1
00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:22,396
Speaker 1: Pushkin. I was eighteen years old when I realized that

2
00:00:22,436 --> 00:00:25,796
Speaker 1: I might be a homosexual. One day, I woke up

3
00:00:25,836 --> 00:00:28,636
Speaker 1: and just had this feeling. It was just a sort

4
00:00:28,676 --> 00:00:31,916
Speaker 1: of mist that descended on me. The phrase I think

5
00:00:31,916 --> 00:00:34,116
Speaker 1: I might be gay, I think I might be gay,

6
00:00:34,156 --> 00:00:37,476
Speaker 1: I think I might be gay kept repeating in my head,

7
00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,236
Speaker 1: and at first it scared the shit out of me.

8
00:00:40,716 --> 00:00:44,396
Speaker 1: I'm sure all you heterosexuals experienced a similar terror when

9
00:00:44,436 --> 00:00:48,636
Speaker 1: you realized you might be straight. Jokes aside. I couldn't

10
00:00:48,636 --> 00:00:51,756
Speaker 1: point to one defining moment where I knew I was gay.

11
00:00:52,036 --> 00:00:54,956
Speaker 1: I just felt it, And it turns out the feeling

12
00:00:55,036 --> 00:00:59,036
Speaker 1: was totally right on. I'm super gay, And that's kind

13
00:00:59,076 --> 00:01:01,676
Speaker 1: of the way I experienced the inkling that I might

14
00:01:01,756 --> 00:01:05,236
Speaker 1: be autistic. It was just waves lapping up on my

15
00:01:05,276 --> 00:01:10,156
Speaker 1: shores with increasing intensity, not spurred by an sent that happened,

16
00:01:10,316 --> 00:01:13,116
Speaker 1: or a book I read or a YouTube video I watched,

17
00:01:13,756 --> 00:01:17,316
Speaker 1: just a steady ebb and flow of a feeling inside

18
00:01:17,356 --> 00:01:19,716
Speaker 1: my brain. It was like, what if I'm autistic and

19
00:01:19,716 --> 00:01:21,796
Speaker 1: I might be autistic. I don't want to be autistic?

20
00:01:21,836 --> 00:01:25,796
Speaker 1: Am I autistic? I can't possibly be autistic, which in

21
00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:30,796
Speaker 1: itself seems a little autistic. But if I had to

22
00:01:30,836 --> 00:01:34,756
Speaker 1: point to one moment when that gentle undulation of maybe

23
00:01:34,796 --> 00:01:38,076
Speaker 1: I'm autistic turned into one hundred foot walls of water

24
00:01:38,196 --> 00:01:41,516
Speaker 1: crashing down on me, it was March twenty twenty, and

25
00:01:41,636 --> 00:01:45,076
Speaker 1: we all know what that month was. Hello, COVID times,

26
00:01:51,436 --> 00:01:54,396
Speaker 1: you're listening to the Loudest Girl in the World, which

27
00:01:54,476 --> 00:01:58,156
Speaker 1: is not your mom. It's me, Lauren Ober. The Loudest

28
00:01:58,196 --> 00:02:00,436
Speaker 1: Girl in the World is a show about finding yourself

29
00:02:00,476 --> 00:02:03,436
Speaker 1: broken in a pretty dark place and emerging from that

30
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:20,116
Speaker 1: place a mostly glued back together person. My life before

31
00:02:20,116 --> 00:02:23,396
Speaker 1: the pandemic began was pretty simple and orderly. I had

32
00:02:23,436 --> 00:02:29,116
Speaker 1: my routines, wake up at eight am, feed dog, gopher, walk,

33
00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:33,876
Speaker 1: make breakfast, put my face on for the day, out

34
00:02:33,916 --> 00:02:37,756
Speaker 1: the door by ten to my favorite cafe, which also

35
00:02:37,796 --> 00:02:42,796
Speaker 1: doubled us my office. Then came March twenty twenty. There

36
00:02:42,916 --> 00:02:45,876
Speaker 1: is almost no part of twenty twenty that I remember

37
00:02:45,956 --> 00:02:50,836
Speaker 1: with any degree of accuracy except March. March was a doozy.

38
00:02:51,116 --> 00:02:54,996
Speaker 1: March was the beginning of our collective undoing. March was

39
00:02:55,036 --> 00:02:58,956
Speaker 1: a total piece of shit. Everyone has their own narrative

40
00:02:58,956 --> 00:03:02,476
Speaker 1: about how that month rolled out. They all start something

41
00:03:02,636 --> 00:03:07,796
Speaker 1: like this good evening, thanks for joining us. The World

42
00:03:07,836 --> 00:03:11,556
Speaker 1: Health Organization has now confirmed what many epidemiologists have been

43
00:03:11,596 --> 00:03:16,276
Speaker 1: saying for weeks. The coronavirus is a pandemic. Because I

44
00:03:16,316 --> 00:03:20,156
Speaker 1: am temperamentally unsuited to work in an office, Coffee shops

45
00:03:20,156 --> 00:03:24,196
Speaker 1: have historically been my own personal coworking spaces, and for

46
00:03:24,236 --> 00:03:27,076
Speaker 1: the past five or six years, there's one cafe that

47
00:03:27,156 --> 00:03:31,116
Speaker 1: has served as a home base of source. Hi, how

48
00:03:31,156 --> 00:03:34,396
Speaker 1: are you? Big Bear Cafe is a neighborhood anchor, and

49
00:03:34,476 --> 00:03:37,036
Speaker 1: it makes its home in a two story brick building

50
00:03:37,156 --> 00:03:40,996
Speaker 1: covered in ivy whose interior I would describe as rustic,

51
00:03:41,076 --> 00:03:44,116
Speaker 1: tumble down, and it is one of the places in

52
00:03:44,196 --> 00:03:49,436
Speaker 1: DC where I feel most myself. Hike care are you may?

53
00:03:49,476 --> 00:03:54,156
Speaker 1: I have a butterscotch scone. I'm a cafe regular, one

54
00:03:54,196 --> 00:03:56,596
Speaker 1: of those customers who knows the names of all the

55
00:03:56,636 --> 00:04:00,596
Speaker 1: baristas and their moms and their dogs. I love being

56
00:04:00,596 --> 00:04:03,596
Speaker 1: a regular places. It makes me feel like I belong

57
00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:07,276
Speaker 1: to something, and I would say I most certainly belong

58
00:04:07,436 --> 00:04:11,036
Speaker 1: to Big Bear. In nineteen I was the cafe's third

59
00:04:11,076 --> 00:04:14,236
Speaker 1: best customer, an honor that I feel should be included

60
00:04:14,316 --> 00:04:17,276
Speaker 1: not only on my CV but also engraved on my headstone.

