Speaker 4: by the way, I was so excited to be at
Speaker 4: your concert. It was so fun for me, not only
Speaker 4: because I love the album, and then watching you in
Speaker 4: your element. You've always been great as a performer, but
Speaker 4: watching the crowd grow and then the crowd know you
Speaker 4: better in a weird way, you just have a It's
Speaker 4: just so organic and such a dope thing to watch.
Speaker 2: And then you go backstage and.
Speaker 4: You're with You're saying, your parents are there, the dog's there,
Speaker 4: your team is there. Like you've really curated your world
Speaker 4: very organically to who you are, and that is so
Speaker 4: joyful to see.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 2: Do you feel that inside, like from the inside of
Speaker 2: your world? Does it feel like that?
Speaker 1: Not as much as I need it to be really? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Wow, So because I've always been a workaholic and it's
Speaker 3: been sustainable.
Speaker 1: Actually no, it's just things have shifted and shifted a
Speaker 1: lot for how I felt.
Speaker 3: But I was always able to bring my parents on tour,
Speaker 3: and like, I'm so privileged and spoiled by being I
Speaker 3: don't miss home because I've been able to bring home.
Speaker 3: I'm able to work that way because I'm able to
Speaker 3: bring home and bring my hearts.
Speaker 1: Like my love with me.
Speaker 3: But this tour was the first time that I was
Speaker 3: like far removed from them, and I felt it, and
Speaker 3: I was like, damn, Like, I don't I want to
Speaker 3: go home. I haven't felt that in nine years.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think i've ever I've ever I like,
Speaker 3: I generally like touring. I generally like that. Anyways, it
Speaker 3: was the first time that I was like I'm yeah,
Speaker 3: I do that. I miss home. I miss home.
Speaker 4: That's interesting. So but when I was there, your parents
Speaker 4: were there, and the dog was.
Speaker 1: There, that was America.
Speaker 2: Oh got it.
Speaker 3: And then yeah, so it was fine. And then we shifted.
Speaker 3: And then the shift is kind of what rocked me
Speaker 3: for the first time. And I never really felt that weakness.
Speaker 3: And then I started doing more inventory and I feel
Speaker 3: like I've done this inventory lightly in the last year
Speaker 3: or two year, year and a half that like, yes,
Speaker 3: I've been blessed with a great career and I'm great,
Speaker 3: but everything else suffers for it, you know, like when
Speaker 3: you're you know, and that's not it's a very common trope.
Speaker 3: I'm not saying anything that's like brand new. When you
Speaker 3: when you work a lot, your work life balance is
Speaker 3: a joke. And like relationships suffer, your your you're just
Speaker 3: everything and it's hard to allot time. It's hard to
Speaker 3: even prioritize anything because if something with work comes up,
Speaker 3: that's an opportunity that you can't say no to. For
Speaker 3: the bigger picture, it's like I gotta miss his birthday.
Speaker 3: I got to like it's just difficult. And and after
Speaker 3: December of last year, when we finished those six months,
Speaker 3: my body was like exhausted and it held out. My
Speaker 3: body's good to me, like for six months, held out.
Speaker 3: When I finally took a break, which normally happens after
Speaker 3: two where your body will get sick because of everything,
Speaker 3: it's been like countering. Yeah, but like it charged me,
Speaker 3: Like I was sick for like a month, and and
Speaker 3: then I realized, I'm like, I'm exhausted and that I'm
Speaker 3: kind of tired. I am sleep isn't fai. My soul
Speaker 3: is tired. To play with emotions to this degree that
Speaker 3: I play with them is difficult to talk about them.
Speaker 3: That's why I was like, I cried shocking, because because
Speaker 3: they're always here, They're always you know.
Speaker 1: And I realized.
Speaker 3: I looked around, I'm like, well, other artists take breaks,
Speaker 3: and in nine years, I haven't really done that. I
Speaker 3: have the bat max I've taken is out of my
Speaker 3: own volition. Max I've taken in seven days. Anything over
Speaker 3: seven days, Yeah, anything over seven days has been because
Speaker 3: I got fucked, because I was sick, or because my
Speaker 3: body like.
Speaker 1: Called it for me.
Speaker 4: It wasn't will Yeah, But to say.
Speaker 3: Because you know, there's people I didn't there's people that
Speaker 3: could be Okay, I'm not touching my phone, I'm not
Speaker 3: touching an email.
Speaker 1: I'm not like.
Speaker 3: Even I've just always which is fine, which is which
Speaker 3: is It's a quality I get from just having that
Speaker 3: sort of work ethic and watching my parents work. My
Speaker 3: dad in twenty years didn't miss a day of work.
Speaker 3: You missed one day, You missed my one day to
Speaker 3: go to my brother's graduation.
Speaker 1: That's it.
Speaker 3: So like I get this, they go, So that's how
Speaker 3: I you know, but it's not sustainable. It's not sustainable.
Speaker 3: And also when I see other people around me that
Speaker 3: have been able to do the like the long game,
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, you take breaks, you take breaks, and
Speaker 3: you balance.
Speaker 1: So I feel like I'm dude, for a fucking is
Speaker 1: that coming?
Speaker 2: Are you gonna do it?
Speaker 1: Fuck?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: What are you gonna do? What is that?
Speaker 1: Nothing? Nothing? Fucking nothing.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna get a burner phone. I'm so excited. I
Speaker 3: don't want to see Instagram for like, I don't want
Speaker 3: to see Instagram. I want see taktok. I want to
Speaker 3: see my fucking Gmail. I just want books and space
Speaker 3: and woods and family and my dog.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and how long are we talking?
Speaker 3: I don't know, as long as you need, long as
Speaker 3: I need. And then that's why I said, I'm like,
Speaker 3: it might be retirement. And then people around me.
Speaker 1: Like, are you fucking crazy? That's like saying a fish
Speaker 1: isn't gonna swim anymore. You create in your sleep.
Speaker 3: And I was like, yeah, but but I also don't want,
Speaker 3: and men makes plans and God laughs, so like, who
Speaker 3: the fuck knows? I can say retirement and then I'm
Speaker 3: gonna miss it in two months and come back. Maybe
Speaker 3: that's all I need, or maybe I need more, but
Speaker 3: I also don't want. I don't want. I'm just with
Speaker 3: the mercy of God and whatever happens. But right now,
Speaker 3: right now, I'm tired. I told my squad, I was like,
Speaker 3: I'm not doing a fucking massive to y'all are going
Speaker 3: to get ten shows out of me max. So we're
Speaker 3: working that, which I don't think is going to happen
Speaker 3: to a little after Ideally I was going to be
Speaker 3: done in June.
Speaker 1: That's not happening anymore. But it's okay. Compromise is fine.
Speaker 2: You're already compromising.
Speaker 3: Isn't that some shit I wasn't supposed to, But it's fine.
Speaker 3: This is the last compromise. But it's going to be
Speaker 3: ten shows and then fucking off.
Speaker 2: If there's only ten shows, I do recommend people get
Speaker 2: to them because if you.
Speaker 4: Haven't been to a Jesse Rayo show, it's so good.
Speaker 4: You're so good on stage, You're so free and so
Speaker 4: authentic and thanks pretty great, thank you so still even
Speaker 4: when you were in those times, Yeah, I was like,
Speaker 4: is it still fun for you on the stage?
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, but but I've just never felt the longing
Speaker 3: to go. I'm just it's just such a week it
Speaker 3: was in city. It almost felt dirty because you do
Speaker 3: love it, because I yeah, so to feel that, I
Speaker 3: was like, what the fuck is this? Like I've never
Speaker 3: I've just never, for damn near a decade, I never
Speaker 3: felt the like.
