1
00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:07,800
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls Podcasts, a

2
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:12,680
Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the

3
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,800
Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

4
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:20,480
Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford,

5
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:25,480
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information,

6
00:00:26,079 --> 00:00:29,880
Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.

7
00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:32,800
Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning

8
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,440
Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a

9
00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:45,440
Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all,

10
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,760
Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for Sessions Company, one

11
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,440
Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Today's episode it's

12
00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:57,440
Speaker 1: all about being more mindful and intentional in your relationship

13
00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:01,720
Speaker 1: with your partner. For this convert station, I was joined

14
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:06,080
Speaker 1: by Melissa Doomas. Melissa is a licensed marriage and family

15
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:10,840
Speaker 1: therapist who specializes in guiding clients through the complexities of

16
00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:16,360
Speaker 1: overcoming emotional and physical trauma and grief and loss. Melissa

17
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:23,800
Speaker 1: passionately supports women through the everyday stressors of modern womanhood, marriage, pregnancy,

18
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:27,920
Speaker 1: and life as a new mom. Melissa sees clients through

19
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:32,160
Speaker 1: her private practice You Help You where she believes that

20
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,840
Speaker 1: a healthy you starts with you making new, healthier choices

21
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,440
Speaker 1: to live your best life. Melissa and I chatted about

22
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:43,440
Speaker 1: the best ways to be more intentional in your relationship,

23
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:48,880
Speaker 1: how to fight fair, the importance of apologies and how

24
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:53,520
Speaker 1: to offer them correctly, and she shared her favorite resources,

25
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:57,880
Speaker 1: including her book The Love Challenge. If you hear something

26
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,200
Speaker 1: you think others should hear while listening, please be sure

27
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,760
Speaker 1: to share it with us on social media using the

28
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:10,360
Speaker 1: hashtag tb G in Session. Here's our conversation. Thank you

29
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,040
Speaker 1: so much for joining us today, Melissa, thank you for

30
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:15,440
Speaker 1: having me. I'm very excited to have you here. I

31
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,960
Speaker 1: always like to have a couple of therapists on the show,

32
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,400
Speaker 1: just because they're always like lots of relationship questions and

33
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,840
Speaker 1: the thrived tribe and with people right into me. So

34
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:26,119
Speaker 1: I'd like to have the express come on to talk

35
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,680
Speaker 1: about like what happens with couples, because I don't do

36
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,040
Speaker 1: couples therapy. So I know that you just came out

37
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,320
Speaker 1: with a book called The Love Challenge, which I love,

38
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,680
Speaker 1: so I got a copy of it for everybody who

39
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,240
Speaker 1: hasn't gotten their copy yet. I gotta sneak peek and

40
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,240
Speaker 1: I really love that it really talks about like how

41
00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:45,800
Speaker 1: to be more intentional in your relationships. So can you

42
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,240
Speaker 1: talk a little bit, Melissa about like how you can

43
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:52,880
Speaker 1: craft some of these intentional practices in your relationship. Yes, absolutely,

44
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,359
Speaker 1: I think that you know, in our relationships, especially when

45
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,680
Speaker 1: we've been with someone for a while, sometimes we get

46
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,840
Speaker 1: on autopilot or we tend to forget all of the

47
00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:04,640
Speaker 1: fun and flirty things that we used to do in

48
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,400
Speaker 1: the beginning, and so it's helpful to just kind of

49
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,880
Speaker 1: have a refresh course, you know, about what those feelings were.

50
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,079
Speaker 1: And I think it's important for us to be intentional

51
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,400
Speaker 1: daily and not just waiting for special moments such as anniversary, birthdays,

52
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:22,040
Speaker 1: Valentine's say, things of that nature, but just daily, any

53
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,280
Speaker 1: small gestures that we can make in our relationship to

54
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,760
Speaker 1: keep the love growing. And I'm glad you mentioned that

55
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,320
Speaker 1: because I do think sometimes, like when you have been

56
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,119
Speaker 1: in a relationship for a while, people start to get

57
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:36,000
Speaker 1: really anxious when those quote unquote sparks kind of leave

58
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,840
Speaker 1: right thinking, oh, this must mean that something's going on,

59
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,280
Speaker 1: But really it just could be that you do need

60
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,320
Speaker 1: to be more intentional about maybe connecting with your partner,

61
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:48,400
Speaker 1: reconnecting with your partner. Absolutely, Sometimes we forget that there

62
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:51,040
Speaker 1: are things that we can do within our relationship to

63
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,160
Speaker 1: reignite that spark. You know, I think it's common that

64
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,440
Speaker 1: we will look at our spouse or our significant other

65
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,600
Speaker 1: and and look at the things that they're not doing.

66
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,760
Speaker 1: Rather than taking a step back, I can say, Okay, well,

67
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,720
Speaker 1: what's something that I can do to reignite this or

68
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,920
Speaker 1: something that I can do to let my significant other

69
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,720
Speaker 1: know that that I'm still present and that I still

70
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,840
Speaker 1: love him or her just the same. So what do

71
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,520
Speaker 1: you see, Melissa, and some of the barriers that get

72
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,839
Speaker 1: in the way for couples of trying to be more

73
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,680
Speaker 1: intentional with one another. So I will be honest with you,

74
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:24,440
Speaker 1: Dr Julid. I appreciate my work with couples. I appreciate

75
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,320
Speaker 1: when couples come to see me and they grow in

76
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,240
Speaker 1: their relationship or in their marriage. But the truth is,

77
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:36,159
Speaker 1: couples therapy is something that chose me. I predominantly work

78
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,560
Speaker 1: with women in my private practice, and women that have

79
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:42,400
Speaker 1: experienced either recent or past traumas, grief and loss, and