61
00:04:17,876 --> 00:04:22,996
Speaker 1: Thank you. I appreciate it. So yeah, I love the place,

62
00:04:25,356 --> 00:04:28,956
Speaker 1: but with apologies to the cafes owner Stu. I don't

63
00:04:28,996 --> 00:04:32,076
Speaker 1: love Big Bear because of the food, which is food,

64
00:04:32,596 --> 00:04:34,996
Speaker 1: or the coffee which I don't drink, or the Wi

65
00:04:35,076 --> 00:04:38,636
Speaker 1: Fi which is only slightly faster than dial up. I

66
00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:42,116
Speaker 1: love it because of its charming, rotating cast of characters,

67
00:04:42,396 --> 00:04:44,556
Speaker 1: all of whom know that I am an icy addict

68
00:04:44,556 --> 00:04:48,076
Speaker 1: and served me accordingly. I also love Big Bear because

69
00:04:48,116 --> 00:04:50,836
Speaker 1: it is part of my routine, and I am deeply

70
00:04:51,116 --> 00:05:01,556
Speaker 1: attached to my routine. Okay, or I was. Five days

71
00:05:01,636 --> 00:05:05,556
Speaker 1: after the World Health Organization declared COVID a pandemic, all

72
00:05:05,636 --> 00:05:09,516
Speaker 1: the restaurants, bars and cafes and DC closed. That was

73
00:05:09,556 --> 00:05:13,636
Speaker 1: the beginning of my upending, because it meant that I

74
00:05:13,676 --> 00:05:15,956
Speaker 1: would not be popping over to Big Bear for a

75
00:05:16,076 --> 00:05:19,396
Speaker 1: day's worth of work in a perfectly fine sandwich, not

76
00:05:19,516 --> 00:05:21,956
Speaker 1: that week or the week after that, or that or

77
00:05:21,996 --> 00:05:25,876
Speaker 1: that or that. In an instant, my routine sailed out.

78
00:05:25,876 --> 00:05:39,036
Speaker 1: The window. Pundits kept saying that life as we knew

79
00:05:39,036 --> 00:05:42,116
Speaker 1: it had changed forever, which was really not going to

80
00:05:42,156 --> 00:05:47,756
Speaker 1: work for me. The COVID nineteen pandemic has transformed all

81
00:05:47,876 --> 00:05:52,356
Speaker 1: our lives. Lockdowns have forced us to change how we socialize,

82
00:05:53,276 --> 00:05:59,116
Speaker 1: how we shot work. Oh, lady from the economists, get

83
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:02,836
Speaker 1: into it, sell it to me, honey. The results showed

84
00:06:03,036 --> 00:06:05,836
Speaker 1: that the world is never going to be the same again.

85
00:06:08,316 --> 00:06:11,116
Speaker 1: Somehow dooms stay. Prophecies don't sound so bad when they're

86
00:06:11,156 --> 00:06:14,476
Speaker 1: delivered with a British accent. Anyway, at that point in

87
00:06:14,516 --> 00:06:17,476
Speaker 1: the pandemic, I was like, oh, hell, no, things will

88
00:06:17,596 --> 00:06:20,716
Speaker 1: and must go back to normal, or at least I

89
00:06:20,716 --> 00:06:24,116
Speaker 1: had to make things normal for myself. So I continued

90
00:06:24,196 --> 00:06:26,316
Speaker 1: to pack up my laptop and go to Big Bear,

91
00:06:26,716 --> 00:06:29,996
Speaker 1: even though they weren't open. I would put on real clothes,

92
00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:32,276
Speaker 1: hop on my bike and pedal down to the cafe.

93
00:06:33,396 --> 00:06:35,916
Speaker 1: Then I would sit on an empty patio, pull out

94
00:06:35,956 --> 00:06:38,716
Speaker 1: my laptop, hot spot off my phone, and try to

95
00:06:38,756 --> 00:06:42,916
Speaker 1: get some work done. Recently, I made that admission to

96
00:06:42,996 --> 00:06:45,436
Speaker 1: my young friend Kayla, who was the manager there at

97
00:06:45,436 --> 00:06:49,476
Speaker 1: the time. So I came here when you had shut down,

98
00:06:50,036 --> 00:06:52,876
Speaker 1: like nobody was here. I guess I want to know, like,

99
00:06:53,276 --> 00:07:00,596
Speaker 1: did you know that I was doing that? No, No,

100
00:07:00,756 --> 00:07:03,156
Speaker 1: we didn't know you were doing that. STU probably knew

101
00:07:03,636 --> 00:07:05,636
Speaker 1: he probably saw you a couple of times, but of

102
00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:11,156
Speaker 1: course we don't really care what you're doing here. It

103
00:07:12,036 --> 00:07:17,716
Speaker 1: like it kind of seemed sad, like like like, is

104
00:07:17,716 --> 00:07:19,596
Speaker 1: it sad to you that I was doing that? Or

105
00:07:19,596 --> 00:07:25,716
Speaker 1: were you? Though? No, this not I'd totally get that, Like, say,

106
00:07:25,756 --> 00:07:28,276
Speaker 1: if you forced yourself to like stay in the house,

107
00:07:28,316 --> 00:07:32,916
Speaker 1: you probably would have been so sad. Sure, Kayla and

108
00:07:32,956 --> 00:07:35,396
Speaker 1: the cafe crew might not have been fussed by me

109
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:38,156
Speaker 1: camping out on the patio by myself when they were closed.

110
00:07:38,676 --> 00:07:42,356
Speaker 1: They're good eggs like that, But in retrospect, my reaction

111
00:07:42,436 --> 00:07:46,276
Speaker 1: to the shutdown doesn't feel entirely typical or even that

112
00:07:46,356 --> 00:07:49,276
Speaker 1: well thought out. I mean, it didn't even really work.

113
00:07:49,596 --> 00:07:52,556
Speaker 1: The umbrella tables were put away, and the spring sun

114
00:07:52,636 --> 00:07:56,036
Speaker 1: was relentless, I couldn't see my laptop screen, my cell

115
00:07:56,036 --> 00:07:58,596
Speaker 1: phone WiFi was spotty, and I had to bring my

116
00:07:58,596 --> 00:08:02,556
Speaker 1: own iced tea. Dumb. The whole thing seemed a little

117
00:08:02,596 --> 00:08:06,996
Speaker 1: bananas also kind of pathetic, and if I'm being honest,

118
00:08:07,076 --> 00:08:11,556
Speaker 1: like a teeny bit stockery looking back, maybe all this

119
00:08:11,676 --> 00:08:14,596
Speaker 1: holding onto normalcy at all costs when it doesn't even

120
00:08:14,636 --> 00:08:17,636
Speaker 1: make sense. Whack a donis should have been a clue

121
00:08:17,716 --> 00:08:26,516
Speaker 1: that something was up with my brain. There were other clues,

122
00:08:26,916 --> 00:08:29,396
Speaker 1: like the whole grocery shopping for two weeks worth of

123
00:08:29,436 --> 00:08:33,396
Speaker 1: supplies thing. I remember having a huge meltdown when my