Speaker 1: I don't go home home my mom, like I never.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I can't believe that you has this is It's
Speaker 4: taken you this long to realize maybe you need.
Speaker 1: A little roots. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Then you're so, I don't know, like self reflective and
Speaker 4: like you I don't know you.
Speaker 1: Think ship you know why too?
Speaker 2: I think because you don't.
Speaker 4: It's not like you work in a factory or your adoptor.
Speaker 1: It's a creature.
Speaker 4: No, it's because you're a creative. And so the creative
Speaker 4: who is what you what you are in real life
Speaker 4: is a creative. You also do that as work.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I see what you're saying.
Speaker 4: You know, if you have a clear job, like that's
Speaker 4: my job and I go home, you could be if
Speaker 4: I worked for three hundred days straight, I need to go.
Speaker 2: I need to break.
Speaker 4: You like, you're creative and so it's just it's right,
Speaker 4: It's just you don't shut it off. So even if
Speaker 4: you're not working on the album. When you go home,
Speaker 4: you are working on the album. It's like a non
Speaker 4: stop think So where is the line?
Speaker 2: Where is the line?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 4: You know, after you go take a break, you know
Speaker 4: what them creative juices are going to be doing.
Speaker 2: After that, You're gonna explode.
Speaker 1: Maybe we'll see. That's funny, like retention, like seeing her.
Speaker 2: Attention, something might happen, you never know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, well see what was the.
Speaker 4: Documentary that Beyonce did that one time when she was
Speaker 4: floating in the water and it was a similar time
Speaker 4: in her and she said, I had never taken a vacation.
Speaker 2: She had the same You should go watch it. I
Speaker 2: don't know, I feel like there's something in there for you.
Speaker 4: She did that documentary at a period she said, I
Speaker 4: went from Destiny's Child to my solo to this to
Speaker 4: that to this, and I had she had never taken
Speaker 4: a break. Was her first time taking a break, and
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Speaker 4: like was your Yeah, there's parallels and just that that
Speaker 4: feeling of like, fuck, how do you?
Speaker 2: I don't know anyway You're gonna be ok?
Speaker 1: Amen?
Speaker 4: Amen, you made some changes in your life to the
Speaker 4: past couple of years. It's just like sober now.
Speaker 1: The other thing. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I think maybe that's also what's made it a little
Speaker 3: bit more apparent. Maybe that's why it was a blind spot,
Speaker 3: because I had that lubrication to like help me go,
Speaker 3: and now the lubrication is not there, So maybe that's
Speaker 3: why it's more.
Speaker 1: It's clear.
Speaker 2: What made you decide.
Speaker 1: To stop drinking?
Speaker 2: Mhm.
Speaker 3: The the I've drank for a long time.
Speaker 2: I started eleven.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and then when Yes He came out, we had
Speaker 3: an album release party in La and everyone and their
Speaker 3: mother came. Every morning, town came and I had a
Speaker 3: bottle of Jamison glued to my hand all night, and
Speaker 3: I'm like, I used to bartend for years. I was
Speaker 3: a bottle service school. When you can count money drunk,
Speaker 3: You're you're you're good, and so that I was always
Speaker 3: like I'm fine, mind you at that point, and okay,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna finish the store and then I'll tell you
Speaker 3: the other thing that added. So I was fine, and
Speaker 3: then that I'll tell you some more shit off camera
Speaker 3: that happened at that party. But some shit happened, and
Speaker 3: I ended up.
Speaker 1: With no shoes.
Speaker 3: I ended up with no shoes in fucking like like
Speaker 3: dead and like.
Speaker 1: Damn, you're dead.
Speaker 3: And my manager saw me, busy, I me, and he
Speaker 3: was like, Jesse's a little out of it, like we
Speaker 3: should get the fuck out of here. Got me out
Speaker 3: of there, thank god. My folks were in town. My
Speaker 3: mom opened the door, which is crazy. She was at
Speaker 3: my house, she was she was at home. She opened
Speaker 3: the door, and like I can only imagine because obviously
Speaker 3: I'm out, but I can only like she's done this
Speaker 3: her whole life, my whole life, Like dude, I've been
Speaker 3: come home drunk since I was like fourteen, and she's
Speaker 3: never been like yeah, she she was just really she
Speaker 3: was sad, but like, okay, it is what it is.
Speaker 3: And then and then I'll tell you some other stuff
Speaker 3: that happened at home after and then it was a
Speaker 3: hangover that lasted like two days, and when I finally
Speaker 3: woke up, I was like, holy fuck, that everything could
Speaker 3: have gone left at that party, Like everyone's got cameras,
Speaker 3: everything could have gone and everyone was there, every there's
Speaker 3: a lot that could have gone left. And then there
Speaker 3: goes eclips my album. It clips things that could eclipse
Speaker 3: my career off of one fucking like stupid viral moment
Speaker 3: where you're not where, you're not sound, mind like, and
Speaker 3: so it just put a lot of shit into perspective,
Speaker 3: and my liver was like cheering for this decision. It
Speaker 3: was like please, like we're tired. That's that's how it felt.
Speaker 3: And then also I've had experiences in life where I
Speaker 3: was in love with someone that had intense substance abuse
Speaker 3: issues and we were together for years on and off
Speaker 3: for fucking years, and that shit was hell, And I
Speaker 3: think maybe that's I think the majority of my trauma
Speaker 3: comes from that time and having to deal with him
Speaker 3: and like how fucked up shit got. Because I wasn't
Speaker 3: an angry drunk, I wasn't alike, but it shit just
Speaker 3: got really dark, really dark. So I think that in
Speaker 3: tandem with being like, Okay, it's time. You've done this
Speaker 3: for this long, maybe it's time. And I also haven't
Speaker 3: smoked me for a long time either, so like I
Speaker 3: was like, maybe it's just time, and I feel good.
Speaker 3: It's difficult sometimes, but I feel like three years three years. Yeah,
Speaker 3: isn't that nuts?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Three years three years?
Speaker 2: Wow?
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
Speaker 2: It's so just you just make the decision and you
Speaker 2: start right away.
Speaker 1: I work that way. I'm a I'm a.
Speaker 3: I can't do increments. I have to go and then
Speaker 3: lock in, just cut it.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 2: You probably like that with relationships too, right, Like when
Speaker 2: it's over, it's over.
Speaker 1: When it's over, it's over.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't go back. Oh maybe you do.
Speaker 4: You're like, you know, your blind spots are crazy?
Speaker 1: Wasn't that ridiculous saying that sucks? Uh?
Speaker 4: But normally.
Speaker 1: I got nothing.
Speaker 3: Damn Usually I can be Usually like seventy five percent
Speaker 3: of the time, I'm like, this is what it is,
Speaker 3: y yeah, and I can move on.
Speaker 4: So what do you notice about yourself that's different? People
Speaker 4: say when they stop drinking their skin or this or
Speaker 4: their clarity, or you're the whites in your eyes are whiter,
Speaker 4: like what do you.
Speaker 2: I don't know. Have you seen a difference, so you
Speaker 2: feel a difference in your body or anything?
Speaker 3: I feel good. Uh, it's nice to not worry. I
Speaker 3: said this before. I was like, it's nice to not
Speaker 3: worry about emotions driving my car because when I would drink,
Speaker 3: emotions would drive the car, and then logic is in
Speaker 3: the back like fucking going from side to side, and
Speaker 3: emotions are fucking rip in corners and doing donuts. And
Speaker 3: so now I've switched and yeah, logic's driving, emotions are
Speaker 3: still in the whip. They're just like they're just in
Speaker 3: a backseat.