80
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,640
Speaker 1: I work with women in all stages of motherhood and

81
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,240
Speaker 1: quite often in my work with women that have had

82
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,560
Speaker 1: children or women that have been in a relationship for

83
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,080
Speaker 1: a while, things come up such as, you know, the

84
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,440
Speaker 1: relationship isn't the same, the relationship has gotten a little stale,

85
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,000
Speaker 1: and more significantly, when when you know, children get involve

86
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,880
Speaker 1: because as a parent, we spend a lot of time

87
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,039
Speaker 1: taking care of the kids, and you know, by the

88
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,920
Speaker 1: end of the day sometimes we're exhausted. And so I

89
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,159
Speaker 1: wanted to provide the individuals that I see, the women

90
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,720
Speaker 1: and the men and the couple, something that they can

91
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,680
Speaker 1: do to daily to be able to build upon and

92
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,840
Speaker 1: to continue to grow their relationship because we get burned out.

93
00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:22,200
Speaker 1: Would work with dealing with the kids and just the

94
00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:24,840
Speaker 1: day to day task that can take away from us

95
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:28,080
Speaker 1: being intentional in our relationships. So how do you suggest

96
00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:30,520
Speaker 1: couples make space for them? Like you mentioned, you know,

97
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,640
Speaker 1: we're often doing so many different things. What kinds of

98
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,000
Speaker 1: tips of strategies do you offer for a couple is

99
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,360
Speaker 1: to try to make the time to do that. Oh, yes, absolutely.

100
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,680
Speaker 1: Some of the strategies that I recommend is just having

101
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:46,599
Speaker 1: daily conversation and some of those tips and doing that

102
00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:49,600
Speaker 1: is when you're significant. Other walks through the door put

103
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,920
Speaker 1: your phone down, turn the TV off, and provide them

104
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,240
Speaker 1: with your attention rather with it saying you know, hi,

105
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,919
Speaker 1: how was your day, What were some of the best

106
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,160
Speaker 1: parts of your day? What were some of the challenging

107
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,440
Speaker 1: parts of your day? And just taking a few minutes

108
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,640
Speaker 1: in that moment when they walk in to give them

109
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,839
Speaker 1: your full undivided attention, it can make such a world

110
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,640
Speaker 1: of difference in the dynamics and the relationship and what

111
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,240
Speaker 1: about you know, I think that that can work sometimes

112
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,560
Speaker 1: with um, like if it's just you and your partner.

113
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,479
Speaker 1: But like you mentioned, when kids are involved, you know,

114
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,000
Speaker 1: like who knows when anybody's walking through the door, right,

115
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,800
Speaker 1: Like you have little ones running around, like you just

116
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,960
Speaker 1: you know, I find it hard to kind of just

117
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,200
Speaker 1: keeping attention to everything. So which strategy do you have

118
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,880
Speaker 1: to offer? Like you said, once little ones are involved

119
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,159
Speaker 1: in the picture, Once little ones are involved, I think

120
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,480
Speaker 1: it's important for couples to have scheduled date nights, And

121
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,280
Speaker 1: you would do scheduled date nights that um fit within

122
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,800
Speaker 1: your budget and fit within your lifestyle. At the very minimum,

123
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:47,440
Speaker 1: I recommend that couples do them at least once a month.

124
00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:49,760
Speaker 1: If it's something that's not in the budget because we

125
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,880
Speaker 1: know once you add children, then you have the added

126
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,800
Speaker 1: cost of childcare. So if it's something that's not in

127
00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:57,240
Speaker 1: the budget, I recommend couples do it after the children

128
00:06:57,279 --> 00:06:59,280
Speaker 1: go to bed, and that date night could be as

129
00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:01,800
Speaker 1: simple as deciding on a movie that you're gonna watch

130
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:04,440
Speaker 1: together and spend that time cuddling and watching the movie,

131
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,760
Speaker 1: or having dessert together after the kids go to bed,

132
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,800
Speaker 1: or having a game night, you know, playing your favorite

133
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,520
Speaker 1: games together at home once the kids go to bed.

134
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,320
Speaker 1: Some of my favorite things are taught taking that time

135
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,239
Speaker 1: to give each other's undivided attention the children are sleeping,

136
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,640
Speaker 1: or the day is done, your work is done, and

137
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,080
Speaker 1: you get to just sit with each other and just share,

138
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,320
Speaker 1: you know, the desires of your heart, share your goals,

139
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,880
Speaker 1: and and to talk about the things that bring joy

140
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,720
Speaker 1: to the both of you. So those are some of

141
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,080
Speaker 1: the things that that you can do at home. Some

142
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,840
Speaker 1: of the other things that you can do is love notes.

143
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,080
Speaker 1: I'm a big fan of love notes. Providing a love note.

144
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,320
Speaker 1: I think you know now we live in an age

145
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:44,200
Speaker 1: where technology is all around us and it's not going anywhere,

146
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,040
Speaker 1: if anything, it's just advancing more so taking a moment

147
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,200
Speaker 1: just to write your love one a love note. Rather

148
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,920
Speaker 1: you're doing it be a pen and paper, a post it,

149
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,600
Speaker 1: you know, something short, sweet and simple that will take

150
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,920
Speaker 1: a few minutes of your time but can bring a

151
00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:00,160
Speaker 1: smile to your significant other's day and change the us

152
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,040
Speaker 1: of their day as well. Yeah, I think back to

153
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,640
Speaker 1: like when you were a kid and you would find

154
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:05,560
Speaker 1: like a little note in your lunch box from like

155
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,360
Speaker 1: your parents, right like that that would make you really excited,

156
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,440
Speaker 1: and that kind of make time and doesn't wear off