124
00:08:33,436 --> 00:08:36,996
Speaker 1: partner Hannah suggested I consider doing this to prepare for

125
00:08:37,076 --> 00:08:40,476
Speaker 1: any temporary grocery closures. That was in the days of

126
00:08:40,516 --> 00:08:43,876
Speaker 1: magical thinking, when we thought the pandemic would miraculously blow

127
00:08:43,916 --> 00:08:48,156
Speaker 1: over in less than a month. Hilarious. When Hannah told

128
00:08:48,156 --> 00:08:50,116
Speaker 1: me I might want to go do a big shop,

129
00:08:50,316 --> 00:08:53,276
Speaker 1: I lost it. It went a little something like this

130
00:08:53,996 --> 00:08:59,476
Speaker 1: location my kitchen time mid March, Hannah, I think you

131
00:08:59,596 --> 00:09:02,836
Speaker 1: really need to buy two weeks worth of groceries because

132
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:07,156
Speaker 1: we just don't know how this thing is going to go. Me,

133
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,716
Speaker 1: why do you think I can chop two weeks worth

134
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,636
Speaker 1: of groceries. I can barely shop for one week of

135
00:09:12,716 --> 00:09:15,836
Speaker 1: groceries one day of groceries. I don't know how to

136
00:09:15,876 --> 00:09:18,236
Speaker 1: do that. That's so stressful. Why are you making me

137
00:09:18,316 --> 00:09:23,796
Speaker 1: do that? I can't cute crying and seen as a

138
00:09:23,836 --> 00:09:27,036
Speaker 1: person who has lived by herself for her whole adult life,

139
00:09:27,076 --> 00:09:29,636
Speaker 1: I shop when I need food, and I shop for

140
00:09:29,676 --> 00:09:32,916
Speaker 1: one The idea of prepping for weeks, even just days

141
00:09:32,956 --> 00:09:38,596
Speaker 1: worth of meals laughable, unthinkable, impossible. I just can't wrap

142
00:09:38,676 --> 00:09:42,036
Speaker 1: my tiny brain around that kind of planning. My executive

143
00:09:42,076 --> 00:09:46,596
Speaker 1: functioning doesn't seem to extend to comestibles, which is why

144
00:09:46,636 --> 00:09:51,756
Speaker 1: Hannah's simple suggestion felt so destabilizing. I have my routine,

145
00:09:52,316 --> 00:09:55,196
Speaker 1: my way of doing things, and to deviate from that

146
00:09:55,276 --> 00:09:58,196
Speaker 1: feels like being on one of those spinny amusement park

147
00:09:58,276 --> 00:10:00,436
Speaker 1: rides where you're whirling around and all of a sudden,

148
00:10:00,436 --> 00:10:03,756
Speaker 1: the bottom drops out. It's a lack of control I

149
00:10:03,836 --> 00:10:07,036
Speaker 1: don't like to think about. And yet that's exactly what

150
00:10:07,076 --> 00:10:10,276
Speaker 1: the pandemic did. It stripped all of us of control

151
00:10:10,436 --> 00:10:13,796
Speaker 1: over our own lives, over our comings and goings, our

152
00:10:13,836 --> 00:10:20,396
Speaker 1: safe havens, our good times. Now seems like a good

153
00:10:20,396 --> 00:10:23,716
Speaker 1: time to acknowledge that pouting over your favorite coffee shop

154
00:10:23,756 --> 00:10:28,156
Speaker 1: closing or having to do extra grocery shopping seems ridiculous

155
00:10:28,196 --> 00:10:32,196
Speaker 1: when actual people were literally dying from a mystery virus

156
00:10:32,236 --> 00:10:35,516
Speaker 1: floating in the air. I know that, and if I

157
00:10:35,556 --> 00:10:40,036
Speaker 1: could hug every nurse and respiratory therapist and paramedic who

158
00:10:40,076 --> 00:10:44,716
Speaker 1: had to muscle through death after death after death, I would,

159
00:10:45,556 --> 00:10:48,676
Speaker 1: But also the pandemic took a toll on all of us,

160
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:53,836
Speaker 1: maybe just in smaller, less visible ways, lost jobs and

161
00:10:53,956 --> 00:10:58,636
Speaker 1: fractured relationships and hard truths. For me, the pandemic turned

162
00:10:58,636 --> 00:11:01,796
Speaker 1: me upside down and shook me out like a lunchroom bully,

163
00:11:01,836 --> 00:11:05,756
Speaker 1: and it fundamentally changed what I thought I knew about myself.

164
00:11:09,516 --> 00:11:12,796
Speaker 1: Sitting at Big Bear and shopping for groceries every few days,

165
00:11:12,836 --> 00:11:15,596
Speaker 1: and riding my bike to my recording studio and heading

166
00:11:15,596 --> 00:11:17,796
Speaker 1: out for lunch every day and going to the movies

167
00:11:17,836 --> 00:11:20,916
Speaker 1: were just some of the things that made me feel stable,

168
00:11:21,396 --> 00:11:23,836
Speaker 1: that helped me cope in a world where I never

169
00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:27,356
Speaker 1: quite felt like I fit like all of the bad

170
00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:30,356
Speaker 1: thoughts I had about myself could mostly be held at bay,

171
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:33,236
Speaker 1: so long as I had this scaffolding in place to

172
00:11:33,316 --> 00:11:38,116
Speaker 1: hold me up. And then, without much warning, the scaffolding collapsed.

173
00:11:40,996 --> 00:11:51,516
Speaker 1: And when the scaffolding collapses, the meltdowns come. And what

174
00:11:51,676 --> 00:11:56,036
Speaker 1: exactly is a meltdown? You ask? I appreciate the question.

175
00:11:56,876 --> 00:12:00,676
Speaker 1: Please allow me to introduce the esteemed doctor of nothing,

176
00:12:01,236 --> 00:12:08,716
Speaker 1: doctor ATISMO oh, thank you. Lorn. Meltdowns are extreme emotional responses,

177
00:12:08,756 --> 00:12:12,956
Speaker 1: trink it by the inability to dissipate stress the stress

178
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:17,636
Speaker 1: that precipitates meltdowns can have specific triggers. Those can include

179
00:12:18,116 --> 00:12:23,436
Speaker 1: unexpected changes in plans, loud noises, weird touches, feelings of inadequacy,

180
00:12:23,516 --> 00:12:26,156
Speaker 1: feelings of guilt or shame, conflict with a loved one,

181
00:12:26,396 --> 00:12:30,516
Speaker 1: too much social interaction, not enough social interaction, missing the bus,

182
00:12:30,676 --> 00:12:34,676
Speaker 1: crowded stores, making a mistake, being misunderstood, being told what

183
00:12:34,716 --> 00:12:37,756
Speaker 1: to do, being at the end of your Tessa, your

184
00:12:37,836 --> 00:12:41,036
Speaker 1: stupid dumb neighbors doing karaoke at three in the afternoon.