Speaker 2: So good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's nice.
Speaker 3: So that that I feel good. I feel good that
Speaker 3: I've been able to achieve this new realm where I
Speaker 3: trust myself more.
Speaker 4: Mm hmmm hmmm and know with And it was it hard,
Speaker 4: like with rurals or anything like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was hard with It was hard. Was like.
Speaker 3: The first thing that was hard was like dealing with
Speaker 3: like la parties and ship because I'm introverted, so trying
Speaker 3: to do like the mingle and ship that shit was
Speaker 3: fucking very difficult at first. But then I got over
Speaker 3: it and now I could like party sober, I could
Speaker 3: dance fucking night away sober, I have a great time
Speaker 3: and then feel happy that I'm gonna wake up okay.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 3: But the only time I miss it is when shit
Speaker 3: is difficult in life, like when like if yeah, if
Speaker 3: there's something heavy that's happening. Whereas before I could have
Speaker 3: just done a little cup of whiskey and it would
Speaker 3: just served like a morphine button. Now I don't have that,
Speaker 3: and that's that's something I still struggle with.
Speaker 2: So what do you do? You have advice? Now?
Speaker 1: Do I have a vice? Now?
Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Because people no, Yeah, supplement.
Speaker 3: You know when I stopped smoking wheed, When I took
Speaker 3: a break from smoking wheed, my supplement was hot yoga.
Speaker 1: That's what helped me.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm that's okay, that's better. It's a better advice.
Speaker 3: It's a better advice. Yeah, it's a better advice. I mean,
Speaker 3: fox bright and I gotta I got a chill on
Speaker 3: spray too.
Speaker 1: I'd be fucking I love spread.
Speaker 2: When you need it too. It's like that's the thing
Speaker 2: that hits the.
Speaker 1: Burn my throat. It's so good.
Speaker 2: I love it. You're so funny.
Speaker 4: It's funny because I remember a time when you were
Speaker 4: in town and you had hit me like I don't know.
Speaker 4: We were talking about getting together or something, and you're like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we'll do something.
Speaker 4: We'll have a go have a shot out, we'll do ship.
Speaker 4: We're gonna have tequila. And then like a couple of
Speaker 4: years ago, you're like, yo, I'm in New York. Random,
Speaker 4: you want to do a hot yoga that's so funny.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, look at the evolution of Jesse.
Speaker 4: That's really good. Now that's a good time for you.
Speaker 4: I was like, oh, remember when I couldn't And number two,
Speaker 4: I thought, I don't know that I'm in shape to
Speaker 4: do a hot yoga class because my.
Speaker 2: Past out the class.
Speaker 1: You'll be fine. You could lie down the whole class.
Speaker 4: Eight.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you could. Literally, like the culture is you showed up.
Speaker 1: That's a win.
Speaker 4: I did it once. It was okay. I would have
Speaker 4: to try it again. I would do it with you.
Speaker 4: But then you're going to be standing on your head,
Speaker 4: So what I'm going to be able to can't touch
Speaker 4: my toes?
Speaker 1: It's okay, it's okay. So you just focus on your
Speaker 1: own Matt everybody.
Speaker 2: I know that's a good lesson in life.
Speaker 4: By the way, focus on your own, Matt, Guys, do
Speaker 4: what you need to do in your mat Do you remember.
Speaker 1: That little video that went viral.
Speaker 3: It was a little girl like trying to tire her
Speaker 3: car seat and her dad and moms trying to help her,
Speaker 3: and she's.
Speaker 1: Like, worry about yourself, worry about yourself.
Speaker 2: No, I don't know. I need to see that.
Speaker 1: It's really good that little video. Has anyone seen that?
Speaker 2: No? I love that. It's your algorithm.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, true, you forget worry about yourself, worry about yourself. No, no,
Speaker 1: worry about yourself. I was like, ooh, this little lady's Confucius.
Speaker 1: I love this.
Speaker 2: That's so good, it's so cute.
Speaker 4: What about the how has this changed? Because one thing
Speaker 4: about your fan base?
Speaker 2: They I mean I.
Speaker 4: Don't I don't know them as well as you do, clearly,
Speaker 4: but from the onside, it seems like they are very
Speaker 4: locked in with you, Like you have a very kind
Speaker 4: of organic fan base.
Speaker 2: Yeah, how did they.
Speaker 1: Move with your evolutions?
Speaker 4: Evolutions? And has anything surprised you about that?
Speaker 2: And how they see you?
Speaker 1: Or yeah, people seeing I.
Speaker 3: Throughout my life, there's been little chapters where like it
Speaker 3: feels like the human connection is very potent, like like
Speaker 3: when Gatekeeper dropped and then getting all the messages about
Speaker 3: like people who are also gone through some shit, and
Speaker 3: when Figures dropped, when Far Away dropped, when Couldn't be
Speaker 3: Me dropped. There's been there's certain there's certain songs that
Speaker 3: like hit a button, hit a button, and I guess, yeah,
Speaker 3: I guess even with the with the chapter changes, I've
Speaker 3: gotten Yeah, especially from interviews where I've talked about sobriety,
Speaker 3: I've gotten a shit lord of thank you for speaking
Speaker 3: of it. I'm going through it right now. Or I've
Speaker 3: relapsed and I saw this and it really inspired me
Speaker 3: to try again, or good luck, I'm eleven years in
Speaker 3: you got this, Like it's really sweet, but yeah, people
Speaker 3: have people have grown with me, which is nuts.
Speaker 1: People.
Speaker 3: I remember Bins told me that this was gonna happen
Speaker 3: years ago. He was like, you're gonna get blown away
Speaker 3: because all of a sudden, you're gonna start having kids
Speaker 3: at your show, babies at your show from the people
Speaker 3: that have grown with you, And that's happening.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, it's fucking wiry.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like little kids with like little kiddo T shirt
Speaker 3: on are like yes, see, like it's just it's crazy,
Speaker 3: and that's that's wild. And it was really beautiful too,
Speaker 3: which hilarious, but like the for how much I feel
Speaker 3: like the industry is reluctant to embrace someone as multifaceted
Speaker 3: musically and creatively as me, because one could argue that
Speaker 3: I'm not as digestible because maybe I'm not packaged the
Speaker 3: way that people would want, or I speak about things
Speaker 3: that people wouldn't want, or whatever the fuck, or make
Speaker 3: too too vast a spectrum of music so that it
Speaker 3: can't be streamlined in a specific genre, whatever, all the
Speaker 3: all the reasons, it's really cool that on the other
Speaker 3: side of the organic side of what I'm doing that
Speaker 3: I'm loved for that. It's really nice and vindicating for
Speaker 3: having gripped onto what makes me me as opposed to
Speaker 3: bending and acquiescing earlier in my career for the sake
Speaker 3: of a shot that maybe a better career. I'm happy
Speaker 3: with what I got. I'm grateful for the achievements I've
Speaker 3: been able to touch while I'm alive, and also grateful
Speaker 3: to be able to share with my family because I
Speaker 3: know there's people that want to chase this and want
Speaker 3: to do it and then time passes and you lose
Speaker 3: people and you don't even get to like, you know,
Speaker 3: what's the farmer doesn't get to eat the fruit of
Speaker 3: their labor.
Speaker 1: But like I've been able to fucking feed people.