157
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,080
Speaker 1: when we're adults, right like, it's still a nice unexpected

158
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,160
Speaker 1: surprise when you find right, Yes, absolutely, it is a

159
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,280
Speaker 1: nice unexpected surprise. And and as you're talking about, you know,

160
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,160
Speaker 1: getting a note in your lunch box as a kid,

161
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,320
Speaker 1: it just gave me the biggest smile, the biggest cheese

162
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,360
Speaker 1: on my face. And so yeah, if you are you know,

163
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,240
Speaker 1: packing your significant others lunch at night or in the morning,

164
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,360
Speaker 1: or sending them along their day, you can put a

165
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:32,960
Speaker 1: note in their work bag. You can put it in

166
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,680
Speaker 1: an unexpected spot where they can find it, and you

167
00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:37,400
Speaker 1: can bring a smile to their day to let them

168
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,960
Speaker 1: know you're you're thinking about them and you did one

169
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,360
Speaker 1: small thing to invest into your relationship that can go

170
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:47,240
Speaker 1: a long way. So something else that you stressed in

171
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,679
Speaker 1: your book, Melissa, was the importance of physical touch. Can

172
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:54,040
Speaker 1: you talk more about why that's important? Right? Absolutely, I

173
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,480
Speaker 1: believe that physical touch gives us an opportunity to reconnect.

174
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,680
Speaker 1: You know, we may spend a lot of time throughout

175
00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:02,840
Speaker 1: our day and in the absence of our significant other,

176
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,079
Speaker 1: whether it's because we're at work, or they're at work,

177
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:09,120
Speaker 1: or we're just busy. So providing physical touch just gives

178
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,720
Speaker 1: you time to reconnect without using any words. Rather, that's

179
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,679
Speaker 1: the two of you driving in the car and you're

180
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:18,680
Speaker 1: reaching over and touching your significant other's hand or shoulder

181
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,680
Speaker 1: or arm, just to let them know that you know,

182
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,560
Speaker 1: I'm thinking of you, I'm here with you, I love you,

183
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,880
Speaker 1: I missed you throughout the day. There's so much to

184
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:30,000
Speaker 1: be said in physical connection without speaking any words. And

185
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:33,000
Speaker 1: sometimes that physical touch can be a hug, it can

186
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,000
Speaker 1: be a kiss at the beginning or the end of

187
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,960
Speaker 1: the day, anything that brings the two of you together

188
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,680
Speaker 1: physically so that you can feel each other's nonverbal behavior

189
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,440
Speaker 1: and share so much in that moment. Yeah, and I

190
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,280
Speaker 1: really love that you emphasize the fact that this doesn't

191
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,720
Speaker 1: have to be central, right, Like, in all of the

192
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:53,080
Speaker 1: examples you just offered, they weren't necessarily sexual. And I

193
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:56,520
Speaker 1: think sometimes when we think about physical touch, we assume

194
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,280
Speaker 1: that that means that that will lead to sex, right,

195
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,920
Speaker 1: and it definitely could. But what you're saying is that

196
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,160
Speaker 1: the importance of just kind of touching on a basic

197
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:09,480
Speaker 1: level is important in a relationship, right, absolutely, And and

198
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,400
Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan of UM for play is all

199
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,520
Speaker 1: day long, and you know that that may need to

200
00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:18,640
Speaker 1: be my next book. You know, sex is huge, and

201
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:22,719
Speaker 1: sex it can be important in a relationship, especially if

202
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:28,000
Speaker 1: physical touch or physical connection is your loved ones love language. UM. However,

203
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,520
Speaker 1: I believe that there are small things that we can

204
00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:34,319
Speaker 1: do throughout our day to prepare for sex if you're

205
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,760
Speaker 1: having sex in your relationship. And another reason why I

206
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,120
Speaker 1: left sex out is because the truth is I work

207
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:42,600
Speaker 1: with couples who are engaged, and I work with individuals

208
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,280
Speaker 1: who are in relationships and they're abstaining until marriage, and

209
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,040
Speaker 1: so I want them to know that there are ways

210
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:51,480
Speaker 1: that they can connect with their significant other, um, boyfriend, girlfriend,

211
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,520
Speaker 1: whatever it may be, and it not have to be

212
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,320
Speaker 1: physical or sexual, I should say it does not have

213
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,880
Speaker 1: to be sexual, right, right, So there's something else that

214
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,360
Speaker 1: really enjoyed. And I had to chuckle it myself because

215
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,480
Speaker 1: one of your chapters UM talked about the importance of

216
00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:10,280
Speaker 1: like offering a correct apology, UM, and you ask people

217
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,199
Speaker 1: to raise their hand if they had trouble with apologies.

218
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:15,440
Speaker 1: I had to silently raise my hand also, UM. But

219
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,360
Speaker 1: we'll talk to me about like the importance of apologies

220
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:22,040
Speaker 1: and the correct way to apologize. Yes, absolutely, and and

221
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,400
Speaker 1: Dr Joy, I'm raising my hand right there with you

222
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:31,199
Speaker 1: offering offering an apolology. It's not easy for all of us,

223
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,520
Speaker 1: you know, it can be happened. I think when we're

224
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,280
Speaker 1: offering an apology, there's a lot of things happening there.

225
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,439
Speaker 1: It's putting us in a place of vulnerability. It's putting

226
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,000
Speaker 1: us in a place where we're having to admit to wrong.