185
00:12:44,076 --> 00:12:48,196
Speaker 1: As you can see, systimulus is often mild, though it

186
00:12:48,236 --> 00:12:51,476
Speaker 1: does not feel that way to an autistic person. Meltdowns

187
00:12:51,556 --> 00:12:55,516
Speaker 1: tend to be a complete emotional collapse that can also

188
00:12:55,596 --> 00:13:00,556
Speaker 1: be accompanied by a range of physiological responses. Those include,

189
00:13:00,596 --> 00:13:04,916
Speaker 1: but are not limited to, increased heart rate, hyperventilation, shaking

190
00:13:04,996 --> 00:13:10,476
Speaker 1: or trembling, headache, disorientation, sweating, growth, confused, and just really

191
00:13:10,636 --> 00:13:16,436
Speaker 1: feeling like shit. Meltdowns are very distressing for the person

192
00:13:16,476 --> 00:13:19,476
Speaker 1: having them, as well as for people who might witness them.

193
00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:24,396
Speaker 1: But meltdowns are not timber tantrums. The person experiencing the

194
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:27,636
Speaker 1: meltdown is not trying to get their way or extract

195
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:32,436
Speaker 1: anything from anyone. Watching Zay are simply suffering an intense

196
00:13:32,516 --> 00:13:37,036
Speaker 1: response to an overwhelming situation. So if you see a

197
00:13:37,116 --> 00:13:40,276
Speaker 1: meltdown happen out in the world, don't be a jerk.

198
00:13:40,956 --> 00:13:44,236
Speaker 1: That is my medical advice, and I am an expert,

199
00:13:44,276 --> 00:13:47,476
Speaker 1: so you have to listen to me. Thanks doctor Atizmo,

200
00:13:47,996 --> 00:13:58,556
Speaker 1: You're welcome. I talked to my partner Hannah about this recently.

201
00:13:58,996 --> 00:14:01,436
Speaker 1: It's like you see yourself melting down, melting down, and

202
00:14:01,556 --> 00:14:05,716
Speaker 1: like suddenly, like all of your masking and coping mechanisms

203
00:14:05,756 --> 00:14:08,756
Speaker 1: are kind of like falling apart. F why I masking

204
00:14:08,836 --> 00:14:11,596
Speaker 1: is working real hard just to seem like everyone else.

205
00:14:12,156 --> 00:14:16,116
Speaker 1: It's also called camouflaging, like hiding in plain sight. Well

206
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,956
Speaker 1: also because if you're in your house all the time,

207
00:14:17,996 --> 00:14:20,516
Speaker 1: what are you asking for? Yeah, that's what I said before.

208
00:14:20,556 --> 00:14:21,956
Speaker 1: What are you asking for? It's like that I'm not

209
00:14:21,956 --> 00:14:23,636
Speaker 1: wearing a bra, I'm not doing this. It would be

210
00:14:23,676 --> 00:14:29,076
Speaker 1: like all of your kind of avoidance coping mechanisms, which

211
00:14:29,156 --> 00:14:32,956
Speaker 1: we will label masking, that whole system that you've set

212
00:14:32,996 --> 00:14:35,196
Speaker 1: up over forty two years of like I can figure

213
00:14:35,236 --> 00:14:36,996
Speaker 1: out how to do this, and I hold myself together

214
00:14:37,076 --> 00:14:39,076
Speaker 1: like this, and I go to Big Bear and I

215
00:14:39,116 --> 00:14:42,236
Speaker 1: know how to be in social situations, and then I

216
00:14:42,276 --> 00:14:45,076
Speaker 1: know how to blah blah blah, Like the whole system

217
00:14:45,156 --> 00:14:49,476
Speaker 1: that you have figured out for yourself to mask pandemic

218
00:14:49,516 --> 00:14:52,876
Speaker 1: comes and it all falls apart, like it doesn't work anymore,

219
00:14:52,876 --> 00:14:55,436
Speaker 1: it's not necessary, it's not the appropriate one, Like it

220
00:14:55,596 --> 00:14:59,076
Speaker 1: just doesn't work and it is not right for the moment,

221
00:14:59,676 --> 00:15:03,476
Speaker 1: all that upheaval, that inability to cope laid a few

222
00:15:03,516 --> 00:15:07,556
Speaker 1: things bear for me, like this isn't right, this isn't normal.

223
00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:11,396
Speaker 1: I just felt so off. It was like a confluence

224
00:15:11,436 --> 00:15:15,036
Speaker 1: of all of these things, and then it sort of lockdown.

225
00:15:16,796 --> 00:15:22,916
Speaker 1: It's like your attention just gets laser focused, Like my

226
00:15:22,996 --> 00:15:28,876
Speaker 1: attention got laser focused on a couple of things, my

227
00:15:29,036 --> 00:15:35,636
Speaker 1: work and this idea, the idea of me possibly being

228
00:15:35,676 --> 00:15:39,636
Speaker 1: on the spectrum. I couldn't cook for myself. I could

229
00:15:39,676 --> 00:15:43,636
Speaker 1: barely do my laundry, like it was so disordered. There

230
00:15:43,636 --> 00:15:48,276
Speaker 1: are certain like like naked truth that emerge when you're

231
00:15:48,276 --> 00:15:51,956
Speaker 1: like trapped in a house by yourself during a pandemic.

232
00:15:52,596 --> 00:15:55,516
Speaker 1: Then you otherwise might be able to more easily avoid

233
00:15:55,796 --> 00:15:58,396
Speaker 1: and they suddenly start to like consume you. And then

234
00:15:58,516 --> 00:16:02,116
Speaker 1: the maildowns came also like I had to think about

235
00:16:02,876 --> 00:16:10,876
Speaker 1: the particular flavor of meltdown that I had, which seems

236
00:16:10,916 --> 00:16:16,556
Speaker 1: completely irrational in ways, like how people describing in solitary

237
00:16:16,556 --> 00:16:18,996
Speaker 1: and it makes you nuts because you're just like there

238
00:16:19,116 --> 00:16:21,436
Speaker 1: by yourself with your problems and your thoughts. It's a

239
00:16:21,436 --> 00:16:24,316
Speaker 1: little bit more like that. It's like you see yourself

240
00:16:24,356 --> 00:16:27,636
Speaker 1: melting down, melting down, and like suddenly like all of

241
00:16:27,676 --> 00:16:33,196
Speaker 1: your masking and coping mechanisms are kind of like falling apart. Okay, sidebar,

242
00:16:33,316 --> 00:16:35,796
Speaker 1: I'm not comparing my experience of the pandemic with that

243
00:16:35,876 --> 00:16:38,956
Speaker 1: of people in solitary confinement. That is an unconsortably cruel

244
00:16:38,996 --> 00:16:42,036
Speaker 1: punishment that no humans should be subjected to. I'm sure

245
00:16:42,076 --> 00:16:45,676
Speaker 1: there is a way in which a pandemic slash quarantine,

246
00:16:46,196 --> 00:16:50,356
Speaker 1: you know, forces you to see the elephant in the room.