Speaker 3: So like I'm really grateful for that and grateful that
Speaker 3: that's my Like see, I told y'all, like see, because
Speaker 3: there's because I didn't need to concede.
Speaker 1: I didn't need to bend. I didn't need to That
Speaker 1: feels good, m H.
Speaker 2: And the fans, I think feel that, m H. People
Speaker 2: feel that. Yeah, but there is sacrifice in that too.
Speaker 1: Yeah of course, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4: But probably sacrifice the ship that you who knows if
Speaker 4: you even wanted that?
Speaker 3: Yeah, fuck it, it wasn't meant for me. Wasn't meant
Speaker 3: for me.
Speaker 2: Does it look like you thought it would look?
Speaker 4: Because it's like you right, sorry, I was gonna say,
Speaker 4: you made your career your way coming up, Like it
Speaker 4: wasn't the vision right of how you thought it would go.
Speaker 3: No, No, because when you're because when you're a kid,
Speaker 3: you know, you think of life and you're like, well,
Speaker 3: I see the dreams and you only see the good
Speaker 3: because because you do, because that's just.
Speaker 1: How you dream you.
Speaker 3: But that's just the nature of life. Like you see
Speaker 3: the goal, and you see like the like, and that
Speaker 3: that applies everywhere, and that applies for everything. And that's
Speaker 3: also why you you you fuck up your quality of
Speaker 3: life if you don't make it a constant practice to
Speaker 3: be grateful for whatever the fuck you have, because people
Speaker 3: will straight here and want curlier, and people with husband
Speaker 3: want to be single, and people that are single long
Speaker 3: for their partner, and people with no kids long for kids,
Speaker 3: and vice versas. It's just it's a constant like you know,
Speaker 3: and you get the timeline that you were giving, you
Speaker 3: subscrit you you you vibrate in the timeline that that
Speaker 3: you were given. And if you don't fucking learn to
Speaker 3: appreciate that, then you live in a constant state of
Speaker 3: like what if, Oh but I wanted that at a
Speaker 3: constant state of longing and suffering. But you want that
Speaker 3: detachment and acceptance for whatever was given. That shit elevates
Speaker 3: quality of life so much because if you ask me, no,
Speaker 3: it doesn't look like it because I because I pictured
Speaker 3: such a I've pictured a utopia and I didn't realize
Speaker 3: that utopia had a fucking basement and there are bodies
Speaker 3: in that basement. So it's not fucking you know, it's
Speaker 3: not built on nothing. That has been a little bit
Speaker 3: of a mind fuck coming into it. But every day
Speaker 3: I practice the like wait a minute, like And it
Speaker 3: also helps when I talk to people that have known
Speaker 3: me from time to be like can believe it? Like
Speaker 3: from from busking to this, from from Kensington Market to this,
Speaker 3: from like that. That's those are really nice reminders and
Speaker 3: anchors into the moment where I could be like, this
Speaker 3: might not look like exactly what I wanted, but but
Speaker 3: no one looks at their dreams aware of the basement.
Speaker 1: Everyone always only looks at that.
Speaker 4: So good, yeah, the body in the basement. And also
Speaker 4: a lot of times I think our dreams, or the
Speaker 4: images of what we think a version of I want
Speaker 4: a successful career creating, making music, whatever is fed to
Speaker 4: us by other people's stories. Right, So, like you're a
Speaker 4: young girl and you're watching people what is dead?
Speaker 2: And could you imagine what the what she was dealing
Speaker 2: with the journ you know, in the fights that she
Speaker 2: had to do.
Speaker 4: So you only see your dreams only like images of
Speaker 4: what are.
Speaker 1: Fed but you don't know, You don't know till you
Speaker 1: do it.
Speaker 4: So that is the key, right, is too to find
Speaker 4: the gratitude And what are your garden.
Speaker 2: Trying to find gratitude every day? Whatever you're doing. You
Speaker 2: could be a.
Speaker 4: Teacher, a kindergarten teacher and love teaching the kids, but
Speaker 4: your idea of being a successful kindergarten teacher is doing
Speaker 4: it at this private school in this bubble neighborhood.
Speaker 2: And this is like you're chasing something that's the image of.
Speaker 4: What you think it is, and then you're in the
Speaker 4: joy of that today you made a little kid learn
Speaker 4: how to do whatever, like you could just miss the
Speaker 4: joys of our actual real life. And there goes your life,
Speaker 4: chasing a version of something that we don't even know.
Speaker 4: It's like bits and pieces of things we saw other
Speaker 4: people do and it's not it's not real.
Speaker 3: You don't even know if it would make you happy.
Speaker 3: Maybe the bus at that private school's a dick. And
Speaker 3: then you go on and then you shot away the
Speaker 3: fun years at the other school because you were just
Speaker 3: longing for something else.
Speaker 4: Yeah, hey, guys, you ever signed up for a phone
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Speaker 3: Who is this from?
Speaker 4: Say, it's brought to you by boost Mobile.
Speaker 2: It's brought to us by Boost Mobile.
Speaker 4: It's from step from Steph and this is from somebody
Speaker 4: named Stephanie, Stephanie or stephan Stephanie.
Speaker 5: For me, Hey, hi Jesse, Steph here.
Speaker 2: I'm a huge fan.
Speaker 5: I especially love your song Gonliento for me, and I'm
Speaker 5: sure a lot of other people, you know, I can
Speaker 5: identify with going through a tumultuous relationship and trying to
Speaker 5: believe that things will change until you reach a point
Speaker 5: where you just need peace despite that love. It's a
Speaker 5: beautiful song, but I think hearing and Spanish really deepen
Speaker 5: that meaning for me. And I wonder when you're writing
Speaker 5: from a deep placed emotion, do you know immediately whether
Speaker 5: that feeling should be expressed in English or in Spanish?
Speaker 1: Hello Steph, thank you for your voice. Notes.
Speaker 3: I actually write more in English because I went to
Speaker 3: school in Canada, so my lexicon is vast and I
Speaker 3: read in English often too, so that's where I pull
Speaker 3: a lot of my wording. However, my first language is Spanish,
Speaker 3: and I learned to love in Spanish and I learned
Speaker 3: to be a human being in Spanish. So it's funny
Speaker 3: because the Spanish songs are very like potent, as you said,
Speaker 3: like one of the banto's very it's potent, and it's close,
Speaker 3: and they're never they're never like, they're always detailed and
Speaker 3: heavy with emotion. I think it's because of that. I
Speaker 3: think because because it's the language I learned to love,
Speaker 3: and it's almost like when people hear that it's like
Speaker 3: they take a step forward. It's more intimate, but they
Speaker 3: happen to you and far they happen a lot less,
Speaker 3: and the English ones because I find my quality out
Speaker 3: of quantity. Like I'll go in the studio and make
Speaker 3: five songs, five shiit songs. Maybe one of them is good,
Speaker 3: and then that's the one I'll focus on. That's my rhythm.
Speaker 3: But with Spanish songs, it takes me longer. And because
Speaker 3: I'm used to my speed, I get annoyed at myself
Speaker 3: for not having the same lexicon and Spanish, and I
Speaker 3: get annoyed that it takes me longer.
Speaker 1: So I don't do that often.
Speaker 2: Because she asked about that, I was just looking up
Speaker 2: your lyrics.
Speaker 4: For begging for lovelet's talking to me about.
Speaker 2: That song when you came in. These are so good?
Speaker 2: Is this inspired by.
Speaker 1: What did you call him? This is real life?