227
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,400
Speaker 1: It's putting us in a place where we're having to

228
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,800
Speaker 1: admit or to look at our own behavior and how

229
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:52,080
Speaker 1: our behavior UM is impacting those around us. So there's

230
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,960
Speaker 1: so many layers to it, and it definitely requires a

231
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,000
Speaker 1: certain amount of awareness or willingness to be that aware

232
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,400
Speaker 1: and then so once we recognize that any we see

233
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,079
Speaker 1: that we need to go back and apologize. It's important

234
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:06,040
Speaker 1: to do it from a meaningful heart place and not

235
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,800
Speaker 1: just okay, i'm sorry, you know, with attitude or or

236
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,640
Speaker 1: with gripe. You know that doesn't feel good. And so

237
00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:15,480
Speaker 1: I think a proper apology means that you have really

238
00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:17,839
Speaker 1: identified what it is that you did or said wrong,

239
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,800
Speaker 1: and you are apologizing for it, and then you're making

240
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,319
Speaker 1: a commitment to not do it again, which is tough

241
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,880
Speaker 1: because if it's something of habit, you know, or something

242
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,640
Speaker 1: that's happening impulsively, you know there are the chances that

243
00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:32,200
Speaker 1: it may happen again. But you're making a commitment to

244
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,320
Speaker 1: not do it again and to it into the very

245
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,679
Speaker 1: least try your best to not do it again. So

246
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,720
Speaker 1: that takes you back to being mindful. That takes you

247
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,120
Speaker 1: back to being mindful of your own behavior when you're

248
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,360
Speaker 1: now committing to not doing that thing or saying that

249
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,880
Speaker 1: thing again. And then now you're asking for forgiveness, and

250
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:54,000
Speaker 1: you're asking for forgiveness so that you know is your

251
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,679
Speaker 1: apology well received, is it being accepted? Um? What if

252
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,160
Speaker 1: it's something that like your partner has done before here,

253
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:04,840
Speaker 1: and so you know, they're apologizing again and they ask

254
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,840
Speaker 1: do you forgive them? But the forgiveness may be kind

255
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,520
Speaker 1: of hesitant at this point, right because now you've done

256
00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:14,280
Speaker 1: this more than once, right, absolutely, And I think that

257
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:18,480
Speaker 1: is a place to to discuss, to discuss within their relationship,

258
00:13:18,559 --> 00:13:21,480
Speaker 1: to discuss with their therapists if they have one. I

259
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,000
Speaker 1: think that's important to even bring up, you know, and

260
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:27,560
Speaker 1: saying hey, babe, I hear you. However, this isn't the

261
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,880
Speaker 1: first time this has happened, so let's talk about preventing

262
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:34,080
Speaker 1: this from happening in the future. And if your partner

263
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,520
Speaker 1: is not ready to forgive you, I think that you

264
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,880
Speaker 1: have to be okay with that. You have to allow

265
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,920
Speaker 1: them space and time to process on their own and

266
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,600
Speaker 1: to forgive when they're ready. We apologize, doesn't mean that

267
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,760
Speaker 1: we're automatically forgiven, got it. I'm glad you said that

268
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,160
Speaker 1: because I think I was a little confused there. Um,

269
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,480
Speaker 1: And I do think it's important to talk about. You know,

270
00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:57,280
Speaker 1: just because somebody apologizes doesn't mean that you have to

271
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,360
Speaker 1: automatically forgive them. It may take them some time to

272
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:04,280
Speaker 1: get to a space where they can forgive, right, absolutely, Absolutely,

273
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,040
Speaker 1: and I'm glad you brought that up to because that

274
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:10,080
Speaker 1: definitely needs clarification. And I actually recently wrote an article

275
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,880
Speaker 1: about when you know some of the top few times

276
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,480
Speaker 1: when it's not okay to accept an apology, so I

277
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,320
Speaker 1: can share that article with you as well. Can we

278
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,640
Speaker 1: hear some of winners sometimes where you're not okay to

279
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:23,040
Speaker 1: the accept apology. Yeah, absolutely so. Some of the times

280
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,200
Speaker 1: when it's not okay to an accepted apology is when

281
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,520
Speaker 1: the person is doing it over and over again and

282
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:31,560
Speaker 1: not making any means to change their behavior, so now

283
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,080
Speaker 1: the apology becomes more routine than a heart felt something

284
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,680
Speaker 1: that they're looking to change their actions or their words.

285
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:41,200
Speaker 1: When you're not ready to an accept an apology. When

286
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:44,320
Speaker 1: we accept an apology, it's for us, you know, to

287
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,080
Speaker 1: release those things within ourselves. It's not for the other person.

288
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:49,960
Speaker 1: So when we're not ready, it's okay to say, you

289
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,240
Speaker 1: know what, I'm not ready. Rather we still have some

290
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,680
Speaker 1: work within to be done, or we're not ready to

291
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,840
Speaker 1: hear it. I think that's okay too. So those were

292
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,560
Speaker 1: some of the top two reasons. And another time is

293
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,600
Speaker 1: when they pology does not feel genuine. Again, going back

294
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,120
Speaker 1: to when it just feels like routine, when it just

295
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,640
Speaker 1: feels like something that someone has said. But if you

296
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,320
Speaker 1: and your heart of hearts do not feel genuine, then

297
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,400
Speaker 1: it's okay to not accept it or to not be

298
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,720
Speaker 1: ready to accept it. And I hope that people hear

299
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:18,680
Speaker 1: that right, because I think sometimes arguments or disagreements can

300
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,160
Speaker 1: escalate when somebody like apologizes and they feel like they

301
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:25,240
Speaker 1: should be forgiven, and then they feel either rejected or

302
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:31,640
Speaker 1: feel whatever they feel because the apology is not immediately accepted. Right, absolutely, absolutely,

303
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,120
Speaker 1: and it's okay to say that. You know, it's okay

304
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,160
Speaker 1: to say I hear you, I appreciate you making the

305
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,880
Speaker 1: effort to apologize, but I'm not ready to accept it.