247
00:16:50,556 --> 00:16:53,316
Speaker 1: We'll find out what that elephant in the room was

248
00:16:53,996 --> 00:17:07,316
Speaker 1: after a quick break. How's that for a transition. When

249
00:17:07,316 --> 00:17:10,196
Speaker 1: you're an adult looking for any order of diagnosis for

250
00:17:10,276 --> 00:17:16,236
Speaker 1: a neurodivergent condition, be it autism, ADHD, sensory processing issues, whatever,

251
00:17:17,076 --> 00:17:19,996
Speaker 1: good luck to you. Because the world of support for

252
00:17:20,236 --> 00:17:24,356
Speaker 1: neurodivergent people is mostly set up to serve children, and

253
00:17:24,516 --> 00:17:26,796
Speaker 1: while I could laugh at farts all day long, I

254
00:17:26,836 --> 00:17:29,156
Speaker 1: am not a child. I am an adult with a

255
00:17:29,236 --> 00:17:32,596
Speaker 1: job and health insurance and many connections in my community.

256
00:17:33,316 --> 00:17:36,516
Speaker 1: But when it came time to find a diagnostician who

257
00:17:36,676 --> 00:17:40,156
Speaker 1: was qualified to work with adults, and particularly adults who

258
00:17:40,196 --> 00:17:43,396
Speaker 1: are not men, it was like needle in haystack times.

259
00:17:44,156 --> 00:17:46,756
Speaker 1: At first, I didn't even know who could diagnose me.

260
00:17:46,956 --> 00:17:49,836
Speaker 1: Would it be a psychiatrist or a neurologist, or like

261
00:17:49,876 --> 00:17:53,636
Speaker 1: a dude on the street. The answer was it depended.

262
00:17:54,316 --> 00:17:58,316
Speaker 1: Autism spectrum disorder, as it's clinically referred to, is not

263
00:17:58,596 --> 00:18:03,196
Speaker 1: a mental health condition. It is technically a developmental disability,

264
00:18:03,636 --> 00:18:07,436
Speaker 1: though there can be co occurring mental health issues, and

265
00:18:07,596 --> 00:18:12,116
Speaker 1: autism is highly visual. When I was looking for a diagnosis,

266
00:18:12,156 --> 00:18:16,076
Speaker 1: I happened upon this saying, if you know one autistic person,

267
00:18:16,476 --> 00:18:21,636
Speaker 1: you know one autistic person. Cool. So that means that

268
00:18:21,756 --> 00:18:24,676
Speaker 1: landing on a professional who was qualified to evaluate me

269
00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:27,836
Speaker 1: was not as simple as thumbing through the yellow pages,

270
00:18:28,356 --> 00:18:31,596
Speaker 1: and not just because the yellow pages barely exist. I

271
00:18:31,596 --> 00:18:36,396
Speaker 1: started by googling autism and Washington, DC keyword search on

272
00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:40,756
Speaker 1: point I landed on a local organization for autistic folks

273
00:18:40,756 --> 00:18:43,756
Speaker 1: in DC. They had a resource page on their website,

274
00:18:43,836 --> 00:18:47,396
Speaker 1: and I emailed two of the psychologists on there. One

275
00:18:47,436 --> 00:18:50,476
Speaker 1: wrote back that because of telemedicine rules, she could only

276
00:18:50,516 --> 00:18:54,996
Speaker 1: see virtual clients in Maryland or Virginia, not DC, and

277
00:18:55,076 --> 00:18:58,396
Speaker 1: the other responded that an evaluation would cost upwards of

278
00:18:58,476 --> 00:19:01,796
Speaker 1: thirty five hundred dollars and no, they didn't take insurance.

279
00:19:03,236 --> 00:19:05,836
Speaker 1: Then I got a recommendation from a friend of a friend.

280
00:19:06,236 --> 00:19:09,796
Speaker 1: The note read, doctor White is fabulous and one hundred

281
00:19:09,836 --> 00:19:13,676
Speaker 1: percent gets autism spectrum disorder. Most likely does not take

282
00:19:13,716 --> 00:19:19,036
Speaker 1: any insurance. But I reached out anyway because maybe she'd

283
00:19:19,076 --> 00:19:21,036
Speaker 1: be more reasonable than the other guy if I was

284
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:23,876
Speaker 1: going to have to pay out a pocket and she was,

285
00:19:24,356 --> 00:19:31,356
Speaker 1: but she couldn't get me on her schedule. The more

286
00:19:31,396 --> 00:19:33,916
Speaker 1: I kept running into brick walls in my search for

287
00:19:33,916 --> 00:19:37,596
Speaker 1: an autism evaluation, the more urgent it became to sort

288
00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:41,836
Speaker 1: this out. I almost felt panicky about it, like I

289
00:19:41,956 --> 00:19:44,956
Speaker 1: just see someone about this, or I'm going to combust

290
00:19:45,196 --> 00:19:48,356
Speaker 1: kind of feeling. I reached out to another friend of

291
00:19:48,356 --> 00:19:50,676
Speaker 1: a friend who had recently been diagnosed to see what

292
00:19:50,716 --> 00:19:54,476
Speaker 1: their experience was, and there was even worse. The fact

293
00:19:54,476 --> 00:19:57,236
Speaker 1: that I was black and a fab assigned female at

294
00:19:57,236 --> 00:19:59,756
Speaker 1: birth is what took forty one fucking years for me

295
00:19:59,796 --> 00:20:03,556
Speaker 1: to get a diagnosis right. And that's ridiculous. It's absolutely ridiculous.

296
00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:07,436
Speaker 1: Asiatu that's their name, told me that they had initially

297
00:20:07,476 --> 00:20:11,156
Speaker 1: just diagnosed themselves because they didn't want to deal with therapists.

298
00:20:11,556 --> 00:20:14,556
Speaker 1: I didn't like therapy. Hated therapy. Yeah, I don't like it.

299
00:20:14,556 --> 00:20:17,956
Speaker 1: It's a system, it's racist, it's misogynistic. The way that

300
00:20:18,076 --> 00:20:21,996
Speaker 1: therapists are taught is also very ablest, and I just

301
00:20:22,116 --> 00:20:24,236
Speaker 1: don't like it. And so I was just like, oh, man,

302
00:20:24,276 --> 00:20:26,916
Speaker 1: I really don't want to fucking go through therapy again

303
00:20:27,116 --> 00:20:29,996
Speaker 1: to get this diagnosis right. And I was like, okay,

304
00:20:30,036 --> 00:20:33,276
Speaker 1: so if I do happen to want to pursue a diagnosis,

305
00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:35,236
Speaker 1: I was like, I need someone black, I need someone

306
00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:41,556
Speaker 1: non man, and I need someone preferably queer and just

307
00:20:42,996 --> 00:20:47,916
Speaker 1: ideally autistic. And I found my unicorn. Sadly, Aziato's unicorn

308
00:20:48,036 --> 00:20:51,956
Speaker 1: was on sabbatical, so I couldn't go see them. But

309
00:20:52,276 --> 00:20:59,316
Speaker 1: something Aziato mentions stuck in my brain self diagnosis. I

310
00:20:59,396 --> 00:21:03,516
Speaker 1: started researching what it meant to basically confirm your own suspicions,

311
00:21:04,036 --> 00:21:07,836
Speaker 1: like I've diagnosed my own facial rashes and lady problems.