Speaker 3: No, this isn't No, this wasn't inspired by the bomb.
Speaker 3: This was inspired by a decent guy. But yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: The decent guy made you feel like you were begging for.
Speaker 1: Love because.
Speaker 3: Because this is a this is a story. Because after
Speaker 3: the really tumultuous relationship, I turned into.
Speaker 2: A very.
Speaker 3: Detached stick skinned thing. And then I met a really
Speaker 3: sweet guy and he just tried to lay everything out
Speaker 3: and I was like, nah, I gotta work, I gotta
Speaker 3: do and this is really funny. Should I say this?
Speaker 3: I fuck it. The we were when we started hanging out,
Speaker 3: everything was cool, but I had just come out of
Speaker 3: this other fucking hell hole, so I knew better. I
Speaker 3: was like, yeah, I'm not gonna like chill. And we
Speaker 3: were hanging out and it had been a couple of months,
Speaker 3: and then they said something about like a girlfriend or something,
Speaker 3: and I was like, whoa, whoa.
Speaker 1: I'm like, we gotta you.
Speaker 3: Know, and then they looked at me and they're like, wait,
Speaker 3: what do you mean, Like We've already been hanging out
Speaker 3: this long and I've caught feelings like it's too late.
Speaker 1: And I was like, what do you mean it too late?
Speaker 1: I'm like, let's do that.
Speaker 3: He's like no, He's like, I'm not the point that
Speaker 3: it's either all or nothing, So we're either going to
Speaker 3: try this or we stopped. His motherfucker him. He was
Speaker 3: an ultimatum, and he was a great guy and I
Speaker 3: liked him, so I conceded, which was a mistake because
Speaker 3: then we were together for years and it sucks because
Speaker 3: he was trying and I just wasn't ready. I wasn't ready.
Speaker 3: I was still healing. I still had like trauma to
Speaker 3: fucking get through. My hierarchy of priorities was shit. I
Speaker 3: wasn't even in the top three. I wasn't even in
Speaker 3: the top three.
Speaker 2: That's crazy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so like he was going to be seven floor yeah,
Speaker 3: you know. So that made it really difficult, and then
Speaker 3: it took me. We were together for a couple of years,
Speaker 3: and then I went on my first solo trip and
Speaker 3: I read this law, this book called the Seven Laws
Speaker 3: of Divine Compensation, and another book called Return to Love,
Speaker 3: I think, and it just put a lot of shit
Speaker 3: into perspective. Oh no, wait, I got it.
Speaker 1: Wait, okay.
Speaker 3: So I was on tour, right, I was on tour
Speaker 3: in Europe, and they were just on me about some ship.
Speaker 3: Which was normal. It was normal that they wanted relationship things.
Speaker 3: But I just wasn't providing because I was like work
Speaker 3: and this and that. And I got upset at them
Speaker 3: because they were asking me for some shit and I
Speaker 3: was on tour and I was like, you're trying to
Speaker 3: stress me about fucking mundane domestic shit when I'm trying
Speaker 3: to focus on fucking moving mountains, so like, and it
Speaker 3: was my birthday week. I was like, you're doing too
Speaker 3: much because and then no, this is crazy. I hope
Speaker 3: I don't regret saying this.
Speaker 2: Then you can tell me.
Speaker 1: If we Yeah, okay, I'm gonna skip over that part anyway.
Speaker 1: He he he was like, maybe.
Speaker 3: We should go on a break, because I had suggested
Speaker 3: that before and he was like, no, whatever. Anyways, he
Speaker 3: said maybe we should go on He said, maybe we
Speaker 3: should go on a break, And in my head, I
Speaker 3: was like, perfect, perfect, a break. I need a break
Speaker 3: and I need to work and I need space. This
Speaker 3: is perfect in my head. But I didn't say it
Speaker 3: out loud, but I assumed that it was assumed because
Speaker 3: I'm fried, because now in retrospect, I don't know why
Speaker 3: the fuck I didn't just say, okay, great, let's go
Speaker 3: on a break.
Speaker 1: I agree.
Speaker 3: I just assumed the break started asap, so I was
Speaker 3: like left the message alone. And then and then and
Speaker 3: then I was on tour for a few more weeks,
Speaker 3: and then I got home and then all of a sudden,
Speaker 3: it had been three weeks, and then all of a sudden,
Speaker 3: it had been four weeks, and then at four weeks,
Speaker 3: I finally like when on my solo trip, Red got
Speaker 3: my shit together, and I was like, I'm fucking up,
Speaker 3: Like this guy's been consistent, he's great, he's got a
Speaker 3: good heart, my family likes him, like everything's cool. And
Speaker 3: then I was waiting because I thought maybe he'd reach out.
Speaker 3: And then fourth week came and nothing. And then fifth
Speaker 3: week came and I was like, oh, strange, Like is
Speaker 3: this break like get on time and anyways, I'm like strange.
Speaker 3: And then the six week came and he didn't say nothing,
Speaker 3: and I was like and then I finally hit him
Speaker 3: up and I was like, hey, what's up, Like so
Speaker 3: we doing it? He's like, we're doing this. He was like, Jesse,
Speaker 3: you ghosted me. And I was like what.
Speaker 4: My god.
Speaker 1: I was like, what do you mean? I thought we
Speaker 1: were going to He's like, you didn't fucking you didn't
Speaker 1: say anything. You didn't say anything, you didn't confirm. He's like,
Speaker 1: I thought you were just ghosted me.
Speaker 3: I thought we were like so he had already like
Speaker 3: moved on and soused his fucking bruises and I yeah,
Speaker 3: and it was what it was. And so then anyway,
Speaker 3: So then that we had been together for two and
Speaker 3: a half years at that point, and then I spent
Speaker 3: about a year trying to mend it when I should
Speaker 3: have just respected it and been like because because that
Speaker 3: hurt longer.
Speaker 1: Than it needed to.
Speaker 3: And then during that year, obviously he wasn't perfect. He
Speaker 3: was not perfect. He also there was there was also
Speaker 3: other reasons why I wasn't ready to like be everything
Speaker 3: that he wanted me to be, because there were things
Speaker 3: in him that were missing so that it couldn't I
Speaker 3: couldn't relax and be as submissive as I wanted to
Speaker 3: in that situation anyway, But but there were certain.
Speaker 1: Things that he would do that would piss me off.
Speaker 3: And so then in an effort to like, I was
Speaker 3: also angry during that time because it felt like I
Speaker 3: was begging for love from someone that should have or
Speaker 3: that did.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was I think it was cope, hope, cope, cope.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was a little bit of cope as well,
Speaker 3: But it was also true at the time because it
Speaker 3: felt like I was and he he had he has
Speaker 3: has achilles. He lives that he's too kind and too nice,
Speaker 3: where he should have just set the boundary and been like,
Speaker 3: you know, but we would still communicate and we would
Speaker 3: still talk all the time, and we would still you know,
Speaker 3: so it made it difficult.
Speaker 2: Hmmmm.
Speaker 3: But he's good, he's he's we haven't talked in a
Speaker 3: long time, but he's we I think we both under Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's just it's in the wind.
Speaker 1: That's in the past.
Speaker 3: I learned my lessons, he learned his, and we grow
Speaker 3: and it just wasn't we weren't met for each other
Speaker 3: timing maybe ye who yeah, no, no, no, I think yeah,
Speaker 3: because that insinuates like no, no, no, I think it's
Speaker 3: in the wind.
Speaker 4: In the wind, in the wind, that's a good term.
Speaker 4: That's not what I thought this song was about.