306
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,120
Speaker 1: I still have some work or some things I want

307
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:43,720
Speaker 1: to work on, and I will get back to you

308
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,480
Speaker 1: when i'm ready. So related to this topic, I also

309
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,080
Speaker 1: want to make sure that we spend some time talking

310
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:53,200
Speaker 1: about how to fight fair, because of course that comes

311
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,920
Speaker 1: up with couples. I mean, they're not You're not always

312
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,800
Speaker 1: going to agree on everything, but there are some ways

313
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,160
Speaker 1: that you can fight more fair, and you know, trying

314
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,920
Speaker 1: to have a better discussion about something that you don't

315
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,440
Speaker 1: agree with. So you listed out several different ways that

316
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:11,200
Speaker 1: are not fighting fair. Can you talk about some of

317
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,080
Speaker 1: those things that get in the way of us actually

318
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,520
Speaker 1: fighting fair? Right? Absolutely, So, I think that we all

319
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:20,360
Speaker 1: have a way that we resolve conflict, and sometimes that

320
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:24,120
Speaker 1: way that we resolve conflict isn't the healthiest And many

321
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,280
Speaker 1: times we're not even aware that we're doing it. It's

322
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,760
Speaker 1: just something that we've learned or that we have gotten

323
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,280
Speaker 1: comfortable with. So some of the ways of fighting fair,

324
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:35,280
Speaker 1: um that I see commonly in practices. One that's called

325
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:38,840
Speaker 1: brown bagging, which is you get upset with your partner

326
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,440
Speaker 1: about something they did, but then when you address it

327
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:45,560
Speaker 1: with them, you bring up everything including the kitchen sink

328
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:47,880
Speaker 1: that they did that you weren't happy with, rather than

329
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,520
Speaker 1: focusing on that one thing that they did in this moment.

330
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,000
Speaker 1: And so that seems to be a very common thing.

331
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,680
Speaker 1: You know, getting upset about point A, but now you're

332
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,520
Speaker 1: bringing up point A, B, C, D, and F. And

333
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,440
Speaker 1: I think it's important to focus on on that one

334
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,720
Speaker 1: thing that's happening in the moment and addressing that. And

335
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,920
Speaker 1: especially when let's say, for example, you're upset about point

336
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,840
Speaker 1: A and you've already addressed B and C. But now

337
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,840
Speaker 1: we're talking about B and C again. That can be

338
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,520
Speaker 1: kind of confusing in a relationship and it feels like

339
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:19,280
Speaker 1: the fight quote, it just continues rather than being resolved.

340
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:24,040
Speaker 1: Another one is blaming, which is very common. Oftentimes we get,

341
00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:27,800
Speaker 1: you know, defensive when our significant others or someone we

342
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,520
Speaker 1: know may bring things to our attention, and rather than

343
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,040
Speaker 1: seeing our side in it, we get defensive and we

344
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,240
Speaker 1: start to blame, or we start to make statements that

345
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,560
Speaker 1: say things like, well, what about that time when you

346
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,440
Speaker 1: did or what about that time when this happened, rather

347
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:44,320
Speaker 1: than acknowledging our part in it, accepting it, and making

348
00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:48,760
Speaker 1: the proper changes to change our behavior. Um Avoiding responsibility

349
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,760
Speaker 1: is i think another common one, rather than you know again,

350
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,080
Speaker 1: which is very similar to blaming. Rather than seeing your

351
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,480
Speaker 1: part in it, you're avoiding how you're responsible or how

352
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,879
Speaker 1: your behavior, how your actions and thoughts our heart in

353
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,919
Speaker 1: this as well. You know, sometimes we forget that we're

354
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,640
Speaker 1: in a relationship. We're not in this relationship alone. There's

355
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,760
Speaker 1: two of us here, and so we're both responsible. We're

356
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,240
Speaker 1: both to blame in some cases, and we need to

357
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,680
Speaker 1: take ownership over that, and the sooner you take ownership

358
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,520
Speaker 1: the sooner you can start to resolve whatever that underlying

359
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:22,520
Speaker 1: issue is. And so listen, I know that, like you mentioned,

360
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,399
Speaker 1: this often comes from like some long standing pattern. So

361
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,679
Speaker 1: of course who we are as a couple comes from

362
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,720
Speaker 1: who we are as individuals, right, And so a lot

363
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,520
Speaker 1: of whatever our baggage and our history is shows up

364
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,280
Speaker 1: when we are interacting with our partner. So in what

365
00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:40,240
Speaker 1: ways do you work with couples or even individuals to

366
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,879
Speaker 1: help them realize, like, this is what they're doing and

367
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,560
Speaker 1: to start changing this behavior. Right, So one of the

368
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,240
Speaker 1: things that I mentioned in the book as you as

369
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:50,040
Speaker 1: you said, I give a list of about twenty of them.

370
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,399
Speaker 1: Actually I think there's a little bit a little overtunenty.

371
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:54,440
Speaker 1: There's about all thirty of them. Was twenty eight of them.