312
00:21:08,236 --> 00:21:11,596
Speaker 1: Is it any less valid to diagnose myself as autistic?

313
00:21:12,236 --> 00:21:15,516
Speaker 1: I didn't really know, so I watched some YouTube videos

314
00:21:15,516 --> 00:21:19,356
Speaker 1: on the topic is self diagnosis? Do I think that

315
00:21:19,396 --> 00:21:26,196
Speaker 1: self diagnosing is okay? Yes? Yes I do. Please don't

316
00:21:26,196 --> 00:21:28,116
Speaker 1: think that you're any less valid because you don't have

317
00:21:28,156 --> 00:21:32,316
Speaker 1: access to a diagnosis. What is valid even me? Because

318
00:21:32,356 --> 00:21:34,276
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, only you can know

319
00:21:34,356 --> 00:21:36,836
Speaker 1: how you feel and think, and only you know who

320
00:21:36,876 --> 00:21:41,116
Speaker 1: you are deep inside, and who I am deep inside

321
00:21:41,196 --> 00:21:43,796
Speaker 1: is a person who prefers to have her own suspicions

322
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:50,076
Speaker 1: confirmed by medical professionals. Self identification, however, valid just wasn't

323
00:21:50,116 --> 00:21:52,716
Speaker 1: the answer I was looking for. So I was going

324
00:21:52,796 --> 00:21:59,316
Speaker 1: to get that evaluation, honey. Finally I got connected to

325
00:21:59,356 --> 00:22:02,076
Speaker 1: a pair of women I affectionately refer to as my

326
00:22:02,156 --> 00:22:07,436
Speaker 1: autism fairy godmothers. Donna Henderson is a neuropsychologist and Sarah

327
00:22:07,436 --> 00:22:11,476
Speaker 1: Whaland has a PhD in cognitive psychology. Both work with

328
00:22:11,556 --> 00:22:15,436
Speaker 1: neurodivergent folks, mostly kids, and together they've been writing a

329
00:22:15,436 --> 00:22:20,036
Speaker 1: book about subtle autism, basically autism that is difficult to detect,

330
00:22:20,636 --> 00:22:23,996
Speaker 1: so I asked them for help, like, I gotta get evaluated,

331
00:22:24,116 --> 00:22:26,596
Speaker 1: but why can't I figure this out? Am I a dummy?

332
00:22:27,676 --> 00:22:32,796
Speaker 1: Donna said, I'm not. Literally every single week, both Sarah

333
00:22:32,836 --> 00:22:37,036
Speaker 1: and I see a patient of family where there's clearly autism,

334
00:22:37,476 --> 00:22:40,476
Speaker 1: and it fell through the cracks over and over and

335
00:22:40,516 --> 00:22:45,396
Speaker 1: over again. It's so endlessly frustrating that people can't understand

336
00:22:45,436 --> 00:22:47,876
Speaker 1: themselves in this way when it can be so helpful.

337
00:22:48,396 --> 00:22:52,476
Speaker 1: It's just it's inaccessible, and it's frustrating my autism. Very

338
00:22:52,476 --> 00:22:56,196
Speaker 1: godmother suggested that I look into this autistic psychotherapist in

339
00:22:56,276 --> 00:23:02,076
Speaker 1: Canada whose practice specifically addressed accessible autism evaluations and support.

340
00:23:02,956 --> 00:23:05,836
Speaker 1: Her name is doctor Natlie Engelbrick, and she is really

341
00:23:05,916 --> 00:23:09,516
Speaker 1: into autism, Like, not only is it her job, also

342
00:23:09,716 --> 00:23:12,356
Speaker 1: her hobby. She and her husband and her best friend

343
00:23:12,436 --> 00:23:18,116
Speaker 1: like research neurodiversity on the weekend for funzies. The godmother said,

344
00:23:18,196 --> 00:23:22,396
Speaker 1: doctor Natalie's assessment method seemed thorough and fairly standard, and

345
00:23:22,476 --> 00:23:24,716
Speaker 1: at this point I was done with trying to find

346
00:23:24,756 --> 00:23:27,956
Speaker 1: someone who took insurance or didn't cost of bajillion dollars.

347
00:23:28,556 --> 00:23:32,156
Speaker 1: It's so frustrating to know that care exists, but to

348
00:23:32,316 --> 00:23:35,516
Speaker 1: not have any way to access it, and good Lord,

349
00:23:35,636 --> 00:23:39,596
Speaker 1: I have it easier than most. The system is fucked anyway.

350
00:23:39,676 --> 00:23:42,156
Speaker 1: Doctor Natalie's fees were reasonable and she was looking like

351
00:23:42,156 --> 00:23:46,356
Speaker 1: a real option. After the break, I get cracking on

352
00:23:46,556 --> 00:24:03,836
Speaker 1: making it happen or something. In between bites of chips

353
00:24:03,876 --> 00:24:07,876
Speaker 1: and salsa at a little Mexican restaurant in Wilmington, North Carolina,

354
00:24:07,916 --> 00:24:11,276
Speaker 1: of all places, I just felt like enough was enough.

355
00:24:11,796 --> 00:24:14,636
Speaker 1: I was ready to pull the trigger on my autism suspicions.

356
00:24:14,956 --> 00:24:19,356
Speaker 1: Let's do this thing, doctor Natalie. So before my enchilota came,

357
00:24:19,476 --> 00:24:24,516
Speaker 1: I pulled out my phone and composed this email. Dear

358
00:24:24,636 --> 00:24:28,116
Speaker 1: doctor Ingelbricht, I am writing to inquire about the possibility

359
00:24:28,116 --> 00:24:31,676
Speaker 1: of getting evaluated for autism. I've suspected that i might

360
00:24:31,676 --> 00:24:33,996
Speaker 1: be autistic for some time, but I've had a hard

361
00:24:33,996 --> 00:24:36,396
Speaker 1: time landing on a professional who might be able to

362
00:24:36,436 --> 00:24:39,556
Speaker 1: evaluate me. I was referred to you by a psychologist

363
00:24:39,596 --> 00:24:41,796
Speaker 1: friend here in the US, and I'd love to get

364
00:24:41,836 --> 00:24:44,756
Speaker 1: some more information as to what is involved in this process.