Speaker 3: But he had bump qualities like that, fucking like oh go,
Speaker 3: he had bump quality like wasn't as ambitious as me.
Speaker 3: Uh huh, So why the fuck are you playing video games?
Speaker 3: When we should be like fuck are you playing video games?
Speaker 3: And we should be talking about like making bread or
Speaker 3: like making movements. So there were things that I was like,
Speaker 3: this is whack. I hate this for you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, pretty good? Yeah, made a good song, made a song,
Speaker 1: made a great song, great song.
Speaker 4: I always loved that lyric You the fuck you make
Speaker 4: me feel like I'm asking for too much. But maybe
Speaker 4: I'm asking the wrong one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he was just the wrong one.
Speaker 2: You were the wrong one.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: The fuck am I bagging for love?
Speaker 1: For Yeah? I'm asking for a fish to fly? The fuck?
Speaker 2: Am I doing this? So good? And it's so fun
Speaker 2: at the concerts to watch everybody singing that song.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they feel that one.
Speaker 2: It goes, It goes so good. So that was some
Speaker 2: of the inspiration of that album. What is this? What
Speaker 2: is the inspiration of this album coming?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 2: Is it the space that you were in? Or no,
Speaker 2: I'm needing.
Speaker 3: I can tell you through songs. I can tell you
Speaker 3: through song Who what song? Which song belongs to?
Speaker 6: Who?
Speaker 2: On the album that's coming? Oh? They have, they have
Speaker 2: songs on this album.
Speaker 1: Still I don't think.
Speaker 3: I don't think the video the video game player don't
Speaker 3: But the bomb from couldn't be me? That the bum
Speaker 3: from couldn't be me song. But the song is just
Speaker 3: like off, It's one of those songs.
Speaker 2: That he know that these songs are for him. I
Speaker 2: think so.
Speaker 1: But who cares? Who cares?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Who cares?
Speaker 4: Fuck?
Speaker 1: I love the song that I really like it.
Speaker 3: I really like the songs called It's called Dusty's.
Speaker 2: The Good, that's these good too good.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, I'm gonna go straight to that when
Speaker 4: I get the album, I'm gonna go straight.
Speaker 1: To Dusty Crazy.
Speaker 2: How can you?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 3: I just don't appreciate having these sort of blind spots,
Speaker 3: because you're right. If I'm astute everywhere else, why is
Speaker 3: my heart blind? It doesn't make no fucking sense.
Speaker 2: I don't think your heart is blind.
Speaker 1: Stupid, don't you see it? You're just making wrong decisions.
Speaker 2: No, I think you There's a whole bunch of reasons
Speaker 2: why we make wrong decisions. Sometimes we don't want.
Speaker 4: It, so we picked wrong to have an easy way out.
Speaker 3: Also, I love that for me because I've also discovered
Speaker 3: that I have that, like the avoidant attachment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't want it. I don't really want it.
Speaker 2: So I'm gonna pick this guy because he's gonna give
Speaker 2: me an easy way out.
Speaker 1: The first time I learned about that, I felt so attacked.
Speaker 1: I felt so attacked under the table.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, when.
Speaker 3: You first anyone, when you learn about when you learn
Speaker 3: something that's so integral to you that you've had your
Speaker 3: whole life, that you didn't know you had. It's like,
Speaker 3: it's like living in a house for thirty years and
Speaker 3: then discovering that there was a bedroom next to your
Speaker 3: fucking bedroom.
Speaker 1: That's what it feels like, What the fuck am I?
Speaker 1: This is? This has been, this is what I'm doing.
Speaker 3: This is what I'm doing because you're not wrong, that's
Speaker 3: that that's also contributed. Oh my god, when I learned
Speaker 3: about that, I was floored. I felt so, I felt naked.
Speaker 3: It's just so fucking spooky.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: But then the more you learn and the more you uncover,
Speaker 4: then you make better choices or or you're just clearer,
Speaker 4: or you make the same choices.
Speaker 2: But you're clear about it.
Speaker 1: You're aware.
Speaker 2: You're aware at least aware, like, I don't really want something,
Speaker 2: so I'm just gonna do this because this will be
Speaker 2: easy to get out of it.
Speaker 4: At least you know it. You can say it out
Speaker 4: loud to yourself, and then you This probably gives you
Speaker 4: less stress and less pain because you know what you
Speaker 4: did there as supposed to like, as opposed to be.
Speaker 4: Here are all the red flags, but I'm gonna get
Speaker 4: with him anyway.
Speaker 2: And then then you're broken.
Speaker 4: Hearted because you fell in love Were you really in
Speaker 4: love though, or was it just attachments?
Speaker 1: No, that was I haven't felt that in years.
Speaker 2: That was love.
Speaker 1: That was that was I think that.
Speaker 2: Was What is that to you? Love? What does that mean?
Speaker 6: Oh my god.
Speaker 3: I used to think that love was being willing to
Speaker 3: die for someone years ago. I used to think that
Speaker 3: that was it. I think maybe it's still part of it.
Speaker 3: And then I came to the conclusion that maybe love
Speaker 3: is peace. But then I read I read some I
Speaker 3: can't remember what book it was, but they were like, no,
Speaker 3: love is wanting to see someone reach their highest self
Speaker 3: and reach their like wanting the best for someone else.
Speaker 3: And that one reads that that one resonates for me.
Speaker 3: Or I'm like, that's real, that's selfless. I want the
Speaker 3: best for you. That's really selfless. I think that's really beautiful,
Speaker 3: and I kind of wanted that for him.
Speaker 1: It was both. It was the passion and it was like,
Speaker 1: I want what was best for you.
Speaker 2: That's love.
Speaker 1: Yeah, still a bum but that's outward love.
Speaker 2: That's how you love them, right. How do you receive love?
Speaker 1: How do I receive love? Acts of service?
Speaker 3: In my love language, I love acts of service is
Speaker 3: like be competent, and be of use help me, and
Speaker 3: that is that shit makes me mel But that's who
Speaker 3: scary because because then someone will suck everywhere else. And
Speaker 3: then if they do that, that's like the.
Speaker 2: Like seventeen red flags.
Speaker 4: But they but they do that, I don't know, dinner
Speaker 4: and well not well.
Speaker 3: Yeah sure clean up, yeah that way, yeah, yeah, something
Speaker 3: like that. Acts of service is my love language. What's
Speaker 3: your love language?
Speaker 2: What is my love language?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 2: Oh? What are they again? What are the what are
Speaker 2: they gives?
Speaker 3: Acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time and physical.
Speaker 4: Touch, quality time and words of affirmation quality time time,
Speaker 4: not just time. I don't need a lot of time.
Speaker 4: I don't like a lot of time, but I like
Speaker 4: it to be intentional and quality. And then words of
Speaker 4: affirmation because I like clarity and so I don't. I
Speaker 4: don't need words off. I don't need you to gas me, don't.
Speaker 4: I don't need words of information.
Speaker 2: You're this, you're so this. I need words of affirmation as.
Speaker 1: This is what we're clarity.
Speaker 2: Yeah you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: They this is where you stand, This is where I
Speaker 1: see what's going.
Speaker 2: All of that. It's good for me.
Speaker 1: That's nice.
Speaker 2: Acts service is cool. Gifts I don't really.
Speaker 4: I mean, I like gifts like anybody else, but it's
Speaker 4: not really a thing for me.
Speaker 1: I love them, you love it, Oh my god. Mm hmm,
Speaker 1: it's the same. Yeah, it's so. It's so like me,
Speaker 1: make my life easier, makes me now.