372
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,480
Speaker 1: So I give a list of those, and I asked

373
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,440
Speaker 1: that you identify which one you are. Sometimes we don't

374
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,720
Speaker 1: know it. Sometimes we are doing these things but we

375
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,639
Speaker 1: don't have a name for it, or our partner is

376
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,040
Speaker 1: able to plant it out to us, but we don't

377
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,400
Speaker 1: recognize we do it. So the first thing is to

378
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,440
Speaker 1: recognize it and to acknowledge it and to accept it,

379
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,720
Speaker 1: and then to make a commitment to change. Once I

380
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:16,040
Speaker 1: helped my clients to identify it. I asked them to, Okay,

381
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,160
Speaker 1: write down all of these things that you were doing

382
00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:21,359
Speaker 1: in your relationship, your way of fighting dirty. Once we

383
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,440
Speaker 1: write them down and the book goes in this too,

384
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,159
Speaker 1: we literally crumble it up and we throw it in

385
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,280
Speaker 1: the trash. Because anything that is not helpful, that is

386
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,600
Speaker 1: not growing you or growing your relationship, needs to be

387
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,800
Speaker 1: tossed in the trash. So we literally throw it in

388
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,400
Speaker 1: a trash, and then we make a commitment to now

389
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,360
Speaker 1: to fight fair and not fighting fair. It boils down

390
00:19:39,359 --> 00:19:43,280
Speaker 1: to having appropriate communication. One of the basic skills that

391
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,119
Speaker 1: I like to teach my couples and individuals is to

392
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:50,000
Speaker 1: use I statements you know that can make a huge impact,

393
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,400
Speaker 1: and how we share our feelings, how we share our

394
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,720
Speaker 1: thoughts with our significant other or other people around us,

395
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:58,760
Speaker 1: and how it's received. If I am able to say

396
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,840
Speaker 1: I feel a angry dr joy when when my significant

397
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,800
Speaker 1: other does not listen to me, and if I'm able

398
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,560
Speaker 1: to say that to my significant other using an ice

399
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,520
Speaker 1: statement rather than saying you make me angry when you

400
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,919
Speaker 1: don't listen to me. When we start with you, we

401
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,399
Speaker 1: automatically put the other person, our spouse or our friend,

402
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,520
Speaker 1: whoever we're sharing our feelings with, on defense, and they're

403
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,720
Speaker 1: already thinking, Okay, what did I do wrong? And it

404
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,879
Speaker 1: doesn't really give them a fair chance to hear the

405
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,320
Speaker 1: matters of your heart. So some of the basic things

406
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:30,040
Speaker 1: would just be starting with an ICE statement, identifying your feelings.

407
00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:32,080
Speaker 1: Once you have an ICE statement and you're able to

408
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,080
Speaker 1: share that, being open to sharing your feelings, being able

409
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:38,240
Speaker 1: to say I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel slighted,

410
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,960
Speaker 1: you know, whatever those feelings are. And and in the book,

411
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,879
Speaker 1: I give a list of some feelings words because a

412
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,320
Speaker 1: lot of times we get stuck with happy, mad, sad,

413
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,640
Speaker 1: But there's so many other feelings out there that we're

414
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:53,080
Speaker 1: experiencing and it's important to share that. So something else

415
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:55,840
Speaker 1: and I really loved about the book, Melissa was um

416
00:20:56,200 --> 00:21:00,520
Speaker 1: the attention paid to not keeping like a list of

417
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,639
Speaker 1: all of the things you know that you feel like

418
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,919
Speaker 1: your partner is not doing and all the things that

419
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,320
Speaker 1: you are doing. Um. And I think that that's so common.

420
00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:10,640
Speaker 1: Why do you think we get into like this list

421
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:16,000
Speaker 1: building kind of activity. That's a great question, you know,

422
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,280
Speaker 1: And I laugh because it is common it is common,

423
00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:21,040
Speaker 1: you know that I see in my work with couples.

424
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,960
Speaker 1: I see it in my own life, you know, rather

425
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,120
Speaker 1: it's with friends, family, or me personally. And it's true,

426
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,520
Speaker 1: you know, we we I think it goes back to

427
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:32,399
Speaker 1: just we're just not paying attention. We're focused on what's

428
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,240
Speaker 1: not happening then rather taking a moment to sit back

429
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,119
Speaker 1: and focus on all the wonderful things that are happening,

430
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,080
Speaker 1: you know, which is also connected to you know, having

431
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:43,760
Speaker 1: that heart of gratitude, and and when you're living in

432
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,880
Speaker 1: a place or being consistent with your gratitude, you don't

433
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,600
Speaker 1: have time to see what you're missing because you're so

434
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,320
Speaker 1: grateful for all the wonderful things that are happening around you.

435
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,680
Speaker 1: And um, you know, sometimes when we just get tired

436
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,400
Speaker 1: or we get exhausted, or when we don't know how

437
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,439
Speaker 1: to ask for help, we start looking at all the

438
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,240
Speaker 1: things that other people aren't doing or or that they're

439
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:07,359
Speaker 1: not helping with. Rather than using an ice statement and

440
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,359
Speaker 1: coming around and saying I feel tired, I felt exhausted,

441
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,399
Speaker 1: can you help me with and then fill in the blank,

442
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,080
Speaker 1: or I need help with and then fill in the blank.

443
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,919
Speaker 1: And that feels like it is kind of related to

444
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,680
Speaker 1: something else like you mentioned in the book M Mind Reading. Um,

445
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,120
Speaker 1: you know, because I think sometimes we don't like reach

446
00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,840
Speaker 1: out for help or ask very specifically for what we need,

447
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,280
Speaker 1: because we think that our partner should just know, right

448
00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:32,399
Speaker 1: like he should just know that I'm tired, or he

449
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,520
Speaker 1: should just know that I do X y Z as

450
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,840
Speaker 1: as opposed to I'm feeling exhausted. Can you help me

451
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:42,520
Speaker 1: with whatever? Right right? Absolutely absolutely, And it is important

452
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,080
Speaker 1: to to share that because our partner may not know,

453
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,240
Speaker 1: or our partner, you know, just as us, maybe stuck

454
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:51,000
Speaker 1: in their own little world, whether it's being on autopilot

455
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,880
Speaker 1: or bogged down with work, that they're not paying attention.