365
00:24:45,356 --> 00:24:50,956
Speaker 1: Many thanks, sincerely, Lauren over And then it happened. It started.

366
00:24:51,036 --> 00:24:53,916
Speaker 1: Oh fantastic. I connected with doctor Natalie, going, can you

367
00:24:53,956 --> 00:24:56,636
Speaker 1: give me an ID. Say my name is. I am

368
00:24:56,636 --> 00:24:59,876
Speaker 1: a bloppy blop whatever you all your titles are, however

369
00:24:59,916 --> 00:25:03,836
Speaker 1: you want to identify yourself, I'm sure so you mean

370
00:25:03,956 --> 00:25:06,996
Speaker 1: right now, just say my name is yep, my name

371
00:25:07,076 --> 00:25:11,916
Speaker 1: is doctor Natalie Angelbrecht, and I am a registered psychotherapist

372
00:25:11,996 --> 00:25:16,356
Speaker 1: as well as an atropathic doctor. One reason for doctor

373
00:25:16,436 --> 00:25:21,396
Speaker 1: Natalie's clinical interest in autism is that doctor Natalie is autistic,

374
00:25:21,876 --> 00:25:24,596
Speaker 1: so is her husband Martin. A lot of my practice

375
00:25:24,676 --> 00:25:30,236
Speaker 1: is autism. I do a lot of assessments and diagnoses,

376
00:25:30,316 --> 00:25:34,396
Speaker 1: and I also see a lot of people in the spectrum.

377
00:25:34,396 --> 00:25:38,276
Speaker 1: And that just was something that sort of quietly happened.

378
00:25:38,636 --> 00:25:40,876
Speaker 1: She had been writing a lot about autism when Martin

379
00:25:41,076 --> 00:25:44,916
Speaker 1: encouraged her to broaden her practice to assessments. I was like,

380
00:25:45,076 --> 00:25:47,836
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's needed, you know. And then

381
00:25:47,916 --> 00:25:53,156
Speaker 1: people start finding me that I'm this psychotherapist that actually

382
00:25:53,196 --> 00:25:57,996
Speaker 1: has autism herself, and I didn't realize that would be

383
00:25:58,596 --> 00:26:03,396
Speaker 1: something that would be a good thing, But turns out

384
00:26:03,516 --> 00:26:06,956
Speaker 1: people like to get help from folks who are like them. Also,

385
00:26:07,236 --> 00:26:11,916
Speaker 1: studies have shown that people with spectrum traits have slightly

386
00:26:12,076 --> 00:26:16,916
Speaker 1: higher social psychological skills, meaning that according to these studies,

387
00:26:17,036 --> 00:26:21,876
Speaker 1: autistic people are marginally better at accurately judging the feelings, thoughts,

388
00:26:21,876 --> 00:26:26,036
Speaker 1: and behaviors of people as a group, though not necessarily individuals.

389
00:26:26,516 --> 00:26:30,276
Speaker 1: So autistic therapists are for sure a good thing. Did

390
00:26:30,276 --> 00:26:32,796
Speaker 1: I just blow your mind? We sort of come off

391
00:26:32,836 --> 00:26:38,996
Speaker 1: as a psychic, but we're not. We're picking up patterns

392
00:26:39,076 --> 00:26:41,996
Speaker 1: that we don't even really know we're picking up quite often.

393
00:26:42,436 --> 00:26:45,796
Speaker 1: So that's doctor Natalie. She's not a psychic, but she's

394
00:26:45,836 --> 00:26:50,196
Speaker 1: into science, she's into autism, and she's into being Canadian. A.

395
00:26:51,036 --> 00:26:52,796
Speaker 1: I don't know about that last part. I just made

396
00:26:52,836 --> 00:26:56,636
Speaker 1: that up. After talking with doctor Natalie, I felt comfortable

397
00:26:56,716 --> 00:27:00,036
Speaker 1: putting my trust in her into her methodology. First step,

398
00:27:00,356 --> 00:27:04,036
Speaker 1: pay her the money. The whole enterprise an initial assessment

399
00:27:04,156 --> 00:27:07,116
Speaker 1: and a follow up diagnosis if needed costs under a

400
00:27:07,196 --> 00:27:11,396
Speaker 1: thousand dollars, which isn't cheap, but hey, doctor Natalie has

401
00:27:11,396 --> 00:27:14,836
Speaker 1: to eat too. I recorded myself walking through the whole

402
00:27:14,876 --> 00:27:20,316
Speaker 1: payment process in November of pandemic year number one. So strange.

403
00:27:21,676 --> 00:27:27,236
Speaker 1: Just feels so transactional, like not how I anticipated doing

404
00:27:27,276 --> 00:27:32,076
Speaker 1: some kind of screening. I mean, after all of the

405
00:27:32,116 --> 00:27:36,316
Speaker 1: different people I reached out to and contacted. You know

406
00:27:36,396 --> 00:27:41,436
Speaker 1: about whether or not they do screenings of adults, and

407
00:27:41,476 --> 00:27:44,036
Speaker 1: whether they take insurance, and how much it costs and

408
00:27:44,116 --> 00:27:46,356
Speaker 1: all that stuff. Just to be sort of plunking down

409
00:27:46,396 --> 00:27:49,676
Speaker 1: three hundred and fifty dollars for an initial assessment seems

410
00:27:49,716 --> 00:27:54,196
Speaker 1: like too easy, but also like, is this how medicine

411
00:27:54,276 --> 00:27:57,076
Speaker 1: is supposed to work? I believe that in the absence

412
00:27:57,116 --> 00:28:01,436
Speaker 1: of an equitable, affordable system of care with competent, conscientious providers.

413
00:28:01,516 --> 00:28:06,796
Speaker 1: The answer to that question is yes. Oh great, Now

414
00:28:06,876 --> 00:28:16,716
Speaker 1: what we perceived your payment for autism screening assessment. I'll

415
00:28:16,796 --> 00:28:23,756
Speaker 1: just screenshot that once we squared up. Doctor Natalie sent

416
00:28:23,796 --> 00:28:27,516
Speaker 1: me a screening questionnaire which consisted of twelve written questions

417
00:28:27,876 --> 00:28:32,916
Speaker 1: and links to six standard psychometric tests used in autism evaluations.

418
00:28:33,596 --> 00:28:38,156
Speaker 1: Who thank you for your payment. Upload your screening questionnaire.