Speaker 3: You can have it all confident and make my life easier,
Speaker 3: and you like yeah, because.
Speaker 4: I like it too. It's nice you feel cared for whatever.
Speaker 4: I don't like fake access service. I guess I don't
Speaker 4: like somebody doing I don't like performative acts of service.
Speaker 4: And so maybe if they know, yeah, like if you
Speaker 4: profess that here on the show today, and then some
Speaker 4: guys like, hey, Jesse, I just cleaned your car, I
Speaker 4: don't like. Yeah, that's disgusting.
Speaker 1: It has to be.
Speaker 4: That's so funny.
Speaker 3: But it's like we're telling people to go left and
Speaker 3: go right, like do it, but do it only of
Speaker 3: your own volition and pretend like you never had me
Speaker 3: say it exactly.
Speaker 2: Now you've got it. Hey, guys.
Speaker 4: Support for this podcast is brought to you by Walden University.
Speaker 4: Have you ever thought to yourself, what if I could
Speaker 4: go after what I actually want and I could really
Speaker 4: make a difference. Well, you are not alone. And this
Speaker 4: is exactly why I want to tell you about Walden University.
Speaker 4: For over fifty years, Walden has helped working adults like
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Speaker 4: Head to waldenu dot edu and take that first step.
Speaker 4: Walden University set a course for change certified to operate
Speaker 4: by SHIV. All right, irl hole time was Jesse Ray
Speaker 4: has Oh this is all there is in here.
Speaker 2: You got a limited amount of questions. See if you
Speaker 2: get this is our IRL bowl set up by Walden University.
Speaker 3: The best kind of friend is someone who doesn't make
Speaker 3: me feel guilty for fucking having a workaholic life. And yeah,
Speaker 3: well you just where you feel like you could just
Speaker 3: like take off your armor and just be and not
Speaker 3: feel guilty for the reason that every other relationship in
Speaker 3: my life suffers, which is like, you know, work a
Speaker 3: lot and keeping my head down and not being able
Speaker 3: to be there as much because I don't think I'm
Speaker 3: the best friend that I could be. I could be
Speaker 3: a better friend for people. I could be a better
Speaker 3: everything for people if I made this side of my
Speaker 3: life suffer and took that time and apply to here.
Speaker 3: But because my life hasn't been that, the few friends
Speaker 3: in my life that I have that are like understand
Speaker 3: my fear e comitment and understand my fear of like
Speaker 3: I can't. I can't tell you that I'm going to
Speaker 3: come to this birthday party because if something switches with work,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna have to do this when I don't feel
Speaker 3: guilty for that. That's such a it's love. It's understanding
Speaker 3: You're prone to feel guilty, probably right, God is the worst.
Speaker 3: And I hate holding that emotion because it permeates and
Speaker 3: then I try to compensate. So now apart from failing
Speaker 3: from achieving, apart from failing from giving you that in
Speaker 3: the first place, because I got to put all my
Speaker 3: time over here, now I got to take time from
Speaker 3: here and apply it to remedy what I couldn't even
Speaker 3: do the first time over it sucks.
Speaker 2: I hate that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I've got But I got really good friends
Speaker 3: in my life that are that are.
Speaker 4: That was a good question for you, Yeah, all right,
Speaker 4: in real life, let's go through these before you go. Okay,
Speaker 4: speed round, it doesn't have to be a speed round. Okay,
Speaker 4: in real life, you are no longer available for?
Speaker 2: What are you no longer available for?
Speaker 4: Fuck?
Speaker 3: You just asked me for a speed round and look
Speaker 3: at me taking my time? In real life? Yes, I
Speaker 3: am no longer available for doing shit I don't want
Speaker 3: to do. Yeah, very general, very valid in real life.
Speaker 3: When are you your happiest in real life? I am
Speaker 3: my happiest when I am with my loved ones, with
Speaker 3: my family, with my pup in the woods.
Speaker 2: Yeah, be about to be there soon. Well, what is
Speaker 2: there some type of emergency going on in our city?
Speaker 1: Because this thank you? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Is that what it was? Is that what was happening?
Speaker 4: Okay in real life? What was the last time you
Speaker 4: cried from gratitude.
Speaker 1: In real life?
Speaker 3: The last time I cried from gratitude was today. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I was saying my thank yous because because people have
Speaker 3: always been supportive, you know, and like it's not like
Speaker 3: the industry as a whole, but like certain people and uh, yeah,
Speaker 3: I was just I was just expressing that that I
Speaker 3: was really really grateful to have had early support because
Speaker 3: I know not everybody gets that, do.
Speaker 4: You really believe in your soul that you're ready to retire.
Speaker 3: I feel like I could, really, yeah, I feel like
Speaker 3: I could, but I don't know. But the thing is like,
Speaker 3: I don't I know, I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 1: But I'm just tired. I'm just tired.
Speaker 3: I'm tired, and I like, yeah, doing the inventory is
Speaker 3: it's shitty, because like, it's not shitty, it's just what.
Speaker 1: It's the way.
Speaker 3: It's the way my cars have been dealt. But the
Speaker 3: reason when of the this has been so fruitful because
Speaker 3: all of my energy has gone there and then a
Speaker 3: lot of energy that could have been a lot of
Speaker 3: to other places hasn't, you know. So that's a little
Speaker 3: difficult to consolidate and what pushes me more towards being like, Okay,
Speaker 3: well I've done this many years, so maybe the other
Speaker 3: sides of your life could take take a bit.
Speaker 4: M hmm.
Speaker 6: What is the one thing you if you could, if
Speaker 6: you could grab it right now and put the energy
Speaker 6: into it, you know, is there a bucket, is there
Speaker 6: a hole or is there something that you would fill
Speaker 6: up first?
Speaker 1: Mm hmmmmmm. Yeah, probably family time.
Speaker 4: M from a girl who spends so much time with
Speaker 4: her fan. I know you've been on the road and
Speaker 4: that was that war on you, but in your life.
Speaker 3: Well yeah, because it's not just my parents have had
Speaker 3: the ability to come on roll with me, but like
Speaker 3: everybody hasn't. My nieces haven't, my nephews haven't, zone and
Speaker 3: my cousin's like, it's just not you, miss you, miss
Speaker 3: I Again, I say this, I say because it's a
Speaker 3: double edged so it's just two truths can't exist that once.
Speaker 3: I'm grateful a normal outlier. I know this is like
Speaker 3: you know, but it costs, but it costs you, and
Speaker 3: there's a lot of shit you mis especially especially if
Speaker 3: you're like a bout it and you're like, all right,
Speaker 3: I'm giving it all because because I go, because I work,
Speaker 3: because I like I go. But it costs you, and
Speaker 3: it doesn't cost the same for every It doesn't cost
Speaker 3: the same for everybody else. I understand that, Like Okay, well,
Speaker 3: but like there's people on the road with you, and
Speaker 3: there's people that also tour on you, and there's people
Speaker 3: on your team, and there's people on like yeah, but
Speaker 3: the price is not the same. As you said earlier,
Speaker 3: You're like, you're creative, it's all the time it's there
Speaker 3: all the time, and then you become a product. And
Speaker 3: I don't want to sound it's crazy, because as I'm
Speaker 3: saying it, there's another side of me that's like, you're
Speaker 3: crying in a castle. You're crying in a castle. And
Speaker 3: I know that it's difficult for anyone that hasn't been
Speaker 3: in my shoes to empathize with the feeling that I have.
Speaker 3: And I know that it sounds ungrateful, and I know
Speaker 3: that it sounds like privilege, and I know that and
Speaker 3: I know that, but it's but I'd be but I'd
Speaker 3: be doing a disservice to myself if I didn't hold
Speaker 3: space for where my emotions have landed about it and
Speaker 3: understanding that it's like everything has a cost, everything has
Speaker 3: a price, and this price hurts like it's not it's
Speaker 3: not something that's been easy. And yeah, yeah, there's not
Speaker 3: something that's been easy.
Speaker 2: I don't think you sound that way at all.
Speaker 4: Thank you sound very grateful and very self aware and
Speaker 4: like it's not You're not complaining about frivolous shit. I
Speaker 4: just want to tap into your soul and your family
Speaker 4: and your things that.
Speaker 2: Fill you up.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think you're going to be okay.
Speaker 4: I think you're going to be okay.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, today's going to be so rough. Even
Speaker 1: just said that exact same sentence to me, and I
Speaker 1: started crying.
Speaker 2: To you. I was like, oh you said you brother.
Speaker 2: I love you, Brove.
Speaker 1: That's hilarious.
Speaker 3: That's why I was crying because as soon as it
Speaker 3: was ever, I was like, thank you for supporting me,
Speaker 3: thank you for like contributing. We've known each other for
Speaker 3: so many years, which is even crazy to say, but like, yeah,
Speaker 3: I'm just I'm very I'm grateful because it's much as
Speaker 3: it's been difficult. Also, there's been so many beautiful things
Speaker 3: that have like, yeah, it's been it's been a wild.
Speaker 2: Just thing in your hand, let me see it.
Speaker 3: The other one, this is a h yeah, my dad
Speaker 3: do it on tour, like a couple of tours ago.
Speaker 2: We need to get a shadows.
Speaker 3: It's a reminder the smile bitch. I have it so
Speaker 3: when I'm pissed that can look at it. I want
Speaker 3: you think it helps. It's it's served because I'll be
Speaker 3: I'll be in the bathroom being.
Speaker 1: Like and then I'll look down and it's like, would.
Speaker 4: It be weird if I got one a little bit
Speaker 4: weird when he gives Stockery a little like when you
Speaker 4: give like absolutely not, it's for it's for your it's
Speaker 4: for your benefits. Okay, I want it, all right, I'm
Speaker 4: gonna do it. I'm gonna get one I have. This
Speaker 4: is mind is similar.
Speaker 1: Because it brings you, it reminds you, just like yeah.
Speaker 4: Because also it's like if you if I wave to somebody,
Speaker 4: it's there, Oh, hilarious, like protect, Yes, it's like protect.
Speaker 2: And it's just yeah, it says I don't know, well anyway,
Speaker 2: similar that in real life, what do you what are
Speaker 2: you most proud of about yourself?
Speaker 1: In real life? I am most proud of staying realm. Yeah.
Speaker 3: And it's not even it's it's it's a it's a
Speaker 3: it's a seed I didn't even plant, but I'm proud
Speaker 3: of it.
Speaker 1: My mom planted that.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: She was always like just let me be me, let
Speaker 3: me be me. And also as a I've said this before,
Speaker 3: like as as a woman also Latina, like there's a
Speaker 3: lot of you know, she should be in a dress,
Speaker 3: or like her hair should be done, or like her
Speaker 3: nails aren't done, or like just you know, there's a
Speaker 3: lot and she just did this and like shielded me
Speaker 3: from it and then took it herself because I know
Speaker 3: it wasn't easy to feel all that and hear all that,
Speaker 3: but like didn't project it onto me.
Speaker 1: Just was like, be yourself.
Speaker 3: And that is such a fucking gift, especially as an
Speaker 3: adult because I see it's it's I just had it
Speaker 3: as a child and I was able to like nurture
Speaker 3: and watch it grow.
Speaker 1: But I know it sucks.
Speaker 3: I see people that struggle to like be themselves, or
Speaker 3: see people that struggle to like be transparent or walk
Speaker 3: in their truth or like you know, so I think
Speaker 3: I'm most part of that. Yeah, you should be thank you, thank.
Speaker 4: You, And we'll end with our my favorite IRL question,
Speaker 4: which you use the word divine right If God were
Speaker 4: to text you right now today, Jessee, if he were
Speaker 4: to text you right now on your phone, what would
Speaker 4: it say?
Speaker 1: What would he say? What a question?
Speaker 2: Wow?
Speaker 1: What would it say?
Speaker 2: What would it say? Like if today it came to
Speaker 2: text from God today.
Speaker 3: I feel like the divine is wholeness and love, and
Speaker 3: so maybe it would be a reminder of like that.
Speaker 3: Maybe it would be something like You're gonna be okay,
Speaker 3: you know, maybe it would be something like that. Imagine,
Speaker 3: don't cross the street on six and seven because you're
Speaker 3: gonna break away, You're like something crazy. But yeah, I
Speaker 3: think maybe it would be it would be something that
Speaker 3: would reflect what I what my version of God is.
Speaker 3: In my version of God is not something someone some
Speaker 3: some essence that's like judgmental or just it's just wholeness.
Speaker 3: It's wholeness. Maybe it would just be heart amoji yeah,
Speaker 3: or that yeah, or a little yeah. Well no, maybe
Speaker 3: it would just be like a little smile, what a
Speaker 3: what a sick question?
Speaker 2: What would just be today? Oh I have to think
Speaker 2: about today. I got you?
Speaker 1: I got you. Ah, that's beautiful. Does that make I
Speaker 1: love that? That's so beautiful? Oh my god.
Speaker 4: I'm always like I'm in the middle of like a
Speaker 4: lot of different things in my life right now, moving, changing, switching.
Speaker 4: I'm just like in the middle of a lot, and
Speaker 4: so my prayer is usually around like I trust you
Speaker 4: to show me, lead me, help me to be in
Speaker 4: my purpose. And so when I if I can just trust,
Speaker 4: it's usually okay because I'm usually guided in.
Speaker 2: The right way. Amen.
Speaker 4: So that's why I think right now he'd probably remind
Speaker 4: me that he got me sick.
Speaker 3: There's so much weight that or she Yeah, so much
Speaker 3: weight that leads when you let God like just like God,
Speaker 3: drive like God drive, Yeah, like lead like Jesus take
Speaker 3: the wheel. There's so much weight that gets alleviated in faith.
Speaker 1: I love that. I love that.
Speaker 2: I love you, love you. I can't wait to do
Speaker 2: this again.
Speaker 4: After you take you take a big h and you're
Speaker 4: gonna come back and your album will have been out
Speaker 4: and done really well, and you'll you'll be refreshed, and
Speaker 4: you'll have a new perspective and new things you want
Speaker 4: to share, and you'll be bright eyed and rested and bushytailed.
Speaker 3: Then I can't wait and bushy tailed if I come
Speaker 3: back and I make another fucking song or I start
Speaker 3: crying about a bum and g I'm gonna be fucking
Speaker 3: I'm gonna be fucking pissed.
Speaker 1: Oh my God, that better.
Speaker 2: Lu I can't wait. I can't wait to see whatever evolution.
Speaker 4: It's in God's It's in God's hands.
Speaker 2: Jesse Ray is in real life, y'all.
Speaker 1: Is Jesse's Legiti in real life.
Speaker 2: Hey guys, thanks for watching.
Speaker 4: Make sure you subscribe, like comments and check out all
Speaker 4: of the other episodes we have on Edge.
Speaker 2: Martinez I R O Podcast