456
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,840
Speaker 1: So bringing it to their attention and being vulnerable and

457
00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:00,359
Speaker 1: asking for help also sends the message that, oh, I

458
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,199
Speaker 1: need the message that your partners should be hearing. I

459
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,040
Speaker 1: need to be a little bit more attentive to my

460
00:23:05,119 --> 00:23:07,800
Speaker 1: significant other. Something's going on and they're asking for help.

461
00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:10,399
Speaker 1: And so I'm hoping that when you know, we go

462
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,040
Speaker 1: to our partner and ask for help, that triggers, you know,

463
00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:15,320
Speaker 1: an alarming them to say, Okay, I'm so caught in

464
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:20,200
Speaker 1: my own stuff. I didn't notice so are there other

465
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:22,800
Speaker 1: UM lessons from the book that you feel like are

466
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,000
Speaker 1: really important to pay attention to that you want to

467
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,560
Speaker 1: make sure the audience kind of hear some inside about um.

468
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,760
Speaker 1: Absolutely UM. I think that some of the other messages

469
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:35,520
Speaker 1: would be random acts of kindness. I think that's extremely important,

470
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,959
Speaker 1: and not just you know, in our life with our partner,

471
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,919
Speaker 1: but in our everyday life. Just finding small things that

472
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,640
Speaker 1: you can do throughout, you know, your day, for your

473
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,159
Speaker 1: significant other, for your household, just to show kindness, just

474
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,919
Speaker 1: to take some of the load off of their plates.

475
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,640
Speaker 1: And it doesn't have to be the same thing every day.

476
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 1: It could be something different that we're doing. And again,

477
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,040
Speaker 1: you know, I see a relationship, whether it's a friendship,

478
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,840
Speaker 1: a marriage, a professional relationship, I see it as a garden.

479
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,840
Speaker 1: And it's important for us to look at this garden

480
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,760
Speaker 1: and to water it, you know, and whether you're watering

481
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,080
Speaker 1: it with ice statements, whether you're watering it with random

482
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:14,879
Speaker 1: acts of kindness, whether you're watering it with appropriate communication, apologizing,

483
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,960
Speaker 1: it's important to water it if we wanted to continue

484
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:21,120
Speaker 1: to grow. In my household, we don't have an automated

485
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,960
Speaker 1: sprinkler system. So on the days that I decide to

486
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 1: go out and water my grass. I'm literally reminded every day,

487
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,760
Speaker 1: like if I want my grass to grow, I want

488
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,560
Speaker 1: I have to water it. You know, when I look

489
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,680
Speaker 1: at my neighbor's grass and see how plesh and grain

490
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,480
Speaker 1: it is, he's out every day literally with his water

491
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,959
Speaker 1: host watering it. So we have to do the daily

492
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,880
Speaker 1: task of love in order for our love to grow.

493
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,960
Speaker 1: So if we want our love to grow, if we're unhappy,

494
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,080
Speaker 1: we have to look at our role in it and

495
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:48,560
Speaker 1: what are the things that we can do to grow

496
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,880
Speaker 1: that love, whether it's the love with with our children,

497
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:55,080
Speaker 1: with our friends, our family, significant others, um colleagues, whatever

498
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 1: that love is. So I think that's important and looking

499
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,320
Speaker 1: at it as a garden, connect the relationship as a garden.

500
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:03,960
Speaker 1: We also have to pull the weeds, and that you know,

501
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,639
Speaker 1: could be throwing the things in the trash that aren't helpful,

502
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,200
Speaker 1: getting out there and literally on your knees and pulling

503
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:12,000
Speaker 1: those weeds up and then now healing, you know, and

504
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,080
Speaker 1: allowing this place to be a place of growth for

505
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:19,080
Speaker 1: all the things that we do love. Besides your book,

506
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,960
Speaker 1: are there other resources that you find yourself suggesting over

507
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,919
Speaker 1: and over to like your couples and your singles that

508
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:31,840
Speaker 1: you're working with. Absolutely, UM, there is a premarital course

509
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,840
Speaker 1: you know here. I'm in Southern California, so there is

510
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,280
Speaker 1: a premarital course here in Southern California that I often

511
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,919
Speaker 1: UM refer my clients too that are coming in and

512
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,159
Speaker 1: in a committed relationship and saying that they're looking to

513
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,960
Speaker 1: marry the person there with, but that they want, you know,

514
00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:49,280
Speaker 1: more information about having a healthy marriage. We do some

515
00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:51,679
Speaker 1: more here, but I also refer them there and if

516
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,320
Speaker 1: they make the choice to do the course, and that's great. UM.

517
00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:57,600
Speaker 1: One of my favorite books is UM is a Five

518
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,760
Speaker 1: Love Languages. I really love that book. I read it

519
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,720
Speaker 1: years ago just for my own personal reference, and once

520
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,280
Speaker 1: I read it, then I started to UM refer it

521
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 1: to friends, to family, and I started referring it to clients.

522
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,719
Speaker 1: That's a huge UM book. UM. Stephen Covey also has

523
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:16,040
Speaker 1: some great books out about, you know, building relationships and

524
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,640
Speaker 1: building mantras and building things within us that will help

525
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,400
Speaker 1: us to be better people and how we live our

526
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:26,800
Speaker 1: relationship and how we grow our families nice. And what

527
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:29,720
Speaker 1: are your thoughts about premirit accounseling Because I often hear

528
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 1: people say like, oh, if you have to go to

529
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:35,280
Speaker 1: accounseling before it starts, then it must be in trouble um.

530
00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:37,840
Speaker 1: I think it's again going back to the garden. I

531
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,639
Speaker 1: think it's important to pull whatever weeds you're identifying. Like

532
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,480
Speaker 1: you we can know like, hey, I want to be

533
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,760
Speaker 1: with this person, but there's just this one thing that

534
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,200
Speaker 1: I would like us to change. There's these two things

535
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,439
Speaker 1: I would like us to change. Then it's important to

536
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,879
Speaker 1: address them. I don't believe that they will just disappear

537
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,919
Speaker 1: and go away, and I don't believe that getting married

538
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,359
Speaker 1: will just solve them, and so it's better to be

539
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:02,639
Speaker 1: pro act them and to address those things now. And also,

540
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 1: as you know, Dr Joy, counseling can have risk and benefits.

541
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,720
Speaker 1: And one of the examples that I give to my

542
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,479
Speaker 1: clients about the risk is that you can come in

543
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,639
Speaker 1: thinking that you want to be with this person for

544
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 1: the rest of your life, and once you walk this

545
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:19,159
Speaker 1: journey together of having therapy as an individual or a couple,

546
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,920
Speaker 1: you may see some things that that that change your mind.

547
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,199
Speaker 1: And that's okay too, because then that's growth that you know,

548
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,800
Speaker 1: maturity and showing like you know what I was going

549
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,919
Speaker 1: to make the decision to live the rest of my

550
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,560
Speaker 1: life with this person. But now that I've had some

551
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:35,720
Speaker 1: counseling on some issues, I realized this relationship isn't for me,

552
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,600
Speaker 1: or this relationship isn't healthy, And so I think that's

553
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,240
Speaker 1: growth too, and being able to walk away rather than

554
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,040
Speaker 1: going through the wedding, looking up a couple of years

555
00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:46,680
Speaker 1: later and realizing the issues that you have have only

556
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:50,479
Speaker 1: grown rather than diminished. Very good points, Very good points.

557
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:54,000
Speaker 1: So where can people find you online? Melissa? Your website

558
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:58,199
Speaker 1: as well as any social media handles you'd like to share? Awesome? UM.

559
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:01,800
Speaker 1: So my private practice is you help you, and that's

560
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,720
Speaker 1: the letter you UM. The word help and then the

561
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:08,440
Speaker 1: word you y o you and you help you UM

562
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:11,160
Speaker 1: means a healthy you starts with you. I believe that

563
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,959
Speaker 1: it's important for us to first identify. But you know what, Hey,

564
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:16,439
Speaker 1: there are some things that I need to work on,

565
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:19,040
Speaker 1: and when we are able to identify that, then we

566
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:22,080
Speaker 1: can start to make those important changes. So you help

567
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:24,920
Speaker 1: you UM is my website, You help you dot com.

568
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:27,760
Speaker 1: My social media handles are the same on all social

569
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 1: media outlets. That's Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. That's at you

570
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:36,760
Speaker 1: help you. My name is Melissa dumas uh d u

571
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:39,880
Speaker 1: m a z Um would be my last name. That's

572
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,280
Speaker 1: where they can find me also, and as far as

573
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:45,640
Speaker 1: the book, The Love Challenge thirty Days Thirty Ways to

574
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:48,080
Speaker 1: Increase the Love in your Relationship that can be found

575
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:51,320
Speaker 1: on Amazon. That can also be found on my website.

576
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,720
Speaker 1: There's a link there to get you to purchase. It

577
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,680
Speaker 1: can also be found in Barnston Nobles, and I'm also

578
00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:59,920
Speaker 1: looking to have it on Eye Books later this month.

579
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,560
Speaker 1: Sounds good. Well, all of that information will be included

580
00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:07,080
Speaker 1: in the show notes, so everybody can find that pretty easily. Awesome.

581
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:09,400
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Dr Joe, Well, thank you so

582
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:11,960
Speaker 1: much for joining us today, Melisa. I appreciate it. Thank you,

583
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,560
Speaker 1: I appreciate I appreciate being here. Thank you for having me. Absolutely,

584
00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:20,120
Speaker 1: I'm so thankful Melissa was able to share her expertise

585
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 1: with us today. To check out the resources that she

586
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:26,920
Speaker 1: shared and to learn more about her book and her practice,

587
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 1: visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot

588
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:34,800
Speaker 1: com slash Session seventy one, and please make sure to

589
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,920
Speaker 1: share this episode with two people in your life or

590
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 1: share your takeaways with us in your I G stories.

591
00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:45,040
Speaker 1: Make sure to use the hashtag tv G in session

592
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:48,920
Speaker 1: so that we can share them. If you're listening to

593
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,880
Speaker 1: this episode. On August, I have a special treat for

594
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:56,320
Speaker 1: all of the love Is fans. You can join myself,

595
00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 1: Marlene Francois Madden, Jenny Johnson, and Las Shasta Bell for

596
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:06,080
Speaker 1: a live on the Couch video session all about Nuri

597
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:10,280
Speaker 1: and Yasia at a p m Eastern tonight. You can

598
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,200
Speaker 1: register to join us at Therapy for Black Girls dot

599
00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:17,240
Speaker 1: com slash love Is and even if you can't join

600
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:21,440
Speaker 1: us live, you'll still receive the replay. If you're looking

601
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:24,560
Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, be sure to visit

602
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:28,280
Speaker 1: the therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

603
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 1: slash directory. And if you want to continue this conversation

604
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,360
Speaker 1: and join a community of other sisters who listen to

605
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:38,960
Speaker 1: the podcast, join us over in the Thrive tribe at

606
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:43,080
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tribe. Make sure

607
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,600
Speaker 1: you answer the three questions that are asked to gain entry.

608
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 1: Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week,

609
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,239
Speaker 1: and I look forward to continue in this conversation with

610
00:30:52,280 --> 00:31:08,480
Speaker 1: you all real soon. Take good care, Actor pill Doctor

611
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:28,680
Speaker 1: per Doctor Fioctor doctor doctor,