419
00:28:38,396 --> 00:28:42,196
Speaker 1: Use this upload link for your documents. Girlfriend Hannah was

420
00:28:42,236 --> 00:28:45,196
Speaker 1: over when I got the screening packet and the email. Wait,

421
00:28:45,236 --> 00:28:50,556
Speaker 1: hold on the screening questionnaire. Huh? If you heard how

422
00:28:50,596 --> 00:28:52,876
Speaker 1: you read that, it'd be like, Oh, don't worry about it,

423
00:28:52,996 --> 00:29:00,676
Speaker 1: just don't don't bother what upload your questionnaire? I literally

424
00:29:00,676 --> 00:29:04,076
Speaker 1: did not sound like that. Literally sounded like that it's

425
00:29:04,156 --> 00:29:08,596
Speaker 1: not true. Wait, I gotta read the directions. I read

426
00:29:08,636 --> 00:29:11,116
Speaker 1: a few of the twelve questions out loud before I

427
00:29:11,156 --> 00:29:14,196
Speaker 1: sat down to answer them. What differences in social interactions

428
00:29:14,196 --> 00:29:19,156
Speaker 1: do you experience? Which as emotions, interests, initiating, conversations, interrupting?

429
00:29:19,356 --> 00:29:24,036
Speaker 1: Now I know I went to talk. That's like a

430
00:29:24,076 --> 00:29:27,476
Speaker 1: big one for me. What is your experience with routine?

431
00:29:28,116 --> 00:29:32,436
Speaker 1: How do you feel about changes in transition? I don't

432
00:29:32,636 --> 00:29:36,756
Speaker 1: like them? Okay? Could I write that? Yeah? I think

433
00:29:36,756 --> 00:29:39,156
Speaker 1: that you need to set aside. What is your experience

434
00:29:39,196 --> 00:29:41,436
Speaker 1: with the routine? I like them and I don't like

435
00:29:41,516 --> 00:29:46,516
Speaker 1: when it changes. Do you regularly eat the same food

436
00:29:46,676 --> 00:29:55,596
Speaker 1: or wear the same clothes? What would you answer for me? Yes? Okay?

437
00:29:55,676 --> 00:29:58,196
Speaker 1: So I got the written questions, I got the six

438
00:29:58,236 --> 00:30:01,676
Speaker 1: psychometric tests. I was ready to do the thing, and

439
00:30:01,716 --> 00:30:05,596
Speaker 1: then many days later, I haven't done the test yet.

440
00:30:08,076 --> 00:30:12,996
Speaker 1: Do you want to do it right now? No? Why

441
00:30:12,996 --> 00:30:19,476
Speaker 1: haven't you done it? I don't know. Well, let's do

442
00:30:19,516 --> 00:30:21,996
Speaker 1: it right now. I can't do it with you. It's

443
00:30:21,996 --> 00:30:27,156
Speaker 1: like a personal thing. I guess quite better if you

444
00:30:27,236 --> 00:30:29,236
Speaker 1: do it with me. Why would I do it with you?

445
00:30:30,436 --> 00:30:36,876
Speaker 1: Because you're gonna lie? Got gonna lie? Yeah, I'm gonna

446
00:30:36,876 --> 00:30:39,276
Speaker 1: hold you out. You're gonna be like, they're gonna ask

447
00:30:39,276 --> 00:30:41,996
Speaker 1: a question like like do you speak in a loud voice?

448
00:30:41,996 --> 00:30:43,996
Speaker 1: And you're gonna be like, no, what are you talking about?

449
00:30:44,036 --> 00:30:46,236
Speaker 1: Of course I know that I speaking jobs. It's gonna

450
00:30:46,236 --> 00:30:48,596
Speaker 1: be like, no, I han't about as much as anyone else.

451
00:30:48,636 --> 00:30:50,836
Speaker 1: First of all, of course, I know those things rides

452
00:30:50,876 --> 00:30:53,356
Speaker 1: smoothly on an airplane. I'm like, yeah, if I just

453
00:30:53,396 --> 00:30:59,116
Speaker 1: get my snacks, what's wrong with having snacks on the airplane? Exactly?

454
00:30:59,116 --> 00:31:02,636
Speaker 1: That's how you're gonna answer all the questions. Of course,

455
00:31:02,796 --> 00:31:06,076
Speaker 1: Hannah is goofing with me. Our rapport is just sometimes

456
00:31:06,116 --> 00:31:09,236
Speaker 1: pokey like that. She didn't actually want to do the

457
00:31:09,276 --> 00:31:12,076
Speaker 1: evaluation with me. She was just trying to ease the

458
00:31:12,156 --> 00:31:15,796
Speaker 1: anxiety and trepidation of the whole thing. Because it's scary

459
00:31:15,916 --> 00:31:18,916
Speaker 1: to answer those types of questions and provide at least

460
00:31:18,956 --> 00:31:22,996
Speaker 1: three examples that support your answers and then send them

461
00:31:22,996 --> 00:31:26,516
Speaker 1: along to doctor Natalie. It's like flaying yourself in front

462
00:31:26,516 --> 00:31:30,196
Speaker 1: of a perfect stranger, like here are my guts. But

463
00:31:30,636 --> 00:31:33,036
Speaker 1: if I wanted to see this thing through, if I

464
00:31:33,116 --> 00:31:36,236
Speaker 1: wanted to get some answers, I had to put pen

465
00:31:36,316 --> 00:31:44,836
Speaker 1: to paper and start answering, And so I did You've

466
00:31:44,876 --> 00:31:48,276
Speaker 1: been listening to the Loudest Girl in the World. It's hosted, written,

467
00:31:48,356 --> 00:31:52,116
Speaker 1: end executive produced by me Lauren Ober. Our senior producer

468
00:31:52,236 --> 00:31:56,756
Speaker 1: is writer Alsop. Our associate producer is David Jaw. Sophie

469
00:31:56,756 --> 00:32:00,316
Speaker 1: Crane is our showrunner and senior editor Jay Gorski is

470
00:32:00,316 --> 00:32:04,276
Speaker 1: our mix engineer. Music composed by my autistic Kiwie Pale

471
00:32:04,596 --> 00:32:08,596
Speaker 1: the Inimitable Lady Hawk. Our artwork was created by the

472
00:32:08,636 --> 00:32:12,836
Speaker 1: autistic illustrator Loretta Ipsump. The show was fact checked by

473
00:32:12,916 --> 00:32:17,516
Speaker 1: Andrea Lopez Cruzado, and our autism consultant is Sarah Cappett.

474
00:32:17,756 --> 00:32:29,076
Speaker 1: Our executive producers are Mia Lobell and Lita Mullat. Doctor

475
00:32:29,076 --> 00:32:33,276
Speaker 1: Autismo was played by theatrical genius Kevin Zach. Check him

476
00:32:33,276 --> 00:32:37,756
Speaker 1: out on Instagram at Kevin J. Zach That's zach Zak.

477
00:32:38,676 --> 00:32:43,076
Speaker 1: You can find doctor Natalie Engelbrecht online at Embrace hyphen

478
00:32:43,196 --> 00:32:48,956
Speaker 1: Autism dot com. Special thanks to Aziatu, Laoie Kala Gray

479
00:32:49,116 --> 00:32:53,436
Speaker 1: and my autism fairy godmothers, doctor Donna Henderson and doctor

480
00:32:53,476 --> 00:32:57,196
Speaker 1: Sarah Wayland. And thanks to you friend for